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01:54Al Woods
02:03Donna?
02:04What are you doing in Bel Air?
02:14Seattle?
02:21I wish we could wake up from this nightmare bruiser
02:24I'm only happy when it rains
02:27I'm only happy when it's complicated
02:31And though I know you can't appreciate it
02:36I'm only happy when it rains
02:39You wanna hear about my new obsession
03:07I'm rising high upon a deep depression
03:11I'm only happy when it rains
03:15I'm only happy when it rains
03:18I'm only happy when it rains
03:24I'm only happy when it rains
03:24Don't you...
03:25No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
03:28Wait, baby, wait!
03:28And that would be the third chair this week
03:30So have to toss it with the others
03:32I'm sorry, we're throwing out our furniture?
03:34Our furniture that we rented?
03:36Honey, you're shaming him
03:38If anything, Bruiser's given us
03:40a perfect excuse to redecorate
03:44Didn't he, Daddy?
03:46Grandfather, where did we land with that?
03:48I'm not sure, but thanks, buddy
03:51If our little baby won't tinkle outside in Seattle
03:54I'll just have to bring LA to him
03:55like I did for Mama Elle's room
03:57I'm thinking real grass, doggy pool, heat lamp
04:02I think they sell soil at the farmer's market co-op
04:05How many of those roots are made up?
04:06A co-op, it's like a Bristol farms under a tent
04:09Dad, you're home
04:12People in Seattle don't want nose jobs?
04:15Turns out people in Seattle like all kinds of noses
04:17Even their own
04:19Wow
04:19Things will pick up once grunge runs its course
04:23Did you sleep okay, sweetie?
04:25You have a slight case of the Birkins
04:27Are you still upset about the secretary getting let go?
04:31Of course, it's awful
04:32Donna was such a kind person
04:34She didn't deserve this
04:35Wasn't she caught embezzling funds and forging documents?
04:40I mean, Al Capone was arrested for less
04:42But her heart was in the right place
04:44The court of public opinion wanted to hang your old man not too long ago
04:47If you want to throw her a bone, I'd be happy to put a call in to our crisis manager
04:50The one that convinced you to move to the city God and Gucci forgot
05:14Yeah, yeah, we'll be there
05:17Good morning Kimberly
05:19Happy Monday Pink Slip
05:21Oh, this isn't a slip, it's more of an alpaca tweed
05:24She doesn't get it
05:25Of course she doesn't
05:27Anyway, per Donna's unjust termination
05:30I thought maybe we could rally the student body and do something nice in her honor
05:34For example, when the Oscar snubbed Angelica Houston for the Addams Family Values
05:39My friends and I collected money for a chimp sanctuary
05:42I don't think she's kidding
05:45Elle, I'm sure Angelica Houston loved knowing that you and your friends found a way to make her award season
05:50all about you
05:51But wouldn't the best way to honor Donna have been not getting her fired in the first place?
05:58Basically, no one wants to be seen with you
05:59Yeah, she gets it, Katie
06:01Anyway, I'm gonna go honor Donna by being really bummed
06:04And you can go do whatever you need to do to make this all about you
06:23Elle? I just got your emergency page! 187? Does that mean bad haircut or are you being held at gunpoint?
06:30I don't make everything about me, do I?
06:33Of course not!
06:34You're notoriously bad at accepting a compliment
06:37It's one of your most endearing qualities
06:39Stop
06:40Wait
06:42Why aren't you at school?
06:43Oh, there was an earthquake this morning
06:45Oh my god, you should have 187 me
06:47It wasn't bad, it just, it messed with our collective chi
06:52I miss earthquakes
06:53My dad's new girlfriend is using it as an excuse to have me chauffeur her around all day
06:57So now, I'm waiting outside the polo lounge like some kind of...
07:02Pause
07:04I just found a way to get you home
07:07Cosmo's doing a semester long internship in LA
07:10Oh my god, my parents would have to let me move back or something like that
07:13I'd be a shun at CULA
07:15You could live in our pool house
07:17You know that singer that my dad thinks is gonna be the next big thing?
07:20She just moved out, Christina Ague Chile or something
07:24Okay, tell me how to win immediately
07:26Okay, I think you just need to choose from a few of these essay prompts
07:30Um...
07:31Oh, here
07:33Cosmo girls get knocked down, but they get up again
07:36When things get bad, how would you stage your comeback?
08:08How do you stage a comeback?
08:09Okay, I can do this
08:10I'll get Donna her job back, crush his essay
08:13And put Seattle in my rear view
08:15Let's get you home, Elle
08:17No!
08:18I miss Carpet Mart being uncool
08:20Once Lane's daily road through, it was game over
08:22So sorry, Liz
08:24If I hear of anybody selling tickets, I'll let you know
08:30I'd ask you what Carpet Mart is, but I assume you're mad at me too
08:33I actually didn't even notice you
08:35Which, I don't know, is that worse?
08:37Under normal circumstances, yes
08:39But, with everyone hating me, because of the whole Donna thing
08:43Invisibility is a welcome change
08:44The Donna thing?
08:46Getting her fired
08:48But worry not
08:49This is just the origin story of Donna's epic comeback
08:52I have ideas to get Donna rehired
08:54Not number three, she hates bowling
08:57Weird that she hates fun for the whole family, but good to know
09:01And who is Judge Judy Scheindler?
09:04Only the most brilliant family court judge in Manhattan
09:07She just needs a better platform to showcase her talents
09:11But you're right, she's probably busy
09:17Okay, people, today we are talking mice and we're talking men
09:21We are talking of mice and men
09:26The book is boring, can we read something more not boring?
09:30Well, this boring book was deemed a critical part of your junior year curriculum
09:35By the Washington State Board of Education
09:37So if you really have an issue with it, I don't know, start a petition or something
09:43That's perfect
09:45Mr. Nichols
09:47You're brilliant
09:50Thank you
09:53Okay, of mice and men
09:55Yet another example of why California sucks
09:59You're supposed to be learning things here
10:01When did you have time to do this?
10:03Well, technically I didn't do it
10:04I gave one of the cheerleaders on my liquid black eyeliner to collect signatures from her classmates
10:09Because I need a proxy as a result of no one liking me here
10:11Okay, okay, okay
10:12And you think a few signatures are gonna get Donna her job back?
10:15These 117 signatures embody our unified voice
10:19A testament to our unwavering resolve that injustice will not be tolerated
10:23Sure
10:24Donna broke a few rules
10:26But it was all in the interest of helping people
10:28She was caught stealing money
10:30She bought a starving kid lunch with petty cash
10:32Caleb is not starving
10:34His parents are going through a divorce
10:36And sometimes things like lunch money get lost in the shuffle
10:40Well, thank goodness for Donna then
10:43You recognize I'm an adult, right?
10:47Did your last school have any sense of authority?
10:50All sparkly clean
10:51I left your car in your spot
10:54The detailing guy found this jacket under your passenger seat
10:57Uh, uh, thank you, Ms. Martindale
11:01Principal Anderson
11:02While I do love a bold citrus
11:05I'm not sure orange suede maximizes the potential of your complexion
11:09It's my wife's
11:10Oh, you mean that stone-cold fox pretending to like sports
11:14I'm not pretending
11:15Born and raised mariners junkie
11:16And flattery is not going to get Donna her job back
11:18Get to class
11:19Well, Principal Anderson
11:20Donna deserves a second chance here
11:22Even if I agreed with you, it's too late
11:24She's working at Pike Place Market now
11:27Donna already found a new job?
11:29She's not coming back, Elle
11:31Get to class
11:32Get to class
11:33Raider west
11:34Come on, now
11:36Come on
11:53Come on
11:54Salmon
11:54Hey-yo!
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19:10I spotted a fabulous gay couple driving a Corvette
19:13And a woman walking a Border Collie
19:16And you know what that means
19:17What?
19:18Our neighborhood is the perfect combination of socially liberal and fiscally conservative
19:23So we basically moved to Cloudy Brentwood
19:25Yeah
19:27I'm thinking of hosting a little housewarming party to get to know the community
19:31Speaking of community building
19:33My classmate's mom wrote a book and she's having an event tonight
19:37Oh wow
19:38Yeah
19:39Shannon's the first person I've connected with here
19:42She basically radiates positivity
19:44And you've always told me optimism, like bone structure, is genetic
19:50We should go
19:51Oh
19:53I don't know, Elle
19:55I don't love the color story of that book cover
19:59But
20:01You know who likes to go to book readings?
20:04People who can't afford TVs?
20:05People who like being invited to housewarming
20:10And then it hit me
20:11I couldn't run from my past
20:15Instead, like the mountains before me, I had to traverse it
20:19Because sometimes the route to the top isn't the most direct
20:22It zigs and it sags
20:24But the struggle made me who I am
20:29Thank you
20:35She has such a way with words
20:37Very pocketed
20:38I felt like I was being wrongfully evicted right alongside her
20:42Yes
20:42Wow, let's go get our copies
20:48So nice to meet you, Sierra
20:51And there's bubbles
20:52Elle, we should really have books read to us more often
20:55I know
20:56Elle
20:57She is
20:58Oh yeah
20:58Hi
20:58Hi
21:00That was amazing
21:01Your mom rocks
21:03And climbs them too, apparently
21:05I can't believe you came
21:06Nobody at school ever comes to these kinds of things
21:08I mean, it's a book reading, not carpet mark
21:10But still
21:11Are you going tomorrow?
21:14Totally
21:15I definitely know what that is
21:17I love carpet
21:18I always thought rugs were phoning it in
21:21Elle, you're so funny
21:23And so stylish
21:24I wouldn't wear those cute suede boots outside though
21:27Oh, these are ultra suede
21:28Faux suede that is animal and cruelty-free
21:30And waterproof
21:31Oh, thank God
21:32Because Seattle women don't wear suede
21:33Everyone knows you can't wear soft leather in a city that rains 160 days a year
21:37Even I know that
21:38I'm not even from...
21:40Seattle
21:42Principal Anderson's having an affair
21:44This way, this way
21:47Oh my God, ew
21:49How do you know this?
21:50So yesterday, I was in his office
21:52And I commented on an orange suede jacket he claimed was his wife's
21:55And I thought, it's a bad color match for a redhead
21:58But who am I to judge?
21:59And then he said she had gone to every married nurse game since she was a toddler
22:03Which means she was born and raised in Seattle
22:05And Seattle women don't wear suede
22:07The jacket must belong to some other woman, why else would he lie?
22:09Exactly, oh this is perfect
22:11I can use this as leverage to get Dawn out of that job that she hates
22:14Oh my God, I love the way you talk
22:16You have to let me help
22:17Seriously?
22:18It won't be easy though
22:19To be honest
22:21I've never used the word leverage before in my life
22:24Marlena and John went up against a literal demon
22:26How hard could it be to get Dawn to drop back?
22:28True, you're so smart
22:30Live, laugh, love
22:34Oh, it's profound
22:36And speaking of profound
22:39This is my L
22:41Oh, hi
22:42It is so nice of you both to come
22:45LA women are so friendly
22:46You and Shannon must come over for drinks sometime
22:49I make a killer cocktail
22:51And mocktail
22:52It's true
22:52Her heavy petting on the beach is to die for
22:55We would love that
22:57Mind if we head out?
22:58I need your advice on how to handle a juicy piece of intel
23:01Sure
23:02I just wanted to tell Robin
23:04Your book reminded me so much of my husband's botched nose job
23:10My book on systemic discrimination?
23:12I'm sure you read about it, the coverage was awful
23:15Post headline was clever
23:16But article itself lacked all journalistic integrity
23:20Anyway, there we were
23:22At rock bottom
23:24Faced with a choice
23:25We could crawl into a hole and die
23:27Or we could sig and zag
23:30Our way to a new city with a fresh start
23:35And here we are
23:38Surviving
23:40That sounds harrowing
23:42Robin, it was
23:44Robin, it was
23:45Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the book, Eva
23:48I loved it
23:50Mom, there's a line forming behind us
23:53Thanks
23:54Bye ladies
23:55Bye
23:56Bye
23:57Bye guys
24:09I wanna suffocate myself
24:12I mean, the book was rough, but that last third was so uplifting
24:18Mom compared your botched surgery to Robin getting kicked out of her house
24:22Ah
24:24Well, in her defense, I don't think your mom's known many activists turned adventurers turned spoken word artists
24:30Wow, you really did read the book
24:33Again, a lot of free time here
24:35I love mom
24:36But I wish I brought you instead
24:40Oh, embarrassing
24:42I mean, everyone already thinks I'm the self-centered LA girl
24:46And now the one person who's open to getting to know me thinks it too
24:49Well, it's not the first time your mom's over-involved herself
24:53I think she's just looking to connect with people
24:55Yeah, well, it's hereditary
24:56And not in the good cheekbones way
25:00If I hadn't over-involved myself by trying to connect with people in that school auction, I wouldn't be in
25:07this situation
25:07Perhaps, but maybe there's some good news for you about this terrible hereditary condition
25:13Doubtful
25:13Your mom never stays down for long
25:16And she has more friends than anyone I've ever met
25:19And so do you
25:21Yeah
25:26Actually, I need your help with something
25:30Yeah
25:54Hi
25:56Kay, are you stalking me?
25:57Because this is starting to feel like stalking
25:59We don't exactly make it hard to find you when the only clothing you own is bad vibrations and paraphernalia
26:04That's called victim blaming and it's not the only clothing I own
26:10Whatever
26:14Is this you?
26:15I didn't know you were a musician
26:16She's not
26:17Shut up, Todd
26:18She's only sold one copy
26:19Hey, shut up, Todd
26:21I sing
26:22I sing
26:23Sometimes
26:24My mom says it looks good on a college application
26:27What are your top choices?
26:29Oberlin?
26:31Juilliard?
26:33Berkeley with an E?
26:34Uh, Seattle Community College
26:37Uh, Seattle Community College
26:37Oh, that's great
26:38You know, Terry Hatcher went to community college
26:40Okay, why are you here?
26:42Um, so
26:43I actually found out that Carpet Mart is a carpet store that inexplicably turns into a music venue at night
26:50The carpets help with acoustics, obviously
26:54Because the idea of using a venue originally designed for music is a pose or move! See? I'm getting this
27:02Anyway, I thought maybe we could go together
27:07Okay, um, so tonight is the kickoff show for Bob's Your Uncle's Pacific Northwest Tour
27:14Or like the next big thing in grunge? It's totally sold out
27:17Hell, nothing's ever really sold out
27:21Seriously
27:22I asked my dad to get us tickets
27:24He can do anything
27:27300 square feet of cut and loop berber
27:30And that is my final offer
27:31Hello?
27:33Hello?
27:34Honey
27:36Our floors are perfect now
27:37My rug guide took us on that full texture journey
27:40I remember, and I agree, it looks great
27:42I'm on a different mission
27:44Elle's asked me to help her get into some sold out concert
27:49Elle asked you to get her tickets?
27:51She probably saw how busy you were with the house and didn't want to bother you
27:55You're being sweet
27:58I embarrassed her
27:59Well, all I got her was a VIP pass to a carpet convention in Tukwila
28:07Okay
28:09For music-related inquiries, including tickets and events, we call Simon Ledoux
28:14Got it, Simon Ledoux
28:19Madison's dad
28:21He's produced more albums than Rick Rubin
28:24I may have been a little checked out back at home, huh?
28:27A little
28:30Please bring me my Rolodex and a dry martini
28:34Thank you
28:43So, just to be clear, once we're inside, I will be ditching you
28:46Oh, okay, well I appreciate your cut-to-itiveness
28:49I'll just huddle with Shannon and figure out how to get Donna her job back
28:53Next
29:06Trust system
29:08I'm sure this is fine
29:10Uh, I thought Donna asked you to stop pestering Anderson
29:13Oh, Shira's just looking out for me
29:15But once she sees the terrifying blackmail note I crafted using letters from Old House Weekly, she's gonna
29:21Wait, how do you know Donna asked me to stop pestering Anderson?
29:26Shannon! Hi!
29:27Hog, it's Hog, boyfriend's up, we'll call
29:30What's up, pink slip?
29:34Why are you here with the chick who got your mom fired?
29:38Wait, what?
29:40I'm not
29:43What's wrong, Elle? You look like you've seen a chipped manicure
29:47Burn
29:48Liz?
29:52Excuse me, sorry
29:53Liz?
29:55Liz?
29:57Hey, since when is Donna your mom?
30:00Since birth
30:02Why didn't you tell me?
30:03Because you never asked
30:05Well, that's not fair
30:06I haven't asked anyone who their parents are in Seattle
30:09And L.A. only know because he knew
30:11We live out of district, okay?
30:13My mom just told me that me going to our school hinges on her working there
30:17Which means I should have gotten kicked out when she did
30:20But Anderson was willing to fudge the paperwork to keep me enrolled
30:24He can do that?
30:25He did do that
30:26So if you start accusing him of cheating via what I assume is a sparkly pink ransom note on my
30:32mom's behalf
30:32I'm pretty sure I'd get kicked out too
30:34I don't want you to get kicked out
30:36And please just give up
31:13You look like you're having fun
31:17Everything just feels backwards here
31:20You are from a city that pays TV doctors more than real ones
31:23I mean, I try to be charitable
31:26But I just keep people fired
31:28I try to get Donna to drop back, but that's just making things worse
31:31But Principal Anderson fudges paperwork and cheats on his wife and he's a freaking hero
31:35Wait, what do you mean fudges paperwork?
31:37I don't know, I didn't exactly catch the details amidst my existential crisis
31:40And he's doing something shady?
31:42Because I always thought there was something deeper going on with the underpaid support staff
31:44I want to give up!
31:50I've never said that before
31:53Those words have never entered my mind
31:56What?
31:57No
31:58No, this place will not change me
32:00Cosmogirls are down, but not out
32:03Elle Woods doesn't give up
32:07She doesn't
32:10Okay
32:10What are you doing?
32:12Getting you out of your head
32:13I'm in wedges
32:16I'm in wedges
32:18Can you stop?
32:21This doesn't seem sanitary
32:23Hey, where are you going?
32:27Hey, Jill
32:28I dare you to have fun
32:41Sorry, this is too aggressive
32:42Sorry, this is too aggressive
32:44Take it slow
32:45Unless you're gonna go
32:46And then I'll see you later
32:47If you're late to show
32:49Walking all around
32:52On a merry-go-round
32:54Get out!
32:54Get out!
32:55Don't you want to know where to go?
32:57I'm on a merry-go-round
33:19Elle
33:20Are you okay?
33:46Okay, uh, heights?
33:495'3", you
33:51Okay, uh, heights?
33:53And kitten heels
33:57Miles, this is so nice
33:58But you can go
34:00Like, seriously, please go
34:01I can't, actually
34:02You could be concussed
34:04Fine
34:06On the drive over here
34:07You claimed your favorite color
34:08Was charcoal
34:09I did not say that
34:12Did I say that?
34:14Just testing your short-term memory
34:15You passed
34:20Ow
34:21Let me see
34:27W-O-O-D-S
34:30Mom, Mom, I'm here
34:32I'm here
34:32Oh, my God
34:35Oh, I'm sorry
34:38I am fine
34:39Are you okay?
34:40You know who I am for-
34:42Yes, yes
34:42What's your middle name?
34:43I am fine, it's just a bump
34:44Honey
34:45What were you thinking?
34:48Sweetie, people die in mosh pits
34:51Every day
34:52Well, here I am
34:53Alive
34:54And who is that handsome young gentleman
34:57Who seems very concerned about your well-being
35:00He's just a friend
35:03She's gonna make it
35:06Thanks
35:09And thank you for helping
35:11Uh, see you later
35:14See ya
35:19The minute I heard the venue was called Carpet Mart
35:22I knew the night would end in the ER
35:27Wait, you got me the tickets?
35:29Oh, sweetie
35:31Your dad may be spending more time in the kitchen
35:33But that doesn't mean he suddenly knows how to cook
35:39I'm glad you're here
35:46So, about my performance at Robbins the other night
35:50I...
35:51You know, I probably should've just said I liked the book
35:53Instead of...
35:55You know, comparing discrimination to a bad news job
36:00I get it
36:01You're just trying to connect with people
36:05It's been really hard here
36:08I've never not been like this before
36:12I hate it
36:13Okay, let me let you in on a little something
36:16High school is hard
36:18For everyone, no matter where you live
36:22But you are going to win over this entire city before you know it
36:27Let me grab those tarts
36:2910% off any procedure at my husband's plastic surgery practice if you can get my daughter seen ASAP
36:35We don't take bribes here
36:37Of course not
36:39And you shouldn't
36:40Just in case you change your mind
36:42He can do...
36:44Anything
36:50Was that necessary?
36:52Yeah
36:53Long line, sweetie
36:55And she's gonna be back
37:00I set out to help an underserved community member with her comeback
37:04And discovered I was in need of my own
37:07But comebacks don't happen overnight
37:10They're hard
37:12There will be times where it will feel like everything's against you
37:14And you'll be tempted to give up
37:17But...
37:18You just can't
37:25Because Cosmo girls are strong
37:28And strong people fight
37:34How's the noggin?
37:37Oh, I'll live
37:39Wish I could say the same for my family with dysentery
37:42I should've never afforded the river
37:44Did you ever find that friend you were looking for?
37:47I didn't
37:49But I may have potentially made a new one in the process
37:52See?
37:53Seattle can't keep Elle Woods down for long
37:58Oh, someone named Shannon's on the phone
38:01Dad!
38:02What?
38:03Lead with that
38:04Oh
38:11Shannon!
38:12Hi!
38:12Elle! I heard you took a major one to the head
38:15Are you okay?
38:16Oh yeah, I did
38:17It was pretty...
38:19Major
38:21But I'll survive
38:22Of course you will
38:23They make them tough in LA
38:25Oh, um...
38:26So that Principal Anderson thing
38:29Turns out I got a bad tip
38:32I'm dropping it
38:34I think Donna prefers it that way too
38:36Uh, probably for the best
38:38I will continue to picture Anderson as a sexless Ken doll
38:41With no perks
38:43Anyway, we're leaving
38:44Glad you're okay, Elle
38:45Byees!
38:47Byees!
38:57Not so...
39:00Byees!
39:01Byees!
39:01I'm up for now
39:03And I won't talk to you
39:14Mengele
39:15What about the house?
39:16Byees!
39:17I'm up for the house
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