- 6 hours ago
The AC Went Out That Summer
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Short filmTranscript
00:09two years that's how long i've hated my stepbrother samir counting from the day my mom married his
00:16dad 12 years older than me what gave him the right to crash into my life take my mom move
00:22into my house but today the heat's burning through the whole house the ac's dead it's just me and
00:29him up here he crouches at the edge of my bed working the wiring sweat slides down the muscle
00:36of his forearm and i'm pressed into the corner knees clamping tighter and tighter beyond my
00:40control he's supposed to be the person i hate most but the second his sweat soaked back turns
00:45and those eyes land on me charged now with something else something inside me cracks
00:50clean open and god help me i don't want him to stop
00:5598 degrees the ac in my room died this morning just gave out i hate this house the way it
01:04is now
01:05anyway i hate the day mom married kevin and packed him and his quiet 30 something son into my life
01:14two years now every wrong thing under this roof started that day too hot to think
01:22i've kicked off my shorts a tank strap slipping off my shoulder and flopped back on the bed to call
01:31her
01:40mom my ac's broken i'm melting up here her end is all rattling carts and store announcements
01:47i know i know i'm at the store back soon have your brother look at it he's coming home for
01:52lunch anyway
01:57your brother those two words set me off but my brain won't listen it pulls him up before i can
02:04stop it he does hvac fixes ac lines and pipes all day always slick with sweat last week in the
02:12kitchen
02:13head tipped back chugging ice water his throat working with every swallow
02:19a drop running down his jaw to his collar pine the muscle in his forearm bunching tight as he
02:25cranked a valve i press my thighs together and hate myself the second i do i hate him i really
02:33do
02:34so what the hell is this downstairs the front door clicks open the stairs groan step by step
02:42under someone much heavier than me that's when i remember what i'm wearing
02:47i lunge for the shorts on my chair too late the door swings open samir work pants gray tank
02:56soaked through and clean every line of his chest and stomach right there toolbox in hand the hair at
03:03his forehead damp in strands i should look away i don't my eyes dragged down on their own
03:10his slick chest his tensed forearms and finally see something you like his voice comes out rough the
03:19corner of his mouth tipping up caught heat shoots all the way to my ears i ripped the blanket up
03:26over
03:26myself who who's looking at you don't flatter yourself he doesn't look away the smirk only deepens
03:33his throat moves once the ac he steps in drops the toolbox and looks down at me curled up small
03:42where is it over there i jerk my chin at the unit in the corner and pull the blanket tighter
03:50he doesn't move right away first those heavy eyes drag over me then he comes
03:58the unit sits high on the wall above my headboard my bed right under it
04:02the room's small and a man his size only makes it smaller
04:09he takes one look and frowns get down why should i i dig my heels in though it sounds hollow
04:16the moment
04:16it's out two years and this is all i know how to do with him bristle jab push back mom
04:24remarried he
04:25and kevin moved in and the house stopped being just hers and mine i came home for the summer wanting
04:33some quiet and now i share even my breathing room with this stranger i can dodge him for an afternoon
04:41not for the long line of summers after he doesn't argue one knee on the edge of the bed and
04:47he stretches
04:48up toward the unit i shrink into the corner but the bed's only so big as he leans the soaped
04:55gray
04:55tank brushes my shin heat sweat that sun warmed smell of him all of it crashing over me at once
05:01his arm works a screw overhead the muscle bunching and releasing inches from my face
05:06i hold my breath i don't dare move no one's downstairs mom's still at the store the whole house is
05:12quiet
05:13just my sun-baked bedroom door shut sealed off from the rest of the world the thought sends a
05:18hotter prickle up my back up here door closed whatever happens no one below would know
05:25move over he says low his elbow pressing toward me there's nowhere to go his hip is against my
05:31drawn-up knees i'm wedged between him and the wall half of me pressed to his side
05:37i told you i can't get away from you he says glancing down his throat moving goes both ways
05:46he turns it a few times swears says the wiring's fried the whole thing has to come apart the minutes
05:52crawl the room's hot enough to swim in the two of us crammed into this scrap of space neither one
05:57talking my backs to the wall half of me against his sweat damp side the sweat glues us together skin
06:03to
06:03skin impossible to peel apart i should be disgusted i'm not i can feel the muscle in his side tighten
06:10with
06:10every turn of the screw that strength soaking through a thin film of sweat into my skin sinking
06:15low in my belly a picture rises before i can stop it if that hand weren't reaching for a screw
06:20overhead
06:21but sliding down my waist instead i kill the thought my face burns i hate him i think of the
06:27wedding day
06:27him standing there cold not even a hello two years ago i swore i'd never go soft for this man
06:33not once and right now my thighs are clamping together on their own the wet heat there is
06:39impossible to hide slick sticky mortifying it's the weather i lie to myself that's all just the heat
06:48irritated i try to shift to find room to breathe my knee moves and by accident grazes the inside of
06:55his thigh his hands stop the whole room goes still becca his voice drops to gravel it travels straight
07:02down my ear into my spine you'd better not move i don't listen my heart slamming and something
07:08hotter than hate eggs me on i push out again elbow digging into his side on purpose the next second
07:14his free hand clamps down on my waist a hand big enough to span half of it too strong to
07:18fight
07:19and it hauls me back against him my gasp jams in my throat my back hits his scalding sweat damp
07:24chest
07:25his heartbeat through two thin layers of cotton slams into my spine once again
07:34what are you doing i keep my voice down and claw at the arm locked across my waist
07:39it's cast iron it doesn't give i should break free drive an elbow into him call him a creep bolt
07:45downstairs but my body betrays me it sinks into him fitting against every scalding inch of him
07:51i can feel his breathing turn rough his chest rising and falling at my back
07:58he grunts my elbow jabbing his stomach and in the scramble quit it i won't give in and i'm even
08:05more scared he sees through me so i open my mouth for another jab nothing comes out his free hand
08:11lifts
08:11and closes around the front of my throat not hard but sure steady tipping the back of my head into
08:18the
08:18hollow of his shoulder every drop of blood in me runs cold then floods back scalding
08:25two years of fighting of cutting each other to the bone and he never once touched me
08:31but now his palm cradles my throat his thumb on the pulse going wild there
08:36and i'm not afraid being held completely in his hand helpless in his grip
08:42it turns me to water i'm in the same hell you are his mouth is at my ear his breath
08:49hot and horsey
08:50each word brended in but you are going to hold still his breath fans against the side of my face
08:57no more squirming no more little whimpers making it worse the hand on my throat tightens a fraction
09:03you hear me i try to nod only then does he ease off i guilt for air my heart wild
09:09enough to leap
09:10out of my chest for a long stretch i stay curled against him not daring to move his arm stays
09:17locked
09:17around my waist never once loosening and his thumb against the damp curve of my side moves slow up
09:23then down up then down every drag of it sends a current sliding down to the small of my back
09:28i clamp my thighs tighter and it only makes the want sharper i want more the thought scares me
09:35that's when downstairs the front door clicks open
09:40did your brother go up to fix your ac no no he didn't i call down forcing my voice into
09:47its usual
09:47annoyance he's probably off slacking somewhere again a beat of quiet below let me come up and look at it
09:53you can't sit in this heat the staircase creaks taking mom's weight one step my blood goes to ice
10:00i claw at his arm let go she's coming up let go of me he doesn't worse the hand that's
10:09been resting
10:10at my waist slides painfully slow down the line of my hip over my stomach over the dip of my
10:16hip bone
10:16lower still until it settles squarely over me through the thin fabric already soaked with sweat and something
10:21else my whole body bows tight a sharp high sound rushes up my throat i bite down on my lip
10:26and
10:26swallow it second stare creak he bends his head nose against my scalding ear and through the soaked fabric
10:32his palm grinds down on me not soft not hard once soaked like this and still lying that no one
10:41came up
10:41he breathes low and filthy samir it comes out a plea my voice in pieces please my mom his thumb
10:50presses again dragging a winner out of me before i can swallow it the hand doesn't move from where
10:54it is scared now third step mom's voice is closer becca why is the door locked from the inside he
11:01looks down
11:01at me held completely in his hand every breath a luxury now his eyes lit with something that makes me
11:07dizzy he leans to my ear word by word so how about you let your mom see exactly what you
11:15look like right now
11:26becca why is this locked from the inside
11:32his palm is still on me grinding in that slow punishing way that has me shaking all over
11:36his breath brushes my ear answer her i i'm changing i call out my voice in pieces
11:45it's too hot i'm not dressed don't come in mom god this heat hurry up then come down and eat
11:51i got sandwiches and cold pasta salad step by step the stairs let her go soon there's the rustle of
11:58plastic bags the fridge opening and closing the threat ebbs i slump back against him ringed out
12:05gulping air furious and humiliated my eyes burning you're insane you actually would have he doesn't
12:10answer and he doesn't do what i expect doesn't let go and retreat behind the wall we've spent two
12:15years building he just holds me chin on my shoulder silent for a long time long enough that i can
12:21hear
12:21the fridge humming downstairs then he says it low without a trace of his usual sneer i don't want to
12:28let go i go rigid i twist around to look at him two years and i know every cruel thing
12:37he's ever said
12:37to me this wasn't a joke not even close
12:43we stay frozen like that downstairs mom's putting groceries away humming something tuneless
12:50the ac's still dead the heat lying thick on my skin but the heat running through me stopped being
12:56the weather a while ago i've been locked against him too long wound too tight now my lower back and
13:03the tops of my thighs start to cramp a deep dragging ache like the heaviness before my period i shift
13:09in
13:09small movements trying to work it loose don't move he says low but it's not his usual impatience
13:16it's horsey careful something i've never heard from him i shift again can't help it a small noun escapes
13:27both his thumbs have come to rest on the outsides of my thighs kneading slow back and forth the touch
13:33lifts every hair on me but the ache is worse i bite my lip and admit it my lower back
13:39and where my legs
13:41me tense too long it aches i want to stretch but you're pinning me i can't move
13:49his hands pause on my legs bring your knees his voice drops lower up onto the bed
14:01i twist around to glare at him red-faced and lost neil neil how he pats the narrow space along
14:09his
14:09thighs feet here then taps the mattress in front of me knees here when it hits me what he's asking
14:17my
14:17face goes up in flames but the ache is unbearable and somehow i do it his hands settle on my
14:22hips and
14:22guide me forward easing my feet up one at a time knees spreading by the time i catch up i'm
14:27straddling
14:27his lap with my back to him a position so shameful my toes curl lean back he draws me against
14:33his
14:34chest head back on my shoulder my throat's dry and i obey without knowing why the back of my head
14:41finds the hollow of his shoulder my whole spine rising and falling against his scalding sweat
14:46damp chest his hands lock on my hips and slowly he bears down lifting my lower body arching it back
14:51into a deep bow inch by inch my whole torso pulls open the ache i've held for so long lets
14:56go all at
14:57once so good my eyes well up a long moan slips out before i can stop it
15:06he curses low behind my ear his nose bearing into the side of my neck dragging once hard his breathing
15:12goes racked his hands press in harder deepening the arch once twice open release each one melts the
15:19ache into something else burning up from the base of my spine we hold it for almost a minute before
15:26the arms carrying me start to shake i'm smaller than him but i'm no slip of a girl holding me
15:34up in
15:34mid-air like this would wear anyone down i'm better now a lie my face burns he grunts and lowers
15:41me back
15:42onto his lap but his hands don't leave my hips i know exactly what it means still straddling him back
15:47turned and for some reason neither of us moves to fix it two years of fighting and this is the
15:53longest we've ever sat together without tearing each other apart that alone unsettles me thanks
15:58i say it at last barely a whisper he hums the stubble on his jaw drags across my cheek with
16:05it
16:05and a fine melting tingle races up my spine i know i have to push it down pretend i didn't
16:11feel it
16:13down stairs mom still busy in the kitchen humming off key his long fingers in time with every breath i
16:19take slowly tighten on my hips the heavy ache starts pulsing back i can't help squirming still hurts
16:30sorry he hesitates then his hands come slowly around from my sides to the front of me drop your back
16:36down
16:38the rasp in his voice impossible to hide now lift your hips a little
16:44he pushes my tank up and slides both hands into my shorts his squirting thumbs find the two aching
16:50knots at the base of my spine and press in steady grinding down in slow circles my lips tremble i
16:57suck
16:57in a breath and a moan i can't hold pills out his thumbs circle leaning in harder grinding the stiff
17:02fake loose inch by inch i clamp down on my tongue downstairs the tap is running mom washing the
17:07produce please god she heard nothing he stills for a few seconds then he knees deeper faster his hands
17:13spreading wider outward downward my hips move with his rhythm on their own his thumbs are too close
17:19enough to turn me to water in that place with every circle of his hands betrays me getting hotter and
17:23hotter samir his name comes out wrecked soft and clinging pleasure spreads in waves from where his fingers
17:32press melting every ache out of me i bite my lips between my teeth and strangle the next moan in
17:37my throat terrified they'll hear downstairs below the water surges louder and mom calls up just a few
17:44more minutes drowning out every sound i don't dare make and under that cover his hands the slides one
17:51inch lower his breathing changes too especially the moment he buries his face in the curve of my neck
17:57lips against my skin every hair on my nace stands up my whole spine shivers with that melting
18:01tingle then suddenly he pulls his hands out of my shorts a small lost whimper leaks out of me
18:06before i can stop it the next second i want to disappear into the floor oh god he was just
18:10being
18:10decent for once working out a cramp and there i was panting and windering under his hands making those
18:17sounds i must have scared him off this silence stretches my heart still pounding over his hands
18:24over the mouth he'd press to my neck i get ready to pull away ready to say something ugly and
18:30that's
18:31when samir's fingers hook the edge of my shorts and tug one inch down his warm mouth grazes my ear
18:38good girl he breathes low and rough lift your hips for me again
18:45good girl lift your hips for me again the words land somewhere deep inside me
18:50i squeeze my eyes shut trying to quiet my racing heart and instead i just obey lifting my hips shaking
19:00downstairs mom's voice suddenly rises
19:07it hits like a bucket of ice water over my head samir goes rigid and i snap awake what am
19:14i doing my mom just
19:16got home she's right downstairs and here i am in my own room straddling my stepbrother lifting my hips
19:20because he told me to shame torches through me i shove his hands off scramble off his lap yank my
19:26shorts
19:26up not daring to look back i i'm going down becca he says behind me i don't stop but just
19:32before i pull
19:33the door open i look back at him after all he's on the wrecked bed chest heaving hair soaked eyes
19:38burning
19:39into me not a trace of the usual sneer just something scorching cut off mid-breath i flee
19:46straight down the stairs
19:49i don't taste a single bite of that lunch
19:52across from me mom rattles on the store had a sale the neighbor's news
19:58why is your brother so quiet today i murmur back my whole heart still stuck in that burning room upstairs
20:05samir sits at the other end eating with his head down silent but i can feel it every time mom
20:11looks
20:12away his eyes land on me heavy hot enough that i can barely hold my fork oh i have to
20:19go help your
20:19aunt move some things this afternoon she's swamped becca you rest at home okay samir you're home this
20:25afternoon if the ac's still not fixed call someone don't let your sister roast
20:30my grip on the fork jumps afternoon house just the two of us my head snaps up right into his
20:36eyes
20:37looking at me past my mother he says nothing just the faintest tip of his mouth aimed at me
20:42and the string in me that just snapped pulls tight again humming
20:48the second mom's out the door the house goes so quiet there's nothing left but my own heartbeat
20:56i shut myself in my room back to the door telling myself i'm going nowhere and opening for no one
21:03this morning's madness never happened i hate him i have to remember i hate him but my body won't obey
21:11just remembering the heat of his palm that good girl and my legs start to give again
21:15the stairs crack step by step taking the weight i can't escape the footsteps stop outside my door
21:24open up his voice comes through the wood low rough leaving no room to refuse
21:31no i brace against the door but my voice is laughably thin go away i hate you
21:39a beat of silence outside becca his voice drops to almost nothing each word like it's spoken against
21:47my ear the way you look this morning didn't look like hate my face goes up in flames my heart
21:54slamming
21:54till it aches i stare at my own hand on the lock watch it beyond my control slowly turn it
22:05open
22:08the instant the door gives he's through it i step back he steps in and in three strides he's backs
22:16me
22:16into the corner one hand braced on the wall by my head caging me between him and the plaster
22:23heat sweat that scent that's only his everywhere
22:31what you didn't finish saying this morning he bends down nose nearly to mine his breath
22:36scalding say it now say say whether you hate me he cuts me off a certainty in his voice that
22:44lifts
22:45every hair on me look at me and say it i lift my eyes to his two years of resentment
22:54every i'm fine
22:55i ever fed my mother and this morning's surrender i die before admitting all of it jams in my throat
23:00the
23:01word comes out shaking apart i he waits eyes locked on me without a blink the hand on the wall
23:06corded
23:07with tension i close my eyes and let it go the truth i've held for two years and the last
23:12of my
23:12dignity with it i don't know i hear my own voice tremble i just know don't let go again his
23:18breath
23:18catches the next second he's kissing me pressing me into the wall
23:26that guy forgot my keys are they on the entry table
23:30we both freeze his mouth still on mine my fists still in his tank both of us breathing hard chest
23:36against rising chest one wall and one staircase away my mother's ordinary afternoon voice knowing nothing
23:45it cracks through me like thunder jolting me out of the heat that was about to swallow me whole
23:50i shove him off frantically fixing my clothes and my breath my voice shaking as i call down
23:56they're they're on the entry table just grab them mom got him okay i'm off
24:04the whole house sinks back into scalding silence i lean against the wall legs too weak to hold me
24:10and look up at him he's looking back and what's churning in his eyes burns hotter than the 98 degree
24:16day neither of us says a word but we both know that near miss one wall away didn't put us
24:23out
24:24it lit something for good the summer's only just begun and this door of mine will never quite shut again
24:35that night at dinner i can barely sit still the ac finally got fixed that afternoon the four of us
24:40around the table mom on my left busy topping off everyone's plate kevin across from me head down over
24:46his food and samir right at my side on the surface everything's normal mom rattles on about the neighbors
24:52kevin grunts now and then some dull re-roy playing in the background i stare at my plate trying to
24:57look
24:57i have at every meal for two years at war with the stepbrother beside me too disdainful to spare him
25:01a glance but under the tablecloth it's another world his hand has settled on my knee my fork
25:06stops in midair i try to brush him off without a flicker on my face he doesn't budge his palm
25:11is
25:11hot enough to feel through my dress slowly he slides it an inch up my thigh oh mom speaks up
25:19and i nearly
25:19come out of my chair is the ac all sorted did your brother do okay up there in that exact
25:25second
25:25his hand climbs another half inch stops high on my thigh and presses down with meaning
25:29like he knows precisely what he's doing to me i grip my fork and force my voice flat as dead
25:34water
25:36it's fine passable passable samir's coughs beside me cold as if we're actually fighting not even
25:43turning his head still as ungrateful as ever above the table we're still the step siblings who can't
25:48share a room beneath it his thumb grinds slow circles into the inside of my thigh through the dress
25:53i stab at something and shove it in my mouth without tasting it my face is burning i gulp water
26:00to put it out but my throat's bone dry i set down my fork my voice unsteady mom i'll go
26:07get something
26:07to drink i'm practically fleeing as i stand and as i turn for the kitchen i see it clearly samir
26:15in no hurry
26:16at all setting down his fork too a half wall counter separates the kitchen from the dining room back to
26:24the doorway i grip the counter shut my eyes and breathe deep trying to push down the heat in my
26:29face and the chaos in my chest behind me the floor gives the fladest creek before i can turn two
26:36hands
26:36brace the counter's edge caging me between him and the counter his chest against my back his chin on my
26:43shoulder his voice barely there breath brushing my ear running from what you're insane i grip the
26:50counter hardly daring to make a sound right there one ball away i know he laughs low the vibration
26:57traveling down my spine into me he touches nothing else just drags his nose painfully slow over the skin
27:03behind my ear so you'll have to hold it in same as under the table just now every drop of
27:09blood in me
27:09rushes to my face from the living room the tv the on and off murmur of mom and kevin drifts
27:15over clear
27:15as day close enough that one lifted head one turn my breath shakes he leans closer pressing me into the
27:25cold counter's edge his voice full of knowing amusement shaking like this are you scared of getting caught
27:34he pauses we're scared i'll stop i can't answer because i don't have an answer to either from the
27:42dining room comes the scrape of a chair leg on the floor becca mom calls the drinks are on the
27:49bottom
27:49shelf of the fridge can't you find them we both go still found found them i blurred it squeezing out
27:58from between him and the counter yanking open the bottom shelf grabbing two sparkling waters at random
28:04only when the cold bottles hit my scalding palms do i get a sliver of my mind back
28:10samir steps back unhurried and pulls a beer from the fridge as if he weren't the one who just had
28:17me
28:17prin to the counter i carry the water back to the table my legs still unsteady but this time mom
28:25doesn't pick her chatter back up she sets down her forks and look between me and samir from my flushed
28:33face to the faint mark on the side of his neck i only now notices left there at some point
28:38i can't
28:38place you too she says slowly her tone impossible to read why aren't you fighting today the air locks
28:46kevin looks up too my heart pounds in my ears two years and we've never had a quiet meal at
28:51this table
28:52today's silence is the biggest tell of all fight about what samir says at first flat as if he's
28:57remarking on the weather can't be bothered with her exactly i jump in chin up packing every ounce of
29:06panic into the familiar jab like i'd want to talk to him mom watches us for a long time
29:15then she smiles and picks her fork back up good we're family no need to be at each other's throats
29:23all the time but the moment she looks down i catch kevin's eyes he says nothing just lingers a
29:29thoughtful second on that faint mark on his son's neck under the table samir's knee bumps mine very
29:35lightly as if to say careful and also this isn't over that night i can't sleep turning over and over
29:45not just from the unspent restlessness humming under my skin all night
29:49from mom's look at the table and kevin's one second pause two fine needles in the softest part
29:55of my chest i start thinking things i've never let myself think what if we get caught
30:06to marry kevin mom rebuilt her whole life from when i was 16. sold the old house moved to this
30:13strange
30:14city learned at 40 to be a newlywed again so carefully she tried to weld two families into one home
30:21and here i am planting a bomb under it in the most unforgivable way there is
30:27i hate samir that's what i've told myself and told my mother for two years now i finally see it
30:35that
30:36hate was laced with something else from the start i hated him barging in because i couldn't stop looking
30:45at him i went toe to toe with him because it was the only way i dared get close i
30:51dressed up my wanting
30:52as loathing and kept it up for two whole years until i nearly believed it myself in the hall the
30:58floor creaks
31:01my doorknob turns very lightly locked then a small folded note slides in under the door
31:12barefoot i slip off the bed pick it up unfold it in the moonlight
31:21samir's handwriting one line they're both out tomorrow all day i hold the note standing on the
31:28cold floor my heart nearly bursting through my chest outside not a breath of summer wind
31:35and i know perfectly clearly tomorrow i won't lock the door by early the next morning the house
31:43is empty mom and kevin head out with their bags to help my aunt move on the way mom pokes
31:49her head
31:49up the stairs sort out your own lunch there's food in the fridge then the garage door rumbles down
31:55and the engine fades then the whole house is quiet enough that all that's left is my own breathing
32:02i don't lock the door i lie on the bed staring at the ceiling and hear his door open downstairs
32:11footsteps step by step climbing slow stopping outside mine the knob turns it opens samir stands in the
32:20doorway backlit by the window and looks at me a long time neither of us speaks two years of friction
32:27last night's note the empty house silence all of it pressed into these few steps between us
32:34come here i hear myself say it soft but without a shred of hesitation
32:44he crosses to me sits on the end of the bed and tucks a damp strand of hair behind my
32:48ear
32:50a gesture too gentle to be his
32:54i thought about it all night i look at him and finish the sentence i've hidden for two years
33:00i don't hate you i never really did
33:05his throat works he leans down forehead to mine our breaths tangling
33:11same
33:13his voice is almost too hosky to hear
33:16from the day you stood at that wedding at 16 and glared at me i was done for
33:23he kisses me
33:26this time there are no footsteps below no voice about to call us no threat waiting to puncture
33:32everything just a room full of summer light and two people who don't have to pretend anymore
33:38the camera holds outside the drawn curtains for the next few days we live inside a stolen scalding
33:46bubble by day the parents are at work and the house is ours but the sweeter it gets the tighter
33:52the string in me pulls because i know this bubble is borrowed and sooner or later it comes due the
33:58faint
33:59mark on samir's neck fades and a new one takes its place he keeps saying it's fine but i start
34:04checking
34:04his collar before every meal without thinking and checking my own face
34:10we relearn how to bicker at the table except now every jab is a code only the two of us
34:15can read
34:18the change starts on a saturday mom suddenly doesn't go in she sits on the living room couch
34:24watching samir and me come down the stairs one after the other something in her eyes i can't read
34:32becca she pats the seat beside her sit keep me company a minute samir's step hitches almost
34:39imperceptibly before he keeps going toward the kitchen i sit my heart's going wild
34:51lately mom takes my hand her voice light but every word a hundred pounds is something weighing on you
35:01half the blood drains out of me no i manage a smile what would i have on my mind mom
35:07looks at
35:07me a long time then lets out a soft sigh when you were 16 i moved us here and you
35:11hated me for a long
35:12time her eyes drift to the window i know for my own happiness i pulled you up by the roots
35:18from
35:18everything familiar dropped you into a strange house gave you a strange brother
35:26all these years i felt i owed you my throat tightens i can't speak i just want you to be
35:32happy becca
35:34she turns back her eyes shining really happy not the put on i'm fine you show me in that instant
35:41i
35:42almost tell her everything almost lay it all out two years of pretending these scalding few days the
35:48knot of joy and fear tangled in my chest but i look at that careful light in her eyes the
35:54light of a woman
35:54who gave everything for this family and i swallow the words i'm happy mom i hug her bury my face
36:09in her
36:09shoulder my voice shaking really at the foot of the stairs samir stair stands holding two glasses of water
36:18motionless he heard he heard all of it
36:30that night another note slides under my door
36:35this one is four words we need to talk
36:44we meet in the garage out back the one place in this house the parents won't think of and can't
36:51hear
36:51this can't keep going or it'll blow up samir leans against the workbench his voice heavy your face
36:57today your mom will see through it sooner or later so what do you want to do i cross my
37:01arms my voice
37:02sharp even as my heart drops i don't know for once he looks at a loss dragging a hand down
37:11his face
37:12i just know i don't want to keep you hidden
37:15turn you into some secret that can't see daylight you shouldn't have to be that i freeze but what
37:21can we do my voice trembles tell them becca and samir the step siblings are together picture my mom's
37:28face she welded two families into one home and it cost her everything one sentence from us and it all
37:34shatters the garage goes quiet only the light overhead buzzing what if he says suddenly looking at me his
37:43eyes frighteningly serious we weren't step siblings what do you mean
37:50in september i start the project out in tucson my own place my own life word by word i won't
37:57live in
37:57this house anymore we won't be siblings under one roof once the dust settles once you graduate too
38:05we can start over as something we don't have to hide i look at him my heart aching with each
38:11beat
38:12it's the first time i realize he isn't after this stolen summer he's after the after
38:22but some things don't wait for you to be ready
38:26it's a tuesday evening i think the house is empty and come out of the bathroom and nothing but a
38:32towel
38:32and there's samir waiting in the hall he backs me to the wall forehead to mine both of us grinning
38:39like
38:39kids who swiped candy
38:42neither of us hear kevin's car home early below or his footsteps on the stairs
38:55samir the instant his father's voice sounds from the end of the hall the whole world stops we spring
39:02apart too late kevin stands at the top of the stairs looking at his son half wrapped around me in
39:09a towel
39:09his son's hand still at my waist and his face freezes then breaks inch by inch
39:17what are you two doing no music to cover it
39:24no door to block it no excuse that holds
39:29this time we're truly seen
39:35that night is the longest of my life kevin calls mom home the four of us sit in the living
39:41room
39:42under a harsh white light mom's face goes from confusion to disbelief to something i'll never forget heartbreak
39:52how long mom i asked how long
40:00this summer samir speaks first stepping in front of me as if to shield me
40:07i started it blame me no i grab his hand my voice shaking but holding
40:17not just him us mom i know this is hard to take we're not blood but we became siblings inside
40:25your
40:25marriage to kevin i know how absurd that is how much it hurts mom covers her face her shoulders shaking
40:35hard kevin can't get out a single word just stares at the floor i spent two years pretending to hate
40:42him because i knew from the start it was wrong but mom i can't keep pretending in the living room
40:48all that's left is mom stifled crying in that moment i finally understand what a price is it
40:53isn't the thrill of getting caught it's watching the person you love most break because of you
41:00for the next two weeks the house is frozen over mom barely speaks to me
41:08not anger the harder kind of silence kevin moves into the study to sleep samir moves up his transfer
41:16to tucson and we agree until the dust settles neither of us crosses a single line it's the penance we
41:23set for
41:24ourselves i think this is how the family splits apart the bomb i planted with my own hands finally
41:33went off but one night going down for water i find mom alone in the kitchen two untouched cups of
41:39tea in
41:40front of her sit
41:45i sit and wait for the verdict when i was 19
41:51i fell for someone everyone said i shouldn't
41:55my mother your grandmother wouldn't speak to me for three years i thought i'd long forgotten that
42:01feeling knowing it in your heart and not being able to tell a soul i'm not giving you my blessing
42:06she looks at me exhaustion struggle and a small loosening i need time kevin needs more this may not
42:16be fixable and you should be ready for that but i won't force you to keep playing i'm fine anymore
42:23my tears come all at once it isn't forgiveness but it's a beginning
42:31in september samir moves out we don't say goodbye in secret in front of mom and kevin he loads the
42:38last box into the car then comes to me and under both their eyes says it plainly i'll wait for
42:45this
42:45family to take its time for you to graduate i won't rush it but i won't pretend none of this
42:50happened
42:50either kevin turns his face away and says nothing but he doesn't stop it mom stands on the porch arms
42:56around himself watching us after a long moment she gives the faint barely perceptible nod the car
43:01pulls away that stolen scalding summer is over but strangely i don't feel the emptiness i expected
43:08because this time his leaving isn't running isn't an ending it's the two of us choosing together the
43:14harder road we can walk in the open i turn to go in mom stops me at the door hesitates
43:21then reaches
43:22out to smooth the hair the wind has must the same gesture exactly as that morning two months ago
43:28except this time neither of us have to pretend anymore
43:34what follows is a long year samir in tucson me at school
43:41we keep it clean almost like we're meeting each other for the first time
43:45calls texts the occasional weekend at a cafe where no one knows us like two ordinary adults finally
43:52doing this right the ice at home melts slowly
43:59kevin gives first one thanksgiving at the table he asks for the first time unprompted
44:07how's samir doing and something starts to seep into mom's silence too
44:13she begins asking if i'm okay and when she asks her eyes are really on me
44:18not every story gets a clean tidy forgiveness our family welded its cracks back together inch by patient
44:25inch some places will always carry the scar
44:31but a scar is proof of healing too
44:37the next summer i graduate
44:44on graduation day mom and kevin are in the audience
44:49and beside them at a respectable distance samir
44:56there is someone who doesn't have to hide anymore
45:02that summer is brutally hot again
45:04i moved to tucson a small apartment a 10 minute walk from samir's place
45:09we don't live together mom said to take it slow and we both agreed
45:16on moving day the ac breaks
45:20i collapse among the boxes dizzy with heat and somehow think of that identical afternoon two years ago
45:27lying in a stifling room hating a man unable to stop pressing my thighs together
45:33i laugh out loud then i pick up my phone and text him my ac's broken over here
45:41minutes later familiar footsteps come up the stairs step by step
45:48the doors unlock he stands in the doorway toolbox in hand gray tank hair soaked at the forehead
45:56identical to the first glimpse of him that summer except this time he isn't the stranger who barged
46:01into my life and took my mother and he isn't the stepbrother i have to pretend to hate where's it
46:05broken
46:08i look at him the man i resisted with two years of pretending and then fought for with all the
46:13honesty i had after and the thing that caught fire in me that scalding summer burns now steady and sure
46:21come here i'll show you
46:26outside the window summer is just beginning
46:29the window summer is just beginning and this time we have all the time in the world
46:35you
46:40outside the window
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