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Transcription
00:02:06Maximus, can't you get married already?
00:02:09Bring home a wife or at least a girlfriend?
00:02:12I need grandkids. I need you to...
00:02:14Message received, Mom.
00:02:16I need to go now. I have to inspect the new headquarters.
00:02:27Seven years.
00:02:29Seven years. Why can't I ever find you?
00:02:31And why do you still haunt me?
00:02:40Still thinking about that girl?
00:02:42Boss, it's been years.
00:02:47I'm ready to go to the inspection now.
00:02:49Your vest, sir.
00:02:51Look, first, we found her fake Christmas wife.
00:02:54She's waiting in the coffee shop.
00:02:55Blonde hair, red top.
00:02:57And, sir, make sure you use an alias.
00:02:59We can't have her knowing the Harrison Group CEO
00:03:01or she'll jack up the price.
00:03:03Good.
00:03:04Finally, I can get my mother off my back.
00:03:08Hi.
00:03:10One iced vanilla latte, please.
00:03:12And one hot chocolate.
00:03:14I can't wait to finally meet my new daddy.
00:03:17Now Auntie Deborah and Pamela can't say I have no daddy anymore.
00:03:23Sweetie, remember, it's just pretend.
00:03:25It's just for Christmas.
00:03:26But, Mommy, why do we have to rent in Daddy?
00:03:29Where's my real one?
00:03:33Uh...
00:03:38I'll tell you when you're older.
00:03:39Sweetie, why don't you go find us a table?
00:03:49Daddy!
00:03:50Oh, what?
00:03:59I'm sorry.
00:04:01I'm not your dad.
00:04:03No, I know you're my daddy just as handsome as I thought.
00:04:06Oh.
00:04:07Mommy, hurry.
00:04:09Your fake Christmas husband has arrived.
00:04:18I asked the agency for an average-looking guy.
00:04:21He's gorgeous.
00:04:23Ah.
00:04:28Why does she feel so familiar?
00:04:31She's waiting in the coffee shop.
00:04:33Blonde hair, red top.
00:04:35You must be my new Christmas husband.
00:04:38So, you're my new Christmas wife.
00:04:40See, I knew you were the new daddy we hired, right?
00:04:43Hi, my name's Cybert.
00:04:44What's your name?
00:04:45Sam didn't say anything about a kid.
00:04:48Max, Aurelius.
00:04:50Eva.
00:04:51I think we should probably sit and discuss the details of this fake marriage.
00:04:55I just need a wife for the holidays.
00:04:58I guess mom gets her grandkid, too.
00:05:01So, per hour agreement, the rate is $1,000 per hour, and...
00:05:07$1,000 an hour?
00:05:09Well, yeah.
00:05:11It's $500 a day.
00:05:13Is that enough?
00:05:14That's the most that I can pay you.
00:05:15Wait, you're paying me $500 a day?
00:05:17That's what I agreed with the agency.
00:05:20You'll make your thousands over the week.
00:05:21Look, my requirements are simple, okay?
00:05:24Play my pretend husband, come with me to my hometown, and we all pretend to be one big happy family.
00:05:29And then my family will get off my back, so Piper can have a good Christmas for once.
00:05:35So, she's getting pressure from her folks, too.
00:05:38Fine.
00:05:40But you have to help me get my mom off my case, too.
00:05:44Okay.
00:05:45Deal.
00:05:48Ready to go get married?
00:06:03Oh, clean up nice.
00:06:06This is my wedding day, after all.
00:06:08Pictures.
00:06:17Gaga, you're supposed to look like you're in love.
00:06:41Touching.
00:06:42Okay.
00:06:43Well, I think we got it.
00:06:44Oh, I need some photos of us together, too.
00:06:48To prove to my parents that I'm actually married and have a happy family.
00:06:52Yeah.
00:06:53Of course.
00:07:03Happy holidays, Mom.
00:07:05From my family to you.
00:07:15Bad news, boss.
00:07:16The agency said that the girl that they recruited to be your fake wife, bailed last minute.
00:07:20Wait, she bailed?
00:07:22And who is...
00:07:26Who is she?
00:07:28Whatever.
00:07:29It doesn't matter.
00:07:31I've got what I need.
00:07:34Sam, don't worry about it.
00:07:36I already found someone.
00:07:42Okay, well, I think it's time for us to go.
00:07:45Christmas shopping waits for no one.
00:07:47Christmas shopping?
00:07:49I should come.
00:07:51Look, if you want me to be the husband in this fake-it-to-your-family plan,
00:07:54I think I should have some say in the gifts.
00:07:57It will make it more believable.
00:08:01Fine.
00:08:02Yeah, fine.
00:08:03Okay.
00:08:03You can come.
00:08:12Let's go.
00:08:12Which mall are we going to?
00:08:14Um, I can't think that way.
00:08:16Oh, let's go to the bank.
00:08:29Sam, is Maximus pulling another one of his goddamn elaborate pranks again?
00:08:34Give me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
00:08:40She does kind of look like him.
00:08:45So, when we give these gifts to my parents, we will say they're from you.
00:08:50Here, let me get this.
00:08:53I'm going to love you, Max.
00:08:56Also, I was, uh, thinking that since we're married,
00:09:01we should probably kiss once or twice in front of them.
00:09:07Okay.
00:09:08Should we use our tongues, or...?
00:09:10No, no, definitely not.
00:09:12And absolutely no...
00:09:13Sex?
00:09:14Yes.
00:09:16This is strictly business.
00:09:18Hmm.
00:09:18Anything physical outside of that is not happening.
00:09:21What?
00:09:23Afraid you'll fall for me?
00:09:26I just don't want Piper to have messy complications
00:09:28getting in the way of her having a good Christmas.
00:09:32Let's go.
00:09:39Here.
00:09:40What are you doing?
00:09:41I've never let my woman pick up the tab.
00:09:45Well, I'm not your woman, and this isn't a real relationship,
00:09:48and I don't want your money.
00:09:52Attention shoppers, all bakery items are now 50% off.
00:09:5550% off pies?
00:09:56Quick, go grab a dozen pumpkin pies.
00:09:58Twelve pumpkin pies.
00:09:59I hear this right?
00:10:00They're the best kind.
00:10:01Hurry up and go.
00:10:02Go.
00:10:02What are you standing here for?
00:10:06Hello there.
00:10:07Hi.
00:10:07You ready?
00:10:08Yes.
00:10:08Yeah.
00:10:08Just these things.
00:10:09Okay, great.
00:10:10We have a holiday special today.
00:10:12Spend $500, get 10% off, and you are just short $15 if you want to take advantage of the
00:10:18deal.
00:10:18Oh, great.
00:10:19Yeah.
00:10:20What do you have that's just $15?
00:10:22Oh, you get a move on.
00:10:24I just got here.
00:10:26Relax.
00:10:27Yeah, yeah.
00:10:30Here, this will do the trick.
00:10:32Okay, thank you.
00:10:35Hurry up and pay.
00:10:38I will pay when I'm ready.
00:10:40You can wait your turn.
00:10:45Thank you.
00:10:46Damn, my fake wife has some fire in her.
00:10:55Oh, wait, wait, wait, not the pies, not the pies.
00:10:57You can just set those on top.
00:11:01Okay.
00:11:03Hi, guys.
00:11:05And I hand you all these pies.
00:11:10Thank you.
00:11:11Of course.
00:11:12Thank you so much.
00:11:14Of course.
00:11:14I hope you like pumpkin.
00:11:16Thank you.
00:11:16She bought all 12 pies.
00:11:18Don't worry, I have enough for everybody.
00:11:20Just to give it away.
00:11:22Thank you.
00:11:23Merry Christmas.
00:11:24Merry Christmas.
00:11:29What?
00:11:30Do you do that often?
00:11:33As often as I can.
00:11:38We should go.
00:11:39We gotta pick up paper.
00:11:43Watch out.
00:12:03You done feeling me up?
00:12:06Shut up.
00:12:07Sorry, I was just in character, wifey.
00:12:09Well, stay out of character until Christmas.
00:12:16and don't be late.
00:12:27And don't be late.
00:12:29Harrison Group?
00:12:30Do you do construction for them or something?
00:12:33Sort of.
00:12:35Not that I'm judging.
00:12:36I just need to get my story straight or my mom will eat both of us alive.
00:12:41Why don't we say that you do mid-level management for Harrison Group?
00:12:44I think that's respectful.
00:12:47Can we pick another company?
00:12:48No.
00:12:50Harrison Group is perfect.
00:12:51And they'll find it impressive.
00:12:53My cousin's husband works for them, too.
00:12:54So, it's perfect.
00:13:00Oh, and, uh, wear something nice for Christmas dinner?
00:13:03Don't worry.
00:13:04Okay, I clean up nicely.
00:13:06I wouldn't embarrass you.
00:13:09Too much.
00:13:31Let's go, Sam.
00:13:32It's time to check out the new HQ site.
00:13:34Hold on, you're covered in water, and you have a hair on your shoulder, and it's not yours.
00:13:39It's my daughter's.
00:13:41My daughter's.
00:13:43Give me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
00:14:01Hey, there they are!
00:14:02Hey!
00:14:03Hey!
00:14:03I'm taking it!
00:14:05Oh, that.
00:14:07Aren't you needed?
00:14:07Oh, I missed you.
00:14:10So, where's this mysterious husband we heard all about?
00:14:14Keep coming.
00:14:15Please don't tell me Maximus failed.
00:14:17Good, good, good.
00:14:19So, heard you got a new hubby, sweetie.
00:14:23When's he arriving?
00:14:25Oh, it's probably just some story she cooked up to stop people talking.
00:14:29Poor thing.
00:14:30Not surprising.
00:14:31I mean, she's 30.
00:14:33Once a woman hits that age, you become undateable.
00:14:36Plus, a kid looks so bad on dating apps.
00:14:42This is exactly why I refuse to come home single this Christmas.
00:14:46Auntie Pamela?
00:14:47Debbie?
00:14:48Debbie?
00:14:48My dating life, quite frankly, is none of your concern.
00:14:51We're only worried about you.
00:14:53All these years without a husband.
00:14:55Zip it, Pamela.
00:14:58You know, you always spoiled her rotten.
00:15:00And look what happened.
00:15:02She got knocked up out of wedlock, raising a kid all alone.
00:15:05I'm not alone.
00:15:07Mm-hmm.
00:15:08And what does this mysterious husband do?
00:15:13He's a manager.
00:15:15Manager?
00:15:16Of what?
00:15:18Trash.
00:15:20Probably a cover for criminal activity.
00:15:24You don't have to lie to us, Eva.
00:15:28Actually, he's right here.
00:15:32Oh, wow.
00:15:35Wow, he is really good looking.
00:15:39Ah, must be AI.
00:15:41Mm-hmm.
00:15:41Congratulations, Eva, on your Photoshop skills.
00:15:45Fake.
00:15:45That's enough.
00:15:46She's our daughter and your niece.
00:15:49Show some respect.
00:15:50Remember last year when I introduced you to my husband's nephew, William,
00:15:55and you turned him down?
00:15:57Well, guess what?
00:15:58William works for the Harrison Group now.
00:16:01Makes 500 grand.
00:16:03A year.
00:16:04That's half a million.
00:16:06Half a million.
00:16:08Girls are lining up for him all the way to New York.
00:16:11And speak of the devil.
00:16:16Willie, you made it.
00:16:28There you are.
00:16:30Oh, look at you now.
00:16:33Living the dream.
00:16:34Oh, just think, Eva.
00:16:37Well, you could be driving around in a car like that had you not married that criminal waste manager.
00:16:42So married, huh?
00:16:44Is it serious?
00:16:47That's what marriage is.
00:16:48It's pretty serious.
00:16:50Wow.
00:16:51You must have rushed the tithing out, huh?
00:16:53Makes sense, though.
00:16:55You not being a hot young thing anymore.
00:16:58Dragging that kid around with no daddy.
00:17:00Yeah, a bullet dodged, Willie.
00:17:03Meanwhile, you're climbing the Harrison Group ladder.
00:17:07That's right.
00:17:08Just bought this brand new suit with my Christmas bonus.
00:17:12Women love a man in red.
00:17:14And sexy, like Santa Claus.
00:17:17Want to sit on my lap?
00:17:19Don't touch me.
00:17:20Oh, so entitled.
00:17:23Williams, a successful man of taste, not waste.
00:17:27And yet, for some reason, he's willing to overlook your baggage.
00:17:31I mean, look at that car.
00:17:33Did your husband afford anything even close to that?
00:17:36Think of the life I can give you and Piper with all my Harrison Group money.
00:17:40Ditch your nobody husband and marry me instead.
00:17:44I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth.
00:17:52My mom would never marry you.
00:17:54She already has us, and he's going to kick your butt.
00:18:00Is that so?
00:18:02Well, then, where is he?
00:18:04Because I don't see him.
00:18:06Does anyone see him?
00:18:10No, just like I thought.
00:18:12Telling lies just like Mommy.
00:18:15That puts you on the naughty list.
00:18:18And let me show you what happens to naughty children.
00:18:23Hey.
00:18:24Mommy.
00:18:25Hey, are you okay?
00:18:27Yes.
00:18:28Oh, my God.
00:18:29I want to take her in and get her packed up, okay?
00:18:31Come on, honey.
00:18:32Let's go.
00:18:34What the hell's the matter with you?
00:18:36How dare you put your filthy hands on my daughter?
00:18:40Let me go.
00:18:42Now, why would I go and do a thing like that when I'm having such a good time?
00:18:47Let me go.
00:18:50Let me go.
00:19:02Touch my wife again, and I will snap every finger that you've got.
00:19:09Max, you came.
00:19:11Don't worry, sweetie.
00:19:15Where's Piper?
00:19:16William Hitter.
00:19:18Mom, I'm dead.
00:19:19I'm taking her inside.
00:19:20Well, it looks like we have a real Grinch to dispose of.
00:19:23Well, well, well.
00:19:24If it isn't a waste manager I've been hearing so much about.
00:19:28That's right.
00:19:30Now, I'm about to take out the trash.
00:19:34Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
00:19:36It's an honor to meet you.
00:19:38I'm Max.
00:19:39Eva told us all about you.
00:19:41From New York.
00:19:42Polite.
00:19:42Handsome.
00:19:43Just like she said.
00:19:45Wow.
00:19:47He was an AI.
00:19:48See?
00:19:49He's real.
00:19:50And he's more of a man here than William would ever dream to be.
00:19:54Son of a bitch.
00:19:55You just ruined my suit.
00:19:57And watch the way that you drive that...
00:19:59That pristine automobile.
00:20:01That car?
00:20:02Oh, my God.
00:20:03That's worth more than a house.
00:20:06That car?
00:20:07It was all over the news when the CEO of the Harrison Group bought it.
00:20:11Wait.
00:20:13Are you?
00:20:18Like I said, I'm just Eva's husband.
00:20:21And that's all he needs to know.
00:20:23I'm not here to put on a show for anyone.
00:20:25You really are a criminal, aren't you?
00:20:27You stole it.
00:20:29That car belongs to the CEO of my company.
00:20:31Jesus.
00:20:32How did you get away with it?
00:20:33That's what I want to know.
00:20:35Enough, please.
00:20:38I trust my daughter.
00:20:40She would never marry a queen.
00:20:44Max, be honest with me.
00:20:46Where did that car come from?
00:20:48How much did you want for it?
00:20:50I'll pay you more money than you'd make it three lifetimes.
00:20:54So?
00:20:55You need a breath, man.
00:20:59Hey, that's it.
00:21:00I'm calling the cops.
00:21:01Oh, way ahead of you.
00:21:03Wait.
00:21:04What?
00:21:05What?
00:21:06Are you feeling nervous, Eva?
00:21:08Oh, well.
00:21:09Too late.
00:21:17Listen, hon.
00:21:17I believe you.
00:21:19But how could Max afford a car like that?
00:21:23Mr. Smith, don't worry.
00:21:25It's my car.
00:21:26Okay?
00:21:26It's not stolen.
00:21:27Yeah?
00:21:28If it's yours, then prove it.
00:21:30Thank you.
00:21:31Cops will be here in 15 minutes.
00:21:34Enjoy Christmas behind bars.
00:21:35Okay.
00:21:36I'll prove that it's mine.
00:21:37But then you have to get lost.
00:21:39And never show your face around my wife or child again.
00:21:42Oh.
00:21:43So you're a tough guy, huh?
00:21:45Well, I hope they serve eggnog in prison.
00:21:47Loser.
00:21:47Say one more word, and I'll give him a real reason to take me in.
00:21:52Jesus.
00:21:53Maybe he is a crime boss.
00:21:55It's kind of sexy, though.
00:21:59Here.
00:22:00Title and proof of ownership.
00:22:10Mr. Harrison?
00:22:14Mr. Harrison?
00:22:18Mr. Harrison?
00:22:19He's really alone.
00:22:22Merry Christmas, Willie.
00:22:24Now get the fuck out of here before I kick your ass all the way up to the North Pole.
00:22:28Yes, sir.
00:22:29I'm so sorry, sir.
00:22:31Please, please, please.
00:22:32Please, please.
00:22:39Please, please.
00:22:43Oh, that William, what a jerk, huh?
00:22:47He fooled me.
00:22:48What can I say?
00:22:49Let's not let this little misunderstanding ruin the holidays.
00:22:53Oh, now you don't want to ruin Christmas?
00:22:55Oh, come on, Ada.
00:22:56We were just looking out for you.
00:22:59Please forgive us, Mr. Harrison.
00:23:01You know my youngest son is graduating soon.
00:23:04Do you think that you could help him get his foot in the door?
00:23:07A job at the Harrison Group, even in the mailroom, would open doors.
00:23:12We are family, aren't we?
00:23:14Family takes care of each other.
00:23:18If you guys want a job at the Harrison Group, you can put in an application like everyone else.
00:23:22Abigail, come on, talk to her for us.
00:23:26Didn't you just say that my daughter was undateable?
00:23:29Yeah.
00:23:29I think you need to take care of your own issues first.
00:23:32My daughter is just far too busy doing her best life for my new son-in-law.
00:23:38Come on, guys, let's go in.
00:23:40Welcome to the family.
00:23:44Welcome.
00:23:45Come on.
00:23:45Come on.
00:23:49This is your fault, Pam.
00:23:51You can't tell the difference between AI and reality.
00:23:55My fault?
00:23:56You were the one who was pushing her onto that worm, William.
00:24:09Hey, how do you have that car?
00:24:11And how do you know the CEO of Harrison Group?
00:24:13And how do you...
00:24:14I told you.
00:24:15I work for Harrison Group, remember?
00:24:16I have a friend in high places.
00:24:19A friend who just hands you keys to million-dollar, one-of-a-kind luxury cars?
00:24:24Yes.
00:24:25It's the season of giving.
00:24:27He knows people.
00:24:28Has connections.
00:24:29He's a big deal kind of guy.
00:24:32You're a crime boss, aren't you?
00:24:34And you best not forget it, capiche?
00:24:36Oh my God, just don't blow your cover.
00:24:39Dad!
00:24:40Mom!
00:24:41Thank you so much for letting Max and I stay in your home.
00:24:44Oh, honey.
00:24:45We're just so happy that you found such a handsome, strong, good-looking.
00:24:52I think they get it, huh?
00:24:55Uh, how's Piper?
00:24:57Oh, she's fine.
00:24:58One of you guys just gets so in and we will go check on her.
00:25:02And if your mom takes a cold shower, we'll come back and finish decorating the tree.
00:25:07Great.
00:25:07All right, see you in a bit.
00:25:08Joey?
00:25:09What are you doing?
00:25:12Okay.
00:25:14Hey, was that not a, uh, breach of contract?
00:25:20Relax.
00:25:21It was just a hug.
00:25:23Ugh.
00:25:25We just got here and I'm already exhausted.
00:25:28You'll be okay.
00:25:29It's just one week.
00:25:30Kill me now.
00:25:31Well, I would, but I need to get paid.
00:25:39What are you doing?
00:25:41It was weird.
00:25:42They were so lovey-dovey just a second we got in.
00:25:45I don't know.
00:25:46Something just falls off.
00:25:47Come on.
00:25:47This is ridiculous.
00:25:49I mean, what do you want to do?
00:25:51Make out progress?
00:25:52Approve it?
00:25:53Oh, yes.
00:25:54Mmm.
00:25:55Later.
00:25:59Let's go.
00:26:03Here we go.
00:26:06Piper is all tucked in, honey.
00:26:08Everything looks amazing, and happy holidays.
00:26:10To the newest member of our family, Max.
00:26:13Oh.
00:26:15Welcome.
00:26:16Cheers.
00:26:16Thank you, Miss Smith.
00:26:18Looks great.
00:26:19Oh, just call me mom, honey.
00:26:21I had no idea what you liked, so I just whipped up a little bit of everything.
00:26:25But we all know what Eva's favorite Christmas dish is, right?
00:26:29Mmm.
00:26:30Oh, no.
00:26:31Mom's testing him.
00:26:32She's trying to see if he's legit.
00:26:34You mean to tell me you two are married, and you don't even know my baby girl's favorite food?
00:26:40Oh, no.
00:26:42Eva, sweetie.
00:26:43Kicking my foot.
00:26:44Oh, sorry, mom.
00:26:46I...
00:26:46Oh, jeez.
00:26:48Come on.
00:26:48What'd you do?
00:26:49It's okay.
00:26:50Mom, of course he knows it.
00:26:52I would like to hear Max say it.
00:27:00Um...
00:27:07Twelve pumpkin pies.
00:27:08Did I hear this right?
00:27:09They're the best kind.
00:27:12Well, of course.
00:27:13It's...
00:27:13It's pumpkin pie.
00:27:15See?
00:27:16Are you happy now?
00:27:17That's good, but something still falls off.
00:27:20Mom, don't make it weird, okay?
00:27:23We had a whirlwind romance, and we eloped before we got to know everything about each other.
00:27:29But our marriage is real.
00:27:31I guess your mom's just watching too many of those real short shows.
00:27:35Ah, now those are quality.
00:27:38Okay, well, then answer this.
00:27:41Where's your wedding ring, Eva?
00:27:45Where's your wedding ring, Eva?
00:27:49I knew it was a good idea to pick this up.
00:27:52Well, um, it's...
00:27:54Silly face.
00:27:55Dropped it outside on the sidewalk.
00:27:58Luckily, I was there to pick it up for her.
00:28:01Silly face.
00:28:03I am not paying extra for this.
00:28:05Consider it a Christmas gift.
00:28:08That's Lazarus.
00:28:09That's nice.
00:28:11You can afford this on a waste manager's salary?
00:28:14Well, believe it or not, Miss Smith, there is a lot of garbage out there.
00:28:17And I'm not just talking about William.
00:28:20I'll drink to that.
00:28:21Guys, I agree with you there.
00:28:23So, come on, guys.
00:28:24Let's see.
00:28:38And this is where y'all will be staying.
00:28:40Hey, I have another room set up for Piper.
00:28:44Nice and festive for you.
00:28:46No complications, right?
00:28:48Sorry, honey.
00:28:49Uh, mom, you know what?
00:28:50I should stay with Piper tonight.
00:28:52Oh, honey.
00:28:53Newlyweds shouldn't sleep apart.
00:28:56Oh, I just remembered.
00:28:58The city's turning the water off at 10.
00:29:00Something about water conservation.
00:29:02That means you have 15 minutes to shower.
00:29:0515 minutes?
00:29:07I mean, it's no big deal.
00:29:08Just shower together.
00:29:10Shower together?
00:29:14Just shower together.
00:29:16Okay, you guys.
00:29:17Have a good night, okay?
00:29:22You heard her.
00:29:44Oh, no!
00:29:46Why are you stripping?
00:29:48Well, I can't take a shower with my clothes on.
00:29:51Come on, we're wasting time.
00:29:52You have 15 minutes.
00:29:53Nice try.
00:29:54I am not showering with you.
00:29:56All right, suit yourself.
00:29:57More room for me in there.
00:29:59Not if I reach you there first.
00:30:17Come on, Max.
00:30:18Get out of the way.
00:30:20We agreed, nothing physical.
00:30:22You're the one with the dirty thoughts, wifey.
00:30:24Relax.
00:30:25I won't touch you.
00:30:27Unless you say you want me to.
00:30:30But that'll cost extra.
00:30:33Yeah.
00:30:34Yeah.
00:30:41In your dreams.
00:30:44Here to join me.
00:30:47I'm here to join me.
00:30:57I'm here to join me.
00:31:05You know, if you keep staring at my ass, you're not going to have me shower while you're left.
00:31:08You wish.
00:31:10Why aren't you getting in?
00:31:11Pray you'll call for me.
00:31:14It's you who has to worry about resisting me.
00:31:16Oh, yeah?
00:31:18Oh, yeah.
00:31:30Holy shit.
00:31:34Um, this is, um, this is going to be harder than I thought.
00:31:39I'll say.
00:31:40What happened to all that cool guy I caught in?
00:31:43Still think you can lose it.
00:31:47Baby, I don't think I want you.
00:31:54I really shouldn't.
00:31:58Or maybe we should.
00:32:01God, this is such a good kisser.
00:32:03Why does this feel so familiar?
00:32:12Mom, we're so sexy.
00:32:23Max, we cannot do this.
00:32:25What?
00:32:26I didn't mean to cross any...
00:32:27It's not you, Max.
00:32:29It's us.
00:32:29It's this.
00:32:30This is all an act.
00:32:31Let's not make it more complicated than it is.
00:32:34You're right.
00:32:36I'm sorry.
00:32:37I just need to be sorry.
00:32:39You just...
00:32:48That birthmark.
00:32:54What is that?
00:32:56It's him.
00:32:57The man from New Year's.
00:32:58Is he Piper's father?
00:33:04Why are you acting?
00:33:07Oh my God.
00:33:09Max is Piper's father.
00:33:11Are you okay?
00:33:13Yeah.
00:33:14I just, um...
00:33:16I just got lightheaded.
00:33:17I think I just need a few more minutes.
00:33:19Alone.
00:33:21Of course.
00:33:25We have a daughter together.
00:33:27Oh my God.
00:33:28What do I do?
00:33:35I'm gonna sleep on the floor.
00:33:37You can take the bed.
00:33:39Thanks.
00:33:42Hey.
00:33:43Are you sure you're okay?
00:33:45Look, fake marriage aside.
00:33:47I'm your husband for the next few days.
00:33:49So if there's something you need,
00:33:51I can help.
00:33:52I want to help.
00:33:54He's Piper's father.
00:33:56He has a right to know.
00:33:58Um...
00:33:59Max?
00:34:01How would you feel
00:34:02if you found out
00:34:04you had a kid?
00:34:08A child?
00:34:10No, no, no.
00:34:10That's...
00:34:11That's impossible.
00:34:12I'm very careful.
00:34:15Mostly.
00:34:17I just mean
00:34:18I'm not the type of guy
00:34:19to sleep around.
00:34:20Family to me
00:34:20is a big commitment
00:34:22and
00:34:22I don't want
00:34:23any loose ends.
00:34:25You know?
00:34:26Right.
00:34:27He wouldn't want
00:34:28a kid tying him down.
00:34:30I shouldn't tell him
00:34:31about Piper.
00:34:32Why do you ask?
00:34:34No reason.
00:34:35Just...
00:34:36Just curious.
00:34:37No, I...
00:34:38I feel like you're
00:34:39going somewhere
00:34:40with this.
00:34:41What?
00:34:43No.
00:34:44Well, then
00:34:44can I ask you
00:34:46a question?
00:34:47Shoot.
00:34:52Where did you get these?
00:34:54And how did you know
00:34:55my exact size?
00:34:57I did not get those.
00:34:59I don't know
00:34:59where those came from.
00:35:00Are you sure
00:35:01you're just not trying
00:35:02to break the contract?
00:35:06Woo!
00:35:20Elon,
00:35:21the truth is
00:35:22is that I...
00:35:26Go, go, go, go, go.
00:35:28Just a second.
00:35:30Come in.
00:35:31Hey, Helen.
00:35:43Oh!
00:35:45Sorry for interrupting,
00:35:46but Piper is asking
00:35:48for a bedtime story
00:35:49before I tuck her in.
00:35:50Think you could take
00:35:51this one, Dad?
00:35:51We're kind of
00:35:52in the middle
00:35:52of something.
00:35:54I can see that.
00:35:56Well, why don't
00:35:56I read it to her?
00:35:57I mean, if you don't...
00:35:58if you don't mind.
00:36:00Well, I had a boy.
00:36:02You know what?
00:36:02Just put a shirt on.
00:36:03I'm gonna go get her.
00:36:05Piper!
00:36:06Here comes Grandpa!
00:36:09He sprang to his sleigh,
00:36:11to his team gave a whistle,
00:36:13and away they all flew,
00:36:15like the down of a thistle.
00:36:17But I heard him exclaim
00:36:18as he drove out of sight,
00:36:21Merry Christmas to all,
00:36:23and to all,
00:36:24a good night.
00:36:28If Piper knew
00:36:29he was her real dad,
00:36:30she'd be over the moon.
00:36:32Good night, Piper.
00:36:37Is her dad still around?
00:36:39Yeah, but he doesn't know it,
00:36:41because you're her dad.
00:36:43Uh, no.
00:36:44That man has no idea
00:36:46what a treasure
00:36:49he's missing out on.
00:36:53Do you really think so?
00:36:55from the bottom of my heart.
00:36:57Maybe I should tell him.
00:36:59He deserves to know.
00:37:06Max.
00:37:11You're...
00:37:11Piper's father.
00:37:19I'll tell you when the time's right.
00:37:45Where's Piper?
00:37:47She must have snuck off
00:37:49while we were asleep.
00:38:05God, he's such a good kisser.
00:38:16Just gonna kiss and run?
00:38:18Not on my watch.
00:38:23Yeah, this.
00:38:25I remember this.
00:38:37Good morning, you two love bugs.
00:38:39How was your stay
00:38:40at Chateau Smith?
00:38:42Good morning, Miss Smith.
00:38:44It was, uh, it was great.
00:38:46Wonderful.
00:38:47Well, it's about to get even better.
00:38:51Oh, no.
00:38:52What is that?
00:38:53Sardines and saltines.
00:38:54It's a Smith family classic.
00:38:56It was my gram-grams favorite
00:38:58during wartime.
00:38:59Don't be shy.
00:39:00Go ahead, grab a handful.
00:39:03Max, you don't have to.
00:39:04No, no, no.
00:39:05It's okay.
00:39:06It's a...
00:39:06Smith family staple.
00:39:10It's over there.
00:39:26Good?
00:39:28Good?
00:39:29Good?
00:39:31Grumpy.
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