- 9 months ago
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00:00Piano music
00:30Shelly?
00:40I'm stuck.
00:42What?
00:43How can you sell pyjamas?
00:45What a thing to manufacture.
00:47Can't you leave it now?
00:48Afraid not. Meeting's tomorrow.
00:50Today.
00:52Only time you wear pyjamas is in hospital.
00:54What I need is an outbreak of the plague by breakfast time.
00:57You'll think of something, Shelly. You always do.
01:02I should never have gone to that film tonight. That's your fault.
01:04I should have stayed in and worked.
01:06It was a good film, wasn't it?
01:08It was OK. A bit long.
01:11Hey, how do they do those apes?
01:13What do you mean?
01:14Well, what I say, how do they get apes to act like that?
01:17They were actors, dummy.
01:19But you saw right into their mouths.
01:22Tombstone teeth smeared with ape spit.
01:26It was make-up.
01:27Are you sure?
01:29Well, how else?
01:30There's an acute shortage of apes who went to RADA, you know.
01:36Where are you going?
01:39I'm just going outside.
01:42I may be sometime.
01:49Mr. Shelly.
01:50No, I'm the burglar.
01:52Hang on just a ticker. Do your room now.
01:54Save troubling you later.
01:55Mr. Shelly.
01:56Hey, look, I'm a married man, you know, with an incipient child.
02:00Oh.
02:01Well, perhaps we could make an appointment for another time.
02:05Well, I know I've always had this effect on women, but this...
02:07Oh, my God.
02:08Oh, my God.
02:10This is an emergency.
02:12Emergencies are not my strong point.
02:17Miss Landis?
02:18What?
02:19What are you doing?
02:20Slapping your face.
02:21It's what they do in the films, where I got my medical training.
02:23Oh.
02:24Now, have you any idea what's wrong with you?
02:27I've...
02:28I've taken these.
02:30How many did you take?
02:32All of them.
02:33Was the bottle full?
02:34Yeah.
02:35Well, I'm guessing, but I've found I'd say that was an overdose.
02:37Now, just keep calm.
02:42Everything's going to be all right just fine.
02:45Now, stay there, keep warm, don't move.
02:49That's right.
02:50Try and get some rest.
02:52Oh, my God.
02:58Miss Landis has taken an overdose.
03:00What?
03:01I said, Miss Landis has taken an overdose.
03:03She's on the stairs unconscious.
03:04Oh, no.
03:05Well, what are we going to do?
03:06I'm going to panic.
03:07That's what I'm going to do.
03:09Is she with Dr. Frobisher?
03:11I don't know.
03:12If she's passed out, get an ambulance.
03:14Right.
03:14Could you go to her, do whatever you're supposed to,
03:16check she's wearing clean underwear and so on?
03:27I've always wanted to do that.
03:30Hello?
03:31Ambulance, please.
03:32What?
03:33Oh, James Shelley.
03:36Shelley.
03:37No, no, no, no.
03:38Shelley.
03:39Like the poet.
03:40James.
03:41Look, what the hell does it matter who I am?
03:43There's a woman here with her whole life flashing before her.
03:4714 Pangloss Road, NW6.
03:50Yes, an overdose.
03:51Took all her tablets.
03:54What do you mean, how do I know?
03:55She told me so herself.
03:57She's got an empty bottle of pills and a battleship grey face.
03:59What do you want?
03:59An action replay?
04:02Look, could you just, just please send an ambulance?
04:06Oh, you have?
04:07Good.
04:09Well, yes, I know some pills are harmless,
04:10but as I most unfortunately do not have a forensic laboratory handy,
04:14I don't know whether she's taking potassium cyanide or junior aspirin.
04:19There is a label on the bottle?
04:21Yes, it's about as legible as a slab of Etruscan picture writing.
04:26Don't forget to put the blue light on.
04:28Oh, anything I should do while I'm waiting?
04:30What do you mean, keep calm?
04:33What does it matter whether I'm calm or not?
04:36My God, that makes me angry.
04:38You people.
04:39Bloody people.
04:41Keep calm.
04:43Everybody's mad about being calm.
04:45Calmness is no good to man nor beast.
04:47Panic.
04:47That's what gets things done, calm.
04:50We'd still have an empire if we were all so bloody calm.
04:54Hello, Mrs Ratcliffe.
04:56What's going on?
04:57Miss Landis has tried to kill herself.
05:00Again?
05:01She's never tried before, Mrs Ratcliffe.
05:04Hasn't she?
05:04Oh, not dead yet, then?
05:10I'm afraid not.
05:11Oh, well, can't be helped.
05:16What have you got on?
05:19Well, I was in bed, wasn't I?
05:20Well, haven't you got any pyjamas?
05:23No.
05:25You're no gentleman.
05:29Dear God, what's going on?
05:31Who are you phoning at this time of night?
05:33An ambulance, Mrs H.
05:34How are you?
05:35Well, I trust?
05:36A what?
05:36An ambulance.
05:37Miss Landis is very ill, taking all her tablets.
05:40Oh, my God.
05:41Yes, exactly my reaction.
05:42She's having a little lie down on the stairs at the moment.
05:44Fran's with her.
05:45How's Willie?
05:46Asleep.
05:47Yeah, well, we try not to wake him.
05:49Well, don't worry.
05:50He used to sleep to air raids.
05:54How is she?
05:55Pulse is quite strong, but a little slow.
05:58Did she try to kill herself?
06:00Well, I presume so.
06:01I mean, it'd be one hell of a headache
06:02to make you take the whole bottle, wouldn't it?
06:03How much longer will the ambulance be, do you think?
06:07It'll be here in a minute, Shelley.
06:08Everything will be all right.
06:10Just keep calm.
06:12Hadn't you better put some clothes on?
06:13Oh, absolutely.
06:14I think I'll have a nice relaxing bath as well.
06:16Read a book, perhaps.
06:17After all, there's only a woman dying on the stairs.
06:19No cause for alarm.
06:20Game of cards.
06:21Anyone?
06:22Shall I get you a drop of brandy?
06:24Good idea.
06:25Do with a world of good on top of a ton of barbiturates.
06:28Should ensure a rapid and painless end.
06:31Was that me a suggestion?
06:32Oh, no, I'm sorry.
06:33I'm a bit hit up.
06:33I'm always the same when people start dropping dead in my arms
06:35in the middle of the night.
06:37Silly, I know.
06:38I'll just go and slip into something more comfortable.
06:42There's nothing we can do, Mrs. H.
06:43Just keep her warm and wait.
06:45Do you want some tea?
06:46Oh, thanks.
06:48Shelley, Mrs. H...
06:49Get dressed, make the tea, save a girl's life,
06:55turn the nation into pyjama freaks.
06:56That's all I've got to do before breakfast.
06:59As long as nothing out of the ordinary happens,
07:00it should be a double.
07:03Why'd she do that, then?
07:04I don't know.
07:05Perhaps I said something.
07:07Do you know any of her relatives are?
07:09No, I don't know anything about her.
07:11Well, didn't you find out about her when she took the room?
07:13Not really.
07:14She came from that agency.
07:16She seemed all right.
07:17That agency is run by cynical, racist crooks, Mrs. H.
07:21They got started finding Martin Borman a place.
07:25They'd find Jack the Ripper a flat in the whorehouse
07:27for two weeks' rent.
07:29Well, they sent you two here.
07:34Yeah, perhaps I will stop using them.
07:36You're very slow with the punchlines tonight, Mrs. H.
07:38You must be tired.
07:40Ah, kettle's boiling.
07:41Are you the practical type?
07:42Do you know how to make tea or not?
07:44God, you are half sarky.
07:46How are you going to treat that child of yours?
07:48I dread to think.
07:50Oh, poor girl.
07:53Well, she can't be happy.
07:55You should be a psychiatrist, Mrs. H.
07:57Insight like that doesn't come cheap.
07:59Now, look, I'm warning you.
08:00Well, what the hell do you expect, Mrs. Hawkins?
08:03That poor girl has decided life on this planet is so abjectly miserable
08:07she'd be better off dead, and you say she can't be happy.
08:09It's like saying Hitler was a bit of a lad.
08:14Um, uh...
08:16Look, I'm going to see how she is.
08:20Two sugars, please.
08:24How is she?
08:25Just the same.
08:26Asleep.
08:27Asleep?
08:27That's a coma.
08:28That's what that is.
08:29She'll be like that forever.
08:31Don't be silly.
08:31I'm not being silly.
08:33People have been staying in comas for years.
08:35Look at William Whitelaw.
08:39I wish the ambulance would come.
08:42Hey.
08:43Are you okay?
08:45Of course I am.
08:46Why shouldn't I be?
08:47Well, you're pregnant.
08:47Not good for you to get excited.
08:49Bloody glad you're not pregnant, then.
08:52That's them.
08:53Wait here.
08:57Blimey, you were quick.
08:58Thanks a lot.
08:59She's up there.
09:00Oh, uh, does she need a stretcher?
09:03Not broken anything, has she?
09:04Ah, yes, isn't it?
09:05No.
09:06What?
09:06Attempted suicide.
09:08Oh, well, I wouldn't say that, exactly.
09:09Well, I thought she took a whole bottle of pills.
09:11Well, she did, yes.
09:12Well, you don't do that for headache, do you?
09:15Ah, no, no.
09:18Do you think they'd like some tea?
09:23Well, I don't think they'll be staying all that long.
09:27You know what, when Miss Landis dying and all,
09:28they'd probably want to get away.
09:30You know what they're like these days?
09:31Rush, rush, rush.
09:32Oh, you don't have to tell me.
09:35Here.
09:36Which one's Miss Landis?
09:38Dark-haired northern girl, on the top floor.
09:40Killed herself, you say?
09:41Took an overdose.
09:43Oh, must be an unhappy girl.
09:47Well, we mustn't jump to conclusions,
09:49but it's just a hobby.
09:50Hobby?
09:51You won't catch me killing myself.
09:54No, but then you have an admirably balanced outlook on life,
09:57Mrs. Ratcliffe.
09:58Yes.
09:59Well, I suppose that's true.
10:03Would you like a cup of tea?
10:05Not when there's, uh...
10:06Not when there's an hour in the month, thanks all the same.
10:08Oh, all right.
10:10Good night.
10:11Good night.
10:12Sleep tight.
10:12Tea.
10:15That's all the Russians need to bring us to our knees.
10:18Bomb the quick brew factory.
10:21Thank God it didn't occur to Hitler.
10:23They should never have legalised tea.
10:25We're a nation of soggy tanning freaks.
10:27I bet it's tea that makes you calm.
10:29Is she all right?
10:31Well, I wouldn't go that far,
10:32but I reckon she'll be all right by tomorrow.
10:34Really?
10:34Oh, yeah.
10:36I've seen them a lot worse than this, I can tell you.
10:38Oh, well, I suppose you have.
10:39Oh, that's cheered me up no end.
10:40Oh, I'll get my coat.
10:41Are you going with her, then?
10:43Yes.
10:43What about your pyjamas?
10:45He won't want pyjamas.
10:46He's not staying in hospital.
10:49Thanks very much.
10:50Not at all, Miss.
10:51Is he ready now?
10:51Because we'll be off.
10:53Is there anything I can do?
10:55Yes, Mrs H.
10:56Write me a hundred words
10:57on why you find men in stripy pyjamas irresistibly sexy.
11:04I hope they have a look at him while he's there.
11:11Hello, Mrs H.
11:28Sorry I was so rude last night.
11:31Oh, that's all right.
11:33I didn't notice you were especially rude.
11:35Seemed about normal.
11:36How is she?
11:39Hmm?
11:39Oh, she's okay now.
11:40Uh, look, could you possibly do the ironing in Mrs H's?
11:43I want to get my head down.
11:44I've got to go back to the hospital this afternoon.
11:46What for?
11:47See Marcia.
11:48She's on her own
11:49and she's got to see a bloody shrink later on.
11:52At least I get out of the pyjamas this way.
11:54What's a shrink?
11:56A psychiatrist.
11:57She'll need all the help she can get.
11:59Why?
11:59What's wrong with psychiatrists?
12:01What's right with them?
12:02What do you know about psychiatrists, Shelley?
12:05Well, as a matter of fact,
12:06I saw one once for a while.
12:07So, ya boo and sucks to you.
12:11Yeah.
12:11I can see why and all.
12:13Now, look.
12:13When was this?
12:15Just before we left university.
12:17When you had all those lectures off?
12:18Yes.
12:19Well, you told me that was a chiropodist.
12:23Well, same sort of thing,
12:25just the other end, that's all.
12:27And you were seeing a shrink then?
12:29Yes, I was.
12:30Now, clear off out of it.
12:31I'm shattered.
12:31Well, why?
12:32Oh, couldn't we discuss it another time?
12:34No fear.
12:35If I'm living with a nutcase,
12:37I want to know all about it.
12:38Well, you are.
12:39I could have told you that, ain't you, Shelley?
12:43It's precisely because of such cheap remarks
12:45that I am not prepared to discuss it.
12:47Look, I want to know.
12:49Huh.
12:51Well, it was when I couldn't get another course at university
12:53and I knew I'd have to get out and take part in real life.
12:56Something I've studiously avoided since birth.
12:59Real life has never been my forte.
13:02Frankly, I think it's greatly overrated.
13:04Anyway, Dr Spillane was of the same opinion as me,
13:07only his retreat from it was more successful than mine.
13:10He'd say good to everything.
13:11He thought it was important to reassure you.
13:15How are you today?
13:16Not bad.
13:17Good.
13:18How are you today?
13:19I had a dreadful night.
13:20Good.
13:20So one day he asked me what I've been up to
13:23and I said I'd rape my mother and nail the cat to the sideboard.
13:28Good.
13:30I gave up on Dr Spillane after that.
13:35I hadn't raped my mother or nailed the cat.
13:40I'm kind to animals and my mother and I were never that close.
13:43Is there anything else about your early life that I should know?
13:51I don't want to see this psychiatrist.
13:54Oh, that's all right.
13:55I just want a word with you, you know.
13:56Count your marbles.
13:58Find out how often your mother dressed you as a boy
14:00and locked you in the broom cup.
14:03See, I've done a bad thing.
14:06Oh, well, that's all right.
14:06They like that.
14:07They love talking about that sort of thing.
14:09Should be doing well.
14:09I've told them you were me brother.
14:14Your brother?
14:15Yeah.
14:16We don't actually have the same name.
14:18No, I told them you changed your name when you became an actor.
14:23That's very good.
14:24Very clever.
14:25Quick thinking.
14:26Why did you tell them I was your brother?
14:28I thought if they thought there was somebody responsible to look after me,
14:33they'd let me out sooner.
14:35Listen, they can't keep you here against your will, you know.
14:38They think I'm peculiar.
14:40They might send me to a funny farm.
14:42No, there's no chance of that, really.
14:46Only thing is, you know you're not peculiar and I know you're not,
14:49but if they find out you've been going around making up brothers who are actors,
14:53they might not see it quite so clearly.
14:56Miss Landis.
14:57I'll try and square this.
15:01Ah, nurse.
15:03Yes.
15:03I'm James Shelley.
15:05I'm Miss Landis' brother.
15:06Mr Shelley?
15:08Yes.
15:08I wonder if I could have the quickest of words with the doctor.
15:11Well, I don't quite see.
15:12If you're Mr Shelley, then...
15:13Oh, yes.
15:14Well, I'm an actor.
15:16Had to change my name.
15:18Oh, really?
15:19What sort of acting do you do?
15:20Um, well, you know, films and so on.
15:26Oh, how fascinating.
15:28What films have you done?
15:30What films have I done?
15:31Er, what films have I done?
15:32Well, I was in 2001, for instance.
15:35Oh, I saw that three times.
15:37Good, wasn't it?
15:38Well, I don't actually remember you, I'm afraid.
15:41Yes, well, er, I was one of the apes.
15:44Really?
15:45Oh, amazing.
15:46Good make-up, then.
15:49Oh, amazing.
15:51So, you're really Miss Landis?
15:53Could I have a word with the doctor, just for a moment, about Miss...
15:56About my sister?
15:57It is important.
15:58Oh, yeah, that should be all right.
16:00Be brief, won't you?
16:02There's winter sunshine.
16:06Mr Landis, doctor.
16:07Miss Landis' brother.
16:08Ah, hmm.
16:10What's that mean?
16:11He was an ape in 2001.
16:16Oh, God, not another.
16:20Come in, Mr Landis, come in.
16:23Pull up a branch and sit down.
16:26Actually, doctor, er, my name's Shelley, you see.
16:30Pull up a what?
16:33Ah, I see.
16:34Jolly good.
16:36Good.
16:37Shelley, eh?
16:38I've read a lot of your poetry.
16:42It's very good.
16:43No, no, I'm sorry about that.
16:50Nurse Rowland says that you were an ape.
16:53I take it that she must be overworking.
16:56No, no, no, no.
16:57I, er, I did tell her that.
16:59You did?
17:01Good.
17:02Good.
17:04Yes, er, you see, Miss Landis said I was an actor.
17:07You're not an actor?
17:08Not at all, no.
17:10Well, that's something.
17:11I take it you're not an ape either, then.
17:15No, no, er, I told the nurse I was an ape in 2001 so that I could get in to see you.
17:20Now, why did you do that?
17:22Do you think I'm a vet or something?
17:28Very good.
17:29No, you see, Miss Landis, having said I was an actor and her brother...
17:34Are you her brother?
17:35Oh, no.
17:36No, of course not.
17:38Is she an ape?
17:42Not doctor.
17:43Or an actress?
17:44Actually, this is getting unnecessarily confusing.
17:46I am not Shirley the poet, or an ape, or Miss Landis' brother.
17:50I am James Shirley, advertising copywriter.
17:52What sort of things do you advertise?
17:55Stripey pyjamas.
17:58Good.
18:00Now, ask yourself this question, and answer it truthfully, okay?
18:05Yes.
18:06Do you really advertise stripy pyjamas?
18:09Look, I, doctor, I don't want to talk about myself.
18:12Oh, I see.
18:14This is part of your problem, is it?
18:16I haven't got a problem.
18:17Haven't you?
18:19Well, of course I have.
18:20I mean, we all have.
18:21My main one at the moment is how to sell stripy pyjamas to a nation that sleeps in the nude.
18:25But I haven't got the sort of problem you mean.
18:27I just want a quick word about Miss Marcia Landis.
18:30So, you see it as normal for a grown man to go around passing himself off as an ape, or an actor, or a poet,
18:38or stripy pyjama salesman, and fantasising about millions of people sleeping in the nude.
18:42Look, doctor, you are a doctor, aren't you?
18:46Of course.
18:47I was beginning to wonder.
18:49Last night, Miss Marcia Landis took an overdose of pills.
18:53She's fine now.
18:54You asked to see her.
18:55She told everyone her eye was her brother because she's alone in the world,
18:58and she thought that if she had a brother to look after her, she'd be allowed to go home.
19:02I see.
19:04Good.
19:05Good.
19:07So, where do the apes and the actors come from?
19:11Will you stop wittering on about apes?
19:13Yes, for God's sake, God Almighty, you need your head examined.
19:17Pull up her branch and sit down.
19:19All right, all right.
19:23Tell me exactly what happened last night.
19:25Well, about three in the morning, I met Marcia on the landing.
19:28You were up and about at that time?
19:30Yes, I was working on selling pyjamas.
19:32You really do sell pyjamas?
19:34Of course I do.
19:34I just told you that.
19:36What sort of pyjamas are they?
19:38The old-fashioned ones, baggy, striped.
19:41Do people still wear those?
19:42No!
19:44No, they do not.
19:46That is why it's hard advertising them.
19:47How many times do I have to...
19:48All right, all right.
19:49Well, what does it matter about the bloody pyjamas?
19:52You keep going on about red herrings, apes pyjamas.
19:55I find communicating with you almost impossible.
19:58People do not want striped pyjamas
20:01because they make you look like a sexless Burke.
20:04Ergo, it is hard to sell them.
20:06Therefore, I'm up all night and meet Marcia
20:09in time to call an ambulance.
20:10Can you remember what she said?
20:12Yes, she just said Mr. Shelley.
20:15Ah, and what did you say?
20:20Well, it doesn't much matter what I said.
20:22It would be valuable to know exactly what happened, really.
20:26Would?
20:26Yes.
20:27I said it was a burglar.
20:31A burglar?
20:32Yes, that's right, a burglar.
20:34Not an ape or an actor.
20:35I was into burglars then.
20:37Look, it was a little joke.
20:39I make them from time to time.
20:40It's what I hide behind,
20:42like you and your white coat.
20:43Then someone has just attempted suicide.
20:46I didn't know that then.
20:47I just had the vague feeling
20:49she might have been making a sexual advance
20:51and I was trying to keep my distance.
20:52Why did you think that?
20:54Because I never think of anything else, okay?
20:57I fantasise about it all the time.
20:59Forget about me, Doctor, will you?
21:01All right, if you want to prove I'm a head case,
21:03all right, no defence,
21:04I could win a scholarship to any funny farm you care to name.
21:07We are discussing Miss Marcia Landis,
21:10an unhappy girl who just needs to get her life a bit more together
21:13and certainly doesn't need half an hour on apes and pyjamas with you.
21:17Okay, and we made things worse.
21:19I'll be off.
21:20Try and take things a bit easier, will you?
21:24Cut down on the rubbish, you talk.
21:26And if you're no better in a week, kill yourself.
21:29Now, it's okay.
21:35He's off his head and he's got problems.
21:39Just sit tight, be nice,
21:40and if you need me, I'll be right here.
21:42Thank you ever so much.
21:43None at all.
21:44Would you like to come in now, Miss Landis?
22:05Yes, Doctor.
22:14Oh, I'm so glad I caught you, mister.
22:25Do you know, I never can remember your name.
22:28Shelley. James Shelley.
22:29Of course.
22:30The same as the novelist, yes.
22:32Hello, Mrs Shelley.
22:35Actually, I'm not Mrs Shelley.
22:37Oh.
22:38Well, that's perfectly all right, my dear.
22:41You know, times change.
22:42I know, and it doesn't affect me in the least.
22:45Will you be getting married, do you think?
22:49Hardly at all, I shouldn't think, Mrs Shelley.
22:51Oh, well, why should you?
22:53A girl upstairs killed herself last night.
22:56Oh, there was a dreadful how-do-do.
22:59You know, there used to be a law against that sort of thing,
23:02and there should be one now, too.
23:04Absolutely.
23:05Anyone who kills themselves should be locked up.
23:08How tall are you?
23:11Five foot ten.
23:11Oh, marvellous.
23:15Absolutely splendid.
23:18Oh, now stay here, and don't go away.
23:21Oh.
23:25What exactly is the matter, do you suppose?
23:27Well, she just doesn't know anyone in London.
23:29She's lost her job.
23:31The only people she ever talks to are the guys down at Labour once a week.
23:35Mind you, why you should be lonely in this house, God knows.
23:38All you have to do is rattle a teapot and people come out of the woodwork.
23:44She'll be all right.
23:45She's going to try temping.
23:46She only needs to plug in a bit.
23:49Well, one good thing to come out of it anyway.
23:53At least I'll get a comfortable night's sleep tonight.
23:56What do you mean?
23:57Mrs. Ratcliffe's husband was five foot ten.
24:00What?
24:01And she gave me his pyjamas.
24:02And then I'll go to the house.
24:07You are so.
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