13 June 2017 Dear Universe, I am lost at sea at the moment, driven by waves of grief that I cannot control. Something very big and very important has died in my heart, and I am careening from rock to rock, unable to steer my ship. You have always been my lighthouse and I am lost without bearings, like a ship that's lost its rudder. An end-of-loving dream came true again. This time, it was of a harbour burning with every house on fire. That dream was just this morning. Dear Universe, I'm sorry I didn't say anything – as I should have -- when she said, jokingly, that I was merely a “boyfriend for the moment” on Saturday, as we walked briskly with her friend to her friend's party room. She seems to have made a wish, and as usual, the Universe seems to have fulfilled that “request”. My six months together with her was tumultuous except for the last three weeks when I finally discovered why we --- probably and many lovers -- argued. However, that 3-weeks-in-Eden came to an end over her mishandling of my video and her very public rebuke, of me, at council chambers, which in turn became a reason for her to yell out so wildly that people in our household felt alarmed. Near the end of those three weeks, just before the failed video recordings, I felt wonderfully blessed. I was minutes away from telling her that --- during the prior five months --- I am sorry that I wasn't able to stop her argument adrenalin earlier, to which she appears to be addicted and enjoying secretly. I was minutes away from giving her more than unconditional love. My chest pains me now, and I don't know what that means. I do know that when she continues to argue, as in yesterday, photos at city hall showed that my face was old and drawn – unlike my truly happy photos from a previous time with another woman's companionship. Perhaps tellingly, yesterday and during the few days prior, she hardly called me a lover. And while the “harbour burned”, there was no love in her looks, nor her eyes, nor her words so loud. Yet, during those last two days prior, I told her, more than once, that I felt wonderfully blessed with our discovered way of preventing arguments, wanted her to stay with me for the rest of this lifetime, but her response was silence. Dear Universe, thank you for all you've done for me and her during these last six months. I am blessed, protected, free, and suffer no want, and I will live to over a hundred according to people. Dear Universe, she needs your blessings in the future perhaps more than me. In the future, she may not have a room to stay warm at nights, she may not ever find true love to marry, she may never feel the love of a parent, she may never find financial security, she may never bear the children she dreams of, she may never achieve real success, she may never be free of jealousness of my achievements, and as such, the city's award may have triggered something in her, according to my friends; she may never be able to control her yelling-anger because of 15
Category
🛠️
Lifestyle