Brendon O' Carroll
Live
Live
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00For more information, visit www.fema.org
00:00:30PIANO PLAYS
00:01:00PIANO PLAYS
00:01:30PIANO PLAYS
00:01:32Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Olympia Theatre.
00:01:43We would like to draw your attention to the fire exits on both sides of the auditorium.
00:01:48In the unlikely event of an emergency, please proceed calmly and quickly to the nearest exit.
00:01:55We would like to remind patrons that smoking is strictly forbidden in the auditorium.
00:02:00The use of cameras and recorders is also not permitted.
00:02:04Sweets, ice cream and refreshments are on sale during the interval.
00:02:08And for your convenience, the theatre bars will remain open after the show.
00:02:13We hope you enjoy your evening. Thank you.
00:02:16Ladies and gents, sit back and relax and be humbly grateful for what you are just about to receive.
00:02:28He's small, he's bald, but he's beautiful.
00:02:32All the way from beautiful downtown Finglas, ladies and gents, will you give a huge welcome to Mr. Brendan O'Carroll!
00:02:42I know when you're pulling me wire.
00:03:05Good evening, you're... How are you?
00:03:09You're all very, very well. My God, there's a lovely crowd in tonight.
00:03:13Oh, by the way, there's no smoking in the theatre.
00:03:18What are they going to do? Fuck me out?
00:03:23I go, we all fucking go.
00:03:27Oh, you're very, very... Hello, how are you?
00:03:29I can only see three rows, so the rest of these are safe.
00:03:31Hello, how are you? How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you?
00:03:36Are you guys married?
00:03:38No, just... That was fair for you.
00:03:41Get it where you can, that's what I fucking say.
00:03:45Hello, lads.
00:03:46Good to see you all together.
00:03:50Same applies to you.
00:03:53No, you're not gay. I knew you weren't gay when I saw you.
00:03:55Because when you kiss, you didn't use your tongue.
00:03:59And I'm not gay either, by the way.
00:04:00There's a rumour going around, that's pure shite.
00:04:03I'm not gay.
00:04:04And I could never be gay, because I can't take pain.
00:04:08Oh, fuck no.
00:04:10Even the child of some big heady fucker behind me.
00:04:13I love you.
00:04:15I beg your pardon?
00:04:17Oh, imagine touching some other fellas.
00:04:20Mickey!
00:04:21That must be horrible.
00:04:23Is it?
00:04:26Yeah.
00:04:28You're hanging out with the wrong fellas.
00:04:30Well, I can tell you two are married straight away,
00:04:33because you look just as fucking miserable as I feel.
00:04:3720 years married this year, myself and Dorian,
00:04:39and we still hold hands, which is nice.
00:04:41Because if we let go, we'd fucking kill each other.
00:04:44Hello, how are you?
00:04:45Nice to see you.
00:04:46Nice couple there.
00:04:46Another couple there.
00:04:47Another couple there.
00:04:47Is there late, girls?
00:04:48Take your time.
00:04:49I was just killing time until you fucking got here.
00:04:52That's your mommy, is it?
00:04:53Do I look like I give a fuck?
00:04:55Tell you, mommy, how are you?
00:04:58How did a bingo go?
00:04:59Any winners?
00:05:01How are you?
00:05:01Nice to see you.
00:05:02I can't see too far back.
00:05:03I can see some of you.
00:05:04Hello?
00:05:04Hello?
00:05:05Hello?
00:05:06Oh, hello.
00:05:08Low-cut dress, that is it?
00:05:10Very nice.
00:05:11Oh, it's a fella.
00:05:11Fuck.
00:05:16You are, of course, all very welcome.
00:05:18It's lovely to have you so long
00:05:19to the Olympia Theatre here in Dublin.
00:05:21Now, we're making a video tonight.
00:05:28So, well, you're going to have to help.
00:05:31What we're going to do is I'm going to walk off
00:05:33and pretend to come back on again.
00:05:34And you're going to have to pretend
00:05:35that you never saw me before in your fucking life.
00:05:38And even more important,
00:05:39that you're fucking delighted to see me.
00:05:43Now, don't fuck up here now.
00:05:45So, I'm going to pretend I never saw you.
00:05:47So, this is me bollocks, isn't it?
00:05:49I'm going to walk off.
00:05:56This is shite.
00:06:00I'm going to walk off, right,
00:06:01and then Jerry's going to say,
00:06:03BELLO CALL!
00:06:04Like he does, you know.
00:06:05But he won't say fucking small this time.
00:06:11And then you just clap
00:06:14as if I'm only coming out of me.
00:06:16This is fucking embarrassing.
00:06:17Now, don't do it until they get back.
00:06:21All right, here we go.
00:06:22Wait a minute.
00:06:23Is that right?
00:06:23Ready?
00:06:24Ready?
00:06:24Ready.
00:06:27Fuck off!
00:06:28Ladies and gentlemen,
00:06:41sit back and relax
00:06:43and be humbly grateful for what you were just about to receive.
00:06:47He's small,
00:06:48he's bald,
00:06:49but he's beautiful.
00:06:51Ladies and gents,
00:06:52a huge welcome, please,
00:06:54for Mr. Brandon O'Carroll!
00:06:57He's a fool of shit.
00:07:22I was only joking about the fucking video.
00:07:27You only have to tell people,
00:07:28there's a camera on them.
00:07:30AHHHHH!
00:07:33We're all like that,
00:07:34when somebody goes,
00:07:35just hold,
00:07:36can I just,
00:07:36they're just testing the camera.
00:07:37There's no film in it.
00:07:38One of my favorite stories
00:07:44is about two gay lads.
00:07:46No, disrespect lads.
00:07:51Two gay fellas,
00:07:52Thethel
00:07:54and Marcus.
00:07:59And they share a flat together in Balls Bridge.
00:08:01Well, fucking where else?
00:08:05Could be worse,
00:08:06could be still Argan.
00:08:07On Mickey Mordov.
00:08:14And they're,
00:08:15they've never been away on a holiday before,
00:08:17so they're starting to go on a holiday,
00:08:18and they've never been on a plane.
00:08:19So, Marcus,
00:08:21Marcus is all excited,
00:08:23you know,
00:08:23and he,
00:08:23OOOOH!
00:08:25Me really?
00:08:27You know the way you'd be able to get excited,
00:08:29you know,
00:08:29get tingled in your,
00:08:30well, you don't care,
00:08:30you don't get tingled, no.
00:08:32Well, unless we get excited,
00:08:33then you get a tingle.
00:08:34So, Marcus is all excited,
00:08:38and Cecil's not.
00:08:39Cecil,
00:08:39because Cecil has fucking seen it all.
00:08:41Cecil knows it all.
00:08:43One of these,
00:08:44you know,
00:08:44because every family has one,
00:08:45Noah.
00:08:46It's usually a fucking sister-in-law.
00:08:50Fucking bitch knows it all.
00:08:51So, when you get on the plane,
00:08:55Marcus goes,
00:08:55OH, Cecil!
00:08:56LOOK AT THE SIZE OF IT!
00:08:59Cecil's going,
00:09:00SIT DOWN,
00:09:00YOU FUCKING AGEOS!
00:09:02MAKING A SHOW OF US!
00:09:04So, they sit down,
00:09:06and they're about 20 minutes on the plane,
00:09:07and Marcus goes,
00:09:08looks out the window,
00:09:09and goes,
00:09:09Cecil!
00:09:10OH, Cecil!
00:09:12LOOK AT THE PEOPLE!
00:09:13THEY'RE LIKE ANTS!
00:09:14He said,
00:09:14THEY ARE ANTS,
00:09:15WE DIDN'T FUCKING TAKE OFF, YA!
00:09:16SO,
00:09:16SO,
00:09:19THE PLANE TAKES OFF,
00:09:24AND,
00:09:24AFTER THE SAFETY WARNINGS,
00:09:27I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE FLOWN AT ALL,
00:09:29OR REGULARLY,
00:09:30AND YOU SEE THESE SAFETY WARNINGS,
00:09:31THEY MAKE ME FUCKING LAUGH.
00:09:33TWO DOORS HERE,
00:09:34TWO DOORS HERE,
00:09:34TWO DOORS BACK HERE.
00:09:37IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY,
00:09:38DO NOT PANIC!
00:09:41DO NOT FUCKING PANIC!
00:09:44MY BOOT MARKS WILL BE UP,
00:09:45OUR FUCKING BACK!
00:09:48I MEAN,
00:09:49WHAT DO YOU DO?
00:09:49DO YOU GO,
00:09:49EH,
00:09:50I THINK WE'RE GOING TO CRASH,
00:09:51WHAT'S 11 ACROSS?
00:09:58YOUR LIFE VEST IS UNDER YOUR SEAT,
00:10:01I SAY,
00:10:01EXCUSE ME,
00:10:03FOR WHAT?
00:10:06IN CASE WE LAND IN WATER.
00:10:09I SAY,
00:10:10LOOK, COME HERE.
00:10:13PLANES DON'T LAND IN WATER,
00:10:14THEY LAND ON RUNWAYS.
00:10:15THEY FUCKING CRASH IN FUCKING WATER.
00:10:21I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER
00:10:22DIVED OFF A 15-FOOT DIFFING BOARD
00:10:23AND JUST GO IN THE WRONG WAY,
00:10:25JUST SLIGHTLY.
00:10:26IT'S A FUCKING PAIN OF IT.
00:10:28YOU TRIED THAT FROM 30,000 FEET
00:10:30IN A BIG FUCKING SILVER DILDO.
00:10:33SEE HOW GOOD YOUR LIFE JACKET IS
00:10:35TO YOU THEN.
00:10:37FUCK ALL.
00:10:39THE WHOLE FLOYING EXPERIENCE
00:10:41IS A VERY WEIRD EXPERIENCE.
00:10:42I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER GONE
00:10:43FOR A PISS IN A PLANE.
00:10:46USE THE TOILET IF YOU DO.
00:10:48NO, BUT WHEN YOU GO DOWN,
00:10:49AND GIRLS, THIS DOESN'T AFFECT YOU,
00:10:51BECAUSE YOU SIT DOWN.
00:10:52BUT WHEN YOU'RE STANDING UP,
00:10:53WE JUST STAND UP
00:10:54IN FUCKING TURBULENCE.
00:11:01THERE'S A LITTLE SCIENCE SAYS
00:11:02IT WOULD BE HELPFUL TO THE PEOPLE
00:11:05COMING AFTER YOU
00:11:05TO USE A TISSUE AND WIPE THE SEAT.
00:11:08WIPE THE FUCKING SEAT?
00:11:10HOW'S THE FUCKING PLACE DOWN?
00:11:12AND WHEN YOU'RE IN TURBULENCE,
00:11:14THERE'S A LITTLE LIGHT COMES ON,
00:11:15FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT.
00:11:16TO FUCKING WHAT?
00:11:19THE TOILET IS MADE OF PLASTIC,
00:11:22SO YOU'RE PLAYING A DRUMP.
00:11:28AND WHEN I LOOK UP THE WINDOW
00:11:30OF THE TOILET IS FROSTED GLASS.
00:11:33FOR FUCKING WHAT?
00:11:35WHO THE FUCK IS GONNA BE
00:11:36LOOKING IN THE FUCKING WINDOW?
00:11:39A SEAGULL.
00:11:42LOOKING AT YOUR MICKEY GOING,
00:11:43IS THAT A WORDOM?
00:11:48WHERE WAS IT?
00:11:49OH, THE TWO BOYS ON THE PLANE.
00:11:50FUCKING NEEDLY FORGOT THEM.
00:11:53WHO CAN FLY IT BEEN NEALY OVER.
00:11:55SO THE TWO OF THEM ARE SITTING IN THE PLANE,
00:11:56AND MARCUS IS, YOU KNOW, ALL,
00:11:58AND CESCLE DECIRES TO SHOW OFF.
00:12:00MARCUS, MARCUS, WATCH THIS.
00:12:03MISS!
00:12:06YOU, STILETTO.
00:12:11SO THE OST, THAT'S COMING DOWN,
00:12:12SAYS, YES.
00:12:12NOW,
00:12:13YOU, STILLE CREANES, PLEASE.
00:12:16ONE WITH ICE,
00:12:17HE LIKES IT ON THE ROCKS.
00:12:18CESCLE, FUCK OFF.
00:12:20DON'T MIND HIM, I'M NO TROUBLE, DON'T MIND HIM.
00:12:23CESCLE, FUCK OFF.
00:12:24TEN MINUTES LATER, MISS!
00:12:28TWO SAMBOS, HE'S STARBING.
00:12:30CESCLE, FUCK OFF NOW.
00:12:31I'LL GET OFF THIS FUCKING PLANE.
00:12:37SO THE HALF OF THE HOUSE DESCES HAD BROKE AND RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE PLANE AFTER THEM.
00:12:40EVENTUALLY, HALFWAY THROUGH THE FLIGHT, PEOPLE STARTED TO FALL ASLEEP.
00:12:43ALL AROUND THE PLANE HERE.
00:12:45ALL EXCEPT CESCLE AND MARCUS.
00:12:48SO CESCLE SAYS TO MARCUS, MARCUS, DO YOU FANCY LITTLE SLEEPY?
00:12:54LITTLE FORTY WINKIES?
00:12:57MARCUS, DO YOU KNOW, I THINK I WILL.
00:13:00I THINK I'M FUCKING JET SLIGHT.
00:13:03HANG ON A SECOND.
00:13:10MISS, TWO BLANKETS PLEASE, NICE WOOLY ONES.
00:13:16SHE SAID, I'M SORRY, I'VE ONLY ONE BLANKET LEFT.
00:13:19THAT'S ME BOLLOCKS.
00:13:21WE PAID A FULL FAIR HERE.
00:13:23BUT SHE SAID, I'VE ONLY ONE LEFT.
00:13:25NOW, I'M NOT ONE TO TELL YOU HOW TO RUN YOUR HAIRTY PLANE, BUT YOU SHOULD'VE GOT ON YOUR DINGY DONG
00:13:33AND SAID, EXCUSE ME, THE BLANKETS ARE GOING WRAPPY.
00:13:39HE SAID, I'LL REMEMBER THAT NEXT TIME, BUT I STILL HAVE ONLY ONE BLANKET LEFT.
00:13:46AND GO ON, GIVE IT TO HIM.
00:13:47DON'T MIND ME.
00:13:48I'LL JUST STAY HERE AND COUNT ME FUCKING GOOSE PIMPLES.
00:13:53SO MARCUS GETS THE BLANKET, AND HE TOOKS HIMSELF UP IN THE BLANKET, AND CECIL THROWS A JACKET OVER HIMSELF.
00:13:59BUT FUNNY, IT'S CECIL THAT FALLS ASLEEP FIRST.
00:14:02BECAUSE MARCUS DOESN'T FALL ASLEEP, BECAUSE UNDER THE BLANKET, MARCUS GETS WHAT EVERY FELLA DREADS.
00:14:09THE UNEXPECTED HORN.
00:14:12THE ONE YOU GET FOR NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER.
00:14:16THE LADS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
00:14:18THE ONE YOU GET IN THE BOOKIES.
00:14:20THE ONE YOU USED TO GET IN THE BOOKIES.
00:14:35AND THE ONE YOU USED TO GET AT SCHOOL WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGFULLY.
00:14:36IN THE MIDDLE OF MATH, TEACHER BE GOING, MM-MM-MM-MM-MM, YOU AND MICKEY BE GOING, WHAT'S YOU SAYING, WHAT'S YOU SAYING?
00:14:41FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF.
00:14:43TEACHER?
00:14:44Peter! We'll kill the guns on the wank.
00:14:46Dull him off!
00:14:52Marcus gets one of those, so he's under the blanket going,
00:14:54Thomas, get down.
00:14:56Thomas, don't bring me down there to you.
00:15:00Cecil. Cecil.
00:15:02Fuck off, I'm asleep.
00:15:08So under the blanket,
00:15:10Marcus gets his trousers.
00:15:14He's little jockeys.
00:15:18His tights.
00:15:24And he goes,
00:15:26Cecil.
00:15:28Oh, Cecil.
00:15:30Have a surprise for you.
00:15:32Dinner has arrived.
00:15:38Cecil goes, what the fuck is wrong with you?
00:15:40Put your hand under the blanket.
00:15:42Put your hand under the blanket.
00:15:44And see what God will send you.
00:15:48So Cecil goes,
00:15:50My Jesus.
00:15:52Get rid of that.
00:15:54Get fucking rid of it.
00:15:56The more I hit it, the bigger it fucking gets.
00:15:58So...
00:16:00So Cecil says, if you go...
00:16:02If you won't get rid of it, I will.
00:16:06Come on.
00:16:08Follow me down to Jack's.
00:16:10Cecil heads off to the Jack's.
00:16:12Marcus comes behind in the blanket.
00:16:14Cecil! Cecil!
00:16:16Cecil, slow down, will you?
00:16:18I'm not Skippy.
00:16:20I'm not Skippy.
00:16:22Cecil says, have you got Vaseline?
00:16:24I haven't even fucking trousers.
00:16:26Jesus Christ.
00:16:28Get out of the way.
00:16:30Miss!
00:16:32So the hostess says, yes.
00:16:36Would you have some Vaseline, please?
00:16:38No.
00:16:40Is it half long?
00:16:44No.
00:16:46For fuck's sake.
00:16:50You wouldn't have a bit of butter, would you?
00:16:54She said, the kitchen's closed.
00:16:55All we have left are ham sandwiches.
00:16:56Cecil says, many.
00:16:58She said, 16.
00:17:00I'll fucking take them.
00:17:02So Cecil gets the sandwiches.
00:17:03He's heading down to the toilet.
00:17:04Marcus is going, Cecil, what are you fucking doing?
00:17:06I'm not hungry.
00:17:07Shut up, you fucking idiot.
00:17:10We'll use the butter off the sandwiches.
00:17:13Cecil, you fucking genius.
00:17:17So they lock themselves in the toilet
00:17:19and everything seems to be grand, except
00:17:21now people on the plane are waking up.
00:17:23So these two Dublin fellas wake up
00:17:25and of course, you know when you wake up
00:17:27you're like, ooh, half a piece.
00:17:29So they get out.
00:17:30And the queue for the toilet is half the length of the plane.
00:17:32So they're on the queue.
00:17:33Are you alright? Come on.
00:17:34Fuck's sake.
00:17:36Come on.
00:17:39I'll go out the window.
00:17:43So there's an American on the top of the queue.
00:17:44He goes, I'm sorry.
00:17:46There's somebody in there.
00:17:47It's engaged.
00:17:51Fuck's.
00:17:52Engage me, boys.
00:17:53Get out of the way.
00:17:54Get out of the way.
00:17:55So the two dubs get to the top of the queue.
00:17:56Go to the door.
00:17:58Come on, you're right.
00:17:59For fuck's sake.
00:18:00We all want to have a go.
00:18:02No, no, you know what I mean.
00:18:04No, you know what I mean.
00:18:08From behind the door to here.
00:18:10Oh my Jesus.
00:18:12Cecil Depayne.
00:18:14Did you fucking hear that?
00:18:20Give me a lift up.
00:18:21Give me a lift up.
00:18:23So he gets the lift up.
00:18:30Let me fucking down, will you?
00:18:33Because behind the door he sees Marcus.
00:18:35In his nude.
00:18:36Standing on the toilet bowl.
00:18:38With his elbows on the cistern.
00:18:40Surrounded by fucking ham sandwiches.
00:18:43And Cecil is standing behind him.
00:18:45With the cheeks of his eyes apart.
00:18:46Blowing.
00:18:48Marcus going, blow.
00:18:49I'm fucking blowing.
00:18:51I'm not Hurricane Charlie, you know.
00:18:55Oh Cecil, you bastard.
00:18:58I'll never forgive you.
00:19:00Forgive me.
00:19:01How did I know there was mustard on the fucking thing?
00:19:15Well, I'm sure you're wondering why I asked you all to be here tonight.
00:19:18Well, the idea is that we would talk to you about Brendan O'Carroll.
00:19:21And where he came from, et cetera.
00:19:22And a little bit about the family history, et cetera.
00:19:26I was born, I was born on September the 17th, 1955.
00:19:32Which makes me 41 last year.
00:19:34And 40 the year before that.
00:19:37And 38 two years before that.
00:19:40I decided to go fucking backwards now.
00:19:44I was born, I was the youngest of 11 kids.
00:19:47Eleven fucking kids.
00:19:50Eleven.
00:19:52Me mother must have had a fanny like a machine gun.
00:20:00When you're the youngest of 11 you don't get noticed.
00:20:02Not even Jordan the Bert.
00:20:04Me mother's just walking around one day.
00:20:09My Jesus, there's another one.
00:20:10Put it in the pram.
00:20:11I don't know how you do it, girls.
00:20:12I'll tell you.
00:20:13Childbirth, if it was up to men.
00:20:14You know what they say?
00:20:15If it was up to men, there'd be only one child in every family.
00:20:16If it was up to men, I'd believe me friends.
00:20:17There'd be none in my fucking family.
00:20:18I don't know how you do it.
00:20:19It's a horrible hurt.
00:20:20And girls, I know you love your husband to be there.
00:20:21And I did my best with Doreen to be there.
00:20:22But it's not a fucking spectator sport.
00:20:23I was going to take photographs and show Doreen later.
00:20:26She has a leg up in these stirrups things.
00:20:29She looks like a statue after falling of a fucking horse.
00:20:32Waiting for somebody to put her back on the horse.
00:20:34there, but it's not a fucking spectator sport. I was going to take photographs and show Doreen
00:20:41later. She has a leg up in these stirrup teeth. She looks like a statue after falling off
00:20:49a fucking horse, waiting for somebody to put her back on the horse. We stand there holding
00:20:56your hand and telling your lies. You look great. Look fucking great. The Queen of Transylvania.
00:21:07Oh no, I don't know how you do it. Eleven of us. And I went to school in a place called
00:21:17St. Gabriel's Boys National School on the North Sheckler Road. See, there must have been only
00:21:24two of us went in. It was a great school, Gabo's. And the only ones that missed from our school
00:21:31was the fucking teachers. It was a tough school, I tell you. Even the arms of the chairs had
00:21:36fucking tattoos on them. There is up here. Gabo's was great. Do you know when you're in school,
00:21:50when you're a kid and you go to school, I don't know what it's like down the country, but I'm
00:21:53sure it's the same in every school in Dublin. You don't get called by your real name. You
00:21:57know, they call you a short name. I was called Kedler. Hey, Kedler! Or midget. I don't
00:22:02know where the fuck I got that one. Midget. We had all different names. And we had one fellow
00:22:09in the class, we used to call him number eleven. Because he always had two snuts hanging out
00:22:13here. Always. Always. We used to call him number eleven in the summer. In the winter we used to
00:22:17call him Bubbles. And you'd forget about it. You'd see him in the yard and go, give a bit
00:22:23of your chin. Oh no, it's okay. Oh fuck, it's you. His sleeve was like cardboard. Could play
00:22:33hard on it. We used to call him Stammer. Stammer McCabe. Call him Stammer because he had a stutter.
00:22:48And you're cruel when you're kids, aren't you? Because we'd be dying for the teacher to ask
00:22:51Stammer a fucking question. You want to hear him say in Afghanistan.
00:23:00And we would piss ourselves laughing. I remember one day the career guidance teacher came into
00:23:13the class and he says to McCabe, McCabe! Yes sir!
00:23:28Okay, what are you gonna be when you get out of school? Oh.
00:23:35Want to be, want to be a j- a j- a j- a j- a j- a j- a jockey sir!
00:23:55Teacher said, well you fuck off! Well at the time you say g- g- g- g- g- gitty up the
00:24:02fucking race'll be over!
00:24:04we'd know the fence called scooby bezzi. He was the first kid I ever saw
00:24:16drunk. He was eight. Cing in at the still locked when it was his mother's wedding or
00:24:21at his mother's wedding or some fucking thing.
00:24:25Came in locked.
00:24:27Laziest bastard that ever walked on two legs, Scobie.
00:24:30I remember there was a story going about him at the time
00:24:32that his father walked into the house
00:24:34and Scobie was sitting by the fire, crying.
00:24:37And his dad said, what's wrong with you?
00:24:39He said, I'm burning.
00:24:42Dude, is that fucking lazy or what?
00:24:51Scobie inspired a story I started doing about Scobie.
00:24:54Scobie left school when he was 12
00:24:56and he became a professional fossa.
00:25:00He's been on every fossa course.
00:25:05When he was 38, fossa made him redundant.
00:25:12And he had to get a job.
00:25:15And he got a job as the clerk of Oxman Town Church.
00:25:19And he was the clerk of the church.
00:25:20I'm at a handy gig.
00:25:21Come in, light the candles.
00:25:22Four o'clock, blow the milk, fuck off home.
00:25:26And I made this story about Scobie
00:25:28because he's a lazy fucker, you know?
00:25:31Scobie used to...
00:25:32Scobie, this day the priest says to him,
00:25:34Scobie, you're going to have to give the sermon on Sunday
00:25:37because my trouble is gone.
00:25:39Scobie, oh, hold on, father.
00:25:40Oh, wait a minute.
00:25:42Oh, fuck on, my father.
00:25:45Said nothing about that on the false course.
00:25:51The priest said, look, it'll be fine.
00:25:53He said, no, father, I'll tell you.
00:25:54I couldn't.
00:25:55I wouldn't know what to say.
00:25:56He said, I'll tell you exactly what to say.
00:25:57You say, there's no holy days next week
00:25:58except Thursday, which is the Feast of St. Peter and St. Paul.
00:26:01Next Tuesday is the wedding of Mary Malone to Peter Malloy.
00:26:03Anybody who thinks why these two shouldn't be married,
00:26:04please come forward as soon as possible.
00:26:06Next Friday is the first Friday.
00:26:07There'll be confessions on Thursday.
00:26:09All women who want their children baptised
00:26:11have them round the front of the church
00:26:12at half eight on Monday morning.
00:26:13Please remember, it's a deep and meaningful ceremony.
00:26:15Please bring a candle.
00:26:17After 12 o'clock on Sunday,
00:26:18St. Vincent de Paul will be selling little black prayer books
00:26:20for 50 pence for a very good cause
00:26:22and everybody's encouraged to buy one.
00:26:27Paul, will you fuck off?
00:26:30But he was roped into the owner.
00:26:31Sunday morning came, Scobie gets up and decides
00:26:33to go into the city,
00:26:35gets a few points in an early house,
00:26:37driving up the keys and his car broke down
00:26:39and he was fucking delighted.
00:26:41Because it meant he could say to the priest,
00:26:42my car broke down, I couldn't make it,
00:26:43sorry about that,
00:26:44and he wouldn't be telling any lies.
00:26:46Except that two of the parishioners
00:26:48who were going to church,
00:26:49Mary and Peter Ball saw him
00:26:51and they put a rope on his car
00:26:52and told him all the way to the church.
00:26:53He was fucking raging.
00:26:57He got into the pulpit
00:26:58and the first thing he did was just thank Mary and Peter Ball,
00:27:00as the gentleman that he was.
00:27:01So he gets into the pulpit and he goes,
00:27:03Hello.
00:27:07I nearly didn't make it here.
00:27:11I tell you,
00:27:12I wouldn't have been here
00:27:13only if I was told here by the balls.
00:27:19And I want to thank them for that.
00:27:22There's no only days next week
00:27:24except Thursday,
00:27:25which is the feast of Mary and Malone
00:27:27and Peter and Maloy.
00:27:30Next Friday is the wedding of St. Peter to St. Paul
00:27:33and anyone who thinks that these two
00:27:35shouldn't be joined together
00:27:36should mind their own fucking business.
00:27:42Next Tuesday is the first Friday,
00:27:44there'll be confessions on Wednesday.
00:27:47All women who want their chiselers baptized
00:27:49have them round the front of the church
00:27:50at half eight in Monday morning
00:27:52and bring a snorkel
00:27:53because we're going deep.
00:27:54And if you haven't got any children,
00:27:58don't worry
00:27:59because St. Vincent and Paul
00:28:00they're little black ones
00:28:01for 50 pence
00:28:02that's why I have a lot of math.
00:28:13I stayed in St. Gabriel School
00:28:14until I was 11 years of age.
00:28:17After that I went to a private school
00:28:19which was recommended by a judge.
00:28:21A very exclusive school.
00:28:26They used to lock the doors
00:28:27and let nobody out.
00:28:30And that's where I learned my first trade.
00:28:32Kind of a motor trade.
00:28:33Well kind of.
00:28:35Motor associated.
00:28:42And a great child.
00:28:43I had a really good child.
00:28:44And my mother,
00:28:45you know, my mother was 47
00:28:47when I was born.
00:28:48She told me I was one more ride
00:28:50for old times hate.
00:28:56I found our door.
00:28:57It is the truth of God.
00:28:58I found my mother's door here for 1954.
00:29:00And on the 5th of December
00:29:01she had an entry that said
00:29:03must see Dr. Carney today.
00:29:05He said it's either a growth
00:29:06or I'm pregnant.
00:29:08And in brackets she had
00:29:09I hope the fuck it's a growth.
00:29:12I found this when I was 13.
00:29:14What did you say about me?
00:29:16She said you were the growth
00:29:18and you're malignant you little shit.
00:29:21No but she loved me.
00:29:22She slagged me but she loved me.
00:29:23She did.
00:29:24She did.
00:29:25I remember when I'd be having me bath.
00:29:26You know she'd throw things in for me to play with.
00:29:28You know.
00:29:29Electric forward, hair dryer.
00:29:30Being the youngest of 11 is difficult.
00:29:41You know.
00:29:42It sounds like you could be spoiled
00:29:43but not in my house.
00:29:44You couldn't be spoiled in my house.
00:29:45But it was too fucking busy.
00:29:47I had six sisters.
00:29:52Older than me.
00:29:53Six roaring bitches.
00:29:57They would fight over fucking anything.
00:30:01That's mine.
00:30:02That's mine.
00:30:03That's mine.
00:30:04Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
00:30:05All the bras in our house had one diddy on them.
00:30:08Me six sisters hadn't one diddy between them.
00:30:23And when you're the youngest
00:30:24and you have six sisters older than you.
00:30:25Honest to God,
00:30:26I really was sent to the chemist shop for nothing.
00:30:30Me sister called me in Blenden.
00:30:32I go in.
00:30:33What?
00:30:34I want you to go to the chemist.
00:30:36Okay.
00:30:38For what?
00:30:40Nothing.
00:30:43No, fuck off.
00:30:44I'm not going.
00:30:45I don't know.
00:30:46No, I look stupid.
00:30:48Here, chemist, gimme nothing.
00:30:51No, they put me back in the home.
00:30:53Forget it now.
00:30:56But I did go for nothing
00:30:57because she never asked me to get anything.
00:30:59And I never asked the chemist for anything.
00:31:01Me sister would give me a 50 pence piece
00:31:03and a brown paper bag.
00:31:04And I'd just go into the chemist and go,
00:31:05Here.
00:31:11And the chemist would go,
00:31:12Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
00:31:14And he put the money in the tail
00:31:15and give me back the brown paper bag
00:31:16with a fucking pillow in it.
00:31:21And I'd head for home.
00:31:24Until I found out what they fucking were.
00:31:27Then I used to go home like a fucking commando.
00:31:29When friends see me,
00:31:30Oh, look, fuck off.
00:31:31The plasters.
00:31:32Well, they weren't plasters.
00:31:33They were hammocks.
00:31:34That's what my sisters used to call them.
00:31:35They used to call them the hammocks.
00:31:36Because they were shaped like a hammock.
00:31:37With a little loop in each end.
00:31:40I'll tell you a true story.
00:31:41This is the truth of God.
00:31:42Because it's about the hammocks.
00:31:43Do you remember a company called Glen Abbey?
00:31:45Good.
00:31:46My auntie was a supervisor in one of their factories years ago back in the 60's.
00:31:48And all these little girls used to leave school and go straight into the sewing factory.
00:31:57of God because it's about the hammocks. Do you remember a company called Glen
00:32:02Abbey? Good. My auntie was a supervisor in one of their factories years ago back
00:32:07in the 60s and all these little girls used to leave school and go straight
00:32:11into the sewing factory. 13 years of age, sewing and make these make sportswear and
00:32:16all that gear. And my auntie was the supervisor so she had a desk in the
00:32:19middle of the factory. The factory was about this size and hundreds of little kids and a lot of them
00:32:23were either just going through puberty or hadn't even started going through
00:32:26puberty. But my auntie was fucking ready for them because she was kind of their
00:32:31mammy figure. So if a girl came up to the desk and went,
00:32:34Mama, I don't feel well. She had a drawer full of hammocks and a jar of Panadol and she'd
00:32:45wrapped two Panadol in a hammock. Thanks very much, Mama. Well this day, this girl, she's only three
00:32:56weeks in the factory, this young one, and she comes up to me auntie Eilish and she goes,
00:32:59Mrs. Martin, I'm not feeling well.
00:33:03And my auntie,
00:33:05There you go, love.
00:33:10Thanks very much, Mrs. Martin. She went into the toilet, the five minutes of the day she came out,
00:33:15Thank you, Mrs. Martin. And they're all like, come here! The poor child just had a fucking headache.
00:33:25So she took the Panadol and she ran the hammock under the top, put it on her forehead and put a
00:33:32loop around each ear. She walked down the factory like fucking Shager. If it'd slip down, she'd look like a man out of Star Trek.
00:33:46God love her.
00:33:51Oh God.
00:33:54But the hammocks are gone now. Can't get them. In fact, if you had a hammock now, it would be a collector's item.
00:34:00The hammocks are gone because the standard retail business has moved into the scientific age.
00:34:08Super-duper-ooper-duper-ultra.
00:34:12Super-duper-duper-ultra-ultra-ultra.
00:34:14Super-luper-duper-duper-ultra.
00:34:17The fucking ads are gas, aren't they?
00:34:20I hardly notice I'm wearing it.
00:34:25It's nearly invisible.
00:34:27It's all girls, you know, going,
00:34:41Hi! I'm having my period.
00:34:46They never met my wife.
00:34:48You walk into the kitchen with Dory and she's like, how are you, Dory?
00:34:52What do you fucking mean?
00:34:56No, I just, where's the kids?
00:34:57I ate them!
00:35:02You don't see that in the fucking ads.
00:35:03Girls, that's called patronising you.
00:35:14They patronise you with these ads because the ads are made by men.
00:35:17You never had a period.
00:35:22And you should be glad we never had periods.
00:35:25Because if we did, you'd never hear the fucking end of it.
00:35:29We would blame everything that went wrong in our lives.
00:35:38On our periods.
00:35:40Oh, I have to go home.
00:35:46No, I can't go to your mother's, I'm sorry.
00:35:48We wouldn't be as careful as you are.
00:35:56We'd be rough, you know?
00:35:58You know, if we had a period when we did to the machine and the Jensen it was broken?
00:36:01Fuck it.
00:36:02Six beer mats.
00:36:03Fuck it.
00:36:03That'll do it.
00:36:07Fuck it.
00:36:08We're the boys, we're the boys, we're the boys.
00:36:11Every man would blame everything that happened on his period.
00:36:18You meet a fella on a Sunday, how did your match go Sunday?
00:36:21Don't fucking talk to me.
00:36:23I'm standing on the edge of the box.
00:36:27The ball came across from a free kick.
00:36:30Took it on me chest, took it on me knee, just gonna put it in, had me fucking period.
00:36:37That's it, we're now in the cup.
00:36:41The ads are unbelievable.
00:36:51They really are.
00:36:53I'll be loving you all the way.
00:36:57Do you know what they do?
00:36:58They have these marketing people who look after a Sanford retail company and they send you girls samples.
00:37:04They pick you out a fucking phone book.
00:37:07Mrs, send her a fucking sample.
00:37:11I have a grand, an auntie brother, auntie Maisie, she's 83.
00:37:16They don't fucking know that.
00:37:19So they send her a fucking sample.
00:37:22She's asking me when is the other one coming.
00:37:24She's using it as a fucking inside soul.
00:37:26What could I say?
00:37:34I said Maisie, they taught you only one fucking leg.
00:37:36Now we're making a video of this show and some of the videos have been made tonight.
00:37:42And one of the things they said to me was that we'd have a man on stage.
00:37:46But they said it's okay, he'd be dressed in black, you won't notice him.
00:37:51Wonder where the fuck he is now.
00:37:52Fucking technology is marvelous.
00:38:06A lot of people ask me about Mrs. Brown.
00:38:10She's the subject of the mammy.
00:38:12She's the subject of the granny.
00:38:13She's the subject of the chisellers.
00:38:14And she's also the subject of Mrs. Brown's boys.
00:38:17And a lot of people ask me, is Mrs. Brown your mother?
00:38:21No.
00:38:22Mrs. Brown is Doreen's mother.
00:38:27At least she's based on Doreen's mother, Dolly.
00:38:29Dolly is, she's one of the rare Dublin characters that you rarely see.
00:38:35We don't see too many of them around now.
00:38:36She's an old market dealer.
00:38:37She's still a market dealer.
00:38:39And she's a character.
00:38:41Dolly loves big words, but she doesn't know how to fucking use them.
00:38:46So she'd say things to you like, as she did to me about her brother Arthur,
00:38:49or Doreen's uncle.
00:38:51She'd tell me about him.
00:38:51He was off the drink apparently, and it was a great big success.
00:38:54Two weeks, huge fucking success.
00:38:57She tells me, Arthur's off the drink two weeks now.
00:39:01You wouldn't know him.
00:39:03He's a deformed character.
00:39:05Now Arthur couldn't be described as being Mona Lisa, but he's not fucking deformed.
00:39:15I took Dolly to our very first dog racing meeting.
00:39:20And I was mad into the dogs at the time, and I brought her along to see if she'd enjoy it.
00:39:24And I sat down in the bar, and the first race I bet about 15 pounds, and Dolly handed me tampons.
00:39:30And she said, number three to win.
00:39:35Number three won.
00:39:37Second race, I did another few bets.
00:39:39Dolly hands me tampons.
00:39:40Number three to win.
00:39:41Third race, number three to win.
00:39:43Number three won the first three races.
00:39:46Dolly was up 18 pounds, and I was losing me bollocks.
00:39:49So in the fourth race, I picked out me bets, and I went to Dolly, and I took the tampons off, and I said, number three to win.
00:39:56And she said, oh no, he'd be bollocks by now.
00:39:59So that's where Mrs. Brown came from.
00:40:13I'm going to read you two of my favorite parts.
00:40:15These come from the mammy.
00:40:17In the first part, where we joined the book, Agnes Brown is nine months a widow.
00:40:23And her friend, Marion, is very worried about her, because nine months without a man is a long time.
00:40:29And Marion doesn't know how to approach the subject.
00:40:33So she begins to speak, and then stops.
00:40:36And they're sitting at their stall in Moore Street, having a cup of bovril, on a break.
00:40:43Agnes noticed that Marion was going to say something, so she eventually said,
00:40:46What? What was it?
00:40:48What do you mean?
00:40:50Said Marion innocently.
00:40:51What were you going to say?
00:40:53Not.
00:40:55You were, Marion.
00:40:56Now what was it?
00:40:56Marion prepared to speak, and Agnes waited.
00:41:01Do you miss it?
00:41:05What? Miss what?
00:41:07You know, it.
00:41:12The queer thing.
00:41:14Yeah, the queer thing.
00:41:16Agnes taught for a moment, and then took a sip of bovril.
00:41:20Nah.
00:41:21Are you serious?
00:41:23Not even a little bit?
00:41:25Nah.
00:41:25Not even a teeny bit.
00:41:27I mean, what's the bleeding mist?
00:41:29The smell of chips and Guinness being breathed all over you.
00:41:31His chin like fucking sandpaper scraping off your shoulder.
00:41:38And then the weight and the woody.
00:41:39Am I gone again?
00:41:41Ah, but making love, Agnes.
00:41:44I love me arse.
00:41:46Making babies, making more woody's, making shitty nappies, making him happy.
00:41:50And you, making you happy too.
00:41:54No, you can't say you never enjoyed it.
00:41:57There was a moment's silence.
00:42:00Marion, are you fucking sick?
00:42:03Enjoy what?
00:42:06You know, the organism.
00:42:09Agnes took a sip of her bovril.
00:42:18I never done one.
00:42:21I don't think they exist.
00:42:24Did you, I swear, Agnes?
00:42:26I done two.
00:42:28What? When?
00:42:31One, two weeks after your husband's funeral.
00:42:34And one last August of a Friday.
00:42:39Are you sure you were organisms?
00:42:42Positive.
00:42:44Agnes sifted her bovril again.
00:42:46And Marion just sat glowing with the memory of her last statement.
00:42:50What would you like?
00:42:52Massive.
00:42:54Brilliant.
00:42:56Happy Pacificus driver.
00:43:00Marion pulled the crate she was using as a seat closer to Agnes.
00:43:04Agnes reached into her apron and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
00:43:06They both lit up.
00:43:07Marion took a drag.
00:43:09Removed the piece of tobacco from her tongue with a spit.
00:43:14And began.
00:43:16Well, first I didn't know what was going on.
00:43:20He was really drunk so it was taking him longer than usual.
00:43:25He was bouncing away, up and down.
00:43:27I know that bit, get to the fucking point.
00:43:30Oh sorry, right.
00:43:35Well, I was lying there thinking to myself, if this fella doesn't evacuate soon he'd fall asleep.
00:43:40I had this feeling, a wave came over me.
00:43:51Like getting ten early marks at the bingo and you know something good is happening.
00:43:55A shiver ran through me body.
00:43:59My hips started jerking all on their own.
00:44:01I closed my eyes and it was like an explosion.
00:44:05I could see colours bursting in my mind.
00:44:09Like someone set off fireworks.
00:44:12Without me telling it to, me mouth let out a little yelp.
00:44:15He stopped and he said, sorry I didn't mean to hold you.
00:44:23I could hardly speak.
00:44:31Keep going, I whispered.
00:44:34But he just rolled over and said, I got all right.
00:44:39I wasn't into humour anyway.
00:44:45He was asleep in minutes.
00:44:49I just lay there.
00:44:50I don't know why, but after a while I started to cry.
00:45:04I wasn't sad or nothing, I just cried.
00:45:07Gas, isn't it?
00:45:09That was it.
00:45:11So what do you think?
00:45:14Agnes sat open-mouthed.
00:45:16Marion took another drag and again glanced around to be sure that nobody was listening.
00:45:21Agnes was deep in thought.
00:45:23Was that the first one or the second one?
00:45:27Both.
00:45:29They were nearly the same except on the second one I didn't cry.
00:45:32Did you tell him about them?
00:45:35Jesus, no.
00:45:37Are you kidding?
00:45:39He'd say I had fucking worms or something.
00:45:41Anyway, tell him and it'll be all over the docks in no time.
00:45:48Yeah, you're right.
00:45:52How long did they last?
00:45:55Just a couple of seconds.
00:45:57Over in the flesh.
00:45:58Well, jeez, if they're that quick, I could have had one and not noticed.
00:46:01No, Aggie, believe me, if you had one, you'd notice it for sure.
00:46:09Here, I'm off.
00:46:12Marion took the two mugs and went back to her stall.
00:46:15Within seconds, her familiar cry could be heard all down Moor Street.
00:46:18Agnes sat and pondered Marion's story and the enthusiasm of which she told it.
00:46:25Just before standing up to add her sails cry to the Moor Street melody,
00:46:29Agnes's thoughts were,
00:46:30Well, fuck you, reds are brown.
00:46:34Leaving me with seven snotty orphans and then a fucking organism to show for it.
00:46:50The second reading comes further down in the book.
00:46:52Now, you have to remember this book is set in the 60s at a time when women weren't
00:46:57encouraged to examine themselves as much as they are now.
00:46:59With the result that by the time Marion discovered that she had a lump in her breast,
00:47:03it was too late.
00:47:04And the lump she had was inoperable and she had terminal cancer.
00:47:10The problem was that Marion knew she had terminal cancer.
00:47:14And Agnes knew, Marion knew she had terminal cancer.
00:47:18And Marion knew that Agnes knew that Marion knew she had terminal cancer.
00:47:21But nobody was saying fuck all.
00:47:26One day while they're sitting having a chat at their stall in Moor Street,
00:47:29Marion announces that before she dies, she'd love to learn to drive a car.
00:47:35Agnes thought she was mad.
00:47:37What do you want to drive a car for?
00:47:39What do you want to learn to drive for and you've no car?
00:47:41You don't hear me complaining about you buying bras?
00:47:53All that day, Agnes thought about Marion's dream.
00:47:57And she kind of realised if that's all her dream is, if her dream is only to learn to drive,
00:48:02then maybe she should do it.
00:48:03So that night when they're having a drink in the local pub,
00:48:06Agnes brings up the subject.
00:48:07I was thinking about that, Marion.
00:48:10About what, Agnes?
00:48:12You learning to drive what you said today.
00:48:15Oh yeah, dreamy.
00:48:18I forgot about that.
00:48:20What about it?
00:48:21You're right.
00:48:23Am I?
00:48:24Do you think so, Agnes, really?
00:48:26Marion was getting excited now.
00:48:28Yeah, you are right.
00:48:30Do it.
00:48:30Oh, I'm delighted you agree with Agnes.
00:48:34The man in the driving school said he could take us next Tuesday night for the first one.
00:48:39Love, wait a minute.
00:48:41What do you mean?
00:48:43Us, you and me.
00:48:44I'm not getting in a car with a stranger on my own.
00:48:47Well, I'm not getting in with you.
00:48:49Who'll be driving?
00:48:50I will.
00:48:51You can fuck off.
00:48:53I'm not going to be your force victim.
00:48:56Ah, you'll be all right, Agnes.
00:48:58The car has controls on his side as well.
00:49:01It's bisexual.
00:49:05You just have to sit in the back for mortal support, that's all.
00:49:10No.
00:49:10Ah, Agnes, be a pal.
00:49:12No, no, no.
00:49:14I'll buy you a pint of cider.
00:49:16You can buy me all the cider in China.
00:49:18The answer is no.
00:49:19N-O, fucking no.
00:49:24Marion's tiny grey eyes sparkled with excitement
00:49:27as they gaze from the small elongated rear view mirror.
00:49:30Are you all right in the back, Agnes?
00:49:33Never mind me.
00:49:35You watch the fucking road.
00:49:38Agnes was terrified.
00:49:40She couldn't believe she'd let Marion talk her into this.
00:49:43Agnes, for God's sake.
00:49:44I'd hate to see you if the car was going.
00:49:51Don't touch anything.
00:49:51Do you hear me?
00:49:53Wait till a man comes out.
00:49:54Don't you touch anything.
00:49:55Oh, shite, we're moving.
00:49:58We're not, Agnes.
00:49:59Jesus, will you stop.
00:50:01If I'd known you were going to go on like this,
00:50:02I wouldn't have let you come.
00:50:04Let me come.
00:50:05You fucking drag me here, you bitch.
00:50:09Marion saw the driving instructor close the door of the office building
00:50:12and make his way to the car.
00:50:13Say nothing, Agnes.
00:50:15Here's the constructor.
00:50:19Marion sat properly in the car, facing forwards.
00:50:22The instructor walked around the vehicle with a clipboard in his hand.
00:50:26The two women's heads followed him around the car.
00:50:32What's he doing?
00:50:34Looking for a way in.
00:50:38Don't be silly, it's his car.
00:50:39He's probably doing a safety check.
00:50:44He knows if I'm thingless, he's counting the fucking wheels.
00:50:52Both women held with laughter.
00:50:55The instructor stopped and looked at the laughing women.
00:50:58They both stopped abruptly.
00:50:59Marion spoke, trying not to move her lips.
00:51:01Oh, fuck.
00:51:05He did like that.
00:51:06I can just look closer at this man now.
00:51:11He was completely bald with a flat nose.
00:51:14She whispered to Marion, Jesus, look at him.
00:51:18Look at the puss on him.
00:51:20Somebody hit him with a fucking frying pan.
00:51:25I can just fuck off.
00:51:28I'll start laughing again.
00:51:29The instructor now tapped on Marion's window.
00:51:35Marion looked at him, po-faced.
00:51:37What?
00:51:39The instructor made a fist of his hand and moved him in a circular motion.
00:51:44He wants a wank.
00:51:45Marion burst out laughing.
00:51:53Agnes covered her face with her hands.
00:51:55Well, he can fuck off.
00:51:58And the two laughed louder.
00:52:01The instructor put a hand to his mouth.
00:52:03Roll down the window, please.
00:52:07What did he say?
00:52:08He wants to know if you're a widow.
00:52:13No.
00:52:17The instructor now looked puzzled.
00:52:20Wind the knob.
00:52:24What did he say?
00:52:26Something about his knob.
00:52:28He does want a wank.
00:52:31Fuck off, you private.
00:52:33Hang on, I'll open the window.
00:52:40We'll hear them better.
00:52:43Marion opened the window and Agnes leaned forward to catch what was being said.
00:52:47Marion smiled.
00:52:49Sorry, I couldn't hear you with the window up.
00:52:52Well, that's when I was...
00:52:53Oh, never mind.
00:52:54I just want to check the brake lights to make sure they're working.
00:52:57Would you press on the brake pedal?
00:52:59Marion looked down at the pedals.
00:53:01She lifted her foot and pressed it down on one of the pedals.
00:53:04And the instructor shook his head.
00:53:05No, no, no, Mrs. Monks.
00:53:07That's the accelerator.
00:53:09We mustn't get these two mixed up.
00:53:11The brake pedal stops the car.
00:53:12The one you're pushing makes it go faster.
00:53:15I'm getting the fuck out of here.
00:53:19Marion pushed Agnes back.
00:53:21Will you relax, Agnes?
00:53:22I'm only learning.
00:53:24Now, she declared as she pushed her foot down on the brake pedal.
00:53:28That's it, said the instructor.
00:53:30And he walked to the back of the car to check the boat lights were working.
00:53:34Marion watched him in the mirror.
00:53:36Agnes turned to see him bathed in the red light.
00:53:39And Marion spoke to the back of Agnes' head.
00:53:41Will you relax?
00:53:43What'll he think of us?
00:53:44Oh, shut up.
00:53:48Who cares what he thinks?
00:53:49Look at him.
00:53:50He looks like a big penis.
00:53:54The women giggled.
00:53:56Shh, he's coming.
00:53:58Ask him his name.
00:53:59Go on, ask him.
00:54:00I bet it's Mickey.
00:54:01I betcha.
00:54:02The passenger door opened and the instructor sat into the seat.
00:54:09He slammed the door shut.
00:54:11Right, Mrs. Monks, let's begin.
00:54:13Oh, please, uh, call me Marion.
00:54:17Okay, Marion.
00:54:19And, um, what's your name?
00:54:21The two women waited expectantly.
00:54:25Oh, I'm sorry, uh, Tom.
00:54:29Oh.
00:54:31Yes, Tom O'Toole.
00:54:36The women burst into hysterical laughter.
00:54:40Tears flowed from Agnes' eyes.
00:54:43Marion gripped her stomach with both hands and bent forward until her forehead touched the steering wheel.
00:54:48Agnes fell back and rolled from side to side in the back seat.
00:54:53The instructor was startled at first, but as the laughter continued, he became very annoyed.
00:54:57Ladies, please.
00:54:59It took a little time, but the two women eventually stopped.
00:55:03The women were now infected with the dreaded giggles.
00:55:08For the moment, though, they were quiet.
00:55:11The instructor began.
00:55:12Now, turned the key and pushed the accelerator gently.
00:55:16Marion did this, and the engine gunned into life.
00:55:19That's good.
00:55:21Now, depress the clutch.
00:55:24What?
00:55:26Depress the clutch.
00:55:28Depress the...
00:55:30How do I do that?
00:55:32Before the instructor could answer, Agnes said,
00:55:35Show it your fucking electricity, Bill.
00:55:39The women were off again.
00:55:40Howling and slapping the seats.
00:55:44Rolling from side to side.
00:55:47Suddenly, Marion stopped and slumped forward.
00:55:50Agnes carried on laughing a little longer, but then noticed that Marion wasn't moving.
00:55:55She prodded Marion's back, and still with a laugh in her voice, she said,
00:55:58Hey, Marion.
00:56:00Marion.
00:56:01Marion didn't move.
00:56:03Agnes jumped up and out of the car.
00:56:05She ran to the driver's door and pulled it open.
00:56:08Marion had started to come around.
00:56:11What's wrong with me?
00:56:13Are you okay, love Jesus, Marion?
00:56:14Are you okay?
00:56:17I think so, but I feel tired.
00:56:20Has she been drinking?
00:56:22Agnes just ignored the instructor.
00:56:24She helped Marion gently out of the car and stood her against the passenger door.
00:56:28Marion looked deathly white.
00:56:31Even her lips had gone pale.
00:56:32She was shaking.
00:56:35Agnes wanted to do something, anything to help Marion, but she could think of nothing to either do or say,
00:56:39so she took Marion in her arms and she hugged her tightly.
00:56:43The instructor was now out of the car.
00:56:45If the lesson is cancelled, you know, I still have to be paid.
00:56:49How would you like me to cancel the rest of your bawly little fucking life?
00:56:52The instructor ran into the office.
00:56:59Marion and Agnes stood embracing by the car.
00:57:02The evening traffic rumbled past them on Talbot Street.
00:57:06Without being aware of it, as she held Marion,
00:57:09Agnes had mascara running down her face and she was patting Marion's back and hoarsely whispering,
00:57:14there, there, there.
00:57:28I too have a romantic streak in me.
00:57:32And it also coupled with the fact that we were very commercially minded and that we've been looking
00:57:37for a way to broaden our audience base.
00:57:39So we've been looking at acts around the country and around the world that are pulling big crowds
00:57:45and that are making people really happy and getting the biggest audiences.
00:57:48And we settled on Daniel O'Donnell.
00:57:55I've met Daniel.
00:57:55He's a wonderful guy.
00:57:56He's probably one of the nicest people in the business.
00:57:59And in the business that's surrounded by sharks, he stands out head and shoulders.
00:58:04So I have decided to become the new Daniel O'Donnell.
00:58:07Yes.
00:58:08I'm not going to call myself Daniel O'Donnell.
00:58:10Of course, that'll be ridiculous.
00:58:11I'm going to call myself Dangal O'Donnell.
00:58:15And I wrote a love song to launch my career.
00:58:18It's a country song, of course, as the best romantic music is country.
00:58:22And it's, well, we need hats, first of all.
00:58:24Oh, yes, yes, yes.
00:58:25Lovely.
00:58:25Thanks, Jimmy.
00:58:26James?
00:58:27Yeah, chair.
00:58:28Thank you, Brian.
00:58:34Y'all come back now, here.
00:58:37There's a song I wrote to launch my country romance career.
00:58:43It's a song called, uh, how can I say I love you?
00:58:49How can I say I love you?
00:58:52And it goes, uh, like this.
00:58:54I hate him.
00:59:03I don't even know I love you, and this may sound of certain.
00:59:13You've never heard me whisper those special little words.
00:59:19I really like to date you, and the sex with you is great.
00:59:28But each time I try to look in your eyes, it's always much too late.
00:59:36How can I say I love you when you're sitting on my face?
00:59:46How can I say this love is not a fart?
00:59:51How can I say this love is not a fart?
00:59:54How can I say this love is not a fart?
00:59:58How can I say this love is not a fart?
01:00:02How can I say this love is not a fart?
01:00:16Am I saying to you.
01:00:16How can I say this love is not a fart?
01:00:19I'd only like to kiss you
01:00:22Oh, you with my charms
01:00:27Run my fingers through your hair
01:00:31And hold you in my arms
01:00:34But you grab me by the scrotum
01:00:38And you turn me upside down
01:00:42And quick as a jack
01:00:44I'm flat in my back
01:00:46And you're always conceded down
01:00:52How can I say I love you
01:00:56You say blue on my face
01:01:00How can I say this love is not a farce
01:01:05You all right, baby?
01:01:07Each time I cry to tell you
01:01:11It comes out in the mirror
01:01:15Well, the words just seem to vanish
01:01:19Up your hearts
01:01:21Right up your eyes
01:01:27Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jerry Brown of
01:01:29Hank and the Wankers
01:01:31You don't hear me complainin'
01:01:43When you turn me to the bed
01:01:47You've been my soldier of fortune
01:01:51Not a single word was said
01:01:55I just wanna say I love you
01:01:59While I'm lookin' at your face
01:02:03I'm found on the ground
01:02:05With your hearts comin' down
01:02:07Like a one that takes from space
01:02:11How can I say I love you
01:02:13How can I say I love you
01:02:17When you're sittin' on my face
01:02:21How can I say my love is not a farce
01:02:27Oh, each time I try to tell you
01:02:33It comes out in the mirror
01:02:37When the words just seem to vanish
01:02:41When the words just seem to vanish
01:02:43Come on, let's say I love you
01:02:45How can I say I love you
01:02:47How can I say I love you
01:02:49When you're sittin' on my face
01:02:51How can I say my love is not a farce
01:02:55Can I say my love is not a farce
01:02:59Hey, man, each time I try to tell you
01:03:05It comes out in the mirror
01:03:09When the words just seem to vanish
01:03:13Up your hearts
01:03:15Right up your heart
01:03:23I can just see the bus close
01:03:39I'm driving from Cairic Macross
01:03:41I'll get them off
01:03:43And they'll see my friends
01:03:45Sign me pension book
01:03:47That's the kind of chicks I pull
01:03:51They have to pull their niggers down to scratch their nipples.
01:04:01Yeah, you know what I mean, lads.
01:04:04Okay, let's have a look at some of the questions.
01:04:06I'm only doing some of them because there's some very sick fuckers here tonight.
01:04:13There's going some Glen Verdom.
01:04:16Pallyfermit.
01:04:17This is a one-man show. How come Jerry Brown is in a two?
01:04:22Because that's what we fucking want, Glen.
01:04:29Hey Brendan, what are you doing after this show?
01:04:32Last time I met you we had a drink together in a good time.
01:04:37Why don't we do the same and maybe this time a little bit of smoochy, moochy, moochy?
01:04:42Noel Clancy, where are you?
01:04:45No, fuck off. Get your own boyfriend.
01:04:50How many times would you orgasm a night?
01:04:54From Janice O'Reilly.
01:04:56You just make me fucking laugh, girls.
01:04:59One good one does me.
01:05:02Girls make me laugh.
01:05:03Oh, I'm not happy to laugh 40 orgasms.
01:05:06You could just have a dildo that takes diesel.
01:05:07Dear Brendan, in the Irish Times review of the show on Monday, the writer used the term scatological humor.
01:05:24What does that mean, Joan Reardon?
01:05:26Joan, I haven't a fucking clue.
01:05:27I can only hope it means big dick.
01:05:31Why, since you're making so much money, haven't you bought a bleeding toupee for over...
01:05:39Who would come and see the little hairy comedian?
01:05:45I've seen some of the toupees. Have you seen them?
01:05:51Like fucking dead rats on fellas' heads.
01:05:57I'm not one of these fellas guys that has the banjo strings.
01:06:00You know these banjo strings?
01:06:02One whiff of wind.
01:06:04Hair down to here on this side.
01:06:06Or at this stage they're combing it up under their fucking arms.
01:06:08Not for me.
01:06:14If you could change a part of your body, what would it be?
01:06:21I'd lengthen my spine so I could give myself a blowjob.
01:06:27Carols, I'll tell you something.
01:06:29You're very lucky that we can't give ourselves blowjobs.
01:06:32Because if we could, you'd be here on your fucking own tonight.
01:06:35Watching an empty stage, I might add.
01:06:39This one comes from Margaret Connolly.
01:06:44Do you still pay your ESB bill out of the kids' savings boxes now that you're posh?
01:06:49No, I just pay it.
01:06:51No, it's great to be able to pay it when it comes in.
01:06:53I'll get in for the draw for the car.
01:06:55Me and two other fellas.
01:06:57We didn't pay our ESB bill.
01:07:00We used to have a meter.
01:07:02You know, the meters in the house and fingers.
01:07:03And we never paid it for it.
01:07:04We used to take washers and everything.
01:07:06I'll tell you, well you had to.
01:07:08See on my road, if you paid your ESB bill on my road, the guards would be wanting to know where you got the fucking money.
01:07:11What happened to your plot that comes from Johnny Brocken?
01:07:24Well Johnny, I'll tell you what happened to my plot.
01:07:26In 1994, John Aldridge, Noel Quinn and Ronnie Whelan held me down in a bar in Orlando.
01:07:34And Gary Kelly and Jason McAteer cut me plot off with a lemon knife.
01:07:38Now in their defense, I have to say, we were all pissed drunk at the time.
01:07:43Locked.
01:07:44That would be a fucking great idea.
01:07:47I noticed the next morning when we woke up, they had all their fucking hair.
01:07:54Anyway, when I came back from the World Cup, I grew up back.
01:07:57And only last August, I was doing a part in a film, a movie in England, in which I was playing a solicitor.
01:08:04And the solicitor I was playing didn't have a plait, so I had to cut it off again.
01:08:07I can only thank God he had a Mickey.
01:08:12I draw the fucking line out of that.
01:08:15I am not Daniel Day-Lewis.
01:08:17He's no Mickey. Oh, give me a knife.
01:08:20Fuck off.
01:08:24Sean Lemus asks, what's your favorite drink?
01:08:26Brendan, my favorite drink is Brandy and LucasAid.
01:08:29The Brandy makes me Randy and the LucasAid gives me the fucking energy.
01:08:38These two are the same.
01:08:41Did you ever do it up against a wall with a tall girl?
01:08:50Goes from Louise Sweeney, who's six foot two.
01:08:52Wherever you are, Louise, thanks for the question.
01:08:54Could you, Louise, could you imagine me and you against a fucking wall?
01:08:57Me there, hugging your knees.
01:09:00I bet like a fucking Jack Russell.
01:09:08But you know, Louise brings up a very interesting point because, eh,
01:09:12we've left my childhood behind.
01:09:15But before we do, I mean, of course, one part of your childhood which is very important.
01:09:18And that little bit I do about the sanitary tales of girls,
01:09:21I just want to acknowledge to you that I do understand how difficult a time
01:09:24and how horrible a time girls have all of their lives.
01:09:27And that we do, men do understand it.
01:09:29Having said that, we're sympathetic, but we don't want to have the fucking thing for you.
01:09:33Because we've got our own problems.
01:09:38Oh, you may think it's trite.
01:09:41But I can tell you, you should spare a thought for the young man going through puberty alone.
01:09:46It's a horrible, horrible...
01:09:49I remember the first day I found I had a hair on me Mickey.
01:09:52I got the fright of my sight.
01:09:55I stood there going, Jesus Christ!
01:09:57That's where they're going.
01:09:58That's where they're going.
01:10:05I went in and told me mother.
01:10:08She said, that's to keep your willy warm.
01:10:11We were in New York last week, it was minus 26.
01:10:14It doesn't fucking work.
01:10:16I went around for the week with a half a walnut.
01:10:20Didn't see me Mickey until I got to Shannon.
01:10:22I also remember my very first horn.
01:10:28Most fellas remember that.
01:10:30That first morning you wake up at nine o'clock to find your Mickey's been awake since half eight.
01:10:35You're lying in the bed and the bed's like a tent.
01:10:38And your mother brings in a cup of tea in the bed.
01:10:40Now, love, there's a drop of tea for you.
01:10:44Put your knee down.
01:10:45You get out of bed, you don't know what the fucking do with it.
01:10:51You go into the toilet, you want to have a piss, he wants to look at the fucking lampshade.
01:10:55You point him at the bowl, he pisses in the sink.
01:11:00And we don't know what to do with it because nobody teaches us anything about that.
01:11:04We have no lessons.
01:11:05And you can't ask your friends because you've already told them you're doing that two years.
01:11:14So you don't know what to do.
01:11:15So what you do is you admire it.
01:11:17Strip off, stand in the mirror.
01:11:35Oh!
01:11:36Oh!
01:11:37Oh!
01:11:39Oh!
01:11:41Oh!
01:11:43Oh!
01:11:45Oh!
01:11:47Oh!
01:11:49Oh!
01:11:51Oh!
01:11:52Oh!
01:11:54Oh!
01:11:56That moment of discovery.
01:11:58It doesn't take as long to become experts, lads.
01:12:00You never become experts, lads.
01:12:09Girls, can I just say this?
01:12:11You never become experts.
01:12:13I know you try, I know you do, but you're fucking brutal at it.
01:12:16If I was to say, ladies, put your hand up in the wanking position,
01:12:19you'd get 500 different shapes.
01:12:22I mean, what's this, girls?
01:12:25It's a Mickey.
01:12:31It's not a fucking video game.
01:12:37Some of you think it's a bottle of fucking vinegar.
01:12:44And even when you do it, you're...
01:12:46I will, wait, give me a minute.
01:12:49Gotcha.
01:12:51Ready.
01:12:53Fucking dirt of it.
01:12:55Steady.
01:12:59Jesus Christ!
01:13:02Girls, when we say pull it off,
01:13:04we don't mean pull the fucking thing off.
01:13:09After 12 seconds, your Mickey's like a bit of chewing gum.
01:13:23Puberty is wonderful, but nothing prepares you for when you get older,
01:13:34when you get over puberty.
01:13:35Nothing prepares you for love.
01:13:41And I'm talking about love.
01:13:44I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about love.
01:13:48Because I've discovered, and I learned at a very early age,
01:13:51that nothing matches that feeling of love.
01:13:56Lying beside somebody who loves you, who you love,
01:13:59and lying naked beside them, holding them,
01:14:01feeling their flesh against you.
01:14:03I have to have a wank.
01:14:05I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about love.
01:14:20Love.
01:14:22Married men know when they're in love.
01:14:25Married men know when, out of love, sex is going to happen.
01:14:28Because you take your wife to dinner.
01:14:30And it's during dinner, you can find out whether or not it's going to happen.
01:14:33Because you can see what the way she's eating.
01:14:35You know, she's like that.
01:14:44It's a little man in your head going,
01:14:45I'm going to get me oil, going to get me oil.
01:14:54Love is when you get a chance to say things to a girl, you know.
01:14:57Like the moon shines in your hair.
01:15:07Your eyes sparkle like the stars in a winter's night.
01:15:12You don't sweat much for a fat girl.
01:15:16All those nice things.
01:15:24Don't get me around, I'm not saying that sex is not important.
01:15:26Of course it's important.
01:15:27But it's not, you know.
01:15:34I'm describing your life to you, am I not?
01:15:43The sex bit is not as attractive as love.
01:15:46Sex is great, I like it.
01:15:47Don't get me wrong.
01:15:48Fuck, it's great.
01:15:49But you know, you wouldn't want to see a video of yourself the next day, would you?
01:15:52You know.
01:15:53You know.
01:15:55Licking under somebody's fucking arm.
01:15:58That wasn't me, no.
01:15:59Fuck, that wasn't me, no, no.
01:16:00I wouldn't do that.
01:16:01Fucking sure you would.
01:16:02Once you're naked and she says, put your leg over.
01:16:04No, fuck.
01:16:05No, no.
01:16:10I couldn't look at it, I couldn't.
01:16:11There's a lot of friends, some of my friends have mirrors over the bed.
01:16:15For what?
01:16:16Fuck.
01:16:21So you can get a creak in your neck watching your own ass go up and down.
01:16:26I slept in a bed in New York last week and I had a mirror over the bed.
01:16:29I'm in the bed with me fucking own.
01:16:31I fell asleep, forgot all about it.
01:16:33Woke up the next morning, got the fright of me, shite.
01:16:36It's a body fellow, I'm making the hand coming down.
01:16:38Ah!
01:16:46And then there's the orgasm.
01:16:49Oh, girls, I wish you could see your face in the orgasm.
01:16:54You start off with this head, what's this head rocking thing, you know.
01:17:00What the fuck is that?
01:17:02Where do you want to get a kiss?
01:17:03It's like trying to kiss a kangaroo's arse.
01:17:12And then when the orgasm comes, you stop and look at us like fucking Freddy's nightmare.
01:17:26Look off!
01:17:30The fellas are no better.
01:17:34Lads, the girls know when we're a long way from orgasm because we smile at them.
01:17:47Once you get close to orgasm, it gets very fucking serious.
01:17:49Change gear.
01:18:03And then the orgasm is a little pause.
01:18:04Yes!
01:18:10Yes!
01:18:12Yes!
01:18:14Now the bed's out and the fucking landing.
01:18:16Two more yeses, you meet the mint man.
01:18:18Yes!
01:18:19Two points, please.
01:18:20Yes!
01:18:23Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your evening with Brendan O'Carroll.
01:18:24Thanks for making of that!
01:18:25Thanks.
01:18:26Thank you for making it sound.
01:18:28Thank you!
01:18:30Thanks.