- 23 hours ago
Chris Spencer: GOAT Adjacent
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00:03Well, well, well, here you are again, Chris Spencer, writing for someone else.
00:09When are you going to do your own special, or are you scared?
00:15Mr. Director, give me my theme music.
00:35Mr. Director, give me my theme music.
01:00Good evening. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, L.A.
01:08What's up, y'all?
01:11My family is Jamaican. Any Jamaican people here? Anybody from the Caribbean?
01:15Two, three. That's great. My brother and sister clap. That's it.
01:19I'm realizing that my dad is an old, dirty Jamaican.
01:25Like, I've noticed the older my father has gotten, the dirtier he's gotten.
01:29Like, when he comes over to hug my wife, I'm like, yo, yo, yo.
01:34You're hugging my wife too long.
01:36People are like, how you doing, love? How is everything?
01:38You're good? You're good?
01:40Good. How is it?
01:41I say, yo, are you smelling my wife's hair?
01:44Joe Biden. Back up for my wife. Joe Biden. Back up.
01:48And he's always talking to women half his age.
01:52I'm like, she don't want you.
01:54And he talks to him rude.
01:55Like, he's from that generation where, you know, you don't get in trouble for saying stuff.
01:59And he's from Jamaica, right?
02:01And so they say stuff that they can get away with that we can't get away with out here.
02:05Like, one time, there was a pregnant lady.
02:07He said, how you doing?
02:08She was like, fine. He said, how many months pregnant are you?
02:12She was like, six.
02:13He said, let me know when you're ready to have another.
02:16I laughed. I was like, ha, ha, ha.
02:19And then I saw my wife like this.
02:22I turned into Will Smith and Jade.
02:23I was like, ha, ha, hey, hey, hey.
02:27Can't be doing that right, babe.
02:28This guy's crazy.
02:34Sexy. Be looking at girls, winking.
02:36I'm like, yo, man, stop.
02:38Stop.
02:38I said, where does this come from?
02:40And he couldn't answer.
02:41Then I found out.
02:42I took him to Jamaica, right?
02:44Had a little golf tournament out there.
02:46We get to the hotel.
02:47He sees this lady.
02:48They start talking to each other.
02:50In Jamaica, you say some shit to a woman,
02:53she'll say some shit rougher than what you said.
02:57So we're walking to the hotel.
02:58He's like, you want to come in my room?
03:00She goes, my room is bigger.
03:06What's going on?
03:08He said, listen, if you come to my room tonight,
03:10I will lick you all night.
03:12She's like, man, who want to lick all night
03:14must have my dick like so.
03:15I was like, what?
03:20What in the Petra is going on?
03:29So nasty.
03:30He asked me, are you ready for this?
03:32He asked me to take him to a massage spot.
03:35I was like, oh, Burke Williams,
03:36your shoulder, your neck.
03:37He's like, nah, I'm mine.
03:41The Chinese place there, son.
03:44I said, I ain't taking you there.
03:46You know what he said to me?
03:46No, you don't have to be in the room.
03:48I go, really?
03:55So I don't know if you guys know this,
03:56but Jamaicans or Caribbean people point with their lips, right?
04:02So whenever I'm in the car with him,
04:03he's like, yo, there's a place over there.
04:04I go, where?
04:05He says, you don't have to be in the room.
04:11Jamaicans give you nicknames whether you like it or not.
04:14Right?
04:15Your name would be Pretty Jacket.
04:18Right?
04:19Spanish girl.
04:21The funniest one is to be a little girl.
04:22He used to ride her bike in my neighborhood.
04:23My dad would go, champion rider!
04:27Ride her bike, little girl.
04:28Ride it, ride it!
04:29I go, who are you talking about?
04:30Sierra?
04:35So looking at my dad,
04:36I don't want to say deteriorate
04:38because he is different, right?
04:39He used to be 6'4", 240.
04:41Now he's like 5'8", 130, right?
04:44He still thinks he's sexy, right?
04:46He'd be talking to him.
04:47Come here, let me ask you something.
04:48I said, daddy, how old are you?
04:49He's like, 83.
04:51How old do I look?
04:52I said, 84.
04:53Okay, stop talking to these women.
04:57But he's very healthy.
04:58He's doing great.
05:00Because you know why?
05:01He always kind of ate halfway healthy,
05:02but he always went to the doctor
05:04and checked on himself.
05:05So I make sure I always go to the doctor
05:07and check on myself.
05:08Which is weird now
05:09because there was a time
05:09when I would go to the doctor
05:10and they'd give you the little chart to fill out
05:12and I'd be like,
05:13I ain't got none of this.
05:13I ain't got none of this.
05:14I ain't got none of this.
05:16That's over.
05:19Damn.
05:20Arthritis?
05:21Yeah.
05:22Backache?
05:23Yeah.
05:24Psoriasis?
05:27Herpes?
05:27Wait a minute.
05:30So I went to the doctor the other day
05:32to get my, uh,
05:33I thought I was just getting
05:34a regular checkup, right?
05:35And the doctor was,
05:36he started putting the gloves on.
05:37I go, what are you doing?
05:40He goes, I got to check your prostate.
05:41Uh, what?
05:42I got to check your prostate.
05:43He's putting the gloves on.
05:44He's putting the,
05:44he's in the shit.
05:45I said, yo, yo, first of all,
05:46why, what,
05:47why are you still doing that?
05:48Like, you ain't got no app?
05:52I'm like, listen,
05:53for a woman,
05:53if you want to see the, uh,
05:55the gender of the child,
05:56you can use a sonogram.
05:57You just can't rub.
06:00He said, come on, man.
06:01Just, just bend over.
06:02I said, hey,
06:02don't talk to me like that, okay?
06:05You can't just say bend over,
06:06all right?
06:06You asked me nicely.
06:09So, I've done it before, right?
06:12And it was quick.
06:12It was boop, boop.
06:13That's it.
06:13Boop, boop.
06:13That's it.
06:14This time,
06:15he was in my ass
06:16a little too long for me.
06:18He was like, uh.
06:22Uh.
06:24I was like, uh.
06:27What are you looking for exactly?
06:32Uh.
06:36I was like, yo,
06:37you know what he said to me?
06:37Shh.
06:42Did you shush me?
06:46And why is Luther Vandross playing?
06:48Like, this,
06:48this ain't a date, okay?
06:50Just because you lift up my dress
06:51and finger bang me
06:52don't mean
06:53I'm married, sir.
06:58Men over 50, clap.
07:01Sir, prostate check?
07:02Yeah?
07:03No?
07:03Some of y'all
07:04don't get your prostate check.
07:05I've talked to friends, y'all,
07:07and I ain't doing that gay shit.
07:08That's, that's not gay.
07:09If you're worried about
07:10that making you gay,
07:11that means you're gay.
07:16That's not how it works.
07:17Oh.
07:18Wait a minute.
07:19Oh.
07:25Damn it.
07:25Damn it.
07:27Listen, getting your prostate checked
07:29to see if you have cancer
07:30is not gay.
07:32Now, while he's doing it
07:33and you bite your bottom lip,
07:34that's gay.
07:37That's gay.
07:41If you ask him to walk you to the car,
07:43that might be...
07:46You come back the next day
07:47with flowers like,
07:48Dr. Feinstein here?
07:52No, I think he forgot something
07:53because I have a little,
07:54there's a...
07:56I tore my ACL
07:57and I don't know if he...
08:05I gotta, uh,
08:06listen to this, all right?
08:07Tell me if I'm wrong, all right?
08:09Because I feel wrong,
08:10but not really.
08:11So I have a roommate
08:11from college, right?
08:13He was married for 28 years,
08:15has three kids,
08:16they're grown,
08:17he's getting a divorce,
08:18he got divorced,
08:19and now he told me
08:20he's coming out the closet.
08:21I was like, oh, okay.
08:22I said, well,
08:23let me ask you something
08:23because when we were roommates,
08:25did you ever have guys over?
08:26He's like, no.
08:26I said, what about high school?
08:27You ever mess around
08:27with a guy?
08:28He's like, no,
08:29this is gonna be my first time.
08:30I said, how old are you?
08:33He said, 56.
08:34I said, it's too late.
08:38He said, what are you talking about?
08:39I said, you can't just
08:40take a fresh dick at 56.
08:41What are you talking about?
08:44I said, you will die.
08:45You understand?
08:47You ain't loosened up
08:48nothing here.
08:52I said, look,
08:52here's the problem, all right?
08:53I don't mean to be rude,
08:54but like, I know when
08:56a heterosexual man gets divorced,
08:57he's gonna date some young girls,
08:59you know what I mean?
08:59He's not gonna date somebody his age.
09:01So that means you're gonna
09:02do the same thing.
09:02You're gonna find
09:03some little young, buff,
09:04like, dude, muscular,
09:06like them little Africans
09:07that Chessie Smollett
09:08had set up.
09:10You allegedly,
09:12allegedly set up.
09:15I said, yo,
09:17you can't handle that.
09:19They will break your spleen.
09:21Are you kidding me?
09:23He said, first of all,
09:24what makes you think
09:24I'm gonna be a bottom bitch?
09:25I said, by the way,
09:26you said that.
09:27So,
09:29what you might want to do.
09:31So, uh,
09:32I had to get ready
09:32for the special,
09:33so I lost some weight,
09:34right?
09:34Um,
09:37I knew I had to lose the weight
09:38because I was trying to figure out
09:39why my wife won't do it to me
09:40and then I saw myself
09:41naked in the mirror.
09:41I was like,
09:42ah, there it is.
09:44Right there.
09:45I am built like a drug lord.
09:46Look at this.
09:51I look like Pablo ice cream bar,
09:53okay?
09:53So I need
09:54to fix this.
09:56I wasn't in bad shape.
09:57I was built
09:58like the celebrity's brother.
10:03Don't act like
10:03you don't know
10:03what I'm talking about.
10:04You ever see
10:04the celebrity
10:05on the red carpet
10:06and then his brother
10:06right next to you?
10:09They look exactly alike
10:11if the celebrity
10:12didn't make it.
10:13You see The Rock.
10:15You see The Boulder,
10:16a little chubby dude
10:17like this.
10:18Same skin,
10:19tone,
10:19haircut.
10:20You see Diddy
10:21and you see Shitty.
10:22He's cold in the bags.
10:23Take that.
10:24Take that.
10:25You see Will.i.am
10:27and no I won't.
10:27He's got a muffin top.
10:29He looks like
10:30he had all the black eyed peas.
10:34Listen,
10:35let me tell you something.
10:35While I was doing this,
10:36I tried all the diets,
10:38right?
10:38And all the diets work.
10:39Keto,
10:41paleo,
10:41intermittent fasting.
10:42You do it for 30 days,
10:44you'll lose 10 pounds.
10:45But on day 31,
10:48if you look at a muffin,
10:5046 pounds are coming back.
10:53My problem,
10:54ladies and gentlemen,
10:54is it's always sugar
10:56for all of us.
10:57Sugar.
10:57Right?
10:58And supposedly,
10:59they say that sugar
11:01is 100 times more addictive
11:02than heroin or cocaine.
11:04Y'all believe that?
11:05Yeah.
11:05I don't believe it.
11:07I've never seen a sign
11:08that says we'll suck dick
11:09for a snicker.
11:14So my problem,
11:15ladies and gentlemen,
11:16isn't really candy bars.
11:17My problem,
11:18chocolate chip cookies.
11:20I love chocolate.
11:23I love chocolate chip cookies
11:24so much,
11:25if this was a
11:25Black Lives Matter rally
11:29and we were all fasting.
11:31But then some skinheads
11:33came through that door
11:36with some hot chocolate chip cookies.
11:38I would sell all y'all out.
11:42I'm like,
11:42brothers and sisters,
11:49don't all lies matter
11:50when you think about it?
11:54I mean,
11:55like,
11:55who are we to judge
11:56because we're a little stronger
11:57and a little faster?
11:58I would be a complete sellout.
12:00I'm like,
12:00have y'all seen these cookies?
12:02They come from Charlottesville
12:05and I think
12:06stay OKKK.
12:07Who wants one of these cookies?
12:08Who wants one of these
12:09goddamn cookies?
12:12I love chocolate chip cookies so much,
12:13I told my wife
12:14if I ever caught her cheating
12:15and she had two hot
12:16chocolate chip cookies,
12:17I would let dude finish.
12:23You think that's bad?
12:24If he had milk with ice in it,
12:25I would join him.
12:26That's how much I enjoy
12:27the cookie.
12:31Y'all got 20 minutes,
12:32hurry up.
12:34So,
12:35some of y'all know me,
12:36some of y'all don't.
12:36I do a lot of writing
12:37and producing in Hollywood.
12:38I work with
12:39Cedric the Entertainer,
12:40Anthony Anderson,
12:42Kevin Hart,
12:44all your favorite blacks,
12:45right?
12:46So,
12:47when you work with these people,
12:49your wives become friends,
12:51right?
12:51So,
12:51my wife thinks
12:52we can do the same things
12:53as their wives.
12:53I'm like,
12:54no, boo,
12:54we're the help.
12:56Now,
12:56some stuff I can do,
12:57right?
12:57Like,
12:58we're supposed to go to Europe
12:59with the hearts.
12:59I can go to Europe,
13:00sir.
13:00I'm a multi-thousandare,
13:01okay?
13:02My wife was like,
13:02you know what I was thinking,
13:03guys?
13:04We should fly private.
13:06I was like,
13:06what?
13:07We should fly private.
13:09I was like,
13:09you mean don't tell nobody?
13:15Because I can keep a secret.
13:17Private to Europe?
13:19I was thinking
13:20spirit or southwest,
13:21okay?
13:22We was going to have
13:2386 stops.
13:24L.A.,
13:24Phoenix,
13:25Burbank,
13:26San Diego,
13:27Detroit,
13:28San Antonio,
13:29Dallas,
13:30Phoenix,
13:32Kingston,
13:33Jamaica,
13:33Melbourne,
13:34Tokyo,
13:38Houston,
13:39Philly,
13:42Newark,
13:42Gatwick.
13:44I cannot compete
13:46with Kevin Hart.
13:47Kevin is becoming
13:48white rich.
13:49You know why?
13:50You know how I know?
13:51The other day he held
13:52a $250,000 watch
13:54and it was covered.
13:55I go,
13:56yo,
13:56why is it covered?
13:57He goes,
13:57it's just a little
13:57collector's item.
13:58I don't need to show off.
13:59I go,
13:59you're becoming white.
14:03He said,
14:03what are you talking about?
14:04I said,
14:04let me tell you something.
14:04If I had a $250,000 watch,
14:06everybody in here would know.
14:07You know why?
14:08Because the tag
14:09is going to be hanging.
14:14If you didn't see the tag,
14:15my shirt that was in diamonds,
14:16we'd be pointing at the tag going,
14:20look at his $250,000 watch.
14:25Kevin's made a lot of money,
14:26ladies and gentlemen.
14:28And I'm so happy for him
14:30because I believe
14:31God gave Kevin Hart money
14:33to take care of me
14:34and my family.
14:35That's just how I feel.
14:37Kevin Hart is my
14:38African-American express.
14:44I don't leave home
14:45without him.
14:46Do you understand
14:46what I'm saying?
14:48What's in your wallet?
14:49Nothing.
14:50There go Jumanji
14:50right over there.
14:54Ladies and gentlemen,
14:55let me explain something to you.
14:57Okay?
14:57When you have a rich friend,
14:59you got to be careful.
15:00Right?
15:01Because most of the times
15:01they pay,
15:02but every now and then
15:03they don't pay.
15:05And it's always
15:07at the wrong time.
15:10There was 30 of us
15:12and we went to Mr. Chow's.
15:14Are you guys familiar
15:15with Mr. Chow's?
15:16So for those of you
15:17who don't know,
15:18there's a Chinese restaurant
15:20in Beverly Hills.
15:21There's one in Miami,
15:22New York.
15:23That serves Chinese food,
15:24but it ain't no regular
15:25Chinese food.
15:26I don't know
15:26if they from the Ming dynasty
15:28or...
15:31There's cocaine
15:31and the egg rolls,
15:32but it's fucking expensive.
15:34And to make it more expensive,
15:36they have a little trick
15:36that they do.
15:37They'll bring you the menu
15:38and they'll go,
15:38you know what?
15:38Let's take that back.
15:39Let us just bring you
15:40a few things.
15:41Don't you ever
15:43let this fucking happen.
15:45You understand me?
15:46We did it one night.
15:47The bill was $1.8 million.
15:50But I don't care.
15:51You know why?
15:52Ride Along
15:53has Road Along.
15:57So the bill comes
15:58and they always try
15:59to give it to me, right?
16:00I don't know, maybe...
16:01I'm the one talking the most
16:02and I got to give them
16:03the Floyd Mayweather shoulder.
16:04Like, they're trying
16:04to give it to me.
16:06No, no.
16:08She's like,
16:09well, who do I give it to?
16:10I'm like,
16:10the little nigga
16:10in the high chair
16:13is responsible
16:14for everybody here.
16:17So on this particular night,
16:18I need you to laugh
16:19sometime today.
16:20On this particular night,
16:24he's a director,
16:25so he's like,
16:28interesting choices.
16:32So on this particular night,
16:36listen, I direct too.
16:37I know what he's doing.
16:44I would have put
16:45a different stance.
16:48So on this particular night,
16:49Cam was like,
16:50yo, all I had was a Coke.
16:56What'd he say?
16:58What'd he say?
16:58He wants some cocaine?
16:59Go get him some cocaine.
17:00He said, no, no, no, no.
17:01I don't do drugs.
17:02All I had was a Coca-Cola.
17:04And then he dug
17:05in his pocket
17:06and he pulled out
17:07a $10 bill
17:07and he threw it.
17:10And all the broke people
17:11at the table
17:11watched the $10 bill
17:17float to the table.
17:19He started to get up.
17:20I'm like, yo,
17:20we got to stop him.
17:21Listen, tell him
17:21how tall he looks.
17:22That's your job.
17:23Right?
17:23Go, go.
17:28So we're here arguing.
17:29My wife's like,
17:29this is so stupid.
17:30Baby, you know,
17:30it's our turn to pay.
17:31I go, shh.
17:33It's never our turn.
17:34Okay?
17:35So let's try to figure this out.
17:37It's all broke actors
17:39at the table.
17:39So we count each other's money.
17:40I'm like, yo,
17:41Kadeem,
17:42different world.
17:42Y'all did a little something.
17:43There's a check.
17:44Right?
17:46All of us.
17:46Lady of Rage,
17:47I heard your shit
17:48in the elevator.
17:59Kwame, yo,
18:00you done sold all
18:01them poor without shirts.
18:02You can do something here.
18:06My wife's looking at us.
18:07This is so ridiculous.
18:08You grown-ass men
18:09arguing for the check.
18:10She reached for the check.
18:11I hit her in her throat
18:12so fast.
18:15Now, it wasn't a real hit.
18:16It was just like,
18:17but she was like,
18:19she didn't see it.
18:20I said, baby, you okay?
18:21Yo, I think they put
18:22peanuts in the satay.
18:23I told you she was allergic.
18:26So she walks to the back.
18:27We're still arguing.
18:29It's 58 credit cards
18:30in the middle of the table.
18:34My wife comes back.
18:34She goes, listen.
18:35And listen close, okay?
18:36I talked to the owner.
18:37You guys can all leave, okay?
18:39I said, what's going on?
18:40He said, if I have a glass
18:41of wine with him,
18:41I'll take care of the check.
18:42I go, that ain't gonna happen.
18:43She goes, yes, it is.
18:44I go, no, it's not.
18:45She goes, yes, it is.
18:45I go, no, it's not.
18:46She goes, yes, it is.
18:47I go, no, it's not.
18:48And just hypothetically,
18:49what am I supposed to be doing
18:50while you're having
18:51a glass of wine
18:52with this stranger?
18:53She hands me a bag.
18:54I'm like, oh,
18:55chocolate chip fortune cookies?
18:59Wow.
19:08Y'all got 20 minutes.
19:09All right, I'm gonna be in the car.
19:10She likes rosé, okay?
19:14So, here's something I learned.
19:16You know, when we're all
19:17trying to lose weight,
19:18we think it's the things we eat
19:19or we're supposed to just go run
19:20and go get a trainer.
19:21It's not that.
19:22Sometimes it's your environment, right?
19:23The people you're around
19:25can make you crave certain things, right?
19:27Like my thing was sugar.
19:28So, I went to this nutritionist
19:30who was kind of like a psychic
19:31and she was like,
19:31yo, some of the people around you
19:33you need to get rid of.
19:34I was like, really?
19:35Yeah, and I did
19:36and I started to lose weight.
19:38She's like, see,
19:38I told you it would work.
19:40She goes, let's talk about your career.
19:41I'm like, let's go.
19:42She's like, okay, now,
19:44a lot of your friends
19:44have passed you up.
19:51I said, what do you mean?
19:53I mean, you know,
19:54you started off
19:55with the Wayans family.
19:56They're past you.
19:58And then Kevin,
20:00you used to sleep on your couch,
20:01you told me.
20:01Look, he's doing the O2 Arena
20:04and the Barclays
20:05and Dave Chappelle
20:06and Chris are in the Staples Center
20:08and Madison Square Garden.
20:09I mean, you're doing okay, right?
20:11You're doing the Laugh Pickle
20:12in Inglewood, I read.
20:13And, uh...
20:23You have another gig
20:24for the deputy mayor
20:25in Barstow?
20:26So many things...
20:29But you're not where
20:30you want to be, are you?
20:32I was like, no.
20:33She goes, well,
20:33let's work on that.
20:34I said, yeah,
20:34I want to get to the Staples Center.
20:36She goes, okay.
20:36Now, we're going to have to dig deep.
20:38We're going to have to talk
20:39about your past.
20:40I'm like, let's go.
20:41She, okay?
20:41It might be a little painful.
20:42I said, from Inglewood, homie.
20:46I'm used to pain.
20:47Talk to me.
20:47She's, okay.
20:49Let's talk about
20:51the time you were molested.
20:54I was like,
20:56I was never molested.
20:57She goes, oh, no.
21:00You've blocked it.
21:05I said, what?
21:05You've blocked it, baby.
21:07It's deep, deep down.
21:07I said, no.
21:08She goes, listen, let's talk, okay?
21:10Let's just...
21:10You and I are here, okay?
21:11Let's just get really personal
21:13and let's tell some truths, okay?
21:15Now, let's talk about
21:16your family life, right?
21:17You said your mother was divorced
21:18when you were at an early age, right?
21:19And so men were in and out the house.
21:20I go, hey, bitch,
21:21hold on one second.
21:23I don't mean to call you that,
21:24but you ain't gonna call
21:25my mother a whore in front of me.
21:26Like, if I leave,
21:28do whatever you want behind my back.
21:29She's, okay, let's talk about that, all right?
21:32Who was the guy that came in the house?
21:33I said, my stepfather, Adrian,
21:34who she married.
21:35She's, Adrian, Adrian, Adrian.
21:37Oh, yes.
21:38I like him.
21:39All right.
21:40That's her soulmate.
21:41Who else?
21:42Nobody else.
21:44I had an uncle named Silvera
21:45who came around.
21:46Silvera, Silvera, Silvera.
21:48I think he went to school with Adrian.
21:49I go, yeah.
21:50Great guy.
21:51Who else?
21:51I said, there was no other men in our house.
21:54She's got to be somebody.
21:57Who?
21:57You know what?
22:01There's this white guy named Gary, right,
22:02who married my aunt.
22:04She's like, Gary.
22:05Huh.
22:06Gary.
22:07Gary.
22:08Gary.
22:09Gary.
22:12Tell me about Gary.
22:13I said, I don't know why
22:14you're making your face up like that.
22:16Gary was the coolest white boy
22:17we ever knew, right?
22:18Had an Afro.
22:19Used to hang out with all the black people.
22:20Used to hoop with us.
22:21Harmless, right?
22:22He used to be a priest, right?
22:26He was also the leader of our Boy Scout troop.
22:29Like, I'm talking about.
22:31Used to work part-time as a clown.
22:33Like, this was the most harmless.
22:40She goes, did you hear yourself?
22:42I go, what?
22:43Priest?
22:44Boy Scouts?
22:45A clown?
22:46Those are the guys that prey on young boys.
22:49Those are the biggest pedophiles in the world.
22:51I said, no, Uncle Gary.
22:52She goes, yes, Uncle Gary.
22:54I said, listen, I would have whooped Gary's ass.
22:56She goes, no, you wouldn't have.
22:58You're a little boy.
23:00Come here, give me a hug.
23:01I said, hey, you know what?
23:02I'm done.
23:03Thank you so much.
23:04I never went back.
23:06Ten years later, my aunt dies.
23:07I go to the funeral.
23:08Who do I see?
23:10I see Gary.
23:11I'm excited.
23:12Yo, Gary, what's up?
23:13He's like, hi.
23:16I go, yo, it's Chris, Dorothy's son.
23:17He goes, I know who you are.
23:18I go, oh, you raped me.
23:22He was like, what?
23:23I said, I saw in your eye how you kind of darted.
23:27That means something happened.
23:28What happened?
23:29He goes, what are you talking about?
23:30I said, yeah, you know what happened.
23:31Tell me what happened.
23:32He walked off.
23:33I said, yeah, walk off, raper.
23:36So I go back into the church.
23:38I come out.
23:38I see him.
23:39He walks into this little cafe.
23:40I go over and talk to him.
23:41I said, yo, you ain't got nothing to say?
23:43He goes, what is there to say, Christopher?
23:45I go, you can tell me what happened when I was a kid.
23:46He goes, nothing happened when you were a little kid, except that I took care of you,
23:49your sister, and your mother when you were going through some bad times, okay?
23:52When your mother was working two or three jobs, I was going to take you to basketball
23:55practice.
23:55I was taking your sister to learn how to play the flute, learn how to play the piano.
23:58I helped you with all this stuff.
23:59And this is how you treat me?
24:00You start crying.
24:00This is how you treat me?
24:01I go, man, I don't mean to make you cry, but I'm just trying to get to the Staples Center.
24:06Like, the Laugh Pickle plays great, but the Staples Center is fantastic.
24:10She told me, if I dig deep and get into my past, you know, but she said this, but she
24:15could be lying.
24:16She don't know.
24:17She's not God, right?
24:18I'm sorry, man.
24:18Okay, I'm sorry.
24:20All right, will you forgive me?
24:21He said, I don't know.
24:21I said, listen, can I sit down and talk to you?
24:23We sat down.
24:25We talked for three hours.
24:26It was great.
24:27We caught up.
24:28He's got a family.
24:29He's doing incredible.
24:30He's written a couple books.
24:32Three hours later, the waitress comes over.
24:34She's like, do you guys want anything else?
24:35And that's when Gary put his hand on my knee.
24:39And he said, you still like chocolate chip cookies?
24:41I'm like, you motherfucker.
24:55I blocked it.
24:58And a guy used to, you know, harass me, elementary school and junior high school, right?
25:03His name was Charles.
25:05And he would rob me every day.
25:08Every day.
25:09And the days he would forget, I would remind him.
25:11Like, yo, yo, how are you going to eat without this?
25:14Here.
25:15Give me some sustenance, brother.
25:18Every day, right?
25:19And so, a couple years ago, a dear friend of mine died.
25:24I go to the funeral.
25:25Who do I see?
25:27I see Charles.
25:30He's this big.
25:32I'm like, oh, shit.
25:35This is why I came to church.
25:36Thank you so much.
25:38I go, what's up, Charles?
25:41He said, hey, little Chris.
25:42I go, no.
25:46It's little Charles.
25:49He's like, what's up?
25:50I'm like, what is up?
25:51I'm like, what's up?
25:51He's like, what is up?
25:52I said, you know what?
25:52You know what's up?
25:53I owe you an ass whooping for my childhood.
25:56I'll open my jacket.
25:57This motherfucker kicked me in the chest.
25:58Bow!
26:02I said, yo.
26:03He said, what you want to do?
26:04I was like, you kicked me in the chest.
26:06He said, you ran up on me.
26:07I said, you're still a bully?
26:11He said, what?
26:12You thought it was going to be an optometrist or something?
26:13What you want to do?
26:15He kicked me in the chest.
26:17And as I walked off, he dug in my pocket and took $20.
26:19I was like, oh.
26:21But here's what's funny.
26:22This ain't the first time he kicked me.
26:26Eighth grade.
26:28I'm going to Monroe Junior High.
26:30And he's there terrorizing everybody.
26:32And this new kid moves into our neighborhood named Paul.
26:34Paul was smooth.
26:36He dressed nice.
26:38He had a perm.
26:41Let me explain what a perm is to the whites.
26:43Okay.
26:43So, we black people get a perm to make curly hair straight.
26:50You guys do it to make straight hair curly.
26:53So, he had, his shit was feathered.
26:56It was beautiful.
26:58Beautiful.
26:59They used to call it the Lord Jesus.
27:03You know why?
27:04Because when he would take the rollers out and go like this, all the girls would go, Lord Jesus.
27:11Yo, this was a beautiful man.
27:13He was about 6'4", light-skinned, green eyes.
27:16Had a, I knew he had money because he had a leather members-only jacket.
27:21I was like, oh my God, his parents must be white.
27:24He had a motorcycle.
27:26He had a Camaro in the eighth grade.
27:27This dude was smooth, right?
27:29So, he moves to our neighborhood and him and Charles get into it, right?
27:33They start arguing and pushing and shoving.
27:35And all of a sudden, he put his finger in Charles' eye.
27:37And before Charles gets stocking, the principal comes and breaks it up.
27:40And he's like, yeah, I'll see you after school.
27:42He said, bet, bet, bet.
27:43I'm going to whoop your ass.
27:44He said, bet.
27:44They break it up.
27:46I look at Paul.
27:47I go, are you crazy?
27:48He said, well, I turned to a little white girl.
27:49I go, that's the bully.
27:52Okay, he's going to murder you.
27:54He said, he ain't going to murder me.
27:55Y'all scared of this motherfucker.
27:56I ain't afraid of him.
27:56I said, why aren't you scared?
27:57I interviewed him like a reporter.
27:58Why aren't you scared?
28:01He said, the most magical thing a kid could hear in the 70s.
28:06I go, why aren't you scared of him?
28:07He goes, because I know karate.
28:08I was like, oh, shit.
28:12You know karate?
28:13Yeah, I know karate.
28:15And he started doing stuff.
28:18He was doing stuff.
28:18He pulled off some real nunchucks.
28:21I'm like, okay, you don't know no real karate.
28:24He goes, look at my shoes.
28:26I look down.
28:27He had on some karate shoes.
28:30I'm not talking about the little black ones with the little red thin sole.
28:33No, he had on them wooden flip-flops that you wear with socks where you can see the knuckle like
28:40this.
28:43I was like, oh, you do know karate.
28:45He said, yeah, and I'm going to whoop your boy's ass.
28:48I'll see you at three.
28:49And he walked off.
28:55Yo, I told everybody.
28:57I'm like, yo, 315, you know, Charles will get his ass whooped.
28:59315, you going to be there?
29:00I started selling tickets.
29:0125 cents, you can sit here.
29:0150 cents, you can sit here.
29:04Charles saw me.
29:04He said, let me tell you something.
29:05After I whoop his ass, I'm going to whoop your ass.
29:08I said, no, you won't.
29:09He's like, why not?
29:10I said, because you'll be dead.
29:14315 comes.
29:16Charles is waiting.
29:17He said, where's your boy?
29:17I said, oh, he's coming.
29:19All of a sudden, you hear ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying.
29:23Paul is riding his motorcycle around the field.
29:26Ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying.
29:28He's doing willies.
29:29He's jumping over backpacks.
29:31The perm is flying.
29:34His whole outfit matches.
29:35The leather jacket.
29:37He looked like Nigger Knievel.
29:38It was beautiful, right?
29:44He pulls over.
29:47Dirt comes on to Charles.
29:48He's like, oh, I'm finna kill this boy.
29:50I'm finna kill this boy.
29:51Paul gets off.
29:53He said, you ready?
29:54Charles is like, I've been ready.
29:56Paul takes off the jacket.
29:57He opens it up.
29:58He has on a karate gi.
30:00We're like, oh, my God.
30:02This is incredible.
30:03He has on a karate gi.
30:04Yes.
30:06Uh-oh.
30:08Uh-oh.
30:09Oh, no.
30:12Is that a yellow belt?
30:17Is that a yellow?
30:18Can you see it for me?
30:19I can't see it for me.
30:20Is that a yellow belt?
30:22Like, how does it work?
30:24Does it go red, blue, green, black, yellow?
30:27Or is it red, green, yellow, black?
30:32And my boy Derek was like, uh, you get yellow with registration.
30:35I'm like, God.
30:44He beat the perm out of Paul.
30:50He went from Prince's I Want to Be Your Lover album cover to Maxwell's album cover.
30:59And then took his motorcycle and then rode off like a synchronized gymnast with a yellow belt.
31:10I'm like, oh, my God.
31:11I'm walking with Paul.
31:12He got grass in his hair.
31:15He said, what am I going to do?
31:16I said, move.
31:17You should move.
31:20I get to school the next day.
31:22I see Charles.
31:22I say, y'all, I know you're about to do something.
31:24Let me ask you, how did you know you were going to whip his ass?
31:26I was like, everybody knew he knew karate.
31:28He opened up his jacket.
31:30He owned a karate gi.
31:31And he had a purple belt.
31:33And then he kicked me in the chest.
31:35Bow!
31:35I was like.
31:40I'm married.
31:40Married people, clap.
31:43Horrible.
31:44Horrible.
31:44Look at that.
31:45Horrible.
31:46Horrible.
31:46Let me show you the difference.
31:47Single people, where are you?
31:49Look at that.
31:52Happy.
31:53Happy, full of diseases.
31:54Look at them.
31:55Woo!
31:55Woo!
31:56Woo!
31:56Woo!
31:56Woo!
32:05My wife is here.
32:12I'm very, very, very lucky.
32:16She's more lucky, but I'm very lucky to have her.
32:22She's smarter than me.
32:23She's prettier than me.
32:25And, you know, we really work well together.
32:27And I almost messed it up, right?
32:30Because, you know, I knew she was Puerto Rican, right?
32:35But, you know, I always had in my head that I'm going to marry a black woman.
32:38So I was like, I don't know.
32:39I don't know if this is going to work.
32:40And then one day we were at my mom's house and we were looking to an Essence magazine.
32:44And it was an old brother with the Covasier ad, black man, gray beard, like this.
32:48She goes, oh, he looks like my grandfather.
32:49I'm like, huh?
32:51Your grandfather's black?
32:52She's like, yeah.
32:53I said, listen, with this ring.
32:58For the lover in you.
33:06Fantastic.
33:07Everything is going great.
33:09You know, but you have your quarrels, right?
33:11Like, we were arguing one time.
33:12She's like, nigga, stop.
33:13I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
33:15You don't get to say that word.
33:17She said, you say it.
33:17I said, well, I'm a member.
33:18I go to the meetings.
33:21I have a badge.
33:22She goes, that's bullshit.
33:23First of all, I'm Puerto Rican.
33:24I go, what's that mean?
33:25That means I'm African, I'm Spanish, and I'm Indian.
33:27I said, yeah, but you ain't got enough African in you to use the word.
33:30She said, what are you talking about?
33:31I said, listen, let me explain Puerto Rican black, okay?
33:34All right?
33:35Some slave ships from Africa stopped in Puerto Rico to get some gas.
33:43A couple of dudes escaped.
33:45Did it to some of the Spanish women and the Indian women.
33:47Some of y'all got ass.
33:48Some of y'all got flat-nosed.
33:49Some of y'all got nappy hair.
33:50But y'all ain't no neck.
33:53She goes, that's bullshit.
33:54I said, no, it's not bullshit.
33:55Listen, both of us shouldn't be using the word, okay?
33:57So let's both stop.
33:58She's like, whatever.
33:59I said, yeah, whatever.
34:01So she goes and takes a 23andMe test.
34:07Turns out she's 37% West African.
34:12That's 7% more black than me.
34:19She came back cocky.
34:21Uh-huh.
34:23I'm like, what?
34:23She goes, uh-huh.
34:24I go, what?
34:24She goes, I told you, nigga.
34:26Nigga.
34:31I said, oh, you became a crip while you took the test?
34:37My wife is a gangster.
34:39Right?
34:40When you see my wife, she looks like a senorita.
34:42But if she drew a picture of herself, it would look like Lupita.
34:44Okay?
34:46We have two kids.
34:47Uh, Isabella and Christopher.
34:50Um, very good looking.
34:51They look like, they look like us.
34:54Uh, totally different, right?
34:57They totally, it's crazy how you can raise two kids in the same house and they come out totally different.
35:01My daughter is a hater.
35:06Is that okay to say?
35:07She's a hater?
35:08My son is a snitch.
35:13My daughter is the biggest hater in the world.
35:14No matter what my son does, it's never good enough.
35:16My son came home.
35:17Dad, I made the basketball team.
35:18I'm like, that's my boy.
35:19She's like, really?
35:22You're proud of that?
35:24I go, what's wrong with that, Isabella?
35:25Um, he's the only black kid in the school.
35:29He's supposed to make the basketball team.
35:34If he makes the chemistry team, we can have a party, okay?
35:40My son is the snitch.
35:43Father, father, come.
35:44We live in a white neighborhood.
35:46Father, come here.
35:48What, man, what?
35:49Um, did you say we could have cookies?
35:51No.
35:52Interesting.
35:54Interesting.
36:11We live in the suburbs, which means, of course, you know, my kids are dominating in sports.
36:17Uh, you're not gonna believe this.
36:19Uh, last fall, my kid had 14 touchdowns in one game.
36:2314 touchdowns.
36:24And what I can't figure out is why these little white boys can't catch Isabella.
36:28Like, she's fast.
36:34But she ain't that damn fast, right?
36:36She's a show officer.
36:36She'll go to the end zone and go, not yet.
36:38And she'll moonwalk across the field like Chris Brown.
36:41And all these little slow-ass Jewish kids are chasing her.
36:44There's these yarmulkes flying all over the place.
36:48No, don't get me wrong.
36:49These ain't no little punk-ass Jewish kids.
36:50These are some very athletic Jewish kids.
36:52Like, they may have on yarmulkes, but they have a Nike swoosh on one side.
36:56And it says, just Jew it on the other.
36:58So I am talking the creme de la creme of the San Fernando Valley.
37:06But I was like, you know what?
37:08I don't believe.
37:10I don't believe my kids are this good.
37:12So I took them to the hood, and I enrolled them in track.
37:16And just like I thought, my kids ain't shit.
37:22Kids ain't shit.
37:23The hood kids are just built differently.
37:25Y'all know these kids are built differently.
37:26At the time, my son was 14.
37:28He was skinny and scrawny.
37:29The kid next to him, 14, buff, muscles, goatee, had a car in the parking lot.
37:35Like, you know what it is?
37:37They're more mature.
37:38This one little Mexican girl that sort of got 13 years old,
37:41she put her baby down and ran a 12.9.
37:47You know how fast that is?
37:49You think that's bad?
37:50Her son jumped 15.4 in the pit.
37:54I'm like, who are these people?
37:56And what pisses me off, ladies and gentlemen, is, you know,
37:59they're whooping our ass in regular clothes.
38:05Right?
38:05My kids got on Nike this, Jordan that, wind-resistant water repellent,
38:09because, you know, I got, I'm a multi-thousandare,
38:11so my kids have on fly shit.
38:13These little motherfuckers had on jeans,
38:16Raiders jerseys,
38:18Timberlands.
38:21One kid beat my son in the 400 by 100 meters.
38:27He had on Spider-Man pajamas and some Stacey Adams.
38:30Do you understand the embarrassments?
38:36I said, yo, get your little black, white asses in the car.
38:38Let's go.
38:39Let's go.
38:45My kids go to private school,
38:46because, you know, I'm a multi-thousandare.
38:49And I worry about them, right?
38:50I worry when they get into the real world,
38:51because it's kind of soft.
38:53Like, the kids have never had a fight.
38:55You know what I mean?
38:56Like, the other day, he had a little girl over.
38:58I was like, you know what?
38:58I should go have the birds and the bees talk.
39:00I was like, you know what?
39:00Why?
39:02He ain't gonna do shit.
39:05What's he gonna do?
39:05They're probably watching Frozen for the eighth time.
39:08They're doing some offbeat TikTok videos.
39:11He'll be all right.
39:13So, while he was back,
39:14he was back there a couple hours.
39:15I had to go, I had to cut my hair.
39:16I'd keep my clippers in the back.
39:18I knock on the back.
39:19I open the door.
39:19He's like, what's up?
39:20I look, he has a hickey necklace.
39:24He has monkey bites all on his neck.
39:26I have never been so pissed
39:27and so proud at the same time.
39:29But I can't let him know that.
39:30I had to act pissed.
39:31Yo, come here.
39:32He's like, what's up?
39:37What?
39:38I said, yo, what's going on?
39:40Look at your neck.
39:41He said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
39:44Hey, hey, hey, hey.
39:45Do me a favor.
39:47Go put two tablespoons in the freezer for me.
39:50I was like, what?
39:51You guys know about this?
39:52So, apparently, you put spoons on the thing
39:55and it'll make the hickey go away.
39:58I said, what if your grandfather saw that?
40:02He said, Grandpa told me about the spoons.
40:03I'm like, this is nasty.
40:09May not tell him nothing.
40:10May not know what I'm talking about.
40:14Married people.
40:16Number one problem in a marriage.
40:17Some people say communication.
40:19Some people say finances.
40:21Lack of sex.
40:24Look at all the scared men
40:25and the women are like,
40:26oh, what are you talking about?
40:29It's sex, guys.
40:31It's okay.
40:31We're adults.
40:33It's sex.
40:34Right?
40:34The woman thinks she's fucking her ass up.
40:38And she's not doing the same fucking
40:40she did when she was campaigning.
40:44You know what happens?
40:45In the beginning, ladies and gentlemen,
40:48when you first get married and have kids,
40:50it's her fault.
40:51Right?
40:52She's dealing with the kids all day.
40:53She's tired.
40:54Right?
40:55Like, her libido is low.
40:57That's when you're younger.
40:59When you've been married 15, 20 years,
41:00it becomes, you know what?
41:01I don't want to fuck you either.
41:05Sometimes we'll be like,
41:06yo, you want to do it?
41:06I mean, I'll do it if you want to do it,
41:08but if we don't...
41:09Like, I don't want to stop you from watching TV,
41:11but if you feel like it, I will.
41:14You know what I mean?
41:14I will just, you know,
41:15I'll lose on a Zoom,
41:16but I'll stop the Zoom if you...
41:17I'm just saying,
41:18if you want to, I will.
41:21I mean...
41:21Seriously, sometimes,
41:22if she was like,
41:23yo, do you want to have sex
41:24or do you want a sandwich?
41:25I'd say, give me a second.
41:28Sex, sandwich, sandwich.
41:31Hurry up.
41:31Okay, I got questions.
41:32What?
41:33We got avocado?
41:35We do.
41:36Croissant?
41:37Shit, wait a minute.
41:43Sometimes, you know,
41:44it's just...
41:45You get tired.
41:47Right?
41:47You guys have been doing it.
41:48You've been doing it to each other.
41:49You got to make stuff fresh.
41:51Right?
41:52She knows all your moves.
41:55Y'all will be doing it.
41:56She's like,
41:56he should be pulling my hair right about...
41:57Oh, there he is.
42:02You have to figure out a way
42:04to keep it fresh.
42:05But also,
42:06like, you guys become so close,
42:08right?
42:08Sometimes it's, like,
42:09weird to be freaky.
42:12You know what I mean?
42:13Some dude said to me the other day,
42:14yo, you be fucking shit out your wife?
42:15I was like, ugh.
42:20That's my kid's mother.
42:24He's like, yo,
42:24I got this Viagra Cialis.
42:25I'm like, yo, man,
42:26what are you talking about?
42:28We just want to do it real quick
42:29and go to sleep.
42:32Seriously,
42:32when you're married 15,
42:3320 years,
42:34you become lazy.
42:35Like, one time we were doing it
42:36and I was like,
42:37babe, why don't you get on top?
42:38She goes, I'm fine, thanks.
42:43I go, yo,
42:43get on top.
42:44No, you're doing a great job.
42:45She gave me the thumbs up.
42:45You're killing it.
42:51You are killing it.
42:53I go, look,
42:53I've been on top
42:54of two commercials.
42:55Don't you think it's fair?
42:59She's like, ugh.
43:01Okay, rock, paper, scissors.
43:02I'm like, really?
43:05Fuss it, man.
43:09Any interracial couples here?
43:13Come on, that's it.
43:15You know what?
43:15It's great to see.
43:16In my time,
43:18you know,
43:19it's a little scary.
43:21Right?
43:21You see a brother
43:22with a white girl,
43:22he's a little nervous.
43:24Right?
43:24Especially if he's
43:25some sisters.
43:26Because, you know,
43:27he wants to go
43:28some places
43:28where sisters aren't.
43:31Because you guys
43:32are mean.
43:33When you see a brother
43:34with a white girl,
43:34look at that motherfucker
43:35right there.
43:36He's like, ah, shit.
43:37Told you we shouldn't
43:38have went to the
43:38Fox Hills mall.
43:43The white girl
43:44with the black guy,
43:45oh, that's different
43:47than the black girl
43:48with the white guy.
43:48She's proud.
43:49Yeah, we're going,
43:50we're going to Roscoe's.
43:52Which one?
43:53All of them.
43:55You know why?
43:56Because the black girl
43:58with the white guy
43:59is applauded.
44:01Good for you, girl.
44:04Fuck them.
44:06You got you a good one.
44:09The brother with a white girl,
44:10look at this,
44:10corny motherfucker.
44:11You can't handle
44:12no real sister.
44:15But the sister,
44:16from her people,
44:17get applauded.
44:18Right?
44:19Janet Jackson,
44:21Eve,
44:22who else?
44:23Serena.
44:24That's good.
44:25Get your credit fix,
44:26girl,
44:26and you marry her.
44:32Say that again.
44:34Good for you, girl.
44:35You get your credit fix,
44:36and you marry that white boy.
44:38Good for you.
44:39Find me one.
44:39Do we got a brother?
44:41They get uplifted
44:42with this new frontier
44:44they're about to have.
44:45We don't.
44:46Even Meghan Markle.
44:47She was a little nervous.
44:49She was talking to her mom.
44:50I don't know mom.
44:51He's red hair,
44:52freckles, ginger.
44:53You know her mom's from Compton.
44:54She's like,
44:54fuck that, okay.
44:55Ginger,
44:56nigger,
44:56same thing.
44:57Unscramble the letters,
44:57bitch.
44:58Make me a princess.
45:02Ginger,
45:02nigger.
45:03That's the greatest joke
45:04ever written.
45:04I just want you to know that.
45:06Unscramble the letters.
45:09Unscramble the letters.
45:09Unscramble the letters.
45:13How many people here
45:15have been affected by racism?
45:17Clap.
45:21How many people here
45:23have been called the N-word?
45:27Okay, so
45:28I've always heard
45:29sticks and stones
45:30may break my bones,
45:31but words never hurt me, right?
45:32So I've always felt that, right?
45:34Until an incident,
45:35a racial incident
45:35happened at my kid's school, right?
45:36Some little white kid
45:37came to school,
45:38and he brought a picture
45:39of a monkey,
45:39and he showed all the kids.
45:40God, that's what all the black kids
45:41look like, right?
45:42It was a big old
45:43international incident
45:44in the San Fernando Valley, right?
45:46So all the parents
45:47came together
45:48from all these other schools.
45:49They started talking about race, right?
45:50They were going around
45:50the other parents,
45:51like, Chris,
45:51have you ever experienced
45:52anything like this?
45:54And I was like,
45:55yeah, you know.
45:55And I didn't realize
45:56it bothered me
45:57until I said this sentence.
45:57I was like, yeah.
45:58You know,
45:58this little white boy
45:59called me nigger
46:00when I was in the fifth grade,
46:00and I've been looking
46:01for him ever since.
46:07Oh, my, I have.
46:09I've been looking
46:09for this dude.
46:10Like, when MySpace was out,
46:12I would type his name in
46:13just to see where he was.
46:14Couldn't find him.
46:15Facebook.
46:17And then one day
46:17I was on Google,
46:18just checking.
46:20I realized I was
46:21spelling his name wrong.
46:22They gave me another
46:22spelling.
46:23I was like, oh,
46:24I found him.
46:26I'm about to go see you.
46:28I keep reading.
46:29I'm like, oh, my God.
46:30I can't go see this dude.
46:32I read that his kid
46:34died in a motorcycle accident.
46:36I'm like, oh, fuck.
46:37I can't go today.
46:43So I went the next day.
46:45He lived in Bakersfield
46:47or somewhere
46:47where they make meth.
46:51Straight white trash.
46:53He was a 55-year-old
46:55pool boy.
46:56I see him.
46:57I walk in.
46:58I'm like, what's up?
46:59He goes, how can I help you?
47:00I said, Chris Spencer,
47:01Old Stage Elementary School.
47:03In the fifth grade,
47:04you call me nigger.
47:05He's like, I did?
47:06I go, yeah.
47:07He said, are you here
47:07to kill me?
47:08I said, I'm not sure.
47:11I kind of just wanted you
47:12to see how big I am right now.
47:14He said, listen,
47:14whatever you're saying,
47:15I believe you.
47:16I'm sorry.
47:17I lived in a crazy house
47:19at the time.
47:20My dad was an alcoholic.
47:21My mother was on heroin.
47:23Me and my sister ran away.
47:24We got emancipated.
47:25I moved out here.
47:26I went to school.
47:26I got a college degree.
47:27I'm an ordained minister.
47:29And that church you drove up past
47:30on your way up here,
47:31that's my church.
47:33I'm a minister.
47:34I was like, God damn it.
47:37He said, what's wrong?
47:37What's wrong?
47:38I said, it's hard for me
47:39to kill you now
47:39that you brought up Jesus.
47:42He goes, well, listen,
47:43why don't we just hold hands
47:44and pray?
47:47I said, please.
47:50I held his hand.
47:51We started praying.
47:52Dear Heavenly Father,
47:53please forgive me
47:54for what I have done.
47:55Then he started
47:55to belittle me
47:56and help Christopher
47:59overcome words.
48:03All right?
48:04It's a word.
48:04It shouldn't affect you.
48:05I said, look at me, man.
48:07Words.
48:07I said, you know how damaging
48:08that word is?
48:09Yeah, just whatever.
48:10So I said, yo,
48:11you know what?
48:13Before I slap the shit
48:13out of you,
48:15Father,
48:16I'm going to leave.
48:18He's like, okay.
48:19I said, yeah.
48:20Oh, by the way,
48:21the only reason
48:21I'm not whooping your ass
48:22is because I read about
48:24your son dying
48:25in that motorcycle accident.
48:27He's like,
48:27it was my daughter, nigger,
48:28and he swung at me.
48:29I was like, oh.
48:31I slapped the shit
48:32out of him.
48:32Bow!
48:33He fell on the ground.
48:34I said, yeah,
48:34what you got to say now?
48:35He said, honey, go get it.
48:36I said, oh, you got a gun?
48:38Kicked him in his nuts.
48:38Bam!
48:39Babe, go get it!
48:39I said, oh,
48:40what you going to do?
48:41Yeah, go get it.
48:41I'm kicking him.
48:42Bam!
48:42Go get it!
48:43Bam!
48:43Go get it!
48:43She runs out.
48:44She hands him a bag.
48:46Here.
48:47I open it up.
48:48Chocolate chip cookies?
48:52My name is Chris Spencer, y'all.
48:53Thank you very,
48:56very,
48:57very much.
49:22Just live and go to Jason, right next to me.
49:28Remember real husbands?
49:30Yeah, that was a massive hit.
49:33Whenever funnies needed,
49:34the kings will come.
49:35He agreed Chris is the shit.
49:37Ask the man in black.
49:39Or the one named Fox.
49:41X-Heart, Dave, or Mike,
49:43and Chris knows he really rocks.
49:47I know that pin.
49:49Whoa, whoa.
49:51I know that pin.
49:53I know that pin.
49:55Mmm-hmm.
49:58He ain't done a special in a while.
50:02But he ain't been complacent.
50:05Mmm-hmm.
50:07Still making legends greater.
50:11But saying go to Jason.
50:16Go to Jason.
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