- 8 hours ago
Abandoned on a Snow Mountain, I Became a Tycoon's Obsession
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Short filmTranscript
00:05:25You think you've won?
00:05:28You have money?
00:05:30You have a name?
00:05:31You have him?
00:05:32She tipped her chin at the corner.
00:05:34You spent seven years on Preston Marsh.
00:05:37Seven years.
00:06:08He never looked at you,
00:06:08my money.
00:06:38not at your price not at any price get out she did not move a footstep behind her from the
00:06:45corridor garcia in the doorway two security guards a respectful distance behind sloan
00:06:49you think you've cleaned all of it up she picked up the lilies on her way out wait until the
00:06:53audit
00:06:53drops then ask damien crane what he found the door closed behind her i turned my head toward
00:06:59the corner chair damien was already standing he did not look at me he was looking at the door
00:07:03reagan had just walked through his jaw was set in a way i had not seen since the tent in
00:07:07wrangle
00:07:08he turned to me the look i caught the first time was a man assessing exactly how angry he should
00:07:12let himself become damien sat back down on the edge of the bed he took his time he did not
00:07:16rush he laced
00:07:17his fingers across his knee he breathed in once deeply the way i had seen him do at family dinners
00:07:21when his mother said something cruel and he chose not to make it a war sloan she has mastered clues
00:07:25that we do not know that's right it's related to auditing about the audit i waited he was choosing
00:07:32his word i was going to wait until tomorrow to bring this up the audit is not finished the number
00:07:37is not final how bad six million unaccounted for is the floor not the ceiling six million dollars was
00:07:44not a clerical error six million dollars was a pattern six million through what a shell company
00:07:52registered in delaware address goes to a peepo box the signatory is a name i'm running down
00:07:57the wire pattern matches equipment vendor payments diving rigs that never arrived drill bits that were
00:08:03never installed travel reimbursements for trips no one took for seven years for at least the last
00:08:10four i closed my eyes the money had never mattered my family had given the foundation more in any
00:08:16single year than what preston had pocket in four what mattered was the shape of it the shape was he
00:08:21had been planning this since at least four years ago since the year he and i had taken a sabbatical
00:08:26month to iceland together the year he had asked me to marry him and then walked it back the same
00:08:31evening because it wasn't the right time
00:08:37damien
00:08:39i opened my eyes what does reagan have that we don't
00:08:45her name on a wire two of them so far
00:08:53she's not the graduate studies she's been pretending to be damien laid it out on the rolling
00:08:57tray table at my elbow two wire transferals both routed through the same delaware shell both signed
00:09:01at the receiving end by our snow the amounts were not enormous 84 000 112 000 both wired in the
00:09:07last
00:09:0714 months both dated to weeks reagan had been listed on preston's expedition minused as a junior
00:09:11researcher 84 000 for what equipment line item a piece of sonar gear that was never delivered
00:09:17she's 26 she's 26 on paper her undergrad was an internship at a foundation in connecticut
00:09:24whose director sat on three of preston's grant review panels
00:09:28she wasn't his accident she was his hire
00:09:31she was his hire
00:09:36how long have you known
00:09:39since the second wire cleared
00:09:42four months
00:09:46i was building i needed the chain to be unbreakable
00:09:50if you'd come to me sooner i'd have moved sooner
00:09:56i didn't know to come to you
00:09:58i know
00:09:59a nurse pushed open the door look at my face looked at the tray of documents looked at damon and
00:10:03quietly
00:10:03backed out damon picked up a fresh sheet from the bottom of the stack he turned it so i could
00:10:07see it was a screen grab of a private social media account locked one of two followers the
00:10:10western handle of a core counts the hand was not mine the post was dated two years before reagan
00:10:15had supposedly emailed preston out of the bluers the pin post was a photograph of preston
00:10:18in cross and shoe seat or hand invencible the wound throbbed once i let it
00:10:23damien
00:10:26she's been with him for
00:10:27at minimum three years
00:10:32three years
00:10:33three years was an entire fellowship cycle
00:10:35three years was a lab move
00:10:37three years was every conference where preston had told me he was too overwhelmed to bring me as a guest
00:10:42three years was the time during which i had been planning a wedding in my head
00:10:45while writing his grants in my hand
00:10:47i picked the photograph back up
00:10:49the hand on preston's cheek had a small mark at the wrist
00:10:52the same shape as a beauty mark reagan had
00:10:54very pale almost invisible against her skin i had once told her that mark was lovely
00:11:00she had told me she hated it
00:11:05how long until the audit drops
00:11:08friday three days
00:11:10how long until the criminal complaint files
00:11:14riley pope has already been brought in for questioning by the u.s attorney's office
00:11:17preston
00:11:18he'll be charged tuesday federal jurisdiction the beacon falls under interstate field safety regulations
00:11:23reagan reagan is more delicate the wires are evidence of fraud the relationship is evidence of motive
00:11:27the recording is evidence of intent but she'll lawyer up fast i expect her to flip on preston by the
00:11:32end of next week
00:11:32and the academic side
00:11:34marsh's ethics committee convenes wednesday at his university
00:11:37we are providing the audit the recording and the wires outcome is predictable
00:11:41he'll be stripped of his appointment his doctoral supervision rights his five most recent publications and the federal grant he
00:11:46was about to sign
00:11:48reeves
00:11:49damie did not blink
00:11:50reeves has known about the embezzlement for at least two years
00:11:53i closed my eyes
00:11:55he nominated you for the independent fellowship in part to diffuse internal questions about who your name kept appearing on
00:12:00the foundation paperwork and never on the bylines
00:12:02that's why he called me
00:12:04that's why
00:12:04a door opened
00:12:05i opened my eyes
00:12:06my father was standing in the doorway
00:12:08eyes red
00:12:09coats till on
00:12:10the wrinkles on his face deeper than i remembered
00:12:11you
00:12:12damien stood up
00:12:13he stopped two feet from damien and put both hands on damien's shoulders
00:12:15he did not look at me as he passed thank you
00:12:17my father had not cried in front of me since my mother's funeral
00:12:21he did not cry now
00:12:22exactly
00:12:22but he sat on the edge of my bed
00:12:24and held my left hand the one with damien's signet still on the forefinger
00:12:27and he did not let go for a long time
00:12:29don't talk
00:12:30he held my hand
00:12:31i have to
00:12:32sloan
00:12:32don't talk
00:12:33he looked at the signet
00:12:34he looked at damien standing very still by the window
00:12:37how long
00:12:3920 years sir
00:12:41i know that
00:12:42i mean the ring
00:12:44five days
00:12:45dad nodded once
00:12:46slow
00:12:53the pierces boy
00:12:55the one who used to follow sloan around the orchard at thanksgiving
00:12:58and pretend he didn't care if she shared her dessert
00:13:02yes sir
00:13:03dad almost smiled
00:13:04i told your father at the time
00:13:06told him what sir
00:13:08that you were going to be the kind of man
00:13:10who ran out of things to fear by the age of 30
00:13:17he didn't believe me
00:13:19he was wrong
00:13:22sweetheart
00:13:25the foundation is mine again
00:13:28as of this morning
00:13:29the board approved a clean break from the marsh laboratory and all of his ongoing projects
00:13:36the audit will be public when it drops
00:13:39your name will be cleared as of friday morning
00:13:42the donor wall in cambridge will be re-engraved with your sole credit on the whitfield climate initiative
00:13:49dad that's
00:13:50that's seven years of your life sloan
00:13:52not a favor
00:13:53he pressed my hand
00:13:55he stood up
00:13:56he kissed my forehead the way he had when i was a child home from school with strep
00:14:03i'm gonna step outside and let you rest
00:14:05i'll be in the hall
00:14:06i'll be in the hall
00:14:07he looked at damien
00:14:08crane
00:14:09sir
00:14:10when she's better
00:14:12we talk
00:14:15yes sir
00:14:18the door closed
00:14:22i looked at damien
00:14:23i had known him for a long time
00:14:26he gave you permission
00:14:27he sat back down on the edge of the bed
00:14:30he didn't have to
00:14:31i never asked him for any
00:14:36but yes
00:14:37he did
00:14:40i'll wait until you're ready
00:14:43for what
00:14:44he almost smiled
00:14:46not quite
00:14:47everything
00:15:00friday morning
00:15:01the audit dropped
00:15:01it hit the internet at 6 a.m. eastern
00:15:04a leak coordinated
00:15:05presumably
00:15:05by damien's communications team went to a science investigative reporter at a respected outlet
00:15:10by 8
00:15:11the headline had been picked up by every major u.s. paper
00:15:14by 10
00:15:15the hashtag was trending
00:15:16garcia walked into my room with a tablet and a tray of fresh squeezed orange juice
00:15:20216 articles since 6
00:15:23she tapped the screen
00:15:26glaciatology star falls in whitefield foundation fraud probe inside the regulin cover
00:15:31up
00:15:31i scrolled photographs of preston photographs of the rangel camp a still from the radio archive
00:15:36showing the time stamp on preston's order to disable my beacon a photograph of the equipment
00:15:41crate i had spent the night inside with claw marks down the side taken by a federal
00:15:46investigator the morning after my evacuation the comments were brutal if this is what academic
00:15:51excellence looks like this man let his girlfriend bleed in the snow for a grant
00:15:55the deputy who turned off her beacon should be in handcuffs by lunch
00:15:59i scrolled until i found reagan
00:16:01she had preempted the audit
00:16:04sloane whitfield could have died
00:16:06cry harder
00:16:08i closed the tablet
00:16:10how is preston taking it
00:16:11he has not been seen leaving his apartment
00:16:13the university has placed him on administrative leave pending wednesday's hearing
00:16:16riley pope has been charged
00:16:18he pleaded out
00:16:1918 months federal with cooperation
00:16:21reagan snow's lawyer issued a statement at 7 a.m. claiming she will fully co-op
00:16:25reeves
00:16:25dr reeves announced his retirement at 6 30 effective immediately the university accepted within the hour
00:16:31i exhaled
00:16:32the wound did not mind anymore
00:16:34in a meeting
00:16:35he'll be back at noon
00:16:37he left this for you
00:16:37she slid a small white card onto the tray
00:16:40i picked it up
00:16:41by saturday i was sitting upright in a chair by the window
00:16:44by sunday i was walking the corridor twice a day with a nurse at my elbow
00:16:48by monday they had moved me out of the icu and into a regular suite on the 14th floor
00:16:53where the view stretched all the way down across the east river
00:16:56the flowers had started arriving friday afternoon and had not stopped
00:16:59the first arrangement was from my graduate school cohort
00:17:02the second from the foundation board
00:17:04the third and this one had made me sit up from the chair of the national science foundation
00:17:08who had written a personal note saying he had been appalled
00:17:10and that i should consider when i was well enough picking up the principal investigator role on the project
00:17:15that had been preston's
00:17:16the fourth came with no card
00:17:18you're upright
00:17:20i'm upright
00:17:22how does it feel
00:17:23like i have a hole in my chest but a much smaller one than yesterday
00:17:26he almost smiled
00:17:28from you
00:17:32narcissus
00:17:33from the lake house
00:17:38damien
00:17:38he met my eyes
00:17:41how long
00:17:44the flower
00:17:46since you were 12
00:17:48not the flower
00:17:49he sat on the edge of the bed
00:17:50i sat with that
00:17:51sloan
00:17:5220 years
00:17:52i was 29
00:17:5320 years
00:17:54that meant when i had cried to him about my freshman year boyfriend at 16 he had already known
00:17:58that meant every time
00:17:59over the long stretch of years
00:18:00he had appeared at the edge of my life with the precise timing of a person who was paying very
00:18:04close attention
00:18:05without ever announcing himself
00:18:06i looked at the signet on my left hand
00:18:10damien
00:18:16why didn't you ever say
00:18:18damien took a long time to answer
00:18:19the light from the window had begun to thin
00:18:22the kind of new york winter dusk that turns everything blue
00:18:25when you were 12 you were 12 there was nothing to say
00:18:29when you were 16 you were dating that boy
00:18:31you were happy there was nothing to say
00:18:33when you were 19 you came home from college and told me you'd met a graduate student named
00:18:38preston marsh
00:18:40you want to know what i thought of him
00:18:44i told you he was fine
00:18:45you told me he was fine
00:18:48he wasn't fine
00:18:49i knew he wasn't fine
00:18:52but you wanted permission you were not asking me what i thought of him
00:18:58you were asking me to bless what you had already decided
00:19:01you blessed it anyway
00:19:04i blessed it anyway
00:19:05why
00:19:06he looked down at his hands
00:19:08because if i'd said no you have done it anyway and i would have lost you for the next decade
00:19:12instead of being able to sit across a holiday table from you twice a year
00:19:16i made a calculation
00:19:18the calculation was wrong
00:19:20he looked up
00:19:22i would have made a different one
00:19:24if i had known
00:19:26known what
00:19:27that he would put a hole in your chest
00:19:29the room held the sentence
00:19:30i felt the wound stir
00:19:32it did not hurt the same way anymore
00:19:33it hurt differently
00:19:34like something was being said through it
00:19:36and not done to it
00:19:38it wasn't his hole
00:19:39it was an ice shard
00:19:40it was his hole
00:19:41he left you with it
00:19:43he turned off your beacon
00:19:45he drove away
00:19:46he did not soften the statement
00:19:47the shape of the wound is ice full
00:19:49and you crossed the country
00:19:51the cause of the wound is preston marsh
00:19:53i would have crossed any country
00:19:58damien
00:19:58he did not look away
00:20:04i'm not gonna forgive him
00:20:06i know
00:20:07i'm not gonna take him back
00:20:09i know
00:20:11i am however
00:20:13going to need a minute
00:20:19i've spent a lifetime waiting for you
00:20:21take all the time you need
00:20:26he stood
00:20:27he bent forward
00:20:28his lips brushed my forehead
00:20:29light
00:20:29the way an older brother might
00:20:30the way a person who had been disciplined about a feeling for a very long time might
00:20:34when the door was finally cracked open
00:20:35i have a meeting at 7
00:20:37i'll be back at 9
00:20:38damien
00:20:41don't be late
00:20:42he almost smiled
00:20:44he left
00:20:45the narcissist on the windowsill held their pale yellow in the blue light
00:20:50tuesday afternoon
00:20:51preston was arraigned
00:20:52i did not watch the live stream
00:20:53gossier told me about it after the fact
00:20:56sitting in the chair by my bed with her tablet face down on her knee
00:20:59she summarized in her efficient
00:21:01neutral voice the same voice she used to read me the morning's flower deliveries
00:21:05preston had been processed through the federal courthouse in lower manhattan
00:21:09the charges were read loud
00:21:10federal embezzlement and wire fraud
00:21:13knowingly dissaying a fellow team member's emergency equipment in a hazardous environment
00:21:18and falsification of federal grant documentation
00:21:31his bail had been set at one million dollars
00:21:34his attorney had argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:37the prosecution had pointed to the whitfield foundation audit
00:21:40and to a passport that
00:21:42on inspection
00:21:43contained a sealed visa for a country with no extradition treaty
00:21:46his bail was set at one million dollars
00:21:49his attorney argued he was not a flight risk
00:21:51the prosecution pointed to the audit
00:21:54and to a passport with a visa for a country with no extradition treaty
00:21:58bail remained at one million dollars
00:22:00his passport was revoked
00:22:02how did he look
00:22:04smaller
00:22:05smaller
00:22:06at faculty fundraisers he carried himself like a man waiting to be the smartest in any room
00:22:11today he carried himself like a man waiting to be told what to do
00:22:15she set the tablet on the bedside table
00:22:17mr crane wants me to tell you
00:22:18wednesday's ethics committee hearing has been moved to 10 a.m
00:22:22the university requested that you attend by video link
00:22:24you may decline
00:22:26i'll attend
00:22:28mr crane suspected you would
00:22:32she rose
00:22:32is there anything else miss whitfield
00:22:34one thing
00:22:37reagan
00:22:38she has not been arraigned
00:22:40the u.s attorney's office is finalizing terms
00:22:42she will testify against preston and dr reeves
00:22:45she will not be testifying against you
00:22:47she will likely receive limited immunity on the fraud charges
00:22:50a deferred prosecution agreement
00:22:52community service and a permanent bar from federally funded research
00:22:55she still has her social media
00:22:57she still has her social media the court cannot regulate that
00:23:01that's fine
00:23:03let her have it
00:23:04mr crane will be displeased
00:23:06mr crane will live
00:23:08garcia paused
00:23:09halfway to the door
00:23:11garcia tilted her head a fraction
00:23:12she almost laughed
00:23:13she left
00:23:14i lay back against the pillows and watched the narcissist tilt slowly toward the late afternoon sun
00:23:19wednesday morning
00:23:2010 a.m garcia rolled in a portable monitor on a tray and angled it toward the bed
00:23:24the ethics committee at preston's university convened on screen seven chairs around a heavy wood table in a panelled room
00:23:30i had been inside
00:23:30once during my own thesis defense when reeves had introduced me as one of his students
00:23:35reeves was not at the table today
00:23:37he had retired friday morning
00:23:38the chair of the committee
00:23:39a tall woman in her 60s whose hair was twisted into a low knot
00:23:43opened the proceedings
00:23:45mr marsh do you have anything to say before we begin
00:23:48preston rose from his seat at the foot of the table
00:23:50he had aged a decade and five days
00:23:52the polished hair was unkempt
00:23:54the pressed shirt was open at the collar without a tie
00:23:57i do
00:23:57his voice was flatter than i had ever heard it
00:24:00whatever the committee decides i accept
00:24:03i acknowledge the irregularities in the funding records of the regling expedition
00:24:09i acknowledge the irregularities in the authorship history of the manuscripts under review
00:24:15on the day of the avalanche i did not handle the evacuation of my team as i should have
00:24:20the chair did not soften
00:24:21i accept the consequences of those choices
00:24:24the committee has reviewed the audit the field radio archive the wire records and the personal contribution log of sloan
00:24:31whitstone
00:24:31the committee has also reviewed the statement obtained this morning under cooperation agreement from riley pope
00:24:39do you acknowledge that you transmitted a radio instruction to disable sloan whitfile's emergency locator
00:24:47the room is very still
00:24:51i do
00:24:55at the time you transmitted that instruction were you aware that sloan whitston was injured
00:25:00and at the edge of the camp perimeter
00:25:06i do
00:25:09mr marsh
00:25:10the committee finds the following
00:25:12you have engaged in academic misconduct of the most serious kind
00:25:18your conduct on the day of the avalanche
00:25:21endangered the life of a fellow expedition member
00:25:24the body of work submitted under your sole authorship for the past four years
00:25:29contains substantial material taken from the unpublished work of sloan whitnick
00:25:33without consent or attribution
00:25:39the committee recommends that your tenure be revoked
00:25:42your doctoral supervision rights be terminated and the five most recent publications under your name be retracted
00:25:47you be permanently barred from holding any federally funded academic appointment
00:25:51the regolith climate proxies grant should be revoked and the funds returned
00:25:54do you wish to respond
00:25:56do you wish to respond
00:26:24it's done
00:26:27it's done
00:26:30it's done
00:26:43it's done
00:26:46marsh i had told garcia he said he doesn't expect you to say yes
00:26:51let him up
00:26:51that i would receive him i had thought about it carefully
00:26:54i had thought about it the way damien thought about a chain of evidence not for spite not for
00:26:58forgiveness but to close the circuit i had spent seven years inside that circuit i needed to walk out
00:27:03under my own power damien was in a meeting on the other side of town
00:27:07i had not told him i had agreed to this i had not told him i had not agreed to
00:27:11this
00:27:11either the door opened preston stood in the doorway he did not come in he looked exactly as he had
00:27:16on
00:27:16the video feed except smaller somehow in person the way garcia had said the charcoal suit replaced
00:27:21by jeans and a sweater that did not fit him quite right the glass is askew
00:27:33sloan get up i won't i'm not asking he stayed where he was i came to apologize
00:27:43he breathed in once at once
00:27:46i owe you an apology i cannot make in two pages i wrote it badly
00:27:52every grant every piece of equipment every late night
00:27:59i knew i always knew i told myself a story about it that let me sleep
00:28:05and the night of the avalanche i told riley to turn off the beacon
00:28:12i told myself the whitfields would send a plane
00:28:15i told myself you would always have a way out
00:28:20that's what i told myself so leaving you in the snow had no consequence
00:28:33that's what i told myself that's what i told myself the room held it i let it hold
00:28:49preston he looked up get off the floor
00:28:55i won't you will because this is my room in my hospital in my city and i'm telling you to
00:29:02he got
00:29:03off the floor he stood near the foot of my bed three things hands at his sides head still bowed
00:29:08one i am not retracting any of the charges the federal case will proceed your career will not
00:29:15survive it that is not negotiable i haven't two i will not be writing a victim impact statement that
00:29:25asks the court for leniency i will be writing one that asks the court to apply the full weight of
00:29:31the
00:29:31statute you are free to write your own you are free to ask dr revils to write his own understood
00:29:38three
00:29:41i looked at him for a long time he had once been a man i would have crossed any distance
00:29:46to please
00:29:47there had been a year possibly two when i had organized my entire life around the question of
00:29:52what preston would think i looked at him now and i felt nothing not contempt not pity not love not
00:29:58even
00:29:58anger a clean nothing the way you might look at a coat you wore through college hanging in the back
00:30:03of a closet and feel surprised that you had ever fit into it i do not accept it
00:30:17not because it isn't sincere today it might be i think it might be what i have learned
00:30:24in seven years of you is that your sincerity is a renewable resource it comes back every time
00:30:31the consequences arrive it always sound the same it always asks the same thing which is for me to
00:30:38absorb the cost i'm done absorbing the cost you will live with what you did
00:30:48i will not be helping you live with it for a moment i thought he might say something more some
00:30:53version of the speech refine now to its purest form that he had been delivering to me in fragments for
00:30:58seven years he didn't he closed his eyes once he opened them i understand he walked to the door in
00:31:04the doorway he paused he did not look back sloan yes be happy
00:31:13the door closed behind him i sat alone in the hospital suite with the late afternoon light
00:31:18moving slowly across the floor i waited to feel something after a long time i noticed what i felt
00:31:23was the absence of something a weight i had been carrying since the year i was 22.
00:31:28for seven years i carried that weight i turned my life into a project just to be seen
00:31:34i piled up my efforts as evidence but i don't need to be seen by him anymore
00:31:42when i had decided that the rest of my life was going to be a project of making one specific
00:31:47man
00:31:47see me it was no longer there i picked up my phone i texted damien come back when you can
00:31:53he answered within 10 seconds on my way damien did not knock the door to my hospital suite opened 12
00:32:01minutes after preston walked out of it and damien stood in the doorway with snow still melting on his
00:32:06shoulders he did not look at me first he looked at the chair where preston had been kneeling he looked
00:32:10at the spot on the carpet where preston's knees had pressed two indentations he looked at the trace
00:32:15of cologne preston's faint civilians still hanging in the air he crossed the room in five strides
00:32:36his thumbs moved across my cheekbones my temples the line of my jaw checking the way a person checks
00:32:43a child after they have fallen i should not have left this morning i asked garcia to let him up
00:32:56i know she called me on the drive back i broke three traffic laws damien i would have broken 30
00:33:10look at me
00:33:19i had not in all the time i had known him seen damien crane afraid of anything not his father
00:33:26not his mother not a boardroom not a press conference not the leverage held over him by half of manhattan
00:33:34he was afraid now he was afraid that i had spent 12 minutes in a room with the man i
00:33:39had loved for
00:33:39seven years and that 12 minutes was all it took for me to forgive him i told him no i
00:33:48know i told him to
00:33:50leave i know i am not going back to him he closed his eyes he pressed his forehead to mine
00:34:00he stayed there
00:34:01breathing for a long time
00:34:08sloan
00:34:11i am about to be very selfish
00:34:14be selfish
00:34:17i do not want to leave this room again
00:34:20then don't
00:34:23he did not
00:34:34he did not sleep that night the chair he pulled up to my bed was leather and too small
00:34:40he folded himself into it anyway he held my left hand inside both of his and watched the heart
00:34:45monitor as if it might lie if he looked away sometime around 3 a.m i pretended to be asleep
00:34:51just to see what he would do he stood up he walked to the window he looked out at the
00:34:56east
00:34:57river for 10 minutes he turned back he stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise
00:35:02and
00:35:02fall counting with the precision of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac then he came
00:35:07back
00:35:08to the chair he leaned in he pressed his lips very lightly to the inside of my wrist where the
00:35:13ivy line
00:35:14went in he whispered into my skin
00:35:30i am sorry i did not come sooner
00:35:36when
00:35:40you were awake
00:35:42sooner when damien
00:35:48eight years ago
00:35:50when
00:35:51the night you came home from grad school for the holiday
00:35:54you laughed at something preston said about a sample i had never heard of
00:35:58i went home and painted 700 nassaville on a wall and decided i would wait
00:36:06i should have come for you that night
00:36:09damien
00:36:11i would have if i had known how it would end
00:36:14he looked at the signet on my fourth finger
00:36:18i bought this a long time ago
00:36:21this ring
00:36:22this ring
00:36:25for me
00:36:26for the day i stopped waiting
00:36:30i waited far longer than i should have
00:36:32i am not waiting an hour longer than i have to
00:36:36damien
00:36:39what are you telling me
00:36:40he met my eyes
00:36:47i am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise
00:36:50when you walk out of this hospital you walk into my house
00:36:59and you do not walk out of it again unless i am holding the door
00:37:05the next person who tries to take you from me will spend the rest of his life regretting it
00:37:10the rest of my life
00:37:27good
00:37:35discharge day
00:37:36damien did not let a nurse touch me
00:37:38he sent the wheelchair away
00:37:40he sent the orderly away
00:37:42he scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees and one behind my shoulders and carried
00:37:46me
00:37:47slowly the length of the corridor to the elevator
00:37:50i had walked
00:37:51by then
00:37:52the length of that corridor on my own three times
00:37:55i did not need to be carried
00:37:56i did not object
00:37:58the elevator opened in the underground garage
00:38:01a black idled
00:38:02he set me down only long enough to open the door
00:38:04and then he lifted me again into the back seat
00:38:07as if the act of placing me there himself was something he could not delegate
00:38:10garcia
00:38:10in the front passenger's seat
00:38:12did not turn around
00:38:14the pulled out
00:38:15damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown
00:38:28i bought the building
00:38:31which building
00:38:32my building
00:38:33i own the penthouse i bought the rest of it last month
00:38:36all of it
00:38:36all of it
00:38:37all of it
00:38:39why
00:38:41i did not want strangers across a wall from you
00:38:46damien
00:38:50the other residents have been compensated above market
00:38:53they had 90 days to relocate
00:38:55the last unit cleared on friday
00:38:57the building is empty except for the staff i vetted
00:39:01and the floor i am going to put your father on if he wants it
00:39:04my father has a house
00:39:06he has a house
00:39:07he may also have the eighth floor
00:39:10damien
00:39:11you are being excessive
00:39:14i am told i am being excessive
00:39:17he brought my hand to his mouth
00:39:20tell me to stop
00:39:21i am not telling you to stop
00:39:24i can't bear to
00:39:26the pulled into the garage
00:39:31he carried me into the elevator
00:39:33the doors opened directly into his foyer
00:39:36into the wall of painted narcissus
00:39:38and he set me down in front of it
00:39:46look look
00:39:47i looked
00:39:48a second wall
00:39:49opposite the first
00:39:51had been painted in my absence
00:39:53cause
00:39:54the shapes of ice cores
00:39:5537 of them
00:39:57one for every site i had drilled in seven years
00:39:59labeled in white paint in my own handwriting
00:40:01which had been copied
00:40:03line for line
00:40:04from photographs of the field journal reagan had stolen
00:40:08i could not speak
00:40:16i commissioned it in march
00:40:18the artist worked from your notebooks
00:40:19i had the originals returned from the federal evidence locker on a temporary basis
00:40:23they are now back in the locker
00:40:26damien
00:40:27the paintings are yours
00:40:29welcome home sloane
00:40:31the first week in his apartment
00:40:32i learned how he had been loving me for a long time
00:40:35i learned it in small pieces
00:40:36the way a person learns the contents of a house they have moved into without a tour
00:40:40a bookshelf in the library held every paper i had ever published even the undergraduate ones
00:40:45even the conference posters bound in matching cloth
00:40:47and arranged in chronological order
00:40:49a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's recipe for soda bread
00:40:53hand copied from her handwriting onto a card he had laminated
00:40:56a folder in his study
00:40:57kept in a drawer he did not lock
00:40:59contained years of photographs of me
00:41:01clipped from family christmas cards and university newsletters
00:41:04and the society pages
00:41:06i found the folder
00:41:07on the sixth day
00:41:08i did not tell him i had found it
00:41:10i sat on the floor of his study and turned through the photographs in order
00:41:13and at the back of the folder i found a single envelope
00:41:16sealed addressed to me in his handwriting and dated a long time ago
00:41:20i almost opened it i did not
00:41:22i left it where it was
00:41:23that night at dinner i asked him
00:41:25the letter in the back of the folder
00:41:27he set his fork down
00:41:28he did not pretend to misunderstand
00:41:30you found it
00:41:32what is it
00:41:34it is what i would have said to you that night if i had come for you instead of painting
00:41:37the wall
00:41:38you kept it
00:41:41i kept everything
00:41:42damien
00:41:43i have kept the napkin you wrote your phone number on when you were 11.
00:41:46i have kept the wrapper of the chocolate you split with me at your sister's christensen
00:41:49i have kept the program of every recital your mother dragged us to
00:41:52i have kept the cockscrew you used to open the wine at your graduation dinner
00:41:55i have kept the boarding pass you gave me when you came back from iceland the year you turned 23
00:42:00and asked if i would pick you up from jf because your boyfriend had forgotten
00:42:04he met my eyes
00:42:06i have kept all of it because i had to keep something
00:42:08i set my fork down too
00:42:10how many marriages did your mother arrange for you
00:42:13three
00:42:15you refused all three
00:42:16i refused all three
00:42:19for me
00:42:20sloan
00:42:22everything i have ever refused i refused for you
00:42:24his mother came on tuesday she had not in the seven years i dated preston sent me so much as
00:42:30a
00:42:30holiday card she came now with a bouquet of pale pink peonies and a smile that did not reach her
00:42:35eyes and she sat across from me in damien's living room with the careful posture of a woman
00:42:40conducting a negotiation she expected to win damien stood by the window he did not sit he did not greet
00:42:46his mother sloan and dear i came to welcome you mrs crane i imagine all of this has been very
00:42:51overwhelming the hospital the press my son's enthusiasm his enthusiasm he has always been
00:42:57intense particularly about the things he has wanted for a long time i wonder if you have considered
00:43:02my dear whether intensity about this stage in your recovery is perhaps what you need by the window
00:43:07damien turned he did not raise his voice mother damien you have 10 seconds to walk out of this
00:43:15apartment damien i am only eight seconds you will not speak to me six seconds the peonies untouched
00:43:25on the coffee table trembled with the vibration of the elevator returning to the foyer she rose
00:43:29she gathered her coat she looked at me with the same smile pulled tight across her face my dear when
00:43:35this novelty passes two seconds she left the elevator doors closed damien did not move for a long moment
00:43:41then he crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair where i was sitting he took both my
00:43:46hands
00:43:48sloan damien my mother will not be in this apartment again damien she's your mother my mother spent a
00:43:53long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard enough she introduced me to 14 women whose
00:43:57family's my last name she told my father at one point that i was an embarrassment to the family for
00:44:01refusing to marry she does not get to walk in here now and call you a novelty there is no
00:44:05version of
00:44:06this where you are second to anyone sloan not my mother not the company not the past he pressed my
00:44:13knuckles to his mouth not for the rest of my life he visited preston in prison on a wednesday i
00:44:20did not
00:44:20know he had gone until he came home and sat across from me at the kitchen island and poured himself
00:44:25a
00:44:25glass of whiskey and told me i went to see marsh today damien i had to why i wanted him
00:44:34to see my face
00:44:35he turned the glass in his fingers he has been telling himself since the hearing that what
00:44:40happened to him was the system that the audit broke him that the federal prosecutor broke him
00:44:45that the press broke him i wanted him to know it was a man what did you say to him
00:44:50i sat across a
00:44:53steel table from her 14 minutes i didn't speak for the first 10 he waited he was the one who
00:44:57broke
00:44:57he asked me what i wanted i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what he had done
00:45:02that he had touched a woman i had loved for a long time that he had taken seven years of
00:45:06her
00:45:06life and gambled them on a press release that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her
00:45:11family would clean it up i told him that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to
00:45:15understand was that there had never been a moment in all the time he had known her when she was
00:45:18unprotected i told him that he was alive only because you had asked me not to make a different
00:45:22decision he drank he cried damien i did not enjoy it did you not he set down the glass i
00:45:32enjoyed every
00:45:33second of it i'm not going to pretend otherwise i sat across from a man who had hurt you and
00:45:37i watched
00:45:37him understand for the first time that he had been a small animal stepping on the tail of a much
00:45:42larger
00:45:42one he came around the island he stopped in front of me he cupped the back of my neck the
00:45:47way he had
00:45:47cupped my skull in the tent that is what i am sloan with respect to you i am the much
00:45:54larger animal
00:45:55i will be that animal for the rest of your life for any person who looks at you sideways i
00:45:59am not
00:45:59going to pretend to be a different one tell me you understand i understand he pressed his forehead to
00:46:06mine good reagan called the apartment on a thursday she had been told by every lawyer involved
00:46:13not to the no contact clause was in effect she called anyway through the main line of crane industries
00:46:19asking to be put through to me by name the receptionist forwarded the call to garcia
00:46:23garcia forwarded it to damien damien answered on speaker in front of me at the kitchen island
00:46:30miss snow master crane i am calling because you are calling because your book deal collapsed your
00:46:38father's foundation has been quietly delisted from three donor circles in the last six weeks
00:46:42your fiance's family has rescinded the engagement your apartment lease is not being renewed
00:46:48and you have correctly disduced that all of this is connected silence it is connected mr crane
00:46:54i would like you to listen to me very carefully miss snow the reason your life is currently
00:46:59coming apart is not because i am vindictive i am perfectly capable of vindictiveness i have not
00:47:04yet been vindictive with you the reason your life is coming apart is because the woman whose career
00:47:09you tried to take whose data you stole and whose recording i played in front of you in a tent
00:47:13at
00:47:13minus 31 asked me three months ago to leave you alone i have honored that request
00:47:20i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to honor it
00:47:25it turns out there are a great number of those people they are removing you on their own from the
00:47:31rooms they control the book editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloane's
00:47:35the donor coordinator at your father's foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago your
00:47:38fiance's mother has been on the board of the whitfield climate initiative since 2011 they are not
00:47:44retaliating the snow they are simply choosing mr crane please i am not the one you should be asking
00:47:50miss snow he ended the call he set down the phone he looked at me she will call again she
00:47:56will eventually
00:47:57call you she might i would like permission when she does to make a small adjustment to her
00:48:03circumstances what adjustment a federal investigation currently dormant into the source of the wire that
00:48:08funded her original internship damian i will only act if you tell me to i looked at him for a
00:48:14long
00:48:14moment i did not tell him to i also did not tell him not to he read my face he
00:48:19nodded once he poured
00:48:20me a cup of tea the nights were the hardest i had not in seven years with preston slept poorly
00:48:27i had slept
00:48:28on his couches and in his tents and across his shoulders on long flights and i had slept the way
00:48:33a person who believed in the structure of her life slept the structure was gone now the nights showed
00:48:38it i did not tell damian he noticed anyway he noticed on the fourth night when he came up to
00:48:43bring me a book i had asked for and found me sitting on the couch by the south windows with
00:48:48the
00:48:48lights off he set the book down he sat next to me he did not ask he simply pulled me
00:48:54carefully
00:48:55against his shoulder and we sat that way until the city lights began to thin toward dawn on the
00:49:00fifth night he came up at 10 on the sixth night he came up at nine on the seventh night
00:49:05he stayed he
00:49:07did not ask permission he came up with a small leather bag and a book and the smallest most contained
00:49:12smile i had ever seen on his face and he said sloan i am gonna sleep in the second bedroom
00:49:18the door
00:49:18will be open if you need me you say my name you do not have to get up you do
00:49:23not have to ring a
00:49:23bell you say my name and i will be in the room in under three seconds damien i am not
00:49:29asking for
00:49:30anything i know i am telling you that for the rest of your life if you say my name in
00:49:37the dark
00:49:37i will be there in under three seconds he kissed my forehead he went into the second bedroom he left
00:49:44the door open i lay in my own bed for the first hour i listened to the sounds of him
00:49:48in the next room
00:49:49the small zipper of the leather bag the click of a lamp the soft rustle of a turn page at
00:49:5411 30 the
00:49:55page turning stopped he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest i got up i crossed the hallway
00:50:01i
00:50:01stood in the doorway of the second bedroom and watched him sleep a man in a charcoal pullover
00:50:06and reading glasses in a guest bed in his own house lit by a single lamp he had been waiting
00:50:11a
00:50:11long time to sleep in the same hallway as me i went back to my room i left both doors
00:50:16open i slept the
00:50:17whole night through he gave me the cranes on a sunday i had told him two weeks earlier in the
00:50:23way a person tells a story that no longer matters that as a child i had folded a wish into
00:50:27a paper
00:50:28crane and put it in a jar on my bedroom windowsill the wish had been for my mother to get
00:50:32well my
00:50:33mother had not gotten well i had stopped folding cranes he had said nothing at the time he had simply
00:50:38nodded he led me to the library that sunday morning he opened the double doors the room three
00:50:43stories of bookshelves a leather sofa his piano against the back wall had been filled since i
00:50:49had last been in it the day before with paper cranes there were thousands of them they hung from
00:50:54the ceiling on threads of clear nylon in soft drifts at different heights in the pale yellow of winter
00:50:59narcissus i stopped in the doorway one thousand damien one for every wish i have made for you since we
00:51:07were
00:51:07children i kept count he stepped into the room he turned one of the cranes gently on its thread i
00:51:13started after the year your mother died i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for
00:51:16you i
00:51:17started folding i folded one a week for the first year two a week for the next sometime around my
00:51:21underground years i lost track i counted them last month there were 947 i folded the last 53 in the
00:51:28apartment downstairs while you were upstairs sleeping i crossed the room i touched one of the cranes the paper
00:51:34was thin and cool the crease was perfect i knew the fold it was the same fold i had used
00:51:39at nine
00:51:40he had been folding cranes for me alone in his apartment for a long time damien what were the
00:51:48wishes he looked at me that you would grow up happy that you would grow up loved that you would
00:51:52grow up
00:51:52to do the work you wanted that you would eventually be able to come home and rest that you would
00:51:58eventually
00:51:59see me that is the only wish i never finished folding he reached up and unhooked a single crane
00:52:05from a thread above his head he held it out to me i would like you to fold the last
00:52:09one i took the crane
00:52:10it was a half fold the paper waiting the crease set damien when you are ready i am ready i
00:52:19folded the last
00:52:20crane the wish i folded inside it was that i had not taken so long to see him i hung
00:52:25it on the empty
00:52:25thread he held me in the doorway of the library for a long time
00:52:32i kissed him that night not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago not a
00:52:37kiss i
00:52:37was allowing him to give me a kiss i gave him i crossed the library after dinner he was at
00:52:42the
00:52:43piano playing the eight notes my mother used to hum he did not see me coming i sat down next
00:52:48to him on
00:52:48the bench i waited for him to finish the phrase i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under
00:52:54his chin i kissed him he went very still for a heartbeat he did not respond then he made a
00:52:59small
00:53:00sound not a word something quieter a sound i had never heard him make in all the time i had
00:53:05known
00:53:05him and his hand came up to cut the back of my neck and the bench creaked because he had
00:53:09moved without
00:53:09thinking he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person he has been kissing in his head every
00:53:14night
00:53:14for a long time when he pulled back both his hands were on my face his breath was not steady
00:53:19his eyes
00:53:20had gone very dark sloan damien i would like to say something say it i have loved you for a
00:53:30very long
00:53:30time i have loved you across continents and three engagements i refused and seven years of a man who
00:53:35was not me i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat i have loved
00:53:39you while
00:53:39you wrote thank you notes addressed to him on stationery i paid for i have loved you while you called
00:53:43me at
00:53:44midnight to ask which dress you should wear to his department dinner i have loved you in every
00:53:47shape a man can love a woman and still hide it i am not going to hide any of it
00:53:52from this minute
00:53:53forward damien hmm i love you his hands tightened on my face say it again i love you again i
00:54:06love you
00:54:06damien he pressed his forehead to mine for a long moment he did not move he simply breathed then he
00:54:12picked
00:54:13me up off the bench carefully with respect to the wound and walked me out of the library past the
00:54:18wall of narcissus into the foyer he did not put me down at the elevator he carried me into the
00:54:23bedroom
00:54:23he set me slowly on the edge of the bed he knelt on the floor in front of me he
00:54:28took both my hands
00:54:29i am not going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night i die he
00:54:33looked up at me
00:54:34but i would like tonight to ask you one thing marry me the cranes in the library down the hall
00:54:40turned slowly on their threads in the draft from the open window
00:54:45yes
00:54:48damien yes he did not let me go to alaska alone we had agreed weeks earlier that he would not
00:54:54come
00:54:54he had said it himself in the kitchen that the right answer for my career was yes and the right
00:54:59answer for his heart was no and that he would not be the one who decided which side of the
00:55:03snow line i
00:55:03slept on he had meant it he had also the same night he meant it started building a contingency
00:55:09i found out about the contingency on the morning of april second he came into the breakfast room
00:55:14with a folder under his arm and set it down next to my coffee sloney
00:55:20crane industries has launched a polar research division
00:55:24when
00:55:27last week
00:55:30damien the division is headquarters out of anchorage
00:55:33it is funding three independent scientific teams across the rongel and saint alia ranges
00:55:38the director of the division is a 58 year old former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally
00:55:42approved at 3 a.m on a sunday the director reports to a vice president of strategic operations
00:55:47damien the vice president of strategic operations will be working out of a forward base camp in
00:55:52the ringlish range from april 15th through the close of the field season damien the vice president
00:55:57of strategic operations me i close the folder you are not coming with me to the field as my boyfriend
00:56:02i am not coming with you to the field as your boyfriend you are coming with me to the field
00:56:06as the vice president of a polar research resension you invented in the last three weeks
00:56:12with cover that will hold up to any audit
00:56:15damien i will sleep in a separate module i will not interfere with your team i will not be on
00:56:19your
00:56:20your radio frequency i will however be 300 yards away every night you are in the field
00:56:24you did not have to do this i had to do this why he sat down across from me he
00:56:31took my left hand
00:56:32he looked at the signet ring he had slid onto it the night of the surgery and never asked back
00:56:37because the last time you went to that mountain without me you came home with a hole in your chest
00:56:42i am not living through that twice i can take care of myself i know you can i am asking
00:56:48please for
00:56:49the rest of my life to never have to find out again i looked at him for a long moment
00:56:53i had spent
00:56:54seven years asking a man to follow me to airports i now had a man who would follow me to
00:56:58ice all right
00:57:00he brought my hand to his mouth thank you we landed in anchorage on april 15th he had flown commercial
00:57:08three days ahead of me to maintain the cover he met me at the airport in a crane industries parka
00:57:13with
00:57:13a name tag that said d crane vp strategic ops and a face so neutral that even i almost believed
00:57:19it he shook my hand at the gate he did not kiss me he carried my carry on to the
00:57:24suv in the suv with
00:57:26the doors closed and the windows tinted he took my face in both hands and kissed me as if he
00:57:30had not
00:57:31seen me in a year three days was too long damien i am revising the cover i will be sleeping
00:57:39in your
00:57:39module that defeats the cover i do not care damien three days sloan he kissed me again the cover for
00:57:48the
00:57:48record held the cold weather medic worked it out the first night finn worked it out the second briggs
00:57:54who had transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february worked it out before we even
00:58:00landed nobody said anything nobody had to damien did not hide that he watched me work damien did not
00:58:06hide that he ate every meal next to me damien did not hide that when i came back from the
00:58:10day's
00:58:10transects with snow in my hair he met me at the door of the heated module with a towel he
00:58:14had warmed by the
00:58:15stove the team by week two simply absorbed him finn said it best late one night in the operations module
00:58:21after damien had stepped out to take a call sloan i have seen a lot of men love a lot
00:58:28of women i have
00:58:28never seen one love a woman like that like what like you are the only currency he has ever wanted
00:58:35i did
00:58:35not have an answer for that finn went back to his clipboard damien came back in he sat down next
00:58:40to me
00:58:41he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking he glanced at the medical chart on my
00:58:45clipboard
00:58:46frowned slightly at one number on it and said pulse is up i just walked in from the field that
00:58:51is not
00:58:52field walk pulse damien i would like the medic to look at you tonight the medic looked at me that
00:58:57night
00:58:57the pulse was as it turned out fine damien did not apologize for asking in the third week i learned
00:59:05about the foundations i learned about them by accident the way i had learned about the wall of narcissus
00:59:10and the box of cranes and the bound copies of every paper i had ever published he did not volunteer
00:59:15the information i found it by following a thread the thread was a small thank you note from a graduate
00:59:21student in cape town that arrived at base camp by satellite mail the student had received a stipend
00:59:26from the polar atlas foundation to attend a conference where i had given a keynote four years earlier the
00:59:31note was effusive it thanked me for the body of work and the foundation for the stipend i had never
00:59:36heard of
00:59:37the polar atlas foundation i looked it up polar atlas foundation had given approximately eight
00:59:42hundred thousand dollars over the past nine years in small individual stipends to graduate students in
00:59:47glaciology climate science and polar geophysics the recipient list was a precise map of every
00:59:53young researcher whose work had any tangential connection to mine the foundations board was three
00:59:58people none of them i had heard of i traced the llc behind the foundation through three jurisdictions
01:00:03it was damien's i traced four other foundations through the same pattern northern light trust
01:00:09ice and salt initiative the 1962 foundation named i realized for the year of the lock at the lake house
01:00:18the whitfield adjacent fellowship together they had quietly dispersed about 11 million dollars to young
01:00:24scientists in fields adjacent to mine i confronted him about it that night in our module he did not deny
01:00:29it
01:00:31damien i funded your students i do not have students you will i funded the field you were going to
01:00:39lead
01:00:44damien he took my hand i have been preparing the ground sloan for a long time i built the foundation
01:00:50network the same way i built the apartment in the wall not for you to notice for you to land
01:00:55in when you are
01:00:56ready when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will every promising postdoc in the
01:01:00discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you i did not stack the dare because i
01:01:04did not trust you to win without it i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight
01:01:07for
01:01:08what should have been handed to you seven years ago damien yes there is no part of my life you
01:01:13have
01:01:13not been holding up from underneath there is no part of you sloan i am not willing to hold up
01:01:18from
01:01:18underneath in the fourth week he showed me reagan's file he had not brought it up since we landed
01:01:23he brought it up only because that morning an emergency message had come through the satellite
01:01:28system a tabloid in new york had published a photograph of me being carried by damien off
01:01:34the medevac in february the photograph had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the
01:01:39helipad the caption beneath the photo was a quote attributed anonymously to a close friend of reagan
01:01:44snow suggesting that i had been romantically pursuing damien crane during my seven-year relationship with
01:01:49preston damien read it to me at breakfast he did not raise his voice he set down the satellite tablet
01:01:55he picked up his coffee he took a slow sip
01:02:01sclone damien i am withdrawing my offer to leave her alone damien she violated the no contact clause
01:02:08when she planted the quote that is now her problem not mine the deferred prosecution agreement is forfeit
01:02:12she will be charged with the underlying fraud on monday the federal investigation into her
01:02:17undergray with funding will be opened on tuesday i would like to do one additional thing he looked
01:02:21at me i would like to release the recording the full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call
01:02:27from the wrangle command tent had been used in the ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full
01:02:32audio had never been made public the two-minute clip the press had covered had only contained the
01:02:36part about the journal the remaining 90 seconds contain the part where she had called me stupid for
01:02:41thinking money could buy a man the part where she had described in detail the strategy of waiting for me
01:02:47to humiliate myself into walking away the part where she had laughed release it he did not blink all
01:02:54of it all of it to the same outlet that ran the tabloid quote to the same outlet he took
01:03:00out his
01:03:00satellite phone he made one call the call lasted four minutes by dinner the recording was up by midnight
01:03:07it had been picked up by every major outlet that had covered the original audit by the next morning the
01:03:12tabloid that had run the quote had retracted it by the end of the week the publishing house that had
01:03:17originally pulled reagan's book deal had publicly announced that it had also voided her advance
01:03:21contract for any future work reagan's snow did not surface in public again damien did not say anything
01:03:27about it he did not have to he had told me weeks ago that there had never been a moment
01:03:32in our entire
01:03:33acquaintance when i was unprotected i was beginning finally to understand exactly what that had meant
01:03:39i drilled whitfield one the same day the recording went live we had not planned the timing the team
01:03:44had simply gotten to the site in the rotation and the weather had cooperated and briggs had said
01:03:49that morning today is your day damien insisted on coming he had not pressed to be on any other field
01:03:55site with me he had stayed within his cover he had let me work without his shadow on my shoulder
01:03:59on the morning of whitfield one he did not ask permission he came he carried the equipment up the
01:04:05ridge himself even though briggs had two team members ready to do it he stood 10 feet away while
01:04:10i drilled he did not speak i drilled i logged the call i labeled it i stood up i turned
01:04:16to look at him
01:04:16he was watching me the way he had watched me come off the medevac at teeterborough a year before
01:04:21not breathing not blinking counting with his thumb pressed unconsciously to the inside of his own wrist
01:04:27where he had once pressed it to mine damien i am all right i know
01:04:36this is the spot i know this is where i called you this is where you called me he took
01:04:43a step closer
01:04:43he looked down at the snow he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been he looked
01:04:48at the lee of the outcrop where the walls had moved through then he knelt he did not cry he
01:04:52pressed his palm
01:04:53flat to the snow the way a person might press a palm to a grave he stayed there for a
01:04:57long moment
01:04:57when he stood his glove was wet through he took my hand i would like to ask you something ask
01:05:03i would
01:05:03like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me on the anniversary for the rest
01:05:07of our
01:05:07lives not because it was the worst day because it was the day you called me that is the day
01:05:12i want to
01:05:13keep i closed my hand around his every year every year all right briggs 20 feet away very politely
01:05:21turned his back to give us privacy we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more minutes when we
01:05:25walked back down the ridge damien did not let go of my hand briggs did not say anything about that
01:05:31either we came home on may 28th he had said the night before we landed that he wanted to be
01:05:37the
01:05:37one who drove me back from the airport he had said it the way he said most things now calmly
01:05:41with the
01:05:42assumption that i would not object i did not object he drove me back from teterboro at 6am on a
01:05:48tuesday in late spring the apartment when we walked into the foyer had changed the wall of
01:05:53cause the one he had commissioned for me in march was the same the wall of narcissus opposite was the
01:05:58same the piano was the same the library three rooms down was the same the bedroom had changed he had
01:06:05moved his things in his shoes by the door his charcoal pullover folded over the back of the reading
01:06:10chair his book on the bedside table on what had become in the last two months his side sloan
01:06:17damien i am not asking permission i am not asking you to he smiled it was the first full
01:06:22unmanaged smile i had ever seen on his face he set my carry-on down by the door he picked
01:06:28me up i have
01:06:29had a small panic every day for six weeks that you would change your mind on the plane i did
01:06:33not change
01:06:34my mind i know that now damien put me down no i can walk i know he carried me through
01:06:41the foyer past the
01:06:42wall of cause into the bedroom he set me very carefully on the edge of the bed he knelt in
01:06:48front
01:06:48of me he took both my hands he looked up at me for a long moment i would like to
01:06:52ask you the question
01:06:53i told you i was going to ask you in the winter damien it is may i cannot wait until
01:06:59the winter
01:06:59it's may sloan he reached into his pocket he took out a small velvet box he did not place it
01:07:06on the
01:07:06piano this time he opened it inside on a small bed of pale cream silk was a ring it was
01:07:12not the kind of
01:07:13ring i would have expected not from him not from a man who could have walked into any jeweler in
01:07:18manhattan and chosen any stone in the city it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold set into it
01:07:24almost flush was a single pale yellow sapphire the color of winter narcissus i knew the stone i knew the
01:07:31stone because it had been in my mother's locket the locket she had worn the day she died the locket
01:07:36my
01:07:36father had been keeping in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18 years damien i asked
01:07:41your father
01:07:42six months ago damien he gave it to me with both hands damien sloney whitfield damien i will say it
01:07:52twice if i have to say it i have loved you for a very long time i built a life
01:08:00with one room in it the
01:08:01room had no furniture and no light and one chair facing the door i sat in the chair year after
01:08:06year i sat in it through three engagements i refused i sat in it through your seven years with
01:08:11another man i sat in it through the night your mother died and the night you graduated and the
01:08:15night i painted the wall i sat in it on the afternoon you called me from a mountain in alaska
01:08:21i have not been in that room since the day i picked you up off the floor of that tent
01:08:25the room is gone now sloan the whole house is yours marry me i had thought for months that when
01:08:32this moment came i would say something simple i had thought i would say yes i had thought i would
01:08:38say yes because the word was small and complete and did not need any of the surrounding architecture
01:08:42instead i sat on the edge of his bed in his apartment in front of the wall of cause he
01:08:47had
01:08:47commissioned for me holding my mother's yellow sapphire on its brushed gold band and i started to cry
01:08:52i had not cried since the helicopter i cried now he did not move he did not say a word
01:08:58he let me cry
01:08:59after a long time i said it yes he closed his eyes once he opened them say it again yes
01:09:10again yes damien yes he slid the ring onto my fourth finger above the signet he had given me in
01:09:17the hospital the brushed gold was warm the yellow sapphire caught the morning light coming in off the east
01:09:22river he stayed kneeling he pressed his forehead to my knees i bent forward i rested my forehead
01:09:27against the crown of his head we stayed like that in the bedroom in his apartment for a long time
01:09:32after a while he stood up he picked me up off the edge of the bed he did not this
01:09:38time set me down
01:09:39anywhere he carried me to the south windows he stood there holding me looking out at the city
01:09:44mrs crane damien i am rehearsing rehearse it once more mrs crane yes damien he smiled into my hair
01:09:56he did not put me down for the rest of the morning we were married in november he gave me
01:10:01in the months
01:10:02between the kind of wedding that a man who has been planning a wedding in his head for a long
01:10:06time gives
01:10:06a woman who has been allowing herself to imagine one for 10 weeks which is to say a small wedding
01:10:11i had
01:10:12thought he would want a large one he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan he did not
01:10:17he picked the lake house he picked a saturday in late november when the first snow was due
01:10:21he picked the porch he invited my father three of his cousins garcia briggs finn my two graduate
01:10:28cohort co-investigators the cold weather medic the surgeon who had patched my lung and the national
01:10:34science foundation chair that was the entire guest list his mother was not invited she wrote him a
01:10:39letter the week before the wedding he returned it unopened he did not tell me he had returned it
01:10:44garcia mentioned it in passing on the morning of the wedding the way she mentioned most logistical
01:10:49details i asked him about it that afternoon in the bedroom while i was getting dressed he buttoned
01:10:54his cuff he did not look up damien she asked two months ago if she could attend and i told
01:11:03her she
01:11:03be welcome the day she apologized to you she did not she did not damien sloan she is your mother
01:11:14she
01:11:14had 30 years to be my mother she used that time to try to take you from me i am
01:11:18not paying her interest
01:11:19on a debt she did not service he buttoned the second cuff when she is ready to apologize to you
01:11:24she may
01:11:24come to dinner until then she may live with what she chose i crossed the room i straightened his tie
01:11:30slowly with both hands damien i love you he caught my hands at his collar he kissed both wrists one
01:11:39after the other mrs crane not yet in 43 minutes 43 i have been counting since 6 a.m he
01:11:45kissed me on
01:11:46the forehead he turned me toward the door your father is waiting downstairs all right sclone
01:11:52walk slowly why because the next time you walk through a door toward me you are mine
01:11:55i would like to remember every second of it he cried at the ceremony i had not expected him to
01:12:00i had not thought it possible he had been for the entirety of the time i had known him
01:12:05a man who had not visibly cried at a funeral a wedding a court ruling or a press conference
01:12:11he had stood at his father's grave site and not shed a tear he cried on the porch of the
01:12:15lake house
01:12:16on a saturday in november when he saw me come around the corner of the house in my mother's dress
01:12:20my father saw it first he squeezed my elbow look at him i looked damien was standing at the end
01:12:27of
01:12:27the porch in front of the open front door the brass lock the lock that had held since the house
01:12:32was built
01:12:32was just behind him his hands were clasped in front of him his eyes were closed tears were moving slowly
01:12:38down his cheeks he did not wipe them he opened his eyes when i was three steps away he smiled
01:12:44it was the
01:12:44smile of a man who had been waiting a long time to use it my father set my hand into
01:12:49his
01:12:51damien sir she is yours sir she always was dad smiled he took his seat in the front row the
01:12:59officiant a friend of the family who had married my parents in the same spot long ago said a few
01:13:04words
01:13:05he spoke about commitment he spoke about the longevity of love that has been quietly held
01:13:09he spoke briefly about my mother who had taught him to make soda bread when he was a young man
01:13:14then he said damien your vows damien took both my hands sloan whitfield damien crane i have loved
01:13:22you for a very long time i kept a small notebook the notebook had in it everything i learned about
01:13:26you that nobody else knew the way you held your fork the way you closed a door so it did
01:13:30not click
01:13:31the way you ate the corners of a sandwich first the way you bit your thumb before you took an
01:13:35exam
01:13:35i do not need the notebook anymore the porch was very quiet he went on i am keeping it for
01:13:40our
01:13:40daughter i vow to love you with the precision and the patience of a man who has practiced
01:13:45i vow to defend you the way i have always defended you which is publicly immediately and without
01:13:49negotiation i vow to bring you tea every morning and to play the piano for you every night i vow
01:13:54to
01:13:54come home for dinner every night for the rest of my life i vow to never under any circumstances let
01:13:59you walk out of a room without telling you first that i love you that is what i have for
01:14:03you sloan
01:14:03the rest is yours to ask i said my vows i do not remember them i remember only that when
01:14:08the
01:14:08officiant said you may kiss the bride damien did not move quickly he moved very slowly he cupped my
01:14:14face the way he had cupped it the day he came up off the floor of the tent in rainbow
01:14:18he kissed me
01:14:19the first snow began on cue behind him we did not have a reception we had dinner 12 of us
01:14:26around a long
01:14:27wooden table in the dining room of the lake house with two of my cousins and my father and garcia
01:14:31and
01:14:31briggs and finn and the medic and the surgeon and the national science foundation chair who had
01:14:36brought his wife the food was simple the wine was old the conversation moved the way conversations at
01:14:42lake houses move in slow loops that did not need anywhere to go after dinner damien played the piano
01:14:47he played the eight notes my mother used to hum he played the second eight notes he had written for
01:14:52me alone in his apartment while i had been in alaska drilling whitfield one he played a third set of
01:14:57eight
01:14:57notes i had never heard he stopped after the third set he turned to me that one i wrote this
01:15:03morning
01:15:03when this morning 4am damien i will write you a new eight notes every morning of our marriage
01:15:13damien i have already started counting around midnight the guests went to bed in the guest rooms
01:15:18upstairs damien took my hand he led me out the front door onto the porch and down the gravel drive
01:15:23to
01:15:23the boat house at the edge of the lake the boat house was lit with a single lamp he had
01:15:28had it
01:15:28cleaned he had had a single chair placed inside it by the window facing the water he had hung and
01:15:33i
01:15:33almost laughed when i saw it every single one of the thousand cranes from the apartment library
01:15:38they hung from the ceiling of the boat house in soft drifts of pale yellow and the lamp lit them
01:15:43from below he stood with me in the doorway sloan damien this is the last thing the last thing every
01:15:50other thing i have done over all this time i have done quietly i have folded a rain i have
01:15:53painted a
01:15:54wall i have learned a piece of music i have bought a building i've built a foundation network i have
01:15:58refused a marriage i did all of it quietly because you were not yet mine this is the last thing
01:16:02i do
01:16:02quietly he turned me to face him from tomorrow i do everything loudly i bring you flowers in front of
01:16:07every restaurant i hold your hand at every board meeting i introduce you at every event in the city as
01:16:11my wife for the rest of my life tell me you understand i understand sloan welcome home he
01:16:20cupped my face in both hands he kissed me slowly the way he had kissed me on the porch and
01:16:25behind him
01:16:25the thousand cranes turned slowly in the draft i had spent seven years thinking my life was a story
01:16:31about being seen by the wrong man it had been all along a story about being held up from underneath
01:16:36by
01:16:37the right one the right one was holding me now in a boat house at the edge of a lake
01:16:41at
01:16:41midnight in november in front of one thousand paper wishes he had folded for me before he was 30 years
01:16:46old the wish i had folded into the last crane months ago had been that i had not taken so
01:16:51long to see
01:16:52him the wish i made now standing in the doorway was that i would have a lifetime wall the end
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