- 6 years ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Betty White in Life With Elizabeth, featuring Del Moore.
00:20The number one in the life of Elizabeth occurred because her husband Alvin got a little overbearing,
00:25as he always does when he's winning a game. The game in this case is ping pong.
00:31Okay, now, if you miss this, it's 21 to nothing.
00:34If you don't mind me saying, you're the world's worst ping pong player.
00:37The game isn't over yet, will you, sir?
00:39Now, don't get nervous. This is my spinner with the English twist.
00:42Are you going to stand there and talk, or are you going to...
00:43There we go. 21 to nothing.
00:45Oh, no. That wasn't fair.
00:47Oh, God.
00:49All is fair in love and ping pong.
00:51And by the way, when I come back from getting some water, I'll play with my left hand, okay?
00:54Are you bad.
00:58Elizabeth, are you going to let him get away with that?
01:02What are you going to do?
01:05Those are castanets, uh-huh.
01:11I heard it, but I didn't see it.
01:14Do it again.
01:17I get it. You don't serve the ball at all.
01:21Uh-oh. Look out. Here he comes.
01:24Okay. Ready for another beating?
01:27Sure, darling. It's fun to lose to you. You're such a good sport.
01:30Honey, I just don't believe in pampering people when they're playing a game and losing. That's all.
01:35Just you remember that.
01:37Yeah, okay.
01:38Okay. You ready?
01:39I'm ready.
01:40Okay.
01:44One for me.
01:45Okay. All set?
01:46Ready?
01:54Say, honey, do you mind if we change sides? The sun came up a little. It's right in the peak of the eye here.
01:59Oh, sure, darling. Sure. I think the table's a little shorter here, too.
02:02Oh, did you notice that, too? It's still a bit short.
02:05All right. Y'all ready?
02:06Ready.
02:11Can you take criticism?
02:13Naturally.
02:14I think you pinged when you should have pawned.
02:18Come on. I'll get it back to you this time.
02:20No, come on. You get up here where you were. I think the wind changed.
02:24Oh, really?
02:26Okay. Y'all set?
02:27All set.
02:28Ready?
02:29Ready.
02:30Good ball.
02:31I got it back.
02:32Uh-huh.
02:44That's a high one.
02:46I didn't know I knocked it that high.
02:50Here it comes.
02:56The score is now seven to nothing.
02:58Honey, let me shake your hand. You played a terrific game.
03:01Oh, it wasn't me, sweetie. It's just...
03:08Anybody?
03:13How do you explain this?
03:15Loose knuckles.
03:21And now, shall we try it without the tricks, Elizabeth?
03:25Okay, I'll get another paddle.
03:29Okay, ready?
03:30I am ready.
03:31All set to go?
03:32Ready.
03:33Okay.
03:44Shall we have another go at it, Elizabeth?
03:47Okay.
03:50All set?
03:51Set.
03:52Ready?
03:53Just a moment.
03:54For some reason, I don't trust you any longer.
03:56Would you be kind enough to bounce the ball on the table?
03:59Why, honey, it's only...
04:00Bounce the ball on the table.
04:02Nothing.
04:03Bounce the ball.
04:25She'll leave you disappointed, Elizabeth.
04:27At times, life with you becomes very exhausting.
04:30Good afternoon.
04:33Elizabeth, aren't you ashamed?
04:41Well, into the number two in the life of Elizabeth, the current last winter.
04:45As I recall it, Alvin was awakened by the sound of rain on the roof and couldn't get back to sleep.
04:52Well, the rain on the roof awakened Elizabeth, too, but she couldn't get back to sleep for a different reason.
04:58You see, Alvin had just finished fixing the roof with his own two clumsy hands.
05:40Oh, boy.
06:08Oh, boy.
06:35What's wrong?
06:37Your hair looks...
06:39Hair looks a little bit like a porcupine.
06:47Couldn't sleep.
06:49I mean, either.
06:52Now, wait a minute. I was...
06:55I can see that for myself.
06:57Why don't you...
06:59Oh, I just...
07:02What did you say?
07:04Huh?
07:05I don't remember.
07:11Funny thing about sleep.
07:13What is?
07:15It makes you sleepy.
07:18You're a clever girl, Elizabeth.
07:25You missed.
07:27I'm tired.
07:29You come on over here and collect.
07:35You owe me one.
07:44Why would you take it easy? That's only thunder.
07:49Well, I don't mind thunder as much as I do lightning.
08:02Honey, if this storm gets much worse, maybe we'd better go down in the basement.
08:05If lightning's gonna hit us, it's gonna hit us no matter where you hide.
08:08Yeah, but like I always say, if it's gonna hit us, let it look for us.
08:14Look, come eat your sandwich, will you? Please sit down.
08:20I see you put on some hot water. What do you want, coffee or tea?
08:25Surprise me.
08:29See, I feel pretty wide awake now.
08:31I might even think of a joke.
08:33Don't force yourself.
08:36Boy, I'm telling you, honey, this is really raining.
08:41Never mind, darling. It smells like coffee.
08:46Sweetheart.
08:47Look, honey, I love you and everything else, but no jokes.
08:49It's four o'clock in the morning.
08:57Hey, you want some of this cake?
08:59What kind is it?
09:01I think it's marble cake.
09:04No, thanks.
09:06I'll take it for granted.
09:11Why are you here looking to use the salad as dressing?
09:16Instead of being so hilarious over a couple of bad puns,
09:19why don't you congratulate me for fixing the roof?
09:28Alvin.
09:29If you say one word about puns and coffee,
09:31I'll see my solicitor first thing in the morning.
09:36Tell your solicitor to give my regards to your brother-nerd.
09:42Honey, not another person would say a thing like that but you.
09:46But I'll be honest, I do.
09:49Did I tell you that I fixed the roof?
09:51I'm trying to forget it.
09:54It is cozy.
09:56Hey, can I tell a joke?
09:58Of course, darling. I love your sense of humor.
10:00This will kill you.
10:02This fella goes into the restaurant and he says,
10:04Waiter, bring me a bowl of soup.
10:06And he says, and he brought the soup before and he says,
10:08Waiter, I can't eat this. I can't eat this bowl of soup.
10:11This here comes the funny part.
10:13So the waiter brought him another bowl of soup
10:15and he says, Hey, waiter.
10:16He says, I can't eat this bowl of soup either.
10:18What's the matter, honey? Didn't he have a spoon?
10:24Something wrong?
10:26That was the punch line.
10:33Some rain.
10:35Seriously, sweetie, I'm glad you did fix the roof.
10:38Yeah, me too.
10:44Alvin, don't splash the coffee.
10:47How can you splash coffee?
10:51Elizabeth, are you eating grapefruit?
10:57Alvin, the roof is leaking.
11:01Well, so I missed one little spot.
11:04Better get a pan.
11:06A pan, yeah. I'll get one.
11:10Here.
11:11After all, you know, this is quite a storm, isn't it?
11:14We're not blaming you, darling.
11:27I don't know about you, but I'm still hungry.
11:29Me too.
11:31Pass the bread, sweetie.
11:33Never mind the dish, just fingers.
11:39Leaked over here too.
11:44I'm going to put a glass under it.
11:49Well, after all, I'm entitled to two little mistakes.
11:52Alvin, I didn't say one word about the roof.
11:55$395.
11:57Bread's not very expensive.
11:59Would have been cheaper to buy a blotter.
12:07Pass the jam.
12:11Alvin.
12:12What?
12:13My bedroom slipper's just floated away.
12:17The house is a leak over there. I'll get something to put under it.
12:21Well, put the dish pan under it.
12:23Yeah, I will.
12:26Are you still hungry?
12:29I'm going to finish if I have to eat shredding water.
12:34Here's another one.
12:35Oh, I'll get it.
12:48Listen to that.
12:50How many holes did you drill in the roof?
12:52Why don't we go in the other room?
12:55Because I think I just saw the piano float by.
12:59Now, stop exaggerating.
13:03All we need is a steam whistle and we'd have a calliope.
13:09You better empty some of these.
13:11Be right back.
13:12And don't sell any peanuts while I'm gone.
13:15Don't leave me here.
13:16Honey, I can't swim. Don't...
13:19Oh, gosh. Now I'm running.
13:21Honey, that's bad luck.
13:23I'm more hungry than I am superstitious.
13:26Here.
13:27But, honey...
13:49Incident number three in the life of Elizabeth
13:51occurred on a certain evening a year or two ago.
13:55I'm sorry I can't be more specific as to the date and time,
13:58but I'm sure the vacuum cleaner salesman will never forget it
14:02as long as he lives.
14:06Finished the book yet, honey?
14:08One paragraph to go.
14:12Can't wait to see what you think of it.
14:13That's my favorite mystery story.
14:15Honey, would you please let me finish?
14:18Excuse me. Go ahead.
14:28Finished yet?
14:30Honey, I've read the same sentence five times.
14:33Would you please be quiet?
14:36Must be a long paragraph.
14:41You mad at me?
14:42Nope.
14:43I'm finished, in spite of you.
14:46What did you think of it?
14:47I think it was absolutely awful.
14:51How can you say that?
14:53That woman's one of the cleverest authors I've ever come across.
14:56Look, women and men are two different things.
14:58You can't compare them.
15:00You can't compare them.
15:02She's one of the cleverest authors I've ever come across.
15:05Look, women should never be allowed to write mysteries.
15:08They don't have any judgment when it comes to things like distances.
15:11You know.
15:12Besides, she based the whole solution of the story on a physical impossibility.
15:16Do you mean where she has Madeline hit Oakley with a pipe nine feet long?
15:20Exactly.
15:21I'm surprised you even noticed it.
15:23Elizabeth, do you have any idea how long nine feet is?
15:26Sure.
15:28It's about like that.
15:30That's about three feet.
15:33Elizabeth, do you know how long a yard is?
15:37Well, ours is about 50 feet wide from the hedge over to the fence.
15:42I'd say it'd be...
15:43Will you stop trying to be silly?
15:45Nine feet is about from...
15:47Well, from about here to the wall over there.
15:51It is not.
15:53And I can prove it.
15:54Stand up here.
15:55Come here.
15:56Funny.
15:58Look.
15:59There's four feet right there.
16:03Elizabeth, will you go stand over by the door?
16:05I want to show you how stupid your friend is.
16:07Stand right over there.
16:09There.
16:10Now, do you think you could hit me with a pipe from over there?
16:14Well, sure.
16:17You gotta promise not to duck.
16:19Elizabeth.
16:21She didn't throw the pipe.
16:22She just hit him with it from nine feet away.
16:26Well, this is a short stem.
16:30She hit him with a gas pipe.
16:33I thought you said you read the book.
16:35I did.
16:36I think you're just being mean.
16:38Honey, I'm only trying to point out that a woman couldn't hit a man with a pipe nine feet long.
16:44She couldn't even lift it.
16:46She could, too.
16:47Oh, honey.
16:48Look, wait a minute.
16:50Listen to this.
16:51Here's the place.
16:53I think.
16:54Here.
16:56Now, Madeline quietly lifted a nine foot length of pipe that happened to be in the living room and bashed Oakley across it.
17:04Mama, this may sound like a silly question, but do you think a woman could lift a gas pipe that's nine feet long and hit a man with it?
17:15Oh, well, Alvin and I were just having a little argument.
17:19No.
17:20No, Mama.
17:21I don't want to hit Alvin.
17:23She says, why don't I get a one foot pipe and hit you nine times?
17:28You might tell her that I love her, too.
17:30Look.
17:31No.
17:32No, Mama.
17:34No, Alvin says a woman couldn't even lift the pipe.
17:37That's right.
17:38Uh-huh.
17:41Okay.
17:42Okay, I'll tell him.
17:44Bye.
17:46She says she doesn't know about most women, but she could lift a nine foot stove pipes and all.
17:51With a 17 pound turkey in the oven.
17:54She didn't say that and you know it.
17:57Of course not, but she read the book, too, and she says it's perfectly logical.
18:02Look, I'll call Harry and prove it.
18:04That won't do any good, honey.
18:06I could call Janie and prove it my way, too.
18:10What we need is an impartial observer.
18:13Yeah, I guess you're right, honey.
18:15Hmm.
18:18Hmm.
18:19Alvin?
18:20Hmm?
18:23Who do we know who doesn't know either one of us?
18:26You're not going to get out of this by being funny.
18:28Come over here a minute.
18:29Let me get this to you once and for all.
18:31Now, look.
18:32From about here to that door is about nine feet.
18:36Now, can't you see it would be an impossibility to hit anyone that far away with a gas pipe?
18:41I realize all that, Alvin.
18:43But she's such a brilliant author, I'm sure she's right.
18:45Oh, honey.
18:46Now, look.
18:47Suppose the pipe was nine feet long.
18:49It's an...
18:51I'll get it.
18:57Yes?
18:58I'm sure you don't want to buy a vacuum cleaner, do you?
19:03I'm afraid not.
19:04You see, I...
19:07Wait a minute.
19:08Don't you go away.
19:09Just one minute.
19:13Alvin.
19:14Hmm?
19:15I think we have our impartial observer.
19:16Well, good.
19:17Show him in.
19:18I'm going to prove this once and for all now to you that...
19:21Come right in.
19:22Oh, thank you.
19:27I'll put the stuff down right over here.
19:30Dig the crazy mixed-up luggage.
19:33Look, will you stop being silly and remember why he's here?
19:35I'm going to prove my point to you.
19:36Honey, the least we can do is listen to what he has to say.
19:39He's entitled to that much.
19:44Uh...
19:45Won't you sit down, Mr...
19:47Matt Adelberry.
19:49Matt Adelberry?
19:51Well, we believe in first names around this house, Mr. Berry.
19:54This is Alvin, and I'm Elizabeth.
19:57And, Alvin, this is Matt Adel.
20:00No, it's two words.
20:02Matt Adelberry.
20:04Oh.
20:05You said it kind of fast.
20:07You're thinking a little slow.
20:09Mr. Adelberry, sit down.
20:10I'd like to get your opinion on the weight of a gas pipe.
20:12Nine feet...
20:14Well, don't you want to hear about the vacuum cleaner?
20:19Oh, well, of course.
20:20Go right ahead and tell us.
20:23Well, I wouldn't want you to think that a vacuum cleaner is a machine to clean vacuums.
20:29You know, so many people make that mistake.
20:33Would you like to hear an anecdote?
20:36Do I?
20:39Oh, of course.
20:40Of course.
20:42Well, I...
20:43Once I worked for the Polecat Manufacturing Company.
20:46What did they do? Manufacture polecats?
20:49There's a real...
20:51No, they made spray guns.
20:56Well, I called on this old lady one day,
20:58and I told her I was selling spray guns,
21:01and she wanted to know if she bought one,
21:03if she needed to buy a hunting permit.
21:07Isn't that comical?
21:12Would you care to demonstrate the machine?
21:15Yeah, a nine-foot...
21:16Oh, yes.
21:20Now, this won't take but a minute.
21:24Now, this is the extension.
21:26It's a pipe about three feet long.
21:32Don't do that.
21:33Don't do that.
21:35See, and we put it on like this.
21:37And if we want it longer, then we add another one.
21:43Alvin, look at this.
21:45Now, that's a pipe putting it three feet long,
21:48and it's light as a feather.
21:49Elizabeth, it's not a gas pipe. They're heavy.
21:52Here it is.
21:55There.
21:56Now, if we want it any longer, then we add a third.
22:00Now, look.
22:01You put the two of them together,
22:03and it's still light as a feather.
22:05Look, honey, if they were gas pipes,
22:07they would weigh at least 20 pounds.
22:09Got it?
22:12See, that's a third.
22:13Now, then, if we want it longer,
22:15we put on some more, you see?
22:16Notice how long it's getting now.
22:24Look.
22:25One finger.
22:26Now, then, we put the brush on like this, see?
22:28Now we're ready to clean our ceiling.
22:38You folks have awful high ceilings.
22:41Something wrong, Mr. Boisenberry?
22:43No.
22:44I thought I added extensions on this.
22:47Look, come here, honey.
22:48I've got an idea.
22:49Come over here.
22:50Come here.
22:51Stand right here.
22:52Don't talk too loud, darling.
22:53He's concentrating.
22:54Now, look.
22:55Let's say that you're Madeline,
22:57and that he's Oakley,
22:58and you're going to crush his skull.
23:01I'm not going to crush his skull.
23:05I'm going to fracture his clavicle.
23:09Look, honey, just the same,
23:11I say there's not enough room
23:13to swing the pipe.
23:16Look, suppose I do this.
23:18Suppose I just hold it over his head, see?
23:20Yeah.
23:21And then I just drop it.
23:22Mm-hmm.
23:23Now, if it's as heavy as you say it is,
23:24it'll cut him in two.
23:25True.
23:26It'll cut him in two.
23:27Yes, it will.
23:29Hey, wait a minute.
23:30Wait a minute.
23:31Come here.
23:32Come here.
23:33Take it easy.
23:36He thought that we were going to hit him with a pipe.
23:39Oh.
23:40Now.
23:42There.
23:43Now, don't be frightened.
23:44This is just a scene from a book.
23:47Oh.
23:49Well, goodbye anyway.
23:50Now, wait a minute.
23:51Look, I want your opinion on something.
23:52What is it?
23:53Look, do you think that a man can hit a woman
23:55with a pipe, lift a pipe this long,
23:57and hit the guy with it?
23:58Do you think so?
24:00Goodbye.
24:01No, wait.
24:02Seriously, please.
24:03You see, this is a scene in a book.
24:05I say she could lift a pipe like that,
24:07and Alvin says she couldn't.
24:09I think Alvin's right.
24:11You see?
24:12I'm right.
24:13I told you so.
24:16Well, I lose.
24:18Absolutely.
24:19You don't want to buy a vacuum cleaner, do you?
24:22Well, I don't know.
24:23Do you need one, my dear?
24:25Well, yes, I really do.
24:27Oh?
24:28How much are they?
24:29Sixty-one fifty?
24:30Sixty-one fifty.
24:31All righty.
24:32Right, you check.
24:36Right there.
24:41You see?
24:42I didn't think I was going to work
24:43when I was here this afternoon.
24:46There you are, my good man.
24:48There you are, my good man.
24:50Who was here this afternoon?
24:52Alvin, you were so right about that pipe.
24:54Wait a minute, this was a pot.
24:55I have no idea.
24:56This was a pot.
24:57I told you she wasn't going to work.
24:58Well, I just figured we'd get a vacuum cleaner.
24:59I'll give you a vacuum cleaner.
25:00You have to have that.
25:01Sixty-one fifty.
25:02We can get that one for nine ninety-five.
25:03Hey!
25:04That's what you wanted.
25:05Say goodbye to the people.
25:06Goodbye, everybody.
25:07Goodbye, everybody.
25:08Look, now, this is unfair to me.
25:09That's why I didn't win.
25:10I lost.
25:11Goodbye, everybody.
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