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00:03Would you Adam and Bloody Eve it?
00:05No, seriously, I mean really.
00:08A joke's a joke and time speeds up and all that, but blimey.
00:11How can it be possible?
00:13How on earth can it be possible that it's come around again?
00:17And here I am, sitting at the bloody head of the bloody table
00:20with bloody people I don't bloody like,
00:22eating food that turns my stomach,
00:25listening to blinking Christmas carols,
00:27reading out pathetic jokes,
00:30wearing an utterly ridiculous paper hat
00:33and worst of all, having to pretend to be happy about it.
00:37Well, when I was a practising alcoholic,
00:39it was the best time of the year.
00:41But when you don't drink, it's just another day.
00:44I'm a humbug, I'm a Scrooge, I don't like it at all.
00:47It's just sentimental claptrap. I'm sorry, it's awful.
00:51In fact, it's worse than a puppy
00:53because you can't put Christmas in a second drowning.
00:55It just goes on and on and on.
00:56I get so grumpy.
00:58I'm in so much pain.
01:00You don't hear anybody saying,
01:02oh, I wish it started earlier.
01:04I get so miserable round about the middle of August
01:07because it's been so long since it was Christmas.
01:10My God, it's just obscene, really.
01:12It just drives me absolutely mad.
01:15Sod off, Christmas.
01:24Impossible, though it must be to believe,
01:26it really is that time of the year again.
01:29Shall I tell you what the worst thing about Christmas?
01:32No, really, shall I?
01:34Well, I will, then.
01:35The worst thing about Christmas
01:37is the expectation of everyone around you
01:40that you're supposed to be jolly.
01:43Jolly?
01:44Jolly?
01:44What sort of word is jolly, anyway?
01:46Or maybe even worse than that.
01:49Merry Christmas!
01:52Yes.
01:53Blokes like this one.
01:54Merry Christmas!
01:55Just trying to ingratiate himself
01:57by wearing a daft hat once a year
01:59and telling his customers to have a Merry Christmas.
02:02And then you've got to repeat it back
02:04like a demented parrot.
02:05Merry Christmas to you, too!
02:08Like you could give a damn.
02:10What upsets me is I want to be jolly,
02:13but I don't feel I can be
02:15because I'm being told I have to be jolly.
02:18And then that just upsets all the jolliness.
02:21It makes me grumpy when I want to be happy.
02:24Because it's bloody Christmas.
02:25Let's try and whoop the whole general populace
02:28into a frenzy of joy.
02:32It's Christmas.
02:32Cheer up.
02:33It's Christmas.
02:34No.
02:34Be really upset and gloomy
02:36because it's bloody Christmas again.
02:38The way that disc jockeys have to be
02:40from about the 26th of November onwards,
02:43that they have to do all of that stuff.
02:46Hey, it's coming after Christmas.
02:47Absolutely fantastic.
02:48I've never been so excited.
02:50It's just three and a half weeks away,
02:51whether you're doing all your shopping.
02:52It's tremendous out there.
02:54The lights are flashing on Oxford Street.
02:57It's going to be Christmas.
03:00It's just so awful.
03:03I have the Tourette's during Christmas.
03:05Like, really, I'll walk down the street
03:06and I'll just scream something out,
03:08like, just completely left field and horrible.
03:10I hate it.
03:11I hate it.
03:12I can't say how much I hate it.
03:18None of it would be so bad if it didn't all go on so long.
03:23It feels like we've only just got over Easter
03:25when those little reminders start to appear.
03:29But what's even more irritating?
03:31The people that keep telling us that...
03:34There are 143 days to go to Christmas.
03:38Great.
03:39Wonderful.
03:40Yeah.
03:41Yes, that's right.
03:42We're even irritating our stupid selves.
03:46It's like the gestation period of an elephant, isn't it?
03:49It kind of comes and it comes and it comes.
03:51Have you got this done?
03:52Have you got your Christmas cards done?
03:54I don't even get them started on Christmas cards.
03:56It's Christmas creep is the problem.
03:58Christmas has crept.
03:59In September, you start being bombarded and pressurised
04:04and harassed and harangued
04:06to buy loads of shit you really, really don't need.
04:09And actually, it can stress you out to such a degree
04:12that by the time it's Christmas Day,
04:13you're just crying, depressed,
04:16and have the worst day in the world with your family.
04:18That's why people have such a horrible Christmas day.
04:20Before you know where you are, it's August.
04:22It's, you know, 300 and two days of shopping...
04:25like shopping days for Christmas.
04:27I mean, it used to be just Advent, didn't it?
04:29It used to be an Advent calendar with a chocolate,
04:32December the 1st.
04:34That used to be when Christmas kind of got going.
04:37And now, I think Christmas starts around about July.
04:41Well, I mean, I was in Costco in August
04:45and they had all the Christmas stuff there already
04:47and it just made me stomach turn over.
04:50Because really, Christmas, once you get past a certain age,
04:52it's just a reminder that you're getting closer to death.
04:56I mean, where do you start?
04:58Where do you start?
05:01It doesn't matter.
05:02You can start anywhere because it's all beyond irritating.
05:05Can anyone, for example, tell us the point of the Christmas card?
05:08Other than to give money to talentless art designers
05:11and unemployable writers of sycophantic verses.
05:15Oh, really?
05:16It's a piece of old cardboard with a picture of a robin on it
05:20wishing people you see every day a Merry Christmas.
05:23You see them every day, tell them yourself.
05:26Never send a Christmas card.
05:28Never send one.
05:29No, I don't do Christmas cards.
05:30I used to be really good, but then when I realised,
05:33I mean, it's quite mercenary,
05:35that I was sending far more than I was getting back,
05:39it starts to grate.
05:41And you think,
05:42no, you're not, I don't bother with you anymore.
05:45For probably the last 30 years,
05:47I've intended to send Christmas cards,
05:49not quite got round to it,
05:51got a load of Christmas cards from other people
05:53and then felt bad about it.
05:55Oh, it's got, no, it's so tedious.
05:58And I think probably what I'll do now
06:01is I'll change that so that I still don't send them,
06:04but I don't bother the feeling bad about not sending them.
06:06What I really hate and can't understand
06:08is multiple cards between one family and another family.
06:12So you get, like, you know, cards to you and your missus
06:16and then cards from their kids to your kids.
06:19I just think, nah, what's the point?
06:21When I get cards, you know,
06:23I think, send me a card straight in the bin.
06:30The worst is when you get a card from an organisation
06:33like your bank that it just says,
06:37to customer or even not even to...
06:39I got one for my mortgage broker
06:40that just had the stamp, the stamp of the company.
06:44I'm going to invest in a stamp with my name.
06:47Boom, like that. Give us that one. Boom.
06:50On the other hand,
06:52there is nothing quite so guaranteed
06:54to lighten the load at Christmas for the grumpy
06:56than to have a good old laugh at someone else's expense.
07:00Oh, go on, it's Christmas.
07:02Time for goodwill to all men.
07:03Let's make fun of someone.
07:05Preferably someone close to us
07:07who's too nice to even suspect
07:09what it is we're doing.
07:12One thing I used to do at Christmas
07:13was send my parents cards from fictitious people,
07:19which is a great game to play,
07:22from Stan and Edie,
07:23and they'd go,
07:24I don't know who they are,
07:25who are they?
07:26And I'd be like,
07:26ooh, trying to compose myself.
07:29I don't know, did you meet them on holiday?
07:30Or the Christmas card that says
07:34from Kate and Steve
07:36and Barbara Jeff,
07:37Pat and Marge,
07:39and you think,
07:39who the hell are they?
07:41I did have visions of creating
07:42a further,
07:44like, sending a picture of a baby
07:46and going, look, we've had a baby.
07:48It could go on and on and on.
07:52If it's not bad enough
07:54that your own year has been awful,
07:56it's all so much worse
07:57when you learn that
07:58everyone else's has been wonderful.
08:03So let's get one thing straight.
08:05We don't want to know
08:06how wonderful life is
08:07for your smug,
08:09over-privileged selves
08:10or your precocious kids
08:12or your irritating pets.
08:15Get it?
08:18You never seem to see any
08:20that say,
08:21yeah, well,
08:22it's been crap here, really.
08:25Our eldest son
08:26is still on a ball stall.
08:28Damien's been coming off heroin
08:29and his methadone's been going OK.
08:32Well, our youngest girl's
08:33off the crack of cane,
08:34but she's not on the game anymore,
08:36so that's good.
08:37And, you know,
08:39Barry is still on tag.
08:41Lawrence has left me
08:42for the third time.
08:45Yeah, he's got a new...
08:46You never see...
08:46You never see those.
08:48They're always about,
08:49oh, we had a wonderful summer,
08:51you know,
08:52um, you know,
08:53Bill completed
08:54the fifth marathon,
08:56you know,
08:57at high altitude.
08:58Great.
08:59Philippa did a walk
09:01across the Andes.
09:02Get over it.
09:04They're always sickening things
09:05that these people have done,
09:07these families.
09:07Ben got straight A's,
09:09and, you know,
09:10oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, right.
09:12They're sort of giving the impression
09:13of the perfect family,
09:14and you know they've been
09:15screaming at each other
09:16over Sunday lunch
09:18for most of the year.
09:19So sending out cards
09:21is a total waste of time,
09:22but at least it involves
09:24choosing a card,
09:25writing a message,
09:26writing your address,
09:27and going down to the postbox.
09:29If all you can be bothered to do
09:31is to send the same text
09:32to everyone in your contacts,
09:35honestly,
09:35we'd really rather
09:36you didn't bother.
09:39You know,
09:40they've just thought,
09:41I'll text everyone
09:41because everyone will think,
09:43oh, isn't that lovely
09:44that we've heard from them
09:45on Christmas Day,
09:46and it's not lovely,
09:47it's vile,
09:48and anyway,
09:49I won't get it till Boxing Day
09:50because I've got my phone turned off.
09:51You don't see them all year,
09:53and then all of a sudden
09:53you start getting texts and cards
09:54and things from people
09:55who don't really see
09:56because you don't want to see them,
09:57you know.
09:58Oh, I thought of you.
09:59Well, stop thinking about me.
10:01I have been sent
10:02a few of those email ones,
10:03but they're quite easy to delete,
10:04and that's the nice thing,
10:05leave no mess.
10:06I would just like
10:07to send a message out
10:09to anyone that I know
10:10and love
10:11or know
10:12and don't even like,
10:12I wish you all a Merry Christmas,
10:14I won't be texting you back,
10:16if that's all right.
10:19What especially gets up your snitch
10:21is that everyone seems to think
10:22Christmas is an opportunity
10:24to take advantage,
10:25to do all the stuff they know
10:26they would never get away
10:27with the rest of the year,
10:29like knocking on your door,
10:31for example.
10:31We don't like having people
10:33knock on the door
10:34at the best of times.
10:35Usually, we pretend to be out
10:37or we tell them to take a hike,
10:38but at Christmas,
10:40it's one after another.
10:41And have you noticed,
10:43somehow or other,
10:44they've all got their hands out.
10:46The next thing you know,
10:47we'll have the postman
10:48asking for a tip.
10:50Now, they can bog off.
10:54I can always tell
10:55when it's going to be Christmas
10:56because the dustbin men
10:57start smiling at you.
10:58That's the first thing.
10:59Oh, he's to that row.
11:01Come, nearly Christmas.
11:02Which really cheeses me off.
11:04Why should we tip
11:06people who get paid
11:07to empty the bins?
11:08Or to deliver the milk?
11:10Or the little scumbag
11:12who delivers the paper?
11:13Hey, Merry Christmas.
11:15I picked up that whole
11:16out of your bin bag in June.
11:17Remember that?
11:18Fiver, please.
11:19I mean, although,
11:19I did actually have a paper round
11:21when I was a kid
11:22and I did go round
11:23and get a Christmas box
11:23and people were very generous.
11:24But I don't care about that
11:26because I'm not.
11:27Stop banging on my door.
11:29Go away.
11:32So, the collective madness
11:34that starts to descend
11:35in October
11:36and runs well into January
11:37includes eating quantities
11:39and varieties of food
11:41we would never countenance
11:42for the rest of the year.
11:44Suddenly,
11:44it's like we're expecting
11:46Napoleon to drop by
11:47for dinner
11:47during the siege of Moscow.
11:49and, oh,
11:50horror of horrors,
11:51we haven't got enough
11:52satsumas to feed
11:53his entire bloody army.
11:55Now,
11:56food shopping for Christmas.
11:58Nowadays,
12:00most shops,
12:01and I don't know
12:01whether you know this,
12:02most shops are open
12:04most of the time.
12:05I'm only saying that
12:07to be helpful.
12:09The justification
12:10is that the shops
12:11will be shut
12:11for one day.
12:13So,
12:14oh,
12:15we'd better get
12:16a box of kumquats.
12:19Just in case,
12:21in case
12:22Aunty Mabel,
12:23who's 93
12:23and never eaten
12:24anything more exotic
12:25than luncheon meat,
12:26suddenly goes,
12:27have you got a kumquat, dear?
12:29Every Christmas,
12:30you go in
12:31and, you know,
12:33you just think,
12:33well,
12:34it's only a day or two
12:35and then I can get
12:35some more stuff in tomorrow
12:36so I'll just take a basket
12:38and I'll put enough food in there
12:40for a day
12:41and a bit.
12:42And then you're standing
12:44behind
12:45a whole
12:47army
12:47of people,
12:48a full ounce
12:49of people
12:49with enormous
12:50great trolleys
12:51full of stuff.
12:56I don't know
12:57how to shop
12:58for food at Christmas
12:59because it doesn't matter
13:00what time of day
13:00and night you go,
13:01there's no sprouts
13:02or there's no this
13:03or there's no that
13:04so you cannot do
13:05your whole shop
13:06at one.
13:07It's two o'clock
13:07and a Saturday afternoon
13:08and Sainsbury's
13:09has sold out of sprouts.
13:10How can that happen?
13:11It's Christmas.
13:13Did you not think
13:13to get more sprouts in?
13:15It's just one manky
13:16sprout with a maggot
13:17inside it
13:18and people killing
13:18each other for it.
13:20That's my sprout
13:21you whore.
13:24What is it about
13:25the season to be jolly
13:27that turns an average
13:28normally balanced
13:29individual
13:29into a crazed
13:31shopaholic,
13:32eh?
13:33and considering
13:34it's supposed to be
13:35a time for goodwill
13:36to all men
13:37you'd think that people
13:38might make an effort
13:38you know,
13:39a bit of elementary
13:41courtesy
13:42after you
13:43and all that stuff
13:43but no,
13:45it's like
13:45I matter,
13:46you don't get out
13:47of my way.
13:49I hate the fact
13:50that when you go shopping
13:51at Christmas
13:52there's all these people
13:53who don't normally
13:53go shopping
13:54so they don't know
13:55how to move
13:56around a supermarket.
13:58It's the kind of
13:59shopping equivalent
13:59of Sunday drivers.
14:02Why is your trolley
14:04in the middle of the aisle
14:05while you're standing there
14:06examining a bit of blue cheese?
14:08Move it over
14:09so all these 30 people
14:11who are also trying
14:12to use the supermarket
14:13can get down the aisle
14:14and I start to hate myself
14:16because I hear myself
14:17sound like a harridan
14:19in the middle of some supermarket
14:20and it's four days to Christmas
14:22and I just want to slap
14:23some old lady.
14:24What was that?
14:25Who threw it?
14:25The thing is,
14:25I lose my nut
14:26around Christmas time
14:28and if you're ever going to see
14:29oh,
14:30Huey knocks somebody out
14:32in a shop
14:32it's going to be
14:33around Christmas time.
14:34Oh,
14:34that's another one.
14:36When you get to the hotel
14:37and you've got everything up
14:37and it's all going through
14:38and it's all being packed up
14:39get your purse out
14:40so you know where it is
14:42so I don't have to wait
14:4325 minutes for you
14:44to root around in your bag
14:45because you can't find your purse
14:47and I know,
14:49I know
14:50that they know this.
14:52Of course you get home
14:52and think,
14:54I've forgotten
14:54the cranberry sauce.
14:56Okay,
14:58so we hate the cards
14:59we hate the decorations
15:00we hate the shopping
15:01we hate the false jollity
15:02and we hate the family.
15:04But what's the common theme
15:05that binds all that together?
15:07What's going on
15:09in the background
15:09of all that hatred?
15:10Can anyone tell us?
15:12Yes,
15:13that's right.
15:18As we're going in shops
15:20in the beginning of November
15:22and hearing
15:23Merry Christmas everyone
15:26again
15:27every year
15:28bang out of order.
15:30When they start to play
15:30the Christmas songs too early
15:32the people that work
15:32in the shops
15:33they kind of go a bit bovine
15:35because they've had to listen
15:37to it all day
15:37because you think
15:38oh, you go in
15:38and you do your shop
15:39and you hear like
15:40It's great
15:41to the beauty
15:43They've had to listen
15:44to it all day
15:45till the end of their shift
15:46and they know
15:46they've got nothing
15:47but that to look forward
15:48to the next day
15:48so they just go a bit mad.
15:50So if any managers
15:51are watching this
15:51who make their staff
15:52listen to that music
15:53please, for their sake
15:55and for all our sakes
15:56don't play that music
15:57at Christmas
15:58it doesn't help anything.
16:00But the worst
16:01the absolute worst
16:02the one thing
16:03guaranteed to make us
16:05want to kill
16:05has got to be this man.
16:07You'd rather
16:09immerse your head
16:10in a bucket
16:10of festive reindeer snot
16:12than listen to it
16:13but you have to.
16:16Somebody beam me up.
16:19You're already
16:21fairly murderous
16:22aren't you?
16:22You're in the supermarket
16:23you want to kill people
16:24you don't need to hear
16:26Cliff Richard
16:27in fact you never need
16:28to hear Cliff Richard
16:28ever anyway
16:29let's face it.
16:30Cliff Richard.
16:31Oh my god no.
16:34You certainly
16:34don't need to hear it
16:35when you're already
16:36at the point
16:37of murdering someone
16:38in the supermarket
16:39because it's just
16:39going to push you
16:40over the edge
16:40isn't it really?
16:41Love's on the fire
16:43and gifts on the tree
16:47Give it a rest.
16:49I know it's an easy target
16:50people talk about him
16:51as being an easy target
16:52it's an easy target
16:53because it is a target
16:55because it's rotten
16:56and it should not be allowed.
16:58Surely
16:58there are some artists
16:59out there
17:00who can think up
17:01some original Christmas songs
17:02please.
17:03How many hours
17:04of my life
17:05is that
17:05that I'm never getting back
17:07that I've had to listen
17:07to Cliff Richard
17:08singing Mistletoe and Wine
17:09I should be able
17:10to sue somebody
17:11there should be
17:11somebody somewhere
17:12that I can like
17:14deliver a writ to
17:15to get either money
17:17or the time back.
17:19You know
17:19I'm on
17:20a dangerous ground here
17:22because I did have
17:23a big Christmas song
17:25out once
17:25it wasn't a Christmas song
17:27but Bob the Builder
17:28was the Christmas number one
17:29in the year 2000
17:31which was a bit of a disco hit
17:33as it goes.
17:33I had a Christmas number one
17:35but the only thing was
17:35I was in hospital
17:37when I did that thing
17:38to check my daughter Kelly
17:39and the only thing was
17:40I'd nearly kill myself
17:41on a quad bike accident
17:42here at the house
17:43and I was in a coma
17:45for a while
17:45so I missed Christmas
17:47then thank God.
17:48That's a good idea.
17:49If I want to miss Christmas
17:50I'll get on my quad bike
17:51and break my neck again.
17:53Have a great Christmas everybody!
18:01Isn't it lovely?
18:02No really
18:03isn't it heartwarming to see?
18:05It's the birth of our Lord
18:06and it brings out
18:07the best in us
18:08goodwill to all men
18:09peace on earth
18:10a spiritual reawakening.
18:14So
18:15the only thing
18:16to be said for Christmas
18:17for most of us
18:18is
18:18that it's a few days off.
18:21True
18:21you have to be with the family
18:22but at least
18:23you don't have to go to work.
18:25So
18:25as it's Christmas
18:26spare a thought
18:27for the poor sods
18:28who do have to work.
18:30Can you imagine
18:30what it must be like
18:31to have to entertain this lot?
18:33There's tired
18:34tired drunk audiences
18:35around Christmas
18:36and food fights
18:37I mean
18:38you know
18:39it's not pretty
18:40and you
18:41and you
18:41turn up
18:42and you're the only one
18:42who's sober
18:43so you sort of have to watch it
18:44and take it in
18:44and
18:45they never listen
18:46and all that sort of thing.
18:47Christmas is a joyful time
18:48for drunk and abandoned
18:49for most people.
18:50What it means for comedians
18:51is dodging
18:51Bacardi Breeze and balls
18:53Gary let's see if I can hit
18:54this one in the face
18:55chicken in a basket
18:56listen to the beginning
18:57of a joke
18:58don't listen to the end of it
18:58it can be like that
18:59at some comedy
19:00because people get drunker
19:01and more and more jovial.
19:02They're dealing with people
19:03A. being extremely drunk
19:07they're eating
19:09they're trying to get off
19:10with someone
19:13and they're having to put up
19:14with you
19:14trying to tell them jokes
19:16so quite a lot of the time
19:18they're saying
19:18do you mind
19:19we're trying to eat here
19:21it's pretty rubbish
19:22being a stand-up comic
19:23around Christmas
19:24actually
19:24from that point of view
19:25and the money's good
19:27but it ought to be
19:27because the gigs are crap
19:28and then the occasional splatter
19:31of vomit
19:32on a hard surface
19:42but the thing that makes us sick
19:44isn't the excessive alcohol intake
19:46oh no
19:47what really makes us reach
19:48for the sick bucket
19:49is the fact that Christmas
19:50seems to be the time of year
19:52when every half-wit celebrity
19:54thinks it's funny
19:55to make a twit of himself
19:56I mean
19:57none of our grumpies
19:58would ever do that
19:59would they
19:59I'm playing buttons
20:03I've got my bellboy outfit on
20:05and everything
20:05you know
20:06which is luminous blue
20:08with silver braid
20:10and it's also like
20:11made of this nylon material
20:13I've seen it already
20:14in my costume
20:16I'm going to be
20:18secretly seething inside
20:20if you get a bad audience
20:21it's one of the worst jobs
20:23you can ever do
20:23in your entire life
20:24I'll be like that on stage
20:26and I'll be like that behind
20:27going
20:27listen to those
20:28snotty little kids
20:30throwing peanuts at me
20:31when the audience are good
20:33you're on fire
20:34but when they're not good
20:34you cannot do your dialogue
20:36fast enough
20:36because what they do
20:39some audiences are really
20:40really thick
20:41oh no
20:43we are not
20:47and because you're the baddie
20:49it doesn't matter what you say
20:51you've got these great gags
20:52and lines
20:53you and Smee messing about
20:55and all that
20:55all they do is
20:56boo
20:58skellark
20:59boo
20:59constant
20:59that's all you can hear
21:01a mass of hatred
21:11of all the many great mysteries
21:13surrounding Christmas
21:14this one has got to take
21:16the proverbial hobnob
21:18it's Jesus' birthday
21:20so we're going to go into the high street
21:23or into a forest
21:24murder an innocent spruce
21:26that is far too big for our house
21:27jam it in the car
21:29so the needles drop
21:30take it home
21:31stick it up in our living room
21:32and cover it with tasteless rubbish
21:35what the hell
21:36could possibly be the point of that
21:38did Jesus ever even see a spruce
21:41did he ever even contemplate a bauble
21:44or a fairy
21:45for the top
21:46we think not
21:48what's the point of a tree
21:50what's the point of bringing a tree into your house
21:52you never bring a tree into your house
21:54under normal circumstances
21:55why would you do that
21:56the tree
21:57the tree
21:58oh the tree
21:59yeah I never did Christmas trees
22:00I got married
22:01my wife wants me to do the Christmas tree thing
22:03my wife's a lovely lady
22:04I love her more than anything
22:05so I do the Christmas tree thing
22:07I'm not happy about it
22:08it's a pain in the arse
22:09these bollocks
22:10because usually
22:11I will have been quite late
22:13in getting the tree
22:14so it will be quite a mutant
22:17specimen of a tree
22:19so thereby
22:20you can't win
22:21you either get it too early
22:22and it's dead
22:23before you put the decorations on
22:25so it's like sort of
22:27putting
22:29it's like sort of doing
22:30full royal icing treatment
22:32on a digestive biscuit
22:33I don't like
22:34putting crap on a tree
22:36I don't like doing any of that stuff
22:37don't like it at all
22:39you think does this room
22:40really look better now
22:41than it did before
22:43no
22:46look
22:48it's not too bad
22:50there's still plenty of life there
22:53there is some sadistic bastard
22:55who designs
22:56Christmas tree lights
22:57that like
22:58if one blows
22:59you don't
23:00you know what I mean
23:02you don't know
23:03how to mend it
23:04you know
23:05is it one of those things
23:06where you've just got to try
23:07every bulb
23:08when it's on the tree
23:09we used to light them on fire
23:11bring them to the roofs
23:12of the buildings
23:14we used to live in
23:14light them on fire
23:15and throw them in the street
23:16that's what they're good for
23:18you ever see one of those
23:19laying on a taxi cab
23:21that's fun
23:21that's Christmas
23:25oh by the way
23:26not that it really matters
23:27but does anyone remember the actual story
23:29anyone know what actually happened
23:31something about a big star
23:34something about a census
23:35I seem to recall
23:36no room at the inn
23:38shepherds washing their socks by night
23:40was it
23:40and who on earth was
23:42good king
23:43Wenceslas
23:44anyway
23:45it's a bit unfortunate really
23:47with the traditional Christmas
23:48of like the
23:49those three presents
23:50isn't it
23:51gold
23:51frankincense
23:52and myrrh
23:53I mean
23:54it would have been better
23:55if it had been
23:57if the three wise men
23:58had come
23:59with
24:01gold
24:02barley wine
24:03soap on a rope
24:05or something like that
24:05if someone brings you
24:06frankincense
24:07that's like
24:08and myrrh
24:08that's all the stuff
24:09that you're supposed to give
24:10people
24:10when they die
24:12you know
24:13so what are you showing the kid
24:15oh you
24:15I don't know if he's going to make it
24:17you know
24:17I think
24:19this is only my view
24:21that like
24:22the three wise men
24:24were caught on the hop
24:25which is fair enough
24:26it was the first Christmas
24:27they hadn't been planning
24:29they hadn't been shopping
24:30they hadn't been told
24:33120 shopping days
24:34until the birth of Christ
24:36if you were Jesus
24:37right now
24:39I mean
24:39you'd be thinking
24:41oh
24:41what a waste
24:42why did I bother
24:46so with all this
24:48unavoidable
24:49and unutterable
24:50festive crapulence
24:51back at home
24:52you could easily be forgiven
24:53for wanting to get away
24:55from it all
24:55somewhere hot and sunny
24:57somewhere
24:58where you can leave
24:59the lunacy behind
25:00somewhere sane
25:01Merry Christmas
25:01Merry Christmas
25:02but no
25:03forget it
25:05there's no escape
25:06wherever you go
25:07Christmas blooming cheer
25:09wants to try
25:10and come with you
25:10Merry Christmas
25:11Happy Christmas
25:13Merry Christmas
25:14Merry Christmas
25:14should we go away
25:15for Christmas this year
25:16great romantic idea
25:17about travelling abroad
25:18and going sitting in the sun
25:19for Christmas
25:21in Mexico
25:22no less
25:22I went
25:23once with a girlfriend
25:26and unmitigated disaster
25:28I couldn't be anywhere hot for Christmas
25:32it was just the idea of poles
25:33I mean it doesn't feel like Christmas anyway
25:35and where you end up is in some hotel with lots of expat Brits
25:39or with honkers and bloody hats with tassels on them
25:42you know going
25:42Merry Christmas
25:43Merry Christmas
25:46it's just like
25:46you might as well be in Oxford Street
25:48it was revolting
25:49I hated it
25:49people go
25:50oh it's a lovely bit of winter sun
25:52you know
25:52it's fantastic
25:52Merry Christmas
25:55it's a season to be jolly
25:56you just think
25:57too weird
25:58it's weird
25:58it's wrong
25:59I don't know
26:00why do we want to be warm at Christmas
26:01it's supposed to be cold isn't it
26:03you know
26:04people who send you pictures of themselves
26:05you know
26:05having turkey on the beach
26:07in Bondi Beach
26:08or something like that
26:09see
26:09you know
26:10that looks crap
26:11I mean one year
26:12Sharon caught me the idea
26:13she said you know what we could do
26:14we can get Concord
26:15and go to Lapland
26:15and see you later
26:17you know
26:18we spent Christmas Day
26:21riding across the Sahara
26:22on camels
26:26which sounds lovely
26:28but who knew
26:29the Sahara Desert
26:31is freezing cold
26:33in December
26:34and it was raining
26:36I was sat on a wet
26:38stinking camel
26:40and I don't know
26:41if you've ever ridden
26:42on a camel before
26:42but they
26:43they make this noise
26:44like a
26:45like a giant
26:46coffee percolator
26:47and they foam at the mouth
26:49and my one kept turning around
26:51going
26:53like it was going to eat me
26:55Rudolph the Red
26:56North Reindeer
26:58or of course
26:59you could always choose
27:00to embrace the real
27:01spirit of the festive season
27:03by going to the
27:04traditional home of Christmas
27:06wherever that is
27:07somewhere north
27:08isn't it
27:10about six years ago
27:11my sister and I
27:12went to Sweden
27:12for a holiday
27:13and in one of the restaurants
27:15Reindeer
27:16was on the menu
27:17and we both looked
27:18at each other
27:19and thought
27:19oh that's not quite right
27:20eating little reindeer
27:21that's not very nice
27:22is it
27:22and then we thought
27:23how much do we hate
27:25Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
27:26as a song
27:27and so we took great delight
27:29in ordering
27:29and eating
27:30covering in sauce
27:34imagining it was Rudolph
27:35and it was our revenge
27:36on that song
27:39in certain middle European countries
27:41I believe they offer
27:41Noddy Holder
27:42on the menu
27:45one of the unvarnished
27:47joys of Christmas
27:48is that it's a time
27:50to be with the family
27:51but which family
27:52his
27:53hers
27:54the exes
27:55whichever one you choose
27:56you're guaranteed
27:57to upset somebody
27:58and isn't it fun
27:59to spend all that time
28:00on the motorway
28:01with overtired
28:02and overexcited kids
28:04in the back seat
28:05now what do we think
28:06shall we set off early
28:07to avoid the last minute rush
28:09when I was a lad
28:12we'd go up to Birmingham
28:13where my mum's side
28:15of the family lived
28:16but
28:17I seem to remember
28:19it always started off
28:20first of all
28:21with this journey
28:21that seemed to take
28:23so long
28:24stuck in so much traffic
28:25with so many people
28:27on December the 23rd
28:28and then
28:29at the end of the journey
28:31there being a period
28:32of about an hour and a half
28:33where we just stood around
28:36while me dad
28:37and various men
28:39from the family
28:40discussed the route
28:41that he'd taken
28:43to get through
28:43Birmingham
28:44off the motorway
28:45the worst thing
28:46about Christmas
28:47is the
28:47is the hectic dash
28:50from one
28:51eggy
28:52gift giving event
28:53to another
28:54and you hurry
28:55from one arena
28:56of disappointment
28:57to a fresh one
28:58that's the kind of pressure
28:59that's horrible
29:00about Christmas
29:01one person wanting you
29:02and another person wanting you
29:03you know
29:03well
29:04do you know what
29:05neither of you
29:05other than me
29:05I'm going to go
29:06and sit on the loo
29:07with a turkey
29:08cooked turkey breast
29:09from Tesco
29:10and drink three bowls
29:11of claret
29:12and a bottle of scotch
29:13with a portable television
29:14and you can all bugger off
29:16and I just have this memory
29:18of hours going by
29:20and
29:20oh right
29:21well what you did
29:22is you should have taken
29:22the A234
29:24off of Stetchford
29:24and that way
29:25you could have the bottleneck
29:26of Digbeth
29:26and you go around
29:27the back of Erdington
29:28and that way
29:29you could take the flyover
29:33I have had Christmases
29:34where I have had to have
29:36more than one Christmas dinner
29:37on Christmas Day
29:39for fear of offending people
29:40you know
29:40that
29:42it's just been easier
29:43that way
29:44to eat two full Christmas dinners
29:46I can't do all these people
29:47that drive
29:48do about three different drives
29:49in a day
29:49just to give everyone
29:50it's great
29:50once you pop a sprog out
29:51you're allowed to do anything
29:52I'm sorry I've got kids now
29:53because we just can't travel
29:54because I've got a baby
29:55and no one
29:55in the history of the earth
29:57has ever had a baby before
29:58so if I leave the house
30:00we will all be
30:00unfortunately achieve
30:01gaseous form
30:02and die instantly
30:02so everyone has to come
30:03to us now
30:04just because I'm lactating
30:05and me dad going
30:06oh yeah
30:07we see the mistake I made
30:08was that at Sutton Coalfield
30:09I'm going
30:10oh right
30:10well that's what you did
30:11well in future
30:11and this was Christmas to me
30:14I seem to
30:15I'm sure I've remembered it wrong
30:16but I seem to remember that
30:17going through most of Christmas
30:20and then we left
30:21and as for Christmas morning
30:22it's brilliant
30:23the roads are empty
30:24just a few malicious police
30:26going
30:26everyone's over the limit
30:27or shall we pick P.C. Gary
30:29I don't know P.C. Gary
30:30this is South End Police
30:31I don't know P.C. Gary
30:32they're probably all drunk
30:33and that right P.C. Dave
30:37so one of the many things
30:39that grumpies like us
30:40don't do very well
30:41is buying presents
30:42for other people
30:43we're just not very good at it
30:45we can't work out
30:46why we have to give people
30:47presents on Jesus' birthday
30:49anyway
30:49and there's so much rubbish
30:51on sale that we can't
30:52work out what to buy
30:54anybody
30:54so we leave it
30:55we leave it
30:56and then before you know
30:58where you are
30:58it's the last minute
31:00and you're in a panic
31:03and I will be stopping
31:04at every service station
31:06panicking
31:07breaking out in a sweater
31:08like a Geordie
31:09in a spelling test
31:10and you try and find
31:11the biggest mega store
31:13where they sell everything
31:14under the one roof
31:16as possible
31:16I go shopping on Christmas Eve
31:18something like half past three
31:20I'll probably get into the shops
31:21on Christmas Eve
31:23and run out of ideas
31:24very very quickly
31:26I tend to buy my father
31:27a book that I know
31:28he's already got
31:30so that I can have it
31:32why would you go shopping
31:34on Christmas Eve?
31:35well
31:37it's just a total waste
31:39of money and time
31:40I suppose it's the price
31:42you pay isn't it
31:43for Christmas
31:44the giving season
31:46I know someone
31:47that goes
31:47oh it's such a wonderful atmosphere
31:48the carol thing isn't it
31:50and you think
31:51what?
31:52you are mental
31:53crowds and crowds
31:54of like-minded
31:55irritable
31:56dead-eyed souls
32:02buying presents
32:03for anyone
32:04is tricky enough
32:05but getting the right thing
32:06for your loved one
32:07well
32:08he got more chance
32:09of parting a banker
32:10and his bonus
32:10good luck with that
32:12you get the usual thing
32:13don't you
32:14you know
32:14when it comes to play
32:15it's like
32:15don't get me anything
32:17this year
32:19would you risk that one?
32:22really?
32:23and our family
32:23we've kind of got it down now
32:25it's got to be thoughtful
32:28I'm rubbish at being thoughtful
32:29really rubbish at being thoughtful
32:31well
32:32I thought
32:33I'd get you
32:34a golf club polisher
32:36especially presents for wife
32:38is very difficult
32:39you know
32:39and I think most men
32:41feel like this
32:41there's only one golden rule
32:42is for God's sake
32:44don't go anywhere
32:45near the kitchenware department
32:47if you're a last minute shopper
32:48and I think a lot of men are
32:49you get to this point
32:50on Christmas Eve
32:51with about
32:52two hours to spare
32:54and you think
32:54right
32:54I've got to do it now
32:56and every shop you look into
32:58becomes a possible present
32:59for a minute
33:00and you're looking at things
33:01you're going
33:02you know
33:02I'll get her some perfume
33:03no that's too obvious
33:04I'll get her some underwear
33:05no
33:06wrong message
33:07well right message
33:08but at the wrong time of year
33:09I'll get her
33:10a dress
33:11what sort of dress
33:12should I get her
33:12I can't get her
33:13what dress
33:13I don't know what dress
33:14the one on the assistant
33:15looks really good
33:16maybe I'll get her some meat
33:18I'll get her some meat
33:18no
33:19I'll get her some fish
33:19yeah fish
33:20that'll be really good
33:20it's going to be extinct soon
33:21it'll be a collector's item
33:23no I can't
33:24that's ridiculous
33:24I'll get her some
33:25I'll get her what will I get her
33:26I'll put a bet on a horse
33:27yes I'll put a bet on a horse
33:28it'll be different
33:30original
33:31rubbish
33:35last year
33:36this is true
33:36there was about half an hour left
33:38I was in Wimbledon
33:39I was doing the pantomime
33:40in Wimbledon
33:40and a van went past me
33:41for the London Door Company
33:44and I briefly thought
33:46I could get her a door
33:48ok
33:50it's almost Christmas
33:52so we need to go to a place
33:54of spiritual awakening
33:55a place where we can imbibe
33:57the spirit of peace
33:58and love
33:59and goodwill
33:59to all men
34:00a place where we can
34:01lift up our hearts
34:03and sing
34:04the local church
34:05for the midnight carol service
34:07maybe
34:07no
34:08where else
34:10could we possibly
34:11express
34:11the true spirit
34:12of Christmas
34:13in the 21st century
34:38when I was younger
34:40you used to go home
34:41didn't you
34:41and see all your friends
34:42you'd go out
34:43go to a pub
34:43there's always a pub
34:44on the market square
34:45or something
34:46you'd all meet up
34:4720, 30
34:48you'd get pissed
34:49you'd come home
34:50you'd puke in the hallway
34:52you'd get up the next day
34:53totally hung over
34:54and ruin Christmas
34:55for everybody
34:56so says mother
34:57Christmas Eve
34:58is a time when
35:00all of the sort of
35:01difficulties of Christmas
35:03crystallise
35:03if you like
35:04in that the enforced
35:06jollity
35:06and the stress
35:08all combine
35:09to make it
35:10probably the most
35:11violent evening
35:12of the year
35:13I would think
35:14and now
35:14I stay at home
35:15get totally drunk
35:17puke up in the hallway
35:18wake up the next day
35:20totally hungover
35:21Christmas for everyone
35:22there must be more pub fights
35:24on Christmas Eve
35:24than at any other time
35:27the stress
35:28of having to enjoy yourself
35:30induces
35:31this kind of
35:32terrible drinking behaviour
35:33so
35:34I don't think
35:35I've had a hangover free
35:37Christmas ever
35:39that's a bit sad
35:41or is that quite cool
35:44that's a bit sad
35:45happy Christmas
35:46Lance
35:47and happy new year
35:48to you
35:53so you've had a skin
35:54full the night before
35:56crawled in at 3am
35:58so you look and feel
35:59like a rat's bum
36:00when you wake up
36:00the next morning
36:01then it dawns on you
36:03you're supposed to be
36:05full of Christmas cheer
36:06and all you're full of
36:08is dyspepsia
36:09and guess what else
36:10is happening
36:11to complete your joy
36:12yes
36:13that's right
36:14the in-laws
36:15are coming over
36:16oh joy
36:17oh bliss
36:19oh my god
36:25yes
36:25we're all grumpy
36:27grumpy men
36:28and grumpy women
36:29grumpy boys
36:30and grumpy girls
36:31miserable
36:31in tooth and claw
36:33but even we
36:34hard-hearted
36:35and dyed-in-the-wool
36:36cynics that we are
36:37can't help
36:38but get a little
36:39dewy-eyed
36:40on Christmas morning
36:42what could be
36:43more magical
36:44than the giving
36:45and receiving
36:45of presents
36:46oh
36:47the big difference
36:49between posh people
36:50and common people
36:51is that common people
36:52open their presents
36:53first thing in the morning
36:54and posh people
36:55open theirs later on
36:57you might want
36:59to remember that
37:00but even this
37:01simple stuff
37:01is fraught
37:02with a thousand
37:03complications
37:03did they spend
37:05more on you
37:06than you did
37:06on them
37:07did you accidentally
37:08give them back
37:09the same hot
37:10water bottle
37:10cosy they gave you
37:11last Christmas
37:12and hardest of all
37:14when you receive
37:15something you don't want
37:16and have given away
37:17something you do want
37:19you are supposed
37:19to look happy
37:20how's that supposed
37:22to work then
37:25let me set the scene
37:26for you
37:27knocking at the door
37:28entering
37:29with your hands
37:30laden
37:30with this pile
37:32of presents
37:32like a scene
37:33out of meet me
37:33in St Louis
37:35in you go
37:36with your presents
37:37for all your
37:38brothers and sisters
37:39and families
37:39and friends
37:39and all their little
37:40ones
37:41cut to
37:43leaving
37:43the place
37:44with one small
37:45paperback
37:46that you've already
37:47read
37:47the really rubbish
37:49thing about Christmas
37:49is you have to enjoy
37:50the gift of giving
37:51and you have to
37:52you actually have to do
37:53that
37:54and that's one of those
37:55things when you're told
37:55younger that the
37:56joy is in the giving
37:57and you think
37:58oh piss off
37:58no the joy is the
38:00joy is the frenzied
38:01unwrapping
38:01like
38:02like a sort of
38:03crazed
38:06velociraptor
38:06tearing its prey
38:07apart
38:07like that
38:08when the Christmas
38:09spirit
38:10normally hits me
38:12is normally
38:13that's 30 second
38:14period on Christmas
38:15morning
38:15when I grab a present
38:17from under the tree
38:17and rip off enough
38:18paper to realise
38:19that somebody's
38:20bought me the same
38:20old tat again
38:21I've actually
38:22what I've done
38:23is sometimes
38:24and it's a bit
38:24inexcusable this
38:25I've looked at it
38:26and I've thought
38:26what a pile of cack
38:27you've sent me here
38:29or who don't I like
38:30very much
38:30I've got to send
38:31a present to
38:31I'll send it to them
38:32so I'll redo it
38:33and send it back
38:34it's going to be
38:35something that someone
38:35gave them
38:36that they didn't want
38:37that they gave you
38:38because it's like
38:38last minute stuff
38:39if you have people
38:40over at your house
38:40they feel they've got
38:41to bring something
38:42if you come to my house
38:43don't bring anything
38:44just come
38:45bring liquor
38:46bring scotch
38:47as my nan
38:47lost her mind
38:48more and more
38:49she would just wrap up
38:51found objects
38:52weird objects
38:53you know
38:53she'd just like
38:54my brother got a stone
38:56it was just
38:56clearly a stone
38:58that she'd found
38:59something you're
39:00really going to lack
39:00and it's just a stone
39:02in wrapping paper
39:02and you have to
39:03my dad
39:03you get in the eye
39:04and you're just
39:05that's brilliant
39:05that's what I want
39:06in a stone
39:07me mum
39:08god bless you
39:09she will buy
39:09presents
39:10but she'll see
39:11she'll buy them
39:11on spec in the middle
39:12of the year
39:13she'll go somewhere
39:14to something like
39:16um
39:17you know
39:18the um
39:18the Wensleydale
39:19cheese sculpture
39:21centre
39:21or something like that
39:22and she will get
39:24carried away
39:25in the moment
39:26it's not
39:27about
39:27the getting
39:29it's about
39:30the giving
39:30I realise that
39:32but
39:33but
39:34giving sucks
39:39yes
39:40so
39:41when was the last time
39:43you received a present
39:44you really wanted
39:45you know
39:45like a motorbike
39:47or a drum kit
39:48as it is
39:49if you can manage
39:50to look grateful
39:51for an electric tin opener
39:52you deserve
39:53an academy award
39:54oh how lovely
39:55Marjorie
39:56just what I always wanted
39:57did you keep the receipt
40:03we asked our grumpies
40:05to show us
40:05how to do it
40:06oh that's so sweet
40:08you shouldn't have
40:09really
40:09you shouldn't have
40:11what lovely
40:11appropriate paper
40:13a lot of tape on this
40:21now
40:22what an original piece
40:24really nice
40:25this glass
40:26nice
40:32that's lovely
40:33now I can
40:34put that
40:34in
40:35in a bedroom
40:37oh god
40:38that's
40:38lovely
40:41it's so sweet
40:42thank you so much
40:44it's really
40:45thoughtful of you
40:48oh
40:49that's so cute
40:51I love it
40:52oh thanks
40:54scary right
40:58nice
40:59did you
41:00did you like
41:01the diamond necklace
41:02I bought you
41:07for common people
41:08then
41:09it's time for lunch
41:10oh what a treat
41:12enough turkey
41:13to give you
41:14constipation
41:14for a month
41:15washed down
41:16with sweet fizzy wine
41:17because grandma
41:18doesn't like that
41:19dry muck
41:19you usually serve
41:21never mind
41:22there's always
41:22the consistently
41:23disappointing crackers
41:25to pull
41:25the dry
41:26leathery turkey
41:27to eat
41:27the fart
41:28inducing sprouts
41:29to avoid
41:30and the slightly
41:31too drunk
41:32in-laws
41:32to placate
41:33great
41:34so the wait's
41:35been worth it
41:39Christmas dinner
41:40well I haven't
41:41always cooked
41:41Christmas dinner
41:42because I've often
41:43gone off with
41:43them to family
41:45and in-laws
41:46and things
41:46but now I've
41:47got kids
41:47my own
41:48I have done
41:49it a couple
41:50of times
41:51because I want
41:52to start
41:53my own
41:53traditions
41:54you know
41:54that they can
41:55take
41:55and memories
41:56of their
41:57mother
41:58screaming
41:59and crawling
42:00on the kitchen
42:00floor
42:00going
42:01what happened
42:02to those
42:02they were like
42:03parsnips
42:04when I put
42:05them in
42:05and now
42:06now that
42:07what is that
42:08what is that
42:09my mum
42:10left the giblets
42:11in a plastic bag
42:12in the turkey
42:13and the plastic
42:14melted
42:14in the turkey
42:16onto the spuds
42:16and all
42:17so everything
42:17tasted of plastic
42:18it was just so
42:19miserable
42:19because my dad
42:20just couldn't
42:21you know
42:21doesn't have the
42:22ability to laugh
42:22it off
42:23the whole
42:24Christmas
42:25ruined
42:27one year
42:27they had
42:28Christmas dinner
42:28at midnight
42:29in my house
42:30because it takes
42:31me so long
42:31to make
42:32Christmas dinner
42:33because I get
42:34really into it
42:35and like start
42:36you know
42:36peeling cranberries
42:37with my
42:37bloody
42:38you know
42:38and doing
42:39also
42:40I'd have to
42:40make it all
42:41from scratch
42:41and it drives
42:42my family nuts
42:43and they in turn
42:44are then horrible
42:45to me
42:45because they're
42:46hungry
42:46I can't bear it
42:48when a Christmas
42:48dinner turns up
42:49and some of it's
42:50cold
42:50you don't feel
42:50like you've got
42:51the right to
42:51moan
42:52because someone's
42:52been trapped
42:52in the kitchen
42:53the whole day
42:53you know
42:54excuse me
42:54my mashed
42:55parsnips
42:55are at room
42:56temperature
42:56it's unacceptable
42:57it's the most
42:59important meal
43:00of the entire
43:01year
43:01so what do we
43:02choose
43:03out of everything
43:04that you could
43:04have
43:05what do we
43:05choose
43:05turkey with
43:06cranberry jelly
43:07which is basically
43:08like chicken
43:10with jam
43:11it's like posh
43:12chicken with jam
43:13isn't it
43:15and let's serve
43:16it up
43:16with brussels sprouts
43:18which are the
43:18grapes of the devil
43:21so let us pause
43:23just for a moment
43:23to consider
43:24the gentle turkey
43:25and what Christmas
43:26means to it
43:27now two weeks
43:28before Christmas
43:29the turkey population
43:30of Britain
43:31is probably
43:31about 10 million
43:32a week later
43:33probably about
43:34a hundred
43:35basically
43:36it's turkey
43:37genocide
43:39but these days
43:40just being a
43:40commoner garden
43:41turkey
43:42isn't enough
43:42oh no
43:43we need to know
43:44the provenance
43:45of our Christmas
43:45lunch
43:46you've got to
43:47have a turkey
43:47that has been
43:48spoon fed
43:49hummingbird nectar
43:50from a pipette
43:51and massaged
43:52on the slopes
43:52of Mount Fuji
43:53before being
43:55given its own
43:55choice of humane
43:56killing at the
43:57hands of a
43:57vegan conscientious
43:59objector
43:59or something
44:01I invested
44:02in an organic
44:04free range
44:05privately educated
44:09turkey from
44:10a high family
44:10it was knighted
44:12actually
44:12I think
44:13at one point
44:13you get all
44:14these people
44:14thinking
44:15I'd only get
44:15an organic
44:16turkey
44:17that's been
44:17allowed
44:18to go on
44:18holiday twice
44:19in its lifetime
44:20all inclusive
44:21of course
44:22and I still
44:23managed
44:24to make it
44:25taste like
44:25a processed
44:26chicken roll
44:27my mum
44:28I remember
44:28she used to
44:28buy this
44:29enormous turkey
44:30it was like
44:31the size
44:31of a small
44:32toddler
44:32and tried
44:33to shove
44:34it in the
44:34oven
44:34and we'd be
44:36there at
44:3611 o'clock
44:36at night
44:37still waiting
44:38for this turkey
44:38it goes beyond
44:40just we only
44:40eat it once
44:41a year
44:41we purposely
44:42buy something
44:42we've got
44:43no idea
44:43how to cook
44:45and then
44:45celebrate it
44:51who looks
44:51inadequate
44:52now
44:53my dad
44:54with his
44:54Neanderthal
44:55and has to
44:56comment on
44:56the actual
44:57meat
44:57he's eating
44:58that's all
44:59the conversation
44:59can be
44:59about
45:00it's a solid
45:01crown boy
45:01the only thing
45:02people like
45:03on Christmas
45:03dinner
45:03them little
45:04sausages
45:04pigs in
45:05blankets
45:05that's what
45:06everyone likes
45:07just give them
45:07a plate
45:08for them
45:08and some
45:08mash
45:10mash and gravy
45:11with them
45:12in the middle
45:12that's it
45:13everybody's happy
45:14solid meat
45:15never forget
45:16the value
45:17of what you're
45:17eating
45:17that's what
45:18he talks
45:18about
45:21yes
45:21Christmas
45:22is a time
45:23for expensive
45:24and useless
45:25rubbish
45:25greetings cards
45:27for people
45:27you see
45:27every week
45:28presents
45:28you don't
45:29want
45:29food
45:29that turns
45:30your stomach
45:31decorations
45:32that are
45:32a fire
45:33hazard
45:33but what
45:34is the
45:35biggest
45:35waste
45:35of money
45:36of all
45:36at Christmas
45:37time
45:37the biggest
45:39of all
45:39it's a hard
45:40competition
45:41to win
45:41the girls
45:42work harder
45:43the more
45:43their work
45:44is pulled
45:44to pieces
45:44they're making
45:45Christmas crackers
45:46complete with
45:47trinkets of a type
45:48which give the kiddies
45:48an excuse
45:49to fight
45:49when they drop out
45:50and now
45:51to insert the treasures
45:52which will rattle
45:53when tiny hands
45:54shake them
45:54with a guess
45:55what's inside
46:00there's a huge
46:01opportunity
46:02for firms
46:03to deeply
46:04rip people off
46:05on Christmas
46:06day
46:07and it's
46:08almost
46:09Dickensian
46:10because you can
46:11imagine them
46:11going
46:12hmm
46:12what
46:12what
46:13what
46:13we can
46:14now we can
46:15put anything
46:15in the crack
46:16it won't matter
46:17we'll wrap it up
46:18and make it look
46:19pretty
46:20and they'll have
46:22bought it
46:22they don't know
46:23what's in it
46:24they'll have already
46:24bought it
46:25they've already
46:25put it on their
46:26table
46:26it doesn't matter
46:27you've got a thing
46:28that goes crack
46:29that works
46:31occasionally
46:32you've got a toy
46:34that even
46:35the most easily
46:36pleased child
46:37who's not going to
46:39get much for Christmas
46:40will think
46:40well that's crap
46:42you get a joke
46:43that's not funny
46:44and you get a hat
46:46that makes you
46:47look like
46:48a moron
46:49that's what you get
46:51in a cracker
46:51great
46:52let's all buy
46:54three dozen
46:54for Christmas day
46:55let's not
46:56let's boycott
46:57the cracker industry
46:58and put them
46:59out of business
47:00they're bastards
47:01who invented
47:03fireworks
47:03me
47:04some bright
47:06spark
47:10if they were
47:11really
47:12fun
47:12and represented
47:13all the jollity
47:15of our times
47:15in March
47:16and August
47:17and other times
47:18of the year
47:18people would be going
47:19oh it'd be great
47:20to have some
47:20Christmas crackers
47:21because they just
47:22make the party
47:22go off
47:23and the worst
47:24thing is
47:24if you have to
47:25pull a cracker
47:26with someone
47:27that you don't know
47:28it's a bit awkward
47:29because there's a bit
47:30of a like
47:30what's the cracker etiquette
47:31if I pull too hard
47:32they'll think
47:32I'm a bit of a cow
47:34if I'm a bit
47:35flimsy with it
47:36they'll walk
47:37all over me
47:37you know
47:38and so it's just
47:39a bizarre sort
47:40of etiquette
47:44nice
47:44lovely
47:45what did one pig
47:47say to the other pig
47:50let's be pen pals
47:54what do you get
47:55if you cross a skeleton
47:56and a detective
47:59Sherlock bones
48:01when is a boat
48:03like a pile of snow
48:05when it's adrift
48:09oh ho this is brilliant
48:12where do sick gnomes go
48:14to the elf centre
48:18why are brides unlucky
48:20well they never marry
48:22the best man
48:23what do you call
48:25a row of men
48:26waiting for a haircut
48:28a barbecue
48:30what a pile of cack
48:32I'd be very happy
48:34if one of those stupid jokes
48:36actually got my mouth
48:39just to turn up
48:40a little bit
48:40at the corners
48:41in 41 years
48:42I haven't found one yet
48:46I've based a lot of my material
48:48on cracker jokes
48:49actually
48:52so once we've forced down
48:54more food in one sitting
48:55than we'd normally have
48:56in a week
48:57what do we have for dessert
48:58a light sorbet perhaps
49:00a palate cleansing fruit salad
49:02oh no
49:02this is Christmas
49:04and it's the law
49:05and what is that
49:08seriously
49:08it looks like doggy doo-doos
49:12tastes like doggy doo-doos
49:14even takes longer
49:15to prepare
49:16than doggies doo-doos
49:19nobody eats Christmas pudding
49:20you buy it
49:21steam it for 73 days
49:24literally
49:24it comes out
49:25it's like
49:26you could kill somebody
49:27with a Christmas pudding
49:28right
49:28if you hit someone
49:29upside the head
49:30with a Christmas pudding
49:30they would certainly
49:31have some sort of
49:32hemorrhage
49:33in their brain
49:34I don't think anybody
49:35likes them
49:35does anybody like
49:36Christmas pudding
49:38really
49:39come on
49:41how come
49:42you get to a point
49:44where under normal
49:45circumstances
49:45you would say
49:46no no thanks
49:47no I won't have any pudding
49:48thank you very much
49:49and everybody would
49:50accept that
49:51and they'd say
49:51no they're not having
49:52any pudding
49:53and they'd go
49:54no just a little bit
49:55of Christmas pudding
49:56and you'd go
49:56no really full
49:58I spent ages
49:59making this Christmas pudding
50:00no one likes it
50:01no one likes
50:02it's like
50:03this much cake
50:04and all these kind of
50:05like jelly
50:06dried out fruit stuff
50:07and most of it's
50:08apricot
50:09and then like
50:09they stick licorice
50:11stuff in there
50:12it's just the nastiest
50:13crap ever
50:13yeah but I made this
50:15specially
50:15and I took ages
50:17making this Christmas pudding
50:18can't believe you're not
50:19eating this Christmas pudding
50:20just have a little bit then
50:24lunch over
50:25and it's time to sit down
50:27in front of the telly
50:28where they operate
50:28a little known law
50:29that no film
50:31less than 15 years old
50:33and on its 18th repeat
50:34is allowed to be shown
50:36you didn't know that
50:37oh yes
50:38it's the law all right
50:41oh I do loathe a James Bond film
50:44at bloody Christmas
50:45don't you
50:45I mean
50:46I mean James Bond
50:48is surely a brand
50:49that one's kind of
50:50you know
50:51putting out of its misery
50:52isn't it
50:52you know
50:53if I have one more
50:55Christmas
50:56where somebody says
50:58they want to watch
50:58It's a Wonderful Life
51:00I will
51:01emigrate
51:02I hate that film
51:04it's a good telly
51:05on at Christmas
51:05except for that
51:06Queen's speech
51:07I got that on again
51:08the news bulletin
51:09at six
51:10on Christmas Day
51:11I think is
51:12always well worth watching
51:15good afternoon
51:16the Queen
51:16has spoken
51:17and they report
51:18the Queen's speech
51:19like it's news
51:20I don't know why
51:21they bother
51:22I mean
51:22it's not very funny
51:23is it
51:23it's a prime slot that
51:25she could
51:25I mean if she
51:26you know
51:27got a song in there
51:28or something
51:28she could have had
51:28the Christmas number one
51:29and then she could have
51:31been celebrating
51:31keeping Simon Cowell
51:32out the way
51:33you know
51:33it'd be a result
51:34all round
51:35wouldn't it
51:35so all I would say is
51:36if we're going to have
51:37the Queen's speech
51:38then just put a bit
51:39of oomph into it
51:40but the sad thing is
51:41I think really
51:41about Christmas now
51:42is that a lot of
51:43youngsters
51:44seriously don't know
51:45the meaning
51:46of Christmas
51:47and they genuinely
51:48don't know
51:48that it's the time
51:49when we celebrate
51:49the birth
51:50and the life
51:51and the work
51:51of Morecambe and Wise
51:59yes it's a time
52:00for ritual
52:01for customs
52:02for ceremony
52:03and for falling out
52:04with your loved ones
52:05it's the end of the year
52:07and frankly
52:07you've had them up to here
52:10add a hangover
52:11a belly full of constipation
52:12a glass of cheek plonk
52:14and the Queen's
52:14Christmas message
52:15and you have a recipe
52:17for the St. Valentine's Day Massacre
52:20it only takes a little bit
52:25to get you right back
52:26to when you were a kid
52:27when you were a kid
52:28and you really hated that auntie
52:30or your brother
52:30was a total tosser
52:31or your mother
52:32just had it in for you
52:33so I'm doing a lot of this
52:34I'm like
52:35I feel like Robert De Niro
52:36I'm like
52:38talking to me
52:40talking to me
52:41I know you're not talking to me
52:42it's such a vulnerable time
52:43when you all get together
52:44and that's why you revert to type
52:46you revert to
52:47those horrible old Christmases
52:50where you were a teenager
52:51and your hormones are running wild
52:53and you never asked to be born
52:55and everybody does that
52:57probably about an hour and a half
52:59after they've eaten
53:00when we're still doing
53:01the family Christmas
53:01and my dad
53:02because my dad always has
53:03he starts miserable
53:05or he doesn't
53:06starts the day
53:07by being kryptonite in the corner
53:08shouldn't have bought it
53:09wasted your money
53:10what you had on your Christmas
53:11but legs open
53:12a glimpse of scrotum
53:12through the dressing gown
53:13and then of course
53:14you've got certain family members
53:15who can't handle their liquor
53:16and they get like that
53:18and like you know
53:19you've got to bite your tongue
53:20then he drinks four stellas
53:22and becomes irritatingly jovial
53:24swears
53:25until he offends my mum at dinner
53:26and then goes back into depression
53:27at the end of the night
53:28of my life
53:29it's a piece of shit
53:30isn't it boy
53:32it's tough
53:33because you know
53:33I'm newly married
53:34so I don't want to like
53:35knock out my uncle
53:36I think if you're having
53:37more arguments
53:37that you would have
53:38on a normal say Sunday
53:39or something like that
53:40and it's Christmas Day
53:42it's probably because
53:42you've succumbed to the pressure
53:44that you're thinking
53:44why aren't we having more fun
53:46look the fun monitors
53:47dipped below
53:48a hundred
53:49and according to
53:51New Labour's guidelines
53:53we should be having
53:54120 degrees of fun
53:56by 3.15
53:57it's all gone wrong
53:59that's the key
54:00to not arguing
54:00and getting through Christmas
54:01is drinking just the right amount
54:03of alcohol
54:03so that you don't turn violent
54:04but enough that blocks out reality
54:07pretty much a tip for life
54:08as well
54:08I mean there is a great relief
54:10if you've got Christmas
54:11a family Christmas over with
54:13and no one's kind of
54:15punched each other really
54:16you think
54:17actually that was one of the better ones
54:18wasn't it
54:20if the Queen's speech is over
54:22then it's probably a good
54:2445 minutes
54:25since you've finished lunch
54:26so
54:27time for a little snack
54:28I think
54:28fancy some cold cuts
54:30Aunty Gloria
54:31I mean I love all the food
54:33but then I go
54:34I forget the guilt thing
54:35and I'm like
54:36you know
54:37it's
54:38it's
54:38it's
54:39it's
54:39it's
54:39it's
54:40it's
54:40it's
54:40it's
54:40it's
54:40it's like
54:40you know
54:42the amount of food
54:43that gets thrown away
54:45Christmas Day
54:46isn't it
54:46Joe
54:48never mind
54:49with Christmas over
54:51for another year
54:52we can all look forward
54:54to Boxing Day
54:54a time for realising
54:56you've seen that
54:57box set of DVDs
54:59you got yesterday
55:00and that someone's
55:01given you the paperback
55:02of the John Grisham
55:03you read nine months ago
55:04but
55:05it's all okay
55:06because you've got that
55:07greatest treat of all
55:08to look forward to
55:09the leftovers
55:13well Boxing Day for me
55:14means
55:14means one thing
55:15meat sweats
55:16is um
55:17the sweat of eating
55:18too much meat
55:19that pallid
55:20sweat that forms
55:21on your brow
55:22when you've eaten
55:22too much meat
55:23and your body's going
55:24ooooh
55:25I don't know
55:25what to do about this
55:26things start getting
55:27curried don't they
55:28with the British urge
55:29to curry everything
55:30that's left over
55:30don't sit there too long
55:32then or I'll curry
55:33yeah
55:33cold meat sweat
55:35and that feeling
55:35behind your eyes
55:36that you've eaten
55:36too much
55:37meat
55:39that vegetarians
55:39will never understand
55:40my dad just
55:41curried everything
55:42I reckon if there's
55:43ever an apocalypse
55:43and we're just all
55:44like half burnt bodies
55:46there and the world's
55:46being flattered
55:47into an ashy dust
55:48there'll just be a lot
55:48of British people
55:49going around currying
55:50everything that's left
55:51and I do make turkey
55:52soup and I do make
55:53turkey curry
55:53and we do have
55:54turkey sandwiches
55:55that evening
55:55and we do have
55:56turkey sandwiches
55:56on Boxing Day
55:57and turkey turkey turkey
55:59you don't go back
56:00to work or anything
56:00you just kind of
56:02watch loads of telly
56:03and eat the leftovers
56:04or as Spanish people
56:05call it tapas
56:06do you know what
56:08I always go into
56:09the new year
56:09feeling a bit depressed
56:11I don't know why
56:12I just always have
56:14it's that sort of
56:15horrible black hole
56:17after Christmas
56:17isn't it
56:18I feel relieved
56:19that Christmas is over
56:20to be honest
56:21been building up
56:22building up
56:22it's always
56:23always always
56:24a disappointment
56:25it doesn't live up
56:26to much
56:26I'm sure that's
56:28why some people
56:29are on drugs
56:29so Boxing Day
56:31is the day to buy
56:32sofas
56:32but didn't it come
56:33from being something
56:34isn't that supposed
56:36to be the present
56:36day where you box
56:37something up
56:37and give something
56:38to somebody
56:39or is it the day
56:40you knock the person
56:40out that you want
56:41to knock out all year
56:43because I'd like it
56:44to be the latter
56:46and you just need
56:47to rest
56:47before the nightmare
56:48of the new year
56:49comes
56:49so it's the best
56:50part of it
56:51I think
56:51that little bit
56:52in midweek
56:53when you don't
56:54see anybody
56:54you don't speak
56:55to anybody
56:56and you keep
56:57yourself to yourself
56:58and grumpiness
56:59reigns
57:00I like it
57:02oh Santa
57:06I've been waiting
57:08on you
57:12that's funny kid
57:13because
57:16I've been coming
57:17for you
57:22oh Santa
57:26I've been killing
57:28just for fun