00:00 What got you banned from Bumble?
00:01 - I don't know.
00:02 - I never believe the person doesn't know.
00:04 Why did I get blocked by this person?
00:05 You know.
00:06 Hi, I'm Jared Freed and I'm gonna be roasting
00:08 your dating profiles for Cosmo.
00:12 I am qualified to have an opinion on dating.
00:16 I have experience in being on the male side of it
00:19 for sadly 20 years.
00:22 That's crazy.
00:23 All right, let's get into these dating profiles.
00:26 Okay, first up is Alexandra, 36, San Francisco.
00:29 On camera, fitness coach.
00:31 Dating intentions, long-term relationship.
00:33 Surprise, surprise, a woman looking for a long-term
00:36 relationship on Dating App.
00:38 This is so quirky and interesting.
00:39 Let's take a look at Alexandra's photos.
00:42 First photo, good.
00:44 She's full body, she's smiling, it's bright.
00:47 She's got the leg kick up like she's in a rom-com
00:50 and just made out with the lead.
00:51 It's a good lead picture.
00:52 Second picture, covering her face with a phone.
00:55 Not a good picture.
00:56 She's in a dressing room.
00:57 I don't need to see you in a Filene's basement.
00:59 It also doesn't give me anything to talk about.
01:01 What am I gonna talk about?
01:02 Did the clothes fit?
01:03 Third picture, again, can't see her face.
01:07 We are far away.
01:09 We're painting a life a little bit, which is good,
01:12 but it didn't really do much considering the first two.
01:15 Another picture, her with the balls out at Burning Man
01:18 or something.
01:19 I'd look at this, I'd be like, ugh, a lot of standing.
01:21 We gotta go places.
01:23 I gotta dance to techno.
01:25 But again, no face.
01:26 I still don't know really what she looks like.
01:29 I just know that she likes oysters
01:31 and she goes to festivals that I don't wanna be at.
01:33 Okay, so here are her prompts.
01:35 Are you a dog person?
01:36 Because.
01:37 If you don't like dogs, then I don't like you.
01:39 Saying I love dogs is as good as saying I love vanilla.
01:42 You're not really giving me a personality.
01:44 It's an easy opinion to have.
01:46 So you haven't really weeded anyone out
01:48 to me with that prompt.
01:50 Typical Sunday.
01:51 Now that it's football season, football and laundry.
01:53 You're kinda being like a little bit pick me girl.
01:56 Like I love football and laundry.
01:58 Like I don't go out all the time, but I love Eli Manning.
02:02 My greatest strength, showing up for people.
02:05 Oh God, I show up for everybody.
02:09 Let me tell you how good I am to all my friends.
02:14 No one cares.
02:16 You might get a response to that.
02:17 You probably won't.
02:18 It won't be the truth.
02:19 Because this isn't the truth.
02:21 It's what you wanna sound like.
02:22 It's just not who you are.
02:23 My overall takeaway from Alexandra's profile,
02:25 it's fine.
02:26 It's swipable.
02:27 I just don't think it's helpful to Alexandra.
02:30 Our next profile is Maxwell.
02:31 Maxwell's 28, Brooklyn, New York.
02:33 Actor, open to long or short term relationships.
02:37 Every guy.
02:38 Open along.
02:39 I'll do short.
02:40 If I have to.
02:41 If we gotta go down on each other and then move on.
02:44 No!
02:45 Stop asking for what people are looking for.
02:47 So here's Maxwell, actor who wants to [beep] in Brooklyn.
02:50 His first picture, it's fine.
02:53 You're wearing a backpack.
02:54 You're just gonna give half the women the ick
02:57 from that just generally.
02:59 Man in a backpack.
03:00 Not really the porn women are watching these days.
03:03 I wouldn't have a backpack in my opening picture.
03:05 I've heard this from my female friends.
03:07 They're not into man in backpack.
03:09 I wear a backpack to the airport.
03:11 I'm okay with not being [beep]able.
03:12 It's okay.
03:13 The next picture, doing a little AC Slater
03:16 at the improv group.
03:17 It does look like you're gonna ask a group of people for,
03:20 say a profession.
03:22 It looks like you're about to look for some improv games.
03:25 The next photo, you're Bilbo Baggins.
03:28 You're at the Shire.
03:30 And then now they're backpack.
03:32 So they can expect a lot of backpack times with you, Maxwell.
03:35 You're active.
03:36 That's good.
03:37 You're not drinking in a bar from a beer bong.
03:40 You're doing the right thing.
03:41 Here's the problem.
03:42 I don't see a full life here.
03:44 Right now I know you act, you wear backpacks,
03:47 and you go outside.
03:49 Okay, let's look at the prompts.
03:50 Dating me is like prefer in person over small talk online.
03:54 Goals is a workout partner, travel buddy,
03:56 and someone I can confide in.
03:58 This is a horrific answer.
04:00 Like I've never wanted to like run away
04:02 from a human more in my life.
04:04 I don't like that someone took the prompt
04:06 and didn't play with the prompt.
04:07 Like he went into his goals.
04:09 No, we asked you what dating you was like.
04:11 It seems like a nightmare, okay?
04:12 It seems like you're gonna talk down on us about small talk
04:15 and then make me do a HIIT workout with you.
04:18 You'll know I like you if,
04:20 it's pretty obvious if I like you.
04:21 I don't play games.
04:23 Flirting and teasing is fun, but not mind games.
04:26 This is a nothing statement.
04:27 Nobody wants to play games.
04:29 No one's on here, "Oh, I'm the game player.
04:32 "I'm the Riddler.
04:34 "I'm gonna make you wonder if you're (beep)able or not."
04:36 No, my love language is comforting,
04:39 encouragement, humor, physical touch, and support.
04:43 So what, all of them?
04:46 Your love language is every single one.
04:48 Human touch, yeah, I could've told you that too.
04:50 Mine's human touch.
04:51 It's just not you, I know that.
04:53 You had a backpack on, dude.
04:55 Maxwell's profile is just bull (beep).
04:57 It's swipable from a woman who just joined
05:00 Dating Apps today.
05:01 - All right, I'm gonna give you my profile.
05:03 - Are you ready?
05:04 Okay.
05:05 I'll do it right on the spot.
05:09 Okay.
05:12 So I'm sitting here with Amanda, the director.
05:16 It's your profile, this is awkward.
05:18 Everything I gave was with love.
05:20 This is all to make it a better profile.
05:22 Okay, so Amanda, 30, live in Hoboken,
05:25 executive producer, looking for a long-term relationship,
05:28 open to short.
05:29 First picture, bright, full face,
05:32 see exactly who you are right away.
05:33 This is great.
05:34 Second photo, this is very selfie sent to a friend
05:37 pre-date with guy I haven't met yet.
05:40 Third picture, you're out,
05:41 there's a French toast situation going on.
05:44 I like food, so I would mention the food
05:46 if I was to respond to it.
05:47 The person behind you looks like they're contemplating
05:50 whether they should leave New York and move home.
05:54 No one has actually looked like they're having
05:56 a worse time at brunch than the person behind you,
05:59 I have to say.
06:01 Fourth picture, we're at the Taylor Swift movie.
06:03 So this is good, this is conversation.
06:06 The most miserable person right now, in my opinion,
06:08 is someone who has to let people know
06:09 they don't like Taylor Swift.
06:11 Like, okay, you don't like the thing everyone loves,
06:14 like, to be negative on Taylor Swift
06:16 means you're a negative person in general,
06:17 so like, Taylor Swift hater, that's a personality type
06:19 that I would never wanna go out with,
06:20 so you're gonna like dredge those people out,
06:23 which is good.
06:24 Last picture, you're at the VMAs,
06:26 you look great, there we go.
06:28 Things to talk about, what happened at the VMAs,
06:30 who'd you see, did you meet anyone cool,
06:32 those are all good questions.
06:33 So the pictures I think are good,
06:35 other than your friend who might be looking
06:36 to make a job change in the brunch picture.
06:40 Okay, so let's go to the prompts.
06:42 Give me your honest opinion about my hinge profile,
06:44 I guess you let everyone review your hinge profile,
06:46 I wouldn't do that.
06:47 I want your honest opinion about nothing about me.
06:50 You're braver than me, is what I'm saying.
06:52 I recently discovered that the Pirates of the Caribbean
06:55 movie is actually based on the Disney ride, not vice versa.
06:59 Okay, I don't know what I say to this.
07:01 I would be like, that's crazy, right?
07:03 Like, what could I say?
07:06 To me, the ride is the worst ride at Disney,
07:09 but we've all been on it, so I guess I would talk about
07:11 how the ride stinks, the movies are great.
07:13 I don't know where it gets us.
07:15 The key to my heart is refilling the Brita.
07:18 I'm not into this, again, this is Millennial Mad Libs.
07:21 We've heard the joke, we've seen the joke,
07:23 I don't fill it, I'll drink from the sink,
07:25 like a pig at the hose, like okay, that's me.
07:29 I could respond to this, but it's just nothing to me.
07:31 That's not an important thing to your life.
07:33 I'm convinced that Bumble has it out for me.
07:36 I guess this produces questions.
07:38 This goes down a road of negativity.
07:40 All you're gonna do is get another negative person
07:42 who hates Bumble, or that maybe was kicked off of Bumble
07:46 for some reason that's horrific.
07:48 What got you banned from Bumble?
07:51 - I don't know.
07:51 - Ah, I never believed that.
07:54 I never believed the person doesn't know,
07:55 why did I get blocked by this person?
07:57 You know, why are you kicked off of Bumble?
07:59 Ah, I don't know, I guess I was too pretty.
08:02 Amanda, you do have a swipable profile.
08:06 The pictures are great, your prompts could use
08:09 more vulnerability, less negativity,
08:12 and I think that would put you in a place to judge others
08:15 instead of you getting judged.
08:18 Okay, so now I have to build my own dating profile.
08:21 Name, Jared Freed, age 38, location,
08:25 New York City, occupation, comedian/boardlord.
08:30 Boardlord, I give my opinions
08:32 on people's charcuterie boards.
08:33 I'm the boardlord.
08:35 Seeking young, hot, vivacious woman
08:38 who can handle a Jewish mom.
08:40 My first photo will be me, full body shot,
08:45 can see me and all my curves.
08:48 Second photo, it would be me with friends
08:52 or at a friend's event or something amongst other people
08:57 to show that I talk to human beings, which I don't.
09:00 You know, mostly it's just me on my phone at a bar alone.
09:02 Maybe that should be the third picture.
09:04 Me doing what I love most, me at a bar,
09:07 martini on my phone.
09:09 It's weird, they'd be like, "Who took that of you?"
09:11 And I'd be like, "I asked someone,
09:13 "can you take this for me?
09:14 "It's for my dating profile.
09:15 "I'm alone, please."
09:17 Last photo would be me crushing it on the soccer field.
09:21 No.
09:22 [laughs]
09:23 Me eating, that's my athletic activity.
09:26 I'd have to be eating.
09:27 I'd have to be doing something food-related.
09:30 Okay, I'm gonna fill out my prompts.
09:32 My secret talent is having an opinion on everything
09:34 no matter how little I know about it
09:36 or how little I've read about it.
09:38 Currently, my most controversial opinion
09:40 is anyone who orders ravioli at a restaurant
09:43 is the dumbest, least economical person that I've ever met
09:47 and I would never eat a dinner with them.
09:49 You get like five.
09:50 You can't share it.
09:51 It should be a side order.
09:53 It shouldn't be a main.
09:54 And that's my dating profile.
09:56 Dating me is like eating queso dip.
09:57 You're gonna enjoy it in the moment
09:59 and then like an hour later, you're gonna be like,
10:00 "Ugh, why did I just do that?"
10:02 If you want more dating advice
10:04 and reasonable dating talk and conversation,
10:08 go listen to the You Up podcast.
10:10 It's every Wednesday and Sunday on the Betches Network
10:14 and you can watch my Netflix special about being single.
10:18 It's called 37 and Single and it's on Netflix right now.
10:21 You can stream it immediately.
10:23 Go, go watch it.
10:24 [upbeat music]
10:27 ♪ ♪
10:34 ♪ ♪
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