- 28 minutes ago
Operation Taco Garys
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:25Breaking news, actor Jason Biggs
00:00:27of American Pie fame was found dead in his Wind River home.
00:00:31The event brings this year's celebrity death toll to 27 after Pope Francis' heart explosion
00:00:36last week.
00:00:36His estate wants to remind the world that Jason Biggs was a good guy and we should all be very,
00:00:42very sad.
00:00:43Authorities aren't ruling out foul play.
00:01:12I heard, I heard the old man say,
00:01:18Today, today's a holiday.
00:01:22John Kanaka Naka Toorayay, Toorayay, whoa, Toorayay, John Kanaka Naka Toorayay.
00:01:57We'll work tomorrow but not today, John Kanaka Naka Toorayay.
00:02:02We'll work tomorrow but not today, John Kanaka Naka Toorayay, Toorayay, whoa, Toorayay.
00:02:14John Kanaka Naka Toorayay, we're bowed away from Frisco Way, John Kanaka Naka Toorayay,
00:02:21We're bowed away from Frisco Way, John Kanaka Naka Toorayay, Toorayay, whoa, Toorayay, John Kanaka Naka Toorayay.
00:02:47Join this video with tips for introducing our holy fish with surpriseUS Ver olsun by Millet Can Be You,
00:02:50It's late to the nightclub at the nightclub.
00:02:51Ve been doing this as well as our meidän bulkyокой vrijwill...
00:02:51...we didn't receive a long past Christmas offering.
00:02:51...no teather aquellos cheeq in five years...
00:02:52... adviser all the przydyo...
00:02:53....tw recherche...
00:02:53...sad wurden...
00:03:05...but after a Jewish meal will stay dry when we pur discovery,
00:03:06They need to learn something for you guys.
00:03:13so 35 we have a deal okay you got me 25 drive a hard bargain yeah look how much for
00:03:23this
00:03:23oh for you jake absolutely free take it it's yours no kidding okay you know toaster like this
00:03:33would probably get you 27 dollars i doubt that it's a very nice thing i think i'll put it on
00:03:42my desk
00:03:43next to my computer i came by to give you a little going away advice you need to change the
00:03:51password
00:03:52on your wi-fi and the majority of your streaming accounts what do you mean type in some extra
00:03:58numbers or some big letters those go a long way jake are you saying you've been using my wi-fi
00:04:04is that why google keeps recommending different ketamine clinics i'm just saying i don't want
00:04:09people in your new building to take advantage of you the way some people might have been taking
00:04:15advantage of you here thanks jake good guy luke you deserve better okay
00:04:23oh hey janet respectfully janet i really think that we should just try it my way we're really
00:04:28going to miss you around here luke and not just your wi-fi and your streaming services you look like
00:04:33family were my passwords that easy to figure out where are you headed now ottawa canada watch your
00:04:39finger ottawa you got family up there or something no no the only family i've left is an older brother
00:04:46but i haven't heard from him in years in fact i actually don't even know if he's dead or alive
00:04:50oh well that's dreadful because uh family is the most important thing there is family sticks together
00:04:57no matter what
00:05:01uh what was that what was what the random family sentiment you just read out loud what was that
00:05:07about um i gotta go clinton how much you want for this it's beautiful what the hell this isn't mine
00:05:18who put this here you did no why would i have a painting of the pope eating tacos with bigfoot
00:05:24i mean i'm basically jewish for christ's sake that's a lie i've seen his penis the man you know
00:05:30as luke is not circumcised quite the opposite he possesses a generous amount of foreskin making
00:05:36his dick look like the head of a baby elephant what who are you what is happening
00:05:49jeez louise
00:05:51ow
00:05:56danny bring it in danny
00:05:58oh god god god i'm sorry i'm sorry what happened are you okay yeah it's nothing really
00:06:03you should have seen the other guy yeah oh yeah he was driving the sickest mercedes when
00:06:07he plowed into me okay that looks really bad oh and that painting is from me hmm oh you like
00:06:14you like it yeah man one more hug soft wow
00:06:18wow
00:06:18ah
00:06:34so how's life living off grid all this time that's fine until the grid got bigger
00:06:40after a while that became like one of todd simmons famous nosebleeds
00:06:43uh-huh yeah wait so what's with the moving sale you're moving somewhere uh very perceptive
00:06:50of you yeah yeah i know i'm uh heading up to ottawa canada ottawa oh you got a girlfriend
00:06:57up there or something no yeah you do you have a girlfriend in canada i wish yeah you gotta
00:07:04go all the way up there to get laid because you can't get laid here danny danny no sorry no
00:07:08i
00:07:09i am driving up today to start at the new paleontology research center
00:07:16what today today yeah well you can't leave today why not because i'm here now i want to hang out
00:07:23yeah but i start on monday oh fuck muffin
00:07:27i was really hoping to spend some time together before i start my new job in tucson next week
00:07:47hey man why don't you come with me really yeah you wouldn't mind no i i i've wanted to spend
00:07:52time with you too wow i'm impressed luke you really do have faith in your fellow man
00:07:59it's like todd simmons said faith is all about taking that initial step without first checking
00:08:03for scorpions yeah who is this todd simmons guy
00:08:16so tell me about the job in ottawa huh you happy with it oh beyond happy man it's like for
00:08:22the first
00:08:22time in my life everything's finally making sense you know and that's a good thing yeah of course it is
00:08:27i get to go on real digs with real paleontologists and you know what we're doing on my very first
00:08:31day how would i know that we're gonna go to a dig site where they've already found a brand new
00:08:35species of cretaceous erythropod and they've already given her a name too snomisdon snomisdon
00:08:40yeah apparently she's massive and her femur bone is exactly five foot ten and a half inches long
00:08:47which is my precise height which is weird and neat right yeah i'm just happy you're happy
00:08:53yeah just don't freak out when you learn what actually killed the dinosaurs
00:08:58what do you mean
00:09:02no it's too soon i'm sorry i'm just gonna shut up now no no what do you think killed the
00:09:08dinosaurs
00:09:09danny well it wasn't a fucking meteor i'll tell you that
00:09:19what just so you know i i don't actually care that you believe in all this conspiracy theory
00:09:26stuff it honestly doesn't even bother me conspiracy theory stuff just so you know all science is
00:09:32theory until proven otherwise did you know that galilea was once considered a conspiracy
00:09:35theory okay but just so you know even if somehow one of your crazy conspiracy theories just happened
00:09:41to prove it true nobody would believe you because you think everything is part of some massive
00:09:45conspiracy theory so you basically just be the boy who cried wolf oh just so you know the boy who
00:09:49cried wolf is a personal hero of mine of course he is now think about it he tricked his entire
00:09:52town
00:09:52into thinking that a wolf was coming so by the end when the wolf actually came he had him all
00:09:56to
00:09:56himself and who doesn't want a little wolf
00:10:07it's justin jason bigg's death has been officially ruled a homicide the suspect is said bloody frisly
00:10:14murder should all be very sad according to this state
00:10:23so tell me about this job in tucson oh yeah i'm i'm really excited about it is it like an
00:10:31office
00:10:31job or the day i set foot in an office is the day i die yeah so what is it
00:10:36oh i can't say i signed an
00:10:38nda well with who can't say that either well can you tell me anything about it let me think no
00:10:45well
00:10:46come on you're not being chased by a bounty hunter or something are you jesus luke i'm not that guy
00:10:52anymore all right sorry sure at one point i was a little off my rocker sure at one point i
00:10:58ran for
00:10:58sheriff of daytona under the name deacon shrimp sure at one point i scammed the portuguese mafia out of
00:11:03a thousand fluid ounces of taiwanese ketamine what but i also know i haven't been the best big brother to
00:11:07you i left you all alone in that hellhole took out multiple houseboat loans in your name that was
00:11:12you but i'm a changed man now who's trying to get his life back on track and i need you
00:11:19to believe
00:11:19that uh yeah all right thank you i have no reason to lie to you man literally not one knock
00:11:28on wood
00:11:29sheriff's department sheriff's department
00:11:50hey oh yeah he's been here looks like his brother's helping him after all
00:11:54we're gonna need an additional 277 on luke davenport accomplice to wanted felon daniel davenport
00:12:05three my yus EHR
00:12:07three my two lord so young
00:12:13three my two lord so young
00:12:16three my two lord so young
00:12:17they said wait to see
00:12:21three my two lord so young
00:12:24La-la-la-la-la-la-la
00:12:29Three mortal hearts are young
00:12:32They set sail from Britain
00:12:35Three mortal hearts are young
00:12:40La-la-la-la-la-la-la
00:12:42Three mortal hearts are young
00:12:44They need sail away to sea
00:12:46Three mortal hearts are young
00:12:48La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
00:12:50Three mortal hearts are young
00:12:52They set sail from Britain
00:12:54A storm began, as they said sail, the winds were going around
00:12:58And the winds were strong, the journey long, they landed and you found love
00:13:03It's no coincidence that it was around the same time Bill Gates had Princess Di assassinated.
00:13:07And that's the fourth reason why one should never trust the Portuguese.
00:13:12What?
00:13:13Nothing.
00:13:14Oh, seriously, man, what?
00:13:16No, it's, it's nothing, never mind.
00:13:18I know that look.
00:13:19You're contemplating whether or not I'm back on my meds, huh?
00:13:22How is that a look?
00:13:23Well, I am, okay?
00:13:25I mean, do I look like Todd Simmons on a Spanish holiday?
00:13:27Who the fuck is Todd Simmons?
00:13:29I swear, you have nothing to wor-
00:13:34What? What is it?
00:13:36Nothing. It's nothing.
00:13:38I'm just going to go see if old man Waters still lives over there. I'll be right back.
00:13:42Old man Waters, it's clearly made up and it's my turn to drive!
00:14:08Hands on the steering wheel. Now!
00:14:10Oh, dear.
00:14:12I gotta hand it to you. I thought I lost you back in Wind River. You banged me up good.
00:14:18I don't want your fucking money. Hands on the wheel. Do it now!
00:14:21Oh, dear.
00:14:21Does this mean anything to you? Huh?
00:14:24It's a Taco Gary's taco. As in the TG Truce of 21.
00:14:29Is this Taco Gary?
00:14:31It's Taco Gary!
00:14:33This is a Mercedes, right?
00:14:35I don't know. I don't know. It's my husband's car.
00:14:39We were using the restroom.
00:14:43I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry for mistaking you for a member
00:15:04of the Coalition. It was an honest mistake.
00:15:09I'm assuming you have the child lock on. Thank you, ma'am. You have a lovely day.
00:15:30Get shit! Fuck!
00:15:37You okay?
00:15:39Not really, man. I saw it.
00:15:42Fuck.
00:15:43Okay, yeah, putting a hunting knife to a grandmother's throat looks really bad on paper, but technically that was in
00:15:47self-defense.
00:15:48What? No, I'm talking about these. Fucking M&M's, man.
00:15:53Oh, yeah. Me too.
00:15:55You're lying to me, Danny. Again.
00:15:57Relax, Luke. They're just anti-psychotics. Nothing bad's gonna happen.
00:16:00Not yet, but I refuse to be the idiot in the horror movie who sees all the dead animals and
00:16:06the ghost children, yet doesn't get out.
00:16:08I feel like I'm being set up for disaster.
00:16:10If you would like me to take the regular pills that work, I will, okay? Pinky swear.
00:16:15I love you, Danny. I do, but I am in a new chapter in my life, and I don't have
00:16:18time to accommodate you in your...
00:16:20Wait, what did you do to some grandma?
00:16:22Nothing. It's a metaphor.
00:16:26Where's my phone?
00:16:28You promise you won't get angry?
00:16:31Oh, God.
00:16:32Look, for your own safety and for reasons I can't disclose yet, I had to dispose of your phone via
00:16:37toilet at the gas station.
00:16:39Pull over.
00:16:40Why? We just stopped.
00:16:41Pull over!
00:16:41What is happening right now?
00:16:48Where are you going?
00:16:52Goddammit!
00:16:52What the fuck?
00:16:56Shit.
00:16:57Just wait. Just wait.
00:16:58Nope.
00:16:59It's over.
00:17:00You're not gonna talk me out of it.
00:17:01I know.
00:17:02I know.
00:17:03I understand.
00:17:04Fuck, I'm sorry.
00:17:06You know, I hate taking that shit.
00:17:08It makes me feel too not me.
00:17:11Things make too much sense.
00:17:13That's a bad thing?
00:17:14Can you just get out of the car so I can give you a proper hug goodbye?
00:17:17No!
00:17:17I'll leave.
00:17:18I promise.
00:17:20This might be a really long time before I see you again.
00:17:23Just come out and give me one last hug, and then I'm gone, okay?
00:17:27Please?
00:17:38Love you, man.
00:17:39Love you, too.
00:17:41What the fuck was that?
00:17:43No, I'm sorry.
00:17:44It's for your own good.
00:17:45Trust me.
00:17:46Trust me!
00:17:47You're okay.
00:17:49All right.
00:17:50That's it.
00:17:52You're okay.
00:17:57Good night, sweet prince.
00:18:00They never show this part in the movie.
00:18:03How hard could it be?
00:18:41There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:18:43What?
00:18:45What happened?
00:18:46Where are we?
00:18:47What, you don't remember?
00:18:48Makes sense.
00:18:49You were pretty damn drunk.
00:18:51No.
00:18:52No, I remember.
00:18:54I couldn't find my phone, and then we got in an argument, and...
00:19:05Holy shit.
00:19:06You...
00:19:08Okay, fine.
00:19:09I injected you with some ketamine, but you were having a temper tantal.
00:19:11Oh, you're out of your mind.
00:19:13You're...
00:19:13You're...
00:19:14Oh, God.
00:19:21There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:19:23God damn it!
00:19:24I know.
00:19:25This hurts me just as much as it hurts you.
00:19:27Why are you doing this to me?
00:19:30I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:19:33I kind of stumbled into some trouble, and I sort of need to...
00:19:35How do I say this?
00:19:36Flee the country.
00:19:37So when I found out that you're going to Canada, I thought it was meant to be, you know?
00:19:40Like fate.
00:19:41What did you do?
00:19:41Nothing.
00:19:42I simply took something from someone deemed important.
00:19:45Give it back.
00:19:46No.
00:19:47The world needs to see this, and I need your help.
00:19:50No.
00:19:50Come on, Luke.
00:19:52You're family.
00:19:53And you know family is the most important thing of all.
00:19:56Family sticks together no matter what.
00:19:59Paid my neighbor to say that, didn't you?
00:20:01Look, it's not my fault your neighbor didn't take the extra five minutes to memorize his fucking lines.
00:20:05Look, whatever.
00:20:05It doesn't matter.
00:20:06The fact is, I love you, and you're the only one that I can truly trust, and you have a
00:20:10valid passport,
00:20:11and we kind of look like each other.
00:20:12I can't believe I fell for this.
00:20:14No.
00:20:15No.
00:20:16No, no, no.
00:20:17Help!
00:20:18Come here, you little rascal.
00:20:21Stop doing that!
00:20:23Look, I'm begging you, man.
00:20:24I need your help, and I need to borrow your identity one last time.
00:20:27Just try to see the forest through the trees.
00:20:29It's for the trees, you idiot, and the answer is no.
00:20:34I am not going to risk my chance at happiness for you.
00:20:37Thing is, Luke, I don't think you have any other options.
00:20:41Of course I do.
00:20:42I'll just suck it up and fly there.
00:20:44Truck's worthless anyway, and all my important stuff is already in my new place.
00:20:47Yeah, but you can't book a flight without your phone and your wallet.
00:20:50God damn it.
00:20:51Where is my wallet, Danny?
00:20:55It's in safe hands.
00:20:56You'll get it once we cross the border.
00:20:57I know that.
00:20:58Look, you want to cause me physical harm, but right now, I'm your best and only option.
00:21:02You'll still get there on time.
00:21:03I promise.
00:21:04Any questions?
00:21:05Can I at least have my shirt back?
00:21:07No.
00:21:07Oh, and there's something else I need to give you.
00:21:09Now, you're probably not ready to hear this, but that right there is a highly advanced homing beacon.
00:21:13This is a Rubik's suit covered in black Sharpie.
00:21:16Trust me, that's the highest of high tech.
00:21:17I do not trust you.
00:21:18And don't ask me how I got it.
00:21:20I'll just say it involved a full-figured Bigfoot suit, a live chicken, and a shit-ton of ketamine.
00:21:24Now, in the off chance that we get separated, you press this part down right here, and I'll know exactly
00:21:28where you are.
00:21:30Oh, shit, get down!
00:21:31What?
00:21:31Get down!
00:21:32No!
00:21:32At least take a knee!
00:21:34No!
00:21:34Oh, shit, the truck's been made.
00:21:36Oh, thank God.
00:21:38What?
00:21:38What?
00:21:39If you tattletale, I swear you'll never make it to your job.
00:21:41I'll tell them you're the mastermind behind all this.
00:21:43How are you going to do that?
00:21:44You really should rethink your password.
00:21:45Just add a few numbers or big letters.
00:21:47Those go a long way.
00:21:49What have you been doing?
00:21:50Enough to make it seem like you and I have been accomplices all along, but if you stick with me,
00:21:53I'll clear your name.
00:21:54Pinky swear.
00:21:54God damn it!
00:21:55That's okay, brother.
00:21:56I intended for plan A to fail.
00:21:58This is all part of the plan.
00:21:59We're just going to skip ahead to step 17.
00:22:02WWTSD.
00:22:03What would Todd Simmons do?
00:22:05How many hand grenades do you have on your person?
00:22:06Damn it.
00:22:07On second thought, we don't need a truck.
00:22:08Well, my passport isn't there.
00:22:10God damn it, Luke.
00:22:10What were you thinking?
00:22:11I was unconscious.
00:22:12I could say that again.
00:22:13That's them.
00:22:14Shit, plan C.
00:22:15Run!
00:22:15You'll never catch us!
00:22:17We're very armed and extremely deranged!
00:22:19Why would you say that?
00:22:20No, no, no, we're not.
00:22:21I'm not.
00:22:22I'm not.
00:22:23Fuck!
00:22:25This way!
00:22:27This way!
00:22:28This way!
00:22:28This way!
00:23:01This way!
00:23:03Woof!
00:23:08Woof!
00:23:08Woof!
00:23:10Woof!
00:23:11Woof!
00:23:15Woof!
00:23:19Woof!
00:23:33Hey, Jack!
00:23:36Hey, Jack!
00:23:44I need a salt.
00:23:48Ah, come on!
00:23:49Fuck!
00:23:50I'm so hungry, Jack!
00:23:50I'm so fucked! Why did you say that?
00:23:53That is nothing compared to what I told the authorities we've been doing for the last few weeks.
00:23:56No, you! Not we! You!
00:23:58Shut up!
00:23:59This is all happening according to the new plan that I just thought of.
00:24:02All we need is a ride so I can connect with an associate I have in the area, and that
00:24:06guy's perfect.
00:24:07You too, Ryan.
00:24:08Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
00:24:09I'm gonna tell him that my fiancé's dog, Stanley McRuffRuff, was stolen by a one-eyed Portuguese man,
00:24:14and we're on a desperate and inspiring rescue mission.
00:24:16Why would anyone believe that?
00:24:18Because no one wants to believe the truth anymore, man.
00:24:20And people don't let strangers with dull pants ride in their car willy-nilly.
00:24:23Why are you still no pants?
00:24:24Bingo bongo.
00:24:29What the fuck?
00:24:30You know, if something happened to my little ruff ruff, I'd do the same thing. Damn Portuguese.
00:24:36Amen, brother.
00:24:38Oh, right. For your information, I've kidnapped my brother and I'm forcing him to come along against his will.
00:24:44He wants to let you know in case you're a witness in a trial that'll never happen.
00:24:49Brothers, huh? I guess y'all do smell pretty similar.
00:24:56Danny, what the fuck are you doing?
00:24:57These are the exact coordinates. I triple checked.
00:25:00Oh, uh, excuse me. Sir, do you mind driving me to the hospital? I-I've been kidnapped!
00:25:03Nice try, Luke, but no one wants to believe the truth anymore. Just let me work.
00:25:08Now that neither of us have a passport because you're irresponsible,
00:25:11we're gonna require the services of a badger.
00:25:13It's like a Canadian coyote. She'll help us cross the border.
00:25:27Let's talk.
00:25:29No running, Eric!
00:25:33It's nice to see you again, Allison.
00:25:36It's been a while.
00:25:36This is my little brother, Luke.
00:25:39Ah, I know that look. You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?
00:25:44So, where are you two heading?
00:25:45I'm trying to get to Ottawa before Monday, and he's a wanted felon.
00:25:49Ottawa.
00:25:51What, you guys got family up there or something?
00:25:54Eric, slow the fuck down!
00:25:55You're a good brother, you know, helping Danny out like this.
00:25:58That man has opened my eyes to a lot of truths.
00:26:02Did you know there's a metropolis of squid people living directly beneath Santa Fe, New Mexico?
00:26:10I'm just playing. I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
00:26:12Push it, Eric. Push it.
00:26:13God damn it, Eric.
00:26:15I don't get it. You seem so...
00:26:17Look, when Danny called me up asking if I knew a badger, I just went, screw it. I'll be your
00:26:21badger.
00:26:22I've got nothing else to do right now. And Danny always knows how to spin nothing into something crazy and
00:26:25fun.
00:26:26This is not fun. Okay, before Danny came back, things in my life were just finally starting to make sense.
00:26:32And that's a good thing? Danny will clear your name. He's gotten me out of much tighter chance than this,
00:26:37trust me.
00:26:38And who knows, maybe by the end you'll no longer see this cup that's half-empty like me.
00:26:41Oh yeah? Why's that?
00:26:42Because I stopped drawing contacts. Can't see shit now.
00:26:44I just made contact with an associate of mine. He's gonna provide us with a new vehicle and weaponry.
00:26:49Can he be trusted?
00:26:50Oh yeah. We ran a lot of jobs together back in Pismo.
00:26:53No, no, no, no. Danny, please tell me you're not talking about Clio.
00:26:56I don't know what you'd like me to say then.
00:26:59Danny, come on. Isn't he like the president of the Flat Earth Society?
00:27:01No, not anymore. He knows the world is a three-dimensional isosceles triangle. Don't worry.
00:27:06He said to meet him at these coordinates.
00:27:09Jesus Christ!
00:27:10Relax, baby. You're in a sauna. This is definitely the spot. I quadruple-checked the coordinates.
00:27:16Wait, you said his name was Clio?
00:27:17Yeah. He purposely misspells his name to make himself harder to track. He's very smart.
00:27:24Come with me.
00:27:29Were you followed?
00:27:30I don't think so.
00:27:32What about that guy?
00:27:33No, he's not one of them.
00:27:35Well, who's the sheep?
00:27:37That's my little brother, Luke.
00:27:39Can he be trusted?
00:27:40Yeah, 100%. He's my brother.
00:27:42Ooh, so you found yourself a badger.
00:27:44Best in the business.
00:27:46Only the best for Danny.
00:27:47Okay, guys, can we please just hurry this up?
00:27:49How can I help?
00:27:50They need to get to Ottawa.
00:27:52Ottawa.
00:27:55And no, we don't have any family.
00:27:57Wait.
00:27:59You're going to Ottawa?
00:28:01There's no way you stole what I think you stole.
00:28:03Maybe I did.
00:28:05Oh, you really got it, huh?
00:28:07Then whip it out and show it to me.
00:28:12I'm going to give you that damn penny.
00:28:17You didn't realize that it's worth upwards of 27.7 million USD.
00:28:23He's exaggerating.
00:28:24Besides, it's not for sale.
00:28:25Now, can you help us with the vehicle and weaponry or not?
00:28:28You've been so old.
00:28:30And you...
00:28:32Yes.
00:28:32Yes, I can.
00:28:36Take your pick.
00:28:37Is this your entire inventory?
00:28:39Yeah.
00:28:40My mom isn't CEO of Gucci Vuitton, I'm sorry to say.
00:28:43Huh.
00:28:46Well, this one doesn't have any side mirrors.
00:28:49Yeah.
00:28:49Well, I had to kick them off to decrease wind resistance.
00:28:53Smart.
00:28:58Ooh.
00:29:00Impressive.
00:29:00If you want anything, all this stuff is 30% off.
00:29:13Hey.
00:29:14Sheep.
00:29:15Hey, Baba Sheep.
00:29:16Hey.
00:29:17Hey.
00:29:18You going to answer me or not?
00:29:20What was the question again?
00:29:22If Grover Cleveland showed up right here, right now, right next to you, and you got to ask him one
00:29:27question, what would it be?
00:29:28I don't know.
00:29:29I guess I'd ask him what he thought about current events and stuff.
00:29:34Wrong.
00:29:34Mm-mm.
00:29:36Okay.
00:29:36Clio, what would you ask him?
00:29:38How he did it.
00:29:40How he did what?
00:29:41Time travel.
00:29:42How did a man that size show up right here, right now, right next to you?
00:29:46That didn't weird you out or anything?
00:29:47That didn't spring up a bunch of questions in your mind?
00:29:50Danny, we already got the car, man.
00:29:51Can we just go?
00:29:52Jesus.
00:29:53Be careful, man.
00:29:54Relax.
00:29:55It's not even loaded.
00:29:56Whoa, Danny.
00:29:57What the fuck are you doing?
00:29:58What?
00:29:58There's nothing to worry about.
00:30:00See?
00:30:02Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
00:30:05Clio, you son of a bitch.
00:30:07You were trying to rip me off.
00:30:08Bullshit.
00:30:09You probably had the safety.
00:30:10It's off.
00:30:11Look.
00:30:13That is not how you test it.
00:30:16What?
00:30:16Let me see.
00:30:17Jesus, what is the matter with you guys?
00:30:19God!
00:30:21I don't understand it.
00:30:22It randomly discharged this morning.
00:30:24It should work.
00:30:25Hmm.
00:30:29Wouldn't it be funny if it just randomly went off right now?
00:30:35I mean a little.
00:30:36What?
00:30:38Hey.
00:30:41Hey.
00:30:42Hey, Mama, you want a taco?
00:30:43Okay.
00:30:44You're lost.
00:30:53Hey.
00:30:56Hey, Baba.
00:30:56Next question.
00:30:57If you could have brunch with one person, living, dead, or ghost, who would it be?
00:31:02My former self.
00:31:03Do you remind me to never, ever trust my brother?
00:31:06Seriously, if I miss out on this dig, I will literally shoot you.
00:31:09Wrong answer, pal.
00:31:10Okay, Clio.
00:31:12What's the right one then?
00:31:13Todd Simmons.
00:31:14Will someone please just tell me who the fuck this Todd Simmons guy is?
00:31:18Oh, shit!
00:31:19Oh, my God!
00:31:21I told you it worked!
00:31:23Oh, fuck!
00:31:24Oh, fuck!
00:31:25I've been fucking shot!
00:31:26You sure that wasn't there the whole time?
00:31:28God, no!
00:31:29Call 911!
00:31:29I'm fine.
00:31:30It's just a BB.
00:31:30Fuck you, Danny.
00:31:31It hurts!
00:31:32Check for an exit wound.
00:31:35Somebody help me!
00:31:36Somebody help me!
00:31:37Just bring him!
00:31:39Somebody!
00:31:41Not like that, you idiot!
00:31:47Badger, go upstairs to my room and get the band-aids for my grenade drawer.
00:31:51On it.
00:31:51All right, we gotta restrain him, because I'm gonna suck the bullet out.
00:31:54What the fuck?
00:31:55That's what you do with snake venom!
00:31:57Yeah, that doesn't sound right.
00:31:58Trust me.
00:31:58I'm a doctor.
00:31:59Oh, really?
00:32:00If you're a doctor, let's see your badge.
00:32:03Checks out.
00:32:04Proceed, Clio.
00:32:04Okay.
00:32:05Fuck!
00:32:07Oh, gross!
00:32:08He's vaccinated!
00:32:10Oh, shit!
00:32:11Somebody call out of him!
00:32:12To my wife!
00:32:13Please!
00:32:14I got him.
00:32:15It's okay, dude.
00:32:16I'll take care of you, all right?
00:32:18All right.
00:32:19No!
00:32:21It's just enough to ease the pain!
00:32:22How about we make our own exit wound?
00:32:24I'm gonna push the bullet all the way through.
00:32:26No!
00:32:27No!
00:32:28Wait!
00:32:28What is happening?
00:32:29What does it look like we're making an exit wound?
00:32:32Move!
00:32:32Let me try it.
00:32:33Run off!
00:32:34Run off!
00:32:34Oh, shit!
00:32:35Sorry, sorry!
00:32:35I'm playing at the bathroom!
00:32:37Ow!
00:32:38Ow!
00:32:40Okay.
00:32:41All right.
00:32:42Okay.
00:32:42Ah!
00:32:44Okay.
00:32:45That was satisfying.
00:32:47Everything's gonna be fine, brother.
00:32:49Woo!
00:32:52Oh, fuck Muffet.
00:32:55Clio.
00:32:55Clio.
00:33:03She must have just bought it.
00:33:04I swear, I didn't know!
00:33:05Well, now they know!
00:33:06Oh, easy, easy.
00:33:07He's pretty dazed.
00:33:10Run.
00:33:11Run!
00:33:11Run!
00:33:14Shotgun!
00:33:15Shotgun!
00:33:27Go, go, go, go, go!
00:33:31Oh, fuck Muffet.
00:33:34I think I just pissed my pants.
00:33:36We being followed?
00:33:37I don't know.
00:33:37I can't tell without any side view mirrors!
00:33:41Shit!
00:33:42Is that them?
00:33:43I think so.
00:33:44Good thing I called shotgun.
00:33:46Well, what the fuck are you doing, Danny?
00:33:48Calm down.
00:33:48It's okay, all right?
00:33:49I'm just gonna shoot out the tires.
00:33:52No blood shall be spilled this day.
00:33:54I mean, no additional blood.
00:33:58Goddammit, Clio!
00:33:59This one's busted, too!
00:34:00No toy!
00:34:00Why do you think it was in the parking bin?
00:34:02Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
00:34:04What do we do, man?
00:34:04The only thing we can do, we gotta get to a Taco Gary's.
00:34:07It's neutral territory.
00:34:09No member of the Coalition can do business inside of a Taco Gary's restaurant.
00:34:12Will you please let me out of the car?
00:34:14It's the truth, non-believer!
00:34:15When the Coalition was founded, fights broke out for tickets off-world.
00:34:18The head elders declared their favorite restaurant, Taco Gary's, as a safe zone.
00:34:23Violators of the safe zone had their eyes melted, and their souls sold on the galactic slave market.
00:34:28It's not that bad.
00:34:30He's exaggerating.
00:34:30The galactic slave market closed about seven years ago.
00:34:33Okay, just keep going straight.
00:34:35I think there's one just over Geremoni Ridge.
00:34:36Copy that!
00:34:37A powwow.
00:35:03You don't have to hide the asshole's back.
00:35:05You don't have to hide the demons and hide the Nine mole.
00:35:06On your wall.
00:35:07There's a movie movie movie calledrecipate.
00:35:07Sorry.
00:35:11Danny.
00:35:12It's okay. Stop staring.
00:35:14We're safe for now.
00:35:15We're safe for now, but how the heck are we gonna get out of here alive?
00:35:23I don't know. Are you guys sure she wants to kill us?
00:35:25Mm-hmm. What she wants is what I stole.
00:35:27And she'll happily string us up by her testicles to get it.
00:35:30And your vagina. Sorry.
00:35:32You should go before you're implicated any further.
00:35:35You can shove that idea.
00:35:37Because I'm going with you guys.
00:35:38All the way to Ottawa.
00:35:40I gotta see this thing through, buddy.
00:35:42No, I can't be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:35:44Oh, but this guy gets to go?
00:35:46This useless piece of this guy? No way.
00:35:49Probably couldn't shoot a pheasant out of the sky with a sightless crossbow.
00:35:52But you know who can? Cash Israel.
00:35:56You're not friends with him.
00:35:57Yes, I am.
00:35:58You guys are talking.
00:35:59Yeah, we're talking and we're tight.
00:36:00And he told me one thing. He said,
00:36:02I'm gonna teach you everything I know, pal.
00:36:04And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
00:36:06Look, what I have here is worth 27.7 million USD.
00:36:11I can...
00:36:12I cannot be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:36:16Fine.
00:36:17I'll leave.
00:36:19But I'm not going out without...
00:36:24What is this?
00:36:26It's not freaking heavy.
00:36:28What the...
00:36:29It's bolted.
00:36:37Fine.
00:36:40God damn it.
00:36:43Okay.
00:36:44Oh, Kyle's alive.
00:36:47What are you doing?
00:36:48Jesus.
00:36:49I don't know where...
00:36:50I am done with all of this.
00:36:52I'm taking whatever he's stolen.
00:36:53I'm calling the police.
00:36:54You can't do that.
00:36:56What about getting to Ottawa on time, huh?
00:36:57If I stay with you, I'll probably never make a...
00:36:59You're my fucking thing.
00:37:00Hey!
00:37:02Did you take something out of here?
00:37:04Huh?
00:37:05What the hell?
00:37:08What the fuck?
00:37:13Ugh!
00:37:14You truce-breaking fuck!
00:37:16What happened to Taco Gary's piece?
00:37:18I beg your pardon?
00:37:19Don't play dumb with me.
00:37:21I know you're a member of the Coalition.
00:37:22Danny!
00:37:23Danny!
00:37:29No, no, Kyle!
00:37:31No!
00:37:31No, no, no, no, no!
00:37:32Fuck!
00:37:33Fuck!
00:37:35God damn it!
00:37:37I swear to God, I'm gonna rip off his fucking head,
00:37:39shove it up his ass and fuck-
00:37:41Shut up!
00:37:45Listen to me.
00:37:46Very closely.
00:37:48You're fucking insane.
00:37:49Why?
00:37:51No, there is no but, asshole.
00:37:53Wow.
00:37:54I can't believe my own brother's turning against me, too.
00:37:57Of course you can't believe it, because it's the truth.
00:37:59Look at me.
00:37:59I have been shot and stabbed and drugged
00:38:02fucking kidnapped all in the last 16 hours.
00:38:04I know this sounds crazy, but it's still all part of the plan, okay?
00:38:07I don't like seeing you like this.
00:38:09You know how hard it is to be-
00:38:09Oh, my God!
00:38:10Are you actually trying to play the victim right now?
00:38:11Seriously?
00:38:12You have got to be the most selfishly psychotic fuck-up on the entire plan!
00:38:17And I am not gonna let you ruin my life anymore!
00:38:21Wait, don't-
00:38:21You can't go.
00:38:23This whole trip is about you.
00:38:26Mom and Dad were right to cut you out of their lives.
00:38:30And my only regret?
00:38:33Is that I didn't do the same.
00:38:35You are what's wrong with this world, Danny.
00:38:39Never contact me again.
00:38:45You coming?
00:38:49Come on, Allison.
00:38:51You are clearly a smart person.
00:38:53If you want some excitement in your life, just buy your Vespa.
00:38:55It's a lot safer than all this!
00:39:05I'm gonna stay with Danny.
00:39:08Okay!
00:39:10Okay!
00:39:12Am I the last same person left in this entire country?!
00:39:16Okay!
00:39:17Okay!
00:39:18It's okay.
00:39:19Just let him cool off a little bit.
00:39:20He ain't going far.
00:39:21You want a burrito?
00:39:22I'm starving.
00:39:37Okay.
00:39:42Uh, excuse me.
00:39:44Hey, uh, can-can I use your phone?
00:39:46I'm not allowed to let customers use the phone.
00:39:49Use your own damn phone.
00:39:50Great.
00:39:51Well, that is a very good idea, except it has been stolen,
00:39:54hence why I'm asking to borrow yours.
00:39:56Customs aren't allowed.
00:39:57Well, it's an emergency.
00:39:58What kind of emergency?
00:39:59Well, I have been kidnapped and shot, for one.
00:40:02You've been shot?
00:40:03You think I'm dumb?
00:40:05This motherfucker.
00:40:07Would it help if I told you that my fiancé's dog has been kidnapped by a one-eyed Portuguese
00:40:11man, and I need to tell the police about it?
00:40:13Of course.
00:40:269-1-1, what's your emergency?
00:40:28Yes, hello, hi.
00:40:28My name is Luke Davenport, and I have been kidnapped by my brother Danny Davenport.
00:40:32I believe he is wanted, or maybe we both are, but I am the victim here.
00:40:36I was the one who was kidnapped, and I have been drugged, and I have been shot, and-
00:40:40One moment, please.
00:40:45So, what brings you out here?
00:40:48Were you not listening?
00:40:49Well, the dog got right.
00:40:52Is your brother currently with you?
00:40:54No, he is not.
00:40:55What's your location?
00:40:57Hey, what's the name of this place?
00:40:59Huh?
00:41:00What's that?
00:41:01Where are we?
00:41:04You know, if anything happens to my little rough-ruff, I'll do the same.
00:41:08I don't-
00:41:13I'll tell your fucking head.
00:41:15I'll tell your fucking head.
00:41:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm on your side!
00:41:19Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm on your side.
00:41:20I don't really sound like that.
00:41:21Come on.
00:41:22Oh, what the fuck is that?
00:41:23Sir, that's my penis.
00:41:25Wow.
00:41:26Very nice.
00:41:26It's very nice.
00:41:27But a lot of skin.
00:41:28What's wrong with that?
00:41:28What?
00:41:28What?
00:41:29No.
00:41:29You don't understand.
00:41:30I would take it against my will.
00:41:32I-
00:41:32Shut the fuck up.
00:41:35It's Danny that you want, and I can tell you where he's going.
00:41:38You think I'm dumb?
00:41:40Ah, he's going to Ottawa.
00:41:42Him and your other accomplice.
00:41:43The cookie guy with the beautiful hair.
00:41:45No, but they are not my accomplices.
00:41:47So you do think I'm dumb?
00:41:48Okay.
00:41:49No.
00:41:49That's how we're gonna play?
00:41:50No, listen, I just, I just, I need to talk to a lawyer, okay?
00:41:52I do get one phone call.
00:41:53Oh, my friend, that is what you're on.
00:41:56You see, I'm not the police.
00:41:57And you, don't get to call nobody.
00:42:00What?
00:42:07Come on.
00:42:10Come on.
00:42:11What?
00:42:35What is this place?
00:42:37My summer bomb shelter, of course.
00:42:40Jason Biggs?
00:42:41What?
00:42:42Were you expecting Todd Simmons or something?
00:42:44Uh-oh.
00:42:46That was good.
00:42:47Oh, my goodness.
00:42:47That was fantastic.
00:42:49Oh, yeah, it was good.
00:42:50You're supposed to be dead.
00:42:52God, you look terrible, buddy.
00:42:54Tiago, did you offer him a drink?
00:42:55I did not.
00:42:56What about some mango?
00:42:56I could slice one up for you.
00:42:58I'm okay.
00:43:00What do you think, Tiago?
00:43:01Should we, like, tie him up or something?
00:43:03Is that a good idea?
00:43:03You know, it's really whatever you feel, Jason.
00:43:05I don't know, Tiago.
00:43:06That's why I was asking you.
00:43:08Do we even have rope?
00:43:09Oh, we have rope.
00:43:10Come on.
00:43:10Okay, great.
00:43:10Then we might as well use it.
00:43:12Right?
00:43:12Mm-hmm.
00:43:13Maybe some duct tape for his mouth?
00:43:15Huh?
00:43:16How's that look?
00:43:17Perfect.
00:43:17Okay.
00:43:18Well done, Tiago.
00:43:19Go have yourself some mango.
00:43:21Hey, man, I don't want to be rude, but I'm kind of, like, up to here with mangoes for
00:43:24today.
00:43:26So.
00:43:31Suit yourself.
00:43:33Lots of good mangoes not being taken advantage of.
00:43:36Sure.
00:43:37So, you are probably wondering why haven't we shot you in the face yet?
00:43:41Mm-hmm.
00:43:42It's because we need your brother, the criminal, formerly known as Sheriff Deacon Shrimp.
00:43:49You see, I am the victim here.
00:43:53Okay?
00:43:53Sure.
00:43:54Myself and thousands of others may be faking our death in order to...
00:43:58Well, I'm sure you know all that.
00:44:03What's that?
00:44:09Do you get...
00:44:10What?
00:44:11Just one more time.
00:44:13Uh...
00:44:14This is making me so uncomfortable.
00:44:16This whole, like, you know, tied up interrogation vibe, it makes me feel like the bad guy.
00:44:20And you're not the bad guy.
00:44:21Exactly.
00:44:21You are the victim.
00:44:23Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Yeah, a little bit.
00:44:25Scaling it back.
00:44:25Okay.
00:44:31Nope.
00:44:32Oh, okay.
00:44:35How does this look, Tiago?
00:44:36Yeah, you know, it looks like two guys just casually enjoying mangoes.
00:44:40Perfect!
00:44:41Perfect.
00:44:42Yeah, great.
00:44:42Great.
00:44:43Now, where was I?
00:44:44Ah, yes.
00:44:45The point is, I am not hurting anyone.
00:44:49But if I don't have my ticket, this whole charade would be for naught.
00:44:54Right?
00:44:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:55Right.
00:44:56So, I need you to contact your brother and explain the situation.
00:45:00What is the situation?
00:45:01That I'm being held hostage?
00:45:04Hold up.
00:45:05Whoa.
00:45:06Wait a minute.
00:45:07Stop that.
00:45:08Yikes.
00:45:09Whew, big word.
00:45:09No, that's, uh, ooh, that word.
00:45:11And again, I am not the bad guy.
00:45:15Okay?
00:45:16You know what?
00:45:17Yep.
00:45:17Tiago?
00:45:18Yep.
00:45:18Bring the ropes back.
00:45:20Okay.
00:45:21Much better.
00:45:22Much better.
00:45:23Now, you need to inform your brother that he has 24 hours to find that Kyle friend of
00:45:29is.
00:45:30Uh, it's, it's Klyle.
00:45:32What?
00:45:32His name is Klyle.
00:45:34Are you, like, stuttering?
00:45:35Or is...
00:45:35No, it's Klyle.
00:45:37Klyle?
00:45:38With, uh, an L sound?
00:45:39Yeah.
00:45:40Oh.
00:45:40K-L?
00:45:41Y-L-E.
00:45:42Oh.
00:45:43Stupid name.
00:45:44Yeah.
00:45:45That does explain, though, why he's been so difficult to track.
00:45:47He got you.
00:45:48Yeah.
00:45:48Very clever.
00:45:49Very clever.
00:45:50Regardless, you need to facilitate returning what is rightfully mine, or...
00:45:57This dog gets it.
00:45:59Who...
00:45:59Whose dog is that?
00:46:01Lives are on the line here!
00:46:04Don't make Tiago become the bad guy.
00:46:06I'll do it, but I don't want to.
00:46:07Daddy doesn't even have a cell phone.
00:46:09There's literally no way to contact him.
00:46:10Oh, well, in that case, Tiago.
00:46:12Bye-bye, puppy.
00:46:12No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:46:14I just remembered.
00:46:15He gave me this.
00:46:19Damn it.
00:46:20Oopsie.
00:46:20Tiago?
00:46:21Yep.
00:46:23Did we not frisk him?
00:46:24I did.
00:46:25I did, Jason.
00:46:25I swear.
00:46:26It's just I got super distracted by his massive amount of foreskin, man.
00:46:30It was like tickling a sharp paint, man.
00:46:32You could feel all that?
00:46:33Dude, you can see it!
00:46:35Oh, my God.
00:46:36Wow.
00:46:37You can see it.
00:46:38Yep.
00:46:39Very nice.
00:46:40What is it?
00:46:41I don't know.
00:46:41He told me it's like a locating beacon for if we ever get separated.
00:46:47This is obviously just a black Rubik's cube.
00:46:50Well, I see what's happening.
00:46:51You think we're dumb.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:53Nope.
00:46:54No.
00:46:54Not at all.
00:46:56I know my tech, and that is definitely some elder high tech right there.
00:47:00Okay, fine.
00:47:02How does it work, smart guy?
00:47:03I don't know.
00:47:07Um, what if I just like twist it?
00:47:10Good thinking.
00:47:10Great.
00:47:11Your turn.
00:47:11Oh, no!
00:47:13No, no, no, no!
00:47:16No, no, no!
00:47:16No, no, no, no.
00:47:41goes to sleep, wakes up a butterfly. Oh, what the fuck is that about? What the fuck is that about?
00:48:10There's Mr. Sleepyhead. What happened? I don't know. You were just having one crazy-ass nightmare
00:48:16or something. I'm just kidding. Jason Biggs really did kidnap you. I figured you'd wander
00:48:21off at some point and get snagged by one of his minions, so the beacon I gave you was
00:48:25actually an elder stun grenade. What the fuck is going on? I haven't been completely honest
00:48:36with you. No shit. The police aren't the only ones that are after me. I had in my possession
00:48:41extremely classified information, proof that aliens not only exist, but have been living
00:48:45amongst us since the 1996 Summer Olympics. You just had your first run-in with a member
00:48:53of the coalition. They're a group of tech giants and celebrities and politicians who have been
00:48:58secretly dealing with said extraterrestrial beings, we call them elders, selling earth's
00:49:03natural resources for decades. The coalition agreed to let the elders suck the earth dry
00:49:13under two conditions. One, that they would provide space shuttles to go to a new habitable world,
00:49:17and two, that they'd get 10% of the back end.
00:49:24Why do you think so many rich and famous people have been dying at such a rapid pace these last
00:49:28few years? Take Jason Biggs, for instance. It's because they're not dying. They're covering
00:49:32up for the fact that they're leaving this godforsaken rock for greener pastures.
00:49:36I didn't believe it either until I saw Jason Biggs face down in a mango.
00:49:38It might be the most insane conspiracy theory on the planet, but if everything Danny's saying
00:49:42is true, then, you know, we gotta do something about it.
00:49:45I don't care. Stop involving me in this.
00:49:50We want to let the world know that the planet is being sold off by the coalition.
00:49:54I don't care! I just want to go to Ottawa, that's it!
00:49:58We're gonna make it to Ottawa, and you're gonna get there on time. And once the whistle is blown,
00:50:01no one can touch us. Like Snowden and other tattletales, we'll be protected,
00:50:05and our names will be cleared. But you're gonna have to stick with us, okay buddy? How do you feel
00:50:11about that?
00:50:20Goddamn coalition. We don't have time for this.
00:50:23Ooh!
00:50:35You all right?
00:50:36I just wanted a better life.
00:50:39A fresh start in a new place.
00:50:41You'll get it.
00:50:42One way or another.
00:50:44Look at what he's done to me.
00:50:48Oh wait, you can't, because you prefer to be blind. This isn't normal!
00:50:55There's no such thing as normal, Luke.
00:50:57Look, I used to have a strong narrative that I believed in, but after my mom's death
00:51:01and losing everything to a houseboat fire, I realized the only way I was gonna survive
00:51:05this chaotic world is if I just kept admitting to myself that I don't get it.
00:51:09I had to accept the absurdity, accept the chaos, accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
00:51:14Okay. We gotta go. Right now.
00:51:24Hey boss, could I just have like a couple of notes, but like I don't want you to take this
00:51:29the wrong way, okay?
00:51:31Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
00:51:32Okay, sometimes I feel like we can like shorten the time between like talking to the people
00:51:39and like killing them.
00:51:40That's a good note. Good note. Thank you.
00:51:42You know, the power that you exude when you like say less is wow.
00:51:47I understand what you're saying. I get it. I get it. Thank you, Tiago.
00:51:50But do, like, do you though?
00:51:51Yes, Tiago. I said I get it.
00:51:53God.
00:51:59I thought what you'd like to end this race, come to the following coordinates with 27.7 million
00:52:06dollars and a large Gucci Vuitton briefcase. This is quiet, by the way. You know I don't mess
00:52:12around.
00:52:19I don't want to turn this off. I was not cheating.
00:52:22Nope.
00:52:23Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Did you hear that?
00:52:29No, I'm pretty far away.
00:52:30What?
00:52:31No, because I'm pretty far away.
00:52:33Okay. Hey, Tiago, what rhymes with 12.30 a.m.?
00:52:39Phlegm?
00:52:39Phlegm. Okay, yeah. I can make that work.
00:52:42Oh, looks like Clio just crossed the border.
00:52:45How do you know?
00:52:46Oh, same reason I knew where Luke was. Microchips. You see, your soccer mom conspiracy theorist
00:52:51thinks that the government tracks us through vaccines. Not true. In fact, not even the elders
00:52:55have that kind of tech. No, it's any time you go get your teeth cleaned or a cavity filled,
00:52:59the dentist injects you with microchips.
00:53:01So you're saying all dentists are actually undercover government agents?
00:53:04Contractors, yes. Think about it. I mean, have you ever met a dentist that doesn't
00:53:07seem like they're hiding some horrible secret? The answer is no. So, what's our plan for
00:53:12crossing, Badger?
00:53:13Ah. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. Now it's time for you to get a taste of
00:53:20your own bullshit.
00:53:21Go on, tell them, Allison. Tell them that you're not really a badger or whatever the fucker.
00:53:25No, no, no, no. Better yet, why don't you say, I haven't been completely honest with you,
00:53:30Danny. Luke, I don't think you...
00:53:32No, no, no. Just tell them the truth.
00:53:38I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:40Ha ha ha. What do you mean?
00:53:48I mean, the sub-trainian bobsled track that was big enough to smuggle cars collapsed last
00:53:54fall. We're gonna have to pass across 1-11 using a basic diversion tactic. From 3pm to 5pm there are
00:53:58only two agents stopping us from getting across.
00:53:59From there it's a straight shot to Highway 34.
00:54:03Goddammit! So your sub-terranean bobsled track, that's like a Canadian version of an underground
00:54:07railroad. Shut up!
00:54:08Well, it would've been perfect, no matter. So, uh, what's your diversion plan?
00:54:12I'll leave that up to you, but it's gotta be big. Um, afterwards, meet up at these coordinates
00:54:16just north of the border. Copy that. Roger. Over and out. These days it's hard to hold anyone's
00:54:21attention, so it's gotta make as little sense as possible. We need to make a few stops.
00:54:38Woo! Well, that went smoothly. Okay, according to Clio's teeth, he's just off the main road by
00:54:43Big Mountain Crest. Aren't you gonna even ask me how I made it look like I sucked the blood out
00:54:47of that
00:54:47live chicken without actually having...
00:55:17What happened? Is that rhetorical, or can you actually not see? Both.
00:55:29Whoa.
00:55:32I can tell by Clio's teeth he's still alive. We just have to follow his tracks. And you can see
00:55:37here he
00:55:38was dragged off by several people, or one person who was really good at breakdancing. We'll go with the former.
00:55:49You okay, bud? Oh yeah, I'm totally cool, man. I know that look. You look like you're about to
00:55:55have a psychotic break. Right again, Danny? You've actually been right about a lot lately. But...
00:56:01No, there's no but, man. You're fucking Galileo. You're the boy with the wolf. In fact, I can't
00:56:07believe I'm about to say this after everything that you put me through, but I am sorry for ever
00:56:12doubting you. You clearly know more about how the world works than I do. Like, I would give you a
00:56:17hug right now if I could, but you know, bleh. Well, that's so sweet. I'm glad you finally came around.
00:56:24Yeah.
00:56:28Aw, love you, man. Love you, too.
00:56:33Fuck! Back off! Back off!
00:56:35I am cop. I am being cop. I'm the only one who's cop. No, no, no, no.
00:56:39Die!
00:56:40Oh, that's better. Ow! What are you doing?
00:56:43Oh, my!
00:56:44Oh, fuck!
00:56:46Stop, stop, stop!
00:56:47Ooh!
00:56:49Fuck! Stop!
00:56:50Oh, Jesus Christ!
00:56:52You look at me! You can't even see! You can't see any of this!
00:56:55Get the fucking glasses!
00:56:56What? No, stop! Okay, enough! Fuck!
00:57:00Ah! Ah!
00:57:01Ah! Fuck! I did too much. Give me one more.
00:57:03Ah! Yeah, we're even. Okay.
00:57:05Oh!
00:57:06Ah!
00:57:06Oh, my God!
00:57:08Oh, me! Wait! What about our deal?
00:57:10I'm dealing with this!
00:57:11Hey, a deal is a deal. We signed the contract in Taco Gary's
00:57:13guacamole picante. I did my part.
00:57:15Okay. Take your damn ticket.
00:57:19Wait up!
00:57:21Good luck.
00:57:25Got the golden ticket.
00:57:27I'm not mad, bro. I'm proud of you for taking the initiative.
00:57:30You don't need me anymore. Let me go!
00:57:32There's no point in leaving, Luke. I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:57:38There is no job in Ottawa.
00:57:40Nice try. Go fuck yourself.
00:57:42There's not. I made the whole thing up.
00:57:44It's not gonna work!
00:57:45All right, if you don't believe me, take the name of that new dinosaur,
00:57:50Snomastat, and spell it backwards.
00:57:51No!
00:57:54That's the stupidest thing I've ever...
00:58:02No.
00:58:04No.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:05No.
00:58:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It spells Todd Simmons, doesn't it?
00:58:10I'm sorry, brother, but the ends justify the beans, okay? This is for your own good.
00:58:17It was you? This whole time? The months of emails and the calls? The fucking femur bump?
00:58:29Yeah. It was a lot of work, but I knew it was the only way to safely get you to
00:58:34Ottawa.
00:58:37Why do you hate me so much?
00:58:38I don't hate you. I love you, and it doesn't change anything. Whether you like it or not,
00:58:44I'm the one that got you into this mess, and I'm the only one who could get you out,
00:58:47so we have to stick together. All right, look, feel free to punch me. I deserve it. Come on,
00:58:51let me have it. I can't feel my face anyway.
00:59:10Come on, bro. I'm sorry. Just let me explain everything, all right?
00:59:20Clile, you dirty piece of shit. I know exactly what happened here. He's trying to give the prize
00:59:26back to the Coalition, but got taken instead. The backstabber becomes the backstab...
00:59:32stabby, got stabbed in the back guy. If he only knew that money would be completely worthless in
00:59:38two weeks anyways. Who's that? It's Jason Biggs. He's trying to... Never mind.
00:59:49There we go. Here we go. Okay, do the rope. Rope, rope, rope, rope.
00:59:54Yeah, there you go. Okay. Very hostage. Hey, hey, look at me. No, look at me. I'm not the bad
01:00:00guy,
01:00:00okay? I'm as much of a victim as you are. You think I want to be here? I don't want
01:00:05to be doing this.
01:00:05Neither do I. That's why I'm out of here. Sweep. Oh, shit. What is he doing?
01:00:10I believe he's trying to kick us. Sweep.
01:00:13And that's why you never take martial arts lessons from Cash Israel. It's all leg sweeps.
01:00:18Sweep. Marco.
01:00:19I mean, follow. Okay. No, follow the sweep.
01:00:21Man, go over there. Marco. Follow. Okay, now go over there.
01:00:26Sweep. Follow. To you. How long do we let this go? Sweep. What is he doing?
01:00:31Act kick. Hey, hey. Hey, come. Okay. Let's lay down over there, man. Is it the rest area?
01:00:39Yeah, rest area. Just watch the knees. Watch the knees.
01:00:42You got some electrolytes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you.
01:00:49Oh, God.
01:00:51Go check the minivan. It's got to be in there somewhere. Yes. They don't have it yet.
01:00:55Hold my weight. Okay, I got you. Wait a minute.
01:00:57Remember when Clio was talking about a secret smuggling compartment under the minivan passenger seat?
01:01:01Oh, shit. They killed him. Yes, it has to be there. Come on.
01:01:08Come on, bro.
01:01:12She stranded us here. I should have known better.
01:01:15It's like Todd Simmons always said. Danny. Hang on. Hang on.
01:01:21I think it's in here. I got it. I got it. I found it.
01:01:25I got it. I don't care.
01:01:27Well, you should care. This is probably the most important thing that you'll ever crack.
01:01:36Sir, can I have a hug? Sir, can I just please have one hug?
01:01:44Sorry, man.
01:01:47Oh, let's do this.
01:01:49Hey, how many times did you drink me again?
01:01:50Ten? I don't know. Like five?
01:01:51I need a bump of coke. Oh, dear.
01:01:56You're going to be kidding me.
01:02:03Come on.
01:02:15Fuck it. Fuck it.
01:02:20Whoa. Sorry, man.
01:02:22Oh, God.
01:02:27Too many fucking pedals.
01:02:29Ah, this is work. Fuck.
01:02:38No, leave me alone.
01:02:46Hang on, Danny.
01:03:00Oh, my God!
01:03:06No.
01:03:07Help me municipal.
01:03:10Oh my God.
01:03:12Let's go to yourผม.
01:03:13No, no, no.
01:03:14God.
01:03:14So loud.
01:03:15Oh.
01:03:15Oh my God.
01:03:17Oh my God.
01:03:17Welcome back to Taco Gary's.
01:03:22Check your weapons in with me, sir.
01:03:28Okay.
01:03:37Okay, buddy. Wakey, wakey.
01:03:42It's okay, it's okay. You're safe now.
01:03:44What happened? Where are we? Are we in the shuttle?
01:03:45No, we're at Taco Gary's. You passed out.
01:03:48Oh, really?
01:03:48Yeah. That doesn't sound like me.
01:03:50I must have been trying to teach you a valuable life lesson or something.
01:03:53Hey, guys. I gotta say, this has been a blast.
01:03:57Really. All the chasing and the shooting.
01:03:59Wow. How fun.
01:04:01Okay, it has had its moments.
01:04:03Come on, right? We've been having a great time.
01:04:05What was your favorite? Like the...
01:04:07Uh, Marco Polo was funny. That was really funny.
01:04:09Watching him run around, he was like...
01:04:11He thought there were like six of you.
01:04:12Yeah, I wasn't.
01:04:12It was great.
01:04:13Uh, anyway, please hand it over.
01:04:15Oh, you want it?
01:04:17Okay, listen.
01:04:18This motherfucker.
01:04:19We are aware...
01:04:20Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.
01:04:21We are aware of the Taco Gary's truce,
01:04:23but you're gonna have to leave eventually if you wanna catch that shuttle.
01:04:26Oh, really? So you could kill us, too?
01:04:28If you just hand over the ticket, we will let bygones be bygones.
01:04:32You blew my best friend's head off.
01:04:35He said you were just associates.
01:04:36No, we were best...
01:04:39Actually, you know what? I never really liked the guy.
01:04:41Hey, guys, look me in the eyeball. Right here, okay?
01:04:44Last chance to save your skins.
01:04:45Please just fucking hand it over.
01:04:47Yeah, just give it back to him, baby.
01:04:48No.
01:04:49Fuck you, Jason Biggs, and your Portuguese Popeye.
01:04:52Super rude.
01:04:52People need to know about this.
01:04:54Why? So they can pretend to know what's best for humanity?
01:04:56Please.
01:04:58Leave that to us celebrities.
01:05:00Yeah, and celebrity-adjacent people.
01:05:01No.
01:05:02No.
01:05:02You talked about this to me.
01:05:03Just celebrities.
01:05:04Sorry I did it again.
01:05:05That is enough!
01:05:07Oh, my goodness.
01:05:11What's this now?
01:05:12It's a pierced-eyed elder.
01:05:13What?
01:05:13A fucking alien, dude.
01:05:27You two.
01:05:28Stand up.
01:05:29Your Majesty, these are the ones that have...
01:05:31Silence, unless you would like to ejaculate guacamole picante.
01:05:35What?
01:05:36I can make any human secrete guacamole picante from any orifice.
01:05:40Behold.
01:05:42Oh.
01:05:45Oh.
01:05:46Fuck.
01:05:48See?
01:05:49What do you want, you conquistador?
01:05:53Clever.
01:05:54Follow me.
01:05:55Follow me.
01:05:56Daniel.
01:05:57Lucas.
01:05:59We travel by Silver Sonic.
01:06:02No one would suspect the master race of the galaxy to drive a spacious yet affordable compact sedan.
01:06:07A great cover with a great turning radius.
01:06:10Just get to the point.
01:06:11Ah, yes.
01:06:12I have been following you two for some time now.
01:06:14VP.
01:06:15You want to expose us.
01:06:17Hell yeah, we do.
01:06:18This can't be.
01:06:19How?
01:06:20Why is...
01:06:21A galactic super race interested in Earth?
01:06:23I will soon show you.
01:06:25Trust me, Luke.
01:06:25You don't want to know.
01:06:26No, no, no.
01:06:27He should know the whole truth.
01:06:29We are here for the same reason why your people invade, well, anywhere.
01:06:35Oil.
01:06:35For fuck's sakes.
01:06:37Yes, it is true.
01:06:38Every planet in the galaxy runs on oil.
01:06:41Told you, Luke.
01:06:42It's fucking bonkers.
01:06:44We are currently collecting the last of your earthly reserves.
01:06:46Once our extraction is complete, we plan on exterminating all life on this planet.
01:06:51Why?
01:06:53Dead organic material mixes with other sediment when buried.
01:06:56Over millions of years, under high pressure and high temperature,
01:07:00the remains of these organisms transform into what we know as fossil fuels.
01:07:05By exterminating all life, we are simply creating a new oil reserve to be harvested in 16 million years,
01:07:12which to an elder is not long at all.
01:07:14We did the same process with the organisms you call dinosaurs.
01:07:19You killed the dinosaurs?
01:07:20Literally my one and only interest?
01:07:23Told you you aren't ready.
01:07:24No.
01:07:25No, no, no.
01:07:25This doesn't make any sense because if you can fly through space and live for millions of years,
01:07:30then why don't you just synthesize your own fucking oil?
01:07:31Well, it is very political.
01:07:34Too many jobs would be lost by transitioning to greener hypercoils.
01:07:38Fucking unions.
01:07:39However, we are not barbarian invaders.
01:07:42Therefore, we have made a deal with your chieftains.
01:07:45In exchange for the oil and destruction of all life, we have allowed for passage to a brand new planet
01:07:51development in the Midwestern Milky Way.
01:07:54I think I'm gonna throw up.
01:07:58Was it something I said?
01:08:00Uh, yeah.
01:08:01It's everything you said.
01:08:03Listen, human.
01:08:05We elders are not without our empathy.
01:08:08I feel your plight.
01:08:10And your anguish.
01:08:13Cool.
01:08:14You'll be glad to know that I will be asking our board of directors for a 100-year delay in
01:08:19humanity's destruction.
01:08:20100 years?
01:08:21Yes.
01:08:22All you must do is continue to keep our existence a secret.
01:08:27Why?
01:08:28I wasn't sworn to anything.
01:08:29I'm not part of the coalition.
01:08:30You are now.
01:08:46Fuck it.
01:08:48And I will transfer the $27.7 million into your bank account immediately.
01:08:53Was that all?
01:08:54You're forgetting one thing.
01:08:56Ah, yes.
01:08:57I will also free the squid people underneath Santa Fe, New Mexico.
01:09:01Great.
01:09:02I gotta hand it to you.
01:09:03I was not expecting this from a smug alien fuck like yourself, but you got yourself a deal.
01:09:09Fantastic.
01:09:10Now we seal the agreement with a simple genital cupping.
01:09:13Of course we do.
01:09:14Fucking the weirdos.
01:09:17They're a little higher.
01:09:19Oh, Jesus.
01:09:23Come now.
01:09:31Ow.
01:09:33Oh, dear luck.
01:09:36There.
01:09:37Happy now?
01:09:37We got all the proof that you need and then we could just return the whatever the fuck
01:09:41to Jason and...
01:09:42What the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:09:44We were just about to...
01:09:46Actually, you know what?
01:09:47Fuck it.
01:09:47It's better this way.
01:09:47Come on.
01:09:48Let's go.
01:09:48What about the alien?
01:09:51Oh, yeah.
01:09:53Uh...
01:09:54I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:09:56Oh, damn it.
01:09:57The plan was never to reveal them to the world or blow any whistles, okay?
01:10:01Then why are you doing all of this?
01:10:03What is the point?
01:10:04Why did I just assault a freaking alien?
01:10:07I didn't tell you to do that!
01:10:09Look, whatever.
01:10:09The world's about to end and the shuttle's leaving today, so forget this thing and it's
01:10:12a two-headed dick.
01:10:13Come on.
01:10:13Come on.
01:10:25Please, answer the question.
01:10:27What?
01:10:28Why are you trying to fuck me over so hard?
01:10:29Why am I here?
01:10:31I told you, the shuttle is here.
01:10:32What shuttle?
01:10:35Fuck!
01:10:37Bingo bongo.
01:10:41The entrance to the spaceport is around here somewhere.
01:10:43I'm 99.7% sure this is where the elders first made contact.
01:10:46This is where they had their first Taco Gary's taco.
01:10:48It has to be here.
01:10:49It could look like anything.
01:10:50It could be tiny.
01:10:51It could be invisible.
01:10:52It definitely won't look like a door.
01:11:10It could do that.
01:11:18What is it?
01:11:19Is this it?
01:11:26Yes!
01:11:27Yes!
01:11:28Goodbye!
01:11:30Yes!
01:11:31Come on.
01:11:38There, there, there.
01:11:43Don't go!
01:11:47Welcome to the Taco Garry's Interstellar Spaceport.
01:11:52Holy shit.
01:12:00Welcome to the Taco Garry's Interstellar Spaceport.
01:12:04Located in beautiful Ottawa, the birthplace of the big local.
01:12:09The big burrito.
01:12:10And don't forget to come to the United of the Taco Garry's Interstellar Spaceport.
01:12:15With our famous sloppy sauce.
01:12:17It's always fun to be the best at Taco Garry's.
01:12:21So eat up like there's no tomorrow.
01:12:24Luke, I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:12:29Yeah, I know that.
01:12:30No, but you don't know why.
01:12:32The reason I haven't been completely honest with you until this exact moment
01:12:35is because you'd never believe it all at once.
01:12:38It's fair.
01:12:39When I found out that we only had a couple weeks left,
01:12:41I knew I had to get you on the last shuttle out of here.
01:12:43And I know, I've done nothing but lie to you.
01:12:46But if there was ever a time for you to trust me, it's right now.
01:12:51So you're gonna take this ticket, and you're gonna get on that shuttle.
01:12:55You know why?
01:12:57Because your life depends on it.
01:13:00Take it.
01:13:01But it's my ticket.
01:13:03It was meant for me.
01:13:04You are not seeming to grasp the complaint here.
01:13:07Present it and you may board.
01:13:08It was stolen!
01:13:09Oh, that's too bad.
01:13:10Possession may be nine tenths of the law for humans.
01:13:12It is 100% for elders.
01:13:14We do not have laws against stealing.
01:13:16What? Why not?
01:13:17Because we do not steal.
01:13:18Duh.
01:13:19Every elder has what he slash she slash needs.
01:13:22And it's portable gasoline.
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:25What?
01:13:26To the excess what?
01:13:27Look, this isn't fair, okay?
01:13:29I faked my own death already!
01:13:30I'm sorry.
01:13:31But no ticket.
01:13:32No boarding.
01:13:33Jason, look!
01:13:36Go, go, go!
01:13:40Next.
01:13:40Attention all passengers.
01:13:42The shuttle will be boarding in seven minutes.
01:13:44But what about you?
01:13:45Don't worry about me.
01:13:46You've done enough of that in your life.
01:13:47Okay?
01:13:48This is me returning the favor.
01:13:49No, no.
01:13:50Because if all that were true, then why me, man?
01:13:54And why not like a doctor or even a competent swimmer?
01:13:58Because you offer something that most of these self-entitled important people here don't.
01:14:03You are a good person.
01:14:06You care about your neighbors, your family.
01:14:08You make people feel good about themselves.
01:14:10Yeah, sure.
01:14:11The new world will need innovators and goal-driven risk-takers to keep humanity moving forward.
01:14:17But kind, delicate, good neighbors like yourself are the foundation.
01:14:22So knowing that there'll be good people like you on Earth 2.0 gives me hope.
01:14:27And that's more than enough for me.
01:14:31This is absolutely insane.
01:14:33I know it is.
01:14:34It's fucking insane.
01:14:35But I need you to embrace the chaos.
01:14:37I need you to accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
01:14:40Look, I'm asking you.
01:14:42Do you trust me?
01:14:50I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...
01:14:54Yeah.
01:14:55Thanks, man.
01:14:56Cough, cough.
01:14:58I can't believe my good luck.
01:15:00Makes me wonder why I didn't just wait for you guys here.
01:15:02But alas, can't change the past.
01:15:05Anyway, this is the part of the story.
01:15:07Hello?
01:15:08What?
01:15:08You're doing it again, man.
01:15:09Doing what again?
01:15:10The fucking monologue.
01:15:11We talked about this.
01:15:12Sorry.
01:15:12Can I please just shoot them?
01:15:13Much simpler.
01:15:14No more monologues.
01:15:15Thank you very much.
01:15:19Tiago?
01:15:20Yep.
01:15:20That was on me.
01:15:21So sorry.
01:15:23What the fuck, man?
01:15:30This way.
01:15:43Where are you now?
01:15:51Oopsie.
01:15:52Looks like it's over, no?
01:15:55You see, we are covering the only exit.
01:15:59But tell you what.
01:16:00You come on out and there will be no more bloodshed.
01:16:04From Esa Portuguesa.
01:16:05Now that is a Portuguese promise.
01:16:11I knew it would end one day in an office.
01:16:13What?
01:16:14Nothing.
01:16:14I have a plan.
01:16:16When I give you the signal, you run back to the space door.
01:16:19Got it?
01:16:20What about you?
01:16:20Didn't I tell you to stop worrying about me?
01:16:26What the fuck?
01:16:34Bingo bongo, get your tickets to outer space, hear?
01:16:37Hey.
01:16:40Hey, assholes.
01:16:41I have your prize.
01:16:42Come and get it.
01:16:43Jesus.
01:16:44What the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:16:46Come and get it, you mango-eating motherfuckers.
01:16:50Hey, Luke.
01:16:51This is the signal.
01:16:52Go, go, go.
01:16:53Luke, go run.
01:16:56Well, well, well.
01:16:58Seems to me.
01:16:59Brother, please, not another fucking monologue.
01:17:01Please.
01:17:01You're right.
01:17:01Let me just do this.
01:17:02Go ahead, go ahead.
01:17:03Thank you so much.
01:17:04Run, Luke!
01:17:05Luke!
01:17:10So many ears got a face that's old.
01:17:14Saw the world unfold.
01:17:17And the truth be told.
01:17:19In a steadfast love.
01:17:22In a steadfast love.
01:17:38Oh, my God, that feels so satisfying.
01:17:40They look great.
01:17:41They look so good.
01:17:42Yeah, they look really good.
01:17:44Let's clean up.
01:17:46Is this empty?
01:17:46Son of a...
01:17:47It's empty!
01:17:48What?
01:17:48That motherfucker's right there!
01:17:49Son of a...
01:17:51Come on!
01:17:52Come on!
01:17:53Come on!
01:18:03Come on!
01:18:19The boarding pass, please.
01:18:23I know what you're thinking.
01:18:24Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me already?
01:18:26Doesn't even matter, as the world will end in two weeks.
01:18:28But this isn't easy for us.
01:18:29Jesus Christ, man.
01:18:30Can you literally not help yourself with the monologue shit?
01:18:34Sorry, did...
01:18:34What do you mean the world's gonna end in two weeks?
01:18:37Oh, come on.
01:18:38I told you this is the last shuttle.
01:18:40I thought you figured it out already.
01:18:42No, I didn't figure it out.
01:18:43Wait, are the elders destroying the Earth?
01:18:45No, no, no, not at all.
01:18:46Oh, thank goodness.
01:18:47Just all life on Earth.
01:18:48What?
01:18:48Why didn't you just tell me the truth, man?
01:18:50No one wants to believe the truth anymore.
01:18:52You said I wouldn't inherit your fortune.
01:18:54You still do.
01:18:55And I have, like, two weeks to spend it?
01:18:56Twelve days, technically.
01:18:57Oh!
01:18:58You lied.
01:18:59Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:19:00Thiago, what are you doing, bud?
01:19:02Come on, it's me, Jason.
01:19:05So I wasn't completely honest with you, but it was for your own good, buddy.
01:19:09I wanted your last precious moments to be lived in blissful ignorance.
01:19:14Again, I am the good guy here.
01:19:16Actually, no, Jason.
01:19:17You are not the good guy.
01:19:18You are the bad guy.
01:19:20You have always been the bad guy.
01:19:23You take that back.
01:19:25I am the hero.
01:19:28Leonardo, come on, help me out here.
01:19:32This is why you should never trust the Portuguese.
01:19:34What did you say?
01:19:34What was that?
01:19:35You said something about the Portuguese?
01:19:35No, nothing.
01:19:36No, fuck you, man.
01:19:37You know how it changed for you?
01:19:39And fuck this eye patch.
01:19:40You know he told me to wear it because it would make me more intimidating?
01:19:43Well, guess what?
01:19:43It doesn't.
01:19:44This gun does.
01:19:45New plan.
01:19:46I'm taking the fucking ticket.
01:19:50The hell?
01:19:52What is that supposed to be?
01:19:54Is that supposed to be, uh...
01:19:56Uh, give me a sec.
01:19:57Can't take my eyes off it.
01:19:58Look at it.
01:19:59Give me a second.
01:20:00Give me a sec.
01:20:01But what's the significance of the boobs, though?
01:20:03It's super hypnotic, but it makes no sense, though.
01:20:06Wait a minute.
01:20:07Wait a minute.
01:20:08It's not supposed to make any sense.
01:20:11Because it's a ruse.
01:20:17Fartmuffin!
01:20:21He's shot there!
01:20:22I know.
01:20:23Just keep running me.
01:20:25There's a final boarding call from the last shuttle's new earth.
01:20:28The doors will be closing momentarily.
01:20:30If you do not wish to be incinerated and repurposed as fossil fuel,
01:20:32please proceed to gate immediately.
01:20:41I got it.
01:20:42I got it.
01:20:43I got it.
01:20:44I got it.
01:20:47I got it.
01:20:54Excuse me, sirs.
01:20:56But murder is not allowed in a Taco Gary's.
01:20:59And this port is technically on Taco Gary's property.
01:21:02So, you know the penalty.
01:21:04You see why I kept you in the dark?
01:21:06I see it now.
01:21:07I'm sorry.
01:21:14What's that smell?
01:21:16I don't know, dude.
01:21:17Mangos?
01:21:18Oh, yes.
01:21:18Mangos!
01:21:22Oh, dear.
01:21:25Welcome aboard.
01:21:31Oh, dear.
01:21:46Well, I came along to find a little piece of mine.
01:21:51Neglecting all my duties, stepping off that straight in line.
01:21:54Now I just sit for my front door built within the lint and sounds.
01:21:58It's like I'm watching the water on my brows.
01:22:03Look, Luke, this is gonna be hard to hear, but it's what Dan expected to happen all along.
01:22:10He never planned on leaving, but he didn't want you to be alone.
01:22:13I still don't get it.
01:22:15Embrace it.
01:22:16Look, this is the norm, Luke.
01:22:18The world is always ending.
01:22:20Things never make total sense.
01:22:21And sometimes our only option is to just go with the flow.
01:22:24It's the one thing we can control.
01:22:28Do you know who said that?
01:22:33Do you know who said that?
01:22:42Todd Simmons.
01:22:50And now you get it.
01:23:05I am.
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