- 5 hours ago
The Trades (2024) Season 3 Episode 4
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TVTranscript
00:13Have you seen Chelsea?
00:15Nakamura?
00:16Chelsea!
00:18Chelsea!
00:20Chelsea!
00:22Hey!
00:24So, I think that we should try something new for the Save the Whale State.
00:28Okay, we usually do the charity golf tournament and no one complains.
00:31I know. That's because everyone finds it too boring for words.
00:34You mean you're too bored?
00:35That's correct. I find it boring. I don't mind being the whistleblower here.
00:39What's your idea?
00:41Okay. Photo calendar. Our employees, but in very flattering lighting, obviously.
00:48We sell it. Boom! Money for whales.
00:51Like a firefighter calendar?
00:53Yeah. Tasteful, classy.
00:55You haven't organized anything since your dog's quinceanera.
00:58No, but I learned a lot from that.
01:00Fine. If it keeps you out of my office, off email, and away from anything that'll concuss you, I call
01:05that a win. For me.
01:07Yes. You won't regret it, Chelsea. Promise.
01:09Oh, bar is so low, Jen.
01:12I know. I know. Solo.
01:14It's basically in the Earth's core, Jen.
01:16Yeah, but that's where the diamonds are made, baby!
01:23So, for our annual Save the Whales fundraiser this year, we're doing something a little outside the box.
01:29We are going to make a photo calendar that is going to showcase 12 of our employees.
01:36I'm calling it Hard Hat Hotties.
01:41This is what I came back for, okay?
01:43I like the alliteration.
01:44Why only 12 employees?
01:46Because there's 12 months in a calendar year, genius.
01:49Oh.
01:49How is this fundraising?
01:51Whales don't care how we raise funds, Janet. They just want to swim. That's what fish do.
01:56What happened to the golf tournament? I bought a new glove and a pair of spikes.
01:59We're switching things up this year, Todd.
02:01But the golf tournament is the only day of the year we can be day drunk and get paid for
02:06it.
02:07So, we're going to unveil the cover this weekend at that janky gross bar you people love so much.
02:14Chelsea, can we get that inflatable orca set up right out front the venue?
02:18It's an inflatable whale shark, but who cares about accuracy, right?
02:22Nerd.
02:22I've done a bit of catalog work before. What kind of looksie going for?
02:26Yeah, right.
02:27Problem.
02:28Editorial, mostly.
02:29Um, treats people just doing their job, you know, but spicy.
02:34Yeah, because nothing sells calendars like Roach's sweaty ass crack, right, Jenny?
02:38Good to have you back, Homer.
02:39Are our clothes, like, on or off?
02:41On!
02:42This is a work event. You must wear proper safety gear.
02:46I mean, whales don't wear clothes, so I'm thinking, like, clothing optional?
02:50What kind of a backdoor argument is that?
02:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:54What are you doing?
02:54I can see what I'm talking about.
02:55Yeah?
02:57Everyone's clothes staying on!
02:59Let's just say that I agree to model for this.
03:03What's to stop someone from using my picture to do nasty stuff?
03:08No one is jerking off to you, Janet.
03:10Let's make that very clear right here, right now.
03:12This is about something bigger than ourselves, right?
03:16Orcas.
03:17Whale sharks.
03:18I don't care.
03:19Okay, if anyone actually wants to participate, sign the sheet.
03:22If not, no biggie.
03:23Now back to work.
03:24And remember, this is voluntary.
03:26Strongly encouraged.
03:28Voluntary.
03:29See you there.
03:30Free will.
03:31Free your willy.
03:32No means no.
03:33Not really.
03:34You're my employee.
03:35I'm ready.
03:38Well, people are constantly staring at my fart blaster all day anyways.
03:41Someone ought to make some money out of it.
03:44Yeah.
03:46Or the whales!
03:49What do you think, Audrey?
03:51You're going to sign up?
03:52You have such an interesting look.
03:54Like a gal who cleans her own wounds with vodka.
03:59Well, I think I'm here to be a carpenter, not a calendar model.
04:03Well, it's for charity.
04:04Well, if we were doing a raffle or a blood drive like every other refinery, I'd show up for that.
04:09Like a blood drive for whales?
04:11What?
04:12No.
04:12For people.
04:13I didn't think that whale-to-human transfusions were even possible.
04:16Like, what are you picturing?
04:17A whale hooked up to, like, a giant IV?
04:20I mean, so much blood.
04:21Audrey, if you're looking to get out of this, and I fully support that, we need someone who
04:25can blow up the inflatable whale.
04:27Done!
04:27Oh, okay.
04:28She'd rather blow Shamu than get her picture taken.
04:32Mm-hmm.
04:33You like that?
04:33You can help her.
04:34What the fuck?
04:39You will not pressure, coerce, or guilt anyone to participate.
04:43Fine.
04:45Totally.
04:46Done.
04:50Whales will die, Todd.
04:53Fuck you, the GS.
04:54If you don't do it, nobody will.
05:25Nope.
05:26Chicken Parmesan.
05:26Chicken Parmesan?
05:28Oh, who the fuck do we think we are, Mariah Carey?
05:30And dessert.
05:32Lava cake.
05:34You greedy little bitch.
05:39Fine.
05:40Just get them to sign up.
05:43You got it, boss.
05:48Listen up!
05:49Everybody shut up for a minute?
05:51Who wants Friday afternoon off, double-time pay, chicken Parmesan OT meal to do this dumbass
05:57calendar?
05:58Yeah, fucking right.
05:59Chicken Parmesan for everyone?
06:01Jesus.
06:02Come on, if I'm doing this, you guys fucking are.
06:04Chicken perm, people.
06:06Throwing some garlic balls.
06:07So this isn't the Olive Garden stuff?
06:10Fine, garlic balls.
06:11Jeez.
06:12Yo, what's up?
06:13She said garlic balls.
06:14Oh, that was my nickname in high school because of how it smelled.
06:18Wow.
06:19We have that full facial coupon and the free yarn wax.
06:22We're in.
06:23We'll do it.
06:24Anyone else?
06:24Nice.
06:25All right, you want an Aztec and move product.
06:27Tazer's your man.
06:28I see myself as Mr. April.
06:29Okay.
06:30That's what I'm talking about.
06:31Maybe even a Mr. May.
06:33I'll do it.
06:34Sign me up twice, man.
06:36Tazer, twit.
06:37Screw it.
06:38Screw it.
06:39Hey.
06:39What are you guys doing?
06:41Hey.
06:42Let's quit the noises.
06:42Uh, apparently I gotta do this calendar crap.
06:45Be a leader.
06:46Set an example.
06:47Blah, blah, blah.
06:48Right, right.
06:50You want tips on training or something?
06:52From you?
06:53What a joke.
06:54Look at this.
06:54It's fucking steel.
06:56Well, maybe.
06:57Really?
06:58Oh, shit.
06:59Well, I don't know.
07:00You should probably talk to Marcus about it, but first things first, you just gotta lose
07:03the form in 15.
07:04Then you gotta want it, brother.
07:06And you gotta want it bad.
07:07You gotta want it more than bread.
07:08Nope.
07:09You gotta want it more than beer.
07:10Nope.
07:10You gotta want it more than joy itself.
07:11This is gonna fucking suck.
07:14Yep.
07:14It will fucking suck.
07:15It's gonna suck worse than the biggest, greasiest, dirtiest dick you've ever seen in your life.
07:19And you're gonna suck it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
07:21Oh, yeah?
07:22Yes.
07:22And you're gonna enjoy it.
07:23I'll do what it takes.
07:24Training begins now.
07:26Let's go.
07:27When he pukes, you clean it.
07:33Run up them fucking stairs like you never run up anything.
07:35You're a fucking electrician.
07:36You're a fucking pipe.
07:37I never got it.
07:386 a.m. was a part of the deal, man.
07:40Now there was greatness.
07:41Now get low.
07:42Go so low, you blow your collar right out of your anus.
07:45I think I just did.
07:46Good.
07:46Shut yourself.
07:49Hey, you lift.
07:51You dig like you're digging in the couch for the last two bucks.
07:53There ain't no quitting you, Todd Stools.
07:55What the fuck are you doing?
07:57Get whipping.
07:57What the fuck are you doing?
08:02What the fuck are you doing?
08:03What the fuck are you doing?
08:04Sucker.
08:05Discipline and focus at all times.
08:08Do not eat that.
08:10You're one with hunger.
08:12Put the fuck out of them.
08:13You're fucking fat.
08:14All the fucking guts out of you.
08:25What the fuck?
08:28What the fuck?
08:29You're cheating.
08:29Fuck it.
08:30George, what the fuck?
08:33What the fuck?
08:34George!
08:35George, what are you talking about?
08:40rocks man rocks hello talent how is this i hired him he's our photographer you hired dewey uh-huh
08:49what are his qualifications well number one he owns a camera and yep that is 90 of the job
08:55honestly i can't even think of what the other 10 would be so i guess that might be a whole
08:59job
08:59yes it's gonna be a trademark what are you thinking i'm gonna scout the plant look for
09:03some shadows that hit the cement in a way that you know speaks to me oh we are gonna make
09:09some magic
09:12he's an artist like fartiest
09:19she said she'd be here um she did throw a piece of bologna at me at the same time so
09:24it could
09:24all right good garlic balls jim okay you know what how are you with props i'm a pro dewey
09:31yes i have a friend for you and you know what i think he's hungry steph i think he's a
09:39hungry
09:39little fella why don't we why don't we give him a little nibble huh there we go yeah he's got
09:44an
09:45appetite oh he likes it yes oh yes very nice steph yeah oh he's a hungry little boy he appreciates
09:53it
09:53death okay this is stupid i'm done chicken parm you didn't want to eat that after the shoot broach
10:04no i'm good man okay i can do this i can do this yeah okay okay okay i need you
10:11to focus though roach
10:12i need you to focus okay now on the perm on me okay this is how they do in the
10:20magazine probably i
10:21think i read it once i gotta show off my new nails so these are new oh mine are cute
10:26too okay
10:28i'm zooming in lady that's it okay mama big mama oh my god yeah i want you i want you
10:34to open that
10:35big mama booty big mama booty big mama booty big mama booty that's it that's the shot yes oh darn
10:43welder now so i'm feeling some sparks down south at this weld van are you sure that you have never
10:49done
10:49this before because i got more gas in the tank i want to give you guys some options we like
10:55options
10:55okay what if i uh wear my welding helmet on my junk like this till i imply danger someone's got
11:02some
11:03skin in the game we're gonna go that route taze i think we need a pop a button oh okay
11:09they're just gonna
11:10just do a little just a little just a little shushing taze with the blades there we go oh but
11:15taze i
11:15think we gotta have to see the hair flowing show me that mane oh yeah you're a warrior time to
11:21do art
11:22steve steve here we go grinders oh yeah
11:38okay nice yeah okay nice now if you could just pop that belt open give us a little summer tease
11:48what
11:48my pants why crack it open a little bit you know you're mr july it's supposed to be hot outside
11:54right give us a little humid acts you know i know this was gonna be those kind of pictures hey
11:59oh
12:00here comes the pants patrol you cannot under any circumstance pressure an employee to take off his
12:06clothes look you trusted me to run this fundraiser so just let me we are not making anyone uncomfortable
12:13right marcus you're fine right tell chelsea that you're fine he's not gonna tell you the truth
12:20you're the boss you don't get the power dynamic at play here marcus has ms conk or dewey done anything
12:27at this company event to make you feel uncomfortable well my knees hurt and i don't love that my aunt's
12:33definitely gonna see this but it's been fine see you can't fake that kind of praise up to you marcus
12:40yeah up to you marcus it's a bit chilly i'm heading for a snack is that okay come on down
12:50you know taser didn't mind the breeze he said it makes his nipples pop that's a professional watch
12:56it dewey i can't fire her but i can fire you just three higher you i heard that finally a
13:03safe space
13:04again no just walk and judge that's helpful whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa perfect take it off
13:14are we waiting for anybody else or just you and me team blowhole yeah yeah we've been entrusted with
13:21the great honor of blowing this bad boy up yeah in here you want to haul this outside and blow
13:25it no
13:26audrey i don't want to do this anywhere it's stupid it's a lame ass giant ass pool toy i've got
13:32so much
13:32other shits i'd rather and can be doing so yeah like what doom scrolling ghosting people calling
13:40your mom i love my mom this is what's wrong with your generation loving my mom yeah yeah no because
13:45you think you're above this task who isn't get blowing clock hits four i hit the door
13:53you're just gonna stand it or suck it whatever your preference yeah get your hair dryer
13:57i miss jimmy already appreciate you bro i feel good good i mean you still look like a piece of
14:04shit but you did everything you could what just boys ever heard of smizing no one has heard of
14:13smizing homer what the is it do i got a apprentice for it smizing it's when you smile with your
14:18eyes
14:19but not your mouth smile with your whole face that's amateur clown
14:23shit behold there's no fucking what is this fucking are you fucking with us homer or no i did some
14:37modeling as a child bullshit i was the face of a major soda pop brand you guys remember the uh
14:43chug it
14:44kid shut up that's you no way show us oh my god do it right now do it do it
14:49do it i did years of
14:50therapy get over that okay do it i can't do it do it or you're fired again
14:57that is awesome that was you i did billboards bus stops even did a short run of urinal cakes but
15:04parents didn't think it was appropriate to be pissing on a child's face teach me homer teach him
15:09different life different times don't turn your back on us now homer i gave it all up
15:17for the glitz and glamour of weldon boys all right i'll help listen up yes you got to seduce the
15:25camera how always be moving them get the legs in loosen it yes todd come on get moving get moving
15:32and you want to give the camera different facial expressions okay except with a smile with your
15:37teeth smile todd show off those pearly whites come on yes you're happy but then wait a minute
15:43who died who died who died everyone oh sad face everyone died todd you look high but wait what do
15:50you see out there is that your best friend your cousin no no it's your yeah your cousin greg your
15:57best friend look at him your cousin greg you're mad at him todd not me greg but wait what's that
16:03in the
16:04distance over here todd huh no like towards me right there there it is it's a 12 point elk you
16:11reach
16:12back clobber it no you're not gonna clobber it no you're gonna you've got a quiver of arrows you're
16:17a sexy ass hunter we're gonna draw the arrow and then load the bow and then fire it oh what
16:29just fell
16:29the elk drop the peach down grab the peach time come back and jiggle the ass jiggle the ass and
16:37look
16:37at me todd on eye contact flex it down the dog i can't do this i should never agree to
16:41this
16:42shit what just calm down listen the man is fucking hangry he hasn't eaten anything in goddamn 3d
16:46whoa whoa hey are you fucking high you can't eat before a shoot you're gonna blow like a blowfish
16:51showtime dude my lights are hot are you boys ready no you're ready it's perfect greatest first lesson
16:58get out there you will never be more ready how much money did you make doing those commercials
17:03none but my mom owns an island in belize
17:11yeah uh this is gonna take forever yes it is which is why we have mandatory breaks
17:19what the hell happened to all that oh this is what's wrong with your generation
17:22bullshit you're only like two years younger than you right really i thought you just had your 13th
17:27birthday last month
17:31seniority means i nap first good night
17:42oh yeah in a safe space toddler your lighting's garbage everyone's gonna look like they got
17:47fucking jaundice are you telling me how to do my job no dewey i'm telling you how to not ruin
17:55a good
17:55photo hey chop chop boys time is money i have just the inspiration for this
18:00bend the joints bend the joints there you go yeah all right over the shoulder top no no towards the
18:07camera yeah there you go chin up use the strap you like that now look on the ground in front
18:14of you
18:15there's that same old peach you remember that peach grab that peach grab the peach yeah take a bite
18:26oh wait oh gross there you go what's that white substance oh no a deer was using it as a
18:32cum rag
18:33throw that peach away throw it away wait there's something wrong your body shaking that was cursed cum
18:42all of a sudden your hands are hooves glorious hooves you're a majestic steed i want to hear you
18:48nay todd nay
18:53whoa the wind is blowing in your hair and then you see it ahead of you there's the elk you
18:58remember the
18:58elk todd you missed the last time didn't you now reach back flex pull up the arrow good and blow
19:06the
19:06bow yeah chin up pluck what the fuck cricket are you there hold on buddy look at it and fire
19:20it
19:21release there you got it god man oh there's my december what the fuck oh good work
19:37okay guys it is time to reveal our calendar some people said that my idea was unprofessional
19:45and that it uh blurred ethical lines you'll see i'm not wrong because it wasn't it did to me
19:51this has always just been about hope you know for us and for our animal friends from the mammals to
19:59the whales so let's raise a glass open our wallets and remember that for every calendar that you buy
20:08an orca is so thankful and probably releases one of those cloudy white squirts i mean we're not going
20:16to see it because it happens underwater but it's uh it's happening okay stop sorry okay all right let's go
20:33oh my god remember i don't remember posing with a dire wolf okay moving on to february
20:40oh my god hi davey you're such snacks remember big mama it's payday team conk let's open up big
20:48mama i got a cat for somebody with that bad boy looking good bird oh janet nice duck face janet
20:54nice
20:55fuck face homer you are my victorian duckling janet that's weird moving on
21:04daddy photoshopped that's right i got you bro thank you and hey that looks like me man that is you
21:13i had to paint out all the tomato sauce on your face kind of looks like my uncle too no
21:17malone
21:18oh it's like cousin greg oh the fucking dewey i was supposed to be a werewolf i need way more
21:24fucking hair than that no just the amount of hair we agreed on not at all enough more hair on
21:28my right
21:29ball and moving on it's mr june what the hell is that what the fuck stoolie's got a horse body
21:37and a
21:37giant horse cock centaur get it right and i gave todd actual abs my work speaks for itself
21:44fucking weird juice a little early again janet oh all right so our cover model for the first
21:52annual conk calendar is janet what okay no no janet now is the time to do the drum roll oh
22:03great
22:11whoa that's me oh yeah this is terrible fuck this we skipped wing night for this i gotta get another
22:19fucking drink go get it go get it fernie beer me now oh my god still i'd say your abs
22:29went on vacation
22:29didn't leave a note fuck our phone when was the last time you did a sit-up accepting your past
22:34your
22:34prime is half the battle yeah you sure you've accepted it yeah yeah i fucking accepted it
22:41and you can accept this happy to sign up for you too dear dickhead go fuck you
22:47he's gonna wipe my ass hey hey i think you look great by the way oh thanks i thought you
22:52look good
22:52too what'd you think of the horse cock oh yeah not a fan but my friend might be get over
22:56here you
22:56really yeah hi hello she knows your dipshit but she's into that thanks for that yeah i guess i
23:03kind of am what up horse cock what's up werewolf man hey show me this calendar i don't have enough
23:08hair but i actually think i look pretty good me too it's a smooth and sexy you look great oh
23:16real funny two slide please thank you
23:22you're gonna have to tell todd eventually that you're hooking up with the werewolf
23:27oh i mean do i just sex
23:36we've only sold 15 of these and fernie the bartender bought three of them yeah i know but uh you're
23:43not
23:43factoring in word of mouth uh friends and family bribes no one's gonna buy this thing jen
23:50fine what are you doing
23:54how many orcas does 20 grand save okay you can't just make this out to wales why not plus you
24:01spelled
24:01it wrong that's the country fun night ladies anyone gonna eat this it's gonna spoil if not i'm
24:08taking that would be a shower if you have to pay for the calendar it's our fee see they had
24:14a great night
24:16all right chelsea let's not forget that conch is my company okay get your own show
24:34you're working hard boys there he is last week was a write-off we gotta double time it oh check
24:39it
24:39out it's cock o'clock check out roger the penis pipe hello little forest animals would you like to smoke
24:45some cock backwards with the hammer cocks you're getting rained on by a couple whale cocks anyone
24:50know who drew these janet i think she's only ever seen one dick what a waste of time this was
24:56what
24:57are you talking about dewey gave you a stellar ai horse cock and janet gave you another yeah double
25:01dicker those cockulos multi-cock one for pleasure one for pissing all right back to work you fox
25:06cockasaurus rex you need this thank you
25:26turning these ranches busting my knuckles banging them in the steel working overtime trying to save a dime
25:34but the tax man's on my heels i can't get ahead but it's all for my hands what the fuck
25:40dewey this is
25:42me it's me you do not have a food that big the artisan can be the subject too you know
25:47you think you're
25:48the ghost this is a dormant beast within me for years a beautiful beautiful goat boy you should have
25:52stayed dormant really this is almost your last chance to get one of these uh well what about this what
25:59about this i have these amazing calendar as you can see it's me and i have a huge penis which
26:03is very
26:04much like the real thing just saying okay so be interested
26:08it's all life you get up and grind dollar ain't worth it if you ain't got the time
26:14to get back with a 12 pack and a few good friends a county line crit drive too fast or
26:22down a little
26:23hard but come sunday we're praying to the lord and work work work to do it all again
26:29it's all life
26:35it's all life
26:37go on let it
26:39hell i'm gonna ride
26:40Grrrr!
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