Letterkenny Season 1 Episode 3 Fartbook

JAG

5/1/2025

Transcript

00:01You got a bit banged up after work the other day.

00:06Did you get the stump out of the ground today?

00:09I already told you, Derry and I are doing it Friday.

00:12You never told me that.

00:13Did too.

00:14You gotta tell her more than once.

00:16She's a woman, not a robot.

00:18In all fairness, Derry, that's a two-way street.

00:24You know what Dad would say?

00:26Plant the corn, get her gorn.

00:28So how are you gonna do it?

00:29The question's McGarrity over here.

00:31We chain it up and yank it out like a loose tooth.

00:38So what are you gonna chain it up to?

00:40My van.

00:41Won't do.

00:42Why?

00:43Cause that might be a little too punk rock, Derry.

00:45What's wrong with my van?

00:46Well more than a coat of paint.

00:48Go on.

00:49More than two coats of paint.

00:50Get after it.

00:51Rear end differential, front end differential, alternator, battery.

00:55Doesn't matter, she'll perform.

00:56Fucking measure twice, cut once then, bud.

00:59You said yesterday it could win a demolition derby.

01:01No, I never.

01:02I said yesterday it was fit for a demolition derby.

01:05No, you never.

01:06Ain't no reason to get excited.

01:07It's not what you said.

01:09You better settle down over there or I'm gonna come talk to you.

01:11You know what?

01:12There's two things I don't like about you.

01:13And it's your face.

01:14There's one thing you're not gonna like about your own face.

01:16It's when I come over there and give it the beats.

01:18You boys ever have a peanut butter sandwich?

01:22You're one end.

01:24You're the other end.

01:26Stick this together and you're just stuck.

01:30Really scraping the bottom of the yogurt cup for that nugget of wisdom, aren't you?

01:34You appreciates my metaphors, Katie, and that's what I appreciates about you.

01:39Is that what you appreciate about me?

01:41Let's take about five to ten percent offer over there, squirrely down.

01:45Yeah.

01:46No.

01:47So any other insights for us?

01:49Heck, you wouldn't mind a quick heads up from a fellow who's about to steam press as Calvin's.

02:12And that's your lesson for today, folks.

02:15Farts always win.

02:17That right there was an air biscuit.

02:20That was a real assflapper, if I do say so myself.

02:24Some fine colon bowling.

02:26Some real rectal turbulence.

02:30Wayne, you gonna whan on this?

02:32Well, there's nothing better than a fart.

02:35Except kids falling off bikes, maybe.

02:37Fuck, I could watch kids fall off bikes all day.

02:40I don't give a shit about you, kids.

02:42I wish Gail could hear that fart.

02:44I got a couple pals who'd appreciate it, too.

02:47Wouldn't it be kinda neat if you could, like, catalog your farts?

02:55What for her?

02:57Well, I feel like if other people could hear that crack splitter, it could have a positive impact on their lives.

03:03That might be the nicest thing everybody's ever said about me.

03:08You should be able to keep track of and record your farts.

03:13And your friends' farts.

03:15Well, like Facebook?

03:19Exactly like a Facebook.

03:23Just like...

03:25Fart Book.

03:27Step one, we gots to build us a website.

03:38How are we gonna fuck that pig?

03:40I guess we gots to calls up the Internets.

03:43Oh, yeah? You got a phone number for the Internet, Dan?

03:46Well, I'm pretty sure they headed me on Skype's a while back.

03:49I mean, I gots to check my emails.

03:51Outstanding.

03:52Now, I have an idea.

03:54Just gonna chap a few asses, but...

03:57There's a filler we know right here in town who can build us a website,

04:01so we don't even have to calls up the Internets, you know?

04:04Skip that middleman.

04:05Right. Well, skip the middleman who is...

04:08The Internet.

04:09Who is it, Dan?

04:11Well, it's Stuart.

04:13Hard no.

04:14You gots a better idea?

04:16Better than going into business with a meth head?

04:19One or two.

04:20Now, hold your goat to goddamn horses here.

04:22Let's put it to a boat.

04:24Those for.

04:26Those against.

04:27Get real.

04:28Then she bought and paid for.

04:30Two against one.

04:34So, driving Pete's family's out of town,

04:36he had a bit of a Texas Hold'em tournament,

04:38and I went over there with my second cousins.

04:40Who, Garrett?

04:41And Jarrett.

04:42Well, Pete gets so liquored up,

04:45long story short,

04:46me and the cousins is just standing there in the kitchen

04:49having a beer,

04:50watching Pete hang a piss down his own basement stairs.

04:53Then he turns the cock on himself,

04:55pisses all over his goddamn chest,

04:57then he falls down his own piss-soaked stairs.

05:00What are you gonna do?

05:01It's like,

05:02hey, it's your fuckin' house,

05:03but also,

05:04fuck, it's your house.

05:09So, it's Facebook.

05:12But for farts.

05:13That's right.

05:21Cartoonish.

05:22We're in.

05:24But drop the the.

05:26Just,

05:27fart book.

05:28It's cleaner.

05:29It was never a the.

05:30And we want 30%.

05:32Of what?

05:33Amateurs.

05:34Money generated from the site.

05:37We're not gonna be making any money off the site.

05:39Yes, we will.

05:40Once we get enough members playing the butt trumpet,

05:43we will sell ad space and make a fortune.

05:45Now,

05:48let's talk about marketing.

05:51Who should we target to buy ad space on fart book?

05:54Indian food,

05:55Greek food,

05:56Asian noodle soups.

05:57What about ringtones?

05:58Instead of putting your phone on silent,

06:00you put it on silent,

06:02but deadly.

06:03You're an idiot.

06:04Is a.

06:05Wait.

06:06You're an idiot.

06:09Is geostamping farts a good idea?

06:12Of course it is.

06:13Popcorn fart location movie theater.

06:15That's information's eyes wants to know.

06:18No.

06:19Why not?

06:20Cause it's too complicated.

06:21It's like algebra.

06:22Why you gotta put numbers and letters together.

06:25Why can't you just go fuck yourself?

06:29But kids will fucking love that shit.

06:31Yeah, you know what else kids love?

06:33Keys.

06:34Jangling in front of their faces.

06:35They fucking love it.

06:38Fine.

06:40No ads then.

06:42Shake on 30%.

06:44Anything down the road will be negotiated in good faith.

06:52Beggars can't be choosers.

07:01Meritorious.

07:03Give us.

07:0524 hours.

07:09Eduardo.

07:10We're ranking parts.

07:11I need the algorithm.

07:13I need the algorithm.

07:15How are you now?

07:25Hey.

07:27Not so bad.

07:28Huh?

07:29Good and you.

07:45Gentlemen.

07:50Fart book.

08:02I don't...

08:03I...

08:05I just...

08:06What's wrong with you?

08:08Seen it all come together.

08:10Sort yourself out.

08:12Here's what we've done.

08:13I am at this point the only member of fart book.

08:18Each member will be able to upload three farts.

08:21Each member will post a picture to their farts.

08:25Members will then be allowed to friend request each other

08:27and accumulate audiences for their farts.

08:34For example...

08:35My profile.

08:36I wonder what that's...

08:49That's...

08:50That's...

08:51That's meant.

08:52I like the, uh...

08:53Little bull snort there in the middle there, Stuart.

08:54I really like the placement of the fizzler at the end.

08:56Now...

08:57Shall we sign one of you up?

08:58Me!

08:59Me!

09:00Me!

09:01Me!

09:02Me!

09:03Me!

09:04Me!

09:05Me!

09:06Me!

09:07Me!

09:08Me!

09:09Me!

09:10Me!

09:11Me!

09:12Me!

09:13Me!

09:14Me!

09:15Me!

09:16Me!

09:17Me!

09:18Me!

09:19Me!

09:20Me!

09:21Me!

09:22Me!

09:23Me!

09:24Me!

09:25Me!

09:26Me!

09:27Quick hand, Chef Boyardee.

09:28Oh, no times.

09:29I can fart sign command.

09:34Okay.

09:36Ready.

09:39I recommend recording through a professional studio mic,

09:43but the internal computer mic will work for now.

09:48Okay, Dan.

09:51Ready?

09:57Go.

10:05Oh, very nice.

10:07Boy, howdy.

10:09On to the second one.

10:12Go.

10:17That was a winner.

10:18It's really nice work, Dan.

10:20Really nice work, Dan.

10:21Fuck is this awkward.

10:24On to number three.

10:25Hmm.

10:27No, no, no.

10:31I can do better.

10:32I want to go again.

10:33No.

10:34No, I think you should keep it.

10:36No one likes a fart that sounds too staged.

10:38Do you want to know what?

10:39He's right.

10:41It's like that person who just happens to have burst out laughing

10:44in every single group photo they're in.

10:47Like the camera just happened to catch that magic moment

10:50in every single one.

10:52It's like, say cheese.

10:54You're not fooling me, bud?

11:08Nope.

11:10If you think it's a good idea.

11:12Well, it's a good spread there.

11:14Like, it's a good spread.

11:17I suggest we send it out to a test audience before it goes live.

11:22Fun.

11:23Get some feedback.

11:25Iron out the bugs.

11:27Suggestions.

11:27Yeah.

11:28Duh.

11:29What about the ginger?

11:32What about Boots?

11:34Oh, um, the ginger.

11:37You guys ever hear anything about that guy fucking an ostrich?

11:42No, I heard it was Boots who fucked the ostrich.

11:45No.

11:47The ginger fucked an ostrich.

11:49Allegedly.

11:50But see, it'd take more than one guy to fuck an ostrich.

11:56You think they were both there?

11:58Like Boots held down the ostrich?

12:00I suppose if we really wanted to get to the bottom of it,

12:07we could find someone,

12:09someone who farms ostriches,

12:12who might know

12:14how they get fucked.

12:24I don't think we need to invite them, though.

12:27We should get the hockey players in on this.

12:29Those D-gens would lap this right up.

12:31Maybe get Glenn.

12:33Get the Christians on board.

12:34Agreed.

12:35And, uh...

12:36We should also get Katie into the Focas.

12:38I'll talk to her.

12:39The fuck you will.

12:41Wondrous!

12:42You talk to her, then.

12:44We reconvene back here

12:46in 24 hours.

12:51Oh, yeah.

12:55Mm-hmm.

12:55Oh.

12:57Oh.

12:57Uh-oh.

13:04I know this.

13:07Go.

13:10Oh.

13:12Oh.

13:13Oh.

13:14Oh.

13:17Oh.

13:19Oh.

13:20Oh, oh.

13:21Hey, has Katie liked any of your farts on the fart book?

13:25No.

13:26You?

13:27No.

13:28Huh.

13:29Huh.

13:36We've got a problem.

13:38We need to talk to Gale.

13:42Gale!

13:47How are you now?

13:50Good.

13:51And you?

13:52That's bad.

13:54Gale, we've summoned you here today to talk about your fart book profile.

13:59Okay.

14:00Let's listen.

14:17Everything about that's so right.

14:19Wrong!

14:19You've attached messages to each of your farts.

14:23For example, send this fart to ten people and you will have bad sex for the rest of your life.

14:30But see, I had just got that message from someone else, so it's like if I didn't send it, then I'd be stuck having bad shaboying forever.

14:38And I enjoy a horizontal refreshment for my vertical smile to go too much to take that risk.

14:46It's called spamming.

14:48It's called spamming, Gale.

14:49Never heard it called that.

14:50I've heard it called spunking one or two times.

14:54No.

14:55Sending annoying messages to people who have not requested it is called spamming.

15:01And it's annoying.

15:02And it's annoying.

15:03No.

15:04Yes.

15:05No.

15:06You continue to misuse fart book.

15:09We'll have to suspend your membership.

15:12Suspend my membership?

15:14Won't you suspend my fist in your ass, you little fuck?

15:17You ever threaten me like that again?

15:19I'll spread your cheeks and I'll feed you a Kentucky Klondike by a little twat.

15:23I'll drop an Alabama hot pocket in your douce maker, Charlie.

15:31I'll fucking lie and strike your shit house so fast.

15:34You'll be crying out for your mom, you fucking asshole.

15:37Fuck you, sir.

15:39You drop juices in every orifice of your body, you fucking head.

15:44Tell you some pot-tarts!

15:46And then, I'll put you my foot over and thank you!

15:49We've got another problem.

15:52Where's Katie?

15:57What?

15:58Katie, we have summoned you here today to talk about your fart book profile.

16:04Super.

16:05Let's listen.

16:14Problem?

16:15Those are cat farts.

16:27Right.

16:28You got a picture of your cat under each one of your farts.

16:31Well, it's not my cat, it's just a barn cat.

16:34Seen a coon having sex with a barn cat on top of my truck one time, fuck.

16:38What's the nature of that, David Suzuki?

16:41No one cares about your cat's farts.

16:47But look how cute they are.

16:48Not to be impolite, but you're the only one who thinks so.

16:52Everybody who's got a cat, or a kid, is gonna think their cat's or kid's farts are super special and unique.

17:00They're not.

17:01They're just a cat or a kid fart.

17:04In addition, you have been updating new farts from your cat almost hourly.

17:10Well, that's just because there's so many cute farts like I can't even keep up.

17:21Kate, what is this fucking gong shift?

17:24We're supposed to be napping right now, boys.

17:27What?

17:28We're at home, in the middle of a Chell tournament, with big dingers in.

17:33When we see you've been liking all this Duster's farts on Fartbook.

17:38None of this beauty's farts.

17:40And not one of this grain-fed, USDA-certified, 100% non-animal-tested, organic beauty.

17:51Not one.

17:52Thanks, buddy. You're welcome.

17:53So?

17:54So he's gonna think you wanna fucking wheel him!

17:57He's gonna think that you wanna turn on the jets!

17:59Because I like his farts.

18:01Yes!

18:02I'm just pushing a button. It doesn't mean anything.

18:06What the fuck are you looking at, you fucking pylon?

18:11Fucking vampire!

18:12Hype down, idiots! Get in the house!

18:16Now!

18:17I'm gonna get you, you fucking pheasant!

18:22We're coming, Fezzy!

18:24Ha!

18:25Guys!

18:26Well, you're having quite a day, Super Chief.

18:32We've got another problem.

18:35Where's Glenn?

18:38Daryl.

18:39Rage Monkeys.

18:40Daniel!

18:42Why?

18:43We've summoned you here today to talk to you about your fart book profile.

18:47Allons-y!

18:48You have no photos and no farts, but are friends with everyone along for the test drive.

18:56Well, I'm not friends with everyone. I'm not friends with Wayne yet.

19:01But I wanna be.

19:03It seems as though you were just cruising through fart book, liking and commenting on everyone's farts, but contributing nothing yourself.

19:16I am as God made me.

19:18Blessed with a very healthy gastrointestinal system. Not super farty.

19:24What you're doing is called creeping.

19:27Not what fart book is all about.

19:29I genuinely enjoy farts.

19:30You can't just go around creeping other people's farts.

19:34What the truck is wrong with that?

19:37If you continue to misuse a fart book, we'll have to suspend your membership.

19:44Fine. Fine. Fluff you then.

19:49I have millions, and I mean millions of ways of hearing unlimited farts.

19:55We're done here, Glenn.

19:58Are we, though?

20:00I think we should pump the brakes on fart book.

20:03I think we should pump the brakes on fart book.

20:06It's a Texas size 10-4.

20:07Why?

20:08It's kicking up too much dust.

20:09We haven't even gotten into it, and already folks are getting chapped asses.

20:11Well, that's their problem, not ours.

20:12This is our problem.

20:14We started fart book so that good folks could share farts with other good folks.

20:15That's it.

20:17Not creeping farts or spam farts.

20:20Although if you eat spam, you'll get good farts.

20:23Farts should never come between the love of a man and a woman.

20:26It's not right.

20:27You don't get 500 million farts.

20:28You don't get 500 million farts without making a few sharts.

20:31Exactly.

20:32So what are you saying?

20:33You don't get 500 million farts?

20:34You don't get 500 million farts without making a few sharts.

20:35Exactly.

20:36So what are you saying?

20:49I mean, you don't get 500 million farts without making a few sharts.

20:59Exactly.

21:01So what are you saying?

21:05Fart Book dies today.

21:09Today, Fart Book is dead.

21:14Oh, you think so?

21:16I'm with the fellas on this one.

21:18It's not why we invented it.

21:20Ha!

21:22You invented it!

21:23Our idea!

21:25We built the site!

21:31You know, you really don't need a forensics team to get to the bottom of this.

21:35If you were the Avengers of Fart Book, you'd have invented Fart Book.

21:39Hold your horses there.

21:41Put this to a vote.

21:44Those four closing down Fart Book, raise your hands.

21:51Those against.

21:55But we own 30%.

21:57This isn't fair!

22:00Well, I'll fucking shut up!

22:01If you want to sit in our backs and call yourself tall, then you have every right to do so.

22:09But don't think that we're going to sit here and enjoy listening to you lie.

22:13You have a bit of our attention.

22:15You have the smallest bit of our attention.

22:18When do we ask for your attention?

22:19The rest of our attention is back at the offices of Fart Book,

22:22where my friends and I are doing things that no one on this farm,

22:25especially and including you idiots,

22:27are intellectually, creatively, artistically, emotionally,

22:31or spiritually capable of doing.

22:33Have I adequately answered your condescending question?

22:36What question?

22:38Fart!

22:38You better lawyer up, asshole.

22:42Because I'm not coming back for 30%.

22:45I'm coming back for everything.

22:51I...

22:52I don't know what happened just now.

22:55No...

23:08No...

23:10No...

23:11No...

23:13No...

23:17You're thinking about Fart Book.

23:19What about it, big shits?

23:21You didn't able to be pulled the cord too quick on that, you parachutes.

23:26I miss it too, three-point shoots.

23:29I was on there a lot.

23:32Too much, likely.

23:34I was always checking it.

23:36It was very addicting.

23:38Except you never really stopped to think about one thing, did you?

23:42Ripping farts into your computer doesn't exactly spike the likelihood of having sex with girls.

23:48Hey!

23:55Hey!

23:57Hey!

23:58Not now.

23:59Need 20 minutes.

24:01Okay.

24:02Just wanted to let you know Glenn stole our website.

24:05It's been live for more than 36 hours.

24:09Hey!

24:10Fuck it!

24:13Oh, for fuck's sake!

24:15Jesus!

24:15What the fuck!

24:16Fuck!

24:19Fuckin' sort yourselves out.

24:20Nope, Tom!

24:21Cheese and rice.

24:49I can't remember the last time five men came in this church so aggressively.

24:56Oh, can I?

24:58You stole our idea.

24:59Mmm.

25:00Are you referring to Christian Fart Mingle?

25:03What's that?

25:04It's like Christian Mingle, but they're farts.

25:07We asked you to help with our idea, then you went behind our back, and you stole it.

25:12I didn't, excuse, I blew, oh my god.

25:14Those are some hairy allegations that you are firing.

25:17At my face.

25:20All y'all allegations, all of them, completely freaking false, baseless.

25:25How?

25:27Stuart, I did not steal anything, because the last time I checked, taking advantage of a growing trend was not stealing.

25:35What trend?

25:36I'll tell you.

25:38The first little thing I him.

25:39No.

25:40No.

25:41Fine.

25:41Look, y'all had a good idea, all right?

25:45You had a terrific idea.

25:46Congratulations.

25:47But did you actually think you were the only ones in the world to have it?

25:53What are you talking about?

25:56I'm talking about fart culture, Stuart.

25:59It's all the rage.

26:00It's everywhere.

26:03You don't...

26:04Nothing.

26:05Hey, we don't.

26:07Glenn will show you.

26:09You ever heard of plenty of farts?

26:10I've heard of plenty of fish.

26:15Well, it's very much like that, except for farts.

26:19Here.

26:19Here's the one I like best.

26:22Called fart filter.

26:23And I like it because you can put different filters on all of your farts, and it's fun.

26:27So here, I'll just show you how it works.

26:29This one, no filter.

26:31Nothing.

26:31Who cares?

26:38Not glad.

26:39What?

26:40Vanilla.

26:41Pedestrian.

26:42I'm not interested.

26:44However, shove that baby through the Hudson filter.

26:48What's she going to sound like?

26:55Now, there's the renovation.

26:57Now, suck on your Sutro filter.

27:01Now, boys, because I'm feeling generous, and we're in the Lord's house, I'm going to play

27:13you the filter that I invented myself.

27:16I call it Valencia.

27:20Well, there's the whole site devoted to gluten-free farts.

27:37The point is, it's out there, boys.

27:41It's happened.

27:42The idea lives in the world.

27:44Y'all, y'all are too slow.

27:46Slow on the uptake.

27:47Sad story.

27:48Boo-hoo.

27:49Toot-toot.

27:50Go away.

27:51Let's go.

27:53Bad fakes, dumb fakes, angry.

27:54You better slow down there, big shoots.

28:09Tomorrow's going to be a great day for Hay.

28:11If you can be a man at night, you can be a man in the morning.

28:15Wayne, how come you didn't join fart books?

28:17You're not supposed to fart in front of girls.

28:20What?

28:21There's certain things that should stay sacred between a man and a woman.

28:24So all things considered, this whole thing's pretty fucking juvenile, if I do say so myself.

28:30If she's always listening to your ass acoustics, or even worse, smelling them, I guarantee she'll be slower and slower to crawl into bed with you at night.

28:39What you just said is outrageous.

28:42No, it is, and it's true.

28:44I don't want to be smelling a dude's ass all the time.

28:47Get real.

28:48What are you, some kind of fart purist?

28:50So what are you supposed to do, just hold it in?

28:53Or take a shit, you fucking degenerate.

28:55Speaking of shits, my second cousin's got IBS.

28:59Who, Garrett?

29:00No, Garrett.

29:02IBS, the International Business Solution.

29:05No, no.

29:07IBS stands for Irritables Bowel Syndromes.

29:10Anywho, when he was a kid, jackass comes out on the air, so it becomes real popular in his high school

29:17for kids to start taking shits in places that weren't meant for taking shits in.

29:22He calls that guerrilla shitting.

29:24This is a true story.

29:26So he became real popular with his friends, well, with his ability to take a shits pert near any time he needed to.

29:32They calls him up when they gets an idea of a place that needed a shits taken in,

29:37and be like, hey, why don't you come over here and take the shits?

29:41Anyhow, it's one time his pal texts him up, and he says, hey, why don't you come take a shits in the girl's bathroom?

29:48So he drinks a coffee, eats a bread muffin, heads on down to the washroom there.

29:52But when he opens the bathroom door, what does he find but this pretty young girl just dropping a shits

29:57right there in the middle of the bathroom floor?

30:00And that's how he met his lovely Eunice, and they fells in love, and they've been together ever since.

30:05They raised three little shits.

30:07So, with all dues respect, Miss Katie, there is a market for gentlemen's what can find ladies who like, uh, farts, or shits, or even guerrilla shittings.