- 24 minutes ago
The AC Went Out That Summer EPISODE
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Short filmTranscript
00:09two years that's how long i've hated my stepbrother samir counting from the day my mom married his
00:16dad 12 years older than me what gave him the right to crash into my life take my mom move
00:22into my
00:22house but today the heat's burning through the whole house the ac's dead it's just me and him
00:29up here he crouches at the edge of my bed working the wiring sweat slides down the muscle of his
00:36forearm and i'm pressed into the corner knees clamping tighter and tighter beyond my control
00:41he's supposed to be the person i hate most but the second his sweat soaked back turns and those
00:46eyes land on me charged now with something else something inside me cracks clean open and god
00:52help me i don't want him to stop 98 degrees the ac in my room died this morning just gave
01:01out
01:02i hate this house the way it is now anyway i hate the day mom married kevin and packed him
01:08and his
01:08quiet 30 something sun into my life two years now every wrong thing under this roof started that day
01:19too hot to think
01:22i've kicked off my shorts a tank strap slipping off my shoulder and flopped back on the bed to call
01:31her
01:40mom my ac's broken i'm melting up here her end is all rattling carts and store announcements
01:47i know i know i'm at the store back soon have your brother look at it he's coming home for
01:52lunch
01:52anyway your brother those two words set me off but my brain won't listen it pulls him up before
02:04i can stop it he does hvac fixes ac lines and pipes all day always slick with sweat last week
02:12in the
02:12kitchen head tipped back chugging ice water his throat working with every swallow a drop running down
02:20his jaw to his collar pine the muscle in his forearm bunching tight as he cranked a valve i press
02:27my
02:27thighs together and hate myself the second i do i hate him i really do so what the hell is
02:36this
02:37downstairs the front door clicks open the stairs groan step by step under someone much heavier than me
02:45that's when i remember what i'm wearing i lunge for the shorts on my chair too late the door
02:52swings open samir work pants gray tank soaked through and clean every line of his chest and stomach
03:00right there toolbox in hand the hair at his forehead damp in strands i should look away
03:07i don't my eyes drag down on their own his slick chest his tensed forearms and finally see something
03:16you like his voice comes out rough the corner of his mouth tipping up caught heat shoots all the way
03:23to
03:23my ears i ripped the blanket up over myself who who's looking at you don't flatter yourself he doesn't look
03:31away the smirk only deepens his throat moves once the ac he steps in drops the toolbox and looks down
03:40at me curled up small where is it over there i jerk my chin at the unit in the corner
03:49and pull the blanket
03:50tighter he doesn't move right away first those heavy eyes drag over me then he comes
03:58the unit sits high on the wall above my headboard my bed right under it the room's small and a
04:04man
04:04his size only makes it smaller
04:09he takes one look and frowns get down why should i dig my heels in though it sounds hollow the
04:16moment
04:16it's out two years and this is all i know how to do with him bristle jab push back
04:24mom remarried he and kevin moved in and the house stopped being just hers and mine
04:31i came home for the summer wanting some quiet and now i share even my breathing room with this stranger
04:39i can dodge him for an afternoon not for the long line of summers after
04:43he doesn't argue one knee on the edge of the bed and he stretches up toward the unit
04:50i shrink into the corner but the bed's only so big as he leans the soaked gray tank brushes my
04:56shin
04:57heat sweat that sun warmed smell of him all of it crashing over me at once his arm works a
05:03screw
05:03overhead the muscle bunching and releasing inches from my face i hold my breath i don't dare move no
05:09one's downstairs mom's still at the store the whole house is quiet just my sun-baked bedroom door shut
05:15sealed off from the rest of the world the thought sends a hotter prickle up my back up here door
05:21closed whatever happens no one below would know move over he says low his elbow pressing toward me
05:28there's nowhere to go his hip is against my drawn up knees i'm wedged between him and the wall half
05:34of me pressed to his side
05:38i told you i can't get away from you he says glancing down his throat moving goes both ways
05:46he turns it a few times swears says the wiring's fried the whole thing has to come apart the minutes
05:52crawl the room's hot enough to swim in the two of us crammed into this scrap of space neither one
05:57talking my backs to the wall half of me against his sweat damp side the sweat glues us together skin
06:03to
06:03skin impossible to peel apart i should be disgusted i'm not i can feel the muscle in his side tighten
06:10with
06:10every turn of the screw that strength soaking through a thin film of sweat into my skin sinking
06:15low in my belly a picture rises before i can stop it if that hand weren't reaching for a screw
06:20overhead
06:21but sliding down my waist instead i kill the thought my face burns i hate him i think of the
06:27wedding day
06:28him standing there cold not even a hello two years ago i swore i'd never go soft for this man
06:33not once
06:34and right now my thighs are clamping together on their own the wet heat there is impossible to hide
06:41slick sticky mortifying it's the weather i lie to myself that's all just the heat irritated i try to
06:49shift to find room to breathe my knee moves and by accident grazes the inside of his thigh his hands
06:57stop the whole room goes still back up his voice drops to gravel it travels straight down my ear into
07:03my
07:03spine you'd better not move i don't listen my heart slamming and something hotter than hate eggs me on
07:10i push out again elbow digging into his side on purpose the next second his free hand clamps down
07:15on my waist a hand big enough to span half of it too strong to fight and it hauls me
07:20back against him
07:20my gasp jams in my throat my back hits his scalding sweat damp chest his heartbeat through two thin layers
07:27of cotton slams into my spine once again
07:34what are you doing i keep my voice down and claw at the arm locked across my waist
07:39it's cast iron it doesn't give i should break free drive an elbow into him call him a creep bolt
07:45downstairs but my body betrays me it sinks into him fitting against every scalding inch of him
07:52i can feel his breathing turn rough his chest rising and falling at my back
07:58he grunts my elbow jabbing his stomach and in the scramble quit it i won't give in and i'm even
08:05more
08:05scared he sees through me so i open my mouth for another jab nothing comes out his free hand lifts
08:11and closes around the front of my throat not hard but sure steady tipping the back of my head into
08:18the
08:18hollow of his shoulder every drop of blood in me runs cold then floods back scalding
08:25two years of fighting of cutting each other to the bone and he never once touched me but now his
08:32palm cradles my throat his thumb on the pulse going wild there and i'm not afraid being held completely in
08:40his hand helpless in his grip it turns me to water i'm in the same hell you are his mouth
08:47is at
08:48my ear his breath hot and horsey each word brended in but you are going to hold still
08:55his breath fans against the side of my face no more squirming no more little whimpers making it worse
09:01the hand on my throat tightens a fraction you hear me i try to nod only then does he ease
09:07off
09:07i guilt for air my heart wild enough to leap out of my chest
09:13for a long stretch i stay curled against him not daring to move his arm stays locked around my waist
09:18never once loosening and his thumb against the damp curve of my side moves slow up then down up then
09:24down every drag of it sends a current sliding down to the small of my back i clamp my thighs
09:29tighter and
09:30it only makes the want sharper i want more the thought scares me that's when downstairs the front
09:37door clicks open
09:43no no he didn't i call down forcing my voice into its usual annoyance
09:48he's probably off slacking somewhere again a beat of quiet below let me come up and look at it you
09:53can't
09:54sit in this heat the staircase creaks taking mom's weight one step my blood goes to ice i claw at
10:01his
10:01arm let go she's coming up let go of me he doesn't worse the hand that's been resting at my
10:10waist
10:11slides painfully slow down the line of my hip over my stomach over the dip of my hip bone lower
10:16still
10:17until it settles squarely over me through the thin fabric already soaked with sweat and something else
10:21my whole body bows tight a sharp high sound rushes up my throat i bite down on my lip and
10:26swallow it
10:26second stare creak he bends his head nose against my scalding ear and through the soaked fabric his
10:32palm grinds down on me not soft not hard once soaked like this and still lying that no one came
10:41up
10:41he breathes low and filthy smear it comes out a plea my voice in pieces please my mom
10:50his thumb presses again dragging a winner out of me before i can swallow it the hand doesn't move
10:54from where it is scared now third step mom's voice is closer
11:00he looks down at me held completely in his hand every breath a luxury now his eyes lit with something
11:07that makes me dizzy he leans to my ear word by word so how about you let your mom see
11:14exactly what you
11:15look like right now
11:26becca why is this locked from the inside
11:32his palm is still on me grinding in that slow punishing way that has me shaking all over
11:36his breath brushes my ear answer her i i'm changing i call out my voice in pieces
11:45it's too hot i'm not dressed don't come in mom god this heat hurry up then come down and eat
11:51i got
11:52sandwiches and cold pasta salad step by step the stairs let her go soon there's the rustle of
11:58plastic bags the fridge opening and closing the threat ebbs i slump back against him ringed out
12:05gulping air furious and humiliated my eyes burning you're insane you actually would have he doesn't
12:10answer and he doesn't do what i expect doesn't let go and retreat behind the wall we've spent two
12:15years building he just holds me chin on my shoulder silent for a long time long enough that i can
12:21hear the fridge humming downstairs then he says it low without a trace of his usual sneer i don't
12:27want to let go i go rigid i twist around to look at him two years and i know every
12:36cruel thing he's
12:37ever said to me this wasn't a joke not even close
12:44we stay frozen like that downstairs mom's putting groceries away humming something tuneless
12:50the ac's still dead the heat lying thick on my skin but the heat running through me stopped being
12:56the weather a while ago i've been locked against him too long wound too tight now my lower back and
13:03the tops of my thighs start to cramp a deep dragging ache like the heaviness before my period i shift
13:09in
13:09small movements trying to work it loose don't move he says low but it's not his usual impatience
13:16it's horsey careful something i've never heard from him i shift again can't help it a small noun escapes
13:27both his thumbs have come to rest on the outsides of my thighs kneading slow back and forth the touch
13:33lifts every hair on me but the ache is worse i bite my lip and admit it my lower back
13:40and where my legs
13:41me tense too long it aches i want to stretch but you're pinning me i can't move
13:49his hands pause on my legs bring your knees
13:55his voice drops lower up onto the bed
14:01i twist around to glare at him red-faced and lost neil neil how he pats the narrow space along
14:09his thighs
14:10feet here then taps the mattress in front of me knees here when it hits me what he's asking my
14:17face
14:17goes up in flames but the ache is unbearable and somehow i do it his hands settle on my hips
14:22and
14:22guide me forward easing my feet up one at a time knees spreading by the time i catch up i'm
14:27straddling
14:27his lap with my back to him a position so shameful my toes curl lean back he draws me against
14:34his chest
14:36head back on my shoulder my throat's dry and i obey without knowing why the back of my head finds
14:41the
14:42hollow of his shoulder my whole spine rising and falling against his scalding sweat damp chest his
14:47hands lock on my hips and slowly he bears down lifting my lower body arching it back into a deep
14:52bow
14:52inch by inch my whole torso pulls open the ache i've held for so long lets go all at once
14:57so good my eyes well up a long moan slips out before i can stop it
15:06he curses low behind my ear his nose bearing into the side of my neck dragging once hard his
15:12breathing goes racket his hands press in harder deepening the arch once twice open release each
15:18one melts the ache into something else burning up from the base of my spine
15:24we hold it for almost a minute before the arms carrying me start to shake
15:29i'm smaller than him but i'm no slip of a girl holding me up in midair like this would wear
15:35anyone
15:36down i'm better now a lie my face burns he grunts and lowers me back onto his lap but his
15:43hands don't
15:44leave my hips i know exactly what it means still straddling him back turned and for some reason
15:49neither of us moves to fix it two years of fighting and this is the longest we've ever sat together
15:54without
15:55tearing each other apart that alone unsettles me thanks i say it at last barely a whisper he hums
16:03the stubble on his jaw drags across my cheek with it and a fine melting tingle races up my spine
16:08i know i have to push it down pretend i didn't feel it downstairs mom's still busy in the kitchen
16:15humming off key his long fingers in time with every breath i take slowly tighten on my hips
16:22the heavy ache starts pulsing back i can't help squirming still hurts
16:30sorry he hesitates then his hands come slowly around from my sides to the front of me drop your
16:36back down the rasp in his voice impossible to hide now lift your hips a little
16:44he pushes my tank up and slides both hands into my shorts his squirting thumbs find the two aching
16:50knots at the base of my spine and press in steady grinding down in slow circles my lips tremble i
16:57suck
16:57in a breath and a moan i can't hold pills out his thumbs circle leaning in harder grinding the stiff
17:02ache loose inch by inch i clamp down on my tongue downstairs the tap is running mom washing the produce
17:07please
17:08god she heard nothing he stills for a few seconds then he knees deeper faster his hands spreading wider
17:14outward downward my hips move with his rhythm on their own his thumbs are too close enough to turn
17:19me to water in that place with every circle of his hands betrays me getting hotter and hotter samir
17:26his name comes out wrecked soft and clinging pleasure spreads in waves from where his fingers press
17:32melting every ache out of me i bite my lips between my teeth and strangle the next moan in my
17:37throat
17:37terrified they'll hear downstairs below the water surges louder and mom calls up just a few more minutes
17:45drowning out every sound i don't dare make and under that cover his hands the slides one inch lower
17:53his breathing changes too especially the moment he buries his face in the curve of my neck lips against
17:58my skin every hair on my nace stands up my whole spine shivers with that melting tingle
18:02then suddenly he pulls his hands out of my shorts a small lost whimper leaks out of me before i
18:06can
18:06stop it the next second i want to disappear into the floor oh god he was just being decent for
18:11once
18:11working out a cramp and there i was panting and windering under his hands making those sounds
18:17i must have scared him off the silence stretches my heart still pounding over his hands over the mouth
18:25he'd press to my neck i get ready to pull away ready to say something ugly and that's when samir's
18:31fingers hook the edge of my shorts and tug one inch down his warm mouth grazes my ear good girl
18:39he
18:39breathes low and rough lift your hips for me again good girl lift your hips for me again the words
18:48land
18:49somewhere deep inside me i squeeze my eyes shut trying to quiet my racing heart and instead i just obey
18:56lifting my hips shaking downstairs mom's voice suddenly rises
19:02step up it's all set out come eat before you go back up it hits like a bucket of ice
19:09water over my
19:09head samir goes rigid and i snap awake what am i doing my mom just got home she's right downstairs
19:17and
19:17here i am in my own room straddling my stepbrother lifting my hips because he told me to shame torches
19:23through me i shove his hands off scramble off his lap yank my shorts up not daring to look back
19:28i i'm i'm going down becca he says behind me i don't stop but just before i pull the door
19:33open
19:34i look back at him after all he's on the wrecked bed chest heaving hair soaked eyes burning into me
19:39not a trace of the usual sneer just something scorching cut off mid-breath i flee straight down the stairs
19:49i don't taste a single bite of that lunch across from me mom rattles on the store had a sale
19:56the
19:57neighbor's news why is your brother so quiet today i murmur back my whole heart still stuck in that
20:03burning room upstairs samir sits at the other end eating with his head down silent but i can feel it
20:10every time mom looks away his eyes land on me heavy hot enough that i can barely hold my fork
20:18oh i have to go help your aunt move some things this afternoon she's swamped becca you rest at home
20:22okay samir you're home this afternoon if the ac's still not fixed call someone don't let your sister
20:29roast my grip on the fork jumps afternoon house just the two of us my head snaps up right into
20:36his eyes
20:37looking at me past my mother he says nothing just the faintest tip of his mouth aimed at me
20:42and the string in me that just snapped pulls tight again humming
20:48the second mom's out the door the house goes so quiet there's nothing left but my own heartbeat
20:56i shut myself in my room back to the door telling myself i'm going nowhere and opening for no one
21:03this morning's madness never happened i hate him i have to remember i hate him but my body won't obey
21:11just remembering the heat of his palm that good girl and my legs start to give again
21:16the stairs crack step by step taking the weight i can't escape the footsteps stop outside my door
21:24open up his voice comes through the wood low rough leaving no room to refuse
21:31no i brace against the door but my voice is laughably thin go away i hate you
21:39a beat of silence outside
21:43becca his voice drops to almost nothing each word like it's spoken against my ear
21:48the way you look this morning didn't look like hate my face goes up in flames my heart slamming till
21:55it
21:55aches i stare at my own hand on the lock watch it beyond my control slowly turn it open
22:08the instant the door gives he's through it
22:12i step back he steps in and in three strides he's backs me into the corner
22:18one hand braced on the wall by my head caging me between him and the plaster heat sweat that scent
22:26that's only his everywhere
22:31what you didn't finish saying this morning he bends down nose nearly to mine his breath
22:36scalding say it now say say what whether you hate me
22:41he cuts me off a certainty in his voice that lifts every hair on me look at me and say
22:48it
22:51i lift my eyes to his two years of resentment every i'm fine i ever fed my mother and this
22:57morning's
22:57surrender i die before admitting all of it jams in my throat the word comes out shaking apart
23:03i he waits eyes locked on me without a blink the hand on the wall corded with tension
23:07i close my eyes and let it go the truth i've held for two years and the last of my
23:12dignity with it
23:13i don't know i hear my own voice tremble i just know don't let go again his breath catches
23:20the next second he's kissing me pressing me into the wall
23:26that guy forgot my keys are they on the entry table we both freeze his mouth still on mine my
23:33fists still in his tank both of us breathing hard chest against rising chest one wall and one
23:40stare ace away my mother's ordinary afternoon voice knowing nothing it cracks through me like
23:46thunder jolting me out of the heat that was about to swallow me whole i shove him off frantically fixing
23:52my clothes and my breath my voice shaking as i call down they're they're on the entry table just grab
23:58them
23:58mom got him okay i'm off
24:04the whole house sinks back into scalding silence i lean against the wall legs too weak to hold me
24:10and look up at him he's looking back and what's churning in his eyes burns hotter than the 98 degree
24:16day neither of us says a word but we both know that near miss one wall away didn't put us
24:23out
24:24it lit something for good the summer's only just begun and this door of mine will never quite shut again
24:35that night at dinner i can barely sit still the ac finally got fixed that afternoon the four of us
24:41around the table mom on my left busy topping off everyone's plate kevin across from me head down over
24:46his food and samir right at my side on the surface everything's normal mom rattles on about the
24:51neighbors kevin grunts now and then some dull reevoid playing in the background i stare at my plate
24:56trying to look like i have at every meal for two years at war with the stepbrother beside me too
25:00disdainful to spare him a glance but under the tablecloth it's another world his hand has settled on
25:05my knee my fork stops in midair i try to brush him off without a flicker on my face he
25:10doesn't budge
25:10his palm is hot enough to feel through my dress slowly he slides it an inch up my thigh oh
25:17mom speaks up and i nearly come out of my chair is the ac all sorted did your brother do
25:23okay up
25:24there in that exact second his hand climbs another half inch stops high on my thigh and presses down
25:29with meaning like he knows precisely what he's doing to me i grip my fork and force my voice flat
25:34as dead
25:34water hmm it's fine passable passable samir's coughs beside me cold as if we're actually fighting not
25:43even turning his head still as ungrateful as ever above the table were still the step siblings who
25:48can't share a room beneath it his thumb grinds slow circles into the inside of my thigh through the
25:53dress i stab at something and shove it in my mouth without tasting it my face is burning i gulp
26:00water to
26:00put it out but my throat's bone dry i set down my fork my voice unsteady mom i'll go get
26:07something to
26:07drink i'm practically fleeing as i stand and as i turn for the kitchen i see it clearly samir in
26:16no
26:16hurry at all setting down his fork too a half wall counter separates the kitchen from the dining room
26:24back to the doorway i grip the counter shut my eyes and breathe deep trying to push down the
26:29heat in my face and the chaos in my chest behind me the floor gives the flattest creek before i
26:35can turn
26:36two hands brace the counter's edge caging me between him and the counter his chest against
26:41my back his chin on my shoulder his voice barely there breath brushing my ear running from what you're
26:48insane i grip the counter hardly daring to make a sound right there one ball away i know he laughs
26:56low the vibration traveling down my spine into me he touches nothing else just drags his nose painfully
27:02slow over the skin behind my ear so you'll have to hold it in same as under the table just
27:07now every
27:08drop of blood in me rushes to my face from the living room the tv the on and off murmur
27:13of mom and kevin
27:14drifts over clear as day close enough that one lifted head one turn my breath shakes
27:21he leans closer he leans closer pressing me into the cold counter's edge his voice full of knowing
27:27amusement shaking like this are you scared of getting caught he pauses we're scared i'll stop
27:37i can't answer because i don't have an answer to either from the dining room comes the scrape of a
27:44chair leg on the floor becca mom calls the drinks are on the bottom shelf of the fridge can't you
27:50find them we both go still found found them i blurred it squeezing out from between him and the
27:59counter yanking open the bottom shelf grabbing two sparkling waters at random only when the cold
28:05bottles hit my scalding palms do i get a sliver of my mind back
28:10samir steps back unhurried and pulls a beer from the fridge as if he weren't the one who just had
28:17me prin to the counter i carry the water back to the table my legs still unsteady but this time
28:25mom
28:25doesn't pick her chatter back up she sets down her forks and look between me and samir from my flushed
28:33face to the faint mark on the side of his neck i only now notices left there at some point
28:38i can't
28:38place you too she says slowly her tone impossible to read why aren't you fighting today the air locks
28:46kevin looks up too my heart pounds in my ears two years and we've never had a quiet meal at
28:51this table
28:52today's silence is the biggest tell of all fight about what samir says it first flat as if he's
28:57remarking on the weather can't be bothered with her exactly i jump in chin up packing every ounce
29:06of panic into the familiar jab like i'd want to talk to him mom watches us for a long time
29:15then she smiles and picks her fork back up good we're family no need to be at each other's throats
29:23all the time but the moment she looks down i catch kevin's eyes he says nothing just lingers a
29:29thoughtful second on that faint mark on his son's neck under the table samir's knee bumps mine very
29:35lightly as if to say careful and also this isn't over that night i can't sleep turning over and over
29:45not just from the unspent restlessness humming under my skin all night
29:49from mom's look at the table and kevin's one second pause two fine needles in the softest part of my
29:55chest i start thinking things i've never let myself think what if we get caught
30:06to marry kevin mom rebuilt her whole life from when i was 16 sold the old house moved to this
30:13strange
30:14city learned at 40 to be a newlywed again so carefully she tried to weld two families into one home
30:21and here i am planting a bomb under it in the most unforgivable way there is
30:27i hate samir that's what i've told myself and told my mother for two years now i finally see it
30:35that
30:36hate was laced with something else from the start i hated him barging in because i couldn't stop
30:44looking at him i went toe to toe with him because it was the only way i dared get close
30:50i dressed up my wanting as loathing and kept it up for two whole years until i nearly believed it
30:56myself
30:57in the hall the floor creaks
31:01my doorknob turns very lightly locked then a small folded note slides in under the door
31:12barefoot i slip off the bed pick it up unfold it in the moonlight
31:21samir's handwriting one line they're both out tomorrow all day i hold the note standing on the
31:28cold floor my heart nearly bursting through my chest outside not a breath of summer wind
31:35and i know perfectly clearly tomorrow i won't lock the door by early the next morning the house is
31:44empty mom and kevin head out with their bags to help my aunt move on the way mom pokes her
31:49head up
31:49the stairs sort out your own lunch there's food in the fridge then the garage door rumbles down and
31:55the engine fades then the whole house is quiet enough that all that's left is my own breathing
32:02i don't lock the door i lie on the bed staring at the ceiling and hear his door open downstairs
32:11footsteps step by step climbing slow stopping outside mine the knob turns it opens samir stands in the
32:20doorway backlit by the window and looks at me a long time neither of us speaks two years of friction
32:27last
32:28night's note the empty house silence all of it pressed into these few steps between us come here i hear
32:37myself say it soft but without a shred of hesitation
32:44he crosses to me sits on the end of the bed and tucks a damp strand of hair behind my
32:49ear
32:51a gesture too gentle to be his
32:54eyes i thought about it all night i look at him and finish the sentence i've hidden for two years
33:00i don't hate you i never really did
33:05his throat works he leans down forehead to mine our breaths tangling
33:11same
33:13his voice is almost too hosky to hear from the day you stood at that wedding at 16 and glared
33:20at me i was done
33:20for he kisses me
33:26this time there are no footsteps below no voice about to call us no threat waiting to puncture
33:32everything just a room full of summer light and two people who don't have to pretend anymore
33:38the camera holds outside the drawn curtains
33:43for the next few days we live inside a stolen scalding bubble
33:47by day the parents are at work and the house is ours but the sweeter it gets the tighter the
33:52string in me pulls
33:53because i know this bubble is borrowed and sooner or later it comes due
33:58the faint mark on samir's neck fades and a new one takes its place
34:02he keeps saying it's fine but i start checking his collar before every meal without thinking
34:06and checking my own face
34:10we relearn how to bicker at the table except now every jab is a code only the two of us
34:15can read
34:18the change starts on a saturday mom suddenly doesn't go in she sits on the living room couch
34:24watching samir and me come down the stairs one after the other something in her eyes i can't read
34:32becca she pats the seat beside her sit keep me company a minute
34:38samir's step hitches almost imperceptibly before he keeps going toward the kitchen i sit my heart's going wild
34:51lately mom takes my hand her voice light but every word a hundred pounds is something weighing on you
35:01half the blood drains out of me no i manage a smile what would i have on my mind mom
35:07looks at me a long
35:08time then lets out a soft sigh when you were 16 i moved us here and you hated me for
35:12a long time her
35:13eyes drift to the window i know for my own happiness i pulled you up by the roots from everything
35:18familiar dropped you into a strange house gave you a strange brother
35:26all these years i felt i owed you my throat tightens i can't speak i just want you to be
35:32happy becca
35:34she turns back her eyes shining really happy not the put on i'm fine you show me in that instant
35:42i almost tell her everything almost lay it all out two years of pretending these scalding few days the
35:48knot of joy and fear tangled in my chest but i look at that careful light in her eyes the
35:54light of a woman
35:54who gave everything for this family and i swallow the words
36:04i'm happy mom i hug her bury my face in her shoulder my voice shaking really
36:13at the foot of the stairs samir stair stands holding two glasses of water motionless
36:20he heard he heard all of it
36:30that night another note slides under my door
36:35this one is four words we need to talk
36:44we meet in the garage out back the one place in this house the parents won't think of and can't
36:51hear this can't keep going or it'll blow up samir leans against the workbench his voice heavy your
36:57face today your mom will see through it sooner or later so what do you want to do i cross
37:01my arms my
37:02voice sharp even as my heart drops i don't know for once he looks at a loss dragging a hand
37:11down his face
37:12i just know i don't want to keep you hidden turn you into some secret that can't see daylight
37:18you shouldn't have to be that i freeze but what can we do my voice trembles tell them becca and
37:25samir
37:25the step siblings are together picture my mom's face she welded two families into one home and it
37:31cost her everything one sentence from us and it all shatters the garage goes quiet only the light
37:38overhead buzzing what if he says suddenly looking at me his eyes frighteningly serious we weren't step
37:45siblings what do you mean
37:50in september i start the project out in tucson my own place my own life word by word i won't
37:57live in this house anymore we won't be siblings under one roof once the dust settles once you
38:05graduate too we can start over as something we don't have to hide i look at him my heart aching
38:11with each beat it's the first time i realize he isn't after this stolen summer he's after the after
38:22but some things don't wait for you to be ready
38:26it's a tuesday evening i think the house is empty and come out of the bathroom and nothing but a
38:32towel
38:33and there's samir waiting in the hall he backs me to the wall forehead to mine
38:38both of us grinning like kids who swiped candy
38:42neither of us hear kevin's car home early below or his footsteps on the stairs
38:55samir
38:56the instant his father's voice sounds from the end of the hall the whole world stops
39:01we spring apart too late
39:04kevin stands at the top of the stairs looking at his son half wrapped around me in a towel
39:09his son's hand still at my waist and his face freezes then breaks inch by inch
39:17what are you two doing no music to cover it
39:24no door to block it no excuse that holds this time we're truly seen
39:35that night is the longest of my life kevin calls mom home the four of us sit in the living
39:41room under
39:42a harsh white light mom's face goes from confusion to disbelief to something i'll never forget heartbreak
39:52how long mom i asked how long
40:00this summer samir speaks first stepping in front of me as if to shield me
40:08i started it blame me no i grab his hand my voice shaking but holding
40:17not just him us
40:20mom i know this is hard to take we're not blood but we became siblings inside your marriage to kevin
40:29i know how absurd that is how much it hurts
40:32mom covers her face her shoulders shaking hard kevin can't get out a single word just stares at the
40:39floor i spent two years pretending to hate him because i knew from the start it was wrong
40:45but mom i can't keep pretending in the living room all that's left is mom stifled crying in that moment
40:51i finally understand what a price is it isn't the thrill of getting caught it's watching the person
40:56you love most break because of you for the next two weeks the house is frozen over mom barely speaks
41:06to me not anger the harder kind of silence kevin moves into the study to sleep samir moves up his
41:16transfer to tucson and we agree until the dust settles neither of us crosses a single line
41:22it's the penance we set for ourselves i think this is how the family splits apart
41:30the bomb i planted with my own hands finally went off but one night going down for water i find
41:37mom
41:37alone in the kitchen two untouched cups of tea in front of her sit
41:45i sit and wait for the verdict when i was 19
41:51i fell for someone everyone said i shouldn't
41:55my mother your grandmother wouldn't speak to me for three years i thought i'd long forgotten that
42:01feeling knowing it in your heart and not being able to tell a soul i'm not giving you my blessing
42:06she looks at me exhaustion struggle and a small loosening i need time kevin needs more
42:15this may not be fixable and you should be ready for that
42:20but i won't force you to keep playing i'm fine anymore my tears come all at once it isn't forgiveness
42:28but it's a beginning
42:31in september samir moves out we don't say goodbye in secret in front of mom and kevin he loads the
42:38last box into the car then comes to me and under both their eyes says it plainly i'll wait for
42:45this
42:45family to take its time for you to graduate i won't rush it but i won't pretend none of this
42:50happened
42:50either kevin turns his face away and says nothing but he doesn't stop it mom stands on the porch arms
42:56around himself watching us after a long moment she gives the faint barely perceptible nod the car pulls
43:02away that stolen scalding summer is over but strangely i don't feel the emptiness i expected
43:08because this time his leaving isn't running isn't an ending it's the two of us choosing together the
43:14harder road we can walk in the open i turn to go in mom stops me at the door hesitates
43:21then reaches
43:22out to smooth the hair the wind has must the same gesture exactly as that morning two months ago
43:29except this time neither of us have to pretend anymore
43:34what follows is a long year samir in tucson me at school
43:41we keep it clean almost like we're meeting each other for the first time calls texts the occasional
43:48weekend at a cafe where no one knows us like two ordinary adults finally doing this right
43:55the ice at home melts slowly
44:00kevin gives first one thanksgiving at the table he asks for the first time unprompted
44:07how's samir doing and something starts to seep into mom's silence too she begins asking if i'm okay
44:15and when she asks her eyes are really on me not every story gets a clean tidy forgiveness our family
44:22welded its cracks back together inch by patient inch some places will always carry the scar
44:31but a scar is proof of healing too
44:37the next summer i graduate
44:44on graduation day mom and kevin are in the audience
44:49and beside them at a respectable distance samir
44:57there is someone who doesn't have to hide anymore
45:02that summer is brutally hot again i moved to tucson a small apartment a 10 minute walk from samir's place
45:09we don't live together mom said to take it slow and we both agreed
45:16on moving day the ac breaks i collapse among the boxes dizzy with heat and somehow think of that
45:24identical afternoon two years ago lying in a stifling room hating a man unable to stop pressing my thighs
45:32together i laugh out loud then i pick up my phone and text him my ac's broken over here
45:41minutes later familiar footsteps come up the stairs step by step
45:48the doors unlock he stands in the doorway toolbox in hand gray tank hair soaked at the forehead identical
45:57to the first glimpse of him that summer except this time he isn't the stranger who barged into my life
46:02and took my mother and he isn't the step brother i have to pretend to hate where is it broken
46:09i look at him the man i resisted with two years of pretending and then fought for with all the
46:13honesty i had after and the thing that caught fire in me that scalding summer burns now steady and sure
46:21come here i'll show you
46:23come here outside the window summer is just beginning and this time we have all the time in the world
46:33so
46:38you
46:39you
46:40you
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