Robot Chicken Season 1 Episode 1 Robot Chicken Christmas Special
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TVTranscript
00:00Wooo!
00:12It's time!
00:30Dad, could you kick an angel's ass?
00:44You're damn right I could.
00:46Is that Santa on the roof?
00:48Well, if not, I got a present for him.
00:52Santa! Santa!
00:53Oh, my mother...
00:55Motherf**k! Knee!
00:57Oh, f**k!
00:59S**t!
01:00Oh, f**k!
01:01F**k it all to hell, that hurts like a mother f**k!
01:06Dad, what's a...
01:07Ha...
01:08Huh...
01:09Uh, so, uh, Santa, what happened?
01:12Bandits, Goku!
01:13They stole my reindeer!
01:16And all the presents!
01:18And my pants!
01:21Ha ha ha ha! Christmas is ours!
01:23You'll never get away with this!
01:25Ho ho ho!
01:26I've got five good reasons for you to shut up!
01:30One, two, three, four, five!
01:34Dad, who are those guys?
01:36Kung Fu legends!
01:39That's the little drummer boy, whose mystical drum conjures demons most foul.
01:45The nutcracker, who knows over 100 different testicle-based attacks.
01:51And composite Santa Claus, who looks like one half Santa and one half Frosty the Snowman.
01:59What are composite Santa's powers?
02:01I don't know, but he freaks me right the f**k out!
02:05I will conjure a demon with my magical drum!
02:12Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
02:14Holy s**t!
02:15I'll get this one, Dad!
02:19You're not so tough!
02:20TESTICLE ATTACK NUMBER 49!
02:24TESTICLE ATTACK NUMBER 49!
02:26TESTICLE ATTACK NUMBER 49!
02:30Holy s**t!
02:39Holy s**t!
02:42I'll get this one, Dad!
02:44You're not so tough!
02:46TESTICLE ATTACK NUMBER 49!
02:49Ow!
02:50My Dragon Ball!
02:55Okay, I got nothing.
03:09Oh!
03:10Temperatures over 32 degrees Fahrenheit!
03:13My only weakness!
03:17We did it!
03:19Fools!
03:20Mrs. Santa?
03:22That's right!
03:23The mastermind behind this evil attack on Christmas is me!
03:30Why?
03:31It all started at the North Pole.
03:34I started getting terrible headaches.
03:37Mrs. Claus, are you okay?
03:42At first, I thought it was merely my period.
03:45But that was not the case, as I hit menopause centuries ago.
03:53Polar radiation forced an evolutionary change in me.
04:00Now, I want revenge.
04:03Holy niglar!
04:18Yeah!
04:19Go ahead, and I need a minute to rest.
04:21It's up to you for now.
04:23I think one of them popped.
04:25It's payback time.
04:27Let's beat her up so bad, her kids will inherit the bruises.
04:31Yeah, we'll hit her so hard, she'll starve to death rolling.
04:35She's so ugly, we'll push your face and go and make gorilla biscuits.
04:40She's so black, when she go to night school, teacher mark her absence.
04:44That's, that's, that's still my wife, guys.
04:47Gail!
04:53Your nose shoots lasers?
04:56You didn't think there was a reason it glows red?
04:59What is your shoe?
05:01Ew!
05:02To think I wanted to play your games.
05:12She's grown too gigantic and unstable.
05:16Women, my right fellas.
05:23The Tenka Ichibudokai is finally complete.
05:29What the f**k are you talking about?
05:33Was that even English?
05:34What happened to my wife?
05:38This is the last time I bring presents to Japan.
05:41Bring out your dad!
05:51December 24th, 4.30pm.
05:55Christmas Eve.
05:57A time for joyous celebration.
06:00A time for gift giving.
06:03For peace and love.
06:05A time for murder.
06:07It was the Christmas that made everyone cry.
06:13Except for maybe the Jews.
06:28But when the evidence pointed to murder, the question on everyone's mind became, who killed Christmas?
06:34Perhaps no one can shed light on this mystery more than Martha Claus, the victim's wife of 43 years.
06:47We stayed together mostly due to licensing issues.
06:51I doubt he would have gotten any sponsorship deals if he were a divorced single man living with a bunch of elves.
06:58They'd think he was gay.
07:00Crushed by grief, the widow Claus has kept a low profile since the murder.
07:06But not always warmth and love at the North Pole.
07:10Deep inside Santa's fabled workshop, discontent had begun to spread among the androgynous elven workforce.
07:18It was all about the coke, man.
07:21Santa had us elves hide the blow and the crappy wooden toys.
07:27Then he'd make the drop.
07:36And the sale was complete.
07:38He tried using some different ways to sneak the product in.
07:47You ever see a Yeti when a dozen condoms of coke burst in his belly?
08:05It's a bad scene, man.
08:08Were the allegations true?
08:10Santa Claus, an international drug peddler?
08:14Drugs?
08:15Yeah, that wasn't no secret.
08:17But I'll tell you what the fat man's real problem was when some of the shipments started turning up a little light.
08:23You follow me?
08:24Somebody started having a little private party.
08:27You know what I'm saying?
08:28I think you do.
08:29As for who?
08:30Well, you ever wonder how his nose got so red?
08:35Punishment was swift for anyone who dared cross the moss.
08:39Happy birthday!
08:40Happy birthday!
08:41For anyone caught being naughty at the North Pole.
08:46Happy birthday, North Pole!
08:48Happy birthday, North Pole!
08:49Happy birthday, North Pole!
08:50Happy birthday, North Pole!
08:51Happy birthday, North Pole!
08:56Who killed Santa Claus?
08:58A neglected housewife?
09:00Columbian drug runners?
09:03Some retard snowman?
09:06We may never know who killed Santa Claus.
09:10But whoever did is still out there.
09:12Watching.
09:13Waiting.
09:14Who's next?
09:16The Easter Bunny?
09:18Cupid?
09:19That lucky charm cereal guy?
09:22Who's to say?
09:24But when it does happen,
09:26Unsolved Case Files will be there to make a buck.
09:30Next time on Unsolved Case Files,
09:33The Taco Bell Chihuahua's castration.
09:37Simple neutering or hate crime?
09:40Yo quiero my nuts!
09:42Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man!
09:50Verily I say unto you that one of you shall betray me.
09:54Judas!
09:57That is a cheap shot!
10:00Oh, lucky for you, I'm gonna turn the other...
10:06Hey, hey, hey!
10:07That's my flesh you're throwing there!
10:24Where's the buddy?
10:36Wiggle your big toe.
10:41Great.
10:42I am Jesus, you know.
10:45I am Jesus, you know.
10:49Dilsimono!
10:52Huyah!
10:54Huyah!
10:55Huyah!
11:00Huyah!
11:01Huyah!
11:02Huyah!
11:03Huyah!
11:04Huyah!
11:05Huyah!
11:06Huyah!
11:07Huyah!
11:08Huyah!
11:09Huyah!
11:10Huyah!
11:27It's what I do.
11:57You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?
12:06For a second there?
12:08Yeah, I kinda did.
12:27You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?
12:43You didn't think it would be that easy.
12:49Stupid monkey.