00:00Yes, it is my professional recommendation that you lie to your partner.
00:04Get better at deception.
00:13Hi, I'm Anna Kendrick and today I will be settling some petty disputes
00:16because I do know everything about everything.
00:19I think I'm uniquely qualified to be a judge because I'm very opinionated
00:23and I really can't help it if those opinions are constantly right.
00:27Alright, let's begin. Order in the court.
00:29I don't own this desk.
00:34My sister always tries to harmonize with songs on the radio when we're in the car together
00:38and she has an objectively terrible singing voice.
00:42She cannot match the pitch.
00:44I think this is rude to both me and the artist whose song she's butchering.
00:47It's driving me insane.
00:50We're starting off strong. This one hits home right to the trauma center.
00:55I am an impartial judge and I will hear both sides,
00:59but I confess my skin is crawling. Let's hear the other side.
01:04There's no way she's that annoyed by my singing.
01:07Maybe if she sang along with me, she'd loosen up and have more fun.
01:10Also, she's exaggerating and I think my voice sounds quite nice.
01:15Okay, we're going with the uptight argument.
01:18It's a strong one. It's a classic.
01:20It is difficult to say from these two recordings
01:25whether or not this person has an objectively terrible voice.
01:28You know what? Here's the dividing line.
01:30I don't mind someone who is a terrible singer singing with joy.
01:38The rub comes when they think they're a really good singer.
01:43So, I think we're lacking in evidentiary substance here.
01:52Uptight as an argument is strong, but overused.
01:57Hear, hear.
02:00Innocent on all charges.
02:02On to the next drama.
02:04My fiancé and I watch the same TV show together every week
02:07and I found out that while I was gone on a work trip,
02:09she caught up without me and watched the latest episode.
02:12She said she'd rewatch it with me, but it's not the same
02:15because I know she'll be looking at her phone and not as invested.
02:19She fucked up. How can I punish her?
02:22Oh my God!
02:25That went crazy.
02:26I knew where that was going the second he said that there's a show.
02:29I was like, ooh, she better not.
02:31But wow, there's some real aggression in there and I get that.
02:37I'm not going to lie, there's part of me that's like,
02:40I think this is punishable by death.
02:42Like, I hope you rot. This is terrible.
02:45This is a massive betrayal.
02:46I'd be hard pressed to side with the show watcher,
02:51but I'm willing to hear the other side.
02:53I don't see what the big deal is.
02:55I said I'd watch it again with him and I won't spoil anything.
02:58I feel like he needs to get some more hobbies
03:00if he's this upset by me watching a TV show.
03:04You two should break up.
03:06There's so much hatred.
03:08I mean, I kind of love it, but wow.
03:10I mean, maybe they have great makeup sex,
03:12but this is some strong language.
03:14I think we're cutting below the belt with the you need more hobbies.
03:18We're not, ma'am, don't deflect.
03:20We're not deflecting.
03:21We're staying on the subject.
03:23And I think that if you do this kind of thing,
03:25you have to take that to your grave.
03:27If you secretly watch a show without your partner or your bestie or whatever,
03:32you just have to lie.
03:34So you can't be on your phone and be very, very surprised when all the twists come.
03:38It is my professional recommendation that you lie to your partner.
03:42Get better at deception.
03:44Unacceptable.
03:46Let's move on to the next case.
03:48On a recent flight, my girlfriend randomly got bumped up to first class
03:52while I had to stay and coach.
03:54I wanted her to stay back and sit next to me
03:56because sometimes I get anxious when I fly.
04:00She decided to ascend to first class and abandoned me in 38D,
04:04which is next to the toilet.
04:07Oh, sir.
04:09I'm very sorry for this man's anxiety, but this is a little funny.
04:14I hope she sends you a note.
04:15Back to economy.
04:17How's the leg room?
04:19Hi, poor.
04:20I don't know if that's appropriate with this couple.
04:24Maybe she'll convince me she's a terrible person and I'll change my mind.
04:29Here's the thing.
04:30I've never flown first class before, and the flight was only two hours long.
04:33I thought he'd be okay on his own just this once.
04:36And guess what?
04:37He was.
04:39I feel like this was maybe even a lesson he needed to learn.
04:45Wow.
04:47I'm kind of amazed that I just guessed her personality
04:50before even hearing her side of the story.
04:52I don't think that first class on a two-hour flight is probably that life-changing,
04:59but she pulled the good straw.
05:02Sorry.
05:03And, yeah, you know, she'd never experienced first class before.
05:07Don't deny the lady her riches.
05:10He should probably take half his annex before flying.
05:13And, uh, get over it.
05:16Next case.
05:18So I helped organize a group vacation for a bunch of our friends,
05:22and when we checked into the rental house,
05:24one of my friends immediately claimed the best room for herself.
05:27She did not participate in the group chat or help with any of the logistics.
05:32What do you think I should do?
05:35As someone who has been known to not participate in the planning,
05:40in the group chat,
05:41I've never been great at that side of group activities.
05:46You'll take what's given to you, and you'll be happy about it.
05:49Right?
05:50That's the cross you have to bear if you're a non-group texting replier like I am.
05:56Let's hear the other side.
05:58You should see this group chat.
06:00It's out of control.
06:01Dozens of messages a day.
06:02I can't keep up with that.
06:03I obey the law of dibs, and I took the room that looked best to me.
06:07I promise to help out in any way if asked.
06:11Yeah, again, I relate.
06:14I relate.
06:15I have been known to mute, not block, not delete, but mute a group text.
06:19So, again, I relate to opting out, but that means you also opt out of dibs.
06:25I'm going to rule in favor of the plaintiff, if that's the right word.
06:35I will say that I am the person in the group chat where if you get arrested,
06:42I'm the person.
06:43I've already got my shoes on.
06:44I'm going down.
06:45We're getting you out of jail tonight.
06:46I'm going to bail you out, but if you need help picking the font of the e-card,
06:53I'm going to freeze up and just not really have an opinion.
06:58Extra guilty.
07:00Last one.
07:01Let's go.
07:02I work at an office with people I usually get along with.
07:05It recently came to my attention, however, that one of my coworkers tweets snarky things
07:09that I'm pretty sure are about me.
07:11Maybe I'm being paranoid or too sensitive.
07:13He should probably make his profile private.
07:16Ooh, that's juicy.
07:17That's really juicy.
07:19I mean, I want to see the tweets because, I don't know, maybe you're annoying.
07:23Let's hear messy Twitter guy's side.
07:26Those tweets are definitely about him, but I tweet about all sorts of things.
07:31I sort of use it as my diary.
07:33This guy's my friend, and it's very gentle teasing.
07:36I've been really growing a following on there, so I can't stop now.
07:40Also, it's not called Twitter.
07:43It's called X.
07:44You're my enemy, sir.
07:47Mostly that recording started strong.
07:49It started really strong because, you know, this guy's leaning into the mess of it all,
07:54and I appreciate that.
07:55Then it got weirder.
07:57Saying that it is about him but it's gentle teasing, then why are you subtweeting?
08:01You know?
08:02If it's gentle teasing, tag.
08:04Tag the guy.
08:05So you know you're doing something wrong.
08:07But also, like, I want to see the tweets.
08:09Maybe make your profile private after you show me the tweets.
08:12Subject matter jurisdiction.
08:14I don't know what that means.
08:16And then to say you're building a following.
08:19Sir, what are we doing?
08:21It sounds like you already have a job, and building a following shouldn't be your priority.
08:25And then, no, we're not calling it X.
08:28I'm not going to do that, and you can't make me.
08:30You can't make me.
08:31I feel like Simone Biles.
08:32You know that?
08:34There are frequently times in my life where I think I have a different calling.
08:38One is to be the first assistant director on a film set because you do get to kind of yell at everybody.
08:44And to be a lawyer because I do get to just listen to the sound of my own voice and act like I'm the smartest person in the room.
08:52Which clearly is the only thing I'm good at.
08:56In closing, I'd like to say that this was very rewarding.
08:59And if you have other petty disputes, please at me because I love mess.
09:08I love mess.
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