- 9 hours ago
Abandoned on a Snow Mountain, I Became a Tycoon's Obsession - Full EP
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Short filmTranscript
00:05:25You think you've won.
00:05:28You have money.
00:05:30You have a name.
00:06:45garcia in the doorway two security guards a respectful distance behind sloan you think
00:06:50you've cleaned all of it up she picked up the lilies on her way out wait until the audit drops
00:06:54then ask damien crane what he found the door closed behind her i turned my head toward the
00:06:59corner chair damien was already standing he did not look at me he was looking at the door reagan
00:07:04had just walked through his jaw was set in a way i had not seen since the tent in wrangle
00:07:08he turned
00:07:08to me the look i caught the first time was a man assessing exactly how angry he should let himself
00:07:13become damien sat back down on the edge of the bed he took his time he did not rush he
00:07:17laced his
00:07:17fingers across his knee he breathed in once deeply the way i had seen him do at family dinners when
00:07:21his mother said something cruel and he chose not to make it a war sloan she has mastered clues that
00:07:25we do not know that's right it's related to auditing about the audit i waited he was choosing his word
00:07:33i was going to wait until tomorrow to bring this up the audit is not finished the number is not
00:07:37final
00:07:37how bad six million unaccounted for is the floor not the ceiling six million dollars was not a clerical
00:07:45error six million dollars was a pattern six million through what a shell company registered in
00:07:53delaware address goes to a peepo box the signatory is a name i'm running down the wire pattern matches
00:07:59equipment vendor payments diving rigs that never arrived drill bits that were never installed travel
00:08:05reimbursements for trips no one took for seven years for at least the last four i closed my eyes
00:08:13the money had never mattered my family had given the foundation more in any single year than what
00:08:17preston had pocket in four what mattered was the shape of it the shape was he had been planning this
00:08:22since at least four years ago since the year he and i had taken a sabbatical month to iceland together
00:08:27the year he had asked me to marry him and then walked it back the same evening because it wasn't
00:08:32the right time
00:08:38damien i opened my eyes what does reagan have that we don't
00:08:45her name on a wire two of them so far
00:08:54she's not the graduate studies she's been pretending to be damien laid it out on the rolling tray table at
00:08:58my elbow two wire transferals both routed through the same delaware shell both signed at the receiving
00:09:02end by our snow the amounts were not enormous 84 000 112 000 both wired in the last 14 months
00:09:08both
00:09:08dated to weeks reagan had been listed on preston's expedition minused as a junior research 84 000 for
00:09:13what equipment line item a piece of sonar gear that was never delivered she's 26 she's 26 on paper
00:09:20her undergrad was an internship at a foundation in connecticut whose director sat on three of
00:09:27preston's grant review panels she wasn't his accident she was his hire
00:09:32she was his hire
00:09:36how long have you known
00:09:39since the second wire cleared
00:09:42four months
00:09:46i was building i needed the chain to be unbreakable
00:09:50if you'd come to me sooner i'd have moved sooner
00:09:56i didn't know to come to you
00:09:59i know
00:09:59a nurse pushed open the door look at my face looked at the tray of documents looked at damon and
00:10:03quietly
00:10:03backed out damon picked up a fresh sheet from the bottom of the stack he turned it so i could
00:10:07see it
00:10:07was a screen grab of a private social media account locked one of two followers the vestring handle of a
00:10:11core count the hand was not mine the post was dated two years before reagan had supposedly emailed
00:10:16preston out of the blue
00:10:17the pin post was a photograph of preston and crassum true seat or hand invencible
00:10:20the wound throbbed once i let it
00:10:23damien
00:10:26she's been with him for
00:10:27at minimum three years
00:10:32three years
00:10:33three years was an entire fellowship cycle
00:10:36three years was a lab move
00:10:37three years was every conference where preston had told me he was too overwhelmed to bring me
00:10:41as a guest
00:10:42three years was the time during which i had been planning a wedding in my head while writing
00:10:46his grants in my hand
00:10:47i picked the photograph back up
00:10:49the hand on preston's cheek had a small mark at the wrist
00:10:52the same shape as a beauty mark reagan had
00:10:55very pale almost invisible against her skin
00:10:58i had once told her that mark was lovely
00:11:00she had told me she hated it
00:11:06how long until the audit drops
00:11:14riley pope has already been brought in for questioning by the u.s attorney's office
00:11:17preston
00:11:18he'll be charged tuesday federal jurisdiction
00:11:20the beacon falls under interstate field safety regulations
00:11:23reagan reagan is more delicate
00:11:25the wires are evidence of fraud the relationship is evidence of motive
00:11:28the recording is evidence of intent
00:11:29but she'll lawyer up fast i expect her to flip on preston by the end of next week
00:11:33and the academic side marsh's ethics committee convenes wednesday at his university
00:11:37we are providing the audit the recording and the wires
00:11:40outcome is predictable he'll be stripped of his appointment
00:11:42his doctoral supervision rights his five most recent publications
00:11:45and the federal grant he was about to sign
00:11:49reeves
00:11:49damie did not blink
00:11:51reeves has known about the embezzlement for at least two years
00:11:54i closed my eyes
00:11:55he nominated you for the independent fellowship in part to diffuse internal
00:11:58questions about who your name kept appearing on the foundation paperwork
00:12:01and never on the bylines
00:12:03that's why he called me
00:12:04that's why
00:12:05a door opened i opened my eyes
00:12:06my father was standing in the doorway
00:12:08eyes red
00:12:09coats till on the wrinkles on his face deeper than i remembered
00:12:12you
00:12:12damien stood up
00:12:13he stopped two feet from damien and put both hands on damien's
00:12:16he did not look at me as he passed
00:12:17thank you
00:12:17my father had not cried in front of me since my mother's funeral
00:12:21he did not cry now
00:12:22exactly
00:12:23but he sat on the edge of my bed and held my left hand the one with
00:12:25damien's signet still on the forefinger and he did not let go for a long time
00:12:30don't talk
00:12:30he held my hand
00:12:31i have to
00:12:32sloan don't talk
00:12:33he looked at the signet
00:12:34he looked at damien standing very still by the window
00:12:37how long
00:12:3920 years sir
00:12:41i know that i mean the ring
00:12:44five days
00:12:45dad nodded once
00:12:47slow
00:12:53the pierce's boy
00:12:54the one who used to follow sloan around the orchard at thanksgiving and pretend he didn't care if she shared
00:13:00her dessert
00:13:02yes sir
00:13:03dad almost smiled
00:13:05i told your father at the time
00:13:07i told him what sir
00:13:08that you were going to be the kind of man who ran out of things to fear by the age
00:13:12of 30
00:13:17he didn't believe me
00:13:19he was wrong
00:13:22sweetheart
00:13:26the foundation is mine again
00:13:28as of this morning
00:13:30the board approved a clean break from the marsh laboratory and all of his ongoing projects
00:13:37the audit will be public when it drops your name will be cleared as of friday morning
00:13:42the donor wall in cambridge will be re-engraved with your sole credit on the whitfield climate initiative
00:13:49dad that's that's seven years of your life sloan
00:13:52not a favor
00:13:54he pressed my hand
00:13:55he stood up
00:13:56he kissed my forehead the way he had when i was a child home from school with strep
00:14:04i'm gonna step outside and let you rest i'll be in the hall
00:14:06i'll be in the hall he looked at damien
00:14:08crane
00:14:09sir
00:14:11when she's better
00:14:13we talk
00:14:15yes sir
00:14:18the door closed
00:14:22i looked at damien i had known him for a long time
00:14:27he gave you permission
00:14:28he sat back down on the edge of the bed
00:14:30he didn't have to i never asked him for any
00:14:36but yes he did
00:14:40i'll wait until you're ready
00:14:43for what he almost smiled not quite
00:14:47everything
00:15:00friday morning the audit dropped it hit the internet at 6 a.m eastern a leak coordinated
00:15:05presumably by damien's communications team went to a science investigative reporter at a respected outlet
00:15:11by 8 the headline had been picked up by every major u s paper by 10 the hashtag was trending
00:15:16garcia walked into my room with a tablet and a tray of fresh squeezed orange juice
00:15:20216 articles since six she tapped the screen
00:15:26glaciotology star falls in whitefield foundation fraud probe inside the regular cover-up
00:15:31i scrolled
00:15:32i scrolled photographs of preston
00:15:33photographs of the rangel camp
00:15:35a still from the radio archive showing the time stamp on preston's order to disable my beacon
00:15:40a photograph of the equipment crate i had spent the night inside with claw marks down the side
00:15:45taken taken by a federal investigator the morning after my evacuation the comments were brutal
00:15:50if this is what academic excellence looks like this man let his girlfriend bleed in the snow for a grand
00:15:56the deputy who turned off her beacon should be in handcuffs by lunch
00:15:59i scrolled until i found reagan she had preempted the audit
00:16:04sloane whitfield could have died cry harder
00:16:09i closed the tablet how is preston taking it he has not been seen leaving his apartment
00:16:13the university has placed him on administrative leave pending wednesday's hearing riley pope has been
00:16:18charged he pleaded out 18 months federal with cooperation reagan snow's lawyer issued a statement
00:16:23at 7 a.m claiming she will fully co-op
00:16:25reeves dr reeves announced his retirement at 6 30 effective immediately the university accepted within the hour
00:16:31i exhaled the wound did not mind anymore
00:16:35in a meeting he'll be back at noon he left this for you
00:16:38she slid a small white card onto the tray i picked it up
00:16:41by saturday i was sitting upright in a chair by the window
00:16:44by sunday i was walking the corridor twice a day with a nurse at my elbow
00:16:48by monday they had moved me out of the icu and into a regular suite on the 14th floor
00:16:53where the view stretched all the way down across the east river the flowers had started arriving
00:16:58friday afternoon and had not stopped the first arrangement was from my graduate school cohort
00:17:02the second from the foundation board the third and this one had made me sit up from the chair of
00:17:06the national science foundation who had written a personal note saying he had been appalled
00:17:10and that i should consider when i was well enough picking up the principal investigator role on the
00:17:15project that had been preston's the fourth came with no card you're upright
00:17:20i'm upright how does it feel like i have a hole in my chest but a much smaller one than
00:17:26yesterday
00:17:27he almost smiled from you
00:17:33narcissus from the lake house
00:17:38damien he met my eyes how long
00:17:44the flower since you were 12 not the flower he sat on the edge of the bed i sat with
00:17:51that
00:17:51sloan 20 years i was 29 20 years that meant when i had cried to him about my freshman year
00:17:57boyfriend at 16 he had already known that meant every time over the long stretch of years he had
00:18:01appeared at the edge of my life with the precise timing of a person who was paying very close attention
00:18:05without ever announcing himself i looked at the signet on my left hand
00:18:11damien
00:18:16why didn't you ever say
00:18:18damien took a long time to answer the light from the window had begun to thin
00:18:22the kind of new york winter dusk that turns everything blue
00:18:25when you were 12 you were 12 there was nothing to say
00:18:29when you were 16 you were dating that boy you were happy there was nothing to say
00:18:34when you were 19 you came home from college and told me you'd met a graduate student named
00:18:38preston marsh you want to know what i thought of him
00:18:44i told you he was fine you told me he was fine he wasn't fine i knew he wasn't fine
00:18:53but you wanted permission you were not asking me what i thought of him
00:18:58you were asking me to bless what you had already decided
00:19:02you blessed it anyway i blessed it anyway why he looked down at his hands
00:19:08because if i'd said no you have done it anyway and i would have lost you for the next decade
00:19:12instead of being able to sit across a holiday table from you twice a year
00:19:16i made a calculation the calculation was wrong he looked up i would have made a different one
00:19:24if i had known known what that he would put a hole in your chest the room held the sentence
00:19:31i
00:19:31felt the wound stir it did not hurt the same way anymore it hurt differently like something was being
00:19:36said through it and not done to it it wasn't his hole it was an ice shard it was his
00:19:41hole he left you
00:19:42with it he turned off your beacon he drove away he did not soften the statement the shape of the
00:19:48wound
00:19:48is ice full and you crossed the country the cause of the wound is preston marsh i would have crossed
00:19:53any
00:19:54country damien he did not look away
00:20:04i'm not gonna forgive him i know i'm not gonna take him back i know
00:20:11i am however going to need a minute
00:20:19i've spent a lifetime waiting for you sloan
00:20:25take all the time you need he stood he bent forward his lips brushed my forehead light the way an
00:20:30older
00:20:30brother might the way a person who had been disciplined about a feeling for a very long time
00:20:34might when the door was finally cracked open i have a meeting at seven i'll be back at nine damien
00:20:42don't be late he almost smiled he left the narcissist on the windowsill held their pale yellow
00:20:48in the blue light tuesday afternoon preston was arraigned i did not watch the live stream
00:20:54garcia told me about it after the fact sitting in the chair by my bed with her tablet face down
00:20:59on her
00:20:59knee she summarized in her efficient neutral voice the same voice she used to read me the morning's
00:21:04flower deliveries preston had been processed through the federal courthouse in lower manhattan
00:21:09the charges were read loud federal embezzlement and wire fraud knowingly dissaying a fellow team
00:21:15members emergency equipment in a hazardous environment and falsification of federal grant documentation
00:21:31his bail had been set at one million dollars his attorney had argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:37the prosecution had pointed to the whitfield foundation audit and to a passport that on inspection
00:21:43he was not a visa for a country with no extradition treaty his bail was set at one million dollars
00:21:49his attorney argued he was not a flight risk the prosecution pointed to the audit and to a passport
00:21:55with a visa for a country with no extradition treaty bail remained at one million dollars his passport
00:22:01was revoked how did he look smaller smaller at faculty fundraisers he carried himself like a man waiting
00:22:10to be the smartest in any room today he carried himself like a man waiting to be told what to
00:22:15do
00:22:15she set the tablet on the bedside table mr crane wants me to tell you wednesday's ethics committee
00:22:20hearing has been moved to 10 am the university requested that you attend by video link you may
00:22:25decline i'll attend mr crane suspected you would
00:22:32she rose is there anything else miss whitfield one thing reagan she has not been arraigned the u.s
00:22:41attorney's office is finalizing terms she will testify against preston and dr reeves she will not be
00:22:46testifying against you she will likely receive limited immunity on the fraud charges a deferred
00:22:51prosecution agreement community service and a permanent bar from federally funded research
00:22:56she still has her social media she still has her social media the court cannot regulate that
00:23:01that's fine let her have it mr crane will be displeased mr crane will live garcia paused
00:23:09halfway to the door garcia tilted her head a fraction she almost laughed she left i lay
00:23:15back against the pillows and watched the narcissist tilt slowly toward the late afternoon sun wednesday
00:23:19morning 10 a m garcia rolled in a portable monitor on a tray and angled it toward the bed the
00:23:24ethics committee
00:23:25at preston's university convened on screen seven chairs around a heavy wood table in a paneled room
00:23:30i had been inside once during my own thesis defense when reeves had introduced me as one of his students
00:23:35reeves was not at the table today he had retired friday morning the chair of the committee a tall
00:23:40woman in her 60s whose hair was twisted into a low knot opened the proceedings mr marsh do you have
00:23:47anything to say before we begin preston rose from his seat at the foot of the table he had aged
00:23:51a decade
00:23:51in five days the polished hair was unkempt the pressed shirt was open at the collar without a time
00:23:57i do his voice was flatter than i had ever heard it whatever the committee decides i accept
00:24:04i acknowledge the irregularities in the funding records of the regling expedition
00:24:09i acknowledge the irregularities in the authorship history of the manuscripts under review
00:24:15on the day of the avalanche i did not handle the evacuation of my team as i should have the
00:24:20chair did
00:24:21not soften i accept the consequences of those choices the committee has reviewed the audit the
00:24:26field radio archive the wire records and the personal contribution log of sloan whitstein
00:24:32the committee has also reviewed the statement obtained this morning under cooperation agreement from
00:24:37riley pope do you acknowledge that you transmitted a radio instruction to disable sloan whitfile's emergency
00:24:47locator here the room is very still i do at the time you transmitted that instruction were you aware
00:24:59that sloan whitston was injured and at the edge of the camp perimeter
00:25:06i do mr marsh the committee finds the following you have engaged in academic misconduct of the most
00:25:17serious kind your conduct on the day of the avalanche endangered the life of a fellow expedition
00:25:24member the body of work submitted under your sole authorship for the past four years
00:25:29contains substantial material taken from the unpublished work of sloan whitnick without consent or
00:25:35attribution the committee recommends that your tenure be revoked your doctoral supervision rights be
00:25:44terminated and the five most recent publications under your name be retracted you'd be permanently
00:25:48barred from holding any federally funded academic appointment the regular climate proxies grant
00:25:53should be revoked and the funds returned do you wish to respond
00:25:58preston was silent for a long time no then he sat back down
00:26:07the chair rose the committee rose with her this hearing is adjourned the screen went black
00:26:17i sat for a moment in the dim hospital room garcia rolled the monitor away
00:26:38he came on thursday not by appointment there's a man at security in the lobby asking to see you
00:26:43he's saying he said his name was preston marsh i had told garcia he said he doesn't expect you to
00:26:49say yes
00:26:51let him up that i would receive him i had thought about it carefully i had thought about it the
00:26:55way
00:26:56damien thought about a chain of evidence not for spite not for forgiveness but to close the circuit i
00:27:00had spent seven years inside that circuit i needed to walk out under my own power damien was in a
00:27:06meeting
00:27:06on the other side of town i had not told him i had agreed to this i had not told
00:27:10him i had not agreed
00:27:11to this either the door opened preston stood in the doorway he did not come in he looked exactly as
00:27:16he had on
00:27:16the video feed except smaller somehow in person the way garcia had said the charcoal suit replaced
00:27:21by jeans and a sweater that did not fit him quite right the glass is askew
00:27:34sloan get up i won't i'm not asking he stayed where he was i came to apologize
00:27:43he breathed in once at once i owe you an apology i cannot make in two pages i wrote it
00:27:51badly
00:27:53every grant every piece of equipment every late night
00:27:59i knew i always knew i told myself a story about it that let me sleep and the night of
00:28:06the avalanche
00:28:08i told riley to turn off the beacon
00:28:12i told myself the whitfields would send a plane i told myself you would always have a way out
00:28:21that's what i told myself so leaving you in the snow had no consequence
00:28:33that's what i told myself that's what i told myself the room held it i let it hold
00:28:49preston he looked up get off the floor
00:28:55i won't you will because this is my room in my hospital in my city and i'm telling you to
00:29:03he got
00:29:03off the floor he stood near the foot of my bed three things hands at his sides head still bowed
00:29:08one
00:29:09i am not retracting any of the charges the federal case will proceed your career will not survive it
00:29:16that is not negotiable i haven't two i will not be writing a victim impact statement that asks the
00:29:25court for leniency i will be writing one that asks the court to apply the full weight of the statute
00:29:32you are free to write your own you are free to ask dr revils to write his own understood
00:29:39three
00:29:41i looked at him for a long time he had once been a man i would have crossed any distance
00:29:46to please
00:29:47there had been a year possibly two when i had organized my entire life around the question of
00:29:52what preston would think i looked at him now and i felt nothing not contempt not pity not love not
00:29:58even
00:29:59anger a clean nothing the way you might look at a coat you wore through college hanging in the back
00:30:03of a closet and feel surprised that you had ever fit into it
00:30:11i do not accept it
00:30:17not because it isn't sincere today it might be i think it might be what i have learned in seven
00:30:25years
00:30:25of you is that your sincerity is a renewable resource it comes back every time the consequences arrive
00:30:33it always sound the same it always asks the same thing which is for me to absorb the cost i'm
00:30:41done
00:30:41absorbing the cost
00:30:45you will live with what you did i will not be helping you live with it for a moment i
00:30:52thought he
00:30:52might say something more some version of the speech refined now to its purest form that he had been
00:30:57delivering to me in fragments for seven years he didn't he closed his eyes once he opened them
00:31:02i understand he walked to the door in the doorway he paused he did not look back sloan yes be
00:31:11happy
00:31:14the door closed behind him i sat alone in the hospital suite with the late afternoon light moving
00:31:18slowly across the floor i waited to feel something after a long time i noticed what i felt was the
00:31:23absence of something a weight i had been carrying since the year i was 22. for seven years i carried
00:31:30that weight i turned my life into a project just to be seen i piled up my efforts as evidence
00:31:36but i
00:31:38don't need to be seen by him anymore
00:31:42when i had decided that the rest of my life was going to be a project of making one specific
00:31:47man see me
00:31:48it was no longer there i picked up my phone i texted damien come back when you can he answered
00:31:55within 10 seconds on my way damien did not knock the door to my hospital suite opened 12 minutes
00:32:01after preston walked out of it and damien stood in the doorway with snow still melting on his shoulders
00:32:06he did not look at me first he looked at the chair where preston had been kneeling he looked at
00:32:11the
00:32:11spot on the carpet where preston's knees had pressed two indentations he looked at the trace of cologne
00:32:16preston's faint civilians still hanging in the air he crossed the room in five strides
00:32:22did he touch you damien sloan did he touch you no
00:32:37his thumbs moved across my cheekbones my temples the line of my jaw checking the way a person checks
00:32:43a child after they have fallen
00:32:49i should not have left this morning i asked garcia to let him up
00:32:56i know she called me on the drive back i broke three traffic laws damien i would have broken 30
00:33:10look at me
00:33:19i had not in all the time i had known him
00:33:22seen damien crane afraid of anything not his father not his mother not a boardroom not a press conference
00:33:30not the leverage held over him by half of manhattan he was afraid now he was afraid that i had
00:33:37spent 12
00:33:37minutes in a room with the man i had loved for seven years and that 12 minutes was all it
00:33:42took for me to forgive him
00:33:45i told him no i know i told him to leave
00:33:53i know i am not going back to him he closed his eyes he pressed his forehead to mine he
00:34:01stayed there
00:34:01breathing for a long time
00:34:10sloan i am about to be very selfish
00:34:14be selfish
00:34:17i do not want to leave this room again
00:34:20then don't
00:34:23he did not
00:34:34he did not sleep that night the chair he pulled up to my bed was leather and too small
00:34:40he folded himself into it anyway he held my left hand inside both of his
00:34:44and watched the heart monitor as if it might lie if he looked away
00:34:47sometime around 3 a.m i pretended to be asleep just to see what he would do
00:34:53he stood up he walked to the window he looked out at the east river for 10 minutes
00:34:58he turned back he stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise and fall
00:35:03counting with the precision of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac
00:35:07then he came back to the chair he leaned in he pressed his lips very lightly
00:35:12to the inside of my wrist where the ivy line went in he whispered into my skin
00:35:31i am sorry i did not come sooner
00:35:36when
00:35:40you were awake
00:35:41sooner when damien
00:35:49eight years ago
00:35:50when
00:35:52the night you came home from grad school for the holiday
00:35:55you laughed at something preston said about a sample i had never heard of
00:35:59i went home and painted 700 nassaville on a wall
00:36:03and decided i would wait
00:36:06i should have come for you that night
00:36:09damien
00:36:11i would have if i had known how it would end
00:36:15he looked at the signet on my fourth finger
00:36:18i bought this a long time ago
00:36:21this ring
00:36:23this ring
00:36:25for me
00:36:26for the day i stopped waiting
00:36:30i waited far longer than i should have
00:36:32i am not waiting an hour longer than i have to
00:36:36damien
00:36:37hmm
00:36:39what are you telling me
00:36:41he met my eyes
00:36:47i am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise
00:36:50when you walk out of this hospital you walk into my house
00:36:59and you do not walk out of it again unless i am holding the door
00:37:06the next person who tries to take you from me will spend the rest of his life regretting it
00:37:26faster
00:37:27good
00:37:36discharge day
00:37:36damien did not let a nurse touch me
00:37:39he sent the wheelchair away
00:37:40he sent the orderly away
00:37:42he scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees and one behind my shoulders and carried
00:37:47me
00:37:47slowly the length of the corridor to the elevator
00:37:50i had walked
00:37:51by then
00:37:52the length of that corridor on my own three times
00:37:55i did not need to be carried
00:37:57i did not object
00:37:59the elevator opened in the underground garage
00:38:01a black idled
00:38:02he set me down only long enough to open the door
00:38:05and then he lifted me again into the back seat as if the act of placing me there himself was
00:38:09something he could not delegate
00:38:10garcia
00:38:11in the front passenger seat
00:38:13did not turn around
00:38:14the pulled out
00:38:15damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown
00:38:28i bought the building
00:38:31i bought the building
00:38:32which building
00:38:33my building
00:38:33i own the penthouse i bought the rest of it last month
00:38:36all of it
00:38:37all of it
00:38:38all of it
00:38:39why
00:38:41i did not want strangers across a wall from you
00:38:46damien
00:38:51the other residents have been compensated above market
00:38:53they had 90 days to relocate
00:38:55the last unit cleared on friday
00:38:57the building is empty except for the staff i vetted
00:39:01and the floor i am going to put your father on if he wants it
00:39:04my father has a house
00:39:06he has a house
00:39:07you may also have the eighth floor
00:39:10damien
00:39:11you are being excessive
00:39:14i am told i am being excessive
00:39:18he brought my hand to his mouth
00:39:20tell me to stop
00:39:21i am not telling you to stop
00:39:24i can't bear to
00:39:27the pulled into the garage
00:39:31he carried me into the elevator
00:39:34the doors opened directly into his foyer
00:39:36into the wall of painted narcissus
00:39:38and he set me down in front of it
00:39:46look look
00:39:47i looked
00:39:49a second wall
00:39:50opposite the first
00:39:51had been painted in my absence
00:39:53cause
00:39:54the shapes of ice cores
00:39:5637 of them
00:39:57one for every site
00:39:58i had drilled in seven years
00:40:00labeled in white paint
00:40:01in my own handwriting
00:40:02which had been copied
00:40:03line for line
00:40:04from photographs
00:40:05of the field journal
00:40:06reagan had stolen
00:40:08i could not speak
00:40:16i commissioned it in march
00:40:18the artist worked from your notebooks
00:40:19i had the originals returned
00:40:21from the federal evidence locker
00:40:22on a temporary basis
00:40:24they are now back in the locker
00:40:26damien
00:40:28the paintings are yours
00:40:30welcome home sloan
00:40:31the first week in his apartment
00:40:32i learned how he had been loving me
00:40:34for a long time
00:40:35i learned it in small pieces
00:40:37the way a person learns the contents
00:40:38of a house they have moved into
00:40:40without a tour
00:40:40a bookshelf in the library held every
00:40:42paper i had ever published
00:40:44even the undergraduate ones
00:40:45even the conference posters bound
00:40:47in matching cloth
00:40:48and arranged in chronological order
00:40:50a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's
00:40:52recipe for soda bread
00:40:53hand copied from her handwriting
00:40:54onto a card he had laminated
00:40:56a folder in his study
00:40:57kept in a drawer he did not lock
00:40:59contained years of photographs of me
00:41:01clipped from family christmas cards
00:41:03and university newsletters
00:41:05and the society pages
00:41:06i found the folder
00:41:07on the sixth day
00:41:08i did not tell him i had found it
00:41:10i sat on the floor of his study
00:41:12and turned through the photographs in order
00:41:14and at the back of the folder
00:41:15i found a single envelope
00:41:16sealed addressed to me in his handwriting
00:41:18and dated a long time ago
00:41:20i almost opened it i did not
00:41:22i left it where it was
00:41:23that night at dinner
00:41:24i asked him
00:41:25the letter in the back of the folder
00:41:27he set his fork down
00:41:28he did not pretend to misunderstand
00:41:30you found it
00:41:32what is it
00:41:34it is what i would have said to you that
00:41:36night if i had come for you instead of
00:41:37painting the wall
00:41:38you kept it
00:41:41i kept everything
00:41:42damien
00:41:43i have kept the napkin you wrote your
00:41:44phone number on when you were 11
00:41:46i have kept the wrapper of the chocolate
00:41:48you split with me at your sister's christensen
00:41:49i have kept the program of every recital
00:41:51your mother dragged us to
00:41:52i have kept the cockscrew you used to
00:41:54open the wine at your graduation dinner
00:41:55i have kept the boarding pass you gave me
00:41:58when you came back from iceland the year
00:41:59you turned 23
00:42:00and asked if i would pick you up from jf
00:42:02because your boyfriend had forgotten
00:42:05he met my eyes
00:42:06i have kept all of it because i had to keep something
00:42:08i set my fork down too
00:42:10how many marriages did your mother arrange for you
00:42:13three
00:42:15you refused all three
00:42:16i refused all three
00:42:19for me
00:42:20sloan
00:42:22everything i have ever refused i refused for you
00:42:25his mother came on tuesday she had not
00:42:27in the seven years i dated preston sent me so much as a holiday card
00:42:31she came now with a bouquet of pale pink peonies
00:42:34and a smile that did not reach her eyes
00:42:36and she sat across from me in damien's living room
00:42:39with the careful posture of a woman conducting a negotiation
00:42:42she expected to win damien stood by the window
00:42:44he did not sit he did not greet his mother
00:42:48sloan and dear i came to welcome you
00:42:49mrs crane i imagine all of this has been very overwhelming
00:42:52the hospital the press my son's enthusiasm
00:42:55his enthusiasm
00:42:56he has always been intense
00:42:58particularly about the things he has wanted for a long time
00:43:01i wonder if you have considered my dear whether intensity about this stage in
00:43:05your recovery is perhaps what you need
00:43:06by the window damien turned he did not raise his voice
00:43:09mother damien you have ten seconds to walk out of this apartment
00:43:16damien i am only eight seconds you will not speak to me six seconds the
00:43:24peonies untouched on the coffee table trembled with the vibration of the
00:43:27elevator returning to the foyer she rose she gathered her coat she looked at me
00:43:32with the same smile pulled tight across her face my dear when this novelty passes
00:43:36two seconds she left the elevator doors closed damien did not move for a long moment
00:43:41then he crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair where i was sitting
00:43:45he took both my hands sloan
00:43:49damien my mother will not be in this apartment again
00:43:51damien she's your mother my mother spent a long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard
00:43:55enough she introduced me to 14 women whose family is my last name she told my father at one
00:44:00point that i was an embarrassment to the family for refusing to marry she does not get to walk in
00:44:03here now and call you a novelty there is no version of this where you are second to anyone sloan
00:44:07not my mother not the company not the past he pressed my knuckles to his mouth
00:44:15not for the rest of my life he visited preston in prison on a wednesday i did not know he
00:44:21had gone
00:44:21until he came home and sat across from me at the kitchen island and poured himself a glass of whiskey
00:44:26and told me i went to see marsh today damien i had to why i wanted him to see my
00:44:35face he turned the
00:44:36glass in his fingers he has been telling himself since the hearing that what happened to him was the
00:44:41system that the audit broke him that the federal prosecutor broke him that the press broke him
00:44:47i wanted him to know it was a man what did you say to him
00:44:52i sat across a steel table from her 14 minutes i didn't speak for the first 10 he waited he
00:44:57was
00:44:57the one who broke he asked me what i wanted i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what
00:45:01he had
00:45:02done that he had touched a woman i had loved for a long time that he had taken seven years
00:45:06of her
00:45:06life and gambled them on a press release that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her
00:45:11family would clean it up i told him that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to
00:45:15understand was that there had never been a moment in all the time he had known her when she was
00:45:18unprotected i told him that he was alive only because you had asked me not to make a different
00:45:22decision he drank he cried damien i did not enjoy it did you not he set down the glass i
00:45:33enjoyed every
00:45:33second of it i'm not going to pretend otherwise i sat across from a man who had hurt you and
00:45:37i watched
00:45:37him understand for the first time that he had been a small animal stepping on the tail of a much
00:45:42larger
00:45:42one he came around the island he stopped in front of me he cupped the back of my neck the
00:45:47way he
00:45:47had cupped my skull in the tent that is what i am sloan with respect to you i am the
00:45:54much larger
00:45:54animal i will be that animal for the rest of your life for any person who looks at you sideways
00:45:58i am
00:45:59not going to pretend to be a different one tell me you understand i understand he pressed his forehead
00:46:06to mine good reagan called the apartment on a thursday she had been told by every lawyer involved
00:46:13not to the no contact clause was in effect she called anyway through the main line of crane industries
00:46:19asking to be put through to me by name the receptionist forwarded the call to garcia
00:46:24garcia forwarded it to damien damien answered on speaker in front of me at the kitchen island
00:46:30miss snow master crane i am calling because you are calling because your book deal collapsed your father's
00:46:39foundation has been quietly delisted from three donor circles in the last six weeks your fiance's
00:46:43family has rescinded the engagement your apartment lease is not being renewed and you have correctly
00:46:49disduced that all of this is connected silence it is connected mr crane i would like you to listen to
00:46:56me very carefully miss snow the reason your life is currently coming apart is not because i am vindictive
00:47:01i am perfectly capable of vindictiveness i have not yet been vindictive with you the reason your life is
00:47:07coming apart is because the woman whose career you tried to take whose data you stole and whose
00:47:12recording i played in front of you in a tent at minus 31 asked me three months ago to leave
00:47:16you
00:47:16alone i have honored that request i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to
00:47:25honor it it turns out there are a great number of those people they are removing you on their own
00:47:31from the rooms they control the book editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloane's
00:47:35the donor coordinator at your father's foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago your
00:47:39fiance's mother has been on the board of the whitfield climate initiative since 2011. they are not
00:47:44retaliating miss snow they are simply choosing mr crane please i am not the one you should be asking
00:47:50miss snow he ended the call he set down the phone he looked at me she will call again she
00:47:57will
00:47:57eventually call you she might i would like permission when she does to make a small adjustment to her
00:48:03circumstances what adjustment a federal investigation currently dormant into the source of the wire that
00:48:08funded her original internship damien i will only act if you tell me to i looked at him for a
00:48:14long
00:48:14moment i did not tell him to i also did not tell him not to he read my face he
00:48:19nodded once he poured
00:48:20me a cup of tea the nights were the hardest i had not in seven years with preston slept poorly
00:48:27i had slept
00:48:28on his couches and in his tents and across his shoulders on long flights and i had slept the way
00:48:33a person who believed in the structure of her life slept the structure was gone now the nights showed
00:48:38it i did not tell damien he noticed anyway he noticed on the fourth night when he came up to
00:48:43bring me a
00:48:44book i had asked for and found me sitting on the couch by the south windows with the lights off
00:48:49he set
00:48:49the book down he sat next to me he did not ask he simply pulled me carefully against his shoulder
00:48:56and
00:48:57we sat that way until the city lights began to thin toward dawn on the fifth night he came up
00:49:02at ten on
00:49:02the sixth night he came up at nine on the seventh night he stayed he did not ask permission he
00:49:08came
00:49:09up with a small leather bag and a book and the smallest most contained smile i had ever seen on
00:49:13his face and he said sloan i am gonna sleep in the second bedroom the door will be open if
00:49:20you need me
00:49:20you say my name you do not have to get up you do not have to ring a bell you
00:49:24say my name and i will be in
00:49:25the room in under three seconds damien i am not asking for anything
00:49:33i know i am telling you that for the rest of your life if you say my name in the
00:49:37dark
00:49:38i will be there in under three seconds he kissed my forehead he went into the second bedroom he left
00:49:44the door open i lay in my own bed for the first hour i listened to the sounds of him
00:49:49in the next room
00:49:49the small zipper of the leather bag the click of a lamp the soft rustle of a turn page at
00:49:5411 30 the
00:49:56page turning stopped he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest i got up i crossed the hallway
00:50:01i
00:50:02stood in the doorway of the second bedroom and watched him sleep a man in a charcoal pullover and
00:50:06reading glasses in a guest bed in his own house lit by a single lamp he had been waiting a
00:50:12long time to
00:50:12sleep in the same hallway as me i went back to my room i left both doors open i slept
00:50:17the whole night
00:50:18through he gave me the cranes on a sunday i had told him two weeks earlier in the way a
00:50:23person tells
00:50:24a story that no longer matters that as a child i had folded a wish into a paper crane and
00:50:29put it in
00:50:29a jar on my bedroom windowsill the wish had been for my mother to get well my mother had not
00:50:33gotten
00:50:34well i had stopped folding cranes he had said nothing at the time he had simply nodded he led me
00:50:40to the
00:50:40library that sunday morning he opened the double doors the room three stories of bookshelves a
00:50:45leather sofa his piano against the back wall had been filled since i had last been in it the day
00:50:50before with paper cranes there were thousands of them they hung from the ceiling on threads of
00:50:55clear nylon in soft drifts at different heights in the pale yellow of winter narcissus i stopped in
00:51:01the doorway one thousand damien one for every wish i have made for you since we were children
00:51:07i kept count he stepped into the room he turned one of the cranes gently on its thread i started
00:51:14after the year your mother died i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for you
00:51:17i
00:51:17started folding i folded one a week for the first year two a week for the next sometime around my
00:51:21underground years i lost track i counted them last month there were 947 i folded the last 53 in the
00:51:28apartment downstairs while you were upstairs sleeping i crossed the room i touched one of the cranes
00:51:33the paper was thin and cool the crease was perfect i knew the fold it was the same fold i
00:51:39had used at
00:51:40nine he had been folding cranes for me alone in his apartment for a long time damien what were the
00:51:48wishes he looked at me that you would grow up happy that you would grow up loved that you would
00:51:52grow up
00:51:53to do the work you wanted that you would eventually be able to come home and rest that you would
00:51:59eventually
00:51:59see me that is the only wish i never finished folding he reached up and unhooked a single crane
00:52:06from a thread above his head he held it out to me i would like you to fold the last
00:52:10one i took the crane
00:52:11it was a half fold the paper waiting the crease set damien when you are ready i am ready i
00:52:19folded the
00:52:20last crane the wish i folded inside it was that i had not taken so long to see him i
00:52:25hung it on the empty
00:52:26thread he held me in the doorway of the library for a long time
00:52:32i kissed him that night not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago not a
00:52:37kiss i
00:52:38was allowing him to give me a kiss i gave him i crossed the library after dinner he was at
00:52:43the
00:52:43piano playing the eight notes my mother used to hum he did not see me coming i sat down next
00:52:48to him on
00:52:48the bench i waited for him to finish the phrase i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under
00:52:54his chin i kissed him he went very still for a heartbeat he did not respond then he made a
00:53:00small
00:53:00sound not a word something quieter a sound i had never heard him make in all the time i had
00:53:05known
00:53:05him and his hand came up to cut the back of my neck and the bench creaked because he had
00:53:09moved without
00:53:09thinking he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person he has been kissing in his head every
00:53:14night
00:53:14for a long time when he pulled back both his hands were on my face his breath was not steady
00:53:20his eyes
00:53:20had gone very dark sloan damien i would like to say something say it i have loved you for a
00:53:30very long
00:53:30time i have loved you across continents and three engagements i refused and seven years of a man who
00:53:35was not me i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat i have loved
00:53:39you while
00:53:39you wrote thank you notes addressed to him on stationery i paid for i have loved you while you
00:53:43called me at midnight to ask which dress you should wear to his department dinner i have loved you in
00:53:47every shape a man can love a woman and still hide it i am not going to hide any of
00:53:52it from this minute
00:53:53forward damien i love you his hands tightened on my face say it again i love you again i love
00:54:07you
00:54:07damien he pressed his forehead to mine for a long moment he did not move he simply breathed
00:54:12then he picked me up off the bench carefully with respect to the wound and walked me out of the
00:54:17library
00:54:17past the wall of narcissus into the foyer he did not put me down at the elevator he carried me
00:54:23into
00:54:23the bedroom he set me slowly on the edge of the bed he knelt on the floor in front of
00:54:28me he took both
00:54:29my hands i am not going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night i
00:54:33die
00:54:33he looked up at me but i would like tonight to ask you one thing marry me the cranes in
00:54:39the library
00:54:40down the hall turned slowly on their threads in the draft from the open window yes
00:54:48damien yes he did not let me go to alaska alone we had agreed weeks earlier that he would not
00:54:54come
00:54:54he had said it himself in the kitchen that the right answer for my career was yes and the right
00:54:59answer for
00:54:59his heart was no and that he would not be the one who decided which side of the snow line
00:55:04i slept on
00:55:04he had meant it he had also the same night he meant it started building a contingency i found out
00:55:10about
00:55:11the contingency on the morning of april second he came into the breakfast room with a folder under his
00:55:15arm and set it down next to my coffee sloney crane industries has launched a polar research division
00:55:27when last week damien the division is headquarters out of anchorage it is funding three independent
00:55:35scientific teams across the rongel and saint alia ranges the director of the division is a 58 year
00:55:40old former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally approved at 3 a.m on a sunday the director reports
00:55:46to a vice president of strategic operations damien the vice president of strategic operations will be
00:55:51working out of a forward base camp in the ringlish range from april 15th through the close of the
00:55:55field season damien the vice president of strategic operations me i close the folder you are not coming
00:56:01with me to the field as my boyfriend i am not coming with you to the field as your boyfriend
00:56:05you are
00:56:05coming with me to the field as the vice president of a polar research resension you invented in the last
00:56:10three weeks with cover that will hold up to any audit damien i will sleep in a separate module i
00:56:18will not
00:56:18interfere with your team i will not be on your your radio frequency i will however be 300 yards away
00:56:23every night you are in the field you did not have to do this i had to do this why
00:56:29he sat down across
00:56:31from me he took my left hand he looked at the signet ring he had slid onto it the night
00:56:35of the surgery and
00:56:36never asked back because the last time you went to that mountain without me you came home with a hole
00:56:41in
00:56:41your chest i am not living through that twice i can take care of myself i know you can i
00:56:48am asking
00:56:49please for the rest of my life to never have to find out again i looked at him for a
00:56:53long moment i
00:56:54had spent seven years asking a man to follow me to airports i now had a man who would follow
00:56:58me to ice
00:56:59all right he brought my hand to his mouth thank you we landed in anchorage on april 15th he had
00:57:07flown
00:57:08commercial three days ahead of me to maintain the cover he met me at the airport in a crane industries
00:57:13parka with a name tag that said d crane vp strategic ops and the face so neutral that even i
00:57:19almost
00:57:19believed it he shook my hand at the gate he did not kiss me he carried my carry on to
00:57:24the suv in the
00:57:25suv with the doors closed and the windows tinted he took my face in both hands and kissed me as
00:57:30if he
00:57:31had not seen me in a year three days was too long damien i am revising the cover i will
00:57:38be sleeping in
00:57:39your module that defeats the cover i do not care damien three days sloan he kissed me again the cover
00:57:48for the record held the cold weather medic worked it out the first night finn worked it out the second
00:57:54briggs who had transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february worked it out before we
00:57:59even landed nobody said anything nobody had to damien did not hide that he watched me work damien
00:58:06did not hide that he ate every meal next to me damien did not hide that when i came back
00:58:10from
00:58:10the day's transects with snow in my hair he met me at the door of the heated module with a
00:58:14towel he had
00:58:14warmed by the stove the team by week two simply absorbed him finn said it best late one night in
00:58:21the
00:58:21operations module after damien had stepped out to take a call sloan i have seen a lot of men love
00:58:28a lot
00:58:28of women i have never seen one love a woman like that like what like you are the only currency
00:58:34he
00:58:34has ever wanted i did not have an answer for that finn went back to his clipboard damien came back
00:58:39in
00:58:39he sat down next to me he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking he glanced
00:58:44at the medical
00:58:45chart on my clipboard frowned slightly at one number on it and said pulse is up i just walked in
00:58:51from the
00:58:51field that is not field walk pulse damien i would like the medic to look at you tonight the medic
00:58:57looked at
00:58:58the pulse was as it turned out fine damien did not apologize for asking in the third week i learned
00:59:05about the foundations i learned about them by accident the way i had learned about the wall of
00:59:09narcissus and the box of cranes and the bound copies of every paper i had ever published he did not
00:59:15volunteer the information i found it by following a thread the thread was a small thank you note from a
00:59:21graduate student in cape town that arrived at base camp by satellite mail the student had received a
00:59:26stipend from the polar atlas foundation to attend a conference where i had given a keynote four years
00:59:31earlier the note was effusive it thanked me for the body of work and the foundation for the stipend
00:59:36i had never heard of the polar atlas foundation i looked it up polar atlas foundation had given
00:59:41approximately eight hundred thousand dollars over the past nine years in small individual stipends to
00:59:46graduate students in glaciology climate science and polar geophysics the recipient list was a precise
00:59:53map of every young researcher whose work had any tangential connection to mine the foundation's board
00:59:58was three people none of them i had heard of i traced the llc behind the foundation through three
01:00:03jurisdictions it was damien's i traced four other foundations through the same pattern northern light
01:00:08trust ice and salt initiative the one thousand nine hundred and sixty two foundation named i realized for
01:00:17the year of the lock at the lake house the whitfield adjacent fellowship together they had quietly dispersed
01:00:22about eleven million dollars to young scientists in fields adjacent to mine i confronted him about
01:00:27it that night in our module he did not deny it damien i funded your students i do not have
01:00:35students
01:00:36you will i funded the field you were going to lead
01:00:45damien he took my hand i have been preparing the ground slum for a long time i built the foundation
01:00:50network the same way i built the apartment in the wall not for you to notice for you to land
01:00:55in when
01:00:56you were ready when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will every promising postdoc in the
01:01:00discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you i did not stack the dare because i did
01:01:04not
01:01:04trust you to win without it i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight for what
01:01:08should
01:01:08have been handed to you seven years ago damien yes there is no part of my life you have not
01:01:14been
01:01:14holding up from underneath there is no part of you sloane i am not willing to hold up from underneath
01:01:19in the fourth week he showed me reagan's file he had not brought it up since we landed he brought
01:01:24it up
01:01:24only because that morning an emergency message had come through the satellite system a tabloid in new
01:01:30york had published a photograph of me being carried by damien off the medevac in february the photograph
01:01:36had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the helipad the caption beneath the photo was
01:01:41a quote attributed anonymously to a close friend of reagan snow suggesting that i had been romantically
01:01:47pursuing damien crane during my seven-year relationship with preston damien read it to me
01:01:51at breakfast he did not raise his voice he set down the satellite tablet he picked up his coffee he
01:01:57took
01:01:57a slow sip sclone damien i am withdrawing my offer to leave her alone damien she violated the no contact
01:02:07clause when she planted the quote that is now her problem not mine the deferred prosecution agreement
01:02:12is forfeit she will be charged with the underlying fraud on monday the federal investigation into her
01:02:17undergraduate funding will be opened on tuesday i would like to do one additional thing he looked at me
01:02:22i would like to release the recording the full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call from the
01:02:27wrangle command tent had been used in the ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full audio
01:02:32had never been made public the two-minute clip the press had covered had only contained the part about
01:02:37the journal the remaining 90 seconds contained the part where she had called me stupid for thinking
01:02:41money could buy a man the part where she had described in detail the strategy of waiting for me to
01:02:47humiliate myself into walking away the part where she had laughed release it he did not blink all of it
01:02:55all of it to the same outlet that ran the tabloid quote to the same outlet he took out his
01:03:00satellite
01:03:01phone he made one call the call lasted four minutes by dinner the recording was up by midnight
01:03:07it had been picked up by every major outlet that had covered the original audit by the next morning
01:03:12the tabloid that had run the quote had retracted it by the end of the week the publishing house
01:03:17that had originally pulled reagan's book deal had publicly announced that it had also voided her
01:03:21advance contract for any future work reagan's snow did not surface in public again damien did not
01:03:26say anything about it he did not have to he had told me weeks ago that there had never been
01:03:32a moment
01:03:32in our entire acquaintance when i was unprotected i was beginning finally to understand exactly what
01:03:38that had meant i drilled whitfield one the same day the recording went live we had not planned the
01:03:43timing the team had simply gotten to the site in the rotation and the weather had cooperated and
01:03:48briggs had said that morning today is your day damien insisted on coming he had not pressed to
01:03:54be on any other field site with me he had stayed within his cover he had let me work without
01:03:58his
01:03:59shadow on my shoulder on the morning of whitfield one he did not ask permission he came he carried the
01:04:05equipment up the ridge himself even though briggs had two team members ready to do it
01:04:09he stood 10 feet away while i drilled he did not speak i drilled i love the call i labeled
01:04:15it i stood
01:04:15up i turned to look at him he was watching me the way he had watched me come off the
01:04:19medevac at
01:04:20teeterboro a year before not breathing not blinking counting with his thumb pressed unconsciously to
01:04:26the inside of his own wrist where he had once pressed it to mine damien i am all right i
01:04:34know
01:04:36this is the spot i know this is where i called you this is where you called me he took
01:04:43a step closer
01:04:44he looked down at the snow he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been he looked
01:04:48at the lee of the outcrop where the walls had moved through then he knelt he did not cry he
01:04:52pressed his
01:04:52palm flat to the snow the way a person might press a palm to a grave he stayed there for
01:04:57a long moment
01:04:57when he stood his glove was wet through he took my hand i would like to ask you something ask
01:05:03i would
01:05:03like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me on the anniversary for the rest
01:05:07of our
01:05:08lives not because it was the worst day because it was the day you called me that is the day
01:05:13i want to
01:05:13keep i closed my hand around his every year every year all right briggs 20 feet away very politely
01:05:21turned his back to give us privacy we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more minutes when we walked
01:05:26back down the ridge damien did not let go of my hand briggs did not say anything about that either
01:05:31we came home on may 28th he had said the night before we landed that he wanted to be the
01:05:37one who
01:05:37drove me back from the airport he had said it the way he said most things now calmly with the
01:05:42assumption that i would not object i did not object he drove me back from teterboro at 6am on a
01:05:48tuesday
01:05:49in late spring the apartment when we walked into the foyer had changed the wall of course the one he
01:05:54had
01:05:54commissioned for me in march was the same the wall of narcissus opposite was the same the piano was the
01:06:00same the library three rooms down was the same the bedroom had changed he had moved his things in
01:06:06his shoes by the door his charcoal pullover folded over the back of the reading chair his book on the
01:06:11bedside table and what had become in the last two months his side sloan damien i am not asking
01:06:18permission i am not asking you to he smiled it was the first full unmanaged smile i had ever seen
01:06:24on
01:06:25his face he set my carry-on down by the door he picked me up i have had a small
01:06:29panic every day
01:06:30for six weeks that you would change your mind on the plane i did not change my mind i know
01:06:35that now
01:06:36damien put me down no i can walk i know he carried me through the foyer past the wall of
01:06:43cause into the
01:06:44bedroom he set me very carefully on the edge of the bed he knelt in front of me he took
01:06:49both my hands
01:06:50he looked up at me for a long moment i would like to ask you the question i told you
01:06:54i was going to
01:06:54ask you in the winter damien it is may i cannot wait until the winter it's may sloan he reached
01:07:02into his pocket he took out a small velvet box he did not place it on the piano this time
01:07:07he opened it
01:07:08inside on a small bed of pale cream silk was a ring it was not the kind of ring i
01:07:14would have expected
01:07:14not from him not from a man who could have walked into any jeweler in manhattan and chosen any stone
01:07:19in the city it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold set into it almost flush was a single
01:07:26pale yellow sapphire the color of winter narcissus i knew the stone i knew the stone because it had
01:07:32been in my mother's locket the locket she had worn the day she died the locket my father had been
01:07:37keeping in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18 years damien i asked your father six
01:07:42months ago
01:07:45damien he gave it to me with both hands damien sloney whitfield damien i will say it twice if i
01:07:53have to say it i have loved you for a very long time i built a life with one room
01:08:01in it the room
01:08:01had no furniture and no light and one chair facing the door i sat in the chair year after year
01:08:06i sat in
01:08:08it through three engagements i refused i sat in it through your seven years with another man i sat in
01:08:13it through the night your mother died and the night you graduated and the night i painted the
01:08:16wall i sat in it on the afternoon you called me from a mountain in alaska i have not been
01:08:22in that
01:08:22room since the day i picked you up off the floor of that tent the room is gone now sloane
01:08:27the whole
01:08:28house is yours marry me i had thought for months that when this moment came i would say something
01:08:35simple i had thought i would say yes i had thought i would say yes because the word was small
01:08:39and
01:08:40complete and did not need any of the surrounding architecture instead i sat on the edge of his bed
01:08:44in his apartment in front of the wall of cause he had commissioned for me holding my mother's
01:08:49yellow sapphire on its brushed gold band and i started to cry i had not cried since the helicopter
01:08:54i cried now he did not move he did not say a word he let me cry after a long
01:09:00time i said it
01:09:03yes he closed his eyes once he opened them say it again yes again yes damien yes he slid the
01:09:14ring onto
01:09:14my fourth finger above the signet he had given me in the hospital the brushed gold was warm the yellow
01:09:20sapphire caught the morning light coming in off the east river he stayed kneeling he pressed his forehead
01:09:25to my knees i bent forward i rested my forehead against the crown of his head we stayed like that
01:09:30in the
01:09:30bedroom in his apartment for a long time after a while he stood up he picked me up off the
01:09:36edge of
01:09:36the bed he did not this time set me down anywhere he carried me to the south windows he stood
01:09:42there
01:09:42holding me looking out at the city mrs crane damien i am rehearsing rehearse it once more mrs crane
01:09:53yes damien he smiled into my hair he did not put me down for the rest of the morning
01:09:59we were married in november he gave me in the months between the kind of wedding that a man who
01:10:04has been
01:10:04planning a wedding in his head for a long time gives a woman who has been allowing herself to
01:10:08imagine one for 10 weeks which is to say a small wedding i had thought he would want a large
01:10:13one
01:10:14he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan he did not he picked the lake house he picked a
01:10:19saturday in late november when the first snow was due he picked the porch he invited my father
01:10:24three of his cousins garcia briggs finn my two graduate cohort co-investigators the cold weather
01:10:31medic the surgeon who had patched my lung and the national science foundation chair that was the
01:10:36entire guest list his mother was not invited she wrote him a letter the week before the wedding
01:10:40he returned it unopened he did not tell me he had returned it garcia mentioned it in passing on the
01:10:46morning of the wedding the way she mentioned most logistical details i asked him about it that afternoon
01:10:51in the bedroom while i was getting dressed he buttoned his cuff he did not look up damien she
01:10:58asked two months ago if she could attend and i told her she would be welcome the day she apologized
01:11:05to
01:11:05you she did not she did not damien sloan she is your mother she had 30 years to be my
01:11:16mother she used
01:11:17that time to try to take you from me i am not paying her interest on a debt she did
01:11:20not service he buttoned
01:11:21the second cuff when she is ready to apologize to you she may come to dinner until then she may
01:11:27live
01:11:27with what she chose i crossed the room i straightened his tie slowly with both hands damien i love you
01:11:35he caught my hands at his collar he kissed both wrists one after the other mrs crane not yet in
01:11:4243
01:11:42minutes 43 i have been counting since 6 a.m he kissed me on the forehead he turned me toward
01:11:48the door
01:11:48your father is waiting downstairs all right sclone walk slowly why because the next time you walk
01:11:54through a door toward me you are mine i would like to remember every second of it he cried at
01:11:58the
01:11:58ceremony i had not expected him to i had not thought it possible he had been for the entirety of
01:12:04the time
01:12:05i had known him a man who had not visibly cried at a funeral a wedding a court ruling or
01:12:10a press
01:12:10conference he had stood at his father's gravesite and not shed a tear he cried on the porch of the
01:12:15lake
01:12:16house on a saturday in november when he saw me come around the corner of the house in my mother's
01:12:20dress
01:12:20my father saw it first he squeezed my elbow look at him i looked damien was standing at the end
01:12:27of the
01:12:27porch in front of the open front door the brass lock the lock that had held since the house was
01:12:32built
01:12:32was just behind him his hands were clasped in front of him his eyes were closed tears were moving slowly
01:12:38down his cheeks he did not wipe them he opened his eyes when i was three steps away he smiled
01:12:44it was the
01:12:45smile of a man who had been waiting a long time to use it my father set my hand into
01:12:49his
01:12:51damien sir she is yours sir she always was dad smiled he took his seat in the front row the
01:13:00officiant a friend of the family who had married my parents in the same spot long ago said a few
01:13:04words
01:13:05he spoke about commitment he spoke about the longevity of love that has been quietly held he spoke briefly
01:13:11about my mother who had taught him to make soda bread when he was a young man then he said
01:13:16damien
01:13:17your vows damien took both my hands sloan whitfield damien crane i have loved you for a very long time
01:13:23i kept a small notebook the notebook had in it everything i learned about you that nobody else
01:13:27knew the way you held your fork the way you closed a door so it did not click the way
01:13:32you ate the corners
01:13:33of a sandwich first the way you bit your thumb before you took an exam i do not need the
01:13:37notebook
01:13:37anymore the porch was very quiet he went on i am keeping it for our daughter i vow to love
01:13:42you with
01:13:43the precision and the patience of a man who has practiced i vow to defend you the way i have
01:13:47always
01:13:47defended you which is publicly immediately and without negotiation i vow to bring you tea every
01:13:52morning and to play the piano for you every night i vow to come home for dinner every night for
01:13:56the rest
01:13:56of my life i vow to never under any circumstances let you walk out of a room without telling you
01:14:01first
01:14:01that i love you that is what i have for you sloan the rest is yours to ask i said
01:14:05my vows i do not
01:14:06remember them i remember only that when the officiant said you may kiss the bride damien did not move
01:14:11quickly he moved very slowly he cupped my face the way he had cupped it the day he came up
01:14:16off the
01:14:17floor of the tent in rainbow he kissed me the first snow began on cue behind him we did not
01:14:23have a
01:14:23reception we had dinner 12 of us around a long wooden table in the dining room of the lake house
01:14:29with two of my cousins and my father and garcia and briggs and finn and the medic and the surgeon
01:14:34and the national science foundation chair who had brought his wife the food was simple the wine was
01:14:39old the conversation moved the way conversations at lake houses move in slow loops that did not need
01:14:45anywhere to go after dinner damien played the piano he played the eight notes my mother used to hum
01:14:50he played the second eight notes he had written for me alone in his apartment while i had been in
01:14:55alaska drilling whitfield one he played a third set of eight notes i had never heard he stopped
01:15:00after the third set he turned to me that one i wrote this morning when this morning 4am damien
01:15:08i will write you a new eight notes every morning of our marriage damien i have already started counting
01:15:15around midnight the guests went to bed in the guest rooms upstairs damien took my hand he led me out
01:15:21the
01:15:21front door onto the porch and down the gravel drive to the boathouse at the edge of the lake
01:15:25the boathouse was lit with a single lamp he had had it cleaned he had had a single chair placed
01:15:30inside
01:15:31it by the window facing the water he had hung and i almost laughed when i saw it every single
01:15:36one of
01:15:36the thousand cranes from the apartment library they hung from the ceiling of the boathouse in soft
01:15:41drifts of pale yellow and the lamp lit them from below he stood with me in the doorway sloan
01:15:47damien this is the last thing the last thing every other thing i have done over all this time
01:15:51i have done quietly i have folded a rain i have painted a wall i have learned a piece of
01:15:55music
01:15:55i have bought a building i've built a foundation network i have refused a marriage i did all of
01:15:59it quietly because you were not yet mine this is the last thing i do quietly he turned me to
01:16:04face him
01:16:04from tomorrow i do everything loudly i bring you flowers in front of every restaurant i hold your hand
01:16:08at every board meeting i introduce you at every event in the city as my wife for the rest of
01:16:12my life
01:16:13tell me you understand i understand sloan welcome home he cupped my face in both hands he kissed me
01:16:22slowly the way he had kissed me on the porch and behind him the thousand cranes turned slowly in the
01:16:28draft i had spent seven years thinking my life was a story about being seen by the wrong man it
01:16:33had been
01:16:34all along a story about being held up from underneath by the right one the right one was holding me
01:16:39now in
01:16:40a boat house at the edge of a lake at midnight in november in front of 1000 paper wishes he
01:16:44had
01:16:45folded for me before he was 30 years old the wish i had folded into the last crane months ago
01:16:50had been
01:16:51that i had not taken so long to see him the wish i made now standing in the doorway was
01:16:55that i would
01:16:56have a lifetime more the end
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