- 2 days ago
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00:00:00In the long summer of 1890, a young lady decided to write her first novel.
00:00:23She wrote a chapter a day between breakfast and bath time
00:00:27and delivered it to her parents in a stout, tuppeny exercise book exactly twelve days later.
00:00:44The young lady's name was Daisy Ashford, and she wrote it when she was nine years old.
00:00:51Let's bask under the spreading trees, said Bernard.
00:00:57She called it The Young Visitors, or Mr. Saltina's Plan.
00:01:04How lovely, Bernard, gasped Ethel.
00:01:08After several years, a publisher discovered it, lying in lavender, as it were, amongst her mother's papers.
00:01:15To this day, it has never once been out of print.
00:01:23Mr. Saltina was an elderly man of 42, and was fond of asking people to stay with him.
00:01:29He had black, twisty hair, with pale blue eyes, and wore a topper every day as he thought it more becoming.
00:01:36He lived a very lonely life in East Dulwich, and wished daily for a lifelong wife and helpmeet.
00:01:46But sadly, none was forthcoming.
00:01:48Then, one evening, coming home on the 7.39, something occurred, which changed his whole life beyond his wildest imaginings.
00:02:02Could you listen to me, please?
00:02:04Ethel?
00:02:05Yes.
00:02:06Real gentleman.
00:02:07Let that mingle in society.
00:02:10Lords and dukes and what have you.
00:02:14Well, find them, then.
00:02:17Trying to find them, aren't I?
00:02:19Now, then.
00:02:20Now, then.
00:02:21Now, then.
00:02:22Where is this?
00:02:23Oh, yes.
00:02:24Society page.
00:02:25Ah!
00:02:26Like out Wimbledon.
00:02:27Is he by joe?
00:02:28Ah!
00:02:29And the duke.
00:02:30Oh!
00:02:31Oh!
00:02:32Oh!
00:02:33Oh!
00:02:34Oh!
00:02:35Oh!
00:02:36Oh!
00:02:37Oh!
00:02:38Oh!
00:02:39Oh!
00:02:40Oh!
00:02:41Oh!
00:02:42Oh!
00:02:43Oh!
00:02:44Oh!
00:02:45Oh!
00:02:46Oh!
00:02:47Oh!
00:02:48Oh!
00:02:50What a그렇le!
00:02:51Oh!
00:02:52Oh!
00:02:53Oh!
00:02:54Oh!
00:02:55Oh!
00:02:56Oh!
00:02:57What a scare, dear.
00:02:58What a Presentison.
00:02:59What a scam!
00:03:00Oh!
00:03:01Oh!
00:03:02Oh!
00:03:03What?
00:03:04Oh!
00:03:05Oh!
00:03:06Oh!
00:03:07Oh!
00:03:08No!
00:03:09Oh!
00:03:10Thank you!
00:03:11Oh!
00:03:12Oh my go!
00:03:14Oh!
00:03:15Oh!
00:03:16All right!
00:03:17What a scam!
00:03:18Dear me!
00:03:19Alfred Soltina.
00:03:27Baronet.
00:03:28Oh, Baronet.
00:03:29Yes.
00:03:30March, March, yes.
00:03:31Castles and stately homes.
00:03:33Oh, stately homes.
00:03:36Creme de la creme.
00:03:38Top people.
00:03:41Royalty.
00:03:42Oh, my goodness me.
00:03:44Yes.
00:03:45Let me just check my appointments, Lyrie.
00:03:49Ah, yes.
00:03:52Quite busy, of course.
00:03:55I don't see any reason why I can't rearrange my schedule.
00:04:02Yes.
00:04:03Can we moved?
00:04:05Yes, I don't see any problem with it at all.
00:04:09Yes, I should be able to accommodate.
00:04:12And very satisfactorily.
00:04:17And so it was agreed that Ethel Montague should come for a stop with Mr. Soltina to meet with all the dukes and nobles of East Dulwich.
00:04:27Absolutely splendid, said he, with joy spreading on his merry demeanor and a bouncy new spring on his step.
00:04:39Splendid.
00:04:40Splendid.
00:04:41Absolutely splendid.
00:04:42Splendid.
00:04:43Splendid.
00:04:44Absolutely splendid.
00:04:45Yeah.
00:04:47No.
00:04:48No.
00:04:49No.
00:04:50No.
00:04:51Rosalind?
00:04:52No.
00:04:53No.
00:04:54No.
00:04:55No.
00:04:56No.
00:04:57No.
00:04:58No.
00:04:59No.
00:05:00No.
00:05:01No.
00:05:02No.
00:05:03No.
00:05:04No.
00:05:05No.
00:05:06person to stay so if tomorrow so tomorrow that's right yes miss Montague
00:05:13Ethel Montague so if you'd prepare the spare room and purchase foodstuffs and
00:05:19soaps and so forth so she can wash herself thank you Rosalind thank you
00:05:25dear Lord Clark I thought I would write to you and hope you don't mind
00:05:54I was wondering if you might recollect me bumping into you at a recent function
00:06:00thank you sir
00:06:24so
00:06:31so
00:06:38so
00:06:45so
00:06:50Rosalind
00:07:13Rosalind
00:07:41so
00:08:09shall I show in sir
00:08:12right good yes show in please if you would please
00:08:17thank you sir
00:08:18I'll wait here
00:08:19very good sir
00:08:21Miss Ethel Montague sir
00:08:34Miss Montague how charming to see you again if I may say so
00:08:41call me Ethel do
00:08:44Ethel why thank you and I hope you'll call me Alfred or if you prefer Alf
00:08:51very well
00:08:52may I extend to you a cordial welcome to East Dulwich and do not hesitate to ask regarding all your
00:09:02requirements thank you I should like to change my frock and put a more rouge upon my face
00:09:09but not that you need to do not that you need to thank you Rosalind
00:09:19thank you Rosalind thank you madam and my cases please yes Carrie Miss Montague's faces please Rosalind
00:09:26certainly sir
00:09:32thank you madam
00:09:33thank you madam
00:09:35it's quite small isn't it
00:09:47it's quite small isn't it
00:09:52when Mr Saltina had kindly insisted on making Ethel's room more habitable for her luggage
00:09:59they imbibed together a few drops of sherry wine after which she slept like a log
00:10:06Mr Saltina on the other hand barely slept a wink and could hardly wait till morning
00:10:18good morning Ethel
00:10:30good morning Alf
00:10:32Rosalind's laid you an egg I see
00:10:33yes thank you what a lovely frock you are wearing if I may say so
00:10:39unfortunately it's grown rather short in the sleeves
00:10:43to me it is a vision of loveliness
00:10:47thank you kind sir
00:10:49anyway
00:10:51yes Ethel
00:10:55when should we start mingling with all the gentlemen and society and so forth
00:11:01mingling and I thought we might start mingling today and where would we be mingling
00:11:11mingling and I thought probably here
00:11:21in East Dulwich
00:11:22to start with and then we
00:11:24when will we be meeting the dukes and the nobles
00:11:27the dukes and the nobles
00:11:29as promised
00:11:30absolutely
00:11:32um
00:11:33it's all been attended to
00:11:37good
00:11:38excuse me sir
00:11:43Rosalind how many times do I have to tell you to leave us in peace please
00:11:49very good sir
00:11:51Rosalind
00:11:56yes sir
00:11:58what is that strange shaped parcel you are holding might I ask
00:12:03it just arrived just now sir
00:12:05well might I see it please
00:12:08very good sir
00:12:10well well parcels do turn queer
00:12:17my dear Alfred I am inviting you to come for a stop with me in the
00:12:40in my castle
00:12:43as I am a lonely man in a remote spot
00:12:47and though I like people and parties I do not know many
00:12:51and I have sent you a top hat
00:12:55wrapped in tissue paper inside the box
00:13:00by the way please bring with you any young lady
00:13:05who may be staying with you whichever is prettiest in the face
00:13:10yours truly
00:13:12Bernard Clarke
00:13:14Lord
00:13:16well well Bernard Clarke
00:13:22Bernard Clarke
00:13:26Lord Clarke
00:13:28old chum of mine
00:13:30Lord Clarke
00:13:32that's right yes
00:13:34so are you going to try it on then Alf
00:13:36I beg your pardon
00:13:37the hat
00:13:39oh
00:13:41it suits you Alf
00:13:48I fear the ribbon is rather too flighty for my age
00:13:53would you like a spell with Bernard Ethel in his castle were I to arrange it
00:14:00if you wish
00:14:03goodbye sir
00:14:10I have placed half a crown under the master teapot
00:14:13thank you sir
00:14:15take care of your bronchitis Ethel
00:14:18Rosalind
00:14:20Rosalind
00:14:21Rosalind
00:14:22thank you sir
00:14:27sorry sorry
00:14:28we should be late the train
00:14:29yes I know I'm trying
00:14:30the cab is waiting
00:14:31I'll
00:14:32yes I know thank you driver
00:14:33good driver
00:14:59What's that through there, Alf?
00:15:20Through there?
00:15:21Yes.
00:15:24First class.
00:15:27So what are we, then?
00:15:30Second class?
00:15:33Do they serve afternoon tea in second class?
00:15:38No, they don't. Excuse me. Excuse me. This is the correct train for Brickamere, is it?
00:15:43Brickamere, that's right, it is, yes.
00:15:45Good, good. My young companion and myself are spending a few days at Brickamere Hall, as it happens.
00:15:50Personally invited by Lord Clarke, obviously. Do you know Lord Clarke at all, owner of Brickamere Hall?
00:15:57Owner of all the land thereabouts, all of this is his. The cows flashing past the window.
00:16:04Not surprising, really, as he is inclined to be rather rich.
00:16:08Brickamere Station. All those for Brickamere Hall, please.
00:16:18Welcome to Brickamere Hall.
00:16:21Brickamere Hall.
00:16:22Welcome to Brickamere. Welcome to Brickamere Hall. You're sure to have a ball.
00:16:34Excuse me, sir. Would you be for Brickamere Hall?
00:16:46Yes, we would, please. So is this young lady.
00:16:49Would you care to follow me, please?
00:16:56Oh, look at all this olive green plush.
00:17:01And that's just a thought, then.
00:17:04Hmm.
00:17:07Will he bring our luggage?
00:17:09Oh, I'm sure, yes.
00:17:12Ha! Just as I thought.
00:17:16Do we tip him, Alf?
00:17:18No, no, Ethel. We just, um, thank him politely at this stage.
00:17:25So when do we tip him?
00:17:27Uh, generally one leaves half a crown for, um, on the, um, dressing table upon departure.
00:17:34Half a crown?
00:17:35Half a crown, that's right.
00:17:37So they just find it?
00:17:40They just find it, yes.
00:17:41What if they don't find it?
00:17:42They will find it.
00:17:43What if they don't, though?
00:17:44They'll find it, Ethel.
00:17:48How do they find it?
00:17:49I don't know how they find it, but they do, and if they don't, it can't be helped, can it?
00:17:53Oh, what a rich for work, thank you.
00:17:56Pleasure, ma'am.
00:17:57And who might you be, my man?
00:18:00I'm Horace, sir.
00:18:01Very good, Horace.
00:18:02Good journey, sir.
00:18:03Very comfortable, thank you, yes.
00:18:04We, uh, we travelled up, um, second-class.
00:18:06Perfectly adequate, in my view.
00:18:07Very wise, sir.
00:18:08Excuse me.
00:18:09Yes, madam?
00:18:10How does Lord Clarke travel?
00:18:11Yes, madam.
00:18:12How does Lord Clarke travel?
00:18:13Yes, madam.
00:18:14Yes, madam.
00:18:15Yes, madam.
00:18:16Yes, madam.
00:18:17Yes, madam.
00:18:18Yes, madam.
00:18:19Yes, madam.
00:18:20Yes, madam.
00:18:21How does Lord Clarke travel?
00:18:23Lord Clarke, madam?
00:18:24When he travels?
00:18:26First, madam.
00:18:28And so, the young visitors, gloriously attired in their travelling garb, swept across Lord Clarke's mighty domain.
00:18:41And soon, the mysterious towers of Wickomey Hall heaved into view.
00:18:46We will come.
00:18:47We will come.
00:18:48We will come.
00:18:51Whatever it is.
00:18:53We will come.
00:18:54We can find Orchap.
00:18:56We will come.
00:18:57What?
00:18:58We will come.
00:18:59Let's go.
00:19:29Welcome to Rickermere Hall, sir, madam.
00:19:36Um, minutes, sir.
00:19:38Minute.
00:19:41Might I take your hat, sir?
00:19:43I think Lord Clark would prefer me to wear it.
00:19:46Very good, sir.
00:19:48And the cigar, sir.
00:19:59Mr. Alfred Saltina, sir, and a lady.
00:20:31Ah.
00:20:35Well, well.
00:20:36Uh, Alfred.
00:20:41Alf, please.
00:20:45Alf.
00:20:47How are you?
00:20:48Very well, thank you.
00:20:49So, and may I introduce Miss Montague?
00:20:53This is Miss Montague.
00:20:55This is, um, Lord Clark.
00:20:59Bernard.
00:21:02I'm delighted to meet you, Miss Montague.
00:21:05Ethel.
00:21:07Ethel.
00:21:08Take Mr. Saltina's hat, minute.
00:21:16Very good, sir.
00:21:21Thank you, minute.
00:21:26I'm afraid I've not arranged any parties or such like this.
00:21:31I do not know anybody.
00:21:33Do not worry, as I do not mix much in society myself.
00:21:38Might I order you some afternoon tea?
00:21:40Oh, yes, indeed, Bernard.
00:21:42That would be tip-top, wouldn't it, Ethel?
00:21:44Only if it is no bother.
00:21:46No bother, I assure you.
00:21:48Tea, please, minute.
00:21:49Certainly, my lord.
00:21:51Splendid.
00:21:52What will we be having, if you don't mind my asking, Bernard?
00:21:56I'm afraid I have no idea.
00:21:58Uh, minute.
00:22:00Sir.
00:22:01What will we be having?
00:22:03A minute.
00:22:07Having, sir?
00:22:09For tea.
00:22:11Two kinds of bread and butter, sir.
00:22:13Sandwiches of different flavours, various kinds of cake,
00:22:16and a jam.
00:22:18Roly-poly, sir.
00:22:19Oh, splendid, splendid.
00:22:24Well,
00:22:25while we await tea,
00:22:29perhaps you would allow me to show you to your compartments.
00:22:31If it is not too much trouble, um...
00:22:36Bernard.
00:22:38Bernard.
00:22:38Bernard.
00:22:38This will be your room, Alfred.
00:22:58A small but dainty compartment,
00:23:00in pale yellow.
00:23:01Steps for climbing up to the bath, by joke.
00:23:04That's a good dodge, Bernard.
00:23:05See the steps, at all?
00:23:09And this...
00:23:09And the monogrammed toilet seat!
00:23:12Hmm.
00:23:14Indeed.
00:23:15And this...
00:23:16Is yours, Miss Malty.
00:23:21Therefore.
00:23:24Look, Alf.
00:23:26A tip of basin.
00:23:29Splendid.
00:23:30And a house thing for washing your head.
00:23:36Look at that, Alf.
00:23:38Fascinating.
00:23:40So, um...
00:23:41Where might your compartment be, then, um...
00:23:45Bernard?
00:23:46My compartment is down many distant corridors.
00:23:51It's decorated in dark red, as I have somber tastes.
00:23:54Oh, yes.
00:24:24Oh, my God.
00:24:54Well, into the fray.
00:25:24Thank you, Minnit.
00:25:31Brunman's a soup, sir.
00:25:33Much obliged, my good man.
00:25:34Well, you have a very sumptuous house, Bernard.
00:25:44The ancestral hall?
00:25:46Yes.
00:25:47It's fairly decent, I suppose.
00:25:50After our repast, I could show you around, if you wish.
00:25:54How lovely, Bernard.
00:26:06Thank you, my man.
00:26:09Are you all right, Alf?
00:26:34I'm quite all right, thank you, Ethel.
00:26:39He's getting flustered with his forks.
00:26:42Everything's under control, thank you.
00:26:46We use our fingers.
00:26:49Yes, I know, thank you.
00:27:21I've often considered having balls here.
00:27:24Balls?
00:27:27Then I might get to know a few people.
00:27:30You might.
00:27:40A minute?
00:27:41Yes, sir.
00:27:42A little top-up, if you would, please, my man.
00:27:45Certainly, sir.
00:27:47Certainly, sir.
00:27:47Let's go.
00:28:17Cheerio.
00:28:24My grandmother, Mary Ann Fudge.
00:28:27She was very well known in her day.
00:28:30Don't quite know why, but she was.
00:28:32How fascinating.
00:28:34Isn't it a fascinating ancestral hall elf?
00:28:39Yes, fascinating.
00:28:40And that's my great-uncle Ambrose Fudge.
00:28:44He was the sinister son of Queen Victoria.
00:28:48Sinister?
00:28:48Yes.
00:28:49I'd rather not talk about it.
00:28:52And the lady with the grapes?
00:28:54Her name was Minnie Pilato.
00:28:57She was engaged to the Earl of Tullyvarden.
00:28:59Only didn't quite come off.
00:29:01So she married a captain in the Navy and had seven children.
00:29:04So many ancestors, Bernard.
00:29:07And many more of the same ilk, scattered throughout my domain.
00:29:10How glorious to have so many ancestors all of the same ilk.
00:29:17Don't you think, Alf?
00:29:20Yes.
00:29:21Oh, cool, oh, cool.
00:29:33Oh, cool.
00:29:33Oh, fair maiden, oh, fair maiden, this shepherd land doth cry.
00:29:56Oh, turn, oh, turn, oh, turn, fair maiden, before you have to fly.
00:30:05Give me one glance to show me, to show me you but know me.
00:30:12Give me one hope to hold you, even though I be unworthy.
00:30:20Even though I be unworthy, even though I be unworthy,
00:30:28Even though I be unworthy, that I unworthy be.
00:30:35Even though I be unworthy, even though I be unworthy,
00:30:48Even though I be unworthy, that I unworthy be.
00:30:50Even though I be a morning, even though I be a morning, even though I be a morning.
00:31:11Good morning, sir. Good morning beverage, sir.
00:31:15Thank you. Might I turn on your morning bath, if such is your desire, sir?
00:31:21Yes, please, if you would please, minute, if you wouldn't mind.
00:31:24Very good, sir.
00:31:28Ethel? I'm having my morning tea in bed, Ethel.
00:31:34Ethel?
00:31:38Ethel?
00:31:40Would you by any chance know where miss...
00:31:45Breakfasting in the breakfast room, sir.
00:31:47Breakfasting?
00:31:48With Lord Clarke, sir.
00:31:50Um, on second thoughts, I will not have my bath.
00:31:53I will go straight to the breakfast room where I will breakfast also, thank you.
00:31:57Ahem.
00:32:00A dressing gown, sir.
00:32:03Ah, yes, of course, um...
00:32:07This one, perhaps, or...?
00:32:09I'll have the mauve and the tassels, please.
00:32:11I think you might find the mauve and the tassels.
00:32:13The mauve and the tassels, if you would please, my good man.
00:32:19Certainly, sir.
00:32:20The mauve and the tassels...
00:32:48Morning, Alphur boy.
00:33:08Morning, Bernard.
00:33:09Morning, Ethel.
00:33:11Morning.
00:33:12Bernard?
00:33:14Yes?
00:33:15I was wondering, could I talk with you, alone?
00:33:18Yes, please.
00:33:24As must be highly evident, I'm most fond of Miss Montague
00:33:27and have brought her here in the I-Oaks
00:33:30or proposing to her on the premises.
00:33:34But I fear...
00:33:36I fear I'm not all she would wish.
00:33:41I fear she would like me more
00:33:44if I was more...
00:33:50More what, huh, man?
00:33:52I mean, I'm quite all right, as they say,
00:33:55but I'm not the real thing, Bernard.
00:33:57I'd give anything to be the real thing, you see?
00:33:59Like you, Bernard.
00:34:00To merge and mingle with people of rank.
00:34:04To levitate to the proper level.
00:34:06Well...
00:34:07Well, I suppose there's always the Crystal Palace.
00:34:13The Crystal Palace?
00:34:15Yes.
00:34:16I believe that several earls, baronets,
00:34:19even a duchess or two have private compartments there.
00:34:23They take on certain students who wish to advance themselves.
00:34:27Advance themselves?
00:34:28For a small fee.
00:34:29But that sounds absolutely ideal, duchess.
00:34:34Bernard.
00:34:35Bernard.
00:34:37I'll tell you what I'll do, Alphoboy.
00:34:39I'll give you a letter to my old pal,
00:34:41the Earl of Clincham, who lives there.
00:34:42Who knows, he might rub you up.
00:34:44Rub me up?
00:34:45Help you to become more seemly.
00:34:48But that's what I want, Bernard.
00:34:49I want to become more seemly.
00:34:53It's worth a shot.
00:34:55Oh, thank you, Bernard.
00:34:59But what about, um...
00:35:03What?
00:35:05At all.
00:35:09Listen to me, Alph.
00:35:11Forgive me if I'm utterly blunt,
00:35:13but I think it's essential that you visit Clincham immediately.
00:35:16Before you, you know, propose.
00:35:20Immediately, yes, indeed, Bernard.
00:35:22But where could she...
00:35:25I mean...
00:35:27Well, she could...
00:35:28stay on here.
00:35:30Here?
00:35:31Yes.
00:35:32I mean, she's a...
00:35:33She's a pretty cheerful,
00:35:35pretty active...
00:35:37pretty sort of a girl.
00:35:40Sure she wouldn't be in the way, Bernard?
00:35:42Oh, I'm sure she can amuse myself.
00:35:44Amuse...
00:35:45herself.
00:35:47While you're...
00:35:48training.
00:35:50Precisely.
00:35:50This could be the thin end of the partition, Bernard.
00:35:58With any luck, Alph.
00:36:01Forgive me for abandoning you quite so hastily after our arrival, my dear,
00:36:06but I find I have pressing business in town.
00:36:08I am unable to divulge at this juncture for urgent reasons which I shall hope shall become clear
00:36:14in the very near distant future.
00:36:17Meanwhile, Lord Clark has kindly agreed to entertaining you in his capable hands during my departure.
00:36:24Thank you, Lord Clark.
00:36:27I shall bear you always in my bosom.
00:36:30No, that's...
00:36:31Oh, sorry.
00:36:32Yeah.
00:36:33I shall return, Ethel.
00:36:35Right-o.
00:36:37Goodbye, Bernard.
00:36:38You have the letter to Clincham.
00:36:43The Earl of Clincham, Bernard.
00:36:45Not a word to Ethel.
00:36:46Not a word.
00:36:48Well, goodbye, Alph, old man.
00:36:51Good luck.
00:36:52And...
00:36:54Godspeed.
00:36:56A few sandwiches for the journey, sir.
00:36:59Oh, thank you.
00:37:00Most kind.
00:37:01Not kind, sir.
00:37:02Quite usual.
00:37:08Mr. Saltina left immediately, happy as a lark that Ethel's fair hand would soon be his.
00:37:18And he was very glad he did not have an egg for his breakfast, in case he should be sick upon the journey.
00:37:23Oh, thank you.
00:38:17Yes, sir.
00:38:19You?
00:38:23yes excuse me yes I'm seeking the Earl of Clinchon I have a letter from an
00:38:51hurry up hurry excuse me yes are you by any chance him who the Earl of Clinchon not
00:39:19exactly no I'm Edward Procurio groom of the chambers I'm half Italian how do you do how
00:39:28do you do would you know where I might find his lordship per chance end of the corridor
00:39:34fourth door down thank you of course they may be out then one never knows what they're
00:39:44up to does one I know a lot more than most people about the inmates here about their various
00:39:52habits
00:39:54my dear Clinchon the gentleman before you
00:40:18is named Alfred Saltina also known as Alf he is an old friend of mine though not quite the right
00:40:28side of the blank he is in fact the son of a butcher though his mother comes from a decent enough
00:40:34family called here hyssops hyssops so you see he's not so bad and is most in earnest of becoming the
00:40:43correct article as they say hope you're keeping well yours has ever burned Clark correct article eh
00:40:51rub shoulders with a noble would you it would indeed be a great mingle with the blood royal
00:41:01my lord I did not dare presume a small portion flows in my veins but in the next world what'll
00:41:07be the odds now what I say is these things are as piffle before the wind wouldn't you agree I was
00:41:14thinking more of this world your honor whiskey thank you
00:41:37so what profession had you in mind profession your lordships you'll need a proper profession in keeping
00:42:01with your station any ideas well something at Buckingham Palace possibly Buckingham Palace eh well um I suppose I suppose you could try
00:42:16I am galloping alongside the royal barouche the royal barouche would you like that oh yes indeed my noble lord I'm very fond of fresh air and royalties
00:42:28I could have a word with the Prince of Wales I suppose Prince of Wales now look here I must warn you that this is an exclusive training and done come cheap
00:42:38I do have some savings upon upon upon your person upon my person
00:42:46thank you splendid now while you are here you will live in compartments in the basement known as the lower range
00:43:04you will receive a rigorous training in such things as correct use of cutlery
00:43:08pilots to royalty and etiquette to menials and so forth you will mix with me for grammar and I might take you hunting and shooting
00:43:14sometimes to give you a few tips also also I have a I have a number of ladies parties you will attend occasionally ladies parties
00:43:24but I must make one thing quite clear you may not marry whilst under instruction no I shall not need to thank you
00:43:31I can marry but you can't
00:43:33there is a young lady to whom I have set my cap at my lord excellent and whom I hope to win as my cherished wife
00:43:43marvelous as a direct result of my actions here to fall right that's enough enter
00:43:48oh this is um oh um
00:43:54Bessie top sir Bessie top yes this is this is Bessie top
00:44:02would you would you take Mr. Saltina's bag to the lower range would you Bessie
00:44:08rather red in the face but quite pretty don't you think
00:44:18now you will proceed to the lower regions where you will reside for the duration of your training
00:44:24I myself must call on a brace of dukes and a dowager until we meet again au revoir
00:44:31as Mr. Saltina ascended towards his heart
00:45:01his desire Bernard thought he would show Ethel his gloomy pile and they spent a merry morning
00:45:08so doing and Ethel began to be a bit excited
00:45:12yeah
00:45:14he he he he he he
00:45:16and she passed bright remarks on all the rooms you could have your balls in here Bernard
00:45:28my balls
00:45:30costume balls
00:45:33fancy dress balls
00:45:38all kinds of different balls
00:45:45I could
00:45:46I could yes
00:45:50Ethel
00:45:55Yes.
00:45:57I was thinking.
00:45:59Yes.
00:46:01What about?
00:46:03What?
00:46:05Going up to London for a week's gaiety.
00:46:09A week's gaiety?
00:46:11Yes.
00:46:13Who?
00:46:16You and me.
00:46:20I know of several splendid hotels.
00:46:23We could go to theatres, parties,
00:46:27and enjoy ourselves to the full.
00:46:30So we could.
00:46:32What an idea.
00:46:53I can't eat whatever it is.
00:46:55We could go.
00:46:57I can't eat what it is.
00:46:59I can't eat what it is.
00:47:02I'm sorry.
00:47:04Thank you for doing so long.
00:47:06Oh my lord.
00:47:08You're okay.
00:47:10I'm totally fine.
00:47:12You're ready to get off my job.
00:47:13I'm just kidding.
00:47:14I don't know.
00:47:44London, London, London town.
00:47:53This is London, this is London town.
00:47:59City of charity.
00:48:04City of leaders, city of parties.
00:48:09For you and me, for you and me.
00:48:24What a grand hotel.
00:48:26Yes, sir.
00:48:40Yes.
00:48:41Have you a couple of rooms for self and young lady?
00:48:47Oh, I most certainly do, sir.
00:48:50Yes.
00:48:51I have a couple of beauties on the first floor.
00:48:54Number nine.
00:48:56And number ten.
00:49:00Sounds right.
00:49:01What?
00:49:02Quite.
00:49:23Room number nine, sir.
00:49:24What a lovely, large, downy bed.
00:49:33Yes.
00:49:34Isn't it absolutely huge, Bernard?
00:49:39Very.
00:49:53Number ten, sir.
00:49:55Very convenient, sir.
00:49:58Convenient.
00:50:00For number nine, sir.
00:50:05Yes.
00:50:06Which would you care for, Bernard?
00:50:11Choice is yours, Ethel.
00:50:12I am willing to abide by your choice.
00:50:15I shall take number ten.
00:50:22I shall be quite lost in this huge bed, Bernard.
00:50:30Yes.
00:50:32Whatever will I do?
00:50:37Oh, I wish we were married.
00:50:40Sorry?
00:50:41Nothing.
00:50:42What did you say?
00:50:45I...
00:50:46I...
00:50:47I was...
00:50:48I was recalling one of the poets.
00:50:50Great events from trivial causes springs.
00:50:54How lovely.
00:51:00Stupid.
00:51:01Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
00:51:15Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid
00:51:45I'll take you and pull it up.
00:51:50How do I look?
00:51:53Oh, Ethel.
00:51:59And raise the hand, and doff the hat and smile,
00:52:04and place and down.
00:52:08And raise the hand,
00:52:10and doff the hat, and smile, and place, and down.
00:52:15And raise the hat, and doff the hat, and smile, and place it down.
00:52:26Would you like to hang yourself with it, Mr. Saltina?
00:52:29And raise the hat, and doff the hat, and smile, and place it down.
00:52:32Duh.
00:52:33Tiny spoon, on the right, for the hors d'oeuvre.
00:52:49Tiny spoon, on the right, for the hors d'oeuvre.
00:52:59Medium spoon, on the left, is the marrow spoon.
00:53:03Medium spoon, on the left, is the marrow spoon.
00:53:07Marrow spoon, left spoon.
00:53:08Marrow spoon.
00:53:09Where is it?
00:53:10The left, right.
00:53:11Is it on the right, or is it on the left?
00:53:12It's on the right, left.
00:53:13What sort of size is it?
00:53:14Medium spoon.
00:53:21Tiny spoon, on the right, is what?
00:53:25Marrow spoon.
00:53:27Hors d'oeuvre.
00:53:28Hors d'oeuvre.
00:53:29Medium spoon, on the left.
00:53:33Marrow spoon, Mr. Saltina.
00:53:37Well done.
00:53:38Good boy.
00:53:39Good boy.
00:53:41Good boy.
00:53:55No, Mr. Saltina, not my man to the butler.
00:53:57Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
00:53:58My man to the under butler.
00:54:01Come here, my man!
00:54:03Come here, my man.
00:54:04erupting!
00:54:05Come here, my man.
00:54:11Come here, my man!
00:54:13Command the mead.
00:54:14Command the mead.
00:54:18Come here!
00:54:21Raise the hand and drop the hand.
00:54:23Smile and place the hand down!
00:54:25Come here, my man.
00:54:28Come here, my man.
00:54:30Come along, come along.
00:54:49His lordship is to go to a levee this morning,
00:54:51wishes you to accompany him.
00:54:52A what?
00:54:53A levee.
00:54:54They should really be plush knickerbockers.
00:54:57We'll have to make do.
00:54:58Put them on, put them on!
00:54:59What's a levee?
00:55:01A levee is a party given by the Prince of Wales
00:55:05for very superior people.
00:55:08The Prince of Wales?
00:55:08It'll be at Buckingham Palace.
00:55:10Buckingham!
00:55:10At 11 sharp.
00:55:12Tie.
00:55:14His lordship has generously loaned you
00:55:16a pair of his own white silk stockings,
00:55:19some shiny shoes,
00:55:21and a pair of his finest garters.
00:55:26Trousers!
00:55:29Scissors!
00:55:33Silver paper!
00:55:45Pin!
00:55:47Hat!
00:55:47Quickly!
00:56:00Is it a fancy dress party?
00:56:02No, no.
00:56:02It's what they always wear.
00:56:05Wait till you see his lordship.
00:56:07The honourable Earl of Clinchot!
00:56:16And Lord is up!
00:56:22I've never seen so many domestics.
00:56:26How will we recognise him, your lordship?
00:56:29He will be sitting on his throne
00:56:32wearing lovely ermine cloak
00:56:35and small but costly crown.
00:56:40Here.
00:56:45Jelly and ice cream, sir.
00:56:56Do you mind?
00:56:56No.
00:56:57It's a popcorn.
00:56:58Sorry.
00:56:59Excuse me.
00:57:00Excuse me.
00:57:01Excuse me.
00:57:02Excuse me.
00:57:03Excuse me.
00:57:04Good morning, Prime Minister.
00:57:05Good morning, Airborne.
00:57:06Hello, Clinchot.
00:57:11Hello, Your Highness.
00:57:13A bit of a squash, eh?
00:57:15Puh!
00:57:16Um, may, may I introduce my friend, Lord Hithoph?
00:57:20Hissops.
00:57:21How are you, Hissops?
00:57:23How are you, Hissops?
00:57:30And, um, how, how is the dear Queen?
00:57:33Not up to much, I'm afraid.
00:57:35Poor or so.
00:57:36Anyway.
00:57:38How about a glass in private?
00:57:41Oh.
00:57:53Hunger is weary of court life.
00:57:55Puh!
00:57:56Yes, indeed, Your Highness.
00:57:57Ah, yes.
00:58:00A strawberry vanilla or chocolate?
00:58:02Strawberry, Your Highness.
00:58:03Chocolate, please.
00:58:04As usual for me, Twining.
00:58:11Being royal has many drawbacks.
00:58:15Oh, God.
00:58:16True.
00:58:17True, indeed.
00:58:21What did you say, Hissops?
00:58:25Most.
00:58:27True, indeed.
00:58:29My loyal royal liege.
00:58:32Who did you say you were?
00:58:35Lord Hissops, Your Highness.
00:58:37Hissops.
00:58:38Hissops.
00:58:39Hissops?
00:58:44Why are you turning purple, Hissops?
00:58:49Your Highness.
00:58:52I must confess.
00:58:56I'm not Lord Hissops.
00:58:58I'm Alfred Saltina, Your Highness.
00:59:01Sultina.
00:59:02Then why did you palm yourself off on my menials as Lord Hissops?
00:59:09Oh, his mother?
00:59:11What was her, Hissops, Your Highness?
00:59:14And his father?
00:59:16Was but an humble butcher, Your Highness.
00:59:19Butcher?
00:59:20And what do you pray?
00:59:22Ironmonger, Your Highness.
00:59:24An ironmonger?
00:59:26Glincham?
00:59:28Your Highness.
00:59:29Kindly explain.
00:59:31Certainly, Your Highness.
00:59:40The gentleman before you is most desirous of gaining a place on the right side of the blanket, so to speak.
00:59:49I see.
00:59:51So, I've been rubbing him up in society ways.
00:59:55That's very good a deal.
00:59:58Favour for a friend.
01:00:00How's he doing?
01:00:02Thing is, we was wondering if you knew of any jobs going at the palace, Your Highness.
01:00:10Job at the palace, eh?
01:00:13Anything take your fancy, Saltina?
01:00:15Well, I did suggest, if there was a vacancy going, he might try...
01:00:24Cantering after the Royal Borussia.
01:00:28Cantering after the Royal Borussia.
01:00:32You can handle a mount.
01:00:34Rides like the wind, don't you?
01:00:40Splendid.
01:00:41I'll speak to the Prime Minister about it.
01:00:47A thousand, Tom.
01:00:49Thanks, Your Highness.
01:00:50Yes, indeed, yes.
01:00:52Ten thousand thousand thank yous, my regal, legal beagle.
01:00:57I hope we've not offended your royal dignity, Your Highness.
01:01:00No, no, not at all.
01:01:02A laudable notion.
01:01:04Good, sir.
01:01:11Tell you what, Saltina.
01:01:14Why don't you stay, Lord Hissops, eh?
01:01:17Sorry?
01:01:18Would you like that?
01:01:20Spend it.
01:01:22So, Lord Hissops it is, then.
01:01:24Totally good.
01:01:26Well, must get along.
01:01:27I booked a waltz with the Archduchess of Greenwich.
01:01:31Off I pop.
01:01:32Lord Hissops.
01:01:42Elevated to the peerage in a week.
01:01:47I've never heard of such a thing.
01:01:49This is a triumph, Saltina.
01:01:51Do you hear me?
01:01:53Triumph.
01:01:55So, look here.
01:01:57You know what we're going to do?
01:01:58We're going to have a party.
01:02:01A jolly big party to celebrate.
01:02:04What do you think of that, eh?
01:02:05A party?
01:02:06Ask everybody.
01:02:08Yes.
01:02:09Ask Bernard.
01:02:10Bernard, yes.
01:02:11Jolly good.
01:02:12Ask Ethel.
01:02:13Ethel, splendid.
01:02:14Who's Ethel?
01:02:15My intended.
01:02:16Ethel, that sounds like a bit of a filly.
01:02:18Let's ask Ethel.
01:02:20I could propose to her at the party.
01:02:22You jolly well could.
01:02:24Splendid idea.
01:02:25Propose to her at the party.
01:02:28Let's go.
01:02:31I don't think we've met.
01:02:33I beg your pardon?
01:02:34I am Lady Gay Finchling.
01:02:37My husband was some general or other, but he's been dead for a few years.
01:02:41Care to mingle in a set of lives?
01:02:42Not to me.
01:02:43I don't think we've met.
01:02:44I beg your pardon?
01:02:45I am Lady Gay Finchling.
01:02:46I don't think we've met.
01:02:48I beg your pardon?
01:02:50I am Lady Gay Finchling.
01:02:52My husband was some general or other,
01:02:54but he's been dead for a few years.
01:02:56Care to mingle in a set of lances?
01:02:58Unfortunately, I'm not as nimble as I was,
01:03:01and my garters are a trifle.
01:03:16I don't know.
01:03:36Dancing in gayety is all very well,
01:03:39but I will never be happy till I have made her mine.
01:03:42Every night we are alone,
01:03:44and see every man's gaze falling upon her.
01:03:49I must propose to her today before I lose her to another.
01:03:53Wake up, Bernard.
01:03:55Wake up!
01:03:57We have an invitation.
01:04:00The Honorary Earl of Clincham
01:04:03cordially invites Lord Bernard Clarke and Miss Ethel Montague,
01:04:07that's me,
01:04:09to a private function in his compartments
01:04:12at the Crystal Palace, 21st July, 1898, eight sharp!
01:04:20That's tonight, Bernard!
01:04:22Tonight?
01:04:23We got it just in time.
01:04:25The Earl of Clincham, Bernard!
01:04:28Um...
01:04:29And there'll be loads of other Dukes and Earls there,
01:04:31won't there, Bernard?
01:04:32Loads of people!
01:04:33There will be, yes, yes.
01:04:36The thing is,
01:04:38we don't know who's going to be there.
01:04:40I shall return, Ethel.
01:04:44I mean, there could be anyone there.
01:04:47Perhaps...
01:04:48perhaps another time.
01:04:50A private function, Bernard.
01:04:53I've never been to a private function.
01:04:57Actually, I was thinking we might spend the day in the country.
01:05:00The country?
01:05:03Yes.
01:05:04Yes, I...
01:05:05I could row you on the river at Windsor,
01:05:07and you could wear that lovely white frock that I bought for you.
01:05:11And we could...
01:05:12We could lunch on a mossy bank,
01:05:14and surround ourselves with a twittering of the birds,
01:05:18and the smell of the cows.
01:05:19That would be lovely, Bernard.
01:05:22I would love to row on the river
01:05:25in the new white frock you bought for me,
01:05:27but...
01:05:29couldn't we do the Earl of Clincham's function
01:05:32after the river and the smelly cows and...
01:05:37There's plenty of other Earls.
01:05:38But I want to meet this Earl, Bernard.
01:05:42I want to meet the Earl of Clincham.
01:05:46I want to go to his function.
01:05:51We won't have any time.
01:05:53There's no time.
01:05:54We're going to have to get back from Windsor.
01:05:56We'll have to change.
01:05:57We'll have...
01:05:58I don't want to go to Windsor now.
01:05:59What?
01:06:00I don't want to go to Windsor now.
01:06:04I don't want to go anywhere now.
01:06:06What's the matter, Ethel?
01:06:12I'm very unhappy suddenly.
01:06:18Please don't be unhappy, Ethel.
01:06:20You will, I am.
01:06:23I never wish for you to be unhappy, Ethel.
01:06:26Don't you?
01:06:27Never.
01:06:29Ever.
01:06:31Ever.
01:06:32Then why can't we do the cows, them the function?
01:06:38We can.
01:06:40Pardon?
01:06:41We can.
01:06:42We can?
01:06:43Of course.
01:06:44Yes!
01:06:46Don't worry.
01:06:47I shall soon be ready.
01:06:48I had my bath last night,
01:06:49so I don't need to wash much now.
01:07:04How lovely you look, Ethel.
01:07:06Why, thank you, kind sir.
01:07:09Do you like my dainty Red Rouge?
01:07:13Very much, yes.
01:07:14Would you get to have some lunch now, Ethel?
01:07:20Oh, no.
01:07:21Not yet, Bernard.
01:07:22I so enjoy you rowing me about.
01:07:28Good.
01:07:31Do you mind waiting for your lunch, Bernard?
01:07:33No, no.
01:07:34Of course not.
01:07:40Sing to me, Bernard.
01:07:45I only know one song.
01:07:47Then sing it to me.
01:07:53Even though I be unworthy, even though I...
01:07:58Goodness, I'm starving, Bernard.
01:07:59Let's have our picnic now.
01:08:01Let's have it over...
01:08:06There.
01:08:14There.
01:08:30Would you care for any further refreshment, Ethel?
01:08:34Oh, no, pray thank you.
01:08:36I'm absolutely stuffed.
01:08:39In that case, let us bask beneath the spreading trees.
01:08:43All right.
01:08:46I think I may just close my eyes a while.
01:09:09Oh, Ethel.
01:09:11What?
01:09:12Nothing.
01:09:13Who was that?
01:09:14It was me.
01:09:15What were you doing?
01:09:16I just expostulated.
01:09:17I beg your pardon?
01:09:18Ethel.
01:09:19What?
01:09:20My passion for you is intense.
01:09:23It has grown night and day since first I beheld you.
01:09:26Oh, Bernard.
01:09:28This is so sudden.
01:09:29No, no.
01:09:30I must grasp the bull by the horns.
01:09:33When?
01:09:34Now.
01:09:43Oh, Ethel.
01:09:45Say you will marry me.
01:09:46You must marry me, Ethel.
01:09:47Marry you?
01:09:49If you say no, I shall perforce dash my body to the brink of yon muddy river.
01:09:53Don't do that, Bernard.
01:09:54I implore you.
01:09:56Then say you love me also, Ethel.
01:09:57I do love you also, Bernard.
01:10:01I love you madly.
01:10:04I love you with passion.
01:10:07You are to me like a heathen god with your manly form and handsome flashing face.
01:10:16Am I?
01:10:17Oh, yes, Bernard.
01:10:19Then marry me, Ethel.
01:10:20I will indeed marry you, Bernard.
01:10:22You will?
01:10:23I will.
01:10:24Oh, my bride to be.
01:10:28My bride to be.
01:10:29Oh, Bernard, Bernard.
01:10:30Never did I think to hear those mystic words.
01:10:34Oh.
01:10:36Ethel?
01:10:39Ethel.
01:10:40Ethel.
01:10:42Wait.
01:10:43I will fetch a cup of yon fragrant river to pour on my true love's pallid brow.
01:10:54You fainted, my darling.
01:11:08Take me back to the gaiety hotel.
01:11:12With pleasure, my darling.
01:11:14I will first pack up the viands ere I unloose the boat.
01:11:18And then, Bernard.
01:11:19Yes, my darling.
01:11:21To the Earl of Clinchcomb's function.
01:11:26Well, I...
01:11:28I thought, given the circumstances, we might celebrate alone.
01:11:31Bernard.
01:11:33To the Earl of Clinchcomb's function.
01:11:34Where we shall announce our engagement.
01:11:36Yes.
01:11:38In front of all the dukes and ladies.
01:11:41Yes.
01:11:43Yes.
01:11:44No stud, please, Bessie.
01:11:58I'm not a stud, sir.
01:11:59No stud, yes, please.
01:12:01Sir, I'm not a stud.
01:12:11Sorry, thank you.
01:12:14Yes.
01:12:19Coucoborra sits on an old gum tree.
01:12:21Mary, little king of the dukes is thee.
01:12:24No, coucoborra.
01:12:25And you don't move, so you move.
01:12:26And it, it, it's... buff.
01:12:28And it's over.
01:12:29And then, you have a party.
01:12:32Your young visitors have arrived, my lord.
01:12:38Bernard.
01:12:39How splendid.
01:12:40Linda, and who might this be praying?
01:12:45May I introduce Miss Montecue?
01:12:47Oh, charmed, absolutely charmed, if I may say so.
01:12:51Please, call me Ethel.
01:13:10Good luck, Alf.
01:13:20Bernard, I'm parched.
01:13:23Might I have a teensy drink?
01:13:25Certainly.
01:13:26That's the spirit.
01:13:28What?
01:13:28Fetch yourselves a temple, Bernard, and I'll look after a little Ethel here.
01:13:32Off you pop up, char.
01:13:35Lord, kiss up.
01:13:36May you introduce me to everyone, please?
01:13:40Well, there is a certain gentleman.
01:13:46Um, aha.
01:13:48Well, the very man.
01:13:51Excellent, Miss Montecue.
01:13:54Might I introduce you to a gentleman you may recall.
01:13:59Lord Hissops.
01:14:01Hello, Ethel.
01:14:03Lord Hissops.
01:14:05A title recently bestowed upon him by His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, no less.
01:14:09I said I would return, Ethel.
01:14:11How come all this come about, then, Alf?
01:14:13No, no, no, no.
01:14:14This is Lord...
01:14:15I happen to know this is Alfred Saltina from East Dutch.
01:14:18Yeah, well, don't let the cat out of the back.
01:14:20You seem somewhat flabbergasted, my dear.
01:14:23Yes, Alfred.
01:14:25I happen to meet His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales whilst stopping for a spell with His
01:14:31Lordship here at Crystal Palace.
01:14:34I have a set of compartments in the basement.
01:14:36Oh.
01:14:37So that's what you've been up to?
01:14:40With good reason, Ethel.
01:14:42Well, I've been stopping at the Gaiety Hotel in Knightsbridge, if you want to know.
01:14:49Gaiety Hotel in Knightsbridge?
01:14:51Yes, so there.
01:14:52So you just gallivanted off from Rickomere Hall, which I kindly invited you to.
01:14:56Yes.
01:14:56And left Paul Bernadal alone in his gloomy pile, no doubt.
01:15:00Oh.
01:15:02Well, glad you've been enjoying yourself.
01:15:04You've been looking somewhat pale of late.
01:15:07No wonder living in your stuffy domain.
01:15:13But tell me, Earl, have you any other friends I might meet for chance?
01:15:18Yes, of course, I'll just...
01:15:21Colonel, how...
01:15:23Don't know what I've done, Ethel.
01:15:25In what way, Alf?
01:15:26To rouse your ire in this manner.
01:15:27Well, I call it very mysterious, you going off and getting your own title all of a sudden.
01:15:31So I think our friendship had better cease.
01:15:33But, Ethel...
01:15:33As no doubt you'll soon be wanting to marry a duchess or something.
01:15:36I do not wish to marry a duchess, Ethel.
01:15:38Oh, really?
01:15:39It is you I wish to marry, Ethel, some fine day.
01:15:45Is this news to me, Alf?
01:15:47But not to me, Ethel.
01:15:50I may add that I've always loved you.
01:15:53And now I seem to do so madly.
01:15:57But I do not love you, Alf.
01:16:03Beg your pardon?
01:16:05I do not love you, Alf.
01:16:10But I thought that's why you come to stay.
01:16:13Oh, no!
01:16:17If you married me, you might...
01:16:19get to.
01:16:20What?
01:16:23Love me.
01:16:26Actually, no, Alf.
01:16:29Sorry.
01:16:33Still, thanks for asking.
01:16:34This is agony, Ethel.
01:16:37My life would be sour grapes and ashes without you.
01:16:41Alfred!
01:16:41One day you will rue your wicked words, Ethel!
01:16:44Be a man, please!
01:16:45Oh!
01:16:46Alfred!
01:16:46I'm not Alfred!
01:16:49I'm Lord Hyssops now, and I've only done it for you, Ethel.
01:16:53I shall always think of you in a warm manner, Alfred.
01:16:59Half a loaf is better than no bread, I suppose.
01:17:03Yes.
01:17:04Anyway, nice to see you, Alf.
01:17:07At least you're not engaged to another.
01:17:09That would be agony beyond imagining.
01:17:15Yes.
01:17:18Oh!
01:17:19Look who I've found.
01:17:21This must be Ethel.
01:17:23You're absolutely right.
01:17:25She's utterly charming.
01:17:27I am Lady Gay Finchling, my dear.
01:17:31My husband was in India or somewhere, but he's been dead a few years.
01:17:35Lord Hyssops, what are you doing down there?
01:17:38For a moment I thought you were proposing.
01:17:40But that would never do.
01:17:42Because, my dear, look who I've just been introduced to.
01:17:48Lord Clarke, your fiancée.
01:17:58Hello, Alf, old boy.
01:18:01Fiancée.
01:18:02That's right, yes.
01:18:03And what an enchanting creature she is, young man.
01:18:07Yes.
01:18:11Sorry, I never wrote.
01:18:13No.
01:18:14A bit complicated.
01:18:16Yes.
01:18:16Still, jolly good do, Clincham.
01:18:21Noritura, what?
01:18:23Most rich-chauffe, I'd call it.
01:18:26And you, Ethel.
01:18:28Most.
01:18:31Anyway, care to polka, Ethel?
01:18:34Right-o.
01:18:35Jolly good.
01:18:38Shall we?
01:18:38Why not?
01:18:39Lord Hyssops?
01:18:44I don't think so, thank you.
01:18:46I did go, thank you.
01:18:49Why, thank you.
01:20:52Take Lord Bernard Clarke as your just and lawful wedded husband?
01:21:01I do.
01:21:02And do you, Lord Bernard Clarke, take Ethel Mabel Montacue as your just awful wedded wife?
01:21:14I do.
01:21:16Then those whom God hath joined together, let no man put us on them.
01:21:27And so, after their joyous marriage,
01:21:57they mated very well and returned with a sun and hair, a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard,
01:22:03and six more children, four boys and three girls, some of which were twins.
01:22:10And Bernard loved Ethel to the bitter end, even though she grew rather a bulgy figure.
01:22:16And they were happy for nearly all of their days and had a big house and many parties and balls.
01:22:36And Mr. Saltina?
01:22:42Well, Mr. Saltina, at long last, and by the aid of the Earl and the kindness of the Prince of Wales...
01:23:00Arise, Lord Hyssops, I hereby pronounce you attendant on the Royal Vehicle...
01:23:12...was given the job his soul craved.
01:23:15And so Alfred proudly served Her Highness on his sultry steed, come all weathers, rain or shine.
01:23:37And then, one day...
01:23:39Jolly good, Alf.
01:23:41And, um...
01:23:43Hope you're happy here.
01:23:45Um, and, um...
01:23:47Must weigh...
01:23:49What? Um...
01:23:51Goodbye, old chap.
01:23:55Goodbye, my dear Alf.
01:23:57The Earl of Clincham suddenly got married to Lady O' Finchling...
01:24:01...and they went to live in her large seat in Northumberland.
01:24:05Bye.
01:24:11And the Earl let Alfred have all of his compartments for old time's sake...
01:24:17...and one or two small pieces of furniture that he wouldn't need.
01:24:25The days and the months marched by...
01:24:27...and despite his exotic lifestyle and royal circles...
01:24:31...Mr. Saltina grew more and more lonely.
01:24:35Then, at last, Alfred decided he could not bear the single life anymore.
01:24:43hI
01:24:47..
01:24:51...
01:24:52...
01:24:53...
01:24:55...
01:24:57...
01:24:59Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
01:25:29Um, my legs have become somewhat unable to ride the horses, so I have received a royal dispensation from Her Majesty to return to my familiar home in East Dulwich.
01:25:59Oh, very good, sir.
01:26:06So I was wondering, failing all else, and if it's not too much trouble, if you would consider doing me the honour of conjoining with me there too?
01:26:22Mm-hmm.
01:26:52Even though she never loved him, not even for a second.
01:26:55But then, if it hadn't been for Ethel coming to visit all those years ago, none of these high adventures which I have described would have ever happened.
01:27:04And he'd never have met Bessie Top, who really did love him, if only he knew.
01:27:40And the Lord shall flee away when he comes to reign.
01:27:54In the meekly winter, a stable place suffice.
01:28:10The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.
01:28:25The End
01:28:26By Daisy Ashford, age nine.
01:28:30The End
01:28:32By Daisy Ashford, age nine.
01:28:34The End
01:28:36By Daisy Ashford, age nine.
01:28:37The End
01:28:41By Daisy Ashford, age nine.
01:28:45The End
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