- 5 hours ago
Smoggie Queens - Season 2 Episode 2 - A Smoggie Date
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Oh
00:14How is it even possible you've never seen bargain hunts, Stuart? We don't have a TV at home
00:24What what you're staring at we're just not connecting with the words that just came out your mouth
00:28We've just never had a TV in the house
00:32My grandma didn't really sorry you went to Jack's Jew, but does that mean you've never watched home and away
00:37all the one show a
00:39Far in a bed or undercover boss a Robson Green's weekend escapes us
00:45Who the hell's that?
00:47It all makes sense now. That's why you come across as an unhinged sociopath
00:53And probably explains why your skin so flaky
00:56Hiya
00:57Yeah, I thought you were on your day tonight
00:58Oh my god, it was an absolute disaster
01:01What happened chick?
01:02Well when I turned up I thought hubba fucking hubba
01:05He was absolutely stunning jaw like a rugby ball and so I thought to myself here we go. This is
01:10the one. This is my prince
01:11So what went wrong?
01:12He opened his mouth turns out
01:14He's just another creep
01:16What is it about me that just attracts creeps?
01:18Hey, it's got nothing to do you chick
01:20Hey, what happened to carbonara neil?
01:22Well, he's not usually my type
01:24But I thought to myself no Lucinda you always go for dickheads so give this little weird lad a chance
01:28Plus we've got a lot in common since we've both got PhDs in astrophysics
01:31So I text him the other day
01:33He didn't reply
01:35Proper ghosted me
01:36You're joking aren't you?
01:37Who ghosted you?
01:38Or a little ball bag?
01:41What the hell is wrong with me?
01:43Oi
01:43You are an absolutely stunning, funny, sensational woman
01:48And I don't want some arsehole creepy man to ever make you feel like you're not worth the world
01:52Do you understand me?
01:55Do you understand me?
01:57Yes ma'am
01:58Yes ma'am
01:58Good
02:01You know what you need?
02:03Fairy godmother
02:04Oh my god if only
02:07Right chaps I best be off
02:09Well I best be off as well
02:11Got work in the morning
02:15Excuse me Stuart sorry
02:18Sorry excuse me
02:21How are you then Sal you coming?
02:23To our chicks
02:24Hey we watching Bargain Hunt
02:27Stuart's never seen it
02:29What the actual fuck?
02:31What's wrong with you Stuart?
02:34When I grow up I'mma be a supermodel
02:45And so for everyone here at Teesside Revenue Insurance and Sales Handling
02:51I'm pleased to inform you that
02:54The projected figures for this year are looking relatively promising
02:58So well done Team Trish
03:02Now before you all start celebrating
03:04There are a few recommendations that I think you're going to find quite interesting
03:09How was your weekend?
03:11Are you still crying every second of every day off of breaking up with Harrison?
03:14Do you know what Moira I'm not?
03:16I'm in a much better place
03:18I think I can finally get that sweaty worthless little shit rag of a man out my mind and move
03:21on
03:22Is that right here?
03:24Stop going around calling me a shit rag
03:31I know you can hear me
03:32Can you be quiet please?
03:34Senor shit rag
03:35Trying to listen to Marcus
03:36He's got some very interesting point
03:38By re-addressing the strategic proposals that the Commission have set out
03:43Any questions?
03:44Ah yes Elyne?
03:45I had a stack of orange post-its on my desk and now they're gone
03:50Has anybody taken them?
03:54I think we can get you some more post-it notes Elyne
03:57Any other questions? No?
04:00Well enjoy your days
04:03Just before everybody shoots off
04:05I just want to remind you all about my meeting for the LGBTQ plus network this afternoon
04:11I need to get a sense of numbers so if you could respond to the email I sent that would
04:15be stunning
04:15The only reply I've had so far is an out of office from Liz and she died two years ago
04:31Hey I've got to tell you this Brenda I completely put me foot in it the other day
04:35You know Janine who works in Argos?
04:37Oh yes?
04:38She was in having her lashes tinted
04:39She had something on her chin
04:41Looked like a big ol' bit of dry gravy
04:42And if I had a big ol' bit of dry gravy on my chin and nobody told me
04:45I'd be absolutely mortified
04:48So I says you've a bit of dry gravy on your chin Janine
04:50She says now hun it's actually a verruca
04:53I was so embarrassed
04:54I thought you could only get verrucas on your feet
04:57That's what I said
04:58Apparently she's a medical marvel
04:59I said have you got some bazooka for that verruca Janine
05:02She says no
05:02Because she wants to keep it so she can try and get an interview and take a break
05:06Oh right
05:09What are these onions meant to be doing then Lucinda?
05:12They've got antioxidants in them hun
05:13Which may protect your cells against free radicals
05:16Which may play a role in heart disease, cancer and other diseases hun
05:19Is it meant to be burning?
05:21I think that means it's working
05:29I won't be a minute hun
05:35Eee my god
05:37Ahem
05:38Your carriage awaits princess
05:40What the hell is this?
05:41Well I said you needed a fairy godmother to help you find your prince
05:44Here I am
05:46Eee I've lined you up a couple of dates
05:48And they're both absolute beauties
05:51How are you my lady?
05:52Climb aboard
06:02Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
06:09Hi!
06:14How are you there?
06:16Big chance at the other end
06:17A great effort but that was a nice hike for people isn't it?
06:23What the fuck are you doing in there?
06:25I can't hear myself think I've had to put the subtitles on the telly
06:28Just practicing my audition song
06:31What the frig are you auditioning for now?
06:33I thought you'd given up all that poncy shite after being rejected from that musical for the 74th time
06:38What is it called again?
06:40I didn't check the musical
06:41Fuck me they'll make a musical out of any old shite these days
06:44It's actually for a competition
06:46I thought I might give it a go
06:48Written a couple of new songs and I feel a bit more confident this time
06:51Aw babe
06:53Howie open your eyes
06:54There's confidence yeah
06:56And then there's just
06:58Downright delusion
06:59And I'm only being honest with you babe
07:01Because I love ya
07:02And I don't want people laughing at ya
07:06Thanks babe
07:07But I'll try and keep it down
07:10Lovely one there from Webster
07:11Right down the left hand side
07:13Into the channel
07:14You hit a left foot rocket
07:21Noooooo
07:22I can still fucking hear ya
07:32UGH!
07:33What's the matter?
07:34I'm getting zero replies from a LGBTQ Plus network meeting
07:38It's probably pissing me off now
07:39Please don't shout at me madam
07:41I know it's frustrating
07:46Please don't call me a useless Ted Cretton, madam
07:50And she's a
07:52What was her beef, mate? Time of the month?
07:54Yeah, probably, mate
07:55Guten Morgen, Harrison
07:56Guten Morgen, Trevor
07:58It's Trev
07:59I'm just jotting down the names of people coming to my LGBTQ plus network meeting this afternoon
08:03And I've not had a reply from either of you
08:05So can I pop you down as a yes?
08:07No, mate, sorry
08:08Not into all of that woke bollocks
08:11Plus, aren't you the only gay fella in the office?
08:13Eh? What about Trev?
08:15Harrison's literally set opposite you and he's a proper little ass bandit
08:19Are you gay, mate?
08:21I am, yeah, mate
08:23Fuck me
08:25I thought you were straight
08:27Hey, fair play, mate, you hide it well
08:29Oh, cheers, fella
08:31Fella?
08:32Hang on, didn't I see you kissing some fit blonde lass the other month?
08:35Well, that fit blonde lass was me, actually, Trevor
08:38Well, nah, mate, sorry
08:40You're never going to recruit me
08:41I'm always going to be a vegetarian
08:44Oh, no one's trying to recruit you, Trevor
08:46It's Trev
08:47Harrison, popped a little girl tick next to your little girl name
08:50So I'd better see you there, please
08:53Here, Harris
08:54Have you seen this one?
08:55It's Harrison
08:56Harris
08:56All right, watch
08:57I'll get it over you
08:59It's the one of the woman falling into the swimming pool
09:01Ready?
09:02All right, here you go
09:03All right
09:07Oh, she gets her head on the ribs
09:09How are you saying?
09:11Oh, she's bleeding
09:15Oh, it's good
09:16Honestly
09:18Oh, it's good
09:18Oh, it's good
09:18Oh, it's good
09:19Oh, it's good
09:19Oh, we're laying, babes
09:21You OK?
09:23Moira
09:25Where did you get those post-its?
09:28The stationary cupboard
09:30They look very similar to the ones that were on my desk
09:37I guess some post-its do tend to look like other post-its
09:51Don't you think Alain looks a little bit like Michelle Visage?
09:56I can't really see it, to be honest
10:07Dickhead
10:16Right, everyone, listen up
10:17My name is Victor Starbright
10:20And I am the head judge at North East Scott Talent
10:24Now, you're going to have to excuse the bags under my eyes
10:26Because I've travelled from Newcastle to be here in the beautiful shithole that is Middlesbrough
10:30And the jet lag is kicking in
10:32Now, as you all know, the winner of the competition gets a year's supply of ham
10:37So bring your A-games
10:43Is anyone sitting here?
10:46Erm, I wouldn't have thought so
11:00So, what's your talent?
11:03Erm, singing and that
11:05What about you?
11:07Playing guitar
11:09And that
11:10Right, which one of you thieving, smoggy bastards has stolen my fountain pen?
11:14This is why I detest coming to Middlesbrough
11:17You can't fart round here without someone nicking it
11:21Oh, oh, there it is
11:37And then the log flume went down the steep bit and we got absolutely drenched
11:42What about you, Stuart?
11:44Where did you lose your virginity?
11:46Well, I've not really had that much experience in the bedroom, to be honest, ma'am
11:50Would have thought a good-looking fella like yourself would be batting them off
11:54I just...
11:55I haven't really been out the closet that long
11:58In fact, I'm only really out to you guys
12:01What about your parents?
12:02Oh, they died when I was younger
12:04Sorry to hear that, chick
12:06So, I grew up with my grandma
12:08She doesn't know?
12:09Nah
12:10I wouldn't want to cause her any more stress
12:13I'm just happier not knowing I'm gay
12:17My eyes are up here, you pervert
12:22What are you saying, Stuart?
12:23Oh, no way, that's so funny
12:26I'm the same
12:29The thing about me is, erm, I'm a family man, me like
12:32Oh, my God, me too
12:34I think it's really important to find someone with strong family values
12:38I just love my family, I do
12:40So do I
12:42I always go round to me mam's every Tuesday for a Sunday roast
12:45She does cracking Yorkshire puds
12:47Oh, does she?
12:49Yeah, I do
13:03Erm, who's had some of my grated cheese?
13:08Oh, sorry, I thought it was communal
13:10What part of this label suggests it's communal, Gary?
13:14I'm on a very specific diet, Gary
13:16And as part of said diet, the only thing I can eat between the hours of 12 and 2 is
13:20grated cheese
13:21Do you want me to starve, Gary?
13:23Sorry, Dickie
13:25I couldn't see the label
13:27Just had me cat racks removed
13:30Stop playing the victim, Gary
13:32Do you think this milk is off?
13:36I think it's good for another day, our two burbs
13:39Hey, Relene
13:40Are you coming to my LGBTQ plus network meeting later on?
13:43I would love that
13:44But it's Fiona from HR's birthday and she brought in a caterpillar cake
13:47So
13:48Oh, enjoy it
13:53Simon
13:54Simon, are you coming to my LGBTQ plus level meeting later on?
14:04What nosey eating posture
14:07It's a no today, sweetheart, but thanks for coming in
14:14Didn't want your ham anyway
14:16Fuck me, these Middlesbrough contestants, they're worse than they usually are
14:23Free to fucking Carlo as I live and fucking breathe
14:29What you looking for, sweetheart?
14:31Your tweezers?
14:34I thought it said there'd be a pianist
14:38Unfortunately, our pianist had a dodgy curry last night
14:41It's coming out of both ends, apparently
14:44So, unless you've brought her back in track, you're going to have to go a cappella, I'm afraid
14:52Behind...
14:58It's a no today, sweetheart, thanks for coming in
15:00Howe, lads, give us a chance
15:02It sounds much better with a backing track, I promise you
15:06Unfortunately, there's no way of us knowing that, is there, Gorgeous?
15:09Because you haven't got a backing track
15:10I've got the sheet music
15:12Yeah, and like I've just said, the woman who reads the sheets has got the chits
15:15So where does that leave us?
15:17Gorgeous
15:18I could play it on my guitar
15:19Oh, God, here's another one, stuck her forehead in a bowl of slugs
15:23You don't have to do that, mate
15:24It's okay, I don't mind
15:25All right, nice, lovely, get on with it, will you?
15:50Behind picket fences
15:54On cul-de-sac roads
15:59That dampened your spirit
16:02For why you just didn't know
16:05Thank you
16:08She just doesn't look like a star
16:10I am looking for the whole package
16:13We're going to have to put somebody through to the next round
16:16You said no to everyone so far
16:18Fine
16:22Okay, well, you're through to the judges' houses
16:25Yes, thanks, mate
16:27Next!
16:35Stop doing that, it looks terrible
16:41Employees of Trish
16:43Welcome to the first ever LGBTQ plus network meeting
16:48Please put your hands together for Dickie
16:53For fuck's sake
17:11Sorry, Dickie, have I got the right time?
17:13Yeah, Humbert, no bugger shown
17:15I'm just going to cancel the whole bloody network, there's no point
17:18That'd be such a shame
17:24Actually, Dickie
17:25Do you mind if I ask you something?
17:27Yeah, of course, hon
17:28It's about me son, Ollie
17:30What it is, is
17:31Well, I walked in on him the other day
17:33And he was watching something on his iPad
17:36Right
17:37What was it?
17:39No, no, maybe I shouldn't say it
17:41Oh, Marcus, you can't do that to me
17:43Give us the goth
17:44Or did you catch a little pervert watching?
17:50It was
17:52Well, it was Elaine Page's top 40 greatest musical performances
17:55It was seven and a half hours long
17:57Oh, I see
18:00And I found this under his bed
18:03And, you know, I'm thinking he might be
18:05Well, not necessarily babes
18:07And I caught him kissing a boy
18:09Ah
18:10Right
18:11Yeah
18:12That certainly sounds like non-heterosexual behaviour
18:15So
18:15Right
18:17Okay
18:17Yeah, sure
18:19Just one more question
18:23What do I do?
18:25You know what, Marcus?
18:27I've got the perfect thing for a situation like this
18:29I'll bring it over to you for my next fag break
18:31I didn't know you smoked
18:33I don't
18:35Matt!
18:37I don't really know what to say, mate
18:39Ah, you don't need to say anything
18:41I was happy to help
18:42Did you write that song yourself?
18:44Yeah, I did
18:45Aye
18:46It's really beautiful
18:49Just like you
18:53Er
18:57I'll see you soon if he asks for judges' houses
19:05It's alright then
19:25Here you go, ma'am
19:27I still can't get over the size of Carl's schlong
19:32Have you ever seen one that big, Stuart?
19:34Me?
19:36Don't think I have
19:38Ah
19:39Isn't nature marvellous?
19:45How old were you when you came out, ma'am?
19:48Too old, chick
19:49I don't regret much in life
19:51But one thing I'll never forgive myself for
19:53Is coming out so late
19:54It's fucking hard living as someone else for that long
19:59I'll tell you what, though, chick
20:00I'm making up for lost frigging time now
20:10And so I was laser-moving this woman's moustache hair
20:13And the poor last sneezed
20:15And I zapped off her eyebrow as well
20:16That sounds like a hairy situation
20:21So what is it that you do for work?
20:23Well, actually, I'm a dentist
20:25Hey, no way
20:27So do you just walk around judging people's teeth?
20:29I suppose I probably do subconsciously
20:32I will say, though, you have very beautiful teeth
20:35Oh, thank you very much
20:37I grew with myself
20:40You're not going to believe this
20:41But Carl the horse is pissing on the exact spot
20:45Where I had my first ever kiss
20:48You had your first kiss on the back of Quick Fit?
20:51Oh, well, back in the day, chick
20:52This was all farmland
21:03I don't suppose you fancy going for a drink after this?
21:08I would absolutely love that
21:10But I've got to get back to me girlfriend
21:12She's cooking me taglitelli tonight
21:36Right, Marcus
21:38I'll throw in a few bits and pieces together
21:39So I can have a flick through and see if any of it's helpful
21:43You'll see that the first few pages are the lyrics to some well-known songs from musicals
21:47In case he's having a little sing song and you fancy joining in
21:50Then we got into the heaviest stuff
21:52I've written a few scripts of how to react when he comes out to you
21:55I'll always love you no matter what
21:56That kind of thing
21:57You don't have to use them, but they're there for reference
22:01Then towards the end you'll see I've popped in a list of gay bars and clubs
22:04In case you fancy taking him for a pint and poppers
22:07How old is he again?
22:08Fifteen
22:09You might want to keep that one aside for a couple of years
22:13Dickie, I don't know what to say
22:16This is so kind of you
22:18Don't be daft, babe, I'm only doing my job
22:20Your job is actually revenue insurance and sales handling
22:22You do know that, don't you?
22:24Yeah, of course
22:27I do appreciate this store
22:30Thank you
22:32And you know what?
22:33I don't think you should give up on the network
22:35Well, we'll see
22:38Right, I'd better get back to that
22:41Revenue insurance and scaly hands
22:43It's sales handling
22:45What is?
22:58I just can't be arsed anymore, hon
23:00I feel like I'm wasting my time
23:03I think maybe I should just admit defeat
23:08You know, Lucinda
23:09The one thing I've learnt about you in the short time I've known you
23:13Is that you radiate a pure love
23:17You're essentially like a love radiator
23:21And your thermostat is constantly on high
23:25There's no doubt in my mind
23:26Somebody special will come and warm his hands on you soon
23:29You have a lovely way of words, Stuart
23:37Can I ask you a question?
23:39Of course you can, hon
23:41Do you really have a PhD in astrophysics?
23:44Yeah, hon
23:45I'm completely obsessed with cosmological gravitational radiation
23:48And the phenomenology of the early universe
23:56See you later, sweetheart
24:01Does he normally talk to you like that?
24:03Oh, I get it all the time, burbs
24:05It's part of the course, unfortunately
24:08You shouldn't have to deal with it
24:09Oh, don't worry about me
24:11I've dealt with far worse than that big old barrel of bin juice
24:14Well, listen, if you need anything for your gay network
24:16You just let me know, okay?
24:18Oh
24:19Cheers, Marcus
24:25You okay, babes?
24:28I'm just a bit anxious about our Ollie
24:31I don't want him to be treated any differently when he comes out
24:34He hasn't got the strength that you've got
24:37I just want him to have a normal life
24:40What is normal, anyway?
24:42I'd say that us queers are very normal
24:45We're the same as you in many ways
24:47We get up and get dressed
24:49Just like you
24:50We have our breakfast
24:52Jam roly-poly with toasty soldiers
24:55Just like you
24:56We go to work, just like you
24:57And then we come home and have our dinners
24:59Jam roly-poly with gravy
25:01Just like you
25:02I know you've probably got some wild ideas
25:05About what we get up to outside of work, Marcus
25:06But I can assure you
25:08We live very normal, boring lives
25:13Just like you
25:16Oh, my ride's here, so
25:19Ta-ra
25:24See you tomorrow, Marcus
25:34I'm buzzing for you getting through to judges' houses, Sal
25:37Cheers, babe
25:38Lucinda
25:39Is that Neil?
25:41Oh, for fuck's sake
25:43That's all I need
25:44Cinda!
25:45Piss off, Carbonare
25:46You had your chance with her
25:48I need to speak to you
25:49Well, I don't want to speak to you, hon
25:51On your way
25:52You heard the lady
25:53On your way
25:54Oh, please
25:56On your way, Neil
25:57My shoe
25:58You ghosted me, Neil
25:59No more chances
26:01Look, can you please stop throwing shoes at me?
26:03I can explain everything
26:05I swear down
26:05I didn't mean to ghost you
26:06I dropped my phone when I was skydiving
26:10No offence, Neil
26:11But that sounds like a bare-faced lie
26:13No, I'm being serious
26:15Look
26:17Oh, my God
26:18I could have texted you
26:22I would have asked if
26:24He wanted to maybe
26:26Finish that date we started
26:27Finish our conversation
26:29About how gamma radiation
26:31Can affect intraocular cellular proliferation
26:33Bloody hell, Neil
26:34Can you put it in your pants?
26:52It fits
26:55I suppose so
27:02I will just say this, though, Neil
27:04If you ever hurt our Lucinda
27:08In any way
27:09We will slice you up into pieces
27:12Like an onion
27:13Are we clear?
27:18Yeah, yeah, of course
27:20Onion?
27:23Oh, my God
27:23Brenda
27:28I wouldn't mind a cup of tea
27:29If there's one going, Lucinda
27:31Ooh, hey, love
27:37Ooh, hey, love
27:40Ooh, hey, love
27:44Ooh, hey, love
27:49Yeah, yeah
27:50I can't love you like you want me to
27:54But I still love you all the same
28:01Do you remember
28:01That mood
28:01you I just
28:01wanna get Contest
28:01Please I
28:01just
28:01wanna look I wanna
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