00:00I was in a very toxic relationship for about three years.
00:04And looking back, one of the hardest things to admit is how long I knew it wasn't right before my
00:11life actually changed.
00:13And I did try to leave more than once.
00:16I was threatened and pressured into staying.
00:18And leaving was so much harder, it felt, than it seemed from the outside.
00:25But deep down, I could have left.
00:28And at the same time, I knew for a long time that I needed to get out of it.
00:32I kept eventually hoping that there would be some easier way to deal with everything.
00:37But there never was an easy day for it.
00:41There was never going to be a morning where it felt comfortable to end it.
00:45Where everything wrapped up nicely, nobody got hurt.
00:48Because she was struggling and I did care for her.
00:51And I wanted to be there for her, even though it cost me everything.
00:56But eventually somebody had to get hurt.
00:58And eventually I needed to accept that caring about somebody did not mean that I could spend my entire life
01:03trying to save them.
01:05Because I believe that you adapt to your surroundings.
01:07You are who you put yourself around.
01:09And she was very lazy at times.
01:12And I noticed myself being very lazy.
01:15You could have seen it through my content creation.
01:18I put a ton of videos out there in 2020 and 2021.
01:21And then for three years straight, I did basically nothing.
01:23Because I adapted to the people I was with.
01:26And then, fortunately, I don't know if I ever could have left.
01:29Because like I said, I was forced into staying.
01:31But she ended up cheating on me after three years and left for the dude.
01:35And her last words to me were, I left for him because he's a man.
01:40Or he's more of a man than he'll ever be.
01:43And that hurt, but there was a bright side to it because I was finally out of it.
01:47And then the next last couple years, I've posted at least a long-form video every day.
01:53Live-streamed every day.
01:54And posted at least 50-plus short videos every day.
01:58And that comes from me finally escaping that situation.
02:04I honestly was fortunate to be cheated on.
02:07I don't know if I ever could have.
02:08Because I tried to, but never really done enough.
02:13And this relates to so many things in life.
02:15It's not just a relationship if you're in a toxic one.
02:17But it might be a conversation that you're so afraid, but it's exactly what needs to happen.
02:24Because I remember what it feels like to have been trapped in my own thoughts.
02:29And sometimes the thing that changed the direction of the day was just talking to someone.
02:35When I was super depressed at 19 years old,
02:38it got to the point where I tried to take my own life on my 19th birthday.
02:42All it took was me reaching out to one friend to have another human being know what was going on
02:47instead of sitting in my own thoughts alone.
02:50And I'm saying all this because I think somebody watching might be much closer to getting help
02:56than they realize.
02:59Maybe there's been something that you've been carrying for so long
03:02that nobody in your life knows about.
03:04And you keep waiting until you feel better to explain it or you feel less embarrassed about it.
03:09Or the first words in the conversation are simpler, but honestly, it really won't be.
03:15It rarely is.
03:16You have to do the uncomfortable thing.
03:18I still have a really painful canker sore and it hurts really bad to talk.
03:24But I have to do the uncomfortable thing of talking through the pain
03:27to get this message across.
03:32Because even having somebody else understand what is happening
03:36will make your problem feel less impossible
03:40and will make you feel less alone.
03:42And the same idea shows up in so many things in your life.
03:47You can have a job for years and hate it
03:50just because the thought of quitting or telling your boss you're leaving makes you nervous.
03:59You can let a friendship become worse and worse
04:01because bringing up a relationship, because bringing up a problem is awkward.
04:06You can worry about your health for months without making an appointment
04:10because you don't want to hear the answer you actually want
04:12or you think it's not too big of a deal.
04:16None of those situations become easier because you waited.
04:21Waiting always makes it harder.
04:23Waiting also gives you more time to worry.
04:27I know that avoiding it today makes it a little easier for today.
04:32And that's why we do it.
04:35But now you have to deal with the problem the next days or the next week.
04:40And then for a few hours, you just think about it instead of actually doing it.
04:45And there is a little bit of relief in avoiding it, of course,
04:48but you are borrowing that relief from the future.
04:53Because eventually later shows up and later brings the problem plus interest.
04:59And there's been things in my life where I've spent months worrying about the moment I had to deal with
05:04it.
05:05And the actual moment wasn't as bad as I thought.
05:08I built it all around my head and it ended up being a big waste of time.
05:11I should have just done it.
05:13You have to have the discipline to just do it.
05:17Shia LaBeouf said it best.
05:19But you can't waste too much energy thinking about doing it, wishing you could have done it.
05:28Because there's probably things in your life that aren't working.
05:31Deep down you know it.
05:32Whether it is a relationship or your job.
05:35Or your eating habits or you're not exercising.
05:38Or anything at all.
05:39We have things we can improve on every day.
05:41And if you improve 1% a day, do you have any clue how much better you can get?
05:46Because you can improve 1% a day.
05:53But you have to decide what you're going to do.
05:57And you have to decide when.
05:59Which the when is today.
06:03Because if you refuse to bring up the problem, if you refuse to say it out loud,
06:06if you refuse to talk about it, it will stay inside of you.
06:09And you can't have that.
06:10You can't be the only one sitting in this pain or worry or anxious feeling.
06:17You carry it into work.
06:18You carry it into school.
06:19You carry it into relationships.
06:21And you think about it when you're alone.
06:23The problem is already a part of your life.
06:25Whether you acknowledge it or not.
06:26Sometimes the first hard day is just a day you acknowledge that.
06:36Some of the things that I thought I had to spend or do on my own.
06:41And I thought that if I was strong, it meant I would carry it all on my own and keep
06:46going.
06:47But that's not what makes a man a man and that's not what makes a woman a woman.
06:53Humanity can never survive on their own.
06:56Sometimes it takes sitting with someone, talking to someone, talking to a friend or family, helpline, anything.
07:04You don't even have to be depressed to do it.
07:07But if you are depressed, you definitely have to do it.
07:09Because if my friend wasn't there, if I didn't talk to my friend, I wouldn't be here today.
07:14So get help when you need it.
07:16Make a plan.
07:19Because it won't come easier by waiting.
07:22It might never become easy.
07:25You just have to force yourself to be ready to do it anyways.
07:30And I've lost so much time thinking that there would be a painless way to do certain things.
07:36To quit something.
07:37To leave something.
07:38But I would have saved myself a lot of times.
07:41A lot of times if I had done it sooner.
07:44I wish I had those three years back, but I won't.
07:47But at least they taught me to never let something like that happen again.
07:50So if you have been carrying something alone, maybe today is just the day you tell somebody.
08:01Sometimes that is enough to finally start changing everything.
08:11To be continued...
08:12To be continued...
08:13To be continued...
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