- 11 years ago
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00:00Hi, I'm Ian and I'm the Lonely Chef.
00:09We have a fabulously funny show for you in the next half an hour.
00:13At the end of the show, there's a number and I want you to...
00:20We interrupt this program to get your attention.
00:24There's something hanging off your face there.
00:29Nothing is what we do best here at the National Tranquilizer, which is a good thing since
00:34we can't get our own time slot.
00:37No one seems to want to tune into anything we have to say and it's not that we don't
00:41have a lot of good gossip about the Lonely Chef to talk about either.
00:45It's our journalistic philosophy that the public deserves to get the news even before
00:50it's verified.
00:51If you have any news tips for us, please call 1-900-RAT-FINK.
00:56Calls cost $10 per minute.
00:58I'm Eliza Lott for the National Tranquilizer, where good news, bad news, or no news, it's
01:03all airtime to us.
01:07Lonely, I've been searching for so long.
01:14Lonely, only hoping you're the one who will change my life and make these dreams come true.
01:28Lonely, time goes on and on.
01:37Lonely, still searching for the one.
01:44I would sail the seven oceans and cross the burning sand.
01:52Till the day I find you, never to be lonely again.
02:23Oh, excuse me if I got a tear in my eye.
02:33I'm so sad.
02:34I was just trying to cheer myself up.
02:36You see, I've been laid off from British intelligence.
02:40Now, I know a lot of people go through this and I've got a whole bunch of skills, you
02:47know, like I spy and I've put a resume out for jobs, you know, like brain surgeons and
02:53astronauts and stuff, but the market seems to be saturated right now and I can't get
02:58any work and I've got some bills to pay, you know.
03:01I've got all my champagne to look after and I'm cooking up some steak later on.
03:07I mean, well, it's annoying.
03:09Well, I've got this beautiful girl who's an employment counselor and she's coming over
03:14and so I've got to pretend to be poor.
03:18I might even have to sell the Rolls Royce.
03:21Anyway, stay tuned and we'll be right back.
03:44Well, you can see that I'm really an emotional man, but, you know, I spare no expense in
03:54buying onions so that I can hold them under my eyes and cry.
03:58Works like a charm.
04:02Oh, I'm such a slime ball.
04:04I just love me to death sometimes.
04:07Anyway, what we're going to do is cook up this wonderful meal for this young lady that's
04:12coming in.
04:13She's an employment counselor and she thinks that I'm really sort of, well, not that well
04:19off and she's going to come over here and try to get me a job and advise me as to what
04:26kind of skills I might be able to utilize in a new job.
04:31And what I've done in order to convince this lady that I have some problems is that I've
04:37got Chris to be my cousin from Arkansas and he's going to make her sweat a little bit
04:45too, I think.
04:46So anyway, why don't we get on with this meal here and start cooking.
04:50Oh, Chris, come on in.
04:53Hey.
04:54Come on in.
05:01Remember, it's not Chris anymore.
05:03It's Phil.
05:05Phil?
05:06Oh, Cousin Phil from Arkansas.
05:07That sounds like a dirt poor name, doesn't it?
05:11Our Cousin Phil.
05:16Cousin Phil.
05:18Cousin Phil.
05:19Not Phillip.
05:20Phil.
05:21Phil.
05:22Or just Ph.
05:23Ph.
05:24That's what they do in Arkansas.
05:25They cut everything short.
05:26Because we're so poor we couldn't afford real names.
05:28Anyway, what we're going to do here is I'm cooking up this meal for this employment counselor
05:33and if you would be Cousin Phil from Arkansas.
05:36That's what I'll be.
05:38Then what we'll do is we'll see if we can't sort of get a little job here and there, you know,
05:45on the, you know, underneath, you know.
05:48I know.
05:49I know.
05:50I know.
05:51Sure.
05:52Okay.
05:53This is how they talk in Arkansas.
05:54Yeah, it doesn't make any sense, does it?
05:56What?
05:57Huh?
05:58I didn't understand you.
05:59Okay.
06:00All right.
06:02All right.
06:03Well, what we're going to do here is get these onions into the pan because we need to do this
06:06and make up this terrific stir fry.
06:09And what we're going to do is do something a little bit different here because we've got some walnut oil.
06:14These walnuts come all the way from Arkansas.
06:17I brought them with me.
06:19What?
06:21The walnuts.
06:22Oh.
06:23Walnut oil.
06:24Oh.
06:25Well, of course you did.
06:26We're going to put this in here and get this nice and hot.
06:28It's about time.
06:30So what's it like in Arkansas?
06:31I've never really sort of been there.
06:33It's cold.
06:35You've got your...
06:36I can't afford a coat, so I brought along a shawl kind of thing.
06:39Good thinking.
06:40Good thinking.
06:41That'll look good when she comes in.
06:42I think so.
06:43That'll look good.
06:44Yeah, that's nice colors on you, Chris.
06:46Oh, Phil.
06:47Phil.
06:48Phil.
06:49There you go.
06:50Oh, almost slipped up there.
06:51I'm amazed that you're going to wear a tuxedo while you're trying to convince this employment
06:54counselor that you work.
06:55No, this isn't my best tuxedo.
06:56This is only my $1,000 one.
06:58I have my usual $10,000 one still hanging out in the bedroom.
07:01Must be awful being poor.
07:03It's incredible.
07:04You know, I got stuck one time.
07:05I was driving my Rolls Royce.
07:06I had no change in my pocket.
07:08I just had notes, you know, about $3,000 or $4,000.
07:11I was lost.
07:12I didn't know what to do.
07:13What did you do?
07:14Well, I got the chauffeur to turn around, go back, get some change.
07:18There you go.
07:19Yeah.
07:20One must have to adjust to the economic times.
07:23All right.
07:25Well, we'll put these onions in here and get these going.
07:28Oh, my gosh.
07:29I just love the sizzle of these babies.
07:31Ooh, didn't sizzle.
07:32Huh, wonder if that's something to do with the walnut oil.
07:35Or maybe it's...
07:37Maybe it's not hot enough.
07:39That's good.
07:40That's a good observation.
07:41Could be.
07:42Good observation.
07:43I think, though, that it's getting hot because I can see the pan starting to turn red hot
07:46down at the bottom.
07:47Now, let me ask you a question, Cousin Ian.
07:50Yes, Cousin Phil.
07:53You're going to be serving T-bone steaks, but you're out of work.
07:57Yes, I thought I'd serve a T-bone steak with a little champagne
08:00and just charm this young lady, you know.
08:02So you've never actually been out of work, have you?
08:05Not really, no.
08:07Well, I guess if you would consider being dethroned from the throne of England,
08:13being out of work, yes, because I was third in line for the throne,
08:17and then some upstart called Charles caused a whole bunch of trouble,
08:22and he's getting the job, apparently.
08:25I'd keep that to myself if I were you, Ian.
08:29Yeah, but these are T-bone steaks, and the reason that I like T-bone steaks
08:33is that, well, this particular piece of the meat right here,
08:36see this piece right here, let me get this on you.
08:38This piece right there and this piece right here is just so tender.
08:44It's almost like the tenderloin of the animal.
08:48Can you say that on TV?
08:49Oh, yes.
08:50Okay.
08:51Oh, yes.
08:52But let's get these on there.
08:53Can you put those onto the grill for me there, please?
08:55Put them under the grill?
08:56No, on top of the grill.
08:57Oh, on top of the grill.
08:58Yeah.
08:59There you go.
09:00Get those sizzling up nicely.
09:01Now, we've got to cut up some peppers here, and we'll get these done.
09:06We'll just slice through this, and we need to get these seeds out.
09:10We're going to put these into the stir fry
09:12and make sure that we've got lots of color to go with this
09:15because this is, look at how nicely those are cooking.
09:17Isn't that wonderful?
09:18Just sizzling away.
09:20Yeah.
09:21You know, we do this down in Arkansas a lot.
09:23You do?
09:24Yeah, we just don't have fire down there yet.
09:26Just lay them on some coals.
09:28It takes forever to cook.
09:29Yeah.
09:30That should be a sunny day.
09:31Sun-baked, yeah, like a sun-tanned steak.
09:34There you go.
09:35There you go.
09:37I'm curious about Arkansas because I once sort of was approached
09:42by a group of business people down there to look into a forest
09:45and take the trees.
09:47Is there really good forests in Arkansas?
09:51Yeah, there's a lot of good forests in Arkansas,
09:54but you can't see the trees for the politicians, though.
09:59Well, that's kind of interesting.
10:01It is.
10:02There's a lot of politicians down there.
10:04We have not one but two governors at the same time
10:06because usually one of them is under indictment,
10:08so we just have the second one ready to go.
10:10Isn't that incredible?
10:11It is.
10:12And what was all this?
10:13They were into this whitewater rafting down there or something?
10:15Well, it wasn't actually whitewater rafting.
10:17It was whitewater money laundering, I think, is what was going on.
10:20They were floating big bales of cash down the river.
10:24Oh, that's incredible.
10:26But, you know, what do you think of this president?
10:29He's from Arkansas, right?
10:31Is he?
10:32Yeah.
10:33Oh, I thought he was a cousin of yours.
10:35I knew that she was from Arkansas,
10:36but I didn't know that he was the president now.
10:38Well, I wasn't talking about him.
10:39I was talking about her.
10:40Oh, well, she's the president.
10:41She's the president.
10:42She's the president.
10:43She pulls the strings.
10:44Yeah, she does pull the strings.
10:46Yeah, well.
10:47You look a little like him now that I think about it.
10:49Who, Hillary?
10:52I wouldn't say that too loudly.
10:56All right, well, what we've got to do
10:58is just continue putting some peppers in here,
11:00and we get lots of color,
11:02and color is important in cooking.
11:06It's the kind of thing.
11:07What are you doing there, Chris?
11:08Taking the seeds out, which you forgot to do.
11:10Well, you know, this is something.
11:12A lot of people write in to me, and they say,
11:13Ian, because that's my name,
11:15they say, Ian, why do you leave the seeds in?
11:19And, well, about three years ago,
11:21I was actually blinded.
11:23I had some acid thrown in my face by a car battery,
11:26and I had to have my eyes replaced.
11:30What I see right now is actually a real fog.
11:33Really?
11:34Yeah, that's why I can't seem to speak properly.
11:38But, no, I was in a very bad car accident,
11:41and the car rolled over about 15 times.
11:45And this has something to do with seeds in the peppers?
11:48Well, yes, absolutely.
11:49I went underwater, and I happened to have
11:51a bag of peppers in the car with me,
11:53and the only way that I could survive that thing
11:55was by cutting off the top of the pepper
11:57and sucking the seeds out, which contain oxygen.
12:00Ah, and that's what we learn at British Intelligence.
12:02But we'll be back in just a second,
12:04so stay tuned, and we'll be right back.
12:28Yeah, turn it over. Turn it over.
12:31Ooh.
12:32Doesn't that look incredible?
12:33Nice.
12:34Look at that.
12:35I can't believe you can just cook these inside like this.
12:37Yeah, it's great. It's great.
12:38This is a wonderful thing about this kitchen.
12:40This Gaggenau product is just terrific.
12:42And, you know, we've got this stir-fry going here.
12:45We've got onions and some cabbage and carrots and potatoes
12:51and red peppers, green peppers, and some celery.
12:54And, oh, it's just delicious.
12:55Now, I'm going to put in there now
12:57a little bit of marinade and soya sauce.
13:01We just put that in.
13:02You know, you were so fast with those vegetables,
13:04I didn't even see you cut them up.
13:05Well, that's one of the things, Chris,
13:07that I learned to do in British Intelligence.
13:09And if you watch real closely,
13:11you'll see me put in almost two gallons of Worcestershire sauce,
13:15but it actually looks like just a pinch.
13:18Aha.
13:19See, that was almost two gallons.
13:20Wasn't that fast?
13:21Very fast.
13:22See, now, in Arkansas, we wouldn't even have the top off yet.
13:26How do they speak in Arkansas?
13:28I mean, I know that they have a very sort of a southern type of sound.
13:33They speak real slow.
13:37Like Forrest Gump?
13:39Yeah, not quite as slow as him.
13:41He's from Alabama.
13:43Was he really?
13:44He was.
13:45Do you have a box of chocolates you could throw in there?
13:48Do you have a box of chocolates you could share with me?
13:51I don't.
13:52My accent is worse than yours.
13:55Well, we could probably fool her, though, right?
13:57Oh, yeah.
13:58Actually, that's the basis of a good relationship, fooling her.
14:04Once she finds you out, you can go into the pity act,
14:07you know, about how sorry you are and how silly you are,
14:11and it's true love from then on in.
14:13But anyway, can you just flip those again?
14:16You seem to be smoking a little bit.
14:20That's wonderful.
14:21If you're going to smoke a little bit, you may as well smoke a lot.
14:24Absolutely.
14:26But as the president would say, he never lit it.
14:31He never inhaled.
14:32That's what it was.
14:34Now what?
14:35Well, I've got these little tiny button tomatoes here,
14:38and the nice thing about these is that they're not really button tomatoes.
14:45I actually developed these as melons in British intelligence,
14:49and they're sort of fooling, again, the end eater.
14:53Aren't they good?
14:54Mmm, cantaloupe.
14:58Isn't that incredible?
14:59And I thought I would just put this into the stir fry, too,
15:02so we'll put that in there.
15:04And I've got a little champagne here,
15:06which I should just swirl around my glass and just sip before this young lady comes in.
15:12Yeah.
15:13See, down in Arkansas, we don't have champagne.
15:16What do you have down in Arkansas?
15:18We have beer in a can.
15:21Beer in a can?
15:22In a can.
15:23Well, how do you get it out?
15:25Can I have a beer?
15:26Yes.
15:27There you go.
15:29See, we may talk slow down there, but we think real fast.
15:34Oh, my gosh, she's here.
15:36Well, do you want to stay here, and I'll go meet her at the door
15:39and make sure the steaks don't burn?
15:43Whoa, look at that.
15:44That looks wonderful.
15:45Oh, here we go.
15:47Now, I have to remember that he's my cousin Phil from Arkansas,
15:51and I'm looking for a job in Sly Dog.
15:57Oh, hello.
15:59Hi.
16:01Kiss me, boo.
16:02Kiss me, boo.
16:03Come on in.
16:04Come on in.
16:05Come on in right there.
16:06Where would you like to sit?
16:07Oh, how about right here?
16:08This is great.
16:09Just move up a bit, and I'll sit next to you.
16:11Oh, all right.
16:12And we'll get cozy on the couch,
16:13and this is my cousin Phil in the kitchen here from Arkansas.
16:17Howdy, pretty little lady.
16:22I got teeth.
16:25I have to support him all the time because, you know, he's a little slow.
16:31You know what I mean?
16:33So he's putting a drain on my finances, and I'm looking for a job.
16:38Okay, and you want me to help you find a job?
16:40Yes.
16:41Why don't you just relax here and sit back
16:43and just relax and, you know, make yourself at home.
16:47And is there some questions you'd like to ask me?
16:51Well, do you have any skills?
16:52Do I have skills?
16:53Yes, yes, yes.
16:55I was with British Intelligence for about 30 years.
16:59I learned to lie real well.
17:02Oh, I don't know if lying is really a skill, but we might be able to use that.
17:05Uh-huh.
17:06Well, I was also a good cheater.
17:08I cheated lots.
17:10I was undercover a lot.
17:15I'm sure you were.
17:18And that's about it.
17:21Uh-huh, uh-huh.
17:22Oh, are those your pink slips?
17:24Well, yes, they are my pink slips.
17:27I had many pink slips in my time, some of them my size.
17:32Well, maybe I should take a look at a few of those.
17:34Oh, sure, yeah.
17:35Okay.
17:36Go ahead, and you can see the excellent reputation that I have in the workplace.
17:39Okay, let's see.
17:42Okay, what do we have there?
17:43Let's see.
17:44Oh, let's see.
17:45Ian does not follow instructions well.
17:49That's an asset in British Intelligence.
17:51That's an asset, yes.
17:52Well, in the real world, I don't know if that's going to cut it, though, Ian.
17:55You mean there's a real world outside of British Intelligence?
17:58Yes, I'm afraid so.
18:00My gosh.
18:01I've been living so long in the dark.
18:03I have seen the light.
18:04I have seen the light.
18:06I say I have seen the light.
18:09Thank you so much for coming over.
18:10I have seen the light.
18:13That's because we turned the electricity on.
18:17Thank you there, Cousin Phil.
18:20So that was one bill that you did manage to pay then.
18:24Well, we actually have a generator in the bedroom.
18:27Yes, we have our water bed going through a system of pipes,
18:31and the pipes sort of pump the water up to the ceiling,
18:34then it drops down, turns a couple of wheels,
18:37then we get a glow.
18:39We get a glow in the lights,
18:41and that's how we power the entire kitchen here.
18:44We don't pay bills.
18:45We're completely self-sufficient.
18:46That's what British Intelligence told us to do, be self-sufficient.
18:50Uh-huh, uh-huh.
18:52Well, Ian, if I'm going to help you,
18:57you're going to have to work with me a bit here.
18:59Oh, that's what I'm here for.
19:01I tend to work with you.
19:04I do.
19:05I think I have the ideal job for you.
19:08Ah, a brain surgeon, right?
19:11No, you need skills for that.
19:13An astronaut, right?
19:14An astronaut, right?
19:15No, you need skills for that one too.
19:17Okay, let me guess.
19:18A brain surgeon in space.
19:20No, actually, I think that given that you seem to be a bit of an operator,
19:24the ideal job for you would be that you go into politics.
19:28Yes, yes, I knew it.
19:30Absolutely, absolutely.
19:31Phil, get out there and let Ian for president signs right now.
19:34Again?
19:35Again.
19:36Again, I say.
19:38All right, let's get out of here.
19:39We'll get a wonderful meal,
19:40come back and talk about my political career.
19:43Absolutely.
19:44I think it's going to be great.
19:45Absolutely.
20:07Ginger?
20:08Oh, yes.
20:09Yes, yes, yes.
20:10Absolutely.
20:11What we do is we take a couple of little slivers of ginger
20:14have that incredible fresh ginger taste.
20:17You don't need very much.
20:18Just, it's almost like throwing a couple
20:20of bay leaves into a soup, but.
20:22What do you do?
20:22Put that in here?
20:23Just stir that around, just get the essence
20:25of the ginger through those vegetables.
20:28Just stir that around.
20:29Does that look good?
20:29Oh man, that sure looks good.
20:31Oh, that looks fabulous.
20:32That really looks good.
20:33You know what's in there?
20:34You know what's in there?
20:36That's all stuff from Arkansas.
20:38There's onions, and there's potatoes, there's peppers.
20:41There's your green things, and your white things,
20:43and your yellow things, your light things.
20:45And little sprouty things in there.
20:47Yeah, yeah, they're all there.
20:48This is so good, it's grown its own food.
20:50All right, well we're gonna set this wonderful meal up.
20:56And Chris, could you just pour that on there?
20:59You pour it right on the tray?
21:00Oh yes, just pour it right on the tray, all over there.
21:03Isn't that tremendous?
21:04Look at the nice colors.
21:05I like using silver to serve stuff up on,
21:07because, well it's a little, it's colorful, isn't it?
21:13Yes, it looks wonderful.
21:15The silver just sort of sets everything off.
21:17Yes, it certainly does.
21:18Now we're gonna take, just a fork here.
21:20We're just gonna lay these nice steaks on there.
21:23Oh, look at that.
21:26Isn't that terrific?
21:28And we'll just pull those over.
21:31Look at that.
21:34Okay, well let's go over to the table.
21:36We'll sit down and have a nice meal here.
21:38But Cousin Ian, there's only two steaks.
21:40There's three of us.
21:41You stay here, Cousin Phail.
21:43You stay there, you stay there and clean up.
21:45Where did you want me to sit?
21:46The good Cousin.
21:47Where did you want me to sit?
21:48Just sit over there.
21:49Sit here?
21:49Yeah, that's terrific.
21:52Well this is what I've been waiting for.
21:54Let me just get, Cousin Phail,
21:56you got some serving spoons there of some kind?
21:58Oh, I am at your disposal.
22:04Well Cousin Phail just graduated
22:06from high school last year.
22:08And I'm really proud of him.
22:10He's quite a character.
22:12And well, Cousin Phail.
22:16Here you are, Cousin Ian.
22:17Three spoons of different sizes.
22:20Take your pick.
22:21I'll take all three then, Cousin Phail.
22:22I knew you would.
22:25He's very helpful.
22:26Oh, he's a tremendous guy, you know.
22:28And I poke fun at him.
22:30Oh, that's a very big piece of meat.
22:32Well, it is.
22:35It's amazing how many people say that
22:37when they come to dinner.
22:40I love vegetables.
22:41Try some of those.
22:42Okay.
22:43Because they're truly delicious.
22:44This is great.
22:45I'd like some of those red peppers.
22:46Some of the red peppers?
22:47Yes, please.
22:48Okay.
22:49Whatever your heart desires, you shall have.
22:50That's what I want.
22:51Thank you very much.
22:52All right.
22:53Excuse me, Miss Maureen.
22:54Yes.
22:55I don't mean to interrupt, but I have to.
22:56I heard you talking about Cousin Ian getting him a job.
22:57Yes.
22:58What about me?
22:59What about me?
23:00What about me?
23:01What about me?
23:02What about me?
23:03What about me?
23:04What about me?
23:05What about me?
23:06What about me?
23:07What about me?
23:08What about me?
23:09What about me?
23:10Yes.
23:11What about me?
23:12Yes.
23:13Are you going to help me?
23:14I could try.
23:15Good.
23:16What skills do you have?
23:17I don't have those skills.
23:18You don't have any skills either.
23:19If you would like to order a copy of the Lonely Chef's Recipes for Romance, then pick up the
23:28phone right now and call 1-800-665-2433 and have your credit card ready.
23:39Yes.
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