Amid today's unholy drivel, some facts aren't flexible: gay men have the best yard sales, emotions can break your brain, | dG1fVTMxR2cwZzRGd1U
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00:00My best friend and his wife flew into town and brought their six-month-old baby daughter with them.
00:07And they let me hold the baby.
00:09And that's a big goddamn deal, okay?
00:12Because they trusted me to hold, and I hope I'm pantomiming holding the baby correctly.
00:19Because if you've never held the baby, it is a beautiful, enriching experience
00:23where you have a beautiful, malleable, and innocent life form who trusts you
00:29with everything.
00:31And that's a huge responsibility for one human to another.
00:35And it was so amazing.
00:38And she reached up with her little finger and touched my lips,
00:41and I was like, holy fuck, this hurts inside.
00:44I want one of these so bad.
00:45I want a baby.
00:50And my brain goes, hey, you're starting to get overly emotional.
00:56And our shield against public emotions and shows of weakness are to make jokes
01:02so that we can sort of break the ice.
01:05So what we should do right now is something to break the moment up.
01:08And I go, you're right, brain.
01:10Let's do that.
01:11And my brain goes, let's just use the nickname, just a cute nickname.
01:22And we will just call the baby a cute nickname, and then that'll make it okay.
01:26And they'll laugh, and you'll laugh, and it's innocent.
01:29And so I pick the nickname, and it's going around in a circle down my brain,
01:35through my cerebellum, through my spinal column.
01:36It's about to come out of my mouth.
01:40You ever had another word take the emergency staircase?
01:47Shoulder check that fucking word?
01:52Until what comes out of your mouth is like eight different words.
01:56And it's okay when you do it.
01:58It's innocent, and it's like a brain fart, and you're like, ah, blab him.
02:01And that doesn't mean anything.
02:02But it's not okay when you are holding your best friend's six-month-old baby daughter.
02:09And what comes out of your mouth is,
02:12who's Uncle Derek's little cookie pussy?
02:16That is not okay.
02:20That is never okay.
02:28Here's your baby back.
02:29I'm really sorry about that.
02:32I'm going to go talk to my brain for a second,
02:38and figure out what the fuck a cookie pussy is.
02:43It's two of my favorite goddamn words separately.
02:47Never together.
02:48Never.
02:49Those two words should never meet.
02:51What the brain?
02:53What the fuck?
02:53And a cookie pussy?
02:55Ah!
02:56Why would you want to?
02:57Ah!
02:58And it's probably oatmeal raisin,
03:00the least tasty cookie pussy of all.
03:02It's not fun for anybody.
03:04Everybody's disappointed.
03:05They came to the party.
03:06They were hoping for some chocolate fudge chunk.
03:08You give them fucking oatmeal raisin pussy,
03:10they're out of there.
03:11No fun for anybody.
03:12They came to the party.
03:12They came to the party.
03:13They came to the party.
03:13They came to the party.
03:13They came to the party.
03:13They came to the party.
03:14They came to the party.
03:14They came to the party.
03:15They came to the party.
03:15They came to the party.
03:16They came to the party.
03:17They came to the party.
03:17They came to the party.
03:18They came to the party.
03:18They came to the party.
03:19They came to the party.
03:19They came to the party.
03:20You