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jamesmovies
#comedy
#comedymovie
Transcript
00:00:17Don't move!
00:00:19Don't move!
00:00:20Show me your hands!
00:00:21Show them to me!
00:00:22I'll blow your freaking head off!
00:00:25Don't believe me?
00:00:26Test me!
00:00:27Test me!
00:00:34What the hell was that?
00:00:36What?
00:00:36What are you talking about?
00:00:38That's my intimidating-to-get-the-guy-to-comply voice.
00:00:41Test me?
00:00:42Test me?
00:00:43And you're spitting everywhere?
00:00:44You got the crazy eyes?
00:00:45You sound like a deranged lunatic.
00:00:46Yeah, yeah.
00:00:47I want the guy to think I'm crazy.
00:00:48You know, like a loose cannon.
00:00:49You know, that's how Ali beat Liston.
00:00:51Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:00:52See, Ali convinced Liston that Ali was crazy.
00:00:54It's a well-known fact that tough guys are afraid of crazy people.
00:00:57That's stupid.
00:00:58I'll show you how it's done.
00:01:11It's not worth it, pal.
00:01:13Why don't you do yourself a favor and drop the gun?
00:01:17And we'll all walk out of here nice and easy.
00:01:27Did you wink at the gay?
00:01:29Maybe.
00:01:30And what's with the whisper?
00:01:31Are you here to arrest him or to turn him on?
00:01:33Because quite frankly, you're turning me on.
00:01:35No, no, no.
00:01:36I mean, are you here to kiss him or to cuff him?
00:01:38I'm trying to show I'm in control.
00:01:40Like the strong, silent type like Clint Eastwood.
00:01:42Clint Eastwood?
00:01:43Clint Eastwood's sexy and alluring.
00:01:44Uh, I'm sexy and alluring.
00:01:46That was my nickname in high school.
00:01:47Sexy and alluring.
00:01:48You sure it wasn't crying in bedwetting?
00:01:50Hey, hey, what are you two guys still doing here?
00:01:53We're holding jobs.
00:01:55Get on patrol.
00:02:07You know what?
00:02:08Last week, we forgot about it.
00:02:09Before we do anything else, beginning of our tour, we need to buy lottery tickets.
00:02:13It's like 400 million tonight.
00:02:14I don't want to miss it.
00:02:15Yeah, I'm kind of tired of playing the lottery.
00:02:17What?
00:02:18You never win.
00:02:19You're tired.
00:02:20Tired.
00:02:21Are you tired of possibly buying mansions?
00:02:23Are you tired of possibly buying yachts?
00:02:25Are you tired of having fresh baked pies brought to you by beautiful women?
00:02:30That's what you do with the money?
00:02:31Yeah, that's right.
00:02:32I'm not ashamed of fresh baked pies and my love of fresh baked pies.
00:02:36Matter of fact, I would get fresh baked pies brought to me by beautiful women wearing aprons
00:02:41that say I love to bake pie.
00:02:43I love pies so much, I would get a pie-shaped swimming pool just to piss you off and you
00:02:48couldn't swim in it.
00:02:49Okay, first off, that's a circle.
00:02:50Okay, a lot of swimming pools are circles.
00:02:51Okay?
00:02:51Okay, but that's just a piece of 400 million dollars and it's all you're going to put it
00:02:54into is pies?
00:02:55No, I don't know.
00:02:56I mean, I'd buy stores or something.
00:02:57You know what?
00:02:58Those lingerie shops make a lot of money.
00:03:00I'd buy Victoria's Secrets.
00:03:02You know what?
00:03:02I always tell you this.
00:03:03It's not Victoria's Secrets.
00:03:04It's Victoria's Secret.
00:03:06There's only one secret.
00:03:07It's not multiple secrets.
00:03:08Well, I would travel too.
00:03:09Like to where?
00:03:10Well, I would go someplace exotic like Rome or Italy.
00:03:14That's the same place.
00:03:15That's the same place.
00:03:16Good.
00:03:16I'm saving money.
00:03:17They're in the same spot.
00:03:17That's fantastic.
00:03:18Wait, forget about me.
00:03:19What would you do, big shot, with your head?
00:03:21I have a plan.
00:03:22Yeah, what's your plan?
00:03:23I would buy a circus and bring it back to prominence.
00:03:26See?
00:03:26That's the difference between you and me, Murphy.
00:03:28I think things through.
00:03:29I use my brain.
00:03:30You don't think things through.
00:03:31You ever know any idea what it's like to run a circus?
00:03:34I don't know.
00:03:34What's the problem?
00:03:35What's the problem?
00:03:36Elephant poop is this big.
00:03:37You got to clean that up.
00:03:38It's the size of bowling balls.
00:03:39Plus, what if you get into a fight with a clown?
00:03:41Now you got to fire a clown?
00:03:43They're spooky people, you know.
00:03:44I don't trust those clowns.
00:03:45I wouldn't just be on the management side.
00:03:47I'd be part of the show.
00:03:48I'd be talent.
00:03:48What talent?
00:03:49What talent do you got in a circus?
00:03:50I'd be like a lion tamer or something.
00:03:53Please.
00:03:53Need I remind you you're allergic to cats?
00:03:56So I take an allergy pill, and then I go every night.
00:03:57You know, it's fine.
00:03:58Cats don't like you.
00:03:59Are you crazy?
00:04:00Cats love me.
00:04:00No, they don't.
00:04:01Find a cat right now.
00:04:02I'll make it do something.
00:04:03Find a cat right now.
00:04:05I got a text.
00:04:07One of our CIs has some information for us.
00:04:10Meet me at the regular spot.
00:04:21Why don't you get in the car, punk?
00:04:23Taylor, cuff him.
00:04:25Toss him, too.
00:04:26He's probably got a weapon on him.
00:04:28It's punks like you that give this city a bad name.
00:04:30There's not enough Rysol in all of Midtown to get your dirty sense off the streets.
00:04:34You make me sick to my stomach.
00:04:47What the hell was that?
00:04:49I am so sorry.
00:04:50I read this book on method acting, and I thought if I really got into it, I'd make it look
00:04:54more
00:04:54real, and no one would know you're a criminal informant working for us.
00:04:57I might have gone too far.
00:04:58Oh, you think?
00:04:59It's trash like you that give this city a bad name?
00:05:03There isn't enough Lysol in Midtown to clean the stench off your dirty deeds?
00:05:07I told him to stop watching Hill Street Blues.
00:05:09Yeah, the reruns still hold up.
00:05:11It's just hurtful.
00:05:12Informants have feelings, too.
00:05:19Nah, for real, though, I appreciate the ride, fellas.
00:05:22Ah, come on, man.
00:05:22You're a good guy.
00:05:23You're just a hard-working, stiff, tight-of-seeing crime in his neighborhood.
00:05:26Yeah, I mean, we wish there were more people like you.
00:05:27It's very courageous what you're doing.
00:05:29Besides, we don't look at you as an informant.
00:05:31I mean, you're actually a friend.
00:05:33Thanks, man.
00:05:34You know, y'all are right.
00:05:36Y'all are right.
00:05:36Oh, oh, oh.
00:05:37All right.
00:05:37Just all right?
00:05:38Just all right?
00:05:38You're not just all right, y'all.
00:05:40We're pouring our hearts out here, giving you compliments.
00:05:42We go from here to here with just all right.
00:05:45You know, we're hugging and kissing.
00:05:46Now you're getting all fresh.
00:05:47Jesus Christ.
00:05:48It is a good compliment.
00:05:55This is good, soothing music.
00:06:00I'll tell you what, though.
00:06:01Mm-hmm.
00:06:02Nobody beats the best good old Bing.
00:06:05Bing Crosby?
00:06:05Bing Crosby, my friend.
00:06:07That's right.
00:06:08Oh, I used to love his crooner voice.
00:06:10Me, too.
00:06:11Me, too.
00:06:14What?
00:06:15What?
00:06:15I mean, what?
00:06:16You made a sound.
00:06:17We said we love Bing Crosby.
00:06:18You made a sound, and you rolled your eyes.
00:06:19No, I didn't.
00:06:20Yeah, you did.
00:06:20I didn't do any of that.
00:06:21You did.
00:06:22We said we loved Bing Crosby.
00:06:23You made a sound, and you rolled your eyes.
00:06:25I didn't.
00:06:25You so did.
00:06:26Yeah, you did.
00:06:26I heard it, too.
00:06:27See?
00:06:28See?
00:06:28Yeah, you did.
00:06:28I heard you.
00:06:29You made a slight phlegmy sound, like you were clearing your throat because you got hair
00:06:33in your mouth, like, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.
00:06:34That was even harsher than that.
00:06:35Like, he was licking sand off the floor, like, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.
00:06:38Okay, none of that happened.
00:06:39You know, besides, why don't you stay out of it?
00:06:41You're just an informant getting a ride.
00:06:42Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, a minute ago, I'm a friend.
00:06:45Now I'm just an informant getting a ride.
00:06:52Bing?
00:06:52That's the way they did it in them days.
00:06:54They went out to Hollywood.
00:06:54They gave him a nickname.
00:06:55You know, Bing.
00:06:56He's, you know, besides, the guy's a legend.
00:06:58He's an American i-clone.
00:06:59Wait, what?
00:07:00What the hell is an i-clone?
00:07:01You know, an i-clone.
00:07:03You mean icon?
00:07:04That's what I said, icon.
00:07:05You said i-clone.
00:07:06No, I think I said i-clone.
00:07:07You said i-clone.
00:07:09I think I said icon.
00:07:10I think I know what I said.
00:07:10Yeah, you said i-clone.
00:07:12Whose side are you on, anyway?
00:07:13You know what?
00:07:14Why don't you just sit back there and stick the ratting people out?
00:07:15Oh, you know what?
00:07:16I should have took an Uber.
00:07:17You know, besides, I heard he used to beat his kids.
00:07:20What?
00:07:21Mm-hmm.
00:07:21Not only that, he did it with a bag of oranges, so it didn't leave him art.
00:07:24Really?
00:07:25Mm-hmm.
00:07:25How'd you hurt somebody with a bag of oranges?
00:07:27Oh, no, it could hurt.
00:07:28I could see if you put a whole lot of oranges in a bag.
00:07:29You're gonna hurt me with a bag of oranges.
00:07:31You put those navel oranges in a bag, it's gonna really hurt him.
00:07:33Am I swinging?
00:07:33You're gonna have his navel?
00:07:34What kind of sense does that make?
00:07:35It'll hurt what?
00:07:36A little kid?
00:07:36It's not gonna hurt me?
00:07:37You ain't that tough, Buzzy.
00:07:38I hit you with a bag of oranges.
00:07:39You're gonna be hurt.
00:07:40You ain't never heard a heavyweight boxer say,
00:07:42damn, Tyson hits like a bag of oranges.
00:07:45You're so tough.
00:07:45You're so tough.
00:07:46You know what?
00:07:46Here, let's prove it right now.
00:07:47Pull over here.
00:07:48There's a fruit stand.
00:07:48Let's try it.
00:07:49Yeah, that's a good idea.
00:07:50We're gonna do a little test.
00:07:51That's a good idea.
00:07:52Let's put your money where your mouth is.
00:07:53Exactly.
00:07:55I think I read in Psychological today that now you're doing that this temper
00:07:58has to do with how hard you hit somebody.
00:08:00Yeah, he's not trying to knock them out.
00:08:01He's just trying to punish them.
00:08:02Yeah, I mean, he's gotta be disciplined.
00:08:04You ain't gonna knock anybody out with a fruit?
00:08:05You don't want to knock them out.
00:08:06It's his dad.
00:08:07Just trying to discipline the kid to teach them how to bag.
00:08:09Okay, discipline.
00:08:10Discipline me with this.
00:08:11Boom.
00:08:12Yeah, right.
00:08:12This is just like a tangerine or a clementine as I'm not.
00:08:15No, no, no, no, no.
00:08:16No, Murph, Murph, Murph.
00:08:17This is what we gotta use.
00:08:18You ain't using a banana on me.
00:08:20You ain't using a banana on me.
00:08:21Don't be a baby.
00:08:22It's just a fruit.
00:08:22You're a fruit.
00:08:24Let's keep it in the citrus family.
00:08:26Yeah, that's what we're here.
00:08:27Okay, I got him.
00:08:28Now, who's paying for this?
00:08:30Yeah, throw some money down.
00:08:30Come on.
00:08:31Don't be a degenerate.
00:08:32You know, you're the cheapest.
00:08:34We're not cheap.
00:08:35We're just frugal.
00:08:36All right, come on.
00:08:36Let's see.
00:08:37Let's see.
00:08:37Yeah, yeah.
00:08:38I'm a big prize for you right now.
00:08:39How about that?
00:08:39This is a tough guy, right?
00:08:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:08:41We can take it.
00:08:43You can take it.
00:08:43I'm going to permit you to marry me.
00:08:45I can take it.
00:08:46Yeah, yeah.
00:08:47Okay, brother.
00:08:51Wait, stop, don't go.
00:08:53I'm not done loving you.
00:08:57But a rumor and I'm hoping is not true.
00:09:03Oh, baby, change your mind.
00:09:05Why can't you say?
00:09:07You can't take a brother out with vitamin C.
00:09:10Okay, all right.
00:09:11Maybe we need extra oranges.
00:09:12We need a little bit more.
00:09:13All right, how about this?
00:09:14Give me one.
00:09:14Only two.
00:09:15Here's three each.
00:09:16Give me a karate man on the inside.
00:09:18Now you see how tough you are.
00:09:18Go ahead.
00:09:19You want to be a tough guy?
00:09:20You want to be on my own?
00:09:21If you go, I might cry.
00:09:24Fall apart and wonder why.
00:09:26So I hope you ain't helping for me.
00:09:31I'm not going to stand against my feet.
00:09:35I'm not going to be on my back.
00:09:37I'm not going to be on my own.
00:09:38I'm not going to be on my own.
00:10:04I'm not going to be on my own.
00:10:10I'm not going to be on my own.
00:10:11Uh-oh.
00:10:13Hold on, Chief.
00:10:31Two sacks of oranges, two police officers.
00:10:34Now, that is all the information that we have at this moment.
00:10:36But as soon as more information comes out,
00:10:38we will arrange a glad you're not a black man in America today.
00:10:41It's police! Police!
00:10:43Eating black men with oranges.
00:10:45I mean, what is this? Some kind of symbol for white supremacy?
00:10:47Sure sounds like it.
00:10:48You know, these people, they're getting out of control.
00:10:50Tiki torches and bags of oranges.
00:10:52It's like, when is it gonna end for our country?
00:10:55Thank you all for being here today.
00:10:57My client has had enough of police harassing him.
00:11:00This time, they've gone too far.
00:11:11The oranges are for eating, not beating.
00:11:17We can prove that in court.
00:11:19The oranges.
00:11:21Now, witnesses also placed the police officers at the food stand
00:11:25just down the street purchasing these oranges.
00:11:28We're not racist.
00:11:30I know you're not a racist.
00:11:31And you're too stupid to be a racist.
00:11:34I bet you can't even spell racist.
00:11:37Racist.
00:11:37R-A-C-Y-S-T.
00:11:40Racist.
00:11:41You know, like a cyst on society.
00:11:43No, that's not how it's spelled.
00:11:45Do you even know what a cyst is?
00:11:46Have you ever even had a cyst?
00:11:47No, no, I never had a cyst.
00:11:48But I saw one on Dr. Pimple Papa.
00:11:50You ever see that?
00:11:51Oh, they're gross.
00:11:51Yeah, it's kind of nasty.
00:11:53Oh, my God. You ever see a pop one, though?
00:11:54All the blood in the ooze and the pus comes dripping out.
00:11:56It's so gross.
00:11:57It makes me gay.
00:11:57Oh, my God.
00:11:58You know, I feel bad for the guy, but I got to watch.
00:12:00Oh, my God.
00:12:00It's like a train wreck.
00:12:01You can't look away.
00:12:02You got to seem secret.
00:12:03Absolutely.
00:12:03Everything that's coming out, you're like, oh, I got it.
00:12:04What the hell up?
00:12:07You two guys never shut up.
00:12:09Well, I don't think that's true.
00:12:10I'm amazing you're shutting up.
00:12:12I'm a little better at shutting up.
00:12:13I'm so better than you.
00:12:13I can shut up immediately.
00:12:14I can shut up for a week.
00:12:15I can shut up on a dime.
00:12:16You ready?
00:12:16You want to have a contest?
00:12:17Okay, count to three.
00:12:18Okay, all right.
00:12:19One, two, three.
00:12:21Enough!
00:12:22Do you know what?
00:12:23I hate you two guys.
00:12:26I mean, you're good cops, but this is just ridiculous.
00:12:30The nonstop bantering back and forth.
00:12:32I've had enough of this.
00:12:34All right, you got to figure this is a whole misunderstanding with Buzzy.
00:12:36He's just milking it.
00:12:38You think I don't know that?
00:12:39As a representative of the NYPD, I can't just come out and say this guy's faking it.
00:12:44After all the shit that we've been through, all the bad cops across the country will get off easy.
00:12:51So now what?
00:12:52I spoke to the commissioner, and this came from one police plaza.
00:12:56You guys are suspended for 60 days without pay pending further investigation.
00:13:02Are you serious?
00:13:03I'm very serious.
00:13:04So what are we gonna do?
00:13:05Get him to talk.
00:13:07We can't.
00:13:08With all the guys he helped put away, if they found out that he was working with us, they'd kill
00:13:12him.
00:13:12Listen, guys.
00:13:13You either give him up or retire.
00:13:15Either way, there's gonna be an investigation.
00:13:17He doesn't care about you, so just give him up.
00:13:20Can't give him up, Cap.
00:13:21He saved our life.
00:13:22And besides, I mean, what is he doing?
00:13:24Milking the city for some monetary gain?
00:13:26It's something that others do all the time.
00:13:27They're looking at criminal charges.
00:13:30Criminal charges?
00:13:31For what?
00:13:32Beating a guy with a sack of oranges?
00:13:33I mean, Bing Crosby used to do it to his kids all the time, and they all turned out fine.
00:13:37Yeah.
00:13:38Actually, two of them committed suicide.
00:13:39When the hell didn't you tell me that far I picked up the bag of oranges?
00:13:41I told you I hated Bing Crosby.
00:13:43He's nothing but trouble.
00:13:44Crosby.
00:13:45You still sure you don't want to get him to talk?
00:13:48We can.
00:13:48He's a good guy.
00:13:49We don't hate him.
00:13:50Nah.
00:13:51I don't hate him.
00:13:52But you know who I do hate?
00:13:53Bob Ross.
00:13:54Bob Ross the painter?
00:13:55Yeah, yeah.
00:13:56Why?
00:13:57I mean, why?
00:13:58He's always so positive and upbeat and rose-colored glasses.
00:14:01Are you kidding me?
00:14:02And not for nothing, I don't even like his paintings.
00:14:04They're not that good.
00:14:04I could do much better.
00:14:05You couldn't win a second grade coloring contest.
00:14:07I did win a second grade.
00:14:08You did not.
00:14:09Yes, I did.
00:14:10Get out.
00:14:11Get out of my office and get yourselves a lawyer.
00:14:14Yeah, I mean, I don't want to get ahead of myself, you know, but this is the most excited
00:14:17I've been in a long time.
00:14:18Yeah, no.
00:14:1932.
00:14:20Uh-huh.
00:14:21Yeah, cocktail waitress.
00:14:22Oh, does she dance?
00:14:23Uh-huh.
00:14:23Does she dance?
00:14:24Yeah, she dances like she has a pass that I don't know about.
00:14:26That's crazy.
00:14:27Is she hot or what?
00:14:28Uh-huh.
00:14:28No, beautiful.
00:14:31Uh-huh, beautiful.
00:14:32Yep.
00:14:33All right, I'll see you out there in the morning.
00:14:35All right.
00:14:35All right.
00:14:37Aha!
00:14:38Mistake number one.
00:14:39Never make a move without consulting your attorney.
00:14:42Body language, how you sit, where you sit, what you wear, how you wear it, everything
00:14:46subconsciously means something to a jury.
00:14:49This guy's good.
00:14:50Told ya.
00:14:50All right.
00:14:51Mr. Margaret, we have the...
00:14:52Shh!
00:14:53Rule number two.
00:14:54Never speak unless spoken to.
00:14:56It's not what you say, it's what you're not saying and how you say it.
00:14:58And how you don't say it.
00:14:59Besides, I know who you two are.
00:15:02It's everywhere.
00:15:03You're the two white cops who allegedly beat that poor, defenseless black man with a bag
00:15:10of oranges.
00:15:10It's everywhere.
00:15:11Of course I saw it.
00:15:12Everyone saw it.
00:15:12In fact, just this morning I told Jenny, my secretary, I said, why not help these guys
00:15:16out and take the case?
00:15:18Oh, that's great.
00:15:19We really appreciate it because we really don't...
00:15:20I'm gonna tell you why not.
00:15:21Because you're the two white schmucks caught on camera beating a poor, defenseless black man
00:15:26with a sack of oranges.
00:15:28Hello!
00:15:28Is anyone listening?
00:15:30So basically you can't help us.
00:15:31Help you.
00:15:32Help...
00:15:33Of course I can help you.
00:15:34You ever heard of Marvin Metzger?
00:15:37Uh...
00:15:37No.
00:15:37Of course not.
00:15:38Biggest crook this city's ever seen makes Bernie Madoff look like he stole candy from
00:15:42a bodega.
00:15:42You know why?
00:15:43You never heard of him?
00:15:44No.
00:15:44Because it never went to trial!
00:15:47I'm that good.
00:15:47I'm the best.
00:15:48I'm the only attorney who could get you two off on these charges.
00:15:50I am your only hope.
00:15:52Okay, so you'll help us?
00:15:53Hell no!
00:15:54Again, with the listening problem.
00:15:56I'd be nuts to take a case like this.
00:15:57Everybody hates you guys.
00:15:59Well, I mean, I guess...
00:16:00Thanks for your time.
00:16:01Thanks for your time.
00:16:02Listen, I guess we'll...
00:16:03Go find somebody else.
00:16:04Come back, come back, come back, come back.
00:16:08I'm gonna hate myself for this.
00:16:09Jenny!
00:16:11Jenny!
00:16:13Shit!
00:16:14Yes, Mr. Markowitz?
00:16:17Jenny, give me three corned beef on rye, mustard, extra pickles on the side from Carnegie Deli.
00:16:21What do you two want to drink?
00:16:22Dr. Pepper?
00:16:23Can you see if they have tab by any chance?
00:16:25We're gonna do two cokes.
00:16:27Look...
00:16:29I feel bad not taking the case.
00:16:30Maybe...
00:16:31Maybe this helps take the edge off.
00:16:32Maybe it helps you guys feel better.
00:16:33You know, we'll eat.
00:16:34We'll go over the case.
00:16:35Maybe I'll give you guys some advice.
00:16:37We really appreciate it.
00:16:37Because we really know who to go to.
00:16:39We have nowhere to turn.
00:16:40I don't even know what pro bono is.
00:16:41I have to charge you, of course.
00:16:42And sandwiches are a fortune.
00:16:48Can we split a sandwich?
00:16:49Is that the...
00:16:50You don't have that hunger anyway.
00:16:58Thanks.
00:17:01Let's not point the accusing finger of blaming anyone here.
00:17:04We have to figure out what we're gonna do.
00:17:06Yeah, I know.
00:17:07We're gonna lose our insurance.
00:17:09I gotta find a new doctor.
00:17:10Oh, please.
00:17:11Don't be a baby.
00:17:12That's the least of our worries.
00:17:13Not for me.
00:17:14I love my doctor.
00:17:15He's the best.
00:17:16He's been practicing for 30 years.
00:17:18Practicing for 30 years?
00:17:19Yeah, he's a top guy.
00:17:21Can't be the top guy if he's practicing for 30 years.
00:17:23He sounds like a dope.
00:17:24Why?
00:17:24Why?
00:17:25Because if he's practicing, when's he gonna turn pro?
00:17:27No, he's practicing medicine, you moron.
00:17:29Yeah, I know what practice is.
00:17:30He's practicing.
00:17:31Practicing.
00:17:31He's never gonna turn pro.
00:17:32He's like the backup quarterback that always practices and never gets into the game.
00:17:35Jeez, I hope I'm out of the line of fire here.
00:17:37Hey, Uncle Seamus.
00:17:38How you doing, Murph?
00:17:40How are you?
00:17:40Good, good to see you.
00:17:41Hey, Taylor, come on.
00:17:42Let's sit down.
00:17:42Uncle Seamus, the man, the myth, the legend.
00:17:45Hey, how'd you know we were here?
00:17:47Are you kidding?
00:17:47You're all over the internet.
00:17:48You got hate groups following you around.
00:17:51Follow yourself!
00:17:52Follow yourself!
00:17:53Follow yourself!
00:17:54Follow yourself!
00:17:56Follow yourself!
00:17:57Follow yourself!
00:17:58Right on!
00:17:59Right on!
00:18:01Listen, I gotta talk to you guys.
00:18:03Sure.
00:18:03You remember your cousin?
00:18:04Your second cousin, Joanna?
00:18:05She's in Chicago?
00:18:06Yeah, she's great.
00:18:07Yeah.
00:18:07You used to play together, but you didn't do nothing else, did you, when you were kids?
00:18:11No, no.
00:18:12She's more his type, by the way.
00:18:14Your second cousin, you might have freaks, you know, three lips, five lips, something
00:18:17like that.
00:18:17So, listen, she has a kid now.
00:18:20She was messing around with a bunch of losers, you know, and then finally some pencil
00:18:24neck geek gets her pregnant.
00:18:25She kicks him out.
00:18:26She don't want to have nothing to do with him.
00:18:28And now, Lacey is looking for her father again.
00:18:32She saw him once, now she wants to reconnect.
00:18:34Lacey's the kid, right?
00:18:35Lacey's the kid.
00:18:36How old?
00:18:36I don't know, 16, 18, something like that.
00:18:38Okay, and where's the dad?
00:18:40Vancouver.
00:18:41He's in Spain?
00:18:44Canada.
00:18:45When did they move it?
00:18:46Okay, why didn't she just fly to see him?
00:18:48She's afraid of flying, and I can't drive cross country like that no more because of
00:18:53the gout.
00:18:53You have gout?
00:18:55Yeah, I got the gout.
00:18:56What are you, like an 1854 pirate or something like that?
00:18:59You have scurvy as well?
00:19:00Hey, me gout and me scurvy are acting up.
00:19:02It's a real thing, and it's painful.
00:19:04No, no, he's right.
00:19:05I heard of those old diseases.
00:19:06You know, like when Sergeant Peters, you know, that email going around saying that he had
00:19:10the plague?
00:19:11That's what you thought the email said?
00:19:12It said he was getting a plaque, an award.
00:19:14You might have given him an award for having the plague.
00:19:16No, no.
00:19:17Is that why you didn't want to shake his hand at one time?
00:19:18God, that was so awkward.
00:19:19Could have been contagious.
00:19:20I don't want to get the plague or the gout or the whooping cough or the scurvy.
00:19:24I don't want any of those.
00:19:24Yeah, you know what?
00:19:25But they're old time diseases.
00:19:26I bet you the new stuff is way more dangerous.
00:19:27Probably is.
00:19:28You know, because you got computers, technology, they're smarter.
00:19:30Will you two shut up?
00:19:32Listen to me.
00:19:33I need you to take my niece to go see her deadbeat father.
00:19:37I don't want some self-serve sissy-ass snowflake taking her.
00:19:41You understand?
00:19:41I don't trust that prick.
00:19:43You will take care of any creep.
00:19:45You will bust heads, kick some ass.
00:19:48We used to use a roll of quarters, but you got the orange technique.
00:19:51That works.
00:19:52The oranges, you know.
00:19:53No bruises.
00:19:53We didn't care.
00:19:54You care.
00:19:55So what?
00:19:55I just need you to do this.
00:19:56Now, you were an X-Boxer, weren't you?
00:19:58Yeah, 21 fights.
00:20:00I won 15.
00:20:01The other six, I came in second.
00:20:03Well, that's better than coming in last.
00:20:05Okay, look.
00:20:06Uncle Shamus.
00:20:06Look, man.
00:20:07I know back in your day when you were a cop, it was different.
00:20:09We're not like that.
00:20:10I mean, we're just getting some bad reputation.
00:20:11We're not those kind of cops that are going around fighting.
00:20:13We'll give you 10 grand.
00:20:14But we will.
00:20:15We'll bust heads if we have to.
00:20:16We'll bust, yeah.
00:20:17I'll take anybody out.
00:20:18Yeah, I'll fight that guy right now.
00:20:19I don't even mind.
00:20:20Let's go outside right now.
00:20:21I'll drag him out right now.
00:20:23Yeah, I got 10 grand.
00:20:24He beat up my mother.
00:20:28All right, let me ask you a question.
00:20:29Yeah?
00:20:30If you could be a superhero, which one would it be?
00:20:33I don't know.
00:20:34Maybe, like, the Hulk or something like that?
00:20:35The Hulk?
00:20:36Yeah.
00:20:36Why the Hulk?
00:20:37Because he's, like, super strong.
00:20:38He lets out his rage, expresses himself, and he's greeny.
00:20:41He's probably Irish.
00:20:42You don't want to be the Hulk.
00:20:43Why not?
00:20:44Well, first of all, he's subject to temper tantrums.
00:20:46Yeah?
00:20:46He rips all his clothes.
00:20:47Okay.
00:20:48How are you gonna rip all your clothes?
00:20:48You know how you are about your clothes.
00:20:50Okay, he's a scientist.
00:20:51A brilliant scientist.
00:20:51He can make more clothes.
00:20:53Yeah.
00:20:53You don't think he can design clothes?
00:20:54He can design clothes and rip them again.
00:20:55Design and rip them again.
00:20:56He's got no time to fight crime.
00:20:57What are you talking about?
00:20:58What superhero would you be?
00:20:59Uh, me?
00:21:00I'd be one of the courageous ones.
00:21:01Okay.
00:21:02The ones that fight anti-Semitism.
00:21:03You know, the Jewish ones.
00:21:05Oh, okay.
00:21:06Which Jewish superhero would you be?
00:21:08Uh, you know, Spider-Man.
00:21:09Yeah.
00:21:10Or Batman.
00:21:11Spider-Man?
00:21:12Spider-Man or Batman.
00:21:13Batman.
00:21:13Yeah, that's right.
00:21:14Okay, that's what you think the names are?
00:21:15That's right.
00:21:16That's right.
00:21:17They came here and they had to change them.
00:21:19Wait, all right.
00:21:20The female one.
00:21:20The female one.
00:21:21What's her name?
00:21:21The female superhero?
00:21:22Yeah.
00:21:23Wonder Woman.
00:21:23Yeah, Wonder Woman.
00:21:26But you notice they're sexist.
00:21:28That's why they gave her a glass plane,
00:21:30because it's a glass ceiling.
00:21:31You see the synchrony here?
00:21:33You see the foreshadowing?
00:21:35Let me ask you this.
00:21:36What is your best pick-up line with a girl?
00:21:39Best pick-up line?
00:21:40One that never fails?
00:21:41Yeah.
00:21:42Want some money?
00:21:44Want some money?
00:21:45Yeah, want some money.
00:21:47You're asking a girl that?
00:21:48Yeah.
00:21:48A girl that you like?
00:21:49Absolutely.
00:21:50You want some money?
00:21:50That's the one.
00:21:51Does she ever say yes?
00:21:52If she says yes, I don't go with her.
00:21:54This way I get that right out of the way.
00:21:56If she laughs, I know she has a sense of humor.
00:21:58And if she says, no, I don't want any money,
00:21:59I'm saying, good, because I wouldn't give you any.
00:22:01That was a test for your morality.
00:22:02Now let's go to church.
00:22:06That's right.
00:22:06What's your best pick-up line?
00:22:08It's easy.
00:22:08You just start, you go, hey, where are you from?
00:22:11Where are you from?
00:22:11Where are you from?
00:22:12It's simple.
00:22:12Where are you from?
00:22:16You get some incredible answers.
00:22:21Somebody got, oh, yeah, I'm from Portugal or something like that.
00:22:23Who says they're from Portugal?
00:22:24A Portuguese girl will say she's from Portugal.
00:22:26Where did you ever meet a Portuguese girl?
00:22:27A little Portugal down 29th Street.
00:22:29A little Portugal on 29th Street.
00:22:31All right, it may not be, okay, but there's a Portuguese restaurant there.
00:22:33So did you go in there and I bet all the Portugal restaurant people are from Mexico?
00:22:37I'll tell you two things I don't like about the NFL.
00:22:39Yeah.
00:22:40A, they're overpaid.
00:22:41Mm-hmm.
00:22:41And two, they do a dance if they catch a ten-yard pass.
00:22:45It's ridiculous.
00:22:45It's sickening to even watch.
00:22:47Okay, I might agree with you there, but you're going from A to two.
00:22:50You can't go from letters to numbers.
00:22:51It negates the whole argument.
00:22:52No, it doesn't.
00:22:53The numbers, they correspond numeralically.
00:22:55Numeralically?
00:22:56Numeralically?
00:22:57Yeah.
00:22:57A goes B.
00:22:58You go A, this, B, that.
00:23:00You do that.
00:23:01Let me do it in a better way.
00:23:02Yeah, go, go, go.
00:23:03Yeah.
00:23:04One.
00:23:04Yes, okay.
00:23:05Right, you're happy?
00:23:05Yeah.
00:23:06One, they're overpaid.
00:23:07Yeah.
00:23:07And B, they do that stupid dance all the time.
00:23:09Okay, you did it again.
00:23:10You did it again.
00:23:10Okay, you went from now that time, you went from numbers to letters.
00:23:13It's the same thing.
00:23:14You stick with one, you stick to numbers, and you stick with letters.
00:23:16You go A, B, C, D. You don't go A, two, B, C, D. You don't do any of that
00:23:20stuff.
00:23:21How many batteries do you have in a device?
00:23:23Two or three?
00:23:23Two or three.
00:23:24And what are the batteries?
00:23:26Double A, triple A.
00:23:27Thank you, end of story.
00:23:57Hey, is your cousin hot?
00:23:58Nope.
00:23:59Not at all.
00:24:03Hi.
00:24:04Hey, Joanna.
00:24:05Great to see you.
00:24:06Hi.
00:24:07Great.
00:24:08This is my partner, Taylor.
00:24:08Hi, Taylor.
00:24:09Nice to meet you.
00:24:10Nice to meet you.
00:24:10Welcome.
00:24:11I feel so much better knowing that you guys are on the case.
00:24:15Great.
00:24:16Lacey is safe and sound.
00:24:17You know, my house actually got broken into a few weeks ago.
00:24:20Ah, what happened?
00:24:21Yeah, they went upstairs.
00:24:22They went through my drawers.
00:24:23They were looking for jewelry, I think.
00:24:25They took a broach, a family heirloom.
00:24:29And then they took my underwear.
00:24:33Victoria's Secret's purple lace lingerie?
00:24:36Yes.
00:24:38Animals.
00:24:40Filthy animals.
00:24:42How'd you know?
00:24:44Unfortunately, it happens all the time.
00:24:48Let me go get Lacey's paperwork.
00:24:54What the hell is wrong with you?
00:24:55What?
00:24:56What are you talking about?
00:24:56Is it?
00:24:57Oh, give me a break.
00:24:58What are you talking about?
00:24:59Victoria's Secret's Victoria's Secret?
00:25:00What are you, the grammar police?
00:25:02That does bother me.
00:25:03But no, you're talking about her panties.
00:25:04You say purple lace.
00:25:05It's creepy.
00:25:05It's creepy.
00:25:06It's not creepy.
00:25:07I'm showing her that I get in the mindset of the burglar.
00:25:09I was a cop.
00:25:10This way she knows I can protect her.
00:25:12Hey, do me a favor.
00:25:13Do me a favor.
00:25:13Switch me.
00:25:14Switch me.
00:25:14Why?
00:25:16Why do you want to see my Spock ear?
00:25:17Your Spock ear?
00:25:18Yeah, the pointed ear.
00:25:19You know I have that.
00:25:20You know what I'm saying.
00:25:20Okay.
00:25:21I don't want to think I'm deformed.
00:25:22Stop hitting on my cousin.
00:25:24Stop hitting on your cousin for.
00:25:25Hey, you know what?
00:25:26She's a very attractive woman.
00:25:27What if we end up dating?
00:25:28What if we end up more than dating?
00:25:30What if we end up engaged?
00:25:31Then we get married.
00:25:33You and I will be family.
00:25:34Wouldn't you like that?
00:25:35No, I would not like that.
00:25:36I could be your uncle.
00:25:37I could come over on Sundays,
00:25:38take you to the yard,
00:25:39throw the ball around.
00:25:40Pony ride.
00:25:40Take you to the zoo.
00:25:42That's right.
00:25:42I'll take you for ice cream.
00:25:43Okay.
00:25:43I could teach you how to drive a car.
00:25:45I could play ball with you on the front lawn.
00:25:46Come on, big guy.
00:25:47Okay, stop.
00:25:48Come on, come on.
00:25:48What are you doing?
00:25:51Hey, hey, Lacey.
00:25:53So nice to meet you.
00:25:54We're excited to go on this journey with you.
00:26:01Hey there, Casey.
00:26:03Lacey.
00:26:03Lacey.
00:26:04How are you there, little lady?
00:26:07I don't want you to worry about a thing.
00:26:09We're gonna protect you.
00:26:10From what?
00:26:11Well, from all the bad people out there.
00:26:14What are you gonna do?
00:26:14Beat them up with oranges?
00:26:15I'm here at the scene of the incident
00:26:17where witnesses say they have saw
00:26:18two police officers beating one Kyle...
00:26:22Yeah, that cuts deep.
00:26:25Does hurt.
00:26:27She's a tough kid.
00:26:29Yeah, we're clearly not connecting with her.
00:26:30But you know what?
00:26:31I'm gonna try something.
00:26:32I've been reading about this stuff called NLP.
00:26:34What's that?
00:26:34Neuro Linguistic Programming.
00:26:36Neuro Linguini Processing.
00:26:37Yeah, that's what it is.
00:26:38It's using computers to make spaghetti.
00:26:40No, it's Neuro Linguistic Programming.
00:26:42What it is is it's mimicking the way she stands,
00:26:44her tone of speech, all her motions,
00:26:46to get a rapport, all right?
00:26:48Watch, when she comes back out,
00:26:49I'm gonna mimic everything she does,
00:26:51and we're gonna have a connection.
00:26:52You're gonna mimic everything she does?
00:26:53Yeah.
00:26:53I got a ten-year-old nephew.
00:26:55He mimics everything I do.
00:26:56It's so annoying, I wanna smack him in the head.
00:26:57That's great.
00:26:58You wanna smack a ten-year-old kid in the head.
00:26:59When it's warranted, yes, I do.
00:27:01All right, I don't think you're understanding this.
00:27:02I don't think you're understanding this.
00:27:03Don't start doing that.
00:27:04Stop that. Stop that.
00:27:06Enough!
00:27:09See, you got your luggage.
00:27:12Bet.
00:27:13What?
00:27:14I'm just saying,
00:27:15it kinda sucks going on a trip with adults,
00:27:17with no cap.
00:27:19Huh?
00:27:20I mean, low-key.
00:27:22This whole thing's got me shook.
00:27:26Really?
00:27:28Yeah.
00:27:29Please don't do that in the car.
00:27:33Wow, you really made a connection.
00:27:36Murph, thank you so much for doing this.
00:27:38I sincerely appreciate you.
00:27:40Of course.
00:27:41Take good care of her?
00:27:41Yeah, 100%.
00:27:42Promise?
00:27:43Yes.
00:27:43Okay.
00:27:44And I know you're not family, but thank you so much.
00:27:47Shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:27:48No need to thank me.
00:27:49It's all about Lacey and her well-being.
00:27:52You know, not all heroes wear capes.
00:27:56Yeah, okay.
00:27:58Okay.
00:28:07Hi, sweetheart.
00:28:08Hey, Mom.
00:28:09You ready for your trip?
00:28:10Yeah, I just really don't know about these guys.
00:28:14Oh, my God.
00:28:14You're gonna be just fine, I promise.
00:28:16I know, but they're so annoying.
00:28:18Like, I could take a bus.
00:28:19They're family.
00:28:20They're family.
00:28:21You're gonna be great.
00:28:21I love you.
00:28:22I love you too.
00:28:23I'm gonna miss you.
00:28:24I'm gonna miss you so much, Mom.
00:28:26Call me.
00:28:26Text me.
00:28:27I will.
00:28:27I promise.
00:28:28I love you.
00:28:30Take good care of her.
00:28:31I will.
00:28:37Let's get this show on the road.
00:28:38No, no.
00:28:39Feel me?
00:28:40You want aux?
00:28:45Wow.
00:28:46That NLP stuff really does work.
00:28:49You were right.
00:28:51No, no, no.
00:28:51I'm being serious.
00:28:52Don't go away like that.
00:28:53Come on.
00:28:53I want to learn.
00:28:54Teach me.
00:28:55I'm a blank canvas.
00:28:56Paint me.
00:28:57I love you.
00:28:58Be safe.
00:29:00Call me when you get there.
00:29:01I will.
00:29:12Bless you.
00:29:13Thanks.
00:29:15Must be his allergies.
00:29:16They're kicking my ass today.
00:29:17You want some of my pepper?
00:29:18You still carry pepper?
00:29:20Always.
00:29:21You know, pepper makes you sneeze even worse.
00:29:23Yeah.
00:29:23That's what I'm saying.
00:29:24You lean into it.
00:29:24Just like build up a tolerance to it.
00:29:26I don't think that's how it works.
00:29:27Pepper's also anti-inflammatory.
00:29:29Pretty sure it's not.
00:29:29It helps your complexion.
00:29:31Not the driver.
00:29:31And your immune system.
00:29:32That doesn't help.
00:29:33Okay.
00:29:33Where do you know all this?
00:29:34I have to notice.
00:29:35I hear things.
00:29:36You hear things.
00:29:37Where do you know it?
00:29:37I read things.
00:29:38Where'd you read things?
00:29:39It was a book.
00:29:40A book where?
00:29:41Somebody's kitchen table.
00:29:41They had a book on pepper.
00:29:42Pepper book on a kitchen table.
00:29:43That's called a menu.
00:29:44Yeah.
00:29:45They're gonna have it.
00:29:45A kitchen table.
00:29:46They're gonna have a menu.
00:29:47I don't know where you eat.
00:29:54Hey, Lace.
00:29:55Let me ask you a question.
00:29:56I want to get to know you a little better.
00:29:58What's your favorite music?
00:30:00Oh, you know what?
00:30:01Do you have an after-school job?
00:30:05Is your mom dating anyone?
00:30:07Don't be a dick.
00:30:08Don't say dick in front of the kid.
00:30:09Class it up.
00:30:10You're better than that.
00:30:10What am I supposed to say?
00:30:11Say penis.
00:30:12No, that's weird.
00:30:13All right.
00:30:14Well, say something medical.
00:30:15Maybe we should go up to be a doctor.
00:30:16You know, like, use that as our curse word.
00:30:17Like, spleen.
00:30:18Spleen?
00:30:18How about appendix?
00:30:19This way it has dick in it.
00:30:20Appendix.
00:30:21Let me try it out.
00:30:21You're a total appendix.
00:30:23Face is an appendix.
00:30:24Stop acting like an appendix.
00:30:25Yeah, why don't you suck my appendix?
00:30:28Hey, the check engine light went on.
00:30:29Nah, don't pay attention to that.
00:30:30They never made anything.
00:30:31Your cheap car rental hookup.
00:30:34Oy.
00:30:38Hey, Lace, let me ask you this.
00:30:40What is the deal with the flying thing?
00:30:41What are you afraid of?
00:30:42Is it heights?
00:30:43Oh, it's not heights.
00:30:44She's probably scared of crashing.
00:30:45No, no, no.
00:30:45Is it germs?
00:30:46It's probably germs, right?
00:30:47It's germs?
00:30:47You know what?
00:30:48She's a teenager.
00:30:48It's a small bathroom.
00:30:49She's probably claustrophobic.
00:30:51You know, there's small bathrooms.
00:30:52I don't like them either.
00:30:53But I'll tell you, the lighting makes me look good.
00:30:54It makes me look tan.
00:30:55You know what the best bathrooms are on a plane?
00:30:56What?
00:30:57Front class.
00:30:57I heard they have showers in them.
00:30:59What is front class?
00:31:00Front class, where the rich people sit.
00:31:02No, that's first class.
00:31:03Yeah, and where the first class rich people sit.
00:31:05In the front of the plane?
00:31:07Front class.
00:31:08You're welcome.
00:31:08Yeah.
00:31:09Well, your back class rental is overheating.
00:31:12What's happening?
00:31:13Nothing.
00:31:14Don't worry about it.
00:31:14Don't worry about it.
00:31:15We got it.
00:31:16We'll take care of it.
00:31:17It's smoking.
00:31:17I better pull over.
00:31:18Yeah, let me pull over.
00:31:20We'll take care of it.
00:31:40Uh, I think I see the problem, Murph.
00:31:42What is it?
00:31:43Well, right underneath, you got a small pinhole in the radiator hose.
00:31:47Okay, so what's the plan?
00:31:49Well, I don't know.
00:31:50We're about 20 miles away from the next station.
00:31:52We need new hose.
00:31:53Hey.
00:31:53I mean, you know, we can risk it.
00:31:56I don't think it's gonna make it, though.
00:31:58We can let it cool down for a little while and try it.
00:32:06Hey, Lace, let me ask you something.
00:32:08Come on, what's your deal about flying?
00:32:10Are you afraid some guy's gonna bother you or something?
00:32:12Because if that's the case, all you gotta do is karate the guy.
00:32:15Karate the guy?
00:32:16Yeah.
00:32:17Ha!
00:32:17Karate's not a verb.
00:32:18You use karate.
00:32:19You don't karate someone.
00:32:20Yeah, you use it to karate the guy.
00:32:21Ha!
00:32:22Ha!
00:32:22You're like Jackie Chanham.
00:32:23Whoa!
00:32:24Okay, whoa.
00:32:25Were you being serious when you said you had pepper in your pocket?
00:32:27Yeah, I always have pepper.
00:32:29Why?
00:32:29Are you hungry?
00:32:29I'm not sure the pepper's gonna help, but I got it.
00:32:31Well, give us some.
00:32:32Maybe, uh, you know, she's hungry.
00:32:33Maybe the kids eat these days.
00:32:35Oh, wait, wait, wait.
00:32:35Is this a TikTok challenge?
00:32:36Is this the pepper challenge?
00:32:38Yeah, because if that's it, I'm in.
00:32:39I'm totally in.
00:32:40I'll do it right now.
00:32:41No, no, no.
00:32:42Okay, it's for the radiator hose.
00:32:43What about social spam?
00:32:44Today I'm going to teach you how to fix your leaky radiator with onions.
00:32:47You might even find shots in your kitchen.
00:32:49To be fair, one of them's gonna be real expensive.
00:32:51Ha, ha, ha.
00:32:51Told you it'd come in handy one day.
00:32:52I gotta admit, you are right.
00:32:55Macy, you are a TikTok genie.
00:32:58Genius.
00:32:59Genius.
00:32:59Way to save the day, little lady.
00:33:05I'm not scared of flying.
00:33:09I just...
00:33:11I just figured he'd come see me.
00:33:15All my friends at school talk about their dads.
00:33:19God, even the kids with divorced parents get to see them.
00:33:22But my dad hasn't come to see me since I was a literal child.
00:33:28I just...
00:33:29I'd really like to get to know him.
00:33:31Let him get to know me.
00:33:33Like, do father-daughter things.
00:33:38I just...
00:33:40I thought if I said I was scared of flying, maybe he'd come down to see me.
00:33:48I'll stay in here.
00:33:49That's it, I'm driving here right now.
00:33:52I love the energy, but, uh, it's probably impossible.
00:33:54We still have to stop at the mechanic.
00:33:56After the mechanic, I'm driving as fast as I can.
00:33:58We're getting there after the mechanic.
00:34:00It's gonna probably tomorrow, unfortunately.
00:34:02Tomorrow, after we get a good night's sleep, after the mechanic, driving straight through.
00:34:05We're getting you right there, Lacey.
00:34:07We are Team Lacey.
00:34:09Yeah, 100%.
00:34:10Thank you, guys.
00:34:10Of course, of course.
00:34:12That's right.
00:34:13We're friends.
00:34:13We're helping you out.
00:34:14Come on.
00:34:15We are Team Lacey.
00:34:18Along the highway.
00:34:21We're driving to our town.
00:34:25We're getting busy there.
00:34:54Well, there's just a puncture in the radiator hose, so, um, you do the pepper thing?
00:34:58Yeah.
00:34:59It works, right?
00:35:00Let's hear it.
00:35:01Well, I'll be done in an hour and a half, so.
00:35:06God, she's so freaking hot.
00:35:08Mm-hmm.
00:35:08Yeah.
00:35:09I think she's Korean.
00:35:10You know Korean girls are the hottest of all the Chinese?
00:35:13That is so racist.
00:35:15How's that racist?
00:35:16I said she's hot.
00:35:16I gave her a compliment.
00:35:17It's like I'm sitting here objectivizing her.
00:35:19Objectifying her?
00:35:20Yeah, dude.
00:35:20It's super racist.
00:35:21You know what?
00:35:22I think you're the racist.
00:35:23What are you talking about?
00:35:24Korea and China are two different places.
00:35:25There you go.
00:35:26You're separating them again.
00:35:27Next thing you're gonna tell me, they should have their own country.
00:35:29They do have their own country.
00:35:30Yeah?
00:35:30And there's even North Korea and South Korea.
00:35:32There you go.
00:35:32Exactly what I'm talking about.
00:35:34North-South.
00:35:34North-South.
00:35:35North-South.
00:35:35Just like the Civil War.
00:35:36I got news for you.
00:35:37We already fought the Civil War and your side lost.
00:35:40My side lost.
00:35:40That's right.
00:35:41You're the racist.
00:35:42So why don't you grab yourself a white sheet and just saunter yourself down to the next
00:35:47Nazi rally and have yourself a ball.
00:35:49First off, just to be clear, the white sheet is the KKK.
00:35:52Hugo Boss is the Nazi rally.
00:35:53Well, it would take a racist to know that.
00:35:55Hey, tell you what.
00:35:56I'm gonna do you a favor.
00:35:56Yeah.
00:35:57Okay?
00:35:57I'm gonna hypnotize you.
00:35:58And when I snap my fingers, you're gonna forget you were ever a racist.
00:36:02I was never a racist.
00:36:04There you go.
00:36:04You can't do that.
00:36:05I wasn't a racist to begin with.
00:36:06You're welcome.
00:36:07I'm not a racist.
00:36:08You're fixed.
00:36:18Hey, Taylor?
00:36:19Yeah.
00:36:20If she's getting that bad and there's only one other bed, it's like it's your lucky day.
00:36:25Or should I say, lucky night.
00:36:31Come, lover.
00:36:33Not happening.
00:36:34What's wrong?
00:36:35You're homophobic.
00:36:36I'm not homophobic.
00:36:37You know, according to the American Psychiatric Association, the more men protest that they're
00:36:41not homophobic means they're actually hiding homosexual tendencies.
00:36:44I'm not protesting.
00:36:45And I'm not homophobic.
00:36:47I love men.
00:36:48Wow, you think you know a guy.
00:36:49I'm just saying I'm not protesting.
00:36:51I simply can't sleep well unless I'm sleeping on lavender scented, hand-picked Egyptian cotton
00:36:555,000 thread count sheets.
00:36:57Not helping your case.
00:36:58How do you know your sheets are 5,000 threads?
00:37:00What, do you count them?
00:37:01Don't be ridiculous.
00:37:02You can't count the sheets.
00:37:03Come on.
00:37:04You count a small section and then multiply it by the square footage and see if you come
00:37:08up short.
00:37:08A lot of them are mislabeled.
00:37:10What about satin?
00:37:10Can you sleep on satin?
00:37:11No, no, no.
00:37:12You slide right off.
00:37:13Cotton?
00:37:13You want me to sweat all night?
00:37:14Silk.
00:37:15Silk comes from a worm's butthole.
00:37:16I don't want anything coming from any butthole.
00:37:19Homophobic.
00:37:20I'm not homophobic.
00:37:22Hey, what are you whining so much about?
00:37:24You get to sleep with me.
00:37:25I have to sleep with you.
00:37:26I'm the victim here.
00:37:28Yeah.
00:37:28You probably snore all night.
00:37:29I don't snore.
00:37:30How do you know?
00:37:30Of course.
00:37:31I never hurt myself.
00:37:32You'd be sleeping through it.
00:37:33That's my point.
00:37:34If I heard myself snoring, I would've woken up when I was sleeping.
00:37:36I never woke up when I was snoring when I was sleeping.
00:37:38I know I don't snore.
00:37:39All right.
00:37:39Shh.
00:37:42Hey.
00:37:42You know what I don't get?
00:37:43What?
00:37:44What kind of deadbeat father does want to hang out with your daughter?
00:37:46Especially a smart one like that.
00:37:48I know.
00:37:49You know what she really saved the day earlier?
00:37:51I'd kind of help save the day with the pepper packets.
00:37:53No, actually she saved it with the video.
00:37:55All right.
00:37:56Let's just call it a team effort.
00:37:59You know, if I had a daughter, I'd want one like her.
00:38:01Oh, yeah.
00:38:02You know, she so reminds me of my daughter.
00:38:06You don't have a daughter.
00:38:07Well, in my head, you know, my imaginary one.
00:38:09If I did have one, I'd want her to be just like her.
00:38:10Okay.
00:38:11Yeah.
00:38:12It's been a long day.
00:38:12Let's get some sleep, baby.
00:38:14Stop.
00:38:14No, come on, come to bed.
00:38:15Don't touch me.
00:38:15I brought coconut oil.
00:38:17We can play Polynesian luau.
00:38:19Polynesian luau.
00:38:20Yeah.
00:38:21I'm calling the cops.
00:38:22Come back.
00:38:57Oh, you know.
00:38:58Yeah.
00:39:00Alyano.
00:39:04I'm calling the police.
00:39:04Oh, no.
00:39:13This is a virus.
00:39:14I've got nooks about them.
00:39:14Oh, no, I have a camera.
00:39:19Hey, Lacey, couldn't you just, like, do a Zoom with your dad?
00:39:21What?
00:39:22Couldn't you just do, like, a Zoom with your dad?
00:39:24I haven't seen him for, like, most of my life.
00:39:27I'm just worried about this whole customers thing.
00:39:29You know, we should have taken a train into Vancouver.
00:39:33There's still customers on a train.
00:39:34Yeah, but it's moving forward, and with the time zone,
00:39:36it would have been right through.
00:39:37No, no, what I think is that we have to be, like,
00:39:40super pro-Canada.
00:39:41When he or she comes in, like,
00:39:42we're super into Canadian stuff, you know?
00:39:44Why don't I try that, like, BLT stuff?
00:39:46And LP, and, yeah, maybe.
00:39:49Oh, here he comes, here we come.
00:40:07Bonjour, bienvenue, monsieur, madame Mazar.
00:40:10We don't speak Canadian.
00:40:13We're Americans.
00:40:15I speak English as well.
00:40:17What is the nature of your visit?
00:40:20Well, um, we're here for the Big Moose Convention.
00:40:23Eh?
00:40:24And two, how long do you think this is gonna take?
00:40:27Eh, you know, if you're looking to get some maple syrup,
00:40:30I may have a guy.
00:40:32It's true, he's got a guy.
00:40:34And you can take as much home to your igloo as you want.
00:40:36Uh, hey, you see that hockey game last night?
00:40:39You see the Canadians beat the Vancouver stick pucks?
00:40:44Oh, my God.
00:40:45Okay.
00:40:45Here's my birth certificate.
00:40:46This is all the information that you need.
00:40:48Oh.
00:40:50Come on.
00:40:58Oh.
00:44:34I'll be right out.
00:47:14I hate you both.
00:47:15You're both dead to me.
00:47:16Fine.
00:47:16You don't get any of our pie.
00:47:18I don't want to eat your stupid pie.
00:47:22Let me, you know what?
00:47:23Let me do this.
00:47:24What?
00:47:24Let me look up Google Translator.
00:47:26No.
00:47:26On the Google.
00:47:27No, they speak English.
00:47:28They have a couple different words, but then you can learn it.
00:47:30What words they have are different?
00:47:31All right.
00:47:31So they have sorry.
00:47:32Okay.
00:47:33All right.
00:47:33They have about.
00:47:35They have out.
00:47:36And then they say, hey.
00:47:38I bet there's a lot of car accidents here up here driving on the wrong side of the road
00:47:41and not knowing how to spell.
00:47:42We're all going with the flow of traffic.
00:47:44How would we be on the wrong side?
00:47:46He doesn't know what he's talking about.
00:47:48Boots.
00:47:48Like that?
00:47:48Yeah.
00:47:49I know what I'm talking about.
00:47:51Boots.
00:47:51You don't think your mother's going to go for me?
00:47:53Are you serious?
00:47:54I think we'd be a cute couple.
00:47:56Oh, come on.
00:47:57Not with that Spock ear.
00:47:59Oh, Lacey.
00:48:01God dang, you're getting good.
00:48:03Wow.
00:48:04Lacey.
00:48:04Yeah, this is fantastic.
00:48:06This is all I've been listening to for the last...
00:48:07How long have we been driving?
00:48:09Like 12 hours at this point?
00:48:10No, 12 hours is a little different in Canada, though, because we...
00:48:13Because of kilometers.
00:48:13Right, of course.
00:48:14Half the time.
00:48:15Half the time.
00:48:16You're just doing whatever you can to talk to my mom and it's not going to happen.
00:48:19That hurts, eh?
00:48:20Yeah.
00:48:21Oh, you actually got it.
00:48:22I feel like that you got it, right?
00:48:23Good.
00:48:24And two, I'm not...
00:48:24No, you ruined it.
00:48:25Yeah, you've ruined it.
00:48:26God.
00:48:27You're so close.
00:48:39Oh, Lacey, Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.
00:48:41Come here for a second.
00:48:42I know you're anxious to see your dad.
00:48:43I know you want to get up there.
00:48:44I know.
00:48:44But I just want to tell you something real quick, all right?
00:48:46I...
00:48:46Can this wait?
00:48:47Well, just give me a second.
00:48:48Just give me a second, all right?
00:48:49Did you ever hear of this fighter, Jerry Quarry?
00:48:51No.
00:48:52Well, Jerry Quarry was this real popular fighter in his 60s and 70s, all right?
00:48:55He ended up getting hurt, getting, you know, getting, like, punch drunk.
00:48:59It's called pugilistic dementia.
00:49:00It's when you slow your words a lot and you forget things and you sound real stupid.
00:49:05You understand?
00:49:06You get what I'm saying?
00:49:08Yep.
00:49:08I can imagine that.
00:49:10Okay.
00:49:10So, the reason that he got that way was because he wanted to be heavyweight champion so bad
00:49:16and he knew he was getting hurt, but he lied to himself to get what he wanted.
00:49:21Okay?
00:49:21He kept making a story in his head.
00:49:23I can be that champ.
00:49:24I can do it.
00:49:24I can get it.
00:49:25He was lying to himself, ignoring all the signals.
00:49:27He ignored all the signals.
00:49:29Now you understand what I'm saying?
00:49:32Yeah.
00:49:33Yeah.
00:49:33It's a good story.
00:49:34It's a good story.
00:49:35Okay.
00:49:35You guys, seriously, you're going to love him.
00:49:37He is so cool.
00:49:38And he said he was going to get me a brand new pink Tesla for when I go to college.
00:49:42And he wants me to study business just like he did, which, duh.
00:49:45And I just, I know, I know he wanted to visit.
00:49:49He was going to visit.
00:49:50It's just, he's literally swamped changing the infrastructure of crypto.
00:49:53And, like, he's a CEO, so he's a big deal.
00:49:56And, like, he's needed literally, like, everywhere.
00:49:58So I don't, I don't hold it against him at all.
00:50:00And I just, oh, I can't wait to see him.
00:50:02And, oh, my God.
00:50:07This mansion is so Sigma.
00:50:09Oh, this is going to be so...
00:50:11What's Sigma?
00:50:12What is that?
00:50:12Like a sorority thing or something?
00:50:13I have no idea.
00:50:14Why don't you check your OPP book, see what it says.
00:50:17NLP?
00:50:18There's no book.
00:50:18And that's not what it is at all.
00:50:19Well, it clearly did not work.
00:50:21I just don't want Lacey to get hurt.
00:50:23Yeah, me neither.
00:50:52There's no book
00:50:58welcome to the little chateau honey bear oh my gosh what happened look at you beautiful
00:51:14gentlemen thank you so much for bringing my little girl to me so happy to finally be here
00:51:33honey bear we have so much to catch up on great place here bread yeah let me take you on
00:51:39the
00:51:39tour get the door what am i a butler hey mer yeah what's with that hug i don't know is
00:51:47that like a
00:51:47canadian thing or something a little awkward right let me ask you a question yeah a little sketchy
00:51:54to you yeah cop instincts are kicking in yeah this place is freaking huge look at all this artwork
00:52:01yeah place looks like one of the 16 chapels yeah
00:52:09ah these are such a hassle these stairs are getting ripped out next month we're putting in
00:52:14an escalator hey you like the banister that's a danger in rosewood right there wow how to shift
00:52:20in place is huge all these stairs hey if i lived here don't you think my ass would look great
00:52:24i i don't think about your ass i'm gonna get lost wait for me i need an uber to follow
00:52:30you guys
00:52:32this is one of my favorite bathrooms in the house vaulted ceilings couple of chandeliers and
00:52:37i'm not gonna find out work like that in your typical howard johnson badger speaking of johnson
00:52:41this is where we hang out right here look at this baby black onyx roll what i call it wow
00:52:48yes i'll
00:52:49have to poop in here before we leave yeah drop a deuce in there you know you've done something
00:52:55yeah you guys familiar with gainsborough right you fans gamesborough fans all right so you know the
00:52:59blue boy right huntingdon's got that but i got the blue boy's baby brother right there
00:53:03and i'm seeing baby blue boy right there did he say blue boy yeah no blue boy hey brad brad
00:53:08yeah yeah that dog is that the same author that painted the one with all the dogs playing poker
00:53:15this is the gold kitchen now you know people born with a silver spoon in their mouth
00:53:19yeah those are the poor people here take one of those take one take one with you there you go
00:53:34this is it yeah now i i know it doesn't look that big but it's a lot deeper than it
00:53:41looks
00:53:41that's a one of a kind right there
00:53:50that's great yeah fellas and this is the ballroom what do you think of that
00:53:56have a seat guys make yourself a home
00:53:58this for uh sitting or showing
00:54:00sitting it's good enough for the queen's ads it's good enough for yours right
00:54:05so what'd you think right right i'm tearing all that crap down i don't like it
00:54:09this is my new baby right here a few of them well first off the jackson pollock
00:54:14i basically stole it from christie's it was just a little shy of six million dollars i mean
00:54:19it's like they're giving it to me and the monet monet's gonna have to go someplace else
00:54:23because it doesn't go with everything else but that's my baby right there the basquiat
00:54:26ah you like basquiat you like basquiat how much is that painting uh basquiat should be 100
00:54:32million i got it for 98 don't tell anyone 90 million dollars but i'm thinking somewhere in this
00:54:38room i'm gonna tear this crap off the walls now i'm kind of tired of it now and i need
00:54:42i need that kind of big basquiat energy in here is it like a side job or something like that
00:54:48for you
00:54:48brett no it's just a hobby expensive hobby yeah well sue me i like to spend my money on beautiful
00:54:54things oh speaking of which
00:54:59i got a little somebody for you honey bear made honey bear
00:55:06thank you so much oh sorry oh
00:55:12oh
00:55:16yeah for those millions of dollars can't put out cheese and crackers
00:55:19you can relax you're gonna get your money today just sit like a normal person i can't just sit
00:55:31look i promise you end of day today you'll have your money tell you hey can you hold on
00:55:38for just a second
00:55:42uh hey honey bear um daddy's got to do a little adulting today so why don't you three musketeers
00:55:50go back and enjoy the amenities at the hotel get a good rest and we're gonna have a great daddy
00:55:55daughter day tomorrow okay all right i'll see you guys then all right you know the way right yeah
00:56:01i'm back that was my daughter wow this is nice not bad not bad maybe they got better hotel rooms
00:56:07in canada i guess we're moving up in the world huh oh look at this it's got its own room
00:56:12here
00:56:14oh and uh lace you got your own bedroom there in the back huh oh man i can't remember if
00:56:20i packed
00:56:20tampons why what do you got your girly thing yeah your monthly visitor you mean a period oh hey oh
00:56:27my god i didn't realize i was traveling with kindergartners i'll keep working
00:56:31hey tellin let me ask you a question this guy brad seems sketchy right oh my god he's totally sketchy
00:56:36yeah so seriously what was with that phone call right you can hear the guy screaming on the other
00:56:40end a mile away yeah and the guy's a gazillionaire and yet he buys the most uncomfortable furniture
00:56:44right in the green color scheme i mean who does a green color scheme oh god stop it you're just
00:56:50jealous he's just really successful you wouldn't understand tell you what i do understand a father
00:56:55should spend more time with his daughter something just doesn't seem right about the whole thing
00:57:01avi is just super busy i guess well there's only one way to know for sure
00:57:07i got this friend in new york she could do a reading on him yeah you know like pick up
00:57:12a vibe
00:57:12she's a psychotic yeah you know she sees into the future that that's not what it is i think the
00:57:19word you're looking for is psychic well yeah it's the elongation of the word you know um i'll prove it
00:57:25you know um do you have her on speed dial yeah yeah hey madame zelda how you doing yeah it's
00:57:37me taylor
00:57:37i'm just gonna put you on speaker for a sec all right
00:57:44let me ask you a question aren't you psychotic
00:58:01i forgot to close the door
00:58:11dad hey brad yo brad
00:58:16kind of whistle was that i told you not to make fun of my whistle okay yeah a little baby
00:58:21whistle your
00:58:21face of the baby whistle this is serious there's clearly something wrong can you both just like
00:58:25take something seriously for a second no it's just uh some things are messed up he's probably fine
00:58:30he's probably the doors are open that's knocked over there's clearly something wrong dad he's not
00:58:35answering hey brad maybe he's in the bathroom hey brad go check upstairs he's not in the bathroom daddy
00:59:03he's not here he's not here there's something wrong all right all right i'm sure there's a reason for it
00:59:10what reason the paintings are gone look at this oh my god look at all the stuff they took
00:59:18i'll check back upstairs out of all the things to take they take the ugliest most uncomfortable couch
00:59:23what a queen's hat on it freeze royal canadian mounts of police you see now that's intimidating hey
00:59:31you guys come here on horses okay how did you end up at antonov's house so okay so murphy is
00:59:41my uncle
00:59:42tell me about the paintings do i like paintings oh i didn't take any of the paintings none of us
00:59:46did i
00:59:47happen to be quite the artist myself really yeah i won a second grade painting contest
00:59:50what did you paint a little manet or what would i paint money for i don't have to paint the
00:59:56money
00:59:56i got money in my pocket how old do you know your dad you know what your interrogation would go
01:00:01better
01:00:01if i had two things in front of me coffee coffee the last time i saw him in person was
01:00:09god yeah when i was like six you know what i'm sitting here talking this whole time you didn't give
01:00:14me
01:00:14anything to drink you don't have like a canada dry or something like that you don't have canada
01:00:18that's the second place i've asked and nobody has it is that not a thing no it's not basically
01:00:22murph and taylor they drove me here from chicago to come see my dad did you see the painting no
01:00:27no
01:00:27are you sure i would never steal those kind of paintings are you crazy no jackson but you'd steal
01:00:32other types of paintings no i wouldn't well no i wouldn't steal any other type of painting unless
01:00:35there was like a situation where somebody what about nfts you ever stolen an nft nft know anything
01:00:40about that i don't even know if i can steal an nft nft nft nft oh that's right you british
01:00:45people
01:00:45like tea no coffee what about your friend thing he's done before it's stolen he wouldn't even know
01:00:50how to spell nft spell n f t using a sentence they're harmless honestly they they have really
01:01:01big mouths but they they wouldn't do anything and they're they're really looking out for me okay good
01:01:07why do you have his little girl with you well you want the straight answer that sure he's a deadbeat
01:01:13and she's got a hot mom she's a good kid though i do but i really want to date the
01:01:16mom so how long
01:01:17have you known the mom i just met her now do they have any ties with your father did they
01:01:21know about
01:01:21him or contact him before you guys came up here i think i think murphy maybe knew a little bit
01:01:27just
01:01:28from like being in the family you said you like her mom right oh yeah taylor's never met anybody well
01:01:34you know the problem between me and you're a guy right he's just trying to get with my mom she's
01:01:38totally
01:01:38into me oh okay how are they involved with the operation they're not doctors how were they
01:01:44involved with the money laundering i don't think they washed anything lacy has one duffel bag like
01:01:49so you're telling me she knows nothing about hey hey she's a good kid she's smart she knows everything
01:01:54but nothing yeah and what does your dad do well he's like a he's a ceo
01:02:02of what um i don't know you know your partner's right he is yeah what do you say you're the
01:02:16smart
01:02:17one oh you got that right he never gives me compliments i don't see it i can see it oh
01:02:22well
01:02:22that's just hurtful at this point i'm really worried like we came all this way to see him and
01:02:26like the doors were open like he wasn't there all of the paintings were gone i just i really
01:02:32i don't know what's going on i know hey listen we're doing everything in our power to find him
01:02:38okay it's gonna be okay i just i know something's wrong and he's such a good person and i haven't
01:02:46been
01:02:46able to see him in so long and he just he doesn't deserve this i know he doesn't deserve any
01:02:52of this
01:02:54this has been horrible all right as soon as we figure out what's going on with your dad we're
01:02:57getting the hell out of this country unless you guys want to stay for a little longer extend the
01:03:02trip gentlemen hey did you see gretzky last night he retired 25 years ago yeah it was on the tonight
01:03:09show the subject's name is bradley antonoff no known aliases but he was last seen with the russian mob
01:03:17he is one of canada's top money launderers he was supposed to be buying fine art but instead he's
01:03:23been buying replicas and stealing the money we picked him up on a cmt charge a while back but it
01:03:29didn't
01:03:29stick this time though he may have offended the wrong people all of his financial transactions have
01:03:34been digital they've been paying antonoffia bitcoin in order to keep it untraceable but as soon as
01:03:39we find the money we've got them so you're saying my dad can go to jail
01:03:51it's either that or he faces the wrath of the russian mob
01:03:54unfortunately your dad doesn't have the best roads ahead of him
01:03:59no no no no no no no no no no inset tried to get information from his house but all
01:04:04the info
01:04:05from the computers is gone do you want to call your mom
01:04:23look um rachel if uh you need some help on this case and you need somebody to work with you
01:04:28for a period of time i don't mind working close with you on this just don't keep him out too
01:04:33late
01:04:33he suffers from low testosterone he gets exhausted very easily or if you want me to take you out to
01:04:38dinner we can just chop it up and spitball you know bring your epi pen you gotta be able to
01:04:42stick
01:04:42him he's allergic to gluten his throat swells up can't be or you know maybe we need to relax and
01:04:48you know just get our mind off the case maybe go to a day spa massage or something like yeah
01:04:52i like
01:04:52that rub and tug joint you go to on 39th street okay why won't you help me out let me
01:04:58teach your
01:04:58cousin joanna yes let me teach your cousin fine okay just help me out gentlemen as much as we appreciate
01:05:04what the nypd could potentially do i believe we have it covered here in canada that's a relief
01:05:09because she's got to get home he just won the 400 million dollar power ball he's got to go home
01:05:12and cash his ticket you know how eccentric millionaires can be okay you gentlemen are free to go
01:05:20hey cheer up lace how about this i'll show you the dance i'm going to do with mountie rachel
01:05:24on our wedding you can't dance i hate to give him a compliment but he can dance see all right
01:05:31here
01:05:31you can put your one arm here give me this don't give me spaghetti arm push back at me here
01:05:36we go
01:05:36all right take a step back on your right and then feet together okay forward on your left yep and
01:05:41then
01:05:41step together then back to the right step together forward to the left step together here now dip ready
01:05:47yeah can't dance thanks for trying
01:06:08oh taylor
01:06:13hey lace you want to come out of here for a sec yeah
01:06:19dad where have you been i've been everywhere honey bear everywhere what does that even mean the police
01:06:25took us in there looking for you hey honey bear do you remember that teddy bear that daddy gave you
01:06:29you still got it right
01:06:33teddy bear right because daddy just needs to see it for a second just to oh thank god
01:06:40i get it what are there crypto codes inside of it
01:06:45oh my god there are you just gave it to me so no one would catch you with it no
01:06:50no i didn't it's not
01:06:52like that what is it like then dad i haven't seen you in years and now that i finally do
01:06:57you're just
01:06:57using me for your sketchy shit i trusted you and it was all mine you never wanted to see me
01:07:04honey bear of
01:07:05course i wanted to see you then where have you been i've i've been is this a puberty thing what
01:07:12look
01:07:13i i love you i i care about you i've got no time for this give me that bear give
01:07:17me the bear
01:07:23give me the bear give me the bear give me the bear give me the bear
01:07:29you
01:07:53there are gods look look if if i knew i would tell you
01:08:12that's not smart brad they're probably going to torture you now they may even waterboard you
01:08:15oh that's like emotional bullying see what they do is they take out this really ice-cold lake right
01:08:20and they put right in the middle of it and they make you balance on a board and then when
01:08:23you fall
01:08:23down you freeze and they all laugh at you that's not waterboarding that's wakeboarding same thing no
01:08:28it's not waterboarding was they lay you down they put a towel over your face they pour water up your
01:08:32nose oh you are definitely not gonna like that oh you know what else you couldn't handle is when
01:08:37they put you in that little box now me i can handle that you're crazy no no no when i
01:08:41was a kid i used
01:08:42to have my mom tuck the sheets in real tight put me in that box give me a book to
01:08:45read i could stay there
01:08:46all day why would they give you a book why would they care if they give me a book or
01:08:49not that's not
01:08:49the information they want but they don't want to make you comfortable they can put you a box with a
01:08:52book
01:08:52they don't care they don't care how you're gonna read it i mean like wait wait hang on hang on
01:08:57let
01:08:57me try something let me try something gentlemen can i get a book out of my bag why would you
01:09:01care
01:09:01that's what i'm saying why would they gotta stop the information you know what you just screw with us
01:09:04just relax i got some i don't know let me talk comrades what do you say you cut us loose
01:09:11we poured some vodka we split the pierogi and we go sit in some snow and talk about this like
01:09:16gentlemen okay guys guys look we're big fans of your culture taylor and i go to a ton of strip
01:09:21clubs it's
01:09:22true yeah you think that scares us brad is a lot tougher than that show him brad
01:09:35look look no matter what you do to brad he ain't gonna talk
01:09:41wait wait wait wait why are you punching me these idiots that can't shut up punch them yet
01:09:47you don't tell him what to do we hit him and we want to hit him keep it up do
01:09:57your nails first
01:10:06what is funny do your nails first
01:10:11sounds like you gave a manicure
01:10:14what is mancure this a gay hey you know what that's stereotyping and that reeks of toxic
01:10:20masculine shut up we hit his nails with him then say that don't make it sound like he's going
01:10:27to a salon but instead of waterboarding did you say facial hydration
01:10:30uh
01:10:42stop it you kill him you're killing me
01:10:44oh
01:10:57that is him though
01:11:01gentlemen gentlemen there's no need for this
01:11:04my daughter's got this oh oh my god what's wrong with you
01:11:08kind of a lowlife would give his daughter up you're your father of the year over here jack
01:11:11yes what's the matter with you one hand i'm happy we have code on the other i've never seen such
01:11:17disgusting how you say a piece of crap not quite scumbag no class beatdown fool uh
01:11:25is that like russian for douchebag it's shit ass oh oh
01:11:33simplistic it's kind of anticlimactic there next time i use one of yours
01:11:37okay look you're never gonna find her she ran away she's not here you know what wakeboard this
01:11:43astronaut go go go go
01:11:48oh
01:12:07oh
01:12:08Oh, shit.
01:12:40What are these things, falling us around?
01:12:41Hey, I bet that Asian Mountie karateed the guy.
01:12:44Okay, number one, that's super racist.
01:12:46Just because he's Asian doesn't mean he knows karate.
01:12:48And B?
01:12:49And two, karate's not a verb.
01:12:51Hey, hey, hey, hey, buddy, buddy.
01:12:53How'd you subdue that guy?
01:12:54Oh, I just karateed the guy.
01:12:58Okay, guys.
01:13:00We've got a call out for Lacey.
01:13:02We'll find her.
01:13:03Hey, thanks for everything.
01:13:04Really appreciate all your help.
01:13:05Of course.
01:13:07Hey, guys.
01:13:09How much longer is it going to?
01:13:11Oh, Dermo.
01:13:13Okay, wait, hang on.
01:13:15Just drop the gun,
01:13:16and we'll all walk out of here nice and easy.
01:13:21Are you trying to seduce me?
01:13:23Lacey!
01:13:23Get down!
01:13:25Get down.
01:13:53If you recognize the two in the video, it's because they are NYPD's very own Orange Justice duo,
01:13:59whom after allegations of police misconduct were suspended
01:14:02and are now returning to the line of duty.
01:14:06It's not the video you can see, but the video you can't.
01:14:09Classified footage indicates no foul play in the arrest of one Kyle, Buzzy Mitchum,
01:14:14which has now led to DA Tiscelli dropping the phone.
01:14:22Welcome back.
01:14:25Look, you guys can call us heroes, but I'm not comfortable saying it myself.
01:14:28I am. You can call me hero. I'm comfortable saying it.
01:14:30All right. All right, you two.
01:14:32Welcome back, I guess.
01:14:34And since you requested that we don't release footage of you being buddy pals with your CI,
01:14:39as noble as that may be,
01:14:41one police plaza has sent down some guidelines for your reinstatement.
01:14:44It's supposed to rehabilitate your image and that of the department to the public.
01:14:47And you two guys get to be great big stars.
01:14:51I guess it's the optics.
01:14:54Oh, look at you with the big words.
01:14:55I can handle things. I'm smart.
01:14:57Not like people say, like dumb. I'm smart.
01:15:00I want respect.
01:15:01That's pretty good.
01:15:02That's it. Afraid of them got for the truth?
01:15:03I'm trying to put it together. I've been watching a marathon.
01:15:05I bet you ever hear my quit from Jaws?
01:15:07Yeah, I mean, my grades in chemistry aren't super amazing right now, but it's fine. I'll get them back up.
01:15:13Yeah, just remember all the medical terms that Taylor taught you.
01:15:15Oh, what? You mean spleen and appendix? Yeah, I think I'm going to get a full ride to medical school
01:15:19on that note. Thank you.
01:15:21Hey, I was giving you pearls of wisdom.
01:15:23Hey, guys.
01:15:23Hey.
01:15:24Hey.
01:15:24Hey.
01:15:25Oh, is that your girlfriend there?
01:15:26Oh, my God. No, you idiot. Can't a girl be friends with another girl?
01:15:30Yeah, you know, if you're a lesbian, that's fine by us. I mean, you know, I just didn't know the
01:15:33pescatarian church allows that.
01:15:35We went on a whole road trip to Canada, and you're still on this bit. How many times do I
01:15:39have to tell you? Pescatarian is a dietary choice. It's not a religion.
01:15:44As long as you don't have to shave your head, we love you either way, sweetie.
01:15:47Yeah, well, watch out next April Fool's, because I've definitely got you there, then. Look, I gotta go. You guys
01:15:53have a good time.
01:15:53All right.
01:15:54Great to talk to you.
01:15:55Love you, kid.
01:15:56Great talking to you guys. See ya. Bye.
01:16:01Thanks.
01:16:02Hey, you know what? She's a really good kid.
01:16:05Great kid.
01:16:05Yeah, she really is. And you know something? Just for the record, I wouldn't care if she was a lesbian
01:16:09or a gay or nothing like that.
01:16:10I know, I know. Hey, by the way, you heard Sanchez came out as gay, right?
01:16:13Yeah, as a matter of fact, he came to the precinct the other day.
01:16:16Yeah, that's right. He had his boyfriend.
01:16:17Yes, he did. And you know something? Did you notice? His boyfriend looked just like he did.
01:16:21Yeah, is that a thing? Do they date guys that look like each other?
01:16:23I don't know, I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of advantages to it, though.
01:16:25Like what?
01:16:26Well, you save on the same hair care products.
01:16:28I guess you double your wardrobe.
01:16:29That's right. So you're saving money right there, right?
01:16:31Now, I know you. I know how your brain works, okay?
01:16:34So let me ask you this. If you were gay, what celebrity would you date?
01:16:37Why would I think if I'm gay who I'm dating? I would never think like that.
01:16:40You've never thought about that?
01:16:41No, I don't think about if I'm gay who I'm going to date. That's ridiculous.
01:16:46But if I were gay and I were to date a celebrity, it would be Joe Namath.
01:16:51The football player?
01:16:52Yeah, Joe Namath. That's right. Super Bowl III, MVP.
01:16:56Isn't he a little old for you?
01:16:57There you go with age discrimination again.
01:16:58I'm just saying, what would you do together?
01:17:00What do you know what I'd do together? We go to the football games, right?
01:17:03We go to any kind of book signings, country clubs.
01:17:05I get the sweets with all the free food at the Jet Games.
01:17:09A lot of good stuff.
01:17:10Who would you date?
01:17:12Well, you're saying people that look like you, right?
01:17:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:17:14So, I don't know. Brad Pitt.
01:17:17Oh, my. The ego on this guy. Are you kidding me?
01:17:21What? What are you talking about?
01:17:22Brad Pitt.
01:17:22He might like some incredible stuff in me.
01:17:24The way I dress, the way I talk, the way I act, all that stuff.
01:17:27Oh, my God. You're setting the bar a little high, don't you think?
01:17:29Then we would have Hollywood parties.
01:17:31We would invite you and Joe over for a Hollywood dinner or something like that.
01:17:34Mm-mm.
01:17:35Joe and I are not interested in coming to any Hollywood soirees that you and Mr. Pitt are throwing.
01:17:39Okay, Brad and I made dinner and you're not going to come over?
01:17:41Joe needs his rest.
01:17:42He's older now. His knee's still aching.
01:17:45We're not going out to all hours of the morning doing God knows what with who knows who.
01:17:48So, now I have to tell Brad all that food we may be going to throw in the garbage?
01:17:51That's not my problem.
01:17:51You're the one who wanted to date a Hollywood big shot.
01:17:53You figured out.
01:17:54Now we're going to have a huge problem.
01:17:55Now I've got to talk to Brad.
01:17:56We're going to work this out.
01:17:56That's my fault.
01:17:57Go to therapy like everybody else in Hollywood does.
01:18:06Scene, fruit, take one.
01:18:08Mark.
01:18:10All right, guys.
01:18:10Here we go.
01:18:14And action.
01:18:18Action, guys.
01:18:19Action means go.
01:18:21You start.
01:18:21Why doesn't he just say start?
01:18:23I think action is like movie speak.
01:18:25Why doesn't he just say it then?
01:18:26Why doesn't he just say it?
01:18:27Why doesn't he just say it?
01:18:27Why doesn't he just say action?
01:18:27I didn't go to movie speak school.
01:18:29There's no school.
01:18:30It's just action means start.
01:18:31Then he should just say start.
01:18:32Face forward.
01:18:33Face front.
01:18:34432.
01:18:34Mark.
01:18:38Tomato.
01:18:40Is it a fruit or a vegetable?
01:18:46Irregardless, any way you say it, it should not be used as a weapon.
01:18:54Kids, use words, not watermelons, to solve your differences.
01:19:00And remember, police and produce are your friends.
01:19:10Put your finger up.
01:19:12Not to put it in yourself.
01:19:13Get a fuck off.
01:19:28Hey, wait, wait, wait.
01:19:30Wait, wait.
01:19:31I didn't kill myself.
01:19:32You're doing this.
01:19:33Jenny!
01:19:35Jenny!
01:19:35Hey!
01:19:36Shit!
01:19:39Sorry.
01:19:40Sorry.
01:19:44Hi.
01:19:47Oh, you're at the wrong house.
01:19:48Sorry.
01:19:55Hey.
01:19:56Oh my gosh, she's gorgeous.
01:19:58We need a real take.
01:20:00I don't think we got the real take.
01:20:02Everybody with the Joker, right?
01:20:05I see you got your luggage.
01:20:08Bet.
01:20:10I'm so sorry.
01:20:12Just go back.
01:20:13Sorry.
01:20:14Just go back.
01:20:15Just go back.
01:20:16I'm so sorry.
01:20:18I'm sorry.
01:20:19You had a wrong day.
01:20:21You better come to bed, Sweden.
01:20:23OK.
01:20:23No.
01:20:24No, but just come on.
01:20:25I'll rub you up there.
01:20:25Your back is going to stick around.
01:20:27Let's go to Sweden and get the operation.
01:20:29Go to Sweden and get the operation.
01:20:32Come on.
01:20:32What operation?
01:20:34The penis enlargement.
01:20:35What movement?
01:20:37Come on.
01:20:37I'm massaging.
01:20:38Come on.
01:20:39We'll play.
01:20:39You know what?
01:20:40Come on.
01:20:41Don't be that way.
01:20:41We'll play Sultan and his followers.
01:20:44Come on.
01:20:44I'll be the Sultan.
01:20:45Come on.
01:20:46I'll rub you like a Turkish bath boy.
01:20:47Come.
01:20:48Come.
01:20:48Sultan and his followers.
01:20:51Sultan and his followers.
01:20:54Sultan and his followers.
01:20:57What?
01:21:21That was great.
01:21:23Get out, get out.
01:21:25My partner doesn't say much.
01:21:31It's so good to see you, my goodness, I hate it so much.
01:21:38No, it's my daughter, I've got a couple of guys with her.
01:21:47That's so funny to me.
01:21:49What is the guy saying, I don't know.
01:22:12It's so stupid.
01:22:14Sorry, it's...
01:22:18You're a whole session in a psychologist's office.
01:22:22Okay, sorry.
01:22:35We're going to screw you out of your purse.
01:22:53Let's get the end, let's get the end.
01:22:56Let's get the end.
01:22:59Let's get the end.
01:23:00You
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