Victim turned offender turned survivor of violence now leading positive change by breaking the cycle

ABC NEWS (Australia)

There isn't a day that goes by without at least one report of domestic violence in Australia. And like so many others, Darryl Gardiner grew up in a toxic cycle, which he decided to break. He shared the story of how he is now helping other men to do the same with ABC's Compass.

Transcript

00:00I'm a lucky man. I have four kids and a beautiful wife, Kate. I live a happy life now, but what

00:16people don't know is just how much violence it took to get here.

00:25Very brave man there, Darryl Gardner, and he joins us now on Weekend Breakfast. A very

00:30good morning to you, Darryl.

00:32Good morning, guys. How are you?

00:34Yeah, really good. Now, Darryl, we know that violence begets violence. You were caught

00:39up in this cycle of violence. You grew up with violence. You became the victim of violence

00:46and then you inflicted violence yourself. Can you take us back to the moment in your

00:50life where you realized this was a time where you needed to break that cycle?

00:54Yeah, I certainly can. Thank you, and thank you for taking the time this morning to shine

01:01your spotlight on such an important issue. So for me, I was in my early 20s and by that

01:09stage I'd had a whole lifetime of violence, both as a victim and then a decade spent as

01:17an offender in different contexts as well. I was looking at spending a considerable amount

01:23of time in prison and I began to think, I began to become quite exhausted because, like

01:31I'd been running a marathon for so long, I began to slowly have these thoughts that there

01:39must be more to life and maybe there's something else out there other than violence, but at

01:45that stage, because that was all I knew, I didn't even know how to go to a GP if I had

01:50a sore throat, let alone seek help. But these things sort of lined up. I had this consistent

01:57force, even throughout all those years, I had this consistent force of my grandmother

02:02in my life telling me, we're proud of you, I love you unconditionally. I came to the

02:08point in time where I thought I need to do better for her. I need to do better for her

02:14and repay that faith she's had in me my whole life. I also thought I didn't want to spend

02:20the next 10 years in custody and then around that same time I became a dad as well, so

02:25I had to change and leave that other life behind.

02:29Daryl, you teach women's self-defence but you also speak to men who are going through

02:34the kind of struggle that you went through as well. I want to focus on the men here.

02:39What are they saying to you about the kind of struggles they have in their lives in trying

02:44to stop themselves from being violent?

02:48Yeah, look, you know, it's not, probably a week wouldn't go by without a male making

02:54contact or another man making contact with me and saying, you know, look, if I could

03:01sort of summarise all of these conversations into one, the consistent theme is, you know,

03:06we, I've been violent, I've used violence, you know, but I don't want to do it anymore,

03:11but I just don't know how to change.

03:15We know that the male identity, you know, is wrapped up in being tough or being strong.

03:23How do you ensure that it doesn't flip over into being toxic?

03:28Yeah, I think that's a really good question and I think that that crossover into being

03:33toxic is never okay and we have to consistently have that narrative that it's never okay,

03:40it's not just okay sometimes, it's not just okay if you've had a drink or things like

03:44that, it's never okay and when we're hurting other people and also in turn hurting ourselves,

03:51that's when that tough becomes toxic and it just can't happen, otherwise, you know,

03:55long after I'm gone, we'll still be having these conversations, unfortunately.

04:00Nero, for a very long time, the issue of domestic violence was really just limited to

04:05a lot of women talking to each other about the issue, about what they can do, about how

04:10to stop this, but now men are being invited to join in that conversation as well, a national

04:16conversation. How are men reacting to that invitation?

04:23Look, I think that the men that are committed to being part of this conversation are reacting

04:29really well and the men that aren't committed to being part of this conversation but still

04:34want to have their input are the sort of men who are not doing anything to validate victim

04:41survivor experiences and will probably be found out and not be invited back to their table,

04:47but there is some very strong voices coming out and these voices are the ones that are

04:51willing to work in collaboration with women, not to replace them, not to take over that voice,

04:56but to work together and share that platform. Listen, Daryl, you're doing such good work

05:01there. We really admire you for doing the work and for sharing your story and being so vulnerable

05:06as well. No doubt a lot of people will take heart from that, from your story on Compass.

05:12Daryl Gardner from Rolling With The Punches, thank you.

05:16Thank you, guys. Have a great day. Appreciate the support.

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