- 34 minutes ago
The Heat After the AC Died
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:0898 degrees the AC in my room died this morning just gave out I hate this house the way it
00:18is
00:18now anyway I hate the day mom married Kevin and packed him and his quiet 30 another son into my
00:23life two years now every wrong thing under this roof started that day too hot to think
00:36I've kicked off my shorts a tank strap slipping off my shoulder and flopped back on the bed to call
00:44her
00:53mom my AC's broken I'm melting up here her end is all rattling carts and store announcements
01:00I know I know I'm at the store back soon have your brother look at it
01:10your brother those two words set me off but my brain won't listen it pulls him up before I can
01:18stop it he does HVAC fixes AC lines and pipes all day always slick with sweat last week in the
01:26kitchen head tipped back chugging ice water his throat working with every swallow a drop running
01:33down his jaw to his collar pine the muscle in his forearm bunching tight as he cranked a valve
01:39I press my thighs together and hate myself the second I do I hate him I really do so what
01:49the hell
01:49is this downstairs the front door clicks open the stairs grown step by step under someone much heavier
01:57than me that's when I remember what I'm wearing I lunge for the shorts on my chair too late the
02:05door
02:06swings open Samir work pants gray tank soaked through and clean every line of his chest and
02:13stomach right there toolbox in hand the hair at his forehead damp in strands I should look away
02:20I don't my eyes dragged down on their own his slick chest his tensed forearms and finally
02:29see something you like his voice comes out rough the corner of his mouth tipping up caught
02:34heat shoots all the way to my ears I ripped the blanket up over myself who who's looking at you
02:42don't flatter yourself he doesn't look away the smirk only deepens his throat moves once the AC
02:50he steps in drops the toolbox and looks down at me curled up small where is it
03:00over there I jerk my chin at the unit in the corner and pull the blanket tighter he doesn't
03:04move right away first those heavy eyes drag over me then he comes
03:11the unit sits high on the wall above my headboard my bed right under it the room's small and a
03:18man
03:18his size only makes it smaller he takes one look and frowns get down why should I dig my heels
03:28in
03:28though it sounds hollow the moment it's out two years and this is all I know how to do with
03:34him
03:34bristle jab pushback mom remarried he and Kevin moved in and the house stopped being just hers and mine
03:45I came home for the summer wanting some quiet and now I share even my breathing room with this stranger
03:52I can dodge him for an afternoon not for the long line of summers after
03:57he doesn't argue one knee on the edge of the bed and he stretches up toward the unit
04:03I shrink into the corner but the bed's only so big
04:06as he leans the soaked gray tank brushes my shin
04:10heat sweat that sun warmed smell of him all of it crashing over me at once
04:15his arm works a screw overhead the muscle bunching and releasing inches from my face
04:19I hold my breath I don't dare move
04:22no one's downstairs mom's still at the store the whole house is quiet
04:26just my sun-baked bedroom door shut sealed off from the rest of the world
04:30the thought sends a hotter prickle up my back
04:33up here door closed whatever happens no one below would know
04:38move over he says low his elbow pressing toward me
04:42there's nowhere to go his hip is against my drawn-up knees
04:45I'm wedged between him and the wall half of me pressed to his side
04:51I told you I can't get away from you he says glancing down his throat moving
04:56goes both ways
04:59he turns it a few times swears says the wiring's fried the whole thing has to come apart the minutes
05:06crawl the room's hot enough to swim in the two of us crammed into this scrap of space neither one
05:10talking my backs to the wall half of me against his sweat damp side the sweat glues us together
05:16skin to skin impossible to peel apart I should be disgusted I'm not I can feel the muscle in his
05:22side tighten with every turn of the screw that strength soaking through a thin film of sweat into
05:28my skin sinking low in my belly a picture rises before I can stop it if that hand weren't reaching
05:33for a screw overhead but sliding down my waist instead I kill the thought my face burns I hate
05:39him I think of the wedding day him standing there cold not even a hello two years ago I swore
05:45I'd never
05:46go soft for this man not once and right now my thighs are clamping together on their own the wet
05:52heat there is impossible to hide slick sticky mortifying it's the weather I lie to myself that's
05:59all just the heat irritated I try to shift to find room to breathe my knee moves and by accident
06:07grazes the inside of his thigh his hands stop the whole room goes still back up his voice drops to
06:14gravel it travels straight down my ear into my spine you'd better not move I don't listen my heart
06:21slamming and something hotter than hate eggs me on I push out again elbow digging into his side on
06:26purpose the next second his free hand clamps down on my waist a hand big enough to span half of
06:31it too
06:31strong to fight and it hauls me back against him my gasp jams in my throat my back hits his
06:37scalding
06:37sweat damp chest his heartbeat through two thin layers of cotton slams into my spine once again
06:47what are you doing I keep my voice down and claw at the arm locked across my waist it's cast
06:53iron it
06:54doesn't give I should break free drive an elbow into him call him a creep bolt downstairs but my body
07:01betrays me it sinks into him fitting against every scalding inch of him I can feel his breathing turn
07:07rough his chest rising and falling at my back he grunts my elbow jabbing his stomach and in the
07:14scramble quit it I won't give in and I'm even more scared he sees through me so I open my
07:21mouth for
07:21another jab nothing comes out his free hand lifts and closes around the front of my throat not hard
07:27but sure steady tipping the back of my head into the hollow of the shoulder every drop of blood in
07:34me runs
07:34cold then floods back scalding two years of fighting of cutting each other to the bone and
07:43he never once touched me but now his palm cradles my throat his thumb on the pulse going wild there
07:50and I'm not afraid being held completely in his hand helpless in his grip it turns me to water
07:59I'm in the same hell you are his mouth is at my ear his breath hot and horsey each word
08:04brended in
08:05but you are going to hold still his breath fans against the side of my face no more squirming no
08:13more little whimpers making it worse the hand on my throat tightens a fraction you hear me I try to
08:18nod only then does he ease off I guilt for air my heart wild enough to leap out of my
08:24chest
08:26for a long stretch I stay curled against him not daring to move his arm stays locked around my
08:31waist never once loosening and his thumb against the damp curve of my side moves slow up then down
08:37up then down every drag of it sends a current sliding down to the small of my back I clamp
08:42my
08:42thighs tighter and it only makes the want sharper I want more the thought scares me that's when
08:49downstairs the front door clicks open no no he didn't I call down forcing my voice into its
09:01usual annoyance he's probably off slacking somewhere again a beat of quiet below let me come up and look
09:06at it you can't sit in this heat the staircase creaks taking mom's weight one step my blood goes to
09:13ice
09:13I claw at his arm let go she's coming up let go of me he doesn't worse the hand that's
09:23been resting at
09:24my waist slides painfully slow down the line of my hip over my stomach over the dip of my hip
09:29bone
09:29lower still until it settles squarely over me through the thin fabric already soaked with sweat and
09:34something else my whole body bows tight a sharp high sound rushes up my throat I bite down on my
09:39lip and
09:39swallow it second stare creak he bends his head nose against my scalding ear and through the soaked
09:45fabric his palm grinds down on me not soft not hard once soaked like this and still lying that no
09:54one
09:54came up he breathes low and filthy smear it comes out a plea my voice in pieces please my mom
10:03his thumb
10:04presses again dragging a winner out of me before I can swallow it the hand doesn't move from where it
10:08is
10:08scared now third step mom's voice is closer he looks down at me held completely in his hand
10:17every breath a luxury now his eyes lit with something that makes me dizzy he leans to my ear word
10:23by word
10:24so how about you let your mom see exactly what you look like right now
10:39Becca why is this locked from the inside his palm is still on me grinding in that slow
10:48punishing way that has me shaking all over his breath brushes my ear answer her
10:54I'm changing I call out my voice in pieces it's too hot I'm not dressed don't come in mom
11:01god this heat hurry up then come down and eat I got sandwiches and cold pasta salad
11:08step by step the stairs let her go soon there's the rustle of plastic bags the fridge opening and
11:14closing the threat ebbs I slump back against him ringed out gulping air furious and humiliated my
11:20eyes burning you're insane you actually would have he doesn't answer and he doesn't do what I expect
11:26doesn't let go and retreat behind the wall we've spent two years building he just holds me chin on
11:31my shoulder silent for a long time long enough that I can hear the fridge humming downstairs
11:36then he says it low without a trace of his usual sneer I don't want to let go
11:43I go rigid I twist around to look at him two years and I know every cool thing he's ever
11:51said to me
11:51this wasn't a joke not even close
11:57we stay frozen like that downstairs mom's putting groceries away humming something tuneless
12:03the ac's still dead the heat lying thick on my skin
12:07but the heat running through me stopped being the weather a while ago
12:12I've been locked against him too long wound too tight now my lower back and the tops of my thighs
12:17start to cramp a deep dragging ache like the heaviness before my period I shift in small movements
12:23trying to work it loose don't move he says low but it's not his usual impatience
12:30it's horsey careful something I've never heard from him I shift again can't help it a small noun escapes
12:41both his thumbs have come to rest on the outsides of my thighs
12:44kneading slow back and forth the touch lifts every hair on me but the ache is worse
12:49I bite my lip and admit it
12:52my lower back and where my legs meet tense too long it aches
12:57I want to stretch but you're pinning me I can't move
13:03his hands pause on my legs
13:06bring your knees
13:08his voice drops lower
13:10up onto the bed
13:15I twist around to glare at him red-faced and lost
13:18Neil?
13:20Neil, how?
13:21he pats the narrow space along his thighs
13:23feet here
13:25then taps the mattress in front of me
13:28knees here
13:29when it hits me what he's asking my face goes up in flames
13:31but the ache is unbearable and somehow I do it
13:34his hands settle on my hips and guide me forward
13:36easing my feet up one at a time knees spreading
13:39by the time I catch up I'm straddling his lap with my back to him
13:42a position so shameful my toes curl
13:44lean back
13:46he draws me against his chest
13:48head
13:50back on my shoulder
13:51my throat's dry and I obey without knowing why
13:53the back of my head finds the hollow of his shoulder
13:56my whole spine rising and falling against his scalding sweat damp chest
14:00his hands lock on my hips and slowly he bears down lifting my lower body
14:04arching it back into a deep bow
14:05inch by inch my whole torso pulls open
14:08the ache I've held for so long lets go all at once
14:11so good my eyes well up
14:12a long moan slips out before I can stop it
14:20he curses low behind my ear
14:22his nose bearing into the side of my neck
14:24dragging once
14:24hard
14:25his breathing goes racked
14:27his hands press in harder
14:28deepening the arch
14:29once
14:30twice
14:30open
14:31release
14:31each one melts the ache into something else
14:33burning up from the base of my spine
14:37we hold it for almost a minute before the arms carrying me start to shake
14:42i'm smaller than him
14:44but i'm no slip of a girl
14:46holding me up in midair like this would wear anyone down
14:50i'm better now
14:52a lie
14:52my face burns
14:53he grunts and lowers me back onto his lap
14:56but his hands don't leave my hips
14:58i know exactly what it means
15:00still straddling him back turned
15:01and for some reason neither of us moves to fix it
15:04two years of fighting
15:06and this is the longest we've ever sat together without tearing each other apart
15:09that alone unsettles me
15:11thanks
15:12i say it at last
15:13barely a whisper
15:14he hums
15:16the stubble on his jaw drags across my cheek with it
15:19and a fine melting tingle races up my spine
15:22i know i have to push it down
15:23pretend i didn't feel it
15:26downstairs mom's still busy in the kitchen humming off key
15:29his long fingers
15:31in time with every breath i take
15:33slowly tighten on my hips
15:35the heavy ache starts pulsing back
15:37i can't help squirming
15:39still hurts
15:43sorry
15:44he hesitates
15:45then his hands come slowly around from my sides to the front of me
15:49drop your back down
15:52the rasp in his voice impossible to hide now
15:54lift your hips a little
15:58he pushes my tank up and slides both hands into my shorts
16:01his squirting thumbs find the two aching knots at the base of my spine and press in
16:06steady
16:06grinding down in slow circles
16:08my lips tremble
16:09i suck in a breath
16:11and a moan i can't hold pills out
16:12his thumbs circle
16:14leaning in harder
16:14grinding the stiff ache loose
16:16inch by inch
16:17i clamp down on my tongue
16:18downstairs the tap is running
16:19mom washing the produce
16:21please god she heard nothing
16:22he stills for a few seconds
16:24then he knees deeper
16:26faster
16:26his hands spreading wider
16:27outward
16:28downward
16:28my hips move with his rhythm on their own
16:31his thumbs are too close enough to turn me to water
16:33in that place
16:34with every circle of his hands
16:35betrays me getting hotter and hotter
16:37samir
16:40his name comes out wrecked
16:41soft and clinging
16:43pleasure spreads in waves from where his fingers press
16:45melting every ache out of me
16:47i bite my lips between my teeth and strangle the next moan in my throat
16:51terrified they'll hear downstairs
16:52below
16:53the water surges louder
16:55and mom calls up
16:57just a few more minutes
16:58drowning out every sound i don't dare make
17:01and under that cover
17:02his hands the slides one inch lower
17:06his breathing changes too
17:08especially the moment he buries his face in the curve of my neck lips against my skin
17:12every hair on my nace stands up
17:13my whole spine shivers with that melting tingle
17:15then suddenly he pulls his hands out of my shorts
17:17a small lost whimper leaks out of me before i can stop it
17:20the next second i want to disappear into the floor
17:22oh god
17:22he was just being decent for once
17:25working out a cramp
17:26and there i was
17:27panting and windering under his hands
17:30making those sounds
17:31i must have scared him off
17:33this silence stretches
17:34my heart still pounding
17:36over his hands
17:37over the mouth he'd press to my neck
17:40i get ready to pull away
17:41ready to say something ugly
17:43and that's when samir's fingers
17:45hook the edge of my shorts
17:47and tug
17:47one inch down
17:48his warm mouth grazes my ear
17:51good girl
17:52he breathes
17:53low and rough
17:54lift your hips for me again
17:58good girl
17:59lift your hips for me again
18:01the words land somewhere deep inside me
18:03i squeeze my eyes shut
18:05trying to quiet my racing heart
18:08and instead i just obey
18:10lifting my hips
18:11shaking
18:13downstairs mom's voice suddenly rises
18:20it hits like a bucket of ice water over my head
18:24samir goes rigid
18:25and i snap awake
18:27what am i doing
18:28my mom just got home
18:30she's right downstairs
18:30and here i am in my own room
18:32straddling my stepbrother
18:33lifting my hips because he told me to
18:35shame torches through me
18:37i shove his hands off
18:38scramble off his lap
18:39yank my shorts up
18:40not daring to look back
18:41i'm going down
18:43becca
18:43he says behind me
18:44i don't stop
18:45but just before i pull the door open
18:47i look back at him after all
18:49he's on the wrecked bed
18:50chest heaving
18:51hair soaked
18:51eyes burning into me
18:53not a trace of the usual sneer
18:54just something scorching
18:56cut off mid-breath
18:57i flee
18:59straight down the stairs
19:03i don't taste a single bite of that lunch
19:06across from me mom rattles on
19:08the store had a sale
19:10the neighbor's news
19:11why is your brother so quiet today
19:13i murmur back
19:14my whole heart still stuck in that burning room upstairs
19:18samir sits at the other end
19:20eating with his head down
19:21silent
19:22but i can feel it
19:24every time mom looks away
19:25his eyes land on me
19:27heavy
19:28hot enough that i can barely hold my fork
19:31oh
19:31i have to go help your aunt move some things this afternoon
19:34she's swamped
19:35becca you rest at home okay
19:37samir
19:37you're home this afternoon
19:39if the ac's still not fixed
19:41call someone
19:41don't let your sister roast
19:44my grip on the fork jumps
19:45afternoon
19:46house
19:47just the two of us
19:48my head snaps up
19:49right into his eyes
19:50looking at me past my mother
19:51he says nothing
19:52just the faintest tip of his mouth
19:54aimed at me
19:55and the string in me that just snapped pulls tight again
19:58humming
20:01the second mom's out the door
20:03the house goes so quiet
20:05there's nothing left but my own heartbeat
20:09i shut myself in my room back to the door
20:12telling myself i'm going nowhere and opening for no one
20:16this morning's madness never happened
20:18i hate him
20:19i have to remember i hate him
20:21but my body won't obey
20:24just remembering the heat of his palm
20:26that good girl and my legs start to give again
20:29the stairs crack
20:31step by step
20:32taking the weight i can't escape
20:34the footsteps stop outside my door
20:37open up
20:38his voice comes through the wood
20:40low
20:41rough
20:42leaving no room to refuse
20:44no
20:45i brace against the door
20:46but my voice is laughably thin
20:48go away
20:50i hate you
20:52a beat of silence outside
20:56becca
20:57his voice drops to almost nothing
20:59each word like it's spoken against my ear
21:01the way you looked this morning
21:04didn't look like hate
21:05my face goes up in flames
21:07my heart slamming till it aches
21:09i stare at my own hand on the lock
21:12watch it
21:14beyond my control
21:17slowly turn it open
21:21the instant the door gives
21:23he's through it
21:25i step back
21:27he steps in
21:28and in three strides
21:29he's backs me into the corner
21:31one hand braced on the wall by my head
21:34caging me between him and the plaster
21:37heat
21:37sweat
21:38that scent that's only his
21:40everywhere
21:44what you didn't finish saying this morning
21:46he bends down
21:47nose nearly to mine
21:49his breath scalding
21:50say it now
21:51say
21:52say what
21:53whether you hate me
21:55he cuts me off
21:56a certainty in his voice that lifts every hair on me
22:00look at me
22:01and say it
22:04i lift my eyes to his
22:06two years of resentment
22:07every i'm fine i ever fed my mother
22:10and this morning's surrender i'd die before admitting
22:12all of it jams in my throat
22:14the word comes out shaking apart
22:16i
22:17he waits
22:17eyes locked on me without a blink
22:19the hand on the wall corded with tension
22:21i close my eyes and let it go
22:23the truth i've held for two years
22:25and the last of my dignity with it
22:26i don't know
22:27i hear my own voice tremble
22:29i just know
22:30don't let go again
22:31his breath catches
22:33the next second he's kissing me
22:35pressing me into the wall
22:40that guy you got my keys
22:41are they on the entry table
22:42we both freeze
22:44his mouth still on mine
22:46my fist still in his tank
22:48both of us breathing hard
22:49chest against rising chest
22:52one wall and one stare ace away
22:54my mother's ordinary afternoon voice
22:57knowing nothing
22:57it cracks through me like thunder
23:00jolting me out of the heat
23:01that was about to swallow me whole
23:03i shove him off
23:05frantically fixing my clothes and my breath
23:07my voice shaking as i call down
23:09they're they're on the entry table
23:11just grab them mom
23:13got them
23:14okay i'm off
23:17the whole house sinks back
23:19into scalding silence
23:21i lean against the wall
23:22legs too weak to hold me
23:24and look up at him
23:25he's looking back
23:26and what's churning in his eyes
23:28burns hotter than the 98 degree day
23:30neither of us says a word
23:32but we both know
23:33that near miss
23:34one wall away
23:36didn't put us out
23:37it lit something for good
23:39the summer's only just begun
23:42and this door of mine
23:44will never quite shut again
23:48that night at dinner
23:49i can barely sit still
23:51the ac finally got fixed that afternoon
23:53the four of us around the table
23:55mom on my left
23:56busy topping off everyone's plate
23:57kevin across from me
23:59head down over his food
24:00and samir right at my side
24:02on the surface everything's normal
24:03mom rattles on about the neighbors
24:05kevin grunts now and then
24:06some dull revoid playing in the background
24:08i stare at my plate
24:09trying to look like i have
24:11at every meal for two years
24:12at war with the stepbrother beside me
24:14too disdainful to spare him a glance
24:15but under the tablecloth
24:17it's another world
24:17his hand has settled on my knee
24:19my fork stops in midair
24:20i try to brush him off
24:21without a flicker on my face
24:23he doesn't budge
24:24his palm is hot enough
24:25to feel through my dress
24:27slowly
24:28he slides it an inch up my thigh
24:30oh
24:31mom speaks up
24:32and i nearly come out of my chair
24:34is the ac all sorted
24:35did your brother do okay up there
24:37in that exact second
24:38his hand climbs another half inch
24:40stops high on my thigh
24:41and presses down with meaning
24:43like he knows precisely
24:44what he's doing to me
24:46i grip my fork
24:46and force my voice flat as dead water
24:48hmm
24:49it's fine
24:50passable
24:52passable
24:53samir's coughs beside me
24:54cold as if we're actually fighting
24:56not even turning his head
24:57still as ungrateful as ever
24:59above the table
25:00we're still the step siblings
25:01who can't share a room
25:02beneath it
25:02his thumb grinds slow circles
25:05into the inside of my thigh
25:06through the dress
25:07i stab at something
25:08and shove it in my mouth
25:09without tasting it
25:10my face is burning
25:12i gulp water to put it out
25:14but my throat's bone dry
25:15i set down my fork
25:17my voice unsteady
25:18mom
25:19i'll
25:20go get something to drink
25:21i'm practically fleeing
25:23as i stand
25:24and as i turn for the kitchen
25:26i see it clearly
25:28samir
25:29in no hurry at all
25:30setting down his fork too
26:00a half wall counter
26:02you're insane
26:02i grip the counter
26:04hardly daring to make a sound
26:05you're right there
26:07one wall away
26:08i know
26:09he laughs low
26:10the vibration traveling down my spine into me
26:12he touches nothing else
26:14just drags his nose painfully slow over the skin behind my ear
26:17so you'll have to hold it in
26:19same as under the table just now
26:21every drop of blood in me rushes to my face
26:24from the living room
26:25the tv
26:25the on and off murmur of mom and kevin
26:28drifts over clear as day
26:29close enough that one lifted head
26:31one turn
26:33my breath shakes
26:34samir
26:35he leans closer
26:37pressing me into the cold counter's edge
26:39his voice full of knowing amusement
26:43shaking like this
26:44are you scared of getting caught
26:47he pauses
26:48we're scared i'll stop
26:51i can't answer
26:53because i don't have an answer to either
26:55from the dining room comes the scrape of a chair leg on the floor
27:00mom calls
27:01the drinks are on the bottom shelf of the fridge
27:03can't you find them
27:05we both go still
27:08found found them
27:09i blurt it
27:10squeezing out from between him and the counter
27:12yanking open the bottom shelf
27:14grabbing two sparkling waters at random
27:17only when the cold bottles hit my scalding palms
27:20do i get a sliver of my mind back
27:24samir steps back
27:26unhurried
27:26and pulls a beer from the fridge
27:28as if he weren't the one who just had me
27:30prin to the counter
27:33i carry the water back to the table
27:35my legs still unsteady
27:37but this time
27:38mom doesn't pick her chatter back up
27:42she sets down her forks
27:43and look between me and samir
27:46from my flushed face
27:47to the faint mark on the side of his neck
27:49i only now notices
27:50left there at some point
27:51i can't place
27:52you too
27:53she says slowly
27:54her tone impossible to read
27:56why aren't you fighting today
27:58the air locks
27:59kevin looks up too
28:01my heart pounds in my ears
28:03two years and we've never had a quiet meal at this table
28:05today's silence is the biggest tell of all
28:07fight about what
28:08samir says it first
28:10flat as if he's remarking on the weather
28:13can't be bothered with her
28:16exactly
28:16i jump in
28:18chin up
28:18packing every ounce of panic
28:20into the familiar jab
28:21like i'd want to talk to him
28:24mom watches us
28:26for a long time
28:29then she smiles
28:30and picks her fork back up
28:31good
28:33we're family
28:34no need to be at each other's throats
28:37all the time
28:37but the moment she looks down
28:39i catch kevin's eyes
28:40he says nothing
28:42just lingers a thoughtful second
28:43on that faint mark
28:44on his son's neck
28:45under the table
28:46samir's knee bumps mine
28:48very lightly
28:48as if to say
28:49careful
28:50and also
28:51this isn't over
28:54that night i can't sleep
28:56turning over and over
28:58not just from the unspent restlessness
29:00humming under my skin all night
29:02from mom's look at the table
29:03and kevin's one second pause
29:06two fine needles
29:07in the softest part of my chest
29:09i start thinking things
29:11i've never let myself think
29:15what if we get caught
29:20to marry kevin
29:21mom rebuilt her whole life
29:23from when i was 16
29:24sold the old house
29:26moved to this strange city
29:27learned at 40
29:28to be a newlywed again
29:30so carefully
29:31she tried to weld two families
29:33into one home
29:35and here i am
29:36planting a bomb under it
29:37in the most unforgivable way there is
29:41i hate samir
29:42that's what i've told myself
29:43and told my mother
29:44for two years
29:46now
29:47i finally see it
29:48that
29:49hate
29:50was laced with something else
29:52from the start
29:55i hated him barging in
29:57because i couldn't stop
29:58looking at him
29:59i went toe to toe with him
30:01because it was the only way
30:02i dared get close
30:04i dressed up my wanting
30:05as loathing
30:06and kept it up for two whole years
30:08until i nearly believed it myself
30:11in the hall
30:12the floor creaks
30:15my doorknob turns
30:16very lightly
30:17locked
30:20then a small folded note
30:22slides in under the door
30:26barefoot
30:26i slip off the bed
30:27pick it up
30:28unfold it in the moonlight
30:34samir's handwriting
30:35one line
30:38they're both out tomorrow
30:39all day
30:40i hold the note
30:41standing on the cold floor
30:42my heart nearly bursting
30:44through my chest
30:46outside
30:46not a breath of summer wind
30:49and i know
30:50perfectly clearly
30:53tomorrow
30:53i won't lock the door
30:55by early the next morning
30:56the house is empty
30:57mom and kevin head out
30:59with their bags
30:59to help my aunt move
31:01on the way
31:02mom pokes her head
31:03up the stairs
31:03sort out your own lunch
31:05there's food in the fridge
31:06then the garage door
31:07rumbles down
31:08and the engine fades
31:10then the whole house
31:11is quiet enough
31:12that all that's left
31:13is my own breathing
31:15i don't lock the door
31:18i lie on the bed
31:20staring at the ceiling
31:22and hear his door
31:23open downstairs
31:24footsteps
31:25step by step
31:26climbing slow
31:27stopping outside mine
31:29the knob turns
31:31it opens
31:33samir stands in the doorway
31:34backlit by the window
31:35and looks at me
31:36a long time
31:38neither of us speaks
31:39two years of friction
31:41last night's note
31:42the empty house silence
31:44all of it pressed
31:45into these few steps
31:46between us
31:48come here
31:49i hear myself say it
31:51soft
31:52but without a shred
31:53of hesitation
31:57he crosses to me
31:59sits on the end of the bed
32:00and tucks a damp strand
32:01of hair behind my ear
32:04a gesture too gentle
32:05to be his
32:07i thought about it
32:08all night
32:09i look at him
32:10and finish the sentence
32:11i've hidden for two years
32:13i don't hate you
32:15i never really did
32:18his throat works
32:19he leans down
32:21forehead to mine
32:23our breaths tangling
32:24same
32:27his voice is almost
32:28too hosky to hear
32:30from the day you stood
32:31at that wedding at 16
32:32and glared at me
32:33i was done for
32:36he kisses me
32:39this time there are
32:41no footsteps below
32:41no voice about to call us
32:43no threat waiting
32:44to puncture everything
32:46just a room full of
32:48summer light
32:48and two people
32:49who don't have to
32:50pretend anymore
32:52the camera holds
32:53outside the drawn curtains
32:56for the next few days
32:58we live inside
32:58a stolen scalding bubble
33:00by day the parents
33:02are at work
33:02and the house is ours
33:03but the sweeter it gets
33:05the tighter the string
33:06in me pulls
33:06because i know
33:08this bubble is borrowed
33:09and sooner or later
33:11it comes due
33:11the faint mark
33:12on samir's neck fades
33:14and a new one
33:15takes its place
33:15he keeps saying it's fine
33:17but i start checking
33:17his collar before every
33:18meal without thinking
33:19and checking my own face
33:23we relearn how to
33:24bicker at the table
33:26except now every jab
33:27is a code only the two
33:28of us can read
33:31the change starts
33:33on a saturday
33:34mom suddenly doesn't
33:35go in
33:35she sits on the living
33:37room couch
33:37watching samir
33:38and me
33:39come down the stairs
33:40one after the other
33:41something in her eyes
33:42i can't read
33:45becca
33:46she pats the seat
33:47beside her
33:48sit
33:49keep me company
33:50a minute
33:51samir's step
33:52hitches almost
33:53imperceptibly
33:53before he keeps
33:54going toward the
33:55kitchen
33:55i sit
33:57my heart's going
33:58wild
34:04lately
34:05mom takes my hand
34:06her voice light
34:07but every word
34:08a hundred pounds
34:09is something
34:10weighing on you
34:14half the blood
34:15drains out of me
34:16no
34:16i manage a smile
34:18what would i have
34:19on my mind
34:20mom looks at me
34:21a long time
34:21then lets out
34:22a soft sigh
34:23when you were 16
34:23i moved us here
34:24and you hated me
34:25for a long time
34:26her eyes drift
34:27to the window
34:27i know
34:28for my own happiness
34:30i pulled you up
34:31by the roots
34:31from everything
34:32familiar
34:34dropped you
34:34into a strange
34:35house
34:35gave you a strange
34:37brother
34:40all these years
34:41i felt i owed you
34:42my throat tightens
34:43i can't speak
34:44i just want you
34:45to be happy
34:46becca
34:46she turns back
34:48her eyes shining
34:50really happy
34:51not the put on
34:53i'm fine
34:53you show me
34:54in that instant
34:55i almost tell
34:56her everything
34:56almost lay it
34:58all out
34:58two years
34:59of pretending
35:00these scalding
35:01few days
35:02the knot
35:02of joy
35:03and fear
35:03tangled in my
35:04chest
35:04but i look
35:05at that careful
35:06light in her
35:07eyes
35:07the light
35:07of a woman
35:08who gave
35:08everything
35:09for this
35:09family
35:10and i swallow
35:11the words
35:17i'm happy
35:18mom
35:20i hug her
35:21bury my face
35:22in her shoulder
35:23my voice
35:23shaking
35:24really
35:26at the foot
35:27of the stairs
35:28samir stair
35:29stands holding
35:30two glasses
35:30of water
35:31motionless
35:34he heard
35:36he heard
35:37all of it
35:43that night
35:44another note
35:45slides under
35:46my door
35:48this one is
35:49four words
35:51we need to
35:52talk
35:58we meet in
35:59the garage
35:59out back
36:00the one place
36:02in this house
36:02the parents
36:03won't think of
36:04and can't hear
36:04this can't keep
36:06going or it'll
36:06blow up
36:07samir leans
36:08against the
36:08workbench
36:09his voice
36:09heavy
36:10your face
36:10today
36:11your mom
36:12will see
36:12through it
36:12sooner or
36:13later
36:13so what
36:13do you
36:13want to
36:14do
36:14i cross
36:14my arms
36:15my voice
36:16sharp
36:16even as
36:17my heart
36:17drops
36:21i don't
36:21know
36:22for once
36:22he looks
36:23at a loss
36:23dragging a
36:24hand down
36:24his face
36:25i just know
36:26i don't want
36:26to keep
36:27you hidden
36:28turn you
36:29into some
36:29secret that
36:30can't see
36:30daylight
36:31you shouldn't
36:32have to be
36:33that
36:33i freeze
36:34but what
36:34can we
36:35do
36:35my voice
36:36trembles
36:36tell them
36:37becca and
36:38samir the
36:39step siblings
36:39are together
36:40picture my
36:41mom's face
36:41she welded
36:43two families
36:43into one
36:44home
36:44and it
36:45cost her
36:45everything
36:46one sentence
36:47from us
36:47and it
36:48all shatters
36:48the garage
36:50goes quiet
36:50only the
36:51light overhead
36:52buzzing
36:54what if
36:55he says
36:55suddenly
36:56looking at
36:56me
36:56his eyes
36:57frighteningly
36:57serious
36:58we weren't
36:59step siblings
36:59what do you
37:00mean
37:04in september i
37:05start the project
37:05out in tucson
37:07my own place
37:08my own life
37:08word by word
37:09i won't live in
37:11this house anymore
37:13we won't be
37:14siblings under
37:15one roof
37:15once the dust
37:17settles
37:17once you
37:18graduate too
37:19we can start
37:20over
37:20it's something
37:21we don't have
37:22to hide
37:22i look at
37:23him
37:23my heart
37:24aching with
37:25each beat
37:25it's the first
37:26time i realize
37:27he isn't after
37:28this stolen
37:28summer
37:29he's after
37:29the after
37:35but some
37:36things don't
37:37wait for you
37:37to be ready
37:40it's a tuesday
37:40evening
37:42i think the
37:42house is empty
37:43and come out
37:44of the bathroom
37:44and nothing
37:45but a towel
37:46and there's
37:47samir
37:47waiting in the
37:48hall
37:49he backs me
37:50to the wall
37:50forehead to
37:51mine
37:51both of us
37:52grinning like
37:53kids who
37:53swiped candy
37:56neither of us
37:57hear kevin's
37:57car
37:58home early
37:59below
37:59or his
38:01footsteps on
38:01the stairs
38:08samir
38:09the instant
38:10his father's
38:11voice sounds
38:11from the end
38:12of the hall
38:12the whole
38:13world stops
38:14we spring
38:15apart
38:16too late
38:17kevin stands
38:19at the top
38:19of the stairs
38:20looking at
38:20his son
38:21half wrapped
38:21around me
38:22in a towel
38:22his son's
38:23hands still
38:24at my waist
38:25and his face
38:26freezes
38:26then breaks
38:27inch by inch
38:30what
38:31are you two
38:32doing
38:33no music
38:34to cover
38:35it
38:37no door
38:38to block
38:38it
38:39no excuse
38:40that holds
38:43this time
38:44we're truly
38:45seen
38:48that night
38:49is the longest
38:50of my life
38:50kevin calls
38:52mom home
38:53the four of us
38:54sit in the living
38:55room under a
38:56harsh white light
38:57mom's face
38:58goes from
38:58confusion
38:59to disbelief
39:00to something
39:01i'll never forget
39:02heartbreak
39:05how long
39:07mom i asked
39:09how long
39:13this summer
39:16samir speaks
39:17first
39:17stepping in front
39:19of me as if
39:19to shield me
39:21i started it
39:22blame me
39:24no
39:26i grab his
39:27hand
39:28my voice
39:29shaking
39:29but holding
39:30not just
39:31him
39:32us
39:33mom i know
39:34this is hard
39:35to take
39:35we're not
39:36blood but
39:37we became
39:37siblings inside
39:38your marriage
39:39to kevin
39:42i know how
39:43absurd that is
39:44how much
39:45it hurts
39:45mom covers
39:46her face
39:47her shoulders
39:48shaking hard
39:49kevin can't
39:50get out a
39:51single word
39:51just stares
39:52at the floor
39:54i spent two
39:55years pretending
39:55to hate him
39:56because i knew
39:57from the start
39:57it was wrong
39:58but mom i can't
40:00keep pretending
40:00in the living room
40:01all that's left
40:02is mom stifled
40:03crying
40:03in that moment
40:05i finally understand
40:06what a price is
40:06it isn't the thrill
40:07of getting caught
40:08it's watching the
40:09person you love
40:09most break
40:10because of you
40:14for the next two
40:15weeks
40:15the house
40:17is frozen over
40:18mom barely
40:19speaks to me
40:21not anger
40:22the harder
40:24kind of silence
40:25kevin moves
40:26into the study
40:27to sleep
40:28samir moves
40:29up his transfer
40:30to tucson
40:30and we agree
40:31until the dust
40:33settles
40:33neither of us
40:34crosses a single
40:35line
40:35it's the penance
40:37we set for
40:37ourselves
40:39i think this is
40:41how the family
40:41splits apart
40:43the bomb i
40:45planted with my
40:45own hands
40:46finally went
40:47off
40:47but one night
40:48going down
40:49for water
40:49i find mom
40:50alone in the
40:51kitchen
40:51two untouched
40:52cups of tea
40:53in front of her
40:54sit
40:58i sit
40:59and wait
41:00for the verdict
41:02when i was
41:02nineteen
41:05i fell for someone
41:06everyone said
41:07i shouldn't
41:08my mother
41:09your grandmother
41:10wouldn't speak
41:11to me for three
41:12years
41:12i thought i'd long
41:14forgotten that
41:14feeling
41:15knowing it in your
41:16heart and not being
41:17able to tell a soul
41:18i'm not giving you
41:19my blessing
41:20she looks at me
41:22exhaustion
41:22struggle
41:23and a small
41:24loosening
41:26i need time
41:27kevin needs
41:28more
41:28this may not
41:29be fixable
41:30and you should
41:31be ready for
41:31that
41:33but i won't
41:34force you to
41:35keep playing
41:35i'm fine
41:35anymore
41:37my tears
41:37come all at
41:38once
41:38it isn't
41:39forgiveness
41:41but it's a
41:42beginning
41:45in september
41:46samir moves out
41:47we don't say
41:48goodbye in secret
41:49in front of mom
41:50and kevin
41:51he loads the
41:51last box into
41:52the car
41:53then comes to
41:54me and
41:54under both
41:55their eyes
41:56says it
41:56plainly
41:57i'll wait
41:57for this family
41:59to take its
41:59time
41:59for you to
42:00graduate
42:00i won't rush
42:01it
42:02but i won't
42:03pretend none
42:03of this
42:03happened
42:04either
42:05kevin turns
42:05his face
42:06away and
42:06says nothing
42:06but he
42:07doesn't stop
42:07it
42:08mom stands
42:08on the
42:09porch
42:09arms around
42:09himself
42:10watching us
42:10after a
42:11long moment
42:12she gives
42:12the faint
42:12barely
42:13perceptible
42:14nod
42:14the car
42:15pulls away
42:15that stolen
42:17scalding
42:17summer is
42:18over
42:18but strangely
42:19i don't feel
42:20the emptiness
42:21i expected
42:21because this
42:22time
42:23his leaving
42:23isn't running
42:24isn't an
42:25ending
42:25it's the
42:26two of us
42:26choosing
42:27together
42:27the harder
42:28road we can
42:29walk in the
42:29open
42:30i turn to
42:31go in
42:31mom stops
42:32me at the
42:33door
42:33hesitates
42:34then reaches
42:35out to
42:35smooth the
42:36hair the
42:36wind has
42:37must
42:37the same
42:38gesture
42:39exactly
42:39as that
42:40morning two
42:41months ago
42:42except this
42:43time
42:43neither of
42:44us have
42:44to pretend
42:45anymore
42:47what follows
42:48is a long
42:49year
42:49samir in
42:51tucson
42:51me at
42:52school
42:55we keep
42:56it clean
42:56almost like
42:57we're meeting
42:57each other
42:58for the first
42:58time
42:59calls
43:00texts
43:00the occasional
43:01weekend at a
43:02cafe where no
43:02one knows us
43:03like two
43:04ordinary adults
43:05finally doing
43:06this right
43:08the ice at
43:09home melts
43:10slowly
43:13kevin gives
43:14first
43:14one thanksgiving
43:16at the table
43:17he asks for
43:18the first time
43:19unprompted
43:20how's samir
43:21doing
43:22and something
43:23starts to
43:24seep into
43:24mom's
43:24silence
43:25too
43:26she begins
43:27asking if
43:28i'm okay
43:28and when she
43:29asks her
43:30eyes are
43:30really on
43:30me
43:32not every
43:33story gets
43:33a clean
43:34tidy
43:34forgiveness
43:35our family
43:36welded its
43:36cracks back
43:37together inch
43:38by patient
43:38inch
43:39some places
43:41will always
43:41carry the
43:42scar
43:44but a scar
43:45is proof
43:46of healing
43:46too
43:50the next
43:51summer
43:52i graduate
43:57on graduation
43:58day
43:59mom and
44:00kevin
44:00are in
44:00the audience
44:02and beside
44:04them
44:04at a respectable
44:05distance
44:06samir
44:10there is
44:11someone who
44:11doesn't have
44:12to hide
44:12anymore
44:15that summer
44:16is brutally
44:17hot again
44:17i moved
44:18to tucson
44:19a small
44:20apartment
44:20a ten
44:21minute walk
44:21from samir's
44:22place
44:22we don't
44:23live together
44:24mom said
44:25to take it
44:26slow
44:26and we
44:27both
44:27agreed
44:29on moving
44:30day
44:30the ac
44:31breaks
44:33i collapse
44:34among the
44:35boxes
44:35dizzy
44:36with heat
44:36and somehow
44:37think of
44:37that identical
44:38afternoon
44:39two years
44:39ago
44:41lying in
44:41a stifling
44:42room
44:42hating
44:43a man
44:43unable
44:44to stop
44:45pressing
44:45my thighs
44:46together
44:46i laugh
44:47out loud
44:48then i pick
44:49up my phone
44:49and text him
44:50my ac's
44:51broken over
44:52here
44:54minutes later
44:55familiar footsteps
44:57come up the
44:57stairs
44:58step by step
45:02the doors
45:03unlock
45:03he stands
45:04in the doorway
45:05toolbox in
45:06hand
45:06gray tank
45:08hair soaked
45:09at the forehead
45:09identical to the
45:11first glimpse
45:11of him that
45:12summer
45:12except this
45:13time he
45:13isn't the
45:14stranger who
45:14barged into
45:15my life and
45:15took my
45:16mother and
45:16he isn't the
45:17stepbrother i
45:18have to pretend
45:18to hate
45:18where's it
45:19broken
45:22i look at
45:23him the man i
45:23resisted with
45:24two years of
45:25pretending and
45:25then fought for
45:26with all the
45:26honesty i had
45:27after and the
45:28thing that caught
45:29fire in me that
45:29scalding summer
45:30burns now
45:31steady and
45:32sure
45:35come here
45:36outside the
45:40window summer
45:41is just
45:42beginning
45:44and this
45:45time we
45:46have all the
45:46time in the
45:47world
45:47you
Comments