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Short filmTranscript
00:05:19The version where she got to be the victim and the survivor and the heroine.
00:05:23It collapsed.
00:05:25You think you've won?
00:05:28You have money?
00:05:30You have a name?
00:05:31You have him?
00:05:32She tipped her chin at the corner.
00:05:34You spent seven years.
00:05:50You have a man who can be in the last day.
00:06:00You have a man who can be in the last day.
00:06:01You have a man who can be picked up by you with a smile.
00:06:05You have a man who can be in the last night.
00:06:19You have a man who has her face with a man who was on the last day.
00:06:24You have a man's face.
00:06:33You have a woman who had her face.
00:06:35You have a man who had the man who had a man who fell in love with her.
00:06:36my seven years are not for sale reagan not at your price not at any price get out she did
00:06:43not
00:06:43move a footstep behind her from the corridor garcia in the doorway two security guards a
00:06:48respectful distance behind sloan you think you've cleaned all of it up she picked up the lilies on
00:06:52her way out wait until the audit drops then ask damien crane what he found the door closed behind
00:06:57her i turned my head toward the corner chair damien was already standing he did not look at
00:07:02me he was looking at the door reagan had just walked through his jaw was set in a way i
00:07:06had not
00:07:06seen since the tent in wrangle he turned to me the look i caught the first time was a man
00:07:10assessing
00:07:11exactly how angry he should let himself become damien sat back down on the edge of the bed he
00:07:15took his time he did not rush he laced his fingers across his knee he breathed in once deeply the
00:07:20way
00:07:20i had seen him do at family dinners when his mother said something cruel and he chose not to make
00:07:23it a
00:07:23war sloan she has mastered clues that we do not know that's right it's related to auditing about
00:07:28the audit i waited he was choosing his word i was going to wait until tomorrow to bring this up
00:07:34the audit is not finished the number is not final how bad six million unaccounted for is the floor
00:07:41not the ceiling six million dollars was not a clerical error six million dollars was a pattern
00:07:49six million through what a shell company registered in delaware address goes to a peepo box the signatory
00:07:56is a name i'm running down the wire pattern matches equipment vendor payments diving rigs that
00:08:02never arrived drill bits that were never installed travel reimbursements for trips no one took
00:08:06for seven years for at least the last four i closed my eyes the money had never mattered my family
00:08:14had
00:08:15given the foundation more in any single year than what preston had pocket in four what mattered was
00:08:20the shape of it the shape was he had been planning this since at least four years ago since the
00:08:24year he
00:08:25and i had taken a sabbatical month to iceland together the year he had asked me to marry him and
00:08:30then walked it back the same evening because it wasn't the right time
00:08:37damien
00:08:45her name on a wire two of them so far
00:08:53she's not the graduate studies she's been pretending to be damien laid it out on the
00:08:57rolling tray table at my elbow two wire transferals both routed through the same delaware shell both
00:09:01signed at the receiving end by our snow the amounts were not enormous 84 000 112 000 both wired in
00:09:07the last
00:09:0714 months both dated to weeks reagan had been listed on preston's expedition minused as a junior
00:09:11researcher 84 000 for what equipment line item a piece of sonar gear that was never delivered
00:09:17she's 26 she's 26 on paper her undergrad was an internship at a foundation in connecticut
00:09:24whose director sat on three of preston's grant review panels she wasn't his accident she was his hire
00:09:32she was his hire
00:09:36how long have you known
00:09:39since the second wire cleared
00:09:42four months
00:09:46i was building i needed the chain to be unbreakable
00:09:50if you'd come to me sooner i'd have moved sooner
00:09:56i didn't know to come to you
00:09:58i know
00:09:59a nurse pushed open the door look at my face looked at the tray of documents looked at damon and
00:10:03quietly
00:10:03backed out
00:10:04damon picked up a fresh sheet from the bottom of the stack he turned it so i could see it
00:10:07was a
00:10:07screen grab of a private social media account locked one of two followers the western handle of
00:10:11a core counter the hand was not mine the post was dated two years before reagan had supposedly
00:10:15emailed preston out of the blues the pin post was a photograph of preston and cross and
00:10:19she received her hand invencible the wound throbbed once i let it
00:10:23damian
00:10:26she's been with him for at minimum three years
00:10:32three years three years was an entire fellowship cycle three years was a lab move three years was
00:10:38every conference where preston had told me he was too overwhelmed to bring me as a guest
00:10:42three years was the time during which i had been planning a wedding in my head while writing his
00:10:46grants in my hand i picked the photograph back up the hand on preston's cheek had a small mark at
00:10:51the wrist the same shape as a beauty mark reagan had very pale almost invisible against her skin
00:10:57i had once told her that mark was lovely she had told me she hated it
00:11:05how long until the audit drops friday three days how long until the criminal complaint files
00:11:14riley pope has already been brought in for questioning by the u.s attorney's office
00:11:17preston he'll be charged tuesday federal jurisdiction the beacon falls under interstate field safety
00:11:22regulations reagan reagan is more delicate the wires are evidence of fraud the relationship is
00:11:27evidence of motive the recording is evidence of intent but she'll lawyer up fast i expect her to
00:11:31flip on preston by the end of next week and the academic side marsh's ethics committee convenes
00:11:36wednesday at his university we are providing the audit the recording and the wires outcome is
00:11:40predictable he'll be stripped of his appointment his doctoral supervision rights his five most recent
00:11:45publications and the federal grant he was about to sign
00:11:49reeves dami did not blink reeves has known about the embezzlement for at least two years
00:11:53i closed my eyes he nominated you for the independent fellowship in part to diffuse internal questions
00:11:58about who your name kept appearing on the foundation paperwork and never on the bylines
00:12:02that's why he called me that's why a door opened i opened my eyes my father was standing in the
00:12:08doorway eyes red coats till on the wrinkles on his face deeper than i remembered you damien stood up
00:12:13he stopped two feet from damien and put both hands on damien's shoulders he did not look at me as
00:12:16he
00:12:16passed thank you my father had not cried in front of me since my mother's funeral he did not cry
00:12:22now
00:12:22exactly but he sat on the edge of my bed and held my left hand the one with damien's signet
00:12:26still on
00:12:26the forefinger and he did not let go for a long time don't talk he held my hand i have
00:12:32to sloan don't
00:12:33talk he looked at the signet he looked at damien standing very still by the window how long 20 years
00:12:39sir i know that i mean the ring five days dad nodded once slow
00:12:53the pierces boy the one who used to follow sloan around the orchard at thanksgiving and pretend he
00:12:59didn't care if she shared her dessert yes sir dad almost smiled i told your father at the time
00:13:06told him what sir that you were going to be the kind of man who ran out of things to
00:13:11fear by the age
00:13:12of 30. he didn't believe me he was wrong sweetheart
00:13:25the foundation is mine again as of this morning the board approved a clean break from the marsh
00:13:33laboratory and all of his ongoing projects the audit will be public when it drops your name will
00:13:40be cleared as of friday morning the donor wall in cambridge will be re-engraved with your sole
00:13:45credit on the whitfield climate initiative dad that's that's seven years of your life sloan
00:13:52not a favor he pressed my hand he stood up he kissed my forehead the way he had when i
00:13:58was a child home
00:13:59from school with strep i'm gonna step outside and let you rest i'll be in the hall i'll be in
00:14:07the hall
00:14:07he looked at damien crane sir when she's better we talk yes sir
00:14:18the door closed
00:14:22i looked at damien i had known him for a long time he gave you permission he sat back down
00:14:29on
00:14:29the edge of the bed he didn't have to i never asked him for any
00:14:36but yes he did
00:14:40i'll wait until you're ready
00:14:43for what he almost smiled not quite everything
00:15:00friday morning the audit dropped it hit the internet at 6 a.m eastern a leak coordinated
00:15:05presumably by damien's communications team went to a science investigative reporter at a respected
00:15:10outlet by eight the headline had been picked up by every major u s paper by 10 the hashtag was
00:15:16trending
00:15:16garcia walked into my room with a tablet and a tray of fresh squeezed orange juice 216 articles since 6
00:15:22she tapped the screen
00:15:26glaciotology star falls in whitefield foundation fraud probe inside the regling cover-up
00:15:31i scrolled photographs of preston photographs of the rangel camp
00:15:35a still from the radio archive showing the time stamp on preston's order to disable my beacon
00:15:40a photograph of the equipment crate i had spent the night inside with claw marks down the side
00:15:45taken by a federal investigator the morning after my evacuation the comments were brutal
00:15:50if this is what academic excellence looks like this man let his girlfriend bleed in the snow for a
00:15:55grant the deputy who turned off her beacon should be in handcuffs by lunch i scrolled until i found
00:16:01reagan she had preempted the audit sloane whitfield could have died cry harder i closed the tablet how is
00:16:12seen leaving his apartment the university has placed him on administrative leave pending wednesday's
00:16:16hearing riley pope has been charged he pleaded out 18 months federal with cooperation
00:16:21reagan snow's lawyer issued a statement at 7 a.m claiming she will fully co-op
00:16:25reeves dr reeves announced his retirement at 6 30 effective immediately the university accepted within
00:16:31the hour i exhaled the wound did not mind anymore in a meeting he'll be back at noon he left
00:16:37this for you
00:16:37she slid a small white card onto the tray i picked it up by saturday i was sitting upright in
00:16:43a chair
00:16:44by the window by sunday i was walking the corridor twice a day with a nurse at my elbow by
00:16:49monday they
00:16:49had moved me out of the icu and into a regular suite on the 14th floor where the view stretched
00:16:54all the
00:16:55way down across the east river the flowers had started arriving friday afternoon and had not stopped
00:16:59the first arrangement was from my graduate school cohort the second from the foundation board the third
00:17:04and this one had made me sit up from the chair of the national science foundation who had written
00:17:08a personal note saying he had been appalled and that i should consider when i was well enough picking
00:17:13up the principal investigator role on the project that had been preston's the fourth came with no card
00:17:18you're upright i'm upright how does it feel like i have a hole in my chest but a much smaller
00:17:26one than yesterday
00:17:26he almost smiled from you
00:17:33from the lake house
00:17:38damien he met my eyes how long
00:17:44the flower since you were 12
00:17:48not the flower he sat on the edge of the bed i sat with that
00:17:51sloan 20 years i was 29 20 years that meant when i had cried to him about my freshman year
00:17:57boyfriend at 16 he had already known that meant every time over the long stretch of years he had
00:18:01appeared at the edge of my life with the precise timing of a person who was paying very close
00:18:04attention without ever announcing himself i looked at the signet on my left hand
00:18:10damien
00:18:16why didn't you ever say
00:18:18damien took a long time to answer the light from the window had begun to thin
00:18:22the kind of new york winter dusk that turns everything blue
00:18:25when you were 12 you were 12 there was nothing to say
00:18:29when you were 16 you were dating that boy
00:18:31you were happy there was nothing to say
00:18:33when you were 19 you came home from college and told me you'd met a graduate student named preston marsh
00:18:40you want to know what i thought of him
00:18:44i told you he was fine
00:18:46you told me he was fine
00:18:48he wasn't fine i knew he wasn't fine
00:18:53but you wanted permission you were not asking me what i thought of him
00:18:58you were asking me to bless what you had already decided
00:19:01you blessed it anyway
00:19:04i blessed it anyway
00:19:05why
00:19:06he looked down at his hands
00:19:08because if i'd said no you have done it anyway and i would have lost you for the next decade
00:19:12instead of being able to sit across a holiday table from you twice a year
00:19:16i made a calculation
00:19:18the calculation was wrong
00:19:20he looked up
00:19:22i would have made a different one
00:19:24if i had known
00:19:26known what
00:19:28that he would put a hole in your chest
00:19:29the room held the sentence
00:19:30i felt the wound stir
00:19:32it did not hurt the same way anymore
00:19:33it hurt differently
00:19:34like something was being said through it
00:19:36and not done to it
00:19:37it wasn't his hole
00:19:39it was an ice shard
00:19:40it was his hole
00:19:41he left you with it
00:19:43he turned off your beacon
00:19:45he drove away
00:19:46he did not soften the statement
00:19:47the shape of the wound is ice full
00:19:49and you crossed the country
00:19:51the cause of the wound is preston marsh
00:19:52i would have crossed any country
00:19:58damien
00:19:58he did not look away
00:20:04i'm not gonna forgive him
00:20:06i know
00:20:07i'm not gonna take him back
00:20:09i know
00:20:11i am however
00:20:12going to need a minute
00:20:19i've spent a lifetime waiting for you sloan
00:20:25take all the time you need
00:20:26he stood
00:20:27he bent forward
00:20:28his lips brushed my forehead
00:20:29light the way an older brother might
00:20:30the way a person who had been disciplined about a feeling for a very long time might
00:20:34when the door was finally cracked open
00:20:35i have a meeting at 7
00:20:37i'll be back at 9
00:20:38damien
00:20:41don't be late
00:20:42he almost smiled
00:20:44he left
00:20:45the narcissist on the windowsill held their pale yellow in the blue light
00:20:50tuesday afternoon
00:20:51preston was arraigned
00:20:52i did not watch the live stream
00:20:54gossier told me about it after the fact
00:20:56sitting in the chair by my bed with her tablet face down on her knee
00:20:59she summarized in her efficient
00:21:01neutral voice
00:21:02the same voice she used to read me the morning's flower deliveries
00:21:05preston had been processed through the federal courthouse in lower manhattan
00:21:09the charges were read loud
00:21:11federal embezzlement and wire fraud
00:21:13knowingly disaying a fellow team member's emergency equipment in a hazardous environment
00:21:18and falsification of federal grant documentation
00:21:31his bail had been set at one million dollars
00:21:34his attorney had argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:37the prosecution had pointed to the whitfield foundation audit
00:21:40and to a passport that on inspection contained a sealed visa for a country with no extradition treaty
00:21:47his bail was set at one million dollars
00:21:49his attorney argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:51the prosecution pointed to the audit
00:21:54and to a passport with a visa for a country with no extradition treaty
00:21:58bail remained at one million dollars
00:22:00his passport was revoked
00:22:02how did he look?
00:22:04smaller
00:22:05smaller?
00:22:06at faculty fundraisers he carried himself like a man waiting to be the smartest in any room
00:22:11today he carried himself like a man waiting to be told what to do
00:22:15she set the tablet on the bedside table
00:22:17mr crane wants me to tell you
00:22:18wednesday's ethics committee hearing has been moved to 10 a.m
00:22:21the university requested that you attend by video link
00:22:24you may decline
00:22:26i'll attend
00:22:28mr crane suspected you would
00:22:32she rose
00:22:32is there anything else miss whitfield?
00:22:35one thing
00:22:38reagan
00:22:39she has not been arraigned
00:22:40the u.s attorney's office is finalizing terms
00:22:42she will testify against preston and dr reeves
00:22:45she will not be testifying against you
00:22:47she will likely receive limited immunity on the fraud charges
00:22:50a deferred prosecution agreement
00:22:52community service
00:22:53and a permanent bar from federally funded research
00:22:55she still has her social media
00:22:57she still has her social media
00:22:59the court cannot regulate that
00:23:01that's fine
00:23:03let her have it
00:23:04mr crane will be displeased
00:23:06mr crane will live
00:23:08garcia paused
00:23:09halfway to the door
00:23:11garcia tilted her head a fraction
00:23:12she almost laughed
00:23:14she left
00:23:14i lay back against the pillows
00:23:15and watched the narcissist tilt slowly toward the late afternoon sun
00:23:19wednesday morning
00:23:2010 a.m garcia rolled in a portable monitor on a tray and angled it toward the bed
00:23:24the ethics committee at preston's university convened on screen seven chairs around a heavy wood table in a panelled room
00:23:30i had been inside
00:23:30once during my own thesis defense
00:23:33when reeves had introduced me as one of his students
00:23:35reeves was not at the table today
00:23:37he had retired friday morning
00:23:39the chair of the committee
00:23:40a tall woman in her 60s whose hair was twisted into a low knot
00:23:43opened the proceedings
00:23:45mr marsh
00:23:46do you have anything to say before we begin
00:23:48preston rose from his seat at the foot of the table
00:23:50he had aged a decade in five days
00:23:52the polished hair was unkempt
00:23:54the pressed shirt was open at the collar without a tie
00:23:57i do
00:23:57his voice was flatter than i had ever heard it
00:24:00whatever the committee decides
00:24:01i accept
00:24:03i acknowledge the irregularities in the funding records of the regling expedition
00:24:08i acknowledge the irregularities in the authorship history of the manuscripts under review
00:24:15on the day of the avalanche i did not handle the evacuation of my team as i should have
00:24:20the chair did not soften
00:24:21i accept the consequences of those choices
00:24:24the committee has reviewed the audit
00:24:26the field radio archive the wire records and the personal contribution log of sloan whitstone
00:24:31the committee has also reviewed the statement obtained this morning under cooperation agreement
00:24:37from riley cope
00:24:39do you acknowledge that you transmitted a radio instruction to disable sloan whitfile's emergency locator
00:24:48the room was very still
00:24:51i do
00:24:55at the time you transmitted that instruction were you aware that sloan whitston was injured
00:25:00and at the edge of the camp perimeter
00:25:06i do
00:25:09mr marsh the committee finds the following
00:25:12you have engaged in academic misconduct of the most serious kind
00:25:18your conduct on the day of the avalanche
00:25:21endangered the life of a fellow expedition member
00:25:24the body of work submitted under your sole authorship for the past four years
00:25:29contains substantial material taken from the unpublished work of sloan whitnick without consent or attribution
00:25:39the committee recommends that your tenure be revoked your doctoral supervision rights be terminated and the five most recent publications
00:25:46under your name be retracted you'd be permanently barred from holding any federally funded academic appointment the regular climate proxies
00:25:52grant should be revoked and the funds returned do you wish to respond?
00:25:58preston was silent for a long time
00:26:00no
00:26:00then he sat back down
00:26:07the chair rose the committee rose with her
00:26:09this hearing is adjourned
00:26:11the screen went black
00:26:12the screen went black
00:26:17i sat for a moment in the dim hospital room garcia rolled the monitor away
00:26:21i sat for a moment in the dim hospital room garcia rolled the monitor away
00:26:40there's a man at security in the lobby asking to see you
00:26:43he's same
00:26:44he said his name was preston marsh
00:26:46i had told garcia
00:26:48he said he doesn't expect you to say yes
00:26:51let him up
00:26:52that i would receive him
00:26:53i had thought about it carefully
00:26:54i had thought about it the way damien thought about a chain of evidence not for spite
00:26:58not for forgiveness
00:26:59but to close the circuit
00:27:00i had spent seven years inside that circuit
00:27:02i needed to walk out under my own power
00:27:04damien was in a meeting on the other side of town
00:27:07i had not told him i had agreed to this
00:27:09i had not told him i had not agreed to this either
00:27:11the door opened
00:27:12preston stood in the doorway
00:27:13he did not come in
00:27:15he looked exactly as he had on the video feed except smaller
00:27:17somehow
00:27:18in person
00:27:19the way garcia had said
00:27:20the charcoal suit replaced by jeans and a sweater that did not fit him quite right
00:27:23the glass is askew
00:27:33slone
00:27:33get up
00:27:35i won't
00:27:36i'm not asking
00:27:37he stayed where he was
00:27:38i came to apologize
00:27:42he breathed in once
00:27:44at once
00:27:46i owe you an apology i cannot make in two pages
00:27:49i wrote it badly
00:27:52every grant
00:27:54every piece of equipment
00:27:56every late night
00:27:59i knew
00:28:00i always knew
00:28:02i told myself a story about it that let me sleep
00:28:05and the night of the avalanche
00:28:07i told riley to turn off the beacon
00:28:12i told myself the whitfields would send a plane
00:28:15i told myself
00:28:18you would always have a way out
00:28:20that's what i told myself
00:28:23so leaving you in the snow had no consequence
00:28:33that's what i told myself
00:28:35the room held it
00:28:36i let it hold
00:28:49preston
00:28:49he looked up
00:28:51get off the floor
00:28:55i won't
00:28:56you will
00:28:58because this is my room
00:28:59in my hospital
00:29:00in my city
00:29:01and i'm telling you to
00:29:02he got off the floor
00:29:03he stood near the foot of my bed
00:29:05three things
00:29:05hands at his sides
00:29:07head still bowed
00:29:08one
00:29:09i am not retracting any of the charges
00:29:11the federal case will proceed
00:29:14your career will not survive it
00:29:16that is not negotiable
00:29:19i haven't
00:29:20two
00:29:22i will not be writing a victim impact statement that asks the court for leniency
00:29:27i will be writing one that asks the court to apply the full weight of the statute
00:29:32you are free to write your own
00:29:33you are free to ask dr revils to write his own
00:29:37understood
00:29:38three
00:29:41i looked at him for a long time
00:29:43he had once been a man i would have crossed any distance to please
00:29:47there had been a year possibly two when i had organized my entire life around the question of what preston
00:29:52would think
00:29:53i looked at him now and i felt nothing
00:29:55not contempt
00:29:56not pity
00:29:57not love
00:29:58not even anger
00:29:59a clean nothing
00:30:00the way you might look at a coat you wore through college
00:30:02hanging in the back of a closet
00:30:04and feel surprised that you had ever fit into it
00:30:11i do not accept it
00:30:17not because it isn't sincere
00:30:19today
00:30:20it might be
00:30:21i think it might be
00:30:23what i have learned
00:30:24in seven years of you
00:30:26is that your sincerity is a renewable resource
00:30:29it comes back every time the consequences arrive
00:30:33it always sound the same
00:30:35it always asks the same thing
00:30:37which is for me to absorb the cost
00:30:39i'm done absorbing the cost
00:30:45you will live with what you did
00:30:48i will not be helping you live with it
00:30:51for a moment i thought he might say something more some version of the speech
00:30:54refine now to its purest form that he had been delivering to me
00:30:57in fragments
00:30:58for seven years
00:30:59he didn't
00:30:59he closed his eyes once
00:31:01he opened them
00:31:02i understand
00:31:03he walked to the door
00:31:04in the doorway
00:31:04he paused
00:31:05he did not look back
00:31:07sloan
00:31:09yes
00:31:10be happy
00:31:13the door closed behind him
00:31:15i sat alone in the hospital suite with the late afternoon light moving slowly across the floor
00:31:19i waited to feel something
00:31:20after a long time i noticed what i felt was the absence of something
00:31:24a weight i had been carrying since the year i was 22
00:31:28for seven years i carried that weight
00:31:30i turned my life into a project just to be seen
00:31:34i piled up my efforts as evidence
00:31:37but i don't need to be seen by him anymore
00:31:42when i had decided that the rest of my life was going to be a project of making one specific
00:31:47man see me
00:31:47it was no longer there
00:31:49i picked up my phone
00:31:50i texted damien
00:31:52come back when you can
00:31:53he answered within 10 seconds
00:31:56on my way
00:31:58damien did not knock
00:31:59the door to my hospital suite opened 12 minutes after preston walked out of it
00:32:03and damien stood in the doorway with snow still melting on his shoulders
00:32:06he did not look at me first
00:32:08he looked at the chair where preston had been kneeling
00:32:10he looked at the spot on the carpet where preston's knees had pressed two indentations
00:32:14he looked at the trace of cologne
00:32:15preston's faint civilians still hanging in the air
00:32:19he crossed the room in five strides
00:32:22did he touch you
00:32:25damien
00:32:27sloan
00:32:29did he touch you
00:32:31no
00:32:37his thumbs moved across my cheekbones
00:32:39my temples
00:32:40the line of my jaw checking
00:32:42the way a person checks a child after they have fallen
00:32:49i should not have left this morning
00:32:51i asked garcia to let him up
00:32:56i know
00:32:57she called me on the drive back
00:32:59i broke three traffic laws
00:33:01damien
00:33:02i would have broken 30
00:33:10look at me
00:33:19i had not
00:33:20in all the time i had known him
00:33:22seen damien crane afraid of anything
00:33:24not his father
00:33:26not his mother
00:33:27not a boardroom
00:33:28not a press conference
00:33:30not the leverage held over him by half of manhattan
00:33:34he was afraid now
00:33:35he was afraid that i had spent 12 minutes in a room with the man i had loved for seven
00:33:39years
00:33:40and that 12 minutes was all it took for me to forgive him
00:33:45i told him no
00:33:48i know
00:33:49i told him to leave
00:33:53i know
00:33:54i am not going back to him
00:33:57he closed his eyes
00:33:58he pressed his forehead to mine
00:34:00he stayed there
00:34:01breathing
00:34:02for a long time
00:34:09slone
00:34:11i am about to be very selfish
00:34:14be selfish
00:34:17i do not want to leave this room again
00:34:20then don't
00:34:23he did not
00:34:34he did not sleep that night
00:34:36the chair he pulled up to my bed
00:34:38was leather and too small
00:34:39he folded himself into it anyway
00:34:42he held my left hand inside both of his
00:34:44and watched the heart monitor as if it might lie if he looked away
00:34:47sometime around 3 a.m
00:34:49i pretended to be asleep
00:34:51just to see what he would do
00:34:52he stood up
00:34:54he walked to the window
00:34:55he looked out at the east river for 10 minutes
00:34:58he turned back
00:34:59he stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise and fall
00:35:02counting
00:35:03with the precision of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac
00:35:07then he came back to the chair
00:35:08he leaned in
00:35:09he pressed his lips
00:35:11very lightly
00:35:12to the inside of my wrist where the ivy line went in
00:35:14he whispered into my skin
00:35:31i am sorry i did not come sooner
00:35:36when
00:35:40you were awake
00:35:42sooner when damien
00:35:48eight years ago
00:35:50when
00:35:51the night you came home from grad school for the holiday
00:35:54you laughed at something preston said about a sample i had never heard of
00:35:58i went home and painted 700 nassaville on a wall
00:36:03and decided i would wait
00:36:06i should have come for you that night
00:36:09damien
00:36:11i would have
00:36:11if i had known how it would end
00:36:14he looked at the signet on my fourth finger
00:36:18i bought this a long time ago
00:36:21this ring
00:36:22this ring
00:36:25for me
00:36:25for the day i stopped waiting
00:36:30i waited far longer than i should have
00:36:32i am not waiting an hour longer than i have to
00:36:35damien
00:36:37hmm
00:36:39what are you telling me
00:36:40he met my eyes
00:36:47i am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise
00:36:50when you walk out of this hospital
00:36:51you walk into my house
00:36:59and you do not walk out of it again unless i am holding the door
00:37:05the next person who tries to take you from me
00:37:08will spend the rest of his life regretting it
00:37:26faster
00:37:27good
00:37:35discharge day
00:37:36damien did not let a nurse touch me
00:37:38he sent the wheelchair away
00:37:40he sent the orderly away
00:37:42he scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees
00:37:45and one behind my shoulders and carried me
00:37:47slowly
00:37:47the length of the corridor to the elevator
00:37:50i had walked
00:37:51by then
00:37:52the length of that corridor on my own three times
00:37:55i did not need to be carried
00:37:56i did not object
00:37:58the elevator opened in the underground garage
00:38:01a black idled
00:38:02he set me down only long enough to open the door
00:38:04and then he lifted me again into the back seat
00:38:07as if the act of placing me there himself was something he could not delegate
00:38:10garcia
00:38:11in the front passenger seat
00:38:12did not turn around
00:38:14the pulled out
00:38:15damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown
00:38:28i bought the building
00:38:31which building
00:38:32my building
00:38:33i own the penthouse
00:38:34i bought the rest of it last month
00:38:36all of it
00:38:36all of it
00:38:39why
00:38:41i did not want strangers across a wall from you
00:38:46damien
00:38:50the other residents have been compensated above market
00:38:53they had 90 days to relocate
00:38:55the last unit cleared on friday
00:38:57the building is empty except for the staff i vetted
00:39:01and the floor i am going to put your father on if he wants it
00:39:04my father has a house
00:39:06he has a house
00:39:07he may also have the eighth floor
00:39:10damien
00:39:10you are being excessive
00:39:14i am told i am being excessive
00:39:17he brought my hand to his mouth
00:39:19tell me to stop
00:39:21i am not telling you to stop
00:39:24i can't bear to
00:39:26the pulled into the garage
00:39:31he carried me into the elevator
00:39:33the doors opened directly into his foyer
00:39:36into the wall of painted narcissus
00:39:38and he set me down in front of it
00:39:46look
00:39:47look
00:39:47i looked
00:39:48a second wall
00:39:49opposite the first
00:39:51had been painted in my absence
00:39:53cores
00:39:54the shapes of ice cores
00:39:5537 of them
00:39:57one for every site i had drilled in 7 years
00:39:59labeled in white paint in my own handwriting
00:40:01which had been copied
00:40:03line for line
00:40:04from photographs of the field journal reagan had stolen
00:40:07i could not speak
00:40:15i commissioned it in march
00:40:17the artist worked from your notebooks
00:40:19i had the originals returned from the federal evidence locker on a temporary basis
00:40:23they are now back in the locker
00:40:26damien
00:40:27the paintings are yours
00:40:29welcome home sloan
00:40:30the first week in his apartment
00:40:32i learned how he had been loving me for a long time
00:40:35i learned it in small pieces
00:40:36the way a person learns the contents of a house they have moved into without a tour
00:40:40a bookshelf in the library held every paper i had ever published even the undergraduate ones
00:40:45even the conference posters bound in matching cloth and arranged in chronological order
00:40:49a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's recipe for soda bread
00:40:53hand copied from her handwriting onto a card he had laminated
00:40:56a folder in his study kept in a drawer he did not lock contained years of photographs of me
00:41:01clipped from family christmas cards and university newsletters and the society pages
00:41:06i found the folder on the sixth day
00:41:08i did not tell him i had found it
00:41:10i sat on the floor of his study and turned through the photographs in order
00:41:13and at the back of the folder i found a single envelope
00:41:16sealed addressed to me in his handwriting and dated a long time ago
00:41:20i almost opened it i did not
00:41:22i left it where it was
00:41:23that night at dinner
00:41:24i asked him
00:41:25the letter in the back of the folder
00:41:27he set his fork down
00:41:28he did not pretend to misunderstand
00:41:30you found it
00:41:32what is it
00:41:34it is what i would have said to you that night if i had come for you instead of painting
00:41:37the wall
00:41:38you kept it
00:41:41i kept everything
00:41:42damien
00:41:43i have kept the napkin you wrote your phone number on when you were 11
00:41:45i have kept the wrapper of the chocolate you split with me at your sister's christensen
00:41:49i have kept the program of every recital your mother dragged us to
00:41:52i have kept the cockscrew you used to open the wine at your graduation dinner
00:41:55i have kept the boarding pass you gave me when you came back from iceland the year you turned 23
00:42:00and asked if i would pick you up from jf because your boyfriend had forgotten
00:42:04he met my eyes
00:42:06i have kept all of it because i had to keep something
00:42:08i set my fork down too
00:42:10how many marriages did your mother arrange for you
00:42:13three
00:42:15you refused all three
00:42:16i refused all three
00:42:19for me
00:42:20sloan
00:42:22everything i have ever refused i refused for you
00:42:24his mother came on tuesday
00:42:26she had not
00:42:27in the seven years i dated preston
00:42:29sent me so much as a holiday card
00:42:31she came now with a bouquet of pale pink peonies
00:42:34and a smile that did not reach her eyes
00:42:36and she sat across from me in damien's living room
00:42:38with the careful posture of a woman conducting a negotiation
00:42:41she expected to win damien stood by the window
00:42:44he did not sit he did not greet his mother
00:42:47sloan and dear i came to welcome you
00:42:49mrs crane i imagine all of this has been very overwhelming
00:42:52the hospital the press my son's enthusiasm
00:42:54his enthusiasm
00:42:55he has always been intense
00:42:58particularly about the things he has wanted for a long time
00:43:01i wonder if you have considered my dear whether intensity about this stage in your recovery is perhaps what you
00:43:06need
00:43:06by the window damien turned he did not raise his voice
00:43:09mother
00:43:11damien
00:43:11you have ten seconds to walk out of this apartment
00:43:16damien i am only
00:43:17eight seconds
00:43:19you will not speak to me
00:43:21six seconds
00:43:22the peonies untouched on the coffee table
00:43:25trembled with the vibration of the elevator returning to the foyer
00:43:28she rose
00:43:29she gathered her coat
00:43:31she looked at me with the same smile pulled tight across her face
00:43:34my dear
00:43:34when this novelty passes
00:43:36two seconds
00:43:37she left the elevator doors closed
00:43:39damien did not move for a long moment
00:43:41then he crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair where i was sitting
00:43:45he took both my hands
00:43:47sloan
00:43:48damien
00:43:49my mother will not be in this apartment again
00:43:51damien she's your mother
00:43:52my mother spent a long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard enough
00:43:55she introduced me to 14 women whose family's my last name
00:43:58she told my father at one point that i was an embarrassment to the family for refusing to marry
00:44:02she does not get to walk in here now and call you a novelty
00:44:04there is no version of this where you are second to anyone sloan
00:44:07not my mother
00:44:09not the company
00:44:10not the past
00:44:11he pressed my knuckles to his mouth
00:44:14not for the rest of my life
00:44:17he visited preston in prison on a wednesday
00:44:20i did not know he had gone until he came home and sat across from me at the kitchen island
00:44:24and poured himself a glass of whiskey and told me
00:44:26i went to see marsh today
00:44:28damien
00:44:29i had to
00:44:31why
00:44:33i wanted him to see my face
00:44:35he turned the glass in his fingers
00:44:37he has been telling himself
00:44:38since the hearing that what happened to him was the system
00:44:41that the audit broke him
00:44:43that the federal prosecutor broke him
00:44:45that the press broke him
00:44:47i wanted him to know it was a man
00:44:49what did you say to him
00:44:52i sat across a steel table from a 14 minutes
00:44:54i didn't speak for the first 10
00:44:55he waited
00:44:56he was the one who broke
00:44:57he asked me what i wanted
00:44:59i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what he had done
00:45:02that he had touched a woman i had loved for a long time
00:45:04that he had taken seven years of her life and gambled them on a press release
00:45:09that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her family would clean it up
00:45:12i told him that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to understand was
00:45:15that there had never been a moment in all the time he had known her when she was unprotected
00:45:19i told him that he was alive only because you had asked me not to make a different decision
00:45:22he drank
00:45:25he cried
00:45:27i did not enjoy it
00:45:28did you not
00:45:29he set down the glass
00:45:32i enjoyed every second of it i'm not going to pretend otherwise
00:45:35i sat across from a man who had hurt you and i watched him understand for the first time
00:45:39that he had been a small animal stepping on the tail of a much larger one
00:45:42he came around the island he stopped in front of me
00:45:45he cupped the back of my neck the way he had cupped my skull in the tent
00:45:48that is what i am sloan with respect to you i am the much larger animal
00:45:55i will be that animal for the rest of your life for any person who looks at you sideways
00:45:58i am not going to pretend to be a different one
00:46:00tell me you understand
00:46:02i understand
00:46:04he pressed his forehead to mine
00:46:07good
00:46:08reagan called the apartment on a thursday she had been told by every lawyer involved not to
00:46:14the no contact clause was in effect
00:46:16she called anyway through the main line of crane industries asking to be put through to me by name
00:46:21the receptionist forwarded the call to garcia
00:46:23garcia forwarded it to damien
00:46:25damien answered on speaker in front of me at the kitchen island
00:46:30miss snow
00:46:31master crane
00:46:33i am calling because
00:46:35you are calling because your book deal collapsed
00:46:37your father's foundation has been quietly delisted from three donor circles in the last six weeks
00:46:42your fiance's family has rescinded the engagement your apartment lease is not being renewed
00:46:48and you have correctly disduced that all of this is connected
00:46:50silence
00:46:51it is connected
00:46:53mr crane
00:46:54i would like you to listen to me very carefully miss snow
00:46:57the reason your life is currently coming apart is not because i am vindictive
00:47:01i am perfectly capable of vindictiveness
00:47:04i have not yet been vindictive with you
00:47:06the reason your life is coming apart is because the woman whose career you tried to take
00:47:09whose data you stole
00:47:11and whose recording i played in front of you in a tent at minus 31
00:47:14asked me three months ago to leave you alone
00:47:16i have honored that request
00:47:21i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to honor it
00:47:25it turns out there are a great number of those people
00:47:28they are removing you on their own from the rooms they control
00:47:32the book editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloane's
00:47:35the donor coordinator at your father's foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago
00:47:38your fiance's mother has been on the board of the whitfield climate initiative since 2011
00:47:43they are not retaliating the snow they are simply choosing
00:47:46i am not the one you should be asking miss snow
00:47:51he ended the call he set down the phone he looked at me
00:47:55she will call again she will eventually call you
00:47:58she might
00:47:59i would like permission when she does to make a small adjustment to her circumstances
00:48:03what adjustment a federal investigation currently dormant into the source of the wire that funded
00:48:08her origi greywit internship damien i will only act if you tell me to
00:48:13i looked at him for a long moment i did not tell him to i also did not tell him
00:48:17not to
00:48:17he read my face he nodded once he poured me a cup of tea
00:48:21the nights were the hardest i had not in seven years with preston slept poorly i had slept on his
00:48:28couches and in his tents and across his shoulders on long flights and i had slept the way a person
00:48:33who believed in the structure of her life slept the structure was gone now the nights showed it
00:48:38i did not tell damien he noticed anyway he noticed on the fourth night when he came up to bring
00:48:43me a
00:48:44book i had asked for and found me sitting on the couch by the south windows with the lights off
00:48:49he set
00:48:49the book down he sat next to me he did not ask he simply pulled me carefully against his shoulder
00:48:56and we sat that way until the city lights began to thin toward dawn on the fifth night he came
00:49:01up at
00:49:02ten on the sixth night he came up at nine on the seventh night he stayed he did not ask
00:49:07permission
00:49:08he came up with a small leather bag and a book and the smallest most contained smile i had ever
00:49:13seen on
00:49:13his face and he said sloan i am going to sleep in the second bedroom the door will be open
00:49:19if you
00:49:20need me you say my name you do not have to get up you do not have to ring a
00:49:23bell you say my name and
00:49:24i will be in the room in under three seconds damien i am not asking for anything
00:49:33i know i am telling you that for the rest of your life if you say my name in the
00:49:37dark
00:49:37i will be there in under three seconds he kissed my forehead he went into the second bedroom he left
00:49:44the door open i lay in my own bed for the first hour i listened to the sounds of him
00:49:48in the next
00:49:49room the small zipper of the leather bag the click of a lamp the soft rustle of a turned page
00:49:54at 11 30
00:49:55the page turning stopped he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest i got up i crossed the
00:50:01hallway i
00:50:01stood in the doorway of the second bedroom and watched him sleep a man in a charcoal pullover and reading
00:50:06glasses in a guest bed in his own house lit by a single lamp he had been waiting a long
00:50:11time to
00:50:12sleep in the same hallway as me i went back to my room i left both doors open i slept
00:50:17the whole night
00:50:18through he gave me the cranes on a sunday i had told him two weeks earlier in the way a
00:50:23person tells a
00:50:24story that no longer matters that as a child i had folded a wish into a paper crane and put
00:50:29it in a
00:50:29jar on my bedroom windowsill the wish had been for my mother to get well my mother had not gotten
00:50:34well i had stopped folding cranes he had said nothing at the time he had simply nodded he led
00:50:39me to the library that sunday morning he opened the double doors the room three stories of bookshelves
00:50:45a leather sofa his piano against the back wall had been filled since i had last been in it the
00:50:50day
00:50:50before with paper cranes there were thousands of them they hung from the ceiling on threads of clear
00:50:55nylon in soft drifts at different heights in the pale yellow of winter narcissus i stopped in the doorway
00:51:01one thousand damien one for every wish i have made for you since we were children i kept count
00:51:08he stepped into the room he turned one of the cranes gently on its thread i started after the
00:51:14year your mother died i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for you i started
00:51:17folding
00:51:17i folded one a week for the first year two a week for the next sometime around my underground years
00:51:22i
00:51:22lost track i counted them last month there were 947 i folded the last 53 in the apartment downstairs
00:51:29while you were upstairs sleeping i crossed the room i touched one of the cranes the paper was thin
00:51:34and cool the crease was perfect i knew the fold it was the same fold i had used at nine
00:51:40he had been
00:51:40folding cranes for me alone in his apartment for a long time damien what were the wishes he looked at
00:51:49me that you would grow up happy that you would grow up loved that you would grow up to do
00:51:53the work you
00:51:53wanted that you would eventually be able to come home and rest that you would eventually see me
00:52:01that is the only wish i never finished folding he reached up and unhooked a single crane from
00:52:06a thread above his head he held it out to me i would like you to fold the last one
00:52:10i took the crane
00:52:10it was a half fold the paper waiting the crease set damien when you are ready
00:52:18i am ready i folded the last crane the wish i folded inside it was that i had not taken
00:52:23so long
00:52:24to see him i hung it on the empty thread he held me in the doorway of the library for
00:52:29a long time
00:52:32i kissed him that night not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago not a
00:52:37kiss i
00:52:37was allowing him to give me a kiss i gave him i crossed the library after dinner he was at
00:52:43the piano
00:52:43playing the eight notes my mother used to hum he did not see me coming i sat down next to
00:52:48him on the
00:52:48bench i waited for him to finish the phrase i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under his
00:52:54chin
00:52:54i kissed him he went very still for a heartbeat he did not respond then he made a small sound
00:53:00not a
00:53:00word something quieter a sound i had never heard him make in all the time i had known him and
00:53:05his hand
00:53:06came up to cut the back of my neck and the bench creaked because he had moved without thinking
00:53:10he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person he has been kissing in his head every night
00:53:14for a
00:53:15long time when he pulled back both his hands were on my face his breath was not steady his eyes
00:53:20had
00:53:20gone very dark sloan damien i would like to say something say it i have loved you for a very
00:53:30long
00:53:30time i have loved you across continents and three engagements i refused and seven years of a man who was
00:53:35not me i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat i have loved you
00:53:39while you
00:53:39wrote thank you notes addressed to him on stationary i paid for i have loved you while
00:53:43you called me at midnight to ask which dress you should wear to his department dinner i have loved
00:53:46you in every shape a man can love a woman and still hide it i am not going to hide
00:53:52any of it from this
00:53:53minute forward damien i love you his hands tightened on my face say it again i love you again i
00:54:06love you
00:54:07damien he pressed his forehead to mine for a long moment he did not move he simply breathed then he
00:54:12picked me up off the bench carefully with respect to the wound and walked me out of the library past
00:54:17the wall of narcissus into the foyer he did not put me down at the elevator he carried me into
00:54:23the
00:54:23bedroom he set me slowly on the edge of the bed he knelt on the floor in front of me
00:54:28he took both my
00:54:29hands i am not going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night i die
00:54:33he looked up at
00:54:34me but i would like tonight to ask you one thing marry me the cranes in the library down the
00:54:40hall
00:54:40turned slowly on their threads in the draft from the open window yes
00:54:48damien yes he did not let me go to alaska alone we had agreed weeks earlier that he would not
00:54:54come
00:54:54he had said it himself in the kitchen that the right answer for my career was yes and the right
00:54:59answer for his heart was no and that he would not be the one who decided which side of the
00:55:03snow
00:55:03line i slept on he had meant it he had also the same night he meant it started building a
00:55:09contingency
00:55:09i found out about the contingency on the morning of april 2nd he came into the breakfast room with
00:55:14a folder under his arm and set it down next to my coffee sloney crane industries has launched a polar
00:55:22research division when last week damien the division is headquarters out of anchorage
00:55:33it is funding three independent scientific teams across the rongel and saint alia ranges the director
00:55:39of the division is a 58 year old former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally approved at 3am on
00:55:44a sunday the director reports to a vice president of strategic operations damien the vice president of
00:55:49strategic operations will be working out of a forward base camp in the ringlish range from april
00:55:5315th through the close of the field season damien the vice president of strategic operations me i close
00:55:59the folder you are not coming with me to the field as my boyfriend i am not coming with you
00:56:03to the field
00:56:04as your boyfriend you are coming with me to the field as the vice president of a polar research
00:56:09resension you invented in the last three weeks with cover that will hold up to any audit
00:56:15damien i will sleep in a separate module i will not interfere with your team i will not be on
00:56:19your
00:56:20radio frequency i will however be 300 yards away every night you are in the field you did not have
00:56:25to do this i had to do this why he sat down across from me he took my left hand
00:56:32he looked at the signet
00:56:34ring he had slid onto it the night of the surgery and never asked back because the last time you
00:56:38went to
00:56:39that mountain without me you came home with a hole in your chest i am not living through that twice
00:56:43i
00:56:44can take care of myself i know you can i am asking please for the rest of my life to
00:56:50never have to
00:56:51find out again i looked at him for a long moment i had spent seven years asking a man to
00:56:55follow me to
00:56:56airports i now had a man who would follow me to ice all right he brought my hand to his
00:57:01mouth
00:57:03thank you we landed in anchorage on april 15th he had flown commercial three days ahead of me
00:57:09to maintain the cover he met me at the airport in a crane industries parka with a name tag that
00:57:14said d
00:57:15crane vp strategic ops and a face so neutral that even i almost believed it he shook my hand at
00:57:21the
00:57:21gate he did not kiss me he carried my carry on to the suv in the suv with the doors
00:57:26closed and the
00:57:27windows tinted he took my face in both hands and kissed me as if he had not seen me in
00:57:31a year
00:57:31three days was too long i am revising the cover i will be sleeping in your module that defeats the
00:57:41cover i do not care damien three days sloan he kissed me again the cover for the record held the
00:57:50cold weather medic worked it out the first night finn worked it out the second briggs who had
00:57:55transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february worked it out before we even
00:58:00landed nobody said anything nobody had to damien did not hide that he watched me work damien did
00:58:06not hide that he ate every meal next to me damien did not hide that when i came back from
00:58:10the day's
00:58:10transects with snow in my hair he met me at the door of the heated module with a towel he
00:58:14had warmed by
00:58:15the stove the team by week two simply absorbed him finn said it best late one night in the operations
00:58:21module after damien had stepped out to take a call sloan i have seen a lot of men love a
00:58:27lot of women
00:58:28i have never seen one love a woman like that like what like you are the only currency he has
00:58:34ever wanted
00:58:35i did not have an answer for that finn went back to his clipboard damien came back in he sat
00:58:40down next
00:58:40to me he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking he glanced at the medical chart
00:58:45on my clipboard
00:58:46frowned slightly at one number on it and said pulse is up i just walked in from the field that
00:58:51is not
00:58:52field walk pulse damien i would like the medic to look at you tonight the medic looked at me that
00:58:57night the pulse was as it turned out fine damien did not apologize for asking in the third week i
00:59:04learned about the foundations i learned about them by accident the way i had learned about the wall of
00:59:09narcissus and the box of cranes and the bound copies of every paper i had ever published he did not
00:59:15volunteer the information i found it by following a thread the thread was a small thank you note from
00:59:21a graduate student in cape town that arrived at base camp by satellite mail the student had received
00:59:25a stipend from the polar atlas foundation to attend a conference where i had given a keynote four years
00:59:30earlier the note was effusive it thanked me for the body of work and the foundation for the stipend
00:59:35i had never heard of the polar atlas foundation i looked it up polar atlas foundation had given
00:59:41approximately eight hundred thousand dollars over the past nine years in small individual stipends to
00:59:46graduate students in glaciology climate science and polar geophysics the recipient list was a precise
00:59:52map of every young researcher whose work had any tangential connection to mine the foundation's board
00:59:58was three people none of them i had heard of i traced the llc behind the foundation through three
01:00:03jurisdictions it was damien's i traced four other foundations through the same pattern northern light
01:00:08trust ice and salt initiative the 1962 foundation named i realized for the year of the lock at the
01:00:17lake house the whitfield adjacent fellowship together they had quietly dispersed about 11 million dollars to
01:00:23young scientists in fields adjacent to mine i confronted him about it that night in our module he did not
01:00:29deny it damien i funded your students i do not have students you will i funded the field you were
01:00:39going to
01:00:39lead damien he took my hand i have been preparing the ground sloan for a long time i built the
01:00:50foundation
01:00:50network the same way i built the apartment in the wall not for you to notice for you to land
01:00:55in when you
01:00:56were ready when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will every promising postdoc in
01:00:59the discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you i did not stack the dare because i
01:01:04did not trust you to win without it i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight
01:01:07for
01:01:08what should have been handed to you seven years ago damien yes there is no part of my life you
01:01:13have
01:01:13not been holding up from underneath there is no part of you sloan i am not willing to hold up
01:01:18from
01:01:18underneath in the fourth week he showed me reagan's file he had not brought it up since we landed he
01:01:24brought it up only because that morning an emergency message had come through the satellite system
01:01:29a tabloid in new york had published a photograph of me being carried by damien off the medevac in
01:01:34february the photograph had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the helipad the
01:01:39caption beneath the photo was a quote attributed anonymously to a close friend of reagan snow suggesting
01:01:45that i had been romantically pursuing damien crane during my seven-year relationship with preston
01:01:50damien read it to me at breakfast he did not raise his voice he set down the satellite tablet
01:01:55he picked up his coffee he took a slow sip
01:02:01sclone damien i am withdrawing my offer to leave her alone damien she violated the no contact clause
01:02:08when she planted the quote that is now her problem not mine the deferred prosecution agreement is forfeit
01:02:12she will be charged with the underlying fraud on monday the federal investigation into her
01:02:17undergraduate funding will be opened on tuesday i would like to do one additional thing he looked
01:02:21at me i would like to release the recording the full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call
01:02:27from the wrangle command tent had been used in the ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full
01:02:32audio had never been made public the two-minute clip the press had covered had only contained the
01:02:36part about the journal the remaining 90 seconds contain the part where she had called me stupid for
01:02:41thinking money could buy a man the part where she had described in detail the strategy of waiting for
01:02:47me to humiliate myself into walking away the part where she had laughed release it he did not blink all
01:02:54of it all of it to the same outlet that ran the tabloid quote to the same outlet he took
01:03:00out his
01:03:00satellite phone he made one call the call lasted four minutes by dinner the recording was up by midnight
01:03:07it had been picked up by every major outlet that had covered the original audit by the next morning
01:03:12the tabloid that had run the quote had retracted it by the end of the week the publishing house that
01:03:17had originally pulled reagan's book deal had publicly announced that it had also voided her advance
01:03:21contract for any future work reagan's snow did not surface in public again damien did not say anything
01:03:27about it he did not have to he had told me weeks ago that there had never been a moment
01:03:32in our entire
01:03:33acquaintance when i was unprotected i was beginning finally to understand exactly what that had meant
01:03:39i drilled whitfield one the same day the recording went live we had not planned the timing the team had
01:03:44simply gotten to the site in the rotation and the weather had cooperated and briggs had said that
01:03:49morning today is your day damien insisted on coming he had not pressed to be on any other field site
01:03:55with me he had stayed within his cover he had let me work without his shadow on my shoulder on
01:04:00the
01:04:00morning of whitfield one he did not ask permission he came he carried the equipment up the ridge himself
01:04:06even though briggs had two team members ready to do it he stood 10 feet away while i drilled he
01:04:11did
01:04:11not speak i drilled i logged the call i labeled it i stood up i turned to look at him
01:04:16he was watching me
01:04:17the way he had watched me come off the medevac at teterborough a year before not breathing not
01:04:22blinking counting with his thumb pressed unconsciously to the inside of his own wrist where he had once pressed
01:04:28it to mine damien i am all right i know
01:04:36this is the spot i know this is where i called you this is where you called me he took
01:04:43a step closer
01:04:43he looked down at the snow he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been he looked
01:04:48at the lee of the outcrop where the wolves had moved through then he knelt he did not cry he
01:04:52pressed
01:04:52his palm flat to the snow the way a person might press a palm to a grave he stayed there
01:04:56for a long
01:04:57moment when he stood his glove was wet through he took my hand i would like to ask you something
01:05:02ask i would like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me on the anniversary
01:05:07for the
01:05:07rest of our lives not because it was the worst day because it was the day you called me that
01:05:12is the
01:05:12day i want to keep i closed my hand around his every year every year all right briggs 20 feet
01:05:20away
01:05:20very politely turned his back to give us privacy we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more minutes when
01:05:25we walked back down the ridge damien did not let go of my hand briggs did not say anything about
01:05:31that
01:05:31either we came home on may 28th he had said the night before we landed that he wanted to be
01:05:37the
01:05:37one who drove me back from the airport he had said it the way he said most things now calmly
01:05:41with the
01:05:42assumption that i would not object i did not object he drove me back from t to borough at 6
01:05:47a m on a
01:05:48tuesday in late spring the apartment when we walked into the foyer had changed the wall of cause the
01:05:54one he had commissioned for me in march was the same the wall of narcissus opposite was the same
01:05:59the piano was the same the library three rooms down was the same the bedroom had changed he had moved
01:06:05his things in his shoes by the door his charcoal pullover folded over the back of the reading chair
01:06:10his book on the bedside table and what had become in the last two months his side sloan
01:06:17damien i am not asking permission i am not asking you to he smiled it was the first full
01:06:22unmanaged smile i had ever seen on his face he set my carry-on down by the door he picked
01:06:28me up i have
01:06:29had a small panic every day for six weeks that you would change your mind on the plane i did
01:06:33not change
01:06:34my mind i know that now damien put me down no i can walk i know he carried me through
01:06:41the foyer
01:06:42past the wall of cause into the bedroom he set me very carefully on the edge of the bed he
01:06:48knelt in
01:06:48front of me he took both my hands he looked up at me for a long moment i would like
01:06:52to ask you the
01:06:53question i told you i was going to ask you in the winter damien it is may i cannot wait
01:06:59until the
01:06:59winter it's may sloan he reached into his pocket he took out a small velvet box he did not place
01:07:06it on the
01:07:06piano this time he opened it inside on a small bed of pale cream silk was a ring it was
01:07:12not the kind of
01:07:13ring i would have expected not from him not from a man who could have walked into any jeweler in
01:07:18manhattan and chosen any stone in the city it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold set into it
01:07:24almost flush was a single pale yellow sapphire the color of winter narcissus i knew the stone i knew the
01:07:31stone because it had been in my mother's locket the locket she had worn the day she died the locket
01:07:36my
01:07:36father had been keeping in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18 years damien i asked
01:07:41your father
01:07:42six months ago damien he gave it to me with both hands damien sloney whitfield damien i will say it
01:07:52twice if i have to say it i have loved you for a very long time i built a life
01:08:00with one room in it the
01:08:01room had no furniture and no light and one chair facing the door i sat in the chair year after
01:08:06year
01:08:06i sat in it through three engagements i refused i sat in it through your seven years with another man
01:08:11i sat in it through the night your mother died and the night you graduated and the night i painted
01:08:16the
01:08:16wall i sat in it on the afternoon you called me from a mountain in alaska i have not been
01:08:22in that room
01:08:23since the day i picked you up off the floor of that tent the room is gone now sloane the
01:08:27whole
01:08:27house is yours marry me i had thought for months that when this moment came i would say something
01:08:34simple i had thought i would say yes i had thought i would say yes because the word was small
01:08:39and
01:08:39complete and did not need any of the surrounding architecture instead i sat on the edge of his bed
01:08:44in his apartment in front of the wall of course he had commissioned for me holding my mother's yellow
01:08:49sapphire on its brushed gold band and i started to cry i had not cried since the helicopter i cried
01:08:55now
01:08:55he did not move he did not say a word he let me cry after a long time i said
01:09:01it yes he closed his
01:09:04eyes once he opened them say it again yes again yes damien yes he slid the ring onto my fourth
01:09:15finger
01:09:15above the signet he had given me in the hospital the brushed gold was warm the yellow sapphire caught
01:09:20the morning light coming in off the east river he stayed kneeling he pressed his forehead to my knees
01:09:25i bent forward i rested my forehead against the crown of his head we stayed like that in the bedroom
01:09:30in his apartment for a long time after a while he stood up he picked me up off the edge
01:09:36of the bed
01:09:36he did not this time set me down anywhere he carried me to the south windows he stood there
01:09:42holding me looking out at the city mrs crane damien i am rehearsing rehearse it once more
01:09:52mrs crane yes damien he smiled into my hair he did not put me down for the rest of the
01:09:58morning
01:09:58we were married in november he gave me in the months between the kind of wedding that a man who
01:10:04has been planning a wedding in his head for a long time gives a woman who has been allowing herself
01:10:08to imagine one for 10 weeks which is to say a small wedding i had thought he would want a
01:10:13large one
01:10:13he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan he did not he picked the lake house he picked a
01:10:19saturday in late november when the first snow was due he picked the porch he invited my father three of
01:10:25his cousins garcia briggs finn my two graduate cohort co-investigators the cold weather medic the
01:10:31surgeon who had patched my lung and the national science foundation chair that was the entire guest list
01:10:36his mother was not invited she wrote him a letter the week before the wedding he returned it unopened
01:10:42he did not tell me he had returned it garcia mentioned it in passing on the morning of the
01:10:47wedding the way she mentioned most logistical details i asked him about it that afternoon in
01:10:52the bedroom while i was getting dressed he buttoned his cuff he did not look up damien she asked two
01:10:59months ago if she could attend and i told her she would be welcome the day she apologized to you
01:11:06she did not she did not damien sloan she is your mother she had 30 years to be my mother
01:11:16she used
01:11:16that time to try to take you from me i am not paying her interest on a debt she did
01:11:20not service
01:11:21he buttoned the second cuff when she is ready to apologize to you she may come to dinner
01:11:26until then she may live with what she chose i crossed the room i straightened his tie slowly with
01:11:31both hands damien i love you he caught my hands at his collar he kissed both wrists one after the
01:11:39other mrs crane not yet in 43 minutes 43 i have been counting since 6 a.m he kissed me
01:11:46on the forehead
01:11:46he turned me toward the door your father is waiting downstairs all right sklonen walk slowly why because
01:11:53the next time you walk through a door toward me you are mine i would like to remember every second
01:11:57of it
01:11:57he cried at the ceremony i had not expected him to i had not thought it possible he had been
01:12:03for the
01:12:03entirety of the time i had known him a man who had not visibly cried at a funeral a wedding
01:12:08a court
01:12:09ruling or a press conference he had stood at his father's gravesite and not shed a tear he cried on
01:12:15the porch of the lake house on a saturday in november when he saw me come around the corner of
01:12:19the house
01:12:19in my mother's dress my father saw it first he squeezed my elbow look at him i looked damien was
01:12:26standing at the end of the porch in front of the open front door the brass lock the lock that
01:12:31had
01:12:31held since the house was built was just behind him his hands were clasped in front of him his eyes
01:12:36were
01:12:36closed tears were moving slowly down his cheeks he did not wipe them he opened his eyes when i was
01:12:42three steps away he smiled it was the smile of a man who had been waiting a long time to
01:12:47use it
01:12:47my father set my hand into his damien sir she is yours sir she always was dad smiled he took
01:12:58his
01:12:58seat in the front row the officiant a friend of the family who had married my parents in the same
01:13:03spot long ago said a few words he spoke about commitment he spoke about the longevity of love
01:13:08that has been quietly held he spoke briefly about my mother who had taught him to make soda bread when
01:13:14he was a young man then he said damien your vows damien took both my hands sloan whitfield damien
01:13:21crane i have loved you for a very long time i kept a small notebook the notebook had in it
01:13:26everything i
01:13:26learned about you that nobody else knew the way you held your fork the way you closed the door so
01:13:30it did
01:13:30not click the way you ate the corners of a sandwich first the way you bit your thumb before you
01:13:35took an
01:13:35exam i do not need the notebook anymore the porch was very quiet he went on i am keeping it
01:13:40for our
01:13:40daughter i vow to love you with the precision and the patience of a man who has practiced i vow
01:13:46to defend you the way i have always defended you which is publicly immediately and without
01:13:49negotiation i vow to bring you tea every morning and to play the piano for you every night i vow
01:13:54to
01:13:54come home for dinner every night for the rest of my life i vow to never under any circumstances let
01:13:59you walk out of a room without telling you first that i love you that is what i have for
01:14:03you sloan
01:14:03the rest is yours to ask i said my vows i do not remember them i remember only that when
01:14:08the
01:14:08officiant said you may kiss the bride damien did not move quickly he moved very slowly he cupped my
01:14:14face the way he had cupped it the day he came up off the floor of the tent in rainbow
01:14:18he kissed me
01:14:19the first snow began on cue behind him we did not have a reception we had dinner 12 of us
01:14:26around a long
01:14:27wooden table in the dining room of the lake house with two of my cousins and my father and garcia
01:14:31and
01:14:31briggs and finn and the medic and the surgeon and the national science foundation chair who had brought
01:14:36his wife the food was simple the wine was old the conversation moved the way conversations at lake
01:14:42houses move in slow loops that did not need anywhere to go after dinner damien played the piano he played
01:14:48the eight notes my mother used to hum he played the second eight notes he had written for me alone
01:14:53in
01:14:53his apartment while i had been in alaska drilling whitfield one he played a third set of eight notes i
01:14:58had never heard he stopped after the third set he turned to me that one i wrote this morning
01:15:03when this morning 4am damien i will write you a new eight notes every morning of our marriage
01:15:13damien i have already started counting around midnight the guests went to bed in the guest rooms
01:15:18upstairs damien took my hand he led me out the front door onto the porch and down the gravel drive
01:15:23to the boathouse at the edge of the lake the boathouse was lit with a single lamp he had had
01:15:28it cleaned he
01:15:29had had a single chair placed inside it by the window facing the water he had hung and i almost
01:15:34laughed when i saw it every single one of the thousand cranes from the apartment library they
01:15:39hung from the ceiling of the boathouse in soft drifts of pale yellow and the lamp lit them from below
01:15:43he
01:15:44stood with me in the doorway sloan damien this is the last thing the last thing every other thing i
01:15:50have
01:15:50done over all this time i have done quietly i have folded a rain i have painted a wall i
01:15:54have learned a
01:15:55piece of music i've bought a building i've built a foundation network i've refused a marriage i did
01:15:59all of it quietly because you were not yet mine this is the last thing i do quietly he turned
01:16:03me
01:16:03to face him from tomorrow i do everything loudly i bring you flowers in front of every restaurant i
01:16:08hold your hand at every board meeting i introduce you at every event in this city as my wife for
01:16:12the
01:16:12rest of my life tell me you understand i understand sloan welcome home he cupped my face in both
01:16:21hands he kissed me slowly the way he had kissed me on the porch and behind him the thousand cranes
01:16:27turned slowly in the draft i had spent seven years thinking my life was a story about being seen by
01:16:32the
01:16:32wrong man it had been all along a story about being held up from underneath by the right one the
01:16:38right
01:16:38one was holding me now in a boathouse at the edge of a lake at midnight in november in front
01:16:43of 1 000
01:16:43paper wishes he had folded for me before he was 30 years old the wish i had folded into the
01:16:48last crane
01:16:49months ago had been that i had not taken so long to see him the wish i made now standing
01:16:54in the doorway
01:16:55was that i would have a lifetime more the end
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