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Abandoned on a Snow Mountain, I Became a Tycoon's Obsession - Full
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00:09:29She was his hire.
00:09:33She was his hire.
00:09:36how long have you known since the second wire cleared four months
00:09:46i was building i needed the chain to be unbreakable
00:09:50if you'd come to me sooner i'd have moved sooner
00:09:56i didn't know to come to you i know a nurse pushed open the door look at my face looked
00:10:01at the tray of documents looked at damon and quietly backed out damon picked up a fresh
00:10:05sheet from the bottom of the stack he turned it so i could see it was a screen grab of
00:10:08a
00:10:08private social media account locked one of two followers the western handle of a core
00:10:12counter the hand was not mine the post was dated two years before reagan had supposedly
00:10:16emailed preston out of the blue the pin post was a photograph of preston and cross some
00:10:19shoe seat or hand invencible the wound throbbed once i let it
00:10:26damon she's been with him for at minimum three years
00:10:32three years three years was an entire fellowship cycle three years was a lab move three years was
00:10:38every conference where preston had told me he was too overwhelmed to bring me as a guest
00:10:42three years was the time during which i had been planning a wedding in my head
00:10:45while writing his grants in my hand i picked the photograph back up the hand on preston's cheek had
00:10:51a small mark at the wrist the same shape as a beauty mark reagan had very pale almost invisible
00:10:57against her skin i had once told her that mark was lovely she had told me she hated it
00:11:06how long until the audit drops friday three days how long until the criminal complaint files
00:11:14riley pope has already been brought in for questioning by the u.s attorney's office
00:11:18preston he'll be charged tuesday federal jurisdiction the beacon falls under interstate field safety
00:11:22regulations reagan reagan is more delicate the wires are evidence of fraud the relationship is
00:11:27evidence of motive the recording is evidence of intent but she'll lawyer up fast i expect her to
00:11:31flip on preston by the end of next week and the academic side marsh's ethics committee convenes
00:11:36wednesday at his university we are providing the audit the recording and the wires outcome is predictable
00:11:41he'll be stripped of his appointment his doctoral supervision rights his five most recent publications
00:11:45and the federal grant he was about to sign reeves damie did not blink reeves has known about the
00:11:52embezzlement for at least two years i closed my eyes he nominated you for the independent fellowship
00:11:57in part to diffuse internal questions about who your name kept appearing on the foundation paperwork
00:12:01and never on the bylines that's why he called me that's why a door opened i opened my eyes my
00:12:07father
00:12:07was standing in the doorway eyes red coats till on the wrinkles on his face deeper than i remembered you
00:12:12damien stood up he stopped two feet from damien and put both hands on damien did not look at me
00:12:16as
00:12:16he passed thank you my father had not cried in front of me since my mother's funeral he did not
00:12:22cry now
00:12:22exactly but he sat on the edge of my bed and held my left hand the one with damien's signet
00:12:26still on
00:12:27the forefinger and he did not let go for a long time don't talk he held my hand i have
00:12:32to sloan don't
00:12:33talk he looked at the signet he looked at damien standing very still by the window how long 20 years
00:12:40sir
00:12:42i know that i mean the ring five days dad nodded once slow
00:12:53the pierces boy the one who used to follow sloan around the orchard at thanksgiving
00:12:58and pretend he didn't care if she shared her dessert
00:13:03yes sir dad almost smiled i told your father at the time told him what sir
00:13:08that you were going to be the kind of man who ran out of things to fear by the age
00:13:12of 30
00:13:17he didn't believe me he was wrong sweetheart
00:13:26the foundation is mine again as of this morning the board approved a clean break from the marsh
00:13:33laboratory and all of his ongoing projects the audit will be public when it drops your name
00:13:40will be cleared as of friday morning the donor wall in cambridge will be re-engraved with your
00:13:46sole credit on the whitfield climate initiative dad that's that's seven years of your life sloan
00:13:52not a favor he pressed my hand he stood up he kissed my forehead the way he had when i
00:13:59was a child home from
00:14:00school with strep
00:14:04i'm gonna step outside and let you rest i'll be in the hall i'll be in the hall he looked
00:14:08at damien crane
00:14:10sir when she's better we talk
00:14:15yes sir
00:14:19the door closed
00:14:22i looked at damien i had known him for a long time
00:14:27he gave you permission he sat back down on the edge of the bed
00:14:30he didn't have to i never asked him for any
00:14:36but yes he did
00:14:40i'll wait until you're ready
00:14:43for what
00:14:45he almost smiled
00:14:46not quite
00:14:47everything
00:15:00friday morning the audit dropped it hit the internet at 6 a.m eastern a leak coordinated
00:15:05presumably by damien's communications team went to a science investigative reporter at a respected outlet
00:15:11by 8 the headline had been picked up by every major u s paper by 10 the hashtag was trending
00:15:16garcia walked into my room with a tablet and a tray of fresh squeezed orange juice
00:15:20216 articles since 6
00:15:23she tapped the screen
00:15:27glaciotology star falls in whitefield foundation fraud probe inside the regling cover up
00:15:31i scrolled photographs of preston
00:15:33photographs of the rangel camp
00:15:35a still from the radio archive showing the time stamp on preston's order to disable my beacon
00:15:40a photograph of the equipment crate i had spent the night inside
00:15:43with claw marks down the side
00:15:45taken by a federal investigator the morning after my evacuation
00:15:49the comments were brutal
00:15:50if this is what academic excellence looks like
00:15:52this man let his girlfriend bleed in the snow for a grand
00:15:55the deputy who turned off her beacon should be in handcuffs by lunch
00:15:59i scrolled until i found reagan
00:16:01she had preempted the audit
00:16:05sloan whitfield could have died
00:16:06cry harder
00:16:09i closed the tablet
00:16:10how is preston taking it he has not been seen leaving his apartment the university has placed him on administrative
00:16:15leave pending wednesday's hearing riley pope has been charged he pleaded out 18 months federal with cooperation
00:16:21reagan snow's lawyer issued a statement at 7 a.m claiming she will fully co-op
00:16:25reeds dr reeves announced his retirement at 6 30 effective immediately the university accepted within the hour
00:16:32i exhaled the wound did not mind anymore
00:16:35in a meeting he'll be back at noon he left this for you
00:16:38she slid a small white card onto the tray
00:16:40i picked it up
00:16:42by saturday i was sitting upright in a chair by the window
00:16:45by sunday i was walking the corridor twice a day with a nurse at my elbow
00:16:48by monday they had moved me out of the icu and into a regular suite on the 14th floor
00:16:53where the view stretched all the way down across the east river
00:16:56the flowers had started arriving friday afternoon and had not stopped
00:17:00the first arrangement was from my graduate school cohort
00:17:02the second from the foundation board
00:17:04the third and this one had made me sit up from the chair of the national science foundation
00:17:08who had written a personal note saying he had been appalled
00:17:11and that i should consider
00:17:12when i was well enough picking up the principal investigator role on the project
00:17:15that had been preston's
00:17:17the fourth came with no card
00:17:18you're upright
00:17:21i'm upright
00:17:22how does it feel
00:17:23like i have a hole in my chest but a much smaller one than yesterday
00:17:27he almost smiled
00:17:28from you
00:17:32narcissus
00:17:33from the lake house
00:17:38damien
00:17:39he met my eyes
00:17:41how long
00:17:44the flower
00:17:46since you were 12
00:17:48not the flower
00:17:49he sat on the edge of the bed
00:17:51i sat with that
00:17:51sloan
00:17:5220 years
00:17:53i was 29
00:17:5420 years
00:17:54that meant when i had cried to him about my freshman year boyfriend at 16 he had already known
00:17:59that meant every time
00:17:59over the long stretch of years
00:18:01he had appeared at the edge of my life with the precise timing of a person who was paying very
00:18:04close attention
00:18:05without ever announcing himself
00:18:07i looked at the signet on my left hand
00:18:11damien
00:18:16why didn't you ever say
00:18:18damien took a long time to answer
00:18:20the light from the window had begun to thin
00:18:22the kind of new york winter dusk that turns everything blue
00:18:25when you were 12 you were 12 you were 12 there was nothing to say
00:18:29when you were 16 you were dating that boy
00:18:31you were happy there was nothing to say
00:18:34when you were 19 you came home from college and told me you'd met a graduate student named
00:18:38preston marsh
00:18:40you want to know what i thought of him
00:18:44i told you he was fine
00:18:46you told me he was fine
00:18:48he wasn't fine
00:18:50i knew he wasn't fine
00:18:53but you wanted permission
00:18:54you were not asking me what i thought of him
00:18:58you were asking me to bless what you had already decided
00:19:02you blessed it anyway
00:19:04i blessed it anyway
00:19:06why
00:19:07he looked down at his hands
00:19:08because if i'd said no you would have done it anyway
00:19:10and i would have lost you for the next decade
00:19:12instead of being able to sit across a holiday table from you twice a year
00:19:17i made a calculation
00:19:19the calculation was wrong
00:19:20he looked up
00:19:22i would have made a different one
00:19:24if i had known
00:19:26known what
00:19:28that he would put a hole in your chest
00:19:30the room held the sentence
00:19:31i felt the wound stir
00:19:32it did not hurt the same way anymore
00:19:34it hurt differently
00:19:35like something was being said through it
00:19:37and not done to it
00:19:38it wasn't his hole
00:19:39it was an ice shard
00:19:41it was his hole
00:19:42he left you with it
00:19:43he turned off your beacon
00:19:45he drove away
00:19:46he did not soften the statement
00:19:47the shape of the wound is ice full
00:19:49and you crossed the country
00:19:51the cause of the wound is preston marsh
00:19:53i would have crossed any country
00:19:58damien
00:19:59he did not look away
00:20:04i'm not gonna forgive him
00:20:06i know
00:20:07i'm not gonna take him back
00:20:09i know
00:20:12i am however
00:20:13going to need a minute
00:20:19i've spent a lifetime waiting for you
00:20:21take all the time you need
00:20:27he stood
00:20:27he bent forward
00:20:28his lips brushed my forehead
00:20:29light
00:20:30the way an older brother might
00:20:31the way a person who had been disciplined
00:20:32about a feeling for a very long time might
00:20:34when the door was finally cracked open
00:20:36i have a meeting at 7
00:20:37i'll be back at 9
00:20:39damien
00:20:42don't be late
00:20:43he almost smiled
00:20:44he left
00:20:45the narcissist on the windowsill held their pale yellow in the blue light
00:20:50tuesday afternoon
00:20:51preston was arraigned
00:20:52i did not watch the live stream
00:20:54gossier told me about it after the fact
00:20:56sitting in the chair by my bed with her tablet face down on her knee
00:20:59she summarized in her efficient
00:21:01neutral voice
00:21:02the same voice she used to read me the morning's flower deliveries
00:21:05preston had been processed through the federal courthouse in lower manhattan
00:21:09the charges were read loud
00:21:11federal embezzlement and wire fraud
00:21:14knowingly dissaying a fellow team member's emergency equipment in a hazardous environment
00:21:31his bail had been set at one million dollars
00:21:34his attorney had argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:37the prosecution had pointed to the whitfield foundation audit
00:21:41and to a passport that on inspection contained a sealed visa for a country with no extradition treaty
00:21:47his bail was set at one million dollars
00:21:50his attorney argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:52the prosecution pointed to the audit
00:21:54and to a passport with a visa for a country with no extradition treaty
00:21:58bail remained at one million dollars
00:22:00his passport was revoked
00:22:02how did he look?
00:22:04smaller
00:22:06smaller?
00:22:07at faculty fundraisers he carried himself like a man waiting to be the smartest in any room
00:22:11today he carried himself like a man waiting to be told what to do
00:22:15she set the tablet on the bedside table
00:22:17mr crane wants me to tell you
00:22:19wednesday's ethics committee hearing has been moved to 10 a.m
00:22:21the university requested that you attend by video link
00:22:25you may decline
00:22:26i'll attend
00:22:28mr crane suspected you would
00:22:32she rose
00:22:33is there anything else miss whitfield?
00:22:36one thing
00:22:38reagan
00:22:39she has not been arraigned
00:22:40the u.s attorney's office is finalizing terms
00:22:42she will testify against preston and dr reeves
00:22:46she will not be testifying against you
00:22:47she will likely receive limited immunity on the fraud charges
00:22:50a deferred prosecution agreement
00:22:52community service
00:22:53and a permanent bar from federally funded research
00:22:56she still has her social media
00:22:58she still has her social media
00:22:59the court cannot regulate that
00:23:01that's fine
00:23:03let her have it
00:23:05mr crane will be displeased
00:23:06mr crane will live
00:23:08garcia paused
00:23:10halfway to the door
00:23:11garcia tilted her head a fraction
00:23:13she almost laughed
00:23:14she left
00:23:14i lay back against the pillows
00:23:16and watched the narcissist tilt slowly toward the late afternoon sun
00:23:19wednesday morning
00:23:2010 a.m garcia rolled in a portable monitor on a tray and angled it toward the bed
00:23:24the ethics committee at preston's university convened on screen seven chairs around a heavy wood table in a panelled room
00:23:30i had been inside
00:23:31once during my own thesis defense
00:23:33when reeves had introduced me as one of his students
00:23:35reeves was not at the table today
00:23:37he had retired friday morning
00:23:39the chair of the committee
00:23:40a tall woman in her 60s whose hair was twisted into a low knot
00:23:43opened the proceedings
00:23:45mr marsh
00:23:46do you have anything to say before we begin
00:23:48preston rose from his seat at the foot of the table
00:23:50he had aged a decade and five days
00:23:52the polished hair was unkempt
00:23:54the pressed shirt was open at the collar without a tie
00:23:57i do
00:23:58his voice was flatter than i had ever heard it
00:24:00whatever the committee decides
00:24:01i accept
00:24:04i acknowledge the irregularities in the funding records of the regling expedition
00:24:09i acknowledge the irregularities in the authorship history of the manuscripts under review
00:24:15on the day of the avalanche i did not handle the evacuation of my team as i should have
00:24:20the chair did not soften
00:24:22i accept the consequences of those choices
00:24:24the committee has reviewed the audit
00:24:26the field radio archive the wire records and the personal contribution log of sloan whitstone
00:24:31the committee has also reviewed the statement obtained this morning under cooperation agreement
00:24:37from riley cope
00:24:39do you acknowledge that you transmitted a radio instruction to disable sloan whitfile's emergency locator
00:24:48the room was very still
00:24:51i do
00:24:56at the time you transmitted that instruction were you aware that sloan whitston was injured
00:25:00and at the edge of the camp perimeter
00:25:03i do
00:25:10mr marsh the committee finds the following
00:25:13you have engaged in academic misconduct of the most serious kind
00:25:19your conduct on the day of the avalanche
00:25:21endangered the life of a fellow expedition member
00:25:24the body of work submitted under your sole authorship for the past four years
00:25:29contains substantial material taken from the unpublished work of sloan whitnick without consent or attribution
00:25:40the committee recommends that your tenure be revoked
00:25:42your doctoral supervision rights be terminated and the five most recent publications under your name be retracted
00:25:47you be permanently barred from holding any federally funded academic appointment
00:25:51the regular climate proxies grant should be revoked and the funds returned
00:25:55do you wish to respond
00:25:58preston was silent for a long time
00:26:00no
00:26:01then he sat back down
00:26:07the chair rose the committee rose with her
00:26:10this hearing is adjourned
00:26:11the screen went black
00:26:17i sat for a moment in the dim hospital room
00:26:20garcia rolled the monitor away
00:26:26it's done
00:26:29it's done
00:26:30it's done
00:26:31it's done
00:26:32it's done
00:26:38he came on thursday
00:26:39not by appointment
00:26:40there's a man at security in the lobby asking to see you
00:26:44he's saying
00:26:44he said his name was preston marsh
00:26:47i had told garcia
00:26:48he said he doesn't expect you to say yes
00:26:51let him up
00:26:52that i would receive him
00:26:53i had thought about it carefully
00:26:54i had thought about it the way damien thought about a chain of evidence not for spite
00:26:58not for forgiveness
00:26:59but to close the circuit
00:27:00i had spent seven years inside that circuit
00:27:03i needed to walk out under my own power
00:27:05damien was in a meeting on the other side of town
00:27:07i had not told him i had agreed to this
00:27:09i had not told him i had not agreed to this either
00:27:12the door opened
00:27:12preston stood in the doorway
00:27:14he did not come in
00:27:15he looked exactly as he had on the video feed except smaller
00:27:18somehow
00:27:18in person
00:27:19the way garcia had said
00:27:20the charcoal suit replaced by jeans and a sweater that did not fit him quite right
00:27:24the glass is askew
00:27:33sloan
00:27:35get up
00:27:35i won't
00:27:36i'm not asking
00:27:37he stayed where he was
00:27:39i came to apologize
00:27:43he breathed in once
00:27:44at once
00:27:46i owe you an apology i cannot make in two pages
00:27:50i wrote it badly
00:27:53every grant
00:27:55every piece of equipment
00:27:56every late night
00:27:59i knew
00:28:00i always knew
00:28:02i told myself a story about it that let me sleep
00:28:05and the night of the avalanche
00:28:08i told riley to turn off the beacon
00:28:12i told myself the whitfields would send a plane
00:28:16i told myself
00:28:18you would always have a way out
00:28:21that's what i told myself
00:28:23so leaving you in the snow had no consequence
00:28:33that's what i told myself
00:28:35that's what i told myself
00:28:35the room held it
00:28:37i let it hold
00:28:39i thought i did
00:28:43i want to start it
00:28:43as if i was missing
00:28:43i will anyway
00:28:49preston
00:28:49he looked up
00:28:52get off the floor
00:28:55i won't you will because this is my room in my hospital in my city and i'm telling you to
00:29:03he
00:29:03got off the floor he stood near the foot of my bed three things hands at his sides head still
00:29:08bowed one i am not retracting any of the charges the federal case will proceed your career will
00:29:15not survive it that is not negotiable i haven't two i will not be writing a victim impact statement
00:29:25that asks the court for leniency i will be writing one that asks the court to apply the full weight
00:29:31of the statute you are free to write your own you are free to ask dr revils to write his
00:29:36own understood
00:29:41three i looked at him for a long time he had once been a man i would have crossed any
00:29:46distance to
00:29:47please there had been a year possibly two when i had organized my entire life around the question
00:29:52of what preston would think i looked at him now and i felt nothing not contempt not pity not love
00:29:58not even anger a clean nothing the way you might look at a coat you wore through college
00:30:03hanging in the back of a closet and feel surprised that you had ever fit into it
00:30:11i do not accept it
00:30:17not because it isn't sincere today it might be i think it might be what i have learned in seven
00:30:25years of you is that your sincerity is a renewable resource it comes back every time the consequences
00:30:32arrive it always sound the same it always asks the same thing which is for me to absorb the cost
00:30:40i'm done absorbing the cost
00:30:45you will live with what you did
00:30:48i will not be helping you live with it for a moment i thought he might say something more some
00:30:53version of
00:30:54the speech refine now to its purest form that he had been delivering to me in fragments for seven
00:30:59years he didn't he closed his eyes once he opened them i understand he walked to the door in the
00:31:04doorway
00:31:05he paused he did not look back sloan yes be happy
00:31:14the door closed behind him i sat alone in the hospital suite with the late afternoon light moving slowly across
00:31:19the floor i waited to feel something after a long time i noticed what i felt was the absence of
00:31:24something a weight i had been carrying since the year i was 22
00:31:2722. for seven years i carried that weight i turned my life into a project just to be seen
00:31:34i piled up my efforts as evidence but i don't need to be seen by him anymore
00:31:43when i had decided that the rest of my life was going to be a project of making one specific
00:31:47man see
00:31:47me it was no longer there i picked up my phone i texted damien come back when you can
00:31:54he answered within 10 seconds on my way
00:31:58damien did not knock the door to my hospital suite opened 12 minutes after preston walked out of it and
00:32:03damien stood in the doorway with snow still melting on his shoulders he did not look at me first he
00:32:08looked at the chair where preston had been kneeling he looked at the spot on the carpet where preston's
00:32:12knees had pressed two indentations he looked at the trace of cologne preston's faint civilians still hanging
00:32:19in the air he crossed the room in five strides did he touch you damien sloan did he touch you
00:32:30no
00:32:37his thumbs moved across my cheekbones my temples the line of my jaw checking
00:32:42the way a person checks a child after they have fallen
00:32:49i should not have left this morning i asked garcia to let him up
00:32:56i know she called me on the drive back i broke three traffic laws damien i would have broken 30.
00:33:10look at me
00:33:19i had not in all the time i had known him seen damien crane afraid of anything not his father
00:33:26not his mother not a boardroom not a press conference not the leverage held over him by half of manhattan
00:33:34he was afraid now he was afraid that i had spent 12 minutes in a room with the man i
00:33:39had loved for
00:33:39seven years and that 12 minutes was all it took for me to forgive him
00:33:46i told him no i know i told him to leave
00:33:53i know i am not going back to him he closed his eyes he pressed his forehead to mine he
00:34:01stayed there
00:34:01breathing for a long time
00:34:10slone i am about to be very selfish be selfish
00:34:17i do not want to leave this room again then don't he did not
00:34:35he did not sleep that night the chair he pulled up to my bed was leather and too small
00:34:39he folded himself into it anyway he held my left hand inside both of his and watched the heart
00:34:46monitor as if it might lie if he looked away sometime around 3 a.m i pretended to be asleep
00:34:51just to see what he would do he stood up he walked to the window he looked out at the
00:34:57east river for 10
00:34:58minutes he turned back he stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise and fall counting
00:35:03with
00:35:04the precision of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac then he came back to the
00:35:08chair he leaned
00:35:09in he pressed his lips very lightly to the inside of my wrist where the ivy line went in he
00:35:15whispered into
00:35:16my skin
00:35:31i am sorry i did not come sooner
00:35:36when
00:35:40you were awake sooner when damien
00:35:49eight years ago
00:35:51when
00:35:52the night you came home from grad school for the holiday
00:35:55you laughed at something preston said about a sample i had never heard of
00:35:59i went home and painted 700 nassaville on a wall
00:36:03and decided i would wait
00:36:06i should have come for you that night
00:36:09damien
00:36:11i would have if i had known how it would end
00:36:15he looked at the signet on my fourth finger
00:36:18i bought this a long time ago
00:36:21this ring
00:36:23this ring
00:36:25for me
00:36:26for the day i stopped waiting
00:36:30i waited far longer than i should have
00:36:32i am not waiting an hour longer than i have to
00:36:36damien
00:36:39what are you telling me
00:36:40he met my eyes
00:36:47i am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise
00:36:50when you walk out of this hospital you walk into my house
00:36:59and you do not walk out of it again unless i am holding the door
00:37:06the next person who tries to take you from me will spend the rest of his life regretting it
00:37:25faster
00:37:27good
00:37:36discharge day
00:37:37damien did not let a nurse touch me
00:37:39he sent the wheelchair away
00:37:40he sent the orderly away
00:37:42he scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees and one behind my shoulders and carried
00:37:47me
00:37:47slowly the length of the corridor to the elevator
00:37:50i had walked
00:37:51by then
00:37:52the length of that corridor on my own three times
00:37:55i did not need to be carried
00:37:57i did not object
00:37:59the elevator opened in the underground garage
00:38:01a black idled
00:38:02he set me down only long enough to open the door
00:38:05and then he lifted me again into the back seat as if the act of placing me there himself was
00:38:09something he could not delegate
00:38:10garcia
00:38:11in the front passenger's seat
00:38:13did not turn around
00:38:14the pulled out
00:38:15damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown
00:38:29i bought the building
00:38:31i bought the building
00:38:32which building
00:38:33my building
00:38:33i own the penthouse i bought the rest of it last month
00:38:36all of it
00:38:37all of it
00:38:39why
00:38:41i did not want strangers across a wall from you
00:38:47damien
00:38:51the other residents have been compensated above market
00:38:54they had 90 days to relocate
00:38:55the last unit cleared on friday
00:38:57the building is empty except for the staff i vetted
00:39:01and the floor i am going to put your father on if he wants it
00:39:05my father has a house
00:39:06he has a house
00:39:07he may also have the eighth floor
00:39:10damien
00:39:11you are being excessive
00:39:14i am told i am being excessive
00:39:18he brought my hand to his mouth
00:39:20tell me to stop
00:39:21i am not telling you to stop
00:39:24i can't bear to
00:39:27the pulled into the garage
00:39:32he carried me into the elevator
00:39:33the doors opened directly into his foyer
00:39:36into the wall of painted narcissus
00:39:38and he set me down in front of it
00:39:47i looked
00:39:49a second wall
00:39:50opposite the first
00:39:51had been painted in my absence
00:39:53cores
00:39:54the shapes of ice cores
00:39:5637 of them
00:39:57one for every site i had drilled in seven years
00:40:00labeled in white paint in my own handwriting
00:40:02which had been copied
00:40:03line for line
00:40:04from photographs of the field journal reagan had stolen
00:40:08i could not speak
00:40:16i commissioned it in march
00:40:18the artist worked from your notebooks
00:40:20i had the originals returned from the federal evidence locker on a temporary basis
00:40:24they are now back in the locker
00:40:26damien
00:40:28the paintings are yours
00:40:30welcome home sloane
00:40:31the first week in his apartment
00:40:33i learned how he had been loving me for a long time
00:40:35i learned it in small pieces
00:40:37the way a person learns the contents of a house they have moved into without a tour
00:40:40a bookshelf in the library held every paper i had ever published even the undergraduate ones
00:40:45even the conference posters bound in matching cloth and arranged in chronological order
00:40:50a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's recipe for soda bread
00:40:53hand copied from her handwriting onto a card he had laminated
00:40:56a folder in his study
00:40:57kept in a drawer he did not lock
00:40:59contained years of photographs of me
00:41:01clipped from family christmas cards and university newsletters
00:41:05and the society pages
00:41:06i found the folder on the sixth day
00:41:09i did not tell him i had found it
00:41:10i sat on the floor of his study and turned through the photographs in order
00:41:14and at the back of the folder i found a single envelope
00:41:16sealed addressed to me in his handwriting and dated a long time ago
00:41:20i almost opened it
00:41:21i did not
00:41:22i left it where it was
00:41:23that night at dinner
00:41:24i asked him
00:41:25the letter in the back of the folder
00:41:27he set his fork down
00:41:28he did not pretend to misunderstand
00:41:31you found it
00:41:32what is it
00:41:34it is what i would have said to you that night if i had come for you instead of painting
00:41:37the wall
00:41:39you kept it
00:41:41i kept everything
00:41:43damien
00:41:43i have kept the napkin you wrote your phone number on when you were 11.
00:41:46i have kept the wrapper of the chocolate you split with me at your sister's christensen
00:41:49i have kept the program of every recital your mother dragged us to
00:41:52i have kept the cockscrew you used to open the wine at your graduation dinner
00:41:55i have kept the boarding pass you gave me when you came back from iceland the year you turned 23
00:42:00and asked if i would pick you up from jf because your boyfriend had forgotten
00:42:05he met my eyes
00:42:06i have kept all of it because i had to keep something
00:42:08i set my fork down too
00:42:10how many marriages did your mother arrange for you
00:42:13three
00:42:15you refused all three
00:42:16i refused all three
00:42:19for me
00:42:21sloan
00:42:22everything i have ever refused i refused for you
00:42:25his mother came on tuesday she had not
00:42:27in the seven years i dated preston sent me so much as a holiday card
00:42:32she came now with a bouquet of pale pink peonies and a smile that did not reach her eyes
00:42:36and she sat across from me in damien's living room with the careful posture of a woman conducting
00:42:41a negotiation she expected to win
00:42:43damien stood by the window he did not sit he did not greet his mother
00:42:48sloan and dear i came to welcome you
00:42:50mrs crane i imagine all of this has been very overwhelming the hospital
00:42:53the press my son's enthusiasm his enthusiasm he has always been intense
00:42:58particularly about the things he has wanted for a long time
00:43:01i wonder if you have considered my dear whether intensity about this stage in your recovery is
00:43:05perhaps what you need by the window damien turned he did not raise his voice
00:43:10mother damien you have 10 seconds to walk out of this apartment
00:43:16damien i am only eight seconds you will not speak to me
00:43:22six seconds the peonies untouched on the coffee table trembled with the vibration of the elevator
00:43:28returning to the foyer she rose she gathered her coat she looked at me with the same smile pulled
00:43:33tight across her face my dear when this novelty passes two seconds she left the elevator doors closed
00:43:40damien did not move for a long moment then he crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair
00:43:44where i was sitting he took both my hands sloan
00:43:49damien my mother will not be in this apartment again
00:43:51damien she's your mother my mother spent a long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard
00:43:55enough she introduced me to 14 women whose family's my last name she told my father at one
00:44:00point that i was an embarrassment to the family for refusing to marry she does not get to walk in
00:44:03here
00:44:03now and call you a novelty there is no version of this where you are second to anyone sloan
00:44:08not my mother not the company not the past he pressed my knuckles to his mouth
00:44:15not for the rest of my life he visited preston in prison on a wednesday i did not know he
00:44:21had gone
00:44:21until he came home and sat across from me at the kitchen island and poured himself a glass of whiskey
00:44:26and told me i went to see marsh today damien i had to why i wanted him to see my
00:44:35face he turned
00:44:36the glass in his fingers he has been telling himself since the hearing that what happened
00:44:41to him was the system that the audit broke him that the federal prosecutor broke him
00:44:45that the press broke him i wanted him to know it was a man what did you say to him
00:44:52i sat across a steel table from a 14 minutes i didn't speak for the first 10. he waited he
00:44:57was the
00:44:57one who broke he asked me what i wanted i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what he
00:45:02had done
00:45:02that he had touched a woman i had loved for a long time that he had taken seven years of
00:45:06her life and
00:45:07gambled them on a press release that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her family would
00:45:12clean it up i told him that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to understand
00:45:15was that there had never been a moment in all the time he had known her when she was unprotected
00:45:19i told him that he was alive only because you had asked me not to make a different decision
00:45:23he drank he cried damien i did not enjoy it did you not he set down the glass i enjoyed
00:45:33every second of it i'm not going to pretend otherwise i sat across from a man who had hurt
00:45:37you and i watched him understand for the first time that he had been a small animal stepping on
00:45:41the tail of a much larger one he came around the island he stopped in front of me he cupped
00:45:46the back
00:45:46of my neck the way he had cupped my skull in the tent that is what i am sloane with
00:45:51respect to you
00:45:53i am the much larger animal i will be that animal for the rest of your life for any person
00:45:58who looks at you sideways i am not going to pretend to be a different one tell me you understand
00:46:03i understand he pressed his forehead to mine good reagan called the apartment on a thursday
00:46:11she had been told by every lawyer involved not to the no contact clause was in effect she called
00:46:17anyway through the main line of crane industries asking to be put through to me by name the receptionist
00:46:22forwarded the call to garcia garcia forwarded it to damien damien answered on speaker in front of me
00:46:28at the kitchen island miss snow master crane i am calling because you are calling because your book
00:46:37deal collapsed your father's foundation has been quietly delisted from three donor circles in the last
00:46:42six weeks your fiance's family has rescinded the engagement your apartment lease is not being renewed
00:46:48and you have correctly disduced that all of this is connected silence it is connected mr crane
00:46:55i would like you to listen to me very carefully miss snow the reason your life is currently coming
00:46:59apart is not because i am vindictive i am perfectly capable of vindictiveness i have not yet been
00:47:05vindictive with you the reason your life is coming apart is because the woman whose career you
00:47:09tried to take whose data you stole and whose recording i played in front of you in a tent at
00:47:14minus 31
00:47:14asked me three months ago to leave you alone i have honored that request
00:47:21i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to honor it
00:47:26it turns out there are a great number of those people they are removing you on their own from the
00:47:31rooms they control the book editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloan's
00:47:35the donor coordinator at your father's foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago your
00:47:39fiance's mother has been on the board of the whitfield climate initiative since 2011.
00:47:43they are not retaliating miss snow they are simply choosing mr crane please i am not the
00:47:49one you should be asking miss snow he ended the call he set down the phone he looked at me
00:47:55she will call again she will eventually call you she might i would like permission when she does to
00:48:02make a small adjustment to her circumstances what adjustment a federal investigation currently dormant
00:48:07into the source of the wire that funded her original internship damien i will only act if
00:48:12you tell me to i looked at him for a long moment i did not tell him to i also
00:48:17did not tell him not to
00:48:18he read my face he nodded once he poured me a cup of tea the nights were the hardest i
00:48:24had not
00:48:24in seven years with preston slept poorly i had slept on his couches and in his tents and across his
00:48:30shoulders on long flights and i had slept the way a person who believed in the structure of her life
00:48:35slept the structure was gone now the nights showed it i did not tell damien he noticed anyway he noticed
00:48:42on the fourth night when he came up to bring me a book i had asked for and found me
00:48:46sitting on the couch
00:48:47by the south windows with the lights off he set the book down he sat next to me he did
00:48:52not ask he
00:48:53simply pulled me carefully against his shoulder and we sat that way until the city lights began to
00:48:59thin toward dawn on the fifth night he came up at 10 on the sixth night he came up at
00:49:04nine on the
00:49:05seventh night he stayed he did not ask permission he came up with a small leather bag and a book
00:49:10and
00:49:11the smallest most contained smile i had ever seen on his face and he said sloan i am gonna
00:49:17sleep in the second bedroom the door will be open if you need me you say my name you do
00:49:22not have to
00:49:22get up you do not have to ring a bell you say my name and i will be in the
00:49:25room in under three seconds
00:49:28damien i am not asking for anything
00:49:33i know i am telling you that for the rest of your life if you say my name in the
00:49:37dark
00:49:38i will be there in under three seconds he kissed my forehead he went into the second bedroom he left
00:49:44the door open i lay in my own bed for the first hour i listened to the sounds of him
00:49:49in the next
00:49:49room the small zipper of the leather bag the click of a lamp the soft rustle of a turned page
00:49:54at 11 30
00:49:55the page turning stopped he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest i got up i crossed the
00:50:01hallway
00:50:01i stood in the doorway of the second bedroom and watched him sleep a man in a charcoal pullover and
00:50:06reading glasses in a guest bed in his own house lit by a single lamp he had been waiting a
00:50:12long time to
00:50:12sleep in the same hallway as me i went back to my room i left both doors open i slept
00:50:17the whole night
00:50:18through he gave me the cranes on a sunday i had told him two weeks earlier in the way a
00:50:23person tells a
00:50:24story that no longer matters that as a child i had folded a wish into a paper crane and put
00:50:29it in a jar
00:50:29on my bedroom windowsill the wish had been for my mother to get well my mother had not gotten well
00:50:34i had stopped folding cranes he had said nothing at the time he had simply nodded he led me to
00:50:40the
00:50:40library that sunday morning he opened the double doors the room three stories of bookshelves a
00:50:45leather sofa his piano against the back wall had been filled since i had last been in it the day
00:50:50before with paper cranes there were thousands of them they hung from the ceiling on threads of
00:50:55clear nylon in soft drifts at different heights in the pale yellow of winter narcissus i stopped in
00:51:01the doorway one thousand damien one for every wish i have made for you since we were children
00:51:08i kept count he stepped into the room he turned one of the cranes gently on its thread i started
00:51:14after the year your mother died i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for you
00:51:17i started
00:51:17folding i folded one a week for the first year two a week for the next sometime around my underground
00:51:22years i lost track i counted them last month there were 947 i folded the last 53 in the apartment
00:51:29downstairs while you were upstairs sleeping i crossed the room i touched one of the cranes
00:51:33the paper was thin and cool the crease was perfect i knew the fold it was the same fold i
00:51:39had used at
00:51:40nine he had been folding cranes for me alone in his apartment for a long time damien what were the
00:51:48wishes he looked at me that you would grow up happy that you would grow up loved that you would
00:51:52grow up to
00:51:53do the work you wanted that you would eventually be able to come home and rest that you would
00:51:59eventually see me that is the only wish i never finished folding he reached up and unhooked a single
00:52:06crane from a thread above his head he held it out to me i would like you to fold the
00:52:10last one i took
00:52:10the crane it was a half fold the paper waiting the crease set damien when you are ready
00:52:18i am ready i folded the last crane the wish i folded inside it was that i had not taken
00:52:24so long to see
00:52:24him i hung it on the empty thread he held me in the doorway of the library for a long
00:52:29time
00:52:32i kissed him that night not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago not a
00:52:37kiss i was
00:52:38allowing him to give me a kiss i gave him i crossed the library after dinner he was at the
00:52:43piano playing
00:52:44the eight notes my mother used to hum he did not see me coming i sat down next to him
00:52:48on the bench
00:52:49i waited for him to finish the phrase i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under his chin
00:52:54i kissed him he went very still for a heartbeat he did not respond then he made a small sound
00:53:00not a
00:53:01word something quieter a sound i had never heard him make in all the time i had known him and
00:53:06his hand
00:53:06came up to cut the back of my neck and the bench creaked because he had moved without thinking
00:53:10he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person he has been kissing in his head every night
00:53:15for a
00:53:15long time when he pulled back both his hands were on my face his breath was not steady his eyes
00:53:20had
00:53:21gone very dark sloan damien i would like to say something say it i have loved you for a very
00:53:30long
00:53:31time i have loved you across continents and three engagements i refused and seven years of a man who was
00:53:35not me i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat i have loved you
00:53:39while you
00:53:40addressed to him on stationery i paid for i have loved you while you called me at midnight to ask
00:53:44which dress you should wear to his department dinner i have loved you in every shape a man can
00:53:48love a woman and still hide it i am not going to hide any of it from this minute forward
00:53:54damien
00:53:58i love you his hands tightened on my face say it again i love you again i love you damien
00:54:07he pressed
00:54:08his forehead to mine for a long moment he did not move he simply breathed then he picked me up
00:54:13off
00:54:13the bench carefully with respect to the wound and walked me out of the library past the wall of
00:54:18narcissus into the foyer he did not put me down at the elevator he carried me into the bedroom he
00:54:24set
00:54:24me slowly on the edge of the bed he knelt on the floor in front of me he took both
00:54:29my hands i am not
00:54:30going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night i die he looked up at
00:54:34me but i would
00:54:35like tonight to ask you one thing marry me the cranes in the library down the hall turned slowly
00:54:41on their threads in the draft from the open window yes damien yes he did not let me go to
00:54:51alaska
00:54:51alone we had agreed weeks earlier that he would not come he had said it himself in the kitchen that
00:54:56the right answer for my career was yes and the right answer for his heart was no and that he
00:55:01would
00:55:01not be the one who decided which side of the snow line i slept on he had meant it he
00:55:06had also the
00:55:07same night he meant it started building a contingency i found out about the contingency on the morning of
00:55:12april 2nd he came into the breakfast room with a folder under his arm and set it down next to
00:55:17my coffee
00:55:17sloney crane industries has launched a polar research division
00:55:27when last week damien the division is headquarters out of anchorage it is funding three independent
00:55:35scientific teams across the rongel and saint elia ranges the director of the division is a 58-year-old
00:55:41former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally approved at 3 a.m on a sunday the director reports to a
00:55:46vice president of strategic operations damien the vice president of strategic operations will be
00:55:51working out of a forward base camp in the ringlish range from april 15th through the close of the
00:55:55field season damien the vice president of strategic operations me i close the folder you are not coming
00:56:01with me to the field as my boyfriend i am not coming with you to the field as your boyfriend
00:56:05you are
00:56:06coming with me to the field as the vice president of a polar research resension you invented in the last
00:56:11three weeks with cover that will hold up to any audit damien i will sleep in a separate module i
00:56:18will
00:56:18not interfere with your team i will not be on your your radio frequency i will however be 300 yards
00:56:23away
00:56:23every night you are in the field you did not have to do this i had to do this why
00:56:29he sat down across
00:56:31from me he took my left hand he looked at the signet ring he had slid onto it the night
00:56:35of the surgery
00:56:36and never asked back because the last time you went to that mountain without me you came home
00:56:41with a hole in your chest i am not living through that twice i can take care of myself i
00:56:46know you can
00:56:47i am asking please for the rest of my life to never have to find out again i looked at
00:56:53him for a long
00:56:53moment i had spent seven years asking a man to follow me to airports i now had a man who
00:56:58would
00:56:58follow me to ice all right he brought my hand to his mouth thank you we landed in anchorage on
00:57:06april 15th
00:57:07he had flown commercial three days ahead of me to maintain the cover he met me at the airport in
00:57:12a
00:57:12crane industries parka with a name tag that said d crane vp strategic ops and a face so neutral that
00:57:19even i almost believed it he shook my hand at the gate he did not kiss me he carried my
00:57:23carry on to the
00:57:24suv in the suv with the doors closed and the windows tinted he took my face in both hands and
00:57:30kissed
00:57:30me as if he had not seen me in a year three days was too long i am revising the
00:57:37cover i will be
00:57:39sleeping in your module that defeats the cover i do not care damien three days sloan he kissed me again
00:57:47the cover for the record held the cold weather medic worked it out the first night finn worked it out
00:57:53the second briggs who had transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february worked it
00:57:59out before we even landed nobody said anything nobody had to damien did not hide that he watched
00:58:05me work damien did not hide that he ate every meal next to me damien did not hide that when
00:58:09i came back
00:58:10from the day's transects with snow in my hair he met me at the door of the heated module with
00:58:14a towel he
00:58:14had warmed by the stove the team by week two simply absorbed him finn said it best late one night
00:58:21in the
00:58:21operations module after damien had stepped out to take a call sloan i have seen a lot of men love
00:58:28a
00:58:28lot of women i have never seen one love a woman like that like what like you are the only
00:58:34currency
00:58:34he has ever wanted i did not have an answer for that finn went back to his clipboard damien came
00:58:39back in he sat down next to me he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking
00:58:44he glanced at the
00:58:45medical chart on my clipboard frowned slightly at one number on it and said pulse is up i just
00:58:50walked in from the field that is not field walk pulse damien i would like the medic to look at
00:58:56you tonight the medic looked at me that night the pulse was as it turned out fine damien did not
00:59:02apologize for asking in the third week i learned about the foundations i learned about them by accident
00:59:08the way i had learned about the wall of narcissus and the box of cranes and the bound copies of
00:59:13every
00:59:13paper i had ever published he did not volunteer the information i found it by following a thread
00:59:19the thread was a small thank you note from a graduate student in cape town that arrived at
00:59:23base camp by satellite mail the student had received a stipend from the polar atlas foundation to attend a
00:59:29conference where i had given a keynote four years earlier the note was effusive it thanked me for the
00:59:33body of work and the foundation for the stipend i had never heard of the polar atlas foundation i looked
00:59:39it up polar atlas foundation had given approximately eight hundred thousand dollars over the past nine
00:59:44years in small individual stipends to graduate students in glaciology climate science and polar
00:59:50geophysics the recipient list was a precise map of every young researcher whose work had any tangential
00:59:56connection to mine the foundation's board was three people none of them i had heard of i traced the llc
01:00:01behind the foundation through three jurisdictions it was damien's i traced four other foundations through the
01:00:07same pattern northern light trust ice and salt initiative the one thousand nine hundred and sixty
01:00:13two foundation named i realized for the year of the lock at the lake house the whitfield adjacent
01:00:19fellowship together they had quietly dispersed about 11 million dollars to young scientists in fields
01:00:25adjacent to mine i confronted him about it that night in our module he did not deny it damien
01:00:32i funded your students i do not have students you will i funded the field you were going to lead
01:00:45damien he took my hand i have been preparing the ground sloan for a long time i built the foundation
01:00:51network the same way i built the apartment in the wall not for you to notice for you to land
01:00:55in when you
01:00:56are ready when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will every promising postdoc in the
01:01:00discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you i did not stack the dare because i
01:01:04did not trust you to win without it i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight
01:01:08for
01:01:08what should have been handed to you seven years ago damien yes there is no part of my life you
01:01:13have
01:01:14not been holding up from underneath there is no part of you sloan i am not willing to hold up
01:01:18from
01:01:18underneath in the fourth week he showed me reagan's file he had not brought it up since we landed he
01:01:24brought it up only because that morning an emergency message had come through the satellite system
01:01:29a tabloid in new york had published a photograph of me being carried by damien off the medevac in
01:01:35february the photograph had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the helipad the
01:01:40caption beneath the photo was a quote attributed anonymously to a close friend of reagan snow
01:01:45suggesting that i had been romantically pursuing damien crane during my seven-year relationship with
01:01:50preston damien read it to me at breakfast he did not raise his voice he set down the satellite
01:01:55tablet he picked up his coffee he took a slow sip sclone damien i am withdrawing my offer to leave
01:02:05her alone damien she violated the no contact clause when she planted the quote that is now her problem
01:02:10not mine the deferred prosecution agreement is forfeit she will be charged with the underlying
01:02:14fraud on monday the federal investigation into her undergraduate funding will be opened on tuesday
01:02:19i would like to do one additional thing he looked at me i would like to release the recording the
01:02:24full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call from the wrangle command tent had been used in the
01:02:29ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full audio had never been made public the two-minute clip
01:02:35the press had covered had only contained the part about the journal the remaining 90 seconds contained
01:02:39the part where she had called me stupid for thinking money could buy a man the part where she had
01:02:44described in detail the strategy of waiting for me to humiliate myself into walking away the part
01:02:50where she had laughed release it he did not blink all of it all of it to the same outlet
01:02:57that ran the
01:02:57tabloid quote to the same outlet he took out his satellite phone he made one call the call lasted four
01:03:04minutes by dinner the recording was up by midnight it had been picked up by every major outlet that had
01:03:10covered the original audit by the next morning the tabloid that had run the quote had retracted it
01:03:15by the end of the week the publishing house that had originally pulled reagan's book deal had publicly
01:03:19announced that it had also voided her advance contract for any future work reagan's snow did
01:03:24not surface in public again damien did not say anything about it he did not have to he had told
01:03:30me
01:03:30weeks ago that there had never been a moment in our entire acquaintance when i was unprotected
01:03:35i was beginning finally to understand exactly what that had meant i drilled whitfield one the same day
01:03:41the recording went live we had not planned the timing the team had simply gotten to the site in
01:03:46the rotation and the weather had cooperated and briggs had said that morning today is your day
01:03:51damien insisted on coming he had not pressed to be on any other field site with me he had stayed
01:03:57within
01:03:57his cover he had let me work without his shadow on my shoulder on the morning of whitfield one he
01:04:02did not
01:04:02ask permission he came he carried the equipment up the ridge himself even though briggs had two team
01:04:08members ready to do it he stood 10 feet away while i drilled he did not speak i drilled i
01:04:13loved the call
01:04:14i labeled it i stood up i turned to look at him he was watching me the way he had
01:04:18watched me come off the
01:04:19medevac at teeterborough a year before not breathing not blinking counting with his thumb pressed unconsciously
01:04:25to the inside of his own wrist where he had once pressed it to mine damien i am all right
01:04:33i know
01:04:37this is the spot i know this is where i called you this is where you called me he took
01:04:43a step closer
01:04:44he looked down at the snow he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been he looked
01:04:48at the lee of the outcrop where the walls had moved through then he knelt he did not cry he
01:04:52pressed
01:04:52his palm flat to the snow the way a person might press a palm to a grave he stayed there
01:04:57for a long
01:04:57moment when he stood his glove was wet through he took my hand i would like to ask you something
01:05:02ask
01:05:03i would like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me on the anniversary for
01:05:07the rest
01:05:08of our lives not because it was the worst day because it was the day you called me that is
01:05:12the day i
01:05:13want to keep i closed my hand around his every year every year all right briggs 20 feet away
01:05:20very politely turned his back to give us privacy we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more minutes
01:05:25when we walked back down the ridge damien did not let go of my hand briggs did not say anything
01:05:30about
01:05:31that either we came home on may 28th he had said the night before we landed that he wanted to
01:05:37be the
01:05:37one who drove me back from the airport he had said it the way he said most things now calmly
01:05:41with the
01:05:42assumption that i would not object i did not object he drove me back from teterboro at 6am on a
01:05:48tuesday in late spring the apartment when we walked into the foyer had changed the wall of
01:05:53cause the one he had commissioned for me in march was the same the wall of narcissus opposite was
01:05:59the same the piano was the same the library three rooms down was the same the bedroom had changed he
01:06:05had moved his things in his shoes by the door his charcoal pullover folded over the back of the reading
01:06:10chair his book on the bedside table on what had become in the last two months his side sloan
01:06:17damien i am not asking permission i am not asking you to he smiled it was the first full
01:06:23unmanaged smile i had ever seen on his face he set my carry-on down by the door he picked
01:06:28me up i have
01:06:29had a small panic every day for six weeks that you would change your mind on the plane i did
01:06:34not change
01:06:34my mind i know that now damien put me down no i can walk i know he carried me through
01:06:42the foyer past the
01:06:43wall of cause into the bedroom he set me very carefully on the edge of the bed he knelt in
01:06:48front
01:06:48of me he took both my hands he looked up at me for a long moment i would like to
01:06:53ask you the question
01:06:54i told you i was going to ask you in the winter damien it is may i cannot wait until
01:06:59the winter it's
01:07:00may sloan he reached into his pocket he took out a small velvet box he did not place it on
01:07:06the piano
01:07:07this time he opened it inside on a small bed of pale cream silk was a ring it was not
01:07:13the kind of
01:07:13ring i would have expected not from him not from a man who could have walked into any jeweler in
01:07:18manhattan and chosen any stone in the city it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold set into it
01:07:24almost flush was a single pale yellow sapphire the color of winter narcissus i knew the stone i knew the
01:07:31stone because it had been in my mother's locket the locket she had worn the day she died the locket
01:07:36my
01:07:36father had been keeping in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18 years damien i asked
01:07:42your father
01:07:42six months ago damien he gave it to me with both hands damien sloney whitfield damien i will say it
01:07:53twice if i have to say it i have loved you for a very long time i built a life
01:08:00with one room in it the
01:08:01room had no furniture and no light and one chair facing the door i sat in the chair year
01:08:06after year i sat in it through three engagements i refused i sat in it through your seven years with
01:08:11another man i sat in it through the night your mother died and the night you graduated and the
01:08:15night i painted the wall i sat in it on the afternoon you called me from a mountain in alaska
01:08:21i have not been in that room since the day i picked you up off the floor of that tent
01:08:25the room is gone now sloan the whole house is yours marry me i had thought for months that when
01:08:33this moment came i would say something simple i had thought i would say yes i had thought i would
01:08:38say yes because the word was small and complete and did not need any of the surrounding architecture
01:08:43instead i sat on the edge of his bed in his apartment in front of the wall of cause he
01:08:47had
01:08:47commissioned for me holding my mother's yellow sapphire on its brushed gold band and i started to cry i had
01:08:53not cried since the helicopter i cried now he did not move he did not say a word he let
01:08:59me cry after
01:09:00a long time i said it yes he closed his eyes once he opened them say it again yes again
01:09:10yes damien yes
01:09:13he slid the ring onto my fourth finger above the signet he had given me in the hospital the brushed
01:09:18gold was warm the yellow sapphire caught the morning light coming in off the east river he stayed
01:09:23kneeling he pressed his forehead to my knees i bent forward i rested my forehead against the crown of
01:09:29his head we stayed like that in the bedroom in his apartment for a long time after a while he
01:09:34stood up
01:09:35he picked me up off the edge of the bed he did not this time set me down anywhere he
01:09:40carried me to
01:09:41the south windows he stood there holding me looking out at the city mrs crane damien i am rehearsing
01:09:50rehearse it once more mrs crane yes damien he smiled into my hair he did not put me down for
01:09:57the rest of the morning we were married in november he gave me in the months between the kind of
01:10:03wedding
01:10:04that a man who has been planning a wedding in his head for a long time gives a woman who
01:10:07has been
01:10:07allowing herself to imagine one for 10 weeks which is to say a small wedding i had thought he would
01:10:13want
01:10:13a large one he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan he did not he picked the lake house he
01:10:19picked a saturday in late november when the first snow was due he picked the porch he invited my
01:10:24father three of his cousins garcia briggs finn my two graduate cohort co-investigators the cold weather
01:10:31medic the surgeon who had patched my lung and the national science foundation chair that was the entire
01:10:36guest list his mother was not invited she wrote him a letter the week before the wedding he returned it
01:10:41unopened he did not tell me he had returned it garcia mentioned it in passing on the morning of
01:10:47the wedding the way she mentioned most logistical details i asked him about it that afternoon in the
01:10:52bedroom while i was getting dressed he buttoned his cuff he did not look up damien she asked two
01:10:59months ago if she could attend and i told her she would be welcome the day she apologized to you
01:11:06she did not she did not damien sloan she is your mother she had 30 years to be my mother
01:11:16she used
01:11:17that time to try to take you from me i am not paying her interest on a debt she did
01:11:20not service
01:11:21he buttoned the second cuff when she is ready to apologize to you she may come to dinner
01:11:26until then she may live with what she chose i crossed the room i straightened his tie slowly with
01:11:31both hands damien i love you he caught my hands at his collar he kissed both wrists one after the
01:11:39other mrs crane not yet in 43 minutes 43 i have been counting since 6 a.m he kissed me
01:11:46on the forehead
01:11:47he turned me toward the door your father is waiting downstairs all right sklonen walk slowly why because
01:11:54the next time you walk through a door toward me you are mine i would like to remember every second
01:11:57of it
01:11:58he cried at the ceremony i had not expected him to i had not thought it possible he had been
01:12:03for the
01:12:04entirety of the time i had known him a man who had not visibly cried at a funeral a wedding
01:12:09a court
01:12:09ruling or a press conference he had stood at his father's gravesite and not shed a tear he cried on
01:12:15the porch of the lake house on a saturday in november when he saw me come around the corner of
01:12:19the house
01:12:19in my mother's dress my father saw it first he squeezed my elbow look at him i looked damien was
01:12:26standing at the end of the porch in front of the open front door the brass lock the lock that
01:12:31had
01:12:31held since the house was built was just behind him his hands were clasped in front of him his eyes
01:12:36were
01:12:36closed tears were moving slowly down his cheeks he did not wipe them he opened his eyes when i was
01:12:42three steps away he smiled it was the smile of a man who had been waiting a long time to
01:12:47use it
01:12:48my father set my hand into his damien sir she is yours sir she always was dad smiled he took
01:12:58his
01:12:58seat in the front row the officiant a friend of the family who had married my parents in the same
01:13:03spot
01:13:04long ago said a few words he spoke about commitment he spoke about the longevity of love that has been
01:13:09quietly held he spoke briefly about my mother who had taught him to make soda bread when he was a
01:13:14young
01:13:14man then he said damien your vows damien took both my hands sloan whitfield damien crane i have loved
01:13:22you for a very long time i kept a small notebook the notebook had in it everything i learned about
01:13:27you that nobody else knew the way you held your fork the way you closed a door so it did
01:13:31not click
01:13:31the way you ate the corners of a sandwich first the way you bit your thumb before you took an
01:13:36exam
01:13:36i do not need the notebook anymore the porch was very quiet he went on i am keeping it for
01:13:41our
01:13:41daughter i vow to love you with the precision and the patience of a man who has practiced
01:13:46i vow to defend you the way i have always defended you which is publicly immediately and without
01:13:50negotiation i vow to bring you tea every morning and to play the piano for you every night i vow
01:13:54to
01:13:54come home for dinner every night for the rest of my life i vow to never under any circumstances let
01:13:59you walk out of a room without telling you first that i love you that is what i have for
01:14:03you sloan
01:14:03the rest is yours to ask i said my vows i do not remember them i remember only that when
01:14:08the
01:14:09officiant said you may kiss the bride damien did not move quickly he moved very slowly he cupped my
01:14:14face the way he had cupped it the day he came up off the floor of the tent in rainbow
01:14:18he kissed me
01:14:19the first snow began on cue behind him we did not have a reception we had dinner 12 of us
01:14:26around a long
01:14:27wooden table in the dining room of the lake house with two of my cousins and my father and garcia
01:14:31and
01:14:32briggs and finn and the medic and the surgeon and the national science foundation chair who had brought
01:14:36his wife the food was simple the wine was old the conversation moved the way conversations at lake
01:14:42houses move in slow loops that did not need anywhere to go after dinner damien played the piano he played
01:14:49the eight notes my mother used to hum he played the second eight notes he had written for me alone
01:14:53in
01:14:53his apartment while i had been in alaska drilling whitfield one he played a third set of eight notes i
01:14:58had
01:14:58never heard he stopped after the third set he turned to me that one i wrote this morning when this
01:15:04morning
01:15:05four a.m damien i will write you a new eight notes every morning of our marriage
01:15:13damien i have already started counting around midnight the guests went to bed in the guest rooms
01:15:18upstairs damien took my hand he led me out the front door onto the porch and down the gravel drive
01:15:24to the
01:15:24boat house at the edge of the lake the boat house was lit with a single lamp he had had
01:15:28it cleaned he had
01:15:29had a single chair placed inside it by the window facing the water he had hung and i almost laughed
01:15:34when i
01:15:35saw it every single one of the thousand cranes from the apartment library they hung from the ceiling
01:15:40of the boat house in soft drifts of pale yellow and the lamp lit them from below he stood with
01:15:45me in
01:15:45the doorway sloan damien this is the last thing the last thing every other thing i have done over all
01:15:51this time i have done quietly i have folded a rain i have painted a wall i have learned a
01:15:55piece of music
01:15:56i've bought a building i've built a foundation network i've refused a marriage i did all of it quietly
01:16:00because you are not yet mine this is the last thing i do quietly he turned me to face him
01:16:04from
01:16:04tomorrow i do everything loudly i bring you flowers in front of every restaurant i hold your hand at
01:16:09every board meeting i introduce you at every event in the city as my wife for the rest of my
01:16:12life
01:16:13tell me you understand i understand sloan welcome home he cupped my face in both hands he kissed me slowly
01:16:23the way he had kissed me on the porch and behind him a thousand cranes turned slowly in the draft
01:16:28i had spent seven years thinking my life was a story about being seen by the wrong man it had
01:16:33been all
01:16:34along a story about being held up from underneath by the right one the right one was holding me now
01:16:39in
01:16:40a boat house at the edge of a lake at midnight in november in front of one thousand paper wishes
01:16:44he had
01:16:45folded for me before he was 30 years old the wish i had folded into the last crane months ago
01:16:50had been
01:16:51that i had not taken so long to see him the wish i made now standing in the doorway was
01:16:56that i would
01:16:56have a lifetime more the end
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