- 15 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:07I've just moved in with the world's biggest idiot.
00:11I've moved in.
00:12Congratulations.
00:18There's this bloke called Graham at the gym,
00:20and he was saying that I should...
00:22You look lovely in that.
00:24I look disgusting.
00:26Right, I'm off to Pilates.
00:28Do you want a lift, lover?
00:29Graham's here.
00:30We got robbed at work, and they took my phone.
00:33Oh, bloody hell.
00:34Don't blow us in there.
00:36There's this bloke called Graham at the gym.
00:38We're going.
00:39You are being so suspicious today.
00:42What's this?
00:45Don't you dare get married before me.
00:48I think at one point you thought I was going to ask you to marry me.
00:51Why would I want to marry you?
00:53Fucking stink!
00:55Don't ask her to marry you, Steve.
00:56OK, look, I know we like to have a bit of banter between the two of us,
00:59but let's just be serious for a minute,
01:01and I will be talking to your dad as well.
01:03If you ask her to marry you, I'll break your fucking neck.
01:13Hmm.
01:16How was your graham?
01:17Oh, boring.
01:19I wish I had to talk about dead people.
01:21Ugh.
01:22They're dead.
01:22Get over it, do you know what I mean?
01:29What have you been doing?
01:32What?
01:33I made a bit of a mess in the bedroom.
01:36It's horrible.
01:38You better have a look.
01:43Have you done a poo in there?
01:45Of course I haven't done a poo in there.
01:48Do you think I'm the sort of man who'd do a poo in his bedroom
01:50and get his girlfriend to go and look at it?
01:54Just go and have a look.
01:56Do you know what I mean, though?
01:57Just because someone's dead doesn't make them interesting.
02:04Oh, my God.
02:06Steve?
02:09Have you got a new telly?
02:11I know.
02:22And also, it's cider.
02:28Oh, my God.
02:29Nine percent.
02:32Wait there.
02:34Oh, you've got skills.
03:02You haven't got skills.
03:08What are you supposed to do when you see your doctor in the street?
03:14Fuck me!
03:16Hm? What's that?
03:18I saw my doctor at a bus stop.
03:20I didn't know whether to say hello or not.
03:23Oh.
03:25Kind of awkward, isn't it, cos he's, like, 60,
03:27and he's a nice bloke.
03:29About the same time he's had his finger up my arse.
03:33Have you had some?
03:34No.
03:45Well, no wonder it was only a tenner.
03:53So...
03:55Why are you being creepy?
03:57I'm not all. What do you mean creepy?
03:59Shutting the door.
04:00Your face is creepy. Stop it.
04:04Would you mind if I just said something?
04:05That's such a creepy thing to say.
04:07Becky.
04:09Okay.
04:17My dearest darling, Rebecca.
04:21Today is our first anniversary.
04:23Rebecca? You're such a knob.
04:25Just let me finish.
04:26Oh, I haven't taken my pill.
04:29Light then, by the way.
04:39Okay?
04:40Yep.
04:42It's just Dan.
04:47My dearest darling, Rebecca.
04:53Sorry.
04:54Today is our first anniversary.
04:58Let me see if I need your help with Laura.
05:04Seriously?
05:06They've gone.
05:07I'm going to rip my piss out of you.
05:12I've been drinking.
05:17I've been drinking.
05:18She called me from her phone box.
05:19Shut up, pig.
05:20You okay, Laura?
05:21She was groping me.
05:22I was trying to get her off the bus.
05:24Any excuse.
05:25Any fucking excuse.
05:30Don't do that, Laura.
05:32Shut up, pig.
05:33Do you want to call Paul?
05:35Yep.
05:35I am not going in there and there's nothing you can do about it.
05:38Come on, Liz.
05:39Go and have a lie down.
05:40Oh, don't touch me.
05:42She doesn't wash her hands when she pisses.
05:46I washed them after her poo.
05:48Poo.
05:49Poo.
05:51No, it's Steve.
05:52Come on, Laura.
05:53Let go of the door frame.
05:54There's a good girl.
05:54Don't be fake.
05:56I'm doing all right.
05:58I washed them after her poo.
06:00Mm-hmm.
06:01He's on his way.
06:02Tell him I love him.
06:03Okay.
06:04She loves you.
06:04Come on, Lot.
06:08He loves you too.
06:09He's lying.
06:10Okay.
06:13Put your hand off me.
06:14Okay.
06:15What's going on?
06:16Oh, sorry.
06:18Becky's sister's poorly.
06:23Nice dressing gown.
06:25Thanks.
06:26Aren't you?
06:28Frozen?
06:29Yeah.
06:30Me too.
06:32Have you got it on the back?
06:35Yeah.
06:39Bye, then.
06:41Bye.
06:44I went to see Granny.
06:45She sends her love.
06:47She's a wrinkly old fuck.
06:48She's excited about the baby.
06:50Should I get my tits out?
06:51No.
06:53Laura, that's her dinner.
06:55Steve, I'm trying to eat.
06:56For God's sake.
06:58Where's Paul?
07:02Don't do that.
07:03Where's Paul, you blowjob?
07:04It says it's at Pilates with Graham.
07:07He's a fucking liar.
07:10Okay.
07:11Becky, can I have a word?
07:12Yes.
07:13I feel sick.
07:15I'll get you something.
07:16You'll feel better if you're sick.
07:18When I was pregnant with Kieran.
07:20When you were pregnant with Kieran, you were fucking enormous.
07:24Thanks.
07:26Yes.
07:31Paul's not at Pilates.
07:34I know.
07:36He says that when he's out with some fucking whore!
07:39Paul!
07:39No!
07:40No!
07:41Wow.
07:44Are you okay?
07:45It's all right.
07:47It's a bit of an overreaction.
07:48Yeah.
07:50Come here.
07:55That's the first time I've been called a blowjob.
07:59Do that?
08:04Ooh.
08:06Chicken.
08:09She's so drunk.
08:10It's horrible.
08:12She wiped her hands on the duvet.
08:14Like you've never done that?
08:16I don't give her anything.
08:18I'll make a resolve.
08:19Don't be such a blowjob.
08:21Pilates.
08:23As if Paul was going to Pilates.
08:25Why being such a blowjob?
08:26Becky.
08:27I think you'll find my name is Rebecca.
08:29No.
08:29Becky.
08:30Don't be a dick.
08:31Becky.
08:31Steve, you're being annoying.
08:33I won't give her anything.
08:34Just fuck off!
08:39What the fuck was that?
08:44Look.
08:45PHONE RINGS
08:48Sorry.
08:50Get the door.
08:56PHONE RINGS
08:58PHONE RINGS
08:59PHONE RINGS
09:00PHONE RINGS
09:04Sorry.
09:04PHONE RINGS
09:15Hi Steve.
09:16I was wondering if I could borrow some limescale remover.
09:19I was wondering if I could borrow some limescale remover.
09:26Flats covered in limescale.
09:28Is that just an excuse to come in?
09:30Yeah.
09:31Thanks.
09:32Shelly texted.
09:33She said she was here.
09:35Give her a poem.
09:37Yeah?
09:38Yeah.
09:41Love some feedback.
09:43Not now mate.
09:59Um, I'd change that.
10:01Really?
10:02And I'd take out that line.
10:03That bit.
10:04Those two lines.
10:06That whole section.
10:07Pretty grim.
10:08That line.
10:11That line.
10:14And that line.
10:18And I won't end on the word bollocks.
10:21Really?
10:21Yeah.
10:23Lucky I read it, Paul.
10:24Yeah.
10:25Laura wants to get her tits out.
10:27Becky, come and have a look at them.
10:29Coming.
10:30Nice.
10:35OK, Laura.
10:36Let's get you up, shall we?
10:38Paul will be here in a minute.
10:39I'm going to sit on the floor.
10:40He's not nice on the floor.
10:42Come on.
10:42Bring the chicken.
10:44He's not up a lot.
10:45He says that when he's out with some slut.
10:52I want to show Steve my tits.
10:54I'm fine.
10:54I can see them.
10:55Fine as they are.
10:56Bex?
10:57Yes?
10:58I can't talk to you in the kitchen.
10:59I'm alright, thanks.
11:01I got ID'd.
11:02Did you?
11:03They were like,
11:05are you over 18?
11:06And I was like,
11:08yes.
11:09I've still got it.
11:14Look at the pig.
11:15Don't be mean.
11:17Come on, drink your water.
11:20He says he's out his people eyes with this Graham,
11:23but he's not.
11:29Laura!
11:31Sorry, Cheryl.
11:34No, he's fine.
11:38Maybe Laura and Shelley should wait outside for Paul.
11:42They're fine.
11:44Steve,
11:46what do you love most about me?
11:48I love everything about you.
11:51Do you want to have a look at these?
11:52No.
11:53Will you go on holiday with me, Steve?
11:56Yes.
11:57Becky.
11:58Come and have a nuzzle.
12:00Paul!
12:01I'll get you some more water.
12:17You're so ugly.
12:19You're so ugly.
12:20No, I love you.
12:45You're F**king killing me.
12:47Are you still alive?
12:48No, I'm still alive.
12:49No, I'm still alive.
12:50No, no, no.
12:50Hush you go, Paul.
12:52No, wait.
12:56Everyone, this is Graham.
12:58Graham, this is everyone.
13:00Nice to meet you all.
13:02Graham's my friend from Pilates.
13:05Yes.
13:07I'll wait in the car.
13:09No, I'll be two minutes.
13:12Why are you speaking to me like this?
13:15I'm not speaking to you like anything.
13:17Listen to yourself, Paul.
13:20Paul!
13:23What?
13:24Where have you been?
13:25Pilates.
13:26Have you been drinking?
13:27I had a glass of wine for my lunch.
13:30He's ignored.
13:30For what's sake, Laura, you're pregnant.
13:32Yeah.
13:32Laura, come on.
13:35You shouldn't be drinking.
13:37I've written you a poem.
13:39Were you reading to me?
13:41Look what I'm wearing.
13:42Graham picked me up from work and we went to Pilates.
13:45No, you didn't.
13:46Laura, it's not for you.
13:48It's for the baby.
13:50It sends him to sleep.
13:54Laura!
13:55Laura, stop it!
13:56You're better than the telly.
13:58Stop drinking.
14:00You make me wobble like strawberry jelly.
14:03Strawberry jelly.
14:05When I see you, my heart bangs and wallops, and I like what you look like when you suck on
14:11my heart to change the ending.
14:18No, it's brilliant.
14:20I like Pilates.
14:21I love it.
14:22What's weird about that?
14:23Honestly, darling, you have to believe me.
14:27Who's this prick?
14:28This is Graham.
14:30Who is it?
14:32This is Graham.
14:33This is my friend Graham, who I go to Pilates with.
14:41This is Graham.
14:42Hello, Laura.
14:44Yes, I'm Graham.
14:46Lovely to meet you at last.
14:48I've heard a lot about you.
14:50Tell her we've just been to Pilates, haven't we?
14:53Yeah.
14:54We've just been to Pilates.
14:57I slipped a disc last summer.
14:59It's actually rather good for the posture.
15:01See?
15:04Oh, my God.
15:09Oh, my God.
15:16So he hasn't been with some fucking awe?
15:19No.
15:21Well, I hope not, anyway.
15:23No, of course not.
15:24Those days are behind me.
15:26Oh, my God.
15:27Oh.
15:38Have you got a stiffy?
15:40No.
15:41Laura!
15:42I'd better be off.
15:45Nice to meet you all.
15:46Yes, lovely to meet you.
15:48Yes.
15:49Mm.
15:53That is just sick.
15:55Graham, one minute.
15:56Look at the pig.
15:58Laura, don't be horrible.
15:59You're a fucking mess.
16:01Okay.
16:02Calm down.
16:04You have no shanky?
16:06Thanks.
16:13Why are you marrying her?
16:18Well, it's...
16:21Well, we've paid for the venue.
16:27Okay.
16:29Graham, please.
16:33We can't do this.
16:36Yes, we can.
16:39It's not fair on me, Paul.
16:45I'm sorry.
16:48Graham.
16:50Please.
17:05You look like a pig.
17:07All right?
17:28No, Laura, you can't speak to me like that.
17:32You're just so impregnant, it makes me want to shit.
17:34Come on.
17:36OK, I'm going to leave now, Laura.
17:38Go get that spastic to flick your flaky little bean.
17:42Go on.
17:43Pig!
17:44I'm speaking to you.
17:46Pig!
17:47Just shut up!
17:49I am not a pig!
17:51I am Shelley!
17:53All right.
17:54Go flick your bean, Shelley.
17:57Paul!
17:57No, I will not go flick my bean.
18:00You're going to be someone's mother.
18:01You cannot behave like this.
18:03This is not on.
18:04I will not stand for it any longer.
18:06It is not on.
18:08You might have financial problems.
18:10And you and Paul might have other problems too.
18:13But that's no excuse.
18:16We don't have problems, do we?
18:18No, of course not.
18:20See?
18:21Silly fat pig.
18:22Laura, I am not a pig.
18:24And this is not on.
18:25Sometimes you're really not a nice person.
18:28And you're getting worse.
18:29Go fuck yourself, you slag.
18:31I am nice.
18:33And I am only ever nice to you.
18:36And you just make me cry.
18:38I go home and I cry because of you.
18:41And you keep doing this to people and you'll have no friends left.
18:44And I'm going to piss my fucking pants when that happens.
18:47I'm going to have a party.
18:49And everyone will be there and you won't be invited.
18:51And it'll be exactly what you deserve.
18:53It'll be exactly what you deserve because you are a nasty, ignorant, cruel fucking bitch.
19:01You made me cry, Laura.
19:03And you'll die alone.
19:05And I will dance on your grave.
19:07I will dance for hours on your stupid grave.
19:11You horrible, bloody bitch.
19:27You do know I'm pregnant, don't you, Shelley?
19:33Incredible.
19:36Excuse me, everyone.
19:41Help.
19:45You okay, my beautiful?
19:56Dan, that...
19:59Sorry.
20:01I don't know.
20:03I don't know what...
20:05It's okay.
20:06It's okay.
20:06It's okay.
20:11Well, that was horrible.
20:40I can't explain to you why I did what I did,
20:41but you have to know I had a really good reason.
20:44Yeah?
20:45What's that then?
20:49I can't tell you.
20:50Wow.
20:51Okay.
20:54Oh, for God's sake.
20:56You okay?
21:01We were having a really nice night.
21:03I know we were.
21:04No.
21:05Please.
21:11I didn't mean to hurt you.
21:16Bex, I didn't mean to hurt you.
21:18So why did you?
21:20Where are you going?
21:21For a walk.
21:23I swear on my mum's life,
21:25there was a perfectly good explanation.
21:26I'm really sorry for hurting you
21:28because I never want to hurt you.
21:30Please, Becky.
21:31No, Becky!
21:38The ring is in the...
21:39Don't go anywhere.
21:51It was in the bread bin.
21:53It's all part of...
21:56I had this.
22:00I'd learnt it.
22:01It's all part of...
22:03like a plan,
22:04which is why I didn't want you
22:05going in the bread bin.
22:06And we were...
22:09gonna drink this.
22:12I nicked the glasses from the goose.
22:14I'm so sorry.
22:15I just didn't want you to find it.
22:17I'm so, so sorry, Bex.
22:18Please don't go.
22:19I swear on my mum's life.
22:22I swear on your life.
22:23I swear on my life.
22:24And I'd...
22:24I'd swear on everything.
22:26I am so sorry.
22:28I beg you, please.
22:30Don't go anywhere.
22:34How long have you been planning this?
22:36Ages.
22:39Are you gonna read it to me or not?
22:42This.
22:43You want me to?
22:44Okay.
22:45Here.
22:46Here.
22:49My dearest darling, Rebecca.
22:51Becky.
22:57Today is our first anniversary.
23:00But it feels like our 50th.
23:03The world began when we met.
23:05It's like we spent our whole lives in bed
23:08and getting interrupted by Dan and Laura.
23:11Everything else in the world
23:12is so boring except for you.
23:14I get bored when you're on the loo.
23:17We're the same person.
23:19You're as different for me
23:20as one of my arms is
23:21or one of my thoughts is.
23:23When I first met you,
23:24I don't think it's possible
23:25to love someone more.
23:26Now every day I find that it is.
23:29The days go by so quickly
23:30and we grow up
23:31and our lives change
23:31but the one certain thing
23:32in all of it
23:33is that I'll always be with you.
23:36So I've got something
23:37I want to ask you.
23:41And that was when I was going to take
23:43the dressing gown off.
23:49Then what?
23:51Well then,
23:52there was this thing.
23:55So I'll get it.
24:19It's like a deal or no deal.
24:22You have to choose one.
24:24I'll open it
24:25and it'll give you the answer.
24:30Sure.
24:33You can swap.
24:55My mum helped me make them.
24:57Not so cool.
25:03Then there was more.
25:04Shall I?
25:11I know we say
25:12we don't believe in it
25:13but what's so bad
25:14about getting married?
25:16We get to spend
25:17the rest of our lives together.
25:19We could be a little family
25:22and we don't have to be dicks about it.
25:24We don't have to have a big wedding.
25:26We don't have to invite
25:27about any arseholes.
25:29I'd just like to marry you
25:33because I get to call you my wife
25:35and I'd be so proud.
25:39We'd never have to worry about anything
25:42ever again.
25:44So?
25:59Well, you've really
26:00fucked this up, haven't you?
26:07Have you asked my dad's permission?
26:11How'd that go?
26:13How do you think?
26:19Well,
26:20I'm not getting married
26:21in a bloody church.
26:26You can do it literally
26:28any way you want.
26:40Of course I'll marry you,
26:42you silly prick.
26:43Thank God for that.
26:53I'm so sorry about your arse.
26:54Yes, don't worry.
26:56I'm so sorry.
26:59I can't believe I hurt you.
27:01I just...
27:02I'm so, so, so, so sorry.
27:11One more thing.
27:21Come closer, come closer and listen.
27:25The beat of my heart keeps a-listen.
27:30I know you'll sit most
27:32when we're kissin'
27:34Come by and love me tight.
27:36You're such a pillock.
27:38Come closer and cuddle me tight.
27:41My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang,
27:43boom-bang-a-bang
27:44when you are near.
27:46Boom-bang-a-bang,
27:47boom-bang-a-bang
27:48loud in my ear.
27:50Pounding away, pounding away,
27:52won't you be mine?
27:53Boom-bang-a-bang-a-bang
27:55all the time.
27:56It's such a lovely feeling
28:01when I'm in your arms.
28:05Don't go away,
28:06I want to stay my whole life through.
28:09Boom-bang-a-bang-a-bang
28:11close to you.
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