00:00Hi, so my name is Sai Kiran. I come from a nearly nice family. I love my mother.
00:09She's a good mother. I tell everywhere she's a great mother, but she isn't
00:13satisfied. She says I don't want to be a good mother or a great mother. Make me a
00:18grandmother. But it's not easy, difficult because it's not easy for me to get
00:24married because I'm very bad at first impressions. Most girls who see me for
00:29the first time don't like me. If only they spend some time with me and get to
00:33know me better, they start to truly hate me.
00:38Even when I'm silently walking on the road minding my own business, any woman
00:43coming in the opposite direction, instinctively crosses to the other side of the road.
00:46And nowadays with all this news about violence against women, the moment
00:52women see me, they start covering themselves with their saree pallus like
00:56this. One day I saw a girl do it and I just lost it. Hey, what are you doing? Do I
01:03look like a molester? She said no, no, no, no. I thought you're a chain snatcher.
01:12It happens, it happens all the time to me because I think because I'm dark-skinned.
01:16People don't like dark-skinned people in our country. Forget others, my own parents.
01:22Like when I was born in the hospital, looking at me their first reaction was
01:26Aiyo!
01:31They said it so loudly, half the hospital thought I was a girl.
01:42My mom made it her mission in life to make me fairer. She had a poster of
01:49Michael Jackson in the kitchen. If his mom can do it, I can do it.
01:55My mom spent more money on almond milk to rub on my skin and make it fairer
02:00than buffalo milk to feed me. I was just born dark. I grew up to be dark and
02:07malnourished. Like I'm a fully grown adult today but my mom doesn't let me
02:13touch coffee or tea. Saying drinking them will make me darker. Boost and bone
02:20weight are also banned. People like my mom believe the color of what you eat
02:25affects the color of your skin. That's why South Indians are obsessed with
02:30eating everything in bite. Rice with curd, appam with stew, idli with coconut
02:42chutney doesn't make a difference. No matter the color of what you eat, the
02:47end result is still brown. Skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin.
02:58But I can understand my parents disappointment because in my family we have both
03:01genes. My grandfather was dark but my grandmother was fair. Forget South Indian
03:07fair. Forget North Indian fair. Imagine an Afghanistani. L by no. That's how fair
03:18she was. And they both got married because my grandfather was dark and rich.
03:26My grandmother was fair and poor. Now I am dark and poor.
03:38But we have the other branch of the family. My cousins who inherited all the
03:43money and the fair genes. Oh they make so much fun of me.
03:47Sai Kiran you're such a lucky guy because you're dark. Unlike us you can
03:52go out in the sun whenever you want. As if my skin doesn't burn. This is melanin
03:59not Teflon. These fair-skinned morons think that if a cow stays in the sun for
04:08too long it becomes a buffalo. But forget animals. Even gods cannot escape this
04:16discrimination in our country. You all know Lord Krishna. Krishna means dark. He is
04:21described in the Mahabharata as neelameghashyama which means as dark as the
04:26rain-filled cloud. Then why the hell do they show him everywhere to be sky blue
04:30in color?
04:34How colorblind do you have to be to confuse the color of the cloud to the
04:39color of the sky? That's why we can't predict rains in this country properly.
04:46If you remember TV Mahabharata, Lord Krishna was played by Nitish Bharadwaj
04:55who was super fair. Just like Leonardo DiCaprio playing Nelson Mandela.
05:05Because we can't accept a hero can be dark-skinned. Why? We are just dark not shady.
05:13Some think Lord Krishna was really a thief. No. He was just the darkest child in Vrindavan.
05:19And everybody accused him only. Because all the stuff that was getting stolen were
05:24white eatables. Butter, milk, curd. Who else?
05:33But at least ancient India was a progressive time. Because in spite of all
05:37the propaganda, Lord Krishna was very lucky with the ladies. Not something I
05:44can claim to be. I recently read a report by Jeevansathi.com. According to it, 71%
05:52of Indian women want their husbands to be fair-skinned. The rest 29% don't care
05:57about skin color. As long as the guy is rich. So in this country to whitewash
06:03brown skin, you need black money. My face is red with anger. But you can't notice
06:14it because of my skin color. I know about these matrimonial sites. Let's be honest.
06:25This face wasn't exactly manufactured anticipating the arrival of Tinder. The highest my parents
06:31aimed was TeluguMatrimony.com. And I registered on that site sometime back. And there I realized
06:37that the competition for Indian women is absolutely brutal. On these websites, for 100 men,
06:43there are barely 50 women. And NRIs take away the top 20 export-quality girls.
06:53The next 20 go to the two I's of India. IITs and IIMs.
07:01Men like me don't stand a chance. So I clearly wrote in my profile,
07:06I may not be an NRI or an IITian, but I am healthy,
07:09I am a vegetarian, and I do not smoke or drink. Even coffee or tea.
07:16I thought many women will be impressed by someone like that. And I got 5 responses.
07:20Not from women. But from people requesting blood and organ donations.
07:32It was a bit painful. But I took the money. And the fruity. And registered myself on shaadi.com.
07:43And I'm very proud to tell you, just a few weeks back,
07:45I completed 5 years as a fully paid member of shaadi.com.
07:51Apparently, I am the first person in the country to reach this milestone.
08:00So they sent me a congratulatory email.
08:09And they said, after 5 years on shaadi.com, most men get into a committed relationship.
08:13Or commit suicide.
08:16So as a special gesture towards me, they gave me a free upgrade.
08:22To the fresh faces section. Of second shaadi.com.
08:28And there on that website, I saw all these familiar girls,
08:32who 5 years ago rejected me, got married, had kids, got divorced,
08:37and again on this website, again rejecting me.
08:39Deja vu.
08:44They say I'm incompatible with their kids.
08:47If you agreed 5 years ago, that would have been my kid.
08:53But a lot of people wonder, if a product is on display, either amazon.com or shaadi.com,
08:58either it's a marketing defect or a manufacturing defect.
09:02I'll be honest with you guys here, I have a small manufacturing defect.
09:05I'm a manglik.
09:07So before I can marry a girl, I have to marry a tree.
09:11Now the only thing more difficult than finding a girl these days,
09:16is finding a tree.
09:18But you may say, but there are so many trees around, you can just marry it.
09:21It's not that simple.
09:22There are caste issues.
09:26I cannot just marry any creeper or croton.
09:29Like if you're a Marwadi, you have to marry a money plant.
09:33Like if you're a Marwadi, you have to marry a money plant.
09:42You're a Brahmin, you marry a touch me not.
09:50You're mixed caste, you have to marry a hybrid.
09:54So I was getting desperate.
09:55Because all my friends had girlfriends, they're taking them to all these parks
09:58to do naughty things behind the bushes.
10:01I was going to the same parks alone, to do naughty things with the bushes.
10:09But my very good loving mother, she anticipated this when my horoscope was written.
10:13So she started raising a plant in my house.
10:17Hoping when the time comes, I can just marry it.
10:20But now my priest tells me, because the plant and I were raised in the same house
10:23by the same mother, we are like brother and sister and should not marry.
Comments