- 7 months ago
A chirpy driver and his pal torment the long-suffering inspector of the Luxton Bus Company while working shifts on a double-decker bus.
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Short filmTranscript
00:01:00Good afternoon, Mrs. Butler.
00:01:04Good afternoon, Inspector.
00:01:06Can you tell me, is my Stan driving the number 11 that's due in now?
00:01:10Undoubtedly, Mrs. Butler.
00:01:12That's the one that's ten minutes late.
00:01:13Oh, yes, it would be, because the 3.45 from Tilbury's All was a bit late.
00:01:19The number 11 bus, madam, it doesn't go to Tilbury.
00:01:22It goes to the 7th and 8th and back.
00:01:24I know, but Stan's waiting in the station to meet his auntie Mould.
00:01:27What?
00:01:28He's just come to stay with us, and Stan said he'd meet at the station if a train wasn't more than half hour late.
00:01:34Did he?
00:01:35I'll make a note of that.
00:01:37Oh, he's very obliged, my Stan.
00:01:39Yes.
00:01:40I'll see the general manager gets to hear about that.
00:01:43Oh, you're very kind.
00:01:44Not all inspectors are like that, my Stan says.
00:01:47No, no, there's one they call Hitler.
00:01:49Stan says he's a real bastard.
00:01:51That's it.
00:01:55Where's that bus?
00:01:57Is that the one that's coming in now?
00:01:59Yes, that's the one.
00:02:01They'll back in here and back right up there.
00:02:03Why do they always back in?
00:02:05Saves them backing out.
00:02:05Hello, Stan.
00:02:28Hi, Mum.
00:02:29Did you pick up your auntie?
00:02:30Yeah, of course I did.
00:02:31Hang on, I'll open the doors.
00:02:32Oh, thanks, love.
00:02:35Hello, Mum.
00:02:36Hello, Mabel.
00:02:38How are you, love?
00:02:39Oh, I've had a shocking journey.
00:02:42Hello, auntie.
00:02:43Hello, love.
00:02:44Have you said hello to Stan?
00:02:45No, not yet.
00:02:46Come here, love.
00:02:47Have you given your aunt a kiss yet?
00:02:48No, not yet, Mum.
00:02:49I was just...
00:02:49Butler?
00:02:49I'd like a word with you, if I may.
00:02:52Come on, give me a kiss.
00:02:58This is my nephew.
00:02:59I used to bath him.
00:03:02Then there's a time I've had him on me knee
00:03:05and smothered his little bottom with powder.
00:03:09Fascinating, I'm sure.
00:03:10Has he still got that little birthmark on his little body?
00:03:13I should ask the Clippers about that if I were you.
00:03:15I beg your pardon, Mrs Butler.
00:03:19No offence intended, I'm sure.
00:03:21Well, have you got everything, Maud?
00:03:22Yes.
00:03:22Oh, Marcus.
00:03:24Marcus.
00:03:25Marcus.
00:03:25Who's Marcus?
00:03:26My doggy.
00:03:28Didn't I tell you I got a little pet?
00:03:30No, you didn't.
00:03:32He's so nervous riding on the bus.
00:03:34Marcus.
00:03:35Marcus.
00:03:36Come on to mummy.
00:03:37Come on.
00:03:39He won't come off.
00:03:40Oh.
00:03:40Oh, Ollie.
00:03:41Go and see if you can get him off.
00:03:43She's ever so good with little doggies.
00:03:44Come on, Maud.
00:03:45Didn't she, son?
00:03:46Yes, that's right.
00:03:47Come on, Larn.
00:03:48That's it.
00:03:49Come on.
00:03:49Oh, no.
00:03:52Oh, no.
00:03:53Oh, no.
00:03:54Oh, no.
00:03:55Oh, no.
00:03:58Who let that creature on the bus?
00:04:00Where's your conductor?
00:04:01Er, well, he was on when we got left the depo.
00:04:03Jack, are you working?
00:04:05I am not coming down till that animal's under control.
00:04:08Don't be daft.
00:04:09He won't hurt.
00:04:10There's nothing wrong with him.
00:04:11Oh, my darling.
00:04:14Then he's all right.
00:04:15Come to Maud.
00:04:16Friend.
00:04:19It's all right for you, mate.
00:04:20You're sitting up front.
00:04:21I shall have to make a note of this.
00:04:23Where's your way, Bill?
00:04:24Here.
00:04:25The rest of it's inside him.
00:04:27You gave it to him to play with, did you?
00:04:30Play with?
00:04:31Look what he's done to me pouch.
00:04:34First me way, Bill.
00:04:35Then me pouch.
00:04:36He was getting too close for comfort, so I went upstairs.
00:04:39You shouldn't have let him on the bus in the first place.
00:04:41He didn't let him on.
00:04:42He got on.
00:04:43Lord, you never said you had a vicious pet like this.
00:04:46You should have said.
00:04:47He's only a little pet.
00:04:48He's not like this normally.
00:04:50He upset him.
00:04:51He wouldn't let him get on the seat.
00:04:53Because at the time, there happened to be two people sitting on it.
00:04:57He went for me.
00:04:58Tried to bite me.
00:04:59And I only smiled at him.
00:05:03I'm not surprised with your choppers, mate.
00:05:06I thought he was going to bite him.
00:05:07Come on, get that creature off the bus, come on.
00:05:11There's no time to waste now.
00:05:13Come on, Olive.
00:05:14Give him up.
00:05:14Give him up.
00:05:15If you want, come on, come on.
00:05:17Oh, don't be silly.
00:05:17You don't know what I'm doing.
00:05:18Come on, I'll show you.
00:05:20You've got to be shy.
00:05:20Come on, good boy.
00:05:21Good boy.
00:05:22You've got to sit there and choose the bus, you see.
00:05:28Lovely little he dragged me, didn't he?
00:05:29Sorry.
00:05:30Yeah, he's probably feeling angry again.
00:05:32Come on.
00:05:32He won't come any further.
00:05:34It's no use using brute force to get him off the bus.
00:05:39Use a bit of logic, for God's sake.
00:05:41Give him something to get off for.
00:05:43A tomcat to get him off.
00:05:46No.
00:05:49No.
00:05:51No.
00:05:51No.
00:05:56Love you.
00:05:57Sound as though you've been doctored.
00:06:00Brilliant marvellous.
00:06:01Any minute now, it'll be down on all fours digging holes.
00:06:03But that won't get him off.
00:06:06He's afraid of cats.
00:06:08I know what's wrong.
00:06:09It's afraid of him.
00:06:11Afraid of me?
00:06:12Oh, no, no.
00:06:13Not the inspector.
00:06:14Yes.
00:06:15He was once kicked by a man with a little black mustache,
00:06:17just like he's got.
00:06:18So he thinks this man's cruel and nasty.
00:06:21Very clever dog.
00:06:23Now, sir, perhaps if you went and ate,
00:06:27he might get off.
00:06:28Went and ate?
00:06:29Yes.
00:06:30Imposterous.
00:06:31However, if the dog's as daft as all that,
00:06:34I suppose I'd better go and hide.
00:06:37Right there.
00:06:38The minute the inspector's gone,
00:06:39he's all right.
00:06:41Yeah.
00:06:41See you later, then, Mum.
00:06:42Yeah.
00:06:44Yes, Mum, I said it.
00:06:45Immediately the inspector goes,
00:06:46everybody's all right.
00:06:46Get it on, you idiots.
00:06:48What are you doing up there?
00:06:52It's a good job I had that bit of liver in the cupboard.
00:06:55I don't know what I'd give Marcus.
00:06:58Oh, you know, he's too big a dog to have in the house.
00:07:00Olive, love.
00:07:01Go and take him outside.
00:07:02There's a good girl.
00:07:03Oh, I'll put him in the hall.
00:07:04Yes, go and take him in the hall.
00:07:06That's right, love.
00:07:07Come on.
00:07:08Oh, what a size.
00:07:09Here, where's that husband tonight?
00:07:10He's very late.
00:07:11Well, he always is on a Friday night,
00:07:13hasn't he?
00:07:13Doesn't get into half past ten.
00:07:14Oh, I think it's terrible them working them so late.
00:07:17No, not really.
00:07:18Eh?
00:07:18Well, if Arthur had been here,
00:07:19the dog wouldn't have had his liver.
00:07:22Oh, there's your husband now, Olive.
00:07:25Get, hey, get down.
00:07:26Get off with you.
00:07:27Leave, go.
00:07:28Hey, get.
00:07:29Who put that great big brute out there?
00:07:34She did.
00:07:35Well, she might have turned the light on.
00:07:38Open the front door.
00:07:39He put his paws right up in me shoulder,
00:07:41started licking me face.
00:07:42I thought his olive gone berserk.
00:07:46Do you really think it was me?
00:07:47Come and give us a kiss.
00:07:49Oh, Frank, you've had enough off the dog.
00:07:52Whose is it?
00:07:53Aunt Maud's.
00:07:54Aunt Maud?
00:07:55Oh, she's arrived, has she?
00:07:56Where is she?
00:07:57Upstairs, I'm packing.
00:07:59Oh.
00:08:01Hey, that smells good.
00:08:02My liver, is it?
00:08:03I'll have that now.
00:08:04You've had it.
00:08:06Anyway.
00:08:07You've had it, because the dog's had it.
00:08:10You give my liver to that dog?
00:08:12Well, we had to give it something, love.
00:08:15Olive, go in the kitchen and get some cheese and pickled onions.
00:08:18Yes, all right.
00:08:19Charming, isn't it?
00:08:20Hey, I was looking forward to that liver.
00:08:22Never even got a taste of it.
00:08:23Your mustard dog wouldn't have jumped up and lit you?
00:08:26What did that aunt of yours want to bring that great big?
00:08:28Brutalier for her anyway?
00:08:30She must be out of her mind, a stupid old bag.
00:08:32Oh, no, Arthur.
00:08:33Oh, hello, Aunt Maud, how nice to see you.
00:08:37Oh, that would come down, wouldn't it, Popple?
00:08:39It's in the kitchen, love.
00:08:41Give us a kiss.
00:08:41Aye.
00:08:42Yeah.
00:08:43Ah-ha.
00:08:44Mwah.
00:08:45Mwah.
00:08:45Blimey, first the dog know her.
00:08:48It's like a Roman orgy.
00:08:51Here, Arthur, cheese and pickled onions.
00:08:53There's not much cheese you'll have to fill up with pickled onions.
00:08:56You bring them in for me or yourself.
00:08:57Me, Wolf.
00:08:58I haven't seen you since the day you and Ollie got married.
00:09:03It doesn't seem like nine years.
00:09:06It does to me, mate.
00:09:08Mind you, Ollie's put on a bit round the middle.
00:09:11Yes.
00:09:11I didn't notice it when you got your coat on.
00:09:14Of course, they have been married long enough, haven't they?
00:09:18Is she, you know?
00:09:19No, she is not.
00:09:22She's just greedy.
00:09:25Nine years.
00:09:27Didn't he have to have an operation?
00:09:30Aye.
00:09:30Yes.
00:09:31Seven years ago.
00:09:33Hasn't done no good.
00:09:34That has got nothing to do with it.
00:09:36Perhaps you should have another operation.
00:09:40You don't shut up, mate.
00:09:41You'll need one.
00:09:43Honey, Stan hasn't got married, isn't it?
00:09:46Aye.
00:09:47Isn't he caught in?
00:09:48Oh, I don't know.
00:09:50He goes out with Jack most nights as conductor.
00:09:54Oh.
00:09:57What do you mean, oh?
00:09:59Well, I hope he's not going to turn out like Uncle Herbert.
00:10:03Oh, Maud, shut up.
00:10:04Hang on, hang on, hang on.
00:10:06What is about Uncle Herbert?
00:10:08Why shouldn't I turn out like Uncle Herbert?
00:10:09It's something we don't talk about, love.
00:10:11Ah, come on, come on.
00:10:12I want to know.
00:10:13Well, it's very, it's, well, it's just that he was, um...
00:10:16But it's all right now, cos it's legal.
00:10:26I mean, what a family I'm married into.
00:10:28Good job we haven't got any children.
00:10:30Oh, they wouldn't be like Stan, they'd be like me.
00:10:33Well, that's a great comfort, innit?
00:10:34I think I'll go to bed.
00:10:36Oh, will you be all right in Stan's room, love?
00:10:38Oh, yes.
00:10:40It's ever so nice of Stan to give his room up for me.
00:10:43Yeah.
00:10:43I thought that Marcus could sleep outside in the shed.
00:10:46Go and get him, Olive.
00:10:47He...
00:10:47Righto, Mum.
00:10:48Can't.
00:10:49He'll catch his death.
00:10:51He's ever so delicate.
00:10:52I noticed that the way he dragged me on the bus.
00:10:56Marcus is used to bedding down on the sofa.
00:10:58Otherwise, he'd be yelling all night long.
00:11:01Now, you'd have to go in the front room.
00:11:03Oh.
00:11:04Look, I'm sleeping on the sofa in the front room.
00:11:06Well, I'm sure you'll both be very happy.
00:11:09I've felt that.
00:11:10Marcus would have to go on the sofa.
00:11:12Otherwise, we'd all be up all night.
00:11:14Ah, we love having you here, but I'm sorry.
00:11:16I don't know.
00:11:17I don't know.
00:11:17I don't know.
00:11:18Mum, I'm not having any.
00:11:20I'll tell you what.
00:11:20Olive, come in with me.
00:11:22Stan's sleep with Arthur.
00:11:24Aye.
00:11:24I have not sleep with him, but that's fine.
00:11:27You're not...
00:11:27I'm not particularly about sleeping with you, mate.
00:11:29And the way you're noshing back them pitwood onions, boy,
00:11:31I'd rather sleep with a dog anyway.
00:11:42You can't sleep, mate.
00:11:45Why not?
00:11:46Because that's my side.
00:11:47Go over the other side.
00:11:47Ah, don't be childish.
00:11:48Come on, come on.
00:11:49I want to get some sleep.
00:11:50Go over the other side.
00:11:51God.
00:11:51I'm here.
00:11:52I've warmed that side now.
00:11:54Thank you very much.
00:11:56I do not require your heat.
00:11:58All right, then.
00:11:58Oh, come on.
00:11:59Up again, finally.
00:11:59No, don't be sad.
00:12:00I'm sorry.
00:12:00Blimey, you're all right up, aren't you?
00:12:13Aye.
00:12:17Oh, Phil, I'm sleeping in an hole.
00:12:19Yeah, that's where Olive sleeps.
00:12:23If you want to get this mattress fixed,
00:12:25blimey, I'm surprised you don't get stuck in it.
00:12:27No, thank you very much.
00:12:28I don't want no rolling over my side.
00:12:30Ah, I'm comfortable, I know that.
00:12:36It's no good, mate.
00:12:37I can't sleep that side.
00:12:38Oh, blimey.
00:12:39Look, mate, I am sleeping here.
00:12:40I have slept this side for nine years
00:12:43and Olive has slept that side for nine years.
00:12:44So, there.
00:12:45That sounds like the Berlin Wall.
00:12:48I suppose you do meet at times for Checkpoint Charlie.
00:12:51Oh, shit.
00:12:52You can either sleep there or find somewhere else to sleep.
00:12:55Oh, all right, then.
00:12:58Ow!
00:12:59Ow!
00:12:59What's the matter?
00:13:01Army, what have you got at the bottom of this bed?
00:13:03Like a runny mousetrap or something?
00:13:04Come on.
00:13:06Come on, look at that.
00:13:10It's a curler.
00:13:12Yes, it's one of Olive's.
00:13:14It's one of but she's got one of yours.
00:13:17Howdy, get down there.
00:13:18Oh, you're lucky to find anything down there, mate.
00:13:21I don't think Ollie's ever made her bed.
00:13:23She just pulls her bed clothes up.
00:13:24I can't sleep this side.
00:13:38I can't sleep this side.
00:13:52What's the matter now?
00:13:53Cos I always sleep on me right side.
00:13:55What, so?
00:13:56So?
00:13:57I'll never get to sleep looking at your clock, will I?
00:14:00Blimey, stupid.
00:14:01You won't see me in the dark, will you?
00:14:03Blimey, I'll smell, you know.
00:14:05You're breathing pickled undies all over me.
00:14:08Go on.
00:14:09Face the other way.
00:14:10Oh, right then.
00:14:12When Olive, I always sleep face in a door anyway.
00:14:19Hey!
00:14:21Your toenails!
00:14:22What's wrong with them?
00:14:24Blimey, mate.
00:14:24Get a gun of like shark's teeth.
00:14:26You're supposed to cut the rut sharper.
00:14:28I'll sleep with your socks on if you like.
00:14:30I thought you always did.
00:14:31Ah, shut up.
00:14:32Where's the nail scissors?
00:14:34I expect you're at the bottom of the bed with a load of rather rubbish.
00:14:36God, blimey, you're breath, mate.
00:14:42I'm not having my toenails cut unless you suck a peppermint.
00:14:47I can't find the nail scissors anyway.
00:14:49You just keep your feet out of the way.
00:14:50That's all right.
00:14:52So have some sleep.
00:14:53Oh, no.
00:14:54Yes!
00:14:56I lost my cock.
00:14:57Oh, boy!
00:15:01That is not all you've lost.
00:15:04Jaws, put that stuff on your face.
00:15:07Yeah, it's supposed to make me look prettier.
00:15:09It does.
00:15:10You should use it more often.
00:15:12Oh, Arthur.
00:15:13Why do you let Stan say things like that to me?
00:15:15Because I never think of them first.
00:15:17Oh.
00:15:18Oh, there they are.
00:15:21How did they get under the bed?
00:15:23I don't know, mate.
00:15:24You must have pushed them out the bottom.
00:15:25If you made the bed a bit more often,
00:15:26you'd find loads of things down here.
00:15:28Oh.
00:15:28Now, come on.
00:15:29Let's get some sleep, for goodness sake.
00:15:30Oh.
00:15:33Oh.
00:15:33Oh.
00:15:34Oh.
00:15:34Oh.
00:15:35Oh.
00:15:35Oh.
00:15:36Oh.
00:15:36Don't I like that.
00:15:39Eh?
00:15:41What?
00:15:41Don't I like that.
00:15:42You put it out.
00:15:43You got it lost.
00:15:44Oh, don't be stupid.
00:15:45The light is your side.
00:15:46Olive always switching it off.
00:15:48Well, get Olive in to put it out, then.
00:15:49Oh.
00:15:52That's it.
00:15:56God blubber, your feet are freezing.
00:15:58Get them all out.
00:15:58Do you always go to bed with all that muck on your face and them curlers in your hair?
00:16:04Yeah.
00:16:04Yeah.
00:16:04What?
00:16:05In front of Arthur?
00:16:07Yeah.
00:16:07Why?
00:16:08Blimey.
00:16:09No wonder I'm not a grandmother.
00:16:11Arthur doesn't mind.
00:16:12Oh, Arthur doesn't mind.
00:16:14Oh, I forgot to kiss him goodnight.
00:16:16Oh, don't go to him, love.
00:16:18Let him come to you.
00:16:19Men only like what they have to put themselves out for.
00:16:23I don't think he'll come.
00:16:28No.
00:16:30I know, my Arthur.
00:16:31If I don't kiss him goodnight, he won't be able to sleep.
00:16:46Olive.
00:16:47Oh, oh, oh.
00:16:50Get your hand out of it.
00:16:52I'm not Olive.
00:16:53Turn over, Arthur.
00:16:57Turn over.
00:16:59You're snoring.
00:16:59Turn over.
00:17:02Turn over.
00:17:08Stop snoring.
00:17:11God bloody, turn over, will you?
00:17:17You're snoring your head, Arthur.
00:17:23You're snoring your head off.
00:17:24You sound like a stuffed pig.
00:17:25I do not snore.
00:17:26You do snore.
00:17:27I've never heard anything like it since the silence I fell off my bus.
00:17:30They should hear you, mate.
00:17:31You go...
00:17:32They should hear you, mate.
00:17:33They should hear you, mate.
00:17:34You go...
00:17:35It's not ruddy well exaggerating.
00:17:39Not ruddy exaggerating, mate.
00:17:41And then it's...
00:17:42No, no, no.
00:17:43Oh, holly, holly, holly, holly.
00:17:44Oh, holly, holly, holly.
00:17:45Your hand's all over me, mate.
00:17:47Oh, get in big.
00:17:48Give me some clothes.
00:17:49Oh.
00:17:50And turn over on your side.
00:17:51Oh, holly.
00:17:52Oh, holly.
00:17:53Oh, holly.
00:17:54Oh, holly.
00:17:55Oh, holly.
00:17:56Oh, holly.
00:17:57Oh, holly.
00:17:58Oh, holly.
00:17:59Oh, holly.
00:18:00Oh, holly.
00:18:01Oh, sleep on me back and you can lump it.
00:18:03And if you don't want to lump it, find someone else to sleep.
00:18:05I will.
00:18:06I'm going to have a kip in the kitchen.
00:18:07All right.
00:18:08Good.
00:18:09I will.
00:18:10I'm fed up with it.
00:18:12And don't tell me you've never seen a bed with anyone who snored.
00:18:15I have.
00:18:16But last time it was worthwhile.
00:18:17Oh.
00:18:18Arthur, can I come in?
00:18:20Oh, what is it?
00:18:21I can't sleep.
00:18:22So?
00:18:23Where's Dan gone?
00:18:24He's gone down the kitchen.
00:18:25It's ruddy cold down there.
00:18:26If I know him, he'll be up in a minute.
00:18:27Oh, well, I've got this ache in me, Nick.
00:18:28I want you to rub it with me mint-a-green ointment.
00:18:29I'll hit the box here somewhere.
00:18:30Oh, what is it?
00:18:31Oh, what is it?
00:18:32Arthur, can I come in?
00:18:33Arthur, can I come in?
00:18:34Oh, what is it?
00:18:35I can't sleep.
00:18:36So?
00:18:37Where's Dan gone?
00:18:38He's gone down the kitchen.
00:18:39It's ruddy cold down there.
00:18:40I suppose I'll have to put up with him.
00:18:41I can't stand this.
00:18:42Will you rub it in?
00:18:43No.
00:18:44No.
00:18:45No.
00:18:46No.
00:18:47No.
00:18:48No.
00:18:49No.
00:18:50No.
00:18:51No.
00:18:52No.
00:18:53No.
00:18:54No.
00:18:55No.
00:18:56No.
00:18:57No.
00:18:58No.
00:18:59No.
00:19:00No.
00:19:01No.
00:19:02No.
00:19:03No.
00:19:04No.
00:19:05No.
00:19:06No.
00:19:07No.
00:19:08No.
00:19:09No.
00:19:10No.
00:19:11No.
00:19:12No.
00:19:13No.
00:19:14Oh, come on, Arthur, I shan't be able to sleep unless you do.
00:19:17No.
00:19:18I'm too too.
00:19:19No.
00:19:20Oh, come on.
00:19:21No.
00:19:22No.
00:19:23No.
00:19:24No.
00:19:25No.
00:19:26No, not this time of night.
00:19:28Oh, you are rotten, you were like this when you were first married.
00:19:30No.
00:19:31No, no.
00:19:32No.
00:19:33No.
00:19:34No.
00:19:35No.
00:19:36Oh, come on, then.
00:19:37Just a minute, I'll have to put my dressing gown down.
00:20:07God blimey, once a year and it has to beat the night.
00:20:17Hello, darling.
00:20:20Come on then, slow down a bit. You've got another turnt to do.
00:20:24Yeah, I know that. God damn it. I've got a stiff neck.
00:20:28I was up all night, freezing cold in that flipping chair in the kitchen.
00:20:32Oh dear, oh dear. Here, just a bit of a rub, will you mate?
00:20:37Oh, that's lovely.
00:20:38God, you've got lovely strong fingers, Jack.
00:20:40Yeah, it comes from counting the coppers.
00:20:43Oh, yeah. Mmm. Oh, more, more, more. That's lovely, lovely, lovely.
00:20:51God, thank all the Art Moore's going today, I'll tell you that.
00:20:54I couldn't stay another night out of my bed, you know.
00:20:57How are they getting to the station?
00:20:58By cab. Oh, I told them, never getting a dog on the bus.
00:21:01It's all right, mate.
00:21:07I think you two have been working together a bit too long, don't you?
00:21:12What's the matter, you want a bit...?
00:21:18Well, you must admit, it does look a bit peculiar, doesn't it?
00:21:22Look, mate, I might be doing it to him, but I'm thinking of her.
00:21:25Can't we ever let our minds rise to higher things?
00:21:36Come on, cut it out, come on.
00:21:38Get on that bus and get it out, come on.
00:21:40Try and get it out on time this time, will you?
00:21:42All right, all right, keep the voice down.
00:21:44Oh, that's great, that is, Jack. I must admit, that's done a lot of good to mine, right?
00:21:50Yeah, I know. I'd done it to her once, you know, after the social.
00:21:53Yeah? What happened?
00:21:54Her husband hit me.
00:21:56What's that?
00:21:58Wait for me, love, wait.
00:21:59Has she gone?
00:22:00Has she gone?
00:22:01Oh, darling, come on.
00:22:03What's that? Didn't the cab come then?
00:22:06Oh, yes, the cab came. Took one look at the dog and went.
00:22:09Without us?
00:22:10Oh, he was terrible. He said we should have ordered an horse box.
00:22:15What are you doing here, anyway?
00:22:16Well, Aunt Maud will have to go to the station on the bus.
00:22:19Not with that, Hannibal.
00:22:21It wouldn't be our...
00:22:22Well, Mum, if the expector says get the dog, we get our cards.
00:22:25Well, how's she going to get to the station? It's three miles.
00:22:28Oh, put a saddle on the dog and ride it there, I don't know.
00:22:32She can't do it. She's going to miss her train.
00:22:35Well, let her get another cab and catch another train.
00:22:37Oh, but she can't. There's only one through train a day.
00:22:40Oh, well, there's only one thing for it, love.
00:22:42You'll have to stay another night.
00:22:44Oh, I don't know.
00:22:46I've got your bedclothes all nice.
00:22:48Mum, Mum, forget it, forget it. Aunt, get on the bus.
00:22:50Get on the bus, get on the bus.
00:22:51Come on, get on the bus.
00:22:52Come on, get on the bus.
00:22:53Come on, get on the bus.
00:22:54Come on, get on the bus.
00:22:55Come on, get on the bus.
00:22:56It's all right for you, mate.
00:22:57Sitting up there out of arms way, I am not having that dog nibbling at my pouch.
00:23:02It's only took a minute to the station, mate.
00:23:04I'm not having it.
00:23:05Look, on my stiff neck, think about it.
00:23:06I am not having it.
00:23:07That's final.
00:23:08That's final.
00:23:09It only leaves one thing for me to do, then, does it?
00:23:11Keep doing it, don't you?
00:23:12Ha!
00:23:13Ha!
00:23:14Ha!
00:23:15Ha!
00:23:16Ha!
00:23:17Ha!
00:23:18Ha!
00:23:19Ha!
00:23:20Ha!
00:23:21Ha!
00:23:22Ha!
00:23:23Ha!
00:23:24Ha!
00:23:25Ha!
00:23:26Ha!
00:23:27Ha!
00:23:28Ha!
00:23:29Ha!
00:23:30Ha!
00:23:31Ha!
00:23:32Ha!
00:23:33Ha!
00:25:05You know you mustn't come in.
00:25:06Why not?
00:25:07It's three o'clock.
00:25:08You shouldn't have brought me home so late.
00:25:10Well, I've got you here at ten o'clock.
00:25:12You can hang it up for the house.
00:25:14You must go, love.
00:25:16You're on the early shift.
00:25:17Not till half past five.
00:25:19I'm in condition.
00:25:20I only need a couple of hours, Kip.
00:25:22Come to think of it, I only need one.
00:25:23Come on, listen.
00:25:23Oh, you know.
00:25:25You'll be a good boy.
00:25:27All right.
00:25:28I'll see you tomorrow.
00:25:30Sure.
00:25:31All right.
00:25:32Sleep well.
00:25:33Yeah.
00:25:34Get off, Dory.
00:25:37Get off.
00:25:38I need to turn it off.
00:25:57Arthur.
00:26:00Arthur.
00:26:01Your alarm's going.
00:26:04It's not mine.
00:26:05It stands.
00:26:06Aye.
00:26:07It...
00:26:07Oh, never mind.
00:26:10Wake up.
00:26:11Oh, Arthur.
00:26:12It's only five o'clock.
00:26:17Oh.
00:26:18Shall I take my car, is that?
00:26:22I'm not trying to wake you.
00:26:24I'm trying to wake your brother.
00:26:26He switches ruddy alarm off.
00:26:28I'll murder him getting me up this time of morning.
00:26:38Wake up.
00:26:39Wake up.
00:26:41Wake up, will you?
00:26:42What's the matter with you?
00:26:44Blimey, the alarm hasn't gone off yet.
00:26:46It's only woken the old household.
00:26:49What do you put it so far away from your bed for?
00:26:51That's right against my wall.
00:26:53Well, that's a good idea.
00:26:54See, that when it goes off, then I have to get out of bed to turn it off.
00:26:58You mean I have to get out of bed and turn it off?
00:27:00It's been going on for hours.
00:27:03Blimey, I'm late then.
00:27:05David, I couldn't find him.
00:27:08Oh, Stan, haven't you gone yet?
00:27:10Well, it's only five o'clock, Mum.
00:27:12Oh, dear.
00:27:13When I heard Arthur get up, I thought he was seven, so I got up and put my teeth in.
00:27:19Here, what are you doing up two hours early?
00:27:21I got up to turn his alarm off.
00:27:23He got up so late he didn't hear it.
00:27:25Oh, Stan, when you're on an early shift, you should be in bed by ten o'clock.
00:27:29He probably was, then he had to get out again and come home.
00:27:34Have you got that kind of talk?
00:27:35And neither do I.
00:27:37Dory's not that sort of a girl.
00:27:38Anyway, I wasn't in all that late.
00:27:40What do you mean?
00:27:40Your socks are still warm.
00:27:46I'm fed up with this.
00:27:47Having to get up early every morning just because you're too tired to air the alarm.
00:27:50Your sex life is wearing me out, mate.
00:27:53What's the matter?
00:27:54You're jealous?
00:27:54It was all completely innocent, Tom.
00:27:58Yeah.
00:27:59Well, I do not think it right for a girl to keep a man in her house to three o'clock in the morning.
00:28:04It is not proper.
00:28:05Oh, no, it's not proper.
00:28:06She wouldn't let me stay any longer.
00:28:08Now, shut up.
00:28:09Let me get dressed.
00:28:10It's like, where's my shirt, Mum?
00:28:10Here's your shirt.
00:28:11Here's your shirt, Mum.
00:28:11That's a dirty one.
00:28:12I want a clean one.
00:28:12Oh, no, wouldn't it, love?
00:28:13I've got a lovely pull over here.
00:28:15Here you are, love.
00:28:16I watched it yesterday.
00:28:17Put that on.
00:28:17Let me do it for you.
00:28:18He's always moaning, this bloke.
00:28:19Well, it's always the same, love.
00:28:20You come home.
00:28:21I don't know what time it's still in the morning.
00:28:23Well, I don't...
00:28:24Watch your back on it.
00:28:27I mean, sir.
00:28:29I've got one throat.
00:28:30I'm sorry, please.
00:28:31Watch your back on the arm, though.
00:28:33Oh, dear, dear.
00:28:35Get it.
00:28:36Look.
00:28:38I haven't been here.
00:28:42Oh, love it.
00:28:43That hurt you, love it.
00:28:44I thought I was rubbing a bank.
00:28:47What's this big red mark you've got on your neck here, dear?
00:28:50Where?
00:28:51Big red mark there.
00:28:53Oh, er, that's, er, it's a nut bite.
00:28:56Oh, right.
00:28:57What did you say it was?
00:28:59It's a nut bite.
00:28:59Do you mind if I have a look?
00:29:00It's a nut bite.
00:29:01Nats do not have four front teeth and wear lipstick.
00:29:05That is a bird's bite.
00:29:07Shut up.
00:29:08Oh, don't say that girl bit ya.
00:29:10Well, how would I know?
00:29:11It was in the dark.
00:29:13Well, it's not right.
00:29:15Girls didn't bite fellas in my day.
00:29:17They didn't have as many teeth in your day.
00:29:19Now, will you stop worrying about me, Mum?
00:29:22It's all right for you, mate.
00:29:23I've now got two hours to do nothing in.
00:29:25I suppose I should just have to go back to bed.
00:29:28Arthur, I've been keeping your place warm for you.
00:29:32Aren't you coming back?
00:29:33I'm setting forks, I think I'll go downstairs and have an early breakfast.
00:29:45He's frightened of getting bitten.
00:29:48I'll see you tingle.
00:29:49I'll see you tingle.
00:29:49I'll see you tingle.
00:29:50I'll see you tingle.
00:29:51I'll see you tingle.
00:29:52I'll see you tingle.
00:29:52Good morning, Jack.
00:30:02I just made it.
00:30:03You didn't make it.
00:30:04You're late.
00:30:05I had to sign you in.
00:30:06Oh, did you?
00:30:06Oh, thanks, mate.
00:30:07You've been with that Doreen bird again, haven't you?
00:30:09Look at her.
00:30:10She's wearing you out.
00:30:12That's three mornings on a trot you've been late.
00:30:13No, I didn't hear the alarm go off.
00:30:15Oh, what's the matter?
00:30:15Doreen forgot to wind it up, did she?
00:30:17No, no, I went home.
00:30:18No, I didn't get up at all three.
00:30:20She's killing you, you lucky blighter.
00:30:23Now, look here, mate.
00:30:25There's nothing like that between me and her.
00:30:26Nothing?
00:30:27Well, when I say nothing, I mean, Doreen's not that cute.
00:30:29You can't rush it with her.
00:30:30Oh, what a load of bosh.
00:30:33I mean, take that new blonde bit in the office last week.
00:30:35I mean, I got crack in there within five minutes of her setting eyes on me.
00:30:39I don't know how I did it.
00:30:42She must have tried all her glasses.
00:30:46That's it.
00:30:46Blitzkrieg.
00:30:48Have you just arrived, have you?
00:30:50No, I've been here hours.
00:30:52I never saw you sign in.
00:30:53All right.
00:30:54Have a look, have a look.
00:31:00Your handwriting looks quite different this morning.
00:31:02Yeah, that's because he borrowed my pen.
00:31:07Signed in at 5.15, did you?
00:31:09Yeah, I've been here about, what, 20 minutes?
00:31:12Well, I never saw you.
00:31:14Nobody saw you.
00:31:15Well, I should hope not.
00:31:15I was, I was in the, what's it?
00:31:18What, 20 minutes in the bog?
00:31:21Well, on behalf of the management, may I say greetings and welcome home on your safe return.
00:31:26Get on that bus.
00:31:31Get on that bus.
00:31:32Go on.
00:31:33The pair of you.
00:31:36Here.
00:31:37Don't forget we're on the 11A this morning.
00:31:40What's that?
00:31:41We're on the 11A.
00:31:42Do you know the route?
00:31:43Of course I know the route.
00:31:44I've done it enough times, haven't I?
00:31:46I'd love it if I do it with my eyes shut.
00:31:48Now you look this morning, you probably will.
00:31:49Oh.
00:32:02Hello, Mum.
00:32:02Hello, Mum.
00:32:04Hey.
00:32:04Oh, good, you've got the grub ready.
00:32:05Yeah.
00:32:06And, Mum, you've got a clean shirt for me.
00:32:08Yes.
00:32:08I'll go straight out, I'll get tea.
00:32:10Oh, ever since you met that Doreen, you treat this place like a laundrette or a calf.
00:32:14You come in, grab your food, grab your washing and straight out again.
00:32:17Oh, no, he uses my deodorant first.
00:32:21And what time may we expect you in this evening?
00:32:24And what's that got to do with you?
00:32:26I'll tell you what it's got to do with me, mate.
00:32:28I'm not being woken up at five o'clock every morning just because you're too tired to hear your alarm.
00:32:32I need my sleep.
00:32:34I'll put in a hard day's work.
00:32:37Hard day's work, you?
00:32:39Put in cart on a British row.
00:32:42You may scoff, mate.
00:32:43You may scoff.
00:32:44Have a cup of tea anyway.
00:32:48Yes, have a cup of tea now.
00:32:50What's my clock doing down here?
00:32:52It is remaining down here.
00:32:54If you got the bit of the decent hour, you wouldn't need one.
00:32:57I mean, listen to that.
00:33:04Leave it alone.
00:33:05It's my clock.
00:33:06Trust you to buy a foreign clock.
00:33:08That's not foreign.
00:33:09Oh, yes.
00:33:10It sounded foreign to me.
00:33:11Here, play it again.
00:33:15Oh, yes.
00:33:16That's a foreign sound.
00:33:17That's not an English sound.
00:33:18It's not friendly.
00:33:20Made in Western Germany.
00:33:22Where'd you say that?
00:33:23Underneath the Union Jack, mate.
00:33:25Oh, yes.
00:33:27Yeah.
00:33:28Oh, yes.
00:33:29Ah, that's typical German efficiency, that is, mate.
00:33:32They make sure their workers get up and go to work on time, boy.
00:33:35That's why they do so well.
00:33:37What a lot of rot you do talk.
00:33:39That's not rot, mate.
00:33:40I'm telling you something.
00:33:41Those fellas have gone up, they've gone out, and they've bashed out two Volkswagens while
00:33:45you're still in bed scratching yourself.
00:33:48Yeah, well, I do not have to get up at five o'clock, and if you have to get up early,
00:33:51you might have consideration for other people and get to bed at a decent time.
00:33:54Yeah, and when I do, you keep me awake all night long.
00:33:57Eh?
00:33:57What the hell do you get up to in your room, then?
00:33:59Nothing.
00:34:03I wouldn't talk about you, love.
00:34:06That sniffing and snorting you do.
00:34:08I suppose you were referring to my deep breathing exercises.
00:34:12They happen to be highly beneficial.
00:34:14Deep breathing?
00:34:15What for?
00:34:16How'd you do that?
00:34:16To ensure a good night's sleep, mate.
00:34:18You inhale and exhale ten times to each nostril, thus.
00:34:24I'm glad you packed up.
00:34:27There's a little drive coming through your ear holes.
00:34:30Yeah, well, it works, mate.
00:34:32You should try it.
00:34:33Dread in my head, hits that pillow, I get eight hours uninterrupted sleep.
00:34:36Right, Olive?
00:34:37Yes, always.
00:34:38Nothing wakes him.
00:34:40Only his ruddy alarm.
00:34:41And I tell you something, mate.
00:34:42I need that block to get me up in the morning.
00:34:45Now then, so shut up.
00:34:47Blimey, look at the time.
00:34:48I should be late for Dory.
00:34:49I've got my clean shirt, Mum.
00:34:51Yes, love.
00:34:51It's all over there.
00:34:52Right, I'll take that.
00:34:53And I think I'll take my clean pants and vest as well and put them on.
00:35:03Clean pants and vest?
00:35:04I don't like the sound of that.
00:35:07Yesterday, he only took a clean shirt.
00:35:09Yeah.
00:35:09Well, I don't care what he gets up to outside these four walls.
00:35:12He is not waking me with that alarm clock again.
00:35:14Hope, you're not going to do anything to it, are you, love?
00:35:16I mean, look at the size of his clangers.
00:35:18Oh, you're not going to spoil Stan's clock.
00:35:23No, I'm just going to adjust it.
00:35:25Making it a little quieter, a little bit more soothing.
00:35:44Hi, Jack.
00:35:45What's that?
00:35:46Where the hell have you been?
00:35:47What do you mean, where have I been?
00:35:48I've been in bed, of course.
00:35:49You've come from that bird again, haven't you?
00:35:51Look at you, straight from the nest.
00:35:53Your feathers are all rumpled.
00:35:55I haven't.
00:35:55I tell you, I've been in bed.
00:35:56Oh, don't give me that.
00:35:58Look, I've still got my pyjamas on.
00:36:00Oh, it must be true.
00:36:01You wouldn't be wearing pyjamas if you'd been with a bird.
00:36:04Not unless you were dead fussy.
00:36:07Well, have you signed me in?
00:36:08Yeah, I told the inspector you were in the loo.
00:36:10Oh, great thinking, that mate.
00:36:11Great thinking.
00:36:12Just one thing.
00:36:13Right, look.
00:36:21What's he doing here?
00:36:22He is waiting for you to come out.
00:36:24He's been...
00:36:25God knows what he's thinking.
00:36:27You've been in there for over half an hour.
00:36:29What do you think I'm doing?
00:36:30I'm going to sit down and strike.
00:36:31You've got to get in there so that he can see you come out.
00:36:36Now, nip up the side passage and climb through the back window of the loo.
00:36:40Oh, bloody, that's a bit risky, isn't it?
00:36:41Look, Stan, if he finds out that I've been signing you on, we'll both get the bullet.
00:36:46Now, go on, don't hang about.
00:36:47Here, and when you come out, act as though you've got the gutsache.
00:36:50The way I feel, I won't be acting.
00:36:51Er, not come out yet, then, has he?
00:37:02Good bloody nose, he's doing in there, for God's sake.
00:37:05Look, I've had enough of this.
00:37:08I'd better sign on two relief crews already since he's been in there.
00:37:11Look, either he comes out and he goes sick, or he comes out and he goes to work.
00:37:14I've had enough of it.
00:37:16I'm going in to see what he's doing.
00:37:17Hang about.
00:37:18Now, as shop steward, I'm here to tell you, you are not allowed to go snooping around
00:37:22a men's convenience hounding employees.
00:37:25It's an affront against human dignity.
00:37:28He can't stay in here all the blooming morning, can he?
00:37:30I suppose he would like to fit time clocks to all the doors,
00:37:33and he could stand out here with a stopwatch and do a time check.
00:37:36Stopwatch?
00:37:37The way he's going on, mate, you could do with a calendar.
00:37:43You nasty little peeping Tom!
00:37:45I was just putting my face on, Mr. Blake, when that stand butler comes climbing in through
00:37:51the window.
00:37:52Butler, come out of there at once.
00:37:54Come on.
00:37:55Come on.
00:38:00What are you doing in it, for God's sake?
00:38:02It's a mistake.
00:38:02All a mistake, I'm telling you.
00:38:04There I was, when I saw him in the mirror.
00:38:06Now, give me a nasty turn, I can tell you.
00:38:08And when I saw you in the mirror, it didn't do me any good either.
00:38:11You cheeky lats.
00:38:13With men like him around, girl ain't safe anywhere.
00:38:16You are.
00:38:18No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:38:20Get on there, bastard.
00:38:21I'll handle him, all right.
00:38:23Go on.
00:38:23Huh.
00:38:26What are you talking about here, mate?
00:38:27This could be serious, you know.
00:38:29This is absolutely ridiculous.
00:38:30God blimey, the way she carried on, I'm not one of them mad sex crackpots, you know.
00:38:35No.
00:38:35What's that, you've got one?
00:38:39What's that, you've got one of these here?
00:38:41Oh, it's, er, my pyjamas.
00:38:45Are you kinky butler?
00:38:48Look, kinky, I'm not kinky, it's all quite innocent.
00:38:51Innocent?
00:38:52Yeah.
00:38:53What are you doing?
00:38:54Busman caught climbing through window of Clippy's Convenience wearing pyjamas.
00:39:03Wait, they read this, mate.
00:39:05You're not going to send that to the management, are you?
00:39:07No, the Sunday papers.
00:39:10Look, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what happened.
00:39:12I climbed through the window and I thought it was the men's loom.
00:39:16What, you always come through the window, do you?
00:39:17No, only this morning, because I was a little bit on the...
00:39:22Oh.
00:39:24Oh.
00:39:26I'm beginning to see what's happening now.
00:39:28You've signed him in and you've climbed through that window because you're 40 minutes late,
00:39:32aren't you?
00:39:32Eh?
00:39:33Oh, right, I overslept.
00:39:34Yeah.
00:39:35Well, I think the best thing you can do, son, is to go home and have the rest of your sleep
00:39:38out.
00:39:39What for?
00:39:40I'm giving you the rest of the day off.
00:39:41Hey, just a minute, hang about.
00:39:42You can't suspend him just like that.
00:39:44I'm not going to suspend him, son.
00:39:46No.
00:39:47You come back here at eight o'clock tonight, Butler.
00:39:50You're on night duty, son.
00:39:52Oh, blimey, you can't do that with me.
00:39:53I've got a date with a bird after work.
00:39:56What, in there?
00:39:56Look, Butler, either you're on night duty or you come up there and see the general manager.
00:40:04Well, I suppose we'd better go and do it then, Jack, that's all.
00:40:07Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not Jack, no.
00:40:09Oh, no.
00:40:10Oh, no, I'm not having him sign in here again, though.
00:40:12No, I'm not daft, mate.
00:40:13I may be silly, but I'm not daft.
00:40:15Now, look here.
00:40:17You can go on that number nine bus over there, Jackie, boy.
00:40:19It's due out in ten minutes.
00:40:20Oh, good.
00:40:21I don't have to do nights with Stan, then.
00:40:23No, you don't have to do nights with Stan, mate.
00:40:25You can do them next week.
00:40:29I'm on a lovely day today.
00:40:33Can't you tell the difference between the men and the women?
00:40:36Why don't you look through the window?
00:40:37I did.
00:40:38And then when I saw the writing on the wall, well, naturally I thought it was ours.
00:40:41You're joking, mate.
00:40:47They're worse than us.
00:40:48Go on.
00:40:50They don't have to do right, mate.
00:40:51They do drawings as well.
00:40:53There's a drawing in there.
00:40:55I haven't got time now.
00:40:55I better nip over with him, Kip.
00:40:56I'll tell you that when I'm hurt.
00:40:58I'm good, sir.
00:40:59You're not even quite lucky.
00:41:06Shh.
00:41:07It's not six o'clock yet.
00:41:09You wake Stan.
00:41:10You must have a good day's sleep.
00:41:12I keep forgetting.
00:41:14Yes.
00:41:14Oh, shh.
00:41:16Eve, you wake him.
00:41:18No.
00:41:19Oh, don't clump about like that.
00:41:22Take your shoes off.
00:41:23I have taken my shoes off.
00:41:26Oh, well, I suppose you've just got blooming heavy feet.
00:41:30What?
00:41:31Hold it.
00:41:32Oh.
00:41:33Ah!
00:41:33What do you leave your shoes lying around in the hole for?
00:41:39I nearly killed myself.
00:41:41Shh.
00:41:41Don't you shush me.
00:41:43How typically are you leaving stuff about?
00:41:44Shh.
00:41:45Don't make so much noise.
00:41:46What are you all whispering about?
00:41:48Have you got laryngitis or something?
00:41:49Shh.
00:41:50But, Stan, he's asleep.
00:41:52Asleep?
00:41:53Sleep.
00:41:54Yes, he's on the night shift.
00:41:56Night?
00:41:57Ha-ha.
00:42:00Well, that ought to suit him.
00:42:01Lately, he's been working harder at nights and he has done during the day.
00:42:05At least I can watch my television in peace tonight.
00:42:08Oh, shh.
00:42:09Don't switch on the telly.
00:42:10He's bound to hear it.
00:42:12All right, so I'll shut the door.
00:42:13Oh, that's a good idea.
00:42:14Ouch!
00:42:26What's kicking up all this?
00:42:27Oh, you, is it?
00:42:28Turn that bloody roof off.
00:42:29Oh, shh.
00:42:30What do you think you're doing?
00:42:31Listen, mate, I want to get some kipping.
00:42:33I've only got two hours.
00:42:34You've got me up two hours early, mate.
00:42:35Well, that's fair enough.
00:42:35That's what you've been doing to me every day this week.
00:42:37Oh, look, love, you can watch the telly later.
00:42:40What, I miss my wrestling.
00:42:41Why should these night shift interfere with my pleasure?
00:42:43Because it interfere with my pleasure.
00:42:45If I don't get my sleep, I won't be able to wrestle with my daughter, will I?
00:42:48Now, keep quiet, let me get some kipping.
00:42:49All right, love, I'll see to it.
00:42:51Here, have a nice quiet read of the paper, dear.
00:42:55That's it.
00:42:56I'll try not to rustle it.
00:42:57It might wake his lordship.
00:42:59Oh, I'll make you some tea, Arthur.
00:43:00Would you like a nice fried egg?
00:43:02Yeah, that's a good idea.
00:43:03Careful how he cracked the egg.
00:43:05Don't make too much noise.
00:43:07She wouldn't do that, love.
00:43:09Maybe last time she cracked one, she broke the basin.
00:43:11Oh, hello, Mrs. B.
00:43:16I've just come round to see Stan.
00:43:17Yes.
00:43:18Oh, bloody, what's all around now?
00:43:20Oh, it's you, is it?
00:43:21Oh, you're up.
00:43:22I thought you might still be asleep.
00:43:23Asleep?
00:43:23What, in this house?
00:43:24They make enough noise here to wake the dead, mate.
00:43:26Here, do you manage to get in touch with Doreen?
00:43:28Oh, she hasn't finished till nine o'clock, does she?
00:43:30This is murder, this is.
00:43:31Here, I'll tell her what you do.
00:43:32Nip round on your bike tonight.
00:43:34Tell her I won't be able to see her, will you?
00:43:35Yeah, OK.
00:43:36Yeah, 14 Villiers Road she lives.
00:43:37Tell her I'll see her sometime tomorrow.
00:43:38Yeah, sure.
00:43:39Fed up with us.
00:43:40She's working all day long and I'm working all night.
00:43:42Oh, well, never mind, love.
00:43:44It's only for a few weeks.
00:43:45You know, when the war was on, your dad was on night shift for five years.
00:43:51We both worked in the same factory.
00:43:53The only time we saw each other was in the air raid shelter.
00:43:56And, you know, if it hadn't been for the German bombers,
00:43:59Olive might never have been born.
00:44:01Oh!
00:44:02Did you hear that, Arthur?
00:44:04Yeah.
00:44:05It and I had a lot to answer for, didn't I?
00:44:07Oh, there's your egg on, love.
00:44:13Yeah, just lightly boil it this morning, will you, ma?
00:44:16I'm feeling a little queasy.
00:44:18Right, oh, love.
00:44:19Oh, there's Stan.
00:44:20I wonder how he got on.
00:44:23Morning, Mum.
00:44:24Hello, love.
00:44:25Ah, all that night work gets me out of my time.
00:44:28Yes.
00:44:28You got me grub, right, Ian?
00:44:30Oh, lovely, all hot.
00:44:31I'm keeping it in the oven.
00:44:32Ah, lovely.
00:44:34How's it going, Arthur, mate?
00:44:37Did you have a nice, uh, hard night's kit, mate, ready for hard day's work?
00:44:41Do you mind not being so hearty?
00:44:43I'm not my best in the morning.
00:44:44Now, that comes from looking in the shaving mirror, mate.
00:44:47There's your boiled egg.
00:44:49And there's your dinner stand.
00:44:51Oh, look at that.
00:44:53Steak and kidney pudding, Arthur, mate.
00:44:55My favourite.
00:44:56Boy, am I going to do that justice, Mum?
00:44:58Yes.
00:44:58You do not intend eating that this time of the morning, I hope?
00:45:01Of course I do.
00:45:01I have a good nush-up, don't I, after I've finished work?
00:45:04Nice cup of tea, love?
00:45:05Oh, Mum, no, you should know better than that.
00:45:07Cup of tea?
00:45:08What with steak and kidney pudding?
00:45:09Oh, no, no.
00:45:10Oh, what are you going to get?
00:45:11What are you getting now?
00:45:12I don't know.
00:45:13He is a boy, you know.
00:45:15Now, I'm going to have a nice glass of stout, wouldn't it?
00:45:17Stout?
00:45:17Here's your fancy one, mate.
00:45:21Oh, thank you.
00:45:21You put me off my tea.
00:45:23I'll put a nice hot water bottle in your bed, love.
00:45:26Oh, don't worry about that, Mum.
00:45:27I'm going straight out after I've had my grub.
00:45:29Going, eh?
00:45:30Yeah, I'm going to try and catch Dory before she goes to work.
00:45:33But, love, it's half past seven in the morning.
00:45:36She might still be in bed.
00:45:37That's what he's hoping.
00:45:40Oh, Stan, it's not decent.
00:45:43Going to a girl's house at that hour in the morning.
00:45:46Oh, no, but it's different than when Dad was on night work, isn't it?
00:45:49Eh?
00:45:49Well, we haven't got air raid shelter.
00:45:52Oh, Stan.
00:45:54Are you on a night?
00:46:04Oh, hello.
00:46:05Oh, er.
00:46:09We, er, we thought you were the milkman.
00:46:12Did you?
00:46:12What are you doing here?
00:46:16Oh, well, er, you know that message you asked me to bring round?
00:46:19Well, I couldn't get round last night, so I popped round this morning.
00:46:22Oh, I see.
00:46:23Darling!
00:46:25Yeah, I'm coming, love.
00:46:26Er, not you.
00:46:27She means me.
00:46:28Hurry up, sweetheart.
00:46:29I've got our breakfast ready.
00:46:33Breakfast?
00:46:35Oh, I get it.
00:46:36Er, er, now, now, Stan, don't get excited.
00:46:38Er, we don't get excited, mate.
00:46:39We're mates, aren't we?
00:46:41Oh, yeah.
00:46:41Oh, I mean, think of the number of times I've signed you in.
00:46:44And now you've signed yourself in.
00:46:47Jackie, darling, I think you ought to get yourself an extra couple of pints.
00:46:54Extra couple of pints?
00:46:56Because I suppose you need the extra energy.
00:46:59Ah, get inside, Jackie, darling.
00:47:01Your breakfast is getting cold.
00:47:02Nah.
00:47:04My drivers are always right.
00:47:05They always say, never trust your conductor, mate.
00:47:07Sorry, Stan, mate.
00:47:08But it's not my fault if you're too slow on the accelerator, is it?
00:47:12Eh?
00:47:16Marvellous, isn't it, eh?
00:47:17I do all the driving, and he comes along and collects the fare.
00:48:20It's all right. Two weeks in Spain. All go and collect your tickets today. Great stuff.
00:48:41You're not going on, are you?
00:48:43Of course I am. Two gorgeous weeks in sunny Spain, mate.
00:48:46How do you know you're going to like it in Spain anyway?
00:48:48Because you're going to be back here in England.
00:48:50Hey, Jack. See this, mate? The tickets have arrived, boy.
00:48:53Oh, I can hardly wait. Bert was telling me the birds are knee-deep on the beaches.
00:48:59Oh, just think they're lying there now in the sun waiting for us.
00:49:02And in three days' ride, they'll just be ripe.
00:49:05Yeah, just like melons. You have to squeeze them to see if they're ready.
00:49:09You two weak-kneed, washed-out Romeos. You think beautiful girls are going to bother with you two?
00:49:16Not unless the sun's driven them delirious first.
00:49:18Don't you worry, mate. We've got a good gimmick.
00:49:20Don't we, Jack? Show him. Show him.
00:49:21Yeah, how about that?
00:49:22A camera?
00:49:23What's good setting?
00:49:24Listen, mate, this is a special one.
00:49:26I borrowed it off Bert.
00:49:27You get the picture straight away.
00:49:28See, just pull it out of the back there like that.
00:49:30Birds fall for it, you see.
00:49:31They think we're a couple of these photographers from Chelsea, you see.
00:49:33I pose them.
00:49:34He snaps them.
00:49:36The girls in Spain are never going to fault with that old guff.
00:49:39They're done about Spain, mate. They fell for it for a wet weekend in Yarmouth last year.
00:49:43Come on, miss. We're organised.
00:49:45Yeah, I'll tell you.
00:49:46I'll tell you something, look. I've got the tape measure.
00:49:49He's got the camera.
00:49:50Yeah.
00:49:51Tape measure?
00:49:51Yeah.
00:49:52You didn't mean to tell me the girls are going to fault with that.
00:49:55They think we're going to put their pictures on the front of the magazines.
00:49:59Magazine?
00:50:01Busman's Gazette?
00:50:02Listen, mate. As soon as the birds know they're going to be photographed, they start stripping off.
00:50:07They do, yeah. Yeah.
00:50:09Disgusting.
00:50:09Yeah, that's the beauty of it.
00:50:12Hey, Eileen, darling, do you want your picture taken?
00:50:14What, now?
00:50:15Yeah. Yeah, it's one of them new cameras.
00:50:17A couple of seconds and you can see the picture.
00:50:19Oh, yeah. I've heard about them.
00:50:21All right.
00:50:22Yeah, all right.
00:50:23Just a minute. Must take me jacket off.
00:50:25What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
00:50:26Hey, give me another half hour, mate.
00:50:28They're standing here in the ticket machine.
00:50:29Yeah, well, you'd better measure the focus, Stan.
00:50:35Oh, I thought...
00:50:35Yes, I'd better. Would you hold it, then?
00:50:37I'll hold it, then.
00:50:38Where shall we take it to, then, Jack?
00:50:39Well, which bit do we want in sharpest focus, then?
00:50:42Well, I don't know yet, really.
00:50:44I, um...
00:50:45Well, measure it...
00:50:47I'll tell you what, Stanley.
00:50:52Measure it to the nearest point, then.
00:50:57Perhaps on second thoughts,
00:50:58we'd better measure it to the second nearest point.
00:51:00I know.
00:51:01How's that?
00:51:02Uh, 63.
00:51:02That's lovely.
00:51:03Thank you very much.
00:51:04Right.
00:51:04Hold that, darling.
00:51:05That's lovely.
00:51:06There we go.
00:51:07Can I see it now?
00:51:08Oh, it just takes a few seconds to develop, love.
00:51:10Oh.
00:51:10Oh, well, I'll go and get me away, Bill, then.
00:51:12I'll be back.
00:51:14Yes, but that tape measure
00:51:16only measures the distance of your subject.
00:51:18I mean, what about the distance on the camera,
00:51:20this distance finder?
00:51:22He ain't got one.
00:51:24It's got a fixed focus.
00:51:26I just got an idea, you see?
00:51:28You're depraved, a pair of you.
00:51:31Oh, now, Stan, look at that, mate.
00:51:34Hey, what?
00:51:34Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
00:51:40Hey, hey!
00:51:41We can see what your minds was on, can't we?
00:51:44Yeah!
00:51:45Well, you've got to admit, it was in focus.
00:51:47Well, that one is, anyway.
00:51:50Two lazy, literous layabouts.
00:51:52Decent girls ain't safe with a pair of you about.
00:51:54We don't only take birds, we take fellas as well, don't we?
00:51:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:51:58Hey, I'll tell you what.
00:51:59We'll do you a favour, we'll take one of you, huh, Zach?
00:52:01Yeah.
00:52:02It's an idea, yes.
00:52:03I could send one to me old mother.
00:52:06She's never had one of me taken in my uniform in the depo before.
00:52:08Yeah, that's understandable.
00:52:10Yeah, all right, then.
00:52:11Well, we'd better take him side face, I think.
00:52:13All right, I'll get you.
00:52:14Stand in, just run it, there.
00:52:15That's it, run it, run it.
00:52:17Well, which is his best side?
00:52:19Well, hang on a minute.
00:52:21Blimey, you ain't got one.
00:52:24Now, stop mucking me about.
00:52:25Are you going to take the picture or not?
00:52:26We're trying to find...
00:52:27What?
00:52:28What?
00:52:28What?
00:52:29Ah, yeah.
00:52:30Marvellous idea, Jack.
00:52:31You, with the bus in the background.
00:52:32Ah, the bus in the background.
00:52:33I thought you'd like that.
00:52:35I thought you'd like that.
00:52:36Yes, yes, yeah.
00:52:38There's a bit to be left.
00:52:39A bit to be right there.
00:52:40All right, boy.
00:52:41Oh, that's lovely.
00:52:43Lovely.
00:52:44Now, smile a bit, Blakey.
00:52:46Come on.
00:52:47I am smiling.
00:52:50Say cheese.
00:52:51Cheese?
00:52:52No, no, you'll have to do it more than that.
00:52:54Don't show up on a small picture, see?
00:52:55Look, look, lift your top lip up and show up.
00:52:58Because you've got nice choppers.
00:52:59Yeah, a bit more.
00:53:00That's it, that's it.
00:53:02That's it, mate.
00:53:04I'm not ready yet.
00:53:04Now, hang about.
00:53:06I'll show it to you.
00:53:07Here, you two, I've got your holiday tickets.
00:53:08You've got a sign for them.
00:53:09Oh, good.
00:53:10There we are.
00:53:10Right, lovely, lovely, lovely.
00:53:12Do you know what?
00:53:13I might take my snorkel and me underwater flippers, Jack.
00:53:15Yeah, I think I'll pack my water wings.
00:53:17Well, you can take your deep-sea diving kit for all I care,
00:53:20but don't forget, only £33 of baggage are allowed.
00:53:22Is that all?
00:53:23That's all.
00:53:23Well, that means that if we're over the top, we've got to pay.
00:53:25Yeah, yeah, it's all there in the envelope,
00:53:27and about the plane, the hotel, everything.
00:53:28And don't forget, Coach Cleves here, 10 o'clock, Saturday night.
00:53:31All right, love that.
00:53:32Fine, okay.
00:53:32Thanks, Nobby.
00:53:33See you later.
00:53:33All right, mate.
00:53:34Yeah, all right.
00:53:34Oh, Blakey boy.
00:53:36Oh, those beautiful birds in Spain.
00:53:39You know, I feel sorry for them, really.
00:53:41I mean, there's so many of them, and there's only one of me.
00:53:44Still, I'll do my best to spread myself round a bit.
00:53:46Yeah.
00:53:47Never mind about thinking about picking beautiful young girls up off the beach.
00:53:51Get in that bus over there and think about picking up some ugly old girls in the high street.
00:53:56Go on, then.
00:53:57Get in the bus.
00:53:58You're late.
00:53:58All right, we take it you don't want to see your picture, then.
00:54:00Oh, is it, er, it's finished, is it?
00:54:02Yeah.
00:54:03Oh, Stanley, now, that is a very good light.
00:54:11That is a marvellous picture.
00:54:13That's very, very good indeed.
00:54:14Is it like me, is it?
00:54:16Oh, yeah.
00:54:16You think me mother would recognise me?
00:54:18Oh, definitely.
00:54:20Oh, definitely.
00:54:20Well, that's nothing like me at all.
00:54:26That's not me, is it?
00:54:28It must be.
00:54:28It says so on the side.
00:54:29Have a row out for tickets.
00:54:45Have a row out.
00:54:46Oh, two gorgeous weeks in sunny Spain.
00:54:48Oh, and he lucky Arthur.
00:54:50Getting away from this terrible weather.
00:54:52I don't really see the point.
00:54:53He'll probably catch pneumonia when he gets up.
00:54:55Oh, shut up.
00:54:55All right, what do you want to go to Spain for, anyway?
00:54:58Because it's different.
00:54:58It's got a different sort of an atmosphere, that's why.
00:55:00It certainly has with air plumbing.
00:55:03How would you know?
00:55:04Blimey, you and her only go to Lowestoft every year.
00:55:06Oh, it's very nice, Stan.
00:55:08They have lovely bloaters.
00:55:11Oh, yes, it has happy memories for them, love.
00:55:13They went there on their honeymoon.
00:55:15I've never been able to look a bloater in her face since.
00:55:19Ah, it's a lovely place when you're newly married.
00:55:22I remember it well.
00:55:24Did you go there on your honeymoon?
00:55:25Oh, she came with us on ours.
00:55:28It's a shame it's so expensive, love.
00:55:31Otherwise, I'd have come to Spain with you.
00:55:32Yeah, yeah, it is, but doesn't make any difference.
00:55:35It wouldn't suit you now, Mum.
00:55:37No, you save it up for his honeymoon.
00:55:38Oh.
00:55:39Only thing that's wrong with Lowestoft is generally it's too cold for me to wear my bikini.
00:55:44Yeah, well, of course, that is one of the advances of going.
00:55:47Oh, well, the food's British anyway, and you don't get upset like you do in Spain.
00:55:52Oh, I must pop down to the chemist to get your pills.
00:55:54I don't want any pills.
00:55:56Of course you do, in case you get the collywobbles.
00:55:59Oh, there's the front door.
00:56:01Oh, that'll be Jack.
00:56:02Olive, let him in, will you, love?
00:56:03Oh, Jack?
00:56:04Yeah.
00:56:05Oh, I'm worried about you going with Jack.
00:56:08Here, you won't get up to any mischief, will you, love?
00:56:10I'm going to assure you, we're just going up for a few arrests.
00:56:14Ah, hello, this is me.
00:56:15Oh, hello, Arthur.
00:56:16Can I see you, dear?
00:56:17No, thanks, I've just had one here, and I've got some smashing gear for the beach for us to impress the birds.
00:56:23Hey, birds?
00:56:24I thought you were going for a rest.
00:56:26Er, what he meant was, er, he's got a bit of gear to make us look smart.
00:56:29Oh, yes, that's all right.
00:56:30How about those?
00:56:30Hi!
00:56:32What?
00:56:33You can't win.
00:56:34That is not decent.
00:56:36It's all right.
00:56:37Yeah.
00:56:37It's all right.
00:56:38You can go in the water for them and all.
00:56:39Oh.
00:56:40Well, I hope they're shrink-proof.
00:56:41I mean, that can be very embarrassing.
00:56:45It could be very painful, too.
00:56:47Oh, well, you won't be able to go on the beach, not in them things, for only five minutes the first day.
00:56:53I read all about Spain.
00:56:55You go red, and our family got such delicate skins, love.
00:56:58Oh, yes.
00:56:59Remember that first time at Lowestoft when I got so sunburnt on the first day, Arthur?
00:57:03I was so sore for the rest of our stay, I couldn't bear Arthur to touch me.
00:57:08I remember that.
00:57:09Yeah, it was a very good holiday.
00:57:11Now, you won't be able to go on the beach, not in the first week, not with those things on.
00:57:17No, perhaps the old girl's right.
00:57:18Oh, I've got plenty.
00:57:20I've got them cheap for the job, look.
00:57:21Here I am.
00:57:21Oh, that's all right.
00:57:23Oh, now, that's better.
00:57:24Look at that.
00:57:25You can go sunbathing in there.
00:57:26Yeah.
00:57:26Yes.
00:57:27Look at that, see?
00:57:28It's a pity we can't get a bit of sunbathing in before we go.
00:57:31We'll give ourselves a bit of a start, you know?
00:57:33Oh, yeah, it'd be lovely to turn up all nice and sunburned for the birds, wouldn't it?
00:57:36I can see it all now.
00:57:38You two wandering around them Spanish beaches looking like a couple of randy lobsters.
00:57:42I don't like that sort of talk.
00:57:45Nor me.
00:57:46We may be randy, but we won't look like lobsters.
00:57:49Stand!
00:57:49Oh!
00:57:54It's a bit of a sun-tandation, isn't it?
00:58:07Yeah.
00:58:09I could give you a quick rub down with some days and all, if you like.
00:58:14Can I get him brown?
00:58:16You're not, but your goose pimples are.
00:58:19Yeah, it's a bit nippy, isn't it?
00:58:21Shall we turn it in?
00:58:22Oh, it's still got five minutes left.
00:58:25Yeah, all right then.
00:58:25Oh, blimey, it's a bit of luck.
00:58:55We might as well turn it in.
00:58:57I mean, we don't want to overdo it, do we?
00:58:59Nah.
00:58:59All right, come on.
00:59:00Oh, yeah.
00:59:14Oh, Jack.
00:59:15Yeah?
00:59:16See my clothes?
00:59:17No, I never touched them.
00:59:19I can't be telling them.
00:59:23You sure?
00:59:24What?
00:59:25Here.
00:59:28I reckon somebody's pitched them.
00:59:33I've got mine, all right.
00:59:34Well, talk about and pull up the ladder, Jack.
00:59:36Well, I haven't.
00:59:37Where's mine?
00:59:37Where are they?
00:59:38Well, fancy leaving them now, you stupid nit.
00:59:41I mean, that's asking for trouble, isn't it?
00:59:43Well, if you don't shut your gob, you'll be asking for trouble.
00:59:45Well, if somebody's pitched you clothes, you'll just have to go back like that, won't you?
00:59:48I can't drive through town like this, mate.
00:59:50I'm a bus driver, not Lady Kediva.
00:59:54I don't know what you're worried about.
00:59:56She got away with it.
00:59:57Well, I'm not waiting here for my hair to grow.
00:59:58What are you doing?
01:00:05I've told you, get in that cab.
01:00:07Look, I'm not driving the bus through the town like this.
01:00:10Look, mate, we are seven minutes late.
01:00:13Get in.
01:00:14What do I say if a cop has stopped me?
01:00:16Well, tell him it's the bus company's latest gimmick.
01:00:18Topless drivers.
01:00:20Any more cracks like that, and you will be a toothless conductor.
01:00:24I'm telling you, I'm not driving through the town like this.
01:00:31Late again, butler.
01:00:32What excuse is it this time, eh?
01:00:35Well, we had a bit of an old up with the cemetery gates.
01:00:39Cemetery gates?
01:00:42You know I've come out with some strokes, mate.
01:00:45At cemetery gates, nothing ever happens at that dead and alive hole.
01:00:48Come on, get out.
01:00:49Eh?
01:00:49Eh?
01:00:49Look, you've started your holidays a bit earlier or something.
01:01:13This is a city bus depot, mate, not the Costa Braver.
01:01:17It gets a bit hot in that cab, see?
01:01:19What in the cab?
01:01:20You know the regulations, butler.
01:01:22Busmen are not allowed to remove their trousers whilst on duty.
01:01:26Gets a bit hot.
01:01:27I suppose every time it gets a bit hot, you'll whip your trousers off, do you?
01:01:30I've read about blokes like you in the Sunday papers, mate.
01:01:33No, just a minute.
01:01:34Don't intimidate him.
01:01:35As shop steward, I'm here to tell you, he is within his rights.
01:01:38In his rights?
01:01:40What rights he got to take his trousers off?
01:01:43I'm sorry, Ollie.
01:01:44I can't overlook this, mate, no.
01:01:45Look, just take a look at him.
01:01:47Look, ghastly, horrible, disgusting sight it is, look.
01:01:50Well, if I'd have known you'd have felt like that, I'd have given me legs a rub down with
01:01:53emery paper.
01:01:55I'm sorry, I can't overlook this, son.
01:01:57No, you can't go around wearing what you like, you know.
01:01:59Why, you let them Indians wear their turbans?
01:02:01That is for their religion.
01:02:04Well, I'm dressed like this because of my religion.
01:02:08Yeah, it's one of them gurus.
01:02:11Am I?
01:02:14Oh, Richie Butler.
01:02:17Richie Butler.
01:02:18I suppose he's sitting in that cab up there, contemplating his navel at the traffic lights,
01:02:24waiting to see it go from red to green.
01:02:30Get them trousers on quick.
01:02:32I can't.
01:02:33I can't, I tell you.
01:02:35Well, all right, I'll tell you the truth.
01:02:37We was doing a bit of sunbathing down the cemetery and, and, er, they got nicked.
01:02:42Sunbathing?
01:02:43And you, you just took your trousers off?
01:02:46Takes all sorts, I suppose.
01:02:48Look, look, can't you see the length of the sleeves and the coat?
01:02:51This is not my coat, not my pullover.
01:02:53They belong to Jack here.
01:02:55They nicked all my uniform.
01:02:57I'm afraid I'll have to report that to the management.
01:03:00What?
01:03:00Oh, you'll have to pay for that, you know that, don't you?
01:03:02Yes, oh, they'll probably stop that out of your, your bonus money.
01:03:05Oh, no, turn it in, Blakey.
01:03:06You played a white man, mate.
01:03:08No, I need that money.
01:03:08I'm going on me on a dish tonight.
01:03:10Well, look, couldn't you just say it was damaged in an accident or something?
01:03:13Yeah, yeah.
01:03:14I could, but I'm not going to.
01:03:16No, we've all got our job to do, mate.
01:03:18You'd better go up to the stores and get yourself a new uniform.
01:03:21Blimey, the way you carry on,
01:03:22you wouldn't think it was my uniform they nicked.
01:03:24You'd think it was the bus.
01:03:26Nothing would surprise me about you, mate.
01:03:29As a matter of fact, perhaps I'd better go around and see if this is a bus you went out with.
01:03:36Shut your face.
01:03:47That's, uh, two vests, six ounces.
01:03:51All right.
01:03:51Evening, all.
01:03:56Evening.
01:03:57Hello.
01:03:57What the hell are you up to?
01:03:59Shh, shh, shh.
01:04:00Eight and a half ounces of pants.
01:04:02You've gone potty all the time.
01:04:04No, I've not gone potty, mate.
01:04:05Somebody nicked my uniform.
01:04:07They've stopped it out of me boners.
01:04:09I'm only allowed 33 pounds of weight,
01:04:11so I've got to weigh everything,
01:04:12to make sure I don't go over the top.
01:04:14Ah, now, socks.
01:04:1712 ounces of socks.
01:04:19Blimey, that's a lot of socks, ain't it?
01:04:21Cut that down.
01:04:21No, I'll tell you what I'll do.
01:04:22I'll have two ounces of socks
01:04:24and eight ounces of soap flakes.
01:04:28I've got these here for you special.
01:04:29Shall I put them in the case?
01:04:30No, no, you've got to weigh them first, Mum.
01:04:31Oh, right-o, lad.
01:04:32Right.
01:04:32There we are.
01:04:33Four pounds, two ounces.
01:04:35Four pounds, two...
01:04:36Blimey, what's in there, then?
01:04:37Well, that's all your medicines for your stomach.
01:04:41You must be potty, aren't I?
01:04:43I haven't got stomach trouble.
01:04:44You won't do it, get there.
01:04:46There's no health service in Spain, love.
01:04:48You haven't got any money to pop down to the chemist
01:04:50or go and see the doctor.
01:04:51You're right.
01:04:52OK.
01:04:53You are.
01:04:53Right.
01:04:54What's this box of pills?
01:04:55That's your enteric violet tablets.
01:04:5824.
01:04:59Well, let's stop you getting the collywobbles.
01:05:02And this...
01:05:03God blimey, what's this big bottle of medicine for?
01:05:05Well, that's in case the pills don't.
01:05:08That's your coaline mixture.
01:05:11Well, how will I know these are not working?
01:05:13You'll soon find out, mate.
01:05:16I want to wrap some of these things up
01:05:18because I'll tell you what,
01:05:19I don't want them to get broken.
01:05:20There's one there.
01:05:21Hang on to that.
01:05:22Well, I'll just wrap them in the paper
01:05:23because if you don't get the plenty of paper around them,
01:05:26they'll get broken.
01:05:27And I don't want these things to get broken.
01:05:28This is ridiculous.
01:05:29I'm taking more newspaper and I'm close.
01:05:32You haven't laid your shoes, Stan.
01:05:33Oh, you are, love.
01:05:34There they are.
01:05:35Now, there.
01:05:36One, one, nine ounces.
01:05:39Nine ounces.
01:05:41Two, one pound, two ounces.
01:05:43One pound, two ounces.
01:05:44Wait a minute.
01:05:45How come one shoe weigh more than the other?
01:05:47Have you stepped in something with that one?
01:05:51Wait a minute.
01:05:53Oh.
01:05:53God, no.
01:05:54I mean, what's all this in here, then?
01:05:55Oh, that's your shoe polish.
01:05:57Brown, black and white.
01:05:59Three tins of boot polish?
01:06:00Yes.
01:06:01Blubber your money, take the one pair of shoes and they're suede.
01:06:04Oh.
01:06:05Sorry, love.
01:06:06All right, Olive, add all that lot up.
01:06:08See what it is.
01:06:08See what it comes down to you.
01:06:09Now, let me see.
01:06:10If I had 410 pounds of potatoes and I...
01:06:13Yeah, if you had 410...
01:06:14Hang on, hang on.
01:06:15What are you talking about, potatoes?
01:06:16I'm not packing potatoes.
01:06:18Well, at school, we always did pounds and ounces like that.
01:06:21I can only do it in potatoes.
01:06:22I'll give it here.
01:06:23Oh, I'll leave.
01:06:24If you leave it here, you'll get the answer in furlongs.
01:06:30Divide by 16.
01:06:3132 pound, one ounce.
01:06:33That means you've got 15 ounces left.
01:06:3515 ounces?
01:06:36I've got all this lot to go in yet.
01:06:37Well, you just can't take everything, can you?
01:06:39I mean, what's...
01:06:40Oh, blimey.
01:06:42Male talp by Prince Igor of Paris.
01:06:44Yeah, come on.
01:06:45The masculine talp the women adore.
01:06:49Feel the smoothness of your skin.
01:06:52Also has deo...
01:06:53Well, there's 12 ounces of deodorant for a start.
01:06:58That's me shirt.
01:06:59Oh, lovely, isn't it, eh?
01:07:01Always wear that half a seat when I take the bird out.
01:07:02That's it.
01:07:03Wait at one.
01:07:04God blimey, 12 ounces.
01:07:05Oh.
01:07:06Now, take that off.
01:07:07I might as well take the deodorant.
01:07:09Because if I don't take the deodorant,
01:07:10I might not have a bird to take out.
01:07:12Oh, Steve.
01:07:13Hey, you're not what I can do.
01:07:14I can take out one of these bottles of medicine.
01:07:16I'm not going to put the shirt in.
01:07:17No, love, love, you must have a drink of that every day.
01:07:20I know.
01:07:20Well, why don't we put one of these
01:07:22in the pocket of your raincoat?
01:07:24Yeah, they don't want your clothes you wear, do they?
01:07:26No, they don't.
01:07:27Yeah, and all those tins of gruffling go in there.
01:07:29Of course, they're all go in there.
01:07:29You're never going to get all these sweaters and things in, are you?
01:07:32The sweaters?
01:07:32Now, I'll tell you what, Arthur.
01:07:34I can wear those under the raincoat.
01:07:35Yes, come on.
01:07:36What about these packets of tea?
01:07:37What are you taking tea for?
01:07:39Well, Mrs. Harding said that the tea in Spain
01:07:41is like hot water with a suntan.
01:07:43And three bob a cup.
01:07:45So...
01:07:45Well, they're not going to give you boiling water
01:07:48to make your own tea, are they?
01:07:49Hang on.
01:07:50What?
01:07:50Where are you going?
01:07:51Here.
01:07:52Your little picnic set.
01:07:54Oh, blood, I'll take care of that.
01:07:55I can't do it.
01:07:56That's the fucking club.
01:07:57Here we are.
01:07:58That's fine, isn't it?
01:08:00They'll never see that.
01:08:01Well, all right, all right, pack up now.
01:08:02I think I've got enough now.
01:08:03I think I've got just about 33 pounds.
01:08:05All right, I don't want to go over the top, sir.
01:08:07No, you don't.
01:08:07I've been fishing.
01:08:08Put it down.
01:08:09You've been what?
01:08:10Just stop thinking, I'll give us a hand for this cake.
01:08:11I've had a fork, mate.
01:08:12No, look, don't say that.
01:08:13All right, mate, God's sake, give us a hand to shut the case.
01:08:16All right, all right, all right.
01:08:17Come and give him a hand.
01:08:18Blimey, I've got to be there at 10 o'clock, ain't I?
01:08:20Oh, blimey, he'll never get the case.
01:08:21He'll never get a spain in this thing.
01:08:23How?
01:08:25God, blimey, I want anything to sit on that, to shut that.
01:08:27I'll leave it to sit on the case.
01:08:32All right.
01:08:32All right.
01:08:33There you go, love.
01:08:34That's it.
01:08:34Oh, get off, get me!
01:08:36Oh, my fingers in there!
01:08:44Go on.
01:08:45Right, now, take your time.
01:08:46I'll tell you what to get on.
01:08:47All right.
01:08:47Now sit on it.
01:08:48Sit.
01:08:48That's it.
01:08:49Ah, that's it.
01:08:50I can't get my hand out from money.
01:08:51I'll kill her.
01:08:53Yeah, that's it.
01:08:54That's it.
01:08:55That's it.
01:08:55Right.
01:08:55There you are.
01:08:56Now, honey, what was you saying, Arthur?
01:08:58Well, I was thinking.
01:08:59You're only allowed to take £33, right?
01:09:01That's right.
01:09:01That's right.
01:09:01I wait so carefully so I didn't go over the top seat.
01:09:04Yeah.
01:09:04Haven't you forgotten, Sammy?
01:09:06No, what?
01:09:06What?
01:09:07You didn't wait a case.
01:09:09Oh, no.
01:09:10Why didn't you say something in the first place to be?
01:09:12Because you told me to shut up, didn't you?
01:09:14Oh, please, Dan.
01:09:14Come on, Arthur.
01:09:15Don't stand it.
01:09:16I've all taken cumbers.
01:09:20All right.
01:09:21Hello, love.
01:09:24Go on, Blakey.
01:09:25I thought I'd be glad to see the back of you, I tell you.
01:09:28Is he taking your baby on a tour like this?
01:09:29Yeah, especially when he's on his honeymoon, eh?
01:09:31Yeah.
01:09:34Has Stan arrived, Jeff?
01:09:35I don't know.
01:09:37God almighty, look at that.
01:09:39Come on, Butler.
01:09:47Is that your holiday deal, is it?
01:09:50Don't you always travel like that, do you?
01:09:52I think I'd prefer doing your knickers, mate.
01:09:58Here, Stan, you've forgotten the kitchen sink.
01:10:01What's all that, then?
01:10:03Well, you see, I couldn't afford any excess baggage, so I've got it all on me.
01:10:07I've even got my flippers on me.
01:10:08I've got it on off under the collar, I'm not joking.
01:10:13Well, take your raincoat off, then.
01:10:15What are you talking about?
01:10:16It took three quarters when I was out and get it on.
01:10:18Darling, mate, if all the other passengers are like you, the plane will never get off the ground.
01:10:22Oh, Stan, have you got your ticket?
01:10:24Oh, give it to you when I get on the bus.
01:10:25Come on, get on the bus, then.
01:10:29Oh, turn on, love.
01:10:30Oh, that's a good boy.
01:10:32That's right.
01:10:32Turn on.
01:10:33That's right.
01:10:34Come on, Jack.
01:10:35Come on, you, Jeff.
01:10:36Stan, Jack, I mean, anybody, everybody aboard me.
01:10:39Everybody's on the stage.
01:10:40Oh, yeah, mate.
01:10:40Go on, you, get, love.
01:10:42Hey, wait a minute.
01:10:44I'm not driving this bus.
01:10:47Yes, that's right, Butler.
01:10:48Yes, I allocated you to drive this coach to the airport.
01:10:51No, I'm on my holidays.
01:10:53Yes.
01:10:53It's worth four quid, to your son.
01:10:55Oh, shit.
01:10:57Yes.
01:10:58There you go, sir.
01:11:01There he goes.
01:11:02Go on, have a break.
01:11:02Go on, have a break.
01:11:06He's a bar.
01:11:07Oh, yeah.
01:11:07Oh, yeah.
01:11:08Sorry, mate.
01:11:09No, you're the corned beef, sir.
01:11:11What's the matter with you?
01:11:12I can't breathe again, love.
01:11:13That's a purpose.
01:11:15That's all.
01:11:15In it now, love.
01:11:17Are you in?
01:11:18Hello, Rick.
01:11:19Southend via Basildon.
01:11:21Here, and don't forget this is a coach, not a bus.
01:11:24Don't go stopping at request stops.
01:11:26Don't worry, mate.
01:11:26I never do.
01:11:27Come on, guys.
01:11:29Come on.
01:11:30Come on, boys.
01:11:31Come on, boys.
01:11:33Come on, boys.
01:11:33Come on, boys.
01:11:34Come on, boys.
01:11:34Come on, boys.
01:11:35Come on, boys.
01:11:35Come on, boys.
01:11:36Come on, boys.
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