Abandoned on a Snow Mountain, I Became a Tycoon's Obsession

IndieGemCinema

Transcript

00:05:25You think you've won?

00:05:28You have money?

00:05:30You have a name?

00:05:31You have him?

00:05:32She tipped her chin at the corner.

00:05:34You spent seven years on Preston Marsh.

00:05:37Seven years.

00:06:08He never looked at you,

00:06:08my money.

00:06:38not at your price not at any price get out she did not move a footstep behind her from the

00:06:45corridor garcia in the doorway two security guards a respectful distance behind sloan

00:06:49you think you've cleaned all of it up she picked up the lilies on her way out wait until the

00:06:53audit

00:06:53drops then ask damien crane what he found the door closed behind her i turned my head toward

00:06:59the corner chair damien was already standing he did not look at me he was looking at the door

00:07:03reagan had just walked through his jaw was set in a way i had not seen since the tent in

00:07:07wrangle

00:07:08he turned to me the look i caught the first time was a man assessing exactly how angry he should

00:07:12let himself become damien sat back down on the edge of the bed he took his time he did not

00:07:16rush he laced

00:07:17his fingers across his knee he breathed in once deeply the way i had seen him do at family dinners

00:07:21when his mother said something cruel and he chose not to make it a war sloan she has mastered clues

00:07:25that we do not know that's right it's related to auditing about the audit i waited he was choosing

00:07:32his word i was going to wait until tomorrow to bring this up the audit is not finished the number

00:07:37is not final how bad six million unaccounted for is the floor not the ceiling six million dollars was

00:07:44not a clerical error six million dollars was a pattern six million through what a shell company

00:07:52registered in delaware address goes to a peepo box the signatory is a name i'm running down

00:07:57the wire pattern matches equipment vendor payments diving rigs that never arrived drill bits that were

00:08:03never installed travel reimbursements for trips no one took for seven years for at least the last

00:08:10four i closed my eyes the money had never mattered my family had given the foundation more in any

00:08:16single year than what preston had pocket in four what mattered was the shape of it the shape was he

00:08:21had been planning this since at least four years ago since the year he and i had taken a sabbatical

00:08:26month to iceland together the year he had asked me to marry him and then walked it back the same

00:08:31evening because it wasn't the right time

00:08:37damien

00:08:39i opened my eyes what does reagan have that we don't

00:08:45her name on a wire two of them so far

00:08:53she's not the graduate studies she's been pretending to be damien laid it out on the rolling

00:08:57tray table at my elbow two wire transferals both routed through the same delaware shell both signed

00:09:01at the receiving end by our snow the amounts were not enormous 84 000 112 000 both wired in the

00:09:07last

00:09:0714 months both dated to weeks reagan had been listed on preston's expedition minused as a junior

00:09:11researcher 84 000 for what equipment line item a piece of sonar gear that was never delivered

00:09:17she's 26 she's 26 on paper her undergrad was an internship at a foundation in connecticut

00:09:24whose director sat on three of preston's grant review panels

00:09:28she wasn't his accident she was his hire

00:09:31she was his hire

00:09:36how long have you known

00:09:39since the second wire cleared

00:09:42four months

00:09:46i was building i needed the chain to be unbreakable

00:09:50if you'd come to me sooner i'd have moved sooner

00:09:56i didn't know to come to you

00:09:58i know

00:09:59a nurse pushed open the door look at my face looked at the tray of documents looked at damon and

00:10:03quietly

00:10:03backed out damon picked up a fresh sheet from the bottom of the stack he turned it so i could

00:10:07see it was a screen grab of a private social media account locked one of two followers the

00:10:10western handle of a core counts the hand was not mine the post was dated two years before reagan

00:10:15had supposedly emailed preston out of the bluers the pin post was a photograph of preston

00:10:18in cross and shoe seat or hand invencible the wound throbbed once i let it

00:10:23damien

00:10:26she's been with him for

00:10:27at minimum three years

00:10:32three years

00:10:33three years was an entire fellowship cycle

00:10:35three years was a lab move

00:10:37three years was every conference where preston had told me he was too overwhelmed to bring me as a guest

00:10:42three years was the time during which i had been planning a wedding in my head

00:10:45while writing his grants in my hand

00:10:47i picked the photograph back up

00:10:49the hand on preston's cheek had a small mark at the wrist

00:10:52the same shape as a beauty mark reagan had

00:10:54very pale almost invisible against her skin i had once told her that mark was lovely

00:11:00she had told me she hated it

00:11:05how long until the audit drops

00:11:08friday three days

00:11:10how long until the criminal complaint files

00:11:14riley pope has already been brought in for questioning by the u.s attorney's office

00:11:17preston

00:11:18he'll be charged tuesday federal jurisdiction the beacon falls under interstate field safety regulations

00:11:23reagan reagan is more delicate the wires are evidence of fraud the relationship is evidence of motive

00:11:27the recording is evidence of intent but she'll lawyer up fast i expect her to flip on preston by the

00:11:32end of next week

00:11:32and the academic side

00:11:34marsh's ethics committee convenes wednesday at his university

00:11:37we are providing the audit the recording and the wires outcome is predictable

00:11:41he'll be stripped of his appointment his doctoral supervision rights his five most recent publications and the federal grant he

00:11:46was about to sign

00:11:48reeves

00:11:49damie did not blink

00:11:50reeves has known about the embezzlement for at least two years

00:11:53i closed my eyes

00:11:55he nominated you for the independent fellowship in part to diffuse internal questions about who your name kept appearing on

00:12:00the foundation paperwork and never on the bylines

00:12:02that's why he called me

00:12:04that's why

00:12:04a door opened

00:12:05i opened my eyes

00:12:06my father was standing in the doorway

00:12:08eyes red

00:12:09coats till on

00:12:10the wrinkles on his face deeper than i remembered

00:12:11you

00:12:12damien stood up

00:12:13he stopped two feet from damien and put both hands on damien's shoulders

00:12:15he did not look at me as he passed thank you

00:12:17my father had not cried in front of me since my mother's funeral

00:12:21he did not cry now

00:12:22exactly

00:12:22but he sat on the edge of my bed

00:12:24and held my left hand the one with damien's signet still on the forefinger

00:12:27and he did not let go for a long time

00:12:29don't talk

00:12:30he held my hand

00:12:31i have to

00:12:32sloan

00:12:32don't talk

00:12:33he looked at the signet

00:12:34he looked at damien standing very still by the window

00:12:37how long

00:12:3920 years sir

00:12:41i know that

00:12:42i mean the ring

00:12:44five days

00:12:45dad nodded once

00:12:46slow

00:12:53the pierces boy

00:12:55the one who used to follow sloan around the orchard at thanksgiving

00:12:58and pretend he didn't care if she shared her dessert

00:13:02yes sir

00:13:03dad almost smiled

00:13:04i told your father at the time

00:13:06told him what sir

00:13:08that you were going to be the kind of man

00:13:10who ran out of things to fear by the age of 30

00:13:17he didn't believe me

00:13:19he was wrong

00:13:22sweetheart

00:13:25the foundation is mine again

00:13:28as of this morning

00:13:29the board approved a clean break from the marsh laboratory and all of his ongoing projects

00:13:36the audit will be public when it drops

00:13:39your name will be cleared as of friday morning

00:13:42the donor wall in cambridge will be re-engraved with your sole credit on the whitfield climate initiative

00:13:49dad that's

00:13:50that's seven years of your life sloan

00:13:52not a favor

00:13:53he pressed my hand

00:13:55he stood up

00:13:56he kissed my forehead the way he had when i was a child home from school with strep

00:14:03i'm gonna step outside and let you rest

00:14:05i'll be in the hall

00:14:06i'll be in the hall

00:14:07he looked at damien

00:14:08crane

00:14:09sir

00:14:10when she's better

00:14:12we talk

00:14:15yes sir

00:14:18the door closed

00:14:22i looked at damien

00:14:23i had known him for a long time

00:14:26he gave you permission

00:14:27he sat back down on the edge of the bed

00:14:30he didn't have to

00:14:31i never asked him for any

00:14:36but yes

00:14:37he did

00:14:40i'll wait until you're ready

00:14:43for what

00:14:44he almost smiled

00:14:46not quite

00:14:47everything

00:15:00friday morning

00:15:01the audit dropped

00:15:01it hit the internet at 6 a.m. eastern

00:15:04a leak coordinated

00:15:05presumably

00:15:05by damien's communications team went to a science investigative reporter at a respected outlet

00:15:10by 8

00:15:11the headline had been picked up by every major u.s. paper

00:15:14by 10

00:15:15the hashtag was trending

00:15:16garcia walked into my room with a tablet and a tray of fresh squeezed orange juice

00:15:20216 articles since 6

00:15:23she tapped the screen

00:15:26glaciatology star falls in whitefield foundation fraud probe inside the regulin cover

00:15:31up

00:15:31i scrolled photographs of preston photographs of the rangel camp a still from the radio archive

00:15:36showing the time stamp on preston's order to disable my beacon a photograph of the equipment

00:15:41crate i had spent the night inside with claw marks down the side taken by a federal

00:15:46investigator the morning after my evacuation the comments were brutal if this is what academic

00:15:51excellence looks like this man let his girlfriend bleed in the snow for a grant

00:15:55the deputy who turned off her beacon should be in handcuffs by lunch

00:15:59i scrolled until i found reagan

00:16:01she had preempted the audit

00:16:04sloane whitfield could have died

00:16:06cry harder

00:16:08i closed the tablet

00:16:10how is preston taking it

00:16:11he has not been seen leaving his apartment

00:16:13the university has placed him on administrative leave pending wednesday's hearing

00:16:16riley pope has been charged

00:16:18he pleaded out

00:16:1918 months federal with cooperation

00:16:21reagan snow's lawyer issued a statement at 7 a.m. claiming she will fully co-op

00:16:25reeves

00:16:25dr reeves announced his retirement at 6 30 effective immediately the university accepted within the hour

00:16:31i exhaled

00:16:32the wound did not mind anymore

00:16:34in a meeting

00:16:35he'll be back at noon

00:16:37he left this for you

00:16:37she slid a small white card onto the tray

00:16:40i picked it up

00:16:41by saturday i was sitting upright in a chair by the window

00:16:44by sunday i was walking the corridor twice a day with a nurse at my elbow

00:16:48by monday they had moved me out of the icu and into a regular suite on the 14th floor

00:16:53where the view stretched all the way down across the east river

00:16:56the flowers had started arriving friday afternoon and had not stopped

00:16:59the first arrangement was from my graduate school cohort

00:17:02the second from the foundation board

00:17:04the third and this one had made me sit up from the chair of the national science foundation

00:17:08who had written a personal note saying he had been appalled

00:17:10and that i should consider when i was well enough picking up the principal investigator role on the project

00:17:15that had been preston's

00:17:16the fourth came with no card

00:17:18you're upright

00:17:20i'm upright

00:17:22how does it feel

00:17:23like i have a hole in my chest but a much smaller one than yesterday

00:17:26he almost smiled

00:17:28from you

00:17:32narcissus

00:17:33from the lake house

00:17:38damien

00:17:38he met my eyes

00:17:41how long

00:17:44the flower

00:17:46since you were 12

00:17:48not the flower

00:17:49he sat on the edge of the bed

00:17:50i sat with that

00:17:51sloan

00:17:5220 years

00:17:52i was 29

00:17:5320 years

00:17:54that meant when i had cried to him about my freshman year boyfriend at 16 he had already known

00:17:58that meant every time

00:17:59over the long stretch of years

00:18:00he had appeared at the edge of my life with the precise timing of a person who was paying very

00:18:04close attention

00:18:05without ever announcing himself

00:18:06i looked at the signet on my left hand

00:18:10damien

00:18:16why didn't you ever say

00:18:18damien took a long time to answer

00:18:19the light from the window had begun to thin

00:18:22the kind of new york winter dusk that turns everything blue

00:18:25when you were 12 you were 12 there was nothing to say

00:18:29when you were 16 you were dating that boy

00:18:31you were happy there was nothing to say

00:18:33when you were 19 you came home from college and told me you'd met a graduate student named

00:18:38preston marsh

00:18:40you want to know what i thought of him

00:18:44i told you he was fine

00:18:45you told me he was fine

00:18:48he wasn't fine

00:18:49i knew he wasn't fine

00:18:52but you wanted permission you were not asking me what i thought of him

00:18:58you were asking me to bless what you had already decided

00:19:01you blessed it anyway

00:19:04i blessed it anyway

00:19:05why

00:19:06he looked down at his hands

00:19:08because if i'd said no you have done it anyway and i would have lost you for the next decade

00:19:12instead of being able to sit across a holiday table from you twice a year

00:19:16i made a calculation

00:19:18the calculation was wrong

00:19:20he looked up

00:19:22i would have made a different one

00:19:24if i had known

00:19:26known what

00:19:27that he would put a hole in your chest

00:19:29the room held the sentence

00:19:30i felt the wound stir

00:19:32it did not hurt the same way anymore

00:19:33it hurt differently

00:19:34like something was being said through it

00:19:36and not done to it

00:19:38it wasn't his hole

00:19:39it was an ice shard

00:19:40it was his hole

00:19:41he left you with it

00:19:43he turned off your beacon

00:19:45he drove away

00:19:46he did not soften the statement

00:19:47the shape of the wound is ice full

00:19:49and you crossed the country

00:19:51the cause of the wound is preston marsh

00:19:53i would have crossed any country

00:19:58damien

00:19:58he did not look away

00:20:04i'm not gonna forgive him

00:20:06i know

00:20:07i'm not gonna take him back

00:20:09i know

00:20:11i am however

00:20:13going to need a minute

00:20:19i've spent a lifetime waiting for you

00:20:21take all the time you need

00:20:26he stood

00:20:27he bent forward

00:20:28his lips brushed my forehead

00:20:29light

00:20:29the way an older brother might

00:20:30the way a person who had been disciplined about a feeling for a very long time might

00:20:34when the door was finally cracked open

00:20:35i have a meeting at 7

00:20:37i'll be back at 9

00:20:38damien

00:20:41don't be late

00:20:42he almost smiled

00:20:44he left

00:20:45the narcissist on the windowsill held their pale yellow in the blue light

00:20:50tuesday afternoon

00:20:51preston was arraigned

00:20:52i did not watch the live stream

00:20:53gossier told me about it after the fact

00:20:56sitting in the chair by my bed with her tablet face down on her knee

00:20:59she summarized in her efficient

00:21:01neutral voice the same voice she used to read me the morning's flower deliveries

00:21:05preston had been processed through the federal courthouse in lower manhattan

00:21:09the charges were read loud

00:21:10federal embezzlement and wire fraud

00:21:13knowingly dissaying a fellow team member's emergency equipment in a hazardous environment

00:21:18and falsification of federal grant documentation

00:21:31his bail had been set at one million dollars

00:21:34his attorney had argued he was not a flight risk

00:21:37the prosecution had pointed to the whitfield foundation audit

00:21:40and to a passport that

00:21:42on inspection

00:21:43contained a sealed visa for a country with no extradition treaty

00:21:46his bail was set at one million dollars

00:21:49his attorney argued he was not a flight risk

00:21:51the prosecution pointed to the audit

00:21:54and to a passport with a visa for a country with no extradition treaty

00:21:58bail remained at one million dollars

00:22:00his passport was revoked

00:22:02how did he look

00:22:04smaller

00:22:05smaller

00:22:06at faculty fundraisers he carried himself like a man waiting to be the smartest in any room

00:22:11today he carried himself like a man waiting to be told what to do

00:22:15she set the tablet on the bedside table

00:22:17mr crane wants me to tell you

00:22:18wednesday's ethics committee hearing has been moved to 10 a.m

00:22:22the university requested that you attend by video link

00:22:24you may decline

00:22:26i'll attend

00:22:28mr crane suspected you would

00:22:32she rose

00:22:32is there anything else miss whitfield

00:22:34one thing

00:22:37reagan

00:22:38she has not been arraigned

00:22:40the u.s attorney's office is finalizing terms

00:22:42she will testify against preston and dr reeves

00:22:45she will not be testifying against you

00:22:47she will likely receive limited immunity on the fraud charges

00:22:50a deferred prosecution agreement

00:22:52community service and a permanent bar from federally funded research

00:22:55she still has her social media

00:22:57she still has her social media the court cannot regulate that

00:23:01that's fine

00:23:03let her have it

00:23:04mr crane will be displeased

00:23:06mr crane will live

00:23:08garcia paused

00:23:09halfway to the door

00:23:11garcia tilted her head a fraction

00:23:12she almost laughed

00:23:13she left

00:23:14i lay back against the pillows and watched the narcissist tilt slowly toward the late afternoon sun

00:23:19wednesday morning

00:23:2010 a.m garcia rolled in a portable monitor on a tray and angled it toward the bed

00:23:24the ethics committee at preston's university convened on screen seven chairs around a heavy wood table in a panelled room

00:23:30i had been inside

00:23:30once during my own thesis defense when reeves had introduced me as one of his students

00:23:35reeves was not at the table today

00:23:37he had retired friday morning

00:23:38the chair of the committee

00:23:39a tall woman in her 60s whose hair was twisted into a low knot

00:23:43opened the proceedings

00:23:45mr marsh do you have anything to say before we begin

00:23:48preston rose from his seat at the foot of the table

00:23:50he had aged a decade and five days

00:23:52the polished hair was unkempt

00:23:54the pressed shirt was open at the collar without a tie

00:23:57i do

00:23:57his voice was flatter than i had ever heard it

00:24:00whatever the committee decides i accept

00:24:03i acknowledge the irregularities in the funding records of the regling expedition

00:24:09i acknowledge the irregularities in the authorship history of the manuscripts under review

00:24:15on the day of the avalanche i did not handle the evacuation of my team as i should have

00:24:20the chair did not soften

00:24:21i accept the consequences of those choices

00:24:24the committee has reviewed the audit the field radio archive the wire records and the personal contribution log of sloan

00:24:31whitstone

00:24:31the committee has also reviewed the statement obtained this morning under cooperation agreement from riley pope

00:24:39do you acknowledge that you transmitted a radio instruction to disable sloan whitfile's emergency locator

00:24:47the room is very still

00:24:51i do

00:24:55at the time you transmitted that instruction were you aware that sloan whitston was injured

00:25:00and at the edge of the camp perimeter

00:25:06i do

00:25:09mr marsh

00:25:10the committee finds the following

00:25:12you have engaged in academic misconduct of the most serious kind

00:25:18your conduct on the day of the avalanche

00:25:21endangered the life of a fellow expedition member

00:25:24the body of work submitted under your sole authorship for the past four years

00:25:29contains substantial material taken from the unpublished work of sloan whitnick

00:25:33without consent or attribution

00:25:39the committee recommends that your tenure be revoked

00:25:42your doctoral supervision rights be terminated and the five most recent publications under your name be retracted

00:25:47you be permanently barred from holding any federally funded academic appointment

00:25:51the regolith climate proxies grant should be revoked and the funds returned

00:25:54do you wish to respond

00:25:56do you wish to respond

00:26:26it's done

00:26:28it's done

00:26:30it's done

00:26:31it's done

00:26:38he came on thursday not by appointment

00:26:40there's a man at security in the lobby asking to see you

00:26:43he's same

00:26:44he said his name was preston marsh

00:26:46i had told garcia

00:26:48he said he doesn't expect you to say yes

00:26:51let him up

00:26:51that i would receive him

00:26:53i had thought about it carefully

00:26:54i had thought about it the way damien thought about a chain of evidence not for spite

00:26:58not for forgiveness

00:26:59but to close the circuit

00:27:00i had spent seven years inside that circuit

00:27:02i needed to walk out under my own power

00:27:04damien was in a meeting on the other side of town

00:27:07i had not told him i had agreed to this

00:27:09i had not told him i had not agreed to this either

00:27:11the door opened

00:27:12preston stood in the doorway

00:27:13he did not come in

00:27:14he looked exactly as he had on the video feed except smaller

00:27:17somehow

00:27:18in person

00:27:19the way garcia had said

00:27:20the charcoal suit replaced by jeans and a sweater that did not fit him quite right

00:27:23the glass is askew

00:27:33slone

00:27:33get up

00:27:35i won't

00:27:35i'm not asking

00:27:37he stayed where he was

00:27:38i came to apologize

00:27:42he breathed in once

00:27:44out once

00:27:46i owe you an apology i cannot make in two pages

00:27:49i wrote it badly

00:27:52every grant

00:27:54every piece of equipment

00:27:56every late night

00:27:59i knew

00:28:00i always knew

00:28:01i told myself a story about it that let me sleep

00:28:05and the night of the avalanche

00:28:07i told riley to turn off the beacon

00:28:12i told myself the whitfields would send a plane

00:28:15i told myself

00:28:18you would always have a way out

00:28:21that's what i told myself

00:28:23so leaving you in the snow had no consequence

00:28:33that's what i told myself

00:28:35the room held it

00:28:36i let it hold

00:28:48preston

00:28:49he looked up

00:28:51get off the floor

00:28:54i won't

00:28:56you will

00:28:57because this is my room

00:28:59in my hospital

00:29:00in my city

00:29:01and i'm telling you to

00:29:02he got off the floor

00:29:03he stood near the foot of my bed

00:29:05three things

00:29:05hands at his sides

00:29:07head still bowed

00:29:08one

00:29:09i am not retracting any of the charges

00:29:11the federal case will proceed

00:29:14your career will not survive it

00:29:16that is not negotiable

00:29:19i haven't

00:29:21two

00:29:22i will not be writing a victim impact statement that asks the court for leniency

00:29:27i will be writing one that asks the court to apply the full weight of the statute

00:29:32you are free to write your own

00:29:33you are free to ask dr revils to write his own

00:29:37understood

00:29:38three

00:29:41i looked at him for a long time

00:29:43he had once been a man i would have crossed any distance to please

00:29:47there had been a year possibly two when i had organized my entire life around the question of what preston

00:29:52would think

00:29:53i looked at him now and i felt nothing

00:29:55not contempt

00:29:56not pity

00:29:57not love

00:29:58not even anger

00:29:59a clean nothing

00:30:00the way you might look at a coat you wore through college

00:30:02hanging in the back of a closet

00:30:04and feel surprised that you had ever fit into it

00:30:06i do not accept it

00:30:17not because it isn't sincere

00:30:19today

00:30:20it might be

00:30:21i think it might be

00:30:23what i have learned

00:30:24in seven years of you

00:30:26is that your sincerity is a renewable resource

00:30:28it comes back every time the consequences arrive

00:30:33it always sound the same

00:30:35it always asks the same thing

00:30:37which is for me to absorb the cost

00:30:40i'm done absorbing the cost

00:30:45you will live with what you did

00:30:48i will not be helping you live with it

00:30:51for a moment i thought he might say something more some version of the speech

00:30:54refine now to its purest form

00:30:56that he had been delivering to me

00:30:57in fragments

00:30:58for seven years

00:30:59he didn't

00:30:59he closed his eyes once

00:31:01he opened them

00:31:02i understand

00:31:03he walked to the door

00:31:04in the doorway

00:31:04he paused

00:31:05he did not look back

00:31:07sloan

00:31:08yes

00:31:10be happy

00:31:13the door closed behind him

00:31:15i sat alone in the hospital suite

00:31:17with the late afternoon light moving slowly across the floor

00:31:19i waited to feel something

00:31:20after a long time

00:31:21i noticed what i felt was the absence of something

00:31:24a weight i had been carrying since the year i was 22

00:31:28for seven years i carried that weight

00:31:30i turned my life into a project just to be seen

00:31:34i piled up my efforts as evidence

00:31:37but i don't need to be seen by him anymore

00:31:42when i had decided that the rest of my life was going to be a project of making one specific

00:31:47man see me

00:31:47it was no longer there

00:31:48i picked up my phone

00:31:50i texted damien

00:31:52come back when you can

00:31:53he answered within 10 seconds

00:31:56on my way

00:31:58damien did not knock

00:31:59the door to my hospital suite opened 12 minutes after preston walked out of it

00:32:03and damien stood in the doorway with snow still melting on his shoulders

00:32:06he did not look at me first

00:32:08he looked at the chair where preston had been kneeling

00:32:10he looked at the spot on the carpet where preston's knees had pressed two indentations

00:32:14he looked at the trace of cologne preston's faint civilians still hanging in the air

00:32:19he crossed the room in five strides

00:32:22did he touch you

00:32:25damien

00:32:27sloan

00:32:29did he touch you

00:32:31no

00:32:37his thumbs moved across my cheekbones

00:32:39my temples

00:32:40the line of my jaw checking

00:32:42the way a person checks a child after they have fallen

00:32:49i should not have left this morning

00:32:51i asked garcia to let him up

00:32:56i know

00:32:57she called me on the drive back

00:32:59i broke three traffic laws

00:33:00damien

00:33:02i would have broken 30

00:33:10look at me

00:33:19i had not

00:33:20in all the time i had known him

00:33:22seen damien crane afraid of anything

00:33:24not his father

00:33:26not his mother

00:33:27not a boardroom

00:33:28not a press conference

00:33:30not the leverage held over him by half of manhattan

00:33:34he was afraid now

00:33:35he was afraid that i had spent 12 minutes in a room with the man i had loved for seven

00:33:39years

00:33:40and that 12 minutes was all it took for me to forgive him

00:33:45i told him no

00:33:48i know

00:33:49i told him to leave

00:33:53i know

00:33:54i am not going back to him

00:33:57he closed his eyes

00:33:58he pressed his forehead to mine

00:34:00he stayed there

00:34:01breathing

00:34:02for a long time

00:34:09slone

00:34:11i am about to be very selfish

00:34:14be selfish

00:34:17i do not want to leave this room again

00:34:20then don't

00:34:23he did not

00:34:34he did not sleep that night

00:34:36the chair he pulled up to my bed

00:34:38was leather and too small

00:34:39he folded himself into it anyway

00:34:41he held my left hand inside both of his

00:34:44and watched the heart monitor as if it might lie if he looked away

00:34:47sometime around 3 a.m. i pretended to be asleep

00:34:51just to see what he would do

00:34:52he stood up

00:34:54he walked to the window

00:34:55he looked out at the east river for 10 minutes

00:34:58he turned back

00:34:59he stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise and fall

00:35:02counting

00:35:03with the precision of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac

00:35:07then he came back to the chair

00:35:08he leaned in

00:35:09he pressed his lips

00:35:11very lightly

00:35:12to the inside of my wrist where the ivy line went in

00:35:14he whispered into my skin

00:35:31i am sorry i did not come sooner

00:35:36when

00:35:40you were awake

00:35:41sooner when damien

00:35:48eight years ago

00:35:50when

00:35:51the night you came home from grad school for the holiday

00:35:54you laughed at something preston said about a sample i had never heard of

00:35:58i went home and painted 700 nassaville on a wall

00:36:03and decided i would wait

00:36:05i should have come for you that night

00:36:09damien

00:36:11i would have

00:36:11if i had known how it would end

00:36:14he looked at the signet on my fourth finger

00:36:18i bought this a long time ago

00:36:21this ring

00:36:22this ring

00:36:25for me

00:36:26for the day i stopped waiting

00:36:30i waited far longer than i should have

00:36:32i am not waiting an hour longer than i have to

00:36:36damien

00:36:37hmm

00:36:39what are you telling me

00:36:40he met my eyes

00:36:47i am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise

00:36:50when you walk out of this hospital

00:36:51you walk into my house

00:36:59and you do not walk out of it again unless i am holding the door

00:37:05the next person who tries to take you from me

00:37:08will spend the rest of his life regretting it

00:37:25faster

00:37:26good

00:37:35discharge day

00:37:36damien did not let a nurse touch me

00:37:38he sent the wheelchair away

00:37:40he sent the orderly away

00:37:42he scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees and one behind my shoulders and carried

00:37:46me

00:37:47slowly

00:37:47the length of the corridor to the elevator

00:37:50i had walked

00:37:51by then

00:37:52the length of that corridor on my own three times

00:37:55i did not need to be carried

00:37:56i did not object

00:37:58the elevator opened in the underground garage

00:38:01a black idled

00:38:02he set me down only long enough to open the door

00:38:04and then he lifted me again into the back seat as if the act of placing me there himself was

00:38:09something he could not delegate

00:38:10garcia

00:38:10in the front passenger seat

00:38:12did not turn around

00:38:14the pulled out

00:38:15damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown

00:38:29i bought the building

00:38:31which building

00:38:32my building

00:38:33i own the penthouse

00:38:34i bought the rest of it last month

00:38:36all of it

00:38:39why

00:38:41i did not want strangers across a wall from you

00:38:46damien

00:38:50the other residents have been compensated above market

00:38:53they had 90 days to relocate

00:38:55the last unit cleared on friday

00:38:57the building is empty except for the staff i vetted

00:39:01and the floor i am going to put your father on if he wants it

00:39:04my father has a house

00:39:06he has a house

00:39:07he may also have the eighth floor

00:39:10damien

00:39:10you are being excessive

00:39:14i am told i am being excessive

00:39:17he brought my hand to his mouth

00:39:19tell me to stop

00:39:21i am not telling you to stop

00:39:24i can't bear to

00:39:27the pulled into the garage

00:39:31he carried me into the elevator

00:39:33the doors opened directly into his foyer

00:39:36into the wall of painted narcissus

00:39:38and he set me down in front of it

00:39:46look

00:39:47look

00:39:47i looked

00:39:48a second wall

00:39:49opposite the first

00:39:51had been painted in my absence

00:39:53cores

00:39:53the shapes of ice cores

00:39:5537 of them

00:39:57one for every site i had drilled in 7 years

00:39:59labeled in white paint in my own handwriting

00:40:01which had been copied

00:40:03line for line

00:40:04from photographs of the field journal reagan had stolen

00:40:07i could not speak

00:40:16i commissioned it in march

00:40:17the artist worked from your notebooks

00:40:19i had the originals returned from the federal evidence locker on a temporary basis

00:40:23they are now back in the locker

00:40:26damien

00:40:27the paintings are yours

00:40:29welcome home sloan

00:40:30the first week in his apartment

00:40:32i learned how he had been loving me for a long time

00:40:35i learned it in small pieces

00:40:36the way a person learns the contents of a house they have moved into without at all

00:40:40a bookshelf in the library held every paper i had ever published even the undergraduate ones

00:40:45even the conference posters bound in matching cloth and arranged in chronological order

00:40:49a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's recipe for soda bread

00:40:53hand copied from her handwriting onto a card he had laminated

00:40:56a folder in his study

00:40:57kept in a drawer

00:40:58a drawer he did not lock contained years of photographs of me clipped from family christmas cards and university newsletters

00:41:04and the society pages i found the folder on the sixth day i did not tell him i had found

00:41:10it i sat on the floor of his study and turned through the photographs in order and at the back

00:41:14of the folder i found a single envelope sealed addressed to me in his handwriting and dated a long time

00:41:19ago i almost opened it i did not i left it where it was that night at dinner i asked

00:41:25him the letter in the back of the folder

00:41:27he set his fork down he did not pretend to misunderstand

00:41:30you found it

00:41:32what is it

00:41:34it is what i would have said to you that night if i had come for you instead of painting

00:41:37the wall

00:41:38you kept it

00:41:41i kept everything

00:41:42damien

00:41:43i have kept the napkin you wrote your phone number on when you were 11

00:41:46i have kept the wrapper of the chocolate you split with me at your sister's christenshin

00:41:49i have kept the program of every recital your mother dragged us to

00:41:52i have kept the cockscrew you used to open the wine at your graduation dinner

00:41:55i have kept the boarding pass you gave me when you came back from iceland the year you turned 23

00:42:00and asked if i would pick you up from jf because your boyfriend had forgotten

00:42:04he met my eyes

00:42:06i have kept all of it because i had to keep something

00:42:08i set my fork down too

00:42:10how many marriages did your mother arrange for you

00:42:13three

00:42:15you refused all three

00:42:16i refused all three

00:42:19for me

00:42:20sloan

00:42:22everything i have ever refused i refused for you

00:42:24his mother came on tuesday

00:42:26she had not

00:42:27in the seven years i dated preston

00:42:29sent me so much as a holiday card

00:42:31she came now with a bouquet of pale pink peonies

00:42:34and a smile that did not reach her eyes

00:42:36and she sat across from me in damien's living room

00:42:38with the careful posture of a woman conducting a negotiation

00:42:41she expected to win

00:42:43damien stood by the window

00:42:44he did not sit

00:42:45he did not greet his mother

00:42:47sloan and dear

00:42:48i came to welcome you

00:42:49mrs crane

00:42:50i imagine all of this has been very overwhelming

00:42:52the hospital the press

00:42:53my son's enthusiasm

00:42:54his enthusiasm

00:42:55he has always been intense

00:42:58particularly about the things he has wanted for a long time

00:43:01i wonder if you have considered my dear

00:43:03whether intensity about this stage in your recovery is perhaps what you need

00:43:06by the window

00:43:07damien turned

00:43:08he did not raise his voice

00:43:09mother

00:43:10damien

00:43:11you have ten seconds to walk out of this apartment

00:43:16damien i am only

00:43:17eight seconds

00:43:19you will not speak to me

00:43:21six seconds

00:43:22the peonies

00:43:24untouched on the coffee table

00:43:25trembled with the vibration of the elevator returning to the foyer

00:43:28she rose

00:43:29she gathered her coat

00:43:31she looked at me with the same smile pulled tight across her face

00:43:34my dear

00:43:34when this novelty passes

00:43:36two seconds

00:43:37she left the elevator doors closed

00:43:39damien did not move for a long moment

00:43:41then he crossed the room

00:43:42and knelt in front of the chair where i was sitting

00:43:45he took both my hands

00:43:46sloan

00:43:48damien

00:43:49my mother will not be in this apartment again

00:43:51damien she's your mother

00:43:52my mother spent a long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard enough

00:43:55she introduced me to fourteen women whose family is my last name

00:43:58she told my father at one point that i was an embarrassment to the family for refusing to marry

00:44:01she does not get to walk in here now and call you a novelty

00:44:04there is no version of this where you are second to anyone sloan

00:44:07not my mother

00:44:09not the company

00:44:10not the past

00:44:11he pressed my knuckles to his mouth

00:44:14not for the rest of my life

00:44:17he visited preston in prison on a wednesday

00:44:20i did not know he had gone until he came home and sat across from me at the kitchen island

00:44:24and poured himself a glass of whiskey and told me

00:44:26i went to see marsh today

00:44:28damien

00:44:29i had to

00:44:31why

00:44:33i wanted him to see my face

00:44:35he turned the glass in his fingers

00:44:37he has been telling himself since the hearing that what happened to him was the system

00:44:41that the audit broke him

00:44:43that the federal prosecutor broke him

00:44:45that the press broke him

00:44:47i wanted him to know it was a man

00:44:49what did you say to him

00:44:52i sat across a steel table from her 14 minutes

00:44:54i didn't speak for the first 10

00:44:55he waited

00:44:56he was the one who broke

00:44:57he asked me what i wanted

00:44:59i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what he had done

00:45:02that he had touched a woman i had loved for a long time

00:45:04that he had taken seven years of her life and gambled them on a press release

00:45:09that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her family would clean it up

00:45:12i told him that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to understand

00:45:15was that there had never been a moment in all the time he had known her when she was unprotected

00:45:19i told him that he was alive only because you had asked me not to make a different decision

00:45:22he drank

00:45:25he cried

00:45:27damien

00:45:27i did not enjoy it

00:45:28did you not

00:45:29he set down the glass

00:45:32i enjoyed every second of it i'm not going to pretend otherwise

00:45:35i sat across from a man who had hurt you and i watched him understand for the first time

00:45:39that he had been a small animal stepping on the tail of a much larger one

00:45:42he came around the island

00:45:44he stopped in front of me

00:45:45he cupped the back of my neck the way he had cupped my skull in the tent

00:45:49that is what i am sloan

00:45:50with respect to you

00:45:52i

00:45:52am the much larger animal

00:45:55i will be that animal for the rest of your life

00:45:57for any person who looks at you sideways

00:45:58i am not going to pretend to be a different one

00:46:00tell me you understand

00:46:02i understand

00:46:04he pressed his forehead to mine

00:46:07good

00:46:08reagan called the apartment on a thursday

00:46:10she had been told

00:46:11by every lawyer involved

00:46:13not to

00:46:14the no contact clause was in effect

00:46:16she called anyway

00:46:17through the main line of crane industries

00:46:19asking to be put through to me by name

00:46:21the receptionist forwarded the call to garcia

00:46:23garcia forwarded it to damien

00:46:25damien answered on speaker

00:46:27in front of me

00:46:28at the kitchen island

00:46:29miss snow

00:46:31master crane

00:46:32i am calling because

00:46:34you are calling because your book deal collapsed

00:46:37your father's foundation has been quietly delisted from three donor circles in the last six weeks

00:46:42your fiance's family has rescinded the engagement

00:46:45your apartment lease is not being renewed

00:46:47and you have correctly disduced that all of this is connected

00:46:50silence

00:46:51it is connected

00:46:53mr crane

00:46:54i would like you to listen to me very carefully miss snow

00:46:57the reason your life is currently coming apart is not because i am vindictive

00:47:01i am perfectly capable of vindictiveness

00:47:03i have not yet been vindictive with you

00:47:06the reason your life is coming apart is because the woman whose career you tried to take

00:47:09whose data you stole and whose recording i played in front of you in a tent at minus 31

00:47:14asked me three months ago to leave you alone

00:47:16i have honored that request

00:47:20i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to honor it

00:47:25it turns out there are a great number of those people

00:47:28they are removing you on their own from the rooms they control

00:47:32the book editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloan's

00:47:35the donor coordinator at your father's foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago

00:47:38your fiance's mother has been on the board of the whitfield climate initiative since 2011

00:47:43they are not retaliating the snow

00:47:45they are simply choosing

00:47:46mr crane please

00:47:48i am not the one you should be asking miss snow

00:47:51he ended the call

00:47:52he set down the phone

00:47:53he looked at me

00:47:55she will call again

00:47:56she will eventually call you

00:47:58she might

00:47:59i would like permission

00:48:00when she does to make a small adjustment to her circumstances

00:48:03what adjustment

00:48:04a federal investigation currently dormant into the source of the wire that funded her

00:48:08original internship

00:48:10damien

00:48:10i will only act if you tell me to

00:48:12i looked at him for a long moment

00:48:14i did not tell him to

00:48:15i also did not tell him not to

00:48:17he read my face

00:48:18he nodded once

00:48:20he poured me a cup of tea

00:48:21the nights were the hardest

00:48:23i had not

00:48:24in seven years with preston

00:48:26slept poorly

00:48:27i had slept on his couches and in his tents and across his shoulders on long flights

00:48:31and i had slept the way a person who believed in the structure of her life slept

00:48:35the structure was gone now

00:48:37the nights showed it

00:48:38i did not tell damien

00:48:39he noticed anyway

00:48:41he noticed on the fourth night

00:48:42when he came up to bring me a book i had asked for

00:48:45and found me sitting on the couch by the south windows with the lights off

00:48:49he set the book down

00:48:50he sat next to me

00:48:51he did not ask

00:48:53he simply pulled me

00:48:54carefully

00:48:55against his shoulder

00:48:56and we sat that way until the city lights began to thin toward dawn

00:48:59on the fifth night

00:49:01he came up at ten

00:49:02on the sixth night

00:49:03he came up at nine

00:49:04on the seventh night

00:49:05he stayed

00:49:06he did not ask permission

00:49:08he came up with a small leather bag and a book and the smallest

00:49:11most contained smile i had ever seen on his face

00:49:14and he said

00:49:15sloan

00:49:16i am gonna sleep in the second bedroom

00:49:18the door will be open

00:49:19if you need me

00:49:20you say my name

00:49:21you do not have to get up

00:49:22you do not have to ring a bell

00:49:23you say my name

00:49:24and i will be in the room in under three seconds

00:49:27damien

00:49:28i am not asking for anything

00:49:33i know

00:49:34i am telling you that for the rest of your life

00:49:36if you say my name in the dark

00:49:37i will be there in under three seconds

00:49:40he kissed my forehead

00:49:42he went into the second bedroom

00:49:44he left the door open

00:49:45i lay in my own bed for the first hour

00:49:47i listened to the sounds of him in the next room

00:49:49the small zipper of the leather bag

00:49:51the click of a lamp

00:49:52the soft rustle of a turned page

00:49:54at eleven thirty

00:49:55the page turning stopped

00:49:56he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest

00:49:59i got up

00:50:00i crossed the hallway

00:50:01i stood in the doorway of the second bedroom

00:50:03and watched him sleep a man in a charcoal pullover

00:50:06and reading glasses

00:50:07in a guest bed in his own house

00:50:09lit by a single lamp

00:50:10he had been waiting a long time to sleep in the same hallway as me

00:50:13i went back to my room

00:50:15i left both doors open

00:50:16i slept the whole night through

00:50:18he gave me the cranes on a sunday

00:50:20i had told him

00:50:21two weeks earlier

00:50:22in the way a person tells a story that no longer matters

00:50:25that as a child i had folded a wish into a paper crane

00:50:28and put it in a jar on my bedroom windowsill

00:50:30the wish had been for my mother to get well

00:50:32my mother had not gotten well

00:50:34i had stopped folding cranes

00:50:36he had said nothing at the time

00:50:37he had simply nodded

00:50:39he led me to the library that sunday morning

00:50:41he opened the double doors

00:50:42the room three stories of bookshelves

00:50:45a leather sofa

00:50:46his piano against the back wall had been filled

00:50:48since i had last been in it the day before

00:50:50with paper cranes

00:50:52there were thousands of them

00:50:53they hung from the ceiling on threads of clear nylon

00:50:55in soft drifts

00:50:57at different heights

00:50:58in the pale yellow of winter narcissus

00:51:00i stopped in the doorway

00:51:01one thousand

00:51:04damien

00:51:04one for every wish i have made for you since we were children

00:51:07i kept count

00:51:08he stepped into the room

00:51:10he turned one of the cranes

00:51:11gently

00:51:12on its thread

00:51:13i started after the year your mother died

00:51:14i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for you

00:51:16i started folding

00:51:17i folded one a week for the first year

00:51:19two a week for the next

00:51:20sometime around my underground years i lost track

00:51:22i counted them last month

00:51:24there were 947

00:51:26i folded the last 53 in the apartment downstairs

00:51:29while you were upstairs sleeping

00:51:30i crossed the room

00:51:31i touched one of the cranes

00:51:33the paper was thin

00:51:34and cool

00:51:35the crease was perfect

00:51:36i knew the fold

00:51:37it was the same fold i had used at 9

00:51:40he had been folding cranes for me

00:51:41alone

00:51:42in his apartment

00:51:43for a long time

00:51:46damien

00:51:47what were the wishes

00:51:48he looked at me

00:51:49that you would grow up happy

00:51:50that you would grow up loved

00:51:52that you would grow up to do the work you wanted

00:51:54that you would eventually be able to come home and rest

00:51:58that you would eventually see me

00:52:01that is the only wish i never finished folding

00:52:03he reached up and unhooked a single crane from a thread above his head

00:52:07he held it out to me

00:52:08i would like you to fold the last one

00:52:10i took the crane

00:52:10it was a half fold

00:52:12the paper waiting

00:52:12the crease set

00:52:13damien

00:52:15when you are ready

00:52:18i am ready

00:52:19i folded the last crane

00:52:20the wish i folded inside it was that i had not taken so long to see him

00:52:24i hung it on the empty thread

00:52:26he held me

00:52:27in the doorway of the library

00:52:28for a long time

00:52:32i kissed him that night

00:52:33not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago

00:52:36not a kiss i was allowing him to give me

00:52:39a kiss i gave him

00:52:40i crossed the library after dinner

00:52:42he was at the piano

00:52:43playing the eight notes my mother used to hum

00:52:45he did not see me coming

00:52:47i sat down next to him on the bench

00:52:49i waited for him to finish the phrase

00:52:51i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under his chin

00:52:54i kissed him

00:52:55he went very still

00:52:56for a heartbeat

00:52:57he did not respond

00:52:58then he made a small sound not a word

00:53:01something quieter

00:53:02a sound i had never heard him make

00:53:04in all the time i had known him

00:53:05and his hand came up to cut the back of my neck

00:53:07and the bench creaked

00:53:08because he had moved without thinking

00:53:10he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person

00:53:12he has been kissing in his head every night for a long time

00:53:15when he pulled back

00:53:16both his hands were on my face

00:53:18his breath was not steady

00:53:19his eyes had gone very dark

00:53:21sloan

00:53:23damien

00:53:23i would like to say something

00:53:26say it

00:53:28i have loved you for a very long time

00:53:31i have loved you across continents

00:53:32and three engagements i refused

00:53:34and seven years of a man who was not me

00:53:35i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat

00:53:38i have loved you while you wrote thank you notes addressed to him

00:53:40on stationery i paid for

00:53:42i have loved you while you called me at midnight

00:53:44to ask which dress you should wear to his department dinner

00:53:46i have loved you in every shape a man can love a woman

00:53:48and still hide it

00:53:50i am not going to hide any of it from this minute forward

00:53:55damien

00:53:56hmm

00:53:58i love you

00:53:59his hands tightened on my face

00:54:01say it again

00:54:03i love you

00:54:05again

00:54:06i love you damien

00:54:07he pressed his forehead to mine

00:54:08for a long moment he did not move

00:54:10he simply breathed

00:54:12then he picked me up off the bench carefully

00:54:14with respect to the wound and walked me out of the library

00:54:17past the wall of narcissus

00:54:19into the foyer

00:54:20he did not put me down at the elevator

00:54:22he carried me into the bedroom

00:54:23he set me

00:54:24slowly

00:54:25on the edge of the bed

00:54:26he knelt on the floor in front of me

00:54:28he took both my hands

00:54:29i am not going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night i die

00:54:33he looked up at me

00:54:34but i would like

00:54:35tonight to ask you one thing

00:54:37marry me

00:54:38the cranes

00:54:39in the library down the hall

00:54:40turned slowly on their threads in the draft from the open window

00:54:45yes

00:54:48damien yes

00:54:49he did not let me go to alaska alone

00:54:51we had agreed

00:54:52weeks earlier

00:54:53that he would not come

00:54:54he had said it himself in the kitchen that the right answer for my career was yes

00:54:58and the right answer for his heart was no

00:55:00and that he would not be the one who decided which side of the snow line i slept on

00:55:04he had meant it

00:55:05he had also

00:55:06the same night he meant it

00:55:07started building a contingency

00:55:09i found out about the contingency on the morning of april

00:55:12second

00:55:13he came into the breakfast room with a folder under his arm and set it down next to my coffee

00:55:17sloney

00:55:19hmm

00:55:20crane industries has launched a polar research division

00:55:25when

00:55:27last week

00:55:30damien

00:55:30the division is headquarters out of anchorage

00:55:33it is funding three independent scientific teams across the rongel and saint alia ranges

00:55:38the director of the division is a 58 year old former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally

00:55:42approved at 3 a.m. on a sunday

00:55:44the director reports to a vice president of strategic operations

00:55:48damien

00:55:48the vice president of strategic operations will be working out of a forward base camp in the ringlish range from

00:55:53april 15th through the close of the field season

00:55:55damien

00:55:56the vice president of strategic operations me

00:55:58i close the folder

00:55:59you are not coming with me to the field as my boyfriend

00:56:02i am not coming with you to the field as your boyfriend

00:56:04you are coming with me to the field as the vice president of a polar research resension you invented in

00:56:10the last three weeks

00:56:12with cover that will hold up to any audit

00:56:15damien

00:56:16i will sleep in a separate module

00:56:17i will not interfere with your team

00:56:19i will not be on your your radio frequency

00:56:20i will however be 300 yards away every night you are in the field

00:56:24you did not have to do this

00:56:26i had to do this

00:56:29why

00:56:29he sat down across from me

00:56:31he took my left hand

00:56:32he looked at the signet ring he had slid onto it the night of the surgery and never asked back

00:56:37because the last time you went to that mountain without me you came home with a hole in your chest

00:56:41i am not living through that twice

00:56:43i can take care of myself

00:56:45i know you can

00:56:47i am asking

00:56:48please

00:56:49for the rest of my life to never have to find out again

00:56:52i looked at him for a long moment

00:56:53i had spent seven years asking a man to follow me to airports

00:56:56i now had a man who would follow me to ice

00:56:59all right

00:56:59he brought my hand to his mouth

00:57:03thank you

00:57:04we landed in anchorage on april 15th

00:57:07he had flown commercial

00:57:08three days ahead of me

00:57:09to maintain the cover

00:57:10he met me at the airport in a crane industries parka with a name tag that said d

00:57:15crane

00:57:15vp strategic ops and a face so neutral that even i almost believed it

00:57:20he shook my hand at the gate

00:57:21he did not kiss me

00:57:22he carried my carry on to the suv

00:57:24in the suv

00:57:25with the doors closed and the windows tinted

00:57:28he took my face in both hands and kissed me as if he had not seen me in a year

00:57:31three days was too long

00:57:35damien

00:57:35i am revising the cover

00:57:37i will be sleeping in your module

00:57:39that defeats the cover

00:57:41i do not care

00:57:44damien

00:57:44three days sloan

00:57:46he kissed me again

00:57:47the cover for the record

00:57:49held

00:57:49the cold weather medic worked it out the first night

00:57:52finn worked it out the second

00:57:54briggs

00:57:54who had transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february

00:57:58worked it out before we even landed

00:58:00nobody said anything

00:58:01nobody had to

00:58:02damien did not hide that he watched me work

00:58:05damien did not hide that he ate every meal next to me

00:58:08damien did not hide that when i came back from the day's transects with snow in my hair

00:58:11he met me at the door of the heated module with a towel he had warmed by the stove

00:58:15the team

00:58:16by week two

00:58:17simply absorbed him

00:58:18finn said it best

00:58:19late one night in the operations module

00:58:21after damien had stepped out to take a call

00:58:24sloan

00:58:25i have seen a lot of men love a lot of women

00:58:28i have never seen one love a woman like that

00:58:30like what

00:58:32like you are the only currency he has ever wanted

00:58:35i did not have an answer for that

00:58:36finn went back to his clipboard

00:58:38damien came back in

00:58:39he sat down next to me

00:58:41he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking

00:58:43he glanced at the medical chart on my clipboard

00:58:46frowned slightly at one number on it

00:58:48and said

00:58:48pulse is up

00:58:49i just walked in from the field

00:58:51that is not field walk pulse

00:58:54damien

00:58:54i would like the medic to look at you tonight

00:58:56the medic looked at me that night

00:58:57the pulse was

00:58:58as it turned out

00:59:00fine

00:59:00damien did not apologize for asking

00:59:03in the third week

00:59:04i learned about the foundations

00:59:05i learned about them by accident

00:59:07the way i had learned about the wall of narcissus

00:59:10and the box of cranes

00:59:11and the bound copies of every paper i had ever published

00:59:14he did not volunteer

00:59:15the

00:59:16information

00:59:16i found it by following a thread

00:59:18the thread was a small thank you note from a graduate student in cape town that arrived at base camp

00:59:23by satellite mail

00:59:24the student had received a stipend from the polar atlas foundation to attend a conference where i had given a

00:59:30keynote four years earlier

00:59:31the note was effusive

00:59:32it thanked me for the body of work and the foundation for the stipend

00:59:35i had never heard of the polar atlas foundation

00:59:38i looked it up

00:59:39polar atlas foundation had given approximately eight hundred thousand dollars over the past nine years in small individual stipends

00:59:46to graduate students in glaciology

00:59:48climate science

00:59:49and polar geophysics

00:59:51the recipient list was a precise map of every young researcher whose work had any tangential connection to mine

00:59:56the foundations board was three people

00:59:58none of them i had heard of

01:00:00i traced the llc behind the foundation through three jurisdictions

01:00:03it was damien's

01:00:04i traced four other foundations through the same pattern

01:00:07northern light trust

01:00:08ice and salt initiative

01:00:10the one thousand nine hundred and sixty two foundation

01:00:14named

01:00:15i realized

01:00:16for the year of the lock at the lake house

01:00:18the whitfield adjacent fellowship

01:00:20together

01:00:20they had quietly dispersed about eleven million dollars to young scientists in fields adjacent to mine

01:00:26i confronted him about it that night in our module

01:00:28he did not deny it

01:00:30damien

01:00:31i funded your students

01:00:34i do not have students

01:00:36you will

01:00:38i funded the field you were going to lead

01:00:44damien

01:00:45he took my hand

01:00:46i have been preparing the ground slum

01:00:48for a long time

01:00:49i built the foundation network the same way i built the apartment in the wall

01:00:52not for you to notice

01:00:54for you to land in

01:00:55when you were ready

01:00:56when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will

01:00:58every promising postdoc in the discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you

01:01:02i did not stack the dare

01:01:03because i did not trust you to win without it

01:01:05i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight for what should have been handed to you

01:01:09seven years ago

01:01:09damien

01:01:10yes

01:01:11there is no part of my life

01:01:13you have not been holding up from underneath

01:01:15there is no part of you sloan

01:01:17i am not willing to hold up from underneath

01:01:18in the fourth week

01:01:19he showed me reagan's file

01:01:21he had not brought it up since we landed

01:01:23he brought it up only because

01:01:25that morning

01:01:26an emergency message had come through the satellite system

01:01:29a tabloid in new york had published a photograph of me being carried

01:01:32by damien

01:01:33off the medevac in february

01:01:35the photograph had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the helipad

01:01:39the caption beneath the photo was a quote attributed

01:01:42anonymously

01:01:43to a close friend of reagan snow

01:01:44suggesting that i had been romantically pursuing damien crane during my seven year relationship with preston

01:01:50damien read it to me at breakfast

01:01:52he did not raise his voice

01:01:53he set down the satellite tablet

01:01:55he picked up his coffee

01:01:57he took a slow sip

01:02:00sclone

01:02:02damien

01:02:02i am withdrawing my offer to leave her alone

01:02:05damien

01:02:06she violated the no contact clause when she planted the quote

01:02:09that is now her problem not mine

01:02:10the deferred prosecution agreement is forfeit

01:02:12she will be charged with the underlying fraud on monday

01:02:15the federal investigation into her undergray with funding will be opened on tuesday

01:02:19i would like to do one additional thing

01:02:21he looked at me

01:02:22i would like to release the recording the full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call from the wrangle command

01:02:28tent had been used in the ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full audio had never been made

01:02:33public the two minute clip the press had covered had only contained the part about the journal the remaining 90

01:02:38seconds contained the part where she had called me stupid for thinking money could buy a man the part where

01:02:43she had described in detail the strategy of waiting for me to humiliate myself into walking away the part where

01:02:50she had laughed

01:02:51release it

01:02:52release it

01:02:52he did not blink

01:02:53all of it

01:02:54all of it

01:02:55to the same outlet that ran the tabloid quote

01:02:57to the same outlet

01:02:59he took out his satellite phone

01:03:01he made one call

01:03:02the call lasted four minutes

01:03:04by dinner

01:03:05the recording was up

01:03:06by midnight

01:03:07it had been picked up by every major outlet that had covered the original audit

01:03:11by the next morning

01:03:12the tabloid that had run the quote had retracted it

01:03:14by the end of the week

01:03:15the publishing house that had originally pulled reagan's book deal

01:03:18had publicly announced that it had also voided her advance contract for any future work

01:03:23reagan's snow did not surface in public again

01:03:25damien did not say anything about it

01:03:27he did not have to

01:03:29he had told me

01:03:30weeks ago

01:03:30that there had never been a moment in our entire acquaintance when i was unprotected

01:03:34i was beginning

01:03:35finally

01:03:36to understand exactly what that had meant

01:03:39i drilled whitfield one the same day the recording went live

01:03:42we had not planned the timing

01:03:43the team had simply gotten to the site in the rotation

01:03:46and the weather had cooperated

01:03:48and briggs had said

01:03:49that morning

01:03:50today is your day

01:03:51damien insisted on coming

01:03:53he had not pressed to be on any other field site with me

01:03:55he had stayed within his cover

01:03:57he had let me work without his shadow on my shoulder

01:03:59on the morning of whitfield one

01:04:01he did not ask permission

01:04:03he came

01:04:04he carried the equipment up the ridge himself

01:04:06even though briggs had two team members ready to do it

01:04:09he stood 10 feet away while i drilled

01:04:11he did not speak

01:04:12i drilled

01:04:13i logged the call

01:04:14i labeled it

01:04:15i stood up

01:04:15i turned to look at him

01:04:16he was watching me the way he had watched me come off the medevac at teeterboro a year

01:04:20before

01:04:21not breathing

01:04:22not blinking

01:04:23counting

01:04:23with his thumb pressed unconsciously to the inside of his own wrist

01:04:27where he had once pressed it to mine

01:04:29damien

01:04:31hmm

01:04:31i am all right

01:04:33i know

01:04:36this is the spot

01:04:38i know

01:04:39this is where i called you

01:04:41this is where you called me

01:04:42he took a step closer

01:04:43he looked down at the snow

01:04:45he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been

01:04:47he looked at the lee of the outcrop where the walls had moved through

01:04:50then he knelt

01:04:51he did not cry

01:04:51he pressed his palm flat to the snow

01:04:53the way a person might press a palm to a grave

01:04:56he stayed there for a long moment

01:04:57when he stood

01:04:58his glove was wet through

01:04:59he took my hand

01:05:00i would like to ask you something

01:05:02ask

01:05:03i would like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me

01:05:06on the anniversary for the rest of our lives

01:05:08not because it was the worst day

01:05:10because it was the day you called me

01:05:12that is the day i want to keep

01:05:13i closed my hand around his

01:05:15every year

01:05:17every year

01:05:18all right

01:05:18briggs

01:05:1920 feet away

01:05:20very politely

01:05:21turned his back to give us privacy

01:05:23we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more minutes

01:05:25when we walked back down the ridge

01:05:26damien did not let go of my hand

01:05:29briggs did not say anything about that either

01:05:31we came home on may 28th

01:05:33he had said

01:05:34the night before we landed

01:05:35that he wanted to be the one who drove me back from the airport

01:05:38he had said it the way he said most things now calmly

01:05:41with the assumption that i would not object

01:05:43i did not object

01:05:44he drove me back from teterboro at 6 a.m.

01:05:48on a tuesday in late spring

01:05:49the apartment

01:05:50when we walked into the foyer

01:05:51had changed

01:05:52the wall of cause the one he had commissioned for me in march was the same

01:05:56the wall of narcissus

01:05:57opposite was the same

01:05:59the piano was the same

01:06:00the library

01:06:01three rooms down

01:06:02was the same

01:06:03the bedroom had changed

01:06:04he had moved his things in

01:06:06his shoes by the door

01:06:07his charcoal pullover folded over the back of the reading chair

01:06:10his book on the bedside table on what had become

01:06:13in the last two months

01:06:14his side

01:06:15sloan

01:06:17damien

01:06:17i am not asking permission

01:06:19i am not asking you to

01:06:20he smiled

01:06:21it was the first full

01:06:22unmanaged smile i had ever seen on his face

01:06:25he set my carry-on down by the door

01:06:27he picked me up

01:06:28i have had a small panic

01:06:29every day

01:06:30for six weeks

01:06:31that you would change your mind on the plane

01:06:33i did not change my mind

01:06:34i know that now

01:06:36damien

01:06:36put me down

01:06:37no

01:06:38i can walk

01:06:40i know

01:06:40he carried me through the foyer

01:06:42past the wall of cause

01:06:43into the bedroom

01:06:44he set me

01:06:45very carefully

01:06:46on the edge of the bed

01:06:47he knelt in front of me

01:06:48he took both my hands

01:06:50he looked up at me for a long moment

01:06:52i would like to ask you the question i told you i was gonna ask you in the winter

01:06:56damien

01:06:57it is may

01:06:58i cannot wait until the winter

01:06:59it's may

01:07:01sloan

01:07:01he reached into his pocket

01:07:03he took out a small velvet box

01:07:05he did not place it on the piano this time

01:07:07he opened it

01:07:08inside

01:07:09on a small bed of pale cream silk

01:07:11was a ring

01:07:12it was not the kind of ring i would have expected

01:07:14not from him

01:07:15not from a man who could have walked into any jeweler in manhattan

01:07:18and chosen any stone in the city

01:07:20it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold

01:07:23set into it

01:07:24almost flush

01:07:25was a single pale yellow sapphire

01:07:27the color of winter narcissus

01:07:29i knew the stone

01:07:30i knew the stone

01:07:31because it had been in my mother's locket

01:07:33the locket she had worn the day she died

01:07:35the locket my father had been keeping in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18 years

01:07:40damien

01:07:41i asked your father six months ago

01:07:44damien

01:07:45he gave it to me with both hands

01:07:47damien

01:07:48sloney whitfield

01:07:50damien

01:07:51i will say it twice if i have to

01:07:54say it

01:07:56i have loved you for a very long time

01:07:59i built a life with one room in it

01:08:01the room had no furniture and no light

01:08:02and one chair facing the door

01:08:04i sat in the chair year after year

01:08:06i sat in it through three engagements i refused

01:08:09i sat in it through your seven years with another man

01:08:11i sat in it through the night your mother died

01:08:14and the night you graduated

01:08:15and the night i painted the wall

01:08:18i sat in it on the afternoon you called me from a mountain in alaska

01:08:21i have not been in that room since the day i picked you up off the floor of that tent

01:08:25the room is gone now sloan the whole house is yours

01:08:29marry me

01:08:30i had thought for months that when this moment came

01:08:33i would say something simple

01:08:35i had thought i would say yes

01:08:37i had thought i would say yes because the word was small and complete

01:08:40and did not need any of the surrounding architecture

01:08:42instead i sat on the edge of his bed

01:08:44in his apartment

01:08:45in front of the wall of cause he had commissioned for me

01:08:48holding my mother's yellow sapphire on its brushed gold band

01:08:51and i started to cry

01:08:52i had not cried since the helicopter

01:08:54i cried now

01:08:55he did not move

01:08:56he did not say a word

01:08:58he let me cry

01:08:59after a long time

01:09:00i said it

01:09:02yes

01:09:03he closed his eyes once he opened them

01:09:05say it again

01:09:07yes

01:09:09again

01:09:11yes damien yes

01:09:13he slid the ring onto my fourth finger

01:09:15above the signet he had given me in the hospital

01:09:17the brushed gold was warm

01:09:19the yellow sapphire caught the morning light coming in off the east river

01:09:22he stayed kneeling

01:09:23he pressed his forehead to my knees

01:09:25i bent forward

01:09:26i rested my forehead against the crown of his head

01:09:29we stayed like that

01:09:30in the bedroom in his apartment

01:09:31for a long time

01:09:32after a while

01:09:33he stood up

01:09:34he picked me up off the edge of the bed

01:09:36he did not

01:09:37this time

01:09:38set me down anywhere

01:09:39he carried me to the south windows

01:09:41he stood there

01:09:42holding me

01:09:43looking out at the city

01:09:44mrs crane

01:09:47damien

01:09:47i am rehearsing

01:09:49rehearse it once more

01:09:52mrs crane

01:09:53yes damien

01:09:54he smiled into my hair

01:09:56he did not put me down for the rest of the morning

01:09:58we were married in november

01:10:00he gave me

01:10:01in the months between

01:10:02the kind of wedding that a man who has been planning a wedding in his head for a long time

01:10:06gives a woman who has been allowing herself to imagine one for 10 weeks

01:10:09which is to say

01:10:10a small wedding

01:10:11i had thought he would want a large one

01:10:13he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan

01:10:16he did not

01:10:17he picked the lake house

01:10:18he picked a saturday in late november

01:10:20when the first snow was due

01:10:21he picked the porch

01:10:23he invited my father

01:10:24three of his cousins

01:10:25garcia

01:10:26briggs

01:10:27finn

01:10:27my two graduate cohort co-investigators

01:10:30the cold weather medic

01:10:31the surgeon who had patched my lung

01:10:33and the national science foundation chair

01:10:35that was the entire guest list

01:10:36his mother was not invited

01:10:38she wrote him a letter the week before the wedding

01:10:40he returned it unopened

01:10:42he did not tell me he had returned it

01:10:44garcia mentioned it

01:10:45in passing on the morning of the wedding

01:10:47the way she mentioned most logistical details

01:10:49i asked him about it that afternoon

01:10:51in the bedroom

01:10:52while i was getting dressed

01:10:53he buttoned his cuff

01:10:55he did not look up

01:10:56damien

01:10:57she asked

01:10:58two months ago

01:10:59if she could attend

01:11:01and

01:11:02i told her she would be welcome

01:11:04the day she apologized to you

01:11:06she did not

01:11:07she did not

01:11:09damien

01:11:11sloan

01:11:13she is your mother

01:11:14she had thirty years to be my mother

01:11:16she used that time to try to take you from me

01:11:18i am not paying her interest on a debt

01:11:20she did not service

01:11:21he buttoned the second cuff

01:11:22when she is ready to apologize to you

01:11:24she may come to dinner

01:11:25until then she may live with what she chose

01:11:28i crossed the room

01:11:29i straightened his tie

01:11:30slowly

01:11:30with both hands

01:11:32damien

01:11:32hmm

01:11:33i love you

01:11:35he caught my hands at his collar

01:11:37he kissed both wrists

01:11:38one after the other

01:11:39mrs crane

01:11:40not yet

01:11:41in 43 minutes

01:11:4243

01:11:43i have been counting since 6 a.m

01:11:45he kissed me on the forehead

01:11:46he turned me toward the door

01:11:48your father is waiting downstairs

01:11:49all right

01:11:50sloan

01:11:51hmm

01:11:51walk slowly

01:11:52why

01:11:53because the next time you walk through a door toward me you are mine

01:11:55i would like to remember every second of it

01:11:57he cried at the ceremony

01:11:59i had not expected him to

01:12:00i had not thought it possible

01:12:02he had been

01:12:03for the entirety of the time i had known him

01:12:05a man who had not visibly cried at a funeral

01:12:08a wedding

01:12:08a court ruling

01:12:09or a press conference

01:12:11he had stood at his father's gravesite

01:12:13and not shed a tear

01:12:14he cried on the porch of the lake house on a saturday in november

01:12:17when he saw me come around the corner of the house in my mother's dress

01:12:20my father saw it first

01:12:21he squeezed my elbow

01:12:23look at him

01:12:24i looked

01:12:25damien was standing at the end of the porch in front of the open front door

01:12:29the brass lock

01:12:30the lock that had held since the house was built was just behind him

01:12:33his hands were clasped in front of him

01:12:35his eyes were closed

01:12:36tears were moving

01:12:37slowly

01:12:38down his cheeks

01:12:39he did not wipe them

01:12:40he opened his eyes when i was three steps away

01:12:43he smiled

01:12:44it was the smile of a man who had been waiting a long time to use it

01:12:47my father set my hand into his

01:12:50damien

01:12:52sir

01:12:52she is yours

01:12:54sir

01:12:55she always was

01:12:56dad smiled

01:12:57he took his seat in the front row

01:12:59the officiant

01:13:00a friend of the family

01:13:01who had married my parents in the same spot long ago said a few words

01:13:05he spoke about commitment

01:13:06he spoke about the longevity of love that has been quietly held

01:13:09he spoke

01:13:10briefly

01:13:11about my mother

01:13:12who had taught him to make soda bread when he was a young man

01:13:14then he said

01:13:15damien

01:13:17your vows

01:13:17damien took both my hands

01:13:19sloan whitfield

01:13:20damien crane

01:13:21i have loved you for a very long time

01:13:23i kept a small notebook

01:13:24the notebook had in it everything i learned about you that nobody else knew

01:13:27the way you held your fork

01:13:28the way you closed a door so it did not click

01:13:31the way you ate the corners of a sandwich first

01:13:33the way you bit your thumb before you took an exam

01:13:35i do not need the notebook anymore

01:13:37the porch was very quiet

01:13:38he went on

01:13:39i am keeping it for our daughter

01:13:41i vow to love you with the precision and the patience of a man who has

01:13:44practiced

01:13:45i vow to defend you the way i have always defended you which is publicly

01:13:48immediately and without negotiation

01:13:50i vow to bring you tea every morning and to play the piano for you every night

01:13:53i vow to come home for dinner

01:13:55every night for the rest of my life

01:13:57i vow to never under any circumstances let you walk out of a room without

01:14:00telling you first that i love you

01:14:02that is what i have for you sloan

01:14:03the rest is yours to ask for

01:14:04i said my vows

01:14:05i do not remember them

01:14:07i remember only that when the officiant said you may kiss the bride

01:14:10damien did not move quickly

01:14:12he moved very slowly

01:14:13he cupped my face the way he had cupped it the day he came up off the floor of

01:14:17the tent in rainbow

01:14:18he kissed me

01:14:19the first snow began

01:14:20on cue

01:14:21behind him

01:14:22we did not have a reception

01:14:24we had dinner

01:14:2512 of us

01:14:26around a long wooden table in the dining room of the lake house

01:14:29with two of my cousins and my father and garcia and briggs and finn and the medic

01:14:33and the surgeon and the national science foundation chair

01:14:35who had brought his wife

01:14:36the food was simple

01:14:38the wine was old

01:14:39the conversation moved

01:14:40the way conversations at lake houses move

01:14:43in slow loops that did not need anywhere to go

01:14:45after dinner

01:14:46damien played the piano

01:14:47he played the eight notes my mother used to hum

01:14:50he played the second eight notes he had written for me alone in his apartment

01:14:53while i had been in alaska drilling whitfield one

01:14:56he played a third set of eight notes i had never heard

01:14:59he stopped after the third set

01:15:00he turned to me

01:15:01that one i wrote this morning

01:15:03when this morning

01:15:054am

01:15:07damien

01:15:08i will write you a new eight notes every morning of our marriage

01:15:12damien

01:15:14i have already started counting

01:15:15around midnight

01:15:16the guests went to bed in the guest rooms upstairs

01:15:18damien took my hand

01:15:19he led me out the front door

01:15:21onto the porch

01:15:22and down the gravel drive to the boathouse at the edge of the lake

01:15:25the boathouse was lit with a single lamp

01:15:27he had had it cleaned

01:15:28he had had a single chair placed inside it

01:15:31by the window facing the water

01:15:32he had hung and i almost laughed when i saw it

01:15:35every single one of the thousand cranes from the apartment library

01:15:38they hung from the ceiling of the boathouse in soft drifts of pale yellow

01:15:42and the lamp lit them from below

01:15:43he stood with me in the doorway

01:15:46sloan

01:15:47damien

01:15:48this is the last thing

01:15:49the last thing

01:15:49every other thing i have done over all this time i have done quietly

01:15:52i have folded a rain

01:15:53i have painted a wall

01:15:54i have learned a piece of music

01:15:55i have bought a building

01:15:56i have built a foundation network

01:15:57i have refused a marriage

01:15:58i did all of it quietly

01:16:00because you were not yet mine

01:16:01this is the last thing i do quietly

01:16:03he turned me to face him

01:16:04from tomorrow i do everything loudly

01:16:05i bring you flowers in front of every restaurant

01:16:07i hold your hand at every board meeting

01:16:09i introduce you

01:16:10at every event in the city

01:16:11as my wife

01:16:11for the rest of my life

01:16:13tell me you understand

01:16:15i understand

01:16:17sloan

01:16:18welcome home

01:16:19he cupped my face in both hands

01:16:21he kissed me slowly

01:16:22the way he had kissed me on the porch

01:16:24and behind him

01:16:25the thousand cranes turned slowly in the draft

01:16:28i had spent seven years thinking my life was a story about being seen by the wrong man

01:16:32it had been

01:16:33all along

01:16:34a story about being held up from underneath by the right one

01:16:37the right one was holding me

01:16:39now

01:16:39in a boathouse at the edge of a lake at midnight in november

01:16:42in front of one thousand paper wishes he had folded for me before he was thirty years old

01:16:46the wish i had folded into the last crane

01:16:49months ago

01:16:50had been that i had not taken so long to see him

01:16:52the wish i made now standing in the doorway

01:16:55was that i would have a lifetime more

01:16:57the end

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