- 6 months ago
Letterkenny Season 1 Episode 1 Ain't No Reason To Get Excited
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TVTranscript
00:00A couple hockey players come up the produce stand the other day.
00:18Bye.
00:19Can't believe your sister's still dating you, not sex.
00:22Wayne?
00:23How are you now?
00:24Good, and you?
00:25Not so bad.
00:26Hey, Katie.
00:27Go home, Daryl.
00:30Nice onesie.
00:32You come in men's?
00:33Oh, I think you come in men enough for all of us.
00:35I think you better come in my...
00:37I mean, you better come...
00:39I think you better come say that to his face, you fucking hicks.
00:43Nice execution.
00:44You're doing terrific.
00:45Hey, I heard about your breakup, buddy.
00:47She's a sweetie for, what, five years, right?
00:50You're a high school sweetie, right?
00:52What's it to you?
00:53Heard she cheated on you, buddy.
00:54That's a real kick in the knackers, bro.
00:56Just a real ouchie, bro.
00:58It's too bad she taught you not to fight it anymore, buddy.
01:01Cause that's a fight on site for you and her new guy, buddy.
01:03Fourth life for life, bro.
01:05Maybe if you'd ever been in a real fight, you might not be so keen for another.
01:09What'd you say?
01:11You heard me.
01:13Almost better.
01:15Tarps off, boys.
01:17You looking for a tilly, buddy?
01:19Let's have a doink, bro!
01:20Pump the brakes.
01:21You take your shirt off, but leave your sunglasses on.
01:23What sort of backwards fucking pageantry is that?
01:26You gonna fight with those shades or play at PokerStars.com?
01:29Pull my spitter.
01:30Dude, I can't hold your spitter.
01:31I can hold my spitter.
01:32Just put the spitter down.
01:33Tick tock!
01:41Go time!
01:42Go time!
01:43Look at that fucking treasure trail.
01:45What's up with your fucking body hair, Big Shoots?
01:47You look like a 12-year-old Dutch girl.
01:50Your aesthetician quaffed that for you?
01:52You can kiss my aesthetician.
01:54You guys do CrossFit?
01:55You can cross fuck off.
01:56Crossfart.
01:57How many times you pulled your horn today, bud?
01:59What?
02:00Oh, she's bashful.
02:01Oh, come on, kitten.
02:02I won't tell anyone.
02:05Ballpark six to eight.
02:06You're a fucking animal.
02:07Play a little five-on-one.
02:08Hit the kitchen.
02:09Mix a bat.
02:10Feed the ducks.
02:11Distribute some free literature.
02:13Go time!
02:14Fucking...
02:15Shut him!
02:16Riley!
02:17Jonesy!
02:18Put your fucking shirts on and get out of here.
02:21This isn't over!
02:22Jinx, you owe me a Coke.
02:24I'll never buy you a Coke.
02:33It's a hard life picking stones and pulling teats,
02:36but sure as God's got sandals it beats fighting dudes with treasure trails.
02:44Hey, Katie.
02:45We're out of yogurt.
02:46Got some from home.
02:47Why don't you stay there and eat it?
02:48Morning, Gary.
02:49Morning.
02:51Hey, Katie.
02:52We're out of yogurt.
02:53Got some from home.
02:54Why don't you stay there and eat it?
02:55Morning, Gary.
02:56Morning.
02:58Welcome.
02:59Did you talk to Angie yet?
03:00It's been almost a month now.
03:01Think you need to get back on the horse.
03:02She stepped out on you.
03:03Can't go back to that and get any respect.
03:04Not in Letterkenny.
03:05Not in Letterkenny.
03:06I mean, Angie did you a lot of good.
03:07Somewhere along the way you kind of got soft.
03:08You're not even fighting anymore.
03:09You know what you need?
03:10Sex.
03:11With a girl.
03:12Not with just any girl.
03:13A good Christian girl.
03:14I think I can help you.
03:15I've been going to the Burning Bush youth group every Sunday.
03:16I think you should come with me.
03:17I think you should just eat your yogurt.
03:18There's millions of starving kids in the world.
03:19Yeah, name ten.
03:47You need a distraction.
03:54Something fun.
03:56Look at this.
04:01It's called Tinder.
04:02Look, see, there's all these girls, and if you don't like one, you just say,
04:07Nope, move on to the next.
04:09But if you do like one, you can see how close they are and, I don't know, maybe meet up.
04:14Or whatever.
04:16So if you like them, you just type out a message, or what's the scoop?
04:21Yeah, you just, I don't know, say something like,
04:27Like, on a scale of one to America, how free are you right now?
04:36Ah, Jesus, look at these nut sacks.
04:41Why do you hate them so much?
04:42Those hockey players would grab a monkey by the tit if they could.
04:46Smokes are for jokes, bud.
04:49Put it out for it puts you out, bud.
04:51Trash the ass, pal.
04:52Ha ha.
04:55Oh, put it, put it out.
05:00Put it out, put it out, put it out, put it out, put it out, put it out, put it out, put it out, put it out.
05:02Tell the fish hook story, Dan.
05:07It's really more of a Wayne story.
05:09Oh, but he won't tell it.
05:11Oh, he's heard it a baker's dozen times.
05:13Tell the story, he won't shut up.
05:15Is there any more trail mix?
05:17In the house.
05:18He's makes the most delicious trail mix, Katie,
05:21and I gots to say, that's what I appreciates about you.
05:25Is that what you appreciate about me?
05:26Pitter-powder squirrely down.
05:29So, as the story goes,
05:31Wayne hucks an egg at a truck
05:33with a Confederate flag in the back windshield,
05:35and the driver's fuming piss,
05:38so we flee the scene going full tilt
05:40like a Peterbilt, right?
05:41Well, the Federales catch up to us
05:43and chase us through a few backyards
05:45before we scamper up into some trees.
05:48And all Wayne's got on
05:49is a pair of cut-off jean shorts.
05:52So you ain't exactly super jazzed
05:53about the situation, was you, Wayne?
05:55Oh, I'm no DJ Jazzy Jeff.
05:57So the Federales pulls out his taser
06:00and he points it up at Wayne
06:01and he says some real Clint Eastwood-sounded shit.
06:04He says to Wayne, he says,
06:07if I'd known I was gonna run
06:08into some uptown street toughs today,
06:11I'd have done up my top button.
06:14That's a real John Wayne motion picture.
06:16Oh, cool, huh, Luke?
06:17Pertany or anything, Kevin Costner, really.
06:20Either way, I's impressed,
06:22and I let out an audible gasp.
06:24So he hears me, spins around,
06:26aims the taser up at me, and lets fire.
06:29And if that thing doesn't latch on to my nipple ring,
06:32which I'm pretty sure amplified the electric current
06:35he sent coursing through my entire body.
06:37And they just walked over
06:38and yanked that thing out of my nipple
06:40like it was a goddamn fishhook.
06:42At least that's according to my cousin.
06:44Well, you know, my second cousin.
06:46Who, Garrett?
06:47No, Jarrett.
06:48Huh.
06:49I cried.
06:50I'm not even ashamed to admit that.
06:52That was well brought up.
06:55Too bad you weren't.
06:57I should say.
06:59Thirsty Thursdays, boys.
07:01Might as well get balls deep
07:02in a bottle of Gus and brew tonight.
07:07It's a four-leaf clover.
07:08Make a wish.
07:09Wish you weren't so fucking awkward, bud.
07:14Is Angie working?
07:20Better have a peek-see, Wayne.
07:30How are you?
07:31Not too bad.
07:32Good and you.
07:33Not too bad.
07:35Smells like someone's in their barn clothes.
07:38That's Jarrett.
07:39Four shots of Gus and brew, please and thank you.
07:42One for you, too, Gaylor.
07:43Thank you, Wayne, but I'm not with the sauce.
07:46Taking eight vitamins a day now.
07:49What are you taking?
07:49I'm taking multivitamin, fish oil, vitamin C, vitamin D, two vitamin B complexes, and two
07:58cold FXs.
07:59Yeah, but except how many darts?
08:01Twenty, twenty-five darts.
08:02Oh, you got her down then.
08:03Last I seen you, you were on a pack and a half of smoke.
08:06Well, sometimes I'll have a pack and a half smoke, but never more than two packs of smoke.
08:09Good enough.
08:10All right, well, be rude.
08:18I don't think it feels.
08:19Oh, fuck.
08:22I'm about to give birth to a pound of fudge.
08:24Wayne.
08:32McMurray, how are you now?
08:34Good and you?
08:35Not so bad.
08:36Seen Angie with her new dude.
08:38What a fucking dandy.
08:40Yeah.
08:40He's got Fugazi diamonds in both ears and leprechaun buckles on his shoes.
08:45He's running a fucking dippity-doo convention upstairs for a salad, driving a 94 Jeep YJ with
08:50a wave deck along the side.
08:52Enough alone to wolf in the Bangkok ladyboy.
08:55Good enough.
08:56Don't you want to hear the best part?
08:57You're going to want to hear the best part.
09:00Okay.
09:01You want full beaver eyes?
09:03What?
09:04Beaver eyes.
09:07Wayne.
09:11Wayne.
09:13Wayne, look.
09:14It's inappropriate, McMurray.
09:16Wayne, just look, for fuck's sakes.
09:18Just fucking look, Wayne.
09:23Full beaver eyes.
09:24What's that?
09:26Beaver.
09:27The pod star.
09:29I'm not familiar with this word.
09:36This must be where the dicks hang out, eh?
09:40Our dicks hang out.
09:42Yours is like a mushroom in a cornfield.
09:44Mind your fucking business, Alexander.
09:48Seen Angie with her new dude.
09:50What a fucking dandy.
09:52Eyes on your own work there, Super Chief.
09:54Thank Christ, Wayne.
10:04I'm pushing claws here.
10:06Get out of the way.
10:07I'm growing a tail.
10:10Wayne, I'd like to quarterly invite you to the Burning Bush Youth Group this Sunday for an evening of song and praise.
10:16Hard no.
10:17My sweetie, Margaret, is a first-class girl.
10:20She's got some friends she can introduce you to.
10:22Margaret sounds like a bitty old blue hair.
10:25She's not.
10:26She's a very focused young woman on a path to eternity with Christ.
10:30And which part of that appeals to you?
10:35I like singing the songs.
10:36Sort yourself out.
10:38You're a pervert, Dan.
10:43Jesus.
10:44Your breath could stop a Mack truck right now.
10:46All right.
10:47Cool it.
10:48Let's say we go for a quick ice run, Wayne.
10:52I've been pushing up on you for years now.
10:55Let's say you give old Gail her one for the Scott book.
10:58I'll do the Youth Group.
11:09All right.
11:11Gail, looks like the gel is allergic to flush.
11:14Bring the plunger.
11:15We may have to break this one up.
11:17Told you to flush as you go.
11:19Fuck.
11:28Hi, Daryl.
11:57Christ be with you.
11:59Margaret.
12:01And you must be Wayne.
12:03Mm-hmm.
12:03Christ be with you, Wayne.
12:05Hello.
12:06How are yous?
12:08I'm not so bad.
12:09Good and you?
12:10Perfect.
12:12You made a good choice coming here tonight.
12:15Yeah, why is that?
12:19Hold your finger here for as long as you can.
12:23What, for?
12:27All right.
12:31Now imagine your soul engulfed in that for all of eternity.
12:35Okay.
12:42God is good.
12:44That's how they get you.
12:47Wayne's been going through a bit of a rough breakup.
12:50I thought a night the burning bush might help him out.
12:52Liz is bad into spending all his time on Tinder.
12:56Tinder?
12:58Did you know that it was originally called Grindr and it was made for gay men to sodomize each other?
13:03No.
13:07Yeah.
13:08Good way to get a finger in your bum.
13:11Or a tongue in your bum.
13:14Do you know what dick dingers are?
13:18No.
13:19It's when they snort drugs off each other's erect penises.
13:23That have just been in bums.
13:24Oh, my gourd.
13:27Look at this turnout.
13:29Hi, everybody.
13:33Quick question for all y'all.
13:35How good is God?
13:40I know.
13:41I know.
13:42I love him.
13:43He's the best.
13:44There's almost no one I like more.
13:46Second question.
13:47Has anyone seen, where is my beautiful girlfriend, Virginia?
13:51Jenny, where are you?
13:53There she is.
13:53Jenny, come up here.
13:54Come up, Jenny.
13:55Come on.
13:56Oh, Jenny.
13:59Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
14:01I still remember, like it was yesterday, the day that the Lord gave you to me.
14:08And he said, Glenn, this is your blank canvas.
14:15It is pale.
14:16It is colorless.
14:17It is almost cardboard-like.
14:19I want you to give it life, to give it color.
14:24And I said to the Lord, I will give it everything.
14:28Everything.
14:29Except for one thing.
14:32Another question?
14:33Come on.
14:35Vaginal intercourse.
14:37And guess what, boys and girls?
14:43You're in for something special, because we got the Salty Treats.
14:58What the actual fuck is this place?
15:02Why can't you just enjoy yourself?
15:04It's because I get on this Tinder thing.
15:06You know, they tell me it's for finding dudes.
15:09But that's some bullshit, right?
15:11I don't know.
15:13You want some strawberry lemonade?
15:14I haven't seen this sort of fucking bedlam since we fired Roman candles at coyotes that night
15:19and caught one right in the butthole.
15:21Fuck.
15:22Ran up the back porch, dropped seven shades of shit in Dad's work boots.
15:26There's been a wolf.
15:27There's wolves in the back bush.
15:28There's for sure mooses.
15:30They're dark.
15:31They're dark.
15:31Oh, fucking Grindr.
15:52Grindr?
15:55Grindr!
15:56What?
15:57What are you telling me you're doing on Grindr, wait?
15:59What are you skids doing out of your parents' basement, Stuart?
16:02Educate them.
16:02The gang and I have been doing hip-hop karaoke for the better part of 48 hours.
16:05I've been on the decks.
16:06One to choose.
16:07The entire 48.
16:08Subsequently, spitting hot fire.
16:10Played Mega Man, Final Fantasy, and original NES.
16:12Pop on Gold and Game Boy Color.
16:14I've got them all.
16:14I have Azor, Bulbazor, Venusaur, Charmeleon, Charazor, and fucking Charmander.
16:18Charmander, Charmander.
16:20Time to take the 20% off the meth intake, boys.
16:23Did you ever play Dr. Mary on Super NES?
16:25Oh, game is full of subliminal messages.
16:29Hunter S. Thompson went out of field today.
16:30What's the rest?
16:32Charles Bukowski.
16:33Oh, yeah, Chuck Bukowski.
16:35That's a better one, Stuart.
16:36Did you ever play Aladdin on Original Stig and Genie?
16:38Coffee, cheese.
16:39Sega!
16:39Lion King was far ahead of its time.
16:41Makes you think far beyond your years.
16:44Disney games prevail!
16:45You got any weed?
16:47I always regret coming to the service with you daywalking Hicks.
16:51The minutia of your world.
16:53My basement resembles an island Xanadu in comparison.
16:56Okay.
16:57After a quick math tells me this time, however,
17:00you've been so agonized by a woman that you're now seeking the company of men.
17:06Okay, we've all thought about it.
17:08Good on you for doubling down.
17:09Although I didn't peg you for a pipe fitter, Wayne.
17:14Brrrr!
17:15Five years with Andrew, we figured you were a concrete clamslammer.
17:17Why drink from the furry cup when the garden nose is right there?
17:20Who do we like chutney powder today, fellas?
17:24Fucking what?
17:26Knob donkey.
17:26Uh, a backdoor bandit.
17:27I'm gay, but donut puncher?
17:29What's your name on the phone?
17:32Oh yeah, sure thing.
17:33Oklahoma.
17:34I remember your admiral.
17:35Up hill gardener.
17:37Bum bumper!
17:38This is awkward for me, you guys.
17:40Hey, it's okay.
17:41We know, but we support you.
17:44All right.
17:45That Donald Trump and brump!
17:52Phone.
17:52Okay.
17:54But only because you have this weird...
17:57...menergy.
17:59Menergy!
18:00How about you?
18:01Oh.
18:02Oh, sorry.
18:07That's a great name for a spa.
18:09Oh.
18:09Oh.
18:10Oh.
18:10Oh.
18:11Oh.
18:11Oh.
18:11Oh.
18:12Oh.
18:12Oh.
18:12Oh.
18:12Oh.
18:13Oh.
18:14Oh.
18:14Oh.
18:15Oh.
18:15Oh.
18:16Oh.
18:17Oh.
18:18Oh.
18:19Oh.
18:20Oh.
18:21Oh.
18:22Oh.
18:22Oh.
18:22Oh.
18:25Oh.
18:26Oh.
18:26Stop it.
18:26You know I love ripping dead.
18:52You don't change your attitude, you're going to lose out on all the girls.
19:03Like the 12-year-olds or the 13-year-olds?
19:07Well, have you noticed all the well-groomed dudes here?
19:09You missed the best part.
19:11You missed the best part.
19:13I just did a didger-redu solo.
19:17Well, that's pretty much it.
19:19You guys want to get some milkshakes?
19:20I think Modine's is open.
19:21I think Modine's is open.
19:22Boy, howdy.
19:23Well, well, well.
19:25Gerald!
19:26Girl!
19:27Why?
19:28I've been surprised to see you here, if I'm being honest.
19:33I didn't realize you were a big fan of the didger.
19:36Oh.
19:37More of a didgeridon't.
19:40Aw.
19:41More of a didgeridon't.
19:56What are you doing with the bird towel, Wayne?
19:58Didn't we just catch you cruising, Ryder?
20:01Come again?
20:03Hey, shouldn't you boys be watching front-night lights with a gym sock on your joystick?
20:07Sure, Tim Riggins.
20:08That fucking deer is funny.
20:09Take a little One Tree Hill and maybe some Gossip Girl.
20:11However, I think we got some bigger fish to fry right here.
20:14Looking for love over the rainbow now, are we, Dorothy?
20:18I hate you, but can confirm deer season's over.
20:22He's hot and bare now!
20:26I fucking hate you, too.
20:27However, I fucking hate him more, and I just found out he's ambidextrous.
20:32What are they talking about, Wayne?
20:34He likes dicks now.
20:35In his ball, or his mouth, all over.
20:38Oh, my God, that's Angie's new boyfriend?
20:40Oh, that's that city boy.
20:42You're in a day!
20:44What a skirt.
20:45What a skirt.
20:46What a shirt.
20:47Oh, my God.
20:48Fuck Lemony Snakeo.
20:49What a series of unfortunate events you've fucking been through, you ugly fuck.
21:03Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
21:04Fuck you, Stuart.
21:05Hey, fuck you, Stuart.
21:06Hey, fuck you, Seward!
21:08Oh yeah, you fucked yourself.
21:36You must be having a fun night.
21:41Er, bro is gay.
21:45LMFAO, in all caps, from Riley.
21:51Wayne, you remember when you were 19,
21:55those warm pickers kept coming in the night and trampling on our beans?
21:59What'd you do?
22:01Dog six-foot holes put a skunk in each one
22:05and waited for him to fall in?
22:07Remember when the skids egged Daryl on his bike?
22:10What'd you do?
22:12Put stink bombs in the Nerf gun
22:14and fired it at him on prom night.
22:18Remember when he came in from Shorn
22:20and found those messages on my computer
22:22from a guy calling me a slut?
22:24I wanted to peace that guy for a long time.
22:26He drove over to his house
22:28and broke his nose on his front lawn.
22:30You know, I miss that, Wayne.
22:35I think a lot of people do.
22:38It's for the better.
22:39The better.
22:44Whoa.
22:45Whoa.
22:46Whoa.
22:47Whoa.
22:48You made it.
22:49Whoa.
22:50And I'm pissing in the garbage.
22:52There we go.
22:53Whoa.
22:54Whoa.
22:55Whoa.
22:56Whoa.
22:57Whoa.
22:58Whoa.
22:59Whoa.
23:00Whoa.
23:01Whoa.
23:02Whoa.
23:03Whoa.
23:04Whoa.
23:05Whoa.
23:06Whoa.
23:07Whoa.
23:08This.
23:09Is
23:11apagna.
23:11Isis
23:13sparta.
23:24Whoop.
23:25Oh.
23:26Fuck.
23:26The hell are you doing?
23:27I'd ask you the same thing, you fucking tip.
23:29I'm tiping an idiot.
23:31I'm not sneaking up on dudes
23:32and starting fights.
23:34I'm not fighting you.
23:35I'm smacking you.
23:36Oh, that's right.
23:37You don't fight anymore, do you?
23:40I figured I'd have one on deck for sure after I stole your girl.
23:46Nothing, eh?
23:48No move?
23:50She must have trained you well.
23:53So what's it gonna take to get you back on the horse there, champ?
23:57Do I go inside and spread Angie right out on the bar when she gets here?
24:01I fucked your girl more times than you, that hot meal.
24:04Oh, maybe your sister wants to join us.
24:09It's Katie, right?
24:10Shit.
24:12Why don't I go over there and ask her myself?
24:17The elevator opens for no one.
24:23And plans are making me...
24:26Pull your pants up, Alexander.
24:28I'm paralyzed into you.
24:31And plans are making me...
24:36Come this far.
24:38And plans are making me...
24:43Everyone looks like everyone.
24:49Just like snowflakes we're already there.
24:52Got too busy to accept it.
24:57Got too busy to accept it.
25:00And we already can.
25:05And we are already there.
25:11Everyone looks like everyone.
25:14Passing days just like
25:19But I come
25:21This one time
25:24This friend of mine
25:26Welcome to Fox and Latterton
25:29No way that was me
25:31No way that was me
25:37They are there
25:40Open for no one
25:42And Colin's all right in there
25:48Good to have you back, big brother
26:05Hey, Katie
26:07Go home, Daryl
26:12Bye, Wayne
26:16Have a good one, bro
26:17Later, buddy
26:18Here's your home
26:20Like a wild wolf pack
26:21We about to fall back
26:25Let it out
26:26Let it loose
26:27Like years and years
26:28Quick one scatter
26:30Forty hills
26:31Is what you better do
26:32That's what you better do
26:36That's what you better do
26:40Straight out the motherfuck
26:48Backwater
26:49Boondocks
26:50Something brand new
26:51The gold slam
26:52On the jukebox
26:53Slim Jim
26:54Round the clock
26:55Till the wig split
26:57Heat up the soup pot
26:58Pop up the big shit
27:00Hit up
27:02Is your own step back
27:04Too high foam
27:05I am on my jackpack
27:07I am on the picture
27:09Grind, zombies
27:09For the setback
27:11People need to clean it up
27:12People need a wet nap
27:14Fuck that
27:16Keep the sandpaper rugged
27:17Sandpaper rugged
27:19Sand, sandpaper rugged
27:21Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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