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Short filmTranscript
00:09:01signed at the receiving end by our snow the amounts were not enormous 84 000 112 000 both
00:09:07wired in the last 14 months both dated to weeks reagan had been listed on preston's expedition
00:09:10minused as a junior research 84 000 for what equipment line item a piece of sonar gear that
00:09:16was never delivered she's 26 she's 26 on paper her undergrad was an internship at a foundation
00:09:23in connecticut whose director sat on three of preston's grant review panels she wasn't his
00:09:30accident she was his hire she was his hire how long have you known since the second wire cleared four
00:09:43months i was building i needed the chain to be unbreakable if you'd come to me sooner i'd have
00:09:55moved sooner i didn't know to come to you i know a nurse pushed open the door look at my
00:10:01face looked
00:10:01at the tray of documents looked at damon and quietly backed out damon picked up a fresh sheet from the
00:10:05bottom of the stack he turned it so i could see it was a screen grab of a private social
00:10:08media account
00:10:09locked one of two followers the western handle of a core counter the hand was not mine the post was
00:10:13dated two years before reagan had supposedly emailed preston out of the blue the pin post was a photograph
00:10:18of preston and cross some true seat or hand invencible the wound throbbed once i let it damian
00:10:26she's been with him for at minimum three years
00:10:32three years three years was an entire fellowship cycle three years was a lab move three years was
00:10:38every conference where preston had told me he was too overwhelmed to bring me as a guest three years was
00:10:43the time during which i had been planning a wedding in my head while writing his grants in my hand
00:10:47i picked
00:10:48the photograph back up the hand on preston's cheek had a small mark at the wrist the same shape as
00:10:53a
00:10:53beauty mark reagan had very pale almost invisible against her skin i had once told her that mark was
00:10:59lovely she had told me she hated it
00:11:06how long until the audit drops friday three days how long until the criminal complaint files
00:11:14riley pope has already been brought in for questioning by the u.s attorney's office preston
00:11:18he'll be charged tuesday federal jurisdiction the beacon falls under interstate field safety regulations
00:11:23reagan reagan is more delicate the wires are evidence of fraud the relationship is evidence of
00:11:27motive the recording is evidence of intent but she'll lawyer up fast i expect her to flip on
00:11:31preston by the end of next week and the academic side marsh's ethics committee convenes wednesday at his
00:11:36university we are providing the audit the recording and the wires outcome is predictable he'll be stripped of his
00:11:42appointment his doctoral supervision rights his five most recent publications and the federal grant he
00:11:46was about to sign reeves dami did not blink reeves has known about the embezzlement for at least two
00:11:53years i closed my eyes he nominated you for the independent fellowship in part to diffuse internal
00:11:58questions about who your name kept appearing on the foundation paperwork and never on the bylines
00:12:02that's why he called me that's why a door opened i opened my eyes my father was standing in the
00:12:08doorway
00:12:08eyes red coats till on the wrinkles on his face deeper than i remembered you damien stood up he
00:12:13stopped two feet from damien and put both hands on damien did not look at me as he passed thank
00:12:17you
00:12:17my father had not cried in front of me since my mother's funeral he did not cry now exactly but
00:12:23he
00:12:23sat on the edge of my bed and held my left hand the one with damien signet still on the
00:12:27forefinger and
00:12:27he did not let go for a long time don't talk he held my hand i have to sloan don't
00:12:33talk he looked at
00:12:34the signet he looked at damien standing very still by the window how long 20 years sir i know that
00:12:42i mean
00:12:43the ring five days dad nodded once slow
00:12:53the pierces boy the one who used to follow sloan around the orchard at thanksgiving
00:12:58and pretend he didn't care if she shared her dessert
00:13:02yes sir dad almost smiled i told your father at the time told him what sir that you were going
00:13:09to be
00:13:09the kind of man who ran out of things to fear by the age of 30. he didn't believe me
00:13:18he was wrong
00:13:22sweetheart
00:13:26the foundation is mine again as of this morning the board approved a clean break from the marsh
00:13:33laboratory and all of his ongoing projects the audit will be public when it drops your name will
00:13:40be cleared as of friday morning the donor wall in cambridge will be re-engraved with your sole credit
00:13:46on the whitfield climate initiative dad that's that's seven years of your life sloan not a favor
00:13:53he pressed my hand he stood up he kissed my forehead the way he had when i was a child
00:13:59home from school with
00:14:00strep i'm gonna step outside and let you rest i'll be in the hall i'll be in the hall he
00:14:07looked at
00:14:08damien crane sir when she's better we talk yes sir the door closed
00:14:22i looked at damien i had known him for a long time
00:14:26he gave you permission he sat back down on the edge of the bed he didn't have to i never
00:14:31asked him for
00:14:32any
00:14:36but yes he did
00:14:40i'll wait until you're ready
00:14:44for what he almost smiled not quite everything
00:15:00friday morning the audit dropped it hit the internet at 6 a.m eastern a leak coordinated
00:15:05presumably by damien's communications team went to a science investigative reporter at a respected outlet
00:15:11by eight the headline had been picked up by every major u s paper by 10 the hashtag was trending
00:15:16garcia
00:15:17walked into my room with a tablet and a tray of fresh squeezed orange juice 216 articles since six
00:15:23she tapped the screen glaciotology star falls in whitefield foundation fraud probe inside the
00:15:30regular cover-up i scrolled photographs of preston photographs of the rangel camp a still from the
00:15:36radio archive showing the time stamp on preston's order to disable my beacon a photograph of the
00:15:41equipment crate i had spent the night inside with claw marks down the side taken by a federal
00:15:46investigator the morning after my evacuation the comments were brutal if this is what academic
00:15:51excellence looks like this man let his girlfriend bleed in the snow for a grand the deputy who
00:15:57turned off her beacon should be in handcuffs by lunch i scrolled until i found reagan she had
00:16:02preempted the audit sloane whitfield could have died cry harder i closed the tablet how is preston
00:16:11taking it he has not been seen leaving his apartment the university has placed him on administrative
00:16:15leave pending wednesday's hearing riley pope has been charged he pleaded out 18 months federal with
00:16:20cooperation reagan snow's lawyer issued a statement at 7 a.m claiming she will fully co-operatives
00:16:25dr reeves announced his retirement at 6 30 effective immediately the university accepted within the hour
00:16:31i exhaled the wound did not mind anymore in a meeting he'll be back at noon he left this for
00:16:37you
00:16:38she slid a small white card onto the tray i picked it up by saturday i was sitting upright in
00:16:43a chair by the
00:16:44window by sunday i was walking the corridor twice a day with a nurse at my elbow by monday they
00:16:49had
00:16:50moved me out of the icu and into a regular suite on the 14th floor where the view stretched all
00:16:54the
00:16:55way down across the east river the flowers had started arriving friday afternoon and had not
00:16:59stopped the first arrangement was from my graduate school cohort the second from the foundation board
00:17:04the third and this one had made me sit up from the chair of the national science foundation who had
00:17:08written a personal note saying he had been appalled and that i should consider when i was well enough
00:17:13picking up the principal investigator role on the project that had been preston's the fourth came
00:17:17with no card you're upright i'm upright how does it feel like i have a hole in my chest but
00:17:25a much
00:17:25smaller one than yesterday he almost smiled from you
00:17:33narcissus from the lake house
00:17:39damien he met my eyes how long
00:17:44the flower since you were 12 not the flower he sat on the edge of the bed i sat with
00:17:51that sloan 20 years
00:17:52i was 29 20 years that meant when i had cried to him about my freshman year boyfriend at 16
00:17:58he had
00:17:58already known that meant every time over the long stretch of years he had appeared at the edge of my
00:18:02life with the precise timing of a person who was paying very close attention without ever announcing
00:18:06himself i looked at the signet on my left hand
00:18:10damien
00:18:16why didn't you ever say damien took a long time to answer the light from the window had begun to
00:18:21thin
00:18:22the kind of new york winter dusk that turns everything blue when you were 12 you were 12 there was
00:18:27nothing
00:18:27to say when you were 16 you were dating that boy you were happy there was nothing to say when
00:18:34you
00:18:34were 19 you came home from college and told me you'd met a graduate student named preston marsh
00:18:40you want to know what i thought of him
00:18:44i told you he was fine you told me he was fine
00:18:48he wasn't fine i knew he wasn't fine but you wanted permission you were not asking me what i
00:18:55thought of him you were asking me to bless what you had already decided you blessed it anyway
00:19:04i blessed it anyway why he looked down at his hands because if i'd said no you have done it
00:19:10anyway and i
00:19:10would have lost you for the next decade instead of being able to sit across a holiday table from you
00:19:14twice a year i made a calculation the calculation was wrong he looked up i would have made a different
00:19:23one if i had known known what that he would put a hole in your chest the room held the
00:19:30sentence i
00:19:31felt the wound stir it did not hurt the same way anymore it hurt differently like something was being
00:19:36said through it and not done to it it wasn't his hole it was an ice shard it was his
00:19:41hole he left you
00:19:42with it he turned off your beacon he drove away he did not soften the statement the shape of the
00:19:48wound
00:19:48is ice full and you crossed the country the cause of the wound is preston marsh i would have crossed
00:19:53any
00:19:54country damien he did not look away
00:20:04i'm not gonna forgive him i know i'm not gonna take him back i know
00:20:11i am however going to need a minute
00:20:19i've spent a lifetime waiting for you sloan
00:20:25take all the time you need he stood he bent forward his lips brushed my forehead light the
00:20:30way an older brother might the way a person who had been disciplined about a feeling for a very long
00:20:34time might when the door was finally cracked open i have a meeting at seven i'll be back at nine
00:20:38damien
00:20:41don't be late he almost smiled he left the narcissist on the windowsill held their pale yellow in the
00:20:48blue light tuesday afternoon preston was arraigned i did not watch the live stream gossier told me about
00:20:55it after the fact sitting in the chair by my bed with her tablet face down on her knee
00:20:59she summarized in her efficient neutral voice the same voice she used to read me the morning's flower
00:21:04deliveries preston had been processed through the federal courthouse in lower manhattan
00:21:09the charges were read loud federal embezzlement and wire fraud knowingly dissaying a fellow team
00:21:15member's emergency equipment in a hazardous environment and falsification of federal grant documentation
00:21:31his bail had been set at one million dollars his attorney had argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:37the prosecution had pointed to the whitfield foundation audit and to a passport that on
00:21:42inspection contained a sealed visa for a country with no extradition treaty
00:21:47his bail was set at one million dollars his attorney argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:52the prosecution pointed to the audit and to a passport with a visa for a country with no extradition treaty
00:21:58bail remained at one million dollars his passport was revoked how did he look smaller smaller
00:22:07at faculty fundraisers he carried himself like a man waiting to be the smartest in any room
00:22:12today he carried himself like a man waiting to be told what to do
00:22:15she set the tablet on the bedside table mr crane wants me to tell you wednesday's ethics committee
00:22:20hearing has been moved to 10 a.m the university requested that you attend by video link you may
00:22:25decline i'll attend mr crane suspected you would
00:22:32she rose is there anything else miss whitfield one thing reagan she has not been arraigned the u.s
00:22:40attorney's office is finalizing terms she will testify against preston and dr reeves she will not
00:22:46be testifying against you she will likely receive limited immunity on the fraud charges a deferred
00:22:51prosecution agreement community service and a permanent bar from federally funded research
00:22:56she still has her social media she still has her social media the court cannot regulate that
00:23:01that's fine let her have it mr crane will be displeased mr crane will live garcia paused halfway to the
00:23:10door garcia tilted her head a fraction she almost laughed she left i lay back against the pillows and
00:23:16watched the narcissist tilt slowly toward the late afternoon sun wednesday morning 10 a m garcia rolled
00:23:21in a portable monitor on a tray and angled it toward the bed the ethics committee at preston's university
00:23:26convened on screen seven chairs around a heavy wood table in a paneled room i had been inside once
00:23:31during my own thesis defense when reeves had introduced me as one of his students reeves was
00:23:36not at the table today he had retired friday morning the chair of the committee a tall woman
00:23:40in her 60s whose hair was twisted into a low knot open the proceedings mr marsh do you have anything
00:23:47to say before we begin preston rose from his seat at the foot of the table he had aged a
00:23:51decade and
00:23:52five days the polished hair was unkempt the pressed shirt was open at the collar without
00:23:56a time i do his voice was flatter than i had ever heard it whatever the committee decides i accept
00:24:04i acknowledge the irregularities in the funding records of the regling expedition
00:24:09i acknowledge the irregularities in the authorship history of the manuscripts under review
00:24:15on the day of the avalanche i did not handle the evacuation of my team as i should have
00:24:20the chair did not soften i accept the consequences of those choices the committee has reviewed the audit
00:24:26the field radio archive the wire records and the personal contribution log of sloan whitstone
00:24:32the committee has also reviewed the statement obtained this morning under cooperation agreement from
00:24:38riley pope do you acknowledge that you transmitted a radio instruction to disable sloan whitfile's emergency
00:24:47locator the room is very still
00:24:55at the time you transmitted that instruction were you aware that sloan whitston was injured
00:25:00and at the edge of the camp perimeter
00:25:06i do mr marsh the committee finds the following you have engaged in academic misconduct of the most
00:25:16serious kind your conduct on the day of the avalanche endangered the life of a fellow expedition
00:25:24member the body of work submitted under your sole authorship for the past four years contains
00:25:29substantial material taken from the unpublished work of sloan whitnick without consent or adibution
00:25:39the committee recommends that your tenure be revoked your doctoral supervision rights be terminated and
00:25:45the five most recent publications under your name be retracted you be permanently barred from holding any
00:25:49federally funded academic appointment the regular climate proxies grant should be revoked and the
00:25:54funds returned do you wish to respond preston was silent for a long time no then he sat back down
00:26:07the chair rose the committee rose with her this hearing is adjourned the screen went black
00:26:17i sat for a moment in the dim hospital room garcia rolled the monitor away
00:26:26it's done
00:26:29it's done
00:26:38he came on thursday not by appointment
00:26:40there's a man at security in the lobby asking to see you he's same he said his name was preston
00:26:46marsh
00:26:46i had told garcia he said he doesn't expect you to say yes
00:26:51let him up that i would receive him i had thought about it carefully i had thought about it the
00:26:55way
00:26:55damien thought about a chain of evidence not for spite not for forgiveness but to close the circuit
00:27:00i had spent seven years inside that circuit i needed to walk out under my own power damien was in
00:27:05a meeting
00:27:06on the other side of town i had not told him i had agreed to this i had not told
00:27:10him i had not agreed
00:27:11to this either the door opened preston stood in the doorway he did not come in he looked exactly as
00:27:16he had on the video feed except smaller somehow in person the way garcia had said the charcoal suit
00:27:21replaced replaced by jeans and a sweater that did not fit him quite right the glass is askew
00:27:25askew
00:27:33sloan get up i won't i'm not asking he stayed where he was i came to apologize
00:27:43he breathed in once at once i owe you an apology i cannot make in two pages i wrote it
00:27:51badly
00:27:53every grant every piece of equipment every late night
00:27:59i knew i always knew i told myself a story about it that let me sleep
00:28:05and the night of the avalanche i told riley to turn off the beacon
00:28:12i told myself the whitfields would send a plane
00:28:16i told myself you would always have a way out
00:28:21that's what i told myself so leaving you in the snow had no consequence
00:28:33that's what i told myself the room held it i let it hold
00:28:49preston he looked up get off the floor
00:28:55i won't you will because this is my room in my hospital in my city and i'm telling you to
00:29:03he got off the floor he stood near the foot of my bed three things hands at his sides head
00:29:07still
00:29:07bowed one i am not retracting any of the charges the federal case will proceed your career will not
00:29:15survive it that is not negotiable i haven't two i will not be writing a victim impact statement that
00:29:25asks the court for leniency i will be writing one that asks the court to apply the full weight of
00:29:31the
00:29:31statute you are free to write your own you are free to ask dr revils to write his own understood
00:29:38three
00:29:41i looked at him for a long time he had once been a man i would have crossed any distance
00:29:46to please
00:29:47there had been a year possibly two when i had organized my entire life around the question of
00:29:52what preston would think i looked at him now and i felt nothing not contempt not pity not love not
00:29:58even
00:29:58anger a clean nothing the way you might look at a coat you wore through college hanging in the back
00:30:03of a closet and feel surprised that you had ever fit into it i do not accept it
00:30:17not because it isn't sincere today it might be i think it might be what i have learned
00:30:24in seven years of you is that your sincerity is a renewable resource it comes back every time the
00:30:31consequences arrive it always sound the same it always asks the same thing which is for me to absorb
00:30:39the cost i'm done absorbing the cost you will live with what you did i will not be helping you
00:30:50live with
00:30:50it for a moment i thought he might say something more some version of the speech refine now to its
00:30:55purest form that he had been delivering to me in fragments for seven years he didn't he closed his
00:31:00eyes once he opened them i understand he walked to the door in the doorway he paused he did not
00:31:06look back
00:31:07sloan yes be happy
00:31:13the door closed behind him i sat alone in the hospital suite with the late afternoon light moving
00:31:18slowly across the floor i waited to feel something after a long time i noticed what i felt was the
00:31:23absence of something a weight i had been carrying since the year i was 22. for seven years i carried
00:31:30that weight i turned my life into a project just to be seen i piled up my efforts as evidence
00:31:36but i don't
00:31:38need to be seen by him anymore when i had decided that the rest of my life was going to
00:31:45be a project of
00:31:46making one specific man see me it was no longer there i picked up my phone i texted damien come
00:31:53back when you can he answered within 10 seconds on my way damien did not knock the door to my
00:32:00hospital
00:32:00suite opened 12 minutes after preston walked out of it and damien stood in the doorway with snow
00:32:05still melting on his shoulders he did not look at me first he looked at the chair where preston had
00:32:09been kneeling he looked at the spot on the carpet where preston's knees had pressed two indentations
00:32:14he looked at the trace of cologne preston's faint civilians still hanging in the air he crossed the
00:32:19room in five strides did he touch you damien sloan did he touch you no
00:32:37his thumbs moved across my cheekbones my temples the line of my jaw checking the way a person checks
00:32:43a child after they have fallen
00:32:49i should not have left this morning i asked garcia to let him up
00:32:56i know she called me on the drive back i broke three traffic laws damien i would have broken 30
00:33:10look at me
00:33:19i had not in all the time i had known him seen damien crane afraid of anything not his father
00:33:26not his mother not a boardroom not a press conference not the leverage held over him by half of manhattan
00:33:34he was afraid now he was afraid that i had spent 12 minutes in a room with the man i
00:33:39had loved for
00:33:39seven years and that 12 minutes was all it took for me to forgive him
00:33:45i told him no i know i told him to leave
00:33:53i know i am not going back to him he closed his eyes he pressed his forehead to mine
00:34:00he stayed there breathing for a long time
00:34:10sloan i am about to be very selfish
00:34:14be selfish
00:34:17i do not want to leave this room again
00:34:20then don't
00:34:23he did not
00:34:34he did not sleep that night the chair he pulled up to my bed was leather and too small
00:34:39he folded himself into it anyway he held my left hand inside both of his and watched the heart
00:34:45monitor as if it might lie if he looked away sometime around 3 a m i pretended to be asleep
00:34:51just to see what he would do he stood up he walked to the window he looked out at the
00:34:56east
00:34:57river for 10 minutes he turned back he stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise
00:35:02and fall
00:35:02counting with the precision of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac then he came back
00:35:08to
00:35:08the chair he leaned in he pressed his lips very lightly to the inside of my wrist where the ivy
00:35:14line went in
00:35:14he whispered into my skin
00:35:30i am sorry i did not come sooner
00:35:36when
00:35:40you were awake sooner when damien
00:35:49eight years ago
00:35:51when the night you came home from grad school for the holiday
00:35:55you laughed at something preston said about a sample i had never heard of
00:35:58i went home and painted 700 nassaville on a wall
00:36:03and decided i would wait
00:36:06i should have come for you that night
00:36:09damien
00:36:11i would have if i had known how it would end
00:36:15he looked at the signet on my fourth finger
00:36:18i bought this a long time ago
00:36:21this ring
00:36:23this ring
00:36:25for me
00:36:26for the day i stopped waiting
00:36:30i waited far longer than i should have
00:36:32i am not waiting an hour longer than i have to
00:36:36damien
00:36:39what are you telling me
00:36:41he met my eyes
00:36:47i am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise
00:36:50when you walk out of this hospital you walk into my house
00:36:59and you do not walk out of it again unless i am holding the door
00:37:06the next person who tries to take you from me
00:37:08will spend the rest of his life regretting it
00:37:26faster
00:37:27good
00:37:35discharge day
00:37:36damien did not let a nurse touch me
00:37:38he sent the wheelchair away
00:37:40he sent the orderly away
00:37:42he scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees and one behind my
00:37:46shoulders and carried me
00:37:47slowly the length of the corridor to the elevator
00:37:50i had walked
00:37:51by then
00:37:52the length of that corridor on my own three times
00:37:55i did not need to be carried
00:37:56i did not object
00:37:58the elevator opened in the underground garage
00:38:01a black idled
00:38:02he set me down only long enough to open the door
00:38:05and then he lifted me again into the back seat as if the act of placing me there himself was
00:38:09something he could not delegate
00:38:10garcia
00:38:11in the front passenger's seat
00:38:12did not turn around
00:38:14the pulled out
00:38:15damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown
00:38:29i bought the building
00:38:31which building
00:38:32my building
00:38:33i own the penthouse i bought the rest of it last month
00:38:36all of it
00:38:37all of it
00:38:39why
00:38:41i did not want strangers across a wall from you
00:38:46damien
00:38:51the other residents have been compensated above market
00:38:53they had 90 days to relocate
00:38:55the last unit cleared on friday
00:38:57the building is empty except for the staff i vetted
00:39:01and the floor i am going to put your father on if he wants it
00:39:04my father has a house
00:39:06he has a house he may also have the eighth floor
00:39:10damien you are being excessive
00:39:14i am told i am being excessive
00:39:17he brought my hand to his mouth
00:39:20tell me to stop
00:39:21i am not telling you to stop
00:39:24i can't bear to
00:39:27the pulled into the garage
00:39:31he carried me into the elevator the doors opened directly into his foyer
00:39:36into the wall of painted narcissus and he set me down in front of it
00:39:46look look
00:39:47i looked
00:39:48a second wall
00:39:49opposite the first
00:39:51had been painted in my absence
00:39:53cause
00:39:54the shapes of ice cores
00:39:5637 of them
00:39:57one for every site i had drilled in seven years
00:39:59labeled in white paint in my own handwriting
00:40:02which had been copied
00:40:03line for line
00:40:04from photographs of the field journal reagan had stolen
00:40:08i could not speak
00:40:16i commissioned it in march
00:40:18the artist worked from your notebooks
00:40:19i had the originals returned from the federal evidence locker on a temporary basis
00:40:24they are now back in the locker
00:40:26damien
00:40:27the paintings are yours
00:40:30welcome home sloane
00:40:31the first week in his apartment
00:40:32i learned how he had been loving me for a long time
00:40:35i learned it in small pieces
00:40:36the way a person learns the contents of a house they have moved into without a tour
00:40:40a bookshelf in the library held every paper i had ever published even the undergraduate ones
00:40:45even the conference posters bound in matching cloth and arranged in chronological order
00:40:50a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's recipe for soda bread
00:40:53hand copied from her handwriting onto a card he had laminated
00:40:56a folder in his study kept in a drawer he did not lock contained years of photographs of me
00:41:01clipped from family christmas cards and university newsletters and the society pages
00:41:06i found the folder on the sixth day i did not tell him i had found it
00:41:10i sat on the floor of his study and turned through the photographs in order
00:41:13and at the back of the folder i found a single envelope
00:41:16sealed addressed to me in his handwriting and dated a long time ago
00:41:20i almost opened it
00:41:21i did not
00:41:22i left it where it was
00:41:23that night at dinner i asked him the letter in the back of the folder
00:41:27he set his fork down he did not pretend to misunderstand
00:41:30you found it
00:41:32what is it
00:41:34it is what i would have said to you that night if i had come for you instead of painting
00:41:37the wall
00:41:38you kept it
00:41:41i kept everything
00:41:42damien
00:41:43i have kept the napkin you wrote your phone number on when you were 11
00:41:46i have kept the wrapper of the chocolate you split with me at your sister's christenshin
00:41:49i have kept the program of every recital your mother dragged us to
00:41:52i have kept the cockscrew you used to open the wine at your graduation dinner
00:41:55i have kept the boarding pass you gave me when you came back from iceland the year you turned 23
00:42:00and asked if i would pick you up from jf because your boyfriend had forgotten
00:42:05he met my eyes
00:42:06i have kept all of it because i had to keep something
00:42:08i set my fork down too
00:42:10how many marriages did your mother arrange for you
00:42:12three
00:42:15you refused all three
00:42:16i refused all three
00:42:19for me
00:42:20sloan
00:42:22everything i have ever refused i refused for you
00:42:24his mother came on tuesday she had not in the seven years i dated preston sent me so much as
00:42:30a holiday card
00:42:31she came now with a bouquet of pale pink peonies and a smile that did not reach her eyes and
00:42:36she
00:42:37sat across from me in damien's living room with the careful posture of a woman conducting a negotiation
00:42:41she expected to win damien stood by the window he did not sit he did not greet his mother
00:42:47sloan and dear i came to welcome you mrs crane
00:42:50i imagine all of this has been very overwhelming the hospital the press my son's enthusiasm
00:42:54his enthusiasm
00:42:56he has always been intense
00:42:58particularly about the things he has wanted for a long time
00:43:01i wonder if you have considered my dear whether intensity about this stage in your recovery is perhaps what you
00:43:06need
00:43:06by the window damien turned he did not raise his voice
00:43:09mother
00:43:11damien
00:43:12you have ten seconds to walk out of this apartment
00:43:16damien i am only
00:43:18eight seconds
00:43:20you will not speak to me
00:43:22six seconds
00:43:23the peonies untouched on the coffee table trembled with the vibration of the elevator returning to the foyer
00:43:29she rose she gathered her coat she looked at me with the same smile pulled tight across her face
00:43:34my dear when this novelty passes
00:43:36two seconds
00:43:37she left the elevator doors closed damien did not move for a long moment
00:43:41then he crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair where i was sitting
00:43:45he took both my hands
00:43:47sloan
00:43:48damien
00:43:49my mother will not be in this apartment again
00:43:51damien she's your mother
00:43:52my mother spent a long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard enough
00:43:55she introduced me to 14 women whose family is my last name
00:43:58she told my father at one point that i was an embarrassment to the family for refusing to marry
00:44:02she does not get to walk in here now and call you a novelty
00:44:04there is no version of this where you are second to anyone sloan not my mother
00:44:09not the company
00:44:10not the past
00:44:12he pressed my knuckles to his mouth
00:44:14not for the rest of my life
00:44:17he visited preston in prison on a wednesday i did not know he had gone until he came home and
00:44:22sat
00:44:22across from me at the kitchen island and poured himself a glass of whiskey and told me
00:44:26i went to see marsh today
00:44:28damien
00:44:29i had to
00:44:31why
00:44:33i wanted him to see my face
00:44:35he turned the glass in his fingers
00:44:37he has been telling himself since the hearing that what happened to him was the system
00:44:41that the audit broke him
00:44:43that the federal prosecutor broke him
00:44:45that the press broke him
00:44:47i wanted him to know it was a man
00:44:49what did you say to him
00:44:52i sat across a steel table from her 14 minutes i didn't speak for the first 10
00:44:56he waited he was the one who broke
00:44:57he asked me what i wanted
00:44:59i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what he had done
00:45:02that he had touched a woman i had loved for a long time
00:45:05that he had taken seven years of her life and gambled them on a press release
00:45:09that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her family would clean it up
00:45:12i told him that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to understand was that
00:45:15there had never been a moment in all the time he had known her when she was unprotected
00:45:19i told him that he was alive only because you had asked me not to make a different decision
00:45:22he drank
00:45:25he cried
00:45:27damien
00:45:27i did not enjoy it
00:45:29did you not
00:45:30he set down the glass
00:45:32i enjoyed every second of it i'm not going to pretend otherwise
00:45:35i sat across from a man who had hurt you and i watched him understand
00:45:38for the first time that he had been a small animal stepping on the tail of a much larger one
00:45:43he came around the island he stopped in front of me
00:45:45he cupped the back of my neck the way he had cupped my skull in the tent
00:45:48that is what i am sloan with respect to you i am the much larger animal
00:45:55i will be that animal for the rest of your life for any person who looks at you sideways
00:45:58i am not going to pretend to be a different one tell me you understand
00:46:03i understand he pressed his forehead to mine
00:46:07good
00:46:08reagan called the apartment on a thursday she had been told by every lawyer involved not to
00:46:14the no contact clause was in effect she called anyway through the main line of crane industries
00:46:19asking to be put through to me by name the receptionist forwarded the call to garcia
00:46:23garcia forwarded it to damien damien answered on speaker in front of me at the kitchen island
00:46:30miss snow
00:46:31master crane i am calling because
00:46:35you are calling because your book deal collapsed your father's foundation has been quietly delisted
00:46:40from three donor circles in the last six weeks your fiance's family has rescinded the engagement
00:46:45your apartment lease is not being renewed and you have correctly disduced that all of this is
00:46:50connected silence it is connected mr crane i would like you to listen to me very carefully miss snow
00:46:57the reason your life is currently coming apart is not because i am vindictive i am perfectly capable
00:47:03of vindictiveness i have not yet been vindictive with you the reason your life is coming apart is
00:47:08because the woman whose career you tried to take whose data you stole and whose recording i played
00:47:12in front of you in a tent at minus 31 asked me three months ago to leave you alone i
00:47:17have honored
00:47:17that request i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to honor it it turns
00:47:26out
00:47:26there are a great number of those people they are removing you on their own from the rooms they control
00:47:32the book editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloan's the donor coordinator at your
00:47:36father's foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago your fiance's mother has been on the
00:47:40board of the whitfield climate initiative since 2011. they are not retaliating the snow they are
00:47:46simply choosing mr crane please i am not the one you should be asking miss snow he ended the call
00:47:52he set down the phone he looked at me she will call again she will eventually call you she might
00:47:59i
00:48:00like permission when she does to make a small adjustment to her circumstances what adjustment
00:48:04a federal investigation currently dormant into the source of the wire that funded her aridja greywit
00:48:09internship damien i will only act if you tell me to i looked at him for a long moment i
00:48:15did not tell him
00:48:15to i also did not tell him not to he read my face he nodded once he poured me a
00:48:21cup of tea the nights were the
00:48:22hardest i had not in seven years with preston slept poorly i had slept on his couches and in his
00:48:29tents
00:48:29and across his shoulders on long flights and i had slept the way a person who believed in the structure
00:48:34of her life slept the structure was gone now the nights showed it i did not tell damien he noticed
00:48:40anyway he noticed on the fourth night when he came up to bring me a book i had asked for
00:48:45and found me
00:48:46sitting on the couch by the south windows with the lights off he set the book down he sat next
00:48:51to me he did
00:48:52not ask he simply pulled me carefully against his shoulder and we sat that way until the city lights
00:48:58began to thin toward dawn on the fifth night he came up at 10 on the sixth night he came
00:49:04up at nine
00:49:04on the seventh night he stayed he did not ask permission he came up with a small leather bag
00:49:10and a book and the smallest most contained smile i had ever seen on his face and he said sloan
00:49:16i am
00:49:16gonna sleep in the second bedroom the door will be open if you need me you say my name you
00:49:21do not
00:49:22have to get up you do not have to ring a bell you say my name and i will be
00:49:25in the room in under three
00:49:26seconds damien i am not asking for anything i know i am telling you that for the rest of your
00:49:36life if
00:49:36you say my name in the dark i will be there in under three seconds he kissed my forehead he
00:49:42went into the
00:49:43second bedroom he left the door open i lay in my own bed for the first hour i listened to
00:49:48the sounds
00:49:48of him in the next room the small zipper of the leather bag the click of a lamp the soft
00:49:53rustle of
00:49:53a turn page at 11 30 the page turning stopped he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest
00:49:59i got
00:50:00up i crossed the hallway i stood in the doorway of the second bedroom and watched him sleep a man
00:50:05in
00:50:05a charcoal pullover and reading glasses in a guest bed in his own house lit by a single lamp he
00:50:11had been
00:50:11waiting a long time to sleep in the same hallway as me i went back to my room i left
00:50:16both doors open
00:50:16i slept the whole night through he gave me the cranes on a sunday i had told him two weeks
00:50:22earlier
00:50:22in the way a person tells a story that no longer matters that as a child i had folded a
00:50:27wish into a
00:50:28paper crane and put it in a jar on my bedroom windowsill the wish had been for my mother to
00:50:32get well my mother had not gotten well i had stopped folding cranes he had said nothing at the time
00:50:37he had
00:50:38simply nodded he led me to the library that sunday morning he opened the double doors the room three
00:50:43stories of bookshelves a leather sofa his piano against the back wall had been filled since i
00:50:49had last been in it the day before with paper cranes there were thousands of them they hung from
00:50:54the ceiling on threads of clear nylon in soft drifts at different heights in the pale yellow of winter
00:50:59narcissus i stopped in the doorway one thousand damien one for every wish i have made for you since we
00:51:07were
00:51:07children i kept count he stepped into the room he turned one of the cranes gently on its thread i
00:51:13started after the year your mother died i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for
00:51:16you i
00:51:17started folding i folded one a week for the first year two a week for the next sometime around my
00:51:21underground years i lost track i counted them last month there were 947 i folded the last 53 in the
00:51:28apartment downstairs while you were upstairs sleeping i crossed the room i touched one of the cranes
00:51:33the paper was thin and cool the crease was perfect i knew the fold it was the same fold i
00:51:39had used at
00:51:40nine he had been folding cranes for me alone in his apartment for a long time damien what were the
00:51:48wishes he looked at me that you would grow up happy that you would grow up loved that you would
00:51:52grow up
00:51:53to do the work you wanted that you would eventually be able to come home and rest that you would
00:51:58eventually
00:51:59see me that is the only wish i never finished folding he reached up and unhooked a single crane
00:52:06from a thread above his head he held it out to me i would like you to fold the last
00:52:10one i took the crane
00:52:11it was a half fold the paper waiting the crease set damien when you are ready i am ready i
00:52:19folded the last
00:52:20crane the wish i folded inside it was that i had not taken so long to see him i hung
00:52:25it on the empty thread
00:52:26he held me in the doorway of the library for a long time
00:52:32i kissed him that night not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago not a
00:52:37kiss i
00:52:38was allowing him to give me a kiss i gave him i crossed the library after dinner he was at
00:52:43the
00:52:43piano playing the eight notes my mother used to hum he did not see me coming i sat down next
00:52:48to him on
00:52:48the bench i waited for him to finish the phrase i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under
00:52:54his
00:52:54chin i kissed him he went very still for a heartbeat he did not respond then he made a small
00:53:00sound not a
00:53:01word something quieter a sound i had never heard him make in all the time i had known him and
00:53:05his
00:53:06hand came up to cut the back of my neck and the bench creaked because he had moved without thinking
00:53:10he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person he has been kissing in his head every night
00:53:14for a long
00:53:15time when he pulled back both his hands were on my face his breath was not steady his eyes had
00:53:20gone
00:53:20very dark sloan damien i would like to say something say it i have loved you for a very long
00:53:30time i have
00:53:31loved you across continents and three engagements i refused and seven years of a man who was not me
00:53:36i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat i have loved you while you
00:53:39wrote
00:53:39thank you notes addressed to him on stationery i paid for i have loved you while you called me at
00:53:44midnight to ask which dress you should wear to his department dinner i have loved you in every
00:53:47shape a man can love a woman and still hide it i am not going to hide any of it
00:53:53from this minute
00:53:53forward damien i love you his hands tightened on my face say it again i love you again i love
00:54:06you
00:54:07damien he pressed his forehead to mine for a long moment he did not move he simply breathed then he
00:54:12picked
00:54:13me up off the bench carefully with respect to the wound and walked me out of the library past the
00:54:18wall of narcissus into the foyer he did not put me down at the elevator he carried me into the
00:54:23bedroom
00:54:24he set me slowly on the edge of the bed he knelt on the floor in front of me he
00:54:28took both my hands
00:54:29i am not going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night i die he
00:54:33looked up at me
00:54:34but i would like tonight to ask you one thing marry me the cranes in the library down the hall
00:54:40turned slowly on their threads in the draft from the open window
00:54:45yes
00:54:48damien yes he did not let me go to alaska alone we had agreed weeks earlier that he would not
00:54:54come
00:54:54he had said it himself in the kitchen that the right answer for my career was yes and the right
00:54:59answer
00:54:59for his heart was no and that he would not be the one who decided which side of the snow
00:55:03line i slept on
00:55:04he had meant it he had also the same night he meant it started building a contingency i found out
00:55:10about
00:55:10the contingency on the morning of april second he came into the breakfast room with a folder under his
00:55:15arm and set it down next to my coffee sloney crane industries has launched a polar research division
00:55:27when last week damien the division is headquarters out of anchorage it is funding three independent
00:55:35scientific teams across the rongel and saint elia ranges the director of the division is a 58 year
00:55:40old former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally approved at 3 a.m on a sunday the director reports
00:55:46to a vice president of strategic operations damien the vice president of strategic operations will be
00:55:51working out of a forward base camp in the ringlish range from april 15th through the close of the
00:55:54field season damien the vice president of strategic operations me i close the folder you are not coming
00:56:00with me to the field as my boyfriend i am not coming with you to the field as your boyfriend
00:56:04you are
00:56:05coming with me to the field as the vice president of a polar research resension you invented in the last
00:56:10three weeks with cover that will hold up to any audit damien i will sleep in a separate module i
00:56:18will not
00:56:18interfere with your team i will not be on your your radio frequency i will however be 300 yards away
00:56:23every night you are in the field you did not have to do this i had to do this why
00:56:29he sat down across
00:56:31from me he took my left hand he looked at the signet ring he had slid onto it the night
00:56:35of the surgery
00:56:36and never asked back because the last time you went to that mountain without me you came home with a
00:56:41hole
00:56:41in your chest i am not living through that twice i can take care of myself i know you can
00:56:46i am asking
00:56:49please for the rest of my life to never have to find out again i looked at him for a
00:56:53long moment i had
00:56:54spent seven years asking a man to follow me to airports i now had a man who would follow me
00:56:58to ice
00:56:59all right he brought my hand to his mouth thank you we landed in anchorage on april 15th he had
00:57:07flown
00:57:07commercial three days ahead of me to maintain the cover he met me at the airport in a crane industries
00:57:13parka with a name tag that said d crane vp strategic ops and the face so neutral that even i
00:57:19almost
00:57:19believed it he shook my hand at the gate he did not kiss me he carried my carry on to
00:57:24the suv in the
00:57:25suv with the doors closed and the windows tinted he took my face in both hands and kissed me as
00:57:30if he
00:57:30had not seen me in a year three days was too long damien i am revising the cover i will
00:57:38be sleeping in
00:57:39your module that defeats the cover i do not care damien three days sloan he kissed me again the cover
00:57:48for the record held the cold weather medic worked it out the first night finn worked it out the second
00:57:54briggs who had transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february worked it out before we
00:57:59even landed nobody said anything nobody had to damien did not hide that he watched me work
00:58:05damien did not hide that he ate every meal next to me damien did not hide that when i came
00:58:09back from
00:58:10the day's transects with snow in my hair he met me at the door of the heated module with a
00:58:14towel he had
00:58:14warmed by the stove the team by week two simply absorbed him finn said it best late one night in
00:58:21the
00:58:21operations module after damien had stepped out to take a call sloan i have seen a lot of men love
00:58:27a lot
00:58:28of women i have never seen one love a woman like that like what like you are the only currency
00:58:34he
00:58:34has ever wanted i did not have an answer for that finn went back to his clipboard damien came back
00:58:39in
00:58:39he sat down next to me he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking he glanced
00:58:44at the medical
00:58:45chart on my clipboard frowned slightly at one number on it and said pulse is up i just walked in
00:58:51from the
00:58:51field that is not field walk pulse damien i would like the medic to look at you tonight the medic
00:58:56looked at
00:58:57me that night the pulse was as it turned out fine damien did not apologize for asking in the third
00:59:04week i learned about the foundations i learned about them by accident the way i had learned about the
00:59:09wall of narcissus and the box of cranes and the bound copies of every paper i had ever published he
00:59:14did not volunteer the information i found it by following a thread the thread was a small thank you
00:59:20note from a graduate student in cape town that arrived at base camp by satellite mail the student had
00:59:25received a stipend from the polar atlas foundation to attend a conference where i had given a keynote
00:59:30four years earlier the note was effusive it thanked me for the body of work and the foundation for the
00:59:35stipend i had never heard of the polar atlas foundation i looked it up polar atlas foundation
00:59:41had given approximately eight hundred thousand dollars over the past nine years in small individual
00:59:45stipends to graduate students in glaciology climate science and polar geophysics the recipient list was a
00:59:52precise map of every young researcher whose work had any tangential connection to mine the foundation's
00:59:57board was three people none of them i had heard of i traced the llc behind the foundation through three
01:00:03jurisdictions it was damien's i traced four other foundations through the same pattern northern light
01:00:08trust ice and salt initiative the 1 962 foundation named i realized for the year of the lock at the
01:00:17lake house the whitfield adjacent fellowship together they had quietly dispersed about 11 million dollars to
01:00:23young scientists in fields adjacent to mine i confronted him about it that night in our module he did not
01:00:29deny it damien i funded your students i do not have students you will i funded the field you were
01:00:39going
01:00:39to lead damien he took my hand i have been preparing the ground sloan for a long time i built
01:00:50the foundation
01:00:50network the same way i built the apartment in the wall not for you to notice for you to land
01:00:55in when you
01:00:56were ready when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will every promising postdoc in
01:01:00the discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you i did not stack the dare because i
01:01:04did not trust you to win without it i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight
01:01:08for
01:01:08what should have been handed to you seven years ago damien yes there is no part of my life you
01:01:13have
01:01:13not been holding up from underneath there is no part of you sloan i am not willing to hold up
01:01:18from
01:01:18underneath in the fourth week he showed me reagan's file he had not brought it up since we landed he
01:01:24brought
01:01:24it up only because that morning an emergency message had come through the satellite system
01:01:29a tabloid in new york had published a photograph of me being carried by damien off the medevac in
01:01:35february the photograph had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the helipad the
01:01:39caption beneath the photo was a quote attributed anonymously to a close friend of reagan snow suggesting
01:01:45that i had been romantically pursuing damien crane during my seven-year relationship with preston
01:01:50damien read it to me at breakfast he did not raise his voice he set down the satellite tablet
01:01:55he picked up his coffee he took a slow sip
01:02:01sclone damien i am withdrawing my offer to leave her alone damien she violated the no contact clause
01:02:08when she planted the quote that is now her problem not mine the deferred prosecution agreement is forfeit
01:02:13she will be charged with the underlying fraud on monday the federal investigation into her
01:02:17underground funding will be opened on tuesday i would like to do one additional thing he looked
01:02:21at me i would like to release the recording the full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call
01:02:27from the wrangle command tent had been used in the ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full
01:02:32audio had never been made public the two-minute clip the press had covered had only contained the
01:02:36part about the journal the remaining 90 seconds contain the part where she had called me stupid for
01:02:41thinking money could buy a man the part where she had described in detail the strategy of waiting for me
01:02:47to humiliate myself into walking away the part where she had laughed release it he did not blink all
01:02:54of it all of it to the same outlet that ran the tabloid quote to the same outlet he took
01:03:00out his
01:03:00satellite phone he made one cool the call lasted four minutes by dinner the recording was up by midnight
01:03:07it had been picked up by every major outlet that had covered the original audit by the next morning the
01:03:12tabloid that had run the quote had retracted it by the end of the week the publishing house that had
01:03:17originally pulled reagan's book deal had publicly announced that it had also voided her advance
01:03:21contract for any future work reagan's snow did not surface in public again damien did not say anything
01:03:27about it he did not have to he had told me weeks ago that there had never been a moment
01:03:32in our entire
01:03:33acquaintance when i was unprotected i was beginning finally to understand exactly what that had meant
01:03:39i drilled whitfield one the same day the recording went live we had not planned the timing the team
01:03:44had simply gotten to the site in the rotation and the weather had cooperated and briggs had said
01:03:49that morning today is your day damien insisted on coming he had not pressed to be on any other field
01:03:55site with me he had stayed within his cover he had let me work without his shadow on my shoulder
01:04:00on the morning of whitfield one he did not ask permission he came he carried the equipment up the
01:04:05ridge himself even though briggs had two team members ready to do it he stood 10 feet away while
01:04:10i drilled he did not speak i drilled i logged the call i labeled it i stood up i turned
01:04:16to look at him
01:04:17he was watching me the way he had watched me come off the medevac at teeterborough a year before
01:04:21not breathing not blinking counting with his thumb pressed unconsciously to the inside of his own wrist
01:04:27where he had once pressed it to mine damien i am all right i know
01:04:36this is the spot i know this is where i called you this is where you called me he took
01:04:43a step closer
01:04:43he looked down at the snow he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been he looked
01:04:48at
01:04:48the lee of the outcrop where the walls had moved through then he knelt he did not cry he pressed
01:04:52his
01:04:52palm flat to the snow the way a person might press a palm to a grave he stayed there for
01:04:57a long moment
01:04:57when he stood his glove was wet through he took my hand i would like to ask you something ask
01:05:03i would
01:05:03like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me on the anniversary for the rest
01:05:07of our
01:05:07lives not because it was the worst day because it was the day you called me that is the day
01:05:12i want to
01:05:13keep i closed my hand around his every year every year all right briggs 20 feet away very politely
01:05:21turned his back to give us privacy we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more minutes when we
01:05:25walked back down the ridge damien did not let go of my hand briggs did not say anything about that
01:05:31either we came home on may 28th he had said the night before we landed that he wanted to be
01:05:37the
01:05:37one who drove me back from the airport he had said it the way he said most things now calmly
01:05:41with the
01:05:42assumption that i would not object i did not object he drove me back from teterboro at 6am on a
01:05:48tuesday in late spring the apartment when we walked into the foyer had changed the wall of
01:05:53cause the one he had commissioned for me in march was the same the wall of narcissus opposite was the
01:05:58same the piano was the same the library three rooms down was the same the bedroom had changed he had
01:06:05moved his things in his shoes by the door his charcoal pullover folded over the back of the reading
01:06:10chair his book on the bedside table and what had become in the last two months his side sloan
01:06:17damien i am not asking permission i am not asking you to he smiled it was the first full
01:06:23unmanaged smile i had ever seen on his face he set my carry-on down by the door he picked
01:06:28me up i have
01:06:29had a small panic every day for six weeks that you would change your mind on the plane i did
01:06:33not change
01:06:34my mind i know that now damien put me down no i can walk i know he carried me through
01:06:41the foyer past the
01:06:43wall of cause into the bedroom he set me very carefully on the edge of the bed he knelt in
01:06:48front
01:06:48of me he took both my hands he looked up at me for a long moment i would like to
01:06:53ask you the question
01:06:53i told you i was going to ask you in the winter damien it is may i cannot wait until
01:06:59the winter
01:06:59it's may sloan he reached into his pocket he took out a small velvet box he did not place it
01:07:06on the
01:07:06piano this time he opened it inside on a small bed of pale cream silk was a ring it was
01:07:12not the kind of
01:07:13ring i would have expected not from him not from a man who could have walked into any jeweler in
01:07:18manhattan and chosen any stone in the city it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold set into it
01:07:24almost flush was a single pale yellow sapphire the color of winter narcissus i knew the stone i knew the
01:07:31stone because it had been in my mother's locket the locket she had worn the day she died the locket
01:07:36my father had been keeping in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18 years damien i
01:07:41asked your
01:07:42father six months ago damien he gave it to me with both hands damien sloney whitfield damien i will say
01:07:52it twice if i have to say it i have loved you for a very long time i built a
01:08:00life with one room in it
01:08:01the room had no furniture and no light and one chair facing the door i sat in the chair year
01:08:06after year
01:08:06i sat in it through three engagements i refused i sat in it through your seven years with another man
01:08:12i sat in it through the night your mother died and the night you graduated and the night i painted
01:08:16the
01:08:16wall i sat in it on the afternoon you called me from a mountain in alaska i have not been
01:08:22in that
01:08:22room since the day i picked you up off the floor of that tent the room is gone now sloan
01:08:27the whole
01:08:27house is yours marry me i had thought for months that when this moment came i would say something
01:08:35simple i had thought i would say yes i had thought i would say yes because the word was small
01:08:39and complete
01:08:40and did not need any of the surrounding architecture instead i sat on the edge of his bed in his
01:08:45apartment in front of the wall of cause he had commissioned for me holding my mother's yellow
01:08:49sapphire on its brushed gold band and i started to cry i had not cried since the helicopter i cried
01:08:55now
01:08:55he did not move he did not say a word he let me cry after a long time i said
01:09:01it yes he closed his
01:09:04eyes once he opened them say it again yes again yes damien yes he slid the ring onto my fourth
01:09:15finger above the signet he had given me in the hospital the brushed gold was warm the yellow
01:09:20sapphire caught the morning light coming in off the east river he stayed kneeling he pressed his forehead
01:09:25to my knees i bent forward i rested my forehead against the crown of his head we stayed like that
01:09:30in the bedroom in his apartment for a long time after a while he stood up he picked me up
01:09:35off the edge
01:09:36of the bed he did not this time set me down anywhere he carried me to the south windows he
01:09:42stood there
01:09:42holding me looking out at the city mrs crane
01:09:47damien i am rehearsing rehearse it once more mrs crane yes damien he smiled into my hair he did not
01:09:56put me down for the rest of the morning we were married in november he gave me in the months
01:10:02between
01:10:02the kind of wedding that a man who has been planning a wedding in his head for a long time
01:10:06gives a woman
01:10:07who has been allowing herself to imagine one for 10 weeks which is to say a small wedding i had
01:10:12thought he would want a large one he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan he did not he
01:10:17picked the lake house he picked a saturday in late november when the first snow was due he picked the
01:10:22porch he invited my father three of his cousins garcia briggs finn my two graduate cohort co-investigators
01:10:30the cold weather medic the surgeon who had patched my lung and the national science foundation chair that was
01:10:35the entire guest list his mother was not invited she wrote him a letter the week before the wedding
01:10:40he returned it unopened he did not tell me he had returned it garcia mentioned it in passing on the
01:10:46morning of the wedding the way she mentioned most logistical details i asked him about it that afternoon
01:10:51in the bedroom while i was getting dressed he buttoned his cuff he did not look up damien she asked
01:10:58two
01:10:59months ago if she could attend and i told her she would be welcome the day she apologized to you
01:11:06she did not she did not damien sloan she is your mother she had 30 years to be my mother
01:11:16she used that
01:11:17time to try to take you from me i am not paying her interest on a debt she did not
01:11:20service he buttoned
01:11:21the second cuff when she is ready to apologize to you she may come to dinner until then she may
01:11:27live with
01:11:27what she chose i crossed the room i straightened his tie slowly with both hands damien i love you
01:11:35he caught my hands at his collar he kissed both wrists one after the other mrs crane not yet in
01:11:4243
01:11:42minutes 43 i have been counting since 6 a.m he kissed me on the forehead he turned me toward
01:11:48the door
01:11:48your father is waiting downstairs all right sclone walk slowly why because the next time you walk
01:11:54through a door toward me you are mine i would like to remember every second of it he cried at
01:11:58the
01:11:58ceremony i had not expected him to i had not thought it possible he had been for the entirety of
01:12:04the
01:12:04time i had known him a man who had not visibly cried at a funeral a wedding a court ruling
01:12:09or a
01:12:10press conference he had stood at his father's gravesite and not shed a tear he cried on the porch
01:12:15of the lake house on a saturday in november when he saw me come around the corner of the house
01:12:19in my
01:12:19mother's dress my father saw it first he squeezed my elbow look at him i looked damien was standing at
01:12:27the end of the porch in front of the open front door the brass lock the lock that had held
01:12:31since
01:12:31the house was built was just behind him his hands were clasped in front of him his eyes were closed
01:12:36tears were moving slowly down his cheeks he did not wipe them he opened his eyes when i was three
01:12:42steps
01:12:43away he smiled it was the smile of a man who had been waiting a long time to use it
01:12:47my father set my hand into his damien sir she is yours sir she always was dad smiled he took
01:12:58his
01:12:58seat in the front row the officiant a friend of the family who had married my parents in the same
01:13:03spot long ago said a few words he spoke about commitment he spoke about the longevity of love
01:13:08that has been quietly held he spoke briefly about my mother who had taught him to make soda bread when
01:13:14he was a young man then he said damien your vows damien took both my hands sloan whitfield damien
01:13:21crane i have loved you for a very long time i kept a small notebook the notebook had in it
01:13:26everything i
01:13:26learned about you that nobody else knew the way you held your fork the way you closed a door so
01:13:30it did
01:13:30not click the way you ate the corners of a sandwich first the way you bit your thumb before you
01:13:35took an
01:13:35exam i do not need the notebook anymore the porch was very quiet he went on i am keeping it
01:13:40for our
01:13:41daughter i vow to love you with the precision and the patience of a man who has practiced i vow
01:13:46to
01:13:46defend you the way i have always defended you which is publicly immediately and without negotiation i
01:13:51vow to bring you tea every morning and to play the piano for you every night i vow to come
01:13:54home for
01:13:55dinner every night for the rest of my life i vow to never under any circumstances let you walk out
01:14:00of
01:14:00a room without telling you first that i love you that is what i have for you sloan the rest
01:14:04is yours to ask
01:14:04i said my vows i do not remember them i remember only that when the officiant said you may kiss
01:14:10the
01:14:10bride damien did not move quickly he moved very slowly he cupped my face the way he had cupped it
01:14:15the day he came up off the floor of the tent in rainbow he kissed me the first snow began
01:14:20on cue behind
01:14:21him we did not have a reception we had dinner 12 of us around a long wooden table in the
01:14:28dining room of
01:14:28the lake house with two of my cousins and my father and garcia and briggs and finn and the medic
01:14:33and the
01:14:33surgeon and the national science foundation chair who had brought his wife the food was simple the
01:14:38wine was old the conversation moved the way conversations at lake houses move in slow loops
01:14:44that did not need anywhere to go after dinner damien played the piano he played the eight notes my
01:14:49mother used to hum he played the second eight notes he had written for me alone in his apartment
01:14:53while i had been in alaska drilling whitfield one he played a third set of eight notes i had never
01:14:58heard he stopped after the third set he turned to me that one i wrote this morning
01:15:04when this morning 4am damien i will write you a new eight notes every morning of our marriage
01:15:13damien i have already started counting around midnight the guests went to bed in the guest
01:15:17rooms upstairs damien took my hand he led me out the front door onto the porch and down the gravel
01:15:23drive to the boathouse at the edge of the lake the boathouse was lit with a single lamp he had
01:15:28had it
01:15:28cleaned he had had a single chair placed inside it by the window facing the water he had hung and
01:15:33i
01:15:33almost laughed when i saw it every single one of the thousand cranes from the apartment library
01:15:38they hung from the ceiling of the boathouse in soft drifts of pale yellow and the lamp lit them
01:15:43from below he stood with me in the doorway sloan damien this is the last thing the last thing every
01:15:50other thing i have done over all this time i have done quietly i have folded a rain i have
01:15:53painted a
01:15:54wall i have learned a piece of music i've bought a building i've built a foundation network i've
01:15:58refused a marriage i did all of it quietly because you were not yet mine this is the last thing
01:16:02i do
01:16:02quietly he turned me to face him from tomorrow i do everything loudly i bring you flowers in front of
01:16:07every restaurant i hold your hand at every board meeting i introduce you at every event in the city
01:16:11as my wife for the rest of my life tell me you understand i understand sloan welcome home he cupped
01:16:20my face in both hands he kissed me slowly the way he had kissed me on the porch and behind
01:16:25him the
01:16:26thousand cranes turned slowly in the draft i had spent seven years thinking my life was a story about
01:16:31being seen by the wrong man it had been all along a story about being held up from underneath by
01:16:37the
01:16:37right one the right one was holding me now in a boat house at the edge of a lake at
01:16:41midnight in
01:16:42november in front of 1000 paper wishes he had folded for me before he was 30 years old the wish
01:16:47i had
01:16:47folded into the last crane months ago had been that i had not taken so long to see him the
01:16:53wish i made now
01:16:54standing in the doorway was that i would have a lifetime more the end