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Short filmTranscript
00:00He did not sleep that night. The chair he pulled up to my bed was leather and too small. He
00:05folded himself into it anyway. He held my left hand inside both of his, and watched the heart monitor as
00:11if it might lie if he looked away. Sometime around 3 a.m., I pretended to be asleep, just to
00:17see what he would do. He stood up. He walked to the window. He looked out at the East River
00:22for 10 minutes. He turned back. He stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise and
00:27fall, counting.
00:29With the precision of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac. Then he came back to
00:33the chair. He leaned in. He pressed his lips, very lightly, to the inside of my wrist where the ivy
00:39line went in. He whispered into my skin.
00:56I am sorry I did not come sooner.
01:01When?
01:05You were awake.
01:07Sooner when, Damien?
01:14Eight years ago.
01:16When?
01:17The night you came home from grad school for the holiday. You laughed at something Preston said about a sample
01:22I had never heard of. I went home and painted 700 Nassaville on a wall. And decided I would wait.
01:31I should have come for you that night.
01:34Damien.
01:36I would have, if I had known how it would end.
01:40He looked at the signet on my fourth finger.
01:43I bought this a long time ago.
01:46This ring?
01:48This ring.
01:50For me?
01:51For the day I stopped waiting.
01:56I waited far longer than I should have.
01:58I am not waiting an hour longer than I have to.
02:01Damien.
02:02Hmm.
02:04What are you telling me?
02:06He met my eyes.
02:12I am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise.
02:16When you walk out of this hospital, you walk into my house.
02:24And you do not walk out of it again unless I am holding the door.
02:31The next person who tries to take you from me will spend the rest of his life regretting it.
02:36The next person who tries to take you from me will spend the rest of his life regretting it.
03:01Discharge day.
03:02Damien did not let a nurse touch me.
03:04He sent the wheelchair away.
03:06He sent the orderly away.
03:08He scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees and one behind my shoulders and carried
03:12me.
03:12Slowly.
03:13The length of the corridor to the elevator.
03:15I had walked.
03:17By then.
03:18The length of that corridor on my own three times.
03:20I did not need to be carried.
03:22I did not object.
03:24The elevator opened in the underground garage.
03:27A black idled.
03:28He set me down only long enough to open the door.
03:30And then he lifted me again into the back seat as if the act of placing me there himself was
03:34something he could not delegate.
03:36Garcia.
03:36In the front passenger's seat.
03:38Did not turn around.
03:39The pulled out.
03:40Damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown.
03:54I bought the building.
03:56Which building?
03:58My building.
03:59I own the penthouse.
04:00I bought the rest of it last month.
04:01All of it?
04:02All of it.
04:04Why?
04:06I did not want strangers across a wall from you.
04:12Damien.
04:16The other residents have been compensated above market.
04:19They had 90 days to relocate.
04:21The last unit cleared on Friday.
04:23The building is empty except for the staff I vetted.
04:26And the floor I am going to put your father on if he wants it.
04:30My father has a house.
04:31He has a house.
04:32He may also have the 8th floor.
04:35Damien.
04:36You are being excessive.
04:39I am told I am being excessive.
04:43He brought my hand to his mouth.
04:45Tell me to stop.
04:46I am not telling you to stop.
04:49I can't bear to.
04:52The pulled into the garage.
04:57He carried me into the elevator.
04:59The doors opened directly into his foyer, into the wall of painted narcissus, and he set
05:04me down in front of it.
05:05there was some room.
05:11There is the door on the wall.
05:12I looked.
05:14A second wall.
05:15Opposite the first.
05:17Had been painted in my absence.
05:19Coors.
05:19The Shaps of Ice Coors.
05:21Thirteen of them.
05:22One for every site I had drilled in seven years.
05:25labeled in white paint in my own handwriting which had been copied line for line from
05:30photographs of the field journal reagan had stolen i could not speak
05:41i commissioned it in march the artist worked from your notebooks i had the originals returned from
05:47the federal evidence locker on a temporary basis they are now back in the locker damien
05:53the paintings are yours welcome home sloan the first week in his apartment i learned how he had
05:59been loving me for a long time i learned it in small pieces the way a person learns the contents
06:04of a house they have moved into without at all a bookshelf in the library held every paper i had
06:08ever published even the undergraduate ones even the conference posters bound in matching cloth
06:13and arranged in chronological order a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's recipe for soda bread
06:18hand copied from her handwriting onto a card he had laminated a folder in his study kept in a drawer
06:24he did not lock contained years of photographs of me clipped from family christmas cards and
06:28university newsletters and the society pages i found the folder on the sixth day i did not tell
06:35him i had found it i sat on the floor of his study and turned through the photographs in order
06:39and at
06:39the back of the folder i found a single envelope sealed addressed to me in his handwriting and dated
06:44a long time ago i almost opened it i did not i left it where it was that night at
06:49dinner i asked
06:50him the letter in the back of the folder he set his fork down he did not pretend to misunderstand
06:56you found it what is it it is what i would have said to you that night if i had
07:01come for you instead
07:02of painting the wall you kept it i kept everything damien i have kept the napkin you wrote your phone
07:10number on when you were 11 i have kept the wrapper of the chocolate you split with me at your
07:14sister's
07:14christensen i have kept the program of every recital your mother dragged us to i have kept the cockscrew
07:19you used to open the wine at your graduation dinner i have kept the boarding pass you gave me when
07:23you
07:23came back from iceland the year you turned 23 and asked if i would pick you up from jf because
07:28your
07:28boyfriend had forgotten he met my eyes i have kept all of it because i had to keep something i
07:34set my
07:34forked down too how many marriages did your mother arrange for you three you refused all three i
07:42refused all three for me sloan everything i have ever refused i refused for you his mother came on
07:51tuesday she had not in the seven years i dated preston sent me so much as a holiday card she
07:57came
07:57now with a bouquet of pale pink peonies and a smile that did not reach her eyes and she sat
08:02across from
08:03me in damien's living room with the careful posture of a woman conducting a negotiation she
08:07expected to win damien stood by the window he did not sit he did not greet his mother sloan and
08:13dear
08:14i came to welcome you mrs crane i imagine all of this has been very overwhelming the hospital the press
08:19my son's enthusiasm his enthusiasm he has always been intense particularly about the things he has
08:25wanted for a long time i wonder if you have considered my dear whether intensity about this stage
08:30in your recovery is perhaps what you need by the window damien turned he did not raise his voice
08:35mother damien you have 10 seconds to walk out of this apartment
08:41damien i am only eight seconds you will not speak to me six seconds the peonies untouched on the coffee
08:50table trembled with the vibration of the elevator returning to the foyer she rose she gathered her coat
08:56she looked at me with the same smile pulled tight across her face my dear when this novelty passes
09:02two seconds she left the elevator doors closed damien did not move for a long moment then he
09:07crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair where i was sitting he took both my hands sloan
09:14damien my mother will not be in this apartment again damien she's your mother my mother spent a
09:19long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard enough she introduced me to 14 women whose
09:22family is my last name she told my father at one point that i was an embarrassment to the family
09:26for refusing to marry she does not get to walk in here now and call you a novelty there is
09:30no version
09:31of this where you are second to anyone sloan not my mother not the company not the past he pressed
09:38my
09:38knuckles to his mouth not for the rest of my life he visited preston in prison on a wednesday i
09:45did not
09:46know he had gone until he came home and sat across from me at the kitchen island and poured himself
09:50a
09:50glass of whiskey and told me i went to see marsh today damien i had to why
09:59i wanted him to see my face he turned the glass in his fingers he has been telling himself since
10:05the hearing that what happened to him was the system that the audit broke him that the federal
10:09prosecutor broke him that the press broke him i wanted him to know it was a man what did you
10:15say to
10:16him i sat across a steel table from her 14 minutes i didn't speak for the first 10 he waited
10:21he was the
10:22broke he asked me what i wanted i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what he had done
10:27that he had touched a woman i had loved for a long time that he had taken seven years of
10:32her life and
10:32gambled them on a press release that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her family would
10:37clean it up i told him that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to understand was
10:41that there had never been a moment in all the time he had known her when she was unprotected i
10:45told him that
10:46only because you had asked me not to make a different decision he drank he cried damien
10:52i did not enjoy it did you not he set down the glass i enjoyed every second of it i'm
10:59not going
10:59to pretend otherwise i sat across from a man who had hurt you and i watched him understand for the
11:04first time that he had been a small animal stepping on the tail of a much larger one he came
11:08around the
11:09island he stopped in front of me he cupped the back of my neck the way he had cupped my
11:13skull in the
11:14tent that is what i am sloan with respect to you i am the much larger animal i will be
11:21that animal for
11:21the rest of your life for any person who looks at you sideways i am not going to pretend to
11:25be a
11:25different one tell me you understand i understand he pressed his forehead to mine good reagan called
11:34the apartment on a thursday she had been told by every lawyer involved not to the no contact clause
11:40was in effect she called anyway through the main line of crane industries asking to be put through
11:46to me by name the receptionist forwarded the call to garcia garcia forwarded it to damien damien
11:51answered on speaker in front of me at the kitchen island miss snow master crane i am calling because
12:00you are calling because your book deal collapsed your father's foundation has been quietly delisted
12:05from three donor circles in the last six weeks your fiance's family has rescinded the engagement
12:10your apartment lease is not being renewed and you have correctly disduced that all of this is
12:15connected silence it is connected mr crane i would like you to listen to me very carefully miss snow
12:22the reason your life is currently coming apart is not because i am vindictive i am perfectly capable of
12:28vindictiveness i have not yet been vindictive with you the reason your life is coming apart is because
12:33the woman whose career you tried to take whose data you stole and whose recording i played in front
12:38of you in a tent at minus 31 asked me three months ago to leave you alone i have honored
12:43that request
12:46i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to honor it it turns out there
12:52are a
12:52great number of those people they are removing you on their own from the rooms they control the book
12:58editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloan's the donor coordinator at your father's
13:02foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago your fiance's mother has been on the board of
13:06the whitfield climate initiative since 2011 they are not retaliating the snow they are simply choosing
13:12mr crane please i am not the one you should be asking miss snow he ended the call he set
13:18down the
13:18phone he looked at me she will call again she will eventually call you she might i would like permission
13:26when she does to make a small adjustment to her circumstances what adjustment a federal investigation
13:31currently dormant into the source of the wire that funded her original internship damien i will only
13:37act if you tell me to i looked at him for a long moment i did not tell him to
13:41i also did not tell him
13:42not to he read my face he nodded once he poured me a cup of tea the nights were the
13:48hardest i had not
13:49in seven years with preston slept poorly i had slept on his couches and in his tents and across his
13:55shoulders on long flights and i had slept the way a person who believed in the structure of her life
14:00slept the structure was gone now the nights showed it i did not tell damien he noticed anyway he noticed
14:07on the fourth night when he came up to bring me a book i had asked for and found me
14:11sitting on the
14:12couch by the south windows with the lights off he set the book down he sat next to me he
14:17did not ask
14:18he simply pulled me carefully against his shoulder and we sat that way until the city lights began to thin
14:24toward dawn on the fifth night he came up at 10 on the sixth night he came up at 9
14:30on the seventh night
14:31he stayed he did not ask permission he came up with a small leather bag and a book and the
14:36smallest
14:37most contained smile i had ever seen on his face and he said sloan i am gonna sleep in the
14:42second
14:43bedroom the door will be open if you need me you say my name you do not have to get
14:47up you do not have
14:48to ring a bell you say my name and i will be in the room in under three seconds damien
14:53i am
14:54not asking for anything
14:58i know i am telling you that for the rest of your life if you say my name in the
15:03dark
15:03i will be there in under three seconds he kissed my forehead he went into the second bedroom
15:09he left the door open i lay in my own bed for the first hour i listened to the sounds
15:14of him in the
15:14next room the small zipper of the leather bag the click of a lamp the soft rustle of a turn
15:19page
15:19at 11 30 the page turning stopped he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest i got up
15:25i crossed
15:26the hallway i stood in the doorway of the second bedroom and watched him sleep a man in a charcoal
15:31pullover and reading glasses in a guest bed in his own house lit by a single lamp he had been
15:36waiting
15:37a long time to sleep in the same hallway as me i went back to my room i left both
15:41doors open i slept the
15:43whole night through he gave me the cranes on a sunday i had told him two weeks earlier in the
15:48way a person
15:49tells a story that no longer matters that as a child i had folded a wish into a paper crane
15:54and put it in
15:54a jar on my bedroom windowsill the wish had been for my mother to get well my mother had not
15:59gotten
15:59well i had stopped folding cranes he had said nothing at the time he had simply nodded he led me
16:05to the
16:05library that sunday morning he opened the double doors the room three stories of bookshelves a leather sofa
16:11his piano against the back wall had been filled since i had last been in it the day before with
16:16paper cranes there were thousands of them they hung from the ceiling on threads of clear nylon
16:21in soft drifts at different heights in the pale yellow of winter narcissus i stopped in the doorway
16:27one thousand damien one for every wish i have made for you since we were children i kept count he
16:34stepped into the room he turned one of the cranes gently on its thread i started after the year your
16:39mother died i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for you i started folding i
16:43folded
16:43one a week for the first year two a week for the next sometime around my undergrad years i lost
16:47track
16:48i counted them last month there were 947 i folded the last 53 in the apartment downstairs while you
16:55were upstairs sleeping i crossed the room i touched one of the cranes the paper was thin and cool the
17:01crease was perfect i knew the fold it was the same fold i had used at nine he had been
17:06folding
17:06cranes for me alone in his apartment for a long time damien what were the wishes he looked at me
17:15that you would grow up happy that you would grow up loved that you would grow up to do the
17:18work you
17:19wanted that you would eventually be able to come home and rest that you would eventually see me
17:26that is the only wish i never finished folding he reached up and unhooked a single crane from a thread
17:31above his head he held it out to me i would like you to fold the last one i took
17:35the crane it was a
17:36half fold the paper waiting the crease set damien when you are ready i am ready i folded the last
17:45crane
17:46the wish i folded inside it was that i had not taken so long to see him i hung it
17:50on the empty thread
17:51he held me in the doorway of the library for a long time
17:58i kissed him that night not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago not a
18:03kiss i was
18:03allowing him to give me a kiss i gave him i crossed the library after dinner he was at the
18:08piano playing
18:09the eight notes my mother used to hum he did not see me coming i sat down next to him
18:13on the bench
18:14i waited for him to finish the phrase i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under his chin
18:19i kissed him he went very still for a heartbeat he did not respond then he made a small sound
18:26not a
18:26word something quieter a sound i had never heard him make in all the time i had known him and
18:31his
18:31hand came up to cut the back of my neck and the bench creaked because he had moved without thinking
18:35he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person he has been kissing in his head every night
18:40for a long
18:40time when he pulled back both his hands were on my face his breath was not steady his eyes had
18:46gone
18:46very dark sloan damien i would like to say something say it i have loved you for a very long
18:56time i have loved you across continents and three engagements i refused and seven years of a man who
19:00was not me i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat i have loved
19:04you while
19:04you wrote thank you notes addressed to him on stationery i paid for i have loved you while you
19:09called me at midnight to ask which dress you should wear to his department dinner i have loved you in
19:12every shape a man can love a woman and still hide it i am not going to hide any of
19:18it from this minute
19:19forward damien i love you his hands tightened on my face say it again i love you again i love
19:32you
19:32damien he pressed his forehead to mine for a long moment he did not move he simply breathed then he
19:38picked me up off the bench carefully with respect to the wound and walked me out of the library
19:42past the wall of narcissus into the foyer he did not put me down at the elevator he carried me
19:48into
19:48the bedroom he set me slowly on the edge of the bed he knelt on the floor in front of
19:53me he took
19:54both my hands i am not going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night
19:58i die
19:58he looked up at me but i would like tonight to ask you one thing marry me the cranes in
20:05the library
20:05down the hall turned slowly on their threads in the draft from the open window yes
20:14damien yes he did not let me go to alaska alone we had agreed weeks earlier that he would not
20:19come
20:20he had said it himself in the kitchen that the right answer for my career was yes and the right
20:24answer for his heart was no and that he would not be the one who decided which side of the
20:28snow line i
20:29slept on he had meant it he had also the same night he meant it started building a contingency
20:35i found out about the contingency on the morning of april 2nd he came into the breakfast room with
20:40a folder under his arm and set it down next to my coffee sloney crane industries has launched a
20:47polar research division when last week damien the division is headquarters out of anchorage
20:58it is funding three independent scientific teams across the rongel and saint alia ranges
21:03the director of the division is a 58 year old former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally
21:08approved at 3 a.m on a sunday the director reports to a vice president of strategic operations damien the
21:14vice president of strategic operations will be working out of a forward base camp in the ringlish range
21:18from april 15th through the close of the field season damien the vice president of strategic
21:23operations me i close the folder you are not coming with me to the field as my boyfriend
21:27i am not coming with you to the field as your boyfriend you are coming with me to the field
21:32as the vice president of a polar research resension you invented in the last three weeks
21:37with cover that will hold up to any audit
21:41damien i will sleep in a separate module i will not interfere with your team i will not be on
21:45your
21:45radio frequency i will however be 300 yards away every night you are in the field you did not have
21:51to do this i had to do this why he sat down across from me he took my left hand
21:58he looked at the
21:59signet ring he had slid onto it the night of the surgery and never asked back because the last time
22:04you went to that mountain without me you came home with a hole in your chest i am not living
22:08through
22:08that twice i can take care of myself i know you can i am asking please for the rest of
22:15my life to
22:16never have to find out again i looked at him for a long moment i had spent seven years asking
22:20a man
22:21to follow me to airports i now had a man who would follow me to ice all right he brought
22:26my hand to
22:26his mouth thank you we landed in anchorage on april 15th he had flown commercial three days ahead of me
22:35to maintain the cover he met me at the airport in a crane industries parker with a name tag that
22:40said d
22:40crane vp strategic ops and the face so neutral that even i almost believed it he shook my hand
22:46at the gate he did not kiss me he carried my carry on to the suv in the suv with
22:51the doors closed and
22:52the windows tinted he took my face in both hands and kissed me as if he had not seen me
22:56in a year
22:57three days was too long damien i am revising the cover i will be sleeping in your module
23:05that defeats the cover i do not care damien three days sloan he kissed me again the cover for the
23:14record held the cold weather medic worked it out the first night finn worked it out the second briggs
23:20who had transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february worked it out before we even
23:25landed nobody said anything nobody had to damien did not hide that he watched me work damien did not
23:31hide that he ate every meal next to me damien did not hide that when i came back from the
23:35days
23:36transects with snow in my hair he met me at the door of the heated module with a towel he
23:40had warmed by
23:40the stove the team by week two simply absorbed him finn said it best late one night in the operations
23:47module after damien had stepped out to take a call sloan i have seen a lot of men love a
23:53lot of women
23:53i have never seen one love a woman like that like what like you are the only currency he has
24:00ever wanted
24:00i did not have an answer for that finn went back to his clipboard damien came back in he sat
24:05down next to me
24:06he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking he glanced at the medical chart on my
24:11clipboard
24:11frowned slightly at one number on it and said pulse is up i just walked in from the field
24:17that is not field walk pulse damien i would like the medic to look at you tonight the medic looked
24:22at me
24:22that night the pulse was as it turned out fine damien did not apologize for asking in the third
24:29week i learned about the foundations i learned about them by accident the way i had learned about the
24:34wall of narcissus and the box of cranes and the bound copies of every paper i had ever published
24:39he did not volunteer the information i found it by following a thread the thread was a small thank you
24:46note from a graduate student in cape town that arrived at base camp by satellite mail the student had
24:50received a stipend from the polar atlas foundation to attend a conference where i had given a keynote
24:55four years earlier the note was effusive it thanked me for the body of work and the foundation for the
25:00stipend i had never heard of the polar atlas foundation i looked it up polar atlas foundation
25:06had given approximately eight hundred thousand dollars over the past nine years in small individual
25:11stipends to graduate students in glaciology climate science and polar geophysics the recipient list was a
25:18precise map of every young researcher whose work had any tangential connection to mine the foundation's
25:23board was three people none of them i had heard of i traced the llc behind the foundation through three
25:28jurisdictions it was damien's i traced four other foundations through the same pattern northern light
25:34trust ice and salt initiative the one thousand nine hundred and sixty two foundation named i realized
25:41for the year of the lock at the lake house the whitfield adjacent fellowship together they had quietly
25:47dispersed about 11 million dollars to young scientists in fields adjacent to mine i confronted
25:52him about it that night in our module he did not deny it damien i funded your students
26:00i do not have students you will i funded the field you were going to lead
26:10damien he took my hand i have been preparing the ground slum for a long time i built the foundation
26:16network the same way i built the apartment in the wall not for you to notice for you to land
26:20in when
26:21you are ready when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will every promising postdoc in the
26:25discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you i did not stack the dare because i
26:29did not trust you to win without it i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight
26:33for
26:33what should have been handed to you seven years ago damien yes there is no part of my life you
26:38have
26:39not been holding up from underneath there is no part of you sloan i am not willing to hold up
26:43from
26:43underneath in the fourth week he showed me reagan's file he had not brought it up since we landed he
26:49brought it up only because that morning an emergency message had come through the satellite system
26:54a tabloid in new york had published a photograph of me being carried by damien off the medevac in
27:00february the photograph had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the helipad the
27:05caption beneath the photo was a quote attributed anonymously to a close friend of reagan snow
27:10suggesting that i had been romantically pursuing damien crane during my seven-year relationship with
27:15preston damien read it to me at breakfast he did not raise his voice he set down the satellite
27:20tablet he picked up his coffee he took a slow sip
27:25sclone
27:27damien i am withdrawing my offer to leave her alone
27:30damien she violated the no contact clause when she planted the quote that is now her problem not
27:35mine the deferred prosecution agreement is forfeit she will be charged with the underlying fraud on
27:40monday the federal investigation into her undergraduate funding will be opened on tuesday
27:44i would like to do one additional thing he looked at me i would like to release the recording
27:49the full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call from the wrangle command tent had been used in
27:54the ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full audio had never been made public the two minute
28:00clip the press had covered had only contained the part about the journal the remaining 90 seconds
28:04contained the part where she had called me stupid for thinking money could buy a man
28:08the part where she had described in detail the strategy of waiting for me to humiliate myself
28:13into walking away the part where she had laughed release it he did not blink all of it all of
28:21it
28:21to the same outlet that ran the tabloid quote to the same outlet he took out his satellite phone he
28:27made one call the call lasted four minutes by dinner the recording was up by midnight it had been picked
28:33up by every major outlet that had covered the original audit by the next morning the tabloid that
28:38had run the quote had retracted it by the end of the week the publishing house that had originally pulled
28:43reagan's book deal had publicly announced that it had also voided her advance contract for any future
28:48work reagan's snow did not surface in public again damien did not say anything about it he did not have
28:54to he had told me weeks ago that there had never been a moment in our entire acquaintance when i
28:59was
28:59unprotected i was beginning finally to understand exactly what that had meant i drilled whitfield one the
29:06same day the recording went live we had not planned the timing the team had simply gotten to the site
29:11in
29:11the rotation and the weather had cooperated and briggs had said that morning today is your day
29:16damien insisted on coming he had not pressed to be on any other field site with me he had stayed
29:22within
29:22his cover he had let me work without his shadow on my shoulder on the morning of whitfield one he
29:27did
29:27not ask permission he came he carried the equipment up the ridge himself even though briggs had two team
29:33members ready to do it he stood 10 feet away while i drilled he did not speak i drilled i
29:39logged the call
29:39i labeled it i stood up i turned to look at him he was watching me the way he had
29:44watched me come off
29:44the medevac at teeterborough a year before not breathing not blinking counting with his thumb
29:50pressed unconsciously to the inside of his own wrist where he had once pressed it to mine damien
29:57i am all right i know
30:02this is the spot i know
30:05this is where i called you this is where you called me he took a step closer he looked down
30:10at the snow he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been he looked at the
30:13lee of the outcrop where the walls had moved through then he knelt he did not cry he pressed
30:18his palm flat to the snow the way a person might press a palm to a grave he stayed there
30:22for a long
30:22moment when he stood his glove was wet through he took my hand i would like to ask you something
30:27ask i would like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me on the anniversary
30:32for
30:32the rest of our lives not because it was the worst day because it was the day you called me
30:37that is the day i want to keep i closed my hand around his every year every year all right
30:44riggs
30:4420 feet away very politely turned his back to give us privacy we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more
30:50minutes when we walked back down the ridge damien did not let go of my hand briggs did not say
30:55anything about that either we came home on may 28th he had said the night before we landed that
31:01he wanted to be the one who drove me back from the airport he had said it the way he
31:05said most things
31:06now calmly with the assumption that i would not object i did not object he drove me back from
31:11teterboro at 6 a m on a tuesday in late spring the apartment when we walked into the foyer had
31:17changed
31:18the wall of cause the one he had commissioned for me in march was the same the wall of narcissus
31:23opposite was the same the piano was the same the library three rooms down was the same the
31:29bedroom had changed he had moved his things in his shoes by the door his charcoal pullover folded over
31:34the back of the reading chair his book on the bedside table on what had become in the last two
31:39months his side sloan damien i am not asking permission i am not asking you to he smiled it was
31:47the first full unmanaged smile i had ever seen on his face he set my carry-on down by the
31:52door he picked
31:53me up i have had a small panic every day for six weeks that you would change your mind on
31:58the plane
31:58i did not change my mind i know that now damien put me down no i can walk i know
32:06he carried me through
32:07the foyer past the wall of cause into the bedroom he set me very carefully on the edge of the
32:12bed he
32:13knelt in front of me he took both my hands he looked up at me for a long moment i
32:18would like
32:18to ask you the question i told you i was gonna ask you in the winter damien it is may
32:23i cannot wait
32:24until the winter it's may sloan he reached into his pocket he took out a small velvet box he did
32:31not
32:31place it on the piano this time he opened it inside on a small bed of pale cream silk was
32:37a ring it was
32:38not the kind of ring i would have expected not from him not from a man who could have walked
32:42into any
32:43jeweler in manhattan and chosen any stone in the city it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold
32:48set into it almost flush was a single pale yellow sapphire the color of winter narcissus i knew the
32:55stone i knew the stone because it had been in my mother's locket the locket she had worn the day
33:00she
33:00died the locket my father had been keeping in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18
33:05years
33:06damien i asked your father six months ago damien he gave it to me with both hands
33:13damien sloney whitfield damien i will say it twice if i have to say it i have loved you for
33:23a very long
33:24time i built a life with one room in it the room had no furniture and no light and one
33:28chair facing the
33:29door i sat in the chair year after year i sat in it through three engagements i refused i sat
33:35in it
33:35through your seven years with another man i sat in it through the night your mother died and the
33:39night you graduated and the night i painted the wall i sat in it on the afternoon you called me
33:45from a mountain in alaska i have not been in that room since the day i picked you up off
33:49the floor of
33:50that tent the room is gone now sloan the whole house is yours marry me i had thought for months
33:57that when this moment came i would say something simple i had thought i would say yes i had thought
34:03i
34:03would say yes because the word was small and complete and did not need any of the surrounding
34:07architecture instead i sat on the edge of his bed in his apartment in front of the wall of cause
34:12he had
34:12commissioned for me holding my mother's yellow sapphire on its brushed gold band and i started to cry
34:18i had not cried since the helicopter i cried now he did not move he did not say a word
34:23he let me cry
34:24after a long time i said it yes he closed his eyes once he opened them say it again yes
34:36again yes damien yes he slid the ring onto my fourth finger above the signet he had given me in
34:42the
34:42hospital the brushed gold was warm the yellow sapphire caught the morning light coming in off the east
34:47river he stayed kneeling he pressed his forehead to my knees i bent forward i rested my forehead against
34:53the crown of his head we stayed like that in the bedroom in his apartment for a long time after
34:58a
34:59while he stood up he picked me up off the edge of the bed he did not this time set
35:04me down anywhere
35:05he carried me to the south windows he stood there holding me looking out at the city mrs crane
35:13damien i am rehearsing rehearse it once more mrs crane yes damien he smiled into my hair he did not
35:22put
35:22me down for the rest of the morning we were married in november he gave me in the months between
35:27the
35:28kind of wedding that a man who has been planning a wedding in his head for a long time gives
35:32a woman
35:32who has been allowing herself to imagine one for 10 weeks which is to say a small wedding i had
35:37thought
35:38he would want a large one he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan he did not he picked the
35:43lake house he picked a saturday in late november when the first snow was due he picked the porch
35:48he invited my father three of his cousins garcia briggs finn my two graduate cohort co-investigators
35:55the cold weather medic the surgeon who had patched my lung and the national science foundation chair
36:00that was the entire guest list his mother was not invited she wrote him a letter the week before the
36:05wedding he returned it unopened he did not tell me he had returned it garcia mentioned it in passing
36:11on the morning of the wedding the way she mentioned most logistical details i asked him about it that
36:16afternoon in the bedroom while i was getting dressed he buttoned his cuff he did not look up
36:21damien she asked two months ago if she could attend and i told her she would be welcome the day
36:30she
36:30apologized to you she did not she did not damien sloan she is your mother she had 30 years to
36:41be my
36:41mother she used that time to try to take you from me i am not paying her interest on a
36:45debt she did not
36:46service he buttoned the second cuff when she is ready to apologize to you she may come to dinner
36:51until then she may live with what she chose i crossed the room i straightened his tie slowly with
36:56both hands damien i love you he caught my hands at his collar he kissed both wrists one after the
37:04other
37:05mrs crane not yet in 43 minutes 43 i have been counting since 6 a.m he kissed me on
37:11the forehead
37:12he turned me toward the door your father is waiting downstairs all right sclone walk slowly
37:18why because the next time you walk through a door toward me you are mine i would like to remember
37:22every second of it he cried at the ceremony i had not expected him to i had not thought it
37:27possible
37:27he had been for the entirety of the time i had known him a man who had not visibly cried
37:32at a funeral
37:33a wedding a court ruling or a press conference he had stood at his father's gravesite and not shed a
37:39tear
37:39he cried on the porch of the lake house on a saturday in november when he saw me come around
37:43the corner of the house in my mother's dress my father saw it first he squeezed my elbow look at
37:49him i looked damien was standing at the end of the porch in front of the open front door the
37:55brass lock
37:55the lock that had held since the house was built was just behind him his hands were clasped in front
38:00of him his eyes were closed tears were moving slowly down his cheeks he did not wipe them he opened
38:07his eyes when i was three steps away he smiled it was the smile of a man who had been
38:11waiting a long
38:12time to use it my father set my hand into his damien sir she is yours sir she always was
38:22dad smiled
38:23he took his seat in the front row the officiant a friend of the family who had married my parents
38:28in
38:28the same spot long ago said a few words he spoke about commitment he spoke about the longevity of love
38:33that has been quietly held he spoke briefly about my mother who had taught him to make soda bread when
38:39he was a young man then he said damien your vows damien took both my hands sloan whitfield damien
38:46crane i have loved you for a very long time i kept a small notebook the notebook had in it
38:51everything i
38:52learned about you that nobody else knew the way you held your fork the way you closed a door so
38:55it did
38:56not click the way you ate the corners of a sandwich first the way you bit your thumb before you
39:00took an
39:01exam i do not need the notebook anymore the porch was very quiet he went on i am keeping it
39:06for our
39:06daughter i vow to love you with the precision and the patience of a man who has practiced
39:11i vow to defend you the way i have always defended you which is publicly immediately and without
39:15negotiation i vow to bring you tea every morning and to play the piano for you every night i vow
39:19to
39:19come home for dinner every night for the rest of my life i vow to never under any circumstances let
39:24you walk out of a room without telling you first that i love you that is what i have for
39:28you sloan
39:29the rest is yours to ask i said my vows i do not remember them i remember only that when
39:34the
39:34officiant said you may kiss the bride damien did not move quickly he moved very slowly he cupped my
39:39face the way he had cupped it the day he came up off the floor of the tent in rainbow
39:43he kissed me
39:44the first snow began on cue behind him we did not have a reception we had dinner 12 of us
39:51around a
39:52long wooden table in the dining room of the lake house with two of my cousins and my father and
39:56garcia and briggs and finn and the medic and the surgeon and the national science foundation chair
40:01who had brought his wife the food was simple the wine was old the conversation moved the way
40:06conversations at lake houses move in slow loops that did not need anywhere to go after dinner damien
40:12played the piano he played the eight notes my mother used to hum he played the second eight notes he
40:17had
40:17written for me alone in his apartment while i had been in alaska drilling whitfield one he played a
40:22third set of eight notes i had never heard he stopped after the third set he turned to me that
40:27one i wrote this morning when this morning 4am damien i will write you a new eight notes every
40:35morning of our marriage damien i have already started counting around midnight the guests went
40:42to bed in the guest rooms upstairs damien took my hand he led me out the front door onto the
40:47porch
40:47and down the gravel drive to the boathouse at the edge of the lake the boathouse was lit with a
40:52single lamp he had had it cleaned he had had a single chair placed inside it by the window facing
40:57the water he had hung and i almost laughed when i saw it every single one of the thousand cranes
41:02from
41:02the apartment library they hung from the ceiling of the boathouse in soft drifts of pale yellow
41:07and the lamp lit them from below he stood with me in the doorway sloan damien this is the last
41:14thing
41:14the last thing every other thing i have done over all this time i have done quietly i have folded
41:18a
41:18rain i have painted a wall i have learned a piece of music i have bought a building i've built
41:22a
41:22foundation network i have refused a marriage i did all of it quietly because you were not yet mine
41:26this is the last thing i do quietly he turned me to face him from tomorrow i do everything loudly
41:31i bring you flowers in front of every restaurant i hold your hand at every board meeting i introduce
41:35you at every event in the city as my wife for the rest of my life tell me you understand
41:40i understand sloan welcome home he cupped my face in both hands he kissed me slowly the way he had
41:49kissed me on the porch and behind him the thousand cranes turned slowly in the draft i had spent seven
41:55years thinking my life was a story about being seen by the wrong man it had been all along a
42:00story
42:00about being held up from underneath by the right one the right one was holding me now in a boathouse
42:05at
42:06the edge of a lake at midnight in november in front of 1000 paper wishes he had folded for me
42:10before he
42:11was 30 years old the wish i had folded into the last crane months ago had been that i had
42:16not taken
42:17so long to see him the wish i made now standing in the doorway was that i would have a
42:21lifetime wall
42:22the end
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