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Nemo Anderson
  • 4 months ago
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00:00Hi, I'm Brian Henson.
00:11This episode of The Muppet Show stars Julie Andrews.
00:18Julie and the Muppets had worked together several times before actually doing this episode
00:22in a number of TV specials.
00:24In fact, in this show you'll see her sing a song with Kermit called
00:28When You Were a Tadpole.
00:30When you were a tadpole.
00:33She wrote this song earlier for one of her own specials.
00:37Another moment to look for in this episode is an appearance by a real cow.
00:41Kermit, that's a cow!
00:43Now that sounds simple enough, but you have to realize that every set is built
00:46five feet off the ground and is really not meant to carry much weight.
00:50They had an awful lot of nervous puppeteers surrounding a very nervous cow on a five-foot platform.
00:55The cow naturally didn't do anything he was meant to do, but at least he didn't jump off the stage.
01:00Here it is.
01:01The cow, Julie Andrews, and the Muppets in The Muppet Show.
01:07Julie Andrews?
01:09Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Andrews.
01:13I'll be ready.
01:14I'll be ready just so long as nobody else drops in.
01:16It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Julie Andrews.
01:29Yeah!
01:30It's time to play the music.
01:46It's time to light the light.
01:47It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight.
01:52It's time to put on makeup.
01:54It's time to dress up right.
01:56It's time to get things started.
01:58It's time to get things started.
02:02I'm the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational.
02:06This is what we call The Muppet Show.
02:20Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
02:24Hey, we're very excited around here tonight.
02:26Our guest star is a wonderfully talented lady and a good friend of mine.
02:29And here she is now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!
02:33High on a hill was a lonely goat herd.
02:51Loud was the voice of the lonely goat herd.
02:54Lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, no!
02:55And there were folks in a town that was quite remote herd,
02:59Lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh!
03:01All lusty and clear from the goat herd's throat herd,
03:04Lady, oh, lady, oh, no!
03:06Oh, ho, lady, oh, lady, oh, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
03:11Oh, ho, lady, oh, lady, oh, la, la, la, la.
03:15A prince on the bridge of a castle won't hurt
03:23Lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh
03:25Men on the road with a low tit-toot hurt
03:28Lady, oh, lady, oh, no
03:30Men in the midst of a tarbill don't hurt
03:33Lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh
03:35Men drinking beer with a foam afloat hurt
03:38Lady, oh, lady, oh, no
03:40Oh, ho, lady, oh, lady, oh, ho
03:44Lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady
03:49You know, I saw the movie twice
03:52One little girl in a pale pink coat hurt
04:00Lady, oh, lady, oh, lady
04:02She yodeled back to the lonely goat hurt
04:05Lady, oh, lady, oh, love
04:07Soon her mama with a gleaming gloat hurt
04:10Lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh
04:12Was it new at the girl in a golden goat hair
04:15Lady, oh, lady, oh, oh
04:18Oh, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh, lady, oh
04:48We'll become a tree
04:49Olé, olé, olé
04:51Olé, olé
05:18Hooray, bravo
05:26I love the goat
05:27He would
05:29The old goat
05:30Okay, great opening number
05:34With the goats and the pigs
05:35Way to go, cow
05:37Cow
05:39That's a real cow, all right
05:45Scooter
05:46Yeah, Chief?
05:47Scooter, refresh my memory
05:49Was there a cow in that opening number?
05:51No
05:51Then what's a cow doing backstage?
05:53That cow right there
05:55Kermit, that's a cow
05:57How did it get in here?
05:59I guess he must have sneaked in
06:00Cows don't sneak
06:02Snakes sneak
06:03Find out who it belongs to
06:06Okay
06:07Who do you belong to?
06:13Scooter!
06:14Okay, Chief, okay
06:15I think they're gonna love this show in Jersey
06:18Here's a Muppet news flash
06:23A plane carrying a load of sports equipment
06:27Was forced to jettison some of its cargo
06:29Among the items tossed out
06:32Were 10,000 ping pong balls
06:34And one bowling ball
06:40Ladies and gentlemen
06:44In a major feat of death-defying music
06:47Robotics never seen before
06:49The Great Gonzo
06:51Will perform on bagpipes
06:54The Ina Kleina knock music
06:55From a flagpole
06:56Ten feet in the air
06:58Ladies and gentlemen
06:59The Great Gonzo
07:00The Great Gonzo
07:06No!
07:06No!
07:06No!
07:12No!
07:22No!
07:22No!
07:23No!
07:23No!
07:23No!
07:24No!
07:26Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead
07:44Oh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive
07:47Are you okay, Gonzo?
07:53Oh, sure
07:53I just fall 11 feet onto solid concrete
07:56Oh, that's too bad
07:58It looks like you're going to have to get a new bagpipe
08:00Yeah, I'm having it made out of solid beaver skin
08:04I'm sorry about that beaver
08:06I don't know how it got in here
08:08Usually we're much more careful about who we allow in this place
08:11Yeah, I can see that
08:13It's been a bad night for security
08:17Wow, you got a great pair of legs
08:21In fact, she's got two great pair of legs
08:24Hey, you wouldn't think about going into show business, would you?
08:30Well, at least have dinner with me
08:32Promise?
08:33Gonzo!
08:34Oh
08:34Hey, Chief
08:36Hmm?
08:37Now, so far, nobody knows nothing about the cow
08:39Well, keep trying
08:40We cannot have a cow backstage
08:42Well, look on the bright side
08:44At least you won't have to give us milk money anymore
08:46It's better!
08:49Come on!
08:50Oh
08:51Oh
08:51Oh
08:55Oh
09:09Oh
09:41You know, Julie, it's very nice to be able to talk quietly with you for a minute.
09:46Thank you, Kermit. I feel the same way.
09:48You know, there's something I was going to ask you.
09:50Excuse me, Julie. Hey, Kermit.
09:51Your nephew, Robin, just fell in a tuba.
09:55He what?
09:56He fell in a tuba, but it's okay. Animals are getting him out.
10:04Hey, Robin, are you all right?
10:05Yeah, it's fun.
10:08Now, you were saying, Julie...
10:09Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, Julie.
10:11Excuse me. Kermit, did you ask to see the Flying Zucchini's Human Cannonball Act?
10:17Not right now, Fuzzy.
10:18Okay, I'll go tell him. Bye-bye.
10:19Bye.
10:25Kermit, I was too late this year.
10:26Oh, yeah, come on.
10:28Yes, now, you were saying...
10:29I will see if they have two...
10:33Okay, okay, yes, yes, yes, yes.
10:35No, I'm sorry, Julie. You were trying to say...
10:38Kermit, Sweetums and Fogg are playing badminton.
10:41So?
10:41Well, they're playing with my chicken.
10:43Oh.
10:44Ah!
10:50Julie, you were asking...
10:52Oh, nothing. I was just wondering what you guys did for entertainment around here.
10:57Oh, nothing much.
11:03Pow!
11:20And now the band is playing very slow.
11:25And once again, I'll get my coat and go a lonely one.
11:33Flower waiting by the wall without the will.
11:38Power to face the music at all.
11:42Please, won't somebody dance with me?
11:49Start up a romance with me.
11:55Just someone to care.
11:59Someone somewhere.
12:03Who will dance with me?
12:07Excuse me.
12:09You're excused.
12:12Excuse me, it's time to change parties.
12:15Now it's time to change ballrooms.
12:17Excuse me, can I cut in?
12:21That reminds me, Marvin.
12:23Did you remember to feed the anteater?
12:28Please, won't somebody dance with me?
12:33Start up a romance with me.
12:39Oh, there she is!
12:42Oh, yeah!
12:43Oh, yes!
12:44Oh, yeah!
12:50Oh, yeah!
12:52Oh, yeah!
12:52Way down south, way down in Borneo
13:18There's a wild man called the Borneo
13:20Way down on Borneo Bay
13:23Even though you've got a corneo
13:27You'll dance till the break of Donio
13:30Way down on Borneo Bay
13:32Wild man stands with his clothes all corneo
13:36Toot, toot, toots on bamboo horneo
13:38Then the bamboo babies start to sway
13:41Start to sway
13:43When you see them dance a Borneo
13:45You'll just put your jewels in Pawneo
13:47Way down on Borneo Bay
13:50Way down on Borneo Bay
14:01Way down on Borneo Bay
14:09Way down south, way down in Borneo
14:29There's a wild man called the Borneo
14:31Way down on Borneo Bay
14:33Even though you've got a corneo
14:38You'll dance till the break of Donio
14:40Way down on Borneo Bay
14:44Wild man stands with his clothes all corneo
14:47Toot, toot, toots on bamboo horneo
14:49Then the bamboo babies start to sway
14:52Start to sway
14:53When you see them dance a Borneo
14:56When you see them dance a Borneo
14:56You'll just put your jewels in Pawneo
14:58Way down on Borneo Bay
15:01Bay!
15:10Kermit, you've really been busy since I saw you last
15:12Oh yeah, we've been doing this show and all that stuff
15:14Oh, and I love the shows
15:16I watch them every week
15:17Oh, hey, that's nice
15:18See, but, you know, one thing a lot of people don't know about you
15:21Is that you write children's books
15:22Mmm, I really enjoy doing that too
15:24And you also write songs
15:26Well, I wrote one for you, remember?
15:28You wrote one for me?
15:29You wrote one for me?
15:30Oh, Kermit, how could you have forgotten?
15:32Oh, I didn't forget
15:33We did it on a special of yours a couple years ago
15:35That's right
15:36Hey, would you do that now?
15:37Oh, I thought you'd never ask
15:39Actually, I knew she was gonna do it
15:42Ready?
15:43Mmm-hmm
15:45When you were a tadpole
15:49And I was a fish
15:53When the whole world had barely
15:57Begun
15:59As far back as that?
16:01Mmm-hmm
16:02I saw you swim by
16:06With a smile in your eye
16:10And I loved you from that moment on
16:16That's a lovely thought
16:18And through all the changes
16:22From fins into fingers
16:26I longed for the day you would be
16:36The sweet loving person
16:40You finally become
16:44From that far away day
16:48In the sea
16:50And my first wish
16:53What's that?
16:55That you would love me too
16:59Cause I've loved you since you were a tadpole
17:06And I was a fish
17:10That really is a lovely song
17:12That really is a lovely song
17:14I'm glad you like it coming
17:16It's a little bit fishy
17:17I really love it though
17:20I love when you sing it
17:22Thank you
17:23Thank you
17:24I'm so glad that you love me too
17:29Cause I've loved you since you were a tadpole
17:35And I was a tadpole
17:37And I was
17:43So
17:44Guess what
17:45A fish
17:46A fish
17:47A fish
17:48A fish
17:49A fish
17:50A fish
17:51Quite little
17:52A fish
17:52A fish
17:53A fish
17:54filosof
17:55A fish
17:57A fish
17:58A fish
17:59A fish
17:59A fish
18:00A fish
18:00A fish
18:00functions
18:01As an abode
18:02as an eagle
18:03Greetings
18:04As Q
18:05Oh
18:06A roger
18:07As an american eagle
18:08Greetings.
18:13As an American eagle, I feel it is my duty to say a few words about the glories of industry and technology.
18:24There are those among us who would silence our factories, shut down our mills, and grind our highways to a halt.
18:36Yea, verily, today the very fiber of our industrialization is under attack from a small, subversive group of namby-pamby conservationists.
18:51These weirdos would stop the march of progress for the sake of a few insignificant animals.
19:00I have here a list, a list of the animals these so-called conservationists would have us protect.
19:14Just listen to this.
19:15The mountain lion, the alligator, the coyote, the timber wolf, the American bald eagle, the American bald eagle.
19:33Excuse me, this list is now inoperative.
19:35Where's the cow? We had a date.
19:45Oh, she's gone.
19:47Oh.
19:47Well, I guess I've still got time to call a chicken.
19:51Stan, where's the cow?
19:53Oh, well, I finally found someone who's going to do something with her.
19:55Oh, yeah?
19:56Who?
19:56The sweetest chef?
19:57Yeah.
19:58What are you doing?
20:05You're on this very handy barbecue.
20:09I'll do that.
20:10Come on.
20:10No, no, no, no, no, no.
20:13No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:17Now, Scooter, would you erase that cow?
20:20Oh, sure, boss.
20:22Erase the cow?
20:23Oh.
20:23welcome again to muppet labs where the future is being made today well we are just feverishly
20:32excited here at the labs today because our latest invention is ready for testing here it is muppet
20:38labs new hair growing tonic and who better to test it on than my willing and eager lab assistant
20:43beaker come on in here beaker now you would like to you would just love to test this new
20:50hair growing tonic wouldn't you beaker i knew he would okay just sit down in this stool here
20:57come on there you go we'll shake a little bit of this on here put it down and massage it in vigorously
21:07well yes now in just a matter of seconds you can grow a rich luxurious head of hair go from a baldy
21:13to a shaggy in the mere tick of a clock there now watch closely here is the result of using muppet's
21:19hair growing tonic perhaps we should call it hair raising tonic
21:28hey kermit hey kermit i found some guys we'll get rid of the cow for you oh that's great who are they
21:37the zucchini brothers the human cannonball yeah but now they're going to change it to a cow cannonball
21:42okay now we give it there's the cow let's go wait wait wait no no no i'm a frog the cow's over there
21:51i don't believe this i'm going to go introduce julie andrews
22:01and now ladies and gentlemen once again miss julie andrews
22:08whenever i feel afraid
22:17whenever i feel afraid i hold my head erect and whistle a hockey tune so no one will suspect i'm
22:41afraid
22:41what's shivering in my shoes
22:47i avoid the careless clothes and whistle a happy tune
22:52and no one ever knows i'm afraid
22:56the result of this deception is very strange to tell
23:03for when i feel the people i fear i hold myself as well
23:10oh i feel a happy tune and every single time
23:18ah the happiness in the tune convinces me that i'm not afraid
23:24i am not afraid i am not afraid okay kids this has been a lot of fun i think we should now pretend i get away
23:40don't be afraid we we only wanted your autograph for a picture
23:58well i don't happen to have a pen on me at the moment but uh there's one at the police station around the corner
24:05you may believe you're brave and the trick will take you far
24:12you may be as brave as you may believe you are
24:21you may be as brave as you may believe you are
24:34well we've come down to the end of another muppet show and i must say that this one has been
25:01a particularly moving experience
25:04but before we go let's have a warm thank you to our special guest our ladies and gentlemen miss julie andrews
25:10thank you thank you kermit i've really had a super time on the show
25:19oh good except for one thing
25:21uh what's that
25:22well i seem to have lost my cow around here
25:25uh what was that
25:32uh nothing uh nothing
25:35uh we'll see you next time on the muppet show
25:41uh permit about my cow
25:44it's quite small
25:46lovely brown eyes
25:49big lashes
25:51could you see that
25:54maybe we did it
25:56about the cow dinner here what am i supposed to do
25:59you want to uh go to a movie here grab a steak
26:24hi i'm brian henson
26:38this episode of the muppet show stars john cleese
26:41john particularly became very close with the muppets
26:45and he immediately created a bond with the writers on the muppet show and he wanted to get involved in the writing
26:49so together they came up with this ridiculous concept where john doesn't want to be on the show
26:55so the great thing is that this whole muppet show is about the muppets trying to get john
27:01to be on the show but john's trying to get off the show
27:03there is no way i'll do a song
27:08there is no way he'll do a song
27:11one great scene to watch for is where john tries to fix gonzo's arms
27:15and ends up stretching them six feet long and ending up nodding his arms all around his body
27:21are you done
27:24but the more he hurts gonzo of course the more gonzo loves it
27:28and here's the episode i hope you love it
27:31john cleese oh 15 seconds to curtain mr cleese
27:38well it's no use struggling mr cleese
27:44you can't leave until you've done the show
27:46it's the muppet show with our special guest star
27:54mr john cleese
27:55it's time to play the music
28:12it's time to light the light
28:14it's time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight
28:17it's time to put on makeup
28:20it's time to dress up right
28:22it's time to get things started
28:25well they'll never get this started
28:27it's time to get things started
28:29on the most sensational inspirational
28:31celebrational muppetational
28:33this is what we call the muppet show
28:38thank you thank you thank you
28:50hi-ho and welcome to another muppet show
28:52hey we're going to have a fantastic show for you tonight
28:55because our guest star is one of the reigning geniuses
28:58behind monty python's flying circus
29:00mr john cleese
29:01here's a note from the stage hands up in the rafters
29:06let's see it says
29:08dear kermit
29:10we are sorry we dropped that heavy weight
29:13but we hope it doesn't do any damage when it hits the floor
29:15p.s. actually we dropped two weights
29:23hey why don't you guys watch the opening number
29:29i think i'm gonna lie down for a while
29:31somebody stole my gal
29:41somebody stole my pal
29:45hey somebody came and took her away
29:50she didn't even say that she was even leaving
29:55her kisses i miss so
29:57i know you miss her kisses
29:59he's getting now i know
30:01you know he's getting her kisses
30:03but gee if she could see
30:06i know she'd come run and hurry up home back to me
30:11if she could only see her broken heart
30:14go on some pounds
30:16somebody stole my gal
30:19go get it gramps
30:20go get it gramps
30:23go get it gramps
30:36go get it gramps
30:37yeah he's getting her kisses
30:38i miss her
30:40oh i know he misses her kisses
30:41yeah he's getting now
30:43i know
30:44i'll bet that hurt don't it
30:46gee
30:46gee
30:47gee
30:47if she could see
30:48gee
30:49i know that she'd come run run run and hurry back to me
30:54she could only see her broken heart
30:57go on some pounds
30:59somebody stole my
31:01somebody stole my
31:03somebody stole my
31:05yeah
31:05what's wrong with you
31:12i got a sore thumb
31:14why don't you get it taken care of
31:15that keeps my mind off the show
31:17and now to appease the intellectuals of our audience
31:23the great gonzo will catch a cannonball with his bare hand
31:27as fired from a muzzle loading cannon
31:29ladies and gentlemen the great gonzo
31:31thank you
31:33the great gonzo
31:36the bare hand
31:39the muzzle loading cannon
31:42the lovely assistant crazy harry
31:45i must ask for complete silence from the audience for this act
31:51ready
32:03three
32:05two
32:05one
32:06fire
32:07it's okay everything is fine folks
32:13gonzo merely got knocked off stage by the impact
32:16but i think
32:16yes
32:17he caught the cannonball
32:19well i've seen my share of cannonball catching acts
32:28but that had something different
32:29what was that
32:30a survivor
32:31hey have you heard about the new police show starring gonzo the great
32:38no what's it called
32:39the uh
32:40long arm of the law
32:42very funny
32:46very drool bear
32:48okay uh what's next neil
32:51uh come it
32:52may i have a word with you please
32:53hey john please
32:55damn it
33:00i am not pleased
33:01oh john what's wrong
33:03come it this place is infested with pigs
33:05so
33:06i don't want to work for them
33:07hi john
33:08hi
33:08hi
33:09hi
33:10hi
33:10that's why every one of my contracts
33:15has a standard no pigs clause
33:17a no pigs clause
33:19uh here we are
33:20it says
33:21i only work with the frog
33:22that's you right
33:23uh check
33:24uh the bear
33:25and the ugly disgusting little one who catches cannonball
33:28that's it
33:29no pigs
33:30and that goes for monsters too
33:32yeah
33:32i'd like to speak to my agent please come it
33:40uh oh sure john
33:42now where is he
33:42over there
33:43okay uh what do i do with the pigs coming
33:50oh well uh
33:52here's a muppet news flag
33:55science has recently discovered a process
33:59which may go a long way towards solving the world's food crisis
34:02dr william edgar of chicago illinois reports he has found a method of synthesizing italian dinners out of wool
34:10at a recent press conference edgar demonstrated his process by knitting a tureen of minestrone
34:17while his wife nancy crocheted meatballs
34:21cool
34:23cool
34:24cool
34:28cool
34:32cool
34:39cool
34:47Usually this bird's a great performer
34:52But tonight she laid an egg
34:55And now
34:59Pigs in Space
35:03Following the acrophobic Captain Link Hogthrob
35:07The illustrious first mate Miss Piggy
35:10And the sesquipedalian Doctor Strangeporn
35:16As we join our story today
35:22Oh, hey, here's long late night watches
35:34Oh, the loneliness of command
35:39What the hell?
35:46This year's ship be under siege
35:50Who are you?
35:55I belong John Silverstein
35:58Deadliest pirate of the seven seas
36:03You can't be a pirate
36:06Of course I'm a pirate
36:08I've got a hat, a parrot and a hook
36:10What else should I be?
36:11A management consultant?
36:13Okay, so you're a pirate
36:15So I'm a pirate
36:16Wrong hand, stupid
36:20What?
36:21The hook was on the left hand
36:23Don't knife me now
36:26In the middle of laying siege
36:28We were going to spend the evening at home
36:31Now
36:32It's always the same
36:34Well, listen, now
36:36What is it that you want exactly?
36:38I'll tell you, Captain
36:39I be master of the ship now
36:42Now, I told you
36:45Just wear an eye patch
36:46Leave the book at home
36:47But you wouldn't listen
36:48This is all ridiculous
36:51This is a spaceship
36:52What?
36:54This is the swine track
36:55Bound for the other side of the universe
36:57You're supposed to be on an ocean someplace
36:59See?
37:01I told you
37:02Shut up!
37:03Oh, sure
37:03Shut up
37:04Shut up
37:05Sure, yeah
37:06But when you want somebody at home
37:07To share a cracker with or something
37:09That's different
37:09Just find somebody else to talk
37:12What?
37:17Uh, excuse me
37:19Sorry
37:20Ah!
37:21Sorry
37:22Where be the crew of this year
37:25Tub now, Captain?
37:28Oh, they're asleep
37:29If you want them
37:29You can call them on the intercom
37:31On the wall
37:32A pirate don't use an intercom
37:34Could be sissy
37:37Don't be so fussy
37:40Oh, all right
37:41Ah!
37:44This be no intercom
37:46This be a payphone
37:50Oh, no
37:51It's a design flaw
37:53That slipped by us
37:54Where be me, Dubloon?
37:59Ah!
38:00Ha, ha!
38:02Look at those Dubloons
38:04Oh, we were broke, you said
38:07That's why you didn't take me to dinner
38:09We had to capture a ship, you said
38:11Listen, will you just...
38:12Oh, you used to take me out all the time
38:15Later, yes
38:16Yes, at least
38:16You don't love me anymore
38:17Of course I love you
38:18I am working now
38:20And you're making a lousy job of it
38:23You want to be an expert?
38:25A pirate
38:25Oh, wait a minute
38:28To take him play at that game
38:30Take this
38:30This has never happened before
38:40Men's men
38:41Oh, man
38:42Men and then
38:43Prepare the holidays
38:45Prepare the holidays
38:46Prepare the holidays
38:47We made a punchline
38:48We already said that
38:50H-N-P-Y
38:54Oh!
38:57Oh!
38:57Now, that was hilarious.
39:00Yes, it was really funny.
39:02You suppose they meant it to be?
39:08I say, what am I going to do with this arm?
39:11Oh, don't worry, Gonzo.
39:13I'll be back later when I drive.
39:23So I says to the waiter, I says,
39:25Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
39:28And the waiter says,
39:29Shh, not so loud.
39:30Everybody will be wanting one.
39:34So I said to the waiter, I said,
39:36Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
39:39And the waiter said,
39:40Looks like the backstroke.
39:44So I says to the waiter, I says,
39:46Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
39:48And the waiter says,
39:49What's the matter?
39:49You ordered a mosquito?
39:50So I said to the waiter, I said,
39:55What's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?
39:58And he said,
39:59Standing in for the apostrophe.
40:03My, what a tough night I've had tonight.
40:05Oh, yeah, me too.
40:06The chef ran out of flies halfway through dinner.
40:09One, two, three, dip.
40:10I'm in a nice bit of trouble, I must confess.
40:27Somebody with me has had a game.
40:30I should by now be a proud and happy bride,
40:34but I've still got to keep my single name.
40:37I was proposed to by Obadiah Binks
40:41in a very gentlemanly way.
40:45Lent him all my money so that he could buy a home
40:49and punctually at twelve o'clock today.
40:53There was I waiting at the church,
40:57waiting at the church,
40:58waiting at the church.
41:00When I found he'd left me in the lurch,
41:04lo, how it did upset me.
41:08All at once, he sent me round a note.
41:12Here's the very note.
41:13Well, this is what he wrote.
41:16Can't get away to marry you today.
41:19My wife won't let me.
41:23Very good, creamy.
41:25Thank you, but it's just a song.
41:26You know, I don't have a wife.
41:28Mm-hmm, not yet.
41:29I don't intend to have one either.
41:31Are you ready?
41:33Yes.
41:33There was I waiting at the church,
41:39waiting at the church,
41:40waiting at the church.
41:42When I found he'd left me in the lurch,
41:46lo, how it did upset me.
41:50All at once, he sent me round a note.
41:54Here's the very note.
41:56This is what he wrote.
41:58Can't get away to marry you today.
42:01My wife won't let me.
42:04Now, will you take a silly pillow out from under your dress?
42:11I like it!
42:12And now, a musical duet featuring Gonzo the Great and my own little nephew, Robin.
42:23Uncle Kermit.
42:23Yeah.
42:24Gonzo says he can't sing with a long arm.
42:26Oh, shall we cancel?
42:27No, no.
42:28I'm doing it with Sweetums.
42:29Sweetums?
42:30Just introduce us, okay?
42:32Hmm.
42:32Sweetums is nine feet tall.
42:34Oh, well.
42:35Whatever.
42:35Here they are, the low and the mighty Robin and Sweetums.
42:52We're two lost souls on the highway of life.
42:56We ain't even got a sister or brother.
43:01But ain't it just great?
43:03Ain't it just grand?
43:06We've got each other.
43:09Two lost ships on a stormy sea.
43:14One with no sail and one with no rudder.
43:18But ain't it just great?
43:21Ain't it just grand?
43:22We've got each other.
43:45Two lost souls on the highway of life.
43:48And there is no one with whom we would rather say,
43:54Ain't it just great?
43:55Ain't it just grand?
43:59We've got each other.
44:03We've got a lot.
44:05Because we've got each other.
44:09Hey, Fozzie, what is red and woolly and five feet long?
44:23Oh, I don't know, Floyd.
44:24What is red and woolly and five feet long?
44:27A mitten for Gonzo the Great.
44:32Oh, good.
44:33Yes, just what the world needs.
44:34Humorous hip persons.
44:36Mr. Cleese, what am I going to do?
44:43Which one are you?
44:44I'm the ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs.
44:47Oh, you...
44:48Look at me.
44:49Yes, it's horrible, isn't it?
44:50Still, not to worry.
44:51I know a plastic surgeon who can fix you up,
44:53give you a little Roman number,
44:54something cute about it.
44:56No, Mr. Cleese, it's not my nose.
44:58It's my arm.
44:59Is it?
45:00Well, why is it in the middle of your face?
45:02Mr. Cleese, just forget about the nose, please.
45:05Well, I'll try, but I can't promise anything.
45:07Now, what's wrong with this arm of yours?
45:09It's about five feet long.
45:11Isn't that enough?
45:11Look at the other one.
45:15Yes.
45:16I think the nose is the problem.
45:19Look, all I want is both my arms to be the same length again.
45:23All right.
45:24Once when I was in the Himalayas, Gonzo,
45:26I met a wise old man who taught me the ancient art of Daucho Chingua.
45:32Were both his arms the same length?
45:33As what?
45:34As each other.
45:36Well, some of them were, yes.
45:37Now, lie down, please.
45:39And I want you to keep repeating something over and over again.
45:43Do you understand?
45:43Something, something, something, something, something.
45:47What?
45:49Something, something, something, something, something, something.
45:53Are you done?
45:54There we are, Gonzo.
45:55Both your arms are the same length.
45:58Oh, no.
45:59I wanted them both short.
46:01What?
46:01Short.
46:02Oh, picky, picky, picky.
46:05Stand up.
46:08Close your legs.
46:09Yeah.
46:09Right, sit.
46:11Oh.
46:11Now, get your arms out of the way.
46:13Oh, Gonzo.
46:14Oh.
46:15There, happy?
46:28No, I can't tie my shoes.
46:30What shoes?
46:31Oh, God.
46:32Wait.
46:33What?
46:34Yeah.
46:35All right?
46:40Well.
46:41What?
46:42What?
46:42What?
46:43Do you want me to do something else?
46:44No, no, no.
46:45Fine.
46:46Fine.
46:46No problem.
46:47Good.
46:48Well, let's pull yourself together.
46:49Yeah.
46:49Yeah.
46:53I wish I could.
46:54Hi, all.
46:57This is Kermit the Frog talking to you from the planet Coosbane, where I'm about to interview
47:02one of the most unusual of the Coosbanians.
47:04I refer to the Coosbanian Spooble.
47:08Hi there, Kermit.
47:09Pleasure to be here.
47:11You will note that the Spooble is composed almost entirely of liquid.
47:17You betcha.
47:18Or as they say on Coosbane, we Spoobles are all wet.
47:21Ho, ho.
47:23That's a big joke with us Spoobles.
47:25Uh, check.
47:26Listen, do you like my jar?
47:28Your, uh, jar?
47:29Oh, it's the latest.
47:31See-through sides, convertible top.
47:33I'm not even wearing the cap.
47:35Uh-huh, yeah.
47:36It's very nice.
47:37My wife said that for a TV interview, I should wear my crystal vase.
47:42But, you know, I want it to be casual.
47:43Uh, yeah, well, listen, uh, the jar is just swell.
47:46Oh, I'm glad it's not winter.
47:48I hate wearing those ugly thermos bottles.
47:51Uh-huh, right.
47:52Okay, well, there you have it, folks.
47:53Once again, it's been an unusual and informative visit with another creature from another planet.
47:59And so, Mr.
48:00Uh, listen.
48:03Uh, well, uh, uh, well, there you have it, folks.
48:08Uh, for the first time in history, a Coosbanian has been drunk on television.
48:13Uh, well, what do you suppose would happen to a Spooble if you put him in a kettle and turned the heat on under him?
48:20Oh, he'd probably get steamed.
48:24And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is our very special guest star to sing to Dream the Impossible Dream.
48:31Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese!
48:33Kermit, Kermit, could I speak to you, please?
48:47Uh, yeah, what is it, John?
48:48What's going on?
48:49Oh, well, nothing.
48:50You just missed your cue, that's all.
48:52What?
48:52See, that was an eight-bar intro, and then you're supposed to sing to Dream the Impossible Dream, you know, like that.
48:57You can't be serious.
48:59Oh, yeah.
49:00Kermit, I don't do old show tunes.
49:03Oh.
49:03Oh, well, I'm sorry, that, that, that's our mistake.
49:06I, I'm sorry, we just got confused.
49:08I, we'll just take, uh, curtains!
49:13Okay, uh, well, uh, here he is, our very special guest star, Mr. John Cleese!
49:18Oh, well, uh, what is it, John?
49:42Kermit, this is mad!
49:43I mean, the moment the curtain came down, three monsters grabbed me and stuffed me into this, I mean, bag me in an opera!
49:49Oh, well, what can I say, John?
49:54I, I'm terribly sorry, it's all our fault.
49:56We'll just, uh, just take it again.
49:57Give us one last chance, will you?
50:00One.
50:00Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
50:07Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
50:10Uh, okay, uh, well, uh, we had a few, uh, false starts here, but, uh, okay, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese.
50:19Right, I'm leaving.
50:20Oh, wait, John, ho! Oh, what's the matter?
50:23Kermit, I am not gonna do some cloth-eared Mexican baraka solo.
50:27That doesn't have to be a solo, guys.
50:31That does not help.
50:33Oh, no, well, how about this? Ah, everybody, come on out.
50:36No, there is no way I'll do a song.
50:41There is no way he'll do a song.
50:45We'll stop this at once.
50:47We will stop this at once.
50:49This is not funny.
50:51Oh, we hope this is funny.
50:54Right, I'm leaving.
50:56He's leaving.
50:59He came into our life, but now he's leaving.
51:02You are supposed to be my host. How can you do this to me? Kermit, I am your guest.
51:11This is your guest. You'll follow that star. No matter how hopeless. No matter how far. You're in the impossible. You're free.
51:32Okay, well, that about wraps it up for another one. But before we go, we'd like to have a warm thank you to our special guest star, Mr. John Cleese.
51:55Thank you, John. It's been really wonderful being on the show, ladies and gentlemen.
52:02Very much hope you'll buy my new record album. John Cleese, a man.
52:08Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
52:10Yes!
52:25Well, see you next time.
52:50Yeah, unless I get lucky and break a leg.
52:52Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
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