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00:00.
00:24Although the freakish autumn rainfall had played havoc
00:28with my farming plans, there were days when the sun came out
00:32and Caleb could get back to tractoring.
00:39And on one of these rare occasions, I decided we needed a treat.
00:48Right, I'm on my way to a local farm shop
00:52to pick up a ploughman's.
00:55Well, what I need for a ploughman's.
00:58And here we are.
01:04You have arrived at your destination.
01:13Right.
01:16Some of those.
01:19Ham, pork pie.
01:24Oh, wait, cheese.
01:25Have you got any Norwegian Jarls burger?
01:28We don't.
01:29Cheddar?
01:30We have wonderful cheddar if you'd like a good, strong cheddar.
01:32So this is all really made by Dale's for and sold in the shop?
01:36Yes, that's right.
01:37There's nothing to see there.
01:37Nothing to see there.
01:38That's what you need.
01:39Crusty loaf.
01:40Butter.
01:41Yeah.
01:42One ploughman's in my bag.
01:44Lovely, thank you so much.
01:47How much is that?
01:48That is 83.44, please.
01:51Put those on top.
01:52So not, right, a bit more than that then. 83, 30, 40 is 90.
01:57Would you like your receipt?
01:58Uh, yeah, because nobody will believe me otherwise.
02:00Thanks.
02:01This, however, turned out to be a wise investment because, on the way home, a 5 million watt light bulb went on in my head.
02:14A farm shop? Why would I not do that? If I put up a little barn somewhere, fill it with all the produce that comes off the farm...
02:29...and I'm going to put up a little barn somewhere, fill it with all the produce that comes off the farm...
02:42...that's not a bad idea.
02:47In fact, it was a brilliant idea, and I even had a location in mind.
02:57Mmm.
03:03This isn't used for farming.
03:07It's just waste ground.
03:09There's a road there, gate there, so there's good access, and best of all, behind these trees. Come and have a look.
03:18Through this little gate here, caravan site.
03:24Endlessly changing customers, and they'll never be able to tell the people the following week how bad my shop is if it is bad.
03:32No bad word of mouth.
03:38With the location sorted, I called Alan, who's been my builder for 25 years, to scoop out the site.
03:45There's the edge. We're going right by that edge near on. When you're looking down that hill down there, you want to be in line with it, so you want to be coming off that corner square.
03:54I didn't actually have all the planning permission yet, but Alan said that, despite this, we could get cracking by removing the first few inches of topsoil.
04:04We stripped the land, just so we could see what we've got. Finish at that, everything's ready.
04:08So, I haven't jumped the gun here.
04:10No.
04:11I've not broken any law.
04:12Absolutely.
04:13I therefore leapt immediately into the driving seat of Alan's big digger.
04:18Yeah, right.
04:19Here we go.
04:20Oh, my van.
04:21Oh, my God.
04:22Oh, shit.
04:23Nice and smooth.
04:24Take the brass off.
04:25Too deep.
04:26Not so deep.
04:27It turned out my diggering skills were quite poor.
04:31Fucking hell.
04:32It's like a swimming pool.
04:33So, after Alan suggested I go and do something else, I went to check on the small patch of experimental potatoes I'd planted on speck a few months earlier.
04:58I've grown a thing!
05:12Another one!
05:14There's millions, look, there's like five!
05:17Look at that!
05:19And another!
05:24As I was digging away, cheerful Charlie dropped by.
05:30Are they good potatoes?
05:31I know that's a baking potato, and that's great, and those are new, and that's a little salad potato.
05:35They're all the same.
05:36But they're melody.
05:37They're good variety.
05:38They'll be really good.
05:40Thing is, though, it's taken me the best part of half an hour to do that.
05:45We've got one bucket.
05:46So, how many buckets am I going to get from here?
05:49We should be on between 14, 16 tonnes an acre.
05:55We've got about two acres here.
05:56So, you just said 14 tonnes?
05:58Yeah.
05:59Are going to come out of here?
06:00Yep.
06:01Just two acres?
06:02Just two acres.
06:03It's a lot of chips.
06:04Put them in the farm shop.
06:07So, the farm shop's not built, and I haven't got planning permission.
06:12So, hang on.
06:13If we get the farm shop built in realistically six weeks, if planning permission comes through
06:19this week, would these keep another six weeks?
06:22We can keep these for six weeks.
06:24How can I keep these from becoming useless for six weeks?
06:28So, we've got to top it, rather than spraying it off.
06:31What, you mean that lawnmower, effectively?
06:32So, lawnmower.
06:33Off we go.
06:34So, you take the leaves off, and then they'll just lie dormant in there?
06:37They'll lie dormant, and the skin sort of firms up.
06:39And that's good?
06:40And that's good.
06:41That will enable it to store for longer.
06:47Caleb then lent me his topping machine, and after giving me a lesson in how it works...
06:52Right, that's it.
06:53Now, PTO enabled.
06:54Now, press it again.
06:55I was on my way.
06:59Yes!
07:03Taking the leaves off my potatoes, that will deprive the potato of its ability to grow,
07:09and it'll just lay dormant in the soil.
07:13God, it's a good tractor.
07:15Jeremy, can you hear me?
07:16It's Caleb.
07:17Yeah, got you.
07:18Might want to drop the topper down.
07:19It might help a little bit.
07:21Yeah.
07:25Rookie error.
07:26Yeah.
07:27Yeah, I knew that.
07:28I'm just going to go back to the start now, and then actually do it with the topper lowered.
07:32Because I think that'll make a huge difference.
07:38It did.
07:39And finally, I was in business.
07:41I did a good job.
07:42Then, with the potatoes sleeping soundly in the ground, I was free to concentrate on other produce for the farm shop.
07:58I've been doing some research, and it turns out that Chadlington, the local village, is named after St Chad, who is the patron saint of Wells and Springs.
08:10Once more, the entire village got its drinking water from springs on this farm.
08:16But then, one night in 1972, the water board switched everybody over to Mainswater.
08:24And they were livid.
08:25They were furious.
08:26Questions were asked in the Houses of Parliament.
08:29The local television station sent a reporter to Chadlington to cover the story.
08:35I've got a clip of that here.
08:38An interesting lesson in democracy here at Chadlington.
08:42That is Chris Tarrant.
08:43That is actually Chris Tarrant.
08:45That's where he began.
08:46In the end, it seems the authorities can pipe what they like through to the villagers' taps.
08:50But short of forcibly pouring it down their throats, they can't make them drink it.
08:54Mrs Cooney, you've been drinking this spring water a long time.
08:56What's so special about it?
08:59Well, because it's pure.
09:00Don't want that other filth.
09:02What is it you don't like about tap water?
09:04Well, it's horrible.
09:05Well, we had a tank of tropical fish, but now it's been changed over, and they've all died.
09:10It's mixed with sewage, right?
09:12From Temple Guyton and all the water.
09:15All the sewage has got to come into it.
09:17All the locals want to drink is this stuff.
09:22They've been doing so for centuries, and it's beautiful.
09:25So he beat me to the Chadlington water story,
09:28and then he beat me to who wants to be a millionaire.
09:31I just live in the man's shadow.
09:35But now I would have the last laugh,
09:37because I would bring back Chadlington's spring water.
09:41I just want to see this spring,
09:42because I've never really paid attention to the springs before.
09:46Job one for Lisa and I was to gather some samples for testing.
09:53Are you grabbing it from straight where it comes out of the ground?
09:55Yes.
09:58This is exactly what Perrier do.
10:00Yeah, that's actually delicious.
10:01Look how quickly you can fill a bottle up from here.
10:07See, what I'm thinking is,
10:09this would be like B&Q with an old people hiring policy.
10:13Got a load of pensioners at the bottom of the waterfall,
10:16with bottles, filling them up.
10:18That'd be fantastic.
10:19Gainful employment for the elderly.
10:22This is the kind of thing you get for CBE for.
10:25Having sent the samples off to the lab,
10:30I had another brainwave.
10:34What I have here is a wasabi plant known as green gold,
10:42because this, in the shops, would cost you £52,
10:47and that's the same as half a ton of carrots.
10:52So, to get at the actual edible bit,
10:55we have to peel the bark.
11:00Most of the green, hot wasabi paste you get in Japanese restaurants
11:05is actually mustard and horseradish,
11:08sort of mixed up with artificial sweeteners and colouring.
11:12This is the real deal.
11:14If I can grow this here,
11:20I'm going to be looking at G5 catalogues in no time at all.
11:37Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
11:41Mmm.
11:49That is fantastic.
11:53It's here now, it's here.
11:55It's here.
11:58Wasabi is not easy to grow, though.
12:01It needs a supply of fast-flowing water
12:04that's exactly the right temperature
12:06and has exactly the right pH level.
12:09And once I'd found a stream that fitted the bill,
12:12I had to build a bed,
12:14which meant I needed a machine.
12:25Single-cylinder engine.
12:270.16 litres.
12:30Top speed, three.
12:32I'm going to call it the James May.
12:33I'm going to call it the James May.
12:34I've now planted about 100 wasabi plants.
12:44If they all survive, that's, well, £5,000 for the roots
13:03and then another 1,000 for the leaves, probably.
13:06And that is more than you'll get from, well, hundreds of acres of wheat.
13:12This is where the money is.
13:14I then broke off from farm shop jobs
13:21because Charlie had been badgering me about my farm equipment
13:25being left out in the open.
13:27So I took some anti-theft measures
13:29with my newly appointed head of security, Gerald, the Drystone Waller.
13:34Told you I could carry it.
13:38You wait, you ain't got a little now, yeah?
13:40You've lost ten tons of company, did it?
13:43Jesus Christ.
13:46Come on, you bastard.
13:48No, no, it's something new last night.
13:51Yeah, we know we are, man.
13:52We could get in the game.
13:53Yeah?
13:54Five o'clock, normally, on a Friday.
13:56Right.
13:57I don't know who he's going to cut them off to.
14:02That'll do.
14:03The thing is, I don't know who the youngest, Sal,
14:06but they didn't bother the loader, that was all.
14:08Well, supposedly.
14:10We going to know that one, then, Friday next then.
14:13Oh, yeah, yeah.
14:16Right.
14:18Listen.
14:19Twenty to six.
14:21All right.
14:22Before they send a search party out from the checkers.
14:24You should get down there.
14:26Um, let me just see you again.
14:27Thanks for being right.
14:28All right, mate.
14:29So, I should be, as well.
14:30Hopefully, when the new subject,
14:33like a better week's talk,
14:34I've got to do some good, probably,
14:35on the programme.
14:37Yeah?
14:38Yeah, that's right.
14:39All right.
14:43So, my equipment was now secure.
14:45I would soon have stuff to sell in the shop,
14:48and planning permission was due any day.
14:52All was going well, until, that is...
14:56What?
14:57I got some bad news from the council.
15:00The village has objected to my, um,
15:03farm shop plan
15:05for the following reasons.
15:09The complaints are simply about
15:11the risk of changing the village,
15:13the risk of damaging the village shops.
15:15It's a little old-fashioned village.
15:18People, generally, are not that keen.
15:23People are a bit bemused with the situation,
15:27and we never know what Jeremy's going to do next.
15:29I mean, he blew up his house.
15:32And he wouldn't be paying attention.
15:37Dogs barked and people thought
15:38the end of the world had come.
15:40Charlie quickly emailed to explain
15:42how I should deal with the objections.
15:44Whilst it does not read well on first inspection,
15:48I have address the concerns already
15:50or through the submission of a business plan.
15:56What is a business plan?
15:57Business plan. Business plan. Examples.
16:00Right.
16:01Customers' priorities and needs.
16:04Routes to market.
16:05Products, services and propositions.
16:07Sales values and margins.
16:09Strategic action plan. Recommender.
16:11Well, I'm going to be a wee.
16:13Having typed in every phrase I'd ever heard on The Apprentice,
16:17I submitted a business plan.
16:19And amazingly, it worked.
16:22Because shortly afterwards, planning permission was granted.
16:27Just tip that out there, Brad. Get that locked.
16:32Everything down the bottom.
16:33This meant Alan could finally start building.
16:36Tip. Just tip it out there. Just tip it.
16:38And I'll get the digger to move it. Get the barrels out of the way now.
16:41But he was now a week behind schedule,
16:44which was a week the potatoes didn't have.
16:47And then, to make matters worse, an old enemy returned.
16:57How can you build anything in these conditions?
17:01Holy cow.
17:19How can you build anything in these conditions?
17:23Have you ever known it wetter here?
17:25No, never.
17:26We're all going to end up with trench foot before the end of the week.
17:28No, the problem I've got is I've got tons of potatoes,
17:32but they're not going to last forever.
17:33So...
17:35How long?
17:37How long?
17:40If the weather breaks, maybe, eight weeks?
17:42No, no, it can't be.
17:48The rain fell non-stop for days.
17:52And when it finally eased up,
17:53this is what the shop's foundations look like.
17:58It's three weeks ago I dug the footings out for the shop.
18:11And that, that's what's happened.
18:14I'm surprised the Environment Agency isn't here saying
18:16I've got an illegal trout lake.
18:18Planning permission's through,
18:20and we get the heaviest rainfall recorded since the last heaviest rainfall.
18:29Does anything go right in farming?
18:31With the build schedule now in tatters,
18:35the priority was to preserve the life of the potatoes.
18:39They'd have to be dug up and stored, which meant I'd need a machine.
18:43And in this part of the world, where no-one grows spuds,
18:46finding one proved to be tricky.
18:48But, much to Caleb's delight, I managed it.
19:00It's like a rust bucket.
19:03I mean...
19:05Bloody hell.
19:08Toilers old and flat.
19:10These need unseasoned.
19:11I'm going to have to heat these up.
19:13That needs re-greasing.
19:14Look, that's old grease, that.
19:16All green and manky.
19:17This thing is a piece of crap.
19:21Eventually, though, he stopped moaning and got it working.
19:30And with some local kids helping out,
19:32the slow, back-breaking work began.
19:35And we're done.
19:41Well, we're done.
19:42From the top of the field down to here.
19:44In, what, probably four hours?
19:46We've got all that to do.
19:53And we needed to get a move on.
19:56One there, look.
19:57This one's going black.
19:59Yeah, that one's going black and a bit squidgy.
20:02In the end, though, the workers saved 16 tons of potatoes.
20:07And apart from a few which my head of security needed,
20:11we got them all into a cool, dark storage barn.
20:24This brought me some time to start work on my next farm shop enterprise.
20:29How many chickens are you going to get?
20:3060.
20:31Eggs.
20:33So we're going to call them not free-range chickens.
20:36Going to call them good exercise chickens.
20:39That's what they call them in Vietnam.
20:41And it's better, I think, than free-range.
20:43Yeah, I like that.
20:45My plan is to build a range of little chicken huts
20:49along this side of the wood.
20:51So actually starting about here.
20:53Yeah?
20:54Yeah.
20:55So you can get the eggs from this side,
20:57but the chickens can exit on that side to run around in the wood.
21:00But we've got to re-fence this.
21:02We've got to put chicken wire around the outside.
21:04How could a fox get in there?
21:06Oh, it's a fox.
21:07Guarantee a fox will get in there in the best part of 20 minutes.
21:11And how high is the fence going to have to be?
21:13Six foot, like this.
21:14And so, the next day, we reconvened to build the fence.
21:20Hold it on the bottom of the post.
21:21Square it up.
21:23Using a machine Caleb called...
21:25his man-killer.
21:29And away we go.
21:30I'm sorry.
21:40You OK?
21:46Higher.
21:49I don't know if that's actually...
21:50That's not actually moving.
21:52Give me a break.
21:58It's that last little lick.
21:59There it is.
21:59There.
22:00The burn.
22:05Right on.
22:05Right, next one.
22:07Do you want to bring that?
22:08I'll bring this.
22:09Oh, we need another post.
22:10We've got to get some more posts.
22:13I'll meet you down there.
22:15Grab two if you can.
22:21And so, the day continued under the lash of the rural ant Middleton.
22:26Higher, higher.
22:27That's it now.
22:28One, two, three, four, five.
22:32Two more.
22:33Come on, two more.
22:34What's this shouting at me this morning?
22:36All that.
22:37Right, you get the ladder and the bar.
22:38I'll get this.
22:40Meet you at the next one.
22:48Ready?
22:49We're not even halfway there, are we?
22:50We're not even halfway there, are we?
22:52No.
22:56Eventually, though, Jurassic Park was finished.
22:58And then it was time to install the hen houses that Lisa had ordered.
23:02It's good, right?
23:04Well, they'd blend if we were in Cambysand or Tobermory.
23:06Well, it was this or Peveldut.
23:07And I've got the birds.
23:08Hey.
23:0960 purebred Burford Browns.
23:10Okay, so let's work this out.
23:11So we can put 20 in there, 12, that's 20, 30, 40, 50, 3, 8, 7 at the end.
23:26I literally wasn't listening.
23:27Okay, I got it.
23:28Clearly, though, the hens weren't thrilled at the prospect of living in Legoland.
23:33These are friskies.
23:34Sorry, sorry, sorry.
23:35Oh!
23:36Jeremy, seriously, you're not going to do this without food?
23:37Yes, we are.
23:38How?
23:39Because, what's this?
23:40I am a bird whisperer.
23:41Oh!
23:42You're picky, bitey.
23:43Oh, you're picky, bitey.
23:45Oh, you're picky, bitey.
23:47Oh, you're not.
23:48You're not.
23:49You're not.
23:50You're not.
23:51You're not.
23:52You're not.
23:53You're not.
23:54You're not.
23:55You're not.
23:56No, this is how you deal with it, okay?
23:58This is an important lesson.
24:00You've got to pretend you're not interested.
24:02Casually coming along, looking the other way.
24:04And then, at the last minute, you dive.
24:07Fucking thing.
24:11Eventually, though, all the hens were safely installed in their new houses.
24:16And Lisa had a little surprise for me.
24:19Close your eyes and where'd your hand?
24:21You know what?
24:22It's an egg.
24:23Another one.
24:24A egg?
24:25Yes.
24:26A faktiskt egg.
24:27They laid it in the crate.
24:28A egg?
24:29Yeah.
24:30Egg.
24:31Does a chicken...
24:32Yes.
24:33...lay eggs out of its arse?
24:34Mm-hmm.
24:35...or it's vagina?
24:36Did you go to boarding school by any chance?
24:38If I Google that, Jeff Bezos is going to worry about me.
24:43He is.
24:44So, full-scale egg production was imminent.
24:48And hopefully so was the bottled spring water.
24:52Because back at the office, an important letter had arrived.
24:56OK, these are the results from all the springs on the farm.
25:08Had the water tested to see what's what, how much of them are drinkable.
25:13Right.
25:15E.coli, basically.
25:19There's a type of bacteria found in the gut of animals and humans.
25:22Some strains can cause diarrhoea, food poisoning, yes, blood, but pneumonia.
25:26So I've got, in spring one, no E.coli.
25:31And no E.coli in spring two.
25:34Right, the essence of what I've got here is the springs...
25:38The springs, one and two, which I want to bottle, are good.
25:44However, there was also some rather disturbing news.
25:49Wait a minute.
25:50A positive coliform sample should be considered an indication of faeces in your source.
25:57The pond that feeds the house where I live...
26:02...is riddled with literally everything in such vast quantities that...
26:08...well, it explains why I'm so full of shit, because that's what I've been living on these last few years.
26:17It's just a torrent of turds.
26:23Worried now that I wouldn't live long enough to actually open the farm shop,
26:27I went to the water filtration room at my house.
26:33Oh, hang on.
26:35It's quite muddy.
26:37Oh, my God, that's...
26:39I'll show you what it's supposed to look like. Hang on.
26:42Right.
26:43That's what it looked like three months ago, and that's what it looks like now.
26:55It's...
26:56I've been drinking this.
26:58I've been drinking rotting animals and faeces.
27:04Luckily, Lisa is in London today.
27:07I won't tell her that...
27:09I won't tell her that this has happened.
27:12That seems to be the best thing.
27:13I'll just say, no, everything's fine.
27:21There was more bad news, because even though they were in storage...
27:28...time was starting to run out for my potatoes.
27:32If you dig around, you know, there's quite a lot of rotten ones in here that we need to sort.
27:41Yeah, we've got these ones, which, sorry for those that are squeamish,
27:48which you sort of have gone all pussy and horrible.
27:55I needed to start selling them immediately, but the farm shop was nowhere near ready.
28:02So, in these desperate times, I came up with a desperate measure.
28:11It's 15p, then, for one of those, or 15p for that.
28:27That's the only drawback to my plan.
28:32So, potatoes are there, bags are there.
28:35Good.
28:36Good.
28:45As it turned out, the honesty box attracted people who were honest.
28:49Hmm.
28:51Mostly...
28:53Somebody has left me this bottle top.
28:57Because they are c***s.
29:00But some people...
29:03...have left actual money.
29:06So, I've earned...
29:08...two, three...
29:11...four...
29:13...five pounds, 35p.
29:15What are they, jacket ones?
29:19Look, look, look, look, look.
29:23So, you've got big ones or smaller ones.
29:26I'll take the big ones, I'll jacket them.
29:27How many do you want?
29:29Seven.
29:31Seven?
29:33Brilliant.
29:35Oh, just so rich!
29:39However, I wasn't going to shift 16 tonnes of potatoes from a filing cabinet.
29:45What I really needed was a finished shop.
29:48And on that front...
29:52...there was good news, because, finally, it was starting to take shape.
29:56Look.
30:00Look, look this morning.
30:02Is that this morning?
30:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:04Look round the other side yesterday, in the rain.
30:05In the rain?
30:06Come and have a look at what we've done yesterday.
30:07Oh, fair-weather alley.
30:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:11That's all right, isn't it?
30:12Nice jumpers, isn't it?
30:13No, it's good.
30:14I like the jumpers.
30:15Yeah, they're good.
30:16We've got a nice few of those.
30:18It just makes it look more like that barn down there.
30:20Yeah, that's exactly right.
30:21Yeah.
30:23Now I've got to go do the sheep.
30:24I really have.
30:25Brilliant.
30:26I've been slowing you down, which I don't want to do.
30:28Bring a few taters back.
30:29I will.
30:30I'll bring you some potatoes.
30:31I'll put a few in for you.
30:32I'll bring you some potatoes.
30:33Please do.
30:38As I was leaving, Alan suddenly remembered something else he needed.
30:42One thing before you go.
30:43We've got to get water electric from the caravan site.
30:46So we need to talk to them.
30:47It's owned by the Camping and Caravan Club, though.
30:49Is it?
30:50And I got on really well with them,
30:52because I've always been incredibly nice about caravans.
30:54I've got all bad caravans.
30:55Yeah, brilliant.
30:56I've always said really kind things.
30:58I've seen them when the sticks are dynamiting them and things.
31:00Brilliant.
31:01Hey, yeah, we need to get out of them, really, don't we?
31:03I'll get on with that.
31:04As it turned out, the Camping and Caravan Club were happy to supply me with their power and water,
31:10so long as I gave them something in return.
31:13So?
31:14Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkson, and as I've always said, you can't beat a caravan holiday.
31:27A site like this offers Camping and Caravan Club members access to the great outdoors for as little as £41 a year.
31:35I think it's brightening up.
31:42And it's a great place to enjoy some al fresco dining or maybe a bit of sport with people from all walks of life.
31:50So, come on, beat those Brexit blues and take your holiday this year in a good old British field.
31:57You won't regret it.
31:58Cheers.
31:59With the power and water now being connected, everything was looking good.
32:14But then...
32:18Well, it's not great.
32:20The site for the farm shop that we're looking at, I've just been checking the title and there's a restrictive covenant in there,
32:28which puts a restriction on your use.
32:31Um...
32:32Aren't there what?
32:33Right.
32:34I've got a map.
32:35So, the farm shop's coming up here.
32:40Yeah.
32:41Is that the boundary of my land?
32:42Yep.
32:46And there's a little corner of that field.
32:49That's not my gate.
32:54We have a right of access and we have a right of use of that.
32:57whole corner of the field.
32:59But it's restricted to agricultural use only.
33:01So, we can build a farm shop.
33:03But no customers could get to it.
33:05But no customers could get to it.
33:07Oh.
33:10It's tiny.
33:11Yeah, it is.
33:12Ten feet.
33:13It's just the gate.
33:14It's literally the gate and a corner of the field.
33:16Um, probably, as you say, about a hundred square feet.
33:19Oh, for God's sake.
33:23I therefore had to go and find the people in the village who owned the gate.
33:28Hoping they weren't those who'd objected to the shop being built in the first place.
33:35And guess what?
33:37They weren't.
33:39They gave me permission for customers to come to the shop so work could resume.
33:47All right, so just tip that out there, Brad. Get the barrels out of the way now.
33:51Until eventually, four weeks later than planned, the building was complete.
33:57It's like Fortnum & Masons, in my mind.
34:03It's what?
34:04Oh, don't say you don't know what Fortnum & Masons is.
34:06Not a clue.
34:07It's a big shot in Piccadilly and London.
34:08You've done that, didn't you? You've done that fucking deliberate.
34:10Harrods. It's like Harrods.
34:12All right, we know what Harrods is, yeah.
34:13It's like Harrods.
34:14We'll get this shit moved, we'll get this levelled back down, and it'll all be ready to go.
34:19What about a toilet, then?
34:20Well, we've got to get something.
34:22That's all right.
34:23You know, there's old people come.
34:24All right, I'm going to go and find something to sell.
34:27It's just never going to stop raining, is it?
34:29Stop raining?
34:30It hasn't stopped for eight weeks.
34:32Let me tell you, Summer, this is global warming.
34:35You racing about all your life in vehicles.
34:38I'm sorry, what car's that over there?
34:40No, mine's electric, that van.
34:4230 euros of you bouting about in them, in other people,
34:46ruined their fucking world for the next generation.
34:50Just unbelievable horse shit.
34:52Right, let's get on with this.
34:55Get all them pipes out.
34:57Shut that door up, Jason, don't get damaged.
34:59In truth, there was a lot to do before the bear barn was an actual shock.
35:04Luke, I want all this rubbish out of here.
35:06But as each hour passed, the potatoes were rotting.
35:12The pheasants were eating my wasabi.
35:15The fox was circling the hen houses.
35:18And the hunt I brought in to deal with it were bound by law to be on the phone when it strolled by.
35:28As time was therefore critical, I decided that night that the Diddly Squat farm shop would open, come what may, that weekend.
35:38Well, we've got to get all the boxes up for the vegetables in the farm shop.
35:45Yeah.
35:46Got to get the advertising signs hung.
35:47OK.
35:48We've got to get the farm shop decorated.
35:50So what do you want me to do?
35:51And when's the farm shop opening, actually?
35:53Tomorrow.
35:54Two o'clock.
35:55Two o'clock.
35:56I know.
35:57What time now?
35:5820 to 10.
35:59Friday.
36:00Opens tomorrow.
36:01And we've got to do all this.
36:02Well, those potatoes will have rotted.
36:04If we don't open it now, we have no potatoes.
36:07All those potatoes will certainly rot.
36:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:12Caleb rushed off to get signs made while I took Lisa to the shop so she could start decorating and I could try out the car park.
36:25That's really deep.
36:28That's really bad.
36:37Ready?
36:38Yes.
36:39Hang on.
36:41Yay!
36:42Great.
36:43Eventually.
36:44Ready?
36:45Yeah, go on.
36:48Wow.
36:49Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
36:50Where's the sink?
36:51What?
36:52So you have a sink and you're rinsing stuff.
36:54No, no, we haven't got a sink.
36:55We've got a tap.
36:56But let's not get bogged down, shall we, with the lack of any form of drainage to save money.
37:04That looks fantastic.
37:05It's a lot bigger with the roof on.
37:07Yes.
37:08Leaving Lisa to paint the walls, I went off to help Caleb erect our advertising signs.
37:14Oh!
37:15How many people are coming on Saturday?
37:16Well, now, that's a good question.
37:17Have you put it in the Chippy Norton news?
37:30Um, no.
37:31Because it suddenly occurred to me...
37:33Social media.
37:34Social media.
37:35Twitter, I've got 7.1 million...
37:39Fucking hell!
37:40...followers.
37:41What do you do on Twitter?
37:42I never...
37:43I didn't use Twitter.
37:44Nothing.
37:45It's just...
37:46Twitter now is just an opportunity for very left-wing people to express increasingly left-wing
37:49views to other left-wing people.
37:51So I'm not sure it's a farm shop.
37:53Hey, but it's all vegetarian, isn't it?
37:55Yeah, now it is, yeah.
37:56Yes, you see, that's a Twitter handle.
37:59Everything's going vegan.
38:00That's a Twitter handle.
38:02Oh, Christ, we'll have them with their smelly armpits queuing up for a mile, if we say that.
38:07After I'd finished tweeting, Caleb came up with a Caleb-type suggestion about what we could do with any unsolved potatoes.
38:15There's a thing, you actually can go and have a potato fight with people.
38:18Get there, you get drunk and you chuck potatoes at each other.
38:21Do you go to a party?
38:26Yeah.
38:27And then how's it work?
38:28Start off all, how you doing, you all right?
38:30And then about, I don't know, ten o'clock comes, that's it.
38:33You're just chucking potatoes at each other.
38:34Who are these other potato-flingers round here?
38:37I can't, like, name them all, because they'd be like, oh, yeah, he says, name me.
38:40And everyone would be chucking potatoes at home, like, they like it.
38:46Your life and my life are incredibly different.
38:51With the signs up, we went back to the farm shop...
38:58...to help erect the port-a-loo.
39:01Right, it's a thing of great beauty, isn't it?
39:05So we just plonked that up.
39:07How does it not blow over in the wind?
39:09Oh, probably best to put some sandbags or something to weigh down.
39:12Cheers, mate.
39:13With the port-a-loo in place, I went to check on Michael O'Angelo.
39:22So, Jeremy?
39:23Yeah?
39:24I spoke to Mum.
39:25Yeah?
39:26And I sent her a video of what I'm doing.
39:27Yeah?
39:28And she sent me a WhatsApp back.
39:29Oh, my goodness.
39:31Stop right now.
39:32You need to prepare the breeze blocks before you paint them.
39:35Google it.
39:36So I Googled it, and you have to do a mixture of cement and water,
39:40and then paint that on.
39:41Yeah, but if we just say we wanted this effect...
39:45Well, we haven't got time to do that.
39:47The shop is opening in 24 hours and 10 minutes.
39:52Leaving Lisa to it.
39:55I went to collect the eggs we'd be selling.
39:59One.
40:01Two.
40:03No.
40:05Absolutely none.
40:07One.
40:09Last chance.
40:1159 chickens.
40:15One.
40:16What are you doing?
40:18That is 11 eggs.
40:19That is enough for a picnic, not a shop.
40:24Having harangued the hens, I drove back to the farm shop...
40:31...and arrived just in time for a visit from cheerful Charlie.
40:35I was just thinking, as I walked across,
40:36could you have built it in a windier spot?
40:39Yes, I know, but we're next to ready-made customers.
40:43Absolutely.
40:45Charlie then informed me that I wouldn't be selling any mutton from the sheep I'd slaughtered earlier.
40:51I can't sell the meat?
40:53Nope.
40:54Not until you've got the sign off from food hygiene.
40:57So that frozen...
40:59That frozen stuff will have to stay unsold until we've got...
41:02She's coming around next week, I think.
41:04Is that the one that can't come on Thursdays and Fridays?
41:07The local council cannot send somebody out, yes.
41:10Why not?
41:12Because she only works Monday to Wednesday.
41:14Is it 1974? Have I been asleep and woken up in the 70s?
41:19Come on.
41:21Inside, Charlie's bureaucratic bombs kept on falling.
41:26In Lisa's mind, there's a lovely coffee area out here.
41:29People can sit and have a cup of coffee.
41:32Variation of planning.
41:34Building a fire pit, do I need a council planning permission for that?
41:36No, but we might need a risk assessment.
41:39Can I put a note up outside?
41:41Don't walk in the fire.
41:43Don't lie down in the fire.
41:45That's good. That's good.
41:47Don't touch the fire, don't...
41:49So what I'm saying is, hello, customer.
41:51I think you're a halfwit.
41:55Mercifully, I eventually escaped from the red tape
41:58and got on with the business of finishing the shop.
42:06See, that's gonna work.
42:20We've got so much to do.
42:33Fucking hell.
42:37The next day, the weather was not like this.
42:45It was cold and bleak.
42:48And there were still issues to be dealt with.
42:53They're really good eggs.
42:55You have got a salmonella test.
42:57What? Have we?
42:59Have you?
43:03That looks really good, doesn't it?
43:04Yeah, that looks fantastic.
43:05I'll open this one.
43:07Here we go.
43:09And then we have...
43:10When it's closed, look, look, look.
43:12No, no, no.
43:13It's a yoga shop.
43:14Squat shop?
43:15Well, a squat shop, it sounds like people come here to do yoga.
43:17Disney's squat.
43:18It's when we're closed.
43:19Yeah.
43:20It's very clear what we do.
43:21Yeah.
43:22When we're open, women will come in leotards and say,
43:24can I do a downward dog?
43:31Bit of a problem with the spring water.
43:33I ordered four sample bottles and they've arrived in time for the shop opening, but I went for the yellow one and, as you can see, I mean, the label's good. I'm pleased. It's clear, but it kind of looks like a sample.
43:58However, as Zero Hour approached, everything was finally in order.
44:07And we were ready to receive customers.
44:23The question was, had my social media shout out been enough to draw any in?
44:30Right, here we go.
44:32This is it.
44:37Can I interest you in some, anything?
44:58Potatoes, maybe?
44:59Yes, a wide selection of potatoes.
45:01Yes.
45:02Well, their melody potatoes are delicious. For chipping, for roasting are really good.
45:07OK.
45:08Baking are fantastic.
45:09Chips, knock yourself out.
45:11You take American Express?
45:12Uh, Visa.
45:13Ah.
45:16Then, just as I was starting to panic...
45:19Holy cow!
45:29Oh, my giddy-ard.
45:33No, seriously, look down there. Look down there.
45:38It is quite literally, as far as the eye can see.
45:40Oh, my God, what have I done?
45:52You all right?
45:53Yeah, I am.
45:54It's just more people have come than I was expecting.
45:56Yeah.
45:57Well, my husband had an operation, but he came to see you.
45:59Oh, I'm so grateful to you.
46:01And he had a fine operation.
46:02Well, I've got disabled parking.
46:04So, have you got your blue badge?
46:07Yes.
46:08You go and put your park in the blue badge.
46:09I've put a special space.
46:11Thanks.
46:14Also, hordes of people were now arriving on foot.
46:19Soon, the shop was heaving, and Lisa was run off her feet.
46:24Hi.
46:25Hi.
46:26Hi, how are you?
46:27Hi, how are you?
46:28Hi, how are you?
46:29I, meanwhile, had decided I was more useful as a front of house type of person.
46:33Do you mind off me?
46:34No, no, that's fine.
46:35What do I write?
46:36Too courty.
46:40There we go, and your potatoes.
46:42That'll be 621, please, sir.
46:44There we go, six pounds two feet.
46:46And that's 672.
46:47Anyone heard about that with Chelsea Spurs?
46:49Six...
46:50How much? 220.
46:51Hi, how are you?
46:52Hi, thank you.
46:53There we go, and your potatoes.
46:54And you want the cake as well?
46:55Yeah.
46:56Which newspaper are you from?
46:57I'm from a gentleman.
46:59Cotswold gentleman?
47:00Yeah.
47:01I like the idea of being in the Cotswold gentleman.
47:05As the customers piled in, a problem developed.
47:10The car park was becoming a crumb.
47:15That's a problem.
47:16I saw this as a public relations disaster.
47:19While Caleb saw it as a business opportunity.
47:24You're not charging people to tow them out of the car park?
47:28No, you're not.
47:29You can't.
47:30It's not fair.
47:31It's a shop.
47:33You're here to provide a service with my very powerful tractor.
47:38Hmm.
47:39Yeah, now to think of it.
47:40Does that mean I can have my £10 back?
47:42You're not paying him.
47:43Caleb, give him the...
47:44Yeah, I'll give him £10.
47:45Give him £10.
47:46See?
47:47There's a business idea.
47:48It isn't a business idea.
47:49It's theft.
47:50As the afternoon wore on, the punters kept on coming.
47:58Right, so that is just over three kilos.
48:00Let's say three kilos.
48:01A car would be much easier if you have it.
48:04Well, carry it to your car, madam.
48:14I mean, I can...
48:15I can't sell meat.
48:17But I have got a bit of money.
48:25Thank you very much.
48:26And it's £10 to get out.
48:27If you want my meat, it's round the back.
48:31After a frantic day,
48:34it was time to shut the doors...
48:36Thanks for coming.
48:37Thank you ever so much for coming.
48:39Enjoy your potatoes.
48:40...and count the takings.
48:4660, 80, 100, 120...
48:48Do we need one of those, like, Pablo Escobar counting machines?
48:51Shh!
48:52No, you're not like drug dealers, like...
48:54150, I'd say we have about 160, 170, 175 in there.
49:05175?
49:06Yeah, and?
49:0775 pounds.
49:08Cash.
49:09I don't know, it's just, say 75, say 75.
49:12How much do we do on credit card?
49:14How much do you think?
49:15Um, don't know.
49:17I can't even begin to guess.
49:18100, 200 pounds.
49:20897 pounds, 76 pence.
49:22So we always, almost made it.
49:24No, 8, 7?
49:27897 pounds, 76 pence.
49:31Plus 100, well, we will own up to this.
49:33170 odd, so over a grand.
49:40I know.
49:41I'm a human tripod.
49:44I mean, that's a lot of sales.
49:46We have so, so many potatoes.
49:48And we have so many left, Jeremy.
49:55But no matter.
49:57The shop was now on the map, and there was always tomorrow.
50:02Except, as it turned out, there wasn't.
50:06I've been closed down.
50:11I have in my hand a piece of paper from the council.
50:14They're unhappy with the tin roof.
50:16They say they want it to be made of slate.
50:18And obviously, if they're not happy, I don't have planning permission.
50:21If I don't have planning permission, I can't be open.
50:23Which means this is the shortest farm shop business in history.
50:32Something will go right one day.
50:33It has to.
50:35It has to.
50:41Oh, yeah, look at that.
50:44Ecoists get their cocks out for this kind of thing, don't they?
50:46What the fuck are you doing up here?
50:51What the fuck are you doing up here?
51:16What the fuck are you doing up here?
51:27I don't think my friend could
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