- 11 years ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hi, I'm Ian and I'm the Lonely Chef.
00:07We have a fabulously funny show for you in the next half an hour.
00:10At the end of the show there's a number and I want you to jot it down and call me because
00:15well I'm single and I'm looking for a date and possibly a relationship and who knows
00:20maybe even marriage.
00:21I'm looking to meet somebody special.
00:23I'm fabulously wealthy, I want to settle down and I want to share this wealth with that
00:27special person and just live happily ever after.
00:31So enjoy the show and hopefully we'll meet.
00:35Until we do, goodbye.
00:38Oh, one more thing.
00:41I do happen to lie an awful lot.
00:44Lonely, I've been searching for so long Lonely, only hoping you're the one who will
01:02change my life and make these dreams come true
01:10Lonely, the time goes on and on Lonely, still searching for the one
01:24I would sail the southern oceans and cross the burning sand
01:32Till the day I find you, never to be lonely again
02:03Oh, what the heck, it's just another one of those little personal injuries but being in
02:08British intelligence, they're what I do.
02:10I'm trained, I'm trained to be a lethal weapon.
02:14Yes, you see, for the first time ever on television we are going to have a double date with two
02:22of the most beautiful, gorgeous Taekwondo experts.
02:26Now Taekwondo is an ancient Korean art of self-defense.
02:34It started around 830 A.D.
02:38I know this because I was in British intelligence and I was actually the creator of it.
02:43But then I sort of branched out, there was a little fly there.
02:51No flies in my house.
02:56Well, except where they're supposed to be.
03:01But anyway, I branched away from the old Taekwondo and I started my own school of martial arts.
03:08It's called Too Tough To Chew.
03:13And I am the proud possessor of over 482 different colored belts.
03:20And what I'm going to cook up here for this wonderful couple that's coming over and again
03:25for the first time, Chris is going to have a date with me, I mean, with one of the girls.
03:31And we're going to cook up a wonderful trout meal, so stay tuned and we'll be right back
03:35in just a second.
04:03Oh my gosh, my gosh, my gosh, my gosh.
04:08You know, it really sort of builds up your self-confidence when you're good at martial
04:12arts.
04:15When I was a small kid, I used to get beaten up a lot.
04:18And now every morning when I get up, I beat myself up a lot.
04:25And I do that so that I can defend myself.
04:28And usually I end up on top.
04:33And that's why I've won so many belts.
04:34In fact, my karate school, Too Tough To Chew, is so exclusive, I don't have anybody to fight
04:40with.
04:41It's just me because I am the grand, grand, grand master of all.
04:49And I'm recognized as such throughout the world and I think that this is one of the
04:52reasons why British Intelligence actually contacted me and said, Ian, because that's
04:57my name, said, why don't you come and be on our side?
05:04And I said, well, why do you want me to be on your side?
05:06And they said, well, you're really big.
05:10And so here I am.
05:12But my hands are like sharp stainless steel knives.
05:16I actually shave every morning with the edge of my hand.
05:20In fact, I cut myself shaving this morning and after they reattached my leg, see, I'm
05:34one of those men that can accept the fact that I shave my legs.
05:36And I have to do that because it's aerodynamic.
05:40When I do my kicks, they're so fast, my legs are shaped actually like the foil, the wing
05:45of a plane.
05:47And I can actually attain about 10,000 feet in altitude just by doing these quick kicks
05:54of mine that are so vicious and so fast.
05:57But anyway, just to give you an example of how fast my arms are, I want you to watch
06:01this because I'm going to slice this with my hands so fast.
06:07See that?
06:08Look at that.
06:09See that?
06:19So fast.
06:20You didn't even see it, did you?
06:21But that's how good I am.
06:23Anyway.
06:24Oh, come on in.
06:25Oh, hi, Chris.
06:26How are you doing?
06:27This hurts, this Kai Kuan Chu stuff hurts.
06:41Yeah, too tough to chew.
06:44You need to limber up, Chris.
06:46And it's a certain amount of mental and physical coming together of the energies, the yin and
06:52the yang.
06:54And...
06:55Is there something wrong with your yin?
06:59There's certainly something wrong with my yang, I'll tell you that.
07:04I don't think it's a good idea to get our yin and yang together.
07:11I think your yin is a little blue here, there we go.
07:16It was green last week.
07:18It's amazing what medicine can do now.
07:22Anyway, our yin and yangs are fine, but you have to come together with this mental and
07:28physical sort of approach.
07:30And once you get your yin and your yang together, it's really quite nice, you're sort of on
07:36a higher plane.
07:37A higher plane.
07:38It sounds like a Chinese restaurant to me, yin and yang.
07:41All right.
07:42But anyway, listen.
07:43What I'm doing here, and I want to tell you this, Chris, because this is the first time
07:47that I've ever done this for you, but...
07:49What's that?
07:50Well, we actually have a double date, and I've got a date for you!
07:57No way!
07:58Yes!
07:59Yes!
08:00Yeah!
08:01Wait a minute, I'll have to be there, I can't be there.
08:02What do you mean?
08:03I'm fine, but I have a problem, I have to talk to him, that's my problem right there,
08:11I just can't do it.
08:12I mean, it's so hard for me.
08:14You know, I've been writing this stuff down, you've got to give me more tips.
08:17What do I do?
08:18What do I do?
08:19What do I say?
08:20Well, in this particular instance, I don't think you'll have to say too much, because
08:24basically, they'll be beating up on you.
08:27Well, that just sounds like a regular date for me, what's the big deal about that?
08:32It usually happens to me.
08:34No, but these are really special girls.
08:36These girls are medal winners in Taekwondo, which is an ancient Korean art of self-defense.
08:46They learned it from my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, Dwight Taekwon Jameson.
08:55Yes, that's right.
08:58But anyway, listen, what we should do, I'm going to cook up a meal, I'm going to cook
09:01up a meal for them, would you like to help me doing that?
09:04Oh, sure.
09:05All right, well, let's get this stove on.
09:07Let me get this straight, though, I'm going to go out with a woman who can beat me up
09:10with her finger.
09:11Yes, that's right.
09:13I think, you know, it's going to be...
09:15You better write that down.
09:16It's going to be quite an experience for you, because, well, not only is she beautiful,
09:25not only is she very talented, but she can probably do moves that will absolutely knock
09:31your block off.
09:32Literally.
09:33Literally.
09:34Yeah.
09:35Literally.
09:36And I'm looking forward to it, because nobody has ever challenged me in too-tough-to-chew
09:41and taekwondo sports since I won the last Olympics, and I'm really looking forward to
09:47it.
09:48Well, I will do anything I can, except if I don't have to talk to them, that'd be best
09:52for me.
09:53Well, can I get you to do something while we're doing something here?
09:55Certainly.
09:56Could you cube this up, this little piece of meat?
10:00It's not a piece of meat, it's a piece of a mushroom.
10:02It's a huge, huge mushroom.
10:04Now, also what I've done, I've planted a number of cameras around in the food, because I want
10:09to know what their ancient art is.
10:12I've actually put a camera into this fish, so when they eat this, I'm going to be able
10:17to get a particular perspective of this whole thing.
10:20Now, look at this.
10:22This fish is actually going to look at me.
10:23Look at that.
10:24Isn't that neat?
10:25Isn't that weird?
10:26Can you see that?
10:27That's a clever little devil.
10:28It's got a little cavity there.
10:29Yeah.
10:30Well, it didn't go to see a dentist, obviously.
10:31Look at that.
10:32Uh-oh.
10:33Yeah.
10:34Looks like it's still got a worm in it.
10:35I'll get that out, just a second here.
10:36Oh, there we go.
10:37The little thing bit me.
10:38Huh, isn't that interesting?
10:39Look at that.
10:40Huh.
10:41Actually, it looks a bit like you, Chris.
10:42Yeah, of course, that's a teeth.
10:43Yeah.
10:44Isn't that strange?
10:45It's just like me.
10:46Okay, well, let's put it down and put it back in the pan, and we'll get this all started
10:47up and cooking up.
10:48We've got a little bit of butter that we need to put in there.
10:49I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
10:50fish.
10:51I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
10:52fish.
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11:00fish.
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17:56fish.
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18:00fish.
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18:14fish.
18:15I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
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18:17I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
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18:19I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
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18:21I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
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18:23I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
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18:26I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:27fish.
18:28I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:29fish.
18:30I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:31fish.
18:32I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:33fish.
18:34I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:35fish.
18:36I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:37fish.
18:38I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:39fish.
18:40I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:41fish.
18:42I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:43fish.
18:44I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:45fish.
18:46I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:47fish.
18:48I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:49fish.
18:50I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:51fish.
18:52I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:53fish.
18:54I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:55fish.
18:56I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:57fish.
18:58I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
18:59fish.
19:00I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
19:01fish.
19:02I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
19:03fish.
19:04I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
19:05fish.
19:06I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
19:07fish.
19:08I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
19:09fish.
19:10I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
19:11fish.
19:12I'm going to do this in three minutes flat, and this is how you make a wonderful, delicious
19:13fish.
19:14So that's really how I won the second world war, single handedly, and isn't this a wonderful
19:35looking meal?
19:36That is fabulous.
19:39Let me just go over that recipe again, because it's well worth noting that these trout are
19:44in fact, miniature salmon. But you can use any kind of fish. And we put in the puff mushrooms
19:52with some onions and some garlic butter. You must try this. It's wonderful. And then we've
19:57also put in some crab meat. We also have some soya sauce. Oh, he's in training. Don't worry
20:06about him. This is one of the first exercises I've given him, which is basically to be wise,
20:13one must starve. And as he's got the clock over his head like that, he can't eat. This
20:21is training to graduate from the too-tough-to-chew class of karate in 1995, 96, 97, and all the
20:28way through to the year 3000. So this is going to make him stronger for balance and strength?
20:34Oh yes. I used to do that when I was six years old. Really? Yeah. In fact, it never used
20:41to be a clock when I was six years old. It was a hundred-foot oak tree. But that's the
20:46kind of guy that I am. But tell me about these costumes. They're gorgeous. These are what?
20:51These are traditional. You must know this. Well, absolutely. I do know it. But would you
20:56like to say it? I'm sure you would love to say it. Well, these are traditional Korean dresses,
21:01if I'm not mistaken. I've worn several of them myself. Hammock. Pardon? Remember,
21:09they're called hammock. Oh yes, of course, hammocks. You girls are doing good there,
21:17Chris. Keep up the good work. But also, you really are serious contenders for Olympic gold medals
21:23if Taekwondo becomes a sport in the year 2000. It is a sport. It is a sport now. It's actually
21:32caught up to too tough to chew. Actually, surpassed it. Oh, surpassed it. Okay. Would
21:39you girls like to dig into this wonderful meal? Here's some serving spoons here.
21:45In the Korean tradition, they switched around where it's now the male's turn to serve.
21:52Okay. Well, I most certainly will go along with that tradition. I think it's a very honorable
21:56tradition. And I will be glad to serve you guys. Get up, Chris. Get up. Yeah. Yeah. That's right.
22:05Good boy. There we go. There you go. Now, you see, we have to do a little karate kick to keep
22:10him in tune once in a while. But just let me serve you a little of this. Now, taste that.
22:15There we go. You're doing fine there, Chris. Now, while you girls are just digging into this,
22:28now try and taste that. That is absolutely wonderful. I just want to give a little bit
22:32of tummy muscle training to Chris. So, excuse me one moment while I...
22:37Excuse me? Yes? Do you have chopsticks? No chopsticks, I'm afraid. But is there anything
22:50else I can get you here? A little salt and pepper, maybe? Or some sort of Korean spice?
22:55Excuse me one moment, please. That's okay. I'm right back. All right. We'll be back to enjoy
23:05this wonderful meal. So, let's dig in right now. Can I try a little of this? Can I taste a little?
23:13If you would like to order a copy of the Lonely Chef's Recipes for Romance,
23:18then pick up the phone right now and call 1-800-665-2433 and have your credit card ready.
23:35So,
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