END OF A MAMA'S BOY! Freedomain Call In

Stefan Molyneux

"I'm 26. I still live with my mum at the moment. I've got a warehouse job, it's been going on for a few months now. It's okay, but I feel like I want more from life, and I realize I feel like I've wanted more from live for a while now... I feel like I've been kind of drifting through life a lot recently, just kind of accepting what's given to me and not really--you know--pushing for more, essentially, and getting quite down about that as well."  https://www.publish0x.com/@YouveBeenGreeked  Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!  Get my new series on the Truth About the French Revolution, the Truth About Sadism, access to the audiobook for my new book 'Peaceful Parenting,' StefBOT-AI, private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and more!  See you soon!  https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022

Transcript

00:00:00 I'm not too bad. I'm a little nervous to be honest. I'm not really sure why but um

00:00:03 You're about to talk about about me great challenges in your life. So yes, i'm i'm all the ears. Uh, hit me up and uh,

00:00:12 Let me know how I can best help

00:00:14 Yeah, well, um, like I said in my message originally i'm 26. I still live in my mom at the moment my own

00:00:21 uh, i've got a warehouse job it's been going on for

00:00:25 A few months now. It's it's okay, but I I feel like I want more than life and I've realized I kind of

00:00:29 Feel like I want I feel like i've wanted more from life for a while now

00:00:35 um

00:00:37 I think life's been kind of I feel like i've been kind of drifting

00:00:39 through life

00:00:41 a lot recently just kind of accepting what's given to me and not really

00:00:44 You know pushing for more essentially. Um and getting quite down about that as well

00:00:50 Um, did you grow up with a father

00:00:55 Not really my parents when I was

00:00:58 About I want to say five about five

00:01:01 And do you have much memory with your father memories of your father?

00:01:05 From a very early age basically nothing. Um, I would go and say obviously I got my mom got custody of us me and my brother

00:01:14 um

00:01:15 Wait, what do you mean full custody?

00:01:17 Well, we'd go and see him at um

00:01:20 weekends

00:01:22 Uh, he'd be living from flat to flat. He lived in a tent at one point. He lived on a boat

00:01:26 At another point in a tent

00:01:28 He did. Yeah, he

00:01:29 He would be big grills. What are you talking about? I think that's probably the image he had of himself in his mind

00:01:34 But it was uh, he'd find some like public land, but he could stay out for cheap money

00:01:40 Okay, like a two-man fold-up tent and he would stay in there at times. Yeah, did you?

00:01:46 Stay with him at the tent

00:01:49 Yeah, yeah a couple of times some cold pretty weird nights in a tent. Yeah

00:01:54 Did he have a job?

00:01:57 Not that I can remember no, no, I don't even remember him really looking for work or looking for a proper house to stay

00:02:04 eventually he had to get um

00:02:06 Well, eventually his mom bought him a place. Um this kind of crappy run-down house in the middle of a city

00:02:12 Uh, and he's been there ever since I think he's been there about 15 years now

00:02:18 Well, what did he live on? I mean gotta have I mean money for food and stuff, right? Nobody hunt

00:02:23 I assume maybe on the lord's land. I mean what what the hell I I see I think benefits

00:02:29 That's oh, so you live enough the taxpayer

00:02:32 Yeah. Yeah, that's great

00:02:35 Yeah, great. So he's a parasite man who um was very

00:02:38 into his his government things and

00:02:41 Being away from the government, you know, he had a pretty similar. Oh, he was a he was a rebel living on

00:02:47 Other people's money through the government

00:02:49 Yeah, okay. So a total hypocrite and kind of a parasite on society, right? Yeah, i've kind of lived with that hypocrisy on my mind

00:02:55 All through my life really it's it's been hard to because I I guess young me wanted to

00:02:59 maintain a relationship with my dad

00:03:02 But also try and put up with this hypocrisy and it's yeah

00:03:06 And do you know why your parents married and why they're divorced

00:03:15 I don't actually I have I have no idea why they're married. I they're completely different people. Um

00:03:19 I don't I don't really know how they met

00:03:22 I I certainly don't know why they divorced because um, I get two different stories about that

00:03:25 My mom says that my dad initiated the divorce and my dad says my mom initiated the divorce

00:03:29 So i'm living between i've been living pretty much my entire life with these two

00:03:37 Polar opposite people and I mean even when my mom got with a another boyfriend after that they were together 15 years or so

00:03:44 I mean even they seem like really opposite people. So

00:03:47 Was your father very good looking when he was younger?

00:03:50 When he was younger, uh, I do have a picture of him somewhere actually it's it's okay. Okay looking I think quite early balding

00:03:58 No, no, that's that's that's a huge plus let me tell you there's nothing sexier than going bald in your 20s

00:04:06 objectively speaking obviously, of course, um

00:04:11 Okay, so the guy that your mom got together with after your dad

00:04:16 Was he a good guy was he a good um

00:04:22 Stepdad or

00:04:26 Well, the step up is that he provided. I mean he had a good job. He was a electrician. Um, i'm pretty sure he's retired now

00:04:32 um

00:04:34 Yeah, he'd be up at like five backs like 12 hours later. So he's a hard worker and provided but that's

00:04:39 From my perspective. That's as much as I can say really I I don't I never really

00:04:43 Bonded with him. I was thankful for what he could do, but that's kind of it

00:04:47 So tell me what you mean, you know, so how old were you when

00:04:52 You got together when your your mom and your stepdad got together. Um

00:04:58 Around about the age my parents divorced. So maybe five or five or six

00:05:02 So you're sorry your mother divorced your dad and got together with this guy very quickly

00:05:09 uh, yeah, I kind of just remember him being in the house one day and sort of

00:05:13 Realizing he'd been there for a few days after a while and sort of realizing. Oh, okay

00:05:17 I guess I guess this guy's living here now

00:05:19 Hmm

00:05:22 Yeah

00:05:24 Okay

00:05:26 And you'd never had much connection with him

00:05:29 No, not at all. I I tried I would go like swimming with him. Um, sometimes

00:05:35 um

00:05:36 It's it's really hard to talk to him. I mean you get home from work

00:05:39 And just kind of slouched on the couch maybe crack open a beer. Well, definitely crack open a beer

00:05:45 and that would kind of be it and I would hear them to kind of

00:05:49 Falling out of each other and arguing over. I don't really know just everything. Um

00:05:55 I was always kind of remembering like I don't I don't know how those two got together either. There's such polar opposite people

00:06:03 So you said you assumed that he's retired, uh, that means I assume that

00:06:07 Your parents, uh, sorry your mother and your stepfather have separated

00:06:11 Yeah, yeah, so they separated. Um, um for about five years ago now and do you know why they separated?

00:06:19 uh

00:06:22 Yeah, he actually apparently he promised to marry her at some point

00:06:27 15 years later. There's nothing on that and I think I think it just kind of set in for maybe too late, but

00:06:33 Uh, yeah, they were just kind of very different people

00:06:36 Different, huh?

00:06:40 Uh

00:06:42 well, he was like I said very hard working and

00:06:44 very job and money focused and

00:06:47 Thinking about it. That's kind of what she's become now and nowadays

00:06:51 Well, I mean if if he's very different from your father, but they're both opposite to your mother

00:06:56 Your mother remains a bit of a mini

00:06:58 Hmm, that's that's kind of in on my mind as well. Like

00:07:01 There's some very clear issues with with my dad

00:07:03 But i've been kind of wondering like how my mom got with these people like she chose them after all

00:07:08 Okay, so what's your mom like

00:07:12 Uh, well now that she's she's pretty she's pretty hard working and now she's she's the one who's kind of

00:07:18 um

00:07:20 money focused and work focused and

00:07:24 I've

00:07:24 found it pretty hard to connect with her and now now she's the one who kind of gets home from work and then

00:07:28 Slaps in front of the couch thinking about it

00:07:30 Okay, and what what field does she work in

00:07:34 Uh, she's a school attendance officer so she works with the council. Oh, so government worker. Yeah. Yeah

00:07:42 All right, and she's not dated since your stepdad left

00:07:48 She has she had a boyfriend for a couple of months, uh, and then they split up. I don't really remember him too much

00:07:55 um

00:07:57 and then she's been with her current boyfriend now for

00:07:59 About four years or so and I I do like him. I get on with him. Thankfully. I don't see him too often

00:08:04 But he's he's nice and what's happened to your relationship with your bio dad?

00:08:09 Uh, so about a year ago I uh

00:08:13 De-food him as you would say. Um, I just I kind of had enough of his hypocrisy. I also had enough of the way he was

00:08:19 Treating my family as well, especially my brother. Um, so basically when he moved to that place, which I assume he's still at now

00:08:28 Uh, it's a very run-down area. Uh, his neighbors have been

00:08:33 Shouting at each other and screaming and I'm pretty sure stabbing each other as well

00:08:38 for quite a while, um

00:08:42 And it's it's just not a nice

00:08:44 Place to be and obviously my brother was hesitant to ever go and see him

00:08:48 And did he ever get a job or has he basically been on the doll his life? He got a very

00:08:55 Basic kind of minimum wage job at this, uh, like

00:09:01 Cake tin cleaning factory, which was very poorly managed and

00:09:08 Um, he said he was going to sue them a couple of times and he never actually did um

00:09:13 Yeah, so he got some kind of job and then he moved it back into some kind of electronics job he was a

00:09:20 Electronics engineer many years ago. Um, wait, so he's trained as an electronics engineer

00:09:26 Oh, this is this is a very intelligent person. Like when it comes to maths and science. He's like deeply intelligent

00:09:32 It's I kind of see him as a

00:09:35 hugely wasted potential

00:09:37 other person

00:09:39 A hugely wasted potential. I mean, isn't he just loser?

00:09:43 Yeah, yeah, and why do you have any any sort of thoughts as to why he

00:09:50 Betrayed his potential to that degree

00:09:53 Um

00:09:58 Well from what he's told me there was um, he went down the road of what people would call conspiracy theories, I guess

00:10:06 and that kind of took over his life to the point where he was

00:10:10 thinking that there were doctors and lawyers like

00:10:13 Convening against him in particular and well, it's pre-covid, right?

00:10:17 This is yeah, this is pre-covid. Okay, because you know, I can understand that a little post-covid but pre-covid

00:10:23 and uh, was he uh

00:10:26 My assumption is that he used drugs. So but I could be wrong, of course

00:10:31 Uh, not to my knowing no, no, he liked to drink for sure his little fridge was always full of some beers

00:10:36 but no, um, no smoking or anything well, no, okay

00:10:41 All right. And do you have any idea why he went down the conspiracy theory route?

00:10:46 Uh, well he said the story he told me is that he said he saw a video of um, 9-11 that's what kicked it off

00:10:54 And he used his engineering mind to say that oh the buildings came down at three full speeds. So they must have been

00:11:01 you know

00:11:02 bombed at the base or whatever, um

00:11:04 I think I think that's initially what set it off and then from there it's

00:11:08 Bilderberg groups info wars, you know

00:11:11 Are you sure? Well, okay. So let's let's say that he went down this

00:11:17 Conspiracy theories. I mean there are conspiracies right? Obviously. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I mean it's literally a crime in in every legal system conspiracy

00:11:27 So there are conspiracy theories. I guess my question is why did the conspiracy theories that he believed in why did they?

00:11:33 Like what was going on in his life that that became a kind of substitute for life if that makes sense

00:11:38 At that point I mean, what was that 2001 I mean as far as I know he still had his really stable job

00:11:45 I mean, I think he was on

00:11:47 50 grand a year and that's back then so

00:11:49 I mean if he did just stayed on course for that would probably be well much better but

00:11:56 Yeah, I I really I really don't know like looking back. I just I just so when sorry

00:12:00 When did he fall off the wagon as far as productivity went like having a real job and stuff?

00:12:04 Uh, I can't remember exactly but it'd be very early 2000s, so 2002 three four five

00:12:11 so this is

00:12:14 I'll be nice obviously long after

00:12:16 You uh, well long after he left the family, is that right?

00:12:23 Long off long after idler family. No, sorry long after he'd left family

00:12:27 All right, uh, yeah, well I think he got down that route of four

00:12:32 Before then and then my parents divorced a few years after a couple years after okay. So he went down that rabbit hole

00:12:40 And did he end up with other relationships of any substance

00:12:47 Do you know I think in all these 20 plus years I don't think he's ever

00:12:51 Dated or anything like that

00:12:54 He's never dated. No, never never never spoken to anyone in that sort of way. Um,

00:12:59 He's he's very much isolated himself in that little house. He's in there

00:13:02 Um

00:13:06 I mean doesn't he have a sex drive doesn't he have a

00:13:08 Like a romantic drive. I mean i'm trying to sort of what does this mean? He doesn't date at all. It's like 20 years

00:13:15 I'm guessing he does but i've never

00:13:17 No, he's he's never

00:13:19 Said that he's seeing anyone

00:13:21 So, I don't know what what's happening with that

00:13:23 but that drive

00:13:25 Yeah, has he at all?

00:13:27 Wrestled with well, actually let me ask you when was the last time I mean you said you separated from him

00:13:32 I'm, sorry to hear that of course, but I can certainly understand it

00:13:34 When it comes to his life as a whole has he wrestled with the contradiction that

00:13:41 These conspiracy theories

00:13:44 Doesn't they don't seem to have done much good for his life as a whole?

00:13:47 I mean he said for years he said for years and years that he would you know, try and

00:13:52 Get some work and move back down closer to us so we could see him more often and sort his life out

00:13:59 I think I I definitely clung on to that as a as a child growing up

00:14:03 I was hopeful that he could like turn things around and I could see him more often

00:14:07 Because he got to the point where I'd see him once every few months essentially for maybe a weekend

00:14:13 And what age were you when it really began to fall off that way?

00:14:16 I think early 20s because I think in the past couple of years

00:14:21 And did he ever give you any particular kind of instruction on how to live?

00:14:26 I guess it's kind of tough to take instruction on how to live from a guy living in a tent

00:14:29 But did he ever give you I mean any any advice that that?

00:14:34 Matted or or was a value or meant something to you?

00:14:41 Yeah, I mean he had he had lots of

00:14:43 good things to say like that like like financial advice like like cryptocurrencies and investing and

00:14:49 You know starting financial advice

00:14:52 Well, yeah. Yeah, there's a guy in the tent being hypocrite. Yep

00:14:56 It's how you manage

00:14:59 money, son now if you can just

00:15:01 Check the mosquitoes in the tent, that would be excellent

00:15:05 Okay, so he had things that didn't make much sense to you

00:15:09 Did he have anything that's any any advice that did make sense to you? I guess he couldn't give you any advice on dating, right?

00:15:14 No, I never got that from him. No, uh, did he give you advice on friendships or integrity or virtue or anything like that?

00:15:22 Aside from they you should go out more and socialize

00:15:27 Not really the guy living in the tents

00:15:30 Sorry, don't mean to laugh the guy living in the tent

00:15:33 the hovel in the

00:15:35 Rat infested clatter of small limes fire neighborhood is telling you to go out and socialize more

00:15:40 Yeah, that was that was yeah, did he ever give you any advice that wasn't totally laughable?

00:15:44 Um

00:15:48 I don't think so. It was always kind of laughable to me in the back of my mind

00:15:51 especially as I grew up just seeing the just raging hypocrisy of this guy, but

00:15:55 Right, okay, and did he ever tell you about his childhood?

00:16:01 No, no, I I don't know much about his childhood the only there's only one little story I know from his childhood

00:16:06 Which is that when he was being bottle fed by his mom his dad came in

00:16:09 Yanked the bottle from her hands threw it in the fireplace and then said now how are you gonna feed it?

00:16:13 It nice. Yeah, that's that's all I know. So yeah, i'm glad yes. Yes

00:16:19 I'm sure that the problems with your father were about 9 11. Yeah, that's it. That's the big concerns about your father is 9 11

00:16:27 Okay, got it

00:16:30 um

00:16:32 And what about your mother in terms of discipline or I assume your father didn't have any particular

00:16:38 habits of discipline towards you

00:16:41 What about your mother in terms of like you did things that she didn't want you to do or something like that?

00:16:46 Again it's been kind of hard to take

00:16:50 Advice from her like with her being so work focused. I guess I I guess I kind of struggle

00:16:58 To

00:16:59 find a lot of work and to sort of be inspired by her when I see her

00:17:03 exhausted from her work working

00:17:05 over time hours complaining about it left right center getting home in front of the tv and drinking, you know, it's

00:17:11 It's it's a little hard to say it's it yeah, it's hard to take advice from her

00:17:15 It's also hard to take advice from everyone like food. Sorry. She's a mother who works for the government and works too hard

00:17:22 Yeah

00:17:25 Well that makes her extra bad

00:17:27 The only thing worse than a lazy government worker is a hard-working government worker making life difficult for everyone else. All right

00:17:32 um

00:17:35 And how I mean how many hours a week does she does she work or did she work when you were a kid?

00:17:40 Uh, she yeah, I don't remember working when I was really young I do remember working in a school sort of pre-teen years, um

00:17:49 Working in front of the offices

00:17:53 I'm, not sure exactly what her work was doing there. But um

00:17:55 Yeah, uh, do you remember the question?

00:17:59 Okay

00:18:02 Yeah, how many hours I mean was she working 60 hours a week 80 hours a week?

00:18:05 50 I mean, I know it's hard to remember in terms of details, but was she gone a lot?

00:18:09 About 50 maybe slightly less than about 50

00:18:14 Okay, my guess is I mean i've been an entrepreneur. So I guess that's hard work for a government a government worker

00:18:21 Okay. Yeah, and who took care of you when your mother was working?

00:18:24 Uh, well luckily she was working with

00:18:29 Kids in school. So her working hours would be kind of school hours. So in fact she worked in the school

00:18:34 Like the lower school next to where I went for quite a few years. So i'd finish school and kind of go home with her

00:18:40 Um, so she was she was at home. Sorry if she's working kids hours how she working 50 hours a week

00:18:46 Yeah, maybe that's like 40 45

00:18:51 No, no, sorry. It's in school nine to three give or take

00:18:54 uh here it's like

00:18:57 Eight thirty to three thirty something that's about seven hours. But yeah, she'd be out of the house for like eight or nine hours

00:19:02 All right, so that's 35 hours

00:19:04 Uh, yeah, i'm not i'm not trying to nitpick here i'm just trying to understand that yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah about 35 hours

00:19:12 Okay, so

00:19:17 You're saying she's working two extra days, right 15 hours seven and a half

00:19:20 Right each. Yeah, so if she's working 35 hours with you, how do we get to the extra two days of work?

00:19:27 I mean did she work nights or weekends or?

00:19:29 at home or

00:19:31 Yeah, I think i'm getting my stories muddled up because that's like i'd say more recently

00:19:34 She's taken up a lot more hours with her current line of work

00:19:37 Okay, so did you go to daycare when you were very little?

00:19:40 Uh, yeah, I have some memories of of vague memories of daycare

00:19:46 And do you have any idea what age you were?

00:19:48 When your mom went back to work and put you in daycare

00:19:51 Uh

00:19:56 Sorry what age I was when

00:19:59 I mean some some moms go back to work like a six weeks some six months some six years. Do you have an idea?

00:20:06 Three or four maybe three or four years

00:20:13 Oh, so okay. So she stayed home with you for the first couple of years of your life and she didn't work. Is that right?

00:20:17 I don't know for certain but that's that's the yeah, I think so

00:20:23 Sorry, i'm not sure you do not have memories from back then not really. No. Well, oh you don't have memories

00:20:30 Not from really early like two or three. No

00:20:33 No, sorry, you said she was three or four you went she stayed home with you and didn't work

00:20:39 So is this when your father was working and he was making his 50 large a year and

00:20:44 Is that what was happening that your father was paying the bills and your mother was staying home with you?

00:20:49 Yes. Yeah, I do. I do have a vague memory of

00:20:53 For some reason going to see him at work. Yeah

00:20:56 Okay, so your mom's staying home with you and then

00:20:59 You go to daycare. She goes back to work and from then on you're in school or daycare

00:21:06 At some point did you become a latchkey kid like that sort of home from school?

00:21:09 Oh, no, because your mom would come home with you at the same time, right?

00:21:11 Uh for a little bit. Yeah. Yeah

00:21:14 Okay, got it

00:21:16 And how did discipline work? I mean if you did things that your mom didn't want you to do

00:21:20 How did that play did she did she spank did she yell did she time out? Did she lecture like how did it go?

00:21:26 Uh, I don't remember many hittings

00:21:29 Maybe once or twice. I don't I thought about this the other day. I do remember kind of just

00:21:33 something like four years old just

00:21:35 Pinching her arm for some reason. I was just curious. I don't know I was a kid

00:21:39 And she kind of pushed me forward and spanked me for that

00:21:41 um

00:21:44 Like bare hand on the on the butt, is that right? I think so. Yeah, and were your pants up or down?

00:21:49 Uh, I think okay got it and that you said that just happened once or twice

00:21:56 Yeah, yeah, I doubt god. I do remember my dad's um

00:22:02 Hitting me a couple of times as well one time on his on his lovely boat. They had

00:22:06 Um, I can't what is over. I do remember him having to go at me for like chewing food too loudly

00:22:11 Oh, yeah, my dad was not a fan of slurping your tea. Yeah. Yeah young molly. Yeah

00:22:18 Okay, and so but but obviously there were times when your parents disapproved of or disagreed with your actions more than once or twice

00:22:25 Um what happened?

00:22:30 Mainly just just yelling. I don't remember a lot of hits but um, maybe just a lot of

00:22:35 yelling at me

00:22:37 And what would be yelled like was it name calling? Was it just general frustration? Do you remember roughly?

00:22:42 And it may have changed over time. But what what was the yelling to do with what was it referencing?

00:22:48 I was just attracting quite this recently. I've struggled to remember what it's

00:22:55 What it was over even just things like no no, no, no, sorry not what it was over

00:22:59 That's not what I was asking. What I was asking is what's the content right? Is it uh, you never listen

00:23:04 Uh, i'm so frustrated you're dumb. Like I I don't know like what was the content? I'm not trying to prime you

00:23:09 I'm, just kind of curious what the content of the yelling was

00:23:11 uh from my best memory, uh, it was

00:23:14 Mainly things like you're not listening. I would say yeah

00:23:18 Okay, so from your best memory, I assume then the yelling what faded out pretty young

00:23:27 Yeah, yeah, okay, so when did they stop yelling how old were you roughly

00:23:34 In the early teens I think

00:23:40 Oh, so that's quite a bit of yelling, right?

00:23:43 I mean from being a toddler I assume to early teens. That's like 10 years, right?

00:23:48 Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't say it was frequent yelling i'm not trying to like

00:23:54 Side of them. I hope i'm not trying to no. No, I just want the facts. I'm not i'm not judging right?

00:23:59 I just I just want the facts

00:24:00 And how so how often you only hit once or twice how often was there where you yelled at?

00:24:06 By each each parent I assume that the electrician was not he didn't do much

00:24:12 He didn't get in the way between him and the tv or something

00:24:16 He didn't do too much yelling I do I do remember a couple of times in doing it and it was

00:24:22 Quite loud and so there was quite a big strong guy like six foot plus

00:24:25 you know quite strong in his in his youth and

00:24:28 um

00:24:31 Yeah, I just remember like banging my fork against the table or something and he kind of flipping a few things over and shouting and saying

00:24:37 Oh, why don't we just destroy everything there then?

00:24:39 Wait flipping it. So you're banging. How old were you here?

00:24:43 uh

00:24:46 Maybe 13 14

00:24:49 So you're banging your the heel of your fork on the table and what he pulls a full stanley kowalski and just flips

00:24:55 plates over and stuff

00:24:57 I think a plate. Yeah, like a place mat and yeah

00:25:00 Why don't we just destroy everything was that I mean I assumed that wasn't humorous bit of an escalation. No, no, it wasn't you could

00:25:07 Yeah, you're pretty angry

00:25:09 Okay, so he's a bit of a lunatic that way right

00:25:12 And what about your parents, uh

00:25:17 biological parents, how often would they

00:25:19 raise their voice at you from the

00:25:22 Babyhood or early toddlerhood to early teens?

00:25:25 I mean, I think

00:25:29 Memory most of my dad was that he didn't

00:25:33 There wasn't so much shouting. It was just sort of really stern kind of

00:25:37 quiet

00:25:39 quite close up to me kind of lectures

00:25:41 Um quite quite in my face sometimes

00:25:46 and how

00:25:47 God, man, how often?

00:25:49 I can only ask this so many times before i'm gonna lose my shit. Um, how often did this happen?

00:25:54 Sorry, you have a couple of times a month. Okay, and what about your mom?

00:25:58 Uh a little less but

00:26:01 Nearly just as frequent

00:26:04 Okay, so you really only got I mean I assume what would happen if they wanted to correct your behavior change your behavior

00:26:10 I mean usually if you're parenting you you want to adjust your kid's behavior more than a couple of times a month, right?

00:26:16 Yeah

00:26:17 So were there other?

00:26:19 Let me ask you a different way was there a plan

00:26:24 for you

00:26:26 and and instruction and parenting

00:26:28 that involved yelling or

00:26:31 Was the reality yelling reactive like they just get exasperated or frustrated and just kind of blow up in a way

00:26:38 Or was it part of a general plan of instruction that yes, not a great plan of instruction

00:26:43 But or was it more reactive like i've had it with you know, this kind of stuff, right?

00:26:46 It was reactive. I would say I don't remember a plan

00:26:50 and

00:26:53 Do you think that there was any plan with regards to parenting you or was it mostly reactive?

00:26:59 Reactive I would say okay

00:27:03 All right, and so what happened when you got into your

00:27:09 Mid-teens with regards to socializing and and dating, you know, the big test of parenting is kind of like the mid-teens

00:27:15 So what happened when you got into your mid-teens and there was this, uh, you know dating socializing challenge?

00:27:21 Uh, well dating there wasn't really much of that I had one girlfriend in upper school high school, um

00:27:31 for a few months

00:27:33 And aside from that I had a small friend group. I'm still in touch with a couple of them today

00:27:38 10 years later. Um

00:27:40 But there was there wasn't much of a social scene for me I I

00:27:45 I think I remember I just remember just wanting to

00:27:49 distance myself from that not entirely but just

00:27:52 Wanting sorry from that meaning the social scene or the dating?

00:27:56 Uh, yeah, well both both yeah

00:28:00 And why did you not want to date

00:28:06 Uh

00:28:08 Regretfully looking back it was it was a

00:28:11 Kind of well, if I don't do that, then I can't if I do that

00:28:14 Then I won't have as much time to hit the books and study and get good grades, etc

00:28:17 well, no, I get all of that, but aren't you full of

00:28:20 lust and teenage yearning and

00:28:23 Yeah, yeah, okay, so

00:28:27 Isn't that kind of what I mean, I know there's this whole

00:28:32 You know planet of pornography or whatever, right? But isn't there something?

00:28:36 that drives you to

00:28:39 Try and surmount the challenge of asking girls out and going on dates and stuff like that

00:28:43 Which has to do with you know, like pair bonding and lust and all that kind of stuff

00:28:47 you know, maybe the teenage years have changed quite a bit from when I was a teenager, I'm sure they have but

00:28:52 It isn't it a little tough to

00:28:55 Just ignore that or wasn't it

00:29:01 I don't know if it's tough. I just never I'd never found a drive to really

00:29:04 ask anyone out or

00:29:08 Express how I was feeling for someone even if I just saw a girl. I thought she was attractive just

00:29:11 Had very little. Sorry you you didn't have a drive

00:29:15 To ask a girl out

00:29:18 Yeah, that's that's kind of a memory of it yeah

00:29:21 And

00:29:24 Do you have any idea why I mean that's a fairly I mean it seems to be a fairly core part of

00:29:30 It's a big deal. Yeah teenage life. I mean that's kind of why all life exists, right? It's actually girls out

00:29:35 So, uh, help help me understand you you didn't have the drives

00:29:39 No, I I didn't I didn't have the

00:29:42 No, I didn't have the drive for it

00:29:45 And did you I mean I assume that you saw doctors and not not necessarily for that

00:29:50 But I assume you saw doctors got good health care and there was nothing

00:29:53 That was uh an issue with hormones or testosterone or did you ever get anything like that checked as a teenager?

00:30:00 I

00:30:01 Don't think i've ever been

00:30:03 the doctors for anything really I

00:30:05 Not my appendix when I was very little but um, no, I I

00:30:09 I didn't get much treatment in that way. Did you not have like annual check-ups or anything from the doctor?

00:30:14 No, I mean, you know, it's free, right?

00:30:18 Yeah, I I wasn't yeah, I was I wasn't conscious of that when I was when I was younger probably not no

00:30:25 It's not you. I mean, did you go to the doctor when you were a kid?

00:30:28 Or did your mom take you to the doctor? No, it was it was no never really. What do you mean? No

00:30:34 You got to take your kids to the doctor

00:30:37 Yeah, I didn't you got to get them weighed and and measured and you know

00:30:41 That isn't blood work make sure everything's fine like what I I mean, don't you have to

00:30:47 Take your kids to the doctor. Maybe that's a new thing

00:30:50 I don't know in all honesty that my initial reaction to saying that was that sounds a bit weird

00:30:54 But no, it's yeah, you should sounds a bit weird to take your kids on annual checkup when they're growing. I know. Yeah, it's

00:31:00 I think I think my brother had some growth pains in his knees at one point. Um,

00:31:05 I think that got looked into but apart from that I don't remember

00:31:08 I don't remember either of us really going for anything, but you went to the dentist though, right?

00:31:11 I went to the dentist. Yeah. Okay went to the dentist. So your mother knew that you needed regular checkups

00:31:16 She just never took you to a doctor to get yourself

00:31:18 Weighed and measured and have the doctor ask questions like how's dating going? You say well, I don't really have any desire for girls

00:31:24 And it's like well, maybe we should do some blood work. I don't know. I'm not a doctor

00:31:27 But I would imagine it would be something like that

00:31:29 That would have helped. Yeah

00:31:32 And again, it may be nothing to do with that. I'm just uh, isn't that kind of why you take your kids to the dog?

00:31:38 Anyway, okay. Uh

00:31:40 So what happened with the girl in high school upper school upper school? Yeah, what happened to the girl there?

00:31:48 Um, I think that relationship just kind of dried up there wasn't there wasn't much to it, um, I don't know it was

00:31:54 I'm really taking it too seriously in my mind since really it was just oh high school girlfriend. Whatever. Um

00:32:02 Yeah, it's I don't know we kind of got into sort of college level together and then

00:32:09 I guess I guess both struggled to

00:32:15 Interact with each other while we were studying

00:32:17 Good lord man, your language is so vague

00:32:22 I'm, like i'm lost in fog planet here. I don't know what you're talking about

00:32:26 It's okay. So you had the girl hang on you had the girl in high school

00:32:29 Are you saying that it went beyond high school to college?

00:32:31 Um just about yeah, it was like from the end of high school years to right to the start of college by the first month of college

00:32:39 Okay, so and and high school and you asked her out

00:32:43 Is that right or did you just kind of hang out together and vaguely coalesce?

00:32:46 uh

00:32:48 Yeah, mostly mostly hanging out together and then I kind of just asked her out over over a message online. Um

00:32:53 Yeah, and this was right at the end of high school

00:32:57 Yeah, last few months of high school. Yeah and had your

00:33:00 Mother or your father or your stepfather given you any dating advice?

00:33:06 Or thoughts or asked you how it was going with girls or anything like that?

00:33:11 No

00:33:13 No, I mean I I told them I was I was seeing someone and no no before before the end of high school

00:33:18 Sorry, I wasn't clear before they I mean once you've already asked the girl out. It's a little different, right?

00:33:22 but did they did they ever say, uh, are there any girls you like or

00:33:26 Is there anyone you want to ask out or how was the dance or?

00:33:29 You know, did you ask any girls to dance or you know, just the basic stuff that shows some damn interest in your child

00:33:37 I don't know. No, not really. Does that seem odd to you?

00:33:40 This was her

00:33:43 Does that seem odd to you? It does it does looking on it now. It really does. Okay

00:33:48 What did your parents and stepfather ask you about as a teenager? Did they ask you how things are going socially?

00:33:55 Do they ask you how things are going academically that they asked how things are going with regards to hell? I guess not girls anything

00:34:01 Uh academically, I mean my mom definitely pressed on that for sure. Um

00:34:07 But no, I don't really remember any

00:34:09 Real interaction with her in terms of social life dating

00:34:12 Anything like that? Okay. So would you were you parented at all?

00:34:17 I mean reactive blow-ups and intimidating yelling and your dad in your face though quieter, I guess

00:34:24 I mean, that's not parenting right? That's just reaction, right?

00:34:27 So were you were you parented in any way that I would really understand?

00:34:32 No, I guess not I I think I think I've clung to the notion that I should

00:34:36 Respect them just for well just for my mom and stepdad primarily just for providing money and

00:34:43 So they're always being food on the table that kind of thing i've always been thank you

00:34:48 You know that prisons do that, right? Yeah. Yeah

00:34:51 And the concentration camps not much food, but they'll give you food

00:34:56 Yeah, so the respect is for feeding and watering you like a damn house plant, right?

00:35:02 Yeah

00:35:04 Okay

00:35:06 So you're not worthy of interest from others and they're not at fault for failing to provide it

00:35:11 Yeah

00:35:18 If I understand the logic

00:35:22 Yeah

00:35:24 If I understand the logic, I mean tell me if i'm wrong, I mean but no that that lines up to me, yeah

00:35:30 Okay

00:35:33 And how do you feel about that looking back?

00:35:36 Yeah, looking back I I feel kind of just let down like i've just been sort of

00:35:44 Let go in life to sort of drift

00:35:48 Vague bits of talking here and there with them. But yeah, I just really kind of all right

00:35:53 So how much time did your parents a week?

00:35:56 spend on

00:35:58 distractions such as

00:36:00 television

00:36:02 Versus I don't know parenting you and your brother

00:36:05 Quite a lot. Yeah, um definitely grew up with games consoles and good internet access

00:36:14 Yeah

00:36:16 I'm gonna put in a request here just so I don't lose my freaking mind. Oh

00:36:23 So when I say how many hours and you say well quite a lot a little bit

00:36:28 I don't know what to make of that information

00:36:30 So we're wasting a lot of time here because I keep having to ask you everything two or three times

00:36:34 Okay, so how many hours a week roughly did your parents spend on say television

00:36:40 I mean, I guess more your mom and stepdad since your dad might have been in a tent

00:36:43 I don't know where the hell he was at this point

00:36:45 So how many hours a week would they spend on television versus parenting?

00:36:50 Just roughly

00:36:53 Roughly, uh

00:36:56 Like 30 I guess i'm not i'm not really sure what kind of

00:37:03 Number to give for that. I don't I don't know. Well, you have a gut sense, right?

00:37:07 I mean, obviously if they watch two hours of screens a day, that's 14 hours

00:37:10 A week, right if they watch three, right? That's 21. You get that right? Yeah

00:37:15 30 35 plus

00:37:21 Okay, so your mom had basically a full-time job which was glazing over two screens, right?

00:37:28 Yeah, yeah, all right and you're I guess your stepdad too, right

00:37:36 Yeah

00:37:38 All right. So how did you develop?

00:37:41 Any sense of what to do in life?

00:37:44 If you desperately didn't want to be like your parents

00:37:46 and

00:37:50 You didn't have any moral instruction

00:37:52 I mean we all have to make our decisions about what to do in life. And how did you do that?

00:37:58 without either empirical or intellectual or moral instruction

00:38:05 I think from an early sort of teenage year. I knew I wanted to do something with

00:38:08 History as a job that's kind of always been my main like academic focus. So my focus really just turned to

00:38:14 You know get good grades to get into uni and and eventually I did um

00:38:20 and I

00:38:23 Failed on that course

00:38:25 I'm, sorry, you did what?

00:38:27 uh failed at uni twice

00:38:29 You failed at uni and uh, what what happened?

00:38:32 Well, hang on. No, no before we get to that. So how did things fade out with the high school girl or the high school?

00:38:38 college girl

00:38:40 Um, we became

00:38:43 Probably gonna sound quite distant. Um quite um vague, but we became quite distant. Um conversations were happening a lot less

00:38:49 Uh less effort to meet up and go out

00:38:52 And I just remember saying to me like one day do you think this relationship's drying up and I just had to kind of admit

00:38:58 Yeah, it kind of is

00:39:00 Drying up. I think vagin I think vagina but and did you uh, did you have sex with her?

00:39:05 Is that she the no, okay. All right

00:39:08 and

00:39:11 Of course how if your parents don't take any interest in you how how can you perceive yourself as interesting

00:39:17 At least when you're young, right? Hmm. I I do. Yeah

00:39:22 The more I grew up I kind of realized that I saw myself as less and less of a

00:39:29 Interesting person I guess I never really wanted to

00:39:31 Bother people with my life, I guess

00:39:35 um, right

00:39:37 Yeah

00:39:39 okay, so

00:39:41 What happened in uni you said twice

00:39:43 Yeah, so the well the first time I tried uni, um admittedly I took

00:39:49 Some courses that were just way out of my depth. I took two language courses. Um ancient greek and latin that was

00:39:55 A bit much for me and there were some technical issues, um, which when I couldn't get to certain lectures on time

00:40:00 um, it kind of built up so I restarted in the second the second year, um,

00:40:04 the second year went pretty well, I

00:40:07 made good friends with the people I was um sharing accommodation with um, even went out a few times and

00:40:12 Honestly, it was it was looking pretty good. But um, I just I just flopped the exam

00:40:18 like I really really studied for them, I really tried it's just

00:40:22 I think I just really struggled condensing, you know, a year's worth of six courses into

00:40:26 hour and a half each of memory tests, it's just

00:40:29 That's that's always been quite difficult for me

00:40:32 I'm, sorry. I I you're muttering a little bit. I can't so you you've you failed the exams because you couldn't condense the information. Yeah. Yeah

00:40:40 And why do you think you couldn't condense the information? I mean your mother's a tea involved in the teaching profession, right?

00:40:47 Yeah, she is

00:40:49 So shouldn't she give you some sense of how to do this?

00:40:52 I

00:40:54 Mean it's almost like the kid of a doctor saying he has no idea about health

00:40:57 Yeah

00:41:02 I mean did

00:41:06 Did you have any conversations with your mother you're saying I'm having trouble condensing information. She's like, oh, um

00:41:11 I'm in the teaching environment. I can help you with that

00:41:15 I never had a conversation with her about that. No

00:41:20 I do remember kind of discouraging me from uni a little bit saying oh well

00:41:23 This won't open up many job opportunities for you. I mean, oh not uni so much as the history part, right?

00:41:27 Well history as well. Yeah, because she kind of knew like

00:41:31 That there's not many avenues available for that like you compared to maths for example, which my brother yeah, okay

00:41:38 All right, so

00:41:41 You failed the tests, right? I failed the tests. Yeah, did one on the course. Did you fail to the tests where you were?

00:41:49 I said a friend of mine said oh, yeah, I did so well at university. They gave me a whole year off

00:41:53 Were you disinvited from the university? Could you have continued?

00:41:57 Was it such a bad failure that you were not allowed back or how did that go?

00:42:01 I think I could have tried again. I just felt very

00:42:06 Demoralized trying to go down that path again. I mean one of the exams I got eight percent

00:42:11 Eight eight i'd be surprised if that was not their lowest

00:42:16 On that module and this as you said, it wasn't an issue of studying, right?

00:42:20 It wasn't a study issue. I mean, I I enjoy studying history. It's if I get some spare time

00:42:25 That's kind of all i'm doing my book trips full of full of history books

00:42:28 It's um, yeah, it's not a study eight percent. So what were the what were the comments on eight percent?

00:42:34 Uh

00:42:39 I don't think there were any comments. I just I got a sheet back saying, you know, these are your

00:42:43 These are your numbers essentially. This is what you passed out. This is what you failed at and

00:42:46 I don't think there was much else to it

00:42:49 and did you have any

00:42:51 Forward warning of the deficiency in

00:42:55 Condensing information in other words. I assume you'd had half terms or papers that you had to put in

00:43:02 I assume you didn't put in you know, three thousand paper three thousand page paper on the crimean war. I mean, did you have

00:43:09 Any feedback from professors about your ability to condense?

00:43:13 And you know, here's a book to read or here's some practice. Let did you go to the professors when they have their

00:43:18 office hours and so on I mean

00:43:20 It kind of been a total shock to you that you had no capacity to condense in the finals

00:43:26 I mean this would have shown up beforehand. Am I right? No. Yeah, it's it's an issue. I struggled with since high school. I

00:43:31 Admit me I kind of went into uni thinking knowing that exams were going to be a huge issue for me

00:43:37 and talking to it with lecturers

00:43:39 I don't know. I got this. Well, they kind of said to me that

00:43:44 Are they're almost wondering why was it you know apart from my love for i'm sorry

00:43:52 Sorry, you mutter it again why you were at you they wondered why you were at university

00:43:56 Yeah

00:43:59 And so you go to your professors for help and they say you don't belong here

00:44:06 Yeah

00:44:07 Yeah, so help me understand that I mean isn't their job to try and help you?

00:44:10 I mean you care about history. You're obviously an articular fellow. So

00:44:13 Isn't it kind of their job to help you succeed and and saying you don't belong here?

00:44:19 It's not exactly helping you succeed. That's kind of sabotage, right?

00:44:22 No. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I remember

00:44:24 doing not so good in one like mock paper I got and then kind of

00:44:28 One one teacher in particular kind of invited me to his office and

00:44:34 Kind of sat me down. I was like, why are you here exactly and I was like, you know, I love history. I've been

00:44:37 Studying it since I was little etc

00:44:39 And he kind of said well, that's not really enough for you to be here

00:44:42 Is it and I didn't get much help on the actual paper itself. It was

00:44:46 More of it. Okay, and with regards to condensation

00:44:51 Condensing condensation, I guess it's liquid with regard to content condensing things. Uh, did you

00:44:58 read books on

00:45:01 How to do it or what the professors might be looking for or what is the essence that you need to extract from?

00:45:06 The text in order to write something concise or like how did you try and work with this issue?

00:45:11 Which I assume had been identified since

00:45:13 Uh lower school or at least middle or upper school, right?

00:45:16 Um

00:45:28 I mean I I have an issue with uh memorization. I I really hate memorization

00:45:33 Yeah, you know when I took a course on roman history, I mean you had to memorize

00:45:37 The names and dates of the emperors

00:45:40 And I hated that because I think it's a terrible use of your brain

00:45:44 Because you can just look it up right the the important thing is the themes, right?

00:45:48 so I hate memorization, but of course you have to do it for a history degree and so

00:45:53 I

00:45:55 You know came up with all these mnemonic tricks and and all of this sort of stuff to try and figure out how to remember

00:46:00 stuff

00:46:00 And I felt no shame when I would do a brain dump at the exam and then just forget it all afterwards because that's not

00:46:06 What i'm interested in terms of history. It doesn't matter what the name of the emperor was

00:46:09 It matters what the themes of the fall of rome were

00:46:11 so

00:46:12 I have a particular issue with memorization. So I had to really work very hard to try and find ways to overcome that and

00:46:21 Um, that's not a comparison thing, but I guess with regards to the condensation thing

00:46:26 What steps did you try to take or read about or try to figure out to deal with the issue or did you just kind

00:46:33 Of cross your fingers and hope it would resolve on its own

00:46:35 I think I think honestly admittedly, I think it was a bit of a cross your fingers kind of scenario

00:46:43 I didn't I didn't really know who to turn to for it. I didn't know how to how to start improving on that

00:46:48 Um, okay, that's that come on man. Like that's not true. No, don't don't go rubber bones on me

00:46:53 Because if you're intelligent enough to want to be a historian and you're intelligent enough to listen to this show

00:46:58 Saying I have a problem with condensing things. I have no idea what to do

00:47:03 I mean you you I mean you have the internet I mean

00:47:09 Right, so you you type into the internet

00:47:12 Principles of condensing things how to condense things. What's a good example of condensing things?

00:47:17 What are people looking for when it comes to condensing like come on? I mean, please don't tell me

00:47:22 You can tie your own shoes. You can count to 10 and you can figure out how to look things up on the internet

00:47:28 Yeah, that's

00:47:33 Yeah, that's a that's a bit of a cut punch for me. That's yeah, that's a pretty simple solution. I did not

00:47:38 Well, okay, so help me understand. I mean you're an intelligent fellow

00:47:42 So i'm not faulting your intelligence and I'm not trying to make you feel bad

00:47:45 But if if you can't figure out

00:47:49 Or it never even crosses your mind to look something up to solve a problem. Maybe that's what they're talking about

00:47:56 When they're saying i'm not sure what you're doing here at university

00:48:00 Because if you can't figure out a deficiency and figure out how to solve it

00:48:06 I mean, did you sit down with the ta's and say hey, man, i'm having big problems with condensation. We're condensing things

00:48:11 What book should I read or what approach should I take or you know, this is my big stumbling block?

00:48:15 You could have done all of that, right

00:48:20 Yeah, I I certainly could have yeah

00:48:22 And again, i'm curious as to why you didn't because you're easily intelligent enough to do that. So it's not a matter of intelligence

00:48:29 And this is the whole point of self-curiosity, right?

00:48:34 So self-curiosity is refusing to condemn

00:48:36 But instead being curious, right

00:48:40 Yeah

00:48:42 So why didn't you take any steps to solve a problem?

00:48:45 You'd known you'd had for years and years and years when you have the entire internet available

00:48:50 to help you

00:48:53 I think

00:49:02 I think towards the end of uni. I felt like I

00:49:04 kind of went to university because it's

00:49:06 what I felt like I should do I I didn't feel like I

00:49:09 Belong there in a sense and I think maybe I just

00:49:12 Okay, so you you wanted to leave?

00:49:15 Maybe unconsciously or maybe not even that unconsciously. You didn't want to be there

00:49:19 Does it make sense? Yeah, I think there was a

00:49:24 Yeah, like the back. I mean, I hate memorization. I wanted to be in university. I hate memorization

00:49:30 I need to memorize things to get to university. So I read a whole bunch of books and articles on how to memorize things. Yeah

00:49:36 And again, this is not a better or worse than obviously i'm not trying to say well look what I did and you didn't but

00:49:42 I'm just a genuine curiosity. Did you want to be there?

00:49:44 No, because you were you weren't taking the steps necessary to stay there which are obvious steps, right and again

00:49:52 Easily smart enough to know this stuff, right?

00:49:55 yeah, I don't think I wanted to be there I felt like I should and I felt like it was something I'd aimed at for

00:50:01 years like

00:50:02 It's what I'd spent my school days doing and getting good grades for this

00:50:05 It's kind of what I felt like I should do but yeah, I think in the back of the mind

00:50:08 I didn't really want to be there

00:50:10 And why didn't you want to be there if you love history and you love studying history?

00:50:14 It does give you a chance to do that

00:50:16 and so

00:50:18 And again, i'm sure there's good reasons. So it's not disagreeing with you. But why didn't you want to be there?

00:50:23 Um

00:50:25 Um

00:50:29 Again just out of curiosity not a judgment. Yeah

00:50:38 I'm curious as well. Like looking back. It's it's

00:50:45 What you would do if you want to go down the line of a book I wanted to it's

00:50:50 Well, no, no, no, no, not necessarily. No. No, hang on. Hang on not necessarily

00:50:55 You love history, right? You study a lot of history. You've been doing it since you were a kid, right? Yeah

00:51:00 Okay

00:51:03 What have you done with that knowledge? In other words, what is the knowledge for?

00:51:07 I mean I studied philosophy obviously to make my life better, but I was also desperate to

00:51:13 Use it to help the world right hence these kinds of conversations, right? So

00:51:18 You have this knowledge of history

00:51:20 What is it for in other words? Is it for you?

00:51:24 Or is it to help the world now obviously it has to be to you to some degree because you've got to accumulate it right

00:51:31 Yes, but what have you done?

00:51:34 in the

00:51:36 15 plus years that you've been studying history. What have you done with that knowledge?

00:51:40 And there's tons of things to do with it, right? You could write a sub stack you could do a podcast

00:51:46 You could make videos you could do just about anything

00:51:48 To share your knowledge of and love of history and help the world

00:51:53 Learn important things, right? Yeah, I do have a like a blog series online where I take my history books

00:52:00 read through them and make like

00:52:03 History articles online basically to for people to read. Um, oh fantastic. Okay, good good. And how's that doing?

00:52:08 um

00:52:11 It's doing okay. I'm

00:52:13 to be honest, I I do procrastinate a lot in life and

00:52:16 There'd be long periods where there would just be like no content coming out. Um, and then some bursts of energy

00:52:23 What's the longest period that you haven't produced content?

00:52:26 Uh, I think three months, okay, that's not too too bad. And how many articles have you produced for your blog?

00:52:39 Uh, i'm trying to work out I think about 80 or something like that

00:52:43 Okay, good. And if you want to mention the name of your blog

00:52:46 I'm perfectly happy if you want to do that if you want to not do that, that's fine with me, too

00:52:50 Yeah, it's uh, it's on a website called um published zero x publisher x um

00:52:56 Where people can like leave tips if they like it if they like content

00:53:00 So i've made I mean a little bit of money i'm not living off of it for sure

00:53:04 um, but yeah, there's been a little

00:53:07 Um, yeah, there's been good feedback on it as well. Like people seem to really enjoy it one or two minor criticisms

00:53:12 Like maybe the articles themselves are too long

00:53:14 Um, but aside from that, yeah, really good feedback on them

00:53:18 Well, as you know from my example, the sole purpose of being online is to never be criticized at all

00:53:22 That's the that's the key just avoid criticisms at all costs. That's absolutely. Yeah, I do I do find it weird

00:53:28 Admittedly, the audience is huge a couple of them have a couple of thousand views on them

00:53:31 Um, which I think for a pretty niche website, that's good. That's good. No, that's that's good

00:53:35 And how long have you been working on the blog?

00:53:38 Uh three plus years maybe four years

00:53:40 Okay, so 80 articles in four years

00:53:45 Yeah

00:53:46 20

00:53:48 Got it, okay, okay, so two two a month

00:53:54 On average, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah looking back that's not that's not too bad. I've kind of

00:54:00 It's not too bad. You got a full-time job, right? So two articles a month is not not too bad. All right. Yeah

00:54:07 Yeah, I've really okay

00:54:09 That's okay, that's not too bad

00:54:11 Yeah, that's not too bad at all. Not too bad at all. Good for you. Good for you. Like seriously

00:54:15 All right

00:54:16 So you left uni was that after your first semester or the first full full?

00:54:21 academic year

00:54:24 Uh, so the first time I tried uni I left

00:54:26 Uh just after the first semester and then the second time I did a full year failed exams

00:54:31 Right, okay

00:54:35 And then I actually tried um open university. I was still keen to try the university route. So I tried the open university maybe

00:54:41 Just to do like less less courses, etc

00:54:44 I thought maybe if I just reduce the amount that I need to do maybe that would

00:54:47 ease the workload make it be easier and

00:54:50 From what I remember I just wasn't in the headspace for it and I I pulled out from that as well

00:54:56 So I wasn't in the headspace for it

00:54:58 It's more of this vague language that I don't know what it means. Oh, yeah

00:55:01 I felt I felt really demoralized by um, just like failing uni twice essentially and

00:55:05 Wondering if I should even be there, but for some reason I felt really keen to stick at it in some form. Um,

00:55:11 Eventually, I just had to admit to myself like I I don't really want to do this

00:55:16 Right now. I mean, would you like a little mental tip on how to

00:55:20 Escape this feeling of failure

00:55:23 Yeah, yeah

00:55:26 Yeah, you have succeeded at failing

00:55:30 And this is more than just sort of a silly mental trick

00:55:34 You have success you you took actions that without a doubt were going to cause you to leave university, right

00:55:43 Yeah, like I knew I was gonna do bad exams

00:55:48 Yeah, so you didn't for many for many years you didn't take

00:55:54 The training and instruction that you needed to take in order to deal with the problem of condensing things, right? Yeah

00:56:00 So you took steps?

00:56:03 To ensure that you would not succeed at university

00:56:06 Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense. Yeah, so you succeeded at your goal of failing university

00:56:14 Now why you wanted to succeed at your goal of failing university, you know, it's kind of like, you know, i'm sure you've heard these stories of

00:56:23 the women who

00:56:25 they want to break up with a guy but

00:56:27 They don't want to do it directly or say it directly for whatever reason

00:56:30 and so what happens is

00:56:33 They end up acting in such a way that the guy breaks up with them if you sort of heard of these

00:56:38 Kind of situations. Yeah, right. So that's uh,

00:56:43 Succeeding at failing at the relationship. Yeah

00:56:48 So you succeeded?

00:56:51 I mean I succeeded at being deplatformed

00:56:53 Right. Yeah, and so I can look at it. Oh, it's a big failure. It's like no. No, I succeeded at being deplatformed

00:57:00 Because obviously I was taking

00:57:04 Stances and and making arguments and interviewing the experts. Yeah where that was a high likelihood, right? Yeah

00:57:10 Almost a certainty right? Well now it is

00:57:13 Yeah. Yeah, so I didn't fail

00:57:16 I succeeded

00:57:19 And

00:57:21 This is more than a mental trick because that's the curiosity right so you say well

00:57:25 I really wanted to go to university. I failed out of it. Oh, that's so terrible. I'm so bad

00:57:28 I'm a failure and blah blah blah, right? Well, that's a whole mindset. That's a problem, right?

00:57:32 It is. Yeah. Yeah, right, but if you have say, okay

00:57:35 Well, clearly I didn't want to be at university. So I took all the necessary steps to leave

00:57:40 So I should probably should try and figure out why I wanted out of university

00:57:47 Because I sure succeeded at that goal, right?

00:57:49 Yeah, do you see what i'm saying? Yeah, I understand

00:57:54 I feel like we're not having any emotional connection at all

00:57:59 I was worrying the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like i'm sitting here like i'm i'm dropping pretty pretty big bombs on your

00:58:07 Self criticism here right then trying to when you're like, oh, yeah interesting. Yeah. No, I got it

00:58:14 If if what i'm talking about is not interesting or relevant I don't mean that in a passive aggressive way like in general

00:58:18 If this is something obvious that you've I just said that because you seem to think that you failed in university

00:58:23 And I think you succeeded

00:58:25 In getting out of university. The question is why but you definitely succeeded in in the goal, right?

00:58:29 Yeah

00:58:32 So if that's not interesting, uh, we can work on on other topics or or we can talk about something else because

00:58:42 What i'm getting back is that what i'm saying is not interesting or deep or relevant to you

00:58:47 And I don't mean that in any negative way. I'm just giving you the feedback because you know, it's like yeah interesting. Yeah. Yeah

00:58:52 It's it's interesting. It is very interesting. It's I I guess like

00:58:57 I have struggled with emotional expression for

00:59:01 quite a long time

00:59:04 I don't know what that means. He struggled with emotional expression. I mean, do you feel the emotions?

00:59:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel emotions it's just I I've never known how or when to

00:59:17 Manifest them to other people. Um, what do you mean manifest them? You're not summoning a ghost. It's not a ouija board

00:59:25 I mean if I say something that's interesting and liberating for you and you feel wow, that's really helpful. What can you say?

00:59:31 I can say well, it's very very helpful. Thank you. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. I don't know. Okay, isn't it just lying?

00:59:38 Sorry, am I am I I mean, this isn't I don't know struggling with emotional. It's just tell the truth

00:59:43 If i'm saying something that's important and relevant and helpful and interesting and positive for you you can say what?

00:59:48 I can say that that's what it was and i'm grateful. Yeah, so i'm just isn't it just not lying?

00:59:54 Okay, i'm pretending something isn't interesting when it is

00:59:59 Yeah

01:00:03 No, you're right. Yeah, it is it is so I don't know

01:00:05 That's a lot of words for i'm just falsifying my existence and pretending to not feel things that I feel and not expressing

01:00:11 What's on my mind?

01:00:13 struggling with emotional expression

01:00:15 Make it sound like i'm asking you to pass out ancient kanji

01:00:18 No, no, you're back in the foreign languages ancient greek and ancient roman no latin, right

01:00:25 Uh both at one point. Yeah, both. Yes, you say both, right? Yeah

01:00:30 So as struggling I can understand struggling to learn ancient greek

01:00:35 But telling the truth about what you think and feel

01:00:38 I understand that maybe there's some emotional risk in it or openness or vulnerability or whatever

01:00:43 but I don't know if you if you

01:00:45 If you know the truth

01:00:48 And you decide not to speak the truth

01:00:50 You're not struggling with emotional self-expression. You're just choosing to falsify something and again, I don't mean this in any big judgy way

01:00:57 Yeah, but if something is meaningful to you and you pretend it's not you're just lying, right?

01:01:01 Fine. Yeah, just being dishonest. Yeah. Yeah, and again, i'm not it's not a big moral judgment

01:01:05 I'm, just like isn't that the more accurate thing than whatever the struggling with emotional self whatever that means, right?

01:01:10 Yeah, that's why I asked do you feel right because if you said well steph you've told me how to think about my leaving university

01:01:18 In a way that liberates me from feelings of failure. That's really helpful

01:01:22 yes, right if

01:01:25 If you don't even feel that like if you feel completely indifferent to what i'm saying, that's one thing right

01:01:30 Because then the problem would be much worse

01:01:34 If that makes sense my responses I can hear myself just going yeah

01:01:39 Right, so if you didn't even have the thoughts or feelings that it was positive to be released from a sense of guilt, right

01:01:47 Yes

01:01:49 If or failure, right? So if you didn't even have an emotional response to that

01:01:54 That would be a very big problem, right the fact that you have an emotional response, but are falsifying it

01:01:59 That's it that's a much better problem to have

01:02:03 It is yeah, i'm glad this has been brought up actually this is

01:02:08 Yeah, I think this is something i've shoved to the back of my my mind for a while now

01:02:13 Just the fact that I just I just I don't

01:02:15 Respond truthfully a lot to even just basic interactions. I'm not

01:02:21 Very honest with people a lot of the time

01:02:24 Yeah

01:02:26 You have a tough time saying you lie, right

01:02:28 I have a very honest super a lot of right. I mean i've had no emotional connection. You've been talking for like

01:02:34 Almost an hour, right? Yeah. Yeah

01:02:37 And again, i'm not i'm not calling you some big like bad liar

01:02:40 I'm, just saying that these are lies right now then and then the question is and you know

01:02:45 Don't judge yourself because judgment is the opposite of understanding right? We can judge after we understand but we don't understand yet

01:02:50 So then the question is

01:02:52 Why do you withhold yourself from the world?

01:02:55 So much, why do you withhold yourself from conversation?

01:02:58 so much

01:03:00 Because you know what it costs you right? You can't have a girlfriend if you're emotionally unavailable because why the hell would she choose a blank

01:03:06 wall

01:03:07 Yes

01:03:08 Right

01:03:09 And of course if you withhold

01:03:11 The authenticity of your passions and emotions from the world you end up withholding them from yourself and then you end up

01:03:16 Lost in space like you are right?

01:03:22 Yeah, there's a there's there's a big fear of embarrassment and rejection

01:03:25 Yeah

01:03:28 Well, that's true. That's true for everyone. Okay, so that's that's not special to you everybody who's authentic fears being rejected I get that

01:03:35 No, no, no, it's darker than that. It's darker than that. Oh, yes

01:03:39 Yes, you can't out british me my friend. Um, so

01:03:44 Why would you withhold

01:03:51 Yourself from connection with others

01:03:54 Like why wouldn't you say damn that really hits home man, what a what a thought that's I can feel like a weight lift

01:04:04 From my shoulders. I you know, I can see a way forward out of this shame of failing university twice and getting eight percent, right?

01:04:10 Why wouldn't you share that?

01:04:14 With me and it's not personal to me because it's the principle of action as a whole

01:04:18 so why

01:04:21 Would you withhold yourself?

01:04:23 from others

01:04:25 I'm really struggling with that one. Um

01:04:39 I think every time I've thought about this it's just sort of hit the dead end of fear of embarrassment or failure or something like

01:04:49 That i've never really

01:04:50 No, that's all girly crap. We're talking men here. We're two men talking to each other. That's all girly sensitive. I'm so sensitive

01:04:56 No, no, no, it's not that. Yeah

01:04:58 Although I can tell you why if you like

01:05:04 And sorry you had a thought and I don't want to interrupt your thought. Yeah

01:05:08 well, like those girly kind of thought I have often like

01:05:11 look to myself and thought gonna feel so like effeminate just having all these worries about emotions and

01:05:17 Yeah, no and and this is that's why the first you remember the first question I asked you

01:05:20 The very first question yeah, did you grow up with a father?

01:05:24 Yeah, i've made that connection before like fatherlessness and not even connected with my stepdad, right? Yeah

01:05:32 So

01:05:36 There's

01:05:39 An emotion

01:05:42 That is hardest for the sons of single mothers

01:05:46 And I know your mother had a stepdad but that actually made it worse because you weren't connected with him either, right?

01:05:51 Yeah, yeah, she got you a stepdad but you weren't connected right

01:05:56 Yeah, I often just like wish that they just never met and I just had a single mom sometimes

01:06:01 Right

01:06:05 so

01:06:06 the reason

01:06:08 That you withhold yourself

01:06:10 Is anger?

01:06:13 And that's the see if you're raised by a single mom, she's going to allow you to feel all kinds of delicate and sensitive and

01:06:19 and

01:06:21 Tremulous and fearful and all of that stuff, right?

01:06:23 But the one emotion that you're not allowed to feel is deep anger

01:06:28 Yeah anger anger gets

01:06:36 Put down like has been quite put down over the years, right?

01:06:39 so

01:06:43 You

01:06:45 It's like if you sorry go ahead

01:06:47 yeah, it's like it's like it loses your sense of passion like if you're not allowed to express your anger like anger's useful like

01:06:52 Essential it's yeah, it's very essential success and anger, uh for men often go hand in hand

01:06:58 I don't mean rage or you know violence, right?

01:07:00 Anger, right? It can go. I mean i'm i've got some anger at the world

01:07:04 And it's irrationalities and failing to protect and support me as a child and all the abuse and like and the debt and yeah

01:07:10 I've got some I got some anger at the world and that has something to do with fueling what I do

01:07:15 Yeah, yeah, and obviously if any emotion can go too far that can be too much with

01:07:19 goofy idiot if you're too happy all the time, but yeah, yeah anger

01:07:22 Okay, so if anger is helpful at looking at why you withhold yourself from others and if that's a new insight to you

01:07:29 Then you know trace it through for me brother. How does anger?

01:07:32 Result in you withholding yourself from others?

01:07:35 You

01:07:37 Um

01:08:04 I'm, not sure. The only thing I can think of is that

01:08:06 i've come across a lot of people in my life that

01:08:09 I I disagree with in conversation and I don't I don't want to bring up that I do disagree with them. Um

01:08:15 In case that does that does lead to anger. That's that's that's all I can really think of. Um

01:08:21 Okay, let's let's go we we like history right so let's go let's go there now

01:08:30 Is the master allowed to get angry at the slave

01:08:33 Yes

01:08:35 Is the slave allowed to get angry at the master? Of course not right, but the slave is angry at the master, right?

01:08:40 Constantly. So what does the slave do? Keep quiet

01:08:43 I'm, sorry, keep quiet

01:08:46 no, no, but

01:08:48 What does he do with his anger?

01:08:50 Uh, he might channel it to a wall in private or take it out on

01:08:54 His work or something. Um

01:08:57 Yeah, it's passive aggression, right redirects it. Yeah. Yeah, it's passive aggression

01:09:01 so he might forget things I mean with the danger of being beaten and all of that, but he's going to

01:09:07 He's going to withhold his enthusiasm from the master yeah, does that make sense that makes yeah

01:09:15 So you withhold your enthusiasm from me and from others

01:09:20 Yeah

01:09:26 So

01:09:28 I suppose that's been happening so long though. I don't I don't feel infused over

01:09:36 A lot of things like even my history work. I just I feel that kind of draining recently like my passion for that

01:09:43 You were a tough subject my friend, you know, why

01:09:51 Thought it'd been quite vague. Um

01:09:53 Well, what did I say about honesty before did I give you some insight here that explains a good chunk of your life?

01:09:59 Yeah that you withhold yourself from others because you're angry

01:10:05 And to be enthusiastic is to pretend that you're not

01:10:10 Yeah, so I give you that insight after saying you should share when you're happy or get something positive and what happens

01:10:20 I

01:10:22 Like within five minutes of me talking about this

01:10:25 I don't share those emotions, right?

01:10:31 now when I said

01:10:34 The slave can't show enthusiasm and this is why you can't be positive with others or reveal yourself or be enthusiastic with others

01:10:39 Do you think there's some truth in that?

01:10:43 It's if there's not that's fine. We can look elsewhere. But do you think there's some truth in that?

01:10:48 Uh, i'm not sure to what degree but yeah, I think there's some truth in that

01:10:50 All right, and is that a useful?

01:10:55 Approach to looking at emotional disconnect from others

01:11:01 Yeah, I think so yeah, it's

01:11:07 I wasn't sure what the end of that sentence was but it sounded like there was more to the sentence

01:11:17 It'll be in progress. Um, yeah, I think it's a good avenue

01:11:20 I'm sorry. I I don't know what you're saying. Yes, basically

01:11:26 But

01:11:31 Do you feel any connection with what i'm saying and it's fine if you don't right again?

01:11:35 I'm, not trying to manufacture emotion within you

01:11:37 But do you feel any connection because I can talk about it more if it would help

01:11:46 I've just realized that I agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying 100. I'm just i'm not

01:11:51 I'm not feeling it. I'm not putting a you to blame for that. I just i'm just not feeling anything

01:11:56 Right. Yeah, okay

01:11:59 So we'll talk a little bit more about the passive aggression of withholding yourself from others

01:12:06 Okay

01:12:11 Do you love your mother

01:12:15 You

01:12:17 That's a long pause, um

01:12:22 I've never really felt. Uh, no. No, i've never really felt a great connection with her

01:12:32 Do you resent your mother for not parenting you and instead spending 35 hours a week staring at the television

01:12:45 I do. Yeah, I I have expressed this to her

01:12:47 Like i've said like she she has a go at me for doing the same thing

01:12:50 Like i'll go up to my room on my computer, but i'll say well that's what you do as well

01:12:54 And she seems to shrug it off

01:12:56 I'm not talking about the bickering that can happen as an adult

01:13:02 I'm talking about your experience of feeling unloved and unwanted as a child. Yeah, sorry

01:13:07 I didn't mean to focus on that. But um, yeah. No. Yeah, I thought I do feel resentful. Yeah. Okay

01:13:13 Do you feel resentful at your parents?

01:13:15 For probably both of them lying about the divorce

01:13:19 Yeah, this is

01:13:23 That's been quite a call

01:13:25 Do you feel resentful at your father for choosing conspiracy theories over you in the same way that your mother chose chose the television over you?

01:13:31 God, yeah. Yeah

01:13:34 I really do. All right

01:13:37 And have you expressed?

01:13:40 Direct anger towards them for these actions

01:13:43 Yes, and I really feel like I should have done that more so

01:13:52 So tell me how those conversations went if you wouldn't mind

01:13:56 Well with my dad, I mean when I sort of distanced myself from him and stopped

01:14:03 Making contact with him. It was over a conversation like that. Like I was I was

01:14:09 Sick of the false promises he made and

01:14:11 um

01:14:13 how he treat other people in the family, I was just sick of it all like

01:14:16 you know, he always said he tried his best and put us first, but he obviously didn't and I expressed my

01:14:21 a huge dissatisfaction with that like

01:14:24 So, um, sorry if you mentioned this how long ago was this conversation and the detachment from your father?

01:14:30 Uh about a year ago now

01:14:32 Okay

01:14:34 And

01:14:35 When you decided to detach from your father

01:14:38 Did you inform him of this decision or did you just kind of fade out and there's not a right or wrong answer to this

01:14:46 Of course, i'm just curious

01:14:48 No, I I let him know I was I was pretty clear about that. Um, what did you say?

01:14:52 well, I

01:14:53 for a series of long messages

01:14:55 um

01:14:57 Kind of just said, you know, I

01:14:59 Did everything in my life without you like you were not you were not there

01:15:04 for any of the important bits

01:15:06 you were just sort of

01:15:08 On the phone or i'd see you once a month or whatever, you know, yeah, I I got through life without you like I learned to

01:15:12 Ride a bike without you. I got through school without you. I've got jobs about you. I can drive. I didn't need you for that and

01:15:18 At the time I had a girlfriend, you know, I got her without you so I I can do the rest of my life without you and

01:15:24 Yeah

01:15:27 And how did he respond

01:15:33 Uh first there was one message he sent me which was um to brute he was basically calling me a traitor

01:15:39 For sort of distancing myself from him

01:15:42 Sorry, it sounds almost like you're smiling

01:15:46 You heard the smile yeah, I really did

01:15:51 What's the smile about I don't know

01:15:55 Yes, you do. Come on. Don't trust you've heard enough of these calls to know that I don't know it ever works

01:16:00 And never does it never will

01:16:03 What's the smile

01:16:05 I mean that is about as ugly and ugly a thing as i've ever heard from a parent to a child

01:16:22 It's about as vicious a thing as i've ever heard and i've heard some pretty vicious stuff

01:16:31 Yeah

01:16:33 How goddamn selfish do you have to be that when your child says

01:16:40 You didn't parent me you play the victim god damn that's foul

01:16:48 I stopped. Yeah, that's foul

01:16:53 You're stabbing me in the back

01:17:00 No, i'm

01:17:01 You i'm literally pointing out the factual deficiencies in your parenting traitor. It's about me

01:17:07 Didn't address anything didn't rebut anything didn't say i'm sorry you're hurt but played the fucking victim

01:17:13 In other words for him you asserting yourself and your needs is the equivalent of being murdered in the senate

01:17:24 For you to exist for you to have preferences

01:17:30 That exist independently of him or maybe even against his own immediate fucking self-interest for you to have preferences

01:17:37 Is for him to die

01:17:40 And this clusterfuck spent decades studying what corruption

01:17:50 Oh, there's this big conspiracy out there it's doing harm to the innocents

01:18:00 And yeah here I am and here you are yeah, he's got power over you

01:18:04 And he's studied all these power structures and how unjust and immoral they are

01:18:09 He gave up his children

01:18:13 In part to study these power structures and how bad the bilderberger group is and then his father his child

01:18:19 comes to him

01:18:22 Vulnerably and honestly talking about deficiencies

01:18:24 and he says

01:18:27 You're killing me

01:18:29 You are betraying me you are the violent one you are the murderer I am the victim that is contemptible

01:18:38 Almost beyond my capacity to describe

01:18:43 And that's why I couldn't quite follow the laughter or the smile

01:18:50 I still can't follow it either. I'm really trying to um

01:18:56 I

01:18:58 Don't know

01:19:03 So

01:19:10 If you were to show

01:19:12 Enthusiasm. Okay. Well, let me ask you this

01:19:14 When was the last time your mother proposed something and you responded with hand-clapping enthusiasm and this is not a criticism at all

01:19:20 I'm, not saying what you should or shouldn't do

01:19:22 I'm, just curious

01:19:25 You

01:19:27 Wow, um

01:19:35 I really don't know well

01:19:41 Her breaking up with her ex-boyfriend's that's honestly no, no, I mean that's that's

01:19:46 No, I mean something that's not the end of something terrible for you

01:19:50 But in terms of something she proposes that you want to do that. You're enthusiastic to do

01:19:54 Yeah, that's first thing comes to mind. Um

01:19:57 Do you remember this as a child

01:20:02 I mean we had holidays abroad every year. Um, so she said we go to spain or cyprus

01:20:09 Um, you know, but that was enthusiasm for spain or cyprus not your mother, right? That's very true. Yeah

01:20:14 So

01:20:19 Did I specifically look forward to any moment with her rather than

01:20:22 Or she would propose let's go for lunch and you're like, oh fantastic great where?

01:20:27 Or to the zoo or you know, maybe the zoo but because of her

01:20:34 I really don't remember. No. All right. What about your father before?

01:20:42 This terrible betrayal of him to you that he wouldn't even fight for you that he wouldn't even like tell me more

01:20:49 I couldn't imagine a life without you. Um, i'll listen to anything you have to say in order to maintain this connection

01:20:54 Do you know how horrible it is that he didn't even fight for you at all?

01:20:58 Yeah, he yeah, he gave it pretty quick. We didn't try at all. In fact, he drove you away

01:21:04 Didn't he

01:21:08 By saying that you are murdering him by having an opinion that differs from him that's about as narcissistic

01:21:16 A mindset as I can conceive of again. I'm not a psychologist, but that that's about as narcissistic a mindset as I can conceive of

01:21:23 That if you have a different opinion from mine

01:21:26 And he probably also got quite frustrated over the course of his life that nobody would listen to him about his conspiracy theories, right?

01:21:32 People they just won't listen. It's so terrible. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no one listens to him. Yeah, it's so terrible

01:21:38 Nobody listens to him. Oh my it's so terrible. If only people would listen to him. Oh, your son has some criticisms

01:21:43 Well, fuck him. He's a killer. He's a murderer

01:21:45 Yeah

01:21:46 Oh my brother my you know, all the brother wouldn't go and see him. Oh, i'll ostracize from him

01:21:50 He actually sent a graduation picture from uni to him and my dad just sent it straight back

01:21:54 Yeah

01:21:58 He's even mad that his own mom doesn't listen to him this is a elderly mother in her

01:22:07 Well gran in her late 80s widowed. She's gone blind in both eyes, and he's mad that she's not

01:22:14 listening to him like he comes up with recommendations for like

01:22:16 If you want to enjoy these last years maybe stick on a few podcasts and listen to something interesting and

01:22:22 I mean she's in

01:22:25 Just no headspace to even think like that I guess and he's mad that she's not listening to him, right

01:22:31 right

01:22:33 and

01:22:34 He's been your father for over a quarter century. You tell him you have issues. He shits all over you and ghosts you right?

01:22:42 Yeah

01:22:44 So there's no bond at all no I never was

01:22:48 I think that last bit's the bit i've struggled to come to terms with just that there never was

01:22:57 Well, how could there have been?

01:23:00 It's his job to have and maintain the bond. He's the parent right? Yeah, it's his job to have and maintain the bond, right?

01:23:10 Not yours you're the kid

01:23:13 Yeah, like he chose to have it's yeah, of course

01:23:18 Now enthusiasm

01:23:26 Is

01:23:30 In your situation with your parents the reason you can't be enthusiastic is enthusiasm with regards to your parents

01:23:36 Would be forgiveness

01:23:40 You

01:23:42 Because you're still angry with your parents and they've not earned your forgiveness

01:23:45 enthusiasm

01:23:48 Would be a betrayal of your pain and anger and I don't just mean enthusiasm with regards to them. I mean enthusiasm

01:23:56 With regards to anything

01:24:04 Listen I mean i'll tell you something straight up man, and this is my personal experience your mileage may vary so to speak, right?

01:24:11 So when I began to do well

01:24:15 in my life

01:24:18 When I did well in university when I did well

01:24:22 in my business career when I

01:24:25 Had a you know decent stable relationship for years

01:24:30 in my 20s

01:24:34 and

01:24:35 If I ever complained about my mother, what would people say?

01:24:39 Uh, they wouldn't believe you they think you're every country

01:24:49 Well, they say well she must have done something right and the voice just look at you

01:24:55 You drive a nice car you have a nice place

01:25:02 You're a chief technical officer at a software company. You co-founded you're in a stable relationship. She must have done something, right?

01:25:09 Yeah, it's like the parent gets automatic credit for everything you've done

01:25:13 Right, and so I look like a whiner and a complainer and ungrateful don't you know?

01:25:20 Oh, you can't complain too much about your mother look at where you are in life

01:25:28 You got a degree you've written books you've built multi-million dollar software you you know

01:25:35 I mean, she must have done something right? Yeah, she's lived 15 years. So yeah

01:25:42 So do you understand

01:25:47 That success

01:25:55 And enthusiasm is perceived by many people as a vindication of your parents

01:26:02 Yeah, and you can't succeed because that would be to vindicate your parents and you're angry

01:26:23 And you have every right to be angry, of course you do

01:26:25 You were horribly neglected and mistreated as a child in my opinion

01:26:30 That's why I asked were you raised with this? Did you have any standards? Did you have any examples?

01:26:34 No, you had a bunch of vegetative yelling reactive hysterical occasionally violent screeching

01:26:41 TV addicted waitstrolls and losers who refused to invest in you as their child at all

01:26:51 Couldn't remember one decent lesson from either of your parents

01:26:53 Couldn't remember any enthusiasm for your parents plans was I smiling because i'm glad that

01:27:04 I'm hearing that for the first time from someone like someone's actually standing up for me

01:27:08 Well, there's that but also it's a darker thing too

01:27:12 That your father makes you smile

01:27:14 In order to take me off the course

01:27:19 To invite me like, you know, all of the assholes who try to program humanity always do it with a big smile on their face

01:27:24 Yeah, you know all smiling and nodding and encouraging and it's like don't fucking hypnotize me you car snakes

01:27:31 Right. So no, it's trying to invite me into good humor about a catastrophe. So I stay off the scent of immorality

01:27:37 Right, yeah, your mother works in the educational field

01:27:44 And didn't help you at all with your educational difficulties

01:27:49 Do you know all of the people your mother had access to to help you?

01:27:54 One phone call 10 experts like that. She probably wouldn't have had to pay a penny

01:28:01 I do remember telling her a few months ago like it's it seems odd to me that you can help like thousands of children across

01:28:09 the county but

01:28:11 I'm i'm right here like, okay

01:28:17 Why does that seem odd to you

01:28:20 Because it would be I just thought easier to help me if anything for a start

01:28:33 But just like it almost always seemed like she was

01:28:40 Diverting helping me and helping others so she could feel better about herself

01:28:46 So you understand

01:28:48 That

01:28:51 If I feed every child in the neighborhood

01:28:53 Except my own what am I saying to that child?

01:28:56 You know nothing

01:28:59 Why I hate you

01:29:01 Yeah, and part of my torture is going to be you watching me happily feed every other child and starving you

01:29:09 That's part of my cruelty

01:29:13 You

01:29:15 Look how great I am with all these other children boy. I just want them to succeed and do well and I'll I

01:29:24 I have no energy left over because

01:29:26 I'm helping all these other children you see

01:29:29 Oh, I just I guess I don't have anything left for you

01:29:34 I've gone out with my big vat of soup and I fed all the children in the world

01:29:41 I come back and there's just nothing for you every day

01:29:44 My bowl is empty because all the other children have got everything they want and need

01:29:50 So I know exactly what children need. Oh, yeah, trust me. That's what i'm paid for. That's what I was edgy

01:29:55 I know exactly what children need. I know exactly what you need

01:29:59 I'm, just going to give it to everyone except you my dear

01:30:05 You know how cruel that is do you get do you get that

01:30:09 I

01:30:11 Starting to see it for it is for the first time in my life. Yeah

01:30:15 So you understand

01:30:21 You're on strike

01:30:24 It still feels like i'm

01:30:27 Being bad and rebelling against every even thinking like this right now. Let's be honest. No, no, I got it. Yeah, but you're on strike

01:30:33 Because fuck them i'm not gonna succeed

01:30:39 Because to succeed would be to forgive them

01:30:41 And they haven't earned it they haven't I mean as far as I can tell they haven't acknowledged any wrong

01:30:50 They haven't admitted any fault they haven't made any restitution, right

01:30:54 I've had these kind of conversations not to this extent or depth nowhere near it but with my mom quite a few times

01:31:02 um, and there's been vague promises of change, but

01:31:05 I mean nothing nothing back. No

01:31:08 No

01:31:10 Okay, so that's even worse because then she's acknowledged that there's a problem and then

01:31:18 She has uh ignored the problem right that's even worse I have I have some vague respect for people who never admit any fault

01:31:28 Yeah

01:31:30 Because then at least they're consistent but the people who admit fault

01:31:33 And then don't change. Well, that's just terrible

01:31:37 At least they're being who they say they are

01:31:39 Your mother is trained in childhood education, right

01:31:49 Yeah

01:31:52 And her own child got eight percent in university

01:31:55 That's not an accident man

01:32:03 Another reason you bombed out of university is so your mother wouldn't get any praise

01:32:08 It's a way of fighting back

01:32:11 Humiliate me. Oh, I can humiliate you back. I can fail out of uni and you're the big educator

01:32:16 I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of me succeeding. That's how angry I am

01:32:26 I'm not going to give you bragging rights

01:32:33 I'm not going to give you a feeling of satisfaction and i'm damn

01:32:37 Well, not going to give you the delusion that you did things right?

01:32:40 by succeeding

01:32:42 That makes a ton of sense

01:32:48 You know, I I could be wrong. Obviously I could be wrong. No, it really it really makes it

01:32:52 you know, I even hesitated making this call at all because a few days before she I told her I was feeling really

01:32:58 depressed and everything and she kind of

01:33:00 well, she sent me a link to some kind of

01:33:02 Therapy online and I didn't even want to

01:33:06 Open it or look at it

01:33:08 And then in turn I didn't even want to take this call because it would be like

01:33:11 Oh, i'm kind of listening to her in a way

01:33:13 Right

01:33:18 Right

01:33:25 So

01:33:27 What happens if

01:33:34 You are wealthy healthy in love successful, what is that what is that going to cost you

01:33:43 Right, it's not it's not brain surgery to figure out how to do it, right?

01:33:52 I mean, do you know how to meet a girl?

01:33:55 I

01:33:57 Physical steps to make a girl. Yeah, can you figure out how to meet a girl? Yeah, of course

01:34:01 Yeah, okay

01:34:02 So when was the last time you took and just our criticism?

01:34:04 You're just curious when was the last time you took steps to meet a girl?

01:34:07 It was well, I had a girlfriend

01:34:13 Last year for we knew each other about a year and we were dating for about nine months

01:34:17 um and we met online

01:34:20 and

01:34:21 I'm, sorry. I didn't know that what what happened with your girlfriend from from last year?

01:34:25 Okay, um

01:34:31 I don't know how to start with that. I mean, uh, we met online and um

01:34:41 Admittedly my my mom before

01:34:45 God, it's limitedly before then my mom was saying like you should get on a dating app and meet someone and I I did

01:34:51 um

01:34:53 Maybe thinking about it. Maybe that was always in the back of my mind like just

01:34:57 Sorry, I was trying to fall down

01:35:02 Sorry, you kind of asked me about and I just brought back a lot

01:35:18 memories with her because uh, she was she's like the only person i've ever felt really

01:35:21 Kind of connected with her just kind of overwhelmed me a little bit

01:35:25 Sorry, i'm not sure if you want me to ask the question again or if you're not going to answer it

01:35:37 But it's fine either way. Yeah, if you could ask yeah, sorry. Yeah, what happened with your girlfriend? Right? Um

01:35:46 Well, we

01:35:48 She lived she lived okay, so she lived about

01:35:59 Three hour drive where I was. I mean, I don't know what that's like for people in the us

01:36:03 Apparently that's not too far. But for me it was a big leap. I mean, I barely go out

01:36:07 And leave the village I live in so she lived how far away about three hour drive. Okay. Yeah

01:36:15 Uh, we met online

01:36:17 We're dating within three months and then met up for the first time I drove up to her a couple of months into the relationship

01:36:23 um

01:36:25 And it was I mean it was quite costly for me to go with petrol and how often I wanted to

01:36:30 To see I had this just mad drive to just make a connection for the first time in my life

01:36:34 And there's no bus or train or anything, right?

01:36:36 There wasn't no I looked into it and um, just wondering. Yeah, there was like hundreds of pounds if it was but yeah, all right

01:36:43 um

01:36:45 but she had her own problems at home and

01:36:49 She wanted to she wanted to leave home

01:36:52 And she did eventually she kind of used my capabilities of driving to

01:36:57 Leave a note for them saying i'm fine, but I don't want to be here anymore and

01:37:02 I took her back here

01:37:05 And so she moved in with you yeah, yeah she was here for about three months three months maybe

01:37:14 Well, was that the plan that she was going to stay with you for three months

01:37:17 It wasn't no after what's the plan that you guys would to stay together

01:37:27 I I yeah, I really wanted to be with her and okay. So why did you break up?

01:37:32 Well, she was she was very

01:37:37 I don't have to describe it kind of kind of used a lot at home for um

01:37:43 Just just overworked I think um, her stepdad was

01:37:47 Her mom's boyfriend was out working all day

01:37:50 And then her mom wanted to work on her own business at home, which just seemed to be failing for fun from what I can remember

01:37:55 Uh, and she was kind of left to look after her two half siblings because her mom had kids with other men

01:38:02 Um, and she just felt i'm sorry, how how old was your girlfriend

01:38:09 Uh 18 at the time

01:38:11 Oh, okay. So quite a bit younger, right? Yeah, there's an eight. Yeah. Yeah. Okay

01:38:15 And so she had to take care of her siblings or half siblings

01:38:20 Half siblings both of them half siblings. Okay, so then she came to move in with you, right?

01:38:24 Yeah

01:38:27 And why did you break up? I mean she wasn't taking care of her half siblings when she was living with you, right?

01:38:32 No, of course not. No, so, um

01:38:37 So

01:38:39 So my mom kind of pressed her to find a job and I mean we opened up like her first

01:38:44 Bank account I was like teaching her how to like drive and things like that. Like she didn't really get a lot of this

01:38:50 at home and for the first time I felt really kind of like

01:38:54 Wow, I kind of had it

01:38:56 Good in a sense growing up. Like at least i've got these basic things I can do

01:39:01 Um

01:39:04 She was really pressed to find what eventually she did and she kept a job for

01:39:07 Not even three weeks

01:39:10 She got period cramps didn't know how to handle it took time off

01:39:14 And well took more time off and they they sacked her for that

01:39:18 Um, so she moved in with you and mom

01:39:22 Yeah, yes and your mom was kind of bossing her around is that right yeah

01:39:29 how do you think that goes in a relationship when

01:39:34 Your boyfriend's mom is bossing her around

01:39:36 Not um, not great not good not good

01:39:44 Because you look like a mama's boy, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah

01:39:50 And eventually she gave her like a deadline like if you're not

01:39:55 If you don't have a job and can't pay some kind of rent for me within this amount of time

01:39:59 like I want you out of the house and

01:40:02 And are you paying rent with your mother I am yeah, yeah, okay

01:40:06 So, I mean, I assume it's deducted rent, right?

01:40:10 Yeah, she's she's made it pretty clear that I could be charged a lot more

01:40:15 Um, okay, so she wanted your girlfriend to pay rent and what were your thoughts about this

01:40:22 I thought it was

01:40:29 I thought it was fair in all honesty, like if I am

01:40:32 She should as well like living under the same roof

01:40:35 but at the same time I really wanted to just be like

01:40:38 You know, can you not see where she's coming from like give her a chance stop giving her deadlines and pressuring her so much

01:40:45 Let me sorry, maybe i'm misunderstanding something

01:40:48 um

01:40:50 Why didn't why didn't you pay her rent?

01:40:59 I mean be the provide be the provider, right? Why wouldn't you pay your girlfriend's rent?

01:41:04 I mean you invited her to come you knew that she didn't have much work experience and you knew she'd also had a tough

01:41:14 childhood, right?

01:41:16 Yeah, he says why did I not do that so i'm trying to sort of figure out your mom says

01:41:22 I need more rent. Yeah, so you'd say okay. Yeah, i'll i'll take care of it

01:41:29 Until she gets on her feet and that takes the pressure off to get a job, right?

01:41:32 I'm really angry at myself. I didn't even consider that and I really oh, no, come on. Come on

01:41:40 Don't even don't even try that with me

01:41:42 Mommy's saying I need more rent

01:41:45 You have a full-time job, right?

01:41:48 And she doesn't yeah

01:41:54 So

01:41:56 And she's also learning all these life skills like driving and getting a job

01:41:59 she's having big period cramps, which you know, it's it's a big deal for women, it's not just laziness like

01:42:04 Periods can be really really rough for women

01:42:07 We don't even get me started on the

01:42:12 Nightmare of endometriosis, but yeah periods can be really really crippling for women. I mean, they're not faking it

01:42:21 It's like a bowel migraine, right?

01:42:23 Something like that, but it's something that's really really difficult and unpleasant. Yeah, and it's a core of their life. It's a substantial

01:42:30 Yeah, no, it's it's I have a huge amount of sympathy right and people say oh women have it so much easier

01:42:36 Being a woman is life on easy mode. It's like yeah

01:42:38 Yeah, you take some period cramps for a week brother and you tell me how easy women have it. It's just it's ridiculous

01:42:44 anyway, so yeah, she has uh,

01:42:48 You know significant issues and and this is her first time away from home

01:42:51 And your mom's like she's got to pay rent so yeah you pay rent for her, right

01:42:58 Yeah, so what do you mean you didn't think of it

01:43:02 This this I may be a little critical off just because I i'm a little jaw dropped here

01:43:06 Like it never crossed your mind. What do you mean? I I am I am as well. I

01:43:10 I mean that's easy, right and then you're the authority. Yeah

01:43:18 Or if you say well, um

01:43:20 That's expensive then, you know, maybe you could find a place. Uh,

01:43:24 Uh where you could live with her and you could live not with your mother

01:43:28 Well, yeah, we we tried looking for places

01:43:31 We even got a bunch of stuff to move in together with a bunch of like house stuff spent a couple hundred on that

01:43:37 um

01:43:39 We tried looking for places left right and center. We actually got scammed out of the place as well

01:43:44 So what do you mean?

01:43:47 Uh, we we gave some some money to someone admittedly we'd not i've not really looked at houses before I kind of just

01:43:53 Dived into it. Um

01:43:56 Quite rushed maybe looking back on it, but um

01:43:59 Yeah, I I sent

01:44:03 Some money to a guy for a flat. I knew where the flat was. I you know, it was in a

01:44:06 Town next to me like I was familiar with the area

01:44:09 Uh, it looked good. And yeah, I got I got scammed out of 1700 pounds. Oh my gosh

01:44:17 So you gave him a deposit?

01:44:19 Did you not get a receipt?

01:44:21 No

01:44:23 So you

01:44:24 You you handed over 1700 pounds

01:44:27 And didn't get a receipt for it. I didn't get a receipt. No, was it did was it wired?

01:44:33 Uh wired

01:44:37 I mean, sorry, did you send it electronically?

01:44:39 Yeah. Yeah

01:44:41 Well, didn't you then cry fraud and demand refunds or yeah, I did I did I got in contact with um

01:44:47 Struggling to remember names, um someone online. Yeah, I sent them

01:44:51 tons of screenshots

01:44:54 Loads of times I I heard nothing back

01:44:56 From anyone like I really try so you mean the they do not have to tell me which payment processor

01:45:01 But you're saying that you got in touch with the payment processor and you said it was fraudulent

01:45:04 Uh them as well, yeah and another another group that kind of deal with online scams

01:45:11 um

01:45:12 Okay, so sorry you you contacted i'm just trying to understand the b I had something similar. Um, I I gave 900 pounds

01:45:19 Sorry 900 to a guy

01:45:21 to um reserve an apartment and then it

01:45:25 Fell through and he said I could have my money back if it fell through he didn't give me the money back

01:45:30 I ended up taking

01:45:32 Taking him to small claims court and got the money back that way

01:45:35 But i'm just sort of trying to figure out like that's a huge amount of money. I mean

01:45:38 yeah, so

01:45:41 Uh

01:45:42 So you contacted the payment processor and you said this is fraudulent

01:45:45 Yeah, and did they they don't what did they say? It's too late or I didn't hear a single word back from them

01:45:51 Wow, did you get him on the phone? Did you like?

01:45:55 I didn't call them. No, so you how many messages how many sorry how many messages did you send?

01:46:02 Uh can't remember but a fair few. Yeah

01:46:08 And why wouldn't you get them on the phone is this the I don't want to impose stuff

01:46:13 Yeah, I think it is

01:46:19 All right. Yeah

01:46:20 But did your mother help you out with this or say?

01:46:22 I guess you was post your dad, right?

01:46:24 But did your mother help you out and say look you got to get the money back?

01:46:27 I don't think I even told her about any of this

01:46:36 Yeah

01:46:38 Now you don't have to tell me the number but just roughly so there's 1700 pounds, yeah

01:46:43 Um, no, let's let's do the math. How much was your mother?

01:46:48 requesting in rent

01:46:50 for your girlfriend

01:46:52 Uh, she requests 400 a month from me and then when it was both of us living together it was she was asking for 300

01:46:58 a month

01:47:00 Uh for so it would have been an extra 300

01:47:04 Uh, yeah, no, sorry an extra

01:47:06 Which she was asking for 300 a month from both of us up from just 400 a month from me. So extra 200 an extra 200

01:47:13 Okay

01:47:15 So

01:47:17 1700 would have been

01:47:20 Nine months almost eight or nine months. Yeah. Yeah. So why wouldn't you just pay the eight or nine months?

01:47:26 with the 1700

01:47:29 You

01:47:31 That would have been yeah, that would have been you literally had the money sitting in your in your hand, right and I just yeah

01:47:47 I'm sorry. I'm pretty you you you could have stayed living with your girlfriend for 200 pounds a month

01:47:56 Mm-hmm

01:47:58 So, okay and you're saying that never crossed your mind you you've got your mother's demanding money

01:48:05 You've got money in your hand and you never think you're handing it to your mother

01:48:07 Honestly, no

01:48:12 No

01:48:14 Do you have any idea why that may never have crossed your mind?

01:48:16 Of course, it would make sense for your mother to say just give me the money. You've already got the money, right?

01:48:21 Yeah, you you pay

01:48:24 Did your mother ever say you?

01:48:26 You pay like one of you. Oh, no, she said because she said combined

01:48:30 It's 600 pounds a month, right? Yeah

01:48:33 Yeah, okay. So basically she said you pay me 400 pounds now

01:48:37 Just pay me 600 pounds and we're square, right?

01:48:40 Yeah, no, she never said that no, but she said pay me 600 pounds a month, right? Yeah. Yeah

01:48:48 And you were already paying her 400 pounds a month

01:48:51 Yes

01:48:53 Now she didn't say that money can't come from you. It has to come from your girlfriend, right?

01:48:56 So you just you've got you just pay her

01:49:02 To 200 pounds

01:49:06 Yeah, I really I really should have I mean she was very insistent that we both

01:49:12 Pay rent like those are the words that came out of my mouth. So it's

01:49:15 And you're 27

01:49:20 6 26 and you were 25 and this is going on. It was last year. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, okay

01:49:25 So

01:49:29 How long did your girlfriend you said it was a couple of months she was living at your mom's place. Is that right?

01:49:34 Uh, yeah, three months three months. Okay, so

01:49:38 Why did she move out

01:49:42 Uh, well

01:49:45 we moved out, um sort of

01:49:48 so eventually just this whole scenario got to me too much and my mom kind of

01:49:52 Demanding, you know, you've got three weeks left to get a job and start paying rent and two weeks and one week left

01:49:58 and when it got to

01:50:00 a couple of days left I just kind of

01:50:02 I let all this out on her in a very kind of

01:50:05 Angry manner like why can't you just give her some some?

01:50:09 slack and just stop being so

01:50:11 Demanding of her and it really blew up like it was a good hour of

01:50:16 solid shouting from both of us

01:50:18 All right, and then what happened?

01:50:22 Uh, my my girlfriend said she didn't feel

01:50:25 safe

01:50:27 Even being here

01:50:29 Well, I mean you and your mom are screaming at each other, right? Yeah. No. Yeah

01:50:31 Yeah, is that fair to say like it was that intense? It's very fair to say. Yeah. Okay, and what was the gist?

01:50:37 Of her argument right? Your argument is cut us some slack. Give us a break. It's 200 quid a month. What do you care?

01:50:45 Uh, and what was your mom's side?

01:50:47 I mean just that rent needs paying and and

01:50:52 She's living under her roof. Like she didn't have to take her out under under her roof

01:50:57 No, sorry, the rent rent needs paying the rent's already being paid

01:51:00 It's not like the rent goes I mean I assume the rent didn't go up because your girlfriend moved in right?

01:51:04 The rent your mother was paying it went it went up because my girlfriend moved in yeah

01:51:10 Oh, okay. So your mom doesn't own the place

01:51:14 Uh, no, no, I don't I don't think she does it so this is fairly new she does what do you mean?

01:51:19 You don't think she does you should know. Sorry. No, i'm being i'm being soft my language. No, she doesn't own the place

01:51:23 Okay, so is it charged by the occupant right? So if your girlfriend moves in the rent goes up

01:51:29 Um, yes, yes, um

01:51:35 Yeah, i'm pretty sure that's yeah

01:51:43 Okay, well why why do you keep fading out of me man? Don't make me do all the work it's your life, right?

01:51:48 Yeah, i'm okay

01:51:50 Did the rent for your mother go up because your girlfriend moved in did the landlord say?

01:51:54 Oh, you have somebody else living in the place. So it's an extra couple of hundred quid a month. I say, sorry. Um

01:52:00 No, I don't know. I I don't know. Probably not

01:52:03 Probably not no like probably not right you just she just wanted more

01:52:11 Well, I I don't know but

01:52:13 She was willing to get into a screaming match with you

01:52:18 Over 200 quid

01:52:21 a month that she didn't even need

01:52:24 because

01:52:26 I i've never heard of a place I could be wrong. I've i've rented all over the world

01:52:31 yeah, i've never heard of a place where

01:52:34 Someone comes in. I mean I

01:52:38 From the age of 15. I was renting out my place

01:52:40 My rent never went up

01:52:43 I had roommates all over the two roommates three roommates at times. Nobody came by and said we got to pay more rent now

01:52:49 I had roommates all through university

01:52:53 I lived in the same room with a guy

01:52:57 The rent never went up again. It could be different. I don't know maybe things have changed

01:53:02 uh, maybe it's an english thing, but

01:53:05 And and even if like obviously you're allowed to have house guests, right?

01:53:09 So you're allowed a certain amount of time

01:53:11 Maybe if somebody moves in for a year or two, but a couple of months could be a house guest

01:53:16 Yeah, the rent didn't go up

01:53:19 I demanded

01:53:22 So your mom didn't need more money

01:53:24 Let me ask you this does your mom spend on anything frivolous?

01:53:29 Yeah, yeah, okay, what does your mother spend

01:53:35 On that's relatively frivolous

01:53:37 Uh, lots of drinks a couple of holidays with her friends every year

01:53:41 Ah, you know holidays she works hard or whatever, right? So

01:53:44 But uh, does she order a crap online? Does she have too many clothes? Does she buy jewelry?

01:53:50 Does she does she buy stuff that's kind of frivolous?

01:53:52 Yeah, yeah, I can't I can't move for shoes in this house. I'll tell you it's okay

01:53:56 So she's got dozens and dozens of pairs of shoes, right?

01:53:59 That she admits to not wearing for years. Yeah, okay

01:54:04 So she doesn't need the 200 fucking pounds. All right, right because she wastes more than that on shoes a month. I bet

01:54:09 All right, and she'll come back quite regularly and be like, oh look what i've got. That's okay, right? Okay, so

01:54:16 She didn't need the money the rent didn't go up and

01:54:21 It's a is it a flat it's a flat townhouse

01:54:26 It's a it's a new build it's a it's a house. Yeah. Oh, it's a house. It's a house. Yeah, and she's

01:54:33 renting the house

01:54:35 Sorry, i'm not i'm not sure if she's renting or not. Um

01:54:43 You don't know if she's got a mortgage. You don't know if she's bought no down payment. No

01:54:47 Okay, let me ask you this when something goes wrong. Who's who fixes it?

01:54:51 If if it's a landlord, it's probably a rental

01:54:56 Yeah

01:54:58 Okay still dumb proven saying this but yeah, I think it's a landlord

01:55:10 All right

01:55:14 How many bedrooms in the house

01:55:16 Uh three

01:55:19 Three bedrooms. All right. Yeah, we moved in when my brother was still living with us. So the three of us got it

01:55:23 Okay, so she doesn't need the money and she wastes money

01:55:27 So why does she want the 200 quid? And why is it a deal breaker?

01:55:32 It doesn't make logical sense, right?

01:55:44 So why is she hounding you?

01:55:46 And threatening your girlfriend and demanding

01:55:49 this piss stupid amount of money

01:55:52 I

01:55:54 Come on man, I think it's irritating some kind of like no, no, no, no, no

01:56:05 The purpose of a system is what it does

01:56:14 What was the result of her demanding this money

01:56:22 I

01:56:24 Well ended with me losing my my call with her and us moving out

01:56:29 To

01:56:33 Well, we ended up staying in just a couple of hotels with what little money I had left

01:56:37 Right

01:56:39 And then what happened?

01:56:41 And that got quite a lot for me, um, eventually I even lost my job as well

01:56:48 Quite unfairly, I think um unrelated to work. I pulled my back

01:56:51 and then

01:56:53 They sort of demanded I took time off. It was in an electronics work

01:56:56 Um dealing with heavy batteries and they said oh, you can't move the battery if anything and I was quite insistent

01:57:02 I said I don't mind just doing wire work in the corner for eight or nine hours like

01:57:06 It's fine, but they were very insistent and said no, no, take take time off until you're better

01:57:10 Um, and then they fired me for taking days off

01:57:13 Um

01:57:16 And then after that I just I thought I had nothing like i'm just going from hotel to hotel. I don't have a job

01:57:21 I I don't know what i'm doing. My bank account's depleted been scammed

01:57:26 Like it's just I just I hated all of it. And then she said that she had a auntie up

01:57:31 Where she lived?

01:57:34 Up near where she lived who would sorry she being your girlfriend. I go and yeah

01:57:37 um, she said she had an auntie who we could we could

01:57:40 crash with for a bit and

01:57:43 even her auntie came down quite hard on us saying like, you know, she's got her own kids that are working and in college and

01:57:49 One of her daughters was sick and she's struggling to provide for her and then all of a sudden we rock up like

01:57:54 Can we have a place to stay?

01:57:56 And she came down quite

01:57:58 Hard on us for that. Um, so we left her and went to another auntie's house. How long were you with that aunt?

01:58:03 Oh a day a day a day. So she says come and stay with me and then she says get the hell out

01:58:08 No, she did. She didn't my my girlfriend just this is the thing

01:58:11 My girlfriend just kind of said like oh, yeah, she'll take us in she's nice. Okay

01:58:16 and then so you went from aunt to aunt and then

01:58:19 What happened?

01:58:21 With the second of her aunties we stayed at um

01:58:24 She kind of said the same thing as the first just that, you know, we need to find jobs, etc

01:58:29 and

01:58:30 I thought that was fair enough. But by by that point I just felt like

01:58:34 really bad

01:58:36 Sofa surfing essentially just going from place to place

01:58:40 um not really having a direction in life and

01:58:42 honestly a big part of me felt bad for just how i'd

01:58:46 Left things with my mom

01:58:49 And I just I thought the best plan

01:58:51 Would be to for me to go back and live with my mom and for my girlfriend to stay

01:58:55 With her auntie. I'm sorry. So, um with your mom you had this hour-long scream fest, right?

01:59:01 Yeah, and then did you say that's it i'm out of here or did she order you out or or how did that?

01:59:07 How did it end up that you moved out?

01:59:10 Uh, just after my girlfriend said that she felt

01:59:12 Like unsafe even being there and I put that first and said, okay, we'll we'll get up there

01:59:18 Right

01:59:22 Okay, and did things come to any resolution with your mom were there any apologies or promises to do better or

01:59:28 Uh, I I apologized yeah, oh you apologized I did

01:59:38 And your mom didn't

01:59:40 No

01:59:43 So you apologized but then you felt bad for how things were left with your mom

01:59:47 Yeah. Yeah. How long have you been listening to what I do?

01:59:51 Uh on and off a while but consistently for the past few months

01:59:56 And when did you first hear about what I do or first listen to my shows?

02:00:01 Uh through my dad actually

02:00:04 Yeah, um, obviously used to do a lot of stuff with politics. So that's that's kind of what got me into it first. Um,

02:00:10 Then a bit of history content and then yeah, i'll do this this kind of stuff. So when

02:00:16 When not who and wow and why and what when

02:00:20 um

02:00:23 When did you first listen to what I did? I first listened to

02:00:25 A piece of yours maybe five or six years ago. Okay. Got it. Just wondering

02:00:34 Okay, so you

02:00:36 Grovel before your mom and she lets you back in right something like that

02:00:40 Yeah, and eventually I did find work. I'm at the job. I'm at now i've been there for six months

02:00:45 The least I can say is that I have a job i'm providing rent once again and money's coming back in but

02:00:52 What happened with

02:00:55 Your girlfriend over the course of you moving back in with your mom

02:01:03 So I went to visit her a couple of weeks later at the weekend, no, no, sorry

02:01:09 So you split up with your girlfriend, but it wasn't a breakup like you went to move back in with your mom

02:01:13 Yeah, yeah, so we were we were still together just not physically together. Okay, got it

02:01:19 and I went to see her a couple of weekends later just to spend some time with her and

02:01:23 She got quite desperate. She wanted me to just bring her back with her

02:01:27 She said she was happy to sorry bring her back with her. I'm not sure bring her back with you

02:01:33 I

02:01:34 Said with her didn't I? Sorry bring her back with me. Yeah

02:01:36 Yeah, the fact that you referred to yourself as a her is noted, but we won't pause too much on that. Yeah

02:01:41 um, so she

02:01:44 wanted to move back in with your mother and you

02:01:46 No, she wanted well she wanted to

02:01:49 She knew obviously I was staying down there. She wanted to

02:01:52 Basically, she was willing to find a homeless shelter nearby

02:01:55 She was willing to she was sorry. She was willing to live in a homeless shelter nearby. Yeah

02:02:02 She was willing to sleep in my car outside our house

02:02:05 um

02:02:07 I mean she got pretty desperate

02:02:09 Wow wants to stay together. Yeah

02:02:11 Okay, and I mean I considered it all this because you wouldn't part with 200 pounds a month

02:02:18 Yeah, that's yeah, obviously it cost you way more how much money did you spend on hotels?

02:02:25 A thousand two thousand pounds

02:02:32 Well over a grand yeah well over a grand yeah, okay, so we're talking, you know, whatever three thousand

02:02:38 Pounds

02:02:41 Right at 200 pounds a month. Yeah

02:02:45 3 000 pounds

02:02:48 That's 15 months is

02:02:58 Okay, so by demanding the money your mother put a huge amount of stress on the relationship in the hopes of breaking you up

02:03:03 So that you'd be all hers again, and she wouldn't have to deal with a girlfriend

02:03:08 Because that's what happened right you're back now with your mom. Yeah

02:03:13 At you is it just you who lives with her now?

02:03:16 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so you understand your mother didn't want to be alone. So she had to break you up in the girl

02:03:21 So she puts all these demands on she becomes aggressive. She provokes you to rage

02:03:24 And then the girl and you are in this huge stress you get

02:03:28 So she's breaking up you and the girl so she has a companion

02:03:31 Yeah, am I wrong

02:03:37 The only part of me that's ever denied that that might be the truth is that well my brother found a girlfriend they've been together

02:03:45 seven or eight years they moved out she was sad to see him go obviously, but

02:03:49 um, yeah, like

02:03:52 They did everything i've been trying to do and she's been okay with she's been great with that and they get on

02:03:58 And are you the younger brother? I am but you're you're an ass and how did I know that?

02:04:03 Kind of seem like a afterthought like the second the youngest no, the reason that I know that is because

02:04:14 It's the youngest sibling who's hung on to last parent by the mother

02:04:18 It's the youngest sibling that's clung on to by the parent

02:04:22 The lonely single mother will let the older kid go because she's got her

02:04:27 Teeth into the younger one

02:04:29 You're the you're the designated substitute husband

02:04:34 You're the companion

02:04:40 She doesn't need both right

02:04:43 That's why she's got one. Yeah, because you see if you're both home, then you're going to encourage each other

02:04:47 to move on but if it's just you

02:04:50 Why didn't you go and stay with your brother

02:04:54 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know

02:04:57 I don't know

02:05:00 I don't know

02:05:02 Why are you in these like weird arts couches

02:05:05 I really don't know. I really wish I wish I did. I I don't know why what are you talking about?

02:05:17 It's your only brother, right? I'm, sorry. I don't mean to laugh but I mean this is jaw-dropping. He's your only brother

02:05:23 You've been kicked out of your mom's place or you're bailing out of your mom's place. You need a place to stay

02:05:27 Why are you in hotels?

02:05:29 There's a place brother knows about this conflict

02:05:33 Uh, yeah, okay, so your brother knows my god

02:05:38 Brother, i'm have to leave my mom's place. She's being a total witch to my girlfriend. I'm desperately in need of a place to stay

02:05:45 And what does your brother say

02:05:52 Good luck kid. I hear there's some nice hotels out there somewhere

02:05:55 Are you kidding me

02:06:00 Jesus how ridiculous is your family

02:06:08 How terrible is your family did he offer you god come here. Absolutely. No, he didn't offer

02:06:16 Why not

02:06:21 I don't know. I mean that they're yes, you know, no, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know

02:06:26 I mean him and his girlfriend are making over 100k a year together. So they've got a place for you to be right? Yeah

02:06:34 so

02:06:37 Why didn't they?

02:06:39 Offer to put you up not forever, but you know till you get on your feet

02:06:44 Okay

02:06:46 I mean do you not get along with your brother?

02:06:57 We're not super close but I do I do I do get along with him. Yeah, I say

02:07:02 So then why wouldn't you say I need a place to stay man?

02:07:05 Literally help a brother out, right?

02:07:12 If you're close, right

02:07:14 Or reasonably

02:07:18 Reasonably close. I mean we don't

02:07:24 Ever organize anything together ourselves. It's always been

02:07:28 If my mom recommends getting together

02:07:31 Did you ever talk to him about like

02:07:38 Why didn't you offer me a place to stay but and why you know and also like why did you didn't think to ask right?

02:07:43 Yeah, no, yeah, I don't think to ask

02:07:48 So where the hell are you in your own life? You don't offer to pay for your girlfriend you don't

02:07:53 Try and get the money back

02:07:56 Assiduously that you got ripped off from you don't ask you i'm not criticizing like like you you don't ask your brother for a place

02:08:02 To stay he doesn't offer

02:08:08 It seems to me you're surrounded entirely by people who aren't looking out for you

02:08:11 And as a result it seems you don't know how to look out for yourself myself, yeah

02:08:20 What was the final straw with your girlfriend

02:08:23 Uh, well in her desperation to come back down here and just be as close to me as possible

02:08:33 I tried doing that and I tried driving her back down here and

02:08:37 I'm, not really sure. I can't remember how but my mom eventually found out about that

02:08:41 and

02:08:44 Just got very angry with me said she's not coming back here. She accused me of thinking with my dick. Oh god

02:08:50 um

02:08:53 And I I didn't know what to say to that I just I again I blew up and

02:09:01 Very very regretfully I blew up my girlfriend for it and I just I

02:09:04 Sorry, you did what with your girlfriend? I got angry at her. I don't even know why I

02:09:10 Oh, you got angry at your girlfriend. Yeah

02:09:13 Because your mother was upset that your girlfriend was in the vicinity

02:09:17 I mean you weren't she wasn't moving back in with your mother was she not into the house? No

02:09:21 so like the car thing

02:09:24 potentially

02:09:27 All right, and your mother was like I don't even want her in a car in the neighborhood is that right? Yeah, okay

02:09:33 So then you got mad at your girlfriend

02:09:38 Yeah, and then what happened I I drove her back to where she was staying before and just I

02:09:45 I just gave up. I dropped all her stuff off. Um, I'd even I'd bought her a phone. Um,

02:09:54 And I asked for that back and I just I left

02:09:57 Wow you you took back the phone. Yeah

02:10:04 It's kind of cold man it is it is

02:10:09 This is this is kind of what made me call like i've just been thinking about

02:10:13 And then you move back in with mom. Yeah

02:10:17 And how this was late last year early this year

02:10:24 Uh last year about um, six or seven months ago

02:10:26 right

02:10:30 And why are you living with your mother

02:10:34 Don't tell me about it's the money you're saving because that ain't the case

02:10:41 I mean you think of how much money you spent on petrol and your girlfriend and

02:10:50 Hotels and

02:10:51 More petrol and phones and right so it's not not to save money because you invested all that money

02:10:56 You know thousands and thousands of pounds into a relationship and then you and your mother combined to set fire to all of that money

02:11:02 So it's not about saving money. So why are you living with your mother?

02:11:06 Doesn't save you money

02:11:10 Doesn't give you much of a chance to date

02:11:12 So why are you living with your mother?

02:11:16 You

02:11:18 I'd say I don't know where else to go. But I mean I have a couple of friends who i'm

02:11:25 Trying to look into moving into a place with um

02:11:29 If i'm perfectly honest, I mean they seem quite distant from even doing that. Um

02:11:35 Okay, sorry, I I'm I mean i'm misunderstanding something

02:11:44 Why do you need friends to move into a place with I mean you can just be a roommate, right?

02:11:49 Maybe it's not perfect. Maybe it's not forever. It certainly wouldn't be forever

02:11:53 but

02:11:56 Why do you why why is it dependent upon other people?

02:11:59 I mean I moved like 18 times

02:12:05 In 10 years when I was younger

02:12:08 Almost always ended up with roommates or something like that

02:12:11 And you know, you interviewed them and you know, sometimes it's not perfect, but it's not forever. So

02:12:15 Why are you

02:12:18 Living with your mother

02:12:21 I mean, she just had an absolutely horrible time with her right with regards to this girl

02:12:26 Yeah

02:12:29 So why are you back?

02:12:32 You

02:12:34 I mean she's pretty nasty to you and your girlfriend

02:12:44 And very insulting to you thinking with your dick. It's very crass right? Very coarse. Very trashy. That's it

02:12:50 And I bet you she'd never speak to a student that way, right?

02:12:53 Yeah, so why are you living with your mother?

02:12:58 You

02:13:00 Feels like a it feels like it's the only place I I can go. I know it's not it obviously isn't but

02:13:14 Okay, that doesn't answer me any questions, so why does it why does it feel like it's the only place you can go when it's

02:13:21 Obviously not

02:13:22 Yeah

02:13:28 All right, I guess because we've got times pressing on right so does it benefit you or your mother for you to live with your mother

02:13:35 It's only done better benefit me, you know, who does it benefit?

02:13:39 Yeah

02:13:41 Right. So you're pleasing your mother because she wants someone else in the house, right?

02:13:44 Yeah, of course it saves her some money and she has some companionship and somebody eat meals with or I don't know

02:13:50 I guess you disappear a lot into your room, but there's someone else in the house, right? He's separately. Yeah. Yeah

02:13:54 right

02:13:56 And your mom is in her 50s 60s

02:13:58 Uh early 60s early 60s, right?

02:14:01 And she's got a boyfriend

02:14:04 Yeah, they've been seeing each other for about four years now. Okay

02:14:07 Right, so yeah, I mean

02:14:11 If you and my son ought to kicked you out years ago

02:14:15 Get out into the world go do something

02:14:19 I wish I wish someone had yeah, of course

02:14:22 Yeah, no, I get that and I I sympathize with that like it's a charles murray thing where he's like, you know

02:14:26 If I had my way I'd drop my kids in a foreign land in a foreign country with no language skills and no money

02:14:31 And see them survive, right because they would

02:14:33 Yeah, and finally your ancestors

02:14:36 Crossed a three-week sea voyage with cholera and smallpox and survived, right?

02:14:43 Oh, but I can't move into a smaller place

02:14:47 It really does make me feel pathetic I keep seeing my ancestors like well knowing that they survived like the black death and then yeah

02:14:53 It's just it's ridiculous, right?

02:14:57 so

02:14:59 I mean, it's just choices and consequences, right? You can choose to keep pleasing your mom at your own expense

02:15:06 and

02:15:09 No decent quality woman will find you attractive

02:15:15 Right, yeah

02:15:17 I mean

02:15:19 I I hate to say mama's boy like it's somehow your fault

02:15:22 But it seems to me that you've been raised to just please your mother and not think about yourself

02:15:25 It feels that way yeah, and then the moment that something was mildly inconvenient to your mother which was your girlfriend being there

02:15:33 Uh, she's like all over you with her needs and her preferences are get out and screaming and right

02:15:37 Yeah, okay

02:15:40 So the good news is that your mom has no reason to object with you doing what you want, even if it's unpleasant to her

02:15:47 Because she's given you that template, right

02:15:52 Talking to again, well your mother

02:15:58 wanted

02:16:00 Rent money for no particular reason, right?

02:16:03 Yes, your mother wanted rent money and was throwing around ultimatums and making everybody feel really uncomfortable and

02:16:09 Making things really difficult between you and your girlfriend and screaming at you to the point where your girlfriend felt in danger

02:16:15 I assume that your girlfriend came from a verbally abusive environment, which your mother would have known

02:16:20 So by verbally escalating and abusing she's triggering your girlfriend and causing massive amounts of discomfort pain and agony all around her

02:16:26 Oh, yeah, I understood that when she said you wanted to leave like before we yeah for the sake of 200 quid a month

02:16:32 Which is bullshit, right? Yeah

02:16:34 It's not like she needed the kidney or she was gonna die. It's nothing right? So

02:16:38 You know, the good news is your mom is like, yeah, i'll do what I want damn it

02:16:42 And if it causes other people discomfort, well too fucking bad, they can deal with it

02:16:46 So you you know if you're moving out and your mother's like no it's not a good idea

02:16:55 It's bad. It makes me uncomfortable like well, no

02:16:58 Mom, you you just gave me this whole life lesson that you do what you want

02:17:01 Even if it's inconvenient to other people, it doesn't matter. It was inconvenient for me for you to demand 200 quid a month for my girlfriend

02:17:08 um

02:17:10 And you went ahead and did that so you can't complain if i'm doing something that's uncomfortable to you like I mean

02:17:15 You can complain if you want, but it's just kind of silly, right? Yeah

02:17:18 So your mother's selfishness has given you if you want, I mean, I don't know if you want it or not deep down

02:17:24 But it's given you full permission to do what's best for you regardless of how much it upsets your mother or anyone else for that

02:17:30 matter

02:17:31 But certainly your mother, right?

02:17:33 You never like the good news is you never have to please your mother again ever

02:17:37 If you want I mean that's the logical result right because she did things entirely destructive to you for the sake of no money at all

02:17:45 Really?

02:17:48 Yeah, and so she just acted like really selfishly and in a destructive manner because that's what she wanted

02:17:54 So the good news is that that removes all obligations

02:17:56 For you to consider your mother's feelings in the future

02:18:00 Like you view this as traumatic, I mean, okay, whatever it's but it's totally liberating philosophically speaking, right?

02:18:08 Now you can pursue what you want to do in life completely independent of what your mother wants

02:18:14 You never have to take her feelings or needs into consideration ever again

02:18:19 Because not only did she do this, but you groveled and apologized and she never apologized for anything

02:18:24 She did this absolutely terrible thing

02:18:27 So did your father

02:18:32 So you are if you want you're now completely liberated from ever having to take her feelings into consideration ever again

02:18:40 Just do what you want. And if she squeals about it, just say yeah. Yeah, you know, I get it

02:18:45 But you know, this is like the situation with me and my girlfriend

02:18:47 But you did what you wanted regardless of how harmful it was to others. So i'm just doing the same thing

02:18:51 What are you gonna do cry about it? Give me a break

02:18:54 Yeah, i've

02:18:59 Struggled to muster up that kind of mindset really i've just

02:19:04 Wanted to distance myself from her I know I know it's I think I know it's what I want but want to do but

02:19:10 Yeah

02:19:17 So you basically have the same emotional content at the end of the call as the beginning, right

02:19:21 I'm not i'm not entirely convinced. We've made any progress at all. So yeah, I want this but I don't know

02:19:30 You don't have to do any of this, I mean you can absolutely spend the rest of your life being smothered, right

02:19:41 Doing what your mom wants and giving up your own life

02:19:46 I

02:19:48 Really don't want that. I don't know

02:19:51 I mean a part of you certainly the part of you that conforms to your mom does want that right? Yeah

02:19:58 But I know that's not going to get me

02:20:04 Anywhere in life certainly not where I want to be certainly not

02:20:08 Any kind of dating scene

02:20:11 No, but if you really understood that then you wouldn't have any ambivalence

02:20:14 You wouldn't be like yeah, i'm kind of trying to muster that stuff up, right?

02:20:17 You're I mean my view you're kind of a broken-down guy around your mother and I sympathize with that i'm not blaming you I

02:20:26 Could really sympathize with that

02:20:28 But you can't have any strength and authority and independence and

02:20:34 Be a be attractive to a woman

02:20:37 If you're kind of broken by your mom, right?

02:20:43 Yeah, yeah i'm definitely a lot more chatty with people even even just at work just obviously i'm away from my mom, right

02:20:50 And your brother shouldn't have left you back right no, he should have tried to help you out, right? Yeah

02:20:59 So it seems to me that you're also kind of released from obligations to your brother

02:21:12 Your your brother probably left you behind so that

02:21:15 You'd block your mother's attempts to get time energy and resources from him

02:21:24 I've actually never viewed my brother in any kind of negative light to be honest

02:21:35 I've never seen him in any kind of negative light. I've never seen him in any kind of negative light

02:21:40 Well, why are you talking to me not him?

02:21:44 Oh, why isn't he

02:21:52 phoning you up and saying or coming over and saying listen, bro, man, I mean

02:21:56 Help me, you know

02:21:58 what's going on with your life like

02:22:00 This is not something's not working for you. What what can I do? How can I help?

02:22:05 You

02:22:07 Is he circling back to help the wounded so to speak

02:22:11 No

02:22:16 Did you tell him what your father said to you

02:22:20 Uh, yes, yeah I did. Yeah, what did he say?

02:22:25 I mean he did he distanced himself from a while ago as well. Uh, he seemed I mean

02:22:33 I

02:22:35 Can just hear myself I just want some fucking passion to come out of me man, seriously

02:22:39 Did your brother know what happened between you and your mother and your girlfriend late last year

02:22:48 I don't know. I didn't tell them directly

02:23:00 What do you mean directly did you mime it what do you mean directly I didn't I didn't tell him

02:23:04 Okay. So what why do you still keep fogging everything up?

02:23:08 Look you have to you just have to make a decision. It's

02:23:13 Are you worth something or not

02:23:20 Are you there for the convenience of others or are you there to live your own vivid life

02:23:27 You

02:23:29 Now listen man, there's great convenience

02:23:32 in being there for others there's great because you get to just wrap yourself around their needs and get to appease them and think about

02:23:39 them and

02:23:41 Right. Your life's decisions are kind of made by whatever other people want and need and prefer and right

02:23:46 Now occasionally, yeah, you'll blow up and you'll scream and you get really angry

02:23:50 But then you just kind of sink back into this half-spined this torpor and right there's great attraction

02:23:56 In not having to be assertive

02:23:58 Yeah, otherwise easy everybody would be assertive right? Yeah, of course it's it's easier in a sense

02:24:06 Sure. Yeah, it's easier

02:24:08 and it's easier to do what mom wants and it's easier maybe to do what this girl wants and not try and figure out what

02:24:13 You want and what your values and your standards are?

02:24:15 Because you don't think about your own interests. You don't

02:24:19 And you don't notice

02:24:26 When you're ignored

02:24:28 Mom did not like your girlfriend, right?

02:24:34 So you drive her home dump her off and take back your phone because that's what mommy wants, right?

02:24:43 Your brother doesn't offer you a place to stay don't even notice

02:24:52 You don't even tell your brother

02:24:54 You don't even tell your brother about the big, you know the biggest catastrophe of your adult life wasn't it what happened with this girl

02:25:04 Oh, sorry, um, yeah, yeah, you don't even tell him do you know why you don't tell him because he won't help

02:25:12 And he'll give you some vague pat pat and not get involved I assume and you don't want that coldness

02:25:21 You don't want that feeling of unimportance, right

02:25:23 So you just have to look and say okay. Am I important or not?

02:25:27 Now, I don't agree with it. I don't think it's right, but you can say well i'm not that important

02:25:33 I'm, not that special. I'm, not that interesting. So the best thing I can do in life is just appease

02:25:38 other people's narcissism, right

02:25:41 Yeah, just be there to serve. No be there to serve them be the

02:25:44 Water that pours into the containers if everyone needs no needs of my own no preferences of my own

02:25:50 I mean your loyalty to your mother was so absolute it didn't even come cross your mind to pay for your girlfriend

02:25:57 Instead you burned money on useless hotels instead

02:26:01 Because your mother says I want the money from her or I want the money

02:26:10 And your mother says from her so of course it can't be from you because that's not what mommy says

02:26:16 So

02:26:18 These are around people it's almost like you you you ghost yourself does that make sense

02:26:25 Yeah, it does and I sympathize with that. I'm not blaming you for anything

02:26:30 My heart goes out to you brother. Give you a big hug. If I could I hugely sympathize with that

02:26:34 Because you weren't raised

02:26:36 To have needs in fact your needs were opposed

02:26:40 This is why I got so angry at your father with the et tu brute comment that you have needs to contradict your father's

02:26:46 And he calls you a murderer and ghosts you and sends back your graduation picture or your photo, right?

02:26:51 I love my brothers. Yeah. Yeah brothers

02:26:53 So you were raised with any needs of yours being attacked rejected and punished

02:27:00 So you have to make that decision I can't make that for you nobody else can your parents certainly won't your brother won't

02:27:09 Am I worth?

02:27:11 something

02:27:13 Now if you're worth something

02:27:16 That's the first thing say, okay, I am worth something everybody wants to say that right, right?

02:27:21 You want to say that nobody's going to say i'm worth nothing, right?

02:27:23 I could hear you rebelling against yeah, you could live like this and right serve carry water for everyone else

02:27:28 So you say i'm worth something, okay?

02:27:31 That's not the big issue

02:27:35 The big issue is not saying i'm worth something

02:27:38 the big issue is

02:27:40 What do I do with people who don't agree with that?

02:27:42 You

02:27:44 What do I do with people who don't agree that i'm worth something if i'm worth something

02:27:52 What do I do with people who treat me like i'm worthless?

02:27:54 That's the big question yeah you want to be worth something

02:28:01 But if you are worth something and brother you are

02:28:06 If you are worth something then the people who treat you like you're nothing are dangerous

02:28:13 and toxic

02:28:14 and destructive

02:28:16 Because there's a war

02:28:20 Over your soul

02:28:22 There's a war over your spine there's a war over your willpower and it's ferocious

02:28:27 Are you worth something or are you a mere tool for the convenience of others?

02:28:34 I believe I am worth something and

02:28:42 If anyone disagrees with that I

02:28:44 I need to just say fuck them

02:28:47 I mean, I wish there was another way. I don't know one

02:28:52 I've been around the block a couple of times around the planet 57 almost so

02:28:59 Yeah

02:29:02 I I if if I believe that i'm worth something and I have great value

02:29:06 There are people

02:29:10 Who don't believe that?

02:29:12 You know when I wanted to when I started doing this show like 18 years ago, right?

02:29:15 I genuinely and deeply believed that I had great things and things of great value to offer the world

02:29:20 That this was my mission this was my calling this was my church

02:29:26 Yeah, that was your motive to get going essentially how many people?

02:29:31 In my life

02:29:35 Who disagreed with my assessment of the value I had to offer?

02:29:39 Came along with me zero. Yeah zero

02:29:42 I can't live a contradiction. I can't say i'm very important and i'm also great pals with people who think i'm not important

02:29:53 I can't split myself like that

02:29:58 if I have value hey, man, i'm

02:30:02 Other people have value too. I'm not selfish like you don't have value. I you have value I have value

02:30:08 We have equal value

02:30:10 You have value

02:30:13 And people who treat you like you don't have value who aren't thinking of your needs who aren't trying to be considerate who aren't trying

02:30:18 To help who aren't trying to figure out how can I best help you get what you want in life, which is a parent's job

02:30:24 Your mother's job is to facilitate oh you should go and date a girl

02:30:32 Hey, I dated a girl

02:30:33 Look, maybe you're the 18 year old girl coming to live with you and your mom when she was just out of a trauma

02:30:38 I mean, maybe that wasn't the best plan. Maybe that wasn't the best approach

02:30:41 Okay, so what so you you figure something out?

02:30:44 Find a way you find a way maybe you get her some social services

02:30:47 Maybe you get her on some welfare lord knows you pay taxes for it, right?

02:30:50 Maybe you get her some apprenticeship job like maybe you get her something. Maybe you get her to a doctor

02:30:55 To deal with these period pains like just do something to help her

02:30:59 It doesn't matter if that doesn't mean that you end up in some lifelong relationship

02:31:02 There's things that you can do other than screaming at you and kicking you guys out half, right?

02:31:07 Yeah

02:31:09 So your mother should be focused on that

02:31:11 Your mother cracked your heart and fucking two over 200 quid a month

02:31:17 She took a battering ram to your first serious adult relationship

02:31:29 for pennies

02:31:31 Which is for nothing for nothing

02:31:35 Didn't need the money and she wastes more than that on shoes for sure. Yeah

02:31:41 And you had to grovel and apologize to her and you're back

02:31:49 Am I really maybe once you there

02:31:54 Sorry the girl I was with I do genuinely really fucking miss her

02:31:58 I can't hear you. Sorry. Sorry. I said the girl I was with I just I miss her so much

02:32:03 But mom got angry the girl and you acted out mom's anger am I wrong? No, yes, that's right

02:32:21 So you don't want that to be happening again, do you

02:32:24 And your mom as far as I understand it

02:32:30 Has never seen anything wrong with anything she did

02:32:33 Or has ever done other than some vague. Maybe I should do better x y and z right? Yeah, that's about it. All right

02:32:40 So you have to think

02:32:48 Am I worth something? Yes, I am. What do I want? What are my standards? What are my values?

02:32:53 So you have to be in relationships with people

02:32:55 Who think of your needs as well as you thinking of their needs now, who is it in your life?

02:32:59 Who thinks deeply about what you need and how to provide it to you?

02:33:15 The closest I can say is that is my mom's current boyfriend because he's the nicest but I

02:33:21 I don't really know

02:33:24 And did your mother's current boyfriend know anything about what your mother was doing last year?

02:33:29 I can assume so but I I didn't I didn't okay, so if

02:33:35 if your mother and your

02:33:38 Her boyfriend have a good relationship. Then she should have told him now if she's telling him i'm

02:33:44 i'm demanding

02:33:45 rent

02:33:47 From my son's first girlfriend

02:33:49 What would a decent boyfriend say to her

02:33:56 What would a decent boyfriend say to your mother

02:34:08 Who's willing to scream at the top of her lungs at you for an hour over 200 bucks a month?

02:34:13 well

02:34:15 Calm the fuck down for a start cut them some slack and try what are you fucking crazy?

02:34:19 You're gonna throw you're gonna put your entire relationship

02:34:21 With your son on the line

02:34:24 For 200 quid a month, are you crazy? What are you doing?

02:34:27 Chill the fuck out

02:34:31 I mean he just lost his dad because his dad was an asshole. Yeah, don't also be an asshole

02:34:40 You

02:34:42 Whoa

02:34:48 Not the right goal for him. It's like lady you're on your 18th fucking boyfriend

02:34:52 Oh, she's had quite a few. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I get it

02:34:55 so maybe you know, you don't have the greatest credibility when it comes to

02:35:00 choosing people

02:35:02 She told me once when she was drunk as well. I think she was a little bit drunk. Um

02:35:07 The night she split up with the boyfriend. She'd had 15 years. She kind of just hooked up for a guy

02:35:10 um

02:35:12 As for what they did, I don't know but

02:35:14 God god help you ever knowing right? Yeah, so

02:35:18 So I don't I don't view the boyfriend as great because he would have mediated this right he would have stuck up for you

02:35:25 You know man to man help a brother out, right?

02:35:28 And if your mother is this selfish there's no way she's going to have an assertive boyfriend

02:35:36 Who's actually going to help her son because what would she do with an assertive boyfriend?

02:35:40 She'd kick him to the curb, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't I don't see him as assertive around her

02:35:47 Okay, so no he's he's useless. He's used as useful to you as tits on a ball

02:35:52 Yeah, are you worth something

02:36:04 You

02:36:06 Yeah, and of course you are of course you are and i'm sorry

02:36:13 That

02:36:17 Just about everybody has acted otherwise in your life for that you have my absolute

02:36:21 deepest

02:36:23 And most humble sympathies my brother

02:36:25 I really do i'm so sympathetic

02:36:30 That having been said you got to stop this cringing

02:36:34 Yeah

02:36:37 Nobody is coming to serve your needs. You're just going to have to find a way to do it yourself

02:36:41 And other people are going to kick and scream I sympathize with that

02:36:45 Let him

02:36:47 It's not your job

02:37:00 Yeah, that's that's all I really want right now in life, right

02:37:04 So

02:37:14 Let me let me let me offer you this. I mean, I don't know if you've have you ever done talk therapy before

02:37:18 No, this this is the first time the closest thing i've ever done to something like that. Yeah. Yeah

02:37:23 I mean i'm not a therapist but

02:37:25 Listen, I would strongly recommend talk therapy if you're low on cash and I get your young working man and all that

02:37:31 I'd be happy to kick in some money for you to go and see a talk therapist because look

02:37:36 This is this is tough stuff to work with

02:37:39 I've been there. Listen, you understand I was not born with a spine. I mean, I I i'm right there in the trenches with you

02:37:45 And I still of course

02:37:46 Fail with regards to assertiveness from time to time. So this is after you know a long time of working on it

02:37:52 So I don't want you to feel like you're left behind or you're lost behind or anything

02:37:57 You're you're further ahead at your age than I was

02:37:59 so, you know be proud of that and and

02:38:02 Feel good about that that you're confronting these issues in your mid-20s is fantastic

02:38:08 I mean honestly, I know it doesn't feel fantastic right now, but it really is

02:38:12 So I would make a strong recommendation to find a good talk therapist probably, you know

02:38:16 Maybe a man would be would be great somebody who's not, you know, softie wokie, whatever, right?

02:38:21 But and and if you can pay for it great if you're having trouble pay for it

02:38:24 You can you know, ping me and i'll i'll send you some cash and and you can work

02:38:27 With that but yeah

02:38:29 That would be that would be my suggestion because you of course you're worth you're worth an enormous amount man

02:38:33 Anybody who listens to this show is my brother or my sister and and everybody who's into philosophy is my brother or my sister

02:38:38 And you are worth

02:38:40 An enormous amount just for listening for having this kind of conversation

02:38:43 So

02:38:46 That would be my suggestion. See if you can get into some talk therapy and

02:38:49 You know start squirreling some money away save save save right so you can say oh well

02:38:53 I live with my mom's like save some money then save some money. Don't spend it on frivolities

02:38:56 I'm, not saying you do but save your money like crazy and don't be dependent upon everyone else as to when you get your own place

02:39:02 That's your choice. That's your will

02:39:05 Yeah, no, I I really I do I really do appreciate the offer I I don't know how much

02:39:12 Those little places cost i've not really seriously considered it before but I do have a few few grand

02:39:16 now stuffed away

02:39:19 Probably yeah, it probably is a worthwhile thing

02:39:22 To to look into but yeah, just that fundamental thing. I'm worth something and other people who disagree

02:39:30 Sorry

02:39:33 But yeah, I mean like I'm worth something and if you don't agree like

02:39:38 okay, I mean i'm not gonna fight you but

02:39:41 I don't have any interest in that but yeah stuff, right

02:39:45 Yeah

02:39:47 so therapy was something my

02:39:49 girlfriend at the time recommended as well and

02:39:51 I don't even seriously consider it, right?

02:39:54 It can be great if you get the right person and you know, yeah

02:39:58 You know, there's a lot of the woke stuff going on, but you know, i'm sure you can find someone but yeah

02:40:02 Be skeptical and make sure that it's someone you really connect with but that would be my strong suggestion

02:40:06 and you know just again, I mean

02:40:09 a big hug and and you know massive sympathies

02:40:11 for what you went through and and everything that's in a sense been taken from you, but

02:40:17 You can end up in an incredibly great and strong place as a result of that and I feel very strongly that that will happen

02:40:23 Yeah

02:40:26 Honestly, thank you. Yeah, you're very welcome man. Will you keep me posted?

02:40:29 I will yeah, I will and I I yeah, the only other thing I was thinking is I just I just

02:40:35 I was almost wondering if I wanted to like

02:40:40 Well, I do but if me and my now ex could ever work things out

02:40:44 Despite how I left everything. Well, here's the thing. You know, there's there's that magical beautiful thing that you can do

02:40:50 Is you can contact her?

02:40:53 Yeah

02:40:54 And just be like hey, you know, whatever happens

02:40:56 I absolutely should not have left it that way

02:41:00 That was totally the wrong thing to do

02:41:03 I'm buying you another phone

02:41:05 Like no matter what happens

02:41:07 No matter what happens. This isn't like hey, if you want to talk i'd love to talk. This is not right, but

02:41:13 I I did it the wrong way. I'm, really sorry I

02:41:15 Crumbled before my mom's anger. I'm not proud of it

02:41:19 But i'm gonna do what I can i'm really going to apologize because for her

02:41:24 Seeing somebody take responsibility and make some restitution probably would be a great thing

02:41:28 And it's great for

02:41:31 Just the conscience to to do that, right?

02:41:33 I mean, I don't look I don't know everything that happened and all of that

02:41:36 So you but i'm sure that there are things that you regret and just you know

02:41:39 Be honest with her and say listen, I really regret this. This was the wrong

02:41:42 Thing to do this is the wrong approach and uh his i'm gonna make it up to you

02:41:47 Without expectation like and therefore you've got to have lunch with me or whatever, right? But if you contact her with just

02:41:52 apologies and restitution

02:41:56 That's a very powerful thing. I don't know where it leads because that's her free will but uh, that's something I would

02:42:01 It's probably a good thing to do. I think yeah, I mean I was I was

02:42:05 Just throughout the relationship. I was quite

02:42:07 I

02:42:09 Could have been more present in the moment for sure I can say all of that and here's the thing too

02:42:14 When you the the beautiful thing about apologizing to others

02:42:17 Is you then start expecting apologies from others?

02:42:21 Because you can't really expect others to apologize to you except maybe parents if you never apologize to them

02:42:28 So when you take ownership of something you did that's wrong, which we've all done, right?

02:42:32 If you take ownership for what you've done, that's wrong and you make apologies and you make restitution

02:42:37 Then when other people don't do that

02:42:39 It's really liberating because you know what needs to be done and you know, you've done it yourself

02:42:43 So you have a good conscience that way and then if people are just self-righteous and won't apologize and won't take ownership and so on

02:42:48 Yeah, then you know that and it's very liberating

02:42:52 So it's really beneficial to you to apologize because then it becomes an expectation for others

02:42:56 Yeah, exactly. You expect it from other people. We become more aware of it and then you can just easily filter out the people

02:43:05 Right, okay, so I do I do i'm afraid I do have to boot but yeah, I do want to thank you for the call

02:43:09 Uh, you did fantastically by the way, I know probably it feels a little frustrating sometimes but that's you know

02:43:14 We we got through and we connected and that's you know, the great and you did a just a wonderful wonderful job

02:43:20 So I hope that you'll keep me posted. I really do. Thank you for the call today

02:43:22 I'll do my best. Thank you. Just thank you very much for everything. You're welcome, brother. Take care. Bye

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