- 8 months ago
Letterkenny Season 5 Episode 2 The Ol' College Try
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TVTranscript
00:01You're having a conversation about your pal's second cousin the other day.
00:07Who, Jarrett?
00:08No, Jarrett. He's a good guy.
00:10He took me to the movies in grade six, and he wouldn't hold my hand.
00:13Young man's hands can get sweaty in that sort of situation.
00:16Then put your arm around me. What's the problem?
00:19Anyhoo, Jarrett's moving down to Los Angeles to try to be an actress.
00:24He's waiting for the weather alone.
00:26Negative. It shouldn't be warm all the time.
00:28Four seasons helps keep a man regular.
00:31Like a bowl of brains in the morning.
00:34Huh. Jarrett's moving down to L.A. to be an actor.
00:40Isn't that something you just kind of are?
00:43It's not as if a librarian can just call themselves a librarian without collecting a paycheck.
00:48It gotta work.
00:49That's correct, Miss Katies.
00:51Jarrett's moving down to Los Angeles to try to earn a living as an actor.
00:56Can you do that?
00:57Do what?
00:58Or earn a living as an actor. That's the thing?
01:02Sure it is.
01:03So you can earn a living as an actor, you say?
01:07Yeah. How do you think Brad Pitt bought all those paintings and became so passionate about architecture?
01:12I would smash that dude like a Category 5 hurricane off the coast.
01:17Huh.
01:18Yeah, I was going to L.A. to make a living as an actor.
01:21Time to be left.
01:22L.A. people should shut the fuck up and pay the tacos.
01:28What's this?
01:29Well, you never met one before?
01:30That's all they fucking talk about.
01:32Hey, you like tacos?
01:33Let's get some tacos.
01:34You know who's got great tacos?
01:35Well, these guys have the best tacos.
01:37You like tacos, right?
01:38Tacos, tacos, tacos.
01:40Venice Beach tacos.
01:41It's fucking fish steak or cornitas wrapped in tortitas.
01:44How good can it fucking be?
01:46He's right.
01:47Terry!
01:48L.A. people should shut the fuck up about hiking too.
01:50What's this?
01:51You know why you never met one of them before?
01:53That's all they fucking talk about.
01:55Have you ever been on this site before?
01:56This is the best site I've ever been on before.
01:58Hiking, hiking, hiking.
01:59Running Canyon.
02:00Hiking, hiking, hiking.
02:01Just an asshole's word for walking.
02:03I wasn't born yesterday.
02:04It's all tacos and hikes.
02:06Hikes and tacos.
02:07Why don't you have a hike while you have a taco, you fucking asshole?
02:09But how are you used to know that hikings and tacos aren't better in L.A.?
02:13They are.
02:14Aren't they?
02:15Everything's better in L.A.
02:17Says who?
02:18People in L.A.
02:20Yeah, didn't you never not notice that people from up here go down to L.A.
02:24And then they come back up here calling it L.A.
02:27Is that what they do?
02:28L.A.
02:29L.A.
02:30Thank y'all, L.A.
02:32And everything's better in L.A.
02:35What?
02:36Never met one of them before?
02:37It's all they talk about.
02:38Why?
02:39You've never even been to L.A.?
02:41You have to come to L.A.
02:43You would love L.A.
02:44L.A.
02:45L.A.
02:46Toyota hybrid fucking cars.
02:47L.A.
02:48Well, yeah, you think you know tacos, eh?
02:50I'm gonna tell you, you're some kind of fucking asshole.
02:52If you think you know tacos, you never had a taco one.
02:54L.A.
02:55You think you know hiking?
02:57You've never seen a hike and tell you about a hike in L.A.
03:00L.A.
03:01Oh, I hate the weather up here.
03:03It's so much warmer in L.A.
03:05Oh, yeah, didn't you not know it gets just as cold in L.A.?
03:09It's just a different kind of cold in L.A.
03:11It's desert, you know.
03:12Put a finger over your ass.
03:13That's exactly what I say.
03:15Put a finger over your ass.
03:16Now hold your horses here.
03:19Who's to use nose that's ever been to L.A.?
03:23What's this about L.A.?
03:28Who's crib is it anyways?
03:44I doubt my crib.
03:45I love's cribbage.
03:46Run a three.
03:47That's it for me.
03:48Run a four.
03:49I'm out the door.
03:50Well, fifteen-two.
03:51Double run a eight for ten.
03:52And Jack of Suits for elevens, which is a pretty hard number to run with.
03:59Ooh!
04:00What's the regetson all dressed up for, Mr. Saturday Nights?
04:03You sure you're not trying too hard with that button done up there?
04:06Now you just know Tannis and I are giving her the old college try.
04:10You know, I get ending things with Rosie because you have feelings for another woman.
04:13She reads too much.
04:14She up to something.
04:15And I back that.
04:16Thank you, Katie.
04:17But...
04:18What?
04:19What?
04:20What?
04:21What?
04:22What?
04:23What?
04:24What?
04:25What?
04:26How's that?
04:27Thank you, Katie.
04:28But...
04:30Do you think Tannis is a little rough around the edges?
04:35How do you mean?
04:36Isn't her soil a bit rocky?
04:39Isn't her grain a little bit rough for the lathe?
04:42Well...
04:44Only one way to find out, Super Chieftains.
04:49so many off-season reps buddy so many pre-season reps buddy said no to the juice
04:58fucking baseball buddy we dug deep bear down time to show the boys some games coach is gonna flip
05:04when he sees these gains gain gretzky gain the rock johnson shania gain gains trains and
05:10automobiles further let's show these boys the legends walk amongst them hashtag legend life
05:19you guys want to go back out and try that again maybe it's the lighting in here but i'm not seeing
05:29any gains what doesn't matter team folded why it's not enough bodies why because it's senior a whale
05:40shit hockey the way i see it you got three options option number a you can go to the next town and play
05:49for them um travel for whale shit gains for whale shit was even a stretch you didn't get gains
05:57traveling for wilshire that's a stretch too far option number b hang them up well there's good
06:04rubber left on these wheels though boys let's do power skating bro good call bro option number c
06:10join a championship team right here in letter kenny
06:14as coaches with me
06:20team's already won back-to-back ships
06:24you know she never won a ship buddy
06:29on track to win back-to-back-to-back boats love to win a boat buddy
06:35all right then come on let's win a fucking sea liner
06:40let's win a great lakes freighter let's win a cable ferry let's win a cabin cruiser
06:46let's win a boston whaler let's win a recreational trawler
06:49let's win a paddle steamer let's win a pleasure barn
06:53let's win an outrigger let's win a freshwater vessel let's win a naval drifter let's win a water
07:01rambo let's win a landing craft let's win a salt water logger let's win a sea tucker
07:09let's win a luxury fucking yacht let's go
07:15wait you're gonna need an icebreaker
07:24tannis how are you now
07:37what what what the actual fuck was that what well you're standing breathing and smoking so the
07:50other thing spitting some barefaced uncultivated version of it yes what you never seen someone
07:58spit before yes an inexcusably obese man in the batter's box at a blue jays game we never seen a
08:05girl spit before yes a six-year-old after consuming an insect in her ice cream cone but you don't think
08:13girls should spit i don't say what girls should do but you don't like it when girls spit preferably
08:19not within my line of sight earshot and in a perfect world ever
08:24you hungry am i hungry yeah that's what i said i'm immediately concerned that sensation may never
08:37reestablish itself but what a ride it's been oh don't be so dramatic what is this the 1950s you want
08:43to go borrow an ankle length skirt from my auntie come on i cook for you let's go
08:51come on
09:01he was supposed to be here over an hour ago try him again stir i just tried him and straight to voicemail
09:10i think i may have a problem no no i'm in over my head we all want it i have no control we all need it
09:29and where is it right here
09:31get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out
09:37i've got it it's all right here but you guys got meth right yes yes yes yes yes the drugs are all
09:45over there just bring me that computer and get us to the dark one first the meth then the dark one
09:52well hold on you want some too i'm good
09:56bring me that dark one over to my stand-up desk
10:02why do you have a stand-up desk because sitting is quietly murdering you
10:09actually yes well i will have some meth
10:15and here we are the dark web why do you guys crave the dark web so much because the dark web is
10:28exclusive the dark web is only accessible using special software users remain untraceable and
10:36anonymous on the dark web you could hire a hitman on the dark web purchase illegal contraband on the
10:41dark web sell illegal contraband on the dark web oh you could join a rebel army or you could build a
10:47bomb for your own rebel army on the dark the thrill of having all of that at your fingertips is so
10:54mental what's in the menu today chef i left a tab open for you guys something i thought you'd dig
11:02it's funny the way you asked like that like the dark website was food because
11:06how to cook human meat
11:13fuck these heart rate mutts again i don't like these mutts we could ignore the call let's do it let's
11:20ignore the call but how are we gonna find cool new things to do on the dark web unless we make
11:24cool new pals on the dark web fine anything to keep the dark web sustainable but we should sit for this
11:36what are you doing
11:55what
11:57well you're sitting breathing and taking your boots off so the other thing to borrow a phrase
12:02from my stance on social media i don't follow crossing your legs yeah for a hot second to take
12:09my boots off boots are no boots don't you think it's a little fruity loops for a man to be sitting
12:13like that on the contrary i'm sitting like this because the less bending over a man does the better
12:22sounds homophobic to me sounds chiropractic to me
12:25just checking i swing both ways you know so if you ever want to invite a girl over or a guy
12:36are we gonna have a problem here tanis
12:41let's just stop talking food's ready come eat
12:55what's on the dark web menu today gentlemen
13:06funny you put it like that because we were about to enjoy some dark web literature about how to cook
13:12cook you meat until our friend call
13:1813 percent of human beings are cannibals huh 13 sounds right wrong that's what they want you to think
13:26the truth 100 of human beings are cannibals the the ones on earth anyway
13:33how do you know that how do i know that huh well let's rewind the clock 1840 ireland the potato famine
13:44forces thousands of those godless heathen bog trotters to migrate to north america no potatoes you see
13:53well then what did those patty mc prods eat on the boat over here fast forward 1955 day plains illinois
14:04mcdonald's restaurants open their first location not a single cow was photographed that day and yet
14:11they're serving burgers gotcha now mcdonald's openly openly boasts over 999 billion served
14:24fast forward 2016 donald trump is elected to office inherits the highest percentage per capita of cannibals
14:33in the world the left-wing fake news pinko media wants you to think that he spent 16 of his first
14:42hundred days in office golfing wrong wrong donald j trump spent 16 of his first hundred days as
14:51president of the united states commander-in-chief leader of the goddamn free world getting that
14:58per capita percentage of cannibals down from 100 to everett uh 13 that's right do the math
15:11no no actually do actually do the math do the math we did the math
15:19listen uh
15:22friend we've been listening to you ramble for an hour
15:27we only join the dark way to see cool new things and join cool new movements and make cool new pals
15:38cool new pals you say yes
15:42stir i know how you can make all the coolest new pals ever spare us the hyperbole how join the hard right
15:52right
15:55i said that like that was leading into another monologue but it's really just just don't join the hard right
16:02do you like our flag are you probably
16:05can you like it do you like it i i designed it
16:22eat up you're gonna need fuel for later
16:24what what the actual fuck was that now what now well you're sitting eating and breathing so the other thing
16:43burping yes some primitive distressing version of it that was nothing terrific
16:49you can burp too outstanding you can fart if you want you know why because it's normal but is it
16:56fashionable it's becoming it's unbecoming well your boyfriend daryl burps and spits
17:05dairy also chases ducks draws on the walls and must be told not to taste or touch everything he sees
17:13that's true that's true so is it because i'm a lady who's a lady so what you're saying that girls
17:20shouldn't burp too i don't say what girls should do well men shouldn't shackle women we made prohibition
17:27happen watch your step already walking on eggshells you've done your food that ship's clear across the
17:33pond same let's go make a fire because it's a beautiful fucking day what's up what it is
17:43okay pheasants we got back to back to back coast guard zodiacs at our fingertips but full disclosure
17:51this team's got a bit of an attitude problem all right a little battle of leadership going on in here
17:57all right sure they got their center console skiffs but they went through a lot of coaches in the
18:02process monday details boys we want a twin engine jet boat we want that cruise ship that's the attitude
18:09pylons now get in there all right oh no i'm sorry what are you two doing sorry boys ladies we didn't
18:24know you were ladies boys um not lady boys we didn't know you were ladies you think the door is open to
18:29everyone here just because mary ann looks like she's homeless doesn't mean you can treat it like
18:34a shelter fuck you betty ann but she's right door isn't open to everybody here just because her mitt
18:40looks like the back of christ's head doesn't mean you can treat it like a church fuck you mary ann
18:46your mitt looks like babe ruse ball glove from the dirty 30s if 20 more dudes spat chewing tobacco in it
18:53your mitt's actually a work of art betty ann like salvador dolly's melting clocks but instead of
18:59melting clocks it's melting salad bowls of off pink ice cream hmm i love ice cream mary ann i love all
19:08frozen treats your mitt looks like i squeezed a cherry red popsicle with a handful of dryer lint meet your new
19:15team pheasants
19:23you serious with that turtleneck you lose a lot of heat in the neck as i like to say are you cold
19:29i wouldn't say i'm hot but most men i know wouldn't complain about something like that
19:34you see the elephant you mean next to the bus patch that's the one yeah i see it you want to talk
19:45about it let's talk about it a woman can be what she wants that is so nice of you to allow that not
19:52what i meant i'm kidding a woman should be what she wants better there's no definition of a woman
20:00it's the same as a man there's no definition don't need to woman-splain i'm aware but a woman should be
20:08with a man she finds desirable and vice versa like long term like in a relationship can confirm
20:18i don't think you're a cowboy oh you think i know good enough good stuff a short term on the other hand
20:27how short a night a night an hour maybe more than an hour a night a night maybe even a morning
20:40maybe even a morning because we didn't do all the things i wanted to do well we talked we ate
20:45it was good right thank you for supper my pleasure we talked we ate we sat by the fire so then the other
20:51thing good enough good stuff
21:09just kidding
21:2115-2 the rest won't do 15-4 the rest don't score runs the threes that's it's for me's
21:31isn't playing all fucking night how'd it go big brother don't know what aside from the end there
21:37so fucking poorly called it how poorly so poor he said so fucking poor talking about ultra poor
21:45called it what'd i miss taco night but not just any taco night e.l.a taco night oh there's no taco
21:54night like an l.a taco night oh yeah you've never had a taco night unless you had an l.a taco night oh yeah
22:01well if it's taco night in l.a and you must have had a hike did you have a hike oh yeah you can't have taco
22:07night in l.a without having a hike oh yeah we had an l.a hike but it was so cold it gets so cold
22:14oh yeah it's a desert stone chinup oh yeah it's just as cold l.a it's just a different kind of cold
22:22l.a pull your finger out of your ass that's what i say so pull your finger out of your ass you're from
22:27l.a yeah yeah you've got to take la sionaga to la tahara if you're going to lax in l.a oh yeah i will
22:36have another cold press juice because we're in l.a oh yeah i'm just popping down to trader joe's to load
22:42up on kombuchas in l.a oh yeah you can stick your hybrid toyota straight up your ass it's all about
22:48teslas now in l.a oh yeah it's like you could never usually get a pizza that was that good in
22:54l.a until now oh yeah we're gonna have a winter brunch outside on melrose because you can do that
23:02in l.a oh yeah i'm taking improv classes at the ucbs but only until the groundlings figure it out in
23:09l.a oh yeah you better get join the burlesque troop if you're going to l.a pull your finger
23:25out of your ass that's what i say so pull your finger out of your ass
23:39l.a oh yeah i've got a good friend
23:55l.a oh yeah i've got a good one
23:57l.a oh yeah i've got a good one
24:19l.a oh yeah i've got a good one lifting me up when i'm down
24:28well it's been perfect time
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