- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:09Eyebrows is always doing your eyebrows is like parallel parking you're like everyone stop talking
00:00:16turn the music down it was like a gay icon but like consistently dresses poorly Barbara fucking
00:00:27Streisand oh I'm gonna get dragged she is so tacky I don't know what you're talking her outfits are
00:00:36insane you know she makes her own outfit sometimes I have absolutely yeah Barbara Streisand is a
00:00:44millionaire I have to make them I'm driving Barbara Streisand ugly dress and it's gonna
00:00:48my phone's gonna explode it's gonna say narrow it down Jesus what are we looking at
00:00:57what is this she's 77 is she going to a Ren fair what is going on Cher is older than
00:01:05she is what
00:01:06oh the choker the I remember this this fucking choker it made me want to choke her
00:01:17if you ask someone how was your stand up how's my stand up special and they say you look nice
00:01:21that's a read they are reading you right to your face you know what I mean I want them to
00:01:28say that
00:01:28but like maybe last but oh my god it was so funny I couldn't stop laughing at this and I
00:01:33really related
00:01:33to this and you look nice you ever seen there with the Franklin talking about Taylor Swift they asked
00:01:39with the Franklin what she thinks about all these divas they go Adele she was I love Adele she's
00:01:43amazing what do you think of this person I love her and they go what do you tell Swift she
00:01:46goes
00:01:46beautiful gowns gorgeous gowns hi mom I'm getting ready so I don't have a lot of time to talk your
00:01:55very
00:01:56voice is being recorded this very second do a voice oh I love that you think that sounds different than
00:02:06your normal voice you know I'm doing my special today okay well all right now you blessed don't
00:02:16use a lot of cussing words oh I'm motherfucking cussing that shit is so fucking crazy y'all remember
00:02:22the last time we were down at that motherfucking place don't do that how many costume changes did
00:02:32Aretha Franklin have her funeral enough she had three three costume changes after fantasy I'm gonna
00:02:39do a real fucking cussing I'm gonna get cremated right in the middle of the funeral come back in
00:02:42the last act as ashes all right we're ready let's beat it here we go yet another dig I'm a
00:02:49yet another
00:02:50gig I'm going down my lace front yet another way color to coins getting yet another big paycheck
00:02:56who's next tell me who's on deck you sipping on the head rate yet another swig frying up some
00:03:01thinking bitch yet another pig I'm a redwood and you're yet another twig all stars too was
00:03:07yet another rig yeah another dig yeah another dig at me elegance I'll see you when you trip off me
00:03:13high down big shy run that library shh you're too shallow to dig on me
00:03:18get another dig yeah another shock you're a dick riding hole riding yet another cock see you on twitter bitch
00:03:34yet another block catch me on the runways
00:04:03this is a
00:04:06Oh my god!
00:04:17This is crazy! Honestly, listen.
00:04:20Listen, I have to say, I agree.
00:04:26I'm pretty fucking amazing.
00:04:29I'm gonna look at me soaking in.
00:04:35I know what you're thinking.
00:04:36Bob, you look comfortable. Yes, I'm very...
00:04:41I am extremely comfortable right now.
00:04:45Some of y'all look at me like I think you gained a little weight since Drag Race.
00:04:48And you know what? You're right.
00:04:51Yes, bitch, I have. I have gained just like a little...
00:04:54Folks, I feel like y'all aren't used to how big I am in real life.
00:04:57I am huge. I am not built to size.
00:04:59You see, nowadays, everyone watches TV.
00:05:01You're watching like your cell phone, so I'm like this big.
00:05:06Then in real life, I'm like...
00:05:09And see, after you do your first year of Drag Race, you gave the freshman 15.
00:05:12I gave the freshman 45.
00:05:15I have reached a level called gay fat, which I'm really proud of.
00:05:20To any straight people here, if you don't know what gay fat is,
00:05:23that's kind of like what you would call dad bod, exactly.
00:05:25But honestly, I've been thinking to myself like, maybe I'll lose some weight.
00:05:30I think I might lose some weight.
00:05:31And I'm like, you know what?
00:05:33I'm good.
00:05:38I'm good. I don't give a fuck.
00:05:40Listen, they say nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels.
00:05:44And I'm like, you've never had a thin crust pepperoni pizza with extra sauce at 3 a.m.
00:05:50Because I have, bitch.
00:05:52I don't care. I will eat until it hurts.
00:05:54And I fucking love that shit.
00:05:55Okay, look. I'm like breaching.
00:05:57I'm like getting close to the land of I don't give a fuck.
00:06:00But I do. I'm not quite there yet.
00:06:02Like, if I was truly rich, I really wouldn't give a fuck.
00:06:06I feel like as a man I'm allowed that.
00:06:09I'm allowed to like make a lot of money and not give a fuck about how I look.
00:06:14I think the way it works is this.
00:06:15Like, society has made a standard where if you are a woman and you're poor, you have to be like
00:06:21skinny.
00:06:22And if you're like a woman and you're rich, you have to be skinny but with a fat ass.
00:06:27You know what I mean?
00:06:31But guys can look like damn near anything.
00:06:33Which is why I think that's the reason why Beyonce is essentially the standard of feminine beauty.
00:06:39And DJ Khaled looks like he sweats in the wintertime.
00:06:42That's why.
00:06:49Wait, is DJ Khaled here? I don't wanna...
00:06:53You would hear it.
00:06:54DJ Khaled!
00:07:00No, but I haven't reached full on I don't give a fuck because I'm not rich.
00:07:04I'm like, I'm doing fine.
00:07:06And I care, I care like enough.
00:07:09I care like just enough.
00:07:11I always care so much that I'm gonna always start eating healthy tomorrow.
00:07:15Like, you know that plan?
00:07:16Like, I literally care just enough.
00:07:18And I know some of you are like,
00:07:19Bob, you rich bitch.
00:07:20You got money.
00:07:21Because I won $100,000 on TV four fucking years ago.
00:07:27That was four years ago.
00:07:29Bitch, I live in Manhattan, okay?
00:07:32Yes.
00:07:32If I still lived in Alabama, that'd be amazing.
00:07:35What's that?
00:07:36Like three houses and a trust fund for four generations to come?
00:07:39Yes.
00:07:43But I have moved out of Alabama.
00:07:45I live in Manhattan.
00:07:46That is like three vodka sodas.
00:07:49And like a splurge at the Cheesecake Factory with my friends.
00:07:52You know what I mean?
00:07:54I live in New York City, which means I think I'm better than you.
00:08:02And I'm gay, which means I am better than you.
00:08:06It's true.
00:08:10And it's even worse.
00:08:11I live in Manhattan.
00:08:13I live in Manhattan, which like, Manhattan, these are the worst people.
00:08:16No one's worse than Manhattan people.
00:08:18And I'm admitting, I am a Manhattan person.
00:08:20Actually, the worst.
00:08:21You ever ask somebody from Hell's Kitchen where they live?
00:08:24They're so obnoxious.
00:08:25They give you full-on GPS coordinates.
00:08:28Like, what do you live in like 57s and 6s?
00:08:34Impressed you should be.
00:08:37If you live in Manhattan above 110, you're like, I'm on the island, bitch.
00:08:41Mind me about my business.
00:08:43Don't.
00:08:47Don't get my business, bitch.
00:08:50And there's the rest of New York City, Astoria.
00:08:52Which is like when you don't have money, but you don't want to live near black people.
00:08:57Love the story.
00:08:59A little too close to home for someone from Astoria here.
00:09:04I bet that W train's gonna feel cold going home tonight, bitch.
00:09:14With my neighbors, who are usually like, outside, like, having parties.
00:09:19Are you from New York?
00:09:19Because you're nodding a lot.
00:09:23Because, like, it is a party.
00:09:25Like, there are, like, full chairs.
00:09:27We also got a Washington Heights water park one time.
00:09:30You ever had a Washington Heights water park outside your home?
00:09:32They knocked the fire hydrant open, and it is not shooting out a little bit of water.
00:09:35I mean, thousands of y'all.
00:09:38It's intentional.
00:09:39It's intentional.
00:09:39Oh, yeah.
00:09:39It's intentional.
00:09:40It's, like, one dude with, like, a wrench or whatever, and it's a fucking full-on Washington Heights water park
00:09:47for, like, a day.
00:09:49And the cops come, and they leave, and then they do it again, and then they, like, it's insane.
00:09:55But this, this is the, this is the best city in the world.
00:09:59I honestly feel that New York City is the best fucking city in the world.
00:10:04We say it.
00:10:07We're always assuring everyone that New York is the best city in the world on a postcard.
00:10:12However, on paper, there is no way to fucking, like, I don't understand why we are so obsessed with this
00:10:19city.
00:10:20Living here is, like, some trial by fire shit.
00:10:22You know what I mean?
00:10:22And I have lived here for 11 years.
00:10:2511 years.
00:10:26The New Yorkers, oh, Thea, thank you.
00:10:28Like, no one gets applauded for living in, like, you know, Mississippi for 11 years.
00:10:32Like, you made it?
00:10:36And not only that, but, like, I also feel like whenever people move, like, I'm from the south originally.
00:10:39I'm from Atlanta, Georgia.
00:10:42So you like black dick, work.
00:10:44Um.
00:10:46I know how Atlanta works, honey.
00:10:48I wanna say, if you move from the south, if you're gay, and you move to New York City from
00:10:52the south, you're not trans, you're a fucking refugee.
00:10:54You know what I mean?
00:10:57I feel like Harriet Tubman ushering you over the state line.
00:11:01Freedom is this way.
00:11:04Don't let these straight see you causing lies.
00:11:12I just don't get why New Yorkers love to brag so much about how long they've lived here.
00:11:17And listen, they'll go, I lived here before 9-11.
00:11:20I was here before Rudy Giuliani.
00:11:23I was here before the Revolutionary War.
00:11:25They're originally, like, one-up each other.
00:11:28And I also love the mistakes that, like, brand new New Yorkers make.
00:11:31Ooh, that's...
00:11:34I love when someone first moves to New York City, but you don't quite get...
00:11:37Okay, here's an example.
00:11:39So I was, um, I was riding the train the other day for the purpose of this story.
00:11:44Um.
00:11:48Bitch, I'm into Ubers now.
00:11:49I'm not...
00:11:53Like, my car is here.
00:11:55The best thing about riding your abs is actually not, like, riding one yourself.
00:11:59But, like, you're hooking up with someone.
00:12:00They're, like, laying in your bed afterwards.
00:12:02Keep talking and you just go, I called you a car.
00:12:08Now, I was looking at this guy who had just moved.
00:12:11He had just moved here.
00:12:12And, um, I could tell he was brand new.
00:12:14Because he hadn't learned to walk, like, with his head down yet.
00:12:17That's the thing.
00:12:18People think...
00:12:19You see, you know what I mean.
00:12:20People think New Yorkers are walking with our heads down because we have low self-esteem.
00:12:24No, bitch.
00:12:24We're walking that way because we're afraid to step in dog shit.
00:12:27It's everywhere.
00:12:29And, if you have lived in New York City long enough, you know that's not always dog shit.
00:12:44So it's July.
00:12:46It's July.
00:12:46And he's, like, sitting there.
00:12:47He's, like, you know when you move here and you're first, like, I can't do it.
00:12:50I have to move back home.
00:12:51He had that face on.
00:12:52I was, like, he's not going to make it.
00:12:53He's not going to fucking make it.
00:12:54You know when it's hot.
00:12:56It's fucking sticky.
00:12:57You're downstairs.
00:12:58Like, upstairs, you're, like, it's so hot I can't bear it.
00:13:01And then you go into a fucking pizza oven called the subway system.
00:13:05You get down there and he's, like, I can't do this.
00:13:07You're at Times Square, like, at the edge of the fucking platform.
00:13:10The spokes are behind you pushing you forward and shit.
00:13:13Oh my god.
00:13:13And then the first car pulls up in front of him and it is completely packed.
00:13:17He's, like, fuck.
00:13:18I hate this.
00:13:19The next car pulls up completely packed.
00:13:22He's, like, this is bullshit.
00:13:23And then a car pulls up right in front of him and it is completely empty.
00:13:29See?
00:13:30You know better, bitch.
00:13:32You know better.
00:13:34He was, like, God loves me.
00:13:37This is a sign for me.
00:13:42This is one of those moments in life where you think to yourself, I'm pretty sure I know
00:13:47what piss smells like.
00:13:49And then you move to New York City.
00:13:53Like, I feel like I saw him, like, literally take one step off the platform.
00:13:57The door's closed.
00:13:58He goes.
00:14:03And he was never seen again.
00:14:08And also, New Yorkers love to perpetuate crazy shit.
00:14:11I love the myths.
00:14:13Let me tell you right now.
00:14:13Y'all don't know what the scariest thing is for a New Yorker.
00:14:16You think it's, like, gang violence and guns and no.
00:14:19The scariest thing.
00:14:21New Yorkers are more afraid of bed bugs than anything else.
00:14:24New Yorkers are, like, bitch.
00:14:26There are entire restaurants we don't even go to anymore because we heard a rumor that they had a bed
00:14:30bug there.
00:14:30And New Yorkers believe the craziest thing.
00:14:33We believe anything.
00:14:34Like, some white guy from Ohio who just moved to New York City who lives in Bed-Stuy will walk
00:14:38down the street and see a pack of five 200-pound black men walking at him.
00:14:42He's like, it's my neighborhood, too.
00:14:44Move.
00:14:45Like, he's not scared of that shit.
00:14:46But let him see a mattress wrapped in plastic on the side of the street.
00:14:51Bitch, he will cross the street and leave the neighborhood within the week.
00:14:57He's like, you know, I just don't walk down 53rd Street anymore.
00:15:03And people believe the craziest myths about them.
00:15:06I heard bed bugs can jump 50 feet into the sky.
00:15:10They can live 40 days and 40 nights without water.
00:15:16Bed bugs can disguise themselves as beds.
00:15:19It's not a bed!
00:15:20It's not a bed!
00:15:21It's not a bed!
00:15:21It's a bed bug!
00:15:27This city is fucked up.
00:15:29New York is like the richest city in the world where no one knows a rich person.
00:15:34Like, no one has a rich...
00:15:36Everyone has a friend who has a rich friend.
00:15:39Like, everyone is on the struggle bus in New York City.
00:15:42Let me tell you right now.
00:15:43Folks out here in the world sucking dick because they love it.
00:15:45I'm doing it to have something warm in my belly, okay?
00:15:54I'm like, Grubhub don't always deliver, bitch.
00:16:02I love when folks are always lying about sperm.
00:16:04You know, there's protein in it.
00:16:05I'm like, bitch, you don't need to lie to me.
00:16:09I'm like, I was gonna drink it straight from the tap no matter what, bitch.
00:16:21And don't, please do not get me started on fucking New York City dating standards.
00:16:25The dating standards here are the lowest.
00:16:27They, have you ever fucked a guy more than once just cause he had a washer and dryer?
00:16:32Cause I have.
00:16:33Yes, bitch.
00:16:35I'm like, I'm sucking your dick all the way through the spin cycle, motherfucker.
00:16:39And I'll swallow if you throw in some dryer sheets, bitch.
00:16:43It's cheaper than going to the fucking laundromat.
00:16:46You remember when they did that whole series of documentaries about old white ladies?
00:16:49They did Elaine Stritch, Carol Channing, and Joan Rivers.
00:16:53And I watched all of them.
00:16:54Joan was the best one.
00:16:57I also love Carol Channing because I was just obsessed with Carol Channing.
00:17:01But yeah, that fucking piece of work is what it was called, right?
00:17:06Joan Rivers is a piece of work.
00:17:07I was really intrigued by the fact that she was so open about like being afraid of not having work.
00:17:14She was like, look, I'm not working.
00:17:15This is scary.
00:17:17Look at this.
00:17:18Look at my calendar.
00:17:19That was so crazy.
00:17:21She was like, I'm not working.
00:17:22And to admit that is like big.
00:17:25I don't want to, I'm trying not to tell too many dirty jokes.
00:17:27My mom is going to be watching this.
00:17:30Like my mom literally, she watches literally every single thing I do.
00:17:34I was talking around the way here and she was like, please don't curse.
00:17:37Don't curse too much.
00:17:39I was like, what do you mean?
00:17:40She was like, don't say stuff like, listen, motherfucker, shit.
00:17:42This is some goddamn bullshit, nigga.
00:17:47I was like, what?
00:17:50She watches everything I do.
00:17:52She is literally my number one fan.
00:17:55I know, I know.
00:17:56Actually, true story.
00:17:57My mom's Instagram handle is at Bob the Drag Mom.
00:18:01I'm not making that up.
00:18:06Literally, at Bob the Drag Mom.
00:18:08I'm like, alright.
00:18:11And my mom has the ultimate mom name.
00:18:13Her name is Martha.
00:18:15I feel like when you're Martha, you're born with arthritis and like an amazing recipe for sweet potato pie.
00:18:22I can't imagine a young person named Martha.
00:18:25And also, growing up with my mom was hard for me because my mom was always fucking playing games.
00:18:29My friends are like, Bob, you're so manipulative.
00:18:31I'm like, I had to be on my toes.
00:18:33Shit was rubbing my house growing up.
00:18:35For example, I wore glasses since I was four years old.
00:18:38Since I was four, I have worn glasses.
00:18:40And I'm very forgetful.
00:18:41I always forget stuff.
00:18:42My mom would be like, Christopher, that's my slave name.
00:18:46And I won't.
00:18:47I'm only saying that to make white people uncomfortable.
00:18:50She goes, no other reason.
00:18:54She goes, Christopher, where are your glasses?
00:18:57And I'm like, mm-hmm.
00:18:58You know what you're about to say.
00:18:59You know what you're about to say, mm-hmm.
00:19:01She'd be like, where are your glasses?
00:19:02Oh, they're in my room.
00:19:04Definitely in my room.
00:19:06And when's the last time you wore them?
00:19:07Mm-hmm.
00:19:12Were you trying to make up a lie?
00:19:13What was that?
00:19:15Bitch, when was the last time you wore your glasses, Christopher?
00:19:18I'm like, I was wearing them today at school.
00:19:20And she'd be like, that's funny because I've had them for three days.
00:19:22I'm like, why are we playing games?
00:19:25Why are we playing games?
00:19:28I'm like, be real with me.
00:19:29Be real with me.
00:19:31And shit like that made me nervous.
00:19:33My mom, like, my mom wasn't into, she didn't hit us.
00:19:36My mom was into, like, psychological warfare.
00:19:38You know what I mean?
00:19:39Like, she was finding ways.
00:19:40My mom, she made me nervous about everything.
00:19:42My mom made me nervous to be around white people.
00:19:44I'm not lying.
00:19:45I was, like, nervous when I see white people.
00:19:47I'm like, oh, God.
00:19:50Just sneak up on you.
00:19:53I always felt like I had to be super dignified around white people.
00:19:56Whenever I blew up my boyfriend, I'm like,
00:19:57I'm like, oh, God.
00:20:10When I would, I was at, I did, like, community theater.
00:20:14When I was younger, shout out to all the community theater doers who were out here.
00:20:16Yeah.
00:20:17Also, also known as homosexuals.
00:20:21My mom would, like, drop me off for theater rehearsals, or she called it play practice.
00:20:26And she'd always, like, I'd get out of the car and walk away.
00:20:29And then she'd always say the following thing.
00:20:31She'd go, she'd roll down the window.
00:20:33And she'd be like, Chris, don't embarrass yourself in front of these.
00:20:41Now, I realize that some of you don't know what I just said.
00:20:46Because I'm about to break the code for your ass right now.
00:20:49This is a black secret I shouldn't even be telling you.
00:20:55We actually discussed this at the last meeting.
00:20:58We have one every other, every third Thursday of the month.
00:21:02I could be in trouble for telling you this.
00:21:04Next time you see me, I might not be black.
00:21:05I might be Puerto Rican next time you see me.
00:21:09But you gotta leave.
00:21:14This actually means white people.
00:21:17I know.
00:21:18See, because this side of my hand is black.
00:21:20And this, well, I'm pretty dark.
00:21:21This is like, this is like Obama family.
00:21:27But on light-skinned black folks like this,
00:21:30she is like, you know, proud family black.
00:21:32You know what I mean?
00:21:37I'm like 12 years of slave black.
00:21:42That's a little secret code we always have.
00:21:44Folks be like, how was the party?
00:21:45It was great.
00:21:46But it was a lot of...
00:21:50But we can use the same way first.
00:21:52Grab the party.
00:21:53Oh, the girl, the party is fierce.
00:21:54But be careful because it is...
00:21:59So she would just say that.
00:22:00She would roll down the window like a fucking chauffeur in a movie and be like,
00:22:05Don't embarrass yourself in front of these.
00:22:10And then just drive off.
00:22:11And I'm standing like that.
00:22:12What does that mean?
00:22:14What the fuck does that mean?
00:22:16Don't embarrass myself.
00:22:17And she's like, you'll know when the time is right.
00:22:20And just drives off the door.
00:22:24I'm a little nervous around white folks.
00:22:26There are some people who are like,
00:22:28disastrously white, like...
00:22:30You know what I mean.
00:22:34Like, you're so white, you should apologize to me.
00:22:45And I was not a cute kid.
00:22:47That was rough on me.
00:22:48I was not a cute kid.
00:22:49And I know I wasn't a cute kid.
00:22:51Because my mom kept constantly reminding me how cute of a kid I was.
00:22:55Oh, you're cute.
00:22:56You are so adorable.
00:22:57Let me say something right now.
00:22:58To any young moms out here,
00:22:59if your kid is not that cute,
00:23:01you can say you're a cute kid.
00:23:02But leave out the part like,
00:23:04don't worry what the other kids say.
00:23:05You know what I mean?
00:23:09Like, I look like Samuel L. Jackson as a child.
00:23:12You know what I mean?
00:23:14I was such an ugly kid,
00:23:15even Kevin Spacey wouldn't babysit me, okay?
00:23:22I was ugly.
00:23:23I was such an ugly child,
00:23:25I was in a documentary called
00:23:26Asked to Leave Neverland, okay?
00:23:30Listen.
00:23:32I was such an ugly child
00:23:34that R. Kelly's in a documentary called
00:23:36Surviving Bob the Drackward.
00:23:42We can't all be true.
00:23:46I wasn't cute.
00:23:47I was afraid of everything.
00:23:48I was scared of everything.
00:23:50I was...
00:23:50My mom...
00:23:51Listen.
00:23:52I was afraid of Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:23:55I was...
00:23:56Did you hear what I said?
00:23:57My mom made me afraid of Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:24:01Okay, I want you to picture this, alright?
00:24:03Here it is.
00:24:04Sunday morning,
00:24:05me and my family, we're not at church,
00:24:06we're heathens.
00:24:07Okay?
00:24:08Sunday morning,
00:24:08if I'm seeing you hear a ding dong,
00:24:10you're a ding dong at the door,
00:24:11but you're like, oh my God, what is it?
00:24:12I go to answer.
00:24:13My mom takes a peek.
00:24:14She's like, no one move!
00:24:16I'm like, what is it?
00:24:17Everyone get down!
00:24:18Rob on the ground,
00:24:19like, what the fuck is going on?
00:24:21I go to look.
00:24:22She goes, don't look!
00:24:22Don't look!
00:24:23I was like, what the fuck is out there?
00:24:25She's like, Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:24:29This is Martha Caldwell
00:24:30who's not afraid of anything.
00:24:32My mother will fight a grizzly bear
00:24:34with her bare hands.
00:24:35But if a Jehovah's Witness comes to the door,
00:24:37bitch, no one fucking move.
00:24:38I never...
00:24:40I still don't know what a Jehovah's Witness looks like.
00:24:43Years later, me and my friends are watching Alien
00:24:44as a teenager, and I'm like,
00:24:46is that a Jehovah's Witness?
00:24:48Is that what a Jehovah's Witness is?
00:24:52Growing up, my house felt like Bird Box.
00:24:54Don't look at it!
00:25:00I was also afraid of Chuck E. Cheese.
00:25:03Terrified of Chuck E. Cheese,
00:25:05which my mom always referred to as Chunky Cheese.
00:25:08Shout out to moms mispronouncing everything.
00:25:11Chuck E. Cheese is like a terrifying concept.
00:25:14Like, I don't know who was out there coming up with the ideas of what they think.
00:25:18Let me say, this is how you know they knew that Chuck E. Cheese was terrifying.
00:25:22Because they kept his creepy ass all the way in the fucking back.
00:25:25You remember him?
00:25:25There was that horrifying band.
00:25:27Some Italian dude playing drums.
00:25:31Beats from X-Men on keyboard.
00:25:37And then some big rat with demon eyes on lead vocals.
00:25:41I'm not here for them.
00:25:42Like, who comes up with this shit?
00:25:44Alright, listen.
00:25:45Just to amplify this story, I'm gonna tell you a little anecdote.
00:25:49I do not need judgment.
00:25:50This is a safe space, safe space, safe space.
00:25:52We all have a past.
00:25:54Here we go.
00:25:55When I was young, in college, I used to work for a very famous Christian chicken restaurant.
00:26:01I don't need your judgment.
00:26:09For the purpose of this story, and for legal reasons, we'll just call it Jesus Chicken.
00:26:14Alright?
00:26:17It was a different time.
00:26:18You remember 2004, when you can eat at any restaurant, go to any gym, and laugh at a Louis C
00:26:25.K. joke without feeling like you're in the KKK?
00:26:29No more!
00:26:31So I'm sitting there, and when there's a kid's party, the tallest person has to go in the back and
00:26:37get dressed like a cow.
00:26:38And you come out and you entertain the children.
00:26:41This is some shit adult sought out.
00:26:42No children were consulted on this.
00:26:45Now, I'm on my lunch break, so it's not my turn.
00:26:47I'm like, work.
00:26:48I'm just sitting there, my gay ass sitting there.
00:26:49I had long dreadlocks at the time.
00:26:51Imagine it.
00:26:52Picture it.
00:26:53Columbus, Georgia.
00:26:542004.
00:26:56So I'm sitting there, like, you know, eating my little chicken sandwich.
00:26:59And then, so Trip, there's a high school kid named Trip, who now has to be the cow.
00:27:05So he goes in the back.
00:27:07Now I need you to really visualize this, alright?
00:27:09So you come out of the back, there's double doors, and he's huge.
00:27:12He's like six foot four.
00:27:13So he comes out and he does like this.
00:27:15Right above his head, right here is the menu.
00:27:18The menu that goes above everyone's head is huge, like this big.
00:27:21Trip comes out, he hits the menu.
00:27:23The menu falls down, and the kid's like, ah!
00:27:28And that was like a mad cow.
00:27:30He's destroying Chick-fil-A.
00:27:32He's this side of the cows, too.
00:27:34He's like moving like this.
00:27:35He's knocked over the lemonade, knocked over the sweet tea.
00:27:38And because he's wearing the helmet, his voice is mobile.
00:27:42So it sounds like,
00:27:47Everyone's like, Trip! Trip!
00:27:49And the black kid's like, this motherfucker is tripping!
00:27:53Run!
00:27:57I'm just sitting there eating my chicken sandwich.
00:27:58Everyone's like, in 15 years, I'm sure this will be hilarious to me.
00:28:08I mentioned I'm not rich.
00:28:10I do have enough money now to get things for my family.
00:28:13That's honestly the biggest blessing from being under Paul's Drag Race.
00:28:16Being able to like, provide for my family.
00:28:18I'll never forget this.
00:28:19Years ago, years ago, I was walking down the street.
00:28:21In like, full drag.
00:28:23Coming home from a gig.
00:28:25Um, and then this like, kid walked by me on the street.
00:28:28I don't know how old he was.
00:28:29He was like, he looked really young.
00:28:31Noah Fitzgerald really, really young.
00:28:32Could have just been some punk ass twink.
00:28:34I don't know.
00:28:36And he was like, oh my god, be a man.
00:28:38And I looked back and I was like, you live at home with your mom.
00:28:41Fuck you.
00:28:45Like, I'll have, you know I'm walking directly to my fifth floor, walk up, one bedroom, technically two bedroom apartment.
00:28:54I was able to get my mom a car, which was amazing.
00:28:58Can you believe that?
00:29:02I bought my mom an iPad.
00:29:04Which, because technology's hard for old people, she immediately gave it away to my, uh, cousin.
00:29:10But here's the kicker.
00:29:11So she gave it to my cousin.
00:29:13And then like, my cousin's mom calls me like, freaking out.
00:29:16She's like, freaking like, oh my god, oh my god, I don't know what to do.
00:29:19I was like, what, what, what?
00:29:20She was like, he's looking at porn on the iPad.
00:29:22What do I do?
00:29:23And I was like, leave him the fuck alone.
00:29:27Leave him alone.
00:29:28Let him watch his porn.
00:29:30Do not give him a complex about his childhood.
00:29:32Please let this young man, if you find out your kid is masturbating on watching porn, leave them the fuck
00:29:38alone.
00:29:39If anything, I was fucking, and thank you.
00:29:43If anything, I was jealous.
00:29:45I was really envious.
00:29:46Cause let, you know how easy it is to watch porn in 2019?
00:29:51He will never know the rush of watching porn on the family computer in the living room.
00:30:01Bitch, it is 2 a.m.
00:30:06You're in the living room.
00:30:10Trying to watch porn on the family computer on dial-up.
00:30:13Dial-up?
00:30:17The image is loading like this.
00:30:21Which is great if you're looking for tits, but if you're waiting for dick, this is a fucking Fortnite bitch.
00:30:33Like, I just remember, like, masturbating was a fucking fiasco as a kid.
00:30:38You turn into a full-on Mission Impossible secret agent.
00:30:50I was a fucking computer hacker.
00:30:52Like, I knew how to wipe a computer clean, bank-to-bank presenting.
00:30:56Deleting cookies.
00:31:02Like, my young cousin will never know the pain of having to, like, sneak your uncle's gay porn VHSs.
00:31:10Like, take a photographic memory of where it is in the closet.
00:31:13Cause you don't have a cell phone to take a picture of it.
00:31:16You put it in, take notice of the timestamp, watch it with heightened senses.
00:31:23When you're watching porn, you essentially have spidey senses.
00:31:25This is ridiculous.
00:31:27You're watching the porn, like, oh my god, don't get caught.
00:31:29Rewind it back to the exact same spot, put it back in the same-
00:31:32It was always a full-on fiasco.
00:31:34Like, that's why I feel like, when you have, like, your spidey senses lifted,
00:31:38and you're like, you can hear better.
00:31:39You can smell from a block away.
00:31:42You're like, oh my god, the mailman is three houses away.
00:31:44You're like, how do you know?
00:31:45Don't worry about it.
00:31:48Every time you masturbate, it's like Avengers Endgame.
00:31:53And you have to masturbate with whatever you can get your hands on.
00:31:56You guys didn't realize, I had to masturbate to the movie The Wood, starring Taye Diggs.
00:32:02Oh, you don't know.
00:32:03You don't know.
00:32:04I'm about to enlighten you, because this is your motherfucking lucky day, bitch.
00:32:08Listen, if you are watching The Wood, and you pause it at exactly 58 minutes and 37 seconds,
00:32:14you will see a glimmer of a dick.
00:32:21I have rewired the movie so many times.
00:32:24It just wore out of them one spot.
00:32:26I was like, Lord, these kids don't know the struggles.
00:32:31Then I remember seeing Wanda Sykes at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
00:32:36And she said, I still remember what she said.
00:32:38She goes, Rush Limbaugh talking about, I hope this administration fails.
00:32:42I hope his kidneys fail.
00:32:44I just remember her saying that and getting a big tickle out of that.
00:32:48She's doing politics and making it really funny.
00:32:51I mean, at the time, right before that, everyone had George Bush jokes.
00:32:56But they were really more so commenting on the fact that George Bush was inarticulate and a bit of a
00:33:04doofus.
00:33:06Whereas, I felt like Wanda Sykes was talking about policies and transgressions.
00:33:13You have transgressed the black community and I'm going to make comedy about it.
00:33:17At the White House Correspondents' Dinner, you know, I would just never forget that day.
00:33:28For the most part, I am now completely comfortable with, you know, my life and white people.
00:33:36I'm like 98% comfortable with white people.
00:33:39You're like, what do you mean?
00:33:40What do you mean?
00:33:40Okay, I was getting on the elevator the other day.
00:33:42And the doors opened and there was, like, I'm just standing downstairs, floor one, elevator doors open.
00:33:48And there was a single, like, six-year-old white girl by herself on the elevator.
00:33:53I'm like...
00:33:59I'm like, what in the John Quinonez is going on here?
00:34:03No, no, honey.
00:34:07I just shut it back in.
00:34:10I'm taking the stairs today, bitch.
00:34:12I skim leg day today anyway, bitch.
00:34:16I'm like, you not about to make a harambe out of me, honey.
00:34:23Still trying to understand white people.
00:34:26Like, white people, why do you guys love 23andMe so much?
00:34:29You guys are obsessed with...
00:34:31I took a 23andMe.
00:34:32Like, you guys are so obsessed with, like, sharing your specific white cocktail that makes you up.
00:34:37I am 12% Irish, 3% British, and a 4% Italian.
00:34:41Like, okay, you're walking skin cancer.
00:34:42Congratulations with you.
00:34:46Good for you.
00:34:48And then when they get, like, I am sweating right now.
00:34:54Take a break from sweating like a hooker at church or, like...
00:35:03And white folks will hold on to any shred of, like, anything multicultural.
00:35:09I'm actually 1.5% Sub-Saharan African.
00:35:12I'm like, calm down.
00:35:14You just told me your great, great, great, great, great grandfather was a rapist.
00:35:18Don't brag about it, bro.
00:35:20I was like, did it too soon?
00:35:21I said great, great, great.
00:35:23It was like 150 years ago.
00:35:24Calm down.
00:35:26I actually took 23andMe.
00:35:28I did.
00:35:29My results just said straight up nigga.
00:35:32I was like, alright.
00:35:33Seems pointed.
00:35:34Seems pointed.
00:35:38My results were written on blunt paper.
00:35:40I was like, who does this shit?
00:35:43The fuck?
00:35:48I feel like we're going through puberty as a nation.
00:35:50Like, the whole nation is, like, going through puberty right now and the power dynamic is shifting.
00:35:55And I feel like that power shift actually makes the people in power feel a little bit inferior.
00:36:00They get scared.
00:36:00You know what I mean?
00:36:01I think, like, seeing women in power really scares men.
00:36:04It just terrifies them.
00:36:05They don't know how to deal with it.
00:36:06They're not used to it.
00:36:07I mean, think back to, like, the way that they've always treated women in power throughout all of history, even
00:36:12little shit.
00:36:13Like, think about, like, when they thought they were powerful witches in Salem.
00:36:16Like, I was like, are you guys even thinking this through?
00:36:18Did you ever read about the Salem witch trials?
00:36:19The ridiculous shit they would do?
00:36:21They were like, I have an idea.
00:36:23Well, tie her up in rope and push her off a bridge.
00:36:26If she flies, she's a witch!
00:36:28She's a witch!
00:36:30I'm like, did you all think this through at all?
00:36:33Honestly.
00:36:33Like, how did this work out for you?
00:36:36Best case scenario for you, you killed an innocent woman.
00:36:40Worst case scenario, you have pissed off a powerful witch.
00:36:46If she flies, what the fuck are you gonna do?
00:36:52It's like, no one's flown yet. We haven't thought this through.
00:36:56And the power dynamic is shifting.
00:36:58I love, love being queer.
00:37:01I'm not lying to you.
00:37:03I fucking love it. I love it.
00:37:05It took me, honestly, it took me a very long time to see this,
00:37:09but being queer is the best thing that ever fucking happened to me.
00:37:12It really is.
00:37:13Nothing better has ever happened to me than being queer.
00:37:15And, like, straight people are, like, afraid of us.
00:37:18For, like, the first time ever.
00:37:21They're, like, walking around scared as shit.
00:37:23And we're just, like, soaking up the power.
00:37:24Like, mmmm.
00:37:32I guess the upside down, I'm more, like, looking for a little, like, yeah, motherfucker.
00:37:37I love this shit.
00:37:38In fact, like, honestly, if I wasn't gay, I probably wouldn't be a drag queen.
00:37:41So, like, where would I even be?
00:37:42And not only that, but being a drag queen, like, to be a drag queen, you have to be delusional.
00:37:47Like, I see, when I see Lupita Nyong'o, I'm like, I mean, you alright, but you ain't me, honey.
00:37:59By the way, that is not close to being true.
00:38:02But you have, like, for me, honestly, I feel like drag is, like, the great equalizer.
00:38:06Drag queen, drag can allow, like, a brilliant queer man to walk around with the confidence of a completely mediocre
00:38:12straight white man, okay?
00:38:15Being white is a fucking superpower, okay?
00:38:17But that's why I feel like it's one supreme balls, the next one rises, we're getting more popular.
00:38:22And people know, do not even look sideways at a queer.
00:38:25Bitch, if you even say something that is mildly inconvenienced to gay people,
00:38:30100 male ballet dancers will show up at your fucking job and pas de bruit until you come outside and
00:38:36apologize.
00:38:38It's true.
00:38:40But, like, don't offend me.
00:38:42Do not offend me.
00:38:43Oh, you made fun of my dog's wedding?
00:38:45Pas de bruit, pas de bruit.
00:38:49You're wearing white after Labor Day?
00:38:51Pas de bruit, pas de bruit.
00:38:55I douche, and you canceled?
00:38:56Lara Spencer, Lara Spencer, man.
00:39:00You're devastated.
00:39:04Hey, bitch, we are out here looking for gay reparations, bitch.
00:39:07I'm like, I want 40 old curls and a slingback mule, okay, bitch?
00:39:21If there's a controversy with a comedian, I probably am aware of it.
00:39:25Everyone from Aziz Ansari to Louis C.K., you know?
00:39:31I think that the comedy world is a microcosm of what's going on in the real world.
00:39:40I mean, I also feel like we do live in a culture nowadays where there is nothing you can do
00:39:47to atone for your behavior that will satisfy the general public.
00:39:53You know what I mean?
00:39:55You really, I think more so, you have to atone with yourself.
00:39:59Really weird, like, back in the day, Oprah would have, like, KKK members on her show.
00:40:04And then, like, 10 years later, she'd bring them back, and they'd be like, I'm reformed.
00:40:08And everyone would be like, congratulations.
00:40:11But nowadays, there is no, I'm reformed.
00:40:18And nowadays, it's more like, you're dead forever.
00:40:22Which I don't know that I necessarily agree with, because I know that I've had my opinion changed on a
00:40:27lot of stuff.
00:40:27You know, when I moved to New York City, I had no concept about gender outside of what I was
00:40:32taught growing up.
00:40:34I got to meet some really amazing people who taught me a lot of stuff about myself, about my community,
00:40:41about my neighbors, about my coworkers.
00:40:45And in listening to them and learning about that stuff, my mind has literally changed.
00:40:50Like, I don't think the same way I thought before.
00:40:54So, I know for a fact, on a personal level, that I can change.
00:41:01So, I do think people can change.
00:41:04I fucking love Gay Pride Month.
00:41:07I still love it.
00:41:08I'm not one of those who's like, it's too commercial.
00:41:09Fuck you. I love this shit.
00:41:10I fucking love Gay Pride Month.
00:41:12I've done, and listen, I've done every Gay Pride from Salem, Alabama, to Anchorage, Alaska, okay?
00:41:18Truly, that is a fact. I've done them all.
00:41:19And whenever on stage, like, dancing outdoors, in day drag, in the sun, I'm always like, couldn't the cops have
00:41:28raided a gay bar on a cool autumn day?
00:41:35Shit is ridiculous.
00:41:43This year, we are commemorating the 50th anniversary since the Stonewall.
00:41:5050. 50 years.
00:41:53Have you thought about that?
00:41:56Have you thought about that?
00:41:57When I say thought about that, I mean, have you thought about how lucky we are that it was the
00:42:01Stonewall riots?
00:42:03Stonewall, it could have been any of the gay bars.
00:42:05Do you know the names of gay bars?
00:42:07You know how embarrassing it would have been to be the 50th anniversary since the manhole reckoning?
00:42:15If it was three blocks away, that's what would have happened.
00:42:1950 years since the lipstick lounge massacre.
00:42:2550 years since the back door blowout.
00:42:27Oh, listen, these are the actual names of gay bars.
00:42:31I did not make any of them up.
00:42:34I'm like, we got fucking lucky, girl.
00:42:38Gay couples are getting married and having kids.
00:42:42I don't know.
00:42:46Woo yourself, bitch.
00:42:49First of all, gays are selfish.
00:42:51Anyone who has a destination wedding, you are selfish.
00:42:54And I tell my friends, bitch, if you're not getting married off of one train, I'm not coming, okay?
00:43:00I'm not transferring to see you switch vows, bitch.
00:43:08I do kind of want to have, like, a really elaborate wedding, just so I can walk past a straight
00:43:11couple and be like,
00:43:12that's how you do it, bitch.
00:43:16What's that, honey?
00:43:23I do feel like, like, as the queer community, we all have to, like, we don't get to cross the
00:43:27finish line until everyone in the queer community crosses at the exact same time.
00:43:31Honestly, that's why I say, like, we all have some privilege.
00:43:34Use your privilege to help people who are less privileged than you, you know what I mean?
00:43:37I'm serious.
00:43:39So, like, listen.
00:43:41White gay men.
00:43:44If your friends of color tell you shit is weird, believe them and help them, all right?
00:43:49Men, if women tell you shit is weird, believe them and help them.
00:43:52Sins people.
00:43:53If trans people tell you shit is weird, believe them and fucking help them, you know what I mean?
00:44:03But we are a long way from that because nothing is more important to gay men than getting dick you
00:44:11don't understand.
00:44:13You don't understand.
00:44:16Like, listen, we fucking love it.
00:44:19We love hookup apps.
00:44:20And we will turn anything into a hookup app.
00:44:23You don't get this, bitch.
00:44:23Instagram is the hookup app now, okay?
00:44:26You didn't know this, bitch.
00:44:27We have truly turned Instagram into a hookup app.
00:44:29In fact, my favorite thing now, my new favorite thing, is, like, fucking in hotel rooms.
00:44:35I'm obsessed with it.
00:44:36I love it.
00:44:38Bitch, you can do shit in a hotel room you would never do at home.
00:44:41Bitch, I fucking hotel rooms, like, I am never coming back to this state ever again.
00:44:47I will ride a hotel room like it's, like, a fucking rental car.
00:44:50No respect.
00:44:53I'm like, I feel bad.
00:44:54Everybody has to stay here after I fucking leave, girl.
00:44:57And we want that for each other.
00:44:58Gay guys want that for each other.
00:45:00We want you to get as much dick as you can.
00:45:01That's a victory for us.
00:45:02Like, yes, girl, work.
00:45:03Yes, yes.
00:45:04In fact, like, guys are constantly rooting for each other to get dick too.
00:45:07Like, gay guys, let them turn around.
00:45:09If you're out with your girlfriends, if you cannot leave without saying goodbye five times,
00:45:14texting, text when you get home.
00:45:16Text when you get home.
00:45:18Bitch, gay guys don't give up.
00:45:19If it's for dick, you can leave in the middle of a fucking sentence.
00:45:23Gay guys don't give a fuck.
00:45:25Like, yeah, girl, this stuff is great.
00:45:26And it has the...
00:45:42And we're all back like...
00:45:46Nothing is more important to gay men than getting dick.
00:45:48Every, every vacation is planned around dick.
00:45:51Every single vacation gay guys do is centered around dick.
00:45:56Lesbians don't vacation like that.
00:45:58You ever go on vacation with a lesbian?
00:45:59Like, alright, 7 o'clock.
00:46:01In the lobby.
00:46:017.15.
00:46:02Get in the car.
00:46:037.35.
00:46:04Light banter in the car.
00:46:068 o'clock.
00:46:07We are...
00:46:07I'm like, this is ridiculous.
00:46:11Gay guys like, wake up at 3.
00:46:13Go to tea dance.
00:46:14Papa Molly.
00:46:15I don't fucking know this.
00:46:19And have you ever been on a gay cruise ever?
00:46:22In your life?
00:46:23Or as I call it, fuckfest at sea, okay?
00:46:26Or if it's talking from New York City, hep C at sea.
00:46:33Like, okay.
00:46:34Like, what is on the menu?
00:46:36Or what's on the buffet on a straight cruise?
00:46:39I've never been on one.
00:46:39Pizza.
00:46:40Burgers.
00:46:40Pasta.
00:46:41Ice cream.
00:46:42Ice cream?
00:46:43Let me do it right now.
00:46:44When you're on a gay cruise, there's nothing on the fucking buffet but muscle milk and Molly.
00:46:48That's the only two things I can fucking...
00:46:51Nothing else is there.
00:46:52Bottoms do not eat before having sex at all.
00:46:56We starve ourselves, bitch.
00:46:58If I'm about to bottom, I'm fasting like it's Ramadan up in this bitch, okay?
00:47:04Everyone knows this is a rule.
00:47:06You do not eat when you're gonna bottom.
00:47:10Until after you're 30.
00:47:11Let me tell you right now.
00:47:13After 30, you're like, that was cute when I was young.
00:47:16But bitch, if you're digging around back there, you got checkers to light and you know what I'm showing you.
00:47:27And you're 20, you're like, oh no, I'm panicking!
00:47:29And you're 30, you're like, man, it's Tuesday, so...
00:47:33Are we gonna finish Game of Thrones or not?
00:47:35Cause I got shit to do.
00:47:43I didn't even take a moment to ask, sorry.
00:47:46Does anyone here identify as a straight male?
00:47:49Anyone here identify as a straight male?
00:47:51There's no pressure.
00:47:51I'm sorry.
00:47:58I love that.
00:47:59I love how sheepers and doofy straight guys look.
00:48:05I firmly believe in my mind of minds that gay people are smarter than straight people.
00:48:11Don't at me.
00:48:13It's my opinion!
00:48:16I also feel like women are smarter than men and this essentially makes lesbians the smartest people on the planet.
00:48:29There's like a real bond between like straight girls and gay guys.
00:48:33I don't know what...
00:48:33It's a combination of like love, protection, resentment, you know what I mean?
00:48:42It's true, like we've always been there for each other.
00:48:44You took me to prom, thanks.
00:48:47I told you bangs aren't for everyone.
00:48:52I see some of you here need to hear that message again.
00:48:56No one specific.
00:49:01But we have like a really great deal worked out with us.
00:49:04For example, what's your name?
00:49:05Straighty.
00:49:06I'm just kidding.
00:49:09I don't know why I said that.
00:49:12What's your name?
00:49:13Mike.
00:49:13Mike.
00:49:15Mike.
00:49:16Mike, where you from?
00:49:17Brooklyn.
00:49:18Brooklyn. Nice.
00:49:19Like, pretty nice.
00:49:24I'm gonna tell you a secret, Mike.
00:49:25This is something I probably shouldn't tell you.
00:49:27This is breaking the gay code, but it's true and I don't mind if you know this, okay?
00:49:31We have a special bond between gay guys and straight women.
00:49:35If you have a girlfriend or a wife who loves gay guys, has a lot of gay friends, I promise
00:49:42you, Mike, I promise you, I have seen a picture of your dick.
00:49:48I promise you.
00:49:49Oh, this, Mike, I can describe your dick in great detail.
00:49:56Oh, I know it.
00:49:58I am divinely intimate with your nether regions, Mike.
00:50:02Because gay men, we are pigs.
00:50:04We are disgusting.
00:50:06It does not change just because we're gay.
00:50:09Men are disgusting.
00:50:11Gay men trade dick pics like Pokemon cards.
00:50:19Like, you send Mike, I'll send you Craig.
00:50:22Gotta fuck them all!
00:50:31Like, we are...
00:50:33We're insane.
00:50:34It is...
00:50:35Gay men are ridiculous.
00:50:36Like, you ever have looked at a picture on a gay guy's phone?
00:50:38If, like, if anyone else handed you their phone, like, here's my phone.
00:50:42Look at it.
00:50:42Go through it.
00:50:45Not good, guys.
00:50:46We're like, this is the picture on the phone.
00:50:48I'll hold it.
00:50:56Don't swipe left.
00:50:58Don't swipe right.
00:51:01Look at the picture on the motherfucking phone.
00:51:06So...
00:51:08I don't give a fuck.
00:51:09I don't have no shame.
00:51:11In fact, I will tell you of a time in my life when I completely lost my entire sense of
00:51:18shame.
00:51:18And this is a true story, and it was recent.
00:51:22This is so...
00:51:22This is honestly embarrassing.
00:51:24Alright, I was in my hometown.
00:51:26I was in Atlanta, Georgia, doing one of these.
00:51:28Like, you know they have these big drag queen tours, Work the World, all these shows,
00:51:31like these big mega tours, full of drag queens.
00:51:33I was on one.
00:51:34It was a roast.
00:51:35We were all roasting each other.
00:51:36So, you know, if you don't know much about a roast, the way a roast works is,
00:51:39everyone sits on stage the entire time.
00:51:42We're all sitting on stage.
00:51:43You don't leave the stage.
00:51:44Excuse me.
00:51:46I had a date earlier trying to come back up.
00:51:48Sorry.
00:51:52I'm in birthing babies, too.
00:51:59The way it works, everyone up there, you're getting a roast.
00:52:01It's actually really fun.
00:52:02It's a really fun time, but you're on stage for like an hour and a half.
00:52:04Anyone who knows me knows that I notoriously have a very small bladder.
00:52:09You know where the story's going.
00:52:10Don't get ahead of me.
00:52:10Alright?
00:52:11So they announced the show at the top.
00:52:13I'm like, fuck.
00:52:13I have to pee.
00:52:14I have to pee.
00:52:15This is bullshit at the top of the show.
00:52:17Now, listen.
00:52:18I am hilarious.
00:52:19I don't mind saying that.
00:52:20So, of course, I am closing the show.
00:52:22I have been sitting on stage for two hours desperately needing to pee.
00:52:26Alright?
00:52:27And then, it was time for the closing.
00:52:29The host, Ginger fucking Minj.
00:52:32And I'll tell you why I call her Ginger fucking Minj in a second.
00:52:35She's like, alright, give it up for Bob the Drag Queen.
00:52:37You know when you're sitting down and you need to pee?
00:52:40Like sitting down for some reason slightly relieves it.
00:52:42And you stand up and be like, oh shit.
00:52:43Oh shit.
00:52:45I was like, I got this.
00:52:46I'm a professional.
00:52:47I have been doing theater and stand-up for a combined over 20 years.
00:52:51I got this shit.
00:52:52I was like, hey everybody.
00:52:53How you all?
00:52:53Ooh.
00:52:55And I was like, you know what?
00:52:56So, I tried to do like a little bit of the set sitting down.
00:52:58You don't want to do stand-up sitting down.
00:53:00I'm like, this is ridiculous.
00:53:01Alright.
00:53:01Okay.
00:53:02It's not going to work.
00:53:02Alright.
00:53:02So, I get back up.
00:53:03And then I have this brilliant idea to let out just a little.
00:53:07Hey!
00:53:08Well, where were you when I needed you?
00:53:14Now you tell me.
00:53:19I'm like, I'm going to let out just a little, like the smallest amount.
00:53:24Then I get trapped in my tights, in my pads.
00:53:27I'll go to my hotel room.
00:53:28I'll wash it out and no one will know.
00:53:31I'll be the hero of my own story.
00:53:37So, I do it.
00:53:38I let out just a boop.
00:53:41And then bitch, a river runs through.
00:53:43Okay.
00:53:44I'm like.
00:53:44But here's the thing.
00:53:46I am wearing a gown.
00:53:47My gown goes all the way to the floor.
00:53:48It touches the floor like it's supposed to.
00:53:50My gown hits the floor and I'm standing there.
00:53:53As I'm like peeing myself.
00:53:54And all of a sudden, my set is brilliant.
00:53:56I feel the weight of the world lifted off my bladder.
00:54:00I'm hilarious.
00:54:01I am nailing it.
00:54:02And good night.
00:54:04I say good night.
00:54:05I look down.
00:54:05You can't see anything.
00:54:06Because my dress.
00:54:07I didn't tell you this.
00:54:08The most expensive dress I owned at the time.
00:54:12Literally.
00:54:13The most expensive dress I owned at the time.
00:54:16I'm like.
00:54:16Fuck my life.
00:54:17Alright.
00:54:18Standing there.
00:54:19It has encapsulated.
00:54:20I made a little reservoir.
00:54:22Right in my head.
00:54:25And Ginger Minish goes.
00:54:26Give it up for Bob the drag queen.
00:54:28And I was like.
00:54:28Work.
00:54:29I can't move.
00:54:29I cannot leave.
00:54:30Because I'll be exposed.
00:54:32I'll be exposed.
00:54:32Oh no.
00:54:33And I used to went to bed as a kid.
00:54:35So this is very traumatic for me.
00:54:38Yeah.
00:54:3823 was really rough year.
00:54:40Um.
00:54:41So I'm standing in my little reservoir.
00:54:44And I turn around.
00:54:45And I look at.
00:54:46Um.
00:54:47Alaska Thunderfuck.
00:54:48Legendary drag race queen.
00:54:49And I'm like.
00:54:49Girl.
00:54:50I peed.
00:54:51And she's like.
00:54:52Yeah girl.
00:54:52You peed honey.
00:54:54I was like.
00:54:54No.
00:54:55I'm saying.
00:54:56Alaska.
00:54:59I peed.
00:55:00I peed.
00:55:01Because the stage was raked.
00:55:02Meaning it went up.
00:55:03So it's trickling down.
00:55:04Like I peed.
00:55:05And she was like.
00:55:06Oh.
00:55:06My.
00:55:07God.
00:55:10And I look at Latrice.
00:55:11I go.
00:55:11Latrice goes.
00:55:12Bitch.
00:55:12And we're all saying goodbye to Chris.
00:55:13I see it.
00:55:14I am gagging.
00:55:15I am gagging.
00:55:19Bitch.
00:55:19I'm shook.
00:55:20Oh.
00:55:20My.
00:55:21God.
00:55:22And Ginger's like.
00:55:23Bob.
00:55:23Have a seat.
00:55:24Why don't you sit down?
00:55:24I'm like.
00:55:25Shut the fuck up.
00:55:26You fat bitch.
00:55:30I understand that.
00:55:31I don't know if you have ever pissed yourself.
00:55:33Um.
00:55:34Wearing a $5,000 gown.
00:55:37In front of your colleagues.
00:55:39College friends.
00:55:40And your fucking peers.
00:55:41But let me tell you.
00:55:41I have.
00:55:42And it's fucking horrifying.
00:55:44I'm standing up and sitting like.
00:55:45This is horrible.
00:55:45This is horrible.
00:55:46I'm in Atlanta.
00:55:47I'm in my hometown.
00:55:48Everyone's clapping in front of me.
00:55:49They don't know.
00:55:50Everyone behind me is gagging.
00:55:51They're like.
00:55:51What the fuck's going on?
00:55:52And I look out.
00:55:53And I see my mom in the audience.
00:55:55And she looks at me.
00:55:56And she goes.
00:55:56Do not embarrass yourself.
00:56:07I was like.
00:56:08It makes sense now.
00:56:10It makes sense.
00:56:11Fuck.
00:56:15Alright.
00:56:15Thank you all so much for coming out.
00:56:16You've been a truly amazing audience.
00:56:19Aww.
00:56:20This is my fucking free account.
00:56:29Woo!
00:56:31Woo!
00:56:32Woo!
00:56:32Woo!
00:56:33Woo!
00:56:37Woo!
00:56:43Woo!
00:56:44We're out.
00:56:46We're out.
00:56:47Oh.
00:56:47Woo!
00:56:47Come on!
00:56:47I can't get out.
00:56:50This one?
00:56:51Do you want more?
00:56:51I'm doing Invisalign.
00:56:53Invisalign first.
00:56:54Anyone want some?
00:56:54Yeah.
00:56:55All you're doing is sh...
00:56:56Have the rest.
00:56:56Have the rest.
00:56:57What do you wanna do?
00:56:57I'm kinda out of power.
00:56:58What do you wanna do?
00:57:14I love you.
00:57:15I love you so much.
00:57:17Laugh like a black bitch.
00:57:18Girl, I will be obnoxious.
00:57:20Like an ignorant black bitch.
00:57:21Can we talk about you taking over the world?
00:57:24I mean, I'm glad you got your muscle.
00:57:25Muscle milk.
00:57:28At least you're athletic.
00:57:30What about you drink?
00:57:31A little CrossFit from a show.
00:57:33Are you?
00:57:34You gonna do some burpees?
00:57:35I did.
00:57:36Then I got on the show and I started caring about my body and anything I put into it.
00:57:40I love that the show is the great equalizer.
00:57:42Me and Cameron are getting closer to the same body.
00:57:45Because we're gonna meet in the middle.
00:57:48I don't know who that's back to you, Cameron.
00:57:49I love that idea of me and Cameron just meeting in the middle and being like,
00:57:52I don't know where we are all these days.
00:57:54Thank you so much for coming.
00:57:55Thanks for having me.
00:57:56Of course.
00:57:58Laugh louder than you think it's just.
00:58:01I'm back to Sam.
00:58:03Just in case it isn't funny.
00:58:05That's it.
00:58:07I love you.
00:58:08I love you.
00:58:09I love you.
00:58:09I love you.
00:58:21I love you.
01:02:03I'm trying to turn it out.
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