- 2 days ago
You wouldn’t typically expect to take an “L” at 5:30 in the morning, but that was Cakes’ reality when he got to the DC studios today. Him and Roger The Engineer found themselves in an awkward situation this morning.
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00:00Good morning. How are you, Ricky?
00:01I'm good. I would have been better if Roger hadn't come up and jiggled the bathroom door
00:07when I was conducting my personal business at about 5.30 this morning.
00:14He scared you.
00:16Well, I mean, first of all...
00:18You don't usually go in there at 5.30.
00:20First of all, it was nirvana at the outset because I opened the door,
00:25and then I know that it's going to be empty if, when I open the door,
00:31then the lights come on.
00:32Because if the lights are already on, that means some monster's already in the bathroom.
00:35Or has been in there in the last five minutes.
00:37Or has been there.
00:38So I'm like, okay, I've got a wide open runway.
00:40Go right to the stall at the end, doing my business, doom-scrolling Twitter,
00:47doing what I have to do, and I hear the door open.
00:50Like, okay, somebody's coming in to do whatever.
00:52He comes, I see the chucks.
00:55Are you in the first...
00:56No, I'm all the way at the end.
00:57I'm in the last stall.
00:58He still doesn't notice feet?
00:59Because he loves the last stall.
01:01Yeah, he does.
01:02Do you know anything about Roger?
01:02Yeah, I've always seen him in there.
01:04He loves the last stall.
01:05I got it.
01:05So he comes up.
01:06But why does he look for feet?
01:07That's the first thing he really does.
01:08I don't think he thinks about that.
01:10He doesn't think about that.
01:11You don't even have to touch the door.
01:14All you need to do is see the feet.
01:16My feet are clearly there.
01:18I think most males, I don't know if females are this way,
01:20at least most normal males,
01:22as soon as you walk in a bath,
01:23first thing you do, look for feet.
01:24See if anybody's pooping.
01:26First thing you do, of course.
01:27Cakes needs to change his go-to stall
01:30because that thing just gets pummeled.
01:32You got to be flexible.
01:33It gets used a lot.
01:33That thing gets pummeled by everybody.
01:35That's everybody's number one pick.
01:37That's true.
01:38You got cheek on cheek all the time.
01:40I agree.
01:41I think the metagame is...
01:42It's the bell of the ball.
01:43...the second or the third,
01:45one in the middle.
01:45You're probably right.
01:46Yeah.
01:47I just didn't think I was going to get...
01:49Nearly have the door open.
01:50I mean, my Roger gets in here.
01:52I mean, that thing is getting...
01:53Cakes is probably like the third person
01:55to put cheek on that this morning.
01:57Roger, Chepe, Cakes.
01:59At 5.30?
02:00Yeah.
02:005.30, I think I'm pretty good.
02:01Chepe's probably been in there.
02:03By now?
02:04Well, he has irritable bowel.
02:05Well, I don't know what time.
02:07Actually, he doesn't get in until about 4 or 6.
02:09I walked into that stall,
02:10and it was pristine.
02:12Yeah.
02:12I mean, it was...
02:13Well, you could tell when the cleaners have been in.
02:15Yeah.
02:16And then has it been, you know, roughed up.
02:18Right.
02:19Exactly.
02:19Like, B-Bitch hasn't been in there in a while.
02:21It looked like it had been untouched overnight.
02:23Yeah.
02:23So I was like, oh, I'm good to go.
02:25Yeah.
02:25And then my sanctity and then my sanctuary
02:29was nearly invaded by Roger.
02:32People need to understand that Cakes is particularly vulnerable
02:35because he's butt-ass naked in there.
02:37Yeah.
02:38Cakes takes his...
02:38Shirtless.
02:39Topless.
02:40So if he's wearing two things,
02:41he's wearing a T-shirt and a pullover,
02:43both of those things are on his hanger.
02:45Yeah.
02:46Absolutely.
02:46Right.
02:47So it's one thing.
02:48Listen, if someone opens a door,
02:50but at least you got your shirt on.
02:51Hanging on out.
02:51Yeah.
02:52It's all right.
02:53You say, oh, dude, sorry.
02:54You know, dropping one.
02:55Cakes butt-ass naked.
02:57Yeah.
02:57I mean, I'm especially vulnerable.
02:59There's nothing to hide.
02:59I mean...
02:59Did Roger say anything?
03:01No.
03:02He didn't say a word.
03:03No, he said nothing.
03:04There were no words exchanged.
03:06He just tucked his tail
03:07and went two stalls down.
03:10At least he did that.
03:11Yeah.
03:11What is he going to...
03:13Jiggle the door until I get up?
03:15No.
03:15He could have gone in the stall next to you.
03:17If he...
03:17True.
03:17And you don't know how plugged in he is?
03:19Yeah.
03:20Like, we never kind of know
03:21where he is on that.
03:21Yeah.
03:22At least he has...
03:22He could be the kind of guy,
03:24the serial killer,
03:25that would pick the stall right next to you
03:27when there are open ones away from it.
03:29At least he's that much socially aware.
03:32Roger the Dodger is one of a kind.
03:34He is one of a kind.
03:35Remember I told you yesterday
03:36that I can't go into the bathroom
03:38when there's people in there?
03:39Yeah.
03:39Same thing.
03:40I had to go so bad yesterday
03:42and there was two people in there.
03:44Mm-hmm.
03:44And one of them was Roger the Dodger.
03:46Yeah.
03:46And he was in that stall,
03:47his favorite stall.
03:48I swear he must have flushed it 17 times.
03:52Really?
03:52I think that's nice.
03:54He's doing that as a courtesy to you.
03:55He doesn't want you to hear all the sounds.
03:57You think that's what it is?
03:58I think a part of it.
03:59I don't think he really cares about me.
04:00I think he's just strange.
04:03Well, I know he's strange.
04:04A 17-time flusher?
04:06I know he's strange.
04:07Oh, this is water bill out of control.
04:09I mean, just big water bill.
04:11He also could be nervous about, you know,
04:15my situation, plugging a toilet,
04:17and he just didn't want to do that.
04:18He could be anxious about that.
04:20It only takes one.
04:21PTSD.
04:22Those things are, like, powerful.
04:23Those are pretty powerful.
04:24Did you resolve the situation?
04:26Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:26I put it out on my Twitter.
04:27I got the auger, and I went in there like a real man and just knocked it out.
04:31How much did you have to pay for that?
04:32$20.
04:33$20 for a snake?
04:34Best $20 I ever spent.
04:36Now, I will say this.
04:37I didn't really know how to use the damn thing.
04:40I had no idea what I was doing.
04:41How would you know?
04:42Yeah.
04:42But, I mean, because it's such a simple gizmo that you think, you know,
04:46so I just shoved the thing in there.
04:48First, I pull it all out, shoving it in there.
04:50I'm doing 19 different things before.
04:52And then, you know, you think maybe you got to hold the bottom part
04:54and turn the thing, but that doesn't really work.
04:56You got to kind of hold it up here to get any leverage
04:58to finally see that it's that.
05:00I mean, it's a little bit complicated.
05:02How long is it?
05:03Well, they say three feet.
05:05So, maybe in total, it's like six, maybe.
05:08Okay.
05:08Like three feet of coil and other things.
05:10I don't know.
05:10Yeah, yeah.
05:12But I will say this.
05:14It needed every inch of it.
05:16It wasn't until the very end that I got relief.
05:19I inherited one when I moved into the house.
05:21Somebody left one in the garage.
05:22I've never used it.
05:23Well, it's incredibly gross when you think about it.
05:26Yeah.
05:26Is it a one-time use thing, or do you just store it?
05:29No, I washed it outside, and I put it in a bucket.
05:32Hose it down.
05:32I hose it down.
05:33I put it in a bucket with the plunger.
05:35I mean, the plunger thing is so gross, right?
05:37I mean, plungers are ridiculous.
05:39I mean, they serve a purpose, though.
05:40Oh, you need them.
05:41Yeah, they're a necessity.
05:43I mean, I know what you guys do.
05:44Some people, you know you're a monster if you just have a plunger on the bathroom floor.
05:50That's like a monster.
05:51Sitting behind the toilet.
05:52Yeah, that's just like a monster.
05:53You have to have it in a bucket or something.
05:55You can have one.
05:55Like, we have one that's kind of dressed up that has like a little case.
05:58A little container.
05:59Yeah, yeah.
06:00That's for a dignified person.
06:03Yeah, well, I couldn't believe how many times you flushed.
06:07I do that because I don't want people to hear the sounds.
06:11He's talking about Roger.
06:12I'm talking about Roger.
06:12I know.
06:13I'm saying why he might do that.
06:14I know that he's a different human being, but I'm giving him maybe that album.
06:19No, because he was standing up.
06:20I mean, he was already done.
06:22Oh, maybe he was then.
06:23He wasn't sitting on the toilet.
06:24Oh, okay.
06:25Maybe he was in engineer mode and he didn't like the way it was.
06:28He was standing up.
06:29No, there's the skids.
06:31If Roger had walked in two minutes earlier.
06:34He's trying to get the skids off.
06:36If he had walked in two minutes earlier today, he would have heard a lot of sounds.
06:40He would have.
06:40Yeah, because, I mean, there's nobody in there.
06:42There's no reason for me to cover up the sounds.
06:45Yeah, yeah.
06:46Right, of course.
06:46And also, you can just be a man and make sounds in a bathroom.
06:52That's what you do.
06:53It's natural.
06:54You're a guy.
06:55I mean, you're going to make sounds.
06:56It's going to be smelly.
06:57There's nothing pleasant about it.
06:59Yeah, try to dignify it up a little bit.
07:01By the way, Cakes, didn't bring this up yesterday.
07:03You've gone with a new look.
07:05A little bit of a different look with your mustache and beard.
07:09My guy, I was away.
07:11You're experimenting.
07:12You know something on another human?
07:14Look at his mustache.
07:15Oh, it's a little thinner.
07:17It's thinner, yeah.
07:18I was away from my guy, Jonathan, for months.
07:21And I was like, you know what?
07:22I haven't seen Jonathan in a while.
07:24I'm going to go let a professional take care of the beard and the hair.
07:28It's a little metro for you, right?
07:29And as soon as I got home, I saw that I basically looked like Pitbull.
07:37What does Pitbull look like?
07:38He's just got like a thinner mustache.
07:41He's trying to thin you out a little bit.
07:43Thin your face out.
07:44I don't know what the move was.
07:46So he shaved immediately.
07:47He shaved kind of from your nose halfway to the lip.
07:51He's got a mustache like Vincent Price.
07:53It's only going to look like this for such an old reference.
07:56That's a great reference, though.
07:57It's only going to look like this for like three or four more days because eventually it all just grow
08:03in.
08:03How on earth could you maintain that space if you wanted to?
08:08I mean, I could if I used like a razor.
08:11I could, but how?
08:12I don't understand how you did it.
08:13You mean how?
08:13You just stopped halfway.
08:15I know, but you know how hard it is to nail that and then have a straight line?
08:20It's tough to thread that needle.
08:21And trust me, I'm not going to try to do it.
08:24This was not the look that I was envisioning, but it's okay.
08:28It's all good.
08:28It looks so funny.
08:29I never noticed it.
08:30The next time I go see Jonathan, I'm going to say, hey, just leave the mustache all one length.
08:37Don't have...
08:38Don't have...
08:39He cut it halfway down.
08:40Yeah, he chopped it in half, basically.
08:43I see a lot of...
08:44I see a lot of black guys do that.
08:46I think it looks good.
08:47It's all...
08:47Here's me giving a rare compliment.
08:49I think it looks good.
08:51It's fine.
08:51It looks good.
08:52It's whatever.
08:52You know, you...
08:53I didn't notice before, but now that JP notices...
08:56Yeah, I think that's good.
08:57Because you don't really face...
08:58I face him when he's talking.
09:00I'm looking right at him.
09:01He's a little foot away from me.
09:02I just don't notice.
09:03I don't notice anything about you.
09:05I don't know if anything's different.
09:06I mean, if you've got anything different in 20 years.
09:08No.
09:09Yeah.
09:09I don't know.
09:11I mean, I've gotten grayer.
09:12I've noticed that.
09:13It looks like, relative to you, you might need a haircut.
09:16Yeah, so I'm...
09:17In other words, I don't think you do, but I know you like to keep it tight.
09:20You like to keep it real short.
09:21Once a month-er.
09:21Yeah.
09:22I'm in my metrosexual phase.
09:25You guys just have to roll with it.
09:28Right.
09:29I'm looks-maxing.
09:30Yeah?
09:30I'm the new clavicular of the show.
09:32Yeah.
09:32I think it looks good.
09:33Cakes-vicular.
09:34I hate that I know that person's name.
09:37By the way, I had an awful night's sleep, so I'll probably be all over the place with
09:42my thoughts and words today.
09:44That's good.
09:45That could be a good...
09:45What kind of stress you got going on?
09:46My dog.
09:47My dog is just...
09:50My wife is with her mom, because her mom's having some medical stuff going on, and so
09:55she's in Annapolis, so it's just me.
09:57Yeah.
09:58And my dog likes to sleep in my bed, but she doesn't like to come up the stairs.
10:03She doesn't like to climb the stairs.
10:04Okay.
10:04She's got to be forced up the stairs.
10:06Yeah.
10:06Or you could carry her.
10:07That's what I did.
10:08At 1.30.
10:09Actually, it was 1.18.
10:11How much is Luke away?
10:1265 pounds.
10:14That's...
10:1470 pounds.
10:15In the middle of the night, that's not easy.
10:17But she was barking all night, and I would fall asleep for an hour, and then she would
10:21bark.
10:21Bark, bark, bark, bark.
10:22Are you actually bitter when you're walking her up?
10:24Are you talking trash to her?
10:25I'm trying to get her up.
10:26No, I just wanted to get her up as quick as possible.
10:28So are you still being like a sweet dog owner, or are you being mean to her?
10:30I was hoping she would just go into her bed and just sleep downstairs, but she doesn't
10:34do that.
10:35She wants to come upstairs, but she's got bad hips and legs, so she's...
10:40Sounds like me.
10:40It's just impossible for her to...
10:43You have to kind of force her up.
10:44Yeah.
10:44So at 1.18, I had to go down there and pick her up, and I couldn't fall asleep after
10:48that.
10:48That's rough.
10:49It was the worst night's sleep ever.
10:50Now, that's a rough night.
10:51I was telling you.
10:52You had a better night than the owner of the football team that you root for.
10:57Yorkie?
10:57So we'll talk about Jed York and what he got into.
11:00What a dumb-dumb.
11:01We'll do that next here on The Fan.
11:02Okay.
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