00:00Hey, England! For the entirety of this video, I'm gonna be calling this sport football and this sport soccer, okay?
00:07Well, blimey, mate, we got a cheeky bugger here. We do, we do. We'll pip-pop cheerio, hope a stiffy wanks your knuckles. God save the Queen.
00:13Ha ha, what did I just say?
00:16So, the theme of this video, sports.
00:19Either you love them, or you hate them. Or you have some other third opinion.
00:23Growing up, my family was never big on sports. We never watched any games on the telly.
00:27I'm sorry, I still got some British in me.
00:29And me and my dad never went out and played catch. He also never taught me how to shave.
00:33He was gone a lot. He always talked about Heather.
00:36Okay, but I did play soccer for a couple years when I was, like, seven. I was on the green team.
00:41Sports at that age aren't even, like, sports. It's just parents wanting you to go outside more.
00:46Being a goalie on a soccer team when you're that age is super stressful. The whole team is counting on you.
00:51Even stopping a ball that's gently rolled towards you is difficult.
00:55At the time, the other team we were playing was so sucky that all the players spent the whole game on their half of the field.
01:00And I was the goalie for my team. And I remember just sitting down and picking at the grass.
01:04Soccer was the only sport that I'd been on a team for.
01:07Well, I mean, I'm not counting the track team that I was on for only two days.
01:10There was this kid I mentioned a long time ago in my Boy Scout video named Micah.
01:14Now, he was a soccer fanatic. I wonder what he's doing.
01:17Okay, England. We have this holiday called Thanksgiving.
01:21We celebrate it because it's when we left your lame country.
01:25So on Thanksgiving, for some reason, it's a tradition to play football before you go and eat food.
01:29So while the ladies stay inside and cook the meal, the men go outside and throw the pigskin around.
01:33I'm just kidding, you guys. I'm not a sexist. But, I mean, that is what happens.
01:37So one time during Thanksgiving, I was a little kid, like, 11 or 12.
01:40And I was playing football with my dad and his other 40-year-old friends.
01:43So me being the littlest, I wasn't particularly the best player.
01:47But while we were playing, I freaking caught the ball. I caught it!
01:51And then I just started booking it across the field.
01:53I've probably never ran so quickly in my entire life.
01:56And I actually made it! I scored a home run!
01:59And that, to me, was such a pivotal point in my life.
02:02I felt so accomplished.
02:04Me, a little kid, scored a goal against a bunch of adults.
02:07I would think back to it if I was ever feeling sad.
02:10Like, oh, I failed this math test.
02:12But, uh, one time I scored a basket against a bunch of adults when I was 12.
02:16But I remember I was a senior in high school, and I was just driving.
02:19And then the thought came to me, they probably let me score that touchdown.
02:22They were going easy on me.
02:24Man, growing up sucks!
02:26I was never all that competitive as a child.
02:28Well, okay, I was never competitive when it came to sports.
02:30It's just a game, guys! We're supposed to have fun!
02:33Winning's not that important!
02:35Sports are good at that age, though.
02:37They promote physical activity, you can make friends,
02:39you might like the sport and want to pursue it more,
02:41and it's not a big deal if you suck.
02:43I'm totally making my future kid play a sport.
02:45That is, if I have kids. What if I die alone?
02:48People make the comparison that some people watch gaming channels
02:51for the same reason that others watch sports.
02:53You're watching someone play a video game?
02:55Why do you watch someone play when you can just go to the computer and play it yourself?
02:59Now, replace the word video game with sport,
03:01and outside with computer,
03:03and it's the same thing.
03:05Loading Artist made a very good comic about the point I'm trying to make.
03:08I'll just read it.
03:09What are you doing?
03:10Watching this guy play a game. It's pretty funny.
03:12Wait, so you aren't even playing?
03:14Yeesh, what a waste of time.
03:15And then he goes and watches a sports game.
03:17Man, Loading Artist is so much cooler than me.
03:19I've said this before, but he was such a big inspiration to me
03:22when I was first starting out,
03:23I just wanted to say that again.
03:25Go read all of his comics right now.
03:27I just want to say it's fine if you watch sports.
03:29Granted, I won't watch them with you,
03:31because they're incredibly boring!
03:33You want to know why gaming channels work?
03:35It's because they play different games.
03:36Even CaptainSparklez, who mostly plays Minecraft,
03:39and also who I love, by the way,
03:41and I did buy a t-shirt to prove my point,
03:44but it's still in the mail.
03:45See, look, I bought a t-shirt,
03:47and I bought sunglasses right here.
03:49So I just want to give a big shout-out to
03:51TheMakerShop.com,
03:53who's taking a million years to ship me my CaptainSparklez shirt.
03:56It was going to be so cool!
03:58I was going to say, I bought a t-shirt to prove my point,
04:00and then I was going to flick the sunglasses that I also bought down.
04:03Notice me, senpai!
04:04This email says it's going to take 3 to 7 business days to ship.
04:09Well, yesterday was the 13th business day.
04:11So what is it, Jordan?
04:137 or 13?
04:14So I bought this just so I have something physical
04:16to show my love for CaptainSparklez.
04:18I've been watching all of his videos since TNT.
04:21Oh, he's changed it.
04:25But the point is,
04:26he changes around the format and the rules of his Let's Plays
04:29with all the different maps he plays.
04:31It's different for every video,
04:33even his role-playing ones,
04:34which I'm still waiting for part 5 to come out.
04:36Like, imagine if there was a gaming channel
04:38that only played the first Super Mario game.
04:40It might be fun to watch at first,
04:41especially if they're good at playing the game,
04:43and it might be fun to watch how other people play it
04:45and see what they do.
04:46But for 50 years?
04:48Don't you think that would get a little boring after a while?
04:51I mean, only so much can happen.
04:53And that's what I think sports is like sometimes.
04:56It's the same game, same rules,
04:58over and over and over.
05:00Like, spice some things up once in a while.
05:02What if for basketball there were, like, mystery boxes,
05:05like in Mario Kart,
05:06and you could grab them,
05:07and that would give you an advantage?
05:08How about if a team is losing,
05:10they get some wacky, hilarious handicap
05:12depending on how far behind they are,
05:13so it's not hopeless for them.
05:15But James, sports is supposed to measure your talent.
05:19Whatever!
05:20It gets boring to watch.
05:22I can understand if the teams are neck and neck
05:24and it comes down to one final play
05:26like what it does in every sports movie.
05:28That's why they have to use that plot device
05:30in all the sports movies to make it interesting.
05:32But a lot of times, sports aren't like that.
05:34Like, if one team is leading by 50 points,
05:36why even bother watching the last 5 minutes of the game?
05:39I would rather watch any Air Bud movie
05:41than a sports game,
05:42because stuff actually happens in those movies!
05:44And they're different each time!
05:46And there's a dog wearing shoes in it.
05:48I just want to say for the record,
05:49if my kid grew up to be a professional athlete,
05:51then I'll watch sports.
05:53But only the games that they play in.
05:54And only the games that are interesting.
05:56Ugh! Why is it sociably acceptable
05:58to know everything about sports and dress up,
06:00but it isn't acceptable to dress up in fursuits and go to cons?
06:03You see, I don't think it's acceptable
06:05to do either of those things.
06:06You're both weird.
06:07But don't let me stop you.
06:09You do you.
06:11Okay, let's talk about some stories!
06:13In grade school, I was put in the honor classes
06:15for my academic achievement,
06:16which did not help me whatsoever.
06:18It probably hurt me when I went to college.
06:20But that's not what we're talking about!
06:22Anyway, so during recess,
06:23the whole class would play kickball.
06:25Kickball is a fun sport.
06:26Anyone can play it,
06:27but it takes a pro to be good at it.
06:29What?
06:30There was this girl in my class
06:31who was the best kickball player,
06:33and then later when she grew up,
06:34she became the valedictorian of my high school
06:36and went to Harvard.
06:37I'm proud of her.
06:38Also, my ginger friend and Nick Jiggly,
06:39who I've mentioned before,
06:40he also got to speak during graduation.
06:42Actually, okay,
06:43so Nick had this thing
06:44where his hands would shake.
06:45I don't think it was Parkinson's.
06:47I actually emailed him about it,
06:49and he said,
06:50I asked a doctor,
06:51and he said it's just a mild tremor.
06:53Ha.
06:54So he's probably fine.
06:55But whenever he would give a presentation
06:56in front of the class,
06:57his hands would be shaking,
06:58and people would think,
06:59oh, he's nervous.
07:01But no, actually,
07:02he's the most extroverted
07:03and outgoing kid that I knew.
07:05He just had a condition.
07:06That was a pretty long tangent.
07:07What are we talking about?
07:08Sports?
07:09Oh, yeah, kickball.
07:10Since everyone in the class
07:11was kind of already a nerd,
07:13I wasn't usually the last one
07:14to be picked on a team.
07:15I was usually the fourth or third to last.
07:17It's so nerve-wracking
07:18when the last five are still standing,
07:20and you think,
07:21don't let me be last,
07:22don't let me be last,
07:23and then you get picked,
07:24and it's like,
07:25ha, they think I'm better than you,
07:27which I'm not, actually.
07:28One time, I think I was like 15 or something,
07:30and me and this big group of people
07:32went to a sports complex,
07:33and we were having fun,
07:34playing games,
07:35and running around,
07:36and then, boom,
07:37a soccer ball just whacked me in the face.
07:39I got a bloody nose,
07:40and I couldn't stand up
07:41without toppling over for a few seconds,
07:43and then I went to a bathroom,
07:44you know, freshened up.
07:45What sucked was that
07:46it was a girl that hit me,
07:47and people made jokes like,
07:48oh, you got hit by a girl.
07:50It still hurt okay.
07:52So I sat out for a couple of minutes.
07:54I waited until I stopped
07:55seeing flashing colors.
07:56Then, like the man that I am,
07:58I went back and played some more,
08:00and not five minutes go by
08:02when, pfft, it happened again.
08:05Different person this time,
08:06but after the second time,
08:07I was completely out.
08:08I mean, I wasn't unconscious,
08:10but I couldn't get up.
08:11I remember my brother
08:12had to carry me out on his shoulder,
08:13so I didn't play any more soccer after that.
08:16I didn't play for a long time, actually.
08:18I don't think I ever played soccer
08:19after that whole experience.
08:21So, thanks for watching.
08:23That was the video.
08:24I didn't even talk about
08:25how sports athletes are overpaid,
08:28but that's not really my here nor there
08:31to say that.
08:32Some people think that
08:33I'm probably overpaid.
08:35I would have had to do research
08:36to talk about the overpaid athletes.
08:39Teachers, they don't get paid.
08:41They get paid nothing.
08:42But, I mean, it's kind of like
08:43supply and demand.
08:44I mean, I'm just talking
08:46out of my butt right now.
08:47Not everyone can throw a football.
08:49Ah, what else?
08:50So, yeah, thanks for watching.
08:52Remember to smash that video,
08:53smash that subscribe button,
08:55smash that comment bar,
08:57and smash your girlfriend.
08:59I'm sorry.
