- 11 years ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00You're waking up late, late, kind of hazy, your household is getting rather crazy, if
00:22you had just one day to be lazy.
00:27How did you get so busy?
00:31Your family just keeps you guessing, while your boss has really got you stressing, you've
00:42got a hundred chores that are pressing, after Girl Scouts, baseball, PTA, and wrestling.
00:53Well mama's a got to be true, your man might not always come through, but if you've found
01:05one who's got a good heart, then you're off to a wonderful start.
01:14No need to control that man, oh no, no need to control that man, I said no, no need to
01:26control that man, oh no, just his one track mind.
01:34Happy Father's Day!
01:44In less than four hours, you have to wake up, shower, and go to work.
02:04You'll think about every screw up you've made in your life.
02:10Sit up!
02:12Come on Thomas, you can do it, keep going, man she's cute.
02:19Don't mess it up!
02:21You dickhead!
02:35You dickhead!
02:41What a freak!
02:48Well, I'm a collector, but I believe that books should be read.
03:02In fact, I have some of my nicest ones in the bathroom.
03:07I didn't know.
03:09In the bathroom?
03:10Yes.
03:12Well, speaking of bathrooms...
03:27Looking good.
03:29Ah!
03:30Ah, jeez!
03:41You dickhead!
03:54Your mental cold shower worked.
03:57Well, sort of.
04:01You're a dickhead, and a genius.
04:09Medicine time.
04:11This was 20 minutes ago.
04:13Your two youngest kids woke up at 1 a.m. with coughs and sniffles.
04:18Since they've crawled into bed with Mommy and Daddy damn near every night of their lives,
04:23no big deal.
04:24She's got more than me.
04:26She's bigger than you, sweetie.
04:30It's been three months since these kids had been in their own beds at this hour.
04:36Even worse, it's been exactly that long since you and Angel last made love.
04:59But you knew your wife was probably exhausted.
05:03She usually is since she began working again.
05:06You conclude any romantic overtures would be rejected as usual.
05:13But then...
05:23Tommer, you're one of the few...
05:25Hell, the only married, monogamous guy who's had a vasectomy
05:30yet still uses condoms six months later.
05:33Uh, more on that later.
06:30Shit.
06:31Well, shit.
06:33You were intent on consummating this opportunity in the most conventional and satisfying way possible.
06:40Well, actually you had a few un-conventional ideas.
06:45I'm sorry, Tommer.
06:46I'm sorry.
06:47I'm sorry.
06:48I'm sorry.
06:49I'm sorry.
06:50I'm sorry.
06:51I'm sorry.
06:52I'm sorry.
06:53I'm sorry.
06:54I'm sorry.
06:55I'm sorry.
06:56I'm sorry.
06:57I'm sorry.
06:58I'm sorry.
06:59You had a few unconventional ideas in mind.
07:02Angel was the traditionalist.
07:05You were in no position to argue, just basically happy to be in any position, missionary or otherwise.
07:11But you needed a rubber.
07:19Fifteen minutes.
07:20Now remember, lifestyles, ultra-strength in the blue box.
07:28Hold on a second.
07:31Take the box with you, honey.
07:38Tommer.
07:40Tommer.
08:10Tommer.
08:22So now you're sporting a semi.
08:25You just wish you'd put on some underwear first.
08:29Hmm.
08:31Unfortunately, your quest is no longer just to buy lifestyles.
08:37Ultra-strength.
08:39In the blue box.
08:41The blue box.
08:43You're now determined to buy something with the rubber so you don't look like some kind of weirdo.
08:51Shit, no.
08:52Wouldn't want that to happen.
08:53But now you think you need something to distract the checkout clerk from the obvious fact that
08:59a guy would only buy condoms at 2.12 in the morning so he could get laid by 2.30.
09:05Let's see.
09:07And a box of condoms.
09:11Shit.
09:20And a box of condoms.
09:23Ooh, don't forget the bendy straws.
09:36Let's go.
10:07You know, Tommer.
10:10You really are one very lucky dickhead.
10:14You got a great family and a great life.
10:19So why are you so damned uptight?
10:29Oh, hi, Tom.
10:31Oh, cripes.
10:37Hello, Pastor Herman.
10:39Any attempt to cover your semi is futile.
10:43What are you gonna do?
10:45Cover it with your wife's panties?
10:47What brings you here?
10:48Stupid.
10:49He might ask you the same thing.
10:51What?
10:52You gonna lie to a man of the cloth?
10:54Oh, Nyquil, I'm kind of out of the weather today.
10:57Gotta, excuse me a minute.
11:02I'm sorry.
11:05I'm sorry.
11:15Well, gotta go. You have a good night, Tom.
11:21Now what the hell did he mean by that?
11:25Blue.
11:27Blue, blue, where's the blue one?
11:29It's not here.
11:30Hell, Tommer, you shouldn't be here.
11:33Six months ago, Dr. Khanna told you...
11:37I want you to know that vasectomy is a very serious decision.
11:42Very serious indeed.
11:44I prefer not to perform the operation unless first attend a family consultation.
11:51This is not working, guys. Come on.
11:54Sorry about this.
11:56Perhaps I might just suggest a date for the operation.
11:59And one week later...
12:04That was a tricky one.
12:06Your penis had just been pulled up and taped to your belly.
12:10Angel was sitting nearby because she insisted on watching.
12:14And for some ungodly reason, Dr. Khanna was okay with it.
12:19He was doing the snipping with Dr. Peach, your family doctor, and a major hunk.
12:25Angel always dolls herself up for every appointment.
12:29Full battle makeup and a clingy little mini dress.
12:33And a few minutes later, Dr. Khanna said, with his lovely Punjabi lilt...
12:38Now you shall feel a little prick.
12:48The pain killer will create a burning sensation at first.
12:52But it's nothing to worry about.
12:55But isn't a burning sensation also painful?
13:00Then the burning began.
13:02You could feel the tugging on your flesh by the doctor's first incisions.
13:06You wanted to scream, the pain killer hasn't kicked in.
13:10But then you recalled what Angel went through while giving birth to your kids.
13:15Episiotomies.
13:20If she could take that.
13:23One down, one to go.
13:25Nothing to it from here, you thought.
13:28Then Dr. Pretty Boy said...
13:30Okay, you might feel a little bit of cramping this time.
13:33You barely had a chance to think.
13:35Uh-oh, when you felt your head cave in and forge a direct path for your asshole.
13:41You thought you were being turned inside out.
13:44And that's when it hit you.
13:47Angel wanted to watch you squirm.
13:51Yep, she was clearly enjoying herself.
13:57Face it, Tommer, this is nothing compared to the pain of childbirth.
14:02But it's the closest you'll ever get.
14:05Of course she had to be here.
14:08Now, wear a jack strap for at least a few days.
14:11Keep ice and tannol handy.
14:13And by all means, take it easy, okay?
14:17At first, it was no worse than a foul tip off the cup, just like your old baseball days.
14:23Be up in no time.
14:25Then the local wore off.
14:27It felt like your cup was runneth over by a truck.
14:32Plus, you had more important things to do.
14:35Tommer, you must ejaculate 12 times before you can be tested for sterility.
14:41You will need to come back for a sperm test in six weeks.
14:47Put your seatbelt on.
14:48Put yours on.
14:50Put yours on.
14:51What?
14:52Why don't you put mine on, Bubblehead?
14:55I need 12.
14:57Can we go now?
14:59Doctor's orders.
15:05Last time you did it, I was two weeks late.
15:09I am not going to touch you until you're completely sterile.
15:17Ah, yes, your punishment for the latest pregnancy scare.
15:21So she won't be playing Princess Leia to your hands solo.
15:36Problem one.
15:37Your wife wasn't going to help.
15:39And your two girls had already begun performing their ubiquitous version of Amal and the Night Visitors.
15:45You were on your own, Tommer.
15:47Problem two.
15:48None of your doors have functioning locks.
15:50Because you're a dumbass with tools.
15:52You could always put a Do Not Disturb sign on the bathroom door whenever you...
15:56Christ.
15:57Why don't I just put one up that says...
16:00Oh, that's all you needed.
16:02Proof in writing that your teenage son has a better sex life than you.
16:06So you had to wake up at some ungodly hour and slink into the bathroom.
16:11The catch?
16:13A decent night's sleep was the only thing you needed more than 12 ejaculations.
16:19Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa took the kids overnight, so you fired four shots in one weekend.
16:24And three more the next Friday when Angel went to the mall and left you alone with her Buns of Steel videos.
16:30But by sperm test day, you'd fired only nine shots.
16:35The idea of getting a cup from some nurse and shuffling into a little room...
16:39Ugh.
16:41You explain this to Angel.
16:43But your timing was awful.
16:45It was just before lunchtime for the kiddies.
16:48But you had to go for it.
16:51It was the money shot.
16:53It's no big deal.
16:56Thousands of men get vets every year.
17:03And they all have to do it.
17:05I know, I know, but...
17:07I was hoping you'd...
17:10Help.
17:12What?
17:14Now?
17:15The hospital's just a couple minutes away.
17:18It could work.
17:20No, sweetie.
17:22You explain that you could do it right there.
17:24You could then rush to the hospital.
17:26Hell, your sample should be good for at least 15 minutes.
17:29Then be home free.
17:31And she caved.
17:32She actually caved in.
17:35It took about 25 seconds to fill the empty baby food jar you had carried with you for over a month.
17:45Getting the jar to the lab, though, was a bitch.
18:03Hi there, I, uh...
18:05Can I help you?
18:06Yes, I need to get to the lab.
18:09Okay, I need you to fill out this form...
18:11She had you sit down.
18:14And fill out a form.
18:16Then she asked you questions as she typed slowly on her computer.
18:23So you told her...
18:24You don't understand.
18:26I have to get to the lab right away.
18:28Because I have the sperm sample with me.
18:39Oh.
18:41We better get you to the lab.
18:43Dr. Peach called with the news three days later.
18:49Tommer, you still got sperm.
18:52It's non-modal, so it's not doing much.
18:54Odds are they won't get anybody pregnant.
18:57What? I can still get Angel pregnant?
19:00Well, yeah, it's possible.
19:03If you want to be 100% safe, just wait a little while and get another sperm count.
19:09Meanwhile, you should probably use some form of contraception.
19:14Yeah, like letting our kids sleep between us.
19:19So, you're going commando, holding your wife's panties.
19:23It's taking you 30 minutes longer than it should have.
19:26Angel never has this problem.
19:28She barges right in, buys them, no regrets or remorse, and brings them home.
19:33And then they sit unused until your teenage son steals them.
19:38You used to be able to buy the damn things.
19:40Then they came out with the large size.
19:42If you don't buy Shaquille O'Neal's, you admit you're only packing Mugsy Pokes.
19:49Still, what's the big deal? Everybody's buying them.
19:54I'm sorry.
20:07Distraction merchandise. Just buy the damn rubber stick head.
20:15Like Gary Cooper at high noon.
20:18Legs slightly bowed, hands at your side.
20:21Hanging in your baggy sweats like a Colt .45 in a holster.
20:24Tommer, you're going to walk right up, slap down the box.
20:28Simple as that. Yup.
20:38Damn. He was your only chance to finalize this purchase on a high note.
20:46Shaquille O'Neal's.
20:51Slap.
21:21Right.
21:42Right.
21:51Oops.
22:04Look, my wife is waiting for me at home.
22:08If you catch my drift...
22:12Do you want to use this now?
22:14Use this now.
22:16Nope.
22:19She means the coupon.
22:22On the box.
22:27Dickhead.
22:38The thought of putting your brand new merchandise to use has you backing full attention.
22:46You're one of those guys who really needs it.
22:49A lot.
22:54You're virile.
22:56You're a man.
22:58And there's really only one thing you want.
23:09Yeah, you know what you want.
23:16Yeah.
23:46Yeah.
24:16Yeah.
24:28Just go to sleep, you big dope.
24:38It'll be the most blissful sleep of your life.
24:41Because you've already got what you want.
24:46Oh, yeah.
25:16You've got that right.
25:47No need to control that man.
25:51Oh, no.
25:52No need to control that man.
25:56I said no.
25:58No need to control that man.
26:02Oh, no.
26:03Just his one track mind.
26:08Just his one track mind.
26:16Just his one track mind.
26:21Just his one track mind.
26:26Just his one track mind.
26:31Just his one track mind.
26:36Just his one track mind.
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