- 5 hours ago
- #jeevesandwooster
- #bbc
#jeevesandwooster #bbc https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5domZkB-eRa6BuFOO8OXaQ
Wooster with a Wife (or, Jeeves the Matchmaker)
Bertie decides he would like a child to brighten up his mundane life and considers adoption. After being mistaken for a burglar, he is coerced into giving a speech at a girls' school, which sours his view of children and knocks the idea on the head. Tuppy suffers broken bones whilst playing in a brutal village rugby match to impress new flame Daisy and Bingo subjects his uncle to endless readings from romantic novels to sweeten him up when Bingo starts dating a waitress. Such extreme behavior convinces Bertie that he is better off single.
Starring:
Hugh Laurie
Stephen Fry
Wooster with a Wife (or, Jeeves the Matchmaker)
Bertie decides he would like a child to brighten up his mundane life and considers adoption. After being mistaken for a burglar, he is coerced into giving a speech at a girls' school, which sours his view of children and knocks the idea on the head. Tuppy suffers broken bones whilst playing in a brutal village rugby match to impress new flame Daisy and Bingo subjects his uncle to endless readings from romantic novels to sweeten him up when Bingo starts dating a waitress. Such extreme behavior convinces Bertie that he is better off single.
Starring:
Hugh Laurie
Stephen Fry
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:04I don't know.
00:44¶¶
01:02Well, Tony can play, what?
01:04Absolutely. Did that girl in the blue hat remind you of someone?
01:07Er, no.
01:09Oh, no, of course not. You haven't met her. So it wouldn't.
01:12Met who?
01:13Well, this girl I'm talking about.
01:15No.
01:15She was a wonderful girl.
01:17How's Angela?
01:18Don't talk to me about Angela.
01:21Oh, right.
01:23So, what do you think the fellow with the gammy leg from the war is going to do in Act
01:26Two?
01:26Your cousin Angela is an A1 scourge, if you must know.
01:31Oh, come, come, Tony.
01:33This is my favourite cousin you're talking about.
01:35You know she's given me the push.
01:37No.
01:38She has.
01:39Simply because I was man enough to speak out candidly on the subject of a...
01:43...ghastly hat she was chump enough to buy.
01:45Huh.
01:47What do you mean, pho?
01:49Well, all I said was it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flowerpot.
01:53Which it did.
01:54Yes, well, they're not awfully keen on fearless honesty, I find...
01:57Well, your cousin Angela certainly isn't.
02:00Not about hats, anyway.
02:02Anyway.
02:03I have been down at Bleaching Court for the last week.
02:06You know, trying to forget.
02:08It's original Dalglish's place.
02:10I'm going to be staying there this weekend.
02:11Yes, I know.
02:12You'll be able to meet, er...
02:15Yes, well, never mind.
02:17Meet? Meet who?
02:18Cheers.
02:29Dash it, James.
02:30I wish you'd at least put it on another table for a change.
02:33So?
02:34I mean, every day, the same old time, you come in with the same old tray and put it on
02:37the same old table.
02:39Just fed up with the monotony.
02:41The bally-ballyness of it all makes it all seem so bally-bally.
02:47Would you like me to put it on another table, sir?
02:49No, no, no, no, Jeeves.
02:50No, I'm not blaming you.
02:51No, it's just...
02:52Oh, by Jove, I mean to say, I've been...
02:54I've been thinking pretty deeply these last few days, Jeeves, and, er...
02:58Well, I've come to the conclusion that mine is an empty life, Jeeves.
03:02I'm lonely.
03:03You have a great many friends, sir.
03:06Yes, I know, but...
03:08You know that play?
03:09Oh, what was his dash name?
03:11The one I saw last night.
03:13No, sir.
03:13Er, it's not what you call it.
03:15Anyway, the hero's a chap who's buzzing along through life, you know, quite merry and bright,
03:19er, apart from his gammy leg from the war,
03:21and all of a sudden this kid turns up and, er, says that she's his daughter,
03:25er, left over from Act One.
03:27Er, he's absolutely the first he's ever heard of it.
03:29Er, so, obviously, there's a bit of a fuss, and, er, they say to him, what ho, and he says,
03:35what ho,
03:36and, er, anyway, he takes the kid and they go off together out into the world.
03:41Well, very inspiring, sir.
03:43Yes, well, well, I thought so, yes.
03:46Well, what I'm driving at, Jeeves, is that, you know, I, I envied that chappy.
03:50You know, having a jolly little girl clinging to him trustingly and whatnot.
03:53Someone to look after, if you know what I mean.
03:55Um, yeah, I wish I had a daughter.
03:59I wonder what the procedure is.
04:01Marriage is, I believe, sir, the preliminary step
04:04for those willing to undergo its rigors.
04:07Yeah, yes, I suppose so.
04:10Ah, well.
04:12PHONE RINGS
04:24Telegram for you, isn't it?
04:26Oh.
04:40Rummy communication, this, Jeeves, from Mr Glossop.
04:43Indeed, sir.
04:44When you come down, bring my rugger boots.
04:46Also, Irish water spaniel.
04:48Urgent. Regards, tuppy.
04:51You know, I'm worried about Mr Glossop, Jeeves.
04:53From the way he was talking last night,
04:54I got the distinct impression that he's gone and got himself involved
04:57with that, uh, dull Gleesh girl down in Bleaching.
04:59Indeed, sir.
05:00Yes, apparently he's had some sort of bust-up with my cousin Angela.
05:03But I mean to say, Jeeves,
05:04if a girl can't, in the course of ordinary, everyday conversation,
05:07tell a chap to go and boil his head
05:08without said chap turning to the arms of another,
05:11well, I mean, where are we, Jeeves?
05:12Where indeed, sir?
05:14Oh, I think we owe it to my cousin Angela
05:16to prise tuppy apart from this interloper.
05:20Very good, sir.
05:21Allo, Jeeves.
05:22Les gants de monsieur, le chapeau de monsieur.
05:25Les gants de monsieur.
05:27I tell you what, Jeeves.
05:29Yes, sir.
05:29In Ray, our recent discussion of children, pattering feet and so forth,
05:32I could always marry Bobby Wickham.
05:34It started that way.
05:36Oh, now, Jeeves, I know we had an unfortunate experience
05:38the last time I was going to propose to her,
05:39but, uh, she's a good egg, Jeeves, you can't deny that.
05:42Well, sir.
05:42She's playing at the, uh,
05:44the South Hearts Ladies Tennis Championship today.
05:46Book us a couple of rooms at the local caravans for I.
05:48We'll pop in and see her on the way down to Bleaching.
05:49Very good, sir.
05:51Jeeves.
05:52Yes, sir?
05:53There is a tone that comes into your voice whenever I mention Miss Wickham.
05:56If I didn't know you better, I'd almost call it a sigh.
05:58Oh, no, sir.
05:59I'll try and eradicate it, Jeeves.
06:01Very good, sir.
06:02Miss Wickham is an absolute corker,
06:03and as such, is a worthy mother to my children.
06:05She may have her faults,
06:06but she's absolutely chock-full to the brim
06:08with fizz and ginger.
06:10Precisely, sir.
06:11Ah, ah, ah, ah, Jeeves.
06:13Very good, sir.
06:15Bertie!
06:17Bingo!
06:17I was just on my way to find you, Bertie.
06:19I wanted to ask you a question.
06:21Ask away, Bingo.
06:22Do you like the name Mabel?
06:25No.
06:26Oh.
06:27You don't think it has a certain music in it,
06:29like the wind rustling gently through the treetops?
06:32Uh, no.
06:33Oh.
06:34Oh, well, you wouldn't, of course.
06:36You always wear a fathead without any soul, weren't you?
06:38Come on.
06:38I'll take you to have lunch with her.
06:50I'm sure this is the right place, Bingo.
06:51Sit down, Bertie.
06:57I'll, I'll be going to wait for, um...
06:59Hello, Mabel.
07:00Hello.
07:01This is Bertie Worcester, a pal of mine.
07:03Pleased to meet you.
07:05Oh, hello, Mabel.
07:06You see, I'm wearing the tie.
07:09Suits you beautiful.
07:11What's it going to be today, then?
07:13I'll have my usual.
07:15Coco, feelin' empire,
07:17slice of fruitcake in a macaroon.
07:19You remember.
07:21Same for you, sir.
07:23No, no, no.
07:23I'll just have a roll of butter and a cup of coffee.
07:27Right.
07:32Well?
07:34Very nice.
07:35You don't think she's the most beautiful girl you ever saw?
07:38Absolutely.
07:41So what I thought was, Bertie, if you don't object,
07:43I'd like to put my problem to Jeeves.
07:46What problem?
07:47Uncle Mortimer, of course, you poor fish.
07:49What do you think he's going to say to my marrying Mabel?
07:52Oh, you're going to get married, are you?
07:54Of course we're going to get married.
07:56Oh, that's a coincidence.
07:57Because I've decided I'm going to marry Bobby Wickham.
07:59Oh, never mind that.
08:01He'll tie himself in knots on the hearth, right?
08:04Yeah.
08:04One of these emotional Johnnies, is he?
08:06I'm pretty well dependent on the old boy.
08:08If he cuts off my allowance, I shall be very much in the suit.
08:10Well, somehow or other, his mind has got to be prepared to receive the news.
08:14But how?
08:15Oh.
08:18Well, that's a fat lot of help.
08:24Well, sir, have you sorted out, Bingo?
08:32Good heavens, Jeeves.
08:34Is that an Irish water spaniel?
08:35No, sir.
08:36No such animal was available at short notice.
08:39I thought an Irish wolfhound would make an acceptable approximation.
08:43I don't know, Jeeves.
08:44Toppy was pretty specific in his telegram.
08:46What about the ruggaboos?
08:47I collected them from his housekeeper, sir.
08:50Good, good.
08:51Well, Bingo's got a bit of a problem, Jeeves.
08:54Delicate subject, Jeeves, as a matter of fact.
08:57Very good, sir.
09:01Jeeves?
09:04What on earth's the matter, Jeeves?
09:07Jeeves?
09:08I apologise, sir.
09:09It was unforgivable of me.
09:11I shall be better directly.
09:13It's just Mr. Little's tie, sir.
09:17It has little horseshoes on it.
09:20Oh, yes, yes, I noticed that.
09:22It's sometimes difficult just to shrug these things off, sir.
09:27However, what was it, sir, that Mr. Little needed advice on?
09:31It's about his uncle.
09:32Would that be Lord Bittlesham, who lives in Pounceby Gardens, sir?
09:36How do you know he lives in Pounceby Gardens?
09:39I'm on terms of some intimacy with Lord Bittlesham's cook, sir.
09:43In fact, there is an understanding.
09:46Do you mean you're engaged?
09:47It might be said to amount to that, sir, yes.
09:50Well, well, well.
09:52She is an excellent cook, sir.
09:56Sir?
09:57My uncle Mortimer is quite likely to cut off my allowance.
10:00So, you see, penury is staring me in the face, Jeeves.
10:03One thing does occur, sir.
10:05I was speaking to Lord Bittlesham's valet only the other day,
10:08and he was telling me that it has become his principal duty
10:11to read to Lord Bittlesham in the evenings.
10:14If I were you, sir, I would volunteer to take over that particular task.
10:19Ah, old man moved by nephew's kindly action, you mean?
10:23Partly that, sir.
10:25I was relying, however, more on Mr. Little's choice of literature.
10:28If you were to read to your uncle, day by day,
10:31a series of narratives in which marriage of young persons of inferior social status
10:36is held up to be both admirable and feasible,
10:38then I fancy it might prepare Lord Bittlesham's mind for the news
10:42that his nephew wishes to marry a waitress in a tea shop.
10:46Uh, well, are there any books like that nowadays?
10:48Oh, a great many, sir.
10:49Have you never encountered The Courtship of Lord Strathmorelick by Rosie M. Banks?
10:54Nope.
10:55Nor Only a Factory Girl by the same author?
10:59Never.
11:01My aunt owns almost a complete set of Rosie M. Banks, sir.
11:05I could easily borrow as many volumes as you might require.
11:08They make light, attractive reading.
11:11All right, then, Jeeves.
11:12You toddle off to your aunts and grab a couple of the fruitiest.
11:14May as well give it a dash, eh?
11:16What do you say, Bingo?
11:17Oh, anything.
11:17Anything, Bertie.
11:18I'll start straight away.
11:28All right, take the luggage round to the hotel, Jeeves,
11:31and I'll see you later.
11:31Very good, sir.
11:32And, uh, wish me luck with Miss Wycombe, Jeeves.
11:34I do, sir.
11:35I do.
11:36Most happily.
11:46What ho, Bobby?
11:47Where on earth have you been, Bertie?
11:49My match starts in five minutes.
11:52This is my cousin, Clementino.
11:54You're to look after her till I've finished.
11:56Wish me luck.
12:00Oh, Clementino.
12:01Was that your car that you came in?
12:03With the dog?
12:04Yes.
12:05My father's got a bench here.
12:08Really?
12:09Oh, well.
12:10I may as well.
12:10And Clover, and what's the match, eh?
12:12They've got strawberries in the tea tent.
12:14Um, excuse me.
12:17Excuse me.
12:18Excuse me.
12:19Oh, it's strawberry.
12:21Mm.
12:32Mm.
12:37You didn't get any lemonade.
12:45Happy birthday!
12:47Happy birthday!
12:48Happy birthday!
13:00Happy birthday!
13:03Happy birthday!
13:05I saw a boy eating one.
13:11Excuse me.
13:12Sorry.
13:12Sorry.
13:17Game to Miss Wickham.
13:19Miss Wickham leads four games to three.
13:30Excuse me.
13:31I'm so sorry.
13:32Sorry.
13:32Here we go.
13:38Oh!
13:41Game set and match to Miss Wickham.
13:56Terrific, wasn't it?
13:57You were wonderful.
13:58We are awfully good of you to rally round, Bertie.
14:01Well, you're not going.
14:02I promised to take Clementina to tea.
14:05Oh, yes, yes.
14:06I expect you'll need some nourishment, yes.
14:08Bye-bye.
14:09But, Bobby, there was something I wanted to say to you.
14:14You can give me dinner at the Mariners, if you like.
14:17Bye.
14:18This may well be it, Jeeves.
14:20It, sir?
14:21Pitching the wool, Jeeves.
14:22Not to rule out popping the question.
14:24Lights will be low, the wine will be flowing.
14:27I'm sure I wish you every good fortune, sir.
14:30I only hope that the dog will not impede your endeavors.
14:34Patrick?
14:34Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.
14:37It is, if you recall, sir, my evening off.
14:40I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book.
14:44Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?
14:47He will pine for you, sir.
14:49He pined most pathetically this afternoon.
14:52He becomes excitable when he pines.
14:58Well, come along, Patrick.
15:06Oh, come on, Bobby.
15:08She's forgotten, Patrick.
15:09I know it.
15:14Hello, Mr. Worcester.
15:18Oh, come on.
15:18Are we late?
15:20No, no.
15:23Uh...
15:24This is Patrick.
15:25Clementina loves animals.
15:27Of course, she's not allowed to have them at school.
15:29What can you expect of a dump like St. Monica's?
15:31No, no.
15:32He's sweet.
15:35Uh, Bobby, I, um...
15:37I wanted to ask you something.
15:42We shouldn't let the waiters tease the dog like that.
15:45No, no.
15:46I suppose not.
15:48Uh, Bobby, there comes a time in a man's life...
15:51Are we going to have ice cream?
15:56And a double 19 to finish, I think.
16:02Thank you, gentlemen.
16:04Most enjoyable.
16:05Wherever did you learn to play like that, Mr. Jeans?
16:08One picks these things up as one passes through life, my dear.
16:12That was lovely, Bertie.
16:14Oh, well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Bobby, because, uh...
16:18Well, what I mean to say is...
16:19Do you think Patrick would be sick if we gave him some ice cream?
16:22Yes.
16:23Uh, Bobby...
16:24We've known each other a long time.
16:27And...
16:27Excuse me, Miss Wickham.
16:28Your car is here.
16:30Oh.
16:31Oh, no.
16:32Look at the time.
16:34Car?
16:34I'll just catch the 9.45 if I hurry.
16:38I absolutely promise to go to a party tonight in London.
16:41A party? But...
16:42Oh, Bertie.
16:43Could you do me a terrific favour?
16:45Well, yes, all right.
16:47Take Clementina back to school for me, will you?
16:50School?
17:04Oh, bless you, Bertie. You're an angel in human form.
17:07Well...
17:08Oh, there is one thing.
17:09One thing?
17:10Clementine's meant to be in bed.
17:13Oh, you didn't come out without leave.
17:15Oh, now, look, Bobby.
17:16Oh, you must learn not to fuss so, Bertie.
17:19Oh, I must, must I?
17:21It's perfectly simple.
17:22First, you need a good long piece of string.
17:25You know what string is, don't you?
17:27Certainly, as in string.
17:28Good.
17:28You take the string with you.
17:30And when you get to the garden, Clem will show you where you find the flower pots.
17:33Grab one of those and then go to the conservatory.
17:35Beside the conservatory, there's a tree.
17:37Climb this tree and...
17:39Hold on a minute.
17:40I really don't have time for you to keep on interrupting, Bertie.
17:43Climb the tree, tie the string onto the flower pot.
17:46Climb down the tree, holding onto the string, retire to a safe distance and then let go.
17:50The flower pot drops and smashes the glass.
17:52While someone comes out to investigate, Clem sneaks in and goes up to bed.
17:56All right?
17:58Tree, flower pot, conservatory, string.
18:04Ah, Jeeves.
18:06So, what happened to the quiet evening with an improving book?
18:09I felt the need for a change of air, sir.
18:12Ah, well, Jeeves.
18:13Now you'll no doubt be surprised to learn that something in the nature of a hitch has occurred.
18:18Did your proposal meet with a sympathetic ear, sir?
18:21No, it did not, Jeeves.
18:22As a matter of fact, it didn't meet with any ear at all.
18:34Right, now, as it's your night off, Jeeves, your part of the proceedings is simplicity itself.
18:38You just have to sit here and look after Patrick.
18:40Very good, sir.
18:41Um, a thought has just occurred to me, sir.
18:44This is no time for thought, Jeeves.
18:45Come along, come and see now.
18:57The conservatory's over there.
18:59And that's where the flowerpots are.
19:02Right.
19:03Well, ah, goodbye, Clementina.
19:05Good luck.
19:07Oh, yes.
19:08Ahem.
19:16Ahem.
19:18Ahem.
19:19Ahem.
19:20Ahem.
19:21Ahem.
19:22Ahem.
19:23Ahem.
19:25Wow.
19:25That's right.
19:36You're doing something.
19:36Jennie, ahem.
19:36Ahem.
19:37I don't know.
19:59Come back here, you.
20:00Hear you.
20:01Come back here, you.
20:02Right.
20:20All right, all right, come down out of there, you.
20:37Barbara tossed her auburn curls rebelliously. Her dark eyes flashed. Her father might be only a mill hand, but she
20:46had the pride of the Ormskirks. That same pride that had prompted her grandfather, old Stanley Ormskirk, to stand firm
20:53when threatened with eviction from his humble cottage by Lord Grantchester for refusing to doff his camp.
21:02Get mistress to see the prisoner, Constable.
21:05Oh, very good, Sarge.
21:08I am so sorry, Mr Worcester. This is a disgrace.
21:13Oh, right.
21:14I shall be eternally grateful for the trouble you have taken.
21:19Well, you know.
21:20You have behaved with great courage.
21:23You identify this man, Miss Mapleton?
21:25Identify him? Of course I identify him.
21:28You are an imbecile, officer.
21:31You have bungled this whole affair by mistaking Mr Worcester for a burglar.
21:36He was up a tree, ma'am.
21:38Of course he was up a tree.
21:42No doubt you had climbed the tree in order to watch the better, Mr Worcester.
21:50Ah, yes. Yes, that's right. Absolutely. To watch the better. Got it in one.
21:54The officer is a fool, Mr Worcester.
21:57By this time, no doubt, thanks to his idiocy, the miscreants you spotted have made good their escape.
22:05Probably.
22:06Release, Mr Worcester, at once, Sergeant.
22:08Release this man, Constable.
22:16Perhaps I should drive Miss Stapleton to the school zone.
22:20Ah, well, yes, of course.
22:21No, no, I intend to walk.
22:23Perhaps I shall catch sight of those desperados as I go.
22:27Good night, Mr Worcester.
22:29Good night.
22:29Mr Jeeves, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
22:35Thank you very much, ma'am.
22:37Now, Jeeves, perhaps you'll be good enough to explain to me what on earth has been going on.
22:41It occurred to me, sir, that the most judicious course of action
22:44was simply for me to ring the doorbell and request an interview with Miss Mapleton.
22:49And while the maid had gone to inform her mistress
22:51to introduce Miss Clementina into the house unobserved.
22:54Ah, and you told the old dragon that I was on my way to call them home
22:57and was now out in the garden chivvying burglars with my bare hands.
23:00Precisely, sir.
23:01Ah, Jeeves, I should have been guided by you from the first.
23:03It might have spared some temporary unpleasantness, sir.
23:08Talking of which, Jeeves, you know, I've been thinking about adoption.
23:14Adoption, sir?
23:15Yes, I mean, adopting a kid.
23:17You can adopt them, you know.
23:18And it saves all this marriage, malarkey.
23:20But what I want to know is how to start about it.
23:23The process, I imagine, is highly complicated and laborious, sir.
23:27It would cut into your spare time.
23:29Well, I wouldn't cut into it half as much as marrying Miss Wickham.
23:32Oh, by the way, Jeeves, what did Miss Mapleton mean about seeing us tomorrow?
23:36Um, in order to lend verisimilitude to my story, sir,
23:40I informed her that you were a renowned orator, sir,
23:43currently on a tour of the home counties.
23:46Good Lord, Jeeves.
23:48Upon learning this, Miss Mapleton was most anxious for you to address the girls of the school.
23:54I didn't like to disappoint her.
23:57What?
23:59I hope I did the right thing, sir.
24:07Girls, I have a treat in store for you this morning.
24:10One of our great public speakers has taken time from his busy schedule
24:15to address you with a few words of wisdom.
24:19Mr. Bertram Worcester.
24:24Many greetings to you.
24:27Many greetings to you.
24:30Many greetings, Mr. John.
24:33Many greetings to you.
24:39Ah, um, well, um...
24:54Um, well, ladies.
24:59Gareth?
25:01Um, good morning.
25:03Uh, that is to say, what-o?
25:07Uh, well...
25:10Perhaps, uh, Mr. Worcester will give you a few words of advice
25:14which may be helpful to you in afterlife.
25:18Right, yes.
25:20Uh, well, um...
25:24Oh, yes, now, here's something
25:26that's often done me a bit of good.
25:28Uh, and it's something that not many people know.
25:30Oh.
25:37Uh, yes, well, anyway.
25:39Um, my Uncle Henry, uh, gave me the tip
25:41when I first came to London.
25:43Uh, never forget, my boy, he said,
25:45that, uh, that if you stand outside Romano's in the Strand,
25:48uh, you can see the clock
25:50on the wall of the law courts down in Fleet Street.
25:52Now, most people who don't know this
25:53wouldn't think it was possible
25:54because there are a couple of hefty-looking churches
25:56in the middle of the road
25:57and, uh, you'd think they'd get in the way,
25:58but they don't.
25:59You can, and, uh, it's, well, it's, it's worth knowing.
26:02Uh, you can win a lot of money, he used to say,
26:05uh, by betting on it with fellows
26:06who, who, who haven't found it out.
26:09Uh, and, uh, by joke, he was absolutely right.
26:12Um, it, it really is a thing to remember.
26:15Um, yes, many's the, many's the quid I won.
26:18Uh, perhaps, Mr. Worcester,
26:20a little story might be in order,
26:23some anecdote to illustrate the benefits
26:25of hard work, study, and healthy living.
26:29A story, right.
26:32Ooh, um, if I can remember stories.
26:36Uh, oh, yes, here, here, here's, here's one I heard recently.
26:38Um, it, uh, it, it seems that there was this chorus girl
26:42who should make this step back.
26:46Oh, Mr. Worcester, wasn't that splendid, girls?
26:49We will now sing the school song.
26:58Let's go, Deavs.
27:01Your address was successful, I trust, sir.
27:03Oh, yes, yes, it went like a breeze.
27:05Ah, I'm going to move on, Deavs.
27:09The tall, young man smiled crookedly,
27:12lifting his oil-grimed hands in helpless apology.
27:16Myrtle's eyes flashed.
27:18She tossed her blonde curls.
27:21She was not to know that this figure in stained overalls
27:25and with a worn cloth cap set at a jaunty angle
27:28atop a head of unruly curls
27:30was the 14th Earl Strathmorenick of Strathmorenick,
27:34Lord Highkeeper of Danoon Castle
27:36and layered of 10,000 fertile acres
27:39in his native-dom, Finchshire.
27:42I do trust that your experience at St. Monica's
27:45has not spoiled your taste for the adoption of young girls, sir.
27:48Well, I must confess, it has given me pause, Jeeves.
27:51Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls
27:53are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?
27:56Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.
28:00But we must console ourselves with the thought
28:02that life without the blessings of children
28:04does have its compensations.
28:07No, Jeeves. No, no, no.
28:09I'm too young to give in to such cynicism.
28:11I'm an idealist, Jeeves.
28:13Very good, sir.
28:14My sister, Mrs. Schulfield, is coming back from India soon.
28:17She's the one with the three little girls.
28:19I refuse to believe that my own kith and kin
28:21can be described as hard-bitten thugs.
28:24We must as may have our faults,
28:26but hard-bitten thuggery has never been one of them.
28:28Well, sir, I can give up the flat
28:30and take a house for them all to come and live with us.
28:33Indeed, sir.
28:34I can be a proper uncle to them.
28:56You observe the large-ish, corn-fed girl, Jeeves?
28:59Yes, sir.
29:00Typical tuppy fodder.
29:02Even at this distance,
29:03one can tell that his ears are distinctly pinkish.
29:13Hello, Bertie.
29:14Hello, tuppy.
29:14This is Miss Dalglish.
29:18How do you do?
29:18Here, here.
29:19Mummy and Daddy are in the sitting room,
29:20I think, if you want some tea.
29:24What on earth's that?
29:27It's an Irish wolfhound.
29:28It's for you.
29:31That's no good to me.
29:33I asked for an Irish water spaniel.
29:35Well, they run out.
29:36Oh, really, Bertie?
29:39You coming, Hildebrand?
29:40Yes, yes.
29:41I'm just coming, Daisy.
29:48Sinister, Jeeves.
29:49You notice the subject was looking like a stuffed frog?
29:52There is something reneying in Mr Glossop's aspect, sir,
29:56here, particularly about the eyes.
29:58Precisely, Jeeves.
29:59I think our fears are justified.
30:01The thing seems serious.
30:05Heard from Angela at all, tuppy?
30:07No, I have not.
30:08And I have no wish to hear from a little blighter.
30:13Angela's awfully fond of you, you know.
30:15Oh, is she indeed?
30:16Well, she's got a dash funny way of showing it.
30:18Yes, well, they do have, tuppy.
30:20They don't like us.
30:22In passing, old boy,
30:23what did you want with a water spaniel?
30:24I wanted to give it to Daisy.
30:28Look, Bertie.
30:29I might as well tell you.
30:32I'm in love at last.
30:34It's the real thing.
30:35Oh, how different she is, Bertie,
30:37from those hothouse, artificial London girls.
30:40I mean, would they stand all afternoon in the mud
30:43watching a rugger match?
30:44Would they know what to give an Alsatian for fits?
30:47I mean, would they tramp 10 miles a day
30:49across the fields and come back as fresh as paint?
30:51No.
30:52Why should they?
30:55You wouldn't understand, Bertie.
30:58Anyway, she set her heart on an Irish water spaniel.
31:01It's a dash nuisance you couldn't get one.
31:03Well, give her your rugger boots.
31:05Oh, by the way, what did you want them for?
31:07Look, I happen to be playing in a match tomorrow.
31:10Upper bleaching versus Hockley-cum-Meston.
31:13Well, Daisy was rather keen that I help Upper bleaching out.
31:16Oh, so you'll be playing for Hockley.
31:22Very funny.
31:23No, it's not like an ordinary rugger match.
31:26In fact, it's not really rugby at all.
31:29Apart from anything else, they play in the middle of summer
31:31and the two villages absolutely loathe each other.
31:34And the rules are a bit more, well, relaxed.
31:38It started long before rugby was invented.
31:41First game was played in Henry VIII's time, you know.
31:44Lasted from noon till sunset, and seven players were killed.
31:49Killed?
31:50And two spectators.
31:51Oh, but it's not like that anymore, Daddy.
31:54Three years since anybody actually died, isn't it?
31:57Yes, I know.
31:58Still, damn good fun, though.
32:00Hildiband's going to be the hero of the village.
32:09Eileen tossed her dark curls scornfully.
32:12Perhaps she did only work in a cigarette shop.
32:15Perhaps her dress was thin, cheap cotton,
32:18and patched and worn, too.
32:21Nevertheless, she had her pride.
32:23The name Ormerod was an old one.
32:26Since time immemorial,
32:27there had been Ormerods in Blackchester.
32:30What did she care for the Phazacalys
32:32with their fancy ways?
32:44The citizenry of Upper Bleaching seem to look forward to this match each year.
32:48He has a chance to settle old scores with a neighbouring village.
32:51A common enough circumstance in the sporting world, sir.
32:54Yes, sir, we must act swiftly in order to save Tuppy.
32:57He refuses to do the sensible thing and slide out,
33:00because the girl will be watching the game,
33:02and he says it'll make him feel like a knight of old,
33:04jousting under the eyes of his lady.
33:06It does sound like an acute case, sir.
33:08Yes, so we must employ dial.
33:11You'll go to London first thing in the morning, Jeeves,
33:12and send a telegram, signed Angela,
33:15which will read as follows.
33:20What would a girl say, Jeeves,
33:21who, having had a row with the bird she was engaged to,
33:24because he said that she looked like a raccoon in her new hat,
33:26wanted to extend the olive branch?
33:29If I might suggest, sir, I fancy the following,
33:32as from Miss Angela's mother might meet the case.
33:35Return immediately,
33:37Angela seriously ill and delirious,
33:40calling your name piteously,
33:41and saying something about you being right about the hat.
33:45Catch the earliest possible train,
33:48Dalio Travers.
33:50Yes, well done, Jeeves, yes.
33:52Just one more spot of devilish cunning.
33:55Send it off in time for it to arrive at 2.30.
33:58By then, Tuppy will have started for the ground.
34:00I'll take it down and hand it to him
34:01during some lull in the battle.
34:02By that time,
34:04he'll have discovered what sort of rugged match he's in for.
34:20Come on!
34:24Good luck, Hildiband!
34:26I'm doing it for you, Daisy!
34:40We've got the bull!
34:44We'll play until the ground!
34:46We're ready!
34:46Hey!
35:08Have you got anyone called Glassop?
35:11You've got an urgent telegram.
35:23Oh, afternoon sir. Telegram for Glassop.
35:25Yes, thank you. I'll take it.
35:51Where do you think you're going, Shawty?
36:02Mr. Glassop's a earthly brave, isn't he?
36:04He's a damn fool.
36:29How's it going?
36:30A quiet match so far.
36:40Tapping out, man.
36:41What?
36:42Uh, telegram for you.
36:44Do you think I've got time for telegrams now?
36:46Oh, but this one may be fearfully urgent.
36:48Uh, here it is.
36:51Oh, gosh.
36:52I left it at the house.
36:53Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
36:54No, but it does.
36:55I mean, it probably does.
36:57There's probably something you ought to read at once.
36:58If I were you, I'd just say a few quick words of farewell to the murder squad and come out.
37:02Come back to the house right away.
37:03Do you think I'm going to sneak away under her very eyes?
37:07Good God!
37:09Besides, I'm not leaving the field until I've thoroughly disemboweled that blonde-haired bounder.
37:15Do you notice the way he keeps on tackling me when I haven't got the ball?
37:18Isn't that right?
37:22Of course it's not right!
37:24Well, I'll tell you one thing.
37:27A bitter retribution awaits that bird, Bertie.
37:30From now on, I'm going to assert my personality.
37:36What, no, Tuffy!
37:36I really think you ought to come and read the telegram.
37:43No!
37:45No!
37:50No!
37:55No!
37:56Come on, Hildenburg!
38:00Come on!
38:02Take that!
38:06Take it!
38:07Take it!
38:09Come on!
38:11Take it, keep it!
38:11Take it!
38:11Take it!
38:12You're well done, all right!
38:13You're well done!
38:19It's a try, it's a try.
38:22Scored!
38:25And Jody well scored!
38:35First time anyone's scored since 1883.
38:38I'm 83!
38:45Bertie!
38:46Hello, Bingo. What are you doing here?
38:49Can't stop.
38:53Bertie, you've got to come back to London with me.
38:55Why?
38:58You've got to have lunch with my uncle tomorrow.
39:00Why should I have lunch with your uncle?
39:04Because he wants you to.
39:05Me? He doesn't know I exist.
39:08Oh, yes, he does. I've told him about you.
39:10What have you told him?
39:11Oh, various things.
39:16Where's Daisy?
39:17She's not here, old chap.
39:19I had to go to London.
39:20I'll tell her you were asking.
39:22Well played, by the by.
39:24What did she go to London for?
39:26Well, she got this message.
39:31Jeeves! You're back!
39:33Yes, sir. I arrived shortly after the second half,
39:35well in time to seems to gossip-score his try.
39:39Try?
39:40Oh, my gosh, Jeeves.
39:41What does that mean we've failed?
39:43Mr. Oakley's will be all over him, calling him a hero.
39:46I doubt that, sir.
39:48Really, Jeeves?
39:48I say, Jeeves, that wheeze of yours of reading to my uncle
39:50was an absolute corker.
39:53Thank you, sir.
39:55Excuse me. Excuse me.
39:57Tuffy, what happened?
39:58I've broken my leg.
39:59That's what's happened.
40:00And she wasn't even there.
40:02Hello, Tuffy.
40:03Haven't seen you for ages.
40:05I've met this most wonderful girl, Tuffy.
40:06If Mabel her name is...
40:07I mean, you wouldn't believe how beautiful she is.
40:12I swept myself to the boat first.
40:15I allow a mob of homicidal lunatics to kick me in the ribs
40:19and stroll about all over my face.
40:21And what do I find?
40:22She hasn't even bothered to say to the end of the game.
40:24Mabel's very fond of football.
40:26Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
40:28She gets a message from someone in London
40:30who tells her he's got an Irish water spaniel for sale.
40:33So, of course, up she pops in her car, leaving me flat.
40:36Mabel's brother plays for Woolwich Arsenal, as a matter of fact.
40:41Oh, thank you, Jeeves.
40:44Might I inquire, sir?
40:45Are we proposing to return to the metropolis tomorrow?
40:48Oh, yes, I think so.
40:51Any particular reason?
40:53I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon
40:55that I'm anxious not to miss, sir.
40:58It was you, wasn't it, Jeeves?
41:00Sir?
41:00Who told Miss, er...
41:02What's her ballet name, about the alleged water spaniel?
41:05Yes, sir.
41:06Yes, I thought I detected the touch.
41:07You knew she'd go buzzing up to London and miss the game?
41:10Yes, sir.
41:11Yes, and you knew how tough he would react.
41:13If there's one thing that gives a jousting knight the pit,
41:15it's having his audience walk out on him.
41:18Very true, sir.
41:27Look!
41:28There she is, see?
41:29Now she's got her blasted Irish water spaniel,
41:32she can't even be bothered to say goodbye to me.
41:36Open the door.
41:41Do you know she had the almighty gall to come and visit me in hospital last night?
41:45Did I ever tell you about the time Mabel and I went to the races at Sandown?
41:50All she could talk about was that blasted animal.
41:52Ugly beast, if you ask my opinion.
41:54Mabel would never do that.
41:56Mabel and I have a code.
41:57To think I fancied I loved a girl like that.
42:00I mean, a perfect life partner she'd make, I don't think.
42:03I mean, if you married a girl like that,
42:04she'd be bringing you home from the Siberian Eelhound before you knew it.
42:11Oh, Tubby, I forgot to give you your telegram.
42:19Oh, what a wonderful girl she is!
42:22Who's that, Tubby?
42:23Well, Angela, of course.
42:25Oh, really?
42:25Oh, she understands me, Bertie.
42:28She understands me like no other girl in the world!
42:38What I can't understand, Bingo, is why your uncle should ask a fellow to lunch.
42:42I mean, he's never seen.
42:43Well, to tell you the truth, Bertie,
42:45I want you to spring the news on him about my marrying Mabel.
42:48Having the nerve myself.
42:49What?
42:50Hang if I do!
42:53Good morning, Mr. Little.
42:55His lordship is expecting you.
42:57No, no, if you think that...
43:00Mr. Worcester, I am proud, I am gratified, I am honoured.
43:04Oh, ah.
43:06So young to have accomplished so much.
43:08Well, you know.
43:10Yes, well, we can talk properly over lunch.
43:13Miss Watson has prepared a very special repast.
43:16Oh, Richard, little Margaret will be having lunch with us.
43:18I hope you don't mind.
43:19I, uh, just go and fetch her.
43:24What's he talking about?
43:26Oh, Margaret's my little cousin.
43:27She's all right.
43:28No, no, I mean about me having accomplished something or other.
43:31I haven't accomplished anything.
43:32Have I?
43:33The fact is, Bertie, I know you won't mind.
43:36I told him you were the author of those books I've been reading to him.
43:41What?
43:41I said Rosie M. Banks was your pen name.
43:44He'll listen to you now.
43:45Absolutely hang on your words.
43:47Pitch it strong, Bertie, and keep steadily before you the fact that my allowance must be raised.
43:55What amazes me, Mr. Worcester, is that a man so young as you should be able to plumb human nature
43:59so surely to its depths.
44:02To play with so unerring a hand upon the quivering heartstrings of your reader.
44:08Oh, just a knack.
44:11How many words are there in a novel, Mr. Worcester?
44:15Words?
44:17Well, I never count. Just let it all come, that's what I say.
44:21Well, how many are there on a page?
44:25On a page?
44:27Er, well, er, 20 or 30.
44:30I mean, depends on the page.
44:32Er, about 200.
44:36About 1,000, more or less.
44:37I mean, on a single page, you mean?
44:40Yes, about 10,000.
44:42I mean, that would be one of the bigger pages.
44:46Er, have you got a book handy?
44:48It's not important, Mr. Worcester.
44:50What is important, Margaret, is Mr. Worcester's splendid defiance of the outworn fetishes of a purblind social system.
44:57In the magnificent words of Lord Batchmore in, er, Only a Factory Girl.
45:01Be her origins ne'er so humble.
45:04A good woman is equal to the finest lady on earth.
45:11Ah, so you think it's all right for a chap in what you might call a certain social position to
45:15marry a girl of what you might call the lower classes?
45:19Oh, assuredly, Mr. Worcester.
45:21Bingo wants to marry a waitress.
45:24Richard?
45:26I honour you.
45:28You don't object?
45:29On the contrary.
45:32Well, I, I, I hope you don't think I'm butting in here, but, er, his allowance for all that, he
45:35was, he was rather hoping that you might see your way clear to jerking up the total a bit.
45:39Oh, I fear that can hardly be managed. It would not be fair to my wife.
45:44But you're not married, Uncle?
45:45Not yet, but I intend to enter that holy state almost immediately.
45:48Under the influence of Mr. Worcester's splendid books, I have persuaded Miss Watson, the lady who for so many years
45:54has cooked so wonderfully for me, to accept my hand in marriage.
46:09No, it would be fair.
46:43You know what, Jeans?
46:45No, sir.
46:47This is jolly nice.
46:48I mean, looking at the clock and wondering if you're going to be late
46:52with the good old drinks and then you coming in with a tray
46:55always exactly on time and shoving it down on the table
46:57and then biffing off and then the next night
47:00coming in, shoving it down, biffing off and then the next night
47:04gives one a sort of safe, restful feeling.
47:06Soothing, that's the word.
47:08It is soothing, isn't it, sir?
47:10Hmm.
47:12Nevertheless, Jeeves, I must ask you to brace up and bite the bullet.
47:16I'm afraid I have bad news for you, Jeeves.
47:18That scheme of yours about reading those books to Bingo's uncle,
47:21well, I'm afraid it's blown out a fuse.
47:24They did not soften him, sir?
47:25They did, Jeeves.
47:26That's the whole ballet problem.
47:28I'm sorry to say that your fiancé, Miss Watson, you know, the cook.
47:32Well, the long and the short of it is, Jeeves,
47:34that she appears to have chosen riches instead of honest worth,
47:37if you know what I mean.
47:38So?
47:40Well, she has handed you the mitten
47:42and gone off and got engaged to Lord Bittlesham.
47:44Indeed, sir.
47:47Well, you don't seem very upset, Jeeves.
47:49To tell the truth, sir,
47:50I was not wholly averse
47:52to the severance of my relations with Miss Watson.
47:54I respect Miss Watson exceedingly,
47:57but I've seen for some time
47:58that she and I were not suited.
48:00Now, the other young person
48:02with whom I have an understanding...
48:04Good Lord, Jeeves.
48:05There isn't another.
48:07Yes, sir.
48:08By an odd coincidence, sir,
48:11it is the same young person
48:12in whom Mr. Little has been so interested.
48:15What, Mabel?
48:17Yes, sir.
48:19Good Lord, Jeeves.
48:22Well, poor old Bingo.
48:26Shall I contact the estate agents tomorrow, sir?
48:31Estate agents, Jeeves?
48:32I understood that it was your intention
48:34to take a house of sufficient size
48:36for Mrs. Schofield and her three young ladies
48:39to live with you.
48:40Oh, no, no.
48:40Hold on, no.
48:41That's all off, Jeeves.
48:42No, young ladies.
48:44Fiends, Jeeves.
48:44Fiends, every one of them.
48:46Now, how they ever grow up
48:47into those adorable creatures
48:48that we know and love,
48:50I cannot fathom.
48:51Now, I shall continue
48:52the monk-like existence
48:54which has characterized
48:54my life hitherto.
48:56Very good, sir.
48:57Oh, well, perhaps another
48:58small whiskey and soda
48:59might be called for.
49:01Very good, sir.
49:31Büro and a wine of the
49:32coffee and soda
49:32dużo turns
49:32to go out.
49:32Jude,
Comments