#ShowMovies
#Taskmaster
#Taskmaster
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00:01This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30Thank you. Thank you.
00:36I'm Greg Davis, and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39It's episode six, and unlike any of the meals my mother served me
00:42throughout my childhood, things are really hotting up.
00:45They've proved themselves to be resilient, clever, and unlike any
00:48of the food fed to me, up until the age of 18, they have just
00:51the right amount of spice.
00:53Even some salt would have helped.
00:55For God's sake, old woman, put some salt in.
00:59It tastes of nothing!
01:03Sorry.
01:04Please welcome Fatia Al Gorey!
01:07Jason Mandzukas!
01:10Matthew Bainter!
01:13Rosie Ramsey!
01:15And Stevie Martin!
01:20And next to me, a man who told me privately that for him,
01:23sex is like Christmas.
01:25Once a year, and involves the death of a turkey.
01:29LAUGHTER
01:32I think he's going to turn!
01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:36Hello.
01:39Yeah? Yes.
01:40I'm feeling pretty good, cos I sometimes find this quite stressful,
01:42the show.
01:43Yeah.
01:44Now, what I've done, to help me relax, I've got myself a brand new
01:46sex bot.
01:47So, erm...
01:48LAUGHTER
01:49The idea was to go back to the room after the show...
01:50LAUGHTER
01:53Get it going, and that should just...
01:54Get it going, isn't it?
01:55Relieve the tension.
01:56OK.
01:57LAUGHTER
01:58I've got to say, I am genuinely surprised, cos he doesn't like
02:00talking about private things.
02:02What do you mean?
02:03Yeah, anything.
02:04Anything sexual.
02:05Interesting.
02:06Sorry, I've got a brand new box set.
02:07I've got a brand new box set.
02:08I was happy for you in March of the Penguin, so I'm really
02:11looking forward to that.
02:13Calm the nerves.
02:14So, erm...
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16That's it?
02:17It was a box set, sex bot.
02:18That's the whole bit?
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20That's the whole...
02:21Keep it moving.
02:22Keep it snappy.
02:23Let's go.
02:24Right, let's go.
02:25What's the prize task category, please, Alex?
02:27The category is the thing that is nicest to open.
02:30Greg's fly.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:33Jesus!
02:34LAUGHTER
02:35What's happened to you?
02:36I know, that sounded like I was saying Greg's fly is the
02:38nicest thing to open.
02:39What I meant is Greg is fly.
02:40He's stylish.
02:41He's cool.
02:42And I wonder what everyone's brought in.
02:43Let's find out.
02:44LAUGHTER
02:45Sweet save.
02:46Rosie Ramsey.
02:47Hello.
02:48What have you brought me?
02:49I have brought something that I adore, and every time I
02:52open it, I just feel happy.
02:54Oh, hello.
02:55OK.
02:56A jar of gherkins.
02:57LAUGHTER
03:00So you genuinely love gherkins?
03:01Love gherkins, and I do love opening a jar, like,
03:04without having to ask my husband.
03:06Ugh!
03:07I went on a date with a woman who was much stronger than me,
03:09once.
03:10Did you?
03:11And I didn't mind it.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13You're welcome, honey.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15APPLAUSE
03:16Matthew, what have you brought us?
03:18A pop-up book.
03:19But not just any pop-up book.
03:20A Taskmaster pop-up book.
03:21Oh!
03:22Here it is.
03:23There's your first open.
03:24There's your second.
03:25Hang on.
03:26Where's Alex?
03:27Where's Alex?
03:28Is that the only spread?
03:29No, it's not!
03:30Where's Alex?
03:31Is that the only spread?
03:32No, it's not!
03:33Where's Alex?
03:34Is he behind the door again?
03:36No!
03:37No!
03:38Where's Alex?
03:39Is that the only spread?
03:40No, it's not!
03:41Where's Alex?
03:42Is he behind the door again?
03:43No!
03:44Where could he be?
03:45Is that the only spread?
03:46No, it's not!
03:47Where's Alex?
03:48Is he behind the door again?
03:49No!
03:50Where could he be?
03:51No!
03:52Is that the last spread?
03:53No!
03:54There's one more!
03:55You can help me with this, Greg.
03:56It's little Lally Tom!
03:57Wow!
03:58Wow!
03:59Cheers.
04:00Cheers.
04:01Cheers.
04:02Cheers.
04:03Cheers.
04:04Cheers.
04:05Cheers.
04:06Cheers.
04:07Cheers.
04:08Cheers.
04:09Cheers.
04:10Cheers.
04:11Cheers.
04:12And it's incredible.
04:13It's lovely, Matthew.
04:14Uh, Stevie.
04:15Um, so this is, um, something that has been in my house for...
04:21well, it must be since February when we moved,
04:24and sometimes I can't open jars.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28And I haven't been able to open it.
04:30I've just been buying other peppers because I can't...
04:33I honestly can't open it.
04:35And what's nice to open is when someone goes,
04:37oh, can you get that?
04:38And if you can open it, that'll feel really nice for you.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:43I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power.
04:47I'm a bit sweaty.
04:48Have you genuinely tried to open it?
04:50Yeah, really, really, it's been six...
04:52LAUGHTER
04:55One guy.
04:57It sounded nice.
04:58Does that feel nice?
04:59Smells nice.
05:00Shh!
05:01What one point?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:05I didn't realise this was a jar-based task.
05:08Nor did I.
05:10OK.
05:11Uh, Jason.
05:12All right.
05:13This is something that makes me happy when I open it
05:16because it's something that was mine.
05:18Here, let's see, hit it here.
05:20Aha!
05:21Right?
05:22It's a dog!
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24Except, actually, hold on a second.
05:25Can you open it?
05:26It's actually...
05:27Yes.
05:28Yeah.
05:29Second photo, here we go.
05:30Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:34So...
05:35So that's my dog, Turkey,
05:36and there is the urn with Turkey's ashes,
05:38and that's...
05:39Hang on, isn't that kind of a jar?
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43Now, I'm running...
05:44APPLAUSE
05:45That would not be the worst job,
05:46I'm from dead dog in here!
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49The point is that, look,
05:50when he opens the box and he sees those ashes,
05:52I imagine it brings back so many happy memories.
05:55For me, it's nice because I get to visit with Turkey again.
05:58Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodlands
06:00with your peppers?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03OK.
06:04Fatia, what you brought?
06:06OK, so, the thing that I brought is very relaxing to take off.
06:10Off?
06:11Off.
06:12Oh.
06:13Yeah, you...
06:14I don't think you haven't done it in a while,
06:15but you will do it more once we're married.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18This is what you open to take off.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:23It's nice for me to open cos it's relaxing,
06:25and it's nice for you to open cos it's going to blow your mind.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29LAUGHTER
06:31LAUGHTER
06:33LAUGHTER
06:35APPLAUSE
06:37I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46OK.
06:47You're going to have to decide now,
06:48what is the least nice thing to open?
06:50Both jar ladies are taking the bottom slots.
06:52Yes.
06:53Without question.
06:54Five.
06:55Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point,
06:57and then we'll give Pickle Girl two points,
06:59and she can thank me for them.
07:00Right, so one to Stevie, two for Rosie.
07:02Hey, I don't know.
07:03Can't do it.
07:04I can't...
07:05I can't put a bra above the sweet, sweet memories of the dog.
07:08I can put a pop-up book above it.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11So what are we saying, Greg?
07:12Three...
07:13Four...
07:14Five...
07:15Matthew Bainton.
07:16Done.
07:17Five points!
07:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:20What?
07:22Do you have an incredibly irritating touch to get us started?
07:25Hmm...
07:2767.
07:28MUSIC PLAYS
07:46Hello.
07:49Oh, my God.
07:51What's it with the hat business?
07:53Have you got a fetish or something?
07:55Hello, Rosie.
07:56Hello!
07:57Hello!
07:58You OK?
07:59Yep.
08:04Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
08:10The very top of your head must never be more than five foot six inches from the ground.
08:19How tall are you, Rosie?
08:20I'm five foot one.
08:21You're fine.
08:22So I'll be all right, aren't I?
08:23You may ask Alex yes or no questions.
08:26But Alex will only answer using his exciting new numbers system.
08:32Fastest wins.
08:33Your time starts now.
08:35Is it made of plastic?
08:38Five.
08:40Right.
08:42Is it fruit?
08:43Fifty-four.
08:44Four.
08:46This is awful.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:49APPLAUSE
08:50Very exciting.
08:51Very exciting.
08:53What did you say, Tasha?
08:54I wrote something you said.
08:55What sort of fetish did you get into?
08:57I'm only just realising how often you make things sexual.
09:01I'm a sexual woman.
09:03As is your right.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:06OK.
09:07Who are we going to see first?
09:08Yes.
09:09Well, let's see if they can find out what I had inside my head bowl.
09:11Let's start with Rosie, Ramsay, Stevie and Martin.
09:15Is your name Alex Horne?
09:17Seven.
09:18Is my name Stevie Martin?
09:21Fifty-three.
09:22Oh, yeah, so...
09:25Have I actually...
09:27Oh, is my name Colonel Begonia?
09:31Sixty-two.
09:32OK, so no is even.
09:35Yes is odd.
09:37Sixty-eight.
09:39Your head is too high.
09:41OK.
09:42I don't understand the number system at all.
09:44Right.
09:45Is it something to do with bingo?
09:47Bingo?
09:48Yeah.
09:49Ninety-nine.
09:50Is it, er...
09:51Fifteen.
09:56What are you doing?
09:57You've just got to work out what's on the very top of my head.
10:02I think it's just a hat.
10:05Oh, is that a periscope?
10:06No.
10:07That's not real, is it?
10:09Not real?
10:10Keep your head loyal.
10:12Is that a periscope?
10:15Oh, my God!
10:16I'm smashing it!
10:17Yeah, I mean, I can see you, but...
10:19I can't see what's in your hat.
10:21Wait.
10:23Oh!
10:25Behind...
10:27Behind Greg.
10:29What, this?
10:30This Greg?
10:33Whoo!
10:34There's no one in it!
10:36Can I guess you mean to knock your hat off?
10:3883?
10:39Oh, my God!
10:40It's a grabber!
10:42I'm going to protect my eyes.
10:44OK.
10:46Ooh, jazzy.
10:48I don't know how to do it!
10:52That's annoying!
10:54We've found my weakness, and it's pipes!
10:56Pipes!
10:57Oh!
11:02Got it!
11:04Oh!
11:06It's a carrot!
11:07I've stopped the clock!
11:08Yay!
11:09I would never, ever, ever have got that.
11:12You did get it.
11:15Can I knock it off?
11:17Oh.
11:20Sorry, Alex.
11:21It's all right.
11:22It's a carrot!
11:23I've stopped the clock.
11:25I've never seen someone using a periscope like that before.
11:28APPLAUSE
11:30Very good start.
11:33Bet you loved this task, didn't you?
11:34No.
11:35Submarines?
11:36Beat me aboard.
11:38Whistle me aboard, Captain!
11:41Just to be clear, at no point did you try and use the periscope as a periscope?
11:45I've never used one before.
11:46I get my shipmates to do it.
11:48LAUGHTER
11:50Rosie, absolutely no attempt at breaking the code whatsoever.
11:52No.
11:53No, I didn't even bother.
11:54The only question you asked was, is this bingo?
11:57LAUGHTER
11:58She was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber.
12:00Absolutely, both of them.
12:01Stevie, 6 minutes 53.
12:03Wow.
12:04Rosie, 6 minutes 35.
12:07Wow!
12:08Whoa!
12:09Well done.
12:11OK.
12:12Who is next?
12:13I'm going to leave Jason until the end.
12:14And boy, oh boy, does he know why.
12:16So, for now, here's Matthew and Fathu.
12:19Here we go.
12:21Are you a man?
12:2313.
12:25Are you a woman?
12:2712.
12:29OK, I think I've got it.
12:31Is it a banana?
12:3210.
12:33Is it a strawberry?
12:348.
12:35Kerry?
12:3640.
12:3740.
12:3840.
12:39Yeah, what?
12:40I don't know what this number business is.
12:42No.
12:43OK.
12:46I was going to try and make it unsafe and then you'd have to come down.
12:49Oh, I see.
12:50There's, like, sanitary towels in these shoes.
12:52Are you mad?
12:5312.
12:54What are you going to do with the shoes?
12:55Throw them at you.
12:57No, these are heavy.
12:58I can't do that.
13:05OK.
13:06Behind Greg.
13:21Can you do the pole vault?
13:25Stay there.
13:26Don't move.
13:27You stay low.
13:28I won't hurt you, I promise.
13:31Right, we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it and I don't know what it is.
13:36Stay there.
13:37I bet you super glued it on because you're a twat, bro.
13:42See, it doesn't even move.
13:44I'm scared to hurt.
13:45Oh, here we go.
13:46It's a carrot.
13:47Stop the clock.
13:49What is on the top of my head?
13:50Something orange.
13:52Orange is on the top of your head.
13:54Orange, man.
13:55You must be more specific.
13:56Orange plastic or rubber?
13:59More specific.
14:01Right, let go.
14:03Oh, there it is.
14:05Stop moving.
14:06It's a carrot!
14:0889.
14:13What I found interesting is that when the idea of shoes being thrown at Alex to try and dislodge his head fence, I would have bet my life that Fatia would have been the one to actually throw the shoes.
14:25Quite a twist, yeah.
14:27Suddenly this monster appears.
14:30You got the carrot, you whacked his hat off with a snooker cue.
14:34Yeah, and actually quicker.
14:3530 minutes 20 for Fatia, 40 minutes 20 for Matt.
14:38There we go.
14:39Good luck.
14:42Well, that's the end of part one.
14:43See you back here soon.
14:54Welcome back to the start of part two.
14:57Yes, now, before the break, they were trying to figure out what was on top of my head.
15:01I can only answer questions using my exciting new number system.
15:05Finally, it's Jason's turn.
15:07He's called me lots of things this series.
15:09Jerk off.
15:10Asshole.
15:11So here is some retribution.
15:15Is it produce?
15:1631.
15:17Is it grapes?
15:18Is it a banana?
15:19Sprouts.
15:20Grapefruit.
15:21Lettuce.
15:2228.
15:2360.
15:2425.
15:25Is it a lemon?
15:264.
15:27Is it a lime?
15:2815.
15:29Grapes.
15:3016.
15:31Is it a shoe?
15:32Is it a small house?
15:33Is it dirt?
15:3430.
15:35Is it a lemon?
15:3634.
15:38Is it a lemon?
15:3935.
15:40Is it lemon?
15:4136.
15:42Alex, is it a lemon?
15:4338.
15:44Let's see.
15:45This is just absurd.
15:47I'm ready to be here for the long run.
15:48This is going to be one of those ones where you're like, shockingly, Jason was doing this for 33 minutes.
15:54Is it corn?
15:5893.
15:59Is it a pear?
16:0014.
16:01Green.
16:0260.
16:03Boy, this numbers thing.
16:04I'm not good with this.
16:05No.
16:06Well, sorry.
16:07What do you mean, no?
16:08This is mad.
16:09What's on the very top of my head, Jason?
16:10I don't know anything more than I did at the minute I stopped reading this godforsaken task.
16:17Right.
16:18Okay.
16:19All right, then I guess I'll move around.
16:21Yeah, that's right, everybody.
16:22Get the cameras.
16:23Let's go.
16:25Is it a seagull?
16:2660.
16:27Is it one of these gargoyles?
16:29Seagulls!
16:34Meh.
16:40Oh, Jesus Christ!
16:45Fine.
16:46No, see, this is not working.
16:47This isn't what I want it to be.
16:48It looks pretty close there.
16:49Yeah, no, I know.
16:50Okay.
16:51I'm not a fucking idiot, Alex.
16:52I know that I found the thing.
16:53Okay, now that can't...
16:54That's so difficult.
16:55Oh, boy, this is very difficult.
16:56Sorry, Alex.
16:57Man, what?
16:58I'm gonna try this again.
16:59Oh, is it green?
17:00A little bit.
17:01I mean, it's right.
17:02Now, it's right there.
17:03Yeah.
17:04But what the hell is it?
17:05I can't make out what the hell that is at all.
17:06Is it carrot?
17:07Hooray!
17:08Three.
17:09Or two.
17:10Or five.
17:11Or seven.
17:12Oh, did I guess it?
17:13You've completed the task.
17:14Oh, great.
17:15That's what I thought.
17:16Do you feel good?
17:17No!
17:18No!
17:19No!
17:20No!
17:21No!
17:22No!
17:23No!
17:24No!
17:25No!
17:26No!
17:27No!
17:28No!
17:29No!
17:30No!
17:31No!
17:32No!
17:33No!
17:34No!
17:35No!
17:36No!
17:38No!
17:39No!
17:40No!
17:41No!
17:42Let me be clear, Alex.
17:43I do not feel good.
17:44Well, thank you, Jason.
17:46Alright.
17:47Might it be the longest time anyone's ever taken?
17:52It's gotta be up there.
17:53It was one hour, forty.
17:54No!
17:55No!
17:56One hour, forty minutes!
17:57I did this!
17:58These two have both done it in just under seven minutes.
18:03These two have both done that in just under seven minutes.
18:07Somehow I had it in my mind, I had to crack the code.
18:11He asked 233 questions.
18:14How many of them were, is it a lemon?
18:17Do you want to give me a number between 1 and 233?
18:19We'll find out some of the questions.
18:20Sure, 154?
18:22Well, that was quite a long one.
18:22What if I hopped the fence and went into the golf course
18:24and you never saw me again?
18:25We have, is it suffering, is it Jesus Christ, is this good television,
18:35is it human teeth?
18:36There were so many.
18:38Come on then, you nerds, what's the system?
18:40Very simple, it's no, it's a composite number, yes, it's a prime number.
18:44Oh, I hate you even more.
18:47Because I would never have figured that out.
18:49No, we saw that.
18:52OK, what are the scores?
18:53Yes, well, Jason with his 100 minutes gets one point.
18:57Matt with 14 minutes, two points.
18:58Fatia, 30 minutes, three points.
18:59Stevie, just slower than Rosie, so you get four points.
19:02But Rosie Ramsey gets the full five points!
19:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:05Right, what are the scores, Alex?
19:10It's very, very close.
19:12Two points separating all five of them.
19:14Joint winners so far, Matt and Rosie on seven points.
19:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:18All right, I think we need the team task.
19:21Oh, I do too, and aren't they all just one big happy family?
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26LAUGHTER
19:26Matthew.
19:40Alex.
19:42Rosie.
19:43Alex.
19:43Fatia.
19:44Horn.
19:46Great news.
19:47Oh, yeah?
19:48We've come up with a team name.
19:49Oh, that is good news.
19:51I've forgotten it, so you have to say it.
19:52JV Martzoukas.
19:53That was it.
19:54Hello, JV Martzoukas.
19:55Hello, Alex.
19:57There's a task for you there and a little camera.
19:58OK.
20:01Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others,
20:05then capture your relationship
20:07with a classic family home video moment.
20:11Most believable family wins.
20:13You have 30 minutes.
20:14Your time starts now.
20:17This is fantastic.
20:18Oh, let me be the mum.
20:19Cos you two are parents, I'm not, so let me be the parent.
20:21Is that all right?
20:22Does that make sense?
20:23What are those classic, like you teaching me how to, like, potty training?
20:31I'm dangling you over, and you're pissing.
20:33Over the toilet, and I'm pissing and pooping.
20:36Can I, uh, do we have laxatives, Alex?
20:39Oh, we've got to do a play.
20:43Play?
20:43Or, like, put a musical on us.
20:45Not, just, you know, when kids do, like, a show.
20:48Right.
20:49Flying ice cream, playing...
20:50Playing in traffic.
20:52Can we play in traffic?
20:53Playing in traffic?
20:54No.
20:54OK.
20:5422 minutes.
20:55Oh, God, right, OK.
20:56So, let's go.
20:57All right, let's go, let's go, let's go.
20:59Just read me the task again.
21:04Make yourselves look like one of you is a parent of the others, and capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment.
21:09And Jason's suggestion was playing in traffic.
21:13You guys don't do that?
21:14Yes.
21:15Oh, your country's so boring!
21:17Well, we're going to start with a team of two, and this one is actually far from ideal for me.
21:24BELL RINGS
21:25BELL RINGS
21:26BELL RINGS
21:27Bring the camera up, Denise.
21:28Bring it up, Denise.
21:29Right, have you got that?
21:30Yeah.
21:30Have you got it?
21:31Have you got it?
21:31Have you got it?
21:32I'm scared, Daddy, I'm scared!
21:34I can't do it!
21:36I can't do it!
21:37I've got you, I've got you.
21:38Look, I've got you.
21:39Daddy's got you.
21:40Oh, Daddy, please!
21:41Don't let go, Daddy!
21:43Are you getting it?
21:44Don't let go!
21:45I'm getting it!
21:46I'm getting it!
21:47I did it!
21:48I did it!
21:49I did it!
21:50No hands, Lord!
21:51No hands!
21:52You did it!
21:53Who's that man?
21:55What man?
21:56Was that man there?
21:58Daddy, who's that man?
22:01Oh, my God, it's a pervert.
22:03What?
22:04I like the hairy girl.
22:06Get out of here!
22:07Get out of here now!
22:09Get out of here now!
22:10Get him, Daddy!
22:11Get him!
22:12Get him!
22:13Get him!
22:14Get him!
22:15Get him!
22:16Get him!
22:17Get him!
22:18Get him!
22:19Get him!
22:20Get him!
22:21Get him!
22:22Get him!
22:23Get him!
22:24Get him!
22:25Get him!
22:26Get him!
22:27Get him!
22:28Can I just say something?
22:29When we ran out, we all ran out into like the rush hour traffic.
22:33Into the traffic!
22:34Get him!
22:35Get him!
22:36Get him!
22:37With insane energy, straight into people, like, at a stop sign.
22:41And you were like, oh, this is the old days.
22:44I feel like I'm back at home and I'm a kid running around the streets, baby.
22:48OK, I sort of bought it, you know, the touching moment of the hairy girl being taught to ride a bike.
22:54I'm just intrigued by, given the title, classic family video, of bringing the pervert into it.
23:00Well, it's in the 80s.
23:01Yeah.
23:02You know, it was a different time.
23:03Yep.
23:04So it was meant to be like an accidental snapshot into sexual politics of the decade.
23:10Classic.
23:11Yeah!
23:12OK, it's time for us to stop again.
23:14When you return, you'll see an entirely different family, but Alex will still be a pervert.
23:20Let me tell you, the book I'm going to write one day.
23:23We'll see you in a minute.
23:37Welcome back to Taskmaster, where I'm looking forward to seeing the next team attempt.
23:41Now, we're after a classic family home video moment.
23:44Most believable family wins.
23:46So now it's Daddy Matt with his little girls, Fatia and Rosie.
23:50Merry Christmas, everybody.
23:51Christmas morning.
23:55The presents are out.
23:57Let's call the girls.
23:59Girls!
24:01Father Christmas has been!
24:03He's been!
24:05Yes!
24:06Merry Christmas!
24:07Merry Christmas!
24:11Merry Christmas, Patty!
24:13Now, girls, Patty in particular, remember what happened last year with the presents?
24:20I know that sometimes you can get a little bit jealous, and I just wanted to say that I've thought very carefully about these presents, and I thought as much as I could about things that you would really like.
24:37OK?
24:38Daddy doesn't have any favourites, Patty.
24:41Do you like Hattie?
24:42No, Daddy.
24:43So, are you ready?
24:44Open your presents!
24:45What have you got there?
24:46Oh!
24:47Oh!
24:48Look!
24:49Oh!
24:50Oh!
24:51Yeah!
24:52Patty, you've got some string, and Patty, you've got a scooter!
25:06Do you like your present, Patty?
25:07Are you OK, Patty?
25:08Oh, Patty, do you...
25:09Not again, Patty.
25:10Do you want the string, Patty?
25:11Oh, Hattie!
25:12Oh, I'm sorry, Hattie, that means you have to have the scooter!
25:13Oh, no!
25:14I know you wanted the scooter!
25:15Oh, Patti, do you...
25:18Not again, Patti.
25:24Do you want the string, Patti?
25:25Oh, Patti.
25:27That's such good sharing and lovely Patti and the present.
25:31Yeah, Patti, do you want my present?
25:33Is that what you want, Patti?
25:35Yeah, Patti.
25:36Oh, I'm sorry, Patti, that means you have to have the scooter.
25:39Oh, no.
25:42I know you wanted the scooter.
25:43Don't do my thing, Patti.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46APPLAUSE
25:48APPLAUSE
25:50APPLAUSE
25:52All right, well, here's a question I never thought I'd ask on television.
26:06What's with all the hairy women?
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09We needed some...
26:11Family resemblance.
26:12Yeah.
26:12So we needed to look like...
26:13Well, that's the obvious, yeah.
26:15So obviously the girl should be bearded.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18Well, I assume it's because he's a single father.
26:20And they're just his.
26:21LAUGHTER
26:22LAUGHTER
26:23Greg, it's most believable family wins.
26:26Yeah, well, obviously, it was the horrible, jealous daughter
26:29being manipulated by the admittedly creepy father.
26:33Right.
26:33So slightly more...
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35LAUGHTER
26:36So we're giving five points for the team of three.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:38OK, how many points for the team of two?
26:39Four points.
26:40There we go.
26:41Four points and five points.
26:42APPLAUSE
26:43What's next, then?
26:46Well, I do think it's time for some comeuppance.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:50MUSIC
26:51Wow, Matthew Bainton.
26:52Wow, Alex Horne.
26:53Ooh!
26:54Have a seat at the desk.
26:55Congratulations.
26:56Congratulations.
26:57Did you graduate college?
26:58Yeah.
26:59What school?
27:00Cambridge University.
27:01What degree?
27:02Latin and Greek.
27:03OK.
27:04You were like, oh, whatever it is, it's gotta be obsolete.
27:07Oh, I'd love to go to Cambridge and major in obsolescence.
27:11GIGH INSIDE
27:28Teach the taskmasters assistant a lesson he'll never forget. Ooh la la!
27:32Most memorable lesson wins.
27:34You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now.
27:39From what I know about how memory works, basically if something's a little bit
27:46Traumatic it sticks in your mind
27:50Tell me a fact like what would be favorite practice?
27:53Get dogs in all different colors
27:59No, do you remember in the olden days when you used to snow up to your waist
28:03Do you remember? Yeah, so what it was winter and it was snowing and then these boys come and played knock down ginger
28:10And my dad chased them barefoot in his boxers because my dad's an animal
28:14And that is the lesson my dad is an animal
28:20Yeah, it's not necessarily been
28:23My brain and I will think you're just like all my old teachers. Yeah, am I?
28:28sexy
28:33I'm excited to see Matthew deal with his minor childhood traumas
28:43I'm very excited about learning more about how much of an underwear wearing animal fuddy his dad is
28:51Well, let's see we're gonna start with two lessons from Rosie and Matt
28:59Open the hatch
29:01Oh
29:03Trow down you mean trousers. Yes, please
29:08Down to your ankles, please. Thank you so much
29:10Are you ready for your lesson on memory?
29:13When you get something wrong
29:17Right, that means you must dump your head
29:21Into the bin of water. We shall see if that donks your memory
29:26Toilet row the cheeks parted
29:29Wipe until clean
29:31What is the first step of creating a memory called?
29:35Perception
29:37It's called encoding horn. What's it called?
29:49Encoding
29:50Down you go
29:52Is it not going to be good?
29:54Correct. It's called encoding
29:59Part the cheeks
30:02Part the cheeks
30:03Wipe until clean
30:04Don't look you disgusting little boy
30:10Put it in the bin
30:11What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:13What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:15Hippocampus
30:16Very good
30:18You may celebrate me in the long
30:20Oh
30:48Oh
30:49Oh
30:50Oh
30:51Oh
30:52Yeah, I
30:53I don't know
30:56Matthew, was this monster based on someone from your life?
30:59Tell me now
31:00The idea was not about reliving my childhood trauma
31:03It was the theory that traumatic events, mildly traumatic events
31:07Yes
31:08Stay in the brain
31:09So that would be a lesson he wouldn't forget
31:12But I would argue that perhaps we have a different understanding of the phrase mildly traumatic
31:17Icy water there was ice in the water wouldn't there Matt?
31:21Little bit
31:22Did you feel like you were better equipped to wipe your own backside after Rosie's onslaught?
31:28I was confused
31:29I'm sorry Rosie, but you were sending mixed messages
31:32Don't look at it and he wiped it on my face at the end
31:35She got carried away
31:36She really got carried away
31:38The thing is growing up in this country we all know a teacher who's not that far from those psychopaths
31:43So good, I enjoyed them both
31:45Okay, want to see more?
31:47Yes
31:48Okay, yet more dignity for me now with lessons from Fatia and Stevie
31:51Oh God
31:52I'm going to teach you a fact
31:55The reason you'll never forget it
31:57Is I'm going to ask you to write it out 50 times
32:00That's cool, okay
32:01You go over this side and you go like that
32:03You need to do your hands
32:05Yeah?
32:07Yeah, but you're not just stepping
32:09I am
32:10In fact, I'd like you to write it not there
32:13I'd like you to write it on your person
32:15On my body?
32:17That would be your person, wouldn't it?
32:19Some people take person as a euphemism for
32:21Sorry, you call your penis your little person
32:24Some people do
32:25Sure, you call it your little alex
32:26Or on
32:27You look like a pen
32:29Yes
32:30Okay, gotta be like a snake
32:32Turn your snake
32:33That is not a snake
32:36Oh, it's not bad
32:38Shrimp's heart is located
32:40In
32:41Oh, I put on
32:42Just going to shake your top
32:44No, just your top
32:46Not your head
32:48Eleven, right
32:49I'm out of room there
32:50Yeah
32:51I'll give you some privacy
32:52Still, still, still, still
32:54Go
32:55Go
32:56You've got to move
32:57Not just your hands
32:58You look like when you fry chips
32:59Can you do it again?
33:00I haven't got those things
33:03You don't need those things to do it
33:05I hate to alarm you
33:09But you probably will have to set your trousers off
33:11I've been CRB checked
33:13It's fine
33:14Stay still here
33:15Go on
33:16That's it
33:19We're on 42
33:20Yeah
33:21This is 46
33:23Whales have legs in their stomachs
33:27That's it now
33:28You're a fully fledged Moroccan dancer
33:30Okay then
33:31Yalla, you ready?
33:32Yalla, I'm ready
33:33Yalla, Waheed
33:34Zhoosh
33:35Clutter
33:39Right leg
33:42Good
33:43Hip
33:44Yay
33:45Woo
33:46Woo
33:47Woo
33:48Woo
33:49Woo
33:51It's a massive bone
33:52Okay, a shrimp's head
33:54Is it a shrimp's head?
33:55Oh no, it's a heart
33:56Yeah, of course it is
33:57I forgot on the last one
33:58Can you repeat the fact to me now?
34:01A shrimp's heart is located in its head
34:04Congratulations, you've learnt your lesson
34:06Get cleaned up
34:08Thank you
34:09Thank you
34:10Thank you
34:11Yeah
34:12Thank you
34:13Thank you
34:14Thank you
34:15Well
34:16Is the shrimp fact true?
34:18Yeah
34:19Absolute true
34:20And the whale fact?
34:21Yes, so
34:22They've got legs in their stomach
34:23No, it's when they've evolved
34:24They used to have legs
34:25So if I cut a whale up
34:26There'll be a big leg in there?
34:27No, it's like a human's leg
34:29Just like a nub
34:30A nub of a bone
34:31That is still there
34:32From when they used to be mammals
34:34I just like the idea
34:35There's one big leg
34:36And they were bouncing around
34:37I like that idea as well
34:38I didn't think about
34:39The essential element
34:40I thought it had
34:41In my head it's got a boot on it
34:42Yeah
34:43But I know it doesn't
34:45But...
34:46Yeah
34:47But yeah
34:48I found watching you teach him
34:50Genuinely quite sweet
34:51And I thought the result was actually quite good
34:53GASP
34:55And it worked
34:57You were encouraging and I wanted to please you
34:59Oh, did you?
35:00Oh, did you?
35:01Oh, he's dead
35:05Break time
35:06When we return
35:07We'll finally find out
35:08Who's going home with a bra
35:10A dead dog's ashes
35:11And a jar of gherkins
35:13Or as my uncle used to call it
35:14Foreplay
35:15Hello again!
35:28Part four is it then?
35:30Yes it is Greg, keep up mate
35:32The contestants are all teaching me lessons
35:35For example, I now know how to wipe myself and belly dance
35:39Time for my final lesson now
35:41And it's with Hollywood hotshot Jason Mantzoukas
35:44It occurs to me
35:45That you need to be a little bit more assertive
35:49But first
35:50I need to see you a little bit in your natural environment
35:53Let's go
35:54Yeah, let's do it
35:55Right
35:56Jenny
35:57Here's your tea, Alec
35:58Ooh
35:59That's so nice of you, thank you
36:00You're welcome
36:01That's amazing
36:02Thanks
36:03Bye bye
36:04Hello Alec
36:05Hi Becky
36:06We're getting sandwiches for lunch today
36:08What would you like?
36:09Sandwiches, anything at all
36:10Honestly
36:11Whatever's easiest for you
36:12Thank you
36:13Thank you
36:14Mmm
36:15Oh
36:16Hi Alec
36:17Amy, this looks amazing
36:18Oh thanks
36:19That is so
36:20It's just right
36:21That's perfect
36:22Thank you
36:23How are you feeling?
36:24It's been a tough time to be honest
36:25Yeah
36:26The scans came back
36:27The doctor said they were inconclusive
36:29Oh, not inconclusive
36:30Yeah, I'm just so grateful to be here
36:31Look, whatever it takes
36:32Honestly, you're such a crucial part of the team
36:35Oh
36:36Thank you
36:37Okay
36:38I've seen everything I need to see
36:39Let's go
36:40Okay
36:41That was terrible
36:42Really?
36:43I didn't like that at all
36:44I thought it was good
36:45What you understand
36:46Is that these people work for you so you should be polite to them? Wrong
36:51It doesn't matter how you treat them
36:54They are things
36:56You only focus on what matters to you
36:59Me
37:00Alex Horne
37:01Number one
37:02Everyone else
37:03The things
37:04Who the fuck cares?
37:05These are tools in your toolbox to make this glorious show
37:10No
37:11Let's do this
37:12No
37:13Here's your tea Alex
37:15Thing
37:16Yes
37:17Yes
37:18Yes
37:19It's the wrong shade
37:24What would you like for lunch today?
37:25I want goose
37:26And jelly
37:27Ha ha ha ha
37:28Oh
37:29What's this?
37:30That looks absolutely stupid
37:31What the frick is this?
37:32Freak?
37:33Hey, hey, what are you doing?
37:34You're a bad boy
37:35You're Alex
37:36What the fuck is this?
37:37Yes
37:38Yes
37:39Yes
37:40Yes
37:41Yes
37:42Yes
37:43Yes
37:44Yes
37:45Yes
37:46Yes
37:47Yes
37:48Yes
37:49Yes
37:50Yes
37:51Yes
37:52Oh shit
37:53I'm so sorry Alex
37:54You're fired
37:55Ooh
37:56You're never here anyway
37:57You're always going to the hospital
37:59Go
38:00Quicker
38:01Quicker
38:02Let's get her
38:03You're a pain in the ass
38:05A pain right in my
38:06What is this?
38:07What is this?
38:08Who are you?
38:09Off you go
38:10Bye-bye
38:11Bye-bye
38:12Hey, wait, wait, wait
38:14You forgot your bag
38:17That was great
38:23Fuck you
38:24Oh
38:25The student has become
38:26The master
38:28Bye-bye
38:36I am a bit shocked by how well you took that on
38:39Yeah
38:40I've learnt a lesson looking at that
38:41It's not ideal
38:42It's not ideal
38:43It's not ideal
38:44But you do feel a lot of those things in private, I know
38:47Whenever we're in a...
38:48It did take quite a bit to get him there
38:50From Frick to Fuck was a huge transition
38:53Yeah
38:54From Frick to Fuck
38:55Yeah
38:56From Frick to Fuck
38:57That's your autobiography title
38:58Sorry
38:59But I do want to apologise to the members of the team
39:04Don't ruin it now
39:05They're things
39:06They're tools in the toolbox
39:10But who was the best tutor?
39:13Yeah, I'd say Jason leading me by the hand and shouting in my face worked a bit
39:17A bit?
39:18But it was the warmth of Fatia that I responded to most
39:21Wow
39:22Fatia, you're about to get five points for being nice
39:25Oh, shit
39:26Really?
39:27This is gonna...
39:28Really?
39:29Fuck your brand
39:30So, Fatia gets five points for being nice
39:36Jason gets four points for coercing a monster from you
39:40So, shrimp or poo or cruelty?
39:44They were all much of a muchness, if I'm completely honest
39:47Three points each?
39:48OK, yeah, fair enough
39:49Fair enough, fair enough
39:54Actually, you take a peek at those scores
39:56Yes, well, the series scores are in
39:58And there's two people in the 90s
39:59Rosie's on 90
40:00Matt on 99
40:01The series we've got in the moment
40:07But in this episode, she's just so lovely
40:08She's in the lead with 16 points
40:09It's Fatia El Ghori
40:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:17So sweet, so kind, so in the lead
40:19OK, it's time
40:21Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:31Hello, honey pie
40:32I like the hairy girl
40:34Who's gonna read the task out?
40:36Jason today, please
40:38Don't blow the last thing off the table
40:43If you don't blow anything off the table, you are eliminated
40:47If you do blow the last thing off the table, you are eliminated
40:50You must stay on the spot and you must not touch the table
40:54Last player standing wins
40:56Yes, there'll be four rounds of this
40:58In each round, there'll be a different lot of things on that table there
41:01One at a time, you'll come to the spot
41:03Something has to fall off the table
41:05But if everything goes, you're out
41:07And ultimately, if there's only one thing left, that person's out
41:10That is checkmate
41:11Prepare the table
41:15I knew it
41:16I knew it
41:17It's feathers
41:18I knew it
41:19So at least one feather must leave
41:21We're gonna go from right to left
41:22We're starting with Stevie
41:23Watch me fuck this up so bad now
41:26That's the sort of confidence you get in the Navy
41:29LAUGHTER
41:31OK
41:32One bloke
41:34Yeah
41:35Yeah, all right
41:38LAUGHTER
41:40APPLAUSE
41:42Just...
41:44Bloody hell, it was touch and go though, wasn't it?
41:46No, I knew what I was doing
41:48I was building tension
41:49LAUGHTER
41:51Rosie's up next
41:54Lovely
41:55Absolutely well
41:56APPLAUSE
41:57That's his turn
41:58APPLAUSE
42:01Oh!
42:02Oh!
42:03Oh!
42:04Oh!
42:05Oh!
42:06That was bold
42:07Up he comes, Jason Manzikis
42:17Good luck, Fatia
42:24Not a lot left up there
42:25Not a lot left
42:26Wow
42:29Yep
42:30APPLAUSE
42:31APPLAUSE
42:33Oh!
42:35Oh!
42:37Oh!
42:38Oh!
42:39Oh!
42:40APPLAUSE
42:41Oh!
42:45Oh, wow!
42:47Easiest there
42:48It was two there
42:49Let's do this
42:50LAUGHTER
42:53LAUGH
42:55LAUGHTER
42:58LAUGHTER
43:01APPLAUSE
43:03Well done!
43:05APPLAUSE
43:07OK, round two.
43:09Little pictures of...of Craig.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:15OK, blow me, Jason.
43:17Happily, my friend.
43:19LAUGHTER
43:21OK.
43:23APPLAUSE
43:25Lovely.
43:28LAUGHTER
43:29One round, one round.
43:31APPLAUSE
43:33APPLAUSE
43:35OK.
43:40Oh, stop!
43:42LAUGHTER
43:44I get it, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to!
43:46The arrogance of someone trying a double blow in this competition.
43:50Now three.
43:52Ah.
44:01Lovely.
44:02LAUGHTER
44:03Lovely.
44:04APPLAUSE
44:09LAUGHTER
44:15Yeah?
44:16One at a time, why not?
44:17Why not?
44:18APPLAUSE
44:19We're up in the professional league now.
44:24That'll do.
44:25APPLAUSE
44:26Very good one.
44:27Very good one.
44:30LAUGHTER
44:34That was tactical play, lovely.
44:40Yeah.
44:41LAUGHTER
44:42Good luck, Rosie Randall.
44:43APPLAUSE
44:45Here we go, final round.
44:46Oh.
44:47I have to pick for all of us and say,
44:48I can't believe this is watchable.
44:49LAUGHTER
44:50And yet everyone riveted.
44:51APPLAUSE
44:52Oh.
44:53Here we go, final round.
44:54Oh.
44:55That's big for all of us and say,
44:56I can't believe this is watchable.
44:57LAUGHTER
44:58And yet everyone riveted.
44:59I can't believe this is watchable.
45:02And yet everyone riveted.
45:08Here we go, here we go.
45:14You can see why they're in the final.
45:19Oh, it's nearly two breaths.
45:21How was it nearly two breaths?
45:22Well, there was one.
45:26Oh, I hate you so much.
45:30Oh.
45:32Now we're infected.
45:33Now we're playing.
45:34Now we're playing the power.
45:41He's left it open, though.
45:42He's left it open.
45:49Oh!
45:50Oh!
45:51Problems.
45:52Problems.
45:53Problems.
45:54That's probably for Fatia, right?
45:56Yeah, it feels like it.
45:58Oh!
45:59Oh!
46:00It's so nice.
46:01Oh!
46:02Oh!
46:03Oh!
46:04In second place, Fatia O'Goy.
46:06And the winner of the face of Madsukuro!
46:08Come down and join me with that match for the final score!
46:13Oh!
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:21Well, well, well.
46:22Yes.
46:23Like a lot of things in this show, surprisingly watchable.
46:25Really good.
46:26Matt, unfortunately out first, gets the one point.
46:28Two to Stevie, three to Rosie.
46:29Then it was between Fatia and Jason at the end.
46:31Four to Fatia.
46:32Jason won it, gets the five points.
46:34So, well done, Jason.
46:35Yeah.
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38But how do they take the overall scores, Greg?
46:40I don't know.
46:41You won't believe it.
46:42They've now all got even-numbered scores.
46:44I love it.
46:45Stevie at the bottom with 14.
46:46At the other end, with 20 points, for the first time, it's Fatia!
46:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:53Back to your own glory ways!
46:57Please close the show by opening your things there.
47:00Nice welcome!
47:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE