- 9 hours ago
The AC Went Out That Summer
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Short filmTranscript
00:09two years that's how long i've hated my stepbrother samir counting from the day my mom married his
00:16dad 12 years older than me what gave him the right to crash into my life take my mom move
00:22into my house but today the heat's burning through the whole house the ac's dead it's just me and
00:29him up here he crouches at the edge of my bed working the wiring sweat slides down the muscle
00:36of his forearm and i'm pressed into the corner knees clamping tighter and tighter beyond my
00:40control he's supposed to be the person i hate most but the second his sweat soaked back turns
00:45and those eyes land on me charged now with something else something inside me cracks
00:50clean open and god help me i don't want him to stop 98 degrees the ac in my room died
00:59this morning just gave out i hate this house the way it is now anyway i hate the day mom
01:07married
01:07kevin and packed him and his quiet 30 something son into my life
01:14two years now every wrong thing under this roof started that day
01:19too hot to think i've kicked off my shorts a tank strap slipping off my shoulder and flopped back on
01:30the bed to call her
01:40mom my ac's broken i'm melting up here her end is all rattling carts and store announcements
01:47i know i know i'm at the store back soon have your brother look at it
01:51he's coming home for lunch anyway
01:57your brother those two words set me off but my brain won't listen it pulls him up before i can
02:04stop it he does hvac fixes ac lines and pipes all day always slick with sweat last week in the
02:13kitchen
02:13head tipped back chugging ice water his throat working with every swallow
02:19a drop running down his jaw to his collar pine
02:22the muscle in his forearm bunching tight as he cranked a valve
02:26i press my thighs together and hate myself the second i do
02:30i hate him i really do
02:34so what the hell is this
02:37downstairs the front door clicks open
02:39the stairs groan step by step under someone much heavier than me
02:45that's when i remember what i'm wearing
02:48i lunge for the shorts on my chair
02:50too late
02:51the door swings open
02:53samir
02:53work pants
02:55gray tank
02:56soaked through and clean
02:57every line of his chest and stomach
03:00right there
03:01toolbox in hand
03:02the hair at his forehead
03:04damp in strands
03:05i should look away
03:07i don't
03:08my eyes drag down on their own
03:10his slick chest
03:12his tensed forearms
03:13and finally
03:16see something you like
03:17his voice comes out rough
03:18the corner of his mouth tipping up
03:20caught
03:21heat shoots all the way to my ears
03:24i ripped the blanket up over myself
03:27who who's looking at you
03:29don't flatter yourself
03:30he doesn't look away
03:32the smirk only deepens
03:33his throat moves once
03:35the ac
03:37he steps in
03:38drops the toolbox
03:40and looks down at me
03:41curled up small
03:42where is it
03:47over there
03:47i jerk my chin at the unit in the corner
03:49and pull the blanket tighter
03:50he doesn't move right away
03:52first those heavy eyes drag over me
03:54then he comes
03:58the unit sits high on the wall above my headboard
04:01my bed right under it
04:02the room's small
04:04and a man his size only makes it smaller
04:09he takes one look and frowns
04:12get down
04:13why should i
04:14i dig my heels in
04:15though it sounds hollow the moment it's out
04:17two years
04:19and this is all i know how to do with him
04:21bristle
04:22jab
04:22push back
04:24mom remarried
04:25he and kevin moved in
04:26and the house stopped being just hers and mine
04:31i came home for the summer wanting some quiet
04:34and now i share even my breathing room with this stranger
04:39i can dodge him for an afternoon
04:41not for the long line of summers after
04:43he doesn't argue
04:45one knee on the edge of the bed
04:47and he stretches up toward the unit
04:50i shrink into the corner
04:51but the bed's only so big
04:53as he leans
04:54the soaped gray tank brushes my shin
04:56heat
04:57sweat
04:58that sun-warmed smell of him
04:59all of it crashing over me at once
05:01his arm works a screw overhead
05:03the muscle bunching and releasing inches from my face
05:06i hold my breath
05:07i don't dare move
05:08no one's downstairs
05:10mom's still at the store
05:11the whole house is quiet
05:13just my sun-baked bedroom
05:14door shut
05:15sealed off from the rest of the world
05:17the thought sends a hotter prickle up my back
05:19up here
05:20door closed
05:21whatever happens
05:22no one below would know
05:25move over
05:26he says low
05:27his elbow pressing toward me
05:28there's nowhere to go
05:30his hip is against my drawn-up knees
05:32i'm wedged between him and the wall
05:34half of me pressed to his side
05:38i told you i can't get away from you
05:39he says
05:40glancing down
05:41his throat moving
05:42goes both ways
05:46he turns it a few times
05:47swears
05:48says the wiring's fried
05:50the whole thing has to come apart
05:51the minutes crawl
05:53the room's hot enough to swim in
05:54the two of us crammed into this scrap of space
05:57neither one talking
05:57my back's to the wall
05:59half of me against his sweat damp side
06:01the sweat glues us together
06:03skin to skin
06:04impossible to peel apart
06:05i should be disgusted
06:07i'm not
06:07i can feel the muscle in his side tighten with every turn of the screw
06:11that strength soaking through a thin film of sweat into my skin
06:15sinking low in my belly
06:16a picture rises before i can stop it
06:18if that hand weren't reaching for a screw overhead but sliding down my waist instead
06:23i kill the thought my face burns
06:25i hate him
06:26i think of the wedding day
06:28him standing there cold
06:29not even a hello
06:30two years ago i swore i'd never go soft for this man
06:34not once
06:34and right now my thighs are clamping together on their own
06:38the wet heat there is impossible to hide
06:41slick
06:42sticky
06:42mortifying
06:44it's the weather
06:45i lie to myself
06:46that's all
06:46just the heat
06:48irritated
06:48i try to shift
06:49to find room to breathe
06:51my knee moves
06:52and
06:52by accident
06:54grazes the inside of his thigh
06:56his hands stop
06:57the whole room goes still
06:59becca
06:59his voice drops to gravel
07:01it travels straight down my ear into my spine
07:04you'd better not move
07:05i don't listen
07:07my heart's slamming
07:08and something hotter than hate eggs me on
07:10i push out again
07:11elbow digging into his side
07:12on purpose
07:13the next second his free hand clamps down on my waist
07:16a hand big enough to span half of it
07:18too strong to fight
07:19and it hauls me back against him
07:21my gasp jams in my throat
07:22my back hits his scalding sweat damp chest
07:25his heartbeat through two thin layers of cotton
07:27slams into my spine
07:29once
07:29again
07:34what are you doing
07:35i keep my voice down and claw at the arm locked across my waist
07:39it's cast iron
07:40it doesn't give
07:41i should break free
07:43drive an elbow into him
07:44call him a creep bolt downstairs
07:46but my body betrays me
07:48it sinks into him
07:49fitting against every scalding inch of him
07:51i can feel his breathing turn rough
07:54his chest rising and falling at my back
07:58he grunts
07:59my elbow jabbing his stomach and in the scramble
08:01quit it
08:03i won't give in
08:04and i'm even more scared he sees through me
08:06so i open my mouth for another jab
08:08nothing comes out
08:10his free hand lifts and closes around the front of my throat
08:13not hard
08:14but sure
08:16steady
08:16tipping the back of my head into the hollow of his shoulder
08:19every drop of blood in me runs cold
08:21then floods back scalding
08:25two years of fighting
08:27of cutting each other to the bone and he never once touched me
08:31but now his palm cradles my throat
08:33his thumb on the pulse going wild there
08:37and i'm not afraid
08:38being held completely in his hand
08:41helpless in his grip
08:42it turns me to water
08:45i'm in the same hell you are
08:47his mouth is at my ear
08:48his breath hot and horsey
08:50each word brended in
08:51but you
08:52are going
08:53to hold still
08:55his breath fans against the side of my face
08:58no more squirming
08:59no more little whimpers making it worse
09:01the hand on my throat tightens a fraction
09:03you hear me
09:04i try to nod
09:05only then does he ease off
09:07i guilt for air
09:08my heart wild enough to leap out of my chest
09:13for a long stretch i stay curled against him
09:15not daring to move
09:16his arm stays locked around my waist
09:18never once loosening
09:19and his thumb
09:20against the damp curve of my side moves slow
09:22up then down
09:23up then down
09:24every drag of it sends a current sliding down to the small of my back
09:28i clamp my thighs tighter
09:29and it only makes the want sharper
09:32i want more
09:33the thought scares me
09:35that's when
09:36downstairs the front door clicks open
09:38hello
09:39becca
09:41did your brother go off to fix your AC
09:44no
09:44no he didn't
09:45i call down
09:46forcing my voice into its usual annoyance
09:48he's probably off slacking somewhere again
09:50a beat of quiet below
09:52let me come up and look at it
09:53you can't sit in this heat
09:55the staircase creaks
09:56taking mom's weight
09:57one step
09:58my blood goes to ice
10:00i claw at his arm
10:04let go
10:05she's coming up
10:05let go of me
10:07he doesn't
10:07worse
10:08the hand that's been resting at my waist
10:11slides painfully slow down the line of my hip
10:13over my stomach
10:15over the dip of my hip bone
10:16lower still until it settles squarely over me
10:18through the thin fabric already soaked with sweat and something else
10:21my whole body bows tight
10:23a sharp high sound rushes up my throat
10:25i bite down on my lip and swallow it
10:26second stare
10:27creak
10:28he bends his head nose against my scalding ear
10:30and through the soaked fabric his palm grinds down on me
10:33not soft not hard
10:35once
10:37soaked like this
10:39and still lying that no one came up
10:41he breathes
10:42low and filthy
10:45samir
10:45it comes out a plea
10:47my voice in pieces
10:48please
10:49my mom
10:50his thumb presses again
10:51dragging a winner out of me before i can swallow it
10:53the hand doesn't move from where it is
10:55scared now
10:55third step
10:56mom's voice is closer
10:58becca
10:58why is the door locked from the inside
11:00he looks down at me
11:02held completely in his hand
11:04every breath a luxury now
11:05his eyes lit with something that makes me dizzy
11:08he leans to my ear
11:09word by word
11:11so how about
11:12you let your mom
11:14see exactly what you look like
11:16right now
11:26becca
11:27why is this locked from the inside
11:32his palm is still on me
11:33grinding in that slow
11:34punishing way
11:35that has me shaking all over
11:37his breath brushes my ear
11:39answer her
11:41i'm changing
11:42i call out
11:43my voice in pieces
11:45it's too hot
11:46i'm not dressed
11:47don't come in mom
11:48god this heat
11:50hurry up then
11:51come down and eat
11:52i got sandwiches
11:52and cold pasta salad
11:55step by step
11:56the stairs let her go
11:57soon there's the rustle of plastic bags
11:59the fridge opening and closing
12:01the threat ebbs
12:03i slump back against him
12:04ringed out
12:05gulping air
12:05furious and humiliated
12:07my eyes burning
12:08you're insane
12:08you actually would have
12:10he doesn't answer
12:11and he doesn't do what i expect
12:13doesn't let go and retreat behind the wall we've spent two years building
12:16he just holds me
12:17chin on my shoulder
12:18silent for a long time
12:20long enough that i can hear the fridge humming downstairs
12:23then he says it
12:24low without a trace of his usual sneer
12:27i don't want to let go
12:30i go rigid
12:31i twist around to look at him
12:33two years
12:35and i know every cruel thing he's ever said to me
12:38this wasn't a joke
12:39not even close
12:44we stay frozen like that
12:45downstairs
12:46mom's putting groceries away
12:48humming something tuneless
12:50the ac's still dead
12:52the heat lying thick on my skin
12:53but the heat running through me
12:56stopped being the weather a while ago
12:58i've been locked against him too long
13:00wound too tight
13:02now my lower back and the tops of my thighs start to cramp
13:05a deep dragging ache
13:06like the heaviness before my period
13:08i shift in small movements
13:10trying to work it loose
13:11don't move
13:12he says
13:13low
13:13but it's not his usual impatience
13:16it's horsey
13:18careful
13:19something i've never heard from him
13:21i shift again
13:23can't help it
13:24a small noun escapes
13:27both his thumbs have come to rest on the outsides of my thighs
13:30kneading slow
13:31back and forth
13:32the touch lifts every hair on me
13:34but the ache is worse
13:35i bite my lip and admit it
13:38my lower back
13:40and where my legs meet
13:41tense too long
13:42it aches
13:43i want to stretch
13:45but you're pinning me
13:46i can't move
13:49his hands pause on my legs
13:53bring your knees
13:55his voice drops lower
13:57up onto the bed
14:01i twist around to glare at him
14:03red-faced and lost
14:05neil
14:06neil
14:07how
14:07he pats the narrow space along his thighs
14:10feet here
14:12then taps the mattress in front of me
14:14knees here
14:16when it hits me what he's asking
14:17my face goes up in flames
14:18but the ache is unbearable
14:20and somehow i do it
14:21his hands settle on my hips
14:22and guide me forward
14:23easing my feet up one at a time
14:25knees spreading
14:25by the time i catch up
14:27i'm straddling his lap with my back to him
14:28a position so shameful my toes curl
14:30lean back
14:32he draws me against his chest
14:35head
14:37back on my shoulder
14:38my throat's dry
14:38and i obey without knowing why
14:40the back of my head finds the hollow of his shoulder
14:42my whole spine rising and falling
14:45against his scalding sweat damp chest
14:47his hands lock on my hips
14:48and slowly he bears down
14:49lifting my lower body
14:50arching it back into a deep bow
14:52inch by inch my whole torso pulls open
14:55the ache i've held for so long
14:56lets go all at once
14:57so good my eyes well up
14:59a long moan slips out before i can stop it
15:06he curses low behind my ear
15:08his nose bearing into the side of my neck
15:10dragging once
15:11hard
15:12his breathing goes racked
15:13his hands press in harder
15:15deepening the arch
15:16once
15:16twice
15:17open
15:18release
15:18each one melts the ache into something else
15:20burning up from the base of my spine
15:24we hold it for almost a minute
15:25before the arms carrying me start to shake
15:29i'm smaller than him
15:30but i'm no slip of a girl
15:33holding me up in midair like this
15:35would wear anyone down
15:37i'm better now
15:38i'm better now
15:39a lie
15:39my face burns
15:40he grunts and lowers me back onto his lap
15:43but his hands don't leave my hips
15:44i know exactly what it means
15:46still straddling him back turned
15:48and for some reason neither of us moves to fix it
15:51two years of fighting
15:52and this is the longest we've ever sat together without tearing each other apart
15:56that alone unsettles me
15:58thanks
15:58i say it at last
16:00barely a whisper
16:01he hums
16:03the stubble on his jaw drags across my cheek with it
16:06and a fine melting tingle races up my spine
16:08i know i have to push it down
16:10pretend i didn't feel it
16:13downstairs mom's still busy in the kitchen
16:15humming off key
16:16his long fingers
16:17in time with every breath i take
16:20slowly tighten on my hips
16:22the heavy ache starts pulsing back
16:24i can't help squirming
16:26still hurts
16:30sorry
16:31he hesitates
16:32then his hands come slowly around from my sides to the front of me
16:35drop your back down
16:39the rasp in his voice impossible to hide now
16:41lift your hips a little
16:45he pushes my tank up and slides both hands into my shorts
16:48his squirting thumbs find the two aching knots at the base of my spine and press in
16:52steady
16:53grinding down in slow circles
16:55my lips tremble
16:56i suck in a breath
16:57and a moan i can't hold pills out
16:59his thumbs circle
17:00leaning in harder
17:01grinding the stiff ache loose inch by inch
17:03i clamp down on my tongue
17:05downstairs the tap is running
17:06mom washing the produce
17:07please god she heard nothing
17:09he stills for a few seconds
17:11then he knees deeper
17:12faster
17:13his hands spreading wider
17:14outward
17:15downward
17:15my hips move with his rhythm on their own
17:17his thumbs are too close enough to turn me to water in that place with every circle of his hands
17:22betrays me getting hotter and hotter
17:26his name comes out wrecked soft and clinging pleasure spreads in waves from where his fingers press melting every ache
17:33out of me i bite my lips between my teeth and strangle the next moan in my throat terrified they'll
17:38hear downstairs below the water surges louder and mom calls up
17:43just a few more minutes
17:45drowning out every sound
17:47drowning out every sound i don't dare make and under that cover his hands the slides one inch lower
17:53his breathing changes too especially the moment he buries his face in the curve of my neck lips against my
17:58skin every hair on my nace stands up my whole spine shivers with that melting tingle then suddenly pulls his
18:03hands out of my shorts a small lost whimper leaks out of me before i can stop it the next
18:07second i want to disappear into the floor god he was just being decent for once working out a cramp
18:13and there i was panting and windering under his hands making those sounds i must have scared him off
18:19the silence stretches my heart still pounding over his hands over the mouth he'd press to my neck i get
18:27ready to pull away ready to say something ugly and that's when samir's fingers hook the edge of my shorts
18:33and tug one inch down his warm mouth grazes my ear good girl he breathes low and rough lift your
18:42hips for me again
18:45good girl lift your hips for me again the words land somewhere deep inside me i squeeze my eyes shut
18:52trying to quiet my racing heart and instead i just obey lifting my hips shaking
19:00downstairs mom's voice suddenly rises it hits like a bucket of ice water over my head samir goes rigid and
19:12i snap awake
19:13what am i doing my mom just got home she's right downstairs and here i am in my own room
19:18straddling my stepbrother lifting my hips because he told me to shame torches through me i shove his hands off
19:25scramble off his lap yank my shorts up not daring to look back
19:28i i'm i'm going down becca he says behind me i don't stop but just before i pull the door
19:33open i look back at him after all he's on the wrecked bed chest heaving hair soaked eyes burning into
19:39me not a trace of the usual sneer just something scorching cut off mid-breath
19:44i flee straight down the stairs i don't taste a single bite of that lunch across from me mom rattles
19:54on the store had a sale the neighbor's news why is your brother so quiet today i murmur back my
20:02whole heart still stuck in that burning room upstairs
20:05samir sits at the other end eating with his head down silent but i can feel it every time mom
20:11looks away his eyes land on me heavy hot enough that i can barely hold my fork
20:18oh i have to go help your aunt move some things this afternoon she's swamped becca you rest at home
20:22okay
20:24samir you're home this afternoon if the ac's still not fixed call someone don't let your sister roast
20:30my grip on the fork jumps afternoon house just the two of us my head snaps up right into his
20:36eyes looking at
20:37me past my mother he says nothing just the faintest tip of his mouth aimed at me and the string
20:43in me that
20:43just snap pulls tight again humming the second mom's out the door the house goes so quiet there's
20:52nothing left but my own heartbeat i shut myself in my room back to the door telling myself i'm going
21:00nowhere and opening for no one this morning's madness never happened i hate him i have to remember i hate
21:07him but my body won't obey just remembering the heat of his palm that good girl and my legs start
21:15to
21:15give again the stairs crack step by step taking the weight i can't escape the footsteps stop outside my
21:23door open up his voice comes through the wood low rough leaving no room to refuse
21:31no i brace against the door but my voice is laughably thin go away i hate you
21:39a beat of silence outside
21:43becca his voice drops to almost nothing each word like it's spoken against my ear
21:48the way you look this morning didn't look like hate my face goes up in flames my heart slamming till
21:55it
21:55aches i stare at my own hand on the lock watch it beyond my control slowly turn it open
22:08the instant the door gives he's through it
22:12i step back he steps in and in three strides he's backs me into the corner
22:18one hand braced on the wall by my head caging me between him and the plaster
22:24heat sweat that scent that's only his everywhere
22:31what you didn't finish saying this morning he bends down nose nearly to mine his breath
22:36scalding say it now say say what whether you hate me he cuts me off
22:43a certainty in his voice that lifts every hair on me look at me and say it
22:51i lift my eyes to his two years of resentment every i'm fine i ever fed my mother and this
22:57morning's surrender i die before admitting all of it jams in my throat the word comes out shaking
23:02apart i he waits eyes locked on me without a blink the hand on the wall corded with tension
23:07i close my eyes and let it go the truth i've held for two years and the last of my
23:12dignity with it
23:13i don't know i hear my own voice tremble i just know don't let go again his breath catches
23:20the next second he's kissing me pressing me into the wall
23:26that guy forgot my keys are they on the entry table we both freeze his mouth still on mine my
23:33fists still in his tank both of us breathing hard chest against rising chest
23:39one wall and one staircase away my mother's ordinary afternoon voice knowing nothing
23:45it cracks through me like thunder jolting me out of the heat that was about to swallow me whole
23:50i shove him off frantically fixing my clothes and my breath
23:54my voice shaking as i call down they're they're on the entry table just grab them mom
24:00got him okay i'm off
24:04the whole house sinks back into scalding silence i lean against the wall legs too weak to hold me
24:10and look up at him he's looking back and what's churning in his eyes burns hotter than the 98 degree
24:16day neither of us says a word but we both know that near miss one wall away didn't put us
24:23out
24:24it lit something for good the summer's only just begun
24:29and this door of mine will never quite shut again
24:35that night at dinner i can barely sit still the ac finally got fixed that afternoon the four of us
24:41around the table mom on my left busy topping off everyone's plate kevin across from me head down
24:46over his food and samir right at my side on the surface everything's normal mom rattles on about
24:51the neighbors kevin grunts now and then some dull revoi playing in the background i stare at my plate
24:56trying to look like i have at every meal for two years at war with the stepbrother beside me too
25:00disdainful to spare him a glance but under the tablecloth it's another world his hand has settled
25:05on my knee my fork stops in mid-air i try to brush him off without a flicker on my
25:09face he doesn't budge
25:10his palm is hot enough to feel through my dress slowly he slides it an inch up my thigh oh
25:17mom speaks up
25:19and i nearly come out of my chair is the ac all sorted did your brother do okay up there
25:24in that
25:24exact second his hand climbs another half inch stops high on my thigh and presses down with meaning
25:29like he knows precisely what he's doing to me i grip my fork and force my voice flat as dead
25:34water
25:36it's fine passable passable samir's coughs beside me cold as if we're actually fighting not even
25:43turning his head still as ungrateful as ever above the table we're still the step siblings who can't
25:48share a room beneath it his thumb grinds slow circles into the inside of my thigh through the
25:53dress i stab at something and shove it in my mouth without tasting it my face is burning i gulp
26:00water to put it out but my throat's bone dry i set down my fork my voice unsteady mom i'll
26:07go get
26:07something to drink i'm practically fleeing as i stand and as i turn for the kitchen i see it clearly
26:14samir in no hurry at all setting down his fork too a half wall counter separates the kitchen from the
26:22dining room back to the doorway i grip the counter shut my eyes and breathe deep trying to push down
26:29the heat in my face and the chaos in my chest behind me the floor gives the fladest creek before
26:35i can
26:35turn two hands brace the counter's edge caging me between him and the counter his chest against my back
26:42his chin on my shoulder his voice barely there breath brushing my ear running from what you're
26:49insane i grip the counter hardly daring to make a sound right there one ball away i know he laughs
26:56low the vibration traveling down my spine into me he touches nothing else just drags his nose painfully
27:02slow over the skin behind my ear so you'll have to hold it in same as under the table just
27:07now every
27:08drop of blood in me rushes to my face from the living room the tv the on and off murmur
27:13of mom
27:14and kevin drifts over clear as day close enough that one lifted head one turn my breath shakes
27:22he leans closer pressing me into the cold counter's edge his voice full of knowing amusement
27:29shaking like this are you scared of getting caught
27:34he pauses we're scared i'll stop i can't answer because i don't have an answer to either
27:41from the dining room comes the scrape of a chair leg on the floor
27:47mom calls the drinks are on the bottom shelf of the fridge can't you find them we both go still
27:55found found them i blurred it squeezing out from between him and the counter
27:59yanking open the bottom shelf grabbing two sparkling waters at random only when the cold bottles hit
28:05my scalding palms do i get a sliver of my mind back
28:10samir steps back unhurried and pulls a beer from the fridge as if he weren't the one who just had
28:17me print to the counter i carry the water back to the table my legs still unsteady but this time
28:25mom doesn't pick her chatter back up she sets down her forks and look between me and samir
28:32from my flushed face to the faint mark on the side of his neck i only now notices
28:37left there at some point i can't place you too she says slowly her tone impossible to read
28:42why aren't you fighting today the air locks kevin looks up too my heart pounds in my ears two years
28:50and we've never had a quiet meal at this table today's silence is the biggest tell of all fight
28:54about what samir says at first flat as if he's remarking on the weather can't be bothered with her
29:03exactly i jump in chin up packing every ounce of panic into the familiar jab like i'd want to talk
29:09to
29:09him mom watches us for a long time then she smiles and picks her fork back up good we're family
29:21no need
29:22to be at each other's throats all the time but the moment she looks down i catch kevin's eyes he
29:28says
29:28nothing just lingers a thoughtful second on that faint mark on his son's neck under the table samir's knee
29:34bumps mine very lightly as if to say careful and also this isn't over that night i can't sleep
29:43turning over and over not just from the unspent restlessness humming under my skin all night
29:49from mom's look at the table and kevin's one second pause two fine needles in the softest part of my
29:56chest i start thinking things i've never let myself think
30:01what if we get caught
30:07to marry kevin mom rebuilt her whole life from when i was 16. sold the old house moved to this
30:13strange
30:14city learned at 40 to be a newlywed again so carefully she tried to weld two families into one home
30:21and here i am planting a bomb under it in the most unforgivable way there is
30:27i hate samir that's what i've told myself and told my mother for two years now i finally see it
30:35that hate was laced with something else from the start
30:41i hated him barging in because i couldn't stop looking at him i went toe to toe with him because
30:48it was the only way i dared get close i dressed up my wanting as loathing and kept it up
30:53for two whole
30:54years until i nearly believed it myself in the hall the floor creaks
31:01my doorknob turns very lightly locked then a small folded note slides in under the door
31:12barefoot i slip off the bed pick it up unfold it in the moonlight
31:21samir's handwriting one line they're both out tomorrow all day i hold the note standing on the
31:28cold floor my heart nearly bursting through my chest outside not a breath of summer wind
31:36and i know perfectly clearly tomorrow i won't lock the door by early the next morning the house is
31:44empty mom and kevin head out with their bags to help my aunt move on the way mom pokes her
31:49head
31:49up the stairs sort out your own lunch there's food in the fridge then the garage door rumbles down
31:55and the engine fades then the whole house is quiet enough that all that's left is my own breathing
32:02i don't lock the door i lie on the bed staring at the ceiling and hear his door open downstairs
32:11footsteps step by step climbing slow stopping outside mine the knob turns it opens samir stands in the
32:20doorway backlit by the window and looks at me a long time neither of us speaks two years of friction
32:27motion last night's note the empty house silence all of it pressed into these few steps between us
32:35come here i hear myself say it soft but without a shred of hesitation
32:44he crosses to me sits on the end of the bed and tucks a damp strand of hair behind my
32:49ear
32:51a gesture too gentle to be his i thought about it all night i look at him and finish the
32:57sentence i've
32:58hidden for two years i don't hate you i never really did his throat works he leans down forehead to
33:08mine
33:09our breaths tangling same his voice is almost too hosky to hear from the day you stood at that wedding
33:19at 16 and glared at me i was done for he kisses me
33:26this time there are no footsteps below no voice about to call us no threat waiting to puncture everything
33:33just a room full of summer light and two people who don't have to pretend anymore the camera holds
33:40outside the drawn curtains for the next few days we live inside a stolen scalding bubble
33:47by day the parents are at work and the house is ours but the sweeter it gets the tighter the
33:52string in
33:53me pulls because i know this bubble is borrowed and sooner or later it comes due the faint mark on
33:59samir's neck fades and a new one takes its place he keeps saying it's fine but i start checking his
34:04collar before every meal without thinking and checking my own face we relearn how to bicker at the table
34:12except now every jab is a code only the two of us can read
34:18the change starts on a saturday mom suddenly doesn't go in she sits on the living room couch
34:24watching samir and me come down the stairs one after the other something in her eyes i can't read
34:32becca she pats the seat beside her sit keep me company a minute samir's step hitches almost
34:39imperceptibly before he keeps going toward the kitchen i sit my heart's going wild
34:51i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't
34:51know
34:51mom takes my hand her voice light but every word a hundred pounds is something weighing on you
35:01half the blood drains out of me no i manage a smile what would i have on my mind mom
35:07looks
35:07at me a long time then lets out a soft sigh when you were 16 i moved us here and
35:11you hated me for a
35:12long time her eyes drift to the window i know for my own happiness i pulled you up by the
35:18roots from
35:18everything familiar dropped you into a strange house gave you a strange brother
35:26all these years i felt i owed you my throat tightens i can't speak i just want you to be
35:32happy becca
35:33she turns back her eyes shining really happy not the put on i'm fine you show me in that instant
35:42i
35:42almost tell her everything almost lay it all out two years of pretending these scalding few days the
35:48knot of joy and fear tangled in my chest but i look at that careful light in her eyes the
35:54light of a
35:54woman who gave everything for this family and i swallow the words i'm happy mom i hug her bury my
36:08face in her shoulder my voice shaking really at the foot of the stairs samir stair stands holding two
36:17glasses of water motionless he heard he heard all of it that night another note slides under my door
36:35this one is four words we need to talk
36:44we meet in the garage out back the one place in this house the parents won't think of and can't
36:51hear this can't keep going or it'll blow up samir leans against the workbench his voice heavy your face
36:57today your mom will see through it sooner or later so what do you want to do i cross my
37:01arms my voice
37:02sharp even as my heart drops i don't know for once he looks at a loss dragging a hand down
37:11his face i
37:12just know i don't want to keep you hidden turn you into some secret that can't see daylight you shouldn't
37:19have to be that i freeze but what can we do my voice trembles tell them becca and samir the
37:25step
37:25siblings are together picture my mom's face she welded two families into one home and it cost her
37:32everything one sentence from us and it all shatters the garage goes quiet only the light overhead buzzing
37:40what if he says suddenly looking at me his eyes frighteningly serious we weren't step siblings what
37:47do you mean in september i start the project out in tucson my own place my own life word by
37:56word
37:56i won't live in this house anymore we won't be siblings under one roof once the dust settles once
38:05you graduate too we can start over as something we don't have to hide i look at him my heart
38:11aching
38:11with each beat it's the first time i realize he isn't after this stolen summer he's after the after
38:22but some things don't wait for you to be ready
38:26it's a tuesday evening i think the house is empty and come out of the bathroom and nothing but a
38:32towel
38:33and there's samir waiting in the hall he backs me to the wall forehead to mine
38:38both of us grinning like kids who swiped candy neither of us hear kevin's car home early below or his
38:47footsteps on the stairs
38:55samir the instant his father's voice sounds from the end of the hall the whole world stops
39:01we spring apart too late kevin stands at the top of the stairs looking at his son half wrapped around
39:08me in a towel his son's hand still at my waist and his face freezes then breaks inch by inch
39:15what
39:18are you two doing no music to cover it
39:24no door to block it no excuse that holds this time we're truly seen
39:35that night is the longest of my life kevin calls mom home the four of us sit in the living
39:41room under
39:42a harsh white light mom's face goes from confusion to disbelief to something i'll never forget heartbreak
39:52how long mom i asked how long
40:00this summer samir speaks first stepping in front of me as if to shield me
40:07i started it blame me no
40:13i grab his hand my voice shaking but holding not just him us
40:20mom i know this is hard to take we're not blood but we became siblings inside your marriage to kevin
40:29i know how absurd that is how much it hurts
40:32mom covers her face her shoulders shaking hard kevin can't get out a single word just stares at the
40:39floor i spent two years pretending to hate him because i knew from the start it was wrong
40:45but mom i can't keep pretending in the living room all that's left is mom stifled crying in that moment
40:51i finally understand what a price is it isn't the thrill of getting caught it's watching the person you
40:56love most break because of you
41:01for the next two weeks the house is frozen over mom barely speaks to me
41:08not anger the harder kind of silence kevin moves into the study to sleep samir moves up his transfer to
41:16tucson and we agree until the dust settles neither of us crosses a single line it's the penance we
41:23set for ourselves i think this is how the family splits apart the bomb i planted with my own hands
41:33finally went off but one night going down for water i find mom alone in the kitchen two untouched
41:39cups of tea in front of her sit i sit and wait for the verdict when i was 19 i
41:52fell for someone
41:53everyone said i shouldn't my mother your grandmother wouldn't speak to me for three years i thought i'd
42:00long forgotten that feeling knowing it in your heart and not being able to tell a soul i'm not
42:05giving you my blessing she looks at me exhaustion struggle and a small loosening i need time kevin
42:14needs more this may not be fixable and you should be ready for that but i won't force you to
42:21keep
42:21playing i'm fine anymore my tears come all at once it isn't forgiveness but it's a beginning
42:31in september samir moves out we don't say goodbye in secret in front of mom and kevin he loads the
42:38last box into the car then comes to me and under both their eyes says it plainly i'll wait for
42:45this
42:45family to take its time for you to graduate i won't rush it but i won't pretend none of this
42:50happened
42:50either kevin turns his face away and says nothing but he doesn't stop it mom stands on the porch arms
42:56around himself watching us after a long moment she gives the faint barely perceptible nod the car
43:01pulls away that stolen scalding summer is over but strangely i don't feel the emptiness i expected
43:08because this time his leaving isn't running isn't an ending it's the two of us choosing together the
43:14harder road we can walk in the open i turn to go in mom stops me at the door hesitates
43:21then reaches
43:22out to smooth the hair the wind has must the same gesture exactly as that morning two months ago
43:28except this time neither of us have to pretend anymore
43:34what follows is a long year samir in tucson me at school
43:41we keep it clean almost like we're meeting each other for the first time
43:45calls texts the occasional weekend at a cafe where no one knows us like two ordinary adults finally
43:52doing this right the ice at home melts slowly
44:00kevin gives first one thanksgiving at the table he asks for the first time unprompted
44:07how's samir doing and something starts to seep into mom's silence too
44:13she begins asking if i'm okay and when she asks her eyes are really on me
44:18not every story gets a clean tidy forgiveness our family welded its cracks back together inch by patient
44:25inch some places will always carry the scar
44:31but a scar is proof of healing too
44:37the next summer i graduate
44:44on graduation day mom and kevin are in the audience
44:49and beside them at a respectable distance samir
44:57there is someone who doesn't have to hide anymore
45:02that summer is brutally hot again i moved to tucson a small apartment a 10 minute walk from samir's place
45:10we don't live together mom said to take it slow and we both agreed
45:16on moving day the ac breaks
45:20i collapse among the boxes dizzy with heat and somehow think of that identical afternoon two years ago
45:27lying in a stifling room hating a man unable to stop pressing my thighs together
45:33i laugh out loud then i pick up my phone and text him my ac's broken over here
45:41minutes later familiar footsteps come up the stairs step by step
45:49the doors unlock he stands in the doorway toolbox in hand gray tank hair soaked at the forehead
45:56identical to the first glimpse of him that summer except this time he isn't the stranger who barged
46:01into my life and took my mother and he isn't the stepbrother i have to pretend to hate where's it
46:06broken
46:09i look at him the man i resisted with two years of pretending and then fought for with all the
46:13honesty i had after and the thing that caught fire in me that scalding summer burns now steady and sure
46:21come here i'll show you
46:26outside the window summer is just beginning
46:31and this time we have all the time in the world
46:35you
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