Whether single, looking for a partner or divorced – what happens when young Indonesians decide to look for love their way?
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00:00What's special about being single in Indonesia?
00:09These four young people are swimming against the tide.
00:12In deeply religious Indonesian society, marriage is the ideal.
00:17If you don't conform, you stand out.
00:20Divorced women are seen as seducers of men.
00:26My parents are always asking when I'll get married.
00:31Why are you pressuring me? I can find love myself.
00:36Whether single, looking for a partner or divorced,
00:40what happens when young Indonesians decide to go their own way in matters of the heart?
00:56Fahri Akbar Maulana appears to have it all.
01:05Loving parents, plenty of friends, a university degree and a doctoral post in Singapore.
01:11There's only one thing missing. A wife.
01:15My mom would regularly introduce me to random women every two or three weeks.
01:24She'd say, son, I have a friend. Would you like to get to know them?
01:28And I just thought, why are you pressuring me? I can find love myself.
01:35I'm fed up with this. It's affecting my self-confidence.
01:38Do you think I can't do it by myself?
01:43Fahri is 26 and aiming to start work on his doctoral thesis.
01:47Marriage? It's just not a priority.
01:50But his mother says the clock is ticking.
01:54According to the Indonesian statistics office,
01:56the average age of marriage for men is 27.1 years and 22.4 years for women.
02:03Often individual plans and goals can't withstand the weight of social expectations.
02:11But what do traditional Indonesian parents want?
02:15To help us understand, Fahri calls his mother.
02:18As a mother, this is how I see it.
02:29As soon as he has his own family, he'll have more responsibility.
02:34That's why when he moves to Singapore for his PhD,
02:37I'd like him to have a companion.
02:40Someone to lean on.
02:43A steady anchor, along with his parents.
02:46Fahri used to make his own decisions, with support from his dad.
02:55But since his father's death, he knows he'll do his mother's bidding.
03:00With more than 280 million inhabitants,
03:03Indonesia is the world's most populous Muslim nation.
03:07The country has around 17,000 islands.
03:10And as well as the cultural diversity that this brings,
03:13society is characterised by religion and tradition.
03:21Marriage is regarded as the foundation of and prerequisite for a good Muslim life.
03:26It's a social duty towards society and the family.
03:29A pressure that's also taking its toll on Fahri Maulana.
03:33I'd like to find my life partner myself.
03:42My mum was always introducing women to me, her friends' daughters and so on.
03:48Which left me thinking, why can't I do my own searching?
03:52Who am I?
03:54Fahri decided to try Taruf, a dating process that complies with strict Islamic values.
04:04Romantic meetings between men and women are taboo,
04:07so instead formal introductions take place with a facilitator.
04:11These are aimed at securing a quick, binding marriage commitment.
04:15Previously organised within families,
04:19today Taruf is increasingly taking place online.
04:22Prospective participants register and answer questions like,
04:26what does success mean to you?
04:28How ready are you for marriage on a scale of 1 to 10?
04:31Or, should a wife be permitted to work?
04:34Couples are matched depending on their answers.
04:37If we're getting to know each other through Taruf,
04:43there are clear boundaries.
04:46Men and women are separated.
04:49This means we don't meet face to face often.
04:52And online you can get to know the other person better, initially.
04:57Maybe we've got the same vision and mission in life.
05:02Will Fahri find love this way?
05:11At the same time, a parallel online world has developed in Indonesia.
05:15With apps like Musmatch, Taruf ID, or Time Left,
05:19young people are searching for love in a balancing act
05:22between liberal self-image and conservative control.
05:25Husnal Khotima is one such app user.
05:30Although she's got a good job in television,
05:32that's not enough for her family.
05:34My parents are always asking me when I'm getting married,
05:42especially because I'm the eldest child.
05:45So every Wednesday I take part in this dinner organised through the app.
05:50Jakarta, a metropolis with more than 10 million residents.
05:57A place where it's sometimes difficult to meet new people.
06:00Dating apps don't just offer the chance to find love,
06:03but also a sense of community.
06:05You need to come with an open mind and an open heart
06:12where you get to talk about anything at all,
06:14because that's the way that the dinners are structured.
06:16And if you find love, that's a bonus.
06:19But it's not the main purpose.
06:21The main purpose is to be together with like-minded people
06:24or different people in different industries,
06:26have a great time on a Wednesday night,
06:28and build meaningful connections.
06:31Even after couples embark on the marriage journey together,
06:35smooth sailing isn't always guaranteed.
06:38For many, that's when the real pressure begins.
06:41If the outcome is divorce, society often takes a very dim view.
06:46This although, just as in other countries,
06:48the divorce rate in Indonesia has been steadily rising.
06:52The Indonesian Statistics Agency says the number of divorces
06:56is increasing by an average of 6% each year,
06:59and has more than doubled since 2007.
07:0270% are initiated by women, a surprising fact.
07:07In Indonesia, singles already feel a lot of social pressure.
07:11But why do divorced people have an even harder time?
07:14Oh, it turns out Indonesia is still old-fashioned.
07:21Divorcees are accused of being seducers of men,
07:26or unable to stand on their own two feet.
07:29Basically, the image is negative.
07:35Meli's been divorced for three years.
07:44The couple separated much earlier.
07:46After she caught her husband cheating, she says.
07:49The decision wasn't an easy one for her,
07:51not least because in Indonesia,
07:53there's inadequate legal protection for women.
07:56Indonesian marriage law views the husband as the head of the family.
08:00When couples separate, women often end up sacrificing
08:03both economic security and social support.
08:08After years without professional experience,
08:10many divorced women struggle to get back on the job ladder.
08:15And they're also confronted with social stigma.
08:24The worst thing in Indonesia is that many men think
08:26they can just make a pass at me.
08:29And most of them are married.
08:36While women struggle with social exclusion and financial insecurity,
08:40divorced men are under pressure to stabilize their social status
08:44as quickly as possible and enter into a new marriage straight away.
08:48People say, oh, he's divorced.
08:58But cool.
08:59He's wealthy.
09:00He's done well.
09:01But these expectations from society are a huge burden for those affected.
09:07They're a huge burden for those affected.
09:09Wow, I can give them the expectations.
09:10Wow, I can give them better than before.
09:14From the past.
09:15From the past.
09:17Furman got divorced three years ago.
09:18It was a hard decision for him too.
09:21But in this case, religious differences were to blame for the split.
09:26His family supported him.
09:29Today, his five-year-old son lives with his mother and grandmother,
09:33visiting him as a rare treat.
09:35Furman would like to see more empathy.
09:37For men too, seeking help should be a matter of course.
09:44I'd like to talk things through and get advice.
09:48If you bottle everything up, it often leads to psychological problems.
09:51I see that time and time again.
09:57It's absolutely legitimate to look for a space to move on.
10:02Especially for people with a similar background to mine.
10:14Melly's found her space, a support group.
10:16Save Janda, or Save Divorced Women, tries to help women rebuild their self-esteem after divorce.
10:24And restore a sense of hope.
10:2880% of the women at Save Janda are victims of domestic violence.
10:33The primary reason for a divorce in Indonesia.
10:37Women in this country are still second-class citizens.
10:42Men simply have more opportunities.
10:46Being a woman in Indonesia is a challenge in itself, let alone a divorced woman.
10:55And if you've got children as well, and you're a single parent,
11:00it's a double challenge.
11:05Mutiara Prohuman, the founder of Save Janda, says,
11:08As long as Indonesia's patriarchal culture persists, the stigmatization of divorced women will continue.
11:16Returning to Fakhri, he's got news for us.
11:20The Taruf was a success.
11:22There's a woman in his life, and we ask if a wedding's on the cards.
11:26And, will you get married?
11:29God willing. There'll be a marriage.
11:31Are you happy?
11:33Yes, thank God.
11:35After a long search, many introductions and detours, we've finally made it.
11:39A few months later, Fakhri marries his fiancée, Andin, in a Muslim ceremony.
11:50Whereas some are happy to honour societal expectations and traditions,
11:55others make a conscious decision to do things differently.
11:57The stories of Fakhri, Husnal, Thurman and Melly show,
12:04love is private, but how it's dealt with is political.
12:08Treading the fine line between familial pressure, religious duty and growing self-confidence,
12:14Indonesia's singles are trying out new ways to live.
12:18To be continued.