00:00 I was amidst making the album, so every time I would come home I would have just like six
00:03 or seven songs to play them and they would all get so excited and want to hear them.
00:06 This time I was just like, "Ryder, will you come alone to the car with me?"
00:09 And he was like, "You're fucking weird, but sure."
00:11 I played him the song and I was just nervous.
00:13 So he listened to the whole thing and at the end of it I kind of looked at him for the
00:18 first time and he was just trying to not let me see his face so hard and I just caught
00:22 like a tear roll down his face.
00:24 I decided to write this song a long time ago mentally.
00:33 I have always wanted to write a song for my brother, but I feel like I haven't been able
00:37 to articulate the things that I wanted to until recent years.
00:42 That's been with therapy, even with writing my book.
00:44 I feel like I was able to discuss a lot of things I maybe wasn't ready to in years past.
00:48 So this was a song I've always wanted to write, but wasn't able to until recently.
00:52 I grew up in the same house, so I know why you lash out.
01:01 Oh, I understand you more than you think I do.
01:09 Cracks in the window, castles in pillows, and all of the places I built us to hide.
01:22 I really wanted to establish where we are in the story.
01:28 I really wanted people to listen to this and have this vision in their head.
01:31 I just wanted to also make it clear to the listener that this is about my brother, my
01:35 little brother, sort of childlike, playful, whatever.
01:39 And I think that Cracks in the Window, Castles in Pillows felt so childlike and playful and
01:43 fairy tale-esque.
01:44 And then yeah, I wanted to say, "And all the places I built us to hide," because as much
01:47 as I wanted it to feel like this fairy tale, cute sort of thing, it wasn't necessarily
01:52 always positive.
01:53 When you're 11 or 10 years old, your little sibling is just the most annoying person in
02:12 the world to you, at least he was to me.
02:14 And I just have vivid memories of having my friends over.
02:16 He would try to come in my room and hang out with us, and I would just always be like,
02:19 "Get out of my fucking room.
02:20 Get out of my room."
02:21 Now, as I'm older, I just picture him alone in his room while I'm hanging out with my
02:26 friends and just not caring or thinking about including him.
02:29 And that breaks my fucking heart in ways that I can't even describe.
02:32 But I also, obviously, I was an evil child.
02:35 I just was like, "My little brother's annoying."
02:37 I got signed when I was 12 years old.
02:53 And Ryder was nine.
02:54 He was nine years old and didn't really have much of a choice.
02:57 It was kind of just like, "Oh my gosh, your sister, her dreams came true.
03:01 Let's all support her and go to LA and uproot your life."
03:04 Now looking back, there's so many things that happened that shouldn't have.
03:08 He moved middle school alone like four times.
03:11 He was in high school, then he got pulled out to be homeschooled with me.
03:14 Then he was back in a regular school.
03:15 Then he moved back to New York.
03:16 He was just really trying to figure out where he belongs in this world.
03:20 And I feel like I maybe made that worse for him.
03:25 Just two kids caught in the crossfire.
03:33 Just close your eyes.
03:36 I know you're so tired.
03:40 Just kids, you and I.
03:44 I know it's hard sometimes.
03:48 But you'll be alright.
03:52 And we'll be alright.
03:54 I think that we all are big kids that are just going through life.
03:57 And you can describe life as crossfire.
04:00 And you're always trying to dodge and figure out what's going on.
04:02 I just didn't want to harp on that for too long on the chorus.
04:05 I wanted it to just be like, me being a big sister, just close your eyes.
04:09 I know you're tired.
04:10 I love you and everything's going to be okay.
04:11 It was kind of the main sentiment that I wanted to have there.
04:15 You're going to be fine and we'll be alright.
04:16 I'm going to be alright.
04:17 When I've been going through my own personal mental health journey and I've been coming
04:35 to peace with my own things, I then have been like, "How can I come to peace with how those
04:40 things affected other people?"
04:42 And Ryder was someone who I think was in the closest range to be affected by all of it.
04:46 And so, yeah, it's been difficult.
04:48 But I think that this ... I was going to say bar.
04:52 I don't want to say the word bar.
04:54 But this bar is really like, I don't know, I guess just me acknowledging.
05:00 Me just being like, "I know we don't speak about this, but I know that you had years
05:04 of your life that were stolen because I did, which means that you certainly did.
05:07 And you should have been by my side through all of it and I shouldn't have left you to
05:11 figure it out on your own.
05:12 And I'm sorry for that."
05:13 I wanted it to tie back in.
05:31 I wanted to make it clear that now he is my shoulder to cry.
05:35 He is someone I lean on and vice versa.
05:38 I feel just so lucky to be close to him and I feel so grateful that we've been able to
05:41 work through some of the hard things that I wasn't sure we would come out of.
05:45 And I'm very lucky to be his sister.
06:10 This bridge was just important because I was like, "I want to wrap this up in a way that
06:15 shows that I can make peace with the past and I can be okay with what has happened.
06:18 And we can acknowledge it, I can apologize for it, and then we can put a bow on it and
06:24 send it off."
06:27 With this song being so emotional and about my brother, he still annoys the fuck out of
06:31 me to this day sometimes.
06:32 And we still fight and we're not just like holding hands, skimming down the street.
06:36 I love Ryder.
06:37 I think it's important to note that with songs like this that sound like they're just like,
06:41 "Wow, you must be in such a healed place and you guys are probably just so healthy and
06:44 amazing and..."
06:45 That's not realistic.
06:46 That's not real life.
06:47 So Ryder, I love you.
06:49 You're still fucking annoying.
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