- 5 months ago
Letterkenny Season 5 Episode 5 Back to Back to Back
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TVTranscript
00:01You went shopping for a whiskey night the other day.
00:10That's a big fuck-off bottle of Gus and Brew.
00:13Let's better be looking at it than looking for it.
00:15You boys getting into it tonight?
00:17Yeah, it's a Texas size 10-4.
00:19That's a Texas size 2-6.
00:21That's a Texas Mickey, Super Shooters. Let's get cracking.
00:25Wayne.
00:26What's the problem, Kate?
00:28It happened again.
00:30What did?
00:31Gus left a Mr. Big on the floor this morning.
00:34No, he never.
00:35He dropped a Hershey bar in the living room just last Tuesday.
00:38Although, upon closer inspection, it did look more like a Hershey's Mint.
00:41Well, I'd sooner believe that was you, Squirly Dan.
00:44So watch how you speak on his name, you know?
00:46Good buddy. He left a Twix on the floor just yesterday.
00:49And what made it a Twix as opposed to a Big Turk, Dave?
00:53Well, there are two of them.
00:55They're identical and they're side by each.
00:57Over and out.
00:58How would you ask somebody if you wanted just one of their Twix's?
01:02Well, just what you said.
01:04Can I have one of your Twix's?
01:06No, it'd be, can I have a Twix?
01:07In any event, it's starting to look like Willy Wonka's emptying his pockets around your house, good buddy.
01:12Now you've realized the weight of these allegations, these accusations.
01:16Can confirm.
01:18And you've realized the consequences at hand should your claim be false.
01:21Claims as is, and can confirms.
01:23I'm gonna give you this one more chance to retract.
01:26No questions asked.
01:29Before this conversation becomes a confrontation.
01:32Oh, we wouldn't be bringing it to you if it weren't worth being broughten, but...
01:35Bring it on.
01:36Oh, it has been broughten.
01:41I'm just kidding around.
01:43He's a ten-year-old boy now.
01:45He's made me proud for a goddamn decade.
01:47He's been a real good bull.
01:49He's been such a bull.
01:51But he's a senior now.
01:53He's on the home stretch.
01:54I'm gonna let him enjoy it.
01:56Snoozing on the furniture.
01:58Lots of human food.
02:00Alicia's so long now, she's limp.
02:02And he's earned it.
02:03So you're just gonna let him drop baby roofs all over the house?
02:07Supposed to what, Katie?
02:08Just give him a real good stern talking to.
02:11Oh yeah, and how's that gonna shake down?
02:13He's probably half-fucking-death.
02:15Aren't you a fucking geezer?
02:16The same way it shook down for the last decade before he stopped disciplining him just cause he's old.
02:21Okay, Katie.
02:22Katie, okay.
02:23I'm going in.
02:24Wish me luck.
02:27Alright.
02:28Was that you leaving crispy crunchers all over the floor?
02:32Cause that's a bad dog.
02:33Don't you do that again.
02:34That's bad.
02:35Lickety-split.
02:37Oh, that's a wee bit aggressive.
02:39Oh, is that what I'm being, Derry?
02:40What's your problem you're talking to over there?
02:42Fairly accused Tory.
02:43I'd say it gave him the benefit of the doubt.
02:45I wouldn't.
02:46Well, you didn't even ask him if he did it there.
02:48You just assumed.
02:49I think you're better than that.
02:50Okay, Derry.
02:51Derry, okay.
02:52I'm going back in.
02:53Wish me luck.
02:55Alright.
02:56Was that you leaving Jersey Melis on the floor because that's bad?
03:01If that was you, that was bad.
03:03Don't you do that again.
03:04Here, because I'm bad.
03:07You're not taking this seriously.
03:09Was that what I'm not doing, Katie?
03:11No, you're joking around and he knows it.
03:13It's a bad boy.
03:14It's a bad boy.
03:16Hey, he knows that I'm joking but he doesn't know that you're joking.
03:20Don't say bad unless you mean bad.
03:22I'm sorry, Gus.
03:24That's okay.
03:25He's a good boy.
03:26He's such a boy.
03:27Why don't you just try using your real voice?
03:29It may permeate better.
03:31Okay, Katie.
03:32Katie, okay.
03:33I'm going back in.
03:34Wish me luck.
03:35Hey, bud.
03:37I noticed that you've been leaving caramelks all over the floor.
03:40You know what's going to happen?
03:41Someone's going to step on one tonight and take a header.
03:44Someone's going to pull a full gainer down the stairs.
03:46Or at the very least a half gainer.
03:48So what you want to do is do that outside like a good boy.
03:52Please and thanks.
03:54I think we're almost there.
03:56Oh, is that what you almost are squirrely, Dan?
03:58Well, Professor Trisha says that when you're bringing the complaints to someone,
04:01they'll be more receptive to altering their behavior if you make it your problem.
04:05Make it personal rather than placing the blames on them.
04:09What are you fucking getting on about over there?
04:12May I?
04:13Okay, Dan.
04:14Dan, okay.
04:15Go on in.
04:16Good luck.
04:18Gus, how are you now?
04:20Now, we've all noticed the coffee crisps around the house,
04:24and that's completely natural and nothing for you to be embarrassed about.
04:28But I am quite worried if I'm going to slip on one and take a full gainer,
04:32or please look at me when I'm talking, Gus.
04:34Now, while I know that that is my problem,
04:37I know you don't want this to happen any more than I do,
04:40so I'm hoping we can work together to find a resolution to this problem.
04:44But besides that, we want you to know we think you're doing a terrific job around here,
04:49and we don't want to bother you any more than we need to,
04:51so you have yourselves a great day.
04:55I'm not going to make you sit through that buttfuckery, bud.
04:58Where you go?
04:59You're a good boy.
05:00Where you go?
05:01Where you go?
05:02Where you go?
05:03Look, I know he's just snoozing on the furniture all day,
05:06but you take him out for routine number twos.
05:0910-4?
05:10You try taking him out, Katie.
05:11He doesn't want to.
05:12He could say,
05:13Hey Gus, you want to rock one?
05:14And if he could talk, he'd say,
05:16I've had to rock one for a good seven, eight hours.
05:18Don't worry about that right now.
05:20I'm going to grab another quick 20-25 shut-eye here.
05:23We'll circle back on the conversation later.
05:25But how about it's a good itch and send us scratches in the meantime?
05:28Whew.
05:29Smells like Mr. Wonka's just emptied his pockets in the other room.
05:38Fuck.
05:39Well, everybody up.
05:41Help me look.
05:43Better to be looking at it than looking for it, eh?
05:47Ladies.
05:48Women.
05:49It has come to our attention that there may be a young man who has come between you girls.
06:09Come in.
06:10How do you mean?
06:11Well, Betty Ann, Mary Ann, we were told that you may be going for the same guy.
06:20Or, or that the same guy may be going for both of you.
06:25Impossible.
06:26How do you mean?
06:27The last guy that was into Mary Ann was the priest at Catholic school in grade six.
06:32And only because he thought she was a boy.
06:35Well done, Betty Ann.
06:36Catholic school, grade six.
06:38Isn't that the same year you got the nickname Fisted Sister?
06:42Which you gave yourself?
06:44Ladies.
06:45Women.
06:46And a fitting nickname it was, Betty Ann.
06:49Your mitt looks like a boa constrictor unhinged its jaw in an effort to consume a combat submarine.
06:55Speaking of consumption, your mitt looks like the drooping jowls of a sharp hay with palsy and a water wing in its mouth.
07:03Your mitt looks like the back of Kelsey Grammer's head circa Frazier 94, if the cast each autographed his bald spot with multicolored lipsticks.
07:13Your mitt has more spider webs than a no doubt setless Mary Ann.
07:17Betty Ann?
07:18Betty Ann, your mitt is so dusty I can hear it singing son of a preacher man.
07:23We gotta go to the source, buddy.
07:26It's our only hope, buddy.
07:27Fair enough.
07:29I'm not helping you titfuckers or those twats.
07:33Give your balls a tug.
07:34There's a lot in the line here, Shorezy.
07:36You wanna talk about lines, you fucking loser?
07:39I woke up to your mom ripping dick dingers off my foreskin.
07:42Tell her to keep her hands off my scoops.
07:45Fuck you, Shorezy.
07:47Fuck you, Jonesy.
07:48I made your mom cum so hard they made a Canadian Heritage Minute out of it and Don McKellar played my dick.
07:54Fuck you, Shorezy.
07:56Fuck you, Riley.
07:57I made your mom so wet Trudeau deployed a 24-hour infantry unit to stack sandbags around my bed.
08:04Fuck you, Shorezy.
08:06Fuck you both, your lives are so fucking pathetic.
08:09I ran a charity 15k to raise awareness for it, you fucking losers.
08:27Where is he?
08:28He was supposed to be here an hour ago.
08:31Everyone stay composed.
08:32I'm going to sever Edward's planches one by one and force beat them to him fondue style.
08:38Your terms are not acceptable, Rolt.
08:40I'm going to rip off his ears and use them to tickle his face.
08:44Oh, Jesus Christ.
08:46I'm going to scalp the mother's skin, wear it like a costume, and perform the Rocky Horror Picture Show in its entirety while he watches.
08:54I need to lie down.
08:55The end is nigh.
08:56Stuart!
08:57Would you come down here, please?
09:01Everett.
09:02Hey, dude.
09:03Did you hear all of that?
09:04Bits and pieces.
09:05Something about a picture show in the Rockies.
09:07Everett!
09:08Give me the third way.
09:09Stuart.
09:10Glenn?
09:11Stuart.
09:12Stuart.
09:13Glenn?
09:14Stuart.
09:15Glenn?
09:16Stuart.
09:17Glenn.
09:18This is...
09:19No, it's not!
09:20An intervention.
09:21Rolt!
09:22Stuart!
09:23You're!
09:24Stuart.
09:25Give me the turquoise.
09:30Stuart.
09:34Glenn?
09:37Stuart.
09:40Glenn.
09:42This is...
09:43No, it's not!
09:44...an intervention.
09:45Rolled!
09:48Stuart.
09:49Rolled!
09:51Stuart.
09:55Okay.
09:56Unhand, Rolledie.
10:02Come.
10:05Sit.
10:09Stay.
10:13Oh, I like you.
10:16You're coming with me and Glenn.
10:18Where?
10:20To a place where you can get away.
10:23Yeah.
10:24You can't mean.
10:26No, yes, Stuart.
10:27You don't mean.
10:29Yes, Stuart.
10:30No!
10:31Stuart.
10:32You're going to rehab.
10:33No!
10:34Yes.
10:35No!
10:36Yes.
10:37No!
10:40Yes.
10:41No!
10:42No!
10:47Ladies.
10:49Women.
10:51Sorry.
10:53Um, we spoke with Shorzy.
10:55You did?
10:56And?
10:57And he, um...
10:58What?
11:00He said...
11:01What?
11:03He said you suck at hockey.
11:08Huh?
11:09Yeah.
11:10Uh, he said you should stick to ringette.
11:13Huh?
11:14Yeah.
11:15He said you should never, ever let a woman do a man's job.
11:20He did?
11:21Yeah.
11:22Yeah, I was standing there like, what is this guy saying?
11:27And then he said who let the broads out of the kitchen.
11:30He did not.
11:31Yeah.
11:32And we were like, what?
11:34You can't say that.
11:35And he was like, yeah I can.
11:37They should be making me my supper.
11:39I was like...
11:41Did he?
11:42Yeah.
11:43I mean, more like, dude.
11:45You're...
11:47Crazy.
11:48Then he said, I mean, how do they find time for hockey
11:52while they're cleaning the floors and doing my laundry?
11:55Did he?
11:56Yeah.
11:57And that's not even, that's not even the craziest part.
12:00Like, we were, and believe us, we had had enough at this point,
12:04but we were all like, well, are you sure about this?
12:06And he was like, anybody can go back to back.
12:10Yeah.
12:11We were like, dude, you better stop talking about those girls like that.
12:16Better stop talking about those women like that.
12:20But he said, talk to me when they go back to back to back.
12:25That's what he said.
12:32Marianne.
12:33What rhymes with hip, lip, and dip?
12:34Ship.
12:35What rhymes with coat, note, and tote?
12:36Boat.
12:37Why don't you say you, me, and the girls put another one on the water?
12:40Back to back to back!
12:42Yeah!
12:43Yeah!
12:44Yeah!
13:03That's good.
13:06Yeah!
13:07Yeah!
13:08Mm-hmm.
13:10Yeah!
13:11Yeah!
13:12In the legend.
13:13Yeah!
13:14Yeah!
13:15I just love that, for the mess!
13:17Yeah!
13:18Yeah!
13:19Yeah!
13:20I just love it!
13:23Yeah!
13:24But I love it!
14:55Well, it's better to be looking at it than looking for it.
14:59How about our very own Shamrockettes?
15:01Playing for the fucking ship.
15:02When a local team plays for the championship, that's something the whole town can get behind.
15:07It creates a pretty good sense community, too.
15:09And a Siri sweeps, no less.
15:11A wee bit of Merrill's sweep.
15:12Mmm, sweeping wolf's clothing.
15:14The lion sweeps tonight.
15:16Drive safe.
15:19Siri gets out of rehab today, so I'm keeping it local.
15:22Pitter-patter.
15:23Wayne?
15:32Dwayne?
15:33Daryl.
15:34Cheryl.
15:34Dan.
15:35Dan?
15:35See you's brought your brooms.
15:37Shop's not bought a couple side rolls down, though.
15:39Oh, you didn't hear?
15:41We're working for Sweep Country Canada now.
15:43Don't fear the sweeper.
15:45Why don't you use those brooms and show us that little dance those fellas doing Merrick Poppins?
15:49We offer you a beer.
15:50Are we sweepings with the enemies, or...?
15:52Yeah, you should've used those brooms to sweep the cobwebs off of Letter Kenny's trophy case.
15:56Well, it's good you got the beer sorted, but is that Donegal tap water still stinky, or...?
16:01He's got a liberal amount of beer there.
16:03Not sure it's going to be enough to drown your sorrows after we shit-kick you today.
16:07These are on the brink of elimination.
16:09Read it and sweep.
16:10Hey, win or lose, these guys have still got the most ostrich fuckers per capita, right?
16:16That's a big picture.
16:17Allegedly.
16:18Bet you wish you could put your head in the sand and ignore that one, huh?
16:21May the best town win.
16:31Ladies.
16:32None finer than you, Mary Ann.
16:35Women.
16:36None more admirable than you, Betty Ann.
16:38We've overcome adversity.
16:41We've found a way to win.
16:47Let's get this fuckin' win!
16:49Let's get this fuckin' sweep!
16:52And let's get this luxury fuckin' sea liner on the lake!
17:00League final, buddy.
17:02Game four, buddy.
17:03Your suit's on deck for it, huh?
17:05You could go wrong.
17:06Shorzy?
17:09Give your balls a tug.
17:12Shorzy!
17:12Ted fuckers.
17:13We heard what you said about us, you sack of shit.
17:16Never let a woman do a man's job, huh?
17:18Watch this.
17:19We're just taking a break from cooking and cleaning to win back-to-back-to-back ships, asshole.
17:25I'll make you a sandwich afterwards, though.
17:27I'll shove your ass for you, too.
17:28You two are the silliest twats I ever met in my whole fuckin' life.
17:32I didn't say any of that shit, you dumb broads.
17:36But I did say your breath could stop a Mack truck, Betty Ann.
17:40I'll tell that to anyone who will listen.
17:42Fuck you, Shorzy!
17:44Fuck you, Betty Ann.
17:45Your breath is an existential crisis.
17:47Made me question my whole fuckin' life.
17:50Fuck you, Shorzy!
17:52Fuck you, Mary Ann.
17:53You got legs on you like redwoods.
17:55You could box jump a bungalow.
17:58Fuck you, Shorzy.
17:59Fuck you, Riley.
18:00Your mum groped me two Halloweens ago.
18:03Shut the fuck up or I'll take it to Twitter.
18:06Fuck you, Shorzy.
18:07You're a horrible fuckin' ref.
18:09Fuck you, Jonesy.
18:10Take a look at me.
18:11I'm not even a ref.
18:12I'm a fuckin' linesman.
18:14But you can referee for my Nazi piece of shit.
18:17Fuck you, Shorzy!
18:19I'd still smash you both if I was bored.
18:21But Riley and Jonesy's mums get too jealous.
18:24Make yourselves useful.
18:25Grab me a bag of dill picklers.
18:28Good luck, you fuckin' losers.
18:32Let's stick it to that fuck.
18:34Literally and figuratively.
18:36Who the fuck skates like that?
18:45Stewart's recovery has been remarkable.
18:51He is almost unrecognizable.
19:00Are you ready?
19:04Ready!
19:05Calm down, Ronald.
19:07Stewart!
19:08Stewart!
19:10Oh!
19:11Oh!
19:11Oh!
19:12Oh!
19:12Oh!
19:12Oh!
19:12Oh!
19:13Oh!
19:13Oh!
19:14Oh!
19:15Oh!
19:15Oh!
19:16Oh!
19:16Oh!
19:17Oh!
19:18Oh!
19:18Oh!
19:19Oh!
19:19Oh!
19:20Oh!
19:20Oh!
19:21Oh!
19:21Oh!
19:21Oh!
19:27Fuck the wave.
19:28Pull your finger out of your ass.
19:29I remember when you can smoke in here.
19:31Yeah, we're gonna smoke yous in here, bud.
19:33Came here to do two things, launch this broom on the ice and drink puppers, and the gal at
19:37the bar just told me I'm cut off.
19:39Your gals look slower than my tractor.
19:41Course man's got a hemi in her.
19:43Your gals are having a tougher time finding the pucks
19:45than NHL on Fox Viewer circa 1996.
19:49I've seen more hustle in chess.
19:51Still no heaters in here, eh?
19:53I remember Letterkenny Mem in the 50s.
19:56Let's go Sham Rockettes!
20:00Let's go Sham Rockettes!
20:04Let's go Sham Rockettes!
20:08Let's go Sham Rockettes!
20:10Let's go Sham Rockettes!
20:15Come to me!
20:17Let's go Sham Rockettes!
20:19Let's go Sham Rockettes!
20:25What's that?
20:38What's that?
20:39What's that?
20:40See you, ladies.
20:55Women.
20:58Hurry up and score a fucking goal already.
21:01I'm getting the bedtime sillies.
21:02Fuck off, Shorzy.
21:04Give us our time out.
21:05Fuck you, Riley.
21:06Tell your mom to give me a time out.
21:08Last time I tried that, she threatened to take a header on me
21:11into an empty pool at the Quality Suites.
21:14Fuck you, Shorzy.
21:15Leave us alone.
21:16Fuck you, Jonesy.
21:18Tell your mom to leave me alone.
21:19She's been laying in my fucking waterbed since Labor Day.
21:22Fuck you, Shorzy.
21:24Fuck you, Riley.
21:25Your lives are so sad I get a charity tax break just for hanging out with you.
21:30Nice sweep, no sweep.
21:32Give your balls a tug.
21:38Enough fucking around.
21:42Let's do this.
22:13I want to feel things that open me to luck.
22:39We need to move it.
22:42And in our own advice, I say I can do it.
22:49I nearly feel you're guided.
22:53Like in the legends, I know this thing won't come.
23:05I've got a message to open up my mind.
23:12I'll see you next time.
23:14I'll see you next time.
23:42we did it buddy can't believe it buddy
23:54we won a fucking ship
24:00we bought that boat
24:12we bought that boat
24:42congratulations
25:12we bought that boat
25:19we bought that boat
25:21we bought that boat
25:23All right.
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